Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

This is where the whole thing goes sideways, folks. Get ready.

The moral of the story: Prom is just not worth it.

The Big Deal: Party at the beach, horrible Jungle Prom

Synopsis:

At a totally awesome beach party, Bruce dares Jessica to swim out to the buoy. Liz begs Jessica not to do it, but Jessica laughs and jumps in the water (after stripping down to her bikini “striptease-style”). Liz runs around freaking out, telling Todd, Sam and Enid that Jessica’s in the water. Everyone tells Liz to chill, but she can’t. Jessica comes back to shore and Liz is all, “Jessica! You’re all right!” Jessica laughs and says of course she’s all right. Liz gets upset and decides she’s not going to worry about Jessica anymore; Liz is only going to worry about herself from now on.

Lila is having a terrible time with her date, Tony Alimenti. He’s a nice guy, but Lila isn’t ready for dating yet and only agreed to come to the party because Jessica and Amy wouldn’t leave her alone. Lila watches her friends dancing and wonders if they’re ever scared that their boyfriends will overpower them. Then Tony tries to put his arm around her and she jumps.

Meanwhile, Bruce is making out with Andrea Slade. He knows Andrea likes him a lot, but he’s just not interested because she doesn’t present a challenge. She tries to get him to commit to a picnic next weekend, but Bruce is an ass and tells her he doesn’t do commitment and if she doesn’t like it she can take a hike.

A ton of kids run onto the beach wearing Big Mesa’s school colors. They knock over the food table, spray shaving cream on everything and pick up the girls and carry them for a few feet and then drop them in the sand (Lila screams at the top of her lungs). The whole thing only lasts five minutes, but the mess is horrible. Sweet Valley wants revenge.

At the Dairi Burger afterward, the twins argue over whether or not Sweet Valley should retaliate while Bruce and some other former Club X members are in the parking lot discussing how they can get revenge on Big Mesa. Tony takes Lila home and she freaks out when he tries to kiss her goodnight. Liz and Todd go to Miller’s Point and talk. They decide everyone will calm down and nothing else will come of the raid on the beach.

While getting ready for the beach party, the twins came up with an awesome idea for a jungle themed school dance. At school on Tuesday, Liz tells her friends she’s gotten the go ahead from Principal Cooper on the Jungle Prom. They talk about whether or not there should be a king and queen, and Liz wonders if she should go for it. Later, Todd convinces her she would be a great queen. After school, Jessica goes out with her friends and declares that she intends to be prom queen.

Jungle Queen

Lila has a session that afternoon with Nathan Pritchard, her counselor. She’s really upset about Saturday night and tells Nathan what happened with Tony. Nathan does his best to convince her that maybe Tony wasn’t trying to hurt her and that Lila’s just oversensitive right now. Lila concedes that he’s probably right and says she doesn’t want to be scared of every boy in the world.

Environmental Alert, the organization Liz found to fund the prom, calls Liz and says they’ve put together a prize package for whoever is elected prom queen. The queen will win a trip to Brazil and the opportunity to be an honorary spokesperson for Environmental Alert. Liz runs out to the pool to tell Jessica and Lila the news. When she goes back inside, Jessica starts gushing to Lila about how awesome it will be when she’s prom queen. Lila pretends to fall asleep so Jessica will shut up. A few minutes later, Alice comes home. Lila watches Alice and Jessica talk to each other. She wishes she had a mother to talk to. Damn, Lila makes me so sad in this book.

Jessica misses a meeting of the prom committee, so Liz goes ahead without her. The committee decides on formal dress for the prom, which Liz knows is going to upset Jessica, who wanted everyone to dress all Tarzan and Jane. When Liz tells everyone about the prize package for the queen, everyone on the committee tells her she’s the logical choice. Jessica is pissed that Liz let the committee vote on the dress code issue without her, but doesn’t mind when she realizes that if it weren’t for Liz, Jessica wouldn’t be going to Brazil. She’s sure she doesn’t have any competition for the title of queen.

Andrea finds Bruce after school on Friday and asks him what he’s doing the next day. Bruce says something rude and is sure she’ll tell him off, but she just looks sad and tells him to call her sometime. Bruce thinks it’s kind of fun to string her along and see how much abuse she’ll take. He goes outside to the parking lot to find that his car, along with everyone else’s, is a mess. The damned Big Mesa jerks have come back with their shaving cream and they’ve drawn bulls (their mascot) all over everyone’s cars. The same afternoon, Liz gets a copy of Big Mesa’s newspaper in her Oracle inbox. There’s an article about how crappy Sweet Valley’s basketball team is.

A few days later, Liz is looking over The Oracle before it goes to the printer and notices the story she asked Caroline to write is a little weird. She wanted an article promoting the prom and asked Caroline to leave names out of it, including Liz’s. Caroline has written a piece of crap that makes it sound like the whole prom was Jessica’s idea. Liz is pissed, but decides to get over it. That night, Jessica says something about “when I go to Brazil,” and Liz gets angry again. She asks Jessica if it ever occurred to her that Liz might like to go to Brazil. Jessica says no, being prom queen isn’t really Liz’s thing. Liz gets all weird and asks how Jessica knows what her kind of thing is, as if Jessica hasn’t been living with her for sixteen years. They have a big argument. Afterward, Jessica goes to Sam’s to study and tells him how strange Liz has been acting. Sam makes her forget about it and they talk about maybe spending the night together after the prom.

There’s a big pep rally for all the sporting events that are coming up. Jessica outshines the rest of the cheerleaders and then makes a big speech about the prom. Liz knows it’s all part of her campaign to be voted queen.

Jessica and Lila are shopping at Lisette’s a few days later and talking about Liz. Lila tells Jessica to stop being so cocky about being voted queen because a lot of people think Liz is going to win. Jessica is all “Yeah, whatever.” She finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Just then, Liz and Enid come in. Liz finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Jessica and Liz come out of their fitting rooms at the same time wearing the same dress. Lila thinks it’s pretty funny.

Bruce goes to the marina to take his father’s boat out. He runs into Nicholas Morrow, who mentions Regina. Bruce doesn’t know how Nicholas can talk about her without getting upset. Bruce goes home that night, takes a picture of Regina out of his nightstand drawer and cries.

On Friday, Liz gets another delivery from Big Mesa. It’s another article from the Bull’s Eye, and this one is full of accusations that Sweet Valley cheated to win the track meet the day before. Todd convinces Liz not to retaliate and they go to lunch. In the cafeteria, Jessica is handing out buttons that say “Save the Rainforest—Come to the Jungle Prom,” and telling people she used her own money to have them made. Liz is outraged at Jessica’s campaigning. Liz, you’re allowed to campaign, too, if you want. Todd tries to tell her to calm down, and she gets even more angry.

On Monday morning, Lila is getting ready for school and wondering if she should go to the prom. She starts thinking about Nathan realizes he’s really cute, and Lila is grateful to him for helping her so much in counseling. She decides she’ll go to the prom even though she doesn’t have a date. Nathan will be chaperoning and she can just hang out with him. Lila goes into her counseling session that afternoon a new woman. She flirts with Nathan a little and tells him she’s back to her old self.

Jessica drags Amy, Robin and Lila to a prom committee meeting and pisses Liz off by acting like she wants to be involved. Before the meeting is over, she brings up the real reason she came to the meeting: she doesn’t think any Big Mesa kids should be allowed to come to the prom. The committee is split, so Liz arranges for the whole school to vote. She’s happy when the school votes against Jessica’s idea.

Later, Penny tells the twins that she was contacted by Sweet Sixteen magazine. They heard about the prom and want to do an interview with whoever came up with the idea. I’m so sure. Liz and Jessica are scheduled for an interview and photo shoot the next day. Jessica doesn’t show up and the Sweet Sixteen people are tired of waiting. Against her better judgment, Liz agrees to do the interview alone. When Jessica shows up forty-five minutes late and finds out they left without her, she’s convinced Liz set it all up somehow.

On Wednesday, Liz writes an editorial for The Oracle. It’s an attack on Big Mesa. Liz gets mad when Todd tells her she’s being mean. Friday night is the big basketball game against Big Mesa, and Liz says some mean things to Enid about Hugh not having the guts to show up and support his school. Damn, she’s crabby. Sweet Valley wins the game, and the Big Mesa kids hightail it out of there.

Finally, it’s prom night. Everyone lavishes Liz with praise and Jessica is mad that they’re all acting like Liz did all the work. When Sam points out that Liz actually did do all the work, Jessica stomps off and tells him to ask someone else to dance. He asks Liz. Todd is elected prom king, and in one hour, the queen will be announced. Jessica knows she needs to do something fast if she’s going to take Liz out of the running, which she’s even more determined to do when she sees Liz and Sam dancing together. A Big Mesa guy starts flirting with Jessica and she notices he’s drunk. She flirts back to get some of his alcohol and then pours a ton of it into Liz’s punch cup.

Drunk and happy, Liz tells Sam she doesn’t care about being queen. She yells to Andrea and Patty that she’s withdrawing her name so Jessica can win. Jessica does win, but as soon as the crown is on her head, she feels guilty.

Suddenly, twenty or thirty Big Mesa kids come in and start running through the gym, punching people on their way through to the football field. Bruce rounds up a bunch of guys to follow them. Jessica, suddenly worried about Liz, jumps off the stage to try to find her. She sees Liz and Sam wobbling out the door, but by the time she makes her way through the crowd and into the parking lot, Liz is in the driver’s seat of the Jeep. Before Jessica can get to them, Liz drives off. Jessica finds Todd and tells him they need to go after them.

Lila is stuck in the gym. No matter what exit she tries to use, there are people blocking her way. Finally, Nathan takes her arm and leads her out of the gymnasium. The hallway isn’t much better, so Nathan pulls her into an empty classroom. Once they’re alone, Lila has a flashback to John’s attack on her and she’s suddenly sure that Nathan was only pretending to be nice so he could get her alone and take advantage of her. She screams. The cops have made it to the school, and at the sound of Lila’s scream, they burst into the classroom. Lila says Nathan attacked her, and the cops haul him off.

There’s a massive brawl out on the football field and Bruce is right in the middle of it. A Big Mesa kid hits him with a bat and knocks him down. Just as the other guy is going to hit him again, a beautiful girl tells the guy to stop. She reaches out to help Bruce up, but he gets kicked in the head and blacks out.

Todd and Jessica hop in Todd’s car and go off in the direction Liz and Sam went. Jessica tells Todd that Liz and Sam are drunk, but says she doesn’t know where they got the alcohol. They see a crashed Jeep on the side of the road and pull over. There are cops on the scene already, and they say both the driver and passenger are dead.

To be continued…

Quotes:

In [Bruce’s] opinion, the only fun in dating was the sport of it. The more it was like a tennis match, where he had to wear down his opponent through expertise and sheer force of will, the better he liked it.

Jeez. What a freak.

The Cover: God, the twins are so ugly! Is it really possible that neither one of them did anything special with her hair for the biggest social event of the year?

The moral of the story: Blacks and whites just really don’t belong together.

The Big Deal: Party at Andrea’s, Whitman/Thomas wedding

Synopsis:

Steve has been spending a lot of time teaching Cheryl Thomas to drive. Everyone starts to think there’s something romantic between them and Jessica asks Steve what’s going on. Steve laughs and says they’re just good friends, but then he worries that maybe the reason he’s not interested in Cheryl like that is because she’s black. Dammit, didn’t we just have a book about race yesterday? After a driving lesson, Steve and Cheryl go to a little restaurant up the highway. There are a bunch of skinhead jackasses at the next table and they make some stupid remarks. Steve and Cheryl leave, and Cheryl starts crying. Steve comforts her and they end up making out.

Steve tells the twins he and Cheryl are a couple now, but Liz notes that he looks more determined than happy, especially when he starts talking about how they’ll have obstacles to overcome. Somehow, the whole school hears about the couple and everyone is talking about it. Apparently, “Steve and Cheryl are a first.” Jessica wants to make sure everyone knows she supports the match, and she thinks the best way to do this is to offer to make the wedding cake for Annie’s mom and Cheryl’s dad. Cheryl doesn’t know Jessica well, so she thinks her enthusiasm is masking some racism. What?

For their first night out on the town as a couple, Steve, terrified of being alone with Cheryl, calls a bunch of his college buddies and they all go to the Beach Disco. Cheryl dances with Steve’s black friend, Martin, and feels a strong attraction to him. She realizes she’s not attracted to Steven at all, but wonders how that can be when she’s in love with him. Damn, these kids are sure fast to label something as “love.” She wonders if she’s not attracted to Steve just because he’s white. Ugh.

Of all of the twins’ friends, only Lila seems down on the idea of Steve and Cheryl being together. Jessica tries to convince her that closed-mindedness is out, but Lila says this is a bad move for both Steve and Cheryl. She says Andrea Slade is throwing a party this weekend, and any person who doesn’t get an invitation can count himself as a nobody. Also, since Andrea and Nicholas Morrow have broken up (aw, poor Nicholas), Andrea has developed a crush on Bruce, who is sure to be helping her with the guest list to the party. Bruce doesn’t think much of Steve and Cheryl, so Lila’s sure they won’t be invited. And that will mean that Lila was right and Jessica was wrong.

Steve and Cheryl do end up getting invited, and they’re just so awesome that by the end of the night, everyone thinks they’re the coolest couple ever. But Steve and Cheryl both spend page after page worrying about their relationship and realizing they really aren’t right for each other, but neither of them ever thinks to tell the other.

The day of the wedding, Liz and Jessica are making the wedding cake and talking about what kind of weddings they’ll have. Jessica says she and Sam won’t be ready to get married for at least five years. Aw, Sam. Liz hopes she and Todd will get married someday.

At the wedding reception, Cheryl gives a toast to her father and new stepmother. This toast somehow serves as a message to Steve, and when Cheryl sits down they do that thing where they immediately understand each other. Suddenly, they’re just friends. Cheryl ends up going out with Black Martin.

Quotes:

My big brother is half of the very first interracial couple at Sweet Valley High!

I guess Sandy and Manuel don’t count. Or Annie and Tony. Is it only interracial if one person is black and the other is white? Also, Steve doesn’t go to Sweet Valley High.

The Cover: What the hell? Is Steve actually smiling? I don’t believe it. This is proof that he’s trying too hard.

The moral of the story: All boys are evil, even the nice ones.

The Big Deal: Costume ball at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Lila is having a costume ball in two weeks. Which is awesome. I mean, how many of your high school friends threw costume balls? Jessica, Amy and Maria are complaining that they can’t get their boyfriends to dress up the way they want them to. Then they tease Lila about her lack of a date, and then about her crush on John Pfeifer. Lila and John have been spending a lot of time together lately, though they haven’t been on a date yet. Lila likes John because he’s a serious guy, but sometimes his seriousness freaks her out a little. She’s also pretty sure his breakup with Jennifer Mitchell has left him a little damaged.

Sam and Jessica make out after a date. Surprisingly, Jessica is worried that their kissing might go too far one of these days. Without once saying the word “sex,” Jessica and Liz discuss the difficulty of keeping in control. Liz tries to tell her not to worry, that all couples go through this, but Jessica thinks it’s the biggest problem ever. She decides to make sure she and Sam are never alone together.

John finally asks Lila out. They have dinner at the Box Tree Café, and Lila thinks everything is just beautiful and awesome. She suggests they go for a drive, and they end up at Miller’s Point. They start to make out, and then John turns into the kind of sex monster you usually only see in V. C. Andrews books. He pulls her hair, unbuckles his belt and ignores her requests for him to stop. Lila takes his keys from the ignition and stabs him in the neck. She gets out of the car, throws the keys in the bushes and walks to a gas station, where she calls a cab to come take her home.

The next day, Lila is a wreck. She wants to tell someone what happened, but she’s sure she’ll be laughed at and blamed. After all, she wore a little black dress, she suggested Miller’s Point, she’s the flirt. When Jessica calls to find out how the date went, Lila changes the subject pretty fast. That isn’t like Lila, and Jessica is convinced something is wrong.

Meanwhile, all the girls are having trouble getting their boyfriends to decide on costumes for the ball. Winston wants him and Maria to be Tweedledee and Tweedledum, Sam wants to be motorcycle cops, Hugh wants to go as chickens and Todd wants to go as a horse. While all this is going on, Liz has been getting letters from Arthur Castillo, the Crown Prince of Santa Dora (he’s from a Sweet Valley Twins book). They’ve been pen pals for years, but he’s been writing a lot more lately. Todd finds out and gets jealous. Whatever, back to Lila.

Lila goes to school on Monday wearing a shapeless dress and almost no makeup. Amy and Caroline try to ask her how the date went, but she just tells them it was boring and then runs away from them. Jessica is really worried, but Lila won’t tell her what’s wrong. She gets even more worried when Lila says she’s thinking about canceling the costume ball. Jessica talks to Liz, who thinks it sounds like Lila is depressed. All of Lila’s friends are getting worried about her.

Lila decides not to cancel the party, but she does want to tell John not to come. She finds him alone in the Oracle office and tells him what she thinks of him and that he’s not welcome in her house. He kind of smiles in an insolent way and says, “If that’s the way you want it.” Lila feels a little better until John does show up at the party the next night with a cute little sophomore girl. Lila tells him to leave or she’ll have him thrown out, but John taunts her and asks her what reason she’ll give everyone. Lila tries to ignore him, but he turns to his date and loudly says they should leave. Lila tells the girl not to go with him and ends up screaming at John, “Tell her how you tried to rape me last Saturday night!” John tells everyone that something did happen, but it certainly wasn’t rape. Lila runs upstairs to her room and John leaves.

By the way, Liz and Todd go to the party as the sun and the moon, Sam and Jessica are Han Solo and Princess Leia, Enid and Hugh are the base and receiver of a telephone, and Lila is Peter Pan.

Jessica goes to Lila’s room and knocks on the door for a long time, but Lila won’t come out. The next morning, after trying to call three times, Jessica goes to Lila’s house. Lila finally tells her everything that happened and feels better about things. Jessica goes home to find Sam waiting for her. She realizes she’s lucky to have a boyfriend who respects her and who would never do anything to her like what John did to Lila.

Monday is hell for Lila. The story has spread, and while some people are nicer to her than usual, most of the school seems to believe John’s version of what happened. Tuesday is just as hellish, and Lila nearly panics when John stands in her path as she’s walking to her lunch table. She already feels like everyone is watching her and talking about her, and now she’s worried John is going to speak to her. Suddenly, Liz and Enid are on either side of her, thanking her for the party and loudly saying the only thing wrong with it was the gatecrasher. Jessica talks to Jennifer Mitchell to see if there’s anything she can do to help Lila. Jennifer says the reason she broke up with John is because he was controlling and always had to have everything his way, “but that has nothing to do with this other thing.”

That night, a sophomore named Susan Wyler shows up at Lila’s house. John and Susan went on a date after John and Jennifer broke up but before he asked Lila out. Susan had to fight him off, too. The only thing that saved her was the arrival of another couple at Miller’s Point. She and Lila plan to confront John and hopefully get him into counseling.  On Wednesday morning, Lila puts a note in John’s locker asking him to meet her at the Dairi Burger that night. Then she tells Jessica about Susan Wyler and their plan.

The Dairi Burger is more crowded that night than Susan and Lila would like, and John is sitting with a large group of other guys. Lila sits down next to John and says she wants to talk privately, but John is all cocky and says she can talk in front of his friends. Lila mentions Susan Wyler. John looks worried and says he doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but then Susan Wyler is right there and they both tell him he needs help. One of the other guys at the table says Susan is his little sister’s best friend and Susan is like a part of his family. John says they’re lying, but the other guy says Susan doesn’t lie. The boys start to move away from John like he’s Arlo Guthrie on the Group W bench, and then Jessica, Liz, Sam and Todd gather around Susan and Lila and they all leave the restaurant together.

I have a problem with this book. John Pfeifer has been around since the beginning. He’s always been a nice guy. And I understand that this is the problem Lila has: John is such a nice guy that it’s hard to believe he could do something like this. But it’s just not believable in this context. It would have been one thing if John had just gotten carried away while making out with Lila, but it’s more like he’s turned into this asshole who goes out of his way to try to rape girls. When he’s at Lila’s party telling his date they should leave, he’s doing so in a way that makes it clear he’s going to try to rape her, too. It might have been better if they had created a whole new character. Using John for this story just made it ridiculous and unbelievable.

Setup for the next book: Dana Larson and Aaron Dallas are having relationship troubles. Prince Arthur is coming to Sweet Valley for a visit.

Quotes:

“Sam, could you give me a hand with this [costume]?” she asked. “I need you to pin me up.”

Sam came up from behind and put his arms around her. “I’ll pin you up any time you want,” he said in her ear.

Oh, Sam. My heart’s all aflutter.

[Elizabeth] thought about how he had acted when he was trying to get Jennifer Mitchell to break up with Rick Andover. Even though she had agreed that he was right, she hadn’t approved of his methods. “Strong-arm tactics,” she had thought of them as at the time.

Read this and tell me where John used “strong-arm tactics.”

The Cover: This is a difficult cover to look at. I hate that Lila looks all scared, but I mostly hate John’s evil face and the fact that it looks like it was designed to make you think you can tell a rapist by his ugliness.

The moral of the story: It’s okay to steal the guy your ugly best friend likes. She’s ugly, she won’t mind.

The Big Deal: These kids really need a party or a dance. They’re getting all tense these days.

Synopsis:

Denise Hadley and Ginny Belasca are best friends, which seems odd to most people because Denise is totally gorgeous and outgoing while Ginny is shy and plain. One thing Ginny has going for her is the fact that she’s a great listener. Denise is always trying to get her to volunteer at Project Youth, and one day Ginny finally agrees. One of her first calls is from a guy named Mike who is having trouble with his stepfather. Ginny gives him some advice, and Mike thanks her and asks what her name is and what days she works at the hotline.

Jessica goes to Project Youth one day to pick up Amy, but Amy comes out all upset about a call she just took from a girl whose teacher keeps hitting on her. Amy feels bad for saying anything and won’t say what school the girl goes to. A few days later, Jessica tells Liz and Todd about the girl. Liz is just sick about it and decides to write an article to raise awareness and tell girls what they should do if they find themselves being sexually harassed. The Oracle gang thinks it’s a good idea, but Mr. Collins is reluctant because it brings back horrible memories of Suzanne Devlin. He finally relents, but wants the article cleared with him before it goes to print.

Ginny hears from Mike a few more times, and he says he’s worked it all out with his family and wants to thank Ginny in person for helping him. Ginny thinks she’s much too ugly to meet him, so she asks Denise to go in her place because she’s so much prettier. Denise doesn’t want to, but Ginny is, like, hysterical, so she finally agrees.

Liz is getting all into her research for the sexual harassment article. She’s neglecting Todd and scoffing at Jessica’s warnings that Todd seems pretty lonely lately. Then the whole world comes crashing down when Mr. Cooper tells Liz she can’t do the article because it might make people think there is some kind of harassment going on at Sweet Valley High. Because you know the whole world reads the damned Oracle.

Denise plans to tell Mike who she really is and explain to him that Ginny is shy. But when she sees him, he’s so gorgeous that she gets tongue tied and ends up pretending to be Ginny. She’s been having trouble lately with Jay, her boyfriend, so when Mike asks her to a movie on Wednesday, Denise agrees. When she tells Ginny everything later, Ginny gets all sad at the unfairness of it all as if it wasn’t her idea to begin with.

Liz and Penny are super pissed that Chrome Dome is telling them not to run the article. Liz is mostly pissed at Mr. Collins, because she’s sure he was the one who talked to Mr. Cooper in the first place and told him it was a bad idea. Jessica suggests she write the story anyway, so Liz writes a grand article that somehow manages to blend the subjects of sexual harassment and censorship into one big smoothie in the flavor of Wakefield Smug. Mr. Collins thinks the article is wonderful and says he’ll let them print it, but warns them that people might be upset about it.

The next time Denise goes out with Mike, she insists on bringing Ginny along for some stupid reason. Ginny pretends to be Denise, and Mike gets along with her splendidly. The conversation flows much better between them than it does between Mike and Denise. At the end of the night, Denise tells Mike she did have a boyfriend, but she broke up with him for Mike. Mike glances at Ginny and looks uncomfortable, but agrees to meet Denise for lunch on Saturday.

Mike calls Project Youth and somehow does not recognize Ginny’s voice. He tells her his story, which basically boils down to him not liking “Ginny” as much as he thought he would. Ginny gets all upset when he says he met another girl he really likes, not realizing it’s probably her.

When the galleys come out for that week’s paper, Mr. Cooper is pissed and tells Liz and Penny they’ll have to delete the article and run the paper without it. Jessica says Liz should distribute the article on her own, so Liz takes it to Ned’s office that weekend and runs off a bunch of copies.

When Denise and Mike have lunch on Saturday, he tells her it’s not going to work out. She’s kind of relieved she doesn’t have to pretend anymore, and she’s tempted to tell Mike the truth about everything, but decides it’s too much trouble, especially since Ginny already said she isn’t interested in Mike that way. They’re walking out just as Liz and Todd are walking in, and Liz says, “Hi, Denise. Say hi to Ginny for me.” It actually made me giggle. Denise explains everything and then realizes Mike really likes Ginny. In the end, Mike and Ginny hook up, and Denise gets back together with Jay.

Liz, Penny and the rest of the Oracle staff hand out their “underground” paper on Monday morning. In my mind, Liz looked something like Regina George in this scene, distributing her paper and then smugly watching everyone go crazy over it.

Everyone thinks they’ve done a wonderful job, but they get called to the principal’s office. Don’t worry, good old Chrome Dome Cooper ends up letting them off scot free and telling them he trusts them with the paper. Jessica sums up the whole thing by telling her parents, “Big success, no problem. School hero, et cetera.”

Quotes:

John put down his photographs and nodded emphatically… “There are lots of things that guys don’t realize are offensive to girls unless someone tells them. Men and women see things differently, and sometimes you have to tell guys how a girl sees a situation that might be scary to her.”

Is that going to be your excuse next Wednesday? Jerk.

Shelley Novak was a junior at Sweet Valley High, and had created something of a controversy when she had tried out for the varsity boys’ basketball team.

If that ever happened, Francine forgot to tell us about it.

The Cover: Well, they’re both pretty ugly, so I’m not sure which one is supposed to be Ginny, but boy, Mike sure ain’t no prize, huh?

The moral of the story: You better not ground your kids. They might join a cult.

The Big Deal: Nothing, really.

Synopsis:

Poor Jessica has been grounded for three weeks because of a failing math grade. Her friends have been doing fun things without her the whole time and Sam has been too into dirt biking to come over much. On her very first day of freedom, Jessica wants to spend the whole day with Sam. They go out to breakfast, and then Sam mentions that day’s race. Jessica is appalled that he actually plans to race that day, and he says he’s told her all about it and has been preparing for it all week. Jessica is super pissed. She storms out of the restaurant and drives to the mall, thinking she’ll feel better if she does some shopping. She sees a boy who looks like Sam and a group of girls who remind her of her friends who have “abandoned” her, and she starts to cry. A ginger kid sits down next to her. He introduces himself as Ted and says he knows exactly how Jessica feels. He used to be down in the dumps all the time, too. He even ran away from home, but then he met Adam Marvel. Adam befriended Ted and introduced him to a group of people who never criticize or judge. They call themselves the Good Friends. Ted lives with them now, and he invites Jessica over for dinner.

The address Ted gives her is in the bad part of town, the part where nobody Jessica has ever talked to has ever set foot, except Tricia Martin. She stops the car in front of the crappiest house ever and is dismayed when Ted runs out of the house and tells her everyone is dying to meet her. Ted introduces her to everyone, and over dinner, Jessica tells the Good Friends her whole sad story. When she’s finished talking, one of the other kids says she’s never met a cheerleader, and another says he didn’t think cheerleaders actually had problems like regular people. I can’t make this stuff up, folks. With the exception of a sulky girl named Susan, everyone is in awe of Jessica and they want to know when she’ll be moving in. Jessica is taken aback and says thanks, but no thanks. For the rest of dinner, the Good Friends lament that Adam isn’t home yet and talk about how awesome he is. Just as Jessica is leaving later, Adam Marvel comes home. He’s about thirty and gorgeous, so of course Jessica stays longer to talk to him. She’s fascinated with the man, so when he asks her to come back the next day to help the group with yard work, Jessica agrees.

When she goes back the next day, Adam personally asks her to help him clean out the garage. Jessica is totally excited that she’ll spend the whole day alone with him. Susan comes into the garage and says she thought Adam wanted her to help him. Adam tells her he changed his mind. Susan gets pissed and stalks off. Adam explains to Jessica that Susan is new to the group and hasn’t quite learned how to be a Good Friend yet. She’s still hanging on to her old selfish ways. Jessica deduces that Susan has a crush on him. Adam is delighted at Jessica’s intelligence and gives her a hug.

Jessica starts spending all her time with the Good Friends. Adam doesn’t like flashy clothes, so Jessica starts wearing weird shit like tweed skirts with white blouses. One of the things the group does is collect money for charities, and the first time Jessica goes with them, she collects more than anyone else. On the way back, Adam stops the van at the grocery store and takes some of the collected money to buy food. Jessica says he can’t use the charity money for that, but Adam assures her it’s okay.

After a few weeks of Jessica brushing him off, Sam gets fed up and shows up at her house. He demands to know what her problem is and what she’s been doing lately. Adam has told her to keep the Good Friends a secret, so Jessica avoids the question and accuses Sam of checking up on her. She really wants him to leave so she can daydream about Adam, so she tells him to go home and watch television with his bike, then goes inside.

If you’re wondering why Liz hasn’t noticed what’s been going on with Jessica, it’s because she’s having a problem of her own. She and Todd have joined the new bowling club. Justin Silver, the kid coaching the team, has a crush on Liz and she doesn’t know what to do about it. She thinks he’s handsome and funny and all that jazz, but she loves Todd. When Justin asks her out, she says he only likes her because she’s pretty, but Todd knows her well and they love each other. She wants to tell Todd Justin asked her out, but the opportunity doesn’t present itself and she feels guilty. Anyway…

One night at dinner, Ned tells Alice and Liz about the Good Friends, a new group in town that claims to raise money for charities. Unfortunately, some of the charities the group says it works for don’t exist, and others say they’ve never heard of Good Friends. And apparently, Adam Marvel, the group’s leader, may be setting up groups like this all over the country. Maybe he’s starting a cult! When Alice, Ned and Liz have finished talking about Adam Marvel, they all gossip about Jessica for a while and make fun of her clothes.

Sam tells Liz he’s worried about Jessica and that she’s been lying about going to the library every night. Liz realizes she needs to try to talk to Jessica, and she decides a good, neutral subject would be Ned’s news about the Good Friends. Jessica is furious when Liz accuses them of being a cult. She throws Liz out of her room. Liz thinks about Jessica’s reaction and puts it together with Sam’s complaints and Todd’s assertion that he saw someone who looked like Jessica collecting money at the mall. Liz is sure it all fits together somehow, but she just can’t…quite…figure…it…out.

The next day, Sam comes over to the Wakefields’ house and drags Liz and Todd to his car, saying he followed Jessica that morning and he knows where she’s been going. They drive to the worst part of town and see the twins’ Fiat parked outside a house with a sign hanging on the door that says “The Good Friends.” Liz explains to Sam that she thinks Jessica has joined the cult, all while Todd sits there telling her she’s jumping to conclusions. Liz waits until Jessica gets home that night and tells her she knows where she’s been going. Jessica is mad at first, but then she tells Liz all about Adam and the things he does to help others. She promises she’ll leave the group immediately if it turns out there is any truth to Ned’s claims.

Liz is still worried, so she decides to be Jessica and infiltrate the cult. She forces Jessica to go to a movie with Sam, then she and Todd go to the house, where Todd will wait outside just in case Liz needs help. The Friends are having a “discussion night,” which basically consists of everyone saying they agree with Adam. Liz thinks Adam is totally creepy. A group of Friends comes in all worked up about something. They were collecting at the mall when one of them, Brian, disappeared. Adam sends everyone to the mall to look for him, except Liz and Susan, the sulky girl. Adam sees the other kids out, and while he’s gone, Susan whispers to Liz to get out while she can. Liz is confused, and then Adam comes back so they can’t talk any more. Liz talks to Todd that night and tells him how scared she was. Todd tries to convince her to tell her parents what’s going on, but Liz is sure that’s a bad idea.

That Justin guy keeps bothering Liz, so she finally agrees to go out with them. They go to the mall, where they see one of the cult members collecting money. Liz freaks out and pulls Justin in the other direction. She doesn’t feel like she can tell him what’s going on, and this makes her really wish she was with Todd instead of him. Blargh.

At dinner one night, Ned starts talking about the Good Friends investigation. Liz and Jessica find out Brian’s parents snatched him back, and once he’s had time to recover, he’ll testify against Adam Marvel. Liz and Jessica argue later, and Jessica finally lies and says she’ll stay away from the group. She goes to the house the next night and tells Adam everything. They talk about Brian, and Adam says it was horrible of his parents to kidnap their own son. He’s upset that he has no way of contacting Brian, and manipulates Jessica into thinking it’s her idea to get Brian’s address and phone number from Ned’s files.

She meets Adam the next day and gives him Brian’s address. Jessica asks him what’s to stop Brian’s parents from taking him back again, and Adam says they’re going to move on and set up house in another town. He tells Jessica the group needs her more than ever, especially now that Susan has gone home. The next night, she packs a bag and heads for the house. She hesitates when Adam tells her to get into the van, and then Liz, Sam and Todd show up. Sam runs inside while Liz pleads with Jessica to come home with her. Jessica is torn, but keeps defending Adam. Then Sam comes out of the house carrying Susan in his arms. He found her bound and gagged upstairs.

Todd has called the police, and they arrest Adam, Susan explains that she’s a reporter, and everything is back to normal by the next page. Sam apologizes to Jessica for not realizing how depressed she was from being grounded. Steve says he’s upset that Cara is going to London for a week, and then the book ends.

Quotes:

There was only one blonde in the room, and she didn’t even have a tan.

This pretty much sums up Jessica’s first impression of the Good Friends.

Sam knew she didn’t like popcorn, but did he care? No. He liked popcorn, so every time they went to a movie, he bought popcorn. And every time, he ate it himself!

That’s because he likes it, Jessica.

“A cult!” Elizabeth gasped. “Here? In Sweet Valley? But that’s impossible!”

I love that Liz’s reaction to stuff like this is never “That’s awful!” or “That’s scary!” Her first reaction is always to say it’s impossible.

The Cover: She really must be brainwashed if she left the house looking like that. The cover art is really bad lately. She looks about twelve. Sam is pretty cute. Ted looks dirty somehow.

The moral of the story: Amy Sutton will turn you gay.

The Big Deal: Party at the Beach Disco, and another at Enid’s

Synopsis:

Jean West has just broken up with Tom McKay. She’s crying about it at lunch one day when Amy sits down and announces she’s had a crush on Tom and wants to “get to know him a little better.” Jean leaves the table, and even Jessica thinks Amy was out of line. She and Lila decide to give her the silent treatment for a while.

Amy does badly on a sociology paper, and Ms. Jacobi says she can earn extra credit by working at a clinic answering a teen helpline. Yeah, I would not want Amy Sutton answering if I had to call one of those. That night at dinner, Amy tells her parents an inane story about guys flirting with her at school. Amy’s mother tells her she wants her to get serious about school and her future. Amy feels bad about herself and I guess I’m supposed to feel sorry for her, but the next thing she thinks is that having a steady boyfriend will show her parents how grown-up she is.

Amy does surprisingly well her first day at Project Youth and impresses Barry, a guy who works there and also happens to be good friends with Tom McKay. Amy finds Tom and Barry on the tennis courts the next day and acts like she needs some tips on tennis. Tom doesn’t take the hint, but Barry offers his help. Amy later confides in Barry that she likes Tom, then doesn’t notice how sad Barry seems at this news.

Enid’s cousin, Jake, comes to town. Everyone is all excited to meet him, so there’s a big party at the Beach Disco. At the party, Amy can’t get Tom to dance with her and asks Barry to help her. Jessica overhears Tom and Barry talking. Tom says he’s not interested in Amy and Barry says he wishes she liked him instead. Jessica knows Barry is really smart and serious and wonders how he could be in love with someone like Amy.

Tom and Jake get along really well and play tennis together the next day. Tom gets all emo when he realizes Jake is going home soon. Then he thinks about Jean and wonders what happened to their relationship. All he knows is that it just didn’t feel right.

Enid is having a party at her house for Jake and Liz goes over to help. When she gets there, it’s clear something has happened between Enid and Jake, but Enid says she can’t tell Liz what’s going on. Amy shows up at the party and immediately starts going after Tom, so Tom finds Jake and they go outside to take a walk. They talk for a while, and Jake tells Tom that he doesn’t have a lot of friends because most people ditch him when they find out he’s gay. Tom feels really weird about this revelation and doesn’t react very well.

A few days later, Enid tells Liz about Jake being gay and the two of them have a grand conversation about how people should be respectful of one another. You can almost feel the self-righteous smugness coming off the page. Tom keeps replaying Jake’s confession and wonders if he reacted negatively because maybe he’s gay, too. He tells everything to Mr. Collins, who sends him to Project Youth. When he gets there, Tom runs into Liz, who is there doing a story for The Oracle. She sees him reading a pamphlet about homosexuality, so Tom tells her what’s on his mind and asks her not to tell anyone he was there. After Tom’s session at Project Youth, he tells Barry he might be gay. Barry doesn’t mind and they go ahead and play their tennis game.

Amy, still convinced she can win Tom over, buys some concert tickets and tells Barry she’s going to ask Tom to go with her. Barry tells her Tom doesn’t like her, so Amy gets mad at Barry and ignores him the rest of the day. I guess she doesn’t believe him, because she asks Tom to the concert the next day at lunch in front of everyone. He turns her down, but she keeps trying to get him to go. Kirk Anderson calls her a dumb blonde because she’s not getting the hint. Humiliated, Amy leaves the table and avoids everyone. She gets a note from Tom apologizing about the concert and telling her not to worry about Kirk. Then Jessica finds her and tells her Barry must really like her because he told Kirk off. Amy acts like she’d never like someone like Barry, but then Jessica says Barry is cute, so now Amy feels like it’s okay to like him. She takes him to the concert and they start dating.

Quotes:

Even Amy’s relationship with Bruce Patman, though long-term, had not been true love, nothing like the relationship Elizabeth Wakefield had with Todd Wilkins.

Why, why, why are Liz and Todd the standard everyone wants to meet at Sweet Valley High? They’re such a terrible couple.

The Cover: First of all, what the hell happened to Amy? She used to be cute. Second, how did everyone not know Tom was gay?

The moral of the story: Your boyfriend doesn’t need to apologize for spending all his time with gorgeous coeds. If you don’t like it, that’s your problem.

The Big Deal: Super Sundae!

Synopsis:

The cheerleaders need to do a fundraiser to refloor the gym, and Robin comes up with the idea of making the world’s largest hot fudge sundae and having people buy servings of it. Jessica thinks it’s a great idea, but later gets annoyed that Robin came up with it instead of her. They’re going to have the event on a Sunday so they can call it Super Sundae. Robin’s been feeling insecure about her weight recently. She still feels like a fat person, and it’s even worse when George isn’t around to make her feel pretty. Sadly, George is going to be taking another flying course (because the last one worked out so well), so he’s not going to have much time for Robin for a while.

George makes a friend in his flying class named Vicky. He tells Robin how smart Vicky is, so Robin assumes she’s really nerdy and ugly. (Don’t worry, Robin berates herself later for her stereotyping.) George wants to bring Vicky with him to meet Robin when he comes to visit over the weekend. Robin would rather be alone with George, but naturally doesn’t tell him so. Robin is shocked when Vicky turns out to be gorgeous. They all go to the Beach Disco. Robin is too miserable to have fun, so she keeps telling Vicky and George to dance together. Then she gets jealous that they’re dancing together. She gets on her scale that night and freaks out because she’s gained three pounds. Convinced she’s going to lose George to Vicky, she decides she needs to start a serious diet.

By her next date with George, Robin has lost eight pounds, but she still thinks she’s fat. She hopes George doesn’t notice her “extra weight.” She needn’t have worried, though, because all George wants to talk about is Vicky. Robin gets depressed and can’t eat her meal, and George can’t figure out what her problem is. He gets annoyed and takes Robin home. Robin starts to get a little bit weird and develops some OCD tendencies. She also turns into a total control freak about the Super Sundae thing and starts bossing the other cheerleaders around.

Robin eventually stops eating altogether and even Jessica starts to worry about her. Robin faints at the Super Sundae thing. Someone calls an ambulance and Robin wakes up in the hospital. Vicky comes to visit her and for some reason tells Robin a sob story about her parents’ divorce. I’m not sure what her point is, but at the end of the conversation, Robin realizes George loves her just as much as he always did. So when she sees George, she apologizes to him for the way she’s been acting. Ugh. Then she tells him she’s anorexic and needs to take a break from the relationship so she can work on herself. Good for you, Robin.

Quotes:

Lois would never be a fashion model, but she clearly had a great relationship with Gene, and her outlook on life was completely optimistic. So what difference did it make if she couldn’t wear size-six jeans? None at all, Elizabeth told herself confidently. None at all.

Lois doesn’t need you to be confident for her, Liz. She doesn’t need your validation. Zark off.

Also, some Douglas Adams for you because I feel like it: By a curious coincidence, “None at all” is exactly how much suspicion the ape-descendant Arthur Dent had that one of his closest friends was not descended from an ape, but was in fact from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse and not from Guildford as he usually claimed.

The Cover: Wow. Robin is WAY hotter than the twins. Best. Cover. Ever.

The moral of the story: Racism can happen anywhere, even in the otherwise perfect town of Sweet Valley, California.

The Big Deal: Nothing much happening today. Too much racial tension.

Synopsis:

Andy Jenkins is the token black boy at Sweet Valley High. He’s dating Tracy Gilbert, token black girl Patty Gilbert’s cousin or sister or something. He’s good friends with Neil Freemount, and he and Tracy often double date with Neil and Penny. Neil accompanies Andy to his locker one day at school, and is appalled to see someone has filled Andy’s locker with garbage and written, “Go back to Africa where you belong,” on the door. Damn. I wasn’t expecting that. Neil wants Andy to tell Mr. Cooper, but Andy thinks it’s best to just ignore it.

The next day, Neil’s family has a picnic with the Cashmans. Mr. Freemount and Mr. Cashman work together at Patman Canning and are good friends. You might remember Charlie Cashman from that time he and Crunch McAllister got into a fight with Steve Wakefield over Betsy Martin. Charlie isn’t at the picnic, for which Neil is grateful. Charlie’s father starts talking about his new supervisor at work, Willis. Mr. Cashman thinks Willis, who is black, only got the job because of affirmative action. Neil is horrified when his own father agrees with him, but hopes his dad is just going along with his friend. On Monday at school, Andy finds out he’s won a scholarship to study marine biology at some famous aquarium over the summer. I forgot to mention that Andy is a science whiz. After school, Andy and Tracy have a bite at the Dairi Burger with Neil and Penny. When they go to leave, the girls stay inside for a minute to talk to someone. Charlie Cashman and his gang of thugs harass Andy, and Neil tells them to shut up. When Tracy and Penny come out, Andy walks Tracy to her car. They find all of her tires have been slashed. So now Andy is all pissed off and when Neil tries to offer help and advice, Andy tells him he doesn’t need help, especially not from “any white person.”

Liz has the great idea to put a feature in the Oracle where students can write in and suggest things they would like to change about Sweet Valley. She’s expecting silly stuff like people asking for better food in the cafeteria, and she’s surprised when people immediately start talking about real things. Manuel thinks history should be taught differently because students don’t learn that Mexicans settled in California before white people. Dana thinks boys’ sports get more attention than girls’ sports and it’s not right. Penny wants to do away with Pi Beta Alpha. Liz can’t believe people are so dissatisfied with her beloved school. And when Penny and Neil tell her what’s been going on between Andy and Charlie, she gets all worked up and has to go home to her bedroom to think.

At dinner one night, Neil’s dad says some things about Mr. Cashman getting picked on at work by his black boss. Then Charlie shows up and asks Neil to go for a ride with him. Neil feels bad for Charlie, knowing that if Mr. Cashman is having a hard time at work, he’s probably taking it out on his wife and kid. So Neil goes with him and they cruise around for a while, honking the car horn in front of people’s houses and then driving away. When Neil gets home, he feels ashamed for hanging out with the guy who’s causing so much trouble for his best friend. Like, seriously, there’s no way I’d be hanging out with that guy unless it was to tell him off for being such a jackass. But for some reason, Neil doesn’t mention Andy at all.

At school the next day, Charlie comes up to Neil and asks him to go out with him and his friends. Neil says he’s waiting for Andy, and Charlie starts giving him shit about his “black buddy.” Neil sees Andy and goes to talk to him. Andy’s all, “So you’re friends with Charlie now?” Neil tells Andy he was sticking up for him and Andy gets all weird and says Neil can’t be friends with him if he’s friends with Charlie. Neil doesn’t want to be friends with Charlie, but he’s pissed off and says he’ll be friends with anyone he wants. Andy walks away.

Charlie trips Andy in the hallway at school, and Andy tackles him. Mr. Collins breaks up the fight and sends Charlie to the office. Then he drags Neil into his classroom and asks him if Charlie is picking on Andy because he’s black. Neil says he is, but dismisses Mr. Collins’ request to let him know if anything else happens. Neil and Penny go to the movies that night, but Neil is angry about Andy and they end up leaving early. When they get to the parking lot, they see Charlie and his thugs dragging Andy out of his car. Neil sends Penny inside to call the police. He runs over to the guys, but by the time he gets to Charlie and Andy, Andy is unconscious on the ground. Charlie starts taunting Neil, telling him to take a swing. Someone holds Andy up and Neil is so upset about the way Andy’s been treating him that he actually punches him in the stomach. Then he freaks out about what he’s done and drives off. He pulls over after a while and throws up.

Damn.

Everyone assumes Charlie was behind the whole thing, but Andy refuses to identify his attackers. On Monday, it seems word of the attack has spread. Jessica’s sociology teacher decides to do a little experiment. She says everyone with blue or gray eyes is now a second class citizen and gives the rest of the class permission to treat the “Light-Eyes” as badly as they want. Even Mrs. Jacobi herself gets in on it and starts being all mean to the Light-Eyes. I’m not sure this would ever fly at any school I ever went to.

Neil is freaking out about someone finding out he had hit Andy, so he avoids everyone. When he gets home, his father surprises him with tickets to a football game. They have a lot of fun until halftime, when Mr. Freemount says he got a call from Mr. Cashman that morning. He says that even though it’s wrong to hit a guy when he’s down, Neil did the right thing because Andy had it coming. Neil is silent for the rest of the game. When they get back to Sweet Valley, Neil asks his dad to stop so he can get out. He runs over to Andy’s house, determined to tell him about what he did, but when he gets there Andy apologizes for being such a jerk. He wants to start over without any black-white crap between them. Neil shakes his hand and goes home, frustrated with himself for not telling Andy what really happened. After Andy goes back to school, Charlie tells Neil that Andy obviously didn’t learn his lesson, and that if Neil doesn’t help him get Andy, Charlie will tell the police Neil was the one who beat him up at the movie theater.

Neil finally tells Andy that he hit him. Andy walks away feeling betrayed and Penny says Neil isn’t who she thought he was. Instead of going to his next class, Neil goes outside and gets in his car. Liz taps on his window, looks at him with “sad and compassionate” eyes and tells him that even though what he did was wrong, it must have taken a lot of courage to tell Andy the truth. Neil is grateful that someone understands. (And you knew that someone would be Elizabeth Wakefield.)  He drives around for a while and then ends up back at school. He sees Andy on the football field and Charlie and his gang walking toward him. He jumps out of his car and stands with Andy, telling Charlie he’ll have to beat them both up if he wants to take on Andy again. Charlie and his guys are nervous about this and they go away. Andy tells Neil this doesn’t make up for anything. Neil says he knows, but he’ll always stand with Andy against Charlie. Andy and Neil walk off in opposite directions.

That night, Penny is sitting around feeling sorry for herself. She suddenly comes to the conclusion that if she had been a better girlfriend to Neil and been there for him more, he wouldn’t have been confused and upset enough to hit Andy. What the hell? Then Neil calls and she decides to talk to him. She’s not sure if she can ever feel the same way about him, but she’s going to try. Which means in the next book there will be a bit about how they’d “gone through a rough patch, but now they were closer than ever!”

So, obviously, this book could be better, but one thing I do like is that for once it doesn’t end with a “happily ever after.” I’m sure Penny and Neil will get back together, but I’m not sure Andy will ever speak to Neil again and there was no ridiculous scene where Neil’s father suddenly sees the error of his ways and stops being a racist. So, points for that. But minus quite a few points for the “Don’t talk to ME about Mr. King!” line.

Quotes:

“Everyone is completely shocked,” Penny continued. “I just can’t believe something like that could happen here. I thought it only happened in big cities, like New York or L.A., but I guess I was naïve.”

Yes, I do believe that’s the not-so-subtle lesson we’re learning today.

For the rest of class, Jessica, Amy, and the other Light-Eyes were the victims of the worst kind of scorn, criticism, and ridicule. The teacher announced at one point that all the Light-Eyes would have to sit at the back of the room and would not be allowed to speak under any circumstances.

Yeah, I really just don’t think that’s a reasonable way to teach kids about racism. I mean, maybe some version of it, but letting the kids with dark eyes go crazy on the kids with light eyes is probably not something I’d approve of for my kid’s class if I were a parent.

The Cover: Ooh, homoerotic porn, right here in Sweet Valley.

The moral of the story: If your whole family is fighting, they’ll probably all make up if you run away from home.

The Big Deal: Costume party

Synopsis:

Before we were so rudely interrupted by Bruce’s sad excuse for a story, Ned and Alice Wakefield were in the middle of splitting up and Jessica was spending all her free time talking to a guy named Charlie, who she met on a teen party line. Ned had just decided to run for mayor of Sweet Valley. This book opens with Ned moving out of the Wakefields’ lovely split-level home and into a crappy apartment that makes Liz want to cry. Liz wants to cry a lot of the time, actually, because she’s determined to blame herself for her parents’ breakup.

Alice gets the phone bill and Jessica has to tell her it’s so high because of the party line she’s been calling. Alice tells her she’s suspending Jessica’s allowance and making her get a part-time job to pay off the bill. Jessica thinks that’s unfair, so she complains to daddy and he offers to talk to Alice about softening the punishment. At school, Amy and Lila are hounding Jessica about Charlie and making fun of her for having a boyfriend she’s never even met, so Jessica tells them she and Charlie are going roller-skating on Saturday. This is a great big lie, and Jessica decides that she’ll have to convince Charlie to go roller-skating with her, and if he comes up with another excuse not to meet her, she’ll tell him it’s all over between them. Luckily (I guess) for Charlie, he agrees to meet her at three o’clock on Saturday at the roller rink, and he’ll be carrying a red rose.

Liz does poorly on an English paper and wants to tell Mr. Collins what’s going on, but doesn’t feel like talking about it. Then she goes for a bike ride and ends up staring at her father’s apartment building for twenty minutes. When she gets home, there are two messages from Todd on the answering machine. Liz forgot she was supposed to go shopping with him to help him pick out a birthday present for his mother. Liz apologizes and says she wants to stay home with her mom. Todd tells her to remember he needs some attention sometimes, too. What an incredible jackass. So now Liz is feeling guilty about that. After school on Friday, Todd tells Liz he got tickets to some show and wants to take her out that night. She tells him she wants to be with her mother and he gets all disappointed and tells her it seems like she doesn’t want to be around him anymore. She kind of says, “Yeah, you’re right.” She breaks up with him because she’s so disillusioned about relationships and she’s sure she and Todd would break up sooner or later anyway. She’s also feeling like such a screw-up lately that she figures Todd is better off without her.

Ned calls for Alice and they have a fight about Jessica, then Alice yells at Jessica for going behind her back to Ned. A few days later, Jessica asks Lila if she can borrow some money to buy a new outfit for her date with Charlie. Lila says no, but tells Jessica how to play her father for money and gifts now that he’s probably feeling all guilty about the separation. So daddy buys her a suede vest and “western-looking” jeans and she goes off to the roller rink. Amy tags along just to make sure Charlie is real. There’s a guy with a red rose who introduces himself as Charlie, but Jessica thinks his voice is different than it sounds on the phone, and he acts all stiff and weird. Then Charlie calls her later that night to tell her what a great time he had and Jessica assumes he’s just bad at first dates. They have dinner on Wednesday, and Jessica tells him afterward that she doesn’t want to see him again, though she’d still like to be friends and talk to him on the phone. One day, she calls the party line again and talks to one of her phone friends, Sara. Sara tells Jessica that the guy she met wasn’t really Charlie. The real Charlie doesn’t think he’s good-looking enough for Jessica, so he got a friend of his to pretend to be him.

After a conversation with Jessica, Liz decides breaking up with Todd was a good idea, and she’s going to play the field from now on. She goes to school on Monday wearing one of Jessica’s miniskirts and by lunchtime she has a date with Paul Jeffries, who is apparently a womanizer, at least according to Enid. On Tuesday, she goes out with a different guy. Jessica starts to get annoyed that Liz is getting so much attention from the guys at school. She picks a fight with her after school one day and Steve gets involved. The whole thing escalates until Jessica says their parents’ breakup is all Liz’s fault because Liz gave Alice’s assistant the phone number at their cabin in Tahoe.

Liz tells Enid she’s going to run away from home. She figures either her grandparents in Michigan or her aunt and uncle in Texas will take her in. Enid tells her she’s crazy and offers to let her stay at her house. Liz agrees and writes a letter explaining that she’s staying with “a friend.” She and Enid deliver the letters to Ned and Alice. When Ned gets his, he goes to the Wakefields’ house and everyone is all frantic about where Liz could be. Enid’s phone is busy all night and nobody else has seen her. The next morning, Liz feels much better after a whole night of relaxation. She puts Enid’s phone back on the hook and waits for her mom to call. Alice comes to pick her up and the whole family sits down to talk. Liz finally gets it through her thick skull that she’s not to blame for her parents’ breakup.

Things are almost back to normal, or at least on their way to normal (I can’t tell if Ned’s moved back home or not), but Jessica wants Liz and Todd to get back together. She enlists Steve to help her. On Sunday afternoon, Jessica gets a look at what Liz is wearing and then dresses the same way. She calls Todd and tells him to meet her at Secca Lake to talk. At the lake, she tells him she wants to get back together. He says he loves her and wants that, too. Liz hears the whole thing because Steve made her take a walk with him to a spot where they could eavesdrop. Jessica pretends she needs something from her car and gets up, letting Liz take over from there.

There’s a costume party at school and Jessica is all pissed that she doesn’t have a date. She knows Amy doesn’t have a date, either, so she decides that she’ll take Fake Charlie and Amy can take Real Charlie to the party. She calls Charlie up and tells him she knows the truth and somehow manages to convince him to go to the party. Brook (Fake Charlie) is as boring as ever and is dressed as a golfer. Charlie is a pirate, Jessica is an “intergalactic princess,” and Amy is a cheerleader. That’s right, she just wears her cheerleading uniform. Jessica expects Charlie and Brook to be fighting over her all night, but it doesn’t happen and it makes her furious. (Setup for the next book:) She decides she’s going to help her father win the race for mayor so all her “friends” will be jealous when she’s the daughter of such an important person.

Quotes:

“But I need your help choosing a birthday present for my mom, remember? What am I going to do now? Her birthday’s tomorrow!”

Hey, Todd, how about you shop for your mother yourself? Jackass.

“Why should this time be any different from usual? I’m impulsive and Steven’s stubborn and only Elizabeth is perfectly reasonable.” She glared at her sister. “Why don’t you stop and listen to yourself for once? You sound so self-satisfied!”

Tell her, Jess!

True, he wasn’t classically handsome. He had a bumpy nose, he was a little too thin, and his eyes were spaced too close together, but there was something very appealing about him.

Jeez, I’d hate to see know what Jessica would think of real people who live outside Sweet Valley.

The Cover: I love the tagline. “Elizabeth is running away!” Yeah, she spends the night at Enid’s house. Hardly the dramatic act I was envisioning. This cover ranks right up there with Jessica’s runaway cover.

The moral of the story: One week of overtime at work will ruin your marriage.

The Big Deal: Wakefield family trip to Tahoe.

Synopsis:

Maria Santelli’s father is running for mayor of Sweet Valley and the Wakefields are behind him one hundred percent. Then Mr. Santelli is accused of accepting bribes after a large sum of money is mysteriously deposited into his bank account. He and Ned Wakefield are good friends, so he asks Ned to defend him in his upcoming trial. At first Ned doesn’t think it’s a good idea because he doesn’t practice that kind of law, but the kids convince him to do it. Alice is unsupportive because it’s going to take a lot of his time and energy.

The Wakefield clan is falling apart. Ned is working long hours on Mr. Santelli’s trial and Alice’s interior decorating firm is trying to land a big project designing a new wing at the mall, so she’s working long hours as well. When Ned and Alice are together, they mostly ignore each other. Jessica has discovered a 900 number for teenagers to meet each other and she’s been spending hours talking to some kid named Charlie. Why she and Charlie don’t just exchange numbers and call each other for free, I don’t know. Liz starts doing all the grocery shopping and whatnot and then getting pissed that nobody is helping her. Jessica points out that nobody asked her to do that stuff, so she should just chill out.

Liz decides to make a great family dinner to bring everyone together again. She decides to make…spaghetti. Way to go for the gold, Liz. Ned comes home all depressed because Mr. Santelli’s trial was suspended or thrown out or something, Liz ruins the spaghetti and then Alice comes home happy because her firm got the design job. Ned snaps at her and says he guesses she’ll be home even less now than she has been lately. Ned and Alice are acting like Todd and Elizabeth. I can’t stand either of them. Like, nothing’s happening in this book except them fighting. This may end up being a short recap.

Mr. Santelli withdraws from the race and Ned blames himself for ruining the man’s career. Meanwhile, Alice has become kind of a celebrity for landing the mall project. The whole family goes to a fraternity dinner with Ned and everyone makes a fuss over Alice, which makes Ned feel sorry for himself. Ugh, I hate him. Some jerkface associate Ned works with makes a comment about Ned’s case getting thrown out. Ned storms out of the restaurant. The rest of the Wakefields follow him and Alice tries to tell him to go back inside, but Ned yells at her for making him go to the dinner. Then he gets in his car and drives off. (Don’t worry, they arrived in separate cars.) A couple days later, Henry Patman and Mr. Santelli’s financial adviser come by the Wakefields’ house and ask Ned to run for mayor. Ned tries to find Alice, but she’s just pulling out of the driveway to go to the office. So of course they have a fight about how much she’s been working and he doesn’t even mention running for mayor.

The Wakefields have been planning a trip to Tahoe for the weekend, but now Alice is acting like she won’t be able to go. Liz talks to Julia, Alice’s assistant, and asks her to help convince Alice she needs a break. Julia says she’ll do it as long as Liz gives her a phone number to get in touch with Alice in case of emergencies while she’s gone. Their cabin doesn’t have a phone, but Liz gives Julia the number to the main inn.

Once they’re all up in the mountains, everything seems to be going great. Then Jessica, who overheard Ned’s conversation with Mr. Patman, mentions something about Ned running for mayor. Alice freaks out that Ned hasn’t said anything about it to her and they have yet another fight. Then some kid rides up on a bicycle and tells Alice she has a phone call at the inn. Ned is pissed off that she gave out the number. Later, Liz tells Alice that she was the one who gave Julia the number. Alice forgives her and tells her Ned is just looking for reasons to be mad at her for some reason.

They all decide to go horseback riding the next day, but Alice gets another phone call. They all wait for her for a long time, then she comes back and says she has to go home to fix some kind of disaster at work. She and Ned fight, he says he’s going to run for mayor, she says she doesn’t care, he threatens divorce if she leaves. She leaves.

END SCENE.

Quotes:

Re: Ned contemplating taking on Mr. Santelli’s case:

“You’d probably have to work long hours,” [Alice] added, “and right now, right after I’ve just taken on more responsibilities at the office, I’m not really sure…”

Ten pages later, after Alice is chosen to head up her design team:

“Isn’t this going to mean awfully long hours? I’m sorry to say this, Alice, but right now—especially with my commitment to Mr. Santelli—is it really such a good idea for you to be taking on this much extra work?”

What a dick.

“If you leave now, you’re leaving me. You’re leaving our marriage.”

Yes, he says this to his wife right in front of his children. What an awesome guy.

The Cover: Aw, poor little orphan children. The twins look all sad and hungry, like they’re about to go out on the streets begging for food. Steve, naturally, looks bored.