Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: You’d better be good at sports if you want to change a sexist’s mind about women.

The Big Deal: Field trip to the zoo, Sixth Grade Follies, softball championship

Synopsis:

The twins have a new homeroom teacher, Mr. Davis. The first thing Mr. Davis does is change everyone’s seating. He puts the boys on one side of the room and the girls on the other. Then he changes everyone’s classroom assignments. He puts the girls in charge of “girly” things like feeding the gerbils and cleaning up after class, and the boys get all the cool jobs, like taking messages to the office. The class is taking a field trip to the zoo the next day, and money was collected for everyone to buy lunch there. Instead, Mr. Davis gives the money to the girls so they can buy stuff to make sandwiches. At the zoo, Mr. Davis tells the girls to go get sodas for everyone, and then makes them clean up after everyone has eaten.

More injustices: Mr. Davis gives each group a different poem to read. The boys get an awesome poem about the Revolutionary War, while the girls have to read something stupid about fairies in a garden. When Amy says the poem was silly and asks why they couldn’t have a good poem like the one the boys had, Mr. Davis says he felt the fairy thing was more appropriate for girls.

It’s almost time for the Sixth Grade Follies and Liz was hoping to direct a skit written by Nora. However, Mr. Davis thinks directing is a man’s job and he doesn’t even glance at Nora’s skit before deciding on Ross Bradley’s dumb thing about apes. The upshot of all this is that the boys are now feeling like they’re superior to the girls. The girls are pissed.

But nobody wants to tell their parents or the principal. They decide to take care of things themselves.

The girls’ big plan is to act as helpless and weak as the boys seem to think they are. So Jessica says she can’t feed the gerbils because they scare her, Ellen can’t water the plants because the watering can is too heavy. You see what I’m saying. But then it’s time for the big softball game (yeah, suddenly there’s a softball championship going on between all the homerooms) and the girls have to act like they can’t play. When his class loses the game, Mr. Davis kicks all the girls off the team.

And still nobody tells an adult.

Principal Clark observes the twins’ homeroom one day to see how Mr. Davis is getting along. The girls are prepared. They pop their gum, talk loudly to each other, act stupid in general. Mr. Davis doesn’t notice because he’s started tuning the girls out entirely. Mr. Clark has to tell him that the girls might not be so bored if they were included in the class discussion. Mr. Davis replies, “What do you expect from girls?” What a douchecanoe.

New development: the Sweet Valley Town Council has decided to remodel the middle school and the school is getting a committee of students together to contribute ideas. Liz wants on that committee, but she knows the boys will all vote for each other and Mr. Davis would break the tie in their favor. She and Jessica figure if they can get one of the boys to be absent the day the homeroom votes on its committee members, the girls will get voted in, no problem. So they tell Ricky Capaldo they’re going to make sure he wins, and he’s so shy that he decides not to come to school so he can’t be nominated. The plan works! Nora, Amy and Liz are on the committee. Neither the committee nor the remodeling plans are ever mentioned again.

And now it’s time for the Sixth Grade Follies. Mr. Clark tells Mr. Davis his boys did a horrible job and says the girls should have been involved, too. Mr. Davis sort of apologizes to the girls and it looks like things might be turning around, but when Amy asks if they can play in the next softball game, Mr. Davis says girls suck too much at sports to play in such an important game. The girls go to the game and sit in the stands wearing their uniforms. The boys play like crap. Jessica gets a bunch of seventh- and eighth-grade Unicorns to start chanting, “We want the girls!” and Tom McKay, who has finally seen the light, convinces Mr. Davis to let them play.

Naturally, the girls win the game for the whole team, and Mr. Davis sees the error of his ways. He promises things will be different from now on and the whole class celebrates with a pizza party.

Quotes:

“Look, girls. It is important to all of us that we win this game, right? Well, when it comes to athletics, boys are simply better suited than girls. It’s a fact of nature that no one can change. I’m sorry, but maybe you can play next time when it’s less crucial.”

How did this jackhole even get hired?

The Cover: I read this book many times as a kid, and I always hated the cover. Does that guy have the biggest butt you ever saw? If not, he must be standing in the most uncomfortable butt-sticking-out stance possible.

The Moral of the Story: Who cares? I’m done! Last book of the series!

The Big Deal: Graduation! Birthday party! Woohoo!

Synopsis:

Monday: Maria is freaking out about her valedictorian speech. She hasn’t even started it yet. She wants to be there for Ken, who is clearly upset about the upcoming anniversary of Olivia’s death, but she can’t focus on him while she still has this speech to write.

Liz tells her parents she got into Oxford, and Alice tells Jessica. Jessica freaks out and tells Liz she doesn’t want anything to do with her on their birthday, which is Thursday. Jessica calls Jeremy and gets pissed when he says his parents planned a graduation party for him on Thursday night. Jessica somehow turns this around to mean that Jeremy doesn’t care about her anymore. Oh, boy.

Tuesday: Liz decides to make things better with Jessica by planning a surprise party for their birthday. Again? Didn’t we try this last year? I recall it ending in tragedy. Liz talks to Conner and Tia and they decide to have it at the Riot. Maria sits around feeling sorry for herself all day because she needs help with her speech, and she’s annoyed when Liz says she needs to work on the party plans and can’t help her. Jessica decides she’s going to throw a party and not invite Liz, but Tia tells her Liz is already throwing one and the entire senior class is going. Jessica is pissed that Liz is having a party and not inviting her. Oh, Jessica.

Tia, Andy and Conner are all excited about their post-graduation road trip. It’s supposed to be just the three of them, but Tia has told Trent he can come along. She tells Andy, and he says that in that case, Dave is coming, too. Before Andy can tell Conner, Conner says he appreciates Tia and Andy leaving Trent and Dave behind for three weeks so the three of them can have their special best friend alone time.

Jessica’s home ec teacher tells Liz that Jessica never made up her risotto assignment, and she won’t be able to graduate unless she makes it up the next day. Liz knows Jessica has plans with Jeremy the next afternoon, so she decides to pull a twin switch and do it herself.

Wednesday: Liz has a meeting with a rep from Oxford. She kind of hopes the meeting will suck so she’ll have an excuse not to go, but the rep tells her all the wonderful things about Oxford and makes Liz want to go there more than ever.

Conner overhears Tia talking about how excited Trent is about the road trip, and he loses his shit. He tells Tia and Andy to uninvite their boyfriends, but they don’t want to. So Conner says they can all go together and he’ll just stay home.

Liz is the salutatorian, so she and Maria meet in the library to work on their speeches together. Liz says she hasn’t even started hers yet, and Maria flies off the handle because Liz isn’t taking it seriously enough. Then Liz gets really stupid and says she should have been valedictorian. So now Liz and Maria are in a fight. Liz heads to the home ec room to make a risotto.

Jessica goes to dinner with Jeremy and his family, who are all in town for graduation. As the family catches up on stuff, Jessica keeps thinking of how awful it’s going to be next year when she’s separated from both Liz and Jeremy. She gets up and leaves the table, and Jeremy follows her. He asks her what’s wrong, and she decides she’s pissed at him for not inviting her to his graduation party the next night. He says he figured she’d want to do something else since it’s her birthday, but Jessica is beyond reasoning. She runs to the parking lot in tears.

Evan gets off Berkeley’s waiting list. Thanks, Tia.

Thursday: Jessica wakes up in a terrible mood. Liz tries to make up over breakfast, and she tells Jessica she saved her from having to make a risotto. Jessica accuses Liz of thinking she’s so flaky that she can’t even do her own schoolwork. An argument ensues and Jessica takes the Jeep and goes to school.

Today is for graduation practice, but neither Liz nor Maria have their speeches prepared. Liz tells Maria not to worry about it, and subtly points out Conner, who is backstage cutting the wires to the microphone. Principal Chrome Dome suddenly can’t be heard, and Maria is worried Conner will be caught. Liz tells her not to worry, and at that moment, Jade stands up in the middle of the seated seniors and yells that Evan can’t stop her if she wants to go commando under her graduation robe. She starts a “Naked!” chant, and in all the confusion, Conner manages to get back to his seat before anyone notices he’s gone. Maria and Liz apologize to each other for their fight, and then Maria takes off for the library to work on her speech.

The twins run into each other in the line for yearbooks, and Liz apologizes. It seems like Jessica is just about to lighten up and talk to her, but then the home ec teacher comes running down the hall. She says the risotto was horrible and Jessica will have to try again that afternoon. Jessica is pissed and hates Liz all over again.

Tia, Trent, Andy and Dave go to the Riot to start setting things up, and Trent and Dave say they’ve been looking over the itinerary and have some changes they’d like to make. Tia and Andy get irritated and decide they’ll just have to tell their boyfriends they can’t come. They don’t have to, though. After listening to Tia, Andy and Conner tell stories about each other for a while, they announce the three of them should go alone.

In really sickening news, Jade’s mother has written a book and a publisher has offered her a lot of money to turn it into a series. That’s not the sickening part. The sickening part is this: “It’s about a pair of twins who have very different personalities…But they’re still closer to each other than to anyone else in the world…” Barf.

While she’s cooking, Jessica says something about the dress she wore yesterday, and Ms. Goldberg realizes it was Elizabeth who made the awful risotto. Jessica explains that she and Liz have been fighting, and Ms. Goldberg actually makes her feel better about things. Jessica goes to Jeremy’s graduation that night, and they make up afterward. Then she goes home and gets ready to go to the Riot and make up with Liz. She falls asleep instead.

Liz is at the party, feeling miserable about Oxford. She decides she’ll miss Jessica too much if she goes. She goes home to tell her so. The twins make up and talk about how much fun they’ll have at Sweet Valley University next year.

Friday: Graduation day. At the ceremony, the twins sit next to Todd because of stupid alphabetical order, and Todd asks Liz to go out with him after graduation. She accepts. Dammit, we just got rid of one codependency, and now you’re going back to an old one? UGH.

Liz never actually got around to working on a speech and all she has is a bunch of note cards. She’s nervous about making a fool of herself, so Jessica takes her notes and pulls another twin switch. Two in one book! Jessica, as Elizabeth, gives an awesome speech and everyone applauds.

THE FREAKING END!!!!!

Quotes:

A few of our old friends make cameo appearances in this book, even Robin Wilson, who came all the way back from Denver. It’s like graduation day on Boy Meets World. I wonder if they’ve been hanging out with Minkus in the other hallway?

When Enid turned into the classroom, her shirt slipped down, exposing a little skull tattoo on her back. Elizabeth shot Maria a look. She didn’t know if Enid’s tattoo was real, but if there was a yearbook award for most changed, Enid would definitely win. She’d gone from geeky to goth in less than a year.

Winston Egbert handed Elizabeth her test paper and flashed her a quick thumbs-up for luck.

Robin Wilson grimaced and held her gown up to her slim body. Her soft brown hair tumbled down over her face as she looked down at the shiny fabric. “Please, Liz. I mean, you spend all this time and effort dropping weight, and then they make you wear a muumuu to graduation.”

Bruce Patman, of all people, walked in – someone she hadn’t seen since he left for college and hadn’t liked much before then. He was all prepped out in a light blue button-down and khakis, and the second he saw Ken Matthews and Aaron Dallas, he dove into the crowd and started shaking hands like a politician.

And there is actually some mention of the more bizarre happenings from junior year:

Almost every single good memory Jessica cherished had occurred inside the sprawling building. And some bad ones, of course – kidnappings, bomb threats, gang wars, that crazy Margot [sic] chick who had come to town and tried to pretend she was Elizabeth. Junior year had definitely been tumultuous.

Definitely.

[Elizabeth] turned her full attention to Maria, whose expression made her look almost exactly the same as she had when she’d broken the news to Elizabeth and Jessica that their dog, Prince Albert, had run away during the earthquake last year – very uncomfortable.

So that’s what happened to the dog. I wonder why Maria had to be the one to break the news.

“We’ve lost many friends – Olivia Davidson, Roger Patman, Ronnie Edwards, Regina Morrow, to name a few.”

I don’t remember Roger Patman dying.

The Cover: Sorry about the terrible image. This book is all shiny and metallic and didn’t scan well. I went to The Closet, but theirs is the same.

This cover is totally lame. I have no idea which twin is which. I’d guess the one on the right is Jessica, but after 180+ books in the original series telling me Liz always wears her hair in a ponytail, I don’t quite believe it. Also, I think the one on the right looks kind of stoned.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Big Deal: Olivia’s funeral.

Synopsis:

The Wakefields are staying at Fowler Crest while their house is being rebuilt. Sweet Valley is all fucked up. The Dairi Burger, the Beach Disco, Miller’s Point, the movie theater – pretty much everything besides the school is ruined. White Maria sets up a refugee center because the only people in town who can do things like that are sixteen-year-olds.

Liz can’t remember anything that happened during the earthquake, but she and Enid assume Devon is the one who saved their lives. I don’t know why. I thought it was an EMT guy. Either way, it wasn’t Devon and he feels like crap about it. Liz and Enid stop by his house one day to thank him, and he totally accepts their thanks. He feels kind of ashamed of himself, but Liz seems to love him again so he just keeps on lying. Unfortunately, Enid seems to love him now, too. She tells a reporter that Devon saved her life, and suddenly a gaggle of them are on his front lawn, asking him questions about his heroic act. Enid keeps throwing herself at Devon, which annoys both him and Liz.

Black Maria tells Liz she overheard her and Devon arguing the night of the earthquake, and she says Devon absolutely wasn’t the one who saved her. Liz is a stupid bitch and thinks Maria is lying to her. She gets pissed and leaves. They make up a few pages later and Maria hypnotizes Liz to help her remember. I don’t get what Liz’s deal is. It seems like she knows she was electrocuted by downed power lines, but she’s totally confused by the burn marks on her legs and doesn’t know where they came from. She turns the whole thing into a mystery she needs to solve.

Jessica is a total mess and can’t stop thinking about Alyssa, the girl whose life she failed to save. She has nightmares every night and feels totally guilty. One night, she sneaks out of Fowler Crest after a particularly bad dream and heads to the high school. She’s sitting on the bleachers in the stadium when Ken Matthews shows up and sits down next to her. They talk about their guilty feelings for a few minutes and it seems like they’re both starting to feel better, but when Jessica says she wishes she were dead, Ken freaks out. Like, out of nowhere starts yelling about how he’s way worse off than Jessica. Then he leaves. Whatever, dude. Jessica eventually talks to Alyssa’s brother, Bryan. He’s feeling the guilt, too. He and Jessica tell each other it was nobody’s fault, the fucking earthquake did it.

Ever since Lila and Todd almost kissed in the Wakefields’ bathroom, neither one of them can stop thinking about it. But for some reason, they keep bickering every time they see each other. It’s really kind of annoying.

Olivia’s funeral is held in the Davidsons’ back yard. While everyone is taking turns saying a few words about Olivia, Liz catches a glimpse of Dana’s snake-shaped arm cuff thing. Suddenly, she remembers the snake in the pool, and that memory is apparently the key to all the other memories. Now she remembers that Devon was too scared to help her, and she’s incredibly pissed off that he would pretend to be a hero.

Everyone says such nice things about Olivia, and Lila, who wants to turn over a new leaf, feels bad that she was too much of a snob to get to know her. After the service, she starts crying and then suddenly Todd is there hugging her. Lila’s fine with that, but then Todd kisses her. She is completely disgusted that he would kiss her at a funeral, so she tells him off and stomps away. She and Amy go shopping.

Liz catches up to Devon as he tries to sneak away from the funeral. She tells him she remembers him running away after the earthquake, but he denies it and insists he saved her. Liz still can’t remember who actually pulled her away from the fire, but she knows it wasn’t him. Other people are leaving the service and there’s now a crowd gathered around Liz and Devon. Ken overhears what they’re talking about and says he saw with his own eyes that some guy he didn’t recognize pulled Enid and Liz away, not Devon. Devon finally admits he lied. He leaves the funeral and thinks it’s about time to get out of Sweet Valley.

Liz and Todd talk that night. They haven’t been able to stop thinking about each other, but Todd is still too hurt to forgive and forget. They decide to take the summer away from each other and see where they stand afterward.

If Ronnie Edwards had a funeral, I didn’t hear about it and nobody attended. Aw, poor Ronnie.

Quotes:

With a big sigh, Lila gave up. She simply hadn’t had enough practice being kind and warm to make a difference in Jessica’s black mood. She wasn’t Elizabeth Wakefield, giving out advice at every opportunity.

And we are forever grateful.

Maybe this walk will help her snap out of it, Elizabeth hoped.

Jessica is feeling suicidal because a little girl died right in front of her, but a walk on the beach is sure to fix things. I think Liz is overestimating the powers of the ocean just a little.

“Enid didn’t know she was going to be on television,” she told Lila.

“There’s no excuse for a dress that bad,” Lila replied.

I love that Lila’s vow to stop being such a snob does not stop her from making fun of Enid’s ugly clothes.

[Ken is] a great friend, Elizabeth thought. No wonder I had that crush on him for a while.

I think you mean, No wonder I cheated on my boyfriend with him and then jealously tried to keep him away from my sister for a while.

The Cover: Where did all these pictures come from? I recognize the ones that are book covers, but what are the rest of them? Are they from the TV show?

Read part one of this miniseries here.

Synopsis:

Despite this being the penultimate book in the series, not a lot actually happens and it only seems to span about an hour of Sweet Valley time. If this were a television show, Earthquake would be a clip episode, with the current action only taking up five to ten minutes and the rest being flashbacks to episodes past.

On the streets of Sweet Valley: Jessica and Steve are both okay, but the Jeep is wrapped around a telephone pole. After administering some first aid to each other, they manage to get on the road, but then have a fight about whether they should go to the gas station to get Billie or go home to Liz. They settle on going for Billie, and once they have her, she and Steve send Jessica on home while they walk up the street to see if they can find Ned and Alice, who went to the movies earlier. Jessica wants nothing more than to get back to Liz because she’s got that freaky twin psychic thing going on and knows Liz is in danger, but on her way home she stops to help a twelve-year-old girl who’s about to fall into a crevasse in the road. Despite her best efforts, the girl falls and Jessica blames herself for her death.

In the Wakefields’ kitchen: Annie has a broken arm, but she, white Maria and Winston are okay. The refrigerator is pinning Olivia’s arm to the floor and Ken is trying to get it off her. Winston and the girls tell him they’ll go for help. Just after they go outside, an aftershock fucks up the house even more and their path back inside is blocked. Olivia is calm and numb. She knows the house is on fire and there’s no way anyone will be able to free her before it gets to her. She tells Ken to go for help, and after a passionate argument, he agrees and starts trying to dig his way out of the house.

In the bathroom: Lila and Todd are trapped because the doorframe has buckled around the door. They spend most of the book bickering, but when Lila realizes there’s a fire, she has flashbacks to John Pfeifer trying to burn her house down. Todd can’t think of any way out.

In the back yard: Ronnie Edwards is dead, smashed by a tree. Most people who are conscious are getting the hell out of dodge. Liz can’t find anyone who will help her save Enid, who is lying in a pool of water right next to some exposed wires. Devon is sitting moodily on the patio refusing to help anyone and Liz spends way too much time trying to convince him to help her. She finally goes to help Enid alone, but falls into the pool. Then, just to make sure the book lasts the requisite 230 pages, a rattlesnake tries to attack her and she beats it away with a piece of crown molding floating nearby. Then she gets out of the pool and goes to Enid, who is uncomfortably close to the raging fire. She starts dragging Enid and almost manages to get away, but then a writhing wire touches her leg. She and Enid slump to the ground, and Liz passes out.

In the end, the cavalry arrives in the form of an EMT team. They get Liz, Enid, Todd and Lila to safety, but are too late to help Olivia.

Quotes:

In the midst of a full-blown disaster – with the house apparently self-destructing around them – Lila was calmly filing her nails.

Duh, Todd. She needs to look good for the rescue team.

The Cover: I guess this ugly piece of crap cover fits in with the “clip show” style of the book. Except…who’s that guy in the bottom left corner? I have never seen that guy before.

The Moral of the Story: If your birthday party is too awesome, the universe will retaliate with an earthquake.

The Big Deal: Birthday party for the twins

Synopsis:

The school year is about to end. For real this time. The twins’ seventeenth birthday is on June 13, and Liz wants to plan a surprise party for Jessica. She decides to rent the Beach Disco for the night. At the same time, Jessica is trying to plan a party for Liz. She decides on an elegant dinner party on the beach. So while Liz is spending her life savings on a deposit and guaranteeing the Beach Disco guys at least a hundred guests, Jessica is borrowing money from Steve to hire a jazz quartet for the beach party. Way to go, twins. When Lila and Amy find out there are going to be two parties, they get Enid and black Maria involved in some kind of scheme, the details of which are being withheld from me in an attempt to create suspense.

As for the rest of Sweet Valley: White Maria breaks up with Winston because he blabs that she sleeps with a teddy bear, Ken breaks up with Olivia because she paints a nude portrait of him and insists on entering it in a school art show, Bruce has been telling everyone he’s going to Harvard next year but hasn’t actually gotten an acceptance letter yet, and Todd and Devon are both moping around pretending they’re over Liz.

Whatever Lila’s plan is, she’s calling it The Plan and it seems to involve everyone bailing on the twins and not helping them plan their respective parties. When Friday the thirteenth rolls around, the twins wake up early and have breakfast with Steve and Billie before school. After school, Jessica and Lila go to the beach and start trying to set up their rented tent, but a couple of beach patrol guys come along and tell them they can’t have a party without a permit. At the same time, Liz and Enid go to the Beach Disco to set up, but the manager tells them he has no record of a Wakefield party. Both twins are devastated, and Lila and Enid take them home. They arrive at the same time, and when they go inside they find a surprise party waiting for them. Hooray! But wait, I still have seventy pages left, so I guess some more drama has to happen.

At the party: The twins get a brand new Jeep. Bruce announces to everyone that he’s turned Harvard down so he can attend Sweet Valley University. Winston and white Maria make up. Ken and Olivia make up. Billie leaves in Steve’s car to get ice, but the car dies. Steve and Jessica take the new Jeep to go get her. Todd drops by to tell Liz that he’ll be spending the summer at a basketball camp and he thinks they shouldn’t try to contact each other during that time. Then he tries to go to the bathroom, but Lila’s taking too long doing her makeup. Todd opens the door and gets ready to throw her out. Devon saw Liz and Todd talking together and it pissed him off, so he picks a fight with Liz. Ken, Olivia, Annie and white Maria are hanging out in the kitchen.

Then there’s an earthquake.

Olivia is crushed by a beam falling from the kitchen ceiling. I’m pretty sure she’s dead. Then the whole Wakefield house pretty much falls to the ground. Out on the road, Jessica crashes the Jeep and hits the windshield. And that’s where the book ends.

Quotes:

“After holding the preprom party and the postprom brunch here, my parents have put me on party probation.”

My goodness, that’s a lot of alliteration. Try saying “postprom brunch” five times fast. And hey, since when do Lila’s parents care how many parties she throws?

Ken Matthews…watched Bruce Patman pull his monogrammed pool cue from the stand. The engraved brass plaque on the handle read 1BRUCE1, the same as the custom license plates on Bruce’s black Porsche.

I love that his pool cue says 1BRUCE1. That is fabulous.

“It’s more than a chance to show my work!” Olivia explained. “What’s at stake is my integrity as an artist. I can’t let anyone else’s notions of propriety compromise my artistic vision!”

1. You are a sixteen-year-old high school kid who likes to paint. You don’t have artistic integrity. 2. There must be some kind of rules about showing another sixteen-year-old’s naked likeness in a school art show.

“I’ve been hoping you’d come to your senses and apologize.”

It seems like Ken’s always saying shit like this and then getting all surprised when whatever chick he’s talking to gets pissed off.

The Cover: This cover is lame. Why are the twins black and white while their cake is in the foreground looking all creepily festive? And what’s with the back cover picture?

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: A week of starving in the woods will help you figure your whole life out.

The Big Deal: Barbecue at Secca Lake

Synopsis:

Liz is super pissed at Todd and Devon. She’s completely overreacting, pacing around and crying just because a couple of punches were thrown. Whatever. You cheated on one with the other and got them fighting over you and now you’re complaining? Bitch, please. Liz decides she needs to do something to prove her independence from guys. Enid tells her about some Project Adventure camping trip and Liz convinces her parents to let her take a week off of school to do it. She’ll be learning to survive in the woods on nothing but a pocket knife and her wits. Sounds awful.

Jessica can’t believe Liz actually wants to do this instead of help her plan the barbecue she’s decided to throw at Secca Lake. Liz doesn’t want to help Jessica because she’s so mad at her, but for some reason she ends up agreeing to write the text for the invitations before she leaves for her stupid camping trip. Meanwhile, both Devon and Todd are totally depressed that Liz won’t speak to them. Todd can’t stop thinking about her and Devon actually considers drowning himself in the ocean. Guys, she ain’t that hot.

Todd takes up mountain biking with that hippie Keith Wagner, and pretty soon he has all the guys doing it. They bail on their dates, lie to their girlfriends and high-five each other while they talk about what a natural high mountain biking is. I’m suddenly wondering if “mountain biking” is code for something else entirely. Todd loves “mountain biking” so much that all his anxieties about Liz start to disappear and he actually brings himself to invite Devon to join the fun. Devon’s much too cool for that and rolls his eyes as he turns Todd down. The guys are all eating at Guido’s one night after a bike trip when someone mentions Liz’s Project Adventure trip. Todd, who thought Liz was just avoiding him, can’t believe she’s out in the woods. He starts to run out the door to “rescue” her, but Aaron talks some sense into him. When Devon finds out what Liz is doing this week, it for some reason depresses him so much that he decides he should just leave town.

Jessica and the other girls are fed up with the boys ditching them every day. They follow them after school one day to the Great Mountain National Reserve and see them all get on their bicycles. By an amazing coincidence, Devon has chosen this day to leave town. He’s packed up his saddlebags and is taking one last ride through town on his motorcycle. He ends up at the Great Mountain National Reserve. Todd sees him and asks again if he wants to join the ride. Bruce has an extra bike, so Devon borrows it and off they go.

Meanwhile, Liz is in the woods on the last evening of her big nature adventure when she sees Todd and Devon fly by on bicycles. She thinks it’s a hallucination because she’s so hungry. Then Jessica, Lila, Amy and white Maria show up and start talking to her. Jessica has to pinch Liz to convince her she’s not having visions. They try to convince her to come with them to the Dairi Burger, but now that Liz has seen Devon and Todd hanging out together, she feels like she can face the night alone. Or something. She goes home the next day feeling all good about herself.

Devon and Todd have agreed they both need to stay away from Liz so she can make up her mind about them. Then both of them decide they need to see her anyway. Before the party on Saturday, Todd goes over to Liz’s and they have a nice chat and agree that no matter what happens, they’ll always be friends. Hooray for them not getting back together! Then Liz freaks out because she forgot to go pick up some deli trays for the party and the deli closes in half an hour. Todd offers to do it and Liz tells him to take the Jeep and she’ll drive his car to the party. Todd and Devon meet in the driveway and yell at each other for a few minutes. Devon starts getting all emo again as he knocks on the door. Liz lets him in, but the phone rings immediately. It’s Jessica, telling Liz the brakes are out on the Jeep and she should take Alice’s station wagon.

Liz freaks out and tells Devon that Todd is in her death trap of a car and she needs to go save him. She starts to get into the station wagon, but Devon convinces her his motorcycle will be faster. Liz agrees. I don’t get it. When you find Todd, where are you going to put him? Furthermore, weren’t you in a motorcycle crash a while back? Whatever. They catch up to Todd just in time to see him crash the Jeep through a guard rail. Now the Jeep is perched precariously on the edge of a cliff. How many times can this really happen to one person?

Devon pulls Todd out of the Jeep just before it goes over the side of the cliff. Bye-bye Jeep. Todd is unconscious, and a nice lady passing by calls an ambulance. Everyone rushes to the hospital. Jessica and her friends go back to the party as soon as they find out Todd’s going to live, but Liz and Devon stay. The nurse says Liz can go in, and she’s so happy he’s not going to die that she almost goes in there and tells him he’s the one she wants to be with. Then, thank goodness, she stops and thinks. She realizes she wants to try being single for a while.

I think Liz and Todd have really broken up this time! Hooray!

Quotes:

Jessica crossed her arms behind her head and sank deeper into the couch. You’re awesome, Jess, she told herself, simply amazing.

Jessica tells herself this after she comes up with the incredible idea of throwing a party. I’m not sure if that actually qualifies her as amazing.

“What?” he yelled. “That’s out in the middle of nowhere! She won’t be able to handle it!” He pulled some money out of his pocket and threw it on the table.

“Where are you going?” Bruce demanded.

“To rescue Liz,” Todd shot back, starting for the door.

What a drama queen.

Once the bikes were off the cars, Todd and his group started walking them toward the mountains. Devon hesitated a moment, but he was really curious to see what they were up to.

Um, I think they’re gonna ride bikes.

The Cover: This never happens! Which guy is that supposed to be, anyway?

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: If you don’t press charges against a rapist, he’ll blow up your school. *

The Big Deal: Big football game

Synopsis:

Devon Whitelaw is at some crappy motel when he gets a letter from his old nanny, whose name is Nan. She wants him to stay with her in Sweet Valley, California. Devon travels that way and demands to know why Nan hasn’t contacted him in all the years since she quit working for the Whitelaws. It turns out Devon’s parents returned all Nan’s letters to her for no reason I can figure. Nan clearly cares about him, so Devon decides to stay in Sweet Valley. He goes out to explore the town and notices there’s a football game at the high school. He sees a beautiful blond girl with a heart-shaped face and instantly falls in love. Sigh.

Steve posts bail for Lila and it gets him in trouble at work. The twins can’t believe Steve would give up his whole career for Lila and they think the whole sick relationship needs to end. So, while Lila’s going through all the trauma of having her house burn down and being accused of setting the fire, the twins decide to play a trick on her. Bitches. They write Lila a letter from Steve, outlining the wonderful life they’re going to have, family barbecues, tons of kids, simple pleasures the whole way. Lila gets pissed and wonders just what luxuries Steve thinks she’s going to give up.

The next time Steve goes to work, the D.A. fires him. He starts clearing out his desk and finds a picture of Billie. It makes him all teary-eyed. Then he goes to the evidence room to take one last look at the Fowler case. He finds a fragment of the bomb from the restaurant. There’s a piece of a soda can, ProSport lemon, which is the kind of soda John Pfeifer had on his desk at the Oracle office.

Lila and Steve haven’t broken up yet, so Liz decides to write another letter. When Steve reads it, he can’t believe Lila cares so much about having dinner parties and introducing him to the right people. Blah, blah, blah. Who cares? Lila and Steve spend a few days apart, but the twins aren’t satisfied because what if they decide they miss each other? They decide the best thing to do is get them together while they’re still upset about the letters. There’s a big football game coming up and they figure that will be the perfect time.

At the game, Jessica tells Lila that Steve wants to see her, and Liz tells Steve that Lila wants to see him. They meet inside the school and break up amicably, but then Lila mentions Steve’s letter. Confusion follows and they realize the twins set them up. They think it would be funny to go back to the game all lovey-dovey and trick the twins, but on their way there, they see John Pfeifer hiding in some bushes.

John runs away, and Lila and Steve follow him around to the front of the gym. John has gone completely off the deep end. He gives an Evil Villain speech and talks about how he burned down Fowler Crest because he hates Lila for turning him into an outcast. Then he lights the fuse and the gym explodes. Somehow, Lila and Steve are okay, but John dies.

Whoa.

The next morning, Steve’s making breakfast when the D.A. shows up at the front door and offers to give Steve his job back. The twins start jumping up and down and Jessica kisses the D.A. on the cheek, which kind of cracks me up. Then Lila, who spent the night because her parents are STILL out of town, comes downstairs and asks what the commotion is all about. Steve winks at her and tells her the good news, and then he and Lila tell the twins they’re engaged. They get a good laugh out of the looks on the twins’ faces. Steve drives Lila home, and her parents FINALLY show up and tell her how sorry they are and that they’ll never again go someplace where Lila can’t get in touch with them. So I guess that’s resolved.

Quotes:

When Lila had officially been booked, a female officer with frizzy red hair guided her toward the holding cell.

Just so you know, all the cops are ugly. That’s how we know we’re supposed to hate them.

He couldn’t imagine actually fitting in – a cold climate East Coaster in this mellow, warm place.

Oh, don’t worry about that, Devon. Almost all our new students are from the east coast!

The Cover: Is that how the preppy people dressed in January of 1998? I wouldn’t know, I was too busy wearing my crappy Nirvana shirts and holey jeans ‘cause I was just that awesome.

*I’m kidding. But seriously, please press charges if you ever find yourself in this kind of situation.

The Moral of the Story: If you have matches, you’re probably an arsonist.

The Big Deal: A big fire

Synopsis:

Lila is heartbroken because Bo has broken up with her. It was too hard to maintain such a long distance relationship. Lila takes all his love letters and burns them in the fireplace. She falls asleep, and when she wakes up the house is on fire. She tries to escape, but passes out instead. Meanwhile, the twins are at home preparing a big welcome for Steve, who’s coming home for a semester while he interns at the D.A.’s office. He’s also all heartbroken because Billie broke up with him for not including her in his decision to go to Sweet Valley. Whatever.

Somebody calls the Wakefields to tell them Lila’s in the hospital and her parents can’t be reached. At the hospital, Lila says her parents are vacationing on a remote island that doesn’t even have a phone. Yeah, they just needed a break. They’re such great parents. Steve goes off to his first day of work the next day and is shocked when the D.A. tells him the Fowler fire was arson and Lila is the prime suspect.

When Lila gets out of the hospital, she insists on sleeping in the pool house, turning down Jessica’s offer of a place to stay. Jessica is worried that the arsonist will come back for Lila, so she asks for Steve’s help. Steve goes over to Fowler Crest and tells Lila he’s investigating the case and is going to find out who did it. After Lila explains that she was burning Bo’s letters, she and Steve bond over their recent breakups. Suddenly, they each notice how attractive the other is. Steve goes back to the D.A. and says he really doesn’t think Lila’s guilty, but then gets all shocked and confused when the D.A. says they found an empty gas can in Lila’s car. Umm. If I had a gas can, that’s where I’d keep it, right? That way, if I run out of gas, I can take my gas can and walk to a gas station. Right?

Steve calls Lila to tell her about this new development and she insists on taking him out to dinner. This causes like five pages of Liz worrying because Steve told her he’d watch a movie with her and Todd. Shut up, Liz. Lila dismisses the gas can thing immediately, saying the chauffeur probably left it there. Steve worries through the entire dinner about his feelings for Lila. As they’re leaving the restaurant, Steve is horrified when Lila takes a book of matches as a souvenir. Now he thinks she might be a pyromaniac. Lila comes over to the house one night and Steve starts yelling at her to tell the truth about the fire. She gets pissed and starts to walk out the door, but they somehow end up making out. Jessica and Liz see them and are totally scandalized.

While all this is going on, there’s some sixteen-year-old guy named Devon Whitelaw coming to town. He’s lived in Connecticut his whole life with his rich parents, but they died recently in a car crash. Don’t worry, Devon’s not too broken up about it because they were very Fowlery and weren’t around very much. Devon has to find a guardian if he wants his multi-million dollar inheritance. He’s always hated his life in Connecticut, so he decides to head out west. He stops at an aunt and uncle’s house in Ohio and they offer him a home, but it becomes clear to Devon that they’re really after his money. He leaves Ohio to go try out an uncle in Las Vegas.

Quotes:

“We could invite everyone and have a live band, like the Droids.”

What do you mean “like” the Droids? Are there any other bands in town?

Sweet Valley’s main hospital was named after Lila’s great-uncle, so Lila was sure to get special treatment.

I didn’t think Lila had any great-uncles worth naming a hospital after.

“Oh, it’s just a little souvenir,” Lila responded lightly. “I always take matches from restaurants.”

Steven absorbed the information with alarm. Lila loved candlelight, and she collected matches…Is she a pyromaniac? Steven wondered.

Steven is an idiot. This thought process amazes me.

The Cover: This cover is horrible. Jessica looks less like she’s upset and more like she’s choking. Steve looks like he’s asleep. Even when he’s a real person, he looks like a robot. I hate Lila’s outfit.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Everything is Elizabeth’s fault.

The Big Deal: Rumble at Bruce’s house, surfing competition

Synopsis:

Well, the cops have come and arrested Bruce and Todd for their jackassery and Liz is feeling a little guilty. Lila has spread out her Persian rug on the hood of her car, and she and Amy are hanging out watching the excitement. They tell Liz they saw Jessica get into a blue VW bus and leave. Liz, Enid and Maria take Winston to the hospital, where a bunch of other SVH guys treat him like a hero and make the girls sick. Then Liz goes home and stays up All Night Long waiting for Jessica to come home from her date with Christian. I guess Jessica staying out all night is no longer something to name a book after. Jessica tells Liz she’s been seeing Christian, and Liz freaks out about Jessica going out with a gang leader. And here I thought he was just a high school bully. Now he’s a gang leader. Please.

At school on Monday, Todd won’t talk to Liz and Ken goes ahead and confirms that he and Jessica are no longer a couple. I guess we’re supposed to feel sorry for the twins. Then at lunch, the boys and the girls have some words. Liz gets up and announces that the girls won’t have anything to do with the guys until the stupid war is over. All the girls go along with it and the boys are dismayed. They think it sucks that the girls just can’t understand what it’s like to be a man. Bruce says something really mean to Jessica and she goes outside to cry. Then Christian comes along like a knight in a shining VW bus and they go off to surf their cares away.

Liz, Enid and Olivia go to Palisades High to talk to Caitlin and Marla. Some big, butch gang member’s girlfriend named Rosie Shaw (a.k.a. Jessica’s opponent in the upcoming surfing competition) comes up to Liz and says she wants to talk in private. Rosie charms the pants off Liz (figuratively speaking) and tells her she’s going to try to come up with a dynamite plan to end the war. Liz immediately trusts this girl that even her friends seem to dislike, and for some horrible reason tells Rosie about Jessica and Christian. Rosie calls Liz that night and tells her to meet her the next day at a crappy diner near Palisades High. She’s come up with a plan that is simply too diabolical to be uttered over the phone.

Liz skips her afternoon classes the next day and drives to the Silverhead Diner, where Rosie lays it all out: Liz needs to find out where the SVH guys will be hanging out that night, then Rosie and Liz will go to each group of guys, one at a time, and tell them each that the other side wants to surrender. Liz is in complete awe of this plan and later sweet talks Todd into telling her the guys will be hanging out in Bruce’s basement. She calls Rosie and has absolutely no suspicions when Rosie wants detailed directions to Bruce’s house and asks whether or not the Patmans have guard dogs or anything. Rosie tells Liz to meet her at the Silverhead Diner at nine o’clock and they’ll go from there. To absolutely nobody’s surprise (except Liz’s), Rosie doesn’t show up. Liz finally figures out Rosie has set up a trap. She calls Jessica to warn her and apologize for trusting Rosie and telling her about Christian. She and Enid pick up Jessica and head over to Bruce’s house.

Todd is at Bruce’s trying to persuade the guys to end the war when someone starts yelling outside. They all run out and find Rosie Shaw. She tells Todd how stupid his girlfriend is. Then the Palisades guys, their faces painted in “grotesque designs,” start running around Bruce’s yard. Then everyone gets all quiet and Todd is terrified to see one of the Palisades guys has brass knuckles.

The guys trade insults for a while, and then Christian comes driving up in his awesome VW bus. He wants to know which one of his former friends left him the note that said to go to Bruce’s house or “kiss the cheerleader goodbye.” The girls show up just as the fighting starts. Christian falls and cracks his head on the ground and then falls into the pool.

Sweet Valley turns into Melodrama City. Jessica dives into the pool and brings Christian up. She and Liz administer CPR while Enid calls 911. The ambulance comes and takes Christian away. Suddenly, everyone is friends. Todd holds Liz’s hand while PH guys pile into SVH guys’ cars and everyone rushes off to the hospital. After a while, a doctor comes out and says Christian has died. Jessica sinks to the floor screaming, “No!” Rosie Shaw weeps on Winston’s shoulder. Aaron Dallas and some Palisades guy named Doug console each other. Nothing like a dead teenager to bring folks together.

Christian’s mother comes over after a couple weeks and gives Jessica Christian’s surfboard. Jessica uses it to win the freaking surf competition.

Quotes:

Elizabeth had known Bruce since childhood. He did have a hot temper and a reckless side, but it shocked her to see him treated like a dangerous criminal.

He is a dangerous criminal. But Liz, I’m done trying to remind you of the time he tried to rape you (remember that?).

Jessica: I never planned to fall in love with Christian. It just happened.

Ken: Oh, sure. And your mouth just happened to become fused with his as you were walking into the restaurant…Tell me something, Jessica…does that sort of thing just happen to you often?

Jessica: It really does! I just can’t explain it!

It didn’t matter how different they were; when times got tough, the Wakefield twins stuck together.

LOLOLOL

Pamela and Bruce had been dating on and off for some time and had recently gotten back together.

So that’s where she’s been.

The Cover: Ew, remember the nineties when everyone wore those horrible flannel hoodie things that Ken has on? And bright yellow sweaters were all the rage? And faceless crowds stood in shadows behind you everywhere you went?

The Moral of the Story: On no account should boys be allowed to hang out by themselves.

The Big Deal: SVH/Palisades football game, masquerade ball

Synopsis:

At what is apparently the most important football game of all time, Liz and Enid meet two girls from Palisades High. Marla and Caitlin work on the Palisades newspaper, so the four girls immediately become friends. They all lament that there’s nothing for their papers to write about and decide to make their own news. After talking for a while, they decide the two schools should hold a fundraiser dance. They’ll make it a competition: the school that sells the most tickets can donate all the proceeds to the charity of its choice. None of the girls notice that the Palisades Pumas are playing dirty on the field and really banging up the SVH players.

Sweet Valley loses the game and Ken is all emo and pissy about it. He’s hanging out with Todd and Aaron in the parking lot afterward when a couple Pumas come up and punch him in the stomach. Ken tries to fight back, but Todd and Aaron restrain him and drag him to Todd’s car. After that, the guys start having GNOs (Guys’ Night Out). Egged on by Bruce, they start to get all crazed about getting revenge on Palisades High. They get a bunch of paint and write on the Palisades football field, “Palisades Pumas Purr Like Kittens.” Oh, Bruce. You almost got it right, but you’re off by just one word. In retaliation, the Palisades guys egg cars and TP houses. Blah, blah, everyone hates each other. The funniest part about this whole thing is that the SVH guys are suddenly walking around wearing jean jackets and sunglasses all the time. They’ve all been brainwashed, including Ken and Todd. Liz isn’t happy and wants to cancel the dance. Jessica doesn’t really care what’s going on because she’s all wrapped up in her latest infidelity.

There’s a surfing competition coming up and the grand prize is a trip to Hawaii. Jessica is determined to win even though she can’t surf. She wakes up early one morning to go to the beach and teach herself the basics. That’s where she meets Christian Gorman, the most gorgeous man she’s ever seen and a champion surfer. Over the next week, Christian teaches Jessica to surf and they fall in love. They decide they don’t want to know too much about each other, so neither of them even knows where the other goes to school. Jessica sort of feels bad about the fact that Ken’s going through a thing and she’s not there for him, so she gives a half-assed attempt at talking to him about the Palisades thing. He tells her there’s going to be trouble at the upcoming dance. Jessica says maybe they should just cancel it, but Ken says the guys will all show up anyway. Jessica tells Liz canceling the dance would be a bad idea because at least if there are other people around, maybe the guys won’t get too crazy.

Liz and Olivia get together with Marla and Caitlin and decide each school should do an edition of their paper dedicated to the other school. Liz and Olivia go to Palisades High to interview some students, but nobody will talk to them, partly because Liz is wearing an SVH sweatshirt. Even after she turns it inside out, though, nobody wants anything to do with her. When Liz and Olivia get back to SVH, they find Marla and Caitlin have had similar luck. Liz writes her feature article about Palisades High’s past record in sports and shit, which is really boring but at least it’s not inflammatory. Then John Pfeifer decides he just has to put in the stuff about the Palisades guys playing dirty on the football field. There’s also a bit about Tom McKay getting hit in the head with a tennis ball (*must resist urge to make a Clueless reference about Tom and balls flying at his face*). After reading John’s articles, the guys at SVH are even angrier than before.

The dance is being held at an old warehouse on Phantom Lane, halfway between Palisades and Sweet Valley. ‘Cause that’s not creepy or anything. As soon as the dance starts, all the guys disappear. Jessica goes outside to find them and walks right into a rumble. Ken is on the ground covered in blood. Jessica looks up at his attacker and is shocked to see Christian. Jessica slumps to the ground, and “Then nothing. Blackness.” So I guess she passes out or something.

To be continued.

Quotes:

Using her mouse, she clicked open her dance file.

Reading about people in the early to mid nineties using computers never fails to make me giggle.

They must have used a dozen roles [sic] of toilet paper, Ken thought. What a waste. Don’t they know anything about conservation?

Yes, that’s Ken’s mental comeback to having toilet paper thrown all over his house. Conservation.

Elizabeth turned angrily, shaking off the hand. It was Bruce and he was scowling. Aaron and Ronnie were standing by his side. They were all wearing their jean jackets and dark glasses.

I guess that’s how you know when a guy has been brainwashed into Bruce’s club. He gets himself a jean jacket and a pair of sunglasses.

The Cover: Ooh, look at those bad boys in that parking lot with that rebellious knocked over trashcan. Aw, but look at Christian and Jessica falling in love. How sweet.