Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The moral of the story: Beauty pageants are outdated and sexist, but winning one means a really cute college guy will ask you out.

The Big Deal: Miss Teen Sweet Valley beauty pageant

Synopsis:

So, hey, guess what? Jessica is bored with high school guys and wants a college man. Steve had a few of his college buddies over recently and Jessica can’t figure out why one of them, Frazer McConnell, didn’t fall in love with her. She wants him to notice her, and this is her motivation for entering the Miss Teen Sweet Valley pageant. She doesn’t tell anyone she plans on entering because she doesn’t want to scare away the competition. Liz and Enid are totally against the pageant because they think it’s sexist. Liz decides to organize a protest committee.

Jessica announces to her family that she’s entered the pageant. Liz can’t believe it and says she’s going to get the pageant called off. She and her protest committee start a petition and go to the mall to get people to sign it. Amy sees them and tells Liz she should just not go to the pageant if she hates it so much. Sound advice, Amy, but we all know Liz can’t just sit by and not interfere. Liz writes an article for The Oracle, and it gets picked up by the Sweet Valley News (of course it does). Liz and Jessica are already on the outs and the article makes things worse. A local television station loved Liz’s article, and they noticed Jessica’s name on the list of entrants so they want to do an interview with them. At the interview, Liz comes off as brilliant and collected, while Jessica kind of panics and just keeps saying the same thing over and over.

Jessica gets home one day and finds Frazer and Steve hanging out with Cara and her cousin Barbara. She goes upstairs, frustrated that Frazer isn’t interested in her, and ends up having an argument with Liz. Liz is all condescending and asks why the pageant is so important to Jessica. And of course Jessica doesn’t have a good answer because for all her “pageant winners go on to do great things” rhetoric, she really only entered for the fame, the prizes and, most of all, Frazer.

Liz finds a loophole and thinks she can stop the pageant. The people holding the pageant were supposed to have gotten written consent from the school superintendent, but he’s been in the Soviet Union “meeting with Soviet educators,” so he couldn’t have approved it. Liz announces this at dinner and Jessica freaks out. She’s been taking dance lessons to prepare for the talent contest, but has been keeping it a secret from everyone. After Liz’s announcement, Jessica tells her how hard she’s been working, and Liz finally realizes how important the pageant is to Jessica and decides not to stop it, though she’s adamant about not going to see it.

Liz inevitably changes her mind and goes to watch Jessica in the pageant. When Jessica trips and falls during her dance routine, Liz goes backstage and tries to convince Jessica to keep going. Jessica refuses and runs off, so Liz finds Jessica’s bag and puts on her swimsuit. After doing the swimsuit competition, Liz goes backstage and finds Jessica, who is much happier now that Liz has compromised her principles and degraded herself onstage. She finishes the pageant for herself.

Jessica wins (did you ever have any doubt?). She realizes the other girls did really well, too, and worries that she only won because she’s the prettiest. She’s disappointed that the crown is a cheap tiara and that Frazer still doesn’t pay attention to her. Then she finds out the prizes are nowhere near as awesome as she’d been led to believe and she wants to cry. But Frazer comes by the house the next day and asks her out, so I guess everything is okay.

Quotes:

If she had anything to say about it, the pageant would be called off and the dignity of Sweet Valley womanhood would be preserved.

Oh, take the stick out of your ass, Liz.

The truth was, no one seemed to care as much about the beauty pageant issue as she did.

What does that tell you, Liz?

The Cover: Ooh, Liz has her bitchface on, complete with matching shirt and barrettes. Jessica looks smug, even though I think she probably could have done something a little different with her hair for the pageant. She wears it like that every single day of her life.

The moral of the story: If your whole family is fighting, they’ll probably all make up if you run away from home.

The Big Deal: Costume party

Synopsis:

Before we were so rudely interrupted by Bruce’s sad excuse for a story, Ned and Alice Wakefield were in the middle of splitting up and Jessica was spending all her free time talking to a guy named Charlie, who she met on a teen party line. Ned had just decided to run for mayor of Sweet Valley. This book opens with Ned moving out of the Wakefields’ lovely split-level home and into a crappy apartment that makes Liz want to cry. Liz wants to cry a lot of the time, actually, because she’s determined to blame herself for her parents’ breakup.

Alice gets the phone bill and Jessica has to tell her it’s so high because of the party line she’s been calling. Alice tells her she’s suspending Jessica’s allowance and making her get a part-time job to pay off the bill. Jessica thinks that’s unfair, so she complains to daddy and he offers to talk to Alice about softening the punishment. At school, Amy and Lila are hounding Jessica about Charlie and making fun of her for having a boyfriend she’s never even met, so Jessica tells them she and Charlie are going roller-skating on Saturday. This is a great big lie, and Jessica decides that she’ll have to convince Charlie to go roller-skating with her, and if he comes up with another excuse not to meet her, she’ll tell him it’s all over between them. Luckily (I guess) for Charlie, he agrees to meet her at three o’clock on Saturday at the roller rink, and he’ll be carrying a red rose.

Liz does poorly on an English paper and wants to tell Mr. Collins what’s going on, but doesn’t feel like talking about it. Then she goes for a bike ride and ends up staring at her father’s apartment building for twenty minutes. When she gets home, there are two messages from Todd on the answering machine. Liz forgot she was supposed to go shopping with him to help him pick out a birthday present for his mother. Liz apologizes and says she wants to stay home with her mom. Todd tells her to remember he needs some attention sometimes, too. What an incredible jackass. So now Liz is feeling guilty about that. After school on Friday, Todd tells Liz he got tickets to some show and wants to take her out that night. She tells him she wants to be with her mother and he gets all disappointed and tells her it seems like she doesn’t want to be around him anymore. She kind of says, “Yeah, you’re right.” She breaks up with him because she’s so disillusioned about relationships and she’s sure she and Todd would break up sooner or later anyway. She’s also feeling like such a screw-up lately that she figures Todd is better off without her.

Ned calls for Alice and they have a fight about Jessica, then Alice yells at Jessica for going behind her back to Ned. A few days later, Jessica asks Lila if she can borrow some money to buy a new outfit for her date with Charlie. Lila says no, but tells Jessica how to play her father for money and gifts now that he’s probably feeling all guilty about the separation. So daddy buys her a suede vest and “western-looking” jeans and she goes off to the roller rink. Amy tags along just to make sure Charlie is real. There’s a guy with a red rose who introduces himself as Charlie, but Jessica thinks his voice is different than it sounds on the phone, and he acts all stiff and weird. Then Charlie calls her later that night to tell her what a great time he had and Jessica assumes he’s just bad at first dates. They have dinner on Wednesday, and Jessica tells him afterward that she doesn’t want to see him again, though she’d still like to be friends and talk to him on the phone. One day, she calls the party line again and talks to one of her phone friends, Sara. Sara tells Jessica that the guy she met wasn’t really Charlie. The real Charlie doesn’t think he’s good-looking enough for Jessica, so he got a friend of his to pretend to be him.

After a conversation with Jessica, Liz decides breaking up with Todd was a good idea, and she’s going to play the field from now on. She goes to school on Monday wearing one of Jessica’s miniskirts and by lunchtime she has a date with Paul Jeffries, who is apparently a womanizer, at least according to Enid. On Tuesday, she goes out with a different guy. Jessica starts to get annoyed that Liz is getting so much attention from the guys at school. She picks a fight with her after school one day and Steve gets involved. The whole thing escalates until Jessica says their parents’ breakup is all Liz’s fault because Liz gave Alice’s assistant the phone number at their cabin in Tahoe.

Liz tells Enid she’s going to run away from home. She figures either her grandparents in Michigan or her aunt and uncle in Texas will take her in. Enid tells her she’s crazy and offers to let her stay at her house. Liz agrees and writes a letter explaining that she’s staying with “a friend.” She and Enid deliver the letters to Ned and Alice. When Ned gets his, he goes to the Wakefields’ house and everyone is all frantic about where Liz could be. Enid’s phone is busy all night and nobody else has seen her. The next morning, Liz feels much better after a whole night of relaxation. She puts Enid’s phone back on the hook and waits for her mom to call. Alice comes to pick her up and the whole family sits down to talk. Liz finally gets it through her thick skull that she’s not to blame for her parents’ breakup.

Things are almost back to normal, or at least on their way to normal (I can’t tell if Ned’s moved back home or not), but Jessica wants Liz and Todd to get back together. She enlists Steve to help her. On Sunday afternoon, Jessica gets a look at what Liz is wearing and then dresses the same way. She calls Todd and tells him to meet her at Secca Lake to talk. At the lake, she tells him she wants to get back together. He says he loves her and wants that, too. Liz hears the whole thing because Steve made her take a walk with him to a spot where they could eavesdrop. Jessica pretends she needs something from her car and gets up, letting Liz take over from there.

There’s a costume party at school and Jessica is all pissed that she doesn’t have a date. She knows Amy doesn’t have a date, either, so she decides that she’ll take Fake Charlie and Amy can take Real Charlie to the party. She calls Charlie up and tells him she knows the truth and somehow manages to convince him to go to the party. Brook (Fake Charlie) is as boring as ever and is dressed as a golfer. Charlie is a pirate, Jessica is an “intergalactic princess,” and Amy is a cheerleader. That’s right, she just wears her cheerleading uniform. Jessica expects Charlie and Brook to be fighting over her all night, but it doesn’t happen and it makes her furious. (Setup for the next book:) She decides she’s going to help her father win the race for mayor so all her “friends” will be jealous when she’s the daughter of such an important person.

Quotes:

“But I need your help choosing a birthday present for my mom, remember? What am I going to do now? Her birthday’s tomorrow!”

Hey, Todd, how about you shop for your mother yourself? Jackass.

“Why should this time be any different from usual? I’m impulsive and Steven’s stubborn and only Elizabeth is perfectly reasonable.” She glared at her sister. “Why don’t you stop and listen to yourself for once? You sound so self-satisfied!”

Tell her, Jess!

True, he wasn’t classically handsome. He had a bumpy nose, he was a little too thin, and his eyes were spaced too close together, but there was something very appealing about him.

Jeez, I’d hate to see know what Jessica would think of real people who live outside Sweet Valley.

The Cover: I love the tagline. “Elizabeth is running away!” Yeah, she spends the night at Enid’s house. Hardly the dramatic act I was envisioning. This cover ranks right up there with Jessica’s runaway cover.

The moral of the story: It’s totally okay to try to sabotage your sister’s chances of getting into a really great school. She’ll get in anyway and then she’ll have to forgive you.

The Big Deal: Get Rich Quick party at Winston’s

Synopsis:

Liz wants to go to Interlochen, a boarding school in Switzerland, for her senior year. Everyone else thinks she’s crazy for wanting to leave Sweet Valley. I’m just going to point out that Interlochen is in Michigan and leave it at that. Jeffrey is upset about the Switzerland thing and Liz thinks the best way to handle it is to show him her brochures and make him see how much it means to her to go. Even Liz’s parents don’t want her to go.

Winston has a lottery ticket, bought for him by his father, and he’s having a party during the drawing. Liz notices the first three numbers are 712, which makes her think of Jeffrey because his birthday is July 12. Winston and Maria go to a convenience store to get snacks for the party and they see a poor old man who can’t afford to buy his granddaughter a bag of cookies. Somehow Winston and the old man get their coats mixed up. At the party that night, Winston can’t find his lottery ticket, but finds one in the old man’s coat. It happens to be the winning ticket. Liz is confused because she thought his ticket started with 712. She asks Winston about it and he tells her his father had gotten him two tickets.

Winston doesn’t know what to do about the lottery ticket. He finds out where the old man lives and goes to his house, which is in “the poorest part of Sweet Valley,” to return the jacket and explain the lottery mixup to him. But Jack Oliver hasn’t been following the numbers and doesn’t even know he’s won. Winston rationalizes that the man doesn’t feel cheated or anything so he should just keep his mouth shut and the $25,000 is his. But he feels bad and buys Jack’s granddaughter a doll and has it sent to her anonymously.

Enid and Liz argue about Switzerland, then Liz and Jeffrey argue about it too. Everyone is being ridiculous and getting pissed at her for wanting to leave them all behind. Moreover, nobody can believe she’d want to leave a place as perfect and terrific as Sweet Valley. Then Enid and Jeffrey talk. They both feel bad about not being supportive of Liz and decide to show their support by putting together a scrapbook for her full of awesome Sweet Valley times. They use their lunch period to go to a craft store for some scrapbook glue. Jeffrey is supposed to have lunch with Liz, but he writes her a note telling her he and Enid are running an errand and sticks it in her locker. She doesn’t get the note because some sophomore boys snatch it and throw it away. Lila tells Liz she saw Jeffrey leave with Enid. Liz gets jealous.

Steve and Jessica decide to sabotage Liz’s chances of getting into Interlochen. Someone will be coming to the house and the high school to interview her friends and family, so they’re going to act like jackasses so the interviewer thinks Liz can’t possibly be as wholesome as she seems. When the guy, Mr. Sterne, comes to the house, there’s a motorcycle parked in the driveway, Steve hasn’t shaved and pretends he can’t function in college because it’s so far away from his family, their parents are late and Jessica is dressed like a whore. Elizabeth is livid. The next day, Jessica dresses exactly like Liz. She has enlisted the help of all her guy friends and she keeps running into Mr. Sterne, a different guy on her arm each time. Then, while Liz is meeting with Mr. Sterne, Steve keeps calling the school, pretending to be different guys, and asking for her. Mr. Sterne tells Liz her behavior is unacceptable. Liz is crushed. Then she looks out the window and sees Jessica dressed like her and understands. She is, once again, livid. She gives Steve and Jessica a piece of her mind, then goes for a jog. She decides to go past Jeffrey’s house and apologize for being so distant, but when she gets there she sees Enid’s car in the driveway. She assumes Jeffrey has forgotten all about her already.

Winston (remember Winston?) finally goes to the lottery people and explains the mistake, then goes to Jack Oliver’s house to tell him he’s the real winner. Jack thinks Winston is the finest young man he’s ever met. Lila’s mad that he gave back the money without having bought her a single present.

Liz is screaming at Jessica and Steven again when Mr. Sterne shows up unannounced. Jessica and Steven called him and explained what they did, and he thinks it speaks to Liz’s character that they love her so much they’d do anything to keep her from leaving. They offer her the scholarship. Then Jeffrey and Enid come by with their scrapbook and Liz realizes she’s been a real jerk. So she turns down the scholarship because Sweet Valley is “even more magical” than Switzerland.

Give me a break.

Quotes:

“They’ll never let her go. Trust me, Jess. Remember what happened when I wanted to leave school to join Bob Rose’s cruise ship?”

[the next page]

“Remember how concerned we were when Steven wanted to leave school to join his roommate on that cruise ship?”

Right, because going to a prestigious boarding school in Switzerland is the same as dropping out of college to work on a boat.

The Cover: Holy makeup, Liz! It’s a boarding school interview, not an audition at the strip club.

Does Sweet Valley even have a strip club?

The moral of the story: Something horrible could happen to your sister, so it’s best to let her walk all over you your whole life. Hey, at least she’s alive!

The Big Deal: The Snow Ball and a party to kick off the carnival

Synopsis:

Liz and Enid have entered a contest to appear on a new trivia show, but Jessica and Amy copy their entry form and win the contest. Liz is pissed. Meanwhile, everyone’s getting all excited about the Winter Carnival. It’s a “special weekend” for juniors, seniors and SVH alumni at a ski resort an hour and a half outside Sweet Valley. Enid is co-chairperson of the committee organizing the dance that highlights the whole weekend. She thinks it’s just hilarious when Winston wants to call the dance the Snow Ball. That’s nothing. I once wound up at an event for optometrists called the Eye Ball. True story.

The cheerleading squad gets nominated for All-State while Liz gets only an Honorable Mention in some writing contest. Liz starts feeling jealous of Jessica. Then Jessica takes credit for a dinner Liz cooked and Liz gets even more upset, but of course she doesn’t speak up or anything. And then Liz has to cancel a date with Jeffrey because Jessica won’t be home to make the salad for dinner. A salad, you guys. And you know why Jessica won’t be home? She and Amy are studying for the trivia show and they go to the library to find out what the longest river in Africa is. How sad is that? When Jessica comes home and joins the rest of the family at dinner, she’s wearing one of Liz’s sweaters. And when Liz, for the first time ever, gets mad and calls Jessica out, her parents basically tell her to shut up because dinner conversation should be pleasant. Damn, we’re really piling it on thick here. Poor Liz. She confronts Jessica after dinner that night and Jessica promises to be more respectful. But then Jessica messes up a phone message for Liz that results in Mr. Collins’ son Teddy not getting the ride home Liz was supposed to give him. Liz is furious and lets Jessica know it. Jessica decides she can’t possibly be the only thing upsetting Liz so much; there must be something else bothering her.

Todd is coming to town to go to the carnival and also to attend some award banquet. He’s invited Liz to join him and she’s looking forward to it even though it means she won’t be able to make it to the carnival’s opening party with Jeffrey. But of course she doesn’t tell Jeffrey because she’s hoping the dinner will be moved to another night (interesting logic there). Todd calls and leaves a message with Jessica to tell Liz that dinner is definitely on Friday. Determined to get the message right, Jessica gives Liz the message but she does it right in front of Jeffrey. He gets all pissed off that Liz was sneaky, which I totally understand. Then Liz gets all pissed that he’s pissed and I hate everyone in Sweet Valley. They try to work it out, but Jeffrey wants Liz to break her date with Todd and Liz refuses.

Liz gets a note from Jeffrey in her locker. He’ll be at Las Palmas Canyon until six o’clock and would like Liz to meet him there. If she doesn’t show, he’ll “assume the worst.” Jessica and Amy are going to the television station for the trivia contest, but Jessica promises to have the car back by four-thirty. So Liz’s whole relationship relies on Jessica keeping a promise. I can see where this is heading. Jessica and Amy win the contest (how the fuck did they manage that?) and go out for pizza. Predictably, Jessica loses track of time. Liz is livid. But can we also be mad at Jeffrey? I mean, he didn’t ask her if she was free or anything, just kind of said, “I’ll be in this place at this time and if you don’t show up our relationship is over.”

Jessica wants to fix things, so when Todd gets into town she finds him and tells him what a big deal the carnival party is and implies he should let Liz off the hook with the award banquet so she can go. So Todd tells Liz she doesn’t have to go to the banquet and she gets all depressed that he doesn’t want to hang out with her. Jeez, there is just no pleasing this chick. Jessica sees that her plan isn’t working so she forges a note from Liz telling Jeffrey to meet her at the lodge that night at six-thirty, but she doesn’t have a chance to tell Liz because she and Amy miss the bus to Mont Blanc. They have to drive and Jessica gets there just in time to meet Jeffrey and pretend to be Liz. Someone sees them together and tells the real Liz, who assumes Jessica is moving in on her man. She gets all crazed and packs her stuff back up and goes home.

Jessica calls the house to explain and Liz hangs up on her. She’s totally pissed off, and just when she’s starting to get over her fierce twin worship, the police call to tell her Jessica has been in a car accident and is in the emergency room. Todd miraculously shows up and gives her a ride to the hospital. Jessica is dead. The next two weeks are horrible. Enid decides to have a small get-together at her house for Jessica’s closest friends. Jeffrey shows up and gets mad that Todd is there. They go outside to fight. And then Liz hears someone calling her name. It sounds like Jessica…

Liz wakes up. It was just a dream! Cara, Jeffrey, Jessica and Steven have made it safely back to Sweet Valley. Everyone who was fighting makes up and they all go back to the lodge the next day. Jeffrey even offers Todd a ride. They all have a wonderful time. Hooray!

I think a more appropriate title would have been “Before the Winter Carnival.” Nobody even shows up there until page 150.

Quotes:

If only Jessica had thought to ask her before–

Elizabeth squelched the disloyal thought before she could finish it. Jessica was Jessica, and that was all there was to it. Though she was only four minutes older than her identical twin, Elizabeth had always felt strangely protective of her. And she was annoyed with herself now for criticizing her sister’s behavior, even to herself.

Guys, this is page two. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through this book.

“My mom got me a beautiful dress. It’s strapless and glittery. Very ice-age,” Cara said with a giggle.

Ice-age? I don’t think that means what you think it means.

“You took my heart, girl, which was ice,” Dana sang, closing her eyes. “One look from you and I’m on fire, so let’s just listen to our hearts, girl. Lift our hearts up even higher…”

Is Dana a lesbian? Did I miss that somewhere? And man, what awful lyrics.

The Cover: “Hi, we’re the Wakefield twins! We’d like to welcome you to beautiful Mont Blanc, where there’s plenty of skiing and skating for everyone. If you visit Mont Blanc you’ll be as happy and beautiful as we are, so come on down!”

The moral of the story: You can go from fat and ugly to skinny and hot, become co-captain of the cheerleading squad, learn to be a bitch, win Miss Sweet Valley High and snub a sorority. And you can do it all in 150 pages.

Dance: Discomarathon

Synopsis:

Robin Wilson’s mother calls Liz begging for her help. She says Robin is going to drop out of school because she thinks she’s so unpopular, but a nomination into Pi Beta Alpha would solve all her worries. She stops herself before actually asking Liz to nominate her. Robin comes over to drop off some books for Jessica. She totally doesn’t mind running errands for her because she thinks she and Jessica are best friends. Liz knows Jessica is never going to nominate Robin, so she offers to do it herself.

So Liz puts Robin’s name up and Jessica, Lila and Cara go to Robin’s house to tell her the news. Jessica tells her to meet them after school the next day to start her first pledge. Robin is so excited she eats an entire cherry cheesecake. The next day, Liz is horrified when she goes to the track after school to find a bunch of other kids watching Robin jogging. She has to do five laps every day for a week while everyone heckles her.

Robin manages to survive her week of jogging, and her next task is to put on a bikini and play volleyball on the beach on Saturday. She doesn’t think she can do it, but Liz tells her it’ll be fine. She says she and Enid are going with Todd and George and says Robin can be on their team. With Liz’s help, Robin makes it through the day, but her next task will be impossible: she has to get Bruce Patman to take her to the upcoming Discomarathon dance. Liz tells Bruce she’ll write an article about him for the Oracle if he takes Robin to the dance. He does take her, but then deposits her in the middle of the dance floor and walks away. Robin runs to the restroom, and Liz runs after her. She tries to convince Robin she has a pretty face, but Robin’s not buying it. She runs out the door, determined never to come back to school again. Liz starts to go after her, but Enid says Todd is about to beat up Bruce. Liz wants to stop him, so she gets some nerdy kid named Allen Walters to go get Robin. He catches up to her in the parking lot and gets her to come back inside with him. They dance together and then Allen takes Robin home. Aw, how sweet.

The Pi Beta Alphas hold a vote on Robin, and Jessica blackballs her. The twins meet Robin at Casey’s Place to tell her the news. She doesn’t take it very well. She says there’s “no reason for me to go on,” and leaves in tears. Liz is disgusted with Jessica and she writes an article for the paper about snobbery at Sweet Valley High. Robin doesn’t come back to school right away, but Mrs. Wilson calls Liz after a while and says Robin was visiting an aunt in L.A., but she’s back now and doesn’t want to talk to anyone.

When Robin comes back to school, she walks around like a robot, not talking to anyone and being really bitchy and cold to anyone who talks to her. She runs on the track every morning and afternoon, and Liz notices that she’s losing weight. Unable to stop herself from interfering, she asks Robin if she’s starving herself and then says she thinks Robin is just terrific.

So now that Robin is hot and thin, she starts to be less of a bitch. She tries out for the cheerleading squad and is named co-captain with Jessica, Bruce starts following her around everywhere, and she even wins the title of Miss Sweet Valley High. When she’s crowned football queen, she disses Bruce and asks Allen to be her escort. Good for you, Robin.

My biggest problem with this book is the complete personality change in Robin. When she’s fat she seems mentally challenged (“Omigod, Jessica is my best friend!”). Then she gets thin and acts like a zombie for a while. When she gets over it, she talks about her old self like she’s a totally different person. Ugh, what kind of character development is that?

While we all love a good story about retribution and revenge, the B story was pretty interesting, too. Lila’s been shoplifting to get daddy’s attention. It all gets straightened out by Liz when mall security gets involved (because even though they don’t like each other, Lila called her first, of course), and everyone lives happily ever after.

Quotes:

“My mom is soooooo excited! She always told me that being best friends with the Wakefield twins could be great for me,” [Robin] gushed.

Of course she did.

She had been awake much of the night, unable to forget her suspicions. Should she confront Jessica about the gifts from Lila?

Really? That kept her up all night? Ah, Liz. You and your damn morals.

The day after her confrontation with Jessica, Elizabeth decided to make it up to Todd by getting him a special gift for his birthday…She’d get him a really nice new band.

Just what every high school boy wants, a watchband. How special! And how nice of Liz to make up for a fight with Jessica by getting a gift for her boyfriend. What?

“You’re too much, Liz. You know that? You can’t see the rottenness in anybody! She’s the one who blackballed me.”

“Jessica? No!” Elizabeth couldn’t bear for Robin to be so hurt, so disillusioned. “She was your friend!”

Wasn’t Liz the first one to point out that Jessica was only using Robin? Sometimes Elizabeth’s twin worship can be a little much.

“If you never expect too much, you’ll never be disappointed.”

That’s right, Robin. Teach everyone that if they just keep their standards low, they, too, can become beautiful and popular and win contests.

Jessica and the number 137

“Robin can get carried away four hundred and thirty-seven times a day, you know?” p. 14

“She’s taking about thirty-seven extra courses.” p. 16

“And everybody knows we have thirty-seven dollars and fifty cents in the treasury, so there’s no need for a treasurer’s report.” p. 19

“Maybe if she ran around the track about a hundred and thirty-seven times a day for the next five years, she might lose some of that fat!” p. 29

“Oh, my head is going to burst into at least five hundred and thirty-seven pieces!” p. 50

“If I told her once, I told her eight hundred and thirty-seven times that blimps were not popular people!” p. 83

Nothing but the usual hundred and thirty-seven disasters and boring business and politics. p. 123

“Bruce Patman is the jerkiest person in thirty-seven states and Mexico.” p. 124

“Oh, Liz, that nonsense is about seven hundred and thirty-seventh on my list of concerns.” p. 148

The moral of the story: If your twin sister is a psychopath, just keep letting her be a psychopath.

The Big Deal: the Phi Epsilon – Pi Beta Alpha dance

Synopsis:

The series opens with Jessica staring in the mirror, complaining about how fat and ugly she is. This affords the narrator the opportunity to tell us that Jessica and Elizabeth are, in fact, the most spectacular looking identical twins in the whole world. I feel like throwing up already.

Liz has a major crush on Todd Wilkins and he seems to like her, too. They agree to meet after school one day, but Liz ends up running late. She gets out to the parking lot just as Todd drives off with Jessica, who thinks Todd is totally hunky. The next day, the whole school is buzzing with the news that Todd and Jessica are the hottest new couple in town. Jessica  tries to hint to Todd that she wants him to take her to the upcoming fraternity/sorority dance, but Todd just keeps asking if Liz has a date. Jessica gets pissed and implies that Liz always has a date, if you know what I mean. Then she stalks away and decides to walk home to see if she can get some horny guys to notice her swinging her hips.

Seventeen-year-old Rick Andover, who dropped out of school six months ago, pulls over and offers Jessica a ride. He takes her home, saying he makes it a point to “know where all the foxiest chicks in Sweet Valley live,” (creeper) and tells her he’s taking her out the next night. Jessica is thrilled with this attention. Rick takes her to Kelly’s Roadhouse, the baddest bar in town, and proceeds to get drunk and start a fight. A cop shows up and takes Jessica home, calling her Elizabeth as she gets out of the car. Caroline Pearce hears this and tells everyone at school that Elizabeth was at Kelly’s with Rick Andover and started a riot. Liz tells everyone she never went there, but nobody believes her, despite the fact that she has an identical twin who would totally do something like that.

Liz’s best friend, Enid, has her knickers in a twist because the new guy, Ronnie Edwards, has asked her to the dance. Things are just swell between them, but Ronnie believes Liz was at Kelly’s and doesn’t think Enid should talk to her anymore. Todd believes it, too, especially after hearing Jessica’s stories about how many guys Liz has gone out with. But when Jessica confesses to Todd that it was actually her at the bar, he thinks she’s covering up for Liz. Then he kisses her for being so noble and asks her to the dance.

Todd spends the entire dance watching Liz, and at the end of the night he kisses Jessica on the cheek. Now she’s super pissed and wants to “get even.” She goes upstairs and tells Liz that Todd “tried everything” and she had to beg him to stop grabbing her. Over the next few days, Todd tries to talk to Liz and tell her he forgives her for seeing Rick Andover (insert big eye-roll here), but Liz is ignoring him because she thinks he tried to have his way with Jessica.

One night, the twins are driving home from the Dairi Burger together when they realize they’re being followed by another car. At a stop light, Rick Andover pushes the twins over and jumps into the driver’s seat of their mother’s Fiat. He’s totally drunk and decides he wants to take them to Kelly’s. He drives them through the Dairi Burger’s parking lot, and Todd can see the twins are terrified. He gets in his car and follows Rick and the twins to Kelly’s, then he beats up Rick and gets the twins home. Jessica says something about never wanting to see the inside of Kelly’s again, and Todd realizes she was telling the truth about Liz having never gone there. Todd and Liz work out all the lies Jessica has told them, and then they kiss.

In a subplot, the Fowlers and the Patmans are having some stupid feud over the football field. The school board stupidly let the lease on it run out, so now the Richie Riches are trying to buy it. Ned Wakefield is a lawyer on the case, working to keep the field in the hands of the high school. The football field storyline is good for only one thing: to make the twins suspect their father of having an affair with his partner when he works late on the case. He’s not.

Sadly, there was no drama at the dance in this book. All that happened was that Todd and Jessica were terrific dancers and the rest of the students cleared the floor for them in true 1980s fashion.

Also, the twins get into the Pi Beta Alpha sorority.

Quotes:

“This sounds like a job for my new tuxedo shirt,” Elizabeth offered…

“Could I wear the pants too? … And the little bow tie?”

Oh, the eighties, how fashion misguided they were!

“I’m sure you’ll be allowed to drive again soon,” she said encouragingly.

But Jessica wasn’t listening to a word. She was out of the car in a flash, slamming the door so hard that Elizabeth winced.

[The next page:]

She threw her arms around Elizabeth and gave her a swift, powerful hug, almost lifting her off the ground.

“I’ve decided to forgive you,” she announced, beaming.

…

Then she shoved her hand into her pocket to feel the car keys. They were gone! And then she remembered Jessica’s sudden hug – that was when she had filched the keys.

This was my first inkling that something was seriously wrong with Jessica’s mental state. Mood swings, trickery, bursts of anger…

“My whole life is going to go right down the tubes! How could he do this, Lizzie?” She began to cry… “Our brother, a member of the Wakefield family, has been spending every weekend…with Betsy Martin! …I will be totally ruined forever when this gets around school!”

…narcissism…

She didn’t like Elizabeth being close friends with anyone but her.

…possessiveness…

Elizabeth wondered how her sister could possibly descend from cloud nine with Todd Wilkins to the pits of depression so fast – and simply because she had to do a little thing like help fix dinner.

…manic depression…

No guy – not even Todd Wilkins – could take Jessica Wakefield to a dance and treat her like a piece of furniture. He wasn’t going to get away with it, she vowed.

…and a vengeful mind.

“I can’t ever stay angry with you…”

And that about sums up Liz, loyal to an insane sister who spreads lies about her, steals the boy she likes and lets rumors that she’d been arrested go uncontested.

Jessica and the number 137

“You’ve got to be seven hundred and thirty-seven kinds of idiot not to be excited about associating with the best girls at Sweet Valley High.” p. 35

“He has got to be the most wonderful boy in a hundred and thirty-seven states!” p. 108

“This family has got to be the biggest bummer in five hundred and thirty-seven cities!” p. 111

“I’ll never forgive you, not if I live to be a hundred and thirty-seven years-” p. 182