Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: I … I got nothing.

Synopsis:

The twins aren’t speaking to each other because Jessica thinks it’s Liz’s fault that everyone thinks her boyfriend is a murdering werewolf. They’re both out to find the truth, but neither wants the other to know what she’s doing. Jessica sneaks into the house of Dr. Neville, the first murder victim. She finds a file labeled “S., Annabelle.” The only thing in the file is a report that Annabelle died from pneumonia nine years ago. Jessica thinks it’s weird that there’s nothing else in the file and she puts it in her bag. She hears someone else in the house and crawls out the window just before Liz comes in. Liz decides to take the file on Robert Pembroke, then goes through the doctor’s Rolodex. She comes across a business card for Mildred Price, Robert’s childhood nanny, and is certain Robert is hiding out at her house. She starts to write down Mildred’s information, but then a noise scares her. She just takes the card and leaves just before the murderer comes in. The unnamed werewolf searches through Dr. Neville’s filing cabinet, goes into a rage about one of the twins having stolen something, and then sees Mildred Price’s name written down next to the Rolodex. He thinks, “Nanny Millie,” and leaves.

Liz goes back to the boardinghouse that night and gets all homesick for Sweet Valley. Then she thinks how lucky she is to have found Luke. She thinks about calling him and then realizes he never gave her his number. Liz looks at the necklace Luke gave her. There’s an “A” engraved on the back of the medallion and Liz wonders if “A” was Luke’s mother, who got him interested in werewolves. Pat, I think I’d like to solve the puzzle. Liz is convinced the medallion has kept her out of danger, but she thinks her twin needs it more than she does so she puts it in Jessica’s bag. Besides, she still has the silver bullet Luke gave her.

The next morning, Jessica wakes up late for work and rushes out the door. Halfway to the tube station, she realizes she’s forgotten her bag. She goes back for it, and when she gets to her room, it’s clear someone has been there. The door is open and Jessica’s bed is made. Jessica has no doubt that Robert has been there. I don’t know why.

When Liz gets to work, Luke asks her where her necklace is. Liz explains that she gave it to Jessica, and then asks about the inscription on the pendant. Luke says the necklace did indeed belong to his mother, Ann. Then Tony Frank, who was just promoted to the crime desk, says there’s been another murder. The victim is Mildred Price. Of course. Liz and Tony leave to investigate.

Then there’s another scene of the murderer tearing the twins’ room apart. He finds the file labeled “Robert Pembroke, Jr.” and the one labeled “S., Annabelle.” That’s great, but he knows one of the twins has a silver bullet. Unfortunately, no amount of vandalism will make it appear. The murderer leaves, figuring the twins have the bullet.

When the twins get home from work that night, they each say they’re missing a file and Liz says her silver bullet is missing. Later, Jessica is looking at the medallion she found in her bag and notices the engraving. She puts the initial together with the file she found and asks Liz where Luke got the medallion. Liz says he got it from his mother, Ann. Jessica thinks, “Ann, not Annabelle. So much for that brilliant idea.” Sigh.

The next morning, the twins find out Lord Pembroke Senior himself has been attacked. Jessica goes to see him at the hospital, and the man is all kinds of doped up. He sees Jessica’s necklace and says it looks like the one he gave Annabelle, the only woman he ever really loved. Then he says he wants Jessica to tell Robert he has a brother.

Liz decides it’s a good time to go snoop around Pembroke Manor some more while the Pembrokes are in the city. Tony Frank goes with her, and she shows him the secret werewolf room. They find a box full of letters from Annabelle. The letters tell them that Lord Pembroke and Annabelle were in love, but couldn’t marry because of their different classes. Annabelle had a baby at some point. Liz and Tony figure he could be anywhere from nine to nineteen years old. They wonder if Robert’s killing spree could somehow be a result of learning he has an illegitimate brother. When Liz tells Luke about Annabelle, he gets all intense and weird and tells her not to go where the werewolf can find her.

That night, the twins have another argument because Liz is a bitch and Jessica is a drama queen. Later, Liz is feeling sad and wants to talk to someone. She goes to Rene’s room and knocks on the door, but he doesn’t answer. She tries to open the door, but it’s locked. For some reason, this sends Liz into a rage and she’s all pissed off at Rene for never being there for her. (I think this is all part of a ploy to make us think Rene is the murderer. There have been a couple scenes in which he’s “acted strangely.” Anyway, Liz is a bitch.)

Jessica goes to Pembroke Green, the family’s city residence, and makes Lady Pembroke talk to her by saying she knows about Annabelle. So Lady Pembroke starts talking and says she hated her husband for having an affair, but also for sending money and resources, including Nanny Millie, to his bastard child. Jessica starts to think the other son must be the murderer. Then Lady Pembroke says, “Lucas is an evil name,” citing that as proof that the boy is no good. Jessica jumps to her feet, shouting that Luke is the killer. I’m surprised she didn’t think, “Oh, she said Lucas, not Luke.” Anyway, she runs out of the house to a telephone box (why didn’t she use the Pembrokes’ phone?) and calls the dorm and the Journal. Liz isn’t in either place. She calls Tony Frank and finds out Liz took Luke with her to check out Annabelle’s old house. He tells Jessica the street name, and Jessica hails a taxi.

Annabelle’s house is in the ghetto, as evidenced by the homeless man outside. There’s no power, so Luke goes to the basement to try to find a fuse box. While he’s doing that, Liz goes upstairs. She finds a bedroom and seems surprised to find someone lives in it. There are newspaper clippings all over the walls, and Liz is kind of horrified to discover they all have something to do with the Pembroke family. Then she opens a diary and reads a passage about the writer waking up on his father’s estate with ripped clothes and blood all over him. Then Liz looks up to see the werewolf in the doorway. She gets scared, but then realizes the wolfman is wearing Luke’s clothes. Liz laughs and tells Luke to take off that horrible mask. He tells her it’s not a mask and Liz gets scared again because her boyfriend is clearly a psychopath.

Luke does an evil villain speech about how he and his mother were denied awesome Pembroke-ish things, and explains that when Annabelle died, Luke vowed to get back at everyone. When he’s done talking, he lunges for Liz, but just then the homeless guy from outside comes in and points a gun at Luke. Liz is relieved to see the homeless guy is really Robert in disguise. Robert says he has the silver bullet. Then Rene and Sergeant Bumpo come in. There’s a scuffle, and Luke gets shot. His mask slips off and he tells Liz they got the werewolf. Then he dies.

In conclusion:

• Luke was a psychotic wannabe werewolf who actually had no idea he was murdering people and framing his brother during his blackouts.
• Robert disguised himself as a homeless man so he could watch over Jessica.
• Rene has been following Liz around to keep an eye on her, which explains his strange behavior.
• Lord Pembroke recovers and turns ownership of the newspaper over to Robert.
• Lucy Friday and Tony Frank get married.

Quotes:

Jessica had a feeling this fight wasn’t going to blow over. It was the worst one ever.

Even worse than that time you got Liz drunk and she killed your boyfriend? Must be pretty bad.

The Cover: Stop wearing those stupid fucking trenchcoats!

And now, fair readers, I need a break. I think I’ll take next week off, at least some of it. I need to get my head on straight again after the ridiculousness of these last few books.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The moral of the story: Werewolves are serious business.

Synopsis:

Of course Jessica’s not dead. The dead blond woman lying facedown in Jessica’s bed is Joy Singleton, fiancé of Sheriff Andrew Thatcher. Joy and Andrew, like Luke and the twins, are spending the weekend at Pembroke Manor. After Liz’s screams, everyone gathers near the doorway to the bedroom. Jessica says Joy wanted to switch rooms with her because she couldn’t sleep with the full moon shining in her window. Robert Pembroke starts ordering his servants to call the constable and shit like that, and Liz can’t stand how bossy he’s being. Ugh, I hate when Liz decides she doesn’t like people. She’s so annoying about it.

For the rest of the morning, Liz follows everyone around being suspicious of them. She questions the servants, Maria and Alistair, and they say they saw someone leaving Jessica’s room around four in the morning but they won’t say who. Liz goes up to the bedroom to look for clues because you know she’s a better investigator than the actual police. She finds a tuft of animal hair and a scrap of fabric caught in the doorway. Luke and Liz, through the process of elimination, decide that one of the Pembrokes must be the werewolf.

Lord Pembroke, who owns the London Journal, has been suppressing stories about the murders, using exaggerated stories about the missing Princess Eliana as a cover. Liz is talking to Jessica and she expresses her dislike for Robert. Jessica gets mad and storms off. Eliana has overheard the argument and tells Liz that Robert, a distant cousin of hers, isn’t so bad. Liz explains what happened at Pembroke Manor and asks Eliana why Lord Pembroke would keep the murder out of the newspaper. Eliana says there was a scandal involving the Pembrokes fifteen or twenty years ago, and Lord Pembroke has been terrified of sullying the family name ever since. Liz vows to find out what that scandal was about.

The next day, Liz pretends to be Jessica and goes to talk to Lady Pembroke, ostensibly as a follow up about her mink coat that went missing last week. She asks if Lady P. has any enemies and says it could even be someone holding a grudge for, oh, say, twenty years. Lady P. gets super pissed, calls “Jessica” ill-bred and kicks her out. Robert calls Jessica later and asks her to dinner because he wants her to get along with his mother. Jessica realizes what Liz has done and wants to kill her. Of course, Jessica thinks Liz was out to sabotage her relationship with Robert.

Liz has lunch with Rene, who has finally come around and stopped being so mad at Liz for not being in love with him. She tells him that she and Luke believe the murderer might be a werewolf. Rene tells her that’s ridiculous, and suddenly Liz doesn’t believe in werewolves anymore. Then she and Luke go see The Howling and then Liz believes in werewolves again.

I hate this book.

Not satisfied that she’s completely ruined Jessica’s love life, Liz decides she’d better pull another twin switch and get back out to Pembroke Manor to talk to Robert’s father. We get a chapter inside Lord Pembroke Senior’s head and find out he, like Luke, is a werewolf scholar. The reason he’s been keeping news of these murders out of the paper is because he knows a werewolf is behind it and he wants to be the one to hunt it down and kill it. The only problem is that he’s worried the werewolf might be his son Robert. Liz-as-Jessica calls to ask if she can come talk to him about his wife’s mink. Pembroke thinks it’s really sweet that she wants to impress him by making the story seem more important than it is. He tells “Jessica” that he’s grateful for the changes she’s brought about in Robert and that Robert loves her very much.

When Liz arrives at Pembroke Manor later, the place is a madhouse. Maria the cook has been murdered in the same fashion as all the other murder victims, her throat torn out. Liz explores Robert’s room and finds a robe matching the scrap of fabric found at the scene of Joy’s murder. The robe has a tear in it. Liz goes to the library and starts to pull a book off the shelf. When she does, a secret door opens onto Lord Pembroke’s secret werewolf room. All the trophies on the wall are wolf heads and all the books are about werewolves. It’s weird. Liz opens one of the books and finds an inscription from someone named Annabelle. Liz decides Annabelle, whoever she is, has something to do with this whole thing. What? Liz snoops a little more, but is interrupted by voices from outside the library. She leaves the secret room and hides under the desk in the library. There, she overhears Sheriff Thatcher telling Pembroke to turn over his evidence and out the werewolf. Pembroke says he will, but he wants to talk to his suspect first. Thatcher gives him until ten o’clock that night. As soon as Pembroke goes away, Liz finds a phone and calls the Journal office to tell Luke what she just heard. Tony Frank tells her Luke isn’t there, and then mentions that Jessica took the day off to go to hang out with Robert. Liz freaks out about her sister spending the day alone with a werewolf.

Jessica and Robert have plans to go to Stonehenge, but they don’t actually make it out there. While Liz was calling Luke, Lord Pembroke was calling Robert to tell him to get out of town for a few days. When Robert picks up Jessica, he takes her to breakfast and tells her he has to disappear for a while. Jessica is depressed and decides to go to Harrod’s, figuring shopping will make her feel better. Meanwhile, Liz starts running all over London looking for Jessica. She goes to the newspaper office and tells Tony Frank everything and says they have to find Jessica. Then Jessica comes in all disheveled. Some hairy creature attacked her and now she’s convinced a werewolf is out to get her.

One of the other kids at the boardinghouse, David, discovers that Lina is really Princess Eliana. David is poor, and he and Eliana have been dating. After his discovery, Eliana says he should claim the million pound reward. Liz and Tony Frank arrange a press conference. After Eliana outs herself to the reporters, Sheriff Thatcher kind of takes over and says there’s a warrant out for the arrest of Sir Robert Pembroke, Junior. Jessica is distraught and decides it’s all Liz’s fault.

This book is horrible.

Quotes:

“Don’t make light of werewolves, Jessica,” Luke said in a quiet voice. “They’re very serious business.”

Best quote of the book.

“Lord Pembroke must be some kind of werewolf fanatic,” [Elizabeth] whispered, more because of the eeriness of the room than out of a fear of being discovered. “How creepy!”

Liz talks to herself a lot in this book. In this case, I can just imagine her considering speaking in a normal tone of voice and then deciding a whisper is more appropriate. I hate Liz.

The Cover: I guess that’s Lina and David being all shocked about the newspaper. I’m not sure, but I think that’s Jessica on the tube platform running away from the “hairy creature” that attacked her.

Synopsis:

It’s Christmastime again. The last day of school before the break, the twins each get Secret Santa candy canes. Jessica’s says, “Happy horrordays, Jessica.” Liz’s says, “I’m dreaming of a red Christmas. Wreck the halls with bloody bodies.” Gross. Liz shows hers to Todd, but Jessica keeps hers to herself. This is Margo’s work, of course. She’s hanging around school, spying on Liz, preparing to take over her life. Liz is supposed to meet Enid in the library at four o’clock, but Margo gets there early with plans to go out with Enid in Liz’s place. Enid, however, recognizes that Margo is not Liz, which is cool, but she thinks she’s Jessica instead, which is not very helpful. It does go to show that Alice is a terrible mother because she totally thinks Margo is Liz when Margo walks into the Wakefield house later and hugs her. Margo then goes upstairs to snoop around in Liz’s room. She finds Liz’s diary and spends the next hour reading. Then Liz comes home and Margo hides in the closet. Liz is pissed that her room has been disarranged. She thinks Jessica did it. She goes into the bathroom and Margo makes her escape. Later that night, Jessica goes to Liz to try to make up again, but Liz just yells at her for snooping through her things and tells her to get out.

Jessica’s boyfriend, James, is tired of spying for Margo. He tells Margo he doesn’t want to do it anymore. She says that’s fine, but that she’ll kill James if he ever speaks to Jessica again. This sucks, because James has fallen in love with Jessica. He hates to do it, but he calls Jessica and breaks up with her. Jessica’s having a rotten week.

The day before Christmas Eve, Margo-as-Liz makes a date with Todd, and then Margo-as-Jessica goes shopping with Lila to get something to wear on her date. Lila thinks Jessica is nicer than usual, and Todd thinks Liz is acting strange. At Miller’s Point, he becomes convinced that it’s really Jessica he’s with, so he ends the date early and takes her home. By the time he gets to the Wakefields’ house, he’s changed his mind and thinks he’s with Liz. He goes home all confused.

Christmas Eve dinner the next night is depressing and confusing for Todd when Liz says she was caroling with Enid the night before, and Jessica morosely says she stayed home all night. Christmas morning at the Wakefields’ is equally depressing, I guess just because the twins aren’t getting along. I can’t really figure out what everyone else’s problem is. A few days later, Ned and Alice leave for San Francisco for the fake meeting Margo set up to get them out of the house.

Margo has been breaking into James’ house and leaving him death threats. He’s worried enough to call Jessica to warn her about Margo and then get the hell out of Sweet Valley, but not worried enough to go to the police or anything. He asks Jessica to meet him at the marina and then he packs a bag. Jessica hangs up the phone, and then the storm raging outside makes the lights go out. She stumbles out into the hall and runs into Margo, who’s hanging around being creepy and listening in on phone calls. She’s super pissed that James betrayed her. She goes back to the boardinghouse to change before she heads to the marina to kill James. When she gets to her room, though, she can tell her lock has been picked. She looks through the keyhole and sees Josh, the brother of the kid she killed in Ohio. He’s found her and has not gone to the police. These fucking kids. Instead of going in her room, Margo pretends to loudly tell someone she’s going to the marina. She runs outside, hides and watches Josh get in his car and head in the direction of the marina.

Liz and Todd are out, but Liz wants to stop at home for a sweater. She walks in and finds Jessica in a tizzy because she can’t find her keys and she’s already late to meet James. She begs Liz and Todd to give her a ride. Liz relents in a bitchy way, and the three of them go to the marina.

James is hanging out on the old pier at the marina when Jessica runs up and hugs him. He tells her everything, and then realizes he’s talking to Margo. She pushes him off the pier just as Todd and the twins come running up, and then I guess she disappears and Josh shows up and it looks for all the world like Josh killed James. I don’t really get the logistics of that, but Todd tackles Josh, who suddenly starts spouting off craziness about a murderer who looks just like the twins.

That night, Jessica has the same dream Liz has been having about a twin with black hair trying to kill her. She wakes up screaming and goes to Liz’s room. Liz is dreaming about the Jungle Prom. She’s been having this dream every night, and she’s getting closer and closer to figuring out what happened. Jessica wakes her up, Liz screams, Steven comes in and Margo spies from the hallway as the three siblings calm each other down. Jessica tells Liz her dream, and Liz says she’s been having the same one.

The next morning, Margo pretends to be Jessica and hangs out with Lila for a while. Lila is having a New Year’s Eve ball and that’s when Margo will kill Liz. While Lila is in the shower, Margo walks around the house. She decides the pool house will be the best place to do it. Later, she hangs around outside the Wakefield house until Steve and Liz leave. She figures Jessica is still asleep, so she goes inside, planning to read Liz’s latest diary entry and then leave. Jessica is awake and Margo is thrown off guard, so she’s kind of rude. Jessica is hurt and goes off to the living room. A few minutes later, Todd shows up and leaves with “Liz.”

Poor Josh has been in jail for a few days and he decides he needs to get out there and take care of Margo, law be damned. He pulls the sick prisoner gag and punches out the guard who comes to take a look at him, and then he escapes.

On New Year’s Eve, Liz is taking a nap before getting ready for Lila’s party. She has a dream about the Jungle Prom and wakes up knowing that Jessica spiked her punch that night. She does not question the fact that this knowledge came to her in a dream, she just goes ahead and decides she hates Jessica. Meanwhile, Jessica suddenly can’t live with the guilt of having spiked Liz’s drink and she wants to confess.

At Lila’s, Liz is talking to Enid when she sees Jessica heading in her direction. Liz makes an excuse and runs off, losing Jessica in the crowd. Enid tells Todd Liz went upstairs to the bathroom, but Todd finds both bathrooms empty. He finally finds Liz in one of the guest bedrooms. He wants to go back down to the party, but when Liz says, “We can have our own party right here,” Todd knows something is wrong. It’s clearly not Liz, but “even Jessica wouldn’t go this far.” He demands to know who he’s talking to. Margo hits him with some statue or something and knocks him out. Then she knocks on the door of Lila’s bathroom, where she somehow knows Liz is hiding out, and pretends to be Jessica. Through the door, she says that she wants to talk and will meet Liz at the pool house.

After finding out their whole trip was a hoax, Ned and Alice decided to go home early, but have been having one hell of a time getting back to Sweet Valley due to canceled plane rides, delayed train rides and a crappy rental car. When they finally get into town, Alice’s mother’s intuition tells her they need to go to Fowler Crest. At about the same time, Steve and Billie are watching the news at the Wakefield house and find out Josh escaped from jail. They think they need to go to Fowler Crest. Josh himself is already there, spying.

Liz goes to the pool house and Margo comes out of the shadows. Liz knows it’s not Jessica because Margo is 1.) wearing the same dress Liz is and 2.) holding a very large butcher knife. She does an Evil Villain speech and tells Liz all about her plan. Just as she’s about to bring the knife down, Jessica runs in and puts herself in front of the blade. All three girls wrestle for the knife. Jessica gets it and gets ready to strike, but suddenly can’t tell which one is her real twin. Then Margo leaps forward and gets the knife again. Jessica once more throws herself on top of Liz to protect her.

Outside, Steven tackles Josh and tells Billie to call the police. Then Todd comes outside and says Josh isn’t the killer, it’s a girl who looks like the twins. Everyone goes into the pool house and Josh slams into Margo and knocks her into the window. Margo goes through the window, taking a shard of glass to the jugular while she’s at it. A few hours later, Margo’s body is gone, the cops are listening to Josh’s story and believing it, the twins are friends again and Alice is happy to be with her girls and probably feeling a little smug that her mother’s intuition was correct.

Quotes:

“Now, I’ve told the Beckwiths and the Egberts that we’re going out of town, and if you need anything, you can call them.”

I thought the Beckwiths moved away. It was, like, last week. Annie and Cheryl moved into their old house.

[James] had no hard evidence that she’d committed any crimes or that she intended to commit any…

You mean aside from the note she left (the one where she threatens to kill you) when she broke into your house?

The Cover: This image comes from The Closet*.

Okay, up there is a sad Christmas morning with depressed twins, and Margo looking in the window like mother-in-law deer. Down there, mostly covered up by the bar code, must be Todd getting knocked the fuck out. And then there’s Liz and Margo. Margo’s all, “I have to spit,” and Liz is all, “Hey, don’t I know you?” The expression on Liz’s face and her body language really take away from the vibe I imagine I’m supposed to be getting from the creepy lightning in the background.

*The Closet is apparently no longer active.

Synopsis: Ugh, why isn’t this miniseries over yet? I’m sick to death of the twins being in this fight and Margo being insane. Just get it resolved already.

Elizabeth: Things have gradually been getting better between the twins, and one day they actually speak to each other and finally make up. Hooray! Not for long, though. Liz goes to Jessica’s room one night for something and finds the letter Todd wrote two weeks ago while Liz was still on trial for manslaughter. She can’t believe Jessica would betray her and keep the letter (uh, dead boyfriend, Liz). She storms into Jessica’s room the next morning and yells at her. Liz goes to Todd’s that night and gives him a big kiss. Things are back to normal and it suddenly doesn’t matter that he cheated on her with her twin sister. Olivia Davidson and her new boyfriend, Harry, are having a costume party, and Liz and Todd decide to go together.

Jessica: Jessica is still dating James and she thinks he’s in love with her. James, on the other hand, is getting freaked out. Margo is acting weirder every day, and James starts to think twice about telling her everything he learns about Jessica. Besides, James is starting to care about Jessica. They decide to go to the costume party as Cinderella and Prince Charming. Jessica plans to wear a pair of earrings James gave her, but at the last minute puts on a pair she got from Sam. When Jessica comes downstairs to meet James that night, she’s shocked to see Liz wearing a nearly identical costume.

Winston: His parents are out of town for a week and Winston is looking forward to being a teenage slob. Then an awful neighbor comes over and shoves her eight-month-old baby at him. She says she suddenly has to catch a plane and she’ll be back tomorrow night. For some reason, he thinks he shouldn’t tell anyone what’s happening, so when Maria comes over the next day, Winston hides the baby in a closet. For real. It doesn’t matter, because Maria hears the baby crying and helps Winston out. He still doesn’t tell his parents, though. The baby’s mother doesn’t come back the next night, or the next. Winston has been skipping school to take care of Daisy, but the third day, he decides to go back. He puts the baby in a duffel bag and takes her with him. This whole thing is so Saved by the Bell. To be honest, I started to just skim this storyline when I got to the part where Winston tries to hide the baby from Mr. Belding Mr. Cooper.

Margo: Even though she hates children and usually ends up killing them, Margo gets herself a job at a daycare center. She talks to James every night, and makes him tell her exactly what Jessica will be wearing to the costume party, right down to the earrings. Then she makes sure she has an identical costume. Margo is at work one day when Winston comes in and tells her about Daisy and asks for some advice. Margo recognizes Winston as Liz’s date at the Fowler wedding.

The outcome: Liz feels out of sorts at Olivia’s party so she goes outside for a walk in the garden. She senses someone watching her, and then Jessica comes out of the shadows. She doesn’t say anything before going inside to the party. Liz is freaked out when she sees Jessica’s rhinestone earrings; she was sure she saw Jessica wearing the pearls Sam gave her. Jessica is standing by herself when someone grabs her. It’s Josh, the brother of the little boy Margo killed in Ohio. He’s been trying to find Margo all this time and he’s tracked her to this party. Unfortunately, Margo and the twins are all dressed alike. After he grabs Jessica, she screams and a crowd gathers around, including another princess who looks like Margo. Josh is super confused.

The next day, Margo shows up at Winston’s house and cheerfully demands that he go out and do something relaxing while she watches Daisy. Winston is a fucking moron and just leaves the baby with a complete stranger. Margo immediately starts freaking out as soon as Winston is gone. The baby starts crying, so Margo dumps her in a crib upstairs and starts pounding on its bars. The doorbell rings, and Margo answers it to find Liz. Margo is totally insane, so she just slips past Liz and runs away. Liz follows the sound of the screaming baby, trying to remember where she’s seen the weird girl before. She finally remembers a dream she had in which a Jessica with black hair was going to kill her. That’s right, Liz is a psychic.

Maria shows up and Liz leaves, but she tells Maria it’s important she talk to Winston as soon as possible. Of course, Winston fails to call Liz before he and Maria go off to give Daisy to Margo, who has promised to hand the baby over to Social Services. When he gets back to his house, he finds Daisy’s mother waiting for him. (There’s some explanation for why she’s been gone for a week without communication, but I can’t be arsed to sort through it.) They all hop in the car and hurry back to the daycare center, where they rescue Daisy from Margo, who was clearly about to smother her with a pillow. It’s clear to me, anyway. Not to Winston.

To put the final part of her dastardly plan in motion, Margo writes a letter to Ned. She claims to be with some kind of consulting group or something and wants to talk to him. She’s rented a room in San Francisco for Ned and Alice for two nights.

Party costumes:

• Olivia and her boyfriend, Harry – Leonardo da Vinci and Mona Lisa (winners in my book)
• Steve and Billie – Mickey and Minnie Mouse (winners in actual book)
• Bruce and Pamela – a sultan and a harem girl
• Rosa – wears her witch costume from Macbeth
• Lila and Tony Alimenti – Scarlett and Rhett
• Robin Wilson – a mime
• Winston, Maria and Daisy – Lucy, Ricky and Little Ricky
• Annie Whitman – a gypsy
• Enid – Amelia Earhart

Quotes:

[Elizabeth’s] new blue maillot looked great – sexy, but in an understated way. Enid sighed…

The whole first chapter seems to be nothing but Enid telling Liz how great she looks.

Elizabeth opened her mouth to tell Maria everything, but she stopped herself. She didn’t know for sure that the curly-haired girl had done anything wrong. She would tell Winston, certainly, but it wouldn’t be right for her to spread rumors that could hurt somebody’s reputation.

Well, you kind of know that she left a screaming baby with a complete stranger without saying a word. What kind of reputation do you think this chick has?

The Cover: Aw, Liz and Todd look cute for once. Margo looks like she’s showing this kid some crazy dance, but kid has to pee and doesn’t feel like dancing. I have no idea who that kid is supposed to be. Just a daycare client, I guess. Hey, look at the bulletin board. Do you think Olivia painted those?

Synopsis: One of the sucky things about this new miniseries format is the amount of time wasted recapping the previous books.

Elizabeth: Liz feels like it’s a whole new world ever since she was acquitted of manslaughter. She and Enid go to the Dairi Burger and Liz is feeling so good about her life that she orders a hot fudge sundae. Suddenly, Ted Carpenter, a guy we’ve never heard of but who is apparently Sam’s best friend, marches into the Dairi Burger and harasses Liz about having such a good time when Sam is dead. What an ass. Liz, of course, berates herself for having forgotten for a few minutes to feel guilty. Liz gets over it, and people start leaving her alone as the days pass. One day, Todd sees her walking home and offers her a ride. Liz is all, “Fuck off, sister-dater.”

Jessica: Jessica knows she’s losing Todd, so she uses Sam’s death to make him feel sorry for her and stick around. After one last disastrous date, though, Todd tells her it’s over. She refuses his offer of a ride home and starts walking. She ends up at the cemetery and cries for a while. Then she decides to do something “life affirming.” She’s going to plan a dirt bike rally in Sam’s honor. Jessica hears Liz having a nightmare one night and she suddenly can’t bear it. She goes to Liz’s room and comforts her. She’s about to confess to spiking Liz’s drink at the prom, but then Alice comes in all smiley about the twins getting along. Jessica loses her nerve and goes back to ignoring her sister.

Lila: Lila’s mother helps Lila throw a party for all her friends. Lila is grateful, but wishes Grace’s boyfriend, Pierre, didn’t have to be there. Amy, looking scared of something, leaves the party early without telling anyone what’s wrong. She calls Lila the next day and says Pierre came on to her and touched her boob. Lila is outraged for her friend, of course, but she’s also pleased that now she has a reason to get Pierre out of Grace’s life so Grace can stay at Fowler Crest. Of course, she doesn’t want to tell Grace right away because she’s afraid she won’t believe her. She comes up with another plan. She takes an entire day off school to spend with Pierre. She makes sure he gets drunk, then takes him back to Fowler Crest and shoves him in a closet. Then she goes off without him to have dinner with her parents. George is happy Pierre isn’t there, and he proposes to Grace. Grace is hesitant, and just then Pierre comes into the restaurant, hammered out of his mind. The maître d’ throws him out, and Lila follows. She tells Pierre she knows what he did to Amy, and if he goes back to Paris right now, she won’t tell anyone. Inside, Grace and George decide to get married.

Margo: Margo is staying at a boardinghouse in Sweet Valley. She can’t wait to take over Elizabeth Wakefield’s life. She goes to Kelly’s Bar (I’m guessing it used to be Kelly’s Roadhouse) and meets a gorgeous dirt bike racer named James. Margo pays James to enter Jessica’s rally and win. She wants him to get Jessica’s attention and then get as much information about the Wakefields as he can. James does what she wants and then reports back to Margo every night, and all the while, Jessica is falling in love with him. Margo reads about the Fowler wedding in the paper and wants to be there. She tries to get a job with the caterers, but they don’t need anyone. Margo kills one of the servers so they have an opening. Because I guess that’s easier than gatecrashing.

The outcome: The Fowler wedding is a huge success. Maria Santelli is out of town, so Winston asks Liz to be his date. Liz has more fun than she’s had in a long time, and she and Winston get busy cutting a rug on the dance floor. Todd gets jealous and asks Liz to dance. They dance one song, and then Liz thanks him and walks away. Margo, watching from the sidelines, vows to make Todd her boyfriend just as soon as she kills Liz.

Quotes:

The other times this had happened, Todd had allowed himself to melt into the embrace by imagining that it was Elizabeth he was with, and not her identical twin.

God, this guy is disgusting.

The Cover: I suppose that’s Jessica and James over there by the dirt bike track, but they look terrible. That’s not at all how I pictured James. For the main event, Lila looks really bad and George looks like Wayne Newton or something. As for Grace, I get a little creeped out by brides if I can’t see their faces. I think some of it is because of that creepy kid in The Others, but mostly because of that shot in Flowers in the Attic after the mom’s been hanged by her damned bridal veil.

Damn, that's creepy.

Synopsis:

Elizabeth: Liz’s trial is starting, and Alice Wakefield is losing her marbles, running around offering snacks and washing windows while Liz and Ned go over their defense. A defense, by the way, that sucks ass because Liz cannot remember anything, no matter how many times the jerkface prosecutor asks her what happened the night of the prom.

Jessica: Jessica is still hanging all over Todd and ending most family scenes by running out of the room. She knows Todd feels bad about Liz, but she tells him he has to choose where his loyalties lie. The night before Liz’s trial starts, Todd and Jessica go to the Beach Disco and make out during a slow dance. A few days later, Jessica finds a letter Todd has written to Liz, and she snaps when she realizes she doesn’t really want Todd anyway. All she wants is Sam. This doesn’t make her give up, though. If anything, she hangs on to Todd more tightly, telling him Liz read his letter and threw it away. For some reason, she goes to the courthouse for the last day of Liz’s trial.

Todd: Todd sucks. He goes to Liz’s trial and it makes him feel guilty for what he’s been doing with Jessica. He tells Jessica it feels wrong to be with her, but keeps making out with her. He’s all torn up, so he goes to visit Steve, of all people, who is not happy to hear that Todd has been cheating on one little sister with the other. That night, Todd writes Liz a letter and asks her to give him a sign. He’ll go to her trial every day, and when she wears the bracelet he gave her, he’ll know it’s okay for him to talk to her.

Lila: Lila’s mother tells her the story of why she left Sweet Valley to go live in Paris: Grace wanted a separation from George, but George didn’t. When Grace took Lila and went to her parents’ house, George filed for divorce and sued for custody. Lila decides she’s going to get her parents back together.

Steven: Steve has a crush on his roommate, Billie, and she’s a really good listener when he talks about his family. When a classmate says there’s a rumor that Steve’s mom is in a nuthatch or something, Steve accuses Billie of blabbing. Billie is hurt and says she’s moving out. Then Steve finds out that Jessica told Amy and Lila that Alice was losing it. He apologizes to Billie and they make up.

Bruce: Pamela Robertson has transferred to Sweet Valley High in the hopes of getting away from her reputation as a slut at Big Mesa. Bruce still won’t give her the time of day, and Cousin Roger thinks it’s his fault because he was one of the many people who tried to warn Bruce about Pamela’s sluttiness. Poor Pamela doesn’t have any friends because everyone at Sweet Valley already knows about her, and Roger feels bad. He decides to befriend her himself, but Pamela doesn’t trust his motives. When Lila and Amy ask her to have a soda with them, she decides to give them a try. The three of them become friends, and Amy has a talk with Bruce about the way he’s judged Pamela. Bruce realizes Amy is right and feels bad. Then one day, Bruce sees a Big Mesa asshole trying to get Pamela to take a ride with him. Pamela is scared and crying, so Bruce just runs up and punches the guy in the face. Then he kisses Pamela.

Margo: Margo rides the Big Grey Dog all the way from Houston to Los Angeles, where she buys a train ticket to Sweet Valley. While waiting for her train, she sees Josh, the older brother of the boy she killed in Cleveland. Margo makes a scene, acting like Josh is bothering her, and then runs out of the restaurant. She exchanges her ticket and hops on the train currently leaving for San Diego instead. When she finally gets to Sweet Valley, the first place she goes is the mall to buy a blond wig.

The outcome: On the last day of Liz’s trial, a kid named Gilbert is called as a surprise witness. He was out driving drunk the night of the prom, and he caused Liz to crash. Jessica is all happy for a minute because that means her spiking Liz’s drink didn’t cause Sam’s death, Gilbert did. Then she notices that her whole family is rallied around Liz, hugging her and whatnot. She gets all sad and leaves with Todd. Liz tries to talk to her a few nights later, but Jessica ignores her and leaves the room.

Quotes:

But Mom’s only in Sweet Valley temporarily, Lila reminded herself. Nothing lasts forever. If I can’t count on the stability of the Wakefields, what can I count on?

If this mess hasn’t taught you that the Wakefields are even more fucked up than most families, nothing will.

Roger heaved a discouraged sigh. This was a repeat of many conversations he’d had with Bruce since he came to live in Sweet Valley after his mother’s death.

The continuity is even worse in these books than in the first ninety-four. Roger already lived in Sweet Valley when his mother died. Remember? He was poor, Lila had a crush on him, blah blah blah.

Laughing at his own wit, Bruce climbed into the Porsche and started the engine. He didn’t give Pamela another glance – that was part of her punishment…

I will kill Bruce Patman. Her punishment?

The Cover: Okay, Margo is freaking me out. She looks really scary. And the Sweet Valley courthouse is pretty imposing, too. Liz’s shirt is horrible.

Synopsis:

Liz has been charged with involuntary manslaughter. The detectives keep asking her questions, but she has no recollection of drinking the night of the prom, or of leaving the school. She’s put in a holding cell with a prostitute. I can’t believe there’s even one prostitute in Sweet Valley. Ned calls Steve, who almost faints when he hears Liz will be spending the night in the police station’s holding cell. Jessica is still feeling as depressed as ever, but she’s decided to pretend to be her old self again. She’s also decided that the only thing that will really make her feel better is if Liz goes down for murdering Sam.

Her first day back at school after being released, everyone avoids Liz except Enid. Enid sets her bag down next to Liz at lunch and then goes to get her food. While she’s gone, Liz sees a newspaper sticking out of Enid’s bag. She grabs it and sees her own picture on the front page and an article about how she’s going to stand trial. Liz gets it into her head that Enid meant for her to find the newspaper and embarrass her, so she runs out of the cafeteria. What she doesn’t know is that Jessica stuck that paper in Enid’s bag when Enid walked past her. Phase two of Jessica’s revenge involves Todd. She calls him crying about how much she misses Sam, and manipulates Todd into offering to hang out with her the next night.

Lila seems to think her mother’s visit is going to solve all her problems, and Amy is worried. Jessica is annoyed because Lila never shuts up about her mom. Pamela calls Bruce and he agrees to listen to her explanation for staying out all night with some guy. Olivia, who is suddenly referred to as Nicholas Morrow’s best friend, has entered Nicholas to be on a dating show called Hunks. He’s a good sport about it, but gets set up with a weird biker chick named Jakki.

There’s a weird chapter here that’s very Lost. Lila is going to meet her mother for the first time. She pulls out of her driveway and almost hits a chick on a motorcycle. The chick is Jakki, on her way to pick up Nicholas. Nicholas waves to Bruce from the back of Jakki’s bike. Bruce is on his way to meet Pamela. He has a red rose, but decides he’ll look weak if he gives it to her. He tosses it out the window, then pulls up next to Steve Wakefield at a light. Steve is lost in thought and almost hits a girl crossing the street. The girl is Pamela, on her way to meet Bruce. Mrs. Wakefield takes Liz to the mall to try to make her feel better. Liz is miserable and goes outside. She sees Todd drive by (he’s on his way to meet Jessica at the movie theater) and starts crying. She cries even harder when she sees a red rose on the hood of her mother’s car.

Jakki takes Nicholas to some biker bar called Club Mud. Nicholas calls Olivia to come pick him up. Lila meets her mother, but also her mother’s boyfriend, Pierre. He’s kind of a douchebag.

Pamela wants to tell Bruce her story, which is that she had dated some asshole named Jake Jacoby who wanted her to “go all the way” with him. When she wouldn’t, he dumped her, but told everyone he’d gotten laid. After that, all the boys started asking her out, then dumping her when she wouldn’t have sex with them, either. But all of them lied and said she did because nobody wanted to be known as the guy she wouldn’t sleep with. So now everyone thinks Pamela is a total whore. She went out with Jake to try to get him to tell people the truth about her, but he just got pissed and kept her out all night just to be mean. It was him Bruce saw bringing Pamela home that day. Pamela doesn’t get a chance to say any of this because as soon as she sits down with Bruce, Jake and two other guys come up to their table and start taunting them. Bruce leaves the restaurant.

Todd and Jessica both have a horrible time at the movie, but Jessica says she doesn’t want to go home yet. She suggests a walk on the beach, so off they go, past the Dairi Burger where everyone can see them together. On the beach, Todd mentions Sam, and Jessica starts crying. Todd hugs her and says he knows how she feels because he misses Liz so much. This pisses Jessica right off, but she pretends it doesn’t and holds Todd closer.

Liz has a meeting with the lawyer Ned found for her, Alan Rose. Mr. Rose is kind of a jerkface and alternately talks about how much alcohol was in Liz’s system and how uncooperative she’s being by saying she doesn’t remember anything about the crash. Hello, you’re the one sitting there talking about how drunk she was, and you’re surprised she can’t remember anything? Ned fires Mr. Rose and decides to represent Liz himself.

The next day, Steve takes Liz to the park and they see Todd and Jessica holding hands. The day after that, Enid and Liz are driving by Todd’s house and they see the twins’ Jeep in his driveway. Steve is worried about both his sisters, but pushes everything aside for a minute to find himself a roommate for his new off-campus apartment. He answers an ad by a Billie Winkler, who shocks him by turning out to be a girl. Steve’s an idiot.

Nicholas’ second date, Susan, is just as bad as his first, but the third girl is awesome. Ann is everything the first two weren’t, and Nicholas somehow manages to turn the date into a nightmare. He’s late picking her up, he gets a flat tire and he throws up. It’s pretty bad. The next day, he goes back to the Hunks studio, where each girl gets to tell the world how their dates went. Jakki and Susan are pretty mean, but Ann says she had a wonderful time. They agree to go out again.

A bunch of Nicholas’ friends are at the Hunks taping, and Jessica and Todd are among them. After the show, the guys all want to go to a nearby burrito stand and Todd asks Jessica to join them. Jessica says Sam loved burritos so she couldn’t possibly go with them. She’ll just go home. Todd offers to go with her, and they end up on the beach again. Jessica is wearing one of Liz’s sweaters and Todd is all confused and weirded out. When Jessica starts making out with him, he kisses her back while thinking about Liz.

Crazy Margo kills the little boy she’s been babysitting, steals a bunch of money from his parents’ house and leaves Cleveland. She’s on her way to California, where she thinks she’ll find her real family. For some reason, the voice in her head tells her to get off the bus in Houston. She hangs out at the Houston bus station for sixteen hours, and then an old woman sits down next to her with a newspaper. There’s a picture on the front page that Margo thinks is a picture of herself at first, but then sees the girl has blond hair and a dimple and is going to be going to trial on manslaughter charges.

Quotes:

“I’ve been a fool,” [Pamela] mumbled through her sobs. “I’ve been a stupid, stupid fool.”

Show of hands: who actually talked like this at sixteen years old?

The Cover: That must be the Wakefields’ house. Isn’t it quaint? Liz is looking at me and I don’t like it. There’s way too much denim going on over there with Todd and Jessica on the beach.

The moral of the story: I’m not sure the new miniseries format lends itself well to morals.

The Big Deal: Yeah, nobody’s really interested in parties right now.

Synopsis:

Liz totally isn’t dead, you guys. But she did kill Sam in that car accident and now she’s having nightmares about someone who looks like Jessica trying to kill her, but the girl has black hair instead of blond.

Bruce can’t stop thinking about the girl who tried to help him on Saturday night. He eventually finds out her name is Pamela Robertson and she’s on the Big Mesa tennis team, so he finds her after practice one day and asks her out.

Lila doesn’t go back to school until the Wednesday after the prom. She knows people are talking about her and the accusation she made against Nathan Pritchard. When she gets to school, Mr. Cooper tells her there will have to be a meeting with Lila, her father, Mr. Cooper and Nathan. At the meeting, after Nathan gives his side of the story, Lila realizes he wasn’t trying to attack her after all. She apologizes for making a mistake, and her father drives her home.

A week after the prom, the twins still aren’t speaking to each other. When they go back to school, Enid is the only person who will talk to Liz. Not even Todd has spoken to her. Poor Amy keeps trying to cheer up both Lila and Jessica, but doesn’t really know how to talk to either of them.

Olivia notices a sandy-haired guy watching her during a painting class. A few days later, she finds out a collector has bought one of her paintings. The only condition is that she give a talk about her art at a fundraiser in Bridgewater. She runs into Nicholas Morrow as she’s walking home and tells him her news, and he takes her out to celebrate. They talk about their love lives, and each asks the other how it’s possible they don’t have a steady stream of dates. They both say they’ll help the other find someone. They’re idiots and don’t seem to realize they’re actually on a date right now.

When Olivia goes to the address in Bridgewater, she’s surprised to find it’s a residence and there are no other cars in the driveway. When she goes inside, the sandy-haired guy from her art class comes down the stairs. He says he made the whole thing up about the fundraiser to get Olivia to his house. He’s totally creepy, but really cute, so Olivia says she’ll go out with him the next night. She later tells Nicholas she’s in love.

Lila has been in her bedroom since the meeting at school. Her father tries to talk to her, but she just can’t tell him what happened with John. George doesn’t know what to do, so he calls Lila’s mother in Paris. When he tells Lila her mother is coming to town, she starts crying and thanking him.

By the end of Bruce’s first date with Pamela, he’s in love. Cousin Roger tries to tell him that looks can be deceiving, but Bruce thinks Roger has a lot to learn about women. At lunch, Bruce tells everyone about his new woman, and when he says her name, everyone kind of laughs and says Pamela is known as a slut. The next time they go out, Bruce can’t stop thinking about what everyone’s been saying, so he’s kind of jerky to her. He feels bad, so the next morning, he goes to her house to bring her some flowers. He’s standing at her front door when a car pulls up in the driveway and Pamela gets out. After she kisses the guy driving the car, she sees Bruce. She tells him she was just breaking up with that guy because she’s in love with Bruce. Bruce goes home in a huff.

Jessica leaves to go to a special memorial for Sam at the bike track, but she decides she can’t handle it. She drives aimlessly and ends up at the cemetery, where she sits at Sam’s grave and cries over his death and her own part in it. Things at the Wakefield house are pretty horrible. Steve comes home every weekend and tries to cheer everyone up, but everyone is depressed. Then, three weeks after the prom, two police officers show up at the Wakefields’ house and arrest Elizabeth. Jessica considers telling the police that she spiked Liz’s drink, but can’t bring herself to do it.

While all this is going on, a sixteen-year-old girl named Margo is plotting her escape from her tenth foster home in New York. She thinks it’s too bad she’ll have to kill her five-year-old foster sister, Nina, but Nina walked in on Margo counting her stolen money and saw the bus schedule with Cleveland circled. Margo can’t risk anyone finding out where she’s going. She sets the house on fire and takes off. In Cleveland, Margo types up some fake reference letters and gets herself a job babysitting for a wealthy family. When she’s stolen enough jewelry and made enough money, she’ll move on toward her final destination, California.

Quotes:

“You’ll love the plans for the new wing of the city building,” Alice Wakefield was saying as she drove toward the high school. “We’re going with a Spanish-style look, with lots of sunlight.”

I think this is how she describes every project she ever works on. Jesus, Alice, not everything has to be Spanish-style.

Elizabeth left the dance with Sam, Jessica remembered. How could her sister have done that to her?

Because you got her drunk, stupid.

The Cover: Here it is, the first of the new crappy covers. I miss the old ones. The twins hovering over everything like god up there is weird. And for such a busy looking cover, there’s really not a lot going on. We’ve got Bruce looking all scandalized that his girl is kissing another dude, and then I guess that’s Lila running away from Nathan or something.

This is where the whole thing goes sideways, folks. Get ready.

The moral of the story: Prom is just not worth it.

The Big Deal: Party at the beach, horrible Jungle Prom

Synopsis:

At a totally awesome beach party, Bruce dares Jessica to swim out to the buoy. Liz begs Jessica not to do it, but Jessica laughs and jumps in the water (after stripping down to her bikini “striptease-style”). Liz runs around freaking out, telling Todd, Sam and Enid that Jessica’s in the water. Everyone tells Liz to chill, but she can’t. Jessica comes back to shore and Liz is all, “Jessica! You’re all right!” Jessica laughs and says of course she’s all right. Liz gets upset and decides she’s not going to worry about Jessica anymore; Liz is only going to worry about herself from now on.

Lila is having a terrible time with her date, Tony Alimenti. He’s a nice guy, but Lila isn’t ready for dating yet and only agreed to come to the party because Jessica and Amy wouldn’t leave her alone. Lila watches her friends dancing and wonders if they’re ever scared that their boyfriends will overpower them. Then Tony tries to put his arm around her and she jumps.

Meanwhile, Bruce is making out with Andrea Slade. He knows Andrea likes him a lot, but he’s just not interested because she doesn’t present a challenge. She tries to get him to commit to a picnic next weekend, but Bruce is an ass and tells her he doesn’t do commitment and if she doesn’t like it she can take a hike.

A ton of kids run onto the beach wearing Big Mesa’s school colors. They knock over the food table, spray shaving cream on everything and pick up the girls and carry them for a few feet and then drop them in the sand (Lila screams at the top of her lungs). The whole thing only lasts five minutes, but the mess is horrible. Sweet Valley wants revenge.

At the Dairi Burger afterward, the twins argue over whether or not Sweet Valley should retaliate while Bruce and some other former Club X members are in the parking lot discussing how they can get revenge on Big Mesa. Tony takes Lila home and she freaks out when he tries to kiss her goodnight. Liz and Todd go to Miller’s Point and talk. They decide everyone will calm down and nothing else will come of the raid on the beach.

While getting ready for the beach party, the twins came up with an awesome idea for a jungle themed school dance. At school on Tuesday, Liz tells her friends she’s gotten the go ahead from Principal Cooper on the Jungle Prom. They talk about whether or not there should be a king and queen, and Liz wonders if she should go for it. Later, Todd convinces her she would be a great queen. After school, Jessica goes out with her friends and declares that she intends to be prom queen.

Jungle Queen

Lila has a session that afternoon with Nathan Pritchard, her counselor. She’s really upset about Saturday night and tells Nathan what happened with Tony. Nathan does his best to convince her that maybe Tony wasn’t trying to hurt her and that Lila’s just oversensitive right now. Lila concedes that he’s probably right and says she doesn’t want to be scared of every boy in the world.

Environmental Alert, the organization Liz found to fund the prom, calls Liz and says they’ve put together a prize package for whoever is elected prom queen. The queen will win a trip to Brazil and the opportunity to be an honorary spokesperson for Environmental Alert. Liz runs out to the pool to tell Jessica and Lila the news. When she goes back inside, Jessica starts gushing to Lila about how awesome it will be when she’s prom queen. Lila pretends to fall asleep so Jessica will shut up. A few minutes later, Alice comes home. Lila watches Alice and Jessica talk to each other. She wishes she had a mother to talk to. Damn, Lila makes me so sad in this book.

Jessica misses a meeting of the prom committee, so Liz goes ahead without her. The committee decides on formal dress for the prom, which Liz knows is going to upset Jessica, who wanted everyone to dress all Tarzan and Jane. When Liz tells everyone about the prize package for the queen, everyone on the committee tells her she’s the logical choice. Jessica is pissed that Liz let the committee vote on the dress code issue without her, but doesn’t mind when she realizes that if it weren’t for Liz, Jessica wouldn’t be going to Brazil. She’s sure she doesn’t have any competition for the title of queen.

Andrea finds Bruce after school on Friday and asks him what he’s doing the next day. Bruce says something rude and is sure she’ll tell him off, but she just looks sad and tells him to call her sometime. Bruce thinks it’s kind of fun to string her along and see how much abuse she’ll take. He goes outside to the parking lot to find that his car, along with everyone else’s, is a mess. The damned Big Mesa jerks have come back with their shaving cream and they’ve drawn bulls (their mascot) all over everyone’s cars. The same afternoon, Liz gets a copy of Big Mesa’s newspaper in her Oracle inbox. There’s an article about how crappy Sweet Valley’s basketball team is.

A few days later, Liz is looking over The Oracle before it goes to the printer and notices the story she asked Caroline to write is a little weird. She wanted an article promoting the prom and asked Caroline to leave names out of it, including Liz’s. Caroline has written a piece of crap that makes it sound like the whole prom was Jessica’s idea. Liz is pissed, but decides to get over it. That night, Jessica says something about “when I go to Brazil,” and Liz gets angry again. She asks Jessica if it ever occurred to her that Liz might like to go to Brazil. Jessica says no, being prom queen isn’t really Liz’s thing. Liz gets all weird and asks how Jessica knows what her kind of thing is, as if Jessica hasn’t been living with her for sixteen years. They have a big argument. Afterward, Jessica goes to Sam’s to study and tells him how strange Liz has been acting. Sam makes her forget about it and they talk about maybe spending the night together after the prom.

There’s a big pep rally for all the sporting events that are coming up. Jessica outshines the rest of the cheerleaders and then makes a big speech about the prom. Liz knows it’s all part of her campaign to be voted queen.

Jessica and Lila are shopping at Lisette’s a few days later and talking about Liz. Lila tells Jessica to stop being so cocky about being voted queen because a lot of people think Liz is going to win. Jessica is all “Yeah, whatever.” She finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Just then, Liz and Enid come in. Liz finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Jessica and Liz come out of their fitting rooms at the same time wearing the same dress. Lila thinks it’s pretty funny.

Bruce goes to the marina to take his father’s boat out. He runs into Nicholas Morrow, who mentions Regina. Bruce doesn’t know how Nicholas can talk about her without getting upset. Bruce goes home that night, takes a picture of Regina out of his nightstand drawer and cries.

On Friday, Liz gets another delivery from Big Mesa. It’s another article from the Bull’s Eye, and this one is full of accusations that Sweet Valley cheated to win the track meet the day before. Todd convinces Liz not to retaliate and they go to lunch. In the cafeteria, Jessica is handing out buttons that say “Save the Rainforest—Come to the Jungle Prom,” and telling people she used her own money to have them made. Liz is outraged at Jessica’s campaigning. Liz, you’re allowed to campaign, too, if you want. Todd tries to tell her to calm down, and she gets even more angry.

On Monday morning, Lila is getting ready for school and wondering if she should go to the prom. She starts thinking about Nathan realizes he’s really cute, and Lila is grateful to him for helping her so much in counseling. She decides she’ll go to the prom even though she doesn’t have a date. Nathan will be chaperoning and she can just hang out with him. Lila goes into her counseling session that afternoon a new woman. She flirts with Nathan a little and tells him she’s back to her old self.

Jessica drags Amy, Robin and Lila to a prom committee meeting and pisses Liz off by acting like she wants to be involved. Before the meeting is over, she brings up the real reason she came to the meeting: she doesn’t think any Big Mesa kids should be allowed to come to the prom. The committee is split, so Liz arranges for the whole school to vote. She’s happy when the school votes against Jessica’s idea.

Later, Penny tells the twins that she was contacted by Sweet Sixteen magazine. They heard about the prom and want to do an interview with whoever came up with the idea. I’m so sure. Liz and Jessica are scheduled for an interview and photo shoot the next day. Jessica doesn’t show up and the Sweet Sixteen people are tired of waiting. Against her better judgment, Liz agrees to do the interview alone. When Jessica shows up forty-five minutes late and finds out they left without her, she’s convinced Liz set it all up somehow.

On Wednesday, Liz writes an editorial for The Oracle. It’s an attack on Big Mesa. Liz gets mad when Todd tells her she’s being mean. Friday night is the big basketball game against Big Mesa, and Liz says some mean things to Enid about Hugh not having the guts to show up and support his school. Damn, she’s crabby. Sweet Valley wins the game, and the Big Mesa kids hightail it out of there.

Finally, it’s prom night. Everyone lavishes Liz with praise and Jessica is mad that they’re all acting like Liz did all the work. When Sam points out that Liz actually did do all the work, Jessica stomps off and tells him to ask someone else to dance. He asks Liz. Todd is elected prom king, and in one hour, the queen will be announced. Jessica knows she needs to do something fast if she’s going to take Liz out of the running, which she’s even more determined to do when she sees Liz and Sam dancing together. A Big Mesa guy starts flirting with Jessica and she notices he’s drunk. She flirts back to get some of his alcohol and then pours a ton of it into Liz’s punch cup.

Drunk and happy, Liz tells Sam she doesn’t care about being queen. She yells to Andrea and Patty that she’s withdrawing her name so Jessica can win. Jessica does win, but as soon as the crown is on her head, she feels guilty.

Suddenly, twenty or thirty Big Mesa kids come in and start running through the gym, punching people on their way through to the football field. Bruce rounds up a bunch of guys to follow them. Jessica, suddenly worried about Liz, jumps off the stage to try to find her. She sees Liz and Sam wobbling out the door, but by the time she makes her way through the crowd and into the parking lot, Liz is in the driver’s seat of the Jeep. Before Jessica can get to them, Liz drives off. Jessica finds Todd and tells him they need to go after them.

Lila is stuck in the gym. No matter what exit she tries to use, there are people blocking her way. Finally, Nathan takes her arm and leads her out of the gymnasium. The hallway isn’t much better, so Nathan pulls her into an empty classroom. Once they’re alone, Lila has a flashback to John’s attack on her and she’s suddenly sure that Nathan was only pretending to be nice so he could get her alone and take advantage of her. She screams. The cops have made it to the school, and at the sound of Lila’s scream, they burst into the classroom. Lila says Nathan attacked her, and the cops haul him off.

There’s a massive brawl out on the football field and Bruce is right in the middle of it. A Big Mesa kid hits him with a bat and knocks him down. Just as the other guy is going to hit him again, a beautiful girl tells the guy to stop. She reaches out to help Bruce up, but he gets kicked in the head and blacks out.

Todd and Jessica hop in Todd’s car and go off in the direction Liz and Sam went. Jessica tells Todd that Liz and Sam are drunk, but says she doesn’t know where they got the alcohol. They see a crashed Jeep on the side of the road and pull over. There are cops on the scene already, and they say both the driver and passenger are dead.

To be continued…

Quotes:

In [Bruce’s] opinion, the only fun in dating was the sport of it. The more it was like a tennis match, where he had to wear down his opponent through expertise and sheer force of will, the better he liked it.

Jeez. What a freak.

The Cover: God, the twins are so ugly! Is it really possible that neither one of them did anything special with her hair for the biggest social event of the year?

The moral of the story: If you’re hot and blond, you’re automatically good at acting.

The Big Deal: Lots of Hollywood parties, a party at Amy’s and a surprise party at the Wakefields’ house for the twins

Synopsis:

Jessica’s favorite soap opera, The Young and the Beautiful, is holding a casting call in Los Angeles. And guess what they’re looking for? That’s right, twins! They want a pair of twins with classic California looks to be on their show for a week. Too bad Liz isn’t at all interested. Jessica tells Liz she’ll be able to afford the word processor she wants and the twins can get a new Jeep, but nothing Jessica says can convince her to do it. At a party at Amy’s house, Jessica convinces all their friends it would be a great idea, so everyone starts bothering Liz about auditioning, but Liz is still not interested. Lila comes up with a great plan. Jessica will fake a letter from a research company inviting Liz to a discussion group about twins. Liz won’t be able to resist, and when they get in the car, Jessica will take them to the audition instead. She knows Liz will “give in gracefully” once they’re there.

Everything goes according to plan until the twins are in the waiting room. The casting director, Natasha, comes in and starts telling all the sets of twins how the auditions will go. Liz figures out what’s happened, and she’s not standing for it. She starts going off on Jessica and they have an argument right there in front of everyone. Liz walks out and slams the door behind her. Natasha starts clapping. She thinks that was their audition, and she offers them the part.

Filming doesn’t start for a week, but Natasha wants the girls to get involved beforehand so she invites them to a cast luncheon the next day. That night, Jessica and Sam have a fight because Jessica is too excited about being a soap star to listen to Sam’s mundane stories about dirt bike racing. Liz is still saying she’s not going to participate, but Jessica is going on the assumption that Liz will come around eventually.

The next morning, Lila, Amy and Jessica drive out to L.A., where they’ll be staying at a classy hotel owned by one of George Fowler’s associates. Lila and Amy drop Jessica off at the luncheon, where she meets Brandon Hunter, the heartthrob of The Young and the Beautiful. He flirts with Jessica during lunch and then asks her to go out with him that night. He’s twenty-two, in case you were wondering.

Brandon takes Jessica to a party at a famous singer’s house, then a movie premiere the next day. On Monday morning, people are coming up to Jessica at school and telling her they saw her picture in the paper. Sam gets all upset and jealous. Liz still won’t do the show and Jessica is starting to panic, but she comes up with another plan. She puts together a bunch of Liz’s newspaper articles and a writes a letter to the editor of the Los Angeles Times, telling him she and her sister will be starring on The Young and the Beautiful and asking if he’d be interested in a series of articles about the experience.

Ned and Alice finally decide to seriously consider letting the twins get a Jeep since the Fiat is falling apart. Liz and Todd meet Ned at the dealership, and there are like two whole pages dedicated to Liz handling the salesman. There’s also a bit about how “the girls take care of all their own oil changing, points, plugs, et cetera,” and then Liz looking under the hood like she knows what’s under there. But just last week, didn’t she need Steve to show her how to change a tire? Anyway, they trade in the Fiat and drive the Jeep home. Jessica is ecstatic.

That night, Liz gets a call from Rodney Grant, Lifestyle editor at the L.A. Times. He congratulates Liz on getting the soap opera role and says he would be interested in the articles Liz proposed. Liz figures out what’s happened, but lets the man speak. When he tells her how much she’ll be paid for her articles, Liz finally agrees to be on the damned show. She and Jessica go to the set to check things out. Liz does some interviews with the camera and light guys, then Jessica introduces her to Brandon, whom she immediately dislikes. When they start filming on Monday, Liz dislikes him even more. He can’t remember any of his lines and blames his crappy acting on the twins.

Jessica hasn’t talked to Sam in a week. One night, the doorbell rings and Jessica answers it to find a guy dressed as Batman. He hands her a bouquet of flowers and a note from Sam asking if Jessica will see him. Jessica says that of course she’ll see Sam. Batman rips off his mask and whoops with joy. It’s Sam! He whisks her away to the beach, where they have a fight and Sam tells her to choose between him and Brandon Hunter, but you can tell what he’s really saying is he wants her to choose between him and acting. Well, nobody gives Jessica an ultimatum, so of course she chooses Brandon and her career.

I don’t understand the Batman thing at all.

How did we end up in Sweet Valley, Robin?

The next day after filming, Jessica goes to knock on Brandon’s dressing room door, but hears him talking to someone else. He says things like “great publicity stunt,” “she really fell for it,” “I’ll be glad when she goes back to high school,” and “I think I’ll start pursuing Sandi Starr.” Jessica runs back toward her own dressing room in tears, but then calms down when she realizes Brandon couldn’t possibly have been talking about her. Or could he? She goes out with him the next night and pays close attention to how he acts. And he acts like a jackass – only putting his arm around her for pictures, constantly trying to leave her alone while he talks to other people. Jessica can’t believe she’s never noticed before how much Brandon sucks. When she gets home, she and Liz come up with ways to get even with him.

For their last day of shooting, Liz and Jessica do everything they can to mess Brandon up and make him flub his lines. That afternoon, the director calls to tell them Brandon wasn’t happy with the way the scene turned out so they’ll have to do it live. Jessica has an idea. She calls Sam and leaves a message for him to watch the show that evening.

During the final scene, Jessica’s character is supposed to swoon and declare her love for Brandon’s character. Instead, Jessica stands up and says she can’t be with him because she still loves Sam, “the boy [she] left behind.” Then she tells Brandon he’s a jerk and throws a glass of water in his face.  When the twins get home, they find a surprise party waiting for them. Sam forgives Jessica and everything is wonderful again. The soap opera people call and offer the twins a permanent contract, and Jessica turns it down.

Quotes:

He’s interested, too. I can tell. Other boys have looked at me with that look, and I know it means that they want to get to know me.

Jessica doesn’t know just how much they want to “get to know” her.

“But here she goes again, Mom!” Elizabeth cried. “Have you ever heard the dialogue the women characters on the soaps are given? They never use their brains! They misunderstand everything that everyone tells them, and they jump to absurd conclusions about the very people that they should know they can trust. It makes me sick to watch them.”

I don’t get it. Is this supposed to be ironic?

The Cover: Doesn’t Jessica kind of look like a bird somehow? I don’t really know how to describe it, but there’s something very birdlike about her appearance. I’m so sick of her stupid hair. And I guess that’s Brandon. He just looks like a smarmy bastard.