Posts Tagged ‘Twin Fight’

Sweet Valley Twins #57: Big Brother’s In Love!

Saturday, March 18th, 2017

SVT057The Moral of the Story: Go ahead and try to steal your best friend’s girl. You’ll probably find the right girl for you along the way.

The Big Deal: Staying Up with Bob, whatever that is.

Synopsis:

During a Unicorn meeting at the Wakefield house, Janet announces that she has somehow gotten her hands on two tickets to see Staying Up with Bob, a new television show that everyone is crazy about. As she’s making a big deal about who she might take with her, Steven walks through the room and into the kitchen. He looks like a zombie and manages to set off the smoke alarm because he forgot he put cookies in the oven. Everyone knows he’s still not over Jill Hale, and Janet makes fun of him. Jill is dating Janet’s brother Joe, so Janet feels like she’s involved in the situation. The twins are mad because they’re the only ones allowed to make fun of Steven. Jessica bets Janet that Steven will be over Jill in one week. If she wins, Janet has to give her and Liz the Bob tickets. If she loses, she says she’ll give Janet Liz’s brand new camera. Liz is furious, but what can she do? She’s a twin and twins have to make sacrifices. Jessica thinks the best thing to do is to get Steven interested in his platonic friend Cathy Connors, and the best way to do that is to make Steven think someone else is interested in Cathy. Then he’ll realize he has feelings for her.

At lunch the next day, Steven spills milk all over Jill because of course he does. She’s kind of bitchy about it, but Steven manages to save the day by asking her about her hobbies. She says she’s really into motorcycles, so Steven says he’s thinking about buying one. He buys a motorcycle magazine and is dismayed to learn that fourteen-year-olds aren’t allowed to get motorcycle licenses, but he figures he’ll buy one and Jill can just come over and look at it. His hopes are dashed when he skims the classified ads and sees that the thirty dollars he has to his name will not cover the cost of a motorcycle.

Steven is an idiot. I hate Steven stories.

The twins put their stupid plan into action and send Cathy a dozen tulips. Cathy is too busy daydreaming about her secret admirer to pay attention to Steven at lunch the next day, but she does offer to get him hired at the restaurant she works at. Steven, naturally, thinks he’s too good to flip burgers. He goes to the community pool after school to look for a lifeguard job, but the guy tells him he can’t hire anyone who isn’t certified. So he tries the music store, but the man there tells him he can’t hire someone whose only musical knowledge is the top forty. The manager at the computer store tells him he’s useless without programming skills. All of these people tell Steven to try flipping burgers. Steven goes home defeated. He still thinks he’s too good for restaurant work, but he needs a motorcycle, dammit.

Cathy gets Steven hired. He almost walks out when he sees the uniform, but Cathy convinces him to stay. He decides it might be fun working with Cathy, though he’s irritated with her these days because she’s always mooning over her secret admirer. The twins send a glittery letter with each present, and so far she has E, D, and L. Steven does not care because all he can think about is his plan to win Jill over. One day, Steven realizes it’s kind of shitty of him to be doing all this in order to steal Jill away from Joe, who is supposed to be his best friend. He tells Joe he still likes Jill, and Joe tells him to go for it because he doesn’t even like her that much. He says Jill only says she likes motorcycles because Joe likes them, so now Steven doesn’t know what to think.

Meanwhile, in Twin Land, Jessica finds Steven’s sock full of money when she does the laundry (yes, he keeps it in a sock and yes, he put the sock in his laundry basket), and Liz gets all freaked out when she sees Jessica using money she isn’t supposed to have to buy secret admirer stuff. When Jessica refuses to put the money back, Liz says she’s taking herself off of Project Get Rid of Jill and she’s no longer speaking to Jessica. That doesn’t last long, of course. At lunch on Monday, Jessica finally gives in and tells Liz she’ll put the money back.

That night at work, the manager leaves Steven and Cathy alone at the restaurant. They have a food fight because they’re idiots. Jill comes in to order some food and Cathy tells Steven to ask her out. Jill just laughs at him and walks out the door. Steven is depressed for a second, but then Cathy makes some joke and they start laughing again. In about two seconds, Steven realizes Cathy is really pretty, and he likes being around her, and maybe they can be more than just friends. Just then a little boy walks in and gives Cathy some more glittery letters. She pulls out the rest of the letters she has and arranges them to read STEVEN WAKEFIELD. Steven is confused, but he kisses Cathy and that’s when the twins come in and take a picture of the kiss while they jump up and down with glee. Then manager Rick comes in and fires Steven and Cathy.

The Wakefield parents are unhappy when they find out about the bet the twins made with Janet, so they say the twins can’t take the tickets. However, Steven is so happy to be with Cathy that he offers to give the twins money to buy the tickets. So at the Unicorn meeting the next day, Janet is super pissed when she sees the picture Liz took of Cathy and Steven, but she gracefully accepts the money for the tickets. Jill comes in and sees the picture, and later that night she calls Steven to ask him to hang out with her. He tells her no. Jill is a real piece of work.

The twins get to go to the stupid show, which I don’t really understand, but it involves audience members doing stupid stunts. Elizabeth gets called up to do her stunt, which is this: Jessica throws peas at her from across a table, and she uses a knife to fling them back and hit Jessica in the face. She discovered this talent at dinner the other night. Anyway, the twins are celebrities when they go to school on Monday. The end.

Quotes:

“Basketball,” [Jill] said. “That’s the game with the hoop, right?”

A girl after my own heart.

If he bought one now, he could keep it in the garage. That way, Jill could come over and look at it. Maybe they could even sit on the seat and pretend they were roaring through Sweet Valley.

That sounds like a dreadful date.

“You’re both fired,” he snarled.

Steven looked at Cathy. Cathy looked at Steven. Then they both threw their orange hats into the air and shouted, “Hooray!”

I just like that they shouted, “Hooray!”

The Cover: That uniform includes a neckerchief. I don’t blame Steven for almost bailing.

Sweet Valley Twins #51: Elizabeth the Impossible

Sunday, December 20th, 2015

SVT051The Moral of the Story: Never let on to someone how well they’re doing at life. It’s nothing but trouble.

The Big Deal: Model Student contest

Synopsis:

Liz recently won fifty dollars from the Sweet Valley Tribune when she entered a Junior Journalist contest. Today, she’s won an essay contest from Teen Scene magazine. The prize is two hundred dollars and a trip for two to Los Angeles. When Mr. Davis announces a nationwide search for the model student (no word on who is actually conducting this search), Jessica decides to convince the teachers to nominate Elizabeth. She spends the entire day talking to all the teachers she can find.

This weird chick, Pamela McDonald, has been following Liz around for weeks, copying her hairstyles and wearing outfits just like hers. It’s weird and creepy and totally annoying. When Pamela tells Liz she wants to start a petition to get Liz nominated for Model Student, Liz firmly tells her no. But Pamela, along with Liz’s actual friends, keep telling her she’s perfect for this Model Student thing. So when Liz overhears Mr. Bowman telling Principal Clark that Elizabeth is his best student and “she’s the one I’d nominate,” Liz assumes the nomination is in the bag, so she tells Jessica and the rest of her family.

The next day, wanting to look the part of the Model Student, Liz wears the terrible outfit you see on the cover. Everyone tells her she looks like a librarian and Liz almost takes her hair down, but Pamela tells her to leave it. Pamela also urges Liz to make a change at the Sixers after some errors slip past final editing. From now on, all changes have to go through Liz. Everyone is pretty pissed at her, but Pamela tells Liz she did the right thing. Liz continues to act all sanctimonious and annoying. She lectures Aaron when he calls during dinner and tells Jessica she should take up a worthwhile hobby like chess. She makes everyone eat brown rice pudding for dessert and tries to throw away all the junk food in the house.

Amy comes over on Sunday afternoon to play Scrabble with the twins. Things are going okay until Pamela shows up. Amy gets fed up with the sickening compliments and the way Liz drinks them in. She storms out. Pamela tells Liz that Amy is just jealous, and that’s when Jessica dumps her tiles on the board and walks out in a huff, too. Pamela assures her they’re both jealous, and then they go to Liz’s room to pick out some more boring skirt-and-blouse outfits for the coming week.

Caroline starts telling people she’s heard that Todd might actually be nominated for Model Student. Jessica, Amy, and the rest of Liz’s friends all agree that someone else being nominated would be the best way for Liz to quit acting like a dick. So Jessica goes around to some of the teachers, campaigning for Todd this time. When she tells Liz that Todd might get nominated, Liz throws a hissy fit and starts talking about all the times Jessica has been wrong before.

It all comes tumbling down for Liz when she finds Mr. Bowman’s door locked. She assumes he and Mr. Clark are talking about the Model Student thing, so she puts her ear to the door. She almost falls over when the door opens. Liz gets a week of detention, and that’s what makes her realize she’s been a total asshole all week. She apologizes to her friends and tells Pamela to fuck off. At the Model Student assembly, Mr. Clark announces that Sweet Valley Middle School is allowed to nominate two students, and yes, Todd is one of them. And Liz is the other. So even though she’s a total jerkface, she still wins! Hooray!

Quotes:

“Listen, Elizabeth,” Jessica said. “I’m myself, and I’m satisfied with the way I am. I like to waste time. I love shopping with the Unicorns and talking on the phone and going to parties… Maybe I don’t have a lot of self-discipline, and maybe I’m not the most cultured person in the world. But I’m an individual, and I’m happy.”

A round of applause for Jessica. This is the most relatable thing she’s ever said.

The Cover: Ugh, what a brat! I don’t care how much you’ve brainwashed yourself, that’s not a good look. And Jessica looks high.

Sweet Valley Twins #43: Elizabeth’s First Kiss

Friday, May 23rd, 2014

SVT043The Moral of the Story: Once one kid has a boyfriend, they’re all gonna want one.

The Big Deal: Bowling. And love is in the air.

Synopsis:

Liz has a crush on Todd Wilkins, but Jessica is interested in him, too, and it seems like he likes her. Jessica and the Unicorns are calling him Jessica’s boyfriend, which is kind of weird but whatever. So basically, this is a middle school version of Double Love. Liz asks for Jessica’s advice about boys, and she doesn’t like it when Jessica tells her to pretend to like the same stuff the boy likes. Jessica begs Liz to tell her who she likes, but Liz doesn’t want to tell her it’s Todd because ain’t nobody got time for that drama.

Jessica listens in on a phone conversation brother Steven has with a girl named Candice Stapleton, and she’s grossed out by their flirting. Later that night, Steven brings home a girl named Lindsay so they can watch the hockey game. Jessica wants to know why, since he doesn’t even like hockey, and Steven gets all embarrassed. Liz thinks it’s interesting that her brother is pretending to like stuff to impress a girl. Then Jessica sees Steven at the mall with Candice, and he’s got Lindsay over the next day to hang out. He doesn’t really like Candice but he doesn’t know how to get rid of her. Oh, Steven. I’ll save you the suspense and tell you he ends up with Lindsay.

Liz asks Jessica to give her a makeover, and she goes to school looking like Jessica. She doesn’t really like it, but, I mean, what did she expect? The Unicorns are in awe of Jessica’s work, and they watch as all the boys flock to Elizabeth. They see Jim Sturbridge handing Liz a piece of paper, and they get it into their heads that Jim is the boy Liz likes. Liz tells Jessica it isn’t Jim, but she still won’t say who it is and Jessica is FURIOUS.

The Unicorns spread a rumor that Liz is looking for a boyfriend, so Liz stops curling her hair because she’s humiliated. She doesn’t want anyone to think she’s changing her look to find a boyfriend. Liz tells Jessica she’ll never speak to her again unless she gets the Unicorns to stop spreading rumors about her. The Unicorns stop talking about her, but it’s too late. Liz’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they won’t leave her alone. Randy Mason even gives her a bracelet, and Liz wants to cry when Todd sees them together. She’s really concerned that he thinks she’s actually out trolling for a boyfriend.

Jessica is super smart and she’s starting to think that maybe Todd really isn’t that interested in her. Whenever they talk, he always asks her about Liz. But she does manage to talk him and his friends into going bowling with her, Lila, and Ellen on Friday night. When they get to the bowling alley, pretty much everyone in school is there because these kids have a serious groupthink mentality going on. The Unicorns end up in a lane next to Bruce, Aaron, and some other guys, and Aaron starts flirting with Jessica. And by the way, isn’t Bruce in seventh grade? Doesn’t he have any friends in his own class? Just wondering.

When Liz gets to the bowling alley with Amy and Julie, the only lane open is the one next to Todd, Ken, and Tom McKay. Todd is being super nice to her, so Liz assumes he thinks she’s Jessica. When they have a minute alone, she tells him he’s got the wrong twin, but he tells her it was really Liz he liked all along, and he never believed the Unicorns’ rumor. They go to Casey’s Place to have milkshakes because that’s what adorable sixth graders do on dates. On the way back to the bowling alley, Todd kisses her cheek. Then Liz remembers that Jessica likes Todd and she feels totally guilty. Not to worry, though. They run into Jessica along the way, and she’s holding hands with Aaron.

Quotes:

She had known Todd since kindergarten. But since fourth grade, she really hadn’t seen much of him.

He’s probably been hanging out with Minkus and Mr. Turner in the other hallway.

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The Cover: That shoe looks gigantic. I hate Todd’s face.

Sweet Valley Twins #37: The War Between the Twins

Thursday, December 12th, 2013

SVT037The Moral of the Story: Things always work out for Wakefields.

The Big Deal: School dance

Classmate with a Problem: Twins, fighting

Synopsis:

The Unicorns have been getting pissy with Liz because she never prints anything about the Unicorns and their shopping trips in the school paper. Liz tells Jessica she can write an article and she promises it will appear in the next issue, but apparently there’s just too much news going on right now and she has to leave the article out. Jessica is spending the night at Lila’s that night, so Liz has to wait until school the next morning to tell her the bad news. She thinks this conversation is much too important to have over the phone. So of course she isn’t able to get to Jessica before Jessica sees that her article is missing from the paper. Jessica is furious. She says the Unicorns are going to start their own newspaper. God, that’s going to be so awful. Can you imagine?

The Unicorns have a meeting to discuss newspaper business. Janet appoints herself editor-in-chief and lays out all the other decisions they’ll have to make, like who the other editors are and how many pages the paper will be. At the end of the day, the only thing they’ve decided on is that it should be printed on purple paper. At the next meeting, Janet, sick of the indecision, just assigns positions and tasks to everyone and decides on the name The Unicorn News, which everyone hates. Janet appoints Jessica as news editor, her second-in-command. Jessica is really happy about it until Janet starts giving her everyone’s articles and telling her to correct their spelling. Janet has a super important dance to plan, so she can’t be bothered with newspaper stuff right now.

Mary and Jessica are the only ones really taking things seriously, and they spend all weekend putting the paper together while the rest of the Unicorns go shopping and whatnot. And then they’re told they can’t use the ditto machine on Monday, which sucks because they wanted their paper to come out on Tuesday, the day before the Sixers. They aren’t able to use the machine until Thursday, and that’s when they discover the purple paper Lila bought is almost the same color as the ink and the paper is impossible to read. Still, the girls are sure everyone will want to read their paper, and they’re flabbergasted when almost nobody takes a copy.

Most of the Unicorns want to give up on the paper, but Jessica convinces them not to. Janet reluctantly agrees, but appoints Jessica as editor-in-chief because Janet herself is much too busy with the dance committee. Jessica actually seems to have a grasp of how things should be going. She decides to change the name to The Middle School News, print it on white paper, and make it four pages instead of eight. She also decides they won’t post just Unicorn stuff (they printed the minutes from their last meeting in the first paper, complete with a ten minute argument about what the Unicorns’ least favorite color is), but nobody can think of what they actually should print. Then Lila comes up with the idea of a fake interview with Donny Diamond, some famous rock star.

The Donny Diamond interview is a huge success. The Unicorns have to print more copies of their paper, while almost nobody is reading the stupid Sixers with its article about the cafeteria staff. Liz and Amy are feeling pretty crappy about it, and then Nora tells them the Unicorns are hanging posters advertising their next issue, in which Donny Diamond will be answering students’ questions. Liz is surprised Jessica never mentioned an interview with Donny Diamond, but she knows Lila works in the music industry and figures it’s all above board.

While going through questions for Donny’s column, the Unicorns find a letter that says the sender doesn’t think Donny actually knows the Unicorns and they should print a picture of them and Donny together in the next issue to prove it. Jessica manages to find a picture of all the Unicorns posing with Janet’s brother, Sam, and she pastes a picture of Donny’s head over Sam’s head. The Unicorns charge fifteen cents for the paper and end up making forty-five dollars. Meanwhile, Lila is in charge of the music for the upcoming dance, and she’s been advertising a mystery guest because she hasn’t come up with any ideas for music yet. Ticket sales are going crazy, and I’m guessing it’s because everyone thinks the mystery guest will be Donny Diamond, seeing as how he’s an honorary Unicorn now.

Letters keep coming in with questions for Donny. Even Ms. Langberg, the gym teacher, asks Jessica all kinds of uncomfortable questions about how they met Donny and what he’s like. But the Unicorns have already answered all the easy ones and these questions are harder. They also get another letter from the person who doesn’t believe Donny knows the Unicorns. This person says he/she knows the photo was a fake. Jessica is convinced it’s the Sixers staff sending the letters. I think it’s probably Ms. Langberg.

Liz starts hearing rumors that Donny Diamond will be at the dance. She knows that ain’t never gonna happen, and she tries to tell Jessica how disappointed people are going to be when Donny isn’t there, but Jessica just accuses her of writing those letters and runs off to find Lila. She tells Lila about the rumors and Lila freaks out because she still hasn’t found a mystery guest for the dance. Jessica and Lila try to talk to Janet, but she just says rumors are good for business. That’s not helpful, especially since brother Steven tells Jessica the news is all over the high school and the students there are getting their younger siblings to buy tickets to the dance so they can hear Donny Diamond. Then Lila tells Jessica her music industry uncle just called. He completely forgot he was supposed to be looking for someone for Lila’s dance, and it’s too late now to get anyone.

Ms. Langberg pulls Jessica and Lila aside the next morning and asks them point blank if they know Donny Diamond. Since they’re being asked by a teacher, they have no choice but to tell her the truth. Ms. Langberg tells them she understands how things got carried away and aggressively suggests that the dance is the perfect place to apologize to the whole school for lying. When she asks Lila who the mystery guest actually is and Lila tells her there isn’t one, Ms. Langberg says she’ll get her accordion-playing cousin and his band, Donald Kaminsky and the Polka Dots, to play and everything will be fine. The girls feel like they have to agree. I’m taking bets now on what Donny Diamond’s real name is.

At the dance, Lila and Jessica get up on stage and explain everything. It does not go over well. The crowd is booing and hissing, so the girls run off stage. Then the curtains sweep back and there’s a weird looking guy with crazy red hair and nerdy glasses playing the accordion. The crowd starts chanting, “WE WANT DONNY.” So Donald Kaminsky takes off his wig and glasses, grabs a guitar and starts playing. He was Donny Diamond all along, guys.

After Donny’s set, Ms. Langberg calls Jessica and Lila backstage and introduces them to Donny. He chastises them for telling lies about him and says he was the one who sent the letters. He showed up tonight because Ms. Langberg told him lots of people were expecting him and he didn’t want people to be disappointed. He approves when the girls tell him they’ll use the money they made from the newspapers for something the whole school can use and that they won’t be printing anymore newspapers. Then he tells them to round up the rest of the Unicorns so they can get a real picture taken with him. What a really nice guy.

Oh, the twins have made up at some point during all this, and Liz offers to let Jessica write an article about Donny’s appearance at the dance for the next issue of the Sixers.

Quotes:

How did all this begin? And where is it going to end? Elizabeth wondered.

Melodramatic tween is melodramatic.

“This list is much too long,” Janet said authoritatively. “The editors can come up with a shorter one.” Since there were no editors, it was not clear just when there would be a shorter list. Nobody seemed to mind.

This cracked me up because it reads like Douglas Adams. I’m sure that was unintentional.

“Editor-in-chief, huh?” asked the twins’ fourteen-year-old brother, Steven. “I guess we’ll have to call you Big Chief Jessie.” He put his hand to his mouth and did an Indian war-whoop. “Woo-woo-woo-woo.”

You’re hilarious, Steven. No, really. Super funny.

The Cover: I always loved the way Jessica looked on this cover. High-waisted jeans notwithstanding.

Sweet Valley Twins #14: Tug of War

Wednesday, July 6th, 2011

The Moral of the Story: Only nerds can be class president.

The Big Deal: Sixth grade class presidential election, party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Linda Lloyd, sixth grade class president, has to move to Texas, so the sixth grade gets to elect someone new. The Unicorns, of course, think the new president should be a Unicorn. To complicate matters, there’s a question of what should be done with the money the book fair brings in. The Unicorns think the money should go toward a big party for the sixth grade, while Liz and Amy think it should buy a VCR for the library. (LOL, remember VCRs?)

Amy and Julie nominate Liz, and the Unicorns nominate Jessica. Oh, disaster. Jim Sturbridge nominates Randy Mason as a joke. Jessica is sure she’s got this thing in the bag, considering Randy is a great big nerd and Liz isn’t far off. Lila calls Amy and says the Boosters are having a campaign pool party at Lila’s, and when Liz mentions it to Jessica, Jessica accuses her of spying.

So now the twins are fighting, and the next morning Liz’s stack of campaign flyers goes mysteriously missing from the school library. Liz gets in trouble later because they’ve been thrown into the school fountain. While she, Amy and Julie fish them all out, they see Lila and Ellen watching them and giggling. When Jessica finds out what Lila and Ellen did, she gets it into her head that Liz is going to do something awful to get back at her. She goes snooping in Liz’s room and finds out Liz is planning to hold a rally after the soccer game on Friday. Jessica and Lila decide they have to figure out a way to stop it.

Because of her rich daddy, Lila is able to get her hands on a few boxes of Johnny Buck’s not-yet-released single. The Unicorns spread out through the crowd at the soccer game and tell everyone they need to get out to the parking lot now if they want a copy. By the time the game is over, the stands are empty and Liz’s rally is ruined. In retaliation, she draws mustaches on all Jessica’s flyers. A big fight ensues and the twins aren’t speaking to each other.

Randy Mason has his own little rally, and he says he would use the book fair money to throw the party, but he’d sell tickets to get in and use the ticket money to buy a VCR. Liz is too dumb to have thought of that and she thinks it’s a great idea. She’s pretty sure Randy won’t get elected because he’s such a nerd, so she decides to say that’s what she’ll do with the money. She’s sure she’ll get elected that way, and then the school can have the party and the VCR, as opposed to just the party if Jessica wins. However, she feels like it might not be the right thing to do, even if she gives Randy credit for the idea.

At the assembly the next day, Jessica gives a speech that makes it clear she has absolutely no idea what a class president does. All she wants to talk about is the party. When it’s Liz’s turn to speak, she tells everyone she’s dropping out of the race and she hopes all her supporters will vote for Randy instead because he has the best ideas. Then Randy talks about all his ideas and it’s obvious he’s the best man for the job. He wins the election and asks Liz to be his “special executive assistant” and asks Jessica to help him organize the party.

Quotes:

Julie looked worried. “I hope Lila isn’t planning any dirty tricks to play on you.” Lila was famous for her clever schemes.

Elizabeth shook her head firmly. “Even if she does, Jessica would never go along with it. She wouldn’t do anything like that.”

Since when?

The Cover: Liz needs to stop baring her teeth like that. She looks like she’s going to bite someone. And holy Jesus, that button is as big as her head. Literally.

 

Sweet Valley Twins #11: Buried Treasure

Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

The Moral of the Story: If you hold out long enough, someone will eventually tell you to go ahead and keep the two hundred dollars you found.

The Big Deal: Student council elections

Synopsis:

While helping Ellen’s brother Mark bury his dead parakeet in the backyard, Ellen and Jessica find a mysterious box. How fortuitous that Mark would pick that exact spot to start digging. Ellen and Jessica contrive an excuse for Mark to get out of their hair, and they open the box while he’s gone. They find two hundred dollars in cash and some old love letters and photographs. Some rich girl was in love with the gardener’s son but apparently they didn’t end up together. Ellen and Jessica think it’s terribly romantic. They take their two hundred dollars and go to the mall.

Elizabeth is running for student council treasurer. Amy is her campaign manager and she makes some glittery posters. Liz thinks they’re a little flashy, but she goes with it. Way to live a little, Liz. Olivia’s posters are pretty and artistic, but Peter DeHaven’s are super boring because he’s a big nerd. He comes to school one day wearing brown socks with white sneakers and everyone makes fun of him. Poor Peter.

Ms. Wyler’s class has been selling candy to raise money for a trip to Disneyland. When the money goes missing, Liz starts to get suspicious about all the new stuff Ellen and Jessica have acquired lately. She goes searching in Jessica’s room for a sweatshirt Jessica borrowed, and she finds the receipt for a Walkman Jessica said she’d found on a bench at the mall. Liz starts having a panic attack about Jessica possibly being a thief. She interrogates Jessica and is convinced she must have stolen the Disneyland money.

Mark Riteman is starting to get suspicious about what Ellen and Jessica found in the box, and he goes snooping in Ellen’s room. He has to hide in the closet when Ellen and Jessica come in and start talking about the money. They find him and he demands his share of the money or he’s going to tell on them. Jessica takes the box of letters and photographs home with her, so when Mark tries to tattle, he doesn’t have any proof.

Amy is feeling down because she was in charge of the Disneyland money and everyone thinks she stole it. Trying to cheer her up, Liz tells her she thinks maybe it was Ellen and Jessica. Amy gets pissed and tells Caroline that Ellen and Jessica stole the money, so by the end of the day everyone is giving them dirty looks. Liz tells Amy she doesn’t appreciate her spreading rumors and Amy is a little bitch about the whole thing. Ken sees Liz is upset and tries to make her feel better, and of course Amy thinks this means Ken has the hots for Liz. She tells Liz she can’t be her campaign manager anymore, and instead goes to the Peter DeHaven camp.

Liz tells Jessica everyone thinks she and Ellen stole the money, and she’s pissed because nobody wants a class treasurer whose sister is a thief. It’s all about YOU, Liz. And the next morning, Peter comes to school looking like a normal person instead of a nerd. Amy has given him a fakeover, so now he wears jeans and t-shirts instead of brown slacks and button-down shirts. When it comes time for the campaign speeches, Peter sings a song and does a dance and the audience goes wild. Liz can’t find her speech because Jessica took her notebook to copy her math homework. She has to wing it and she does a crappy job. Afterward, Jessica confesses to taking her notebook, and Liz goes crazy, accusing Jessica of trying to ruin her life.

Mr. Bowman sends Liz and Amy to the supply closet to get some paper. They get locked in. Before they’re rescued, they manage to make up and also find the missing class money. Hooray! They hurry home to tell Jessica she’s off the hook for stealing the money, but Steve says she and Ellen are hiding out somewhere. In fact, they’re waiting on Ellen’s front porch, with the treasure chest, ready to confess everything. Mrs. Wakefield and Mrs. Riteman have both been called to the school because even the teachers have heard the rumor about the class money.

While they’re waiting, Ellen and Jessica see a woman walking up the street toward Ellen’s house. She looks exactly like the girl in the pictures they found, so naturally, they assume she’s a ghost who wants her two hundred dollars back. She’s not. Her name is Laura and she’s the granddaughter of the treasure chest girl. She wanted to see her grandparents’ old house while she was in town on business. Mrs. Riteman and Mrs. Wakefield pull up right then and the girls confess everything. And then Amy and Liz show up to tell them the class money has been found. Laura reads her grandparents’ letters and it helps her make a decision about her own love life, and she tells Ellen and Jessica they can keep the money they found. Liz wins the class treasurer election and everything is great.

Quotes:

Elizabeth closed her eyes. This was worse than any nightmare she had ever dreamed.

Liz must have pretty tame nightmares.

The Cover: That’s pretty much exactly how I always pictured Ellen. Minus the “OMG there’s a ghost coming up my driveway” expression on her face.

 

Sweet Valley Confidential: Ten Years Later

Tuesday, March 29th, 2011

This is it, folks. The day we’ve all been waiting for. The day we find out exactly why Elizabeth Wakefield left Sweet Valley and why she cries when she orgasms. There are obviously spoilers here, so don’t read any further if you don’t want to know the whole story.

Y’all ready for this?

Here we go!

Elizabeth Wakefield has left Sweet Valley and is now living in New York City, working for a crappy online magazine that nobody’s ever heard of. When our story opens, Liz and her boss, David Stephenson, are returning to Liz’s apartment after grabbing a post-workday dinner. Liz thinks David is handsome enough, but she doesn’t really want to sleep with him because he made her leave the tip at the restaurant. Get over yourself, Liz, it wasn’t even a date. The phone is ringing when they come in, but Liz lets the machine pick it up. It’s Jessica, begging Liz to talk to her.

Liz ignores Jessica and gives David a glass of wine. He asks whose voice that was on the answering machine and marvels at how much it sounded like Liz. Liz considers sleeping with him to get him to stop asking questions, but in the end the tip thing just bothers her too much and she tells him she’s tired and kicks him out. Once he’s gone, she curls up on her couch and feels sorry for herself.

FLASHBACK! We’re suddenly treated to a present-tense-first-person account of the day Todd Wilkins asked Jessica out back in high school. It’s kind of weird.

PRESENT DAY Back in Sweet Valley, Jessica is whining to Todd about Liz not answering any of her calls, texts, emails or Facebook friend requests. There’s kind of a lot of nonsense, but I gather that Liz and Todd were engaged at some point and Jessica slept with Todd. Then there’s another weird first-person-present-tense passage. It’s the exact same scene from before, this time from Jessica’s point of view. Anyway, Todd and Jessica are now living together and are going to be married in four weeks. Todd writes a successful sports column and the two of them spend most of their time trying to avoid the judgmental stares of their friends.

Todd and Jessica go to a party at Lila’s house, and we learn the latest about all our old faves:

  • Lila and Ken Matthews are in the middle of getting a divorce, but Ken is apparently still at the house most of the time. Ken is a successful NFL star. Lila doesn’t work, of course.
  • Caroline Pearce is a successful real estate broker and a cancer survivor. She’s still a big gossipmonger.
  • Jeffrey French is a successful dentist and is married to someone whose name Jessica can’t remember.
  • Enid Rollins and A. J. Morgan are having an affair or something and it’s bad for their image, but I don’t know why.
  • Robin Wilson is a successful caterer and restaurant critic, but somehow manages to keep herself slim.

You’ll notice that with the exception of A. J. and Enid, everyone’s life has the word successful in it. Sweet Valley is magic.

Everyone seems surprised to see Toddica, but Caroline is the only one who actually dares to ask about Elizabeth. Instead of answering, Jessica tells Caroline what a nosy bitch she is. Then she turns on Lila and hollers at her for inviting her to a party Caroline was going to attend, accusing her of wanting her there only for the drama.

All of Jessica’s chapters are like so infused with instances of like and so and they so make me want to like stab my eyes out.

Meanwhile, Liz goes to some crappy theater to interview William Connolly, a playwright who is currently auditioning actors for his debut play. He acts like a jackass and hardly even looks at Liz, but when he finally does, Liz freaks out a little because he looks exactly like Todd. Sigh. Of course he does. His resemblance to Todd throws Liz down memory lane and she thinks about a time in college when she was sick and made Jessica go to a party with Todd. As far as she knows, it’s the only time they spent any time alone. I guess that whole thing after the prom doesn’t count. And, of course, Liz doesn’t know about the other stuff.

Coincidentally, Todd and Jessica are also thinking of that party in college and…

FLASHBACK – COLLEGE, SENIOR YEAR Jessica doesn’t really want to go to the party, but Todd is the guest of honor and Liz really wants him to go. Neither Todd nor Jessica has any fun at first, but people keep assuming Jessica is Liz so she and Todd pretend to be a couple and have a good time tricking people. When they get in the car to leave, they apparently forget they were just pretending and they start making out like crazy. They eventually end up at the apartment Todd and Winston share. Winston isn’t home, so Todd goes ahead and has sex with his girlfriend’s twin sister. God, what a fucked up piece of fuck this guy is. Jessica’s wrong too, of course, but if I’ve accomplished nothing else with this blog, I know I’ve at least established that Jessica is insane.

For the next month, Todd and Jessica meet every day at a diner nobody they know ever goes to. They don’t have sex again, but it’s still an affair. The guilt finally gets to be too much for Jessica and she breaks it off.

PRESENT DAY Elizabeth runs into Will Connolly at the bar across the street from the theater. They both get a little tipsy and end up talking. Will isn’t really the jerkface he’s made himself out to be, and Liz thinks it’s okay to like him because his eyes are blue and not brown like Todd’s. They introduce themselves to the gorgeous Irish bartender (Liz mentions that her cheating twin would go crazy for him) and then Will invites Liz back to his apartment. They make out for a minute.

Liz’s mother calls that night and tells Liz she’d like her to come home for her grandmother’s eightieth birthday party. (She would also like Liz to come to Jessica’s wedding because she’s a fucking idiot.) Liz tells her there’s no way in hell she’s going to sit through a dinner with Todd and Jessica. Then she gets to thinking that it would really show those bastards if she came home with a new man. She calls Will and asks him if he wants to go. He says he can’t get away, but jokingly suggests Liz take Liam the bartender and try to make Jessica fall in love with him. Liz doesn’t take it as a joke.

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Jessica has married some guy named Regan and they’ve been traveling the world. It’s been about six months since the wedding, and that means it’s about time for Jessica to move on. Not one to waste time, she decides she has to leave Regan immediately. She’s in France, but she calls Liz, who tells her to just come home and stay with her. Todd isn’t super happy about this, but he agrees to be civil.

In this flashback, we learn that brother Steven married Cara Walker, but he apparently has frequent affairs and at this moment might be involved with Lila. What a tool. We also learn that nobody likes Winston anymore because he “changed radically” after making a bunch of money.

PRESENT DAY Liz goes to the bar and insinuates herself into Liam’s life. They hit it off after Liz finds out Liam’s parents live in L.A. and he owes them a visit soon. After about five minutes of friendship, Liam agrees to schedule his visit so it coincides with Liz’s grandmother’s party and he can be her date.

Jessica goes out for a friendly drink with one of her coworkers and wonders if she should hook up with this guy instead of Todd and then she could have Elizabeth back in her life. But alas, her love for Todd is too strong to be denied. Then she thinks about when she came back from France and lived with Todd and Liz for a while.

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Todd is working from home and the house is beginning to seem very small. Jessica and Todd try to avoid each other, but he gets on her nerves one day and she goes to the beach. That’s where she sees her brother in a loving embrace with…Aaron Dallas. Yep, Aaron is gay now and so is Steven. Steve asks Jessica not to tell anyone, but she thinks she’ll be doing him a favor if she tells Cara. Oh, Jessica. This is why you’re the bad twin. Well, this and the whole stealing-your-sister’s-fiancé thing.

PRESENT DAY Liz has lunch with Will and tells him she’ll be taking Liam with her to Sweet Valley. Will was only joking when he suggested getting Liam to seduce Jessica and he does not approve. Liz, who has been telling herself that she’s only bringing Liam home so she’ll have some company, gets defensive and actually says, “fuck you,” and storms out of the pub. Nice. She talks to Bruce Patman on the phone (they’re best friends now) and tells him she’ll be bringing a friend home for her grandmother’s party. Bruce gets a little weird. Liz is irritated and Bruce hangs up on her. Then we get to spend some time in Bruce’s head. And wouldn’t you know it? He’s in love with Liz!

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Bruce and Liz became friends a few years ago when Bruce’s parents were in a car accident. Liz came to the hospital every day for moral support. (Both Patman parents wound up dying.) Bruce has always known about Todd and Jessica’s affair in college (he saw them together at the diner), but he didn’t want to tell Liz because it would hurt her. But now that Jessica is staying with Todd and Liz, and Liz wants to set a wedding date, Bruce thinks it might be time to clue her in. He takes Liz out for pizza (I believe the pizza place used to be the Dairi Burger, but now it’s called Napkin) and tries to get up the courage to break her heart, but just then Ken Matthews comes running in to tell them that Winston is dead.

What the frak?

Meanwhile, Steven goes to Liz’s house to yell at Jessica for outing him to Cara. He calls her a selfish bitch and then leaves. Jessica starts crying and Todd hugs her to comfort her, and OF COURSE they start kissing. That’s when Liz comes home, crying about Winston. Todd and Jessica manage to cover up pretty well and Liz doesn’t notice anything is amiss, but Bruce is giving them the hairy eyeball.

PRESENT DAY Liz flies into LAX, where she’ll meet Liam. She’s going to change at the airport and drive directly to the club for the party. On the flight, she remembers – FLASHBACK! Winston’s funeral. Winston got super drunk and fell off his balcony. People are sad, but Winston had turned into such a total misogynistic jackass that most people are mourning the kid he used to be. Jessica starts looking at Liz intensely and yapping about forgiveness and junk. Liz thinks it’s weird, but figures it’s just funeral stuff.

PRESENT DAY Jessica is getting ready for “Grandmommy’s” party (ugh, grandmommy?) and thinks about the day Liz found out about her and Todd.

FLASHBACK Which is totally lame. Jessica’s husband shows up, I guess to talk to her, but she’s afraid of him so she asks Todd to be in the room. Regan walks in and immediately accuses Jessica of sleeping with Todd. I don’t know why. Words are exchanged and the boys start scufflin’. Liz comes home and breaks up their fight. Regan yells at her and says there’s something going on behind her back, and then he leaves. Liz asks Toddica what Regan was talking about and Jessica says he’s just crazy jealous, which seems reasonable. But Liz has one of those moments where she suddenly realizes how blind she’s been. She calls them cheating liars and storms out.

And that’s it, that’s how she found out. Maybe I’m sick in the head, but I was really kind of hoping she’d find them in bed together or something. Something more exciting than a “sudden realization”.

PRESENT DAY Dinner at the country club seems like it might be okay at first. The twins manage to ignore each other for the most part, but Liz is a little irritated that Liam seems completely smitten with Jessica. She was supposed to fall for him, not the other way around. He hangs on her all night, which pisses Todd off. Liz can’t help but smirk when Toddica start arguing, and the smirk gets Jessica going. Pretty soon, Liz is yelling at Todd, Steven is yelling at Jessica, Bruce and Aaron are telling people to shut up, and Alice is trying to keep everyone from killing each other. She yells at Ned to “bring out the fucking cake.” Grandmommy Robertson is the only one not yelling. When Liz leaves to go back to New York, Todd and Jessica aren’t speaking to each other, and Liz is pissed at Liam for flirting with Jessica so much.

Liz still has to interview Will for her job, and she can tell he wants to apologize for accusing her of being crazy for revenge. She doesn’t want him to do that because then she’ll have to say he was right. So she does the interview and then goes back to his place and has sex with him. I’m not sure why she feels like she always has to have sex with a guy to make him shut up.

She gets home from Will’s to find Jessica asleep outside her apartment door. Jessica says she’s left Todd and wants Liz’s forgiveness. It only takes about thirty seconds of Jessica crying for Liz to forgive her. And just like that, they’re talking everything through. Liz, who only needed to find a new man to realize she really doesn’t love Todd anymore, tells Jessica to go back to Todd. Jessica leaves the next morning and Todd is waiting for her outside Liz’s apartment building. He gives her a big hug and they go home to Sweet Valley. Liz meets Will later and tells him everything. He still thinks she’s the bee’s knees and they go back to Liz’s.

Will and Liz become friends with benefits, and things are going really well. Her article comes out and she gets another job offer from a magazine. By the time Will’s play opens, Liz has decided she’s not in love with Will, but they have a really good friendship. On opening night, Will’s parents show up with the fiancé Will left behind when he came to New York to be a famous playwright. It’s clear to Liz that Will and Wendy love each other. She’s happy for them.

When Liz goes home for Jessica’s wedding, Bruce tells Liz he’s selling his house and moving to New York because he’s in love with someone who lives there. Liz is an idiot and Bruce has to spell it out for her that Liz is the one he loves. They go up to Bruce’s bedroom where they get naked and we learn that Liz has “taut nipples.”

EPILOGUE: FOR ALL SWEET VALLEY FANS OF OLD

Everyone in the world shows up to Jessica’s wedding, and Francine gives us a little bio of what’s been going on with all our old friends…

  • Bill Chase – Lost his right leg to a shark during a triathlon three years ago. Now teaches surfing to handicapped teens. Married someone named Lianne Kane.
  • Roger Collins – Mr. Collins has quit teaching and is a successful writer. His son is now nineteen and named Sam (pretty sure he used to be named Teddy).
  • Jeffrey French – Lila’s date for the wedding. Now Francine tells us he’s single, even though Jessica talked to his wife in the second chapter.
  • Dee Dee Gordon – Working as an artist
  • Charlie Markus – Married Annie Whitman. He writes for a car magazine but wants to be a novelist. He is referred to as the boy who “saved” Annie, but I think Francine has confused him with Ricky Capaldo.
  • Betsy Martin – An alcoholic who sleeps around. I guess art school wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
  • A. J. Morgan – Sells shoes at the Nike store in the mall.
  • Roger Barrett Patman – A successful Hollywood producer. He married Zoe Jones, a rock star.
  • Caroline Pearce – Caroline’s cancer is in remission these days. She puts out a gossip blog six days a week.
  • Enid Rollins – Enid is a successful gynecologist, but she’s arrogant and extremely right-wing. She plans to run for city council, and that’s why she wants to keep her relationship with A. J. a secret. She doesn’t think a shoe salesman is an appropriate partner for someone as important as she is.
  • Nicky Shepard – I don’t know why we care about this guy since he was really only important in one book, but Francine tells us he hit rock bottom two years ago and is now living in Utah, teaching at an AA center.
  • Cara Walker – She and Steven are now divorced, but she still remains friendly with Ned and Alice.
  • Annie Whitman – Annie is a lawyer in San Francisco. She and Charlie have a two-year-old boy.
  • Robin Wilson – Catered Jessica’s wedding. She’s also senior editor of Bon Appétit.
  • George Warren – A representative for a Silicon Valley company. Lives in England.

We get a rundown of some dead folks. Winston, Regina and Tricia are mentioned, but strangely, Olivia Davidson is not. Maybe because of her zombie appearance in SVU. Surprisingly, Suzanne Devlin is among the dead. We’re told she returned to Sweet Valley six years after the Mr. Collins scandal, but she had multiple sclerosis and crashed her car after taking her medication with champagne. Wait, I thought she just had mono. I’m confused.

And now the Wakefields…

  • Ned Wakefield – Still a successful lawyer. He’s so awesome that even the mayor came to the wedding.
  • Alice Wakefield – Now has her own interior design company. It is, of course, successful. Alice was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago, but she had a lumpectomy and some radiation and is good to go.
  • Steven Wakefield – Steve and Aaron are living together and hoping that someday they’ll be able to get married.
  • Elizabeth Wakefield – Liz was Jessica’s maid of honor. I think that’s gross, but what do I know? She and Bruce are totally in love.
  • Jessica Wakefield – Was fifteen minutes late for her own wedding because, as you know, nothing starts until she gets there.

Quotes:

Unless, of course, she were to arrive, unexpectedly, at her grandmother’s party on the arm of a handsome New York playwright. That certainly wouldn’t be pathetic.

It’s a little pathetic if he looks exactly like the ex-boyfriend you’re so eager to show up.

…its main financial backing had come from Richard Fowler, Lila’s father.

Didn’t his name used to be George?

One time when we were in high school, this lunatic madman came at her with a sledgehammer. I jumped in between them, and I didn’t even have a weapon. All I had was crazy fury and determination to save my sister’s life.

What’s funny is that I thought I would try to give you guys a link to the book this is from and make a snarky comment about it, but the twins escaped death so many times that I don’t know which book to link to.

I’m in my black Porsche convertible, the last vestige of the old Bruce that I can’t give up.

1BRUCE1 is still alive, people!

“I remember once I had this thing with Caroline way back when we were in the seventh grade. She told everyone that I let A. J. Morgan touch my breast.”

That’s so weird, you know, because he didn’t move to Sweet Valley until junior year.

She was twenty-seven years old and this was the first person she’d ever told to go fuck himself. What was wrong with her?

Oh, Liz. You’ve just been suffering from Valleyitis. Folks from the SV don’t say fuck. Except Alice Wakefield, apparently.

The Cover: Is boring. I really do like the endpapers though.

 

The End.

Sweet Valley Twins #2: Teacher’s Pet

Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011

The Moral of the Story: If you whine loud enough, your twin sister will make sure you get anything you want.

The Big Deal: Dance recital

Synopsis:

The twins’ ballet class is going to be performing Coppelia in a few weeks. Jessica is dying to play the lead, but Madame Andre seems to have eyes only for Elizabeth. Liz thinks the reason Jessica gets ignored is because she’s always dancing next to Amy Sutton. Jessica does this because she thinks Amy’s crappy dancing will make her look better by comparison, but Liz thinks Madame Andre is too busy criticizing Amy to notice how good Jessica is. Jessica could just go dance next to someone else, but the twins decide to make Amy a better dancer instead.

Naturally, Jessica bails on Amy’s first practice in the Wakefield basement, so Liz does her best to go it alone. Despite Liz’s best attempts to help out, Amy still sucks at ballet when her mother comes to pick her up. She does manage to do a plié correctly at the next class, and Jessica becomes filled with rage when Madame Andre compliments Elizabeth for helping Amy out. This somehow sparks a fight and now the twins aren’t speaking to one another.

On the day of the Coppelia audition, Liz and her mother go to the mall while Jessica stays home to put in some extra practice time. Madame Andre calls and says that for no good reason she’s changing the time of the audition from three to eleven. Jessica leaves a note for Liz and her mom, but she’s sure they won’t make it back in time and Madame Andre will have no choice but to give the lead to Jessica. She’s super pissed when Liz still manages to show up and audition.

Liz gets the part and Jessica’s life is totally ruined. She tells anyone who will listen how unfair Madame Andre is, but nobody cares. The stupid Coppelia doll disappears and Liz wonders if Jessica stole it, though how she would have stashed a life-sized doll under her tutu isn’t even pondered. Amy, who knows she sucks at ballet, offers to sit in a chair and take the doll’s place. Liz practices her solo every day while the rest of the class rehearses their part, and she finally sees that Jessica really is a much better dancer and Madame Andre was being unfair all along.

Liz pretends to hurt her ankle just before the recital, and she begs Jessica to go on and take her place. Jessica is only too happy to comply. Amy feels bad that Liz won’t get to dance at all, so she decides to dance in the corps and let Liz be Coppelia. Jessica dances beautifully, and when Madame Andre finds out it was Jessica and not Elizabeth, she chastises herself for being so blind. Amy confesses to stealing the doll and everyone goes back to the studio for a party.

Quotes:

“We need to leave for the Dance Studio in fifteen minutes.”

What an original name for a dance studio.

“I’m sure that nobody else has a chance against you,” Lila Fowler said confidently. “After all, you’re the only Unicorn in the class. Everybody knows that Unicorns are very pretty and very special.”

I’m not sure Madame Andre cares about that.

Jessica, about the Mercandy house: Don’t those windows upstairs look creepy? They look like devil’s eyes, and they’re staring straight at us.”

That goat has devil eyes.

Jessica and the number 37:

“Madame likes you three hundred thirty-seven times more than she likes me!”

The Cover: Look at the mug on Jessica! Liz is looking kind of smug, so I guess I’d be pissed, too.

Sweet Valley Twins #1: Best Friends

Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

The Moral of the Story: It’s rough being the nice twin, especially when you don’t know your sister is evil.

Synopsis:

Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield are just the cutest identical twins alive and they do everything together. They share a room, they dress alike, they join all the same clubs and have all the same hobbies. So when Liz says the school is letting her start a school newspaper just for the sixth graders and asks Jessica to write for it, she’s shocked when Jessica says she’d rather hang out with Lila Fowler and join the Unicorn Club. Liz decides to ask her friends Amy Sutton and Julie Porter to help her out, figuring Jessica will want to join once she sees what a success the paper is.

At lunch the next day, the twins sit at separate tables for the first time ever so Liz can talk to Julie and Amy about the paper. Jessica sits with the Unicorns and tries to get an invitation to join the club. The day after that, Jessica stands Liz up after school to go to the Dairi Burger with the Unicorns. Just as she hoped, they ask her to join and give her three pledge tasks to complete. Janet Howell, the club’s president, tells Jessica she can’t tell anyone what her pledge tasks are, not even Liz. Jessica asks about Elizabeth’s pledge tasks, and Janet says Liz isn’t going to be asked to join. Jessica is shocked at first, but then realizes Liz wouldn’t like being a Unicorn anyway.

Jessica’s first pledge task is to take Mrs. Arnette’s lesson plan book off her desk and get it back into the teacher’s bag by the end of class. Jessica manages to get the job done with help from Lila and Winston. Her next task is to stand outside the girls’ restroom, tell people it’s flooded and get at least three girls to use the boys’ room instead. That one gets done pretty easily, too. The only task left is to come to school looking so different from Liz that nobody can tell they’re twins. Oh, calamity.

On Monday morning, Liz dresses in her yellow sweat suit (ugh) and takes the same outfit from Jessica’s closet and lays it out for her. As soon as Liz goes down to breakfast, Jessica jumps out of bed and dresses in something completely different. Then she curls her hair and puts on some makeup. She waits to go downstairs until it’s too late for Liz to change. Liz is hurt but Jessica doesn’t really notice because she’s so happy she’s completed all her tasks.

When the twins get to school, Liz locks herself in a bathroom stall and starts to cry. Then some girls come in talking about Jessica’s new look. They say they think it’s great that they can finally tell the Wakefield twins apart. When they’re gone, Liz decides to make the best of things by doing her hair in a style Jessica doesn’t usually like to wear. She decides it’s okay with her if she and Jessica stop dressing the same.

Meanwhile…

Jessica has asked her mother for dance classes and Alice has complied. The twins get to the studio just before their first class starts, but Jessica tells Liz to go ahead while she finishes getting ready. She finally comes into the classroom during roll call, and Madame Andre freaks out because Jessica is wearing a purple leotard, purple legwarmers, a purple scarf around her waist and purple barrettes with purple streamers. Also, blue eyeshadow all the way up to her eyebrows. Madame Andre yells at her, and it flusters Jessica so much that she messes up on all her ballet moves for the whole class.

Caroline Pearce comes up to Liz at lunch and says she thinks it’s super exciting that Jessica has been asked to be a Unicorn. Liz goes home crying that night about Jessica not wanting to spend time with her anymore. She talks to her mom, who says it’s really okay that the twins have separate interests. Liz doesn’t really like it, but she goes upstairs and tells Jessica she’s going to try not to let it bother her. Jessica offers to try to get her in.

Jessica goes to her first Unicorn meeting, and Liz asks Amy to come over to talk about newspaper stuff. Amy is a joy to hang out with and Liz has a really good time spending the evening with someone other than Jessica. She’s a little sad she won’t have time to do that kind of thing once Jessica makes her a Unicorn.

Liz won’t leave Jessica alone, so Jessica finally asks the Unicorns to let Liz join. They aren’t happy about the idea, but Jessica threatens to quit. Janet thinks that would make the club look bad, so they give Liz one pledge task. She has to go to the Dairi Burger with Lois Waller and replace the whipped cream on her sundae with shaving cream. Liz says no. She refuses to make Lois eat shaving cream. Jessica decides to do it herself. She calls Janet and tells her Liz is going to do it on Wednesday.

On Wednesday, while Liz is at a dentist appointment, Jessica poses as her twin and goes to the Dairi Burger with Lois. When Lois takes a bite of her sundae and starts spitting out the shaving cream, the Unicorns at the next table start laughing. Lois leaves all upset that Liz would embarrass her like that. A few days later, Jessica tells Liz she’s been voted into the club. Liz figures they must have realized their pledge idea would have hurt Lois’ feelings. Yeah, right.

Liz goes to her first Unicorn meeting and can’t believe that all they do is talk about boys and movies. Ellen comes up to Liz and congratulates her on a job well done at the Dairi Burger. Liz gets mad and goes home, where she cries to her mother. Again. Alice tells her again that twins can have different interests. Again.

Liz calls Lois and tells her it was Jessica at the Dairi Burger. Then she tells Jessica to apologize to Lois. If she doesn’t, Liz will stay in the Unicorn club and tell everyone else it was Jessica and not Liz who tricked Lois. Jessica apologizes. Liz isn’t satisfied, so she calls Lois and cooks up a scheme to get back at them. It really just boils down to Lila eating shaving cream on her sundae and Amy taking pictures for the newspaper. Good times.

Meanwhile, the twins are fighting about their room. Liz doesn’t like it being so messy all the time and Jessica, I don’t know, doesn’t like Liz’s books or something. Alice and Ned decide it’s time the girls have their own rooms. They’ll move Jessica into the guest room down the hall. What the hell? They’ve had an extra bedroom this whole time and just made the twins share because they’re twins? Not cool, man.

Somewhere in there, we hear about how some girl named Roberta Manning got kicked out of the Unicorns because she made out with a high school boy, and we find out the high school boy is Steven Wakefield. I guess he’s always liked them young.

Setup for the next book: The twins’ dance studio (which is called The Dance Studio) is putting on a production of Coppelia and Jessica wants the lead. Also, Amy’s mother is making her take ballet.

Quotes:

She undid her ponytail and let her hair fall free. Then she parted it in the middle, pulled it back from her face, and fastened it with a clip. It was a hairstyle she loved and Jessica hated…

“Hey, Liz!” Lois’s eyes were wide. “You should wear your hair like that all the time.”

So it’s Lois’ fault Elizabeth spends the next six years with her hair pulled back in clips and barrettes.

The Cover: I think the twins are so much cuter on these covers than they are on the SVH covers. I also think those sweaters look really comfortable.

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #48: Sweet 18

Friday, June 4th, 2010

The Moral of the Story: Who cares? I’m done! Last book of the series!

The Big Deal: Graduation! Birthday party! Woohoo!

Synopsis:

Monday: Maria is freaking out about her valedictorian speech. She hasn’t even started it yet. She wants to be there for Ken, who is clearly upset about the upcoming anniversary of Olivia’s death, but she can’t focus on him while she still has this speech to write.

Liz tells her parents she got into Oxford, and Alice tells Jessica. Jessica freaks out and tells Liz she doesn’t want anything to do with her on their birthday, which is Thursday. Jessica calls Jeremy and gets pissed when he says his parents planned a graduation party for him on Thursday night. Jessica somehow turns this around to mean that Jeremy doesn’t care about her anymore. Oh, boy.

Tuesday: Liz decides to make things better with Jessica by planning a surprise party for their birthday. Again? Didn’t we try this last year? I recall it ending in tragedy. Liz talks to Conner and Tia and they decide to have it at the Riot. Maria sits around feeling sorry for herself all day because she needs help with her speech, and she’s annoyed when Liz says she needs to work on the party plans and can’t help her. Jessica decides she’s going to throw a party and not invite Liz, but Tia tells her Liz is already throwing one and the entire senior class is going. Jessica is pissed that Liz is having a party and not inviting her. Oh, Jessica.

Tia, Andy and Conner are all excited about their post-graduation road trip. It’s supposed to be just the three of them, but Tia has told Trent he can come along. She tells Andy, and he says that in that case, Dave is coming, too. Before Andy can tell Conner, Conner says he appreciates Tia and Andy leaving Trent and Dave behind for three weeks so the three of them can have their special best friend alone time.

Jessica’s home ec teacher tells Liz that Jessica never made up her risotto assignment, and she won’t be able to graduate unless she makes it up the next day. Liz knows Jessica has plans with Jeremy the next afternoon, so she decides to pull a twin switch and do it herself.

Wednesday: Liz has a meeting with a rep from Oxford. She kind of hopes the meeting will suck so she’ll have an excuse not to go, but the rep tells her all the wonderful things about Oxford and makes Liz want to go there more than ever.

Conner overhears Tia talking about how excited Trent is about the road trip, and he loses his shit. He tells Tia and Andy to uninvite their boyfriends, but they don’t want to. So Conner says they can all go together and he’ll just stay home.

Liz is the salutatorian, so she and Maria meet in the library to work on their speeches together. Liz says she hasn’t even started hers yet, and Maria flies off the handle because Liz isn’t taking it seriously enough. Then Liz gets really stupid and says she should have been valedictorian. So now Liz and Maria are in a fight. Liz heads to the home ec room to make a risotto.

Jessica goes to dinner with Jeremy and his family, who are all in town for graduation. As the family catches up on stuff, Jessica keeps thinking of how awful it’s going to be next year when she’s separated from both Liz and Jeremy. She gets up and leaves the table, and Jeremy follows her. He asks her what’s wrong, and she decides she’s pissed at him for not inviting her to his graduation party the next night. He says he figured she’d want to do something else since it’s her birthday, but Jessica is beyond reasoning. She runs to the parking lot in tears.

Evan gets off Berkeley’s waiting list. Thanks, Tia.

Thursday: Jessica wakes up in a terrible mood. Liz tries to make up over breakfast, and she tells Jessica she saved her from having to make a risotto. Jessica accuses Liz of thinking she’s so flaky that she can’t even do her own schoolwork. An argument ensues and Jessica takes the Jeep and goes to school.

Today is for graduation practice, but neither Liz nor Maria have their speeches prepared. Liz tells Maria not to worry about it, and subtly points out Conner, who is backstage cutting the wires to the microphone. Principal Chrome Dome suddenly can’t be heard, and Maria is worried Conner will be caught. Liz tells her not to worry, and at that moment, Jade stands up in the middle of the seated seniors and yells that Evan can’t stop her if she wants to go commando under her graduation robe. She starts a “Naked!” chant, and in all the confusion, Conner manages to get back to his seat before anyone notices he’s gone. Maria and Liz apologize to each other for their fight, and then Maria takes off for the library to work on her speech.

The twins run into each other in the line for yearbooks, and Liz apologizes. It seems like Jessica is just about to lighten up and talk to her, but then the home ec teacher comes running down the hall. She says the risotto was horrible and Jessica will have to try again that afternoon. Jessica is pissed and hates Liz all over again.

Tia, Trent, Andy and Dave go to the Riot to start setting things up, and Trent and Dave say they’ve been looking over the itinerary and have some changes they’d like to make. Tia and Andy get irritated and decide they’ll just have to tell their boyfriends they can’t come. They don’t have to, though. After listening to Tia, Andy and Conner tell stories about each other for a while, they announce the three of them should go alone.

In really sickening news, Jade’s mother has written a book and a publisher has offered her a lot of money to turn it into a series. That’s not the sickening part. The sickening part is this: “It’s about a pair of twins who have very different personalities…But they’re still closer to each other than to anyone else in the world…” Barf.

While she’s cooking, Jessica says something about the dress she wore yesterday, and Ms. Goldberg realizes it was Elizabeth who made the awful risotto. Jessica explains that she and Liz have been fighting, and Ms. Goldberg actually makes her feel better about things. Jessica goes to Jeremy’s graduation that night, and they make up afterward. Then she goes home and gets ready to go to the Riot and make up with Liz. She falls asleep instead.

Liz is at the party, feeling miserable about Oxford. She decides she’ll miss Jessica too much if she goes. She goes home to tell her so. The twins make up and talk about how much fun they’ll have at Sweet Valley University next year.

Friday: Graduation day. At the ceremony, the twins sit next to Todd because of stupid alphabetical order, and Todd asks Liz to go out with him after graduation. She accepts. Dammit, we just got rid of one codependency, and now you’re going back to an old one? UGH.

Liz never actually got around to working on a speech and all she has is a bunch of note cards. She’s nervous about making a fool of herself, so Jessica takes her notes and pulls another twin switch. Two in one book! Jessica, as Elizabeth, gives an awesome speech and everyone applauds.

THE FREAKING END!!!!!

Quotes:

A few of our old friends make cameo appearances in this book, even Robin Wilson, who came all the way back from Denver. It’s like graduation day on Boy Meets World. I wonder if they’ve been hanging out with Minkus in the other hallway?

When Enid turned into the classroom, her shirt slipped down, exposing a little skull tattoo on her back. Elizabeth shot Maria a look. She didn’t know if Enid’s tattoo was real, but if there was a yearbook award for most changed, Enid would definitely win. She’d gone from geeky to goth in less than a year.

Winston Egbert handed Elizabeth her test paper and flashed her a quick thumbs-up for luck.

Robin Wilson grimaced and held her gown up to her slim body. Her soft brown hair tumbled down over her face as she looked down at the shiny fabric. “Please, Liz. I mean, you spend all this time and effort dropping weight, and then they make you wear a muumuu to graduation.”

Bruce Patman, of all people, walked in – someone she hadn’t seen since he left for college and hadn’t liked much before then. He was all prepped out in a light blue button-down and khakis, and the second he saw Ken Matthews and Aaron Dallas, he dove into the crowd and started shaking hands like a politician.

And there is actually some mention of the more bizarre happenings from junior year:

Almost every single good memory Jessica cherished had occurred inside the sprawling building. And some bad ones, of course – kidnappings, bomb threats, gang wars, that crazy Margot [sic] chick who had come to town and tried to pretend she was Elizabeth. Junior year had definitely been tumultuous.

Definitely.

[Elizabeth] turned her full attention to Maria, whose expression made her look almost exactly the same as she had when she’d broken the news to Elizabeth and Jessica that their dog, Prince Albert, had run away during the earthquake last year – very uncomfortable.

So that’s what happened to the dog. I wonder why Maria had to be the one to break the news.

“We’ve lost many friends – Olivia Davidson, Roger Patman, Ronnie Edwards, Regina Morrow, to name a few.”

I don’t remember Roger Patman dying.

The Cover: Sorry about the terrible image. This book is all shiny and metallic and didn’t scan well. I went to The Closet, but theirs is the same.

This cover is totally lame. I have no idea which twin is which. I’d guess the one on the right is Jessica, but after 180+ books in the original series telling me Liz always wears her hair in a ponytail, I don’t quite believe it. Also, I think the one on the right looks kind of stoned.