The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Big basketball tournament

Synopsis:

In the prologue, the SVH cheerleading squad is tied up in somebody’s basement, which is filling with water while “Free Bird” plays on a radio upstairs. Oh boy. I can’t wait to see how this happened…

One day, Liz is called to the principal’s office after school. Mr. Cooper introduces her to Diane and Brad, a writer and photographer from Scoop magazine. They’re in Sweet Valley because they’re going to write an article about “The Girls of Seventy-Six.” The “Girls” are the SVH cheerleading squad of 1976, who did nothing more extraordinary than win the state competition that year. Diane happened to be on that squad, but I still can’t imagine why a national magazine would care about it. Anyway, the article is a “where are they now?” kind of thing, and Mr. Cooper has offered Liz up as a research assistant. In exchange, she’ll get a credit in the magazine.

Liz leaves for the library to start her research right away. Brad follows her and obnoxiously starts flirting and asking her where da party at. He’s confused and thinks Liz is the cheerleader who was just showing off for him on the football field. Just so you’re aware, Brad is the best looking guy we’ve ever seen. Liz gets rid of him. In the library, she tells Ms. Swanson, the new shy library assistant, all about the article. We can assume Ms. Swanson mysteriously has something to do with the Girls of Seventy-Six because she wears hippie clothes, says things like “far out,” listens to classic rock and has a bad reaction to Liz’s talk about the article.

Jessica and her cheerleaders are all upset because the school board just made a rule that all school activities must now have a faculty adviser. Finally! They can’t think of anyone who would still let them do sexy moves and wear skimpy outfits and this pains them. Liz suggests Ms. Swanson. Jessica thinks that’s a great idea because she figures she’ll be too shy to tell the cheerleaders what to do. At her very first practice, Ms. Swanson starts to get weird when she confuses the cheerleaders with the Girls of Seventy-Six. Meanwhile, Liz finds out there was another girl on the ’76 squad who dropped out because she had some kind of weird disease. Of course, nobody remembers her name, but I’ll bet you anything it’s Nancy Swanson. Anyway, all this research is taking up too much of Liz’s time and Todd gets pissy like he always does and they have a big fight.

Amy and Jade don’t show up for cheerleading practice on Friday, but Nancy tells the rest of the squad that she sent them up the coast to pick up the new uniforms. Later that night, Nancy sits in her beanbag chair listening to her Doobie Brothers records loud enough to drown out the noises coming from her basement. She remembers being seventeen and suddenly having this unnamed mysterious disease that makes her twitch and stuff. The other girls kicked her off the cheerleading squad and one of them Loretta, stole her boyfriend, George. So I guess it all traumatized her so bad that she wants to punish the current cheerleaders. Whatever. I mean, that’s pretty shitty, but don’t be a crazed maniac because of it. The next day, she kidnaps Heather and throws her in the basement with Amy and Jade. Amy’s and Heather’s mothers both call Jessica to find out if she knows where their daughters might be, but Jessica is too wrapped up in her dates with Brad to concern herself with such things.

Liz accompanies Diane and Brad to Gina Bari’s house. Gina’s sister is Loretta, the captain of the ’76 squad. She tells our gang that Loretta died shortly after graduation, but that she was never the same after “the accident.” Apparently, Loretta and George were driving around when George grabbed the wheel and steered the car off a bridge. George died instantly, and later there was some mysterious ugly girl whose name nobody can remember on Loretta’s front lawn screaming at Loretta for killing her boyfriend. The September after she took her squad to nationals, Loretta got drunk and drowned in the quarry. The story gives Liz flashbacks to the accident that killed Sam. She’s all sad and stuff and decides to stop being mad at Todd because she needs him. Todd hangs up on her when she calls. Ha! But damn, they make up the next day.

On Sunday, Annie and Jessica meet at the mall and realize all the other cheerleaders are missing except Lila. Then Jessica goes home and gets pissed that Lila isn’t there like she said she’d be. *facepalm* Jessica is about to get ready for a date with Brad when a car pulls up outside. Lila’s at the wheel and Annie’s in the backseat. Nancy is in the passenger seat and she tells Jessica to hop in so they can talk. Jessica says she has to be somewhere else, but Nancy pulls out a gun and tells her she’d better just go ahead and get in the fucking car.

So now we’ve caught up to the prologue. The cheerleaders are in the basement and “Free Bird” is playing upstairs while water pours out of a pipe. For some reason, when none of the cheerleaders come home Sunday night, all their parents come to the conclusion that they’re at Maria’s house having a big party because her parents are out of town. Nobody goes over there or anything, but they take the fact that nobody is answering the phone there as proof of this party. Then, when all the cheerleaders skip school on Monday, everyone thinks they’re just a bunch of wild and crazy gals. Nobody worries.

Jessica manages to get herself untied and she unties everyone else. They all gather at the top of the stairs near the apparently watertight door, but the water level is still rising. Liz shows up because she had a flash of brilliance and deduced that Nancy was the missing cheerleader from 1976 and she wants to talk to her for the article. When she gets there, all that happens is that she gets thrown into the basement with the others. Well done.

Since Nancy seems to be living in the past and keeps calling the cheerleaders by the names of the girls on the ’76 squad, Liz comes up with the idea of going along with it and pretending they want Nancy on the squad. The plan gets Amy’s Project-Youth-volunteer seal of approval, so they all start chanting some cheer and then yelling for Nancy to join them. Finally, Nancy opens the door and the water rushes out and knocks her over. The cheerleaders go free and Nancy gets arrested. Hooray!

I guess that’ll show the school board what happens when you try to impose a little adult supervision over the cheerleaders.

Quotes:

“Cowabunga! Brad is looking better and better every minute!”

Did anyone besides Ninja Turtles ever actually say “cowabunga?” Especially as late as October of 1997?

“Why can’t he cut me a little slack now and then when I’m working on a writing project that matters to me? He does this every single time!”

He really does. Maybe it’s time to BREAK UP!!

The Cover: Very compelling picture, I guess. But not really what happened in the book.

The Moral of the Story: If you hire women as prison guards, they’ll fall in love with the inmates and all hell will break loose.

Synopsis:

This book could have been at least seventy-five pages shorter than it was. Not very much happens and fully half the damn thing takes place on horseback. There’s so much filler and pointless dialogue; I think the ghostwriter was just trying to up the word count.

John Marin is back in jail, but the Wakefields are all jumpy and freaked out. Ned arranges for everyone (except poor Steve) to take a trip to Catalina Island. Their first day there, the twins decide to go horseback riding. Unbeknownst to them, John Marin has escaped from prison with the help of a female guard who has fallen in love with him (don’t even get me started on that). Marin makes his way to Catalina Island because he’s so charming and handsome that people just can’t seem to help breaking rules for him. He finds out where the twins are and bribes a stable hand to give him a horse.

The twins, of course, leave the safety of their guided ride because it’s boring. They promptly get lost in the woods and end up on a nearly impassable rocky trail. Marin finds them and chases them for a while. Jessica’s horse balks and refuses to go anymore, so Jessica jumps on Liz’s horse, and then Liz jumps them off a thirty-foot cliff to get away from Marin. Naturally, everyone is perfectly fine after this stunt.

Ned freaks out when he realizes Marin is on the island so he also bribes the stable hand. He sets off on his horse and finds the girls. It’s about this time that Alice also freaks out and decides she’s going to join the search. Luckily, Ned and the twins arrive back at the stable before she can take yet another horse out. Ned decides they should all get off the island, so Joe the stable hand takes them to his fiancé’s mother’s house because she rents houseboats to tourists. The Wakefields set out for the mainland.

Marin somehow figures out where the Wakefields got a boat, knocks Joe’s future mother-in-law over the head and steals a small motorboat from her. When he catches up to the Wakefields’ houseboat, he cuts the motor and somehow makes it look like he’s in trouble. Ned sees the motorboat barely staying afloat in the inevitable storm that’s now raging and decides he has to help whoever’s out there. He takes a small dinghy from the houseboat to the motorboat, and when he gets there, Marin sneaks around him and steals the dinghy. Ned realizes he’s been had when he sees the motorboat has a broken radio and is filling with water.

On the houseboat, Marin threatens the womenfolk and ties them up. He splashes gasoline everywhere and starts lighting matches. He’s about to toss one onto Jessica when Ned suddenly bursts onto the scene and knocks him out. Ned gets Alice and the girls to the dinghy, then goes back for Marin because he’s too wholesome and good to just let the bastard die. It doesn’t matter though. Marin is already dead when Ned gets to him. Ned jumps into the water and swims to the dinghy. The Wakefields are finally safe.

Quotes:

“Liz, you have nothing to apologize for,” Todd said. “I was the jerk – for not realizing how bored you were.”

Yes, Todd. It’s your fault Liz cheated on you. Just keep telling her that to ensure that she keeps doing it. Idiot.

[Alice] folded the skimpy dress into Jessica’s light-blue suitcase…She shook her head at the thought of her own daughter wearing such a thing. But she never would have dreamed of forbidding her. In eighteen years of motherhood, Mrs. Wakefield had learned to choose her battles…Some parents flew off the handle over clothes and haircuts. But such trappings were trivial.

You don’t have to fly off the handle in order to tell your daughter not to dress like a skank.

The Cover: I think the twins are making a porno while a Sam Winchester lookalike waves his knife around. Maybe he thinks they’re demons.

Sam Winchester

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Summer vacation

Synopsis:

So, this book has a prologue, which is weird. A man named John Marin sits in a prison cell staring at the newspaper clippings he’s gathered over the last few months. Each one contains something about the Wakefield twins. They sure are in the paper a lot. Anyway…

It’s the first day of summer vacation again, and this time the twins are for once NOT going to work at a newspaper. They’ve taken jobs as waitresses at the Marina Café. Alice will be spending the summer working on a new job at a mansion that’s being remodeled, Steve will be working at Ned’s law firm and Ned will be fretting about the twins because John Marin just got out of jail. Marin, who is now twenty-eight but still looks like he’s twenty, killed a mother and daughter ten years ago and Ned was the attorney that put him away. Marin didn’t like that much and threatened Ned’s family and now here we are.

The twins’ boss, Mr. Jenkins, can’t get tell them apart. Rather, he obviously can since he’s pretty consistent in calling Liz Jess and Jess Liz. Whatever, I don’t even care. Liz is awed by another waitress, Jane, who’s on her fourth summer at the Marina Café. Jane tells Liz she just graduated from college and Liz just can’t believe it because Jane doesn’t look twenty-two. Jane laughs and confirms that she’s really twenty-six. Oh, shut up. Jessica flirts with a customer named Scott Maderlake who looks about twenty and has blue eyes. He says he’s an intern scouting out locations for his boss’s next film, which will take place at a high school. Of course, Jessica offers to show him Sweet Valley High. He’s like Jessica’s dream man. When Ned gets home from work that night, he finds that John Marin has broken into the house and left him a threatening note.

This book sucks already.

Liz is tired of her boring life (again) and wants to do something adventurous (again). After she and Todd see some movie for the fourth time, they go to the Dairi Burger, where Liz looks across the room and sees her soulmate, some guy who looks about twenty with blue eyes. She doesn’t speak to him or anything, but she knows he was meant for her. He shows up at the café the next day, sailing up on his boat, The Emily Dickinson. Both twins notice a creepy old man watching them all day, and Liz actually runs into him in the storage room. She runs out and straight into the arms of soulmate guy. His name is actually Ben Morgan and he seems like Liz’s dream man. Neither twin wants to tell the other about her new boyfriend.

After showing Scott the high school and then having dinner with him, Jessica goes home and discovers her lavaliere is missing. Ned later finds the lavaliere, along with a note that says “Such a lovely young neck,” in an envelope with his name on it. He calls the private investigator he’s had watching the twins. His name is Jim Battaglia and he tells Ned that Jessica has been seeing a guy, but he doesn’t look anything like the mug shot Jim received (Marin intercepted the real mug shot and replaced it with someone else’s). Jim offers to investigate the boyfriend, but Ned says not to bother since he’s “no different from the other hundred or so that she’s been out with in the last year.”

The days go by and nothing much happens. Jessica secretly goes out with Scott, Liz secretly goes out with Ben, Marin sends Ned threatening notes, Ned freaks out. The twins are being followed and watched by at least two men, one having been hired by Marin and one by Ned’s P.I. We’re not supposed to know which is which. Then one day Jim calls and tells Ned that Marin’s been taken into custody. He had a lavaliere on him. Yeah, right. You know it’s the wrong guy.

The twins are locking up the café the next night. Jessica sees a man with a knife in the storage room. She screams and the guy runs away. They call the police and then go down to the station. The cops have them pick the guy out of a lineup, but the guy they pick is “Marin,” who’s been in jail since the night before. The cops finally figure out the guy they have isn’t Marin, but some guy named Pilchard. Marin hired him to watch the twins and gave him Jessica’s necklace as part of his payment. Ned, intending to demand how the mugshot got mixed up, drives to Jim’s house and finds the P.I. dead. There’s a note from Marin next to the body.

On the way home from the police station, Liz tells Jessica about Ben and asks her to cover for her while she goes sailing with him. Later that night, Jessica is confronted by Ned and a couple cops. They tell her about Marin and show her Marin’s picture and she’s all, “Don’t be silly, that’s my new boyfriend!” It finally sinks in that her new boyfriend is a murderer, but she still insists that Liz’s secret boyfriend is someone different altogether. Jane the waitress is the only one who’s seen Ben, so they find her at the Beach Disco and she confirms that the guy in the mugshot is Ben.

Liz and Marin are about to make out on “Ben’s” boat when a Coast Guard boat carrying Ned, Jessica and some cops shows up. Marin threatens Liz with a knife and there’s a struggle. Liz gets away from him and somehow falls overboard. Jessica seems to be the only one who notices, so she jumps off the Coast Guard boat to rescue her. In the end, Marin manages to escape in a dinghy and later the cops find evidence that he’s been eaten by sharks. But of course he wasn’t. He’s hiding in the Wakefields’ basement. After the twins go to sleep, Marin goes to their room to kill them, but Ned comes along and knocks him out the window. The cop outside says Marin is going back to jail. Yeah, right. If he was, I wouldn’t have a whole second book to read in this miniseries.

Quotes:

Elizabeth tried to listen, but she found herself focusing on Todd’s neat, conservative haircut, his wholesome good looks, and his mall-store rugby shirt. He was so ordinary…For the first time, Elizabeth realized just how unsophisticated her boyfriend really was.

Ugh, you are such a snob.

Jessica: The money isn’t what’s important!

Lila: Bite your tongue!

Your daily dose of Lila.

The Cover: Awesome floppy nineties hair, John! Love it. The best part of this cover is the clippings on the wall. Most of them are whatever, but you can clearly see the covers of Jessica Quits the Squad and Murder in Paradise. Up at the top you can see Marin in his twin-tailored personalities – the poet sailor with Liz and the movie guy with Jessica.

The Moral of the Story:

Synopsis:

Alice Wakefield has won a trip to the luxurious Paradise Spa. She takes along the twins and their best friends, Lila and Enid. Their mothers are invited too, but only Grace Fowler can make it. Adele Rollins can’t get the time off work, so already we know we’re supposed to feel sorry for Enid, who walks around feeling ugly and fat because Hugh just dumped her.

When the gang gets to the spa, Jessica immediately forgets about Ken Matthews and falls in love with Chris, the good-looking golf instructor. It appears that everyone who works at Paradise Spa is freaking gorgeous except the owner, Tatiana Mueller. She surprises everyone when she turns out to be ugly and disfigured. Alice feels like she and Tatiana have met before, but then shrugs the feeling off. Clearly, Alice doesn’t know she’s in a Super Thriller.

Jessica and Lila are freaked out and horrified when they realize there are no mirrors anywhere in the cottage. At breakfast the next morning, Jessica asks for one and Tatiana gets all creepy and says no, only inner beauty matters. Then breakfast comes and Liz notices their beautiful waitress, Katya, seems sad. After the meal, Jessica goes for her golf lesson with Chris. She gets annoyed when Chris starts asking about her sister, and when he asks if Jessica thinks Liz would go out with him, she throws her golf club on the ground and walks away.

Tatiana takes a special interest in Enid and gives her a special hair treatment “just for redheads.” While Tatiana works on her hair, Enid tells her how envious she is of Liz because she has straight blond hair and a boyfriend and a loving mother who was able to take time off work. Tatiana is all weird and eggs Enid on, trying to make her feel like nobody cares about her.

Chris finds Liz later and asks her to play tennis with him after dinner. Liz wants Enid to join them so she asks Chris to bring a friend. Enid gets pissy for some reason. But she goes and is instantly attracted to Chris’ roommate Alex, who works as a groundskeeper at the spa. Alex seems to like Enid, too, until Jessica shows up and starts putting on a cheerleading show. Chris and Alex invite the girls to their room for ice cream, and Lila and Enid watch while the twins monopolize the boys. Enid is miserable, but Lila’s just disgusted that they’re so interested in the hired help.

The next day, Liz asks Katya about her family. Katya bursts into tears and says she ran away and will never see her mother again. Then she runs off. Later, Liz and Chris have a picnic and start making out. It’s totally okay because when she’s with Chris, Liz forgets all about Todd so I guess it’s not like she’s cheating or anything.

Enid meets Tatiana for another hair treatment. Tatiana hypnotizes Enid and plants a suggestion that Enid’s mother doesn’t love her and wishes she’d never been born. Enid starts spending lots of time with Tatiana, who keeps hypnotizing her. Enid’s mom calls the cottage one day and Liz is shocked when Enid says she doesn’t feel like talking to her.

Katya, Chris and Alex take Lila and the twins out for a game of Frisbee golf and accidentally lead them into the woods where they all stumble upon a big white building with no windows in the middle of a clearing. The spa employees freak out and run off, yelling at everyone to follow them. Later, Liz overhears Tatiana yelling at Katya for bringing the guests into the woods.

Liz can tell that Katya has taken a liking to Alice, so she asks her to talk to her. Katya tells Alice she wishes she could go home, but she can’t. That night, Jessica finds Katya dead in the steam room. Tatiana says Katya had a heart condition, but Liz is suspicious. She snoops in Katya’s room that night and finds out she was a runaway. On her next date with Chris, Liz asks if he’s also a runaway. It turns out he and Alex both ran away from home to work at Paradise. Then she finds out all the other teenage employees are runaways, too, and they all work at the spa for no money, just room and board. Liz thinks they all seem brainwashed.

Alice, Grace, Lila and the twins go to a waterfall as a sort of remembrance thing for Katya. Liz is explaining to Jessica that something strange is going on when Grace suddenly starts shouting for Alice, who has apparently disappeared. The twins run back to the spa and tell Tatiana what happened, but Tatiana tries to placate them by saying Alice probably just wanted some alone time.

The twins go back to their room to try to call their father, but the phone is dead. Jessica goes to Tatiana’s office to tell her the phones are down. Before she can knock on the door, Jessica hears Tatiana talking on the phone. But when Jessica enters the office a few minutes later and asks to use the phone, Tatiana tells her all the phones are down, including hers. Jessica leaves the office and then sees Tatiana run down the hallway. She sneaks back into the office and finds a Sweet Valley University yearbook from Alice’s senior year. Alice’s picture has been cut out.

While Jessica is doing that, Liz checks out the phone cord in the cottage and realizes it’s been cut. Luckily, she has her trusty laptop and she plugs it into the phone line. If she’s got her own cord, I don’t know why she doesn’t just plug in the phone. Anyway, there’s a convoluted explanation of how Liz gets on the internet and emails her dad. Then she gets on “INFOMAX,” where she does a search for the skin and hair treatments Enid’s been undergoing. The result is “plastic surgery.” Liz can’t believe Enid would ever consider plastic surgery.

Back in Tatiana’s office, Jessica looks through a folder marked “Staff.” There are two files for each employee, a  Before and an After. There’s a photograph in each one, and it’s clear that all the employees have undergone plastic surgery. There’s a Before file for Enid, and it contains a computer generated image of what Enid would look like after having surgery. Jessica is freaking out over this when suddenly the door opens and the lights come on. Don’t worry, it’s just Enid. Jessica waves the file around and says Tatiana has a plan for her, but Enid just gets all happy and tells Jessica how excited she is to look like a supermodel.

Liz is freaking out and she decides to go outside to look for Alice again. She thinks she’ll go back to the waterfall. It doesn’t occur to her to check out the creepy building everyone was afraid of. Right after she leaves, Jessica comes back to the cottage and tells Lila and Grace what she found. Liz’s computer beeps, which means she has a message. Jessica opens the email from Ned, who wants Liz to tell Alice that they did know Tatiana Mueller in college. She lived down the hall from Alice’s dorm room and worshipped Alice. Everyone called her Tatty Mule because she was ugly. Last he heard, Tatiana went to medical school. Jessica realizes Tatiana wants to be just like Alice and that Alice is in trouble.

Liz is at the waterfall when she suddenly feels something close around her wrist. She gets pulled into a cave behind the waterfall and is surprised to see Chris standing there in a white lab coat and looking all mean. He takes her arm and tells her Tatiana is expecting her. Here’s what we learn:

• Tatiana wants to look like Alice.
• She went under the knife at twenty-three, but the surgeon sucked. That’s why she’s disfigured.
• She became the best plastic surgeon ever so that she could train someone to do it right.
• That someone is Marguerite, Tatiana’s assistant who’s only been mentioned once before at the beginning of the book.
• Marguerite is going to make Tatiana look just like Alice.
• Tatiana is going to kill Alice, because there can’t be two of them.

Just when Liz thinks Tatiana is going to kill her, Jessica, Lila and Enid show up to save the day. Well, Enid is sort of along for the ride, but during all the Evil Villain and Pleading Protagonist speeches, Enid’s brainwashing comes undone and she helps take Tatiana down. Then the cops show up. The next morning, all the spa employees run around yelling, “Mrs. Mueller is gone! We don’t have to work here anymore!”

Quotes:

Jessica: These portions are half of what we get for dinner at home, Mom. I’m going to wither away!

Liz: It feels good not to be stuffed, to eat just as much as you need and no more.

Is there some reason you can’t eat that way at home? Does someone force you to eat past the point where you’re comfortable?

“Fifteen love,” [Chris] said in a strong, clear voice as he set up for his next serve, and Elizabeth sensed that in addition to announcing the score, he was sending her a special message. A message about love…

Ugh, can Liz just get laid already? Maybe then she’d stop being so obsessed with “love.”

The Cover: I will never understand what Lila is doing, but Jessica seems to think it’s pretty funny. Liz (Alice? No, probably Liz.) is wearing an ugly swimsuit and has really bad hair.

The Moral of the Story: If he’ll cheat on you, he’ll also steal your money.

The Big Deal: There’s a Mistletoe Madness dance (because it’s Christmas now) but nobody goes.

Synopsis:

So, Jessica doesn’t tell anyone that she just saw Jeremy on the video of the ransom dropoff, and after a few minutes she manages to convince herself it couldn’t possibly have been him anyway. When Jeremy finally shows up around midnight, Jessica gives him a big kiss and they go off to make out somewhere. Later, Liz goes downstairs and finds Jeremy in the kitchen. He asks her why she doesn’t like him and they end up having an argument because the guy is a total jackass.

The next night, Jeremy and Jessica are making out. Jeremy says he doesn’t think he can wait until they’re married to “belong to each other, body and soul.” He says they’ll “go all the way” Friday night, and he’ll scout around for a romantic place for the occasion. While Jessica lays awake that night wondering if she’s ready for that, Jeremy makes out with Sue. She tells him the inheritance money will be in her bank account in ten days. Jeremy figures he can hack into the bank’s computers or something and get his hands on the money, and then he can disappear for good. In the mean time, I guess he’s going to have fun trying to get Jessica to sleep with him.

When Sue overhears a conversation and finds out what Jeremy and Jessica are planning, she realizes Jeremy is doing more than just keeping up appearances with Jessica. She goes to Jessica one night and tells her the truth about everything, including the kidnapping. Jessica is really pissed off at Sue and wants to believe she’s lying, but in the end she cancels her date with Jeremy and tells Liz everything Sue told her. The twins decide to tell detective Sam Diamond the whole story. They can’t get Sam on the phone and don’t want to ask Ned for her home number (because then they’d have to tell him what they know), so they actually for once in their lives decide to go to the police. And you know what happens? The bitch lady cop tells them to stop wasting her time and get the fuck out. And this is how it comes to pass that the Super Twins have to bring Jeremy to justice themselves.

Sue goes to Jeremy’s room at the boardinghouse and for some reason Jeremy decides it’s time to take a shower. While he’s in there, Sue starts kind of going through his stuff. She finds a plane ticket for a flight to Hawaii the following Saturday, which is the same day Jeremy and Sue were supposed to fly to New York together. Then she finds a newspaper clipping. It’s a wedding announcement. It’s a few years old and the groom’s name is Matt Thorn, but it’s clearly a picture of Jeremy. I guess he just carries this proof of his secret identities around with him everywhere? Sue goes home and tells the twins she needs their help taking Jeremy down.

You guys, I can’t tell you how sick I am of Jeremy and Sue. I’m going to finish this book if it kills me.

The Oracle office now has the internet, but it’s just hooked up to some kind of newspaper database. Sue and the twins go up to the school and do a search for Matt Thorn. The only thing that comes up is the wedding announcement. Because I’m sure there’s only ever been one newspaper article about someone named Matt Thorn. They call the woman in the wedding announcement and find out “Matt” stole all her money and disappeared. Liz tells Jessica and Sue that they have to keep up the charade that they both still love Jeremy. I don’t know why they don’t just go to the police now that they have Sue to actually give testimony, but whatever.

Sue’s money is not in her account on the day it’s supposed to be deposited, so she’s sure Jeremy has already stolen it. She and the twins come up with an awesome plan. On Friday, Jessica calls Jeremy and tells him she knows everything but wants to be with him anyway. He tells her he’ll pick her up at eight and they’ll go to the cabin. The twins call Sam Diamond and tell her their plan. Sam shows up in time to wire Jessica and get everyone into her car. They all follow Jeremy and Jessica to the cabin. Oh, and it’s raining. You know, like it does whenever something really momentous is about to happen.

By the time Jeremy and Jessica get to the cabin, the rain has turned to snow. I didn’t realize the cabin was that far away. Sam, Liz, Sue and Todd get lost and then crash Sam’s car, so they’re no longer on Jeremy’s trail. Useless people. At the cabin, Jessica gets Jeremy to confess to all his crimes. He leaves the room for a minute, and when he comes back he catches Jessica trying to use the phone. He assumes she’s going to turn him in, so they have a little scuffle that results in the Christmas tree being knocked into the fireplace and the whole place going up in flames while Jessica lies unconscious on the floor. The funniest part of this is that this apparently abandoned cabin is all decorated for Christmas. Liz and the others finally show up and save Jessica, but Jeremy manages to get away. Not to worry, though. The cops find him and he confesses. I hope we’re done with Sue and Jeremy now.

While all this has been going on, there’s also been a subplot involving Lila and her artist boyfriend. Robby has an art show coming up but hasn’t done any paintings for it yet. Lila is worried so she does a bunch of horrible paintings and hangs them up at the gallery. When Robby shows up with his real paintings, he gets mad but realizes Lila was just being Lila.

Also, Ken Matthews has recently broken up with Terri Adams and has lately been showing a lot of interest in Jessica.

Quotes:

Elizabeth slapped her textbook shut. “Sorry, but I just can’t seem to stop thinking about Sue and Jeremy and the kidnapping.”

Argh, you don’t have to solve every mystery in Sweet Valley.

Jogging over to the house next door, she leaned hard on the bell. Mrs. Beckwith answered the door.

I seem to remember the Beckwiths moving away and the Whitman/Thomas family moving in.

The Cover: Looking at Jeremy running away makes me crack up every time. He looks like he’s doing some kind of traveling version of the Elaine dance. And what the hell is Jessica wearing?

The Moral of the Story: I … I got nothing.

Synopsis:

The twins aren’t speaking to each other because Jessica thinks it’s Liz’s fault that everyone thinks her boyfriend is a murdering werewolf. They’re both out to find the truth, but neither wants the other to know what she’s doing. Jessica sneaks into the house of Dr. Neville, the first murder victim. She finds a file labeled “S., Annabelle.” The only thing in the file is a report that Annabelle died from pneumonia nine years ago. Jessica thinks it’s weird that there’s nothing else in the file and she puts it in her bag. She hears someone else in the house and crawls out the window just before Liz comes in. Liz decides to take the file on Robert Pembroke, then goes through the doctor’s Rolodex. She comes across a business card for Mildred Price, Robert’s childhood nanny, and is certain Robert is hiding out at her house. She starts to write down Mildred’s information, but then a noise scares her. She just takes the card and leaves just before the murderer comes in. The unnamed werewolf searches through Dr. Neville’s filing cabinet, goes into a rage about one of the twins having stolen something, and then sees Mildred Price’s name written down next to the Rolodex. He thinks, “Nanny Millie,” and leaves.

Liz goes back to the boardinghouse that night and gets all homesick for Sweet Valley. Then she thinks how lucky she is to have found Luke. She thinks about calling him and then realizes he never gave her his number. Liz looks at the necklace Luke gave her. There’s an “A” engraved on the back of the medallion and Liz wonders if “A” was Luke’s mother, who got him interested in werewolves. Pat, I think I’d like to solve the puzzle. Liz is convinced the medallion has kept her out of danger, but she thinks her twin needs it more than she does so she puts it in Jessica’s bag. Besides, she still has the silver bullet Luke gave her.

The next morning, Jessica wakes up late for work and rushes out the door. Halfway to the tube station, she realizes she’s forgotten her bag. She goes back for it, and when she gets to her room, it’s clear someone has been there. The door is open and Jessica’s bed is made. Jessica has no doubt that Robert has been there. I don’t know why.

When Liz gets to work, Luke asks her where her necklace is. Liz explains that she gave it to Jessica, and then asks about the inscription on the pendant. Luke says the necklace did indeed belong to his mother, Ann. Then Tony Frank, who was just promoted to the crime desk, says there’s been another murder. The victim is Mildred Price. Of course. Liz and Tony leave to investigate.

Then there’s another scene of the murderer tearing the twins’ room apart. He finds the file labeled “Robert Pembroke, Jr.” and the one labeled “S., Annabelle.” That’s great, but he knows one of the twins has a silver bullet. Unfortunately, no amount of vandalism will make it appear. The murderer leaves, figuring the twins have the bullet.

When the twins get home from work that night, they each say they’re missing a file and Liz says her silver bullet is missing. Later, Jessica is looking at the medallion she found in her bag and notices the engraving. She puts the initial together with the file she found and asks Liz where Luke got the medallion. Liz says he got it from his mother, Ann. Jessica thinks, “Ann, not Annabelle. So much for that brilliant idea.” Sigh.

The next morning, the twins find out Lord Pembroke Senior himself has been attacked. Jessica goes to see him at the hospital, and the man is all kinds of doped up. He sees Jessica’s necklace and says it looks like the one he gave Annabelle, the only woman he ever really loved. Then he says he wants Jessica to tell Robert he has a brother.

Liz decides it’s a good time to go snoop around Pembroke Manor some more while the Pembrokes are in the city. Tony Frank goes with her, and she shows him the secret werewolf room. They find a box full of letters from Annabelle. The letters tell them that Lord Pembroke and Annabelle were in love, but couldn’t marry because of their different classes. Annabelle had a baby at some point. Liz and Tony figure he could be anywhere from nine to nineteen years old. They wonder if Robert’s killing spree could somehow be a result of learning he has an illegitimate brother. When Liz tells Luke about Annabelle, he gets all intense and weird and tells her not to go where the werewolf can find her.

That night, the twins have another argument because Liz is a bitch and Jessica is a drama queen. Later, Liz is feeling sad and wants to talk to someone. She goes to Rene’s room and knocks on the door, but he doesn’t answer. She tries to open the door, but it’s locked. For some reason, this sends Liz into a rage and she’s all pissed off at Rene for never being there for her. (I think this is all part of a ploy to make us think Rene is the murderer. There have been a couple scenes in which he’s “acted strangely.” Anyway, Liz is a bitch.)

Jessica goes to Pembroke Green, the family’s city residence, and makes Lady Pembroke talk to her by saying she knows about Annabelle. So Lady Pembroke starts talking and says she hated her husband for having an affair, but also for sending money and resources, including Nanny Millie, to his bastard child. Jessica starts to think the other son must be the murderer. Then Lady Pembroke says, “Lucas is an evil name,” citing that as proof that the boy is no good. Jessica jumps to her feet, shouting that Luke is the killer. I’m surprised she didn’t think, “Oh, she said Lucas, not Luke.” Anyway, she runs out of the house to a telephone box (why didn’t she use the Pembrokes’ phone?) and calls the dorm and the Journal. Liz isn’t in either place. She calls Tony Frank and finds out Liz took Luke with her to check out Annabelle’s old house. He tells Jessica the street name, and Jessica hails a taxi.

Annabelle’s house is in the ghetto, as evidenced by the homeless man outside. There’s no power, so Luke goes to the basement to try to find a fuse box. While he’s doing that, Liz goes upstairs. She finds a bedroom and seems surprised to find someone lives in it. There are newspaper clippings all over the walls, and Liz is kind of horrified to discover they all have something to do with the Pembroke family. Then she opens a diary and reads a passage about the writer waking up on his father’s estate with ripped clothes and blood all over him. Then Liz looks up to see the werewolf in the doorway. She gets scared, but then realizes the wolfman is wearing Luke’s clothes. Liz laughs and tells Luke to take off that horrible mask. He tells her it’s not a mask and Liz gets scared again because her boyfriend is clearly a psychopath.

Luke does an evil villain speech about how he and his mother were denied awesome Pembroke-ish things, and explains that when Annabelle died, Luke vowed to get back at everyone. When he’s done talking, he lunges for Liz, but just then the homeless guy from outside comes in and points a gun at Luke. Liz is relieved to see the homeless guy is really Robert in disguise. Robert says he has the silver bullet. Then Rene and Sergeant Bumpo come in. There’s a scuffle, and Luke gets shot. His mask slips off and he tells Liz they got the werewolf. Then he dies.

In conclusion:

• Luke was a psychotic wannabe werewolf who actually had no idea he was murdering people and framing his brother during his blackouts.
• Robert disguised himself as a homeless man so he could watch over Jessica.
• Rene has been following Liz around to keep an eye on her, which explains his strange behavior.
• Lord Pembroke recovers and turns ownership of the newspaper over to Robert.
• Lucy Friday and Tony Frank get married.

Quotes:

Jessica had a feeling this fight wasn’t going to blow over. It was the worst one ever.

Even worse than that time you got Liz drunk and she killed your boyfriend? Must be pretty bad.

The Cover: Stop wearing those stupid fucking trenchcoats!

And now, fair readers, I need a break. I think I’ll take next week off, at least some of it. I need to get my head on straight again after the ridiculousness of these last few books.

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: A party at Winston’s is mentioned, but we don’t actually see it happen.

Synopsis:

• It’s summer again.
• Liz is going out with Todd (he’s out of town), but Sam Woodruff appears not to exist.
• The twins are working as interns at the Sweet Valley News. Again? Still? Not sure.
• It’s only their second week there.
• But they have the Jeep instead of the Fiat.
• But Adam Maitland is living with the Wakefields again/still.
• It’s still the same summer as the other Super Thrillers, though, because the twins are still sixteen.

As with our first trip through this time loop, Jessica is bummed about working for the summer, but a handsome news editor named Bill Anderson makes it more bearable. Seth Miller still works there, but I guess Jessica is over him. Not far away from the Western Building, where the newspaper office is located, George Fowler has a project underway. The construction of Fowler Tower is interfering with the phone lines at the newspaper office, and Jessica spends a whole morning listening in on other people’s conversations. She overhears a man calling himself Greenback make a murder threat. She tries to tell Liz, but of course Liz just thinks she’s being paranoid. She convinces Jessica she must have misunderstood, and Jessica decides to focus on snatching up Mr. Gorgeous, the hunk who works across the street. From Jessica’s window, she can see Mr. Gorgeous at his desk.

Jessica listens in on another phone call and hears Greenback saying something diabolical. She gets all scared and skips out of work to meet Lila at the beach. Once she’s out in the sunshine, she decides it’s much too nice of a day for anyone in Sweet Valley to be planning a murder. She and Lila hang out at the beach for a few minutes, and then someone screams. A dead body is floating in the water. Ew.

The next day, Jessica goes to the police station and tells a Detective Jason about the phone calls. He writes everything down and asks her to keep listening to her phone. He wants to know about any more phone calls, but he tells Jessica not to tell anyone, even Liz, that she’s helping the police. He doesn’t want a leak. Jessica tells her family, but nobody else. That weekend, Steve answers a phone call for Jessica, but when he hands her the phone, the other person doesn’t say anything, just breathes. Jessica gets freaked out. She gets freaked out again at work on Monday when she thinks a guy in a baseball cap and sunglasses is following her. She goes to the Western Building coffee shop, but runs out when the guy sits at the table next to her. In the lobby, she runs right into Mr. Gorgeous, who barely glances at her before hurrying away.

Her ego a bit deflated, Jessica returns to her desk. Later that afternoon, she looks out the window to see Mr. Gorgeous looking at her. He smiles when he recognizes her, so Jessica writes her name and number on a piece of paper and holds it up to the window. Mr. Gorgeous, whose real name is Ben Donovan, calls her a second later and they agree to meet after work. They go out for coffee, and Jessica is disappointed to discover Ben likes books and classical music.

The police identify the dead girl as Tracy Fox, a runaway from San Diego. Liz calls the family and finds out Tracy ran away after Mrs. Fox found a packet of cocaine in Tracy’s dresser and the two of them had a fight. Seth tells them the police found a packet of cocaine on Tracy’s body, and this information coincides with one of the phone calls Jessica overheard in which Greenback mentioned getting all the packets from “her.” Liz and Jessica realize Greenback must be involved in a drug ring, and they spend half a page talking about Regina and how destructive drugs are. Later that night, Liz sees a picture of Tracy and is sure she’s seen her somewhere before.

When Jessica gets to work the next day, Bill Anderson tells her the receptionist got a new job and quit, and Bill thinks Jessica would be perfect for the job. He’s replaced her phone with the reception switchboard, so she can’t listen in on phone calls anymore, but she’s not that concerned since Greenback has been quiet since Tracy was killed. Later in the day, however, she decides to try dialing her own extension to see if she can eavesdrop. It works, and she uses a Dictaphone to record a couple calls from Greenback. The last call scares her, because Greenback tells his associate that the “nosy girl” isn’t spying today and he’ll handle her “when the time comes.” He says there’s an undercover cop at the newspaper office, and he also mentions a “buddy at the police station,” so when Detective Jason makes his daily phone call to find out the haps, Jessica doesn’t feel comfortable telling him. She lies and says she’s working on the receptionist’s phone now and can’t eavesdrop anymore.

That night, Liz answers the phone. The person on the other end says, “If I had my way, you’d be shark bait by now, Jessica Wakefield.” Liz and Jessica are both terrified when the phone rings again. This time it’s Detective Jason, and Jessica is suspicious because she already told him she can’t eavesdrop anymore and it seems like he’s keeping tabs on her. She’s sure he’s the bad cop. The next day at work, Jessica is thinking about Seth Miller because he seems to have a lot of money lately. He just moved into a swanky condo and bought a new car. Jessica goes to his office and asks him where he got so much money. Seth is amused but secretive. Just as Jessica is about to leave, Seth’s “telex machine” (what is that?) starts printing out a news report. It makes the same noise she heard in the background of Greenback’s last phone call, so now Jessica is convinced Seth is Greenback. Ugh.

Liz gets a call from a man named Old Riley who lives in Big Mesa and has some information about Tracy. She drives out there to talk to him, and the man says he saw Tracy on the beach a few times. He drew a picture of her, which he gives to Liz. He says that one day a man met her there and they talked for a minute. Liz asks if he can describe the man, and Old Riley draws a picture of him. Liz thinks the man in the picture looks familiar. She takes the sketches back to the office, and Jessica says the man looks like Seth, and goes on to tell Liz her newest theory. Liz scoffs at her and they walk out to the building’s lobby. Suddenly, Liz remembers that this is where she saw Tracy about a week or so ago. Jessica says they can find out what she was doing there if they check the visitors’ log. They discover Tracy was in the building to visit Seth.

Late that night, the twins go to the Western Building to snoop in Seth’s office. They don’t find anything, but hear footsteps as they’re leaving. They freeze in terror, then breathe huge sighs of relief when it’s just Bill Anderson. He says he’s just picking up some things he forgot. Then he hands Jessica a little cassette, saying he picked it up by accident thinking it was his. Jessica realizes it’s the tape on which she recorded Greenback’s phone conversation. She’s greatly relieved it was Bill who found it instead of Seth. The twins are followed on their way home, but Liz shakes the guy off their trail.

Liz convinces Jessica to give her at least until Monday morning to clear Seth. When Monday rolls around, Jessica decides to tell Bill. Moron. Bill listens to Jessica’s accusations and her “evidence,” and tells her she’s absolutely right and Seth must be Greenback. He asks her to meet him that night around nine and they’ll go to the police station together. Jessica is sure Bill is the undercover cop Greenback mentioned. How is she so dumb?

Liz goes to Seth and tells him Jessica’s suspicions and about Tracy coming to see him. Seth says he never saw Tracy, but he does remember getting a phone call from a girl who had a story to tell him, but who never showed up. He tells Liz he isn’t Greenback, but he thinks he knows who is. He won’t say who he suspects, but asks Liz to meet him that night, as he’s supposed to have some information faxed to him at home. Liz stops at the grocery store on her way home and runs into Rose, the former receptionist. Liz asks her about her new job and Rose looks puzzled and says she didn’t quit, Bill fired her. Liz, who is just as dumb as her sister, wonders why Bill would lie.

Later that night, Jessica goes back to the office to meet Bill. When she gets there, of course, Bill is all weird and not himself. Jessica sees a vial of white powder with a tiny spoon in it and realizes it must be cocaine. It’s clear she’s made a big mistake, so she starts to run out of the office and Bill chases her. He catches her and takes her up to the roof.

Meanwhile, Liz and Seth are at the Box Tree Café, where Seth is showing Liz the faxes he received. All his evidence points to Bill being the murderer. Liz tells him Jessica is with Bill right now, so they rush out of the café and over to the newspaper office just as Ben Donovan, aka Mr. Gorgeous, rushes out of the building across the street. He sees Liz and says he’s glad she’s all right and was worried Bill Anderson had gotten her. Liz tells him he’s got the wrong twin, and Jessica is inside with Bill. Ben flashes a badge and calls someone on a radio, then they all run inside.

On the roof, Bill shoves a packet of cocaine in Jessica’s pocket and is about to push her over the edge when our heroes show up. Ben tackles Bill, and after a struggle, Bill falls over the side. There’s some talk about how drugs are bad, and we find out for sure that Ben was the undercover cop, Detective Jason was the bad cop and Bill was Greenback. We find out Seth got his money because he finally got a contract with a publishing company for five more mystery novels. We hear a little more about how destructive cocaine is. The next day, Rose the receptionist gets her job back and Jessica is treated like a hero.

Quotes:

“A packet of cocaine was found in the pocket of the jacket she was wearing when her body was found. They’re sure the killing was drug-related.”

Jessica gasped. “Drug-related!”

It’s already a murder, Jessica. How is it worse that it’s drug related?

“It’s horrible!” Elizabeth cried. “That poor, stupid girl. Oh, Jess, I hate thinking about it. It reminds me of what happened to Regina Morrow. Drugs are so destructive. Why would anyone get involved with them?”

I guess not everyone is as smart and wonderful as you, Liz.

The Cover: Jessica looks all weirdly proportioned, like a Skipper doll. That is one of the ugliest skirts I’ve ever seen.

The moral of the story:

Synopsis:

It’s still summer and the twins are still working at the Sweet Valley News. Lately, Lila and Jessica have become obsessed with a Ouija board Lila brought home from London. Liz makes fun of them and Lila gets all pissed off and wants to get back at her. Everyone’s all excited about some Endless Summer concert (I can’t tell if Endless Summer is a band or a theme or what), and Lila knows the concert is going to be postponed a week. She and Jessica make Liz use the Ouija board with them and move the planchette to say the concert will be delayed. Liz thinks that’s ridiculous because she and Seth are doing a story about it for the paper and she thinks she’d know if there was going to be a delay. A few minutes later, Seth calls to tell her it’s being postponed and Liz is shocked. The whole next chapter is Liz being puzzled and disturbed about the Ouija board. The next part of Lila’s plan is to make the Ouija board tell Liz that Bruce Patman is dying so Liz will start being nice to him. I’m not really sure what Jessica gets out of this, but Lila’s secret motivation is Jeffrey. She wants Liz to hook up with Bruce so that Jeffrey will be free for her. I think Lila needs to just get over Jeffrey.

At work the next day, Liz can think of nothing else but the weird Ouija board stuff. Then a call comes in about a man named Donald Redman who has escaped from a nearby psychiatric hospital. Liz and Seth Miller are assigned to find out about Redman’s background, and Liz discovers he was a student at Sweet Valley High. He was a disturbed kid who wound up getting expelled after he kidnapped a girl he had a crush on. He’d asked the girl out numerous times but she kept turning him down. After a while, his crush on her became a joke and a lot of his classmates made fun of him. Liz goes to her baby-sitting job that night and tells the mother, Elsa Bartel, about the escaped psycho. Elsa gets all freaked out and decides to stay home. Who wants to bet that Elsa is the girl Redman kidnapped back in the day?

When Liz gets home, Lila and Jessica put their plan in motion. Everything goes swimmingly and after just a few minutes with the Ouija board, Liz is practically in tears about Bruce. Jessica suggests they all go to the Beach Disco and Liz agrees even though she feels slightly guilty for going without Jeffrey. When they get there, Liz immediately finds Bruce and is totally nice to him while he leers at her inappropriately. Liz feels sorry for him and thinks his arrogance is all a front. They hang out together the next day at the beach and Jessica sees Bruce put his arm around Liz. Jessica wants to tell Liz it’s all a joke, but Lila tells her that would mean she’d have to tell Liz she read her journal and letters from Jeffrey to come up with things for the Ouija board to predict. Jessica doesn’t want to do that, so she continues to go along with Lila’s plan. She does tell Bruce that Liz is only being nice to him because she thinks he’s dying, but he doesn’t seem to care.

On Monday at work, Jessica skips out to go see a movie with Lila. While she’s gone, Liz answers a phone call. It’s Redman and he says there’s a bomb at the Valley Cinema. Liz and Seth call the police and then go to the theater, which has been evacuated. Jessica and Lila are standing around outside with Bruce and Neil Freemount when Liz tells them about the phone call. Everyone is mostly just mad that their movie was cut short. That night, Liz is baby-sitting at Elsa Bartel’s house again and she keeps getting hang-up phone calls. Then a man comes to the door and says he’s an old friend of Elsa’s. He asks Liz what her name is and she gets freaked out and just says she’ll tell Elsa he was there before closing the door on him. Then Bruce calls and wants to come over. Liz tells him he can’t, but he does anyway. He tells her how depressed he is and how hard it is to be terminally ill. Liz’s heart does a lot of lurching and swelling as she tries to control all her idiotic emotions. It’s clear to her that Bruce wants to kiss her, but she keeps him at a distance and finally tells him he should go home.

A couple days later, Liz gets another phantom phone call at home. Jessica knows it’s Lila and she’s sick to death of the whole thing, but she can’t say anything. Then Bruce comes over and acts all obnoxious. The doorbell rings and when Jessica answers it, she’s relieved to see Jeffrey, who has come home early from camp to surprise Liz. Jessica thinks that if he’s home, this crap with Bruce can stop. Jeffrey is not happy to find Liz and Bruce together in the kitchen, and even less happy when Bruce says he and Liz are going to a pre-school year rally at the high school football stadium. Bruce says Jeffrey can follow him and Liz to the rally, but Liz says she’ll ride with Jeffrey. Bruce leaves and Jeffrey is all, “What the hell?” Liz says she can’t tell him why she’s hanging out with Bruce but promises there’s nothing going on between them. This shit with Bruce is so not Super Thrilling.

Bruce sits with them at the rally and he and Jeffrey get all competitive and annoying. They start arguing over who’s going to get Liz a root beer, and she tells them she’ll just go get it herself. She’s walking through the school corridors when she sees Principal Chrome Dome come out of his office and go running off to the football field. She starts following him and then someone runs past her going back into the school. She recognizes him as the man who came to Elsa’s house the other night. On the field, Chrome Dome announces that the stadium needs to be evacuated. Everyone starts screaming about bombs and the whole mob starts trying to get out of the stadium. The bomb is another fake.

The next day, Liz finally realizes that Elsa’s “friend from college” looks exactly like Redman. She’s about to call the police, but then decides to call Elsa instead to make sure. Elsa tells her there’s nothing to worry about and that the guy really is just an old friend. When she hangs up with Liz, she’s all upset about lying to her. Turns out Redman is her brother (okay, so I lost that bet). He’s tracked her down for some reason, and is now confusing Liz with Melanie, the girl he kidnapped in high school. Elsa just doesn’t know what to do. Uh, how about you call the police?

Liz is getting ready for a date with Jeffrey when Bruce calls and tells her he’s all depressed because he just lost a tennis match and doesn’t know how long he can keep going. He asks Liz to meet him at the tennis courts at school and she runs out of the house, telling Jessica and Lila not to tell Jeffrey where she’s going but she’ll be back as soon as she can. After Liz is gone, Lila pretends she left something in her car and goes outside to wait for Jeffrey. When he shows up, she tells him that Liz is meeting Bruce. Jeffrey drives off toward the tennis courts.

Donald Redman is building a bomb in the utility closet at the Sweet Valley High stadium, which is conveniently located right next to the tennis courts. As he’s working, he hears a boy and girl talking. He goes to investigate and recognizes Liz, but he still thinks she’s Melanie. Meanwhile, Jessica and Lila are playing around with the Ouija board. It tells them Liz is in danger at the stadium. Lila and Jessica accuse each other of moving the planchette, but finally figure out it was probably Jessica’s subconscious because she and Liz have that freaky twin ESP. They think Redman must be at the stadium, but don’t call the police because they’d sound crazy.

Jessica and Lila decide to go to the stadium – and what? Use their charm and beauty to stop the bomb from going off? They’re getting into Lila’s car when Elsa Bartel comes running up to them. She tells them Redman is her brother and that Liz is in danger. She’s come over to warn Liz. Jessica takes her inside so she can call the police, and the three of them go to meet the cops at the stadium.

At the stadium, Liz and Bruce are in a deep and meaningful embrace when Jeffrey shows up and demands to know what the hell is going on. Liz – get this – is furious at Jeffrey because he “shattered a special, deeply personal moment between her and Bruce.” She can’t believe he would think anything is going on. After all, she asked him to trust her. What a bitch. She tells Jeffrey the whole thing is perfectly innocent, but Jeffrey says he ran into Bruce at the mall earlier and Bruce was bragging that he had a date with Liz that night. Liz realizes she’s been duped and runs away from both of them. She wants to be alone, so she goes to the utility closet to hang out for a while. Redman closes the door behind her. She screams and then hears Jeffrey and Bruce coming to find her. Redman twists her arm to make her scream again, and the boys enter the room. He has them all trapped. His bomb is set to go off, the remote control in his hand.

Suddenly, the police and Elsa are yelling for Redman to give himself up. He says he won’t because he has to get back at “Melanie” for being so mean to him. Then Jeffrey tackles him and the remote control goes flying and ends up underneath a cabinet. Bruce picks up the bomb and runs away with it. Redman says he already pushed the button and then goes running after Bruce. Jeffrey moves the cabinet and Liz reaches under it to get the remote. The timer is counting down and Jeffrey tells her to smash the thing and rip out the wires. She does and the timer stops. Then they hear an explosion from outside. Jeffrey and Liz go out into the hallway and see Bruce coming toward them. Damn, he’s still alive. The cops come in and Bruce tells them Redman took the bomb from him and ran. He died in the explosion. Outside, Jessica hugs Liz, apologizes for tricking her and promises she’ll never use a Ouija board again.

I want to give the twins this lunchbox:

Quotes:

She had once sabotaged everyone’s slam books, saying that Jeffrey was in love with Enid and that Elizabeth was in love with Roger Barrett Patman, Bruce’s cousin, who had been legally adopted by the Patmans.

Uh, no. The slam books said Jeffrey was in love with Olivia and that Liz was in love with A. J. I guess marginal characters like Olivia and A. J. don’t exist in a Super Thriller.

She felt as though she had to speak to him, to let him know he had her support in his time of crisis.

Oh, shut up, Liz.

The Cover: They sure to look goofy on this one. Liz seems unsure of how a phone works and Jessica is practicing her pinup girl face.

The moral of the story:

Synopsis:

The endless summer is dragging on and the twins are still working as interns at The Sweet Valley News. Mayoral elections are coming up and Jessica thinks Kincaid should win because he’s handsome. He’s doing well in the polls, but nobody really knows much about him. What they do know seems shady. As usual, Liz and Seth Miller are on the same side, and the whole newspaper is backing Kincaid’s opponent, Miles Robinson.

The newspaper is having their company picnic at a park in Ronoma County, about forty miles outside Sweet Valley. Liz decides to invite Nicholas Morrow to the picnic to cheer him up since he’s been so depressed about Regina lately. He’s not having any fun so he decides to explore the woods around the park. Liz goes with him and they come upon a big old house with a sign out front that proclaiming it “Bayview House.” The house is all beaten up and spooky, but they meet a girl there named Barbara. She’s Liz’s age and, of course, beautiful. She lives in Switzerland (what is Francine’s obsession with Switzerland?) and is living in the big house for the summer with her uncle and an ancient housekeeper. Nicholas is enchanted by Barbara and tells her all about himself and Sweet Valley. Barbara hears her uncle calling from the house and gets up and runs off, explaining that he gets terribly angry if she doesn’t come as soon as she’s called. Nicholas is distraught that he didn’t get her last name or her phone number or anything.

Nicholas drives back out to Bayview House the next day. The creepy uncle comes to the door and is all mean and tells Nicholas to leave and not come back. So he drives away with his Jeep’s top down and hears Barbara’s dog barking. Then he can hear Barbara singing. She’s delighted to see him and seems to think there is nothing odd about his claims that he’ll just die if he can’t ever see her again. She says they can meet, but her uncle can never find out.

At work on Monday, Jessica and Liz get their big special assignments. Liz will be working with Seth on the election story, while Jessica will be working with Dan Weeks on a story about an artist named Paul Lazarow who headed an artists’ colony in Ronoma County in the forties and now has a posthumous exhibit going on at the Sweet Valley Art Museum. After work, the twins stop at the Morrows’ house to see how Nicholas is doing. He says he’s about to go see Barbara and wants them to go with him. When they get to Bayview House, there’s a Jaguar parked in the driveway that wasn’t there last time. Barbara meets Nicholas and the twins in the woods and tells them it’s a bad time because Uncle John has a visitor. Apparently, John is always in a bad mood when “the visitor” comes. Barbara’s dog starts growling and Nicholas and the twins hide just before Uncle John finds Barbara, twists her arm and kicks her dog. He makes sure she knows she’s not allowed to see anyone as long as she’s living there, then drags her back to the house.

The next day at work, the twins are talking about their assignments. Jessica thinks it’s strange that neither of them has ever heard of this Paul Lazarow guy and his artist colony before and remarks on what a coincidence it is that all this stuff about Ronoma is coming up lately. Right after that, Seth shows Liz the yearbook from mayoral candidate Kincaid’s high school. Turns out Kincaid was studying art. Liz looks at the picture of Kincaid and thinks he looks like someone she’s seen recently, but who? Liz, you make a terrible investigative reporter.

Nicholas goes back to Bayview House to see Barbara. She tells him she’s been having a horrible nightmare every night about a man chasing her off the cliffs near the house. There’s a birthday cake in the dream too. She says her birthday is next Friday, which also happens to be her grandmother’s birthday. Coincidentally, her grandmother’s name was also Barbara, she looked just like Barbara, she had a dog just like Barbara’s and she died from falling off the cliffs on her birthday. Very strange. Barbara tells Nicholas that he and the twins are in danger because Uncle John is a crazy person. When Nicholas leaves that night, he sees the silver Jaguar again. Oh, and Barbara’s great-grandfather was an artist.

Nicholas has lunch with the twins the next day and when he gets back to his car there’s a note on his windshield telling him to stay away from Barbara. Liz tells him to go to the police, but he says Barbara told him if anyone goes to the police, Uncle John will hurt Josine, the housekeeper. Okay. So Liz tells him to stay away from Barbara, but he looooves her. He decides not to tell Barbara about the note. He tells Barbara to sneak out of the house so he can take her to dinner and they can forget all about Bayview House for one night. She agrees, even though Josine will be in terrible danger if Barbara gets caught. When they get to the restaurant, Nicholas sees the silver Jaguar parked outside. Because he promised not to talk about any no-fun stuff, and because he’s a fucking idiot, he doesn’t say anything to Barbara and they go inside and get seated. There’s a man at a nearby table gaping at them and Nicholas thinks it’s lucky that Barbara has her back to him because he wants her to have a good time tonight. After he takes Barbara home, he sees the Jaguar parked on the side of the road, empty.

Nicholas goes to visit the twins the next day and sees Russell Kincaid’s picture on Liz’s newspaper. He’s never seen him before (he’s been too depressed about Regina to look at a newspaper in ages), and he recognizes him as the man from the restaurant, who must be the owner of the Jaguar. He must see Barbara, so he goes out there, even though she told him never to come during the day. When he gets there, she’s wearing jeans instead of the old-fashioned dresses she usually wears and she’s been crying. Apparently, her dog is missing and she’s sure Uncle John has done something with him as a warning. She and Nicholas search for him, but all they find is his collar. Barbara tells him not to come back for a few days because it’s too dangerous. She walks him back to his Jeep and they find the tires slashed and the windshield busted.

Nicholas accompanies the twins to the art museum to check out Paul Lazarow’s paintings. They’re all shocked to see a painting entitled “Artist’s Daughter” that could easily be a painting of Barbara, right down to the blue dress she’s wearing. They go to the newspaper office to look through the archives and find that Russell Kincaid was part of Paul Lazarow’s artists’ colony. Wow, I never would have guessed that all these things are connected somehow. The three of them go to Bayview House and find Barbara and Josine talking in the woods. Barbara says she knows Uncle John is trying to confuse Josine by making her wear her grandmother’s clothes. Then Josine tells her that her grandmother was murdered.

The next night, Liz goes through the archives again and finds an article about Russell Kincaid being questioned in Barbara’s grandmother’s death. She studies the picture and realizes why Kincaid looks so familiar. He looks just like Uncle John! They must be brothers! Just then the phone rings and a threatening voice tells Liz she’s being watched and she needs to stay away from Barbara. The next day, the twins find some more old newspapers. Apparently, Kincaid and some guy named Jack were competing for the first Barbara’s affection.

Nicholas and the twins are convinced that John is going to kill Barbara on her birthday, so they go to Bayview House with the intent to kidnap her. The plan is for Jessica to stay in the car and keep it running while Liz knocks on the door and distracts whoever answers. Nicholas will throw pebbles at Barbara’s window to get her to come out. But Liz falls and sprains her ankle and Jessica comes after her. Liz tells her she’ll have to be the one to go to the door. Jessica runs off and then John comes out of the woods and accosts Liz. She manages to get him to tell her that yes, he is Russell Kincaid’s brother, and he doesn’t want Kincaid to be mayor. He brought Barbara to California to make Kincaid think he’s seeing a ghost. Whatever, this is very stupid. John knocks Liz out.

Jessica and Nicholas see Russell Kincaid pulling Barbara toward the cliff and then pull her over. Barbara is holding onto a ledge, but Kincaid is nowhere to be seen. Nicholas pulls Barbara up. They all go to look for Liz, but all they find is her lavaliere. Aw, just like the dog. They go inside to see if Josine knows anything. She’s tied to a chair and we get some revelations that I don’t really care about by way of her demented ramblings. Then she says John came in carrying Liz, got the key to the studio and went back outside. They race to the studio, which is a smaller building out back, and find Liz and the dog inside. It looks like John took off when he thought Kincaid and Barbara were both dead. Liz is pretty messed up so Nicholas calls an ambulance. Nicholas and Barbara go to the police station while Liz and Jessica go to the hospital. As they’re leaving, Nicholas notices Kincaid’s Jaguar is gone.

Christ, I still have fifty pages left to get through.

Later that night, Jessica meets Nicholas and Barbara at the police station and listens to Barbara tell the cops what happened. Then some other cops bring John in after catching him trying to go to Mexico. He confesses everything. Here’s the rundown: Back in the day, John and his brother Russell were part of Lazarow’s artists’ colony. Russell and a guy named Jack both loved the first Barbara, but she loved Jack. She and Jack married in secret because her father was overprotective and she later had a baby, our Barbara’s mother. Russell was insane with jealousy and pushed Barbara over the cliff but was never convicted. He and John started some kind of business together and everything was fine until Russell decided to run for mayor of Sweet Valley. John wouldn’t support him so Russell ended their partnership and took John for millions of dollars. John wanted to get back at him and make him quit the race by making him think he was insane. So he lied to our Barbara’s parents and said he was a cousin of Barbara’s grandmother and wanted her to come visit for the summer. He made Barbara dress in old clothes and walk along the cliffs at dusk and made sure Russell saw her and thought it was the first Barbara’s ghost.

Dude.

Barbara has a talk with Josine, who tells her everything else. After the first Barbara died, Jack freaked out and kind of went crazy. He couldn’t take care of the baby, so a friend of Barbara’s adopted her and that’s why our Barbara’s mother didn’t know anything about her family. It turns out Jack is still alive and living in a rest home. Barbara goes to see him and he ends up going back to Switzerland with her.

The end.

Quotes:

“You can’t tell me not to come back,” Nicholas cried. “I won’t be able to stand it!”

This is just a taste of Nicholas’ proclamations of love and desire. This particular quote is from his second meeting with Barbara, after he’s known her a grand total of ten minutes.

“You guys, this is weird! I think Barbara is a ghost!”

Sometimes Jessica makes me laugh a lot. I love the way she says this in total earnest.

The Cover: That would be such an awesome picture if it weren’t for those blond nuisances in the foreground.

The moral of the story:

Synopsis:

This book takes place later in the same summer as Double Jeopardy and the twins are still interns at the newspaper. Everyone is all up in arms about the DeLucca trial. Frank DeLucca is on trial in New York for murder and all the witnesses who were going to testify against him have suddenly clammed up. It’s a big national deal. At the Sweet Valley News office, reporter Dan Weeks and some new bitch intern named Darcy think nobody will come forward to testify and DeLucca will get off, but Seth Miller and Liz believe in the goodness of mankind and think if someone knows something, they’ll make sure DeLucca goes to jail. Jessica, who just helped solve a murder a few weeks ago, has “had it with law and crime and all that stuff,” so she doesn’t care one way or the other.

New bitch intern Darcy and her father just moved to Sweet Valley from Ohio. She’s really only a bitch to Liz, whom she immediately dislikes for some reason. Liz can’t figure out what she did, but she thinks something must be wrong with the girl, because that’s the only reason anyone would not like her. Every day, Darcy pulls some crap at work that makes Liz look bad. She loves Jessica though and they become friends.

The Wakefields see on the news that a doctor named William Ryan has come forward and will be testifying in the DeLucca trial. Dr. Ryan’s evidence convinces the jury to put DeLuuca away, probably for life, and Liz is suddenly worried about him. She’s sure DeLucca’s henchmen will kill him. Seth tells her not to worry, that he’ll probably go into the witness protection program and start a new life somewhere. Hmm, I wonder where he’ll end up.

A week later, Liz is getting coffee when she meets a nice guy named Eric. He and his father just moved to Sweet Valley from Ohio (just like Darcy!) and he’s working at the office building’s coffee shop for the summer. He and Liz hit it off right away. Then Darcy meets him and comes back to the office to tell the twins all about him. Liz is upset that Eric told Darcy he’s a poet and she wonders if he likes her, but then she brushes that thought aside because no way would a sensitive guy like Eric like someone like Darcy. That night, Liz stays at work late and on her way to the bus stop, Eric shows up and offers her a ride. They decide to get together the next day for dinner and a tour of Sweet Valley. Liz does not mention that she has a boyfriend, and when she talks to Jeffrey later, she does not mention Eric. She also doesn’t tell Jessica that she and Eric are friends.

There is something mysterious about Eric. You can tell by the way his face darkens whenever Liz asks him about his father or Ohio. After their tour of Sweet Valley, they stop at Secca Lake where Liz read’s Eric’s poems and he reads one of her short stories. Blah, blah, they’re both very talented. Liz thinks Eric’s poems are sad and he thinks her story is too optimistic. Meanwhile, Darcy is hanging out with Jessica. She decides to call a friend of hers from back home who lives in Cleveland, where Eric is from. The friend doesn’t know him, but she tells Darcy that two weeks ago, a teenage girl was murdered just a couple towns over.

Liz and Eric go see a movie at the mall and Liz thinks someone is following them. She mentions it to Eric without really believing it, but when Eric gets really freaked out, Liz wonders what his deal is. Then he asks her if anyone knows they’re hanging out. She says no and he says it should stay that way because it will make their friendship even more special if it’s a secret. After the movie, they go for a walk on the beach and Liz tries to sort out her feelings about Jeffrey and Eric. It’s obvious Eric wants to make out with her, but she manages to fend him off.

Darcy goes to the coffee shop one day and finds Eric sitting at a table writing in a notebook. He gets up to deal with a customer and Darcy starts looking through his notebook. He freaks out and tells her it’s poetry and he doesn’t like other people reading it. Darcy asks if it’s “love poetry” and Eric says it sort of is. Then Darcy says, “It’s for me, isn’t it?” Jeez, ego much? Eric stutters and then just tells her yes, it’s about her. Darcy waits for him to set the notebook down again, then tears out one of the poems and takes it upstairs, where she shows it to the twins. Liz can’t believe Eric has written a poem for Darcy. She feels like crap.

The twins’ dad has been helping Eric’s dad, Rich, with a business contract and has become friends with the guy. He mentions at dinner one night that Rich told him Eric talks about Liz all the time. Jessica thinks that’s weird, since she didn’t know they’d been hanging out or anything. Ned says he’s invited Eric and Rich over for a barbecue that weekend.

Darcy has talked to her friend Sue in Cleveland again. Sue has told her some things that lead Darcy to believe Eric is the one who murdered that chick. If he is, then the police are probably, you know, looking for him, but Darcy is horrified when Jessica suggests they call the police. She thinks they just need to keep an eye on him and watch out for any suspicious behavior.

Liz has been avoiding Eric, but when Seth asks her to get her some coffee, she has to go see him. She tells Eric she’s upset about him writing Darcy a poem and he tells her it was really for Liz and he just said it was for Darcy so she’d go away. Liz is all relieved until Eric says he doesn’t know what he’d do if Liz had someone else in her life. That reminds Liz she has a boyfriend. Ugh.

The Wakefields’ neighbors, the Beckwiths, come to the barbecue, and Mr. Beckwith keeps saying Eric’s dad looks familiar. Rich keeps telling him they don’t know each other, but Mr. Beckwith won’t shut the fuck up and I kind of want to punch him in the face. His constant questioning makes Eric and Rich nervous and this tells Jessica she and Darcy are right in thinking Eric is the murderer from Cleveland. She goes to Darcy’s the next day to tell her everything and Darcy tells her to pretend to be Liz and get Eric’s notebook, which she thinks he uses as a diary.

Jessica goes to Eric’s house and Eric, thinking she’s Liz, asks if she wants to get together that night and meet at “the same place.” He gives her the notebook and Jessica leaves. Now she’s worried about Liz and is sure she’ll be Eric’s next victim. On her way back to Darcy’s, Jessica is followed by a black Mercedes. About a block from Darcy’s house, a man jumps out of the Mercedes, tells Jessica to stay away from Eric and snatches the notebook. Jessica tells Darcy she wants to go to the police, but Darcy says they don’t have enough evidence yet. Dumbass.

Jessica goes home to warn Liz not to see Eric anymore, but Alice says Liz is spending the weekend at Enid’s. Jessica slips a note under Enid’s door, and then she and Darcy spend all Saturday looking for her, but can’t find her anywhere. They finally end up at the Dairi Burger with some friends from school. Eric shows up and sits with them just in time to hear Aaron and Winston mention Jeffrey. When Eric finds out Jeffrey is Liz’s boyfriend, he gets pissed and storms out of the restaurant.

That night, Liz is supposed to meet Eric at the Beach Disco, but he doesn’t show up. As Liz is driving back to Enid’s, she notices a blue sedan following her. It pulls up next to her and the driver flashes an FBI identification card and starts asking her questions about Eric. Confused, Liz goes to Enid’s. Enid tells her there was a note from Jessica, but the cat must have gotten to it because it’s all mangled and unreadable. Liz decides it can wait and she keeps trying to get Eric on the phone.

Darcy gets her friend Sue to send her a copy of the composite sketch of the Cleveland murderer. It looks a lot like Eric. Thankfully, Liz is out of the office that day and far away from Eric. Jessica and Darcy have still not gone to the police. When Liz gets back to the office building, she goes straight to the coffee shop. She tells Eric they need to talk, so he grabs her by the arm and forces her outside. Jessica and Darcy are shouting and coming toward them, so Eric starts running. He and Liz end up in an alley and he puts his hand on her mouth.

This next bit is so convoluted. Darcy and Jessica go back to the office to call the police, but as soon as they get there, they see Mr. Beckwith shouting about a child who’s choking in the coffee shop. What the hell? Where did Mr. Beckwith come from? And then Eric’s dad is there too and people are screaming about the choking kid. Then Eric and Liz come in and Liz can’t figure out why Jessica is surprised she’s okay. No explanation given for why Eric was so mean and aggressive just a few minutes ago. Eric’s dad does an emergency tracheotomy on the kid and then Mr. Beckwith is shouting that he recognizes him because Eric’s dad is really Dr. Ryan, the guy who testified against Frank DeLucca. Eric and his dad leave the building and Liz follows them.

At the Ryans’ house, Liz tries to convince Dr. Ryan that they can stay in Sweet Valley because it’s the most magical place on earth and nobody would hurt them there. He tells her she’s wrong and starts packing. Then a couple of guys come in with guns. They order Liz and Eric (whose real name is Michael) upstairs so they can “talk” to Dr. Ryan. Upstairs, Liz notices they have the Good Neighbors alarm system. They press the button, which makes the alarm go off in six neighbors’ houses. One of the neighbors calls and asks Dr. Ryan for the password. He’s playing it cool for the bad guys and pretends it’s a wrong number so the neighbors will know he’s in trouble. A minute later, all the neighbors burst in and tackle the bad guys just as the cops show up. Holy crap, this is so bad. Dr. Ryan and Michael tell Liz how right she was to keep believing in people, but they need to leave Sweet Valley anyway. Michael gives Liz his notebook of poems. I’m going to throw up.

So, to wrap up, Liz is in love with both Michael/Eric and Jeffrey, Jessica doesn’t like Darcy anymore because she’s not at all apologetic for leading her astray about Eric being a murderer and the guy who really murdered the chick in Ohio is caught. We learn we should always listen to Liz when she tells us to believe in people.

I hate Super Thrillers.

Quotes:

“He seems so jumpy whenever you ask him anything personal.”

“That’s true,” Jessica conceded. “I thought that was the Midwestern style, I guess.”

Midwesterners are jumpy?

“You’re sure I don’t look a little–you know–voluptuous?” Darcy worried.

She did have a pretty curvy figure, but Jessica honestly had to admit she thought the redhead looked sensational.

I thought curves and voluptuousness were good things? Well, now I’m confused.

The Cover: The twins actually don’t look half bad for once, though Liz’s shirt is pretty hideous.