Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: It’s okay to sneak off into a strange city as long as you solve a crime while you’re at it.

The Big Deal: Choir competition in Washington, D.C.

Classmate with a Problem: Anna Barrett, can’t sing

Synopsis:

The Sweet Valley Middle School choral group is going to Washington, D.C. for a competition. Anna Barrett tells the twins she just HAS to go to Washington. Anna is adopted and she recently came across a letter to her adoptive parents from someone in Australia. The letter was about someone named Leslie. Anna thinks this must be her sister, and Leslie’s adoptive parents are in Washington with the Australian consulate. Rather than ask her parents about it, Anna decides she’ll just hop a plane to D.C. with the choir. The choir is looking for ten new members, but unfortunately, Anna can’t sing. Hey, no problem! Kids are being auditioned four at a time (why?) so Anna stands between the twins and mouths the words. Nobody can tell she’s not really singing, and she and the twins are on their way to Washington (even though we’ve been told numerous times that neither twin can carry a tune).

Everyone is excited on their first morning in Washington when they wake up and find it has snowed overnight. They go outside to play, and this bitch from another school hits Anna with a snowball. This is Sherrie Dunston from Grant Middle School in Columbus, Ohio. She’s such a good singer that Dana Larson has heard of her and is intimidated by the competition. Sherrie challenges the Sweet Valley kids to a sled race and everything is going well until Sherrie runs Jessica’s sled into a tree.

Sherrie really has it out for Anna. She says she knows Anna can’t sing and keeps trying to goad her into proving it, so Anna fakes laryngitis. To get back at Sherrie, Jessica gets a pack of fake bugs and puts them in a lozenge box. Sherrie is apparently addicted to throat lozenges and constantly has a box of them nearby. Jessica switches the boxes and Sherrie freaks out. (When I read this as a kid, I had no idea what the hell a lozenge was, which made a surprisingly large chunk of this book really confusing.)

Liz and Anna find out there’s going to be a big reception at the Australian embassy. Anna wants to sneak in but she’s hanging out with the wrong twin. Jessica decides to go instead. She and Anna get all dressed up and sneak out of the hotel. Sherrie sees them and tells Ms. McDonald, their chaperone. When the chaperones start talking about calling the police, Liz finally tells them about the party at the embassy.

Jessica and Anna manage to sneak into the reception by tagging along behind a couple, pretending to be their kids. They go upstairs and start snooping into bedrooms and find a secret office. The door starts opening so they hide behind a screen while some guy wearing a diamond ring rifles through the desk. The girls freak out a little when they discover a cute redheaded boy already in their hiding spot. He tells them to keep quiet and follow him through a panel in the wall. The bad guy hears them and starts chasing them through the secret passage. Along the way, CRB (cute redhead boy) says it was his father’s desk the spy was rummaging in. It doesn’t take long for the spy to fall behind, and the kids leave the secret passageway so CRB can tell his dad what’s going on.

CRB’s dad happens to be Mr. Linwood, the ambassador, and he lets the children lead the way while they search the embassy for this horrible spy. They don’t find him in any of the bedrooms, so they go to the kitchen. The chef walks in and Jessica recognizes his diamond ring. She makes a fuss until the guards catch him, and the real chef is found tied up and gagged in a pantry.

Once things calm down a little, Anna asks CRB if he has a sister named Leslie. CRB says he’s Leslie. He and the girls tell the ambassador everything. The Sweet Valley teachers come barging into the embassy to find their missing students, and the ambassador then explains everything to them. Nobody gets into any trouble, of course, and Jessica and Anna get their picture in the paper.

The ambassador calls Anna’s parents that night, and they flight out to D.C. the next morning so they can all have a family discussion. The parents explain that Leslie and Anna were kept secret from each other because Mr. Linwood was involved in some top secret government stuff at the time of the adoption and it was safer…or something. Anyway, Sweet Valley wins the choir competition and all is right with the world.

Quotes:

“Remember when Ms. McDonald told us we had great soprano voices and we should be in choir?” said Jessica.

No, but I remember in multiple other books that both twins are described as being utterly unable to sing.

[Jessica] sighed. “I could get used to this,” she said. “Dressing up every day and being waited on constantly. I want to stay here forever!”

“Jess, what’re you saying?” cried Elizabeth, feeling a little hurt. “You love Sweet Valley!”

Shut up, Liz.

Just as he pushed the bolt into place, they heard the man enter the nursery and curse. “Where are you? You can’t get away from me, you rotten kids!”

This entire book reads like a Scooby Doo episode.

“You mean you got into the choral group and you can’t sing?” Mrs. Isaacs practically screeched. Her face had turned beet red.

That’s this chaperone’s first reaction to hearing about Anna’s long lost brother and the fact that she just caught a spy.

The Cover: Anna kind of looks like Enid.

The Moral of the Story: What is this I can’t even…

The Big Deal: Class trip to the Enchanted Forest

Synopsis:

The sixth grade is going to a super cool theme park called the Enchanted Forest. Caroline Pearce wants to sit with Liz on the bus, but Liz hates the idea of listening to her gossip the whole way. Liz asks Jessica to sit with her and Jessica promises she will, but then she goes ahead and sits with Lila instead and Liz has to sit with Caroline after all. Liz spends the whole morning thinking about Jessica’s terrible betrayal.

As soon as they get to the park, Lila ditches Jessica when she runs into a cute guy she knows from camp or something. Feeling hurt, Jessica goes off to find Liz. Liz ignores her and gets on her favorite ride, King Abelard’s Castle, but then she spends the whole ride feeling guilty. She vows to make up with Jessica before she does anything else, but she can’t find her anywhere. After a while, she becomes convinced that Jessica must have disappeared on the castle ride, so she goes back there to find her.

When she gets to the castle, there are no ride attendants and there’s nobody in the queue. No problem, Liz will just use this handy rowboat to get across the moat to a secret door she never noticed before. She goes down a hallway and then falls down a hole, where she runs into a little girl who introduces herself as Princess Charity. Princess Charity is hiding from some bad guys who want to lock her up and make her a slave. The rest of her family has already been locked in a cage, so it’s up to Liz and Charity to rescue them.

Liz uses her camera’s flash to blind the bad guys, and Charity opens the cage while they’re distracted. The good guys escape and pick up their weapons, which have been thrown into a pile conveniently near the cage, and have a battle. Once order and goodness have been restored, someone asks Liz how she got away from the evil King Nestor. Liz deduces that Jessica must have been taken by him, and King Abelard tells her there’s a boy with a raft who can take her to Nestor’s kingdom.

The boy with the raft introduces himself as Tom Sawyer, and he tells her stories about Huck Finn and Injun Joe while he ferries Liz down the river. When they get to Nestor’s kingdom, they follow some footprints into a cave, where Liz immediately causes a cave-in. She and Tom are trapped, but then a kindly mouse gnaws on some grass and the rocks come tumbling loose. Now there’s a barrier between Liz and Tom. Tom goes back the way he came, and Liz continues on to the other end of the tunnel.

It’s night when she emerges, and she sees someone dragging Jessica up a moonbeam and into a cloud. The mouse from the cave comes along, introduces herself as Allegra, and encourages Liz to follow Jessica up the moonbeam path. Why not? They go through a gate and into a gray world where people are chained to the ground and forced to break rocks all day for the gray queen. While Liz tries to figure out how to break the magic chains holding Jessica prisoner, a manacle appears around her own ankle. Things are looking pretty grim, but then Johnny Buck shows up in a flying black limousine. He starts singing and all the chains disappear. The gray queen picks up Jessica and carries her through a door on the side of a boulder that immediately takes off flying into the air.

Liz and Johnny fly after them in Johnny’s flying limo, and Johnny starts singing again when they get close. Jessica tries to make a jump for the car, but then a witch comes out of nowhere and throws Jessica onto the back of her broomstick. Liz falls off the limo’s wing and into the Enchanted Sea, where she meets a sea serpent named Sidney. After a game of checkers played with seashells and pebbles, Sidney tells Liz that the witch who snatched Jessica is named Grisolda and she’s taken over Fairy Tale Land.

Liz catches a ride to Fairy Tale Land on the back of a friendly turtle. Since Grisolda’s occupation, it’s become known as Sorrowland. Rapunzel is bald, Peter Pan is a middle-aged accountant, and other fairy tale characters are equally miserable. Liz finds Grisolda’s gingerbread house and rescues Jessica from the stove, and then they laugh at the witch until she dies. Fairy Tale Land and all its inhabitants are all put back to normal, and they put the twins on a magical boat and send them home.

And then Liz wakes up. During the King Abelard ride, she and Amy knocked their heads together and Liz blacked out. She gets up and spends the rest of the day having a super awesome time with Jessica, who has apologized for sitting with Lila on the bus.

The absolute worst thing about this book is that I read it over and over again when I was a kid. What was wrong with me?

The Cover: Who’s that boy? And based on hairstyles, it would appear that Liz is the one wearing all that purple.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Big Deal: Olivia’s funeral.

Synopsis:

The Wakefields are staying at Fowler Crest while their house is being rebuilt. Sweet Valley is all fucked up. The Dairi Burger, the Beach Disco, Miller’s Point, the movie theater – pretty much everything besides the school is ruined. White Maria sets up a refugee center because the only people in town who can do things like that are sixteen-year-olds.

Liz can’t remember anything that happened during the earthquake, but she and Enid assume Devon is the one who saved their lives. I don’t know why. I thought it was an EMT guy. Either way, it wasn’t Devon and he feels like crap about it. Liz and Enid stop by his house one day to thank him, and he totally accepts their thanks. He feels kind of ashamed of himself, but Liz seems to love him again so he just keeps on lying. Unfortunately, Enid seems to love him now, too. She tells a reporter that Devon saved her life, and suddenly a gaggle of them are on his front lawn, asking him questions about his heroic act. Enid keeps throwing herself at Devon, which annoys both him and Liz.

Black Maria tells Liz she overheard her and Devon arguing the night of the earthquake, and she says Devon absolutely wasn’t the one who saved her. Liz is a stupid bitch and thinks Maria is lying to her. She gets pissed and leaves. They make up a few pages later and Maria hypnotizes Liz to help her remember. I don’t get what Liz’s deal is. It seems like she knows she was electrocuted by downed power lines, but she’s totally confused by the burn marks on her legs and doesn’t know where they came from. She turns the whole thing into a mystery she needs to solve.

Jessica is a total mess and can’t stop thinking about Alyssa, the girl whose life she failed to save. She has nightmares every night and feels totally guilty. One night, she sneaks out of Fowler Crest after a particularly bad dream and heads to the high school. She’s sitting on the bleachers in the stadium when Ken Matthews shows up and sits down next to her. They talk about their guilty feelings for a few minutes and it seems like they’re both starting to feel better, but when Jessica says she wishes she were dead, Ken freaks out. Like, out of nowhere starts yelling about how he’s way worse off than Jessica. Then he leaves. Whatever, dude. Jessica eventually talks to Alyssa’s brother, Bryan. He’s feeling the guilt, too. He and Jessica tell each other it was nobody’s fault, the fucking earthquake did it.

Ever since Lila and Todd almost kissed in the Wakefields’ bathroom, neither one of them can stop thinking about it. But for some reason, they keep bickering every time they see each other. It’s really kind of annoying.

Olivia’s funeral is held in the Davidsons’ back yard. While everyone is taking turns saying a few words about Olivia, Liz catches a glimpse of Dana’s snake-shaped arm cuff thing. Suddenly, she remembers the snake in the pool, and that memory is apparently the key to all the other memories. Now she remembers that Devon was too scared to help her, and she’s incredibly pissed off that he would pretend to be a hero.

Everyone says such nice things about Olivia, and Lila, who wants to turn over a new leaf, feels bad that she was too much of a snob to get to know her. After the service, she starts crying and then suddenly Todd is there hugging her. Lila’s fine with that, but then Todd kisses her. She is completely disgusted that he would kiss her at a funeral, so she tells him off and stomps away. She and Amy go shopping.

Liz catches up to Devon as he tries to sneak away from the funeral. She tells him she remembers him running away after the earthquake, but he denies it and insists he saved her. Liz still can’t remember who actually pulled her away from the fire, but she knows it wasn’t him. Other people are leaving the service and there’s now a crowd gathered around Liz and Devon. Ken overhears what they’re talking about and says he saw with his own eyes that some guy he didn’t recognize pulled Enid and Liz away, not Devon. Devon finally admits he lied. He leaves the funeral and thinks it’s about time to get out of Sweet Valley.

Liz and Todd talk that night. They haven’t been able to stop thinking about each other, but Todd is still too hurt to forgive and forget. They decide to take the summer away from each other and see where they stand afterward.

If Ronnie Edwards had a funeral, I didn’t hear about it and nobody attended. Aw, poor Ronnie.

Quotes:

With a big sigh, Lila gave up. She simply hadn’t had enough practice being kind and warm to make a difference in Jessica’s black mood. She wasn’t Elizabeth Wakefield, giving out advice at every opportunity.

And we are forever grateful.

Maybe this walk will help her snap out of it, Elizabeth hoped.

Jessica is feeling suicidal because a little girl died right in front of her, but a walk on the beach is sure to fix things. I think Liz is overestimating the powers of the ocean just a little.

“Enid didn’t know she was going to be on television,” she told Lila.

“There’s no excuse for a dress that bad,” Lila replied.

I love that Lila’s vow to stop being such a snob does not stop her from making fun of Enid’s ugly clothes.

[Ken is] a great friend, Elizabeth thought. No wonder I had that crush on him for a while.

I think you mean, No wonder I cheated on my boyfriend with him and then jealously tried to keep him away from my sister for a while.

The Cover: Where did all these pictures come from? I recognize the ones that are book covers, but what are the rest of them? Are they from the TV show?

Read part one of this miniseries here.

Synopsis:

Despite this being the penultimate book in the series, not a lot actually happens and it only seems to span about an hour of Sweet Valley time. If this were a television show, Earthquake would be a clip episode, with the current action only taking up five to ten minutes and the rest being flashbacks to episodes past.

On the streets of Sweet Valley: Jessica and Steve are both okay, but the Jeep is wrapped around a telephone pole. After administering some first aid to each other, they manage to get on the road, but then have a fight about whether they should go to the gas station to get Billie or go home to Liz. They settle on going for Billie, and once they have her, she and Steve send Jessica on home while they walk up the street to see if they can find Ned and Alice, who went to the movies earlier. Jessica wants nothing more than to get back to Liz because she’s got that freaky twin psychic thing going on and knows Liz is in danger, but on her way home she stops to help a twelve-year-old girl who’s about to fall into a crevasse in the road. Despite her best efforts, the girl falls and Jessica blames herself for her death.

In the Wakefields’ kitchen: Annie has a broken arm, but she, white Maria and Winston are okay. The refrigerator is pinning Olivia’s arm to the floor and Ken is trying to get it off her. Winston and the girls tell him they’ll go for help. Just after they go outside, an aftershock fucks up the house even more and their path back inside is blocked. Olivia is calm and numb. She knows the house is on fire and there’s no way anyone will be able to free her before it gets to her. She tells Ken to go for help, and after a passionate argument, he agrees and starts trying to dig his way out of the house.

In the bathroom: Lila and Todd are trapped because the doorframe has buckled around the door. They spend most of the book bickering, but when Lila realizes there’s a fire, she has flashbacks to John Pfeifer trying to burn her house down. Todd can’t think of any way out.

In the back yard: Ronnie Edwards is dead, smashed by a tree. Most people who are conscious are getting the hell out of dodge. Liz can’t find anyone who will help her save Enid, who is lying in a pool of water right next to some exposed wires. Devon is sitting moodily on the patio refusing to help anyone and Liz spends way too much time trying to convince him to help her. She finally goes to help Enid alone, but falls into the pool. Then, just to make sure the book lasts the requisite 230 pages, a rattlesnake tries to attack her and she beats it away with a piece of crown molding floating nearby. Then she gets out of the pool and goes to Enid, who is uncomfortably close to the raging fire. She starts dragging Enid and almost manages to get away, but then a writhing wire touches her leg. She and Enid slump to the ground, and Liz passes out.

In the end, the cavalry arrives in the form of an EMT team. They get Liz, Enid, Todd and Lila to safety, but are too late to help Olivia.

Quotes:

In the midst of a full-blown disaster – with the house apparently self-destructing around them – Lila was calmly filing her nails.

Duh, Todd. She needs to look good for the rescue team.

The Cover: I guess this ugly piece of crap cover fits in with the “clip show” style of the book. Except…who’s that guy in the bottom left corner? I have never seen that guy before.

The Moral of the Story: If your birthday party is too awesome, the universe will retaliate with an earthquake.

The Big Deal: Birthday party for the twins

Synopsis:

The school year is about to end. For real this time. The twins’ seventeenth birthday is on June 13, and Liz wants to plan a surprise party for Jessica. She decides to rent the Beach Disco for the night. At the same time, Jessica is trying to plan a party for Liz. She decides on an elegant dinner party on the beach. So while Liz is spending her life savings on a deposit and guaranteeing the Beach Disco guys at least a hundred guests, Jessica is borrowing money from Steve to hire a jazz quartet for the beach party. Way to go, twins. When Lila and Amy find out there are going to be two parties, they get Enid and black Maria involved in some kind of scheme, the details of which are being withheld from me in an attempt to create suspense.

As for the rest of Sweet Valley: White Maria breaks up with Winston because he blabs that she sleeps with a teddy bear, Ken breaks up with Olivia because she paints a nude portrait of him and insists on entering it in a school art show, Bruce has been telling everyone he’s going to Harvard next year but hasn’t actually gotten an acceptance letter yet, and Todd and Devon are both moping around pretending they’re over Liz.

Whatever Lila’s plan is, she’s calling it The Plan and it seems to involve everyone bailing on the twins and not helping them plan their respective parties. When Friday the thirteenth rolls around, the twins wake up early and have breakfast with Steve and Billie before school. After school, Jessica and Lila go to the beach and start trying to set up their rented tent, but a couple of beach patrol guys come along and tell them they can’t have a party without a permit. At the same time, Liz and Enid go to the Beach Disco to set up, but the manager tells them he has no record of a Wakefield party. Both twins are devastated, and Lila and Enid take them home. They arrive at the same time, and when they go inside they find a surprise party waiting for them. Hooray! But wait, I still have seventy pages left, so I guess some more drama has to happen.

At the party: The twins get a brand new Jeep. Bruce announces to everyone that he’s turned Harvard down so he can attend Sweet Valley University. Winston and white Maria make up. Ken and Olivia make up. Billie leaves in Steve’s car to get ice, but the car dies. Steve and Jessica take the new Jeep to go get her. Todd drops by to tell Liz that he’ll be spending the summer at a basketball camp and he thinks they shouldn’t try to contact each other during that time. Then he tries to go to the bathroom, but Lila’s taking too long doing her makeup. Todd opens the door and gets ready to throw her out. Devon saw Liz and Todd talking together and it pissed him off, so he picks a fight with Liz. Ken, Olivia, Annie and white Maria are hanging out in the kitchen.

Then there’s an earthquake.

Olivia is crushed by a beam falling from the kitchen ceiling. I’m pretty sure she’s dead. Then the whole Wakefield house pretty much falls to the ground. Out on the road, Jessica crashes the Jeep and hits the windshield. And that’s where the book ends.

Quotes:

“After holding the preprom party and the postprom brunch here, my parents have put me on party probation.”

My goodness, that’s a lot of alliteration. Try saying “postprom brunch” five times fast. And hey, since when do Lila’s parents care how many parties she throws?

Ken Matthews…watched Bruce Patman pull his monogrammed pool cue from the stand. The engraved brass plaque on the handle read 1BRUCE1, the same as the custom license plates on Bruce’s black Porsche.

I love that his pool cue says 1BRUCE1. That is fabulous.

“It’s more than a chance to show my work!” Olivia explained. “What’s at stake is my integrity as an artist. I can’t let anyone else’s notions of propriety compromise my artistic vision!”

1. You are a sixteen-year-old high school kid who likes to paint. You don’t have artistic integrity. 2. There must be some kind of rules about showing another sixteen-year-old’s naked likeness in a school art show.

“I’ve been hoping you’d come to your senses and apologize.”

It seems like Ken’s always saying shit like this and then getting all surprised when whatever chick he’s talking to gets pissed off.

The Cover: This cover is lame. Why are the twins black and white while their cake is in the foreground looking all creepily festive? And what’s with the back cover picture?

The Moral of the Story: All it takes to make everyone get along is a party!

The Big Deal: Big dance, big football game, big party

Synopsis:

The book opens with a dance at which the popular students finally seem to realize that there are other kids at Sweet Valley High. A big fight breaks out over what kind of music the DJ should play. The jocks want to hear the Beach Boys so they can dance to it, Justin Belson and the burnouts want some heavy metal, Keith Wagner and the hippies want something with meaningful lyrics and Dana wants some punk. The arguments escalate until finally Tad “Blubber” Johnson punches Justin in the stomach. And this is why the Droids should always perform at school dances.

Mr. Collins says the dance is officially over, so everyone leaves. The jocks end up at Ken’s house, where Jessica has to defend her sister, who dragged Todd off to the Dairi Burger. Olivia goes home and feels sorry for herself because she’s so weird that she doesn’t even know which group she fits into. She gets online and goes to her favorite chatroom, Virtual Hangout. She feels so much more confident under her screen name, Freeverse, because she can just be herself and nobody cares how she dresses. You know, Olivia, your clothes seem to cause you an awful lot of stress. Maybe you should, you know, stop dressing that way. Olivia meets a guy whose screen name is Quarter and they start flirting. Olivia has no idea the Quarter is really Ken, who’s been feeling all sad and lonely since he broke up with Jessica.

Things at school aren’t going very well. Somebody puts a copy of Blubber’s D quality homework on a bulletin board, so the jocks get their revenge by spraypainting “Die, wimps, hippies, punks, and brains,” on the cafeteria wall. Then the hippies put little cards that say “Make Love – Not Football” in everyone’s lockers. It’s all very stupid. Then there’s a big football game. When Blubber goes out on the field, Nicky Shepard (I guess he’s back from San Francisco) starts booing him and calling him stupid. Blubber runs right into the stands and beats the crap out of him. Sweet Valley forfeits the game. Todd and the twins go to Casey’s afterward and Liz gets all bitchy and self-righteous when Jessica and Todd agree that Nicky got what he deserved for being an ass. She accuses them of sticking together just because they’re both jocks. Ken and Olivia each go home to their respective computers after the game, and I’m subjected to like ten pages of their crappy conversation. All you need to know is that they’re falling in e-love. They even have a cyber kiss that was a little uncomfortable to read about.

Freeverse and Quarter think it’s time to meet in person. For some reason, each thinks the other goes to El Carro High, so they decide on an ice cream shop in El Carro. Ken and Olivia get to the place and wave at each other, then they’re both upset when their dates stand them up. Even though Freeverse and Quarter have both explained to each other in detail what they look like, Ken and Olivia don’t get it. They wait a while, and then they each go home and get on their computers. They finally figure it out, and Olivia is pissed that Ken never mentioned online that he played football. For some reason, this matters very much to her and she doesn’t want to talk to him anymore.

Jessica has been stringing along two football players, Danny Porter and Bryce Fisherman. She gets them to agree to a joint date because neither guy wants to leave the other alone with Jessica. The three of them decide to go over to Blubber’s house to see how he’s doing. Blubber is in big trouble. His grades have been going down the tubes, and now with all the violence he’s exhibiting, he’s been suspended from school and the football team. When Jessica, Bryce and Danny get to his house, an ambulance is wheeling him out on a stretcher. He tried to kill himself because of all this crap that’s been going on. Oh, and his parents are splitting up.

The clique war kind of takes a break for a few days while everyone digests what happened to Blubber, but Liz and Olivia are sure it’s only temporary. They decide the best way to fix everything is to have a Walk in Each Other’s Shoes party in the school gym. Everyone has to borrow clothes from someone they wouldn’t normally associate with and wear them to the party. Of course, it’s a huge success. Lila dresses in somebody’s grungy clothes and dances with Justin Belson, who is wearing one of Bruce’s tuxedos. Bruce has borrowed someone’s pocket protector and polyester pants. Keith dresses in Todd’s clothes and wins the heart of Jessica, who is dressed as Dana. Liz wears Lila’s clothes, Todd dresses as Nicky Shepard and Mr. Collins borrows Todd’s basketball uniform, all the better to confuse Liz, I imagine. Oh, Liz and Todd make up, of course.

Olivia wears Claire’s football uniform and Ken comes dressed as a hippie. Ken apologizes for not being totally honest and Olivia apologizes for being so judgmental. They dance together and, I don’t know, I guess they’re a couple now.

Quotes:

“Hi, all!” Olivia typed. “Anyone ever feel all alone in a room full of people? : (“ She ended with an emoticon, a frowning face that could be read sideways, and then hit enter to send the message.

Yes, I got to learn all about emoticons and LOL and chatrooms and flaming.

Claire had been dating the powerful linebacker since a few weeks after he’d transferred to Sweet Valley High – since just after Jessica refused to go steady with Michael [Lewis].

Oh, I guess this actually happened.

“This is so bizarre,” Enid said. “Everyone usually gets along just fine.”

I know, Enid. It’s much easier for everyone to get along when we can pretend half the students don’t actually exist.

“When [Liz and Todd] are mad at each other, the whole school feels it.”

Ugh. Why?

“And then you kiss me back, Freeverse, long and hard. And nothing has ever rocked me the way your kiss does.”

Ew.

The Cover: I hate this cover. This chick looks like she’s thirty years old and I just don’t see Olivia wearing that. And then on the inside we’ve got some denim tuxedoed guy making her laugh for some reason. Blah.

The Moral of the Story: If you pretend to be a princess, you’ll get kidnapped for ransom money.

The Big Deal: New York City! Woohoo!

Synopsis:

There’s been an earthquake in Sweet Valley (don’t worry, no refrigerators have fallen on anyone) and the school is going to be closed for a week while the roof is repaired. Lila will be spending the week in New York City and she’s invited Jessica to come along. Lila somehow misses the flight, so Jessica goes alone. She ends up sitting next to Ryder Mitchell, a teen rock star. During the course of the plane ride, Ryder and Jessica fall in love. Of course they do. The plane has to land in New Orleans because of some sort of mechanical difficulties, and Jessica and Ryder go out on the town. Ryder tells Jessica his manager is making him go to New York to announce his engagement to Deirdra La Monde, some other teen sensation. Ryder has only met the chick once and doesn’t even hardly like her, and now that he’s met Jessica he’s decided to call the whole thing off. When they get to New York, Ryder tells Jessica to give him a couple days to let things blow over, and he’ll meet her on Valentine’s Day at the top of the Empire State Building.

Because of Jessica’s plane troubles, Lila gets to the Plaza Hotel first. When she walks in, she’s a little surprised to have a bunch of photographers take her picture, but she really doesn’t think anything of it and chalks it up to people knowing how important she really is. Man, I love Lila, ego and all. The hotel staff keeps calling her “princess” and they give her the penthouse suite. She thinks this is all just as it should be, but she can’t figure out why the desk staff can’t get her messages right. She goes to the hotel restaurant to have dinner and is shocked to see Bo there. He flew in to New York to surprise her, but he’s upset that she blew him off that morning. Lila has no idea what he’s talking about until the next morning when she goes downstairs to the lobby and sees Bo being threatened by a bunch of bodyguards. The bodyguards are surrounding a girl who looks just like Lila. Lila looks at a newspaper and sees a picture of herself arriving at the hotel, but the article is about Princess Charlotte from some nonsense country.

When Jessica arrives, she, Lila and Bo take full advantage of the mix-up. They get excellent treatment everywhere they go. Meanwhile, the real Princess is also taking advantage of this opportunity to hang out in New York without anybody bothering her. She meets a guy named Allan and they work at a soup kitchen together. Hmm, she sounds an awful lot like Princess Eliana. All princesses really have hearts of gold and all they really want is to work in soup kitchens.

On Valentine’s Day, Jessica and Lila spend all day getting ready for their dates and then hop into a cab. The cab is unfortunately being driven by a couple of bad guys who think they’ve kidnapped Princess Charlotte. Bo knows something is wrong when Lila doesn’t show for their date, but the police just think he’s been stood up. Bo, rich as he is, decides to call a television station and buy some ad time. Ryder is in his hotel room feeling sorry for himself when he sees Jessica’s face on TV. He learns that she’s missing and calls the number on the television. Bo tells him to come on over to his hotel room.

The bad guys, Vincent and Mr. G, finally figure out they fucked up and Lila’s not really a princess. They’re all set to kill the girls when Lila tells them she’s the daughter of a wealthy man. The bad guys can’t get a hold of Mr. or Mrs. Fowler, so they think Lila’s lying. Lila tells them about Bo and says he’d pay anything to get her and Jessica back. So they call Bo’s hotel room and tell him to bring a million dollars to Yankee stadium.

Jessica and Lila manage to get themselves untied and then lock the kidnappers in the room. They escape the stadium in the bad guys’ cab, and just miss Bo and Ryder coming in. The boys find the room the kidnappers are locked in, go inside and get clubbed over the head and locked in. Ugh, this is annoying. Jessica and Lila, instead of calling the police, go back to their hotel. Bo isn’t in his room and they run around searching for him. Lila runs into Princess Charlotte. The princess, grateful to Lila for inadvertently giving her a few days of freedom, listens to the girls’ story about their kidnapping and how they now think their boyfriends are being held prisoner. Charlotte sends her very own bodyguards to the stadium and they burst into the storage room just as Vincent and Mr. G are about to kill Ryder and Bo.

A day or two later, Ryder puts on a spontaneous concert at the Empire State Building. Jessica gets to kiss him on stage. It’s all very exciting.

Quotes:

The moment Lila stepped onto the red carpet in front of the hotel, the cameras of dozens of paparazzi started flashing…Lila tossed back her brown hair and waved regally, gracing the photographers with a dazzling smile. This is the kind of welcome I deserve! she thought.

I absolutely love that this is Lila’s reaction to unexpected paparazzi.

The Cover: What a boring cover, especially the inside. I don’t see any reason this one had to be a stepback.

The Moral of the Story: If you try to have sex with your girlfriend, an avalanche will get you.

The Big Deal: Ski trip, “welcome back from being trapped in an avalanche” party for Todd

Synopsis:

It’s spring break again and this time we’re off to Colorado for a ski trip. Sixteen students, including the twins, Lila, Enid, Todd and Winston, and two chaperones will be making the trip. Lila and Jessica get themselves a couple of “snow bunny” outfits and vow to break hearts all week long. Todd is feeling horny. Everyone is teasing Liz about all the alone time she’ll have with Todd, but she keeps saying they’re being silly, they’ll have roommates and chaperones to keep them company. Everyone gets on some super duper bus that has bunk beds or something, and they drive through the night. While everyone is sleeping, Todd sneaks up the aisle and lays down next to Liz and spoons her. She wakes up and tells him to go away, then Mr. Collins yells for Todd to get back to his own bunk.

Their first day on the slopes, Lila and Jessica meet a gorgeous ski instructor named Lucas King and start acting like they don’t know how to ski, because everyone knows guys hate chicks that know how to do stuff. Jessica manages to get away from Lila and then finagle Lucas into agreeing to a whole day’s worth of lessons. Lila is pissed. They make a deal. Whoever kisses Lucas first wins, and the loser has to ski down Devil’s Run, the most dangerous slope.

That night, Todd walks Liz upstairs when she says she wants to go to sleep. Inspiration strikes and he says he wants to show her his room. She figures he just wants a more private goodnight kiss, so she goes along. Todd starts getting fresh and Liz’s poor sensibilities just can’t take it when he tells her he’s arranged for Winston to sleep somewhere else that night. She looks horrified and stalks into the bathroom. Todd thinks she just wants to freshen up before they get “more intimate.” He settles onto the bed, looking all smug, and Liz comes out of the bathroom and pours a glass of water in his lap. Todd never takes down the Do Not Disturb sign, so poor Winston has to sleep in the lobby all night.

Liz manages to avoid Todd most of the next day, but he eventually finds her and tries to talk. Liz skis away from the path to get away from him. He follows her, and then there’s an avalanche. He loses Liz, but some thirty-something woman in red who’s been eyeing Todd all day comes along and takes him to a cabin. The woman introduces herself as Cassandra, and Todd thinks over and over again how attractive she is. He tears his eyes away from Cassandra long enough to build a fire and call the ski patrol on the handy radio in the kitchen. Liz is in the ski patrol cabin and she hears his voice so she knows he’s okay, but then the radio goes out and she doesn’t hear anything more.

Cassandra flirts with Todd all evening and he’s all, “But Mrs. Robinson!” He lets her have the bed while he sleeps on the couch. He wakes up in the middle of the night to find this thirty-year-old woman kissing him. He freaks out and pushes her away. Uh, lady? People get arrested for that sort of thing.

Enid is feeling ugly again, like she does anytime she goes anywhere with the Wakefield twins. She’s still sad about her breakup with Hugh and she’s determined to meet some guy on this trip and make him fall in love with her. She has a book called A Hundred and One Ways to be Sassy on the Slopes. Enid does everything the book tells her to do, but she keeps attracting guys she doesn’t like. She’s pretty picky for an ugly loser, don’t you think?

Liz is out of her mind worrying about Todd. She insists on staying in the ski patrol cabin. A ski patrol guy named Dirk lets her stay and pretty much breaks all kinds of rules for her. Liz keeps telling him she wants to go with him to search for Todd and he lets her, even though it’s really dangerous. They eventually figure out which cabin Todd is in, and Liz is the first one through the door after they dig the snow away. She walks in and sees Todd and Cassandra kissing. (Really, Cassandra was kissing Todd and he was trying to get away from her, but let’s not tell Liz.) Later, Liz is sitting in front of the fire in the lobby of the lodge, feeling sorry for herself. Dirk sits next to her and tells her what a jerk Todd is, and then he kisses her. Liz tries to push him away, but then, of course, Todd comes up behind them and starts yelling at Liz. Oh, god, I hate you guys. I’ll save you some suspense and tell you they get back together in the end. Of course.

Lila finds out about a party Lucas is going to and slips away to crash it. Jessica is looking out the window when Lila gets back, and she sees Lucas and Lila kissing. Hooray for Lila getting the guy before Jessica! Jessica starts down Devil’s Run the next day, but Lucas finds out and goes speeding over there, much to Lila’s chagrin, because he still thinks Jessica and Lila are beginners. Jessica is actually doing just fine, but she sees Lucas zooming toward her and gets distracted. She crashes into him, fracturing her ankle and spraining his. Lucas decides to stay at the lodge to be close to the clinic, so the next day, Jessica sneaks over to his room while Lila is skiing. They hang out on the couch and just after they start making out, along comes Lila. Jessica tells her to go away. So Lila pays a room service guy fifty bucks to let her hide under his cart. When he pushes the cart into Lucas’ room, Lila jumps out from under the tablecloth and she and Jessica start screaming at each other. Lucas peaces out. Jessica and Lila find him later at Todd’s Welcome Back party, making out with Enid.

Quotes:

“A snow bunny, Jess?” Elizabeth asked, her tone horrified. “Don’t you see how that kind of language just supports the sexist stereotypes that women—”

“Lighten up, Liz,” Jessica urged.

Seriously.

The Cover: Ooh, look at that sexy naked arm helping to hang that Do Not Disturb sign up. As for the inner cover, I have no idea who that’s supposed to be. Todd and Liz? Liz and Dirk? Jessica and Lucas? No idea.

The moral of the story: Kansas sucks.

The Big Deal: Party at Annie Sue Sawyer’s house and a big square dance.

Synopsis:

For their spring break, the twins are off to Walkersville, Kansas. They will be staying with their mother’s aunt and uncle, the Walkers. Alice tells them how quaint and lovely Walkersville is and suggests Jessica dress conservatively. We don’t want her to scare the simple folk in Kansas and Uncle Herman is mayor of Walkersville, so we don’t want anyone thinking badly of the family. When they get there, the twins are just delighted at what a “sweet little town” Walkersville is. Aunt Shirley and Uncle Herman take them on a tour of the town. Jessica wanders off to flirt with some guys and then can’t figure out why their girlfriends seem to hate her. None of the town’s teenage girls (all six of ‘em) are interested in being friends with the twins.

There’s a carnival in town and the twins are all excited to go. Mrs. Walker doesn’t like Jessica’s outfit (a jumpsuit with rhinestones on it) and pats her hair nervously when Jessica insists on wearing it. She warns the girls not to get involved with the “carnies” because that sort of thing is frowned upon here in Walkersville. So the first thing Jessica does is fall in love with the carnival owner’s son, Alex. And it turns out he has an identical twin named Brad who would be perfect for Liz because he wants to be a journalist. As they’re conversing, Annie Sue, the ringleader of the Walkersville Witches (I just made that up myself), comes over with her boyfriend Dennis, who thinks Jessica’s rhinestones are diamonds, and tries to take Alex’s attention away from the twins. It doesn’t work and she stalks off. Jessica makes plans to meet Alex after the carnival closes, but when she tells Aunt Shirley, the woman clutches her heart and asks for her pills, because people from Kansas never go out alone at night. So Jessica pretends to go to bed and sneaks out.

The next day the twins are volunteering at their uncle’s soda shop when Dennis and his buddies come in. The twins are hanging out with them and having a good time, but then Annie Sue and her friends show up and Annie Sue starts telling lies about the twins making fun of her. She gets everyone to leave the soda shop and the twins decide to ignore her, but later that day Annie Sue’s grandmother invites them to spend the day at her family’s farm. When they get there, Annie Sue isn’t there yet but her little sister Janie has been instructed to be a total brat to the twins. Annie Sue’s grandmother is a very pleasant old woman and she and Aunt Shirley both think there must be some reasonable explanation for why Annie Sue and her friends never show for lunch because Annie Sue is such a sweet girl. The twins are mortified about getting stood up. Whatever. If it was me, I’d be happy the bitch didn’t show. More food for me and less bitchery, too.

Liz goes into town and notices a couple of Annie Sue’s friends wearing headbands and sweatshirt dresses just like Jessica’s. The twins are like Regina George, everyone wants to look like them because they’re so fab and Kansas has never seen anything like them. Liz spends the afternoon with Brad and gets all freaked out when she realizes he’s crushing on her because what about Jeffrey? It’s really hard being so damned adorable.

Jessica keeps sneaking out to see Alex. Every night at nine o’clock she says she’s exhausted and going to bed, then she goes out. Aunt Shirley and Uncle Herman are ridiculous and start to get worried that Jessica’s depressed or bored or sick and oh my god, this book is freaking horrible. Annie Sue sees Jessica making out with Alex that night and Jessica knows she’s going to get in trouble for being with a “carnie.” Sure enough, the next day Annie Sue demands Jessica give her the headband she’s wearing or she’ll tattle. Jessica, instead of letting Annie Sue just go ahead and tell the Walkers what she saw and then claiming it’s a lie, gives in.

The twins are planning to go to the Big Square Dance with Alex and Brad on their last night in town, but the Walkers get all freaked out about it and say they have to discuss it before coming to a decision. I fucking hate this book. They end up deciding the twins will not be allowed to go to the square dance with two boys whose families the Walkers don’t know anything about. Jessica runs away from the dinner table and then sneaks out to see Alex one last time.

Jessica gets to the corral (did I mention Alex is the carnival’s horse guy?) just in time for Alex to run off to meet with Annie Sue’s father, who will be buying the horse Jessica has grown fond of. He asks Jessica to watch the corral and then leaves. And just then Annie Sue comes along and decides she can ride Midnight since he’s almost hers anyway. The horse freaks out because he’s not entirely trained yet and Jessica has to save the day.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Aunt Shirley finds out Jessica has left the house without permission and just about loses her mind over it. She, Uncle Herman and Liz hop in the car and head for the carnival. They get there just as Alex and Jessica are calming Midnight down and saving Annie Sue from getting thrown. Annie Sue, her father, Alex and Jessica each take a turn insisting to the crowd that has gathered that the whole thing was his or her fault, and then someone suggests a round of applause for Alex and Jessica. Annie Sue apologizes to Jessica and explains that the reason she was so terrible was that she was jealous and insecure. Because, you know, she’s from Kansas so she’s not glamorous and she’s never dated an older guy like Jessica has. Annie Sue makes everyone go back to her house for a big party to celebrate almost getting thrown off a horse. Liz sees a cut on Alex’s hand, notices it’s in the same place Brad cut himself a few days ago and realizes there is no Brad. Alex is just one guy who’s been playing the twins for a coupl’a foo’s. Liz tells Alex to make an excuse for why Brad can’t go to the square dance and she’ll go along with it to save Jessica from getting hurt.

At the square dance, Liz and Annie Sue make Alex miserable by making him switch dance partners all night. And then he apologizes and Liz kisses him on the cheek. Or something. I don’t care. The book ends and Shannon breathes a sigh of relief. The end.

Worst book ever. The twins’ aunt and uncle are portrayed as simpletons from yesteryear, Annie Sue’s boyfriend has never seen rhinestones before, Annie Sue has a “Sue” in her name, everyone lives on a farm. The list of stereotypes goes on and on. The worst, the absolute worst, is the over-the-top-ness of Aunt Shirley. Clutching her heart every time something out of the ordinary happens, not letting the twins out of her sight. Ugh.

Quotes:

“I met a nice guy there tonight, and I’m supposed to meet him when the carnival shuts down.”

“You met–” Aunt Shirley turned white. “Herman,” she said weakly, clutching her heart. “My pills–”

No joke.

“Left? Left where? Herman!” Mrs. Walker called, clutching her heart. “Something terrible has happened–Jessica’s run away!”

This book is so horrible.

The Cover: They actually wear those outfits to the square dance. The only thing changed is Liz’s shirt, which is supposed to have red and white checks.

The moral of the story: Something horrible could happen to your sister, so it’s best to let her walk all over you your whole life. Hey, at least she’s alive!

The Big Deal: The Snow Ball and a party to kick off the carnival

Synopsis:

Liz and Enid have entered a contest to appear on a new trivia show, but Jessica and Amy copy their entry form and win the contest. Liz is pissed. Meanwhile, everyone’s getting all excited about the Winter Carnival. It’s a “special weekend” for juniors, seniors and SVH alumni at a ski resort an hour and a half outside Sweet Valley. Enid is co-chairperson of the committee organizing the dance that highlights the whole weekend. She thinks it’s just hilarious when Winston wants to call the dance the Snow Ball. That’s nothing. I once wound up at an event for optometrists called the Eye Ball. True story.

The cheerleading squad gets nominated for All-State while Liz gets only an Honorable Mention in some writing contest. Liz starts feeling jealous of Jessica. Then Jessica takes credit for a dinner Liz cooked and Liz gets even more upset, but of course she doesn’t speak up or anything. And then Liz has to cancel a date with Jeffrey because Jessica won’t be home to make the salad for dinner. A salad, you guys. And you know why Jessica won’t be home? She and Amy are studying for the trivia show and they go to the library to find out what the longest river in Africa is. How sad is that? When Jessica comes home and joins the rest of the family at dinner, she’s wearing one of Liz’s sweaters. And when Liz, for the first time ever, gets mad and calls Jessica out, her parents basically tell her to shut up because dinner conversation should be pleasant. Damn, we’re really piling it on thick here. Poor Liz. She confronts Jessica after dinner that night and Jessica promises to be more respectful. But then Jessica messes up a phone message for Liz that results in Mr. Collins’ son Teddy not getting the ride home Liz was supposed to give him. Liz is furious and lets Jessica know it. Jessica decides she can’t possibly be the only thing upsetting Liz so much; there must be something else bothering her.

Todd is coming to town to go to the carnival and also to attend some award banquet. He’s invited Liz to join him and she’s looking forward to it even though it means she won’t be able to make it to the carnival’s opening party with Jeffrey. But of course she doesn’t tell Jeffrey because she’s hoping the dinner will be moved to another night (interesting logic there). Todd calls and leaves a message with Jessica to tell Liz that dinner is definitely on Friday. Determined to get the message right, Jessica gives Liz the message but she does it right in front of Jeffrey. He gets all pissed off that Liz was sneaky, which I totally understand. Then Liz gets all pissed that he’s pissed and I hate everyone in Sweet Valley. They try to work it out, but Jeffrey wants Liz to break her date with Todd and Liz refuses.

Liz gets a note from Jeffrey in her locker. He’ll be at Las Palmas Canyon until six o’clock and would like Liz to meet him there. If she doesn’t show, he’ll “assume the worst.” Jessica and Amy are going to the television station for the trivia contest, but Jessica promises to have the car back by four-thirty. So Liz’s whole relationship relies on Jessica keeping a promise. I can see where this is heading. Jessica and Amy win the contest (how the fuck did they manage that?) and go out for pizza. Predictably, Jessica loses track of time. Liz is livid. But can we also be mad at Jeffrey? I mean, he didn’t ask her if she was free or anything, just kind of said, “I’ll be in this place at this time and if you don’t show up our relationship is over.”

Jessica wants to fix things, so when Todd gets into town she finds him and tells him what a big deal the carnival party is and implies he should let Liz off the hook with the award banquet so she can go. So Todd tells Liz she doesn’t have to go to the banquet and she gets all depressed that he doesn’t want to hang out with her. Jeez, there is just no pleasing this chick. Jessica sees that her plan isn’t working so she forges a note from Liz telling Jeffrey to meet her at the lodge that night at six-thirty, but she doesn’t have a chance to tell Liz because she and Amy miss the bus to Mont Blanc. They have to drive and Jessica gets there just in time to meet Jeffrey and pretend to be Liz. Someone sees them together and tells the real Liz, who assumes Jessica is moving in on her man. She gets all crazed and packs her stuff back up and goes home.

Jessica calls the house to explain and Liz hangs up on her. She’s totally pissed off, and just when she’s starting to get over her fierce twin worship, the police call to tell her Jessica has been in a car accident and is in the emergency room. Todd miraculously shows up and gives her a ride to the hospital. Jessica is dead. The next two weeks are horrible. Enid decides to have a small get-together at her house for Jessica’s closest friends. Jeffrey shows up and gets mad that Todd is there. They go outside to fight. And then Liz hears someone calling her name. It sounds like Jessica…

Liz wakes up. It was just a dream! Cara, Jeffrey, Jessica and Steven have made it safely back to Sweet Valley. Everyone who was fighting makes up and they all go back to the lodge the next day. Jeffrey even offers Todd a ride. They all have a wonderful time. Hooray!

I think a more appropriate title would have been “Before the Winter Carnival.” Nobody even shows up there until page 150.

Quotes:

If only Jessica had thought to ask her before–

Elizabeth squelched the disloyal thought before she could finish it. Jessica was Jessica, and that was all there was to it. Though she was only four minutes older than her identical twin, Elizabeth had always felt strangely protective of her. And she was annoyed with herself now for criticizing her sister’s behavior, even to herself.

Guys, this is page two. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through this book.

“My mom got me a beautiful dress. It’s strapless and glittery. Very ice-age,” Cara said with a giggle.

Ice-age? I don’t think that means what you think it means.

“You took my heart, girl, which was ice,” Dana sang, closing her eyes. “One look from you and I’m on fire, so let’s just listen to our hearts, girl. Lift our hearts up even higher…”

Is Dana a lesbian? Did I miss that somewhere? And man, what awful lyrics.

The Cover: “Hi, we’re the Wakefield twins! We’d like to welcome you to beautiful Mont Blanc, where there’s plenty of skiing and skating for everyone. If you visit Mont Blanc you’ll be as happy and beautiful as we are, so come on down!”