Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: If you have a sad enough story, you’re allowed to be a criminal and escape punishment.

The Big Deal: We’re still in France.

Synopsis:

The royal children come down to the dungeon, tie up the guard and unlock the door so the twins can escape. Jessica thinks they should stick around because running away will make them look guilty, but Liz says that without Jacques, they have no proof of their innocence. They take off for town in search of Jacques, but they turn around when Liz realizes she just has to see Laurent one more time. The children meet them outside the castle and one of them goes to get Laurent. He and Liz have a passionate embrace or two and then the horrible countess comes outside and starts yelling at the twins. Jessica tears Liz out of Laurent’s arms and they go running into the woods. After a while, Liz twists her ankle. Jessica builds a shelter out of tree branches and the twins go to sleep.

Later that night, Jacques gets the feeling that Jessica is in trouble. He really loves her, so he steals a horse and goes riding around trying to find her. He runs into Laurent, who is also out searching for the twins. Jacques offers to help, but he doesn’t want Laurent around if he finds the twins, so he sends him back to the castle, saying he’ll contact him in three hours. Laurent talks to his parents, who tell him they can get the countess not to prosecute the twins if Laurent promises to marry Antonia. Laurent agrees. Jacques finds the twins looking for him in town. They yell and scream at him at first, but then he tells him his whole sad story about how his mother died. Jessica cries and gives him a big hug and even Liz feels bad for him. They ask if he has the diamond necklace and he says he has to go get it from his father and he’ll be right back. He comes back with a note from his father that says he took the necklace. Jacques decides to sacrifice himself for Jessica, so he goes back to the castle with them. They get there just as Laurent is announcing his betrothal to Antonia. Jacques goes to the podium and tells everyone he’s the one who really stole the countess’s jewels. The guards take him away and throw him in the dungeon. Jessica tries to break him out, but fails epically.

Laurent decides he absolutely will not marry Antonia. The countess is pissed. She goes to Liz and tells her there will be an “international incident” if Laurent and Antonia don’t hook up, and that will only happen if Liz gets out of Dodge. Liz freaks out, and without even sparing a thought for Jessica, she packs her bags and takes off for the train station. One of the kids, Pierre, overhears all of this and he goes to tell Laurent. Laurent gets on his trusty steed and gallops away. He gets to the train just as it starts moving, so he’s able to be all dashing and jump onto the train and order the driver to stop. He sweeps Liz off her feet and asks her to marry him. She’s a little overwhelmed at this point and can only stutter, so he tells her to give him an answer later. For now, he’ll just go ahead and take her back to the castle.

That night, Laurent wakes up to find a stranger in his room. The man introduces himself as Jacques’ father. He tells Laurent the same sad story Jacques told the twins: his seamstress wife died because her rich customers wouldn’t help pay for her medicines, so he’s been stealing from rich people ever since. Laurent is just as touched by this story as the twins were, and he gives Louis some money and tells him how to break Jacques out of the dungeon. Seriously? I mean, yeah, that’s a sad story, but dude. The guy’s an international jewel thief.

So, in the end, Jacques and his father go free, Liz tells Laurent she can’t marry him, and then she goes home and makes out with Todd. Dammit, I hoped they were really broken up this time.

Quotes:

“Come on,” Elizabeth grumbled. “Let’s find Jacques and get this thing straightened out so I can take a bath and change clothes. I feel totally grungy.”

You’ve escaped from a dungeon and you’re now hiding in the woods. Is your hygiene really the most important issue here?

“You must swear on your sister’s life, Jessica,” he insisted.

He’s so sexy when he’s intense like this, Jessica thought, her heart thumping.

Yeah, my sister’s mortality always whips me into a frenzy.

The Cover: Whenever I look at this cover, all I can think of is These Happy Golden Years by Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: If you’re an American in France, you’ll get locked in a dungeon.

The Big Deal: A royal ball

Synopsis:

Jessica is happy that Jacques has come to see her and she can’t wait to let the duke of Norveaux parade her around as his girlfriend. She seems to have forgotten that the housekeeper told her that Norveaux doesn’t actually exist. Jacques dashes her hopes when he says he can’t be seen in the castle. He makes up some story about a feud between his family and the de Saint-Maries. Jessica buys it. Jacques continues to sneak over to the castle on a daily basis, and every day he tries to get into Jessica’s room. Jessica leaves for a minute and when she comes back, she finds Jacques rummaging around her pile of dirty clothes. He tells her he’s folding her clothes to show her he’s a modern man. Jessica buys it. Another time, he asks Jessica to give her back the “fake” emerald he gave her on the train. He says she deserves a real gem and he can’t bear the thought of her wearing a fake. Jessica buys it, but keeps the emerald. Another time, he starts choking and coughing and begging for water. Jessica buys it and leaves to get him a glass of water. As soon as she closes the door, Jacques stops coughing. She peeks into the room and sees him pocketing her jewelry case. They wrestle for it and Jacques even gives her a pearl bracelet to replace the emerald, but Jessica insists on keeping it. She doesn’t know that Jacques and his father are thieves who promised the emerald to a client. When Jacques tells her she only wants to keep it because she’s ignorant, it finally pisses Jessica off enough that she tells him she never wants to see him again.

Liz is having the time of her life with Prince Laurent. Then one day, Laurent’s parents tell him he needs to announce his decision to marry Antonia, the horrible countess’s daughter. Laurent wants nothing to do with her and tells his parents he’s in love with the au pair. They are, of course, scandalized. Laurent doesn’t contact Liz for a whole day and Liz gets freaked out. She goes out to the cottage to see him, but he’s all cold and distant. She storms off in a huff. Laurent comes to see her the next night and tells her he loves her. They make out.

A diamond necklace goes missing from Antonia’s room and the countess is sure one of the servants took it. The twins convince themselves the countess stole it herself for the insurance money. They go searching in countess’s suite, but find nothing. That’s because Jacques took the necklace and gave it to his father to sell.

Liz overhears some servants talking about Prince Laurent announcing his engagement at the upcoming ball. Because the world revolves around her, she misunderstands their meaning and assumes Prince Laurent is going to announce his marriage to her. She immediately runs upstairs to her room so she can write in her journal. She works herself into a frenzy before deciding she should just go to Laurent’s cottage and talk to him. When she gets there, she finds Laurent in the garden, holding hands with Antonia and having a chat with the countess. Liz goes off on him for not having told her about his engagement. She runs back to the castle and sobs in Jessica’s arms.

The twins get to go to the ball that night because they will be performing a tableau with the children. Jessica decides to wear the damned emerald to the ball. When the countess sees it, she freaks out. After the tableau, the twins go to their rooms to change into their ball gowns. The countess brings a couple guards up to the servant quarters and has them throw the twins in the dungeon. Jessica finally realizes Jacques is a thief.

Quotes:

“Maybe I should wear more makeup,” [Elizabeth] whispered, turning her head from side to side to study the various angles of her face. “How would I look with a more dramatic style, like Jessica’s?”

You’d probably look like Jessica.

“This bracelet is totally awesome.”

I think it’s at this point in time that the ghostwriters discovered the word “awesome.” It seems to appear at least once in every chapter of this book.

I might be left in this medieval dungeon to die…because of Jacques Landeau!

Yeah, Jessica seems to be under the impression that she’s locked in this dungeon and nobody will ever find her.

The Cover: Blond twins shackled to each other in a dungeon. Giggity. (Ew, I just grossed myself out.)

The Moral of the Story: There’s a prince at the end of every hedge maze.

The Big Deal: Going away party for the twins at Lila’s, big trip to France

Synopsis:

The school year has ended and the twins are off to France to be au pairs for the summer. They’ll be watching the kids of some royal couple, the de Saint-Maries. The night before they leave, Lila throws a big bon voyage bash. Jessica is bored and anxious to just be in France already. Liz isn’t looking forward to being away from Todd for a month and she pulls him away from the party for some alone time. Todd tells her he wants them to see other people for the summer. Liz, who prefers cheating to breaking up, is totally pissed and leaves the party in tears.

The twins arrive in France and get on a train. On what turns out to be the longest train ride ever, Liz sulks while Jessica talks to a cute guy, Jacques, and his father, Louis. Jacques claims his father is the duke of Norveaux, and Jessica is suitably impressed. By the time the men get off the train, Jacques and Jessica are in love and making out. Jacques gives her a huge emerald before he leaves, and promises to come visit her at the de Saint-Maries’ castle. A little while later, a countess on the train starts screaming that one of her gems is missing. The countess is horrible and mean and thinks the twins are scum because they’re not royalty. Unfortunately, the countess and her daughter are also going to be spending the summer with the de Saint-Maries.

The twins’ first day on the job, little Pierre runs into the hedge maze and Liz goes after him. She gets lost for a while, but finally finds the kid peeking through the hedges at Prince Laurent, his half-brother, who is having a little fencing practice in front of a cottage. Prince Laurent de Saint-Marie is eighteen years old and he dreams of meeting a beautiful blond girl with blue eyes and a heart of gold. How convenient. Liz checks him out through the hedges, then Pierre leads her out of the maze. Liz yells at Jessica for letting Pierre run off and the twins start shouting at each other in front of everyone. They decide they can’t work together anymore, so they split the days into shifts so only one of them is with the children at a time.

A letter from Todd comes for Liz, but Jessica burns it before Liz can see it. Damn, I really wanted to know what he had to say for himself. Then Jessica talks to Anna, another servant, and asks what she knows about the duke of Norveaux. Anna says there’s no such thing and Jessica is disillusioned. She can’t believe some guy she didn’t even know would lie to her.

Liz goes to take a walk before dinner one day and gets lost in the hedge maze again. Idiot. It starts to rain and by the time she finds the cottage on the other side, she’s totally soaked and freezing. Prince Laurent lets her in and they spend the entire night talking. When Liz gets back to the castle the next morning, Jessica is so happy to see her that she declares their fight over. Until the next week when Liz skips out on baby-sitting duties to go horseback riding with Laurent. The prince takes her to some romantic spot and tells her he had a dream about her before they met. Liz thinks that’s totally cool because she’d had a dream about him on the plane ride over. They make out.

Back at the castle, Jessica puts the kids to bed and goes up to the tiny attic bedroom she’s disappointed to call her own. Someone grabs her and puts a hand over her mouth. She struggles and squirms, but then a “sexy voice” tells her to be still. She turns around and is overjoyed to see Jacques. She thinks it’s a little weird that he lied about being a duke’s son, and that he sneaked into the castle like a creeper, and that he was going through her bureau, but she makes out with him anyway.

Quotes:

“I just can’t wait to get out of Sweet Valley,” Jessica explained. “I feel like I’ve been dancing with the same ten cute guys my whole life.”

And I feel like I’ve been reading about it my whole life.

Jessica had traveled in the past, and she had even spent some time in England as an intern at the London Times. But still, it seemed strange to be in the midst of a non-English-speaking crowd.

This whole book, the twins act like they’ve never been to France before.

Jessica frowned. She had hoped they would eat with the royal family at the regal dinner table that they had passed.

Why would you assume something like that? You’re the baby-sitter.

“I was dating a guy named Cameron, but it didn’t work out.”

Just in case you were wondering about the relationship Jessica spent the last three books desperately pursuing, it “fizzled out” because Cameron had to travel on business all the time.

The Cover: Jessica, take off that stupid beret and the dumb scarf. You are not really French and your shoes are totally wrong for that outfit. Liz, you just keep on rockin’ your barrettes and floral luggage.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Nothing brings people together like a crazed woodsman.

The Big Deal: Summer camp color war

Synopsis:

Even though camp is almost over, Liz is suddenly all spooked out by the camp legend, which is this: A long time ago, a counselor fell in love with a guy who lived in the forest and chopped wood all day long. When the camp owner found out about it, she told the woodsman he could never set foot in the camp again and the counselor wasn’t allowed anywhere near him. So the girl ran away into the forest to be with her woodsman. There was a search after she disappeared, but nobody ever saw her or the woodsman again. People assumed she died, but sometimes you can still hear the sound of chopping wood…

Whatever. It’s a stupid story, but Liz based her play on it and now she’s walking around with a sense of impending doom. ‘Cause she’s psychic, don’t forget. Joey tells the story while everyone sits around the campfire one night and says there’s more to the it, something about an ax murderer named Crazy Freddy. Later, Liz makes out with Joey in the woods for a while and then goes back to the cabin, where she starts to panic because Jessica isn’t back yet. Jessica and Paul woke up in the middle of the night from where they fell asleep looking at the stars. I guess Paul’s parents took his car and are never coming back or something. He and Jessica walk to his neighbors’ house and Paul borrows one of their horses to take Jessica back to camp.

There’s a big camp color war coming up. The teams are announced, and of course Nicole and Liz are the opposing captains. Nicole is crazier than ever and thinks she deserves Joey because she likes him the most or something. She wants to fuck up Liz’s life, so she writes Todd a letter and includes a picture of Joey and Liz kissing. Maria catches her and won’t let Nicole send it. Dammit. Nicole gets Liz out into the woods alone one night and starts swinging an ax around, trying to scare her. Maria has a talk with Nicole and she agrees to stop being such a bitch.

Paul is in big trouble for stealing the neighbor’s horse and he’s grounded or something. This has Jessica in a tizzy, and the day of the color war, she sneaks out to see him, leaving Liz to cover for her and participate in all her color war activities as well as her own. Paul and Jessica have this great idea that they’re going to pretend to be Crazy Freddy and sneak into camp and scare everyone. That goes just great for about five seconds. Then an actual crazed ax murderer grabs Jessica and starts to drag her away. Tanya, Paul’s sister and one of Jessica’s campers, runs into the woods and starts yelling at the guy to let Jessica go, so the guy punches her and takes her with him. He takes them to a cabin where they cower in a corner.

There’s commotion at the camp about Tanya having gone missing. Joey says he knows of an abandoned cabin and runs into the woods alone. The rest of the counselors pair up and start searching. Nicole and Liz have to work together to save the day. Aww. They meet up with Paul, who tells them Jessica was with him and she’s missing now, too. The three of them find the cabin. They look in the window and see Joey, Jessica and Tanya. There’s some plan that involves Nicole and Liz acting as bait and Paul getting the better of the guy, but of course Liz nearly gets captured. Nicole distracts the guy and he captures her while Liz gets away. Meanwhile, Paul breaks a window at the back of the cabin, climbs inside and cuts Tanya and Jessica loose.

You know what, whatever. You know they all get away in the end. Nicole and Liz become friends for the last two days of camp and everything is great. Nicole also gives Liz and Joey her blessing because she’s pissed at him for running into the woods alone like some kind of macho man and she doesn’t want him anymore.

While all this has been going on, Lila and Bo have gotten lost in the woods. It’s kind of hilarious because they’re walking along talking about how they don’t even mind being lost together because they’re so in love. They end up sleeping on a gravel road, and they wake up the next morning to a crop dusting plane landing nearby. The pilot calls his boss to see if he can take Lila and Bo back to camp, but the boss says no way. The guy starts grumbling about how he only needs a thousand more dollars to buy the plane and go into business with his brother. Lila and Bo decide to invest in the company and they each give him five hundred dollars. They get back to camp, where nobody has really even noticed they were gone. I guess if you’re not a Wakefield or a cute eight-year-old, nobody cares about you.

Quotes:

She shoveled a forkful of dry, tasteless scrambled eggs into her mouth.

Ew. Please stop with the forkfuls of food being shoveled into people’s mouths.

Will I be able to stop loving Joey when I return to Sweet Valley?

I predict you will forget all about him.

The Cover: This cover cracks me up. Just look at that madman back there. Ha ha.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: Summer camp sucks unless you can fall in love and/or cheat on your boyfriend.

The Big Deal: Big play at the summer camp

Synopsis:

Todd has apparently not noticed that Liz was holding another guy’s hand and gives her a great big hug. I guess he has a break from basketball camp and is going to stay in Winston’s cabin as a visitor because he’s so co-dependent he can’t even let his girlfriend go to summer camp for a month. Liz is not pleased. She wishes Todd would go home and acts like she’s totally bored with him.

Jessica gets the lead in the play and she’s all happy until she gets a letter from Paul. He doesn’t want her to try to see him again because he doesn’t like dumb blondes. Jessica is pissed and totally determined to make him fall in love with her. What? Guy’s an ass who made out with you and then called you stupid. Forget about him. But no. She cooks up a scheme with Tanya, Paul’s sister, and manages to get him alone so they can talk. She’s found out he dated a camp counselor last summer and she hurt him really bad so now he doesn’t want anything to do with the camp or its counselors. What a drama queen. Jessica tells him she knows everything and calls him a coward. He says he’ll see her, just to prove he’s not afraid of women.

Winston is getting letters from his girlfriend, white Maria, who is staying at her grandmother’s ranch. She keeps talking about some cowboy named Hank. Winston gets jealous and tells Aaron and Todd all about it. They get Winston some cowboy boots and sign him up for horseback riding lessons, figuring that if Maria wants a cowboy, Winston will be the best damned cowboy on the planet. Who wants to bet that Hank is some old man Maria has no interest in whatsoever? Some fifteen-year-old camper named Lara starts flirting with Winston and he tells her his concerns about Maria. He acts like they’re already broken up and lets Lara make out with him a little. Well, hell. If you can’t trust Winston, who the fuck can you trust? Then one day Winston gets a letter and a picture of Maria and Hank. To my complete and utter shock, Hank turns out to be an old man Maria has no interest in whatsoever.

Joey gets Liz alone and tells her he’s seen her with Todd and can tell she’s not in love with him. He wants her to break things off with him, and Liz says she will. Todd’s leaving the next morning, and Liz wakes up early to say goodbye and break his heart. Of course she can’t do it. She knows it’s the right thing to do, but you know how much Liz loves cheating. She figures she’ll just keep her summer fling a secret from Todd. But then Nicole, that bitch, tells Liz to break things off with Joey or she’ll write Todd a letter and tell him everything. Liz does as she’s told and is heartbroken when Joey immediately starts hanging all over Nicole. Jerk.

Jessica steals the camp owner’s car so she can sneak into town and visit Paul at his family’s restaurant. She ends up flipping burgers and closing the kitchen down with him. She doesn’t get back to camp until after two in the morning. She plans to meet him again the next night, but Lacey, the camp owner, finds out Jessica took her car and is furious. She’s watching Jessica like a hawk, so Jessica can’t see Paul. She writes him a letter telling him she has to cancel their plans for the day and invites him to see the play on Wednesday. For some reason she thinks her letter will get there that day and she’s shocked when two days go by and she hasn’t heard from him. The day of the play, she takes a bike and rides to the restaurant, but a cook there says it’s Paul’s day off. He gives her a ride to Paul’s house and she ends up missing the play. She and Paul go outside and fall asleep under the stars.

Liz pretends to be Jessica and stars in the play. When it’s over, Joey comes up to her and gives her a great big old kiss. Liz is sad because she thinks that he thinks she’s Jessica, but he says he knew it was her all along. Yeah, right. So now I guess they’re flinging it again.

Quotes:

Jessica let out her breath in a rush. She couldn’t believe it. She had really done it. She had landed the lead role in the summer production.

Yeah, I bet she feels really good, having beaten all the twelve- and thirteen-year-olds who tried out.

She was attracted to somebody else. She had to break up with Todd. Just the thought made her feel like the most disloyal girlfriend on earth.

No, the fact that you constantly cheat on your boyfriend makes you the most disloyal girlfriend on earth.

The Cover: I don’t know who anyone on this cover is supposed to be. I can’t tell which twin is which. That guy in the canoe is making a face that makes me wonder where his other hand is.

The Moral of the Story: Your old BFF’s new BFF is probably a bitch.

The Big Deal: Jessica throws a dance to celebrate the end of the first week of camp. Nothing much happens there.

Synopsis:

The gang is off to be junior counselors at Camp Echo Mountain in Montana. This summer camp focuses on drama type stuff, so Jessica is psyched to go because she’s sure she’ll be discovered somehow, and Liz is sure she’ll be chosen to write the play the camp will put on. Liz is also excited because her friend Maria Slater (not Maria Santelli, as I misread it a few times) is going to be there. I believe Maria was in the Sweet Valley Twins books. She was a child actor and was good friends with Liz because she wanted to get out of acting and start writing. She can’t wait to see Liz again and introduce her to her new best friend, Nicole Banes. Liz arrives at camp first and decides she’ll just take the cabin’s only desk so she can work on the play. Then Nicole arrives and starts throwing Liz’s crap on her bed, saying she needs the desk to write the play. Liz, not accustomed to having competition, hates Nicole immediately.

Jessica is assigned to the youngest kids and she’s a little worried since she’s not very good with kids. She can’t believe it when the girls love her and listen to everything she says. They’re actually a little creepy. One of them tries to bleach her hair blond so she can look just like Jessica. Another girl, Maggie, carries a video camera with her everywhere and records everything Jessica does. Jessica still isn’t over Christian or Ken, so she’s decided to make her summer boy-free. This works out well until she meets the teenage brother of one of her campers. His name is Paul and he of course falls in love with Jessica the second he lays eyes on her.

Lila is in love with Bo, one of the male counselors. Bo is an adventure seeker and is always telling stories about the mountains he’s climbed and rivers he’s rafted. Lila tries to make herself seem braver and more adventurous than she really is and it’s clear to us that Bo is a phony, but Lila has no idea and gets upset when Bo won’t sneak over to the girls’ cabin after dark to see her. He finally comes clean and tells Lila he’s really a coward and the son of a millionaire. Lila tells Bo the truth about herself and they make out for a while. Hey, whatever happened to Robby?

Liz is having a rough time at camp. She’s been staying up really late every night to write her play, her campers hate her, Nicole is horrible and Joey, the drama counselor Liz has fallen in love with (Todd’s not around, so you know Liz is about to cheat), seems to like Nicole better than her. Liz finishes writing her play, but the disk disappears before she can show it to Joey. Then she finds out Nicole has stolen it and is passing off the work as her own. She makes a scene, but nobody believes her and she ends up looking like an ass. Neither Maria nor Joey wants anything to do with her and Nicole just gloats about it.

Jessica is pining for Paul. She remembers that Maggie caught them on tape when he came up to the camp one day to pick up his sister. She finds Maggie’s tape and watches that scene over and over again. Then she watches the rest of the tape and sees Nicole taunting Liz about the stolen play. Jessica calls everyone to the main lodge and shows them the tape. Liz is vindicated, Maria is her friend again and Joey goes ahead and falls in love with her. He’s heard about Todd so he asks Liz what the deal is. She lies and says they’re free to date other people. Then Todd shows up just as Liz and Joey are walking around holding hands and laughing. Liz immediately drops Joey’s hand and starts to panic.

Quotes:

“I’ve always felt like something’s been missing from my life since she moved away,” Elizabeth continued in a pensive tone, gazing out of the car’s windshield at the night sky.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be more like Maria,” Todd said in a flat voice.

That’s right, folks. Todd is jealous of Maria. This is such a dysfunctional couple.

Jessica watched her sister lie down and close her eyes. The world’s most faithful girlfriend, Elizabeth usually wasn’t so easily flustered by another guy.

Yeah, right.

The Cover: Ooh, look at those bitchfaces on Nicole and Liz as they stare each other down over Maria. I recognize Jessica and her fucked up looking kids, but I don’t know who those boys are and I don’t care.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: If you hire women as prison guards, they’ll fall in love with the inmates and all hell will break loose.

Synopsis:

This book could have been at least seventy-five pages shorter than it was. Not very much happens and fully half the damn thing takes place on horseback. There’s so much filler and pointless dialogue; I think the ghostwriter was just trying to up the word count.

John Marin is back in jail, but the Wakefields are all jumpy and freaked out. Ned arranges for everyone (except poor Steve) to take a trip to Catalina Island. Their first day there, the twins decide to go horseback riding. Unbeknownst to them, John Marin has escaped from prison with the help of a female guard who has fallen in love with him (don’t even get me started on that). Marin makes his way to Catalina Island because he’s so charming and handsome that people just can’t seem to help breaking rules for him. He finds out where the twins are and bribes a stable hand to give him a horse.

The twins, of course, leave the safety of their guided ride because it’s boring. They promptly get lost in the woods and end up on a nearly impassable rocky trail. Marin finds them and chases them for a while. Jessica’s horse balks and refuses to go anymore, so Jessica jumps on Liz’s horse, and then Liz jumps them off a thirty-foot cliff to get away from Marin. Naturally, everyone is perfectly fine after this stunt.

Ned freaks out when he realizes Marin is on the island so he also bribes the stable hand. He sets off on his horse and finds the girls. It’s about this time that Alice also freaks out and decides she’s going to join the search. Luckily, Ned and the twins arrive back at the stable before she can take yet another horse out. Ned decides they should all get off the island, so Joe the stable hand takes them to his fiancé’s mother’s house because she rents houseboats to tourists. The Wakefields set out for the mainland.

Marin somehow figures out where the Wakefields got a boat, knocks Joe’s future mother-in-law over the head and steals a small motorboat from her. When he catches up to the Wakefields’ houseboat, he cuts the motor and somehow makes it look like he’s in trouble. Ned sees the motorboat barely staying afloat in the inevitable storm that’s now raging and decides he has to help whoever’s out there. He takes a small dinghy from the houseboat to the motorboat, and when he gets there, Marin sneaks around him and steals the dinghy. Ned realizes he’s been had when he sees the motorboat has a broken radio and is filling with water.

On the houseboat, Marin threatens the womenfolk and ties them up. He splashes gasoline everywhere and starts lighting matches. He’s about to toss one onto Jessica when Ned suddenly bursts onto the scene and knocks him out. Ned gets Alice and the girls to the dinghy, then goes back for Marin because he’s too wholesome and good to just let the bastard die. It doesn’t matter though. Marin is already dead when Ned gets to him. Ned jumps into the water and swims to the dinghy. The Wakefields are finally safe.

Quotes:

“Liz, you have nothing to apologize for,” Todd said. “I was the jerk – for not realizing how bored you were.”

Yes, Todd. It’s your fault Liz cheated on you. Just keep telling her that to ensure that she keeps doing it. Idiot.

[Alice] folded the skimpy dress into Jessica’s light-blue suitcase…She shook her head at the thought of her own daughter wearing such a thing. But she never would have dreamed of forbidding her. In eighteen years of motherhood, Mrs. Wakefield had learned to choose her battles…Some parents flew off the handle over clothes and haircuts. But such trappings were trivial.

You don’t have to fly off the handle in order to tell your daughter not to dress like a skank.

The Cover: I think the twins are making a porno while a Sam Winchester lookalike waves his knife around. Maybe he thinks they’re demons.

Sam Winchester

The Moral of the Story: If you send criminals to jail, they’ll come back to kill your family.

The Big Deal: Summer vacation

Synopsis:

So, this book has a prologue, which is weird. A man named John Marin sits in a prison cell staring at the newspaper clippings he’s gathered over the last few months. Each one contains something about the Wakefield twins. They sure are in the paper a lot. Anyway…

It’s the first day of summer vacation again, and this time the twins are for once NOT going to work at a newspaper. They’ve taken jobs as waitresses at the Marina Café. Alice will be spending the summer working on a new job at a mansion that’s being remodeled, Steve will be working at Ned’s law firm and Ned will be fretting about the twins because John Marin just got out of jail. Marin, who is now twenty-eight but still looks like he’s twenty, killed a mother and daughter ten years ago and Ned was the attorney that put him away. Marin didn’t like that much and threatened Ned’s family and now here we are.

The twins’ boss, Mr. Jenkins, can’t get tell them apart. Rather, he obviously can since he’s pretty consistent in calling Liz Jess and Jess Liz. Whatever, I don’t even care. Liz is awed by another waitress, Jane, who’s on her fourth summer at the Marina Café. Jane tells Liz she just graduated from college and Liz just can’t believe it because Jane doesn’t look twenty-two. Jane laughs and confirms that she’s really twenty-six. Oh, shut up. Jessica flirts with a customer named Scott Maderlake who looks about twenty and has blue eyes. He says he’s an intern scouting out locations for his boss’s next film, which will take place at a high school. Of course, Jessica offers to show him Sweet Valley High. He’s like Jessica’s dream man. When Ned gets home from work that night, he finds that John Marin has broken into the house and left him a threatening note.

This book sucks already.

Liz is tired of her boring life (again) and wants to do something adventurous (again). After she and Todd see some movie for the fourth time, they go to the Dairi Burger, where Liz looks across the room and sees her soulmate, some guy who looks about twenty with blue eyes. She doesn’t speak to him or anything, but she knows he was meant for her. He shows up at the café the next day, sailing up on his boat, The Emily Dickinson. Both twins notice a creepy old man watching them all day, and Liz actually runs into him in the storage room. She runs out and straight into the arms of soulmate guy. His name is actually Ben Morgan and he seems like Liz’s dream man. Neither twin wants to tell the other about her new boyfriend.

After showing Scott the high school and then having dinner with him, Jessica goes home and discovers her lavaliere is missing. Ned later finds the lavaliere, along with a note that says “Such a lovely young neck,” in an envelope with his name on it. He calls the private investigator he’s had watching the twins. His name is Jim Battaglia and he tells Ned that Jessica has been seeing a guy, but he doesn’t look anything like the mug shot Jim received (Marin intercepted the real mug shot and replaced it with someone else’s). Jim offers to investigate the boyfriend, but Ned says not to bother since he’s “no different from the other hundred or so that she’s been out with in the last year.”

The days go by and nothing much happens. Jessica secretly goes out with Scott, Liz secretly goes out with Ben, Marin sends Ned threatening notes, Ned freaks out. The twins are being followed and watched by at least two men, one having been hired by Marin and one by Ned’s P.I. We’re not supposed to know which is which. Then one day Jim calls and tells Ned that Marin’s been taken into custody. He had a lavaliere on him. Yeah, right. You know it’s the wrong guy.

The twins are locking up the café the next night. Jessica sees a man with a knife in the storage room. She screams and the guy runs away. They call the police and then go down to the station. The cops have them pick the guy out of a lineup, but the guy they pick is “Marin,” who’s been in jail since the night before. The cops finally figure out the guy they have isn’t Marin, but some guy named Pilchard. Marin hired him to watch the twins and gave him Jessica’s necklace as part of his payment. Ned, intending to demand how the mugshot got mixed up, drives to Jim’s house and finds the P.I. dead. There’s a note from Marin next to the body.

On the way home from the police station, Liz tells Jessica about Ben and asks her to cover for her while she goes sailing with him. Later that night, Jessica is confronted by Ned and a couple cops. They tell her about Marin and show her Marin’s picture and she’s all, “Don’t be silly, that’s my new boyfriend!” It finally sinks in that her new boyfriend is a murderer, but she still insists that Liz’s secret boyfriend is someone different altogether. Jane the waitress is the only one who’s seen Ben, so they find her at the Beach Disco and she confirms that the guy in the mugshot is Ben.

Liz and Marin are about to make out on “Ben’s” boat when a Coast Guard boat carrying Ned, Jessica and some cops shows up. Marin threatens Liz with a knife and there’s a struggle. Liz gets away from him and somehow falls overboard. Jessica seems to be the only one who notices, so she jumps off the Coast Guard boat to rescue her. In the end, Marin manages to escape in a dinghy and later the cops find evidence that he’s been eaten by sharks. But of course he wasn’t. He’s hiding in the Wakefields’ basement. After the twins go to sleep, Marin goes to their room to kill them, but Ned comes along and knocks him out the window. The cop outside says Marin is going back to jail. Yeah, right. If he was, I wouldn’t have a whole second book to read in this miniseries.

Quotes:

Elizabeth tried to listen, but she found herself focusing on Todd’s neat, conservative haircut, his wholesome good looks, and his mall-store rugby shirt. He was so ordinary…For the first time, Elizabeth realized just how unsophisticated her boyfriend really was.

Ugh, you are such a snob.

Jessica: The money isn’t what’s important!

Lila: Bite your tongue!

Your daily dose of Lila.

The Cover: Awesome floppy nineties hair, John! Love it. The best part of this cover is the clippings on the wall. Most of them are whatever, but you can clearly see the covers of Jessica Quits the Squad and Murder in Paradise. Up at the top you can see Marin in his twin-tailored personalities – the poet sailor with Liz and the movie guy with Jessica.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: It’s totally okay to ruin someone’s life. Your love life is way more important.

The Big Deal: Barbecue party at the beach, bridal shower for Sue

Synopsis:

The last book ended with Jessica and Jeremy making out at an engagement party for Jeremy and Sue. This book starts with Liz finding them and telling them Alice wants to give a toast. The twins argue, and Liz is convinced Jessica has a love addiction and needs to be stopped. Both Steve and Enid tell her that trying to control Jessica is a stupid idea. Jessica and Jeremy keep sneaking around and Liz keeps trying to stop them. Liz’s self-help books tell her Jessica’s love addiction is a disease, so she’s sure there must be some way she can help.

One day, Sue gets some test results back and finds out she has the same rare blood disease that killed her mother. The doctors say she’s got two or three years to live. She tells Liz she wants to call off the wedding. Liz tells her to reconsider. Then she tells Jessica she has to stop seeing Jeremy because it’s wrong to “deceive a dying woman.” When Jessica finds out about Sue’s disease, she feels like she caused it somehow because “Jessica had thought in the past that she had psychic powers” and she wanted Sue out of the way so badly. When Sue tells Jeremy about her disease, he promises to stay with her until the end.

Todd finally gets back from his grandmother’s house and Liz is determined to tell him about Luke. Before she can tell him, Todd says he met a girl who lived next door to his grandmother. They had a fling, but it was really nothing; Liz is the only one he cares about. Liz gets angry and breaks up with him. Then she annoys Enid and Olivia with all her self-help mumbo jumbo. She tells them she ate too much cake from the engagement party and that’s a sign that she has no self control.

Meanwhile, Lila’s been dating Jeremy’s friend, Robby. Robby pretended to be rich so Lila would like him, but finally came clean. Now Lila is worried Robby only likes her for her money. She tells him a story about her parents being servants for the Fowler family. Robby gives her a passionate kiss and Lila worries her plan will backfire and Robby will actually like her better poor. In the end, she tells him the truth and is relieved when he says he loves her no matter how much money she has.

Now that Jeremy knows about Sue’s disease, he feels like he shouldn’t see Jessica anymore. Jessica isn’t giving up, though, and she starts tagging along on all of Jeremy and Sue’s dates. Liz, trying to keep Jessica from doing something stupid, also tags along. At a cookout on the beach, Jessica gets all emo and walks away. Sue, who is amazingly oblivious through this whole thing, gets worried and sends Jeremy after her. Jessica is just about to kiss him when Liz and Enid show up to drag them back to the party.

The night before the wedding, the twins have a shower for Sue. The girls start talking about Jeremy’s bachelor party and everyone except Sue wants to crash it. They all go over to Robby’s place and Liz seems disappointed that there are no strippers for her to disapprove of. Robby’s idea of a bachelor party was to cook a gourmet meal, so all the guys are grateful when the girls show up. Steve and Todd are there for some reason, and Steve tells Liz how sorry Todd is for his fling. Liz decides to stop being so obnoxious. She makes up with Todd and tells him about Luke. Then she decides to stop trying to control Jessica.

At the wedding, Jessica can’t stand it anymore. She shouts that Jeremy can’t marry Sue because he doesn’t really love her, he loves Jessica. Sue faints, the priest leads Jeremy away and everyone is pissed at Jessica.

Quotes:

“I’m slowly rediscovering myself and learning why I let myself lose control so it doesn’t happen again. And that’s why I think you should read this book about love addiction so you don’t lose control with Jeremy.”

Argh, shut up, Liz!

It was totally out of character for her to have done something like falling in love with another guy.

Right.

The Cover: Those dresses are hideous. All of them. Jeremy looks more evil than bastardly, like he’s planning to kill Sue after the ceremony. And Sue looks like this horrible girl I used to know, so I automatically hate her.

The Moral of the Story: No man can resist a Wakefield.

The Big Deal: Party at the Wakefields’ house

Synopsis:

The twins are hanging out at the beach with Lila and Enid, telling them about London. Liz is acting all depressed about Luke, so Jessica drags Lila away to walk along the shore. They start talking about boys and just when they both declare they’re ready for serious relationships, Jessica gets hit in the head with a stray Frisbee. The guys it belongs to are, of course, the most gorgeous men alive. The slightly less attractive one introduces himself as Robby and wants to buy Jessica a soda to make up for the bump on her head, but she and the other guy are too busy staring at each other. Robby and Lila go away, leaving Jessica and her Adonis to profess their love for each other. Jessica thinks she hasn’t felt this way since Sam died. They kiss, and then the guy says this is all wrong, even though it totally feels like they’re supposed to be together. He goes away and Jessica wants to die. She doesn’t even know this guy’s name.

Jessica is heartbroken when she gets back to Liz and Enid at the beach. Liz laughs at her until Jessica says not even Sam made her feel like this. Liz and Enid are shocked, but Liz thinks she can help Jessica sort through her feelings. Ever since the guy with whom she was cheating on her boyfriend turned out to be a serial killer, Liz has been reading a self-help book about relationships to figure out where she went wrong.

When the twins get home, Alice tells them she got a letter from Sue Gibbons, who is getting married soon and wants a California wedding. Sue’s mother, Nancy, was Alice’s college roommate and best friend. Nancy has died recently, and Alice wants to invite Sue to stay with the Wakefields for a month or so while she plans her wedding. When Sue gets there, Liz spends most of her time passing judgment on Sue’s preferences about the wedding. She can’t believe Sue wants to register for expensive gifts, she thinks the ring Sue picks out is too big and she actually chastises Jessica for suggesting Paris as a honeymoon location because Sue and her fiancé, Jeremy, work for a conservation group or something and Liz thinks they should go educate people in Costa Rica on their honeymoon. I hate Liz.

It’s been a week since Jessica’s mystery man left her on the beach and she’s still just as miserable. Everyone is getting ready to meet Jeremy and Jessica is trying to put on a brave face even though she’s destined to a life of loneliness. Then Jeremy shows up, and Jessica is shocked to discover that Sue’s fiancé is her mystery man. They pretend they don’t know each other, but everything he says just proves to Jessica that he was meant for her. Jessica takes Jeremy to the mall the next day so he can buy Sue’s ring. He wants to guess which ring Sue picked, and he naturally picks the one Jessica likes. That night, Sue says Jeremy is taking her to the Carousel, Jessica’s favorite restaurant. Jessica wants to make Jeremy jealous, so she calls every guy she knows, but Bruce is the only one home. She says a friend is on a blind date and she promised to keep an eye on things. At the restaurant, Jessica is pleased to see Jeremy is jealous of Bruce.

Todd’s been out of town this whole time, visiting his grandparents. Liz is taking the opportunity to turn into one of those obnoxious feminists who talk about empowerment or whatever. Todd calls one day and Liz tells him all about how she and a bunch of other girls went to Enid’s to “really explore my own sense of womanhood” because she got so shook up in London. Todd offers to help, but Liz says it’s a girls only thing. Of course, Todd gets upset and hurt. Shut up.

Alice is supposed to take Jeremy to the caterers to meet Liz and Sue, but she has a meeting come up at the last minute and asks Jessica to take him. Jessica directs him to Miller’s Point instead, where they kiss again. Then Jeremy pulls away and says he’s marrying Sue. Jessica gives up and points him to the caterers, where Jeremy and Sue argue over whether they should serve chicken or lobster.

The twins go with Sue to pick up the dresses. They’re going to be bridesmaids, which irks Jessica to no end. On the way to the car, Sue says something about her “bridal underthings” for the wedding night. It’s too much for Jessica and she “accidentally” throws Sue’s wedding dress under a passing truck. Luckily, it’s not damaged, just dirty, and Alice tells Jessica she has to pay to have it cleaned. Liz knows Jessica is depressed that night, so she drags her to a Primal Woman seminar, where women write their own “herstory” and choose new names for themselves. Liz calls herself Runs-with-the-Wind. Jessica thinks the whole thing is stupid and says she’ll just be Jessica, like Madonna or Cher.

Jessica has the house to herself and she calls Jeremy to come over, ostensibly so he can meet Sue and go to the florist. When he gets there, he mentions trying on his tux to see if it goes with Sue’s dress. Jessica tells him to put it on, then runs upstairs to put Sue’s dress on. Then she and Jeremy have a talk. He tells her he really does love her, but he’s made a promise to Sue and he has to go through with the wedding. After he leaves, Jessica realizes the zipper on the dress is stuck. She rips it trying to take it off, but Liz is able to mend it.

The Wakefields throw an engagement party for Sue and Jeremy. Sue says Jeremy and Jessica should dance together, so they do. Jeremy just about loses his mind at how awesome Jessica looks. He says he needs to be alone with her, so she takes him behind some hedges and they start making out.

Just so you know, Jeremy is twenty-three.

To be continued…

Quotes:

“I love weddings. But isn’t eighteen awfully young to be getting married?”

Mrs. Wakefield nodded. “I imagine that, because of her mother’s illness and untimely death, Sue’s probably feeling a little lost. One way for her to feel secure again would be to get married and have her own family.”

And we’re just going to let her do that? Do we really think that’s healthy?

“People don’t make mistakes all the time. Women do. Women constantly make mistakes about men.”

“If Sue were really strong within herself, maybe Jeremy wouldn’t be attracted to other women.”

So, basically, Liz’s book has taught her that everything that goes wrong in relationships is the woman’s fault.

The Cover: I guess that’s supposed to be Sue looking for her cheating fiancé who’s kissing Jessica behind that tree, but doesn’t she kind of look like she’s trapped in the house and she’s trying to get someone’s attention? And isn’t it strange that the room she’s in appears to be totally empty?

So, it’s become painfully obvious that I am unable to keep up with daily posting. These newer books are longer than the older ones and even more convoluted and horrible. I think that for now I’m going to go with trying to post one miniseries every week, stuffing in Super Thrillers and Magnas wherever they go. So for now, I’m promising at least three posts every week. I have enough stockpiled to last us a while, but I’d rather space them out and make them last.