Sweet Valley High Senior Year #6: Your Basic Nightmare

The Big Deal: Football game

Synopsis:

Jessica wakes up totally depressed on Saturday morning because Jeremy never came after her when she ran out of the party last night. Meanwhile, poor Jeremy is at the hospital. His father is awake, but he still looks like crap. There’s a football game that afternoon and Jeremy’s dad is for some reason adamant that Jeremy get out of the hospital and play in the game. Jeremy has no intention of playing that afternoon, but he tells his dad he will.

Liz calls Maria and asks her to go to brunch. Maria picks her up and says she wants to ask Liz something about Conner. Liz is sure Maria found out about the kiss, but Maria just says she saw Liz’s crappy love poem about him. Liz makes something up and somehow gets Maria to believe the poem wasn’t about Conner and that she still doesn’t like him. When Maria drops her off, Liz tries to tell Conner they should stay away from each other because she doesn’t want to hurt Maria. Then they make out a little.

When Melissa wakes up and goes downstairs on Saturday, Will is sitting in her kitchen. She assumes he’s there to apologize for leaving her at the party, but he instead tells her he’s breaking up with her. Will leaves, and Melissa puts on her cheerleading uniform and gets ready for the game. By the time she gets to the school, she’s convinced herself that everyone is going to know she was dumped and they’ll all be laughing at her. During the game, it becomes clear that nobody knows. She finds Will after the game and says she assumes he didn’t tell anyone because he’s having second thoughts. Will says sorry, but no. He just wanted her to be able to tell her friends in her own time. Melissa is appalled. She makes Will promise not to tell anyone until she’s told her friends.

Liz goes to Riot with Tia, Andy, Angel and Maria, and she gets all freaked out when Conner shows up and sits down next to her. When he asks her to dance, she says she needs something to drink. She goes to the bar and Maria goes with her, ranting the whole time about how Conner is such a jerk to ask Liz to dance when he knows she doesn’t like him. While Maria is at the bar with her back turned, Conner comes up to Liz and takes her upstairs to the makeout room. After they kiss for a while, Liz says they need to go back downstairs because Maria, Maria, Maria. Conner gets annoyed and storms off.

Melissa goes to a victory party and tries to avoid Will most of the night. Suddenly, her stupid friend Cherie comes up to her, dragging Will along behind her. Cherie says she’s noticed Will and Melissa haven’t spoken all night and she wants them to make up and dance. Melissa asks Will to dance with her just once to keep up appearances, and in his protests he makes it clear he’s been planning to break up with Melissa for a while. She starts shouting and making a scene, so now everyone knows Will dumped her. She leaves the party, humiliated.

Jeremy and his mother go home to get a few hours of sleep, and then they have dinner together. Mrs. Aames mentions that Jeremy’s father needs to get a job because she thinks the not working and not providing is what stressed him out and made him sick. Jeremy freaks out because he thinks everyone should be taking care of his father and not trying to force him to work. He’s incredibly childish as he runs out the door and drives to the hospital to spend the night in a chair in his father’s room.

At two in the morning, Conner goes to Tia’s house and taps on her window to tell her he’s been messing around with Elizabeth and to ask her advice about it. Tia tells him to let Liz handle the Maria situation in her own way. At the same time, Liz goes to Fowler Crest and wakes up Jessica to do the same thing. Jessica tells her to tell Maria what’s going on.

When Jessica goes to work on Sunday morning and finds out Jeremy called in sick, she gets all upset because she thinks he’s just avoiding her. Wow, such ego. When she gets off work, Jessica finds Jeremy’s address and drives out to his house. He opens the door and she yells at him. When she’s finished, Jeremy takes her inside and shows her his big empty house from which most of the furniture has been sold and tells her everything that’s been going on with his family. Then they make out a little bit. After that, Jessica’s confidence makes a stunning comeback and she decides to go to Melissa’s and tell her off. But when she gets there, Will comes running out of the house looking distressed. He says Jessica can’t talk to Melissa because she’s at the hospital. She’s tried to commit suicide. Again. Apparently, the big mysterious thing in Melissa’s past that has been alluded to this whole time is that she tried to overdose back in eighth grade.

Maria insists on coming over to Liz’s because she’s decided not to let Conner’s presence keep her from hanging out with her best friend. Naturally, she gets there just in time to see Conner and Liz kissing in the kitchen.

The Cover: I hate Melissa’s face. She looks like such a bitch.

Sweet Valley High Super Edition #9: Mystery Date

SVHSE10 - OuterThe Moral of the Story: All it takes to make everyone get along is a party!

The Big Deal: Big dance, big football game, big party

Synopsis:

The book opens with a dance at which the popular students finally seem to realize that there are other kids at Sweet Valley High. A big fight breaks out over what kind of music the DJ should play. The jocks want to hear the Beach Boys so they can dance to it, Justin Belson and the burnouts want some heavy metal, Keith Wagner and the hippies want something with meaningful lyrics and Dana wants some punk. The arguments escalate until finally Tad “Blubber” Johnson punches Justin in the stomach. And this is why the Droids should always perform at school dances.

Mr. Collins says the dance is officially over, so everyone leaves. The jocks end up at Ken’s house, where Jessica has to defend her sister, who dragged Todd off to the Dairi Burger. Olivia goes home and feels sorry for herself because she’s so weird that she doesn’t even know which group she fits into. She gets online and goes to her favorite chatroom, Virtual Hangout. She feels so much more confident under her screen name, Freeverse, because she can just be herself and nobody cares how she dresses. You know, Olivia, your clothes seem to cause you an awful lot of stress. Maybe you should, you know, stop dressing that way. Olivia meets a guy whose screen name is Quarter and they start flirting. Olivia has no idea the Quarter is really Ken, who’s been feeling all sad and lonely since he broke up with Jessica.

Things at school aren’t going very well. Somebody puts a copy of Blubber’s D quality homework on a bulletin board, so the jocks get their revenge by spraypainting “Die, wimps, hippies, punks, and brains,” on the cafeteria wall. Then the hippies put little cards that say “Make Love – Not Football” in everyone’s lockers. It’s all very stupid. Then there’s a big football game. When Blubber goes out on the field, Nicky Shepard (I guess he’s back from San Francisco) starts booing him and calling him stupid. Blubber runs right into the stands and beats the crap out of him. Sweet Valley forfeits the game. Todd and the twins go to Casey’s afterward and Liz gets all bitchy and self-righteous when Jessica and Todd agree that Nicky got what he deserved for being an ass. She accuses them of sticking together just because they’re both jocks. Ken and Olivia each go home to their respective computers after the game, and I’m subjected to like ten pages of their crappy conversation. All you need to know is that they’re falling in e-love. They even have a cyber kiss that was a little uncomfortable to read about.

ist2_7588751-internet-love

Freeverse and Quarter think it’s time to meet in person. For some reason, each thinks the other goes to El Carro High, so they decide on an ice cream shop in El Carro. Ken and Olivia get to the place and wave at each other, then they’re both upset when their dates stand them up. Even though Freeverse and Quarter have both explained to each other in detail what they look like, Ken and Olivia don’t get it. They wait a while, and then they each go home and get on their computers. They finally figure it out, and Olivia is pissed that Ken never mentioned online that he played football. For some reason, this matters very much to her and she doesn’t want to talk to him anymore.

Jessica has been stringing along two football players, Danny Porter and Bryce Fisherman. She gets them to agree to a joint date because neither guy wants to leave the other alone with Jessica. The three of them decide to go over to Blubber’s house to see how he’s doing. Blubber is in big trouble. His grades have been going down the tubes, and now with all the violence he’s exhibiting, he’s been suspended from school and the football team. When Jessica, Bryce and Danny get to his house, an ambulance is wheeling him out on a stretcher. He tried to kill himself because of all this crap that’s been going on. Oh, and his parents are splitting up.

The clique war kind of takes a break for a few days while everyone digests what happened to Blubber, but Liz and Olivia are sure it’s only temporary. They decide the best way to fix everything is to have a Walk in Each Other’s Shoes party in the school gym. Everyone has to borrow clothes from someone they wouldn’t normally associate with and wear them to the party. Of course, it’s a huge success. Lila dresses in somebody’s grungy clothes and dances with Justin Belson, who is wearing one of Bruce’s tuxedos. Bruce has borrowed someone’s pocket protector and polyester pants. Keith dresses in Todd’s clothes and wins the heart of Jessica, who is dressed as Dana. Liz wears Lila’s clothes, Todd dresses as Nicky Shepard and Mr. Collins borrows Todd’s basketball uniform, all the better to confuse Liz, I imagine. Oh, Liz and Todd make up, of course.

Olivia wears Claire’s football uniform and Ken comes dressed as a hippie. Ken apologizes for not being totally honest and Olivia apologizes for being so judgmental. They dance together and, I don’t know, I guess they’re a couple now.

Quotes:

“Hi, all!” Olivia typed. “Anyone ever feel all alone in a room full of people? : (“ She ended with an emoticon, a frowning face that could be read sideways, and then hit enter to send the message.

Yes, I got to learn all about emoticons and LOL and chatrooms and flaming.

Claire had been dating the powerful linebacker since a few weeks after he’d transferred to Sweet Valley High – since just after Jessica refused to go steady with Michael [Lewis].

Oh, I guess this actually happened.

“This is so bizarre,” Enid said. “Everyone usually gets along just fine.”

I know, Enid. It’s much easier for everyone to get along when we can pretend half the students don’t actually exist.

“When [Liz and Todd] are mad at each other, the whole school feels it.”

Ugh. Why?

“And then you kiss me back, Freeverse, long and hard. And nothing has ever rocked me the way your kiss does.”

Ew.

The Cover: I hate this cover. This chick looks like she’s thirty years old and I just don’t see Olivia wearing that. And then on the inside we’ve got some denim tuxedoed guy making her laugh for some reason. Blah.

SVHSE10 - Inner

Sweet Valley High #109: Double-Crossed

SVH109Read the rest of this miniseries: Part one, part two.

The Moral of the Story: If he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you.

The Big Deal: Halloween party

Synopsis:

After stopping Jeremy from marrying Sue, Jessica hides out at Lila’s house. The day after the wedding, Jeremy gives Jessica a ring and asks her to marry him. Then he says he has to go to Costa Rica for a month to take care of some business. Jessica is upset, and she gets even more upset when Liz calls her at Lila’s and says Ned and Alice think Jessica has gone too far this time. They’re thinking of sending her to a boarding school in Washington state.

Liz has been spending her time taking care of Sue, who now has tranquilizers to help her cope. Sue tells Liz that Nancy, her very wealthy mother, never liked Jeremy and cut Sue out of her will when Sue refused to quit seeing him. Now Sue’s mother is dead, Sue is penniless and she doesn’t even have Jeremy anymore. Then one day, Alice gets a registered letter. It turns out there was a stipulation in Nancy’s will. Sue was only cut off if she stayed with Jeremy. If she stays away from him for two months, she will get her inheritance. Sue seems totally surprised by this news.

It appears to be the beginning of a school year, which is weird, but whatever. Sweet Valley High is instituting a new math program called Go Math. GO stands for Girls Only. Apparently, studies have shown that girls don’t do as well at math as boys do, so Go Math is an experimental program that segregates the math classes. Liz is outraged by the whole thing, but as the weeks pass, she realizes everyone is actually doing better in math, including her. She writes a series of articles about the program, and of course the Sweet Valley News picks them up. In other Liz news, she doesn’t like Todd’s muck-stache. Todd doesn’t realize his attempt at facial hair is totally lame and pathetic and he seems to think he’s really hot shit. He starts calling Liz “babe,” which she hates, and he twirls his mustache a lot when Liz gets mad at him. They eventually break up over the stupid mustache. Oh, you stupid kids.

After a while, Sue tells the Wakefields that she’s really over Jeremy, so Ned and Alice tell Jessica to come home. Her first night back from Lila’s, Jessica announces at dinner that she and Jeremy are engaged. The next day, Sue overdoses on her tranquilizers and Jessica’s parents set up a meeting with the headmaster of the boarding school. Jessica misses Jeremy and is frustrated that he’s never around when she calls. Lila tries to tell her that maybe Jeremy isn’t that into her, but Jessica refuses to believe that. Then Amy shows her a film she shot on the beach for a school project, and Jessica sees a couple in the video that looks just like Jeremy and Sue. Amy tells her she only shot it two weeks ago, so it can’t be them.

Sue confesses to Liz that she lied about having a “rare blood disease” to keep Jeremy from leaving her. Liz is shocked, but thinks she understands. Then there’s a scene of Sue making a phone call, but we don’t know who she’s calling. She talks about what a “total drag” it was to have her stomach pumped. She makes plans to meet whoever she’s talking to. So now we know there’s something weird going on with Sue.

Jeremy finally comes back to town, but he acts kind of distant and weird. He does tell Jessica that Project Nature, the company he works for, is throwing a big Halloween bash and the whole Sweet Valley High gang is invited. At the party, Liz and Todd finally make up, so don’t worry about them, folks. Jessica can’t find Jeremy anywhere and she starts to think about all kinds of things about him that don’t add up, like the fact that he wouldn’t let her wait while he got on his plane to Costa Rica and the fact that he was never once there when she called him. She wanders outside and finds him making out with Sue. What a jackass. Liz takes Jessica home, and a little while later, Jeremy comes to the door. He’s all freaked out because Sue has “disappeared.”

To be continued. Ugh, won’t this Jeremy/Sue story arc ever end?

Quotes:

In a sense she felt as if Jessica was willing to leave Elizabeth forever to be with Jeremy. It was one thing to stay at Lila’s until a scandal blew over – it was another to commit yourself to a man and be ready to run off with him. Leaving Elizabeth behind. As though they were just regular sisters. Not twins at all.

Liz, what do you think is going to happen when you guys actually do get married? Are you going to share a bathroom for the rest of your lives?

“You’re our daughter and we love you. We’ll always love you no matter what. But we’re very worried about you. We’re worried about the decisions you’ve been making lately. The whole thing with Jeremy and Sue – it doesn’t seem like you.”

The fact that Alice is surprised by the “thing with Jeremy and Sue” just goes to show how much she pays attention to her kids.

“So now it all comes out. You hate my mustache, you hate my haircut, you hate what I call you…Kids at school think my mustache is hot, this is a totally radical haircut, and maybe I just won’t call you anything from now on. As in, I won’t be calling you at all!”

Oh, Todd. This is a totally radical breakup speech.

The Cover: As you can see, Jeremy and Jessica are Aladdin and Jasmine for Halloween. Sue and Jeremy look like they’re having some trouble; Sue looks mad because their hats keep crashing and they can’t kiss properly.

Sweet Valley High #10: Wrong Kind of Girl

The moral of the story: All you have to do to get into Jessica’s good graces and secure your spot on the cheerleading squad is attempt suicide.

The Big Deal: Everyone goes to the Beach Disco. I can’t decide if this is a party or a dance or what.

Synopsis: So, Annie Whitman lives with her single mother, who had Annie when she was only sixteen. You know what that means in Sweet Valley: trouble. Lack of a normal two-parent home has made Annie a slut. She goes out with a different boy every night. She probably even has sex, though it’s unclear. She and her mother live in an apartment, rather than a nice split-level ranch home. That’s how you know they aren’t the sort of people you want to hang around with. Mrs. Whitman’s boyfriend, a greasy jackass who flirts with Liz, lives there too.

Annie wants to be on the cheerleading squad more than anything in the world. But Jessica can’t let someone like that on the squad! What would everyone think? Most of the rest of the book consists of Elizabeth doing her damnedest to get Annie on the squad and Jessica trying equally hard to keep her off. All the while, Annie herself has no idea that she has a reputation that has earned her the nickname Easy Annie. Is she mentally challenged? How can she not know that if you go out with lots of different boys nobody wants to be friends with you? Wait, I seem to recall that Jessica goes out with lots of boys, too…

When Annie finds out she’s one of the eight finalists she tells Liz that she’s going to cut back on dating. She used to feel like she needed all that attention from boys, but now that she’s got cheerleading, she feels better about herself and blah, blah, blah. Really? It only takes sixty-two pages and a cheerleading tryout to undo all the whatever that made you that way in the first place?

Thrown in just for fun is a scene at Todd’s house. Elizabeth doesn’t want to tell him what’s bothering her for some reason and Todd gets all weird and accuses her of being interested in another guy. They make up on the next page. Todd’s mother is inexplicably baking a cake.

When it comes time to vote on the new cheerleaders, Jessica tells the squad she’ll quit if they vote Annie in. Annie has a fit about not being chosen and Ricky Capaldo tells her it was all Jessica’s doing. She disappears for a few days and then Ricky calls Liz to tell her Annie’s tried to kill herself. Seriously.

The twins race to the hospital where they meet Ricky. Jessica is feeling sorry for herself for having caused such a horrible thing. The doctor tells Mrs. Whitman that Annie has no will to live. Upon hearing this, Jessica tells the doctor everything, explaining her part in what happened. And instead of telling her that nobody can be blamed for a suicide except the victim, he tells her to tell Annie she can be a cheerleader.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Anyway…

So Annie’s on the squad, she and Ricky are boyfriend and girlfriend, Mrs. Whitman breaks up with her slimy boyfriend and everyone lives happily ever after. The end.

Quotes:

Elizabeth tried to imagine what life would be like without her mother and father. Impossible, that’s what! She was so proud of her tall, dark-haired, good-looking father…

Is it sad that the adjectives she uses to describe her father all pertain to his looks? Really, at sixteen, did we care in the least how attractive our parents were?

The Surfers’ Waves began whipping up a foam of music, and Todd and Elizabeth happily plunged into the rhythm…

*facepalm* Oh come on! I can’t decide if it would be better if this was done on purpose or not.

“How could they do this?” he snapped suddenly, sitting up. “What kind of stuck-up, mean kids could do this to a poor, scared girl?”

Jessica was crying now, tears running down her face.

Ricky saw her and slumped back into his chair. “Oh, no, Jess, I didn’t mean it. I – you – I don’t know what I’m saying!”

No, Ricky! Come on, give her hell! For once, someone knows for certain that Jessica really fucked up, but even when she’s caused an attempted suicide she’s too perfect to be called out on it.

“Mrs. Whitman, I don’t know why your daughter did this to herself, but she seems to have no will to live.”

Laughing hysterically, all I can think of is the doctor on South Park saying, “he needs more time.”

Jessica and the number 137

“The two of us together would be sensational!” she’d told Elizabeth at least a hundred and thirty-seven times. p. 2

The Cover: We have to talk about this cover. First of all, is that really Annie Whitman, the chick who’s supposed to be so beautiful that she turns heads wherever she goes? She looks like a reject from Fame or something. And what’s with Jessica’s expression? Either that’s her evil “I’ll get you, my pretty” face, or the artist started drawing Liz but threw a SVH cheerleading sweater on her when he found out what the tag line was going to be. And if you look carefully, you can see a tear rolling down Annie’s cheek. Go on, click on it. I linked it to a larger image just so you could see for yourselves.




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