Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: If you try to have sex with your girlfriend, an avalanche will get you.

The Big Deal: Ski trip, “welcome back from being trapped in an avalanche” party for Todd

Synopsis:

It’s spring break again and this time we’re off to Colorado for a ski trip. Sixteen students, including the twins, Lila, Enid, Todd and Winston, and two chaperones will be making the trip. Lila and Jessica get themselves a couple of “snow bunny” outfits and vow to break hearts all week long. Todd is feeling horny. Everyone is teasing Liz about all the alone time she’ll have with Todd, but she keeps saying they’re being silly, they’ll have roommates and chaperones to keep them company. Everyone gets on some super duper bus that has bunk beds or something, and they drive through the night. While everyone is sleeping, Todd sneaks up the aisle and lays down next to Liz and spoons her. She wakes up and tells him to go away, then Mr. Collins yells for Todd to get back to his own bunk.

Their first day on the slopes, Lila and Jessica meet a gorgeous ski instructor named Lucas King and start acting like they don’t know how to ski, because everyone knows guys hate chicks that know how to do stuff. Jessica manages to get away from Lila and then finagle Lucas into agreeing to a whole day’s worth of lessons. Lila is pissed. They make a deal. Whoever kisses Lucas first wins, and the loser has to ski down Devil’s Run, the most dangerous slope.

That night, Todd walks Liz upstairs when she says she wants to go to sleep. Inspiration strikes and he says he wants to show her his room. She figures he just wants a more private goodnight kiss, so she goes along. Todd starts getting fresh and Liz’s poor sensibilities just can’t take it when he tells her he’s arranged for Winston to sleep somewhere else that night. She looks horrified and stalks into the bathroom. Todd thinks she just wants to freshen up before they get “more intimate.” He settles onto the bed, looking all smug, and Liz comes out of the bathroom and pours a glass of water in his lap. Todd never takes down the Do Not Disturb sign, so poor Winston has to sleep in the lobby all night.

Liz manages to avoid Todd most of the next day, but he eventually finds her and tries to talk. Liz skis away from the path to get away from him. He follows her, and then there’s an avalanche. He loses Liz, but some thirty-something woman in red who’s been eyeing Todd all day comes along and takes him to a cabin. The woman introduces herself as Cassandra, and Todd thinks over and over again how attractive she is. He tears his eyes away from Cassandra long enough to build a fire and call the ski patrol on the handy radio in the kitchen. Liz is in the ski patrol cabin and she hears his voice so she knows he’s okay, but then the radio goes out and she doesn’t hear anything more.

Cassandra flirts with Todd all evening and he’s all, “But Mrs. Robinson!” He lets her have the bed while he sleeps on the couch. He wakes up in the middle of the night to find this thirty-year-old woman kissing him. He freaks out and pushes her away. Uh, lady? People get arrested for that sort of thing.

Enid is feeling ugly again, like she does anytime she goes anywhere with the Wakefield twins. She’s still sad about her breakup with Hugh and she’s determined to meet some guy on this trip and make him fall in love with her. She has a book called A Hundred and One Ways to be Sassy on the Slopes. Enid does everything the book tells her to do, but she keeps attracting guys she doesn’t like. She’s pretty picky for an ugly loser, don’t you think?

Liz is out of her mind worrying about Todd. She insists on staying in the ski patrol cabin. A ski patrol guy named Dirk lets her stay and pretty much breaks all kinds of rules for her. Liz keeps telling him she wants to go with him to search for Todd and he lets her, even though it’s really dangerous. They eventually figure out which cabin Todd is in, and Liz is the first one through the door after they dig the snow away. She walks in and sees Todd and Cassandra kissing. (Really, Cassandra was kissing Todd and he was trying to get away from her, but let’s not tell Liz.) Later, Liz is sitting in front of the fire in the lobby of the lodge, feeling sorry for herself. Dirk sits next to her and tells her what a jerk Todd is, and then he kisses her. Liz tries to push him away, but then, of course, Todd comes up behind them and starts yelling at Liz. Oh, god, I hate you guys. I’ll save you some suspense and tell you they get back together in the end. Of course.

Lila finds out about a party Lucas is going to and slips away to crash it. Jessica is looking out the window when Lila gets back, and she sees Lucas and Lila kissing. Hooray for Lila getting the guy before Jessica! Jessica starts down Devil’s Run the next day, but Lucas finds out and goes speeding over there, much to Lila’s chagrin, because he still thinks Jessica and Lila are beginners. Jessica is actually doing just fine, but she sees Lucas zooming toward her and gets distracted. She crashes into him, fracturing her ankle and spraining his. Lucas decides to stay at the lodge to be close to the clinic, so the next day, Jessica sneaks over to his room while Lila is skiing. They hang out on the couch and just after they start making out, along comes Lila. Jessica tells her to go away. So Lila pays a room service guy fifty bucks to let her hide under his cart. When he pushes the cart into Lucas’ room, Lila jumps out from under the tablecloth and she and Jessica start screaming at each other. Lucas peaces out. Jessica and Lila find him later at Todd’s Welcome Back party, making out with Enid.

Quotes:

“A snow bunny, Jess?” Elizabeth asked, her tone horrified. “Don’t you see how that kind of language just supports the sexist stereotypes that women—”

“Lighten up, Liz,” Jessica urged.

Seriously.

The Cover: Ooh, look at that sexy naked arm helping to hang that Do Not Disturb sign up. As for the inner cover, I have no idea who that’s supposed to be. Todd and Liz? Liz and Dirk? Jessica and Lucas? No idea.

Synopsis: It’s spring break. It was just Christmas a minute ago. Whatever…

Elizabeth: Todd’s going to be in Yosemite for the week and his family has invited Liz to come along, but she’d rather stay home to work on an extra credit paper for English class. It’s a family biography, and Liz has chosen her mother as a subject. Unfortunately, Alice won’t be around for Liz to get the scoop because Hank Patman just hired her to design the new Patman Canning plant in Chicago.

Bruce: Bruce’s parents are separating. Judging by Bruce’s reaction, this is apparently the worst thing that’s ever happened. He and Roger overhear Marie accuse Hank of cheating on her. A few days later, Bruce overhears his father being flirty on the phone with Alice Wakefield. Bruce marches into the Dairi Burger and yells at Liz because Alice is breaking up his parents’ marriage. Liz says he’s an idiot, but when she gets home, she finds Alice rushing out the door. She’s going to meet Hank Patman at the airport and they’re going to Chicago together. Liz sets out to prove her mother’s innocence.

Liz starts spending a lot of time going through trunks and boxes in the attic, sure she’ll find something that will clear her mother’s name. I don’t understand this reasoning at all. Of course, all she finds is a picture of Alice and Hank getting married. Minus ten points for continuity, considering the only time Alice and Hank were together in their wedding clothes was when Alice was telling him she was leaving. Liz shows Bruce the picture and he immediately turns pale and worries that he’s related to the twins. Ha. The rest of the book is just Liz crying about her family woes.

This is our TBC story, so it’ll continue in the next book. Let’s talk about Jessica. She’s way more fun.

Jessica: Lila’s uncle Jimmo owns a “Club Paradise” in Jamaica, and she and Jessica will be spending spring break there. When they get there, Jessica is horrified to discover that Lila has volunteered her to be a camp counselor for the rich people’s kids. The group of kids assigned to her is the brattiest bunch of hellions she’s ever seen, but Lila’s group is well behaved and polite. Jessica is not speaking to Lila, but they’re totally competing over a super sexy windsurfing instructor named Mick Myers. Since they’re on the outs, it’s really easy for Mick to date both of them without either of them knowing it. Lila and Jessica eventually figure out they’re being two-timed and start making plans for revenge.

Mick has also been dating another counselor, Julia. Julia is overweight, so she is very unpleasant. She is apparently too fat to see how charming Jessica is, so she hates her. When Lila and Jessica come into the counselors’ cabin talking about Mick, Julia finds out Mick has been dating all the counselors. She decides to get in on Jessica and Lila’s plan, even though she doesn’t trust attractive girls. Julia is an obnoxious reminder of how Francine feels about fat people.

The counselors put on a talent show for the parents, and Jessica does a magic act. She gets Mick to come watch so he can be her volunteer. Once he’s onstage, Jessica and Lila manage to break his wristwatch, and then cut his hair and dye it purple with powdered paint that won’t wash out. I think I would have been a lot meaner.

Quotes:

Lila walked by with her nose in the air. In a straight line behind her, six obedient kindergartners waddled like baby geese, singing in unison, “Row, row, row your yacht…”

I need someone like Lila in my life.

“Do you like my picture, Jessica?” Suzy asked. “It’s a picture of you screaming at us.”

This made me laugh.

“Am I your type?” Mick asked… “Do you go for tall, attractive guys with great bodies and long, sexy hair?”

Ew. Not if they talk to me like that.

Elizabeth had amnesia and her defenses were down. Bruce had tried to take advantage of her – what guy wouldn’t? Unfortunately, she got her memory back just in time, ran right out of his house, and wrecked his plans for the evening.

Finally, the attempted rape from Bruce’s point of view. Jackass.

The Cover: The scene on the cover happens when Jessica is hanging out with Larry the Lifeguard on the beach, and they happen to run into Lila and Mick. They play a game where Lila and Jessica try to knock each other down. The cover art makes it look like a lot more fun than they really had. Anyway, how cute is Lila? What’s wrong with Jessica’s right boob?

The moral of the story: Kansas sucks.

The Big Deal: Party at Annie Sue Sawyer’s house and a big square dance.

Synopsis:

For their spring break, the twins are off to Walkersville, Kansas. They will be staying with their mother’s aunt and uncle, the Walkers. Alice tells them how quaint and lovely Walkersville is and suggests Jessica dress conservatively. We don’t want her to scare the simple folk in Kansas and Uncle Herman is mayor of Walkersville, so we don’t want anyone thinking badly of the family. When they get there, the twins are just delighted at what a “sweet little town” Walkersville is. Aunt Shirley and Uncle Herman take them on a tour of the town. Jessica wanders off to flirt with some guys and then can’t figure out why their girlfriends seem to hate her. None of the town’s teenage girls (all six of ‘em) are interested in being friends with the twins.

There’s a carnival in town and the twins are all excited to go. Mrs. Walker doesn’t like Jessica’s outfit (a jumpsuit with rhinestones on it) and pats her hair nervously when Jessica insists on wearing it. She warns the girls not to get involved with the “carnies” because that sort of thing is frowned upon here in Walkersville. So the first thing Jessica does is fall in love with the carnival owner’s son, Alex. And it turns out he has an identical twin named Brad who would be perfect for Liz because he wants to be a journalist. As they’re conversing, Annie Sue, the ringleader of the Walkersville Witches (I just made that up myself), comes over with her boyfriend Dennis, who thinks Jessica’s rhinestones are diamonds, and tries to take Alex’s attention away from the twins. It doesn’t work and she stalks off. Jessica makes plans to meet Alex after the carnival closes, but when she tells Aunt Shirley, the woman clutches her heart and asks for her pills, because people from Kansas never go out alone at night. So Jessica pretends to go to bed and sneaks out.

The next day the twins are volunteering at their uncle’s soda shop when Dennis and his buddies come in. The twins are hanging out with them and having a good time, but then Annie Sue and her friends show up and Annie Sue starts telling lies about the twins making fun of her. She gets everyone to leave the soda shop and the twins decide to ignore her, but later that day Annie Sue’s grandmother invites them to spend the day at her family’s farm. When they get there, Annie Sue isn’t there yet but her little sister Janie has been instructed to be a total brat to the twins. Annie Sue’s grandmother is a very pleasant old woman and she and Aunt Shirley both think there must be some reasonable explanation for why Annie Sue and her friends never show for lunch because Annie Sue is such a sweet girl. The twins are mortified about getting stood up. Whatever. If it was me, I’d be happy the bitch didn’t show. More food for me and less bitchery, too.

Liz goes into town and notices a couple of Annie Sue’s friends wearing headbands and sweatshirt dresses just like Jessica’s. The twins are like Regina George, everyone wants to look like them because they’re so fab and Kansas has never seen anything like them. Liz spends the afternoon with Brad and gets all freaked out when she realizes he’s crushing on her because what about Jeffrey? It’s really hard being so damned adorable.

Jessica keeps sneaking out to see Alex. Every night at nine o’clock she says she’s exhausted and going to bed, then she goes out. Aunt Shirley and Uncle Herman are ridiculous and start to get worried that Jessica’s depressed or bored or sick and oh my god, this book is freaking horrible. Annie Sue sees Jessica making out with Alex that night and Jessica knows she’s going to get in trouble for being with a “carnie.” Sure enough, the next day Annie Sue demands Jessica give her the headband she’s wearing or she’ll tattle. Jessica, instead of letting Annie Sue just go ahead and tell the Walkers what she saw and then claiming it’s a lie, gives in.

The twins are planning to go to the Big Square Dance with Alex and Brad on their last night in town, but the Walkers get all freaked out about it and say they have to discuss it before coming to a decision. I fucking hate this book. They end up deciding the twins will not be allowed to go to the square dance with two boys whose families the Walkers don’t know anything about. Jessica runs away from the dinner table and then sneaks out to see Alex one last time.

Jessica gets to the corral (did I mention Alex is the carnival’s horse guy?) just in time for Alex to run off to meet with Annie Sue’s father, who will be buying the horse Jessica has grown fond of. He asks Jessica to watch the corral and then leaves. And just then Annie Sue comes along and decides she can ride Midnight since he’s almost hers anyway. The horse freaks out because he’s not entirely trained yet and Jessica has to save the day.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Aunt Shirley finds out Jessica has left the house without permission and just about loses her mind over it. She, Uncle Herman and Liz hop in the car and head for the carnival. They get there just as Alex and Jessica are calming Midnight down and saving Annie Sue from getting thrown. Annie Sue, her father, Alex and Jessica each take a turn insisting to the crowd that has gathered that the whole thing was his or her fault, and then someone suggests a round of applause for Alex and Jessica. Annie Sue apologizes to Jessica and explains that the reason she was so terrible was that she was jealous and insecure. Because, you know, she’s from Kansas so she’s not glamorous and she’s never dated an older guy like Jessica has. Annie Sue makes everyone go back to her house for a big party to celebrate almost getting thrown off a horse. Liz sees a cut on Alex’s hand, notices it’s in the same place Brad cut himself a few days ago and realizes there is no Brad. Alex is just one guy who’s been playing the twins for a coupl’a foo’s. Liz tells Alex to make an excuse for why Brad can’t go to the square dance and she’ll go along with it to save Jessica from getting hurt.

At the square dance, Liz and Annie Sue make Alex miserable by making him switch dance partners all night. And then he apologizes and Liz kisses him on the cheek. Or something. I don’t care. The book ends and Shannon breathes a sigh of relief. The end.

Worst book ever. The twins’ aunt and uncle are portrayed as simpletons from yesteryear, Annie Sue’s boyfriend has never seen rhinestones before, Annie Sue has a “Sue” in her name, everyone lives on a farm. The list of stereotypes goes on and on. The worst, the absolute worst, is the over-the-top-ness of Aunt Shirley. Clutching her heart every time something out of the ordinary happens, not letting the twins out of her sight. Ugh.

Quotes:

“I met a nice guy there tonight, and I’m supposed to meet him when the carnival shuts down.”

“You met–” Aunt Shirley turned white. “Herman,” she said weakly, clutching her heart. “My pills–”

No joke.

“Left? Left where? Herman!” Mrs. Walker called, clutching her heart. “Something terrible has happened–Jessica’s run away!”

This book is so horrible.

The Cover: They actually wear those outfits to the square dance. The only thing changed is Liz’s shirt, which is supposed to have red and white checks.

The moral of the story: 1.) A Wakefield twin can change even the most racist jackass’s opinion about Americans. 2.) It’s okay to steal your sister’s boyfriend as long as you really love him. 3.) Just because two people look the same doesn’t mean they are the same. (This lesson has to be taught to Steven, the dumbass brother of identical twins who are like night and day.)

Best Outfit: Jessica – “a pair of velour jogging pants and a loose, man-tailored shirt.” She also wears a pair of stirrup pants later.

Synopsis:

Well, the twins are off to France for a ten day student exchange organized by Ms. Dalton. On the plane, Liz looks at a picture of the family they’ll be staying with and Jessica teases her for having a crush on the seventeen-year-old in the picture. He’s wearing very tight jeans, but Liz insists she’s not interested. Then for some reason they start talking about Cara and Steven’s new relationship and how Enid can’t go to France because she has to stay home and babysit.

When they arrive in France, Avery Glize and her son René – he of the tight jeans – pick them up at the airport and it soon becomes clear that René is a big ol’ jerkface who hates Americans. Liz decides she finds him “as attractive as an algebra exam.” He says some mean things and his mother scolds him and they have a big argument in front of the twins.

Meanwhile, in Sweet Valley, Steven is getting along swimmingly with René’s sister Ferney. This is because Ferney looks exactly like Tricia Martin. Not only that, but she likes science, just like Tricia did. Ah, jeez. He feels a strong attraction to Ferney and feels bad for Cara, but then rationalizes his feelings with all kinds of thoughts about how Cara would understand and he’s only attracted to Ferney because she looks so much like Tricia and really there’s nothing to worry about. Yeah, right. We’ll see. Ned and Alice are worried about Steve, but they decide the best course of action is to do nothing and let Steve come to them when he needs to. Man, they are really excellent parents. Steve starts ignoring Cara’s calls and spending all his time with Ferney.

Liz and Jessica go jogging, but Jessica turns back after a while because she’s tired. She meets a boy named Marc. He’s kind of funny looking, but Jessica thinks he’ll do. They agree to meet in an hour for him to take her to the beach. It ends up being a nude beach and Jessica is all excited about not having tan lines. Back at the house, Liz overhears an argument between Avery and René. René doesn’t want to take the twins out and show them around. He says some things about selfish Americans and something about his father leaving and Liz doesn’t put two and two together and figure out that René’s father was an American who left the family at some point. Let’s see if I’m right. Oh, it only takes her ten pages to deduce that! Well done, Liz. René reluctantly takes Liz out to meet his friends at a café, and while he’s in the bathroom, his friends confirm her suspicions about his father. They also stick up for Liz when René humiliates and makes fun of her. He kind of freaks out when Liz asks if they can go to the beach. He’s a real jackass.

Back at the house, Liz goes outside to write in her diary and finds a lost puppy. She figures out where he lives and takes him to his owner, who turns out to be a countess. She invites Liz in and they have a marvelous chat. She goes back the next day and meets the countess’s grandson, Jean-Claude, who is, of course, gorgeous. Jean-Claude tells Liz that René’s best friend died a couple years ago while René was swimming with him. So now Liz understands why he was all pissed off about the beach and she’s all torn about him. Is he an asshole or is he just a tortured soul? Either way, he’s treating you like crap, Liz, so just leave him alone.

Liz has plans to go out with Jean-Claude again, but Avery calls and asks her to run an errand for her. When Jean-Claude gets to the house, Jessica falls in love with him on sight and pretends to be Liz to go out with him. Liz gets home and has an argument with René because he’s a jackass, but then she feels bad for him and tries to reach out. He rejects her efforts because he’s a jackass. The next day, she tries to get him to read a letter from his father and is just starting to get through to him when Jessica flounces in and says something really mean about René being afraid of water. The moment’s over and René leaves the room in a huff.

Back in Sweet Valley, Steven finally introduces Ferney to his friend David, a French student. When David starts translating for them, Steve is shocked to learn that Ferney is more interested in lipstick and fashion magazines than science and books. He wises up and realizes Cara’s soul is more like Tricia’s, even though she doesn’t look like her. Steve hasn’t really learned anything here if he thinks he needs his new girlfriend to have Tricia’s soul. I hate Steven.

Funny-looking Marc shows up to ask Jessica to go to an art exhibit, but Jessica is out so Liz goes with him instead. Of course, she handles it correctly, explaining to Marc that she’s not Jessica but that she’d like to accompany him. At the exhibit they meet a girl named Veronique and the three of them hit it off. When Liz gets back to the Glizes’ house around five, she’s concerned that Jessica isn’t back yet. She said she’d be home at three-thirty. At seven Liz is starting to get panicky when René comes home and says Jessica is with Jean-Claude. Liz calls the countess and finds out Jean-Claude took Jessica sailing. There’s a horrible storm raging outside, so Liz is all freaked out. She asks René for his help and he drives her to the beach where he puts aside his hydrophobia and jumps into the water with Liz to help her save Jessica and Jean-Claude. When Jessica comes to, Liz can see the love on her face when she looks at Jean-Claude (gag) so she introduces herself to Jean-Claude as Jessica, thereby letting Jessica get away with pretending to be her to steal her boyfriend. I HATE when Liz is a doormat. UGH.

Jessica ends up coming clean to Jean-Claude and he still loves her. René apologizes to Liz for acting like a piece of crap and they make a date for the next day. Steven apologizes to Cara and she takes him back and everything is just terrific.

Quotes:

His tightly fitting jeans were unmistakably French.

What the hell do French jeans look like and how does Liz know?

If only Jean-Claude would quit calling her Elizabeth. It was the one dark cloud in an otherwise flawless day. But she couldn’t tell him the truth. Not now, at least. It was still too soon. She would have to wait until he was so much in love that he wouldn’t care who she was.

I hate Jessica.

“I know you think I’m like that, the kind of person to meddle in other people’s business, but that’s not true.”

Since when, Liz?

He kept anticipating Tricia’s wit, intelligence, and maturity in Ferney’s answers, and he was getting none of that. Perhaps he was asking the wrong questions.

Perhaps. Or perhaps she’s not Tricia, you psycho.

Jessica and the Number 137:

“Look, I’ve thanked you a hundred and thirty-seven times for pulling me out of there, and I appreciate your concern, but I’m absolutely fine.”

The Cover: Jessica looks like she’s doing some kind of evil villain laugh and Liz looks like she’s found something shocking in her little France booklet there. And why is she dressed like an old woman?

The moral of the story: If you send your kids to boarding school, they’ll grow up to be the devil.

The Big Deal: Party at Lila’s and another at the lake

Best outfit: Liz – her favorite velvet skirt and a high-necked lace Victorian blouse

Synopsis: Suzanne Devlin is the daughter of a friend of Ned’s who lives in New York. She’s coming to Sweet Valley over spring break and the Wakefields will send one twin to New York in her place. Elizabeth wins the coin toss, but Jessica talks her out of going by making her think Todd will cheat on her while she’s gone.

Suzanne arrives and dazzles everyone with her beauty and charm. She’s so gorgeous she even makes Liz self-conscious about her own “lovely size six figure.” Liz takes her to the school picnic at the lake and the boys all fall in love with her. Then Suzanne pretends to be drowning so Mr. Collins, he of the crinkly blue eyes, can save her.

A few days later, Suzanne steals Liz’s necklace. Then she offers to drop something off with Mr. Collins and flirts with him unsuccessfully while she’s there. Then Todd shows up with Lakers tickets and Suzanne offers to take over Liz’s job babysitting for Teddy that night so Liz can go to the game.

Now, if I’m Mr. Collins and this slutty high school chick I already don’t trust shows up unexpectedly to watch my kid, I’m staying home. But, “it’ll have to do.” As soon as he’s gone, Suzanne ignores the kid, goes through Mr. Collins’s stuff and takes a bath in his tub. Creepy. When he comes home she tries to seduce him, but he rejects her. Burn! She storms out in a huff and walks home, purposely ripping her shirt on the way. When she gets back to the Wakefields’ house she tells Liz that Mr. Collins attacked her. And Liz believes her. It’s the scandal of the century.

Then, just before Todd picks her up for the big party at Lila’s house, Liz finds her necklace in Suzanne’s suitcase. Now, you mustn’t think she was snooping! Elizabeth Wakefield would never, ever do something like that. She was just trying to make some room for the gift she’d bought for Suzanne. Ugh. Confused about the necklace and worried Suzanne might have lied about other things, Liz has Todd swing by Mr. Collins’ house on the way to the party. She finds out Suzanne lied and vows that she won’t get away with it.

At the party, she confronts Suzanne, who confesses to everything. Before Elizabeth can do anything about it, Suzanne starts telling everyone Liz is acting weird, like that time after the motorcycle accident. Well played, Suzy. Ruin her credibility before she even has a chance, you devious minx. Enid comes to Liz in tears and tells her what everyone is saying, so Liz marches up to Suzanne, right there in front of everyone, and tells her to stop spreading lies. Winston, who had heard Suzanne’s confession earlier, spills a well-timed drink on the evil bitch’s white dress. Suzy loses her cool and turns into a monster, screaming and crying. I picture everyone backing away from her with horrified expressions on their faces. So Mr. Collins gets his job back and everything is terrific again.

Oh, and in New York, Jessica almost gets raped by Suzanne’s boyfriend. No big deal.

Quotes:

“Ned, didn’t you say she’s gone to boarding schools most of her life?” She sighed. “I suppose there’s nothing wrong with it, but I don’t see how I ever could have sent you kids away like that. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but I think children belong at home until they’re ready for college.”

Thanks, Alice. I will sure take that into consideration, considering how well your kids turned out. I mean, you have Goofus and Gallant for daughters and a son who comes home from college every weekend to hang out with high school kids. You’ve done an amazing job.

Steven: “If you turned sideways and stuck your tongue out, you could probably pass for a zipper.”

Liz: “Don’t I wish!”

Ugh.

Jessica and the number 137

“I’ll probably never set foot out of this dumb town for the next hundred and thirty-seven years!” p. 6

“The Devlins – well, it would take me a hundred and thirty-seven years to describe them.” p. 69

The Cover: Doesn’t Suzanne just look like a snobby bitch? I kind of just want to punch her in the throat. She reminds me of someone, but I can’t put my finger on it. And I love the snarky look on Liz’s face. Oh, and can Liz please, please do something else with her hair? The whole pulled-back-with-barrettes thing is so old.