Sweet Valley High Senior Year #39: Best of Enemies

The Moral of the Story: Any excuse for a dance, right?

The Big Deal: President’s Day dance

Synopsis:

Melissa is a manipulative bitch: Melissa is totally pissed that Will kissed another girl, but she figures he can make it up to her and then things will be back to normal. So she goes to school all ready to listen to his groveling, and she’s thoroughly confused when Will never shows up at her locker. She finally sees him near the end of the day and he tells her he thinks they should break up. The cheerleaders have to organize a President’s Day dance (don’t ask), and Melissa is determined that she and Will are back together before the dance can happen, and that way she won’t have to go dateless and nobody will ever know about the breakup.

Melissa and Jessica are both assigned to work on music for the dance, and neither one of them is happy about it. Melissa is so depressed about Will that she just tells Jessica to do all the work herself. Jessica makes some crappy flyers to let everyone know she’s looking for a band (aw, I guess the Droids broke up or are no longer the go-to band for dances), and then gets pissed when Melissa says she sent a mass email to the students telling them when their bands could audition. Jessica thinks the best way to get back at Melissa (for what, actually helping?) is to overwhelm her with work. So she gets Jeremy to put up flyers at Big Mesa and Steven to put up flyers at the university.

Audition time rolls around and Jessica the genius has a headache from listening to so many terrible bands. She really didn’t think this one through. A couple of girls are gossiping outside the auditorium, and Jessica hears them say Will dumped Melissa after he made out with Erika Brooks. Melissa freaks out and leaves, and Jessica actually feels bad for her. Why? Some guy named Ronald comes up to Jessica and gives her a CD. Ronald and Jessica apparently shared a locker back in eighth grade and now he’s a DJ. He offers to work at the dance for a sweetly discounted price. Jessica hires him.

After a weird pep talk from her mother (“remind Will of what he’s missing”), Melissa decides to go snag a college boy toy. She puts on a black leather miniskirt, heads out to the SVU campus and crashes the first party she can find. She starts flirting with a good looking guy, but backs off when he introduces himself as Steve Wakefield. She finds what seems to be the most lecherous guy in the room, Kel, and makes vaguely sexy promises to show him a good time if he’ll go with her to the SVH dance. Kel, apparently willing to go to considerable lengths for jailbait, agrees.

Andy and Dave are gay: Dave’s father has been avoiding him since Dave announced he’s gay, but his mom is really cool. Dave tells her about Andy, and Ms. Niles insists on taking the two of them to dinner so she can meet him. Andy sweeps her off her feet and the three of them have a lovely time together, so Andy thinks everything is awesome now. He can’t believe it when Dave doesn’t want to go to the dance with him.

At the dance: Andy is overjoyed when Dave shows up after all. Alanna kind of freaks out a little when she realizes someone has spiked the punch, but she manages not to drink any. Melissa, on the other hand, gets totally sloshed and Will is sickened because she’s letting Kel put his hands all over her. Will is having a bad time anyway because Erika is pretty much ignoring him, and the night just gets worse when he and Melissa are voted as President and First Lady (because it’s a President’s Day dance, of course). Melissa gets angry about this for some reason and makes a huge scene. She tells Will that she and Kel are leaving to have some “real fun.”

After they leave, Ronald the DJ tells Jessica that Kel is a total perv whose dad has a lot of money so “charges against him tend to get dropped.” Kel apparently did something to one of Ronald’s friends, and he’s worried something bad is going to happen to Melissa. Jessica finds them in the parking lot. She can tell Melissa doesn’t really want to be anywhere near Kel, so she makes something up about Melissa needing to come back inside. Kel starts to get fresh, but Jeremy and Trent come out as backup. Kel leaves and Jeremy and Jessica take Melissa home. Jessica thinks Melissa is asleep in the backseat and she tells Jeremy she was really looking forward to the dance because it would have been their first dance together. Melissa hears this and leaves a CD in the car for Jessica and Jeremy to listen to. They pop it in and dance around in Melissa’s driveway. I think. I kind of stopped paying attention toward the end there.

Quotes:

Mrs. Fox: It’s very simple, Melissa. All you have to do is remind Will of what he’s missing.

Melissa: You think I should just prance around in some hot outfit and flirt with other guys until Will starts paying attention again?

Mrs. Fox: That is precisely what I think.

Well, at least we know Melissa comes by her crazy honestly. It clearly runs in the family.

The Cover: I think I’d look pretty bitchy too if I had a Wakefield giving me pitying looks all the time.

15 Comments

Shannon, May 14th 2010 | Tags: , , , ,
Posted in 2. Senior Year

Sweet Valley High #98: The Wedding

SVH098Synopsis: One of the sucky things about this new miniseries format is the amount of time wasted recapping the previous books.

Elizabeth: Liz feels like it’s a whole new world ever since she was acquitted of manslaughter. She and Enid go to the Dairi Burger and Liz is feeling so good about her life that she orders a hot fudge sundae. Suddenly, Ted Carpenter, a guy we’ve never heard of but who is apparently Sam’s best friend, marches into the Dairi Burger and harasses Liz about having such a good time when Sam is dead. What an ass. Liz, of course, berates herself for having forgotten for a few minutes to feel guilty. Liz gets over it, and people start leaving her alone as the days pass. One day, Todd sees her walking home and offers her a ride. Liz is all, “Fuck off, sister-dater.”

Jessica: Jessica knows she’s losing Todd, so she uses Sam’s death to make him feel sorry for her and stick around. After one last disastrous date, though, Todd tells her it’s over. She refuses his offer of a ride home and starts walking. She ends up at the cemetery and cries for a while. Then she decides to do something “life affirming.” She’s going to plan a dirt bike rally in Sam’s honor. Jessica hears Liz having a nightmare one night and she suddenly can’t bear it. She goes to Liz’s room and comforts her. She’s about to confess to spiking Liz’s drink at the prom, but then Alice comes in all smiley about the twins getting along. Jessica loses her nerve and goes back to ignoring her sister.

Lila: Lila’s mother helps Lila throw a party for all her friends. Lila is grateful, but wishes Grace’s boyfriend, Pierre, didn’t have to be there. Amy, looking scared of something, leaves the party early without telling anyone what’s wrong. She calls Lila the next day and says Pierre came on to her and touched her boob. Lila is outraged for her friend, of course, but she’s also pleased that now she has a reason to get Pierre out of Grace’s life so Grace can stay at Fowler Crest. Of course, she doesn’t want to tell Grace right away because she’s afraid she won’t believe her. She comes up with another plan. She takes an entire day off school to spend with Pierre. She makes sure he gets drunk, then takes him back to Fowler Crest and shoves him in a closet. Then she goes off without him to have dinner with her parents. George is happy Pierre isn’t there, and he proposes to Grace. Grace is hesitant, and just then Pierre comes into the restaurant, hammered out of his mind. The maître d’ throws him out, and Lila follows. She tells Pierre she knows what he did to Amy, and if he goes back to Paris right now, she won’t tell anyone. Inside, Grace and George decide to get married.

Margo: Margo is staying at a boardinghouse in Sweet Valley. She can’t wait to take over Elizabeth Wakefield’s life. She goes to Kelly’s Bar (I’m guessing it used to be Kelly’s Roadhouse) and meets a gorgeous dirt bike racer named James. Margo pays James to enter Jessica’s rally and win. She wants him to get Jessica’s attention and then get as much information about the Wakefields as he can. James does what she wants and then reports back to Margo every night, and all the while, Jessica is falling in love with him. Margo reads about the Fowler wedding in the paper and wants to be there. She tries to get a job with the caterers, but they don’t need anyone. Margo kills one of the servers so they have an opening. Because I guess that’s easier than gatecrashing.

The outcome: The Fowler wedding is a huge success. Maria Santelli is out of town, so Winston asks Liz to be his date. Liz has more fun than she’s had in a long time, and she and Winston get busy cutting a rug on the dance floor. Todd gets jealous and asks Liz to dance. They dance one song, and then Liz thanks him and walks away. Margo, watching from the sidelines, vows to make Todd her boyfriend just as soon as she kills Liz.

Quotes:

The other times this had happened, Todd had allowed himself to melt into the embrace by imagining that it was Elizabeth he was with, and not her identical twin.

God, this guy is disgusting.

The Cover: I suppose that’s Jessica and James over there by the dirt bike track, but they look terrible. That’s not at all how I pictured James. For the main event, Lila looks really bad and George looks like Wayne Newton or something. As for Grace, I get a little creeped out by brides if I can’t see their faces. I think some of it is because of that creepy kid in The Others, but mostly because of that shot in Flowers in the Attic after the mom’s been hanged by her damned bridal veil.

336898453_41bdb80109

Damn, that's creepy.

14 Comments

Shannon, August 27th 2009 | Tags: , , ,
Posted in 1. Original Series

Sweet Valley High Magna Edition: A Night to Remember

MAGNA-NightToRemember-Outer

This is where the whole thing goes sideways, folks. Get ready.

The moral of the story: Prom is just not worth it.

The Big Deal: Party at the beach, horrible Jungle Prom

Synopsis:

At a totally awesome beach party, Bruce dares Jessica to swim out to the buoy. Liz begs Jessica not to do it, but Jessica laughs and jumps in the water (after stripping down to her bikini “striptease-style”). Liz runs around freaking out, telling Todd, Sam and Enid that Jessica’s in the water. Everyone tells Liz to chill, but she can’t. Jessica comes back to shore and Liz is all, “Jessica! You’re all right!” Jessica laughs and says of course she’s all right. Liz gets upset and decides she’s not going to worry about Jessica anymore; Liz is only going to worry about herself from now on.

Lila is having a terrible time with her date, Tony Alimenti. He’s a nice guy, but Lila isn’t ready for dating yet and only agreed to come to the party because Jessica and Amy wouldn’t leave her alone. Lila watches her friends dancing and wonders if they’re ever scared that their boyfriends will overpower them. Then Tony tries to put his arm around her and she jumps.

Meanwhile, Bruce is making out with Andrea Slade. He knows Andrea likes him a lot, but he’s just not interested because she doesn’t present a challenge. She tries to get him to commit to a picnic next weekend, but Bruce is an ass and tells her he doesn’t do commitment and if she doesn’t like it she can take a hike.

A ton of kids run onto the beach wearing Big Mesa’s school colors. They knock over the food table, spray shaving cream on everything and pick up the girls and carry them for a few feet and then drop them in the sand (Lila screams at the top of her lungs). The whole thing only lasts five minutes, but the mess is horrible. Sweet Valley wants revenge.

At the Dairi Burger afterward, the twins argue over whether or not Sweet Valley should retaliate while Bruce and some other former Club X members are in the parking lot discussing how they can get revenge on Big Mesa. Tony takes Lila home and she freaks out when he tries to kiss her goodnight. Liz and Todd go to Miller’s Point and talk. They decide everyone will calm down and nothing else will come of the raid on the beach.

While getting ready for the beach party, the twins came up with an awesome idea for a jungle themed school dance. At school on Tuesday, Liz tells her friends she’s gotten the go ahead from Principal Cooper on the Jungle Prom. They talk about whether or not there should be a king and queen, and Liz wonders if she should go for it. Later, Todd convinces her she would be a great queen. After school, Jessica goes out with her friends and declares that she intends to be prom queen.

Jungle Queen

Jungle Queen

Lila has a session that afternoon with Nathan Pritchard, her counselor. She’s really upset about Saturday night and tells Nathan what happened with Tony. Nathan does his best to convince her that maybe Tony wasn’t trying to hurt her and that Lila’s just oversensitive right now. Lila concedes that he’s probably right and says she doesn’t want to be scared of every boy in the world.

Environmental Alert, the organization Liz found to fund the prom, calls Liz and says they’ve put together a prize package for whoever is elected prom queen. The queen will win a trip to Brazil and the opportunity to be an honorary spokesperson for Environmental Alert. Liz runs out to the pool to tell Jessica and Lila the news. When she goes back inside, Jessica starts gushing to Lila about how awesome it will be when she’s prom queen. Lila pretends to fall asleep so Jessica will shut up. A few minutes later, Alice comes home. Lila watches Alice and Jessica talk to each other. She wishes she had a mother to talk to. Damn, Lila makes me so sad in this book.

Jessica misses a meeting of the prom committee, so Liz goes ahead without her. The committee decides on formal dress for the prom, which Liz knows is going to upset Jessica, who wanted everyone to dress all Tarzan and Jane. When Liz tells everyone about the prize package for the queen, everyone on the committee tells her she’s the logical choice. Jessica is pissed that Liz let the committee vote on the dress code issue without her, but doesn’t mind when she realizes that if it weren’t for Liz, Jessica wouldn’t be going to Brazil. She’s sure she doesn’t have any competition for the title of queen.

Andrea finds Bruce after school on Friday and asks him what he’s doing the next day. Bruce says something rude and is sure she’ll tell him off, but she just looks sad and tells him to call her sometime. Bruce thinks it’s kind of fun to string her along and see how much abuse she’ll take. He goes outside to the parking lot to find that his car, along with everyone else’s, is a mess. The damned Big Mesa jerks have come back with their shaving cream and they’ve drawn bulls (their mascot) all over everyone’s cars. The same afternoon, Liz gets a copy of Big Mesa’s newspaper in her Oracle inbox. There’s an article about how crappy Sweet Valley’s basketball team is.

A few days later, Liz is looking over The Oracle before it goes to the printer and notices the story she asked Caroline to write is a little weird. She wanted an article promoting the prom and asked Caroline to leave names out of it, including Liz’s. Caroline has written a piece of crap that makes it sound like the whole prom was Jessica’s idea. Liz is pissed, but decides to get over it. That night, Jessica says something about “when I go to Brazil,” and Liz gets angry again. She asks Jessica if it ever occurred to her that Liz might like to go to Brazil. Jessica says no, being prom queen isn’t really Liz’s thing. Liz gets all weird and asks how Jessica knows what her kind of thing is, as if Jessica hasn’t been living with her for sixteen years. They have a big argument. Afterward, Jessica goes to Sam’s to study and tells him how strange Liz has been acting. Sam makes her forget about it and they talk about maybe spending the night together after the prom.

There’s a big pep rally for all the sporting events that are coming up. Jessica outshines the rest of the cheerleaders and then makes a big speech about the prom. Liz knows it’s all part of her campaign to be voted queen.

Jessica and Lila are shopping at Lisette’s a few days later and talking about Liz. Lila tells Jessica to stop being so cocky about being voted queen because a lot of people think Liz is going to win. Jessica is all “Yeah, whatever.” She finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Just then, Liz and Enid come in. Liz finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Jessica and Liz come out of their fitting rooms at the same time wearing the same dress. Lila thinks it’s pretty funny.

Bruce goes to the marina to take his father’s boat out. He runs into Nicholas Morrow, who mentions Regina. Bruce doesn’t know how Nicholas can talk about her without getting upset. Bruce goes home that night, takes a picture of Regina out of his nightstand drawer and cries.

On Friday, Liz gets another delivery from Big Mesa. It’s another article from the Bull’s Eye, and this one is full of accusations that Sweet Valley cheated to win the track meet the day before. Todd convinces Liz not to retaliate and they go to lunch. In the cafeteria, Jessica is handing out buttons that say “Save the Rainforest—Come to the Jungle Prom,” and telling people she used her own money to have them made. Liz is outraged at Jessica’s campaigning. Liz, you’re allowed to campaign, too, if you want. Todd tries to tell her to calm down, and she gets even more angry.

On Monday morning, Lila is getting ready for school and wondering if she should go to the prom. She starts thinking about Nathan realizes he’s really cute, and Lila is grateful to him for helping her so much in counseling. She decides she’ll go to the prom even though she doesn’t have a date. Nathan will be chaperoning and she can just hang out with him. Lila goes into her counseling session that afternoon a new woman. She flirts with Nathan a little and tells him she’s back to her old self.

Jessica drags Amy, Robin and Lila to a prom committee meeting and pisses Liz off by acting like she wants to be involved. Before the meeting is over, she brings up the real reason she came to the meeting: she doesn’t think any Big Mesa kids should be allowed to come to the prom. The committee is split, so Liz arranges for the whole school to vote. She’s happy when the school votes against Jessica’s idea.

Later, Penny tells the twins that she was contacted by Sweet Sixteen magazine. They heard about the prom and want to do an interview with whoever came up with the idea. I’m so sure. Liz and Jessica are scheduled for an interview and photo shoot the next day. Jessica doesn’t show up and the Sweet Sixteen people are tired of waiting. Against her better judgment, Liz agrees to do the interview alone. When Jessica shows up forty-five minutes late and finds out they left without her, she’s convinced Liz set it all up somehow.

On Wednesday, Liz writes an editorial for The Oracle. It’s an attack on Big Mesa. Liz gets mad when Todd tells her she’s being mean. Friday night is the big basketball game against Big Mesa, and Liz says some mean things to Enid about Hugh not having the guts to show up and support his school. Damn, she’s crabby. Sweet Valley wins the game, and the Big Mesa kids hightail it out of there.

Finally, it’s prom night. Everyone lavishes Liz with praise and Jessica is mad that they’re all acting like Liz did all the work. When Sam points out that Liz actually did do all the work, Jessica stomps off and tells him to ask someone else to dance. He asks Liz. Todd is elected prom king, and in one hour, the queen will be announced. Jessica knows she needs to do something fast if she’s going to take Liz out of the running, which she’s even more determined to do when she sees Liz and Sam dancing together. A Big Mesa guy starts flirting with Jessica and she notices he’s drunk. She flirts back to get some of his alcohol and then pours a ton of it into Liz’s punch cup.

Drunk and happy, Liz tells Sam she doesn’t care about being queen. She yells to Andrea and Patty that she’s withdrawing her name so Jessica can win. Jessica does win, but as soon as the crown is on her head, she feels guilty.

Suddenly, twenty or thirty Big Mesa kids come in and start running through the gym, punching people on their way through to the football field. Bruce rounds up a bunch of guys to follow them. Jessica, suddenly worried about Liz, jumps off the stage to try to find her. She sees Liz and Sam wobbling out the door, but by the time she makes her way through the crowd and into the parking lot, Liz is in the driver’s seat of the Jeep. Before Jessica can get to them, Liz drives off. Jessica finds Todd and tells him they need to go after them.

Lila is stuck in the gym. No matter what exit she tries to use, there are people blocking her way. Finally, Nathan takes her arm and leads her out of the gymnasium. The hallway isn’t much better, so Nathan pulls her into an empty classroom. Once they’re alone, Lila has a flashback to John’s attack on her and she’s suddenly sure that Nathan was only pretending to be nice so he could get her alone and take advantage of her. She screams. The cops have made it to the school, and at the sound of Lila’s scream, they burst into the classroom. Lila says Nathan attacked her, and the cops haul him off.

There’s a massive brawl out on the football field and Bruce is right in the middle of it. A Big Mesa kid hits him with a bat and knocks him down. Just as the other guy is going to hit him again, a beautiful girl tells the guy to stop. She reaches out to help Bruce up, but he gets kicked in the head and blacks out.

Todd and Jessica hop in Todd’s car and go off in the direction Liz and Sam went. Jessica tells Todd that Liz and Sam are drunk, but says she doesn’t know where they got the alcohol. They see a crashed Jeep on the side of the road and pull over. There are cops on the scene already, and they say both the driver and passenger are dead.

To be continued…

Quotes:

In [Bruce’s] opinion, the only fun in dating was the sport of it. The more it was like a tennis match, where he had to wear down his opponent through expertise and sheer force of will, the better he liked it.

Jeez. What a freak.

The Cover: God, the twins are so ugly! Is it really possible that neither one of them did anything special with her hair for the biggest social event of the year?

MAGNA-NightToRemember-Inner

25 Comments

Shannon, August 21st 2009 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in 1. Original Series

Sweet Valley High #90: Don’t Go Home with John

SVH090The moral of the story: All boys are evil, even the nice ones.

The Big Deal: Costume ball at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Lila is having a costume ball in two weeks. Which is awesome. I mean, how many of your high school friends threw costume balls? Jessica, Amy and Maria are complaining that they can’t get their boyfriends to dress up the way they want them to. Then they tease Lila about her lack of a date, and then about her crush on John Pfeifer. Lila and John have been spending a lot of time together lately, though they haven’t been on a date yet. Lila likes John because he’s a serious guy, but sometimes his seriousness freaks her out a little. She’s also pretty sure his breakup with Jennifer Mitchell has left him a little damaged.

Sam and Jessica make out after a date. Surprisingly, Jessica is worried that their kissing might go too far one of these days. Without once saying the word “sex,” Jessica and Liz discuss the difficulty of keeping in control. Liz tries to tell her not to worry, that all couples go through this, but Jessica thinks it’s the biggest problem ever. She decides to make sure she and Sam are never alone together.

John finally asks Lila out. They have dinner at the Box Tree Café, and Lila thinks everything is just beautiful and awesome. She suggests they go for a drive, and they end up at Miller’s Point. They start to make out, and then John turns into the kind of sex monster you usually only see in V. C. Andrews books. He pulls her hair, unbuckles his belt and ignores her requests for him to stop. Lila takes his keys from the ignition and stabs him in the neck. She gets out of the car, throws the keys in the bushes and walks to a gas station, where she calls a cab to come take her home.

The next day, Lila is a wreck. She wants to tell someone what happened, but she’s sure she’ll be laughed at and blamed. After all, she wore a little black dress, she suggested Miller’s Point, she’s the flirt. When Jessica calls to find out how the date went, Lila changes the subject pretty fast. That isn’t like Lila, and Jessica is convinced something is wrong.

Meanwhile, all the girls are having trouble getting their boyfriends to decide on costumes for the ball. Winston wants him and Maria to be Tweedledee and Tweedledum, Sam wants to be motorcycle cops, Hugh wants to go as chickens and Todd wants to go as a horse. While all this is going on, Liz has been getting letters from Arthur Castillo, the Crown Prince of Santa Dora (he’s from a Sweet Valley Twins book). They’ve been pen pals for years, but he’s been writing a lot more lately. Todd finds out and gets jealous. Whatever, back to Lila.

Lila goes to school on Monday wearing a shapeless dress and almost no makeup. Amy and Caroline try to ask her how the date went, but she just tells them it was boring and then runs away from them. Jessica is really worried, but Lila won’t tell her what’s wrong. She gets even more worried when Lila says she’s thinking about canceling the costume ball. Jessica talks to Liz, who thinks it sounds like Lila is depressed. All of Lila’s friends are getting worried about her.

Lila decides not to cancel the party, but she does want to tell John not to come. She finds him alone in the Oracle office and tells him what she thinks of him and that he’s not welcome in her house. He kind of smiles in an insolent way and says, “If that’s the way you want it.” Lila feels a little better until John does show up at the party the next night with a cute little sophomore girl. Lila tells him to leave or she’ll have him thrown out, but John taunts her and asks her what reason she’ll give everyone. Lila tries to ignore him, but he turns to his date and loudly says they should leave. Lila tells the girl not to go with him and ends up screaming at John, “Tell her how you tried to rape me last Saturday night!” John tells everyone that something did happen, but it certainly wasn’t rape. Lila runs upstairs to her room and John leaves.

By the way, Liz and Todd go to the party as the sun and the moon, Sam and Jessica are Han Solo and Princess Leia, Enid and Hugh are the base and receiver of a telephone, and Lila is Peter Pan.

Jessica goes to Lila’s room and knocks on the door for a long time, but Lila won’t come out. The next morning, after trying to call three times, Jessica goes to Lila’s house. Lila finally tells her everything that happened and feels better about things. Jessica goes home to find Sam waiting for her. She realizes she’s lucky to have a boyfriend who respects her and who would never do anything to her like what John did to Lila.

Monday is hell for Lila. The story has spread, and while some people are nicer to her than usual, most of the school seems to believe John’s version of what happened. Tuesday is just as hellish, and Lila nearly panics when John stands in her path as she’s walking to her lunch table. She already feels like everyone is watching her and talking about her, and now she’s worried John is going to speak to her. Suddenly, Liz and Enid are on either side of her, thanking her for the party and loudly saying the only thing wrong with it was the gatecrasher. Jessica talks to Jennifer Mitchell to see if there’s anything she can do to help Lila. Jennifer says the reason she broke up with John is because he was controlling and always had to have everything his way, “but that has nothing to do with this other thing.”

That night, a sophomore named Susan Wyler shows up at Lila’s house. John and Susan went on a date after John and Jennifer broke up but before he asked Lila out. Susan had to fight him off, too. The only thing that saved her was the arrival of another couple at Miller’s Point. She and Lila plan to confront John and hopefully get him into counseling.  On Wednesday morning, Lila puts a note in John’s locker asking him to meet her at the Dairi Burger that night. Then she tells Jessica about Susan Wyler and their plan.

The Dairi Burger is more crowded that night than Susan and Lila would like, and John is sitting with a large group of other guys. Lila sits down next to John and says she wants to talk privately, but John is all cocky and says she can talk in front of his friends. Lila mentions Susan Wyler. John looks worried and says he doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but then Susan Wyler is right there and they both tell him he needs help. One of the other guys at the table says Susan is his little sister’s best friend and Susan is like a part of his family. John says they’re lying, but the other guy says Susan doesn’t lie. The boys start to move away from John like he’s Arlo Guthrie on the Group W bench, and then Jessica, Liz, Sam and Todd gather around Susan and Lila and they all leave the restaurant together.

I have a problem with this book. John Pfeifer has been around since the beginning. He’s always been a nice guy. And I understand that this is the problem Lila has: John is such a nice guy that it’s hard to believe he could do something like this. But it’s just not believable in this context. It would have been one thing if John had just gotten carried away while making out with Lila, but it’s more like he’s turned into this asshole who goes out of his way to try to rape girls. When he’s at Lila’s party telling his date they should leave, he’s doing so in a way that makes it clear he’s going to try to rape her, too. It might have been better if they had created a whole new character. Using John for this story just made it ridiculous and unbelievable.

Setup for the next book: Dana Larson and Aaron Dallas are having relationship troubles. Prince Arthur is coming to Sweet Valley for a visit.

Quotes:

“Sam, could you give me a hand with this [costume]?” she asked. “I need you to pin me up.”

Sam came up from behind and put his arms around her. “I’ll pin you up any time you want,” he said in her ear.

Oh, Sam. My heart’s all aflutter.

[Elizabeth] thought about how he had acted when he was trying to get Jennifer Mitchell to break up with Rick Andover. Even though she had agreed that he was right, she hadn’t approved of his methods. “Strong-arm tactics,” she had thought of them as at the time.

Read this and tell me where John used “strong-arm tactics.”

The Cover: This is a difficult cover to look at. I hate that Lila looks all scared, but I mostly hate John’s evil face and the fact that it looks like it was designed to make you think you can tell a rapist by his ugliness.

26 Comments

Shannon, August 13th 2009 | Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in 1. Original Series

Sweet Valley High #84: The Stolen Diary

SVH084The moral of the story: Don’t go out with eccentric guys who spend all their time drawing. They’re all evil.

The Big Deal: School dance, party at Maria’s

Synopsis:

Todd breaks up with Liz. We know it’s because of this girl named Peggy Abbott who’s been hanging all over him lately, but Liz is under the impression that it’s just a “trial separation” and that Todd isn’t interested in anyone else. Jessica finds out about Peggy and tries to tell Liz, but Liz is in denial.

Meanwhile, Enid is lonely and missing her old boyfriend, Hugh. She and Liz take a drive up to Big Mesa to see if they can find him. They see him in front of a café and have a soda with him. At Liz’s insistence, Enid calls him a few days later and says she lost an earring at the café and wants Hugh to look for it next time he’s there. Interestingly, he finds Enid’s nonexistent lost earring. They make a date to meet up again, but Enid’s mother needs the car. Liz lets her borrow the Fiat, but it’s been acting up lately and it dies. Enid gets stuck and misses her date with Hugh. This is a dumb story line, so I’ll just tell you they get together in the end.

Liz survives her first week without Todd. She’s sure they’ll get back together and that he’ll end up asking her to go with him to the upcoming dance. He runs up to her at lunch one day, saying he needs to talk to her. She’s all ready to accept his invitation to the dance, but he says he’s going with Peggy and didn’t want Liz to hear it from someone else. Liz is upset, but keeps her cool and tells Todd she’s going with someone else, too. There’s this weird senior, Kris Lynch, who’s been following Liz around and he asked her to the dance. She told him she’d have to think about it, but now she’s decided she’ll go with him.

Kris picks Liz up for the dance in a pink Cadillac limo. He comes to the door with candy and flowers. It’s all really nice, but Liz just isn’t into it. She spends the whole night watching Todd and Peggy and hardly pays any attention to Kris. She feels bad, though, and agrees to go to a movie with him the following week. After that, people start thinking they’re a couple, including Kris, who accepts an invitation to a party on Liz’s behalf. Liz realizes she has to break things off and for some reason thinks Maria’s party is the perfect place to do it.

Liz spends most of Maria’s party trying to get Kris alone, but people keep interrupting them. She takes his hand and leads him to Mr. Santelli’s study, but when she opens the door, she sees Todd and Peggy on the couch. She closes the door and turns around. Kris seems to think she’s upset because they can’t find any place to be alone. He starts kissing her right there in front of everyone. Liz tells him she wants to leave, but he misunderstands and, once they’re in the car, suggests Miller’s Point. Liz says she wants to go home. Kris again misunderstands and thinks Liz means that her parents aren’t home and they’ll have the place to themselves. Liz finally says she wants to go home and she doesn’t want to see Kris anymore. Kris loses his shit. He starts driving really fast and yelling really loud, accusing Liz of leading him on. She tells him to stop the car, which he does, surprisingly. She starts to get out, but Kris grabs her arm and starts trying to kiss her. Liz’s purse falls on the floor, and she scoops everything up as quickly as she can and gets out of the car.

Monday morning, Kris gives Liz a white rose and apologizes for being such a dick on Saturday night. Liz forgives him. That afternoon, Todd tells Liz he was breaking up with Peggy in Mr. Santelli’s study. He really wants to be with Liz. Liz couldn’t be happier, and they go for a walk on the beach. When she gets home, Jessica tells her the latest gossip is that Kris and Liz went to Miller’s Point after they left Maria’s party and had a really wild time. Liz laughs it off, saying anybody who knows her would know that isn’t true.

Todd hears the rumors and confronts Kris. Kris says Liz really loves him and that she’s told him all about Todd. He starts listing all the most intimate details about Todd’s relationship with Liz. Todd can’t believe Liz would betray him like that. (By the way, throughout the book, Liz’s journal has gone missing quite a few times.) Kris does the same thing to Enid later. Now Jessica is Liz’s only friend. She asks Enid what her problem is, and Enid tells her Liz betrayed her trust to Kris. Jessica says Liz would never tell Kris anything, she doesn’t even like the guy, but Enid says it’s the only way he could know what he knows. (I refer you to the plot of #2: Secrets.) Jessica talks to Todd, who tells her the same thing, then she decides it’s time to talk to Kris.

When Jessica confronts him, Kris tries to get to her by talking about things like Jessica joining a cult. Jessica is unimpressed and tells him she’s going to figure out how he knows all these things. That night, she realizes Kris must have read Liz’s journal. She goes to his house the next day after school and tells him she knows everything. He breaks down and confesses to reading the journal. He’s really sorry and wishes he could do something to fix things. Jessica says there is, then takes him to the Dairi Burger to meet Todd and Enid. He tells them everything, and they feel appropriately ashamed for bailing on Liz. Everyone apologizes to her and everything goes back to normal.

Quotes:

“I’m sorry,” [Lila] said, “but I just can’t believe this. Kris Lynch is eccentric. Everybody knows that. He’s always drawing in his sketchbook and he’s never played any sports. The only normal thing about him is that his father belongs to the country club.”

I love the black and white world Lila lives in.

Now that the worst was over, [Jessica] was feeling a little annoyed with Todd and Enid.

Me, too. Except I’m always annoyed with them.

The Cover: I guess that’s Jessica, but at no point does Jessica ever read Liz’s journal, except for catching a glimpse of one line when Liz fell asleep with it open in front of her. Anyway, I don’t get what kind of shirt Jessica is wearing. Or the dead-doll look in her eyes.

14 Comments

Shannon, July 30th 2009 | Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in 1. Original Series

Sweet Valley High #45: Family Secrets

The moral of the story: Alice Wakefield’s sister is almost as bad a mother as she is.

The Big Deal: Costume party at the country club.

Synopsis:

The twins’ cousin Kelly is an only child who doesn’t like the fact that her mother is getting remarried. There’s been a lot of tension between her and her mother, so she’s coming to stay with the Wakefields for a couple months until things calm down. I don’t know how living with the Wakefields is supposed to help Kelly get along with her mother, but what do I know? Kelly enrolls at Sweet Valley High and she looks so much like the twins that they decide to dress alike for her first day. Everyone is just floored by the concept of three Wakefield clones. Liz takes Kelly to the newspaper office where Penny asks her if she wants to write a story about coming back to Sweet Valley, but Kelly can’t remember anything about her life before leaving town when she was eight.

So here’s the scoop on Kelly: her father was apparently a big piece of crap and treated Kelly’s mom, Laura, like dirt, so one night Laura took Kelly and left town with her. She didn’t think Kelly should grow up hating her father so she never told her anything bad about him. This has resulted in Kelly idolizing her father and hating her mother for taking her away from him. It seems she also has nightmares that she never remembers anything about. Everyone in the family knows her dad was a jackass, even the twins, but Ned and Alice have asked them not to say anything. Alice just thinks it’s wrong and that Kelly should know the truth about her father, but she’s respecting her sister’s wishes. Anyway…

Kelly and the twins meet Nicholas Morrow at the Dairi Burger, and after listening to Kelly talk about her dad for a while, he invites her to a costume party at the country club. The twins are going too and the three of them start coming up with ideas for a “triplet” costume. A couple days later, Kelly meets Kirk Anderson, that jerk who played that trick on Penny a while back. Kirk is a total asshole, but for some reason Kelly’s all into him and goes out with him. Then she decides to go to the costume party with him instead of Nicholas.

Kelly’s mom calls one night, but Kelly refuses to talk to her. She’s decided she’s going to live with her father just as soon as he gets back from Europe. The next day at lunch, she goes on and on about how wonderful her father is because he lets her do whatever she wants, and then goes on for a while about how much her mom sucks because she does horrible stuff like ask here where she’s going when she goes out. Jessica is not impressed. When the girls get home, there’s a letter waiting for Kelly from her father promising he’ll be in town for her birthday. Kirk asks her to the Beach Disco that night. He’s a half hour late picking her up and once they’re there, he leaves her alone while he goes to talk to some other chick. But Kelly thinks he’s terrific. Then he stands her up to hang with his ex-girlfriend Marci, giving Kelly lame excuses about Marci having a rough time with her parents and needing a shoulder to cry on. Kelly still thinks he’s just terrific. Liz thinks he’s a douchebag. On Kelly’s birthday, her dad is an hour and a half late and then he only stays for a few minutes before leaving again. But Kelly still thinks he’s just swell. I’m sensing a pattern here.

The twins and Kelly go to the costume party as the No-Evil monkeys. Lila is Princess Di, Jeffrey is a wino, Enid is a hippie and Winston is a bunch of grapes. I totally stole Winston’s costume for Halloween when I was in fifth grade and had purple balloons attached to me all night. Sandra Bacon wins the award for Most Authentic. She’s wearing a Mexican dress, so I guess she went as a Mexican? I don’t get it. Kelly and the twins are a big hit. Kirk shows up as a sexy pirate and he and Kelly leave to have a party of their own.

They go up to Miller’s Point and Kirk starts getting fresh. Kelly wants him to stop but he keeps trying to grab her boobs or something. She kicks him in the shin and he gets pissed and throws an empty beer bottle. Kelly freaks out at the sound of it breaking and runs away. Kirk tries to get her back in the car to take her home, but she’s freaking out too much and tells him to leave, so he does. Suddenly, Kelly remembers her nightmares. In them, she’s eight years old and her father is violently throwing dishes around the kitchen. Kelly realizes the nightmare is a memory. Jean West and Tom McKay find her by the side of the road and take her home. Kelly tells Liz everything she remembers, and Liz tells Jessica and her parents when they get home. Alice decides to call Kelly’s mom and get her to explain everything to Kelly. Laura hops on the first plane from Tuscon and comes straight to the Wakefields’ house. Kelly decides to go home with her mom.

Quotes:

“I can’t believe it! I just can’t be-lieve it,” [Caroline] gushed, her green eyes darting from Jessica to Kelly to Elizabeth. “This is just incredible. You look so—I mean, sure, you can tell the difference, but still! And you’re all dressed the same, too! I can’t believe this,” she repeated.

Jesus Christ, Caroline, go hose yourself off and get a grip.

And their aunt’s plan was for Kelly to grow used to the idea of her new marriage, not to turn her back on it!

Again, I ask how being shipped off to the Wakefields’ house is supposed to help Kelly come to terms with her mother’s marriage.

The Cover: How creepy. She looks just like them. She’s the only one with halfway decent hair, though.

9 Comments

Shannon, May 18th 2009 | Tags: , ,
Posted in 1. Original Series

Sweet Valley High #11: Too Good to be True

The moral of the story: If you send your kids to boarding school, they’ll grow up to be the devil.

The Big Deal: Party at Lila’s and another at the lake

Best outfit: Liz – her favorite velvet skirt and a high-necked lace Victorian blouse

Synopsis: Suzanne Devlin is the daughter of a friend of Ned’s who lives in New York. She’s coming to Sweet Valley over spring break and the Wakefields will send one twin to New York in her place. Elizabeth wins the coin toss, but Jessica talks her out of going by making her think Todd will cheat on her while she’s gone.

Suzanne arrives and dazzles everyone with her beauty and charm. She’s so gorgeous she even makes Liz self-conscious about her own “lovely size six figure.” Liz takes her to the school picnic at the lake and the boys all fall in love with her. Then Suzanne pretends to be drowning so Mr. Collins, he of the crinkly blue eyes, can save her.

A few days later, Suzanne steals Liz’s necklace. Then she offers to drop something off with Mr. Collins and flirts with him unsuccessfully while she’s there. Then Todd shows up with Lakers tickets and Suzanne offers to take over Liz’s job babysitting for Teddy that night so Liz can go to the game.

Now, if I’m Mr. Collins and this slutty high school chick I already don’t trust shows up unexpectedly to watch my kid, I’m staying home. But, “it’ll have to do.” As soon as he’s gone, Suzanne ignores the kid, goes through Mr. Collins’s stuff and takes a bath in his tub. Creepy. When he comes home she tries to seduce him, but he rejects her. Burn! She storms out in a huff and walks home, purposely ripping her shirt on the way. When she gets back to the Wakefields’ house she tells Liz that Mr. Collins attacked her. And Liz believes her. It’s the scandal of the century.

Then, just before Todd picks her up for the big party at Lila’s house, Liz finds her necklace in Suzanne’s suitcase. Now, you mustn’t think she was snooping! Elizabeth Wakefield would never, ever do something like that. She was just trying to make some room for the gift she’d bought for Suzanne. Ugh. Confused about the necklace and worried Suzanne might have lied about other things, Liz has Todd swing by Mr. Collins’ house on the way to the party. She finds out Suzanne lied and vows that she won’t get away with it.

At the party, she confronts Suzanne, who confesses to everything. Before Elizabeth can do anything about it, Suzanne starts telling everyone Liz is acting weird, like that time after the motorcycle accident. Well played, Suzy. Ruin her credibility before she even has a chance, you devious minx. Enid comes to Liz in tears and tells her what everyone is saying, so Liz marches up to Suzanne, right there in front of everyone, and tells her to stop spreading lies. Winston, who had heard Suzanne’s confession earlier, spills a well-timed drink on the evil bitch’s white dress. Suzy loses her cool and turns into a monster, screaming and crying. I picture everyone backing away from her with horrified expressions on their faces. So Mr. Collins gets his job back and everything is terrific again.

Oh, and in New York, Jessica almost gets raped by Suzanne’s boyfriend. No big deal.

Quotes:

“Ned, didn’t you say she’s gone to boarding schools most of her life?” She sighed. “I suppose there’s nothing wrong with it, but I don’t see how I ever could have sent you kids away like that. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but I think children belong at home until they’re ready for college.”

Thanks, Alice. I will sure take that into consideration, considering how well your kids turned out. I mean, you have Goofus and Gallant for daughters and a son who comes home from college every weekend to hang out with high school kids. You’ve done an amazing job.

Steven: “If you turned sideways and stuck your tongue out, you could probably pass for a zipper.”

Liz: “Don’t I wish!”

Ugh.

Jessica and the number 137

“I’ll probably never set foot out of this dumb town for the next hundred and thirty-seven years!” p. 6

“The Devlins – well, it would take me a hundred and thirty-seven years to describe them.” p. 69

The Cover: Doesn’t Suzanne just look like a snobby bitch? I kind of just want to punch her in the throat. She reminds me of someone, but I can’t put my finger on it. And I love the snarky look on Liz’s face. Oh, and can Liz please, please do something else with her hair? The whole pulled-back-with-barrettes thing is so old.

12 Comments

Shannon, March 20th 2009 | Tags: , , , ,
Posted in 1. Original Series

Sweet Valley High #7: Dear Sister

The moral of the story: It’s okay to act like a total bitch as long as you have a medical condition from which you’ll recover one day and not remember any of your bitchiness. All will be forgiven.

The Big Deal: “Welcome home” party at the Wakefields’ and a “pickup party” at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Most of the first chapter (part of which is for some reason told from Liz’s perspective, even though she’s in a coma) consists of Jessica blabbering to a comatose Liz about how guilty she feels about what happened, blah, blah, blah. Then Liz wakes up and has turned into Jessica. Jess is fine with that until Liz returns to school and everyone thinks she’s Jessica.

Then out of nowhere, Ned mentions that the Percys are going to Europe and their children will be staying with the Wakefields. First of all, who the frak are the Percys? And why do they have twin girls? The twins are brunettes, so they’re described as fragile and bratty. Anyway, Liz goes out on a date and sticks Jessica with the kids.

All this time poor Todd is having trouble adjusting to his girlfriend being the town whore. It all comes to a head at a disastrous basketball game. As we all know, losing a game is the absolute worst thing that can ever happen in Sweet Valley. It’s like that scene in Pleasantville in which all the basketballs miss the net. Worst. Thing. Ever. This prompts the basketball coach to have a talk with Todd about how if Liz is acting different then something must be wrong.

Because Ned and Alice are the worst parents in the world, Jessica gets stuck taking the Percy twins to some flute audition, which causes her to miss a date. Then, because she’s frustrated, she has a fender bender in the Fiat. When Ned and Alice find out, the Percy twins lie for Jessica and keep her out of trouble so all’s good in the hood on that front.

Lila has a “pickup party,” which seems to be code for “be a slut and see who you end up with.” Liz leaves with Bruce, who is well on his way to date raping her when Todd shows up and punches him. The next weekend, Liz goes out with Bruce again while Jessica pretends to be Liz to go on a date with Bill Chase (Liz has double booked her Saturday night).

At the Patmans’ beach house, Liz and Bruce are about to get down when Liz falls and hits her head. She suddenly has no memory of anything since the hospital and doesn’t know why she’s with Bruce. Bruce, troubled young man that he is, threatens to rape her if she doesn’t give it up willingly. Liz runs out of the house and into the arms of Todd Wilkins, who just so happens to be right there. Everything is wonderful again.

Quotes:

“She’ll probably have all the work made up and a dozen stories written for The Oracle before I finish that one stupid book report on Moby Dick. I mean, Todd, who really cares about whales?”

Todd did, but he let the comment slide by.

I don’t know why, but this really cracked me up.

As soon as the Percy twins were settled in Steven’s room, Ned and Alice Wakefield left for a game of bridge.

There is so much wrong with this sentence. First, Ned and Alice drop this bombshell that these bratty twins are coming to stay for a few weeks, then as soon as they’re there, they leave? Second, we know their last name is Wakefield, you don’t have to mention it all the time. And last, bridge? A game of bridge? Really?

“Elizabeth, I hope you know that I’m a friend, not only a teacher and an adviser. And friends don’t dish out a lot of applesauce to each other.”

Oh, Mr. Collins. What does that mean? He says it twice in this book. It must be some ’80′s slang that I don’t know anything about.

“But I saw you two on the beach together. If you were with Bruce, who’s with Bill?”

Hmm, I don’t know, Todd. Let’s think about that one. *facepalm*

Jessica and the Number 137:

“I’m just wondering if Todd’s seen you in that nightgown. I bet it’d raise his temperature about a hundred and thirty-seven degrees!”

Why, she’s doing at least a hundred and thirty-seven things I usually do, Jessica raged inwardly.

“Who told you that?”

“You did, a hundred and thirty-seven times.”

The Cover: The cover and the synopsis on the back both want you to think the whole book is about waiting for Liz to wake up from her coma. She wakes up on page 12.

13 Comments

Shannon, March 12th 2009 | Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in 1. Original Series

Sweet Valley High #5: All Night Long

The moral of the story: It’s okay to stay out all night with a boy as long as you convince someone to cover for you.

The Big Deal: A party after the surfing contest.

Best Outfit: Dana Larson – oversized t-shirt over a red striped miniskirt, purple tights, black suede ankle boots

Synopsis: Jessica goes to a party at the lake with some guy named Scott and his college friends. He gets drunk and tries to get Jessica to sleep with him, but she fights him off and he gives up. They argue and he won’t give her his car keys. Then he falls asleep. So my question is, why doesn’t she take his keys while he’s sleeping? Instead, she curls up on the floor and goes to sleep herself.

Elizabeth goes to school the next day and pretends to be Jessica to keep her out of trouble. Everyone tells her she shouldn’t be such a doormat, but she’s “fiercely loyal to her twin” and won’t hear a word against her. Liz and Todd have a fight and break up.

Then, get this, Jessica gets mad that Liz failed a test she’d taken for Jessica. What a bitch. Then Liz and Todd make up, so that’s all good. And then Jessica finds out she can retake the test so she’s not mad at Liz anymore. Bill Chase wins the surfing competition and all is right with the world.

I don’t know what purpose the surfing competition serves in this book.

Quotes:

The problem was that no matter how much Elizabeth protested, Jessica knew her sister would always end up helping her out. And she unhesitatingly took advantage of that whenever she thought she could.

So, hey, here’s a thought: Stop helping her out!

The Cover: Holy mustache, Batman! This guy looks about thirty and Jessica looks like a crackwhore.

12 Comments

Shannon, February 24th 2009 | Tags: , , ,
Posted in 1. Original Series



Theme Tweaker by Unreal
Better Tag Cloud