Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: You have to be talented if you’re poor. Otherwise nobody will like you.

The Big Deal: Party at the Wakefields’

Synopsis:

Jessica is disgusted by Liz’s behavior. Know why? No, she’s not trying to get the color purple outlawed or anything like that. It’s because she’s hanging out with Sophia Rizzo. Sophia is POOR! Her brother is a CRIMINAL! Their mother is DISABLED! Liz being friends with her is the worst thing that’s ever happened to Jessica.

Ned Wakefield has a client who has a daughter the twins’ age, and this client has invited one of the twins to L. A. to hang out with the daughter. Liz automatically offers to stay home and let Jessica go, but Ned insists the girls draw straws. Jessica loses. This, too, is the worst thing that’s ever happened to Jessica.

Sweet Valley Middle School is going to put on a play, and the two best English students from each grade are chosen to write it. Sophia and Liz are the sixth grade representatives, and Jessica can’t stand that Liz is going to be working with Sophia. Because, remember, she’s POOR! Even brother Steven warns Liz not to get too close to the Rizzos. He knows Sophia’s brother, Tony, is a CRIMINAL who went to REFORM SCHOOL. Sophia comes over to work on the play one night. Lila happens to be there, and Jessica tells her Sophia’s there to pick up a box of old clothes. She says this, of course, right in front of Sophia.

Liz is worried at the first play committee meeting because the two seventh grade reps are Mary Robinson and Peter Jeffries, a Unicorn and a friend of Bruce Patman’s. Liz is sure Sophia is going to have a rough time, but it all turns out surprisingly well. The other kids like Sophia’s ideas and she’s chosen as the head writer of the play. Liz is feeling good about things until she gets home and sees Steven’s black eye. Tony Rizzo punched him in the face, so now Steve and Jessica are pissed at Liz. Weird Wakefield logic, don’t ask.

When the Wakefield parents see Steve’s black eye, they tell Liz she can’t hang out with Sophia outside of school anymore. That really sucks because Liz just told Sophia she’d throw her a birthday party at the Wakefield house next month. See, Sophia’s never had a birthday party, on account of her being so POOR. Things are even worse when Liz finds out her trip to L. A. is on Sophia’s birthday. She begs her parents to let Jessica go instead, but they say that just wouldn’t be fair. Okay, the Wakefield parents are being ridiculous this week.

Steven suggests the twins switch places so Jessica can go to L. A. Ned and Alice are going to be at an all day beach party that Saturday, so Liz figures she can throw Sophia a little party while everyone is gone. Jessica loves the idea of switching places, of course, and thinks Liz is the best sister ever, but then in the same conversation she gets all pissy about Sophia writing the damn school play. She says she won’t be auditioning and neither will any of the other Unicorns because nobody wants to be involved with Sophia in any way.

Sophia collides with Jessica and Lila in the hallway at school and papers go flying everywhere. Before Sophia can pick them up, Lila snatches a page and starts dramatically reading a scene from the play. All the kids who have suddenly gathered around start laughing and Sophia runs away. Liz runs after her and Sophia tells her how much her life sucks. When she asks Liz to come home with her, Liz can’t help but say yes. She starts spending time at Sophia’s every night to work on the play, but she feels totally guilty about it. I don’t know why she doesn’t just tell her parents she and Sophia have to work on school stuff together.

Almost nobody will try out for the play at first, but after a few roles are cast and scenes are performed in English classes, people start to come around. Eventually, Jessica is the only holdout, but Liz tells her she won’t let her go to L. A. in her place unless Jessica at least goes to watch the play.

Opening night is a roaring success, and the last scene moves everyone to tears. After the actors take their bows, someone in the audience starts chanting, “Author! Author! Author!” Does that really happen? Sophia takes another bow, and on the way home, Jessica and Steven admit they were wrong about Sophia. Even the Wakefield parents concede that she’s talented. How nice of them.

Jessica goes off to L. A. the next day, Ned and Alice leave for their party, and Steven has some kind of basketball thing he has to go to. As soon as Liz is alone, she calls Amy and Julie to come over and set up for Sophia’s party. Pretty much the whole school – including Lila and Bruce – show up since Sophia’s a famous playwright now, but Ned and Alice come home early, before Sophia gets there. Oh, no! But wait, it’s all good. Liz had good intentions, so she’s off the hook. Ned even drives to the Rizzos’ house to pick up Sophia’s mother and bring her back to the party. While there, he gives Tony the number of a psychologist who might be able to help him out. Then Alice offers Mrs. Rizzo a position designing afghans for her interior design firm. Sophia has the best birthday ever and the world explodes in a sugary ball of cheese.

Quotes:

She was small and dark like her daughter, and, like Sophia, her clothes were faded from age and countless washings.

Sophia is faded from age and countless washings? (Cheap shot, I know, but misplaced modifiers crack me up.)

As her path took her back into her own familiar neighborhood, filled with spacious homes on carefully manicured lawns, Elizabeth wished that more people shared Sophia’s talent for understanding others. But, as Jessica came bounding out of the Wakefields’ front door, Elizabeth wondered if the happy, pampered kids of Sweet Valley would ever be able to put themselves in Sophia’s place.

Oh, not like you, Elizabeth! You’re the only kid in the whole world who can look past your carefully manicured lawn and reach out to the hopeless po’ folks.

The Cover: Liz looks like she’ll pull a muscle if she gets any friendlier. Amy looks like she just woke up. And actually, if I had to guess which kid on this cover is the poor one, I’d guess Amy. She looks like crap. At least Sophia’s shirt fits her.

The Moral of the Story: All it takes to make everyone get along is a party!

The Big Deal: Big dance, big football game, big party

Synopsis:

The book opens with a dance at which the popular students finally seem to realize that there are other kids at Sweet Valley High. A big fight breaks out over what kind of music the DJ should play. The jocks want to hear the Beach Boys so they can dance to it, Justin Belson and the burnouts want some heavy metal, Keith Wagner and the hippies want something with meaningful lyrics and Dana wants some punk. The arguments escalate until finally Tad “Blubber” Johnson punches Justin in the stomach. And this is why the Droids should always perform at school dances.

Mr. Collins says the dance is officially over, so everyone leaves. The jocks end up at Ken’s house, where Jessica has to defend her sister, who dragged Todd off to the Dairi Burger. Olivia goes home and feels sorry for herself because she’s so weird that she doesn’t even know which group she fits into. She gets online and goes to her favorite chatroom, Virtual Hangout. She feels so much more confident under her screen name, Freeverse, because she can just be herself and nobody cares how she dresses. You know, Olivia, your clothes seem to cause you an awful lot of stress. Maybe you should, you know, stop dressing that way. Olivia meets a guy whose screen name is Quarter and they start flirting. Olivia has no idea the Quarter is really Ken, who’s been feeling all sad and lonely since he broke up with Jessica.

Things at school aren’t going very well. Somebody puts a copy of Blubber’s D quality homework on a bulletin board, so the jocks get their revenge by spraypainting “Die, wimps, hippies, punks, and brains,” on the cafeteria wall. Then the hippies put little cards that say “Make Love – Not Football” in everyone’s lockers. It’s all very stupid. Then there’s a big football game. When Blubber goes out on the field, Nicky Shepard (I guess he’s back from San Francisco) starts booing him and calling him stupid. Blubber runs right into the stands and beats the crap out of him. Sweet Valley forfeits the game. Todd and the twins go to Casey’s afterward and Liz gets all bitchy and self-righteous when Jessica and Todd agree that Nicky got what he deserved for being an ass. She accuses them of sticking together just because they’re both jocks. Ken and Olivia each go home to their respective computers after the game, and I’m subjected to like ten pages of their crappy conversation. All you need to know is that they’re falling in e-love. They even have a cyber kiss that was a little uncomfortable to read about.

Freeverse and Quarter think it’s time to meet in person. For some reason, each thinks the other goes to El Carro High, so they decide on an ice cream shop in El Carro. Ken and Olivia get to the place and wave at each other, then they’re both upset when their dates stand them up. Even though Freeverse and Quarter have both explained to each other in detail what they look like, Ken and Olivia don’t get it. They wait a while, and then they each go home and get on their computers. They finally figure it out, and Olivia is pissed that Ken never mentioned online that he played football. For some reason, this matters very much to her and she doesn’t want to talk to him anymore.

Jessica has been stringing along two football players, Danny Porter and Bryce Fisherman. She gets them to agree to a joint date because neither guy wants to leave the other alone with Jessica. The three of them decide to go over to Blubber’s house to see how he’s doing. Blubber is in big trouble. His grades have been going down the tubes, and now with all the violence he’s exhibiting, he’s been suspended from school and the football team. When Jessica, Bryce and Danny get to his house, an ambulance is wheeling him out on a stretcher. He tried to kill himself because of all this crap that’s been going on. Oh, and his parents are splitting up.

The clique war kind of takes a break for a few days while everyone digests what happened to Blubber, but Liz and Olivia are sure it’s only temporary. They decide the best way to fix everything is to have a Walk in Each Other’s Shoes party in the school gym. Everyone has to borrow clothes from someone they wouldn’t normally associate with and wear them to the party. Of course, it’s a huge success. Lila dresses in somebody’s grungy clothes and dances with Justin Belson, who is wearing one of Bruce’s tuxedos. Bruce has borrowed someone’s pocket protector and polyester pants. Keith dresses in Todd’s clothes and wins the heart of Jessica, who is dressed as Dana. Liz wears Lila’s clothes, Todd dresses as Nicky Shepard and Mr. Collins borrows Todd’s basketball uniform, all the better to confuse Liz, I imagine. Oh, Liz and Todd make up, of course.

Olivia wears Claire’s football uniform and Ken comes dressed as a hippie. Ken apologizes for not being totally honest and Olivia apologizes for being so judgmental. They dance together and, I don’t know, I guess they’re a couple now.

Quotes:

“Hi, all!” Olivia typed. “Anyone ever feel all alone in a room full of people? : (“ She ended with an emoticon, a frowning face that could be read sideways, and then hit enter to send the message.

Yes, I got to learn all about emoticons and LOL and chatrooms and flaming.

Claire had been dating the powerful linebacker since a few weeks after he’d transferred to Sweet Valley High – since just after Jessica refused to go steady with Michael [Lewis].

Oh, I guess this actually happened.

“This is so bizarre,” Enid said. “Everyone usually gets along just fine.”

I know, Enid. It’s much easier for everyone to get along when we can pretend half the students don’t actually exist.

“When [Liz and Todd] are mad at each other, the whole school feels it.”

Ugh. Why?

“And then you kiss me back, Freeverse, long and hard. And nothing has ever rocked me the way your kiss does.”

Ew.

The Cover: I hate this cover. This chick looks like she’s thirty years old and I just don’t see Olivia wearing that. And then on the inside we’ve got some denim tuxedoed guy making her laugh for some reason. Blah.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: If you have a sad enough story, you’re allowed to be a criminal and escape punishment.

The Big Deal: We’re still in France.

Synopsis:

The royal children come down to the dungeon, tie up the guard and unlock the door so the twins can escape. Jessica thinks they should stick around because running away will make them look guilty, but Liz says that without Jacques, they have no proof of their innocence. They take off for town in search of Jacques, but they turn around when Liz realizes she just has to see Laurent one more time. The children meet them outside the castle and one of them goes to get Laurent. He and Liz have a passionate embrace or two and then the horrible countess comes outside and starts yelling at the twins. Jessica tears Liz out of Laurent’s arms and they go running into the woods. After a while, Liz twists her ankle. Jessica builds a shelter out of tree branches and the twins go to sleep.

Later that night, Jacques gets the feeling that Jessica is in trouble. He really loves her, so he steals a horse and goes riding around trying to find her. He runs into Laurent, who is also out searching for the twins. Jacques offers to help, but he doesn’t want Laurent around if he finds the twins, so he sends him back to the castle, saying he’ll contact him in three hours. Laurent talks to his parents, who tell him they can get the countess not to prosecute the twins if Laurent promises to marry Antonia. Laurent agrees. Jacques finds the twins looking for him in town. They yell and scream at him at first, but then he tells him his whole sad story about how his mother died. Jessica cries and gives him a big hug and even Liz feels bad for him. They ask if he has the diamond necklace and he says he has to go get it from his father and he’ll be right back. He comes back with a note from his father that says he took the necklace. Jacques decides to sacrifice himself for Jessica, so he goes back to the castle with them. They get there just as Laurent is announcing his betrothal to Antonia. Jacques goes to the podium and tells everyone he’s the one who really stole the countess’s jewels. The guards take him away and throw him in the dungeon. Jessica tries to break him out, but fails epically.

Laurent decides he absolutely will not marry Antonia. The countess is pissed. She goes to Liz and tells her there will be an “international incident” if Laurent and Antonia don’t hook up, and that will only happen if Liz gets out of Dodge. Liz freaks out, and without even sparing a thought for Jessica, she packs her bags and takes off for the train station. One of the kids, Pierre, overhears all of this and he goes to tell Laurent. Laurent gets on his trusty steed and gallops away. He gets to the train just as it starts moving, so he’s able to be all dashing and jump onto the train and order the driver to stop. He sweeps Liz off her feet and asks her to marry him. She’s a little overwhelmed at this point and can only stutter, so he tells her to give him an answer later. For now, he’ll just go ahead and take her back to the castle.

That night, Laurent wakes up to find a stranger in his room. The man introduces himself as Jacques’ father. He tells Laurent the same sad story Jacques told the twins: his seamstress wife died because her rich customers wouldn’t help pay for her medicines, so he’s been stealing from rich people ever since. Laurent is just as touched by this story as the twins were, and he gives Louis some money and tells him how to break Jacques out of the dungeon. Seriously? I mean, yeah, that’s a sad story, but dude. The guy’s an international jewel thief.

So, in the end, Jacques and his father go free, Liz tells Laurent she can’t marry him, and then she goes home and makes out with Todd. Dammit, I hoped they were really broken up this time.

Quotes:

“Come on,” Elizabeth grumbled. “Let’s find Jacques and get this thing straightened out so I can take a bath and change clothes. I feel totally grungy.”

You’ve escaped from a dungeon and you’re now hiding in the woods. Is your hygiene really the most important issue here?

“You must swear on your sister’s life, Jessica,” he insisted.

He’s so sexy when he’s intense like this, Jessica thought, her heart thumping.

Yeah, my sister’s mortality always whips me into a frenzy.

The Cover: Whenever I look at this cover, all I can think of is These Happy Golden Years by Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: If you’re an American in France, you’ll get locked in a dungeon.

The Big Deal: A royal ball

Synopsis:

Jessica is happy that Jacques has come to see her and she can’t wait to let the duke of Norveaux parade her around as his girlfriend. She seems to have forgotten that the housekeeper told her that Norveaux doesn’t actually exist. Jacques dashes her hopes when he says he can’t be seen in the castle. He makes up some story about a feud between his family and the de Saint-Maries. Jessica buys it. Jacques continues to sneak over to the castle on a daily basis, and every day he tries to get into Jessica’s room. Jessica leaves for a minute and when she comes back, she finds Jacques rummaging around her pile of dirty clothes. He tells her he’s folding her clothes to show her he’s a modern man. Jessica buys it. Another time, he asks Jessica to give her back the “fake” emerald he gave her on the train. He says she deserves a real gem and he can’t bear the thought of her wearing a fake. Jessica buys it, but keeps the emerald. Another time, he starts choking and coughing and begging for water. Jessica buys it and leaves to get him a glass of water. As soon as she closes the door, Jacques stops coughing. She peeks into the room and sees him pocketing her jewelry case. They wrestle for it and Jacques even gives her a pearl bracelet to replace the emerald, but Jessica insists on keeping it. She doesn’t know that Jacques and his father are thieves who promised the emerald to a client. When Jacques tells her she only wants to keep it because she’s ignorant, it finally pisses Jessica off enough that she tells him she never wants to see him again.

Liz is having the time of her life with Prince Laurent. Then one day, Laurent’s parents tell him he needs to announce his decision to marry Antonia, the horrible countess’s daughter. Laurent wants nothing to do with her and tells his parents he’s in love with the au pair. They are, of course, scandalized. Laurent doesn’t contact Liz for a whole day and Liz gets freaked out. She goes out to the cottage to see him, but he’s all cold and distant. She storms off in a huff. Laurent comes to see her the next night and tells her he loves her. They make out.

A diamond necklace goes missing from Antonia’s room and the countess is sure one of the servants took it. The twins convince themselves the countess stole it herself for the insurance money. They go searching in countess’s suite, but find nothing. That’s because Jacques took the necklace and gave it to his father to sell.

Liz overhears some servants talking about Prince Laurent announcing his engagement at the upcoming ball. Because the world revolves around her, she misunderstands their meaning and assumes Prince Laurent is going to announce his marriage to her. She immediately runs upstairs to her room so she can write in her journal. She works herself into a frenzy before deciding she should just go to Laurent’s cottage and talk to him. When she gets there, she finds Laurent in the garden, holding hands with Antonia and having a chat with the countess. Liz goes off on him for not having told her about his engagement. She runs back to the castle and sobs in Jessica’s arms.

The twins get to go to the ball that night because they will be performing a tableau with the children. Jessica decides to wear the damned emerald to the ball. When the countess sees it, she freaks out. After the tableau, the twins go to their rooms to change into their ball gowns. The countess brings a couple guards up to the servant quarters and has them throw the twins in the dungeon. Jessica finally realizes Jacques is a thief.

Quotes:

“Maybe I should wear more makeup,” [Elizabeth] whispered, turning her head from side to side to study the various angles of her face. “How would I look with a more dramatic style, like Jessica’s?”

You’d probably look like Jessica.

“This bracelet is totally awesome.”

I think it’s at this point in time that the ghostwriters discovered the word “awesome.” It seems to appear at least once in every chapter of this book.

I might be left in this medieval dungeon to die…because of Jacques Landeau!

Yeah, Jessica seems to be under the impression that she’s locked in this dungeon and nobody will ever find her.

The Cover: Blond twins shackled to each other in a dungeon. Giggity. (Ew, I just grossed myself out.)

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Everything is Elizabeth’s fault.

The Big Deal: Rumble at Bruce’s house, surfing competition

Synopsis:

Well, the cops have come and arrested Bruce and Todd for their jackassery and Liz is feeling a little guilty. Lila has spread out her Persian rug on the hood of her car, and she and Amy are hanging out watching the excitement. They tell Liz they saw Jessica get into a blue VW bus and leave. Liz, Enid and Maria take Winston to the hospital, where a bunch of other SVH guys treat him like a hero and make the girls sick. Then Liz goes home and stays up All Night Long waiting for Jessica to come home from her date with Christian. I guess Jessica staying out all night is no longer something to name a book after. Jessica tells Liz she’s been seeing Christian, and Liz freaks out about Jessica going out with a gang leader. And here I thought he was just a high school bully. Now he’s a gang leader. Please.

At school on Monday, Todd won’t talk to Liz and Ken goes ahead and confirms that he and Jessica are no longer a couple. I guess we’re supposed to feel sorry for the twins. Then at lunch, the boys and the girls have some words. Liz gets up and announces that the girls won’t have anything to do with the guys until the stupid war is over. All the girls go along with it and the boys are dismayed. They think it sucks that the girls just can’t understand what it’s like to be a man. Bruce says something really mean to Jessica and she goes outside to cry. Then Christian comes along like a knight in a shining VW bus and they go off to surf their cares away.

Liz, Enid and Olivia go to Palisades High to talk to Caitlin and Marla. Some big, butch gang member’s girlfriend named Rosie Shaw (a.k.a. Jessica’s opponent in the upcoming surfing competition) comes up to Liz and says she wants to talk in private. Rosie charms the pants off Liz (figuratively speaking) and tells her she’s going to try to come up with a dynamite plan to end the war. Liz immediately trusts this girl that even her friends seem to dislike, and for some horrible reason tells Rosie about Jessica and Christian. Rosie calls Liz that night and tells her to meet her the next day at a crappy diner near Palisades High. She’s come up with a plan that is simply too diabolical to be uttered over the phone.

Liz skips her afternoon classes the next day and drives to the Silverhead Diner, where Rosie lays it all out: Liz needs to find out where the SVH guys will be hanging out that night, then Rosie and Liz will go to each group of guys, one at a time, and tell them each that the other side wants to surrender. Liz is in complete awe of this plan and later sweet talks Todd into telling her the guys will be hanging out in Bruce’s basement. She calls Rosie and has absolutely no suspicions when Rosie wants detailed directions to Bruce’s house and asks whether or not the Patmans have guard dogs or anything. Rosie tells Liz to meet her at the Silverhead Diner at nine o’clock and they’ll go from there. To absolutely nobody’s surprise (except Liz’s), Rosie doesn’t show up. Liz finally figures out Rosie has set up a trap. She calls Jessica to warn her and apologize for trusting Rosie and telling her about Christian. She and Enid pick up Jessica and head over to Bruce’s house.

Todd is at Bruce’s trying to persuade the guys to end the war when someone starts yelling outside. They all run out and find Rosie Shaw. She tells Todd how stupid his girlfriend is. Then the Palisades guys, their faces painted in “grotesque designs,” start running around Bruce’s yard. Then everyone gets all quiet and Todd is terrified to see one of the Palisades guys has brass knuckles.

The guys trade insults for a while, and then Christian comes driving up in his awesome VW bus. He wants to know which one of his former friends left him the note that said to go to Bruce’s house or “kiss the cheerleader goodbye.” The girls show up just as the fighting starts. Christian falls and cracks his head on the ground and then falls into the pool.

Sweet Valley turns into Melodrama City. Jessica dives into the pool and brings Christian up. She and Liz administer CPR while Enid calls 911. The ambulance comes and takes Christian away. Suddenly, everyone is friends. Todd holds Liz’s hand while PH guys pile into SVH guys’ cars and everyone rushes off to the hospital. After a while, a doctor comes out and says Christian has died. Jessica sinks to the floor screaming, “No!” Rosie Shaw weeps on Winston’s shoulder. Aaron Dallas and some Palisades guy named Doug console each other. Nothing like a dead teenager to bring folks together.

Christian’s mother comes over after a couple weeks and gives Jessica Christian’s surfboard. Jessica uses it to win the freaking surf competition.

Quotes:

Elizabeth had known Bruce since childhood. He did have a hot temper and a reckless side, but it shocked her to see him treated like a dangerous criminal.

He is a dangerous criminal. But Liz, I’m done trying to remind you of the time he tried to rape you (remember that?).

Jessica: I never planned to fall in love with Christian. It just happened.

Ken: Oh, sure. And your mouth just happened to become fused with his as you were walking into the restaurant…Tell me something, Jessica…does that sort of thing just happen to you often?

Jessica: It really does! I just can’t explain it!

It didn’t matter how different they were; when times got tough, the Wakefield twins stuck together.

LOLOLOL

Pamela and Bruce had been dating on and off for some time and had recently gotten back together.

So that’s where she’s been.

The Cover: Ew, remember the nineties when everyone wore those horrible flannel hoodie things that Ken has on? And bright yellow sweaters were all the rage? And faceless crowds stood in shadows behind you everywhere you went?

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: Boys are idiots.

The Big Deal: Party at Todd’s

Synopsis:

The cops show up and break up the rumble. The Sweet Valley guys run off to another abandoned warehouse Bruce found for them to hide out in. Before they leave the scene, though, Ken sees the guy who beat him up say something to Jessica. He’s sure it’s some kind of crude remark, but of course it’s just Christian telling Jessica to meet him at the beach the next morning. She does and they decide they can never see each other again.

On Monday, Mr. Cooper holds an assembly and lays out some new rules, one of them being that nobody is allowed to wear school colors to school anymore. The guys get all upset and refuse to obey, taking to rebelliously wearing SVH t-shirts under their sweatshirts. You tell ‘em, boys. Predictably, Liz joins the “task force” Mr. Cooper is putting together. The task force will work to promote peace between the schools. Todd can’t believe Liz is against him. Liz can’t believe Todd is being such a jackass. She’s sure they’re going to break up any day because her friend from Palisades, Caitlin, just broke up with her boyfriend over this whole war thing. Liz feels bad for Caitlin, so she invites her and her friend Marla to come along with her to a party at Todd’s. Enid tries to tell her it’s a bad idea, but Liz is having none of that. Sure enough, nobody will talk to the Palisades girls and Todd yells at Liz. That was pretty freaking stupid.

Jessica finally tells Liz that she’s been learning to surf but asks her to keep it a secret. Jessica and Christian manage to stay away from each other for two whole days, but then meet at the beach again. They start making out and just can’t stop. Liz notices Jessica isn’t at school and worries that she’s drowned or something. She finds Ken, tells him what’s going on and they go to the beach to find her. Liz finds them first, but Christian manages to run away before Ken can see him. It doesn’t matter though, because a few days later, Ken overhears the twins talking about the guy Jessica has been seeing.

The boys decide it would be a good idea to slash the tires on some of the Palisades guys’ cars. Winston is seen and the guy threatens him. Winston spends most of the book wishing he could stand up to Bruce and whining that he has no choice but to do these stupid things. He gets a call one day from Todd telling him there’s going to be a special meeting at the abandoned warehouse. Winston thinks Todd doesn’t sound like himself, but assumes he’s just pissed about something. He ditches Maria and takes off.

Ken is sitting in his car, spying on the Wakefields’ house that night. He sees Todd and Liz leave, and after a while he sees Jessica get into the Jeep. He follows her to the beach, where she gets out and hops into another car. Then he follows the other car to a restaurant. He goes inside just in time to see Jessica and Christian totally making out because they apparently can’t even keep their hands off each other long enough to eat a meal. Ken threatens Christian and then tells Jessica he never wants to see her again. He jumps in his car and leaves. Jessica tells Christian they need to follow him.

Todd and Liz go to the Dairi Burger. Maria is there and she asks Todd what happened to the guys’ meeting. Todd says there was no meeting and now everyone is worried about Winston. Todd figures the Palisades guys must have found their warehouse hideout and told Winston to meet them there. Todd calls the rest of the guys and takes off with them. Liz calls the cops. She and some of the other girls follow Todd.

At the warehouse, the Palisades guys are beating the crap out of poor Winston. Then the Sweet Valley guys show up and it turns into another rumble. When the girls get there and see what’s going on, they start screaming. Ken, Christian and Jessica get there just as the cops do. Most of the guys quiet down, but Todd doesn’t seem to notice the cops and just keeps pummeling the guy he’s on top of. As the cops are putting him in the squad car, Liz says something to the cop about it all being a mistake, she only called them so they could break up the fight. Uh, Liz? Sometimes this is how they break up a fight. Todd overhears and is super pissed that Liz is the one who called the police.

Ugh, to be continued…

Quotes:

“But they’re not going to be safe even if they stay in Palisades,” Bruce growled. “I say it’s time to carry the battle back to their home turf.”

Aaron jumped to his feet. “Justice,” he shouted. “That’s all we’re after!”

“Justice,” Ken repeated, his voice ringing strong and clear in the cavernous warehouse.

And then they all broke into a song and dance number.

“Slash their tires?” Elizabeth repeated, gaping at Maria…It was bad, far worse even than Elizabeth had imagined.

What did you imagine that was so much better than some slashed tires?

I can’t do it, Jessica thought. But I have to do it. I’m still Ken’s girlfriend.

You are allowed to break up with him, you know.

“Hi, Olivia,” she said, waving to Olivia and her boyfriend, Rod Sullivan. “Hi, Rod.”

I thought Olivia broke up with Rod and eventually started dating some guy named Harry.

The Cover: This is the Cover of Bad Hair. Christian is probably the ugliest person I’ve ever seen on an SVH cover, and that’s certainly saying something. Todd’s greaser look is ridiculous. The leather jacket doesn’t suit him, and besides, it’s the Palisades guys who are supposed to be wearing leather. The SVH guys wear jean jackets. Duh.

The Moral of the Story: On no account should boys be allowed to hang out by themselves.

The Big Deal: SVH/Palisades football game, masquerade ball

Synopsis:

At what is apparently the most important football game of all time, Liz and Enid meet two girls from Palisades High. Marla and Caitlin work on the Palisades newspaper, so the four girls immediately become friends. They all lament that there’s nothing for their papers to write about and decide to make their own news. After talking for a while, they decide the two schools should hold a fundraiser dance. They’ll make it a competition: the school that sells the most tickets can donate all the proceeds to the charity of its choice. None of the girls notice that the Palisades Pumas are playing dirty on the field and really banging up the SVH players.

Sweet Valley loses the game and Ken is all emo and pissy about it. He’s hanging out with Todd and Aaron in the parking lot afterward when a couple Pumas come up and punch him in the stomach. Ken tries to fight back, but Todd and Aaron restrain him and drag him to Todd’s car. After that, the guys start having GNOs (Guys’ Night Out). Egged on by Bruce, they start to get all crazed about getting revenge on Palisades High. They get a bunch of paint and write on the Palisades football field, “Palisades Pumas Purr Like Kittens.” Oh, Bruce. You almost got it right, but you’re off by just one word. In retaliation, the Palisades guys egg cars and TP houses. Blah, blah, everyone hates each other. The funniest part about this whole thing is that the SVH guys are suddenly walking around wearing jean jackets and sunglasses all the time. They’ve all been brainwashed, including Ken and Todd. Liz isn’t happy and wants to cancel the dance. Jessica doesn’t really care what’s going on because she’s all wrapped up in her latest infidelity.

There’s a surfing competition coming up and the grand prize is a trip to Hawaii. Jessica is determined to win even though she can’t surf. She wakes up early one morning to go to the beach and teach herself the basics. That’s where she meets Christian Gorman, the most gorgeous man she’s ever seen and a champion surfer. Over the next week, Christian teaches Jessica to surf and they fall in love. They decide they don’t want to know too much about each other, so neither of them even knows where the other goes to school. Jessica sort of feels bad about the fact that Ken’s going through a thing and she’s not there for him, so she gives a half-assed attempt at talking to him about the Palisades thing. He tells her there’s going to be trouble at the upcoming dance. Jessica says maybe they should just cancel it, but Ken says the guys will all show up anyway. Jessica tells Liz canceling the dance would be a bad idea because at least if there are other people around, maybe the guys won’t get too crazy.

Liz and Olivia get together with Marla and Caitlin and decide each school should do an edition of their paper dedicated to the other school. Liz and Olivia go to Palisades High to interview some students, but nobody will talk to them, partly because Liz is wearing an SVH sweatshirt. Even after she turns it inside out, though, nobody wants anything to do with her. When Liz and Olivia get back to SVH, they find Marla and Caitlin have had similar luck. Liz writes her feature article about Palisades High’s past record in sports and shit, which is really boring but at least it’s not inflammatory. Then John Pfeifer decides he just has to put in the stuff about the Palisades guys playing dirty on the football field. There’s also a bit about Tom McKay getting hit in the head with a tennis ball (*must resist urge to make a Clueless reference about Tom and balls flying at his face*). After reading John’s articles, the guys at SVH are even angrier than before.

The dance is being held at an old warehouse on Phantom Lane, halfway between Palisades and Sweet Valley. ‘Cause that’s not creepy or anything. As soon as the dance starts, all the guys disappear. Jessica goes outside to find them and walks right into a rumble. Ken is on the ground covered in blood. Jessica looks up at his attacker and is shocked to see Christian. Jessica slumps to the ground, and “Then nothing. Blackness.” So I guess she passes out or something.

To be continued.

Quotes:

Using her mouse, she clicked open her dance file.

Reading about people in the early to mid nineties using computers never fails to make me giggle.

They must have used a dozen roles [sic] of toilet paper, Ken thought. What a waste. Don’t they know anything about conservation?

Yes, that’s Ken’s mental comeback to having toilet paper thrown all over his house. Conservation.

Elizabeth turned angrily, shaking off the hand. It was Bruce and he was scowling. Aaron and Ronnie were standing by his side. They were all wearing their jean jackets and dark glasses.

I guess that’s how you know when a guy has been brainwashed into Bruce’s club. He gets himself a jean jacket and a pair of sunglasses.

The Cover: Ooh, look at those bad boys in that parking lot with that rebellious knocked over trashcan. Aw, but look at Christian and Jessica falling in love. How sweet.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Real friends will try to talk you out of getting a jumpstart on your career.

The Big Deal: Frat party

Synopsis:

The last book ended with Zach and Jessica at a restaurant and Magda about to catch them together, which is bad because Magda wants Zach and Jessica wants Magda to like her so she’ll get into the sorority. This book starts with Jessica acting insane and dragging Zach to the ladies’ room. She insists there’s a raging fire in the restaurant and convinces Zach they need to climb out the bathroom window. They do so, and Zach thinks Jessica is just so awesome and wild. Jessica is sure she’s falling in love, so she decides she’s going to stay with Liz at SVU.

Liz calls Todd and tells him she’s not coming home. Seriously? Like, you’re just going to stay at the college? I don’t think you can just, you know, do that. If nothing else, you should probably go home for some clothes or something. Oh, and hey, maybe you should talk to your parents. Anyway, Todd is basically traumatized: “Todd Wilkins let the phone fall with a clatter, his face as white as a sheet…He felt as if he had been punched in the stomach.” He goes driving around to all the places he and Liz love the most, conjuring up all these memories, acting like Liz is dead. When Ken hears from Jessica and learns she’s also going to stay at SVU, he and Todd decide they’re not going to stand for it. They get all the twins’ friends together, pass out some flyers that say “Operation Wakefield Twins” (I’m not making that up) and come up with some elaborate plan to get the twins to come back. It’s basically the same reverse psychology plan the twins used on Steve when he wanted to quit school and work on a boat. So everyone calls the twins and tells them how awesome things are going to be when they’re gone. For instance, now Lila will be the most popular girl in school and Enid will be the smartest. Oh, and Ned and Alice are looking forward to taking that long trip to Europe they’ve always talked about.

Liz hates her internship. The editor-in-chief, Mr. Petherbrook, is a lecherous perv who keeps eyeing Liz’s legs and calling her “honeybunch” and shit. He also won’t give her any real newspaper assignments and just keeps asking her to make copies and get him coffee. Liz finally snaps, tells him off and walks out. So much for your internship.

Suddenly the twins are starting to rethink their decision. Liz has no internship and Jessica finds out she wouldn’t be able to join the cheerleading squad until the following year. They both miss their boyfriends. Of course, these are just the first seeds of doubt. They still totally plan to stay. Besides, there’s a big frat party being given by Zach’s fraternity and Jessica is determined to go. The only problem is that Magda is going to be there. Jessica doesn’t want Magda to see her with Zach, so she browbeats Liz into a really stupid twin switch.

Liz goes to the party dressed all slutty, which means everyone thinks she’s Jessica even though this is a party where she doesn’t know anyone. Jessica goes dressed more conservatively than usual, but she only wants Magda to think she’s Liz. She still wants to be Zach’s date as Jessica.

Operation Wakefield Twins involves everyone driving up to SVU. Steve and Billie are in on the whole thing and they let the gang into their apartment while the twins are at the Zeta party. They’re hanging banners and blowing up balloons when Ken suddenly realizes Jessica wouldn’t want to stay at SVU just for Liz. He deduces there must be another guy involved. He and Todd decide to crash the Zeta party and see what’s going on. When they get there, they look in a window like the creepers they are and see “Jessica” looking bored while “Liz” dances happily with some guy. Todd gets all emo and says he’s going home, but Ken convinces him he should fight for his chick. They decide to go in, but they don’t get past the bouncer.

Liz notices the commotion at the door and runs into Todd’s arms. He’s confused and then relieved that it’s not his girlfriend who’s dancing with some other guy. Then the bouncer throws him outside. Ken’s pissed, so he taps Jessica on the shoulder and asks what her deal is. She tries to say it was a blind date, which upsets Zach, so he’s all, “But what about our love?” and Ken’s all, “But what about me?” and Jess is all, “You’re tearing me apart!” Ken leaves, and just when things couldn’t get any worse, Magda comes up to Jessica (who she still thinks is Liz) and tells her she can have Zach because he’s only a junior in high school, “Just like you.” Jessica and Zach yell at each other for a minute and then decide the whole thing is hilarious. Then Jessica says she’s got to go and find her boyfriend.

The twins leave the party but don’t see the boys anywhere. They go back to Steve’s apartment where they find a surprise party waiting for them. All their friends are there to wish them luck and say goodbye. They put on some slideshow highlighting awesome high school times. Todd comes in with chips and soda and stuff. He tells Jessica Ken’s in the car. She runs outside and makes him stop the car. She jumps in and they have a talk and of course Ken forgives her for everything. They go back inside and the twins decide they would really be much happier if they decided to forget this whole college thing.

Quotes:

“SVU is only two hours away from Sweet Valley, after all.”

Why? Why is Sweet Valley University two hours away from Sweet Valley? That doesn’t make sense.

Just then a big blond guy walked by with a shaggy sheepdog by his side. He did a double take as he passed Jessica, tripping over the dog’s leash and stumbling to the ground.

Because she’s just that hot, folks. But isn’t it funny that these things never happen to Elizabeth?

Enid Rollins’s mouth dropped open.

Olivia Davidson’s eyes bugged out.

Winston Egbert dropped his fork with a clatter.

“Elizabeth’s not coming back?” they exclaimed in unison.

Oh, fuck off, all of you.

Elizabeth took a quick look in the mirror and stared at herself, aghast…She had never shown so much skin in her entire life.

Don’t you go to the beach – in a swimsuit – like every day?

The Cover: I don’t remember either twin taking any classes in this book, so I don’t really know what’s up with the blonde in the classroom. I think the guy with glasses is Liz’s nerd friend, Ian, which means the other guy is probably Zach. SVU’s color is purple, I guess.

The Moral of the Story: If you coast through life and never apply yourself, you’ll do well on important tests.

The Big Deal: Party at Lila’s after the SATs, big basketball game

Best Outfit: Dana, the original American Apparel model – green tunic, black leather belt, purple tights, black high-heeled boots

Synopsis:

It’s time for the SATs and Liz is freaking out. She stays up late studying every night while Jessica shops and sunbathes. Unsurprisingly, Liz is so tired and stressed that she does badly on the test. Her scores are in the four hundreds. Jessica is shocked and horrified when her own scores are in the seven hundreds. She doesn’t want to tell anyone because she’s worried about being seen as a nerd. She does tell Ken, but he doesn’t believe her. Jackass.

After the scores come out, Jessica is again horrified when she gets to school and there’s a big banner congratulating her and Winston on having the highest SAT scores in the junior class. There’s even an assembly to recognize their achievement. Everyone is congratulating her and Jessica is relieved that being smart won’t totally ruin her reputation. But then people keep coming up to her and saying how surprised they are that she did so well. Jessica is upset that everyone thinks she’s dumb.

Jessica gets called to the principal’s office and Chrome Dome tells her the school board thinks she cheated on the exam. Caroline Pearce overhears and starts spreading the gossip. By the time it gets to Liz, the story is that Jessica sneaked back into the classroom after the test and switched her exam with Liz’s. Liz gets pissed and starts a fight with Jessica.

While all this is going on, Todd is turning into a real asshat. He scored in the six hundreds and now has college scouts coming to watch him play basketball. He’s acting really arrogant and obnoxious and he doesn’t seem to care at all about Liz’s problems. Liz’s self esteem is shot. She even tries to resign from The Oracle because she thinks she’s too stupid to be a reporter, but Mr. Collins doesn’t let her. She manages to tear Todd away from his constant rereading of scholarship offers and they go to Miller’s Point. Liz tries one more time to talk to Todd about how she’s feeling, but he can’t stop blathering on about how awesome he is. Liz kicks him out of the car. Just a few feet away, Jessica and Ken have a fight because Ken wants Jessica to tell him the truth, that she really cheated on the exam. She jumps out of his car and runs into Todd. Then Liz drives by and offers Jessica a ride. They make up on the way home and Liz says she knows Jessica didn’t cheat.

The twins both decide to take the SATs again. This time, Jessica is determined to do just as well as she did the first time so she stays up all night studying and even invites Winston over to help her. Liz has decided she doesn’t even care about the SATs anymore, so she acts like Jessica and doesn’t prepare at all. This time, Liz scores in the seven hundreds and Jessica in the four hundreds. The school board is convinced Jessica cheated the first time, so she is suspended from school.

Liz is determined to clear Jessica’s name and she comes up with a plan. Chrome Dome gives her permission to hold a mock trial. Liz will act as Jessica’s lawyer and the jury will be six students and six faculty members who don’t know Jessica very well. If Liz and Jessica win, Chrome Dome will fight for Jessica’s case against the school board.

Jessica is allowed to come back to school the day before the trial, and when the twins get there they find a whole rally going on. Half the school is wearing “We Believe in Jessica” t-shirts while the football team, led by Ken, runs around yelling and the cheerleading squad (minus Heather) does a cheer. I wish I was kidding. While that’s going on, Heather and Bruce are leading the rest of the school in a display of scowling while wearing “Jessica is Guilty” t-shirts. Because everyone has an opinion. Fucking Wakefields.

To my complete lack of surprise, Liz wins the trial and Jessica’s good name is cleared. Ned and Alice decide the twins should take a few days off from school and go visit Steve at Sweet Valley University.

Oh, somewhere in there, Todd falls at his big basketball game and breaks his ankle. This prompts Liz to make up with him and everything is wonderful again.

Quotes:

“You’re really beautiful, Jessica,” ken said. He touched her fingers. “You’re without a doubt the prettiest girl at Sweet Valley High. I’ve heard guys on the football team talking about your incredible looks when they thought I was out of earshot.”

Do I really need more confirmation that Jessica is totally hot? Does Jessica really need it?

“Well, I’m not too surprised, Jess,” [Ken] said with a smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “It’s not like anyone expected you to do really well.”

Damn, that’s cold.

“What school should I go to, Liz? You used to know a lot about college,” Todd said.

Ha ha. Because she’s suddenly forgotten everything she’s ever learned now that she scored low on a test.

The Cover: I don’t know what’s going on here, but I don’t think anything on this cover actually correlates to anything that happens in the book.

The moral of the story: Blacks and whites just really don’t belong together.

The Big Deal: Party at Andrea’s, Whitman/Thomas wedding

Synopsis:

Steve has been spending a lot of time teaching Cheryl Thomas to drive. Everyone starts to think there’s something romantic between them and Jessica asks Steve what’s going on. Steve laughs and says they’re just good friends, but then he worries that maybe the reason he’s not interested in Cheryl like that is because she’s black. Dammit, didn’t we just have a book about race yesterday? After a driving lesson, Steve and Cheryl go to a little restaurant up the highway. There are a bunch of skinhead jackasses at the next table and they make some stupid remarks. Steve and Cheryl leave, and Cheryl starts crying. Steve comforts her and they end up making out.

Steve tells the twins he and Cheryl are a couple now, but Liz notes that he looks more determined than happy, especially when he starts talking about how they’ll have obstacles to overcome. Somehow, the whole school hears about the couple and everyone is talking about it. Apparently, “Steve and Cheryl are a first.” Jessica wants to make sure everyone knows she supports the match, and she thinks the best way to do this is to offer to make the wedding cake for Annie’s mom and Cheryl’s dad. Cheryl doesn’t know Jessica well, so she thinks her enthusiasm is masking some racism. What?

For their first night out on the town as a couple, Steve, terrified of being alone with Cheryl, calls a bunch of his college buddies and they all go to the Beach Disco. Cheryl dances with Steve’s black friend, Martin, and feels a strong attraction to him. She realizes she’s not attracted to Steven at all, but wonders how that can be when she’s in love with him. Damn, these kids are sure fast to label something as “love.” She wonders if she’s not attracted to Steve just because he’s white. Ugh.

Of all of the twins’ friends, only Lila seems down on the idea of Steve and Cheryl being together. Jessica tries to convince her that closed-mindedness is out, but Lila says this is a bad move for both Steve and Cheryl. She says Andrea Slade is throwing a party this weekend, and any person who doesn’t get an invitation can count himself as a nobody. Also, since Andrea and Nicholas Morrow have broken up (aw, poor Nicholas), Andrea has developed a crush on Bruce, who is sure to be helping her with the guest list to the party. Bruce doesn’t think much of Steve and Cheryl, so Lila’s sure they won’t be invited. And that will mean that Lila was right and Jessica was wrong.

Steve and Cheryl do end up getting invited, and they’re just so awesome that by the end of the night, everyone thinks they’re the coolest couple ever. But Steve and Cheryl both spend page after page worrying about their relationship and realizing they really aren’t right for each other, but neither of them ever thinks to tell the other.

The day of the wedding, Liz and Jessica are making the wedding cake and talking about what kind of weddings they’ll have. Jessica says she and Sam won’t be ready to get married for at least five years. Aw, Sam. Liz hopes she and Todd will get married someday.

At the wedding reception, Cheryl gives a toast to her father and new stepmother. This toast somehow serves as a message to Steve, and when Cheryl sits down they do that thing where they immediately understand each other. Suddenly, they’re just friends. Cheryl ends up going out with Black Martin.

Quotes:

My big brother is half of the very first interracial couple at Sweet Valley High!

I guess Sandy and Manuel don’t count. Or Annie and Tony. Is it only interracial if one person is black and the other is white? Also, Steve doesn’t go to Sweet Valley High.

The Cover: What the hell? Is Steve actually smiling? I don’t believe it. This is proof that he’s trying too hard.