Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: Christmas is a bad time to be a Wakefield twin.

The Big Deal: Party at Secca Lake, “Welcome Back from the Dead” party for Jessica

Synopsis:

UGH.

The prologue takes us back to “last year” when Margo died at Fowler Crest on New Year’s Eve. But apparently, nobody noticed the ambulance suddenly stop and then start again after leaving the house. I guess this is a suggestion that Margo is not actually dead and somehow managed to overpower the EMS guys and steal their ambulance.

It’s gonna be a long recap, I can already tell.

A couple weeks before Christmas, a girl named Nora Chappelle is at her father’s wake in Savannah, Georgia. Nora hates her stepmother, Blanche. She overhears Blanche’s cousins talking about Nora’s real mother being insane. After the funeral, Blanche gives Nora a check for fifty thousand dollars and tells her to get lost. Then she says Nora has a twin sister somewhere named Margo. Blanche made Nora’s father put Margo up for adoption when they got married. Nora vows to find her sister. Nora just ain’t right. You can tell because she thinks she can see smells. Also, she suddenly starts talking to mirrors as though her reflection is Margo.

There’s a party up at Secca Lake and Todd is running late. He’s driving way too fast on the winding roads and ends up crashing through the guard rail. Jessica, who is of course also running late, sees Todd’s car about to go over the cliff. She manages to pull him out just before the car falls and explodes. Up at the lake, Liz sees the big fiery ball and calls 911 on Lila’s cellular phone before racing to the scene. She sees Jessica climbing into the ambulance with Todd’s stretcher and gets upset when nobody will tell her anything. At the hospital, Jessica and Todd make googly eyes at each other. The doctor refers to Jessica as Todd’s girlfriend and neither of them corrects him.

When Liz finally gets to the hospital, she’s totally jealous that Jessica was the one who saved Todd, not her. Todd staring at Jessica with “a look he usually reserved for Elizabeth” doesn’t help matters. Jessica can tell Liz is jealous and it irritates her. That night, Liz has the same dream she had last year about a girl who she thinks is Jessica but who has black hair trying to kill her. The next morning, the newspaper runs a picture of Jessica and Todd at the hospital. The headline is, “Local Girl Saves Her Boyfriend’s Life.” Liz goes to the hospital to visit Todd. He tries to reassure her when she says she’s jealous. It works until she gets home and finds Jessica telling all her friends that Todd pledged his undying gratitude to her the night before.

Meanwhile, Nora’s gotten hold of a bunch of documents pertaining to Margo. She learns all about the Wakefield twins and how Margo tried to kill Liz to impersonate her. The article Nora has says Nora was pronounced dead, but on the way to the hospital, the ambulance went off the Palisades bridge and Margo’s body was never recovered. I guess nobody ever thought to inform the Wakefields. Nora is distraught and decides the Wakefield twins should die. Because she’s crazy.

Todd and Liz go to the Dairi Burger for a nice intimate date, but Todd wants to sit with Jessica and her friends. Amy and Lila start hounding Todd for details about Jessica’s rescue and Todd is more than happy to oblige. Liz and Ken are sick of the whole thing so they leave to go to a movie. When Liz gets home that night, Jessica is furious. She accuses Liz of ruining her date with Ken, and Liz accuses her of ruining her date with Todd. On Christmas Eve, Todd and Ken are at the Wakefields’ house for dinner, and Todd stands up and gives a toast to Jessica. Liz runs up to her room and starts crying. The twins, not wanting to have another Christmas like last year’s, make up the next morning.

Nora, who has arrived in Sweet Valley, puts on a blond wig and goes to spend Christmas with Margo’s ghost at the cemetery. A hand closes around her throat and Nora turns around to find Margo trying to kill her. Then Nora’s wig falls off and Margo is super confused. Nora introduces herself and takes Margo back to the hotel with her. Margo says she’s been spying on the twins for the past year. She teaches Nora everything she knows about them. They decide to kill both Wakefield twins and become them. But first, they have to make sure the twins hate each other again.

Nora pretends to be Liz and calls Todd and asks him to a movie, then makes out with him the whole night where Liz, who is at the theater with Enid, can see them. When Jessica gets home that night, Liz starts screaming at her and won’t listen to Jessica’s claims that she was with Ken all night. Nora’s proud of herself for impersonating Liz so well and she’s all psyched to try Jessica, but Margo says Nora has to be Liz. Yeah, Margo and Nora fight over who gets to be Jessica when they kill the twins and take over their lives.

On New Year’s Eve, the twins go to a carnival with their friends. Jessica goes into the House of Mirrors and gets totally creeped out. Then we don’t see her again until she shows up two hours later and Lila asks her where her earrings went. Hmm. Later that night, Nora sneaks into the Wakefield house and kills Jessica, Margo be damned. Liz is in the next room having a nightmare and she screams. Nora freaks out and starts climbing out the window. Liz runs to Jessica’s room and sees her, but thinks she’s Margo. The she sees Jessica’s dead body and starts screaming.

While the Wakefields are at the hospital, friends of the twins gather on the front lawn. It’s three-thirty in the morning, so I don’t know how any of them heard about what happened, but whatever. At the police station, Liz tries to tell the police that she saw Margo climbing out the window, but the detective is a bitch and just shows her Margo’s death certificate. Liz points out that Margo’s body was never found, but the detective is an idiot. Meanwhile, Nora hasn’t seen Margo all night. She gets it into her head that Margo is going to kill her, so she plans to kill her first. Then she’ll kill Liz and become her, since she fucked up on becoming Jessica.

Ned and Alice try to talk to Liz about funeral arrangements for Jessica, but Liz doesn’t think a funeral parlor is appropriate. She insists the memorial should be held at the school since it was Jessica’s favorite place in the world. Except for all those times she wanted to skip school and shit. But anyway. Two thousand people show up for the service. Liz reads a poem for Jessica and then runs off stage crying. Todd hugs her and says he’s sorry for whatever Liz thinks he did. Liz says she knows he wasn’t with Jessica that night and that Margo was tricking him. Todd acts like she’s crazy (“Margo’s dead. Remember?”) and Liz is all cryptic instead of just explaining that she was at the movies with Enid that night and saw Todd kissing someone who looked just like her.

After the memorial, Liz “feels Jessica’s presence” and is suddenly sure she’s alive. She tries to tell Steve, but he just thinks she’s losing her mind. She has a dream that night that there are two Margos trying to kill her. Now Liz is pretty sure Margo had a twin, that Jessica is still alive and that Margo is the one who got stabbed on New Year’s Eve. That’s a lot of information to glean from a nightmare. The police come over the next day to question her some more and the detective for some reason puts her gun on a table in the dining room. Liz makes an excuse and sneaks out through the dining room, picking up the gun on her way to the Jeep.

Liz goes to the school and sees the furnace room door open. She goes in and sees Jessica and Nora struggling. She holds up the gun, but can’t tell which one is really her twin, even though Jessica is the one who’s tied up. She makes what looks to me to be a random choice and aims the gun at Nora, telling Jessica to pick up Nora’s knife and cut herself free. She explains to Jessica that Margo had a twin, and tells Nora she killed her own twin sister that night, not Jessica.

The cops show up and arrest Nora and the world sits comfortably on its axis for another day. A few days later, Lila, Liz and Steve throw Jessica a “Welcome Back from the Dead” party. Seriously.

Quotes:

Margo shook her head. “This is my show,” she said. Nora detected a hint of menace in her voice. “The cast includes me in the role of Jessica, and you as Elizabeth. There are no understudies.” … [Nora] hated going against Margo’s wishes. But she wasn’t ready to give up her dream. Not by a long shot.

I can’t believe they seriously have a falling out because they can’t agree on who gets to be Jessica.

The Cover: I guess there’s not really much to snark at here. It’s kind of a boring cover.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Real friends will try to talk you out of getting a jumpstart on your career.

The Big Deal: Frat party

Synopsis:

The last book ended with Zach and Jessica at a restaurant and Magda about to catch them together, which is bad because Magda wants Zach and Jessica wants Magda to like her so she’ll get into the sorority. This book starts with Jessica acting insane and dragging Zach to the ladies’ room. She insists there’s a raging fire in the restaurant and convinces Zach they need to climb out the bathroom window. They do so, and Zach thinks Jessica is just so awesome and wild. Jessica is sure she’s falling in love, so she decides she’s going to stay with Liz at SVU.

Liz calls Todd and tells him she’s not coming home. Seriously? Like, you’re just going to stay at the college? I don’t think you can just, you know, do that. If nothing else, you should probably go home for some clothes or something. Oh, and hey, maybe you should talk to your parents. Anyway, Todd is basically traumatized: “Todd Wilkins let the phone fall with a clatter, his face as white as a sheet…He felt as if he had been punched in the stomach.” He goes driving around to all the places he and Liz love the most, conjuring up all these memories, acting like Liz is dead. When Ken hears from Jessica and learns she’s also going to stay at SVU, he and Todd decide they’re not going to stand for it. They get all the twins’ friends together, pass out some flyers that say “Operation Wakefield Twins” (I’m not making that up) and come up with some elaborate plan to get the twins to come back. It’s basically the same reverse psychology plan the twins used on Steve when he wanted to quit school and work on a boat. So everyone calls the twins and tells them how awesome things are going to be when they’re gone. For instance, now Lila will be the most popular girl in school and Enid will be the smartest. Oh, and Ned and Alice are looking forward to taking that long trip to Europe they’ve always talked about.

Liz hates her internship. The editor-in-chief, Mr. Petherbrook, is a lecherous perv who keeps eyeing Liz’s legs and calling her “honeybunch” and shit. He also won’t give her any real newspaper assignments and just keeps asking her to make copies and get him coffee. Liz finally snaps, tells him off and walks out. So much for your internship.

Suddenly the twins are starting to rethink their decision. Liz has no internship and Jessica finds out she wouldn’t be able to join the cheerleading squad until the following year. They both miss their boyfriends. Of course, these are just the first seeds of doubt. They still totally plan to stay. Besides, there’s a big frat party being given by Zach’s fraternity and Jessica is determined to go. The only problem is that Magda is going to be there. Jessica doesn’t want Magda to see her with Zach, so she browbeats Liz into a really stupid twin switch.

Liz goes to the party dressed all slutty, which means everyone thinks she’s Jessica even though this is a party where she doesn’t know anyone. Jessica goes dressed more conservatively than usual, but she only wants Magda to think she’s Liz. She still wants to be Zach’s date as Jessica.

Operation Wakefield Twins involves everyone driving up to SVU. Steve and Billie are in on the whole thing and they let the gang into their apartment while the twins are at the Zeta party. They’re hanging banners and blowing up balloons when Ken suddenly realizes Jessica wouldn’t want to stay at SVU just for Liz. He deduces there must be another guy involved. He and Todd decide to crash the Zeta party and see what’s going on. When they get there, they look in a window like the creepers they are and see “Jessica” looking bored while “Liz” dances happily with some guy. Todd gets all emo and says he’s going home, but Ken convinces him he should fight for his chick. They decide to go in, but they don’t get past the bouncer.

Liz notices the commotion at the door and runs into Todd’s arms. He’s confused and then relieved that it’s not his girlfriend who’s dancing with some other guy. Then the bouncer throws him outside. Ken’s pissed, so he taps Jessica on the shoulder and asks what her deal is. She tries to say it was a blind date, which upsets Zach, so he’s all, “But what about our love?” and Ken’s all, “But what about me?” and Jess is all, “You’re tearing me apart!” Ken leaves, and just when things couldn’t get any worse, Magda comes up to Jessica (who she still thinks is Liz) and tells her she can have Zach because he’s only a junior in high school, “Just like you.” Jessica and Zach yell at each other for a minute and then decide the whole thing is hilarious. Then Jessica says she’s got to go and find her boyfriend.

The twins leave the party but don’t see the boys anywhere. They go back to Steve’s apartment where they find a surprise party waiting for them. All their friends are there to wish them luck and say goodbye. They put on some slideshow highlighting awesome high school times. Todd comes in with chips and soda and stuff. He tells Jessica Ken’s in the car. She runs outside and makes him stop the car. She jumps in and they have a talk and of course Ken forgives her for everything. They go back inside and the twins decide they would really be much happier if they decided to forget this whole college thing.

Quotes:

“SVU is only two hours away from Sweet Valley, after all.”

Why? Why is Sweet Valley University two hours away from Sweet Valley? That doesn’t make sense.

Just then a big blond guy walked by with a shaggy sheepdog by his side. He did a double take as he passed Jessica, tripping over the dog’s leash and stumbling to the ground.

Because she’s just that hot, folks. But isn’t it funny that these things never happen to Elizabeth?

Enid Rollins’s mouth dropped open.

Olivia Davidson’s eyes bugged out.

Winston Egbert dropped his fork with a clatter.

“Elizabeth’s not coming back?” they exclaimed in unison.

Oh, fuck off, all of you.

Elizabeth took a quick look in the mirror and stared at herself, aghast…She had never shown so much skin in her entire life.

Don’t you go to the beach – in a swimsuit – like every day?

The Cover: I don’t remember either twin taking any classes in this book, so I don’t really know what’s up with the blonde in the classroom. I think the guy with glasses is Liz’s nerd friend, Ian, which means the other guy is probably Zach. SVU’s color is purple, I guess.

The Moral of the Story: If you send criminals to jail, they’ll come back to kill your family.

The Big Deal: Summer vacation

Synopsis:

So, this book has a prologue, which is weird. A man named John Marin sits in a prison cell staring at the newspaper clippings he’s gathered over the last few months. Each one contains something about the Wakefield twins. They sure are in the paper a lot. Anyway…

It’s the first day of summer vacation again, and this time the twins are for once NOT going to work at a newspaper. They’ve taken jobs as waitresses at the Marina Café. Alice will be spending the summer working on a new job at a mansion that’s being remodeled, Steve will be working at Ned’s law firm and Ned will be fretting about the twins because John Marin just got out of jail. Marin, who is now twenty-eight but still looks like he’s twenty, killed a mother and daughter ten years ago and Ned was the attorney that put him away. Marin didn’t like that much and threatened Ned’s family and now here we are.

The twins’ boss, Mr. Jenkins, can’t get tell them apart. Rather, he obviously can since he’s pretty consistent in calling Liz Jess and Jess Liz. Whatever, I don’t even care. Liz is awed by another waitress, Jane, who’s on her fourth summer at the Marina Café. Jane tells Liz she just graduated from college and Liz just can’t believe it because Jane doesn’t look twenty-two. Jane laughs and confirms that she’s really twenty-six. Oh, shut up. Jessica flirts with a customer named Scott Maderlake who looks about twenty and has blue eyes. He says he’s an intern scouting out locations for his boss’s next film, which will take place at a high school. Of course, Jessica offers to show him Sweet Valley High. He’s like Jessica’s dream man. When Ned gets home from work that night, he finds that John Marin has broken into the house and left him a threatening note.

This book sucks already.

Liz is tired of her boring life (again) and wants to do something adventurous (again). After she and Todd see some movie for the fourth time, they go to the Dairi Burger, where Liz looks across the room and sees her soulmate, some guy who looks about twenty with blue eyes. She doesn’t speak to him or anything, but she knows he was meant for her. He shows up at the café the next day, sailing up on his boat, The Emily Dickinson. Both twins notice a creepy old man watching them all day, and Liz actually runs into him in the storage room. She runs out and straight into the arms of soulmate guy. His name is actually Ben Morgan and he seems like Liz’s dream man. Neither twin wants to tell the other about her new boyfriend.

After showing Scott the high school and then having dinner with him, Jessica goes home and discovers her lavaliere is missing. Ned later finds the lavaliere, along with a note that says “Such a lovely young neck,” in an envelope with his name on it. He calls the private investigator he’s had watching the twins. His name is Jim Battaglia and he tells Ned that Jessica has been seeing a guy, but he doesn’t look anything like the mug shot Jim received (Marin intercepted the real mug shot and replaced it with someone else’s). Jim offers to investigate the boyfriend, but Ned says not to bother since he’s “no different from the other hundred or so that she’s been out with in the last year.”

The days go by and nothing much happens. Jessica secretly goes out with Scott, Liz secretly goes out with Ben, Marin sends Ned threatening notes, Ned freaks out. The twins are being followed and watched by at least two men, one having been hired by Marin and one by Ned’s P.I. We’re not supposed to know which is which. Then one day Jim calls and tells Ned that Marin’s been taken into custody. He had a lavaliere on him. Yeah, right. You know it’s the wrong guy.

The twins are locking up the café the next night. Jessica sees a man with a knife in the storage room. She screams and the guy runs away. They call the police and then go down to the station. The cops have them pick the guy out of a lineup, but the guy they pick is “Marin,” who’s been in jail since the night before. The cops finally figure out the guy they have isn’t Marin, but some guy named Pilchard. Marin hired him to watch the twins and gave him Jessica’s necklace as part of his payment. Ned, intending to demand how the mugshot got mixed up, drives to Jim’s house and finds the P.I. dead. There’s a note from Marin next to the body.

On the way home from the police station, Liz tells Jessica about Ben and asks her to cover for her while she goes sailing with him. Later that night, Jessica is confronted by Ned and a couple cops. They tell her about Marin and show her Marin’s picture and she’s all, “Don’t be silly, that’s my new boyfriend!” It finally sinks in that her new boyfriend is a murderer, but she still insists that Liz’s secret boyfriend is someone different altogether. Jane the waitress is the only one who’s seen Ben, so they find her at the Beach Disco and she confirms that the guy in the mugshot is Ben.

Liz and Marin are about to make out on “Ben’s” boat when a Coast Guard boat carrying Ned, Jessica and some cops shows up. Marin threatens Liz with a knife and there’s a struggle. Liz gets away from him and somehow falls overboard. Jessica seems to be the only one who notices, so she jumps off the Coast Guard boat to rescue her. In the end, Marin manages to escape in a dinghy and later the cops find evidence that he’s been eaten by sharks. But of course he wasn’t. He’s hiding in the Wakefields’ basement. After the twins go to sleep, Marin goes to their room to kill them, but Ned comes along and knocks him out the window. The cop outside says Marin is going back to jail. Yeah, right. If he was, I wouldn’t have a whole second book to read in this miniseries.

Quotes:

Elizabeth tried to listen, but she found herself focusing on Todd’s neat, conservative haircut, his wholesome good looks, and his mall-store rugby shirt. He was so ordinary…For the first time, Elizabeth realized just how unsophisticated her boyfriend really was.

Ugh, you are such a snob.

Jessica: The money isn’t what’s important!

Lila: Bite your tongue!

Your daily dose of Lila.

The Cover: Awesome floppy nineties hair, John! Love it. The best part of this cover is the clippings on the wall. Most of them are whatever, but you can clearly see the covers of Jessica Quits the Squad and Murder in Paradise. Up at the top you can see Marin in his twin-tailored personalities – the poet sailor with Liz and the movie guy with Jessica.

The Moral of the Story: Being pretty is a dangerous thing.

Synopsis:

Alice Wakefield has won a trip to the luxurious Paradise Spa. She takes along the twins and their best friends, Lila and Enid. Their mothers are invited too, but only Grace Fowler can make it. Adele Rollins can’t get the time off work, so already we know we’re supposed to feel sorry for Enid, who walks around feeling ugly and fat because Hugh just dumped her.

When the gang gets to the spa, Jessica immediately forgets about Ken Matthews and falls in love with Chris, the good-looking golf instructor. It appears that everyone who works at Paradise Spa is freaking gorgeous except the owner, Tatiana Mueller. She surprises everyone when she turns out to be ugly and disfigured. Alice feels like she and Tatiana have met before, but then shrugs the feeling off. Clearly, Alice doesn’t know she’s in a Super Thriller.

Jessica and Lila are freaked out and horrified when they realize there are no mirrors anywhere in the cottage. At breakfast the next morning, Jessica asks for one and Tatiana gets all creepy and says no, only inner beauty matters. Then breakfast comes and Liz notices their beautiful waitress, Katya, seems sad. After the meal, Jessica goes for her golf lesson with Chris. She gets annoyed when Chris starts asking about her sister, and when he asks if Jessica thinks Liz would go out with him, she throws her golf club on the ground and walks away.

Tatiana takes a special interest in Enid and gives her a special hair treatment “just for redheads.” While Tatiana works on her hair, Enid tells her how envious she is of Liz because she has straight blond hair and a boyfriend and a loving mother who was able to take time off work. Tatiana is all weird and eggs Enid on, trying to make her feel like nobody cares about her.

Chris finds Liz later and asks her to play tennis with him after dinner. Liz wants Enid to join them so she asks Chris to bring a friend. Enid gets pissy for some reason. But she goes and is instantly attracted to Chris’ roommate Alex, who works as a groundskeeper at the spa. Alex seems to like Enid, too, until Jessica shows up and starts putting on a cheerleading show. Chris and Alex invite the girls to their room for ice cream, and Lila and Enid watch while the twins monopolize the boys. Enid is miserable, but Lila’s just disgusted that they’re so interested in the hired help.

The next day, Liz asks Katya about her family. Katya bursts into tears and says she ran away and will never see her mother again. Then she runs off. Later, Liz and Chris have a picnic and start making out. It’s totally okay because when she’s with Chris, Liz forgets all about Todd so I guess it’s not like she’s cheating or anything.

Enid meets Tatiana for another hair treatment. Tatiana hypnotizes Enid and plants a suggestion that Enid’s mother doesn’t love her and wishes she’d never been born. Enid starts spending lots of time with Tatiana, who keeps hypnotizing her. Enid’s mom calls the cottage one day and Liz is shocked when Enid says she doesn’t feel like talking to her.

Katya, Chris and Alex take Lila and the twins out for a game of Frisbee golf and accidentally lead them into the woods where they all stumble upon a big white building with no windows in the middle of a clearing. The spa employees freak out and run off, yelling at everyone to follow them. Later, Liz overhears Tatiana yelling at Katya for bringing the guests into the woods.

Liz can tell that Katya has taken a liking to Alice, so she asks her to talk to her. Katya tells Alice she wishes she could go home, but she can’t. That night, Jessica finds Katya dead in the steam room. Tatiana says Katya had a heart condition, but Liz is suspicious. She snoops in Katya’s room that night and finds out she was a runaway. On her next date with Chris, Liz asks if he’s also a runaway. It turns out he and Alex both ran away from home to work at Paradise. Then she finds out all the other teenage employees are runaways, too, and they all work at the spa for no money, just room and board. Liz thinks they all seem brainwashed.

Alice, Grace, Lila and the twins go to a waterfall as a sort of remembrance thing for Katya. Liz is explaining to Jessica that something strange is going on when Grace suddenly starts shouting for Alice, who has apparently disappeared. The twins run back to the spa and tell Tatiana what happened, but Tatiana tries to placate them by saying Alice probably just wanted some alone time.

The twins go back to their room to try to call their father, but the phone is dead. Jessica goes to Tatiana’s office to tell her the phones are down. Before she can knock on the door, Jessica hears Tatiana talking on the phone. But when Jessica enters the office a few minutes later and asks to use the phone, Tatiana tells her all the phones are down, including hers. Jessica leaves the office and then sees Tatiana run down the hallway. She sneaks back into the office and finds a Sweet Valley University yearbook from Alice’s senior year. Alice’s picture has been cut out.

While Jessica is doing that, Liz checks out the phone cord in the cottage and realizes it’s been cut. Luckily, she has her trusty laptop and she plugs it into the phone line. If she’s got her own cord, I don’t know why she doesn’t just plug in the phone. Anyway, there’s a convoluted explanation of how Liz gets on the internet and emails her dad. Then she gets on “INFOMAX,” where she does a search for the skin and hair treatments Enid’s been undergoing. The result is “plastic surgery.” Liz can’t believe Enid would ever consider plastic surgery.

Back in Tatiana’s office, Jessica looks through a folder marked “Staff.” There are two files for each employee, a  Before and an After. There’s a photograph in each one, and it’s clear that all the employees have undergone plastic surgery. There’s a Before file for Enid, and it contains a computer generated image of what Enid would look like after having surgery. Jessica is freaking out over this when suddenly the door opens and the lights come on. Don’t worry, it’s just Enid. Jessica waves the file around and says Tatiana has a plan for her, but Enid just gets all happy and tells Jessica how excited she is to look like a supermodel.

Liz is freaking out and she decides to go outside to look for Alice again. She thinks she’ll go back to the waterfall. It doesn’t occur to her to check out the creepy building everyone was afraid of. Right after she leaves, Jessica comes back to the cottage and tells Lila and Grace what she found. Liz’s computer beeps, which means she has a message. Jessica opens the email from Ned, who wants Liz to tell Alice that they did know Tatiana Mueller in college. She lived down the hall from Alice’s dorm room and worshipped Alice. Everyone called her Tatty Mule because she was ugly. Last he heard, Tatiana went to medical school. Jessica realizes Tatiana wants to be just like Alice and that Alice is in trouble.

Liz is at the waterfall when she suddenly feels something close around her wrist. She gets pulled into a cave behind the waterfall and is surprised to see Chris standing there in a white lab coat and looking all mean. He takes her arm and tells her Tatiana is expecting her. Here’s what we learn:

• Tatiana wants to look like Alice.
• She went under the knife at twenty-three, but the surgeon sucked. That’s why she’s disfigured.
• She became the best plastic surgeon ever so that she could train someone to do it right.
• That someone is Marguerite, Tatiana’s assistant who’s only been mentioned once before at the beginning of the book.
• Marguerite is going to make Tatiana look just like Alice.
• Tatiana is going to kill Alice, because there can’t be two of them.

Just when Liz thinks Tatiana is going to kill her, Jessica, Lila and Enid show up to save the day. Well, Enid is sort of along for the ride, but during all the Evil Villain and Pleading Protagonist speeches, Enid’s brainwashing comes undone and she helps take Tatiana down. Then the cops show up. The next morning, all the spa employees run around yelling, “Mrs. Mueller is gone! We don’t have to work here anymore!”

Quotes:

Jessica: These portions are half of what we get for dinner at home, Mom. I’m going to wither away!

Liz: It feels good not to be stuffed, to eat just as much as you need and no more.

Is there some reason you can’t eat that way at home? Does someone force you to eat past the point where you’re comfortable?

“Fifteen love,” [Chris] said in a strong, clear voice as he set up for his next serve, and Elizabeth sensed that in addition to announcing the score, he was sending her a special message. A message about love…

Ugh, can Liz just get laid already? Maybe then she’d stop being so obsessed with “love.”

The Cover: I will never understand what Lila is doing, but Jessica seems to think it’s pretty funny. Liz (Alice? No, probably Liz.) is wearing an ugly swimsuit and has really bad hair.

Read the rest of this miniseries: Part one, part two, part three, part four.

The Moral of the Story: If he’ll cheat on you, he’ll also steal your money.

The Big Deal: There’s a Mistletoe Madness dance (because it’s Christmas now) but nobody goes.

Synopsis:

So, Jessica doesn’t tell anyone that she just saw Jeremy on the video of the ransom dropoff, and after a few minutes she manages to convince herself it couldn’t possibly have been him anyway. When Jeremy finally shows up around midnight, Jessica gives him a big kiss and they go off to make out somewhere. Later, Liz goes downstairs and finds Jeremy in the kitchen. He asks her why she doesn’t like him and they end up having an argument because the guy is a total jackass.

The next night, Jeremy and Jessica are making out. Jeremy says he doesn’t think he can wait until they’re married to “belong to each other, body and soul.” He says they’ll “go all the way” Friday night, and he’ll scout around for a romantic place for the occasion. While Jessica lays awake that night wondering if she’s ready for that, Jeremy makes out with Sue. She tells him the inheritance money will be in her bank account in ten days. Jeremy figures he can hack into the bank’s computers or something and get his hands on the money, and then he can disappear for good. In the mean time, I guess he’s going to have fun trying to get Jessica to sleep with him.

When Sue overhears a conversation and finds out what Jeremy and Jessica are planning, she realizes Jeremy is doing more than just keeping up appearances with Jessica. She goes to Jessica one night and tells her the truth about everything, including the kidnapping. Jessica is really pissed off at Sue and wants to believe she’s lying, but in the end she cancels her date with Jeremy and tells Liz everything Sue told her. The twins decide to tell detective Sam Diamond the whole story. They can’t get Sam on the phone and don’t want to ask Ned for her home number (because then they’d have to tell him what they know), so they actually for once in their lives decide to go to the police. And you know what happens? The bitch lady cop tells them to stop wasting her time and get the fuck out. And this is how it comes to pass that the Super Twins have to bring Jeremy to justice themselves.

Sue goes to Jeremy’s room at the boardinghouse and for some reason Jeremy decides it’s time to take a shower. While he’s in there, Sue starts kind of going through his stuff. She finds a plane ticket for a flight to Hawaii the following Saturday, which is the same day Jeremy and Sue were supposed to fly to New York together. Then she finds a newspaper clipping. It’s a wedding announcement. It’s a few years old and the groom’s name is Matt Thorn, but it’s clearly a picture of Jeremy. I guess he just carries this proof of his secret identities around with him everywhere? Sue goes home and tells the twins she needs their help taking Jeremy down.

You guys, I can’t tell you how sick I am of Jeremy and Sue. I’m going to finish this book if it kills me.

The Oracle office now has the internet, but it’s just hooked up to some kind of newspaper database. Sue and the twins go up to the school and do a search for Matt Thorn. The only thing that comes up is the wedding announcement. Because I’m sure there’s only ever been one newspaper article about someone named Matt Thorn. They call the woman in the wedding announcement and find out “Matt” stole all her money and disappeared. Liz tells Jessica and Sue that they have to keep up the charade that they both still love Jeremy. I don’t know why they don’t just go to the police now that they have Sue to actually give testimony, but whatever.

Sue’s money is not in her account on the day it’s supposed to be deposited, so she’s sure Jeremy has already stolen it. She and the twins come up with an awesome plan. On Friday, Jessica calls Jeremy and tells him she knows everything but wants to be with him anyway. He tells her he’ll pick her up at eight and they’ll go to the cabin. The twins call Sam Diamond and tell her their plan. Sam shows up in time to wire Jessica and get everyone into her car. They all follow Jeremy and Jessica to the cabin. Oh, and it’s raining. You know, like it does whenever something really momentous is about to happen.

By the time Jeremy and Jessica get to the cabin, the rain has turned to snow. I didn’t realize the cabin was that far away. Sam, Liz, Sue and Todd get lost and then crash Sam’s car, so they’re no longer on Jeremy’s trail. Useless people. At the cabin, Jessica gets Jeremy to confess to all his crimes. He leaves the room for a minute, and when he comes back he catches Jessica trying to use the phone. He assumes she’s going to turn him in, so they have a little scuffle that results in the Christmas tree being knocked into the fireplace and the whole place going up in flames while Jessica lies unconscious on the floor. The funniest part of this is that this apparently abandoned cabin is all decorated for Christmas. Liz and the others finally show up and save Jessica, but Jeremy manages to get away. Not to worry, though. The cops find him and he confesses. I hope we’re done with Sue and Jeremy now.

While all this has been going on, there’s also been a subplot involving Lila and her artist boyfriend. Robby has an art show coming up but hasn’t done any paintings for it yet. Lila is worried so she does a bunch of horrible paintings and hangs them up at the gallery. When Robby shows up with his real paintings, he gets mad but realizes Lila was just being Lila.

Also, Ken Matthews has recently broken up with Terri Adams and has lately been showing a lot of interest in Jessica.

Quotes:

Elizabeth slapped her textbook shut. “Sorry, but I just can’t seem to stop thinking about Sue and Jeremy and the kidnapping.”

Argh, you don’t have to solve every mystery in Sweet Valley.

Jogging over to the house next door, she leaned hard on the bell. Mrs. Beckwith answered the door.

I seem to remember the Beckwiths moving away and the Whitman/Thomas family moving in.

The Cover: Looking at Jeremy running away makes me crack up every time. He looks like he’s doing some kind of traveling version of the Elaine dance. And what the hell is Jessica wearing?

Read the rest of this miniseries: Part one, part two, part three.

The Moral of the Story: Sweet Valley is a town full of morons.

The Big Deal: Another celebratory post-kidnapping party

Synopsis:

When Jeremy shows up at the Wakefields’ house and says Sue has disappeared, Liz is the only one who seems to think they should go look for her. Jeremy gives Jessica some lame excuse about why he was making out with Sue (“She threw herself at me! Honest!”), so Jessica is all ready to forgive him and leave Sue to her fate. Liz convinces them they need to go back to the cabin to try to find her.

When they get to the cabin where the party took place, Jeremy sends Liz and Jessica into the woods. Then he goes up to the attic of the cabin where Sue is waiting for him and tells her to just hold on for a few more hours and the inheritance is theirs. Then he rips off her necklace and goes outside. When the twins come back, he tells them he found the necklace in the woods.

Jeremy goes to the Wakefields’ house the next morning to tell Ned and Alice that Sue has disappeared. He stalls them until the phone rings. Ned puts it on speaker, and they all hear a voice demand half a million dollars (which is the same amount Sue is supposed to inherit) in exchange for Sue’s return, and then it says Sue will die if anyone calls the police. Jessica thinks the voice is familiar, and it’s clear to us that it’s a message Jeremy recorded. Ned wants to call the police regardless of what the kidnapper said, but Jeremy convinces him not to. He can’t, however, convince Ned not to call his detective buddy, Sam Diamond. Then everyone sits down for a delicious blueberry pancake breakfast. Jessica is overjoyed when Alice says the twins won’t be going to school, and she’s annoyed that Jeremy won’t make out with her because he’s so worried about Sue.

Jeremy goes back to the cabin and is furious to find Sue downstairs and not in the attic where he left her. He hollers at her because what if someone came searching for her? He takes her back upstairs and ties her up – just to keep up appearances, you know. Sue starts to wonder if this is really the best way to get her inheritance. And I don’t get this at all. Sue’s mother’s will stated that if Sue stayed away from Jeremy for two months, she’d inherit the money. So why couldn’t they just stay away from each other for two months? Why all this rigmarole? It’s so convoluted.

Sam Diamond shows up and it turns out it’s really Samantha Diamond. This affords the twins the opportunity to argue about women and careers and stuff, and Liz can’t believe Jessica doesn’t have a shred of feminism in her. I think Jessica sees how obnoxious Feminist Liz can be and is running in the other direction. Anyway, this is not the time or place for such a discussion. Everyone tells Sam what’s been going on. When “the kidnapper” calls again, Sam traces the call and is horrified when it comes back as unavailable. Ah, the advent of the cellular phone. The voice on the phone says that because the Wakefields contacted a detective, he now wants an extra thousand dollars added to the ransom and he wants the twins to be the ones to bring it to him.

Sam tells Jeremy and the Wakefields this whole thing must be kept top secret, so of course Jessica tries to tell Lila. She tells her Sue’s been kidnapped and is being held hostage, but she says it with her hand over the phone for some reason. Lila, of course, misunderstands and thinks the whole Wakefield family is being held hostage. And now it’s turned into another episode of Saved by the Bell.

Lila calls Robby and Todd and they decide they need to get into the house somehow and, I don’t know, overtake the kidnappers or something. Instead of just ringing the doorbell, they decide they need a disguise. Robby’s cousin works for Sweet Valley Power, so Robby says he can get uniforms and maybe a sweet truck. Meanwhile, Jeremy and the Wakefields are just hanging out at home. Jessica is getting pissed that Jeremy isn’t paying enough attention to her, so she goes to Steven’s room and steals the ring Steve was going to wear when he married Cara. Jessica gives it to Jeremy and finally gets his attention.

Ned comes back from the bank with the money, and Sam wires up the twins with microphones and sends them off to make the drop, planning to follow behind them. On the way out of the house, Jessica picks up a camcorder, thinking it might come in handy. After they leave, Jeremy tells Ned and Alice he wants to go to the cabin for some reason. He runs out of the house, pulling a ski mask on as he goes. Just then, Lila, Todd, Robby and Robby’s cousin, Sidney, pull up in a Sweet Valley Power truck. They see a man in a ski mask running across the lawn and figure he must be the kidnapper, so they all hop out of the truck and jump him. When they tear off the mask and see it’s Jeremy, they’re all, “Sorry, man,” and let him go. When someone wonders why he’s wearing a ski mask, someone else says it’s probably a Halloween thing. You people are idiots.

Jeremy goes to the cabin and gets Sue, who’s been tied to a chair in the attic for quite a while now. She doesn’t want to go through with the plan anymore but Jeremy yells at her and forces her into the car. When they get to the dropoff point, Jeremy tells Sue he’ll pick her up later at the Wakefields’ house. Sue gets out of the car and Liz puts the briefcase full of money in a phone booth before running back to the Jeep. Jeremy, wearing a long trenchcoat and a big hat, gets the money from the phone booth and takes off. Sam shows up and tells the girls the money was fake.

Sam, Sue and the twins go back to the Wakefields’ house, where they join Ned, Alice, Todd, Lila, Robby and Sidney for cake and ice cream. Ned proposes a toast to the twins and their bravery, and Liz sympathizes with Sue’s being tied to a chair for two days. Then everyone watches the tape Jessica made during the dropoff. Nobody can see anything identifiable about the kidnapper, except Jessica, who notices the man wearing the ring she gave Jeremy.

Quotes:

“Now, Alice,” said Mr. Wakefield, his voice optimistic, “don’t give up hope. Remember when Elizabeth was kidnapped? We were all so worried, and it all turned out fine in the end.”

Yeah, good times, good times.

“He gave me some bread in the morning and some water during the day.”

Mrs. Wakefield gasped. “But that’s torture!” she exclaimed, slicing another piece of cake and putting it on her plate.

I’m starting to think Mrs. Wakefield is a little “special.”

The Cover: So, to go along with the SBTB-esque quality of the plot, we’ve got a Zack Morris lookalike here on the cover, complete with Zack Morris hair and button-down shirt. Poor Sue is still wearing her witch costume from the Halloween party, and we’ve got great big kidnapper hands playing with the totally awesome cell phone. Jessica’s making a total bitchface.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The moral of the story: Werewolves are serious business.

Synopsis:

Of course Jessica’s not dead. The dead blond woman lying facedown in Jessica’s bed is Joy Singleton, fiancé of Sheriff Andrew Thatcher. Joy and Andrew, like Luke and the twins, are spending the weekend at Pembroke Manor. After Liz’s screams, everyone gathers near the doorway to the bedroom. Jessica says Joy wanted to switch rooms with her because she couldn’t sleep with the full moon shining in her window. Robert Pembroke starts ordering his servants to call the constable and shit like that, and Liz can’t stand how bossy he’s being. Ugh, I hate when Liz decides she doesn’t like people. She’s so annoying about it.

For the rest of the morning, Liz follows everyone around being suspicious of them. She questions the servants, Maria and Alistair, and they say they saw someone leaving Jessica’s room around four in the morning but they won’t say who. Liz goes up to the bedroom to look for clues because you know she’s a better investigator than the actual police. She finds a tuft of animal hair and a scrap of fabric caught in the doorway. Luke and Liz, through the process of elimination, decide that one of the Pembrokes must be the werewolf.

Lord Pembroke, who owns the London Journal, has been suppressing stories about the murders, using exaggerated stories about the missing Princess Eliana as a cover. Liz is talking to Jessica and she expresses her dislike for Robert. Jessica gets mad and storms off. Eliana has overheard the argument and tells Liz that Robert, a distant cousin of hers, isn’t so bad. Liz explains what happened at Pembroke Manor and asks Eliana why Lord Pembroke would keep the murder out of the newspaper. Eliana says there was a scandal involving the Pembrokes fifteen or twenty years ago, and Lord Pembroke has been terrified of sullying the family name ever since. Liz vows to find out what that scandal was about.

The next day, Liz pretends to be Jessica and goes to talk to Lady Pembroke, ostensibly as a follow up about her mink coat that went missing last week. She asks if Lady P. has any enemies and says it could even be someone holding a grudge for, oh, say, twenty years. Lady P. gets super pissed, calls “Jessica” ill-bred and kicks her out. Robert calls Jessica later and asks her to dinner because he wants her to get along with his mother. Jessica realizes what Liz has done and wants to kill her. Of course, Jessica thinks Liz was out to sabotage her relationship with Robert.

Liz has lunch with Rene, who has finally come around and stopped being so mad at Liz for not being in love with him. She tells him that she and Luke believe the murderer might be a werewolf. Rene tells her that’s ridiculous, and suddenly Liz doesn’t believe in werewolves anymore. Then she and Luke go see The Howling and then Liz believes in werewolves again.

I hate this book.

Not satisfied that she’s completely ruined Jessica’s love life, Liz decides she’d better pull another twin switch and get back out to Pembroke Manor to talk to Robert’s father. We get a chapter inside Lord Pembroke Senior’s head and find out he, like Luke, is a werewolf scholar. The reason he’s been keeping news of these murders out of the paper is because he knows a werewolf is behind it and he wants to be the one to hunt it down and kill it. The only problem is that he’s worried the werewolf might be his son Robert. Liz-as-Jessica calls to ask if she can come talk to him about his wife’s mink. Pembroke thinks it’s really sweet that she wants to impress him by making the story seem more important than it is. He tells “Jessica” that he’s grateful for the changes she’s brought about in Robert and that Robert loves her very much.

When Liz arrives at Pembroke Manor later, the place is a madhouse. Maria the cook has been murdered in the same fashion as all the other murder victims, her throat torn out. Liz explores Robert’s room and finds a robe matching the scrap of fabric found at the scene of Joy’s murder. The robe has a tear in it. Liz goes to the library and starts to pull a book off the shelf. When she does, a secret door opens onto Lord Pembroke’s secret werewolf room. All the trophies on the wall are wolf heads and all the books are about werewolves. It’s weird. Liz opens one of the books and finds an inscription from someone named Annabelle. Liz decides Annabelle, whoever she is, has something to do with this whole thing. What? Liz snoops a little more, but is interrupted by voices from outside the library. She leaves the secret room and hides under the desk in the library. There, she overhears Sheriff Thatcher telling Pembroke to turn over his evidence and out the werewolf. Pembroke says he will, but he wants to talk to his suspect first. Thatcher gives him until ten o’clock that night. As soon as Pembroke goes away, Liz finds a phone and calls the Journal office to tell Luke what she just heard. Tony Frank tells her Luke isn’t there, and then mentions that Jessica took the day off to go to hang out with Robert. Liz freaks out about her sister spending the day alone with a werewolf.

Jessica and Robert have plans to go to Stonehenge, but they don’t actually make it out there. While Liz was calling Luke, Lord Pembroke was calling Robert to tell him to get out of town for a few days. When Robert picks up Jessica, he takes her to breakfast and tells her he has to disappear for a while. Jessica is depressed and decides to go to Harrod’s, figuring shopping will make her feel better. Meanwhile, Liz starts running all over London looking for Jessica. She goes to the newspaper office and tells Tony Frank everything and says they have to find Jessica. Then Jessica comes in all disheveled. Some hairy creature attacked her and now she’s convinced a werewolf is out to get her.

One of the other kids at the boardinghouse, David, discovers that Lina is really Princess Eliana. David is poor, and he and Eliana have been dating. After his discovery, Eliana says he should claim the million pound reward. Liz and Tony Frank arrange a press conference. After Eliana outs herself to the reporters, Sheriff Thatcher kind of takes over and says there’s a warrant out for the arrest of Sir Robert Pembroke, Junior. Jessica is distraught and decides it’s all Liz’s fault.

This book is horrible.

Quotes:

“Don’t make light of werewolves, Jessica,” Luke said in a quiet voice. “They’re very serious business.”

Best quote of the book.

“Lord Pembroke must be some kind of werewolf fanatic,” [Elizabeth] whispered, more because of the eeriness of the room than out of a fear of being discovered. “How creepy!”

Liz talks to herself a lot in this book. In this case, I can just imagine her considering speaking in a normal tone of voice and then deciding a whisper is more appropriate. I hate Liz.

The Cover: I guess that’s Lina and David being all shocked about the newspaper. I’m not sure, but I think that’s Jessica on the tube platform running away from the “hairy creature” that attacked her.

The Moral of the Story: All the cool stuff in London is within walking distance of wherever you happen to be.

The Big Deal: Summer vacation.

Synopsis:

It’s summer again, but this time, instead of interning at the Sweet Valley News, the twins are going all the way to London to be newspaper interns. Lila throws them a party the night before they leave, and shows the movie An American Werewolf in London. Now Liz is afraid of werewolves. When they arrive at the airport, they get a newspaper and find out Princess Eliana is missing. Everyone is talking about it. The twins take a cab to HIS, Housing for International Students, and Jessica screams at the cabbie that he’s driving on the wrong side of the road. *facepalm*

At HIS, the twins meet their roommates: Lina Smith, a poor but sweet girl who works at a soup kitchen, and Portia Albert, a Lila Fowler wannabe who fancies herself an actress. When Liz and Jessica go down to tea, they’re shocked to see Rene Glize from France. He’s working at the French embassy for the summer.

The twins go to the London Journal office the next morning to find that Henry Reeves, the editor, seems to have forgotten they were coming. A doctor named Cameron Neville has been murdered and Mr. Reeves doesn’t have time for the twins. He dumps them on Tony Frank, who writes the society page. Tony can see they’re not super excited to cover aristocratic tea parties and turns them over to Lucy Friday in Crime. The twins are all excited until Lucy assigns them to Sergeant Bumpo’s beat. Bumpo seems to be kind of a joke, and the first story the twins are assigned is Lady Wimpole’s missing Yorkshire terrier. They go to the Lady’s house and get the story, then over to Essex Street to the scene of the murder. They sneak past all the police officers and hide under a window outside. They look in and see the dead body. The reporters and officers are talking about the murder and they say the man’s throat has been ripped apart. There’s a very handsome man in the room who doesn’t seem to fit in and the twins wonder who he is.

The twins go back to the office, and Liz starts writing up the dog story while Jessica is sent back out on another of Bumpo’s cases. Liz gets asked out by a shy guy named Luke who writes poetry when he should be working on newspaper stories. Jessica gets asked out by Lord Robert Pembroke, the son of a woman who insists her mink coat was stolen. Robert happens to be the son of the very handsome man the twins saw at the murder scene. Lord Pembroke the Elder owns the Journal.

The twins’ dates go smashingly, and when Liz gets back to HIS, she finds a rose on her bed. It’s from Rene. He has also left her a note asking her to dinner the next night. Liz writes back to accept. She is still dating Todd, by the way. That night, all the kids at HIS decide to sneak out to some hip club called Mondo. It’s the happening place to be for all the young famous people. How this ragamuffin crew gets in I’ll never know. When Jessica points out Princess Eliana’s older sister, Lina goes pale and says she has to leave. Liz goes with her and they start walking home. Halfway there, they find a dead dog on the street with its throat ripped out. It’s Lady Wimpole’s Yorkie. Liz notices that the moon is almost full and gets totally freaked out.

When the twins get to the Journal office the next morning, they find Lucy Friday having an argument with Mr. Reeves because her story about the murdered doctor was butchered and moved to the back of the paper. She quits and storms out, so the twins are dumped back on Tony Frank and the society page. Tony has Liz write the update on Lady Wimpole’s dog, and then Luke asks her if she can take the afternoon off to hang out with him. Tony tells her to go, so Luke takes Liz to a wax museum, where she gets freaked out by a wax dummy of a werewolf. Luke gets a little creepy and starts going on about werewolves as if they’re real. Liz doesn’t mind at all and starts thinking she’s been terribly close-minded until this point to not believe in werewolves.

Liz and Luke go to dinner and she tells him all about the dog and the murdered doctor. Luke thinks it sounds like the work of a werewolf. Luke takes Liz home and kisses her goodnight, and then Liz goes inside to find Rene waiting for her. She apologizes for forgetting their date, but Rene is really upset and walks away. Liz is all indignant and acts like Rene is overreacting.

Liz and Jessica go through the newspaper archives and find a story from the previous month about a dead nurse. They think it reads like the snipped version of Lucy’s story about the doctor’s murder. Luke and the twins go to Tony Frank and tell him everything they know about Mr. Reeves suppressing the murder stories. They all go to Lucy’s house and talk to her. Lucy thinks Lord Pembroke Senior has something to do with it all. It just so happens that Lord Pembroke Junior has invited the twins to spend the weekend at Pembroke Manor. Liz invites Luke to come along. They agree it will be an excellent way to find out what the Pembrokes are up to.

In other news, Jessica and one of the other boarders at HIS find a really sparkly and expensive dress in Lina’s closet. Lina is supposed to be poor, so they worry she’s stolen the dress. Liz is fiddling with Lina’s glasses one day. She puts them on and realizes the lenses are just glass with no prescription. Then Liz is telling Jessica she thinks Robert Pembroke sounds like an arrogant jerk (I have no idea why she thinks this), and Lina says Robert’s not so bad. (“I mean, I’ve heard he’s not so bad.”) Meanwhile, all anyone can talk about is this missing princess thing. Hmm…

Portia the snobby roommate has given everyone at HIS tickets to see her play on opening night. Liz goes upstairs to get Lina, but Lina says she can’t be seen going to a fashionable West End theater on opening night of an important play. Liz is confused and Lina has to spell it out for her. Liz finally figures out Lina is really Princess Eliana. The princess wanted to get out and see her city and give something back to the world without the paparazzi watching her. Liz promises to keep her secret.

Everyone else goes to the play, and Portia performs beautifully. Her character is exactly like herself, and Liz realizes the snobby way Portia’s been acting has just been rehearsal for the play. Portia confirms this after the show and now everyone is friends with her.

Luke and the twins go off to Pembroke Manor. Liz takes an immediate dislike to Robert because she’s a judgmental bitch. When Luke introduces himself to Lord Pembroke Senior, the old man gets weird for a second and looks like he recognizes Luke. Later, Luke and Liz go exploring the grounds together and come across some wolfsbane growing near a stream. Liz gets scared and Luke gives her a pendant, saying it will protect her from werewolves. Then they make out. Later, the constable comes to the manor to tell Lord Pembroke that four of his sheep were found with their throats ripped out. Liz and Luke are more convinced than ever that they’re looking at the work of a werewolf. Liz has a nightmare that night about being chased by a werewolf. When she wakes up around dawn, she runs to Jessica’s room and finds her facedown on the bed, dead. Yeah, right.

Quotes:

“I almost forgot about Rene,” [Elizabeth] mused out loud. “We never really got to explore our feelings for each other in France.”

Liz, you have a boyfriend. You always have a boyfriend. If you want to explore your feelings for other guys, you need to stop having a boyfriend all the time.

Either way, [Rene] overreacted. It was a simple mistake, and it’s not like he’s my boyfriend. He doesn’t have any claim on me.

Oh, shut up, Liz.

The Cover: That must be Liz in the blue coat, since she’s the one who spends the whole book being afraid of everything. I guess they’re wearing trenchcoats because that’s what you wear when you’re solving mysteries in London. That wolfman is so unscary. Liz is a wuss.

Synopsis:

It’s Christmastime again. The last day of school before the break, the twins each get Secret Santa candy canes. Jessica’s says, “Happy horrordays, Jessica.” Liz’s says, “I’m dreaming of a red Christmas. Wreck the halls with bloody bodies.” Gross. Liz shows hers to Todd, but Jessica keeps hers to herself. This is Margo’s work, of course. She’s hanging around school, spying on Liz, preparing to take over her life. Liz is supposed to meet Enid in the library at four o’clock, but Margo gets there early with plans to go out with Enid in Liz’s place. Enid, however, recognizes that Margo is not Liz, which is cool, but she thinks she’s Jessica instead, which is not very helpful. It does go to show that Alice is a terrible mother because she totally thinks Margo is Liz when Margo walks into the Wakefield house later and hugs her. Margo then goes upstairs to snoop around in Liz’s room. She finds Liz’s diary and spends the next hour reading. Then Liz comes home and Margo hides in the closet. Liz is pissed that her room has been disarranged. She thinks Jessica did it. She goes into the bathroom and Margo makes her escape. Later that night, Jessica goes to Liz to try to make up again, but Liz just yells at her for snooping through her things and tells her to get out.

Jessica’s boyfriend, James, is tired of spying for Margo. He tells Margo he doesn’t want to do it anymore. She says that’s fine, but that she’ll kill James if he ever speaks to Jessica again. This sucks, because James has fallen in love with Jessica. He hates to do it, but he calls Jessica and breaks up with her. Jessica’s having a rotten week.

The day before Christmas Eve, Margo-as-Liz makes a date with Todd, and then Margo-as-Jessica goes shopping with Lila to get something to wear on her date. Lila thinks Jessica is nicer than usual, and Todd thinks Liz is acting strange. At Miller’s Point, he becomes convinced that it’s really Jessica he’s with, so he ends the date early and takes her home. By the time he gets to the Wakefields’ house, he’s changed his mind and thinks he’s with Liz. He goes home all confused.

Christmas Eve dinner the next night is depressing and confusing for Todd when Liz says she was caroling with Enid the night before, and Jessica morosely says she stayed home all night. Christmas morning at the Wakefields’ is equally depressing, I guess just because the twins aren’t getting along. I can’t really figure out what everyone else’s problem is. A few days later, Ned and Alice leave for San Francisco for the fake meeting Margo set up to get them out of the house.

Margo has been breaking into James’ house and leaving him death threats. He’s worried enough to call Jessica to warn her about Margo and then get the hell out of Sweet Valley, but not worried enough to go to the police or anything. He asks Jessica to meet him at the marina and then he packs a bag. Jessica hangs up the phone, and then the storm raging outside makes the lights go out. She stumbles out into the hall and runs into Margo, who’s hanging around being creepy and listening in on phone calls. She’s super pissed that James betrayed her. She goes back to the boardinghouse to change before she heads to the marina to kill James. When she gets to her room, though, she can tell her lock has been picked. She looks through the keyhole and sees Josh, the brother of the kid she killed in Ohio. He’s found her and has not gone to the police. These fucking kids. Instead of going in her room, Margo pretends to loudly tell someone she’s going to the marina. She runs outside, hides and watches Josh get in his car and head in the direction of the marina.

Liz and Todd are out, but Liz wants to stop at home for a sweater. She walks in and finds Jessica in a tizzy because she can’t find her keys and she’s already late to meet James. She begs Liz and Todd to give her a ride. Liz relents in a bitchy way, and the three of them go to the marina.

James is hanging out on the old pier at the marina when Jessica runs up and hugs him. He tells her everything, and then realizes he’s talking to Margo. She pushes him off the pier just as Todd and the twins come running up, and then I guess she disappears and Josh shows up and it looks for all the world like Josh killed James. I don’t really get the logistics of that, but Todd tackles Josh, who suddenly starts spouting off craziness about a murderer who looks just like the twins.

That night, Jessica has the same dream Liz has been having about a twin with black hair trying to kill her. She wakes up screaming and goes to Liz’s room. Liz is dreaming about the Jungle Prom. She’s been having this dream every night, and she’s getting closer and closer to figuring out what happened. Jessica wakes her up, Liz screams, Steven comes in and Margo spies from the hallway as the three siblings calm each other down. Jessica tells Liz her dream, and Liz says she’s been having the same one.

The next morning, Margo pretends to be Jessica and hangs out with Lila for a while. Lila is having a New Year’s Eve ball and that’s when Margo will kill Liz. While Lila is in the shower, Margo walks around the house. She decides the pool house will be the best place to do it. Later, she hangs around outside the Wakefield house until Steve and Liz leave. She figures Jessica is still asleep, so she goes inside, planning to read Liz’s latest diary entry and then leave. Jessica is awake and Margo is thrown off guard, so she’s kind of rude. Jessica is hurt and goes off to the living room. A few minutes later, Todd shows up and leaves with “Liz.”

Poor Josh has been in jail for a few days and he decides he needs to get out there and take care of Margo, law be damned. He pulls the sick prisoner gag and punches out the guard who comes to take a look at him, and then he escapes.

On New Year’s Eve, Liz is taking a nap before getting ready for Lila’s party. She has a dream about the Jungle Prom and wakes up knowing that Jessica spiked her punch that night. She does not question the fact that this knowledge came to her in a dream, she just goes ahead and decides she hates Jessica. Meanwhile, Jessica suddenly can’t live with the guilt of having spiked Liz’s drink and she wants to confess.

At Lila’s, Liz is talking to Enid when she sees Jessica heading in her direction. Liz makes an excuse and runs off, losing Jessica in the crowd. Enid tells Todd Liz went upstairs to the bathroom, but Todd finds both bathrooms empty. He finally finds Liz in one of the guest bedrooms. He wants to go back down to the party, but when Liz says, “We can have our own party right here,” Todd knows something is wrong. It’s clearly not Liz, but “even Jessica wouldn’t go this far.” He demands to know who he’s talking to. Margo hits him with some statue or something and knocks him out. Then she knocks on the door of Lila’s bathroom, where she somehow knows Liz is hiding out, and pretends to be Jessica. Through the door, she says that she wants to talk and will meet Liz at the pool house.

After finding out their whole trip was a hoax, Ned and Alice decided to go home early, but have been having one hell of a time getting back to Sweet Valley due to canceled plane rides, delayed train rides and a crappy rental car. When they finally get into town, Alice’s mother’s intuition tells her they need to go to Fowler Crest. At about the same time, Steve and Billie are watching the news at the Wakefield house and find out Josh escaped from jail. They think they need to go to Fowler Crest. Josh himself is already there, spying.

Liz goes to the pool house and Margo comes out of the shadows. Liz knows it’s not Jessica because Margo is 1.) wearing the same dress Liz is and 2.) holding a very large butcher knife. She does an Evil Villain speech and tells Liz all about her plan. Just as she’s about to bring the knife down, Jessica runs in and puts herself in front of the blade. All three girls wrestle for the knife. Jessica gets it and gets ready to strike, but suddenly can’t tell which one is her real twin. Then Margo leaps forward and gets the knife again. Jessica once more throws herself on top of Liz to protect her.

Outside, Steven tackles Josh and tells Billie to call the police. Then Todd comes outside and says Josh isn’t the killer, it’s a girl who looks like the twins. Everyone goes into the pool house and Josh slams into Margo and knocks her into the window. Margo goes through the window, taking a shard of glass to the jugular while she’s at it. A few hours later, Margo’s body is gone, the cops are listening to Josh’s story and believing it, the twins are friends again and Alice is happy to be with her girls and probably feeling a little smug that her mother’s intuition was correct.

Quotes:

“Now, I’ve told the Beckwiths and the Egberts that we’re going out of town, and if you need anything, you can call them.”

I thought the Beckwiths moved away. It was, like, last week. Annie and Cheryl moved into their old house.

[James] had no hard evidence that she’d committed any crimes or that she intended to commit any…

You mean aside from the note she left (the one where she threatens to kill you) when she broke into your house?

The Cover: This image comes from The Closet*.

Okay, up there is a sad Christmas morning with depressed twins, and Margo looking in the window like mother-in-law deer. Down there, mostly covered up by the bar code, must be Todd getting knocked the fuck out. And then there’s Liz and Margo. Margo’s all, “I have to spit,” and Liz is all, “Hey, don’t I know you?” The expression on Liz’s face and her body language really take away from the vibe I imagine I’m supposed to be getting from the creepy lightning in the background.

*The Closet is apparently no longer active.

Synopsis: Ugh, why isn’t this miniseries over yet? I’m sick to death of the twins being in this fight and Margo being insane. Just get it resolved already.

Elizabeth: Things have gradually been getting better between the twins, and one day they actually speak to each other and finally make up. Hooray! Not for long, though. Liz goes to Jessica’s room one night for something and finds the letter Todd wrote two weeks ago while Liz was still on trial for manslaughter. She can’t believe Jessica would betray her and keep the letter (uh, dead boyfriend, Liz). She storms into Jessica’s room the next morning and yells at her. Liz goes to Todd’s that night and gives him a big kiss. Things are back to normal and it suddenly doesn’t matter that he cheated on her with her twin sister. Olivia Davidson and her new boyfriend, Harry, are having a costume party, and Liz and Todd decide to go together.

Jessica: Jessica is still dating James and she thinks he’s in love with her. James, on the other hand, is getting freaked out. Margo is acting weirder every day, and James starts to think twice about telling her everything he learns about Jessica. Besides, James is starting to care about Jessica. They decide to go to the costume party as Cinderella and Prince Charming. Jessica plans to wear a pair of earrings James gave her, but at the last minute puts on a pair she got from Sam. When Jessica comes downstairs to meet James that night, she’s shocked to see Liz wearing a nearly identical costume.

Winston: His parents are out of town for a week and Winston is looking forward to being a teenage slob. Then an awful neighbor comes over and shoves her eight-month-old baby at him. She says she suddenly has to catch a plane and she’ll be back tomorrow night. For some reason, he thinks he shouldn’t tell anyone what’s happening, so when Maria comes over the next day, Winston hides the baby in a closet. For real. It doesn’t matter, because Maria hears the baby crying and helps Winston out. He still doesn’t tell his parents, though. The baby’s mother doesn’t come back the next night, or the next. Winston has been skipping school to take care of Daisy, but the third day, he decides to go back. He puts the baby in a duffel bag and takes her with him. This whole thing is so Saved by the Bell. To be honest, I started to just skim this storyline when I got to the part where Winston tries to hide the baby from Mr. Belding Mr. Cooper.

Margo: Even though she hates children and usually ends up killing them, Margo gets herself a job at a daycare center. She talks to James every night, and makes him tell her exactly what Jessica will be wearing to the costume party, right down to the earrings. Then she makes sure she has an identical costume. Margo is at work one day when Winston comes in and tells her about Daisy and asks for some advice. Margo recognizes Winston as Liz’s date at the Fowler wedding.

The outcome: Liz feels out of sorts at Olivia’s party so she goes outside for a walk in the garden. She senses someone watching her, and then Jessica comes out of the shadows. She doesn’t say anything before going inside to the party. Liz is freaked out when she sees Jessica’s rhinestone earrings; she was sure she saw Jessica wearing the pearls Sam gave her. Jessica is standing by herself when someone grabs her. It’s Josh, the brother of the little boy Margo killed in Ohio. He’s been trying to find Margo all this time and he’s tracked her to this party. Unfortunately, Margo and the twins are all dressed alike. After he grabs Jessica, she screams and a crowd gathers around, including another princess who looks like Margo. Josh is super confused.

The next day, Margo shows up at Winston’s house and cheerfully demands that he go out and do something relaxing while she watches Daisy. Winston is a fucking moron and just leaves the baby with a complete stranger. Margo immediately starts freaking out as soon as Winston is gone. The baby starts crying, so Margo dumps her in a crib upstairs and starts pounding on its bars. The doorbell rings, and Margo answers it to find Liz. Margo is totally insane, so she just slips past Liz and runs away. Liz follows the sound of the screaming baby, trying to remember where she’s seen the weird girl before. She finally remembers a dream she had in which a Jessica with black hair was going to kill her. That’s right, Liz is a psychic.

Maria shows up and Liz leaves, but she tells Maria it’s important she talk to Winston as soon as possible. Of course, Winston fails to call Liz before he and Maria go off to give Daisy to Margo, who has promised to hand the baby over to Social Services. When he gets back to his house, he finds Daisy’s mother waiting for him. (There’s some explanation for why she’s been gone for a week without communication, but I can’t be arsed to sort through it.) They all hop in the car and hurry back to the daycare center, where they rescue Daisy from Margo, who was clearly about to smother her with a pillow. It’s clear to me, anyway. Not to Winston.

To put the final part of her dastardly plan in motion, Margo writes a letter to Ned. She claims to be with some kind of consulting group or something and wants to talk to him. She’s rented a room in San Francisco for Ned and Alice for two nights.

Party costumes:

• Olivia and her boyfriend, Harry – Leonardo da Vinci and Mona Lisa (winners in my book)
• Steve and Billie – Mickey and Minnie Mouse (winners in actual book)
• Bruce and Pamela – a sultan and a harem girl
• Rosa – wears her witch costume from Macbeth
• Lila and Tony Alimenti – Scarlett and Rhett
• Robin Wilson – a mime
• Winston, Maria and Daisy – Lucy, Ricky and Little Ricky
• Annie Whitman – a gypsy
• Enid – Amelia Earhart

Quotes:

[Elizabeth’s] new blue maillot looked great – sexy, but in an understated way. Enid sighed…

The whole first chapter seems to be nothing but Enid telling Liz how great she looks.

Elizabeth opened her mouth to tell Maria everything, but she stopped herself. She didn’t know for sure that the curly-haired girl had done anything wrong. She would tell Winston, certainly, but it wouldn’t be right for her to spread rumors that could hurt somebody’s reputation.

Well, you kind of know that she left a screaming baby with a complete stranger without saying a word. What kind of reputation do you think this chick has?

The Cover: Aw, Liz and Todd look cute for once. Margo looks like she’s showing this kid some crazy dance, but kid has to pee and doesn’t feel like dancing. I have no idea who that kid is supposed to be. Just a daycare client, I guess. Hey, look at the bulletin board. Do you think Olivia painted those?