Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: Boys are idiots.

The Big Deal: Party at Todd’s

Synopsis:

The cops show up and break up the rumble. The Sweet Valley guys run off to another abandoned warehouse Bruce found for them to hide out in. Before they leave the scene, though, Ken sees the guy who beat him up say something to Jessica. He’s sure it’s some kind of crude remark, but of course it’s just Christian telling Jessica to meet him at the beach the next morning. She does and they decide they can never see each other again.

On Monday, Mr. Cooper holds an assembly and lays out some new rules, one of them being that nobody is allowed to wear school colors to school anymore. The guys get all upset and refuse to obey, taking to rebelliously wearing SVH t-shirts under their sweatshirts. You tell ‘em, boys. Predictably, Liz joins the “task force” Mr. Cooper is putting together. The task force will work to promote peace between the schools. Todd can’t believe Liz is against him. Liz can’t believe Todd is being such a jackass. She’s sure they’re going to break up any day because her friend from Palisades, Caitlin, just broke up with her boyfriend over this whole war thing. Liz feels bad for Caitlin, so she invites her and her friend Marla to come along with her to a party at Todd’s. Enid tries to tell her it’s a bad idea, but Liz is having none of that. Sure enough, nobody will talk to the Palisades girls and Todd yells at Liz. That was pretty freaking stupid.

Jessica finally tells Liz that she’s been learning to surf but asks her to keep it a secret. Jessica and Christian manage to stay away from each other for two whole days, but then meet at the beach again. They start making out and just can’t stop. Liz notices Jessica isn’t at school and worries that she’s drowned or something. She finds Ken, tells him what’s going on and they go to the beach to find her. Liz finds them first, but Christian manages to run away before Ken can see him. It doesn’t matter though, because a few days later, Ken overhears the twins talking about the guy Jessica has been seeing.

The boys decide it would be a good idea to slash the tires on some of the Palisades guys’ cars. Winston is seen and the guy threatens him. Winston spends most of the book wishing he could stand up to Bruce and whining that he has no choice but to do these stupid things. He gets a call one day from Todd telling him there’s going to be a special meeting at the abandoned warehouse. Winston thinks Todd doesn’t sound like himself, but assumes he’s just pissed about something. He ditches Maria and takes off.

Ken is sitting in his car, spying on the Wakefields’ house that night. He sees Todd and Liz leave, and after a while he sees Jessica get into the Jeep. He follows her to the beach, where she gets out and hops into another car. Then he follows the other car to a restaurant. He goes inside just in time to see Jessica and Christian totally making out because they apparently can’t even keep their hands off each other long enough to eat a meal. Ken threatens Christian and then tells Jessica he never wants to see her again. He jumps in his car and leaves. Jessica tells Christian they need to follow him.

Todd and Liz go to the Dairi Burger. Maria is there and she asks Todd what happened to the guys’ meeting. Todd says there was no meeting and now everyone is worried about Winston. Todd figures the Palisades guys must have found their warehouse hideout and told Winston to meet them there. Todd calls the rest of the guys and takes off with them. Liz calls the cops. She and some of the other girls follow Todd.

At the warehouse, the Palisades guys are beating the crap out of poor Winston. Then the Sweet Valley guys show up and it turns into another rumble. When the girls get there and see what’s going on, they start screaming. Ken, Christian and Jessica get there just as the cops do. Most of the guys quiet down, but Todd doesn’t seem to notice the cops and just keeps pummeling the guy he’s on top of. As the cops are putting him in the squad car, Liz says something to the cop about it all being a mistake, she only called them so they could break up the fight. Uh, Liz? Sometimes this is how they break up a fight. Todd overhears and is super pissed that Liz is the one who called the police.

Ugh, to be continued…

Quotes:

“But they’re not going to be safe even if they stay in Palisades,” Bruce growled. “I say it’s time to carry the battle back to their home turf.”

Aaron jumped to his feet. “Justice,” he shouted. “That’s all we’re after!”

“Justice,” Ken repeated, his voice ringing strong and clear in the cavernous warehouse.

And then they all broke into a song and dance number.

“Slash their tires?” Elizabeth repeated, gaping at Maria…It was bad, far worse even than Elizabeth had imagined.

What did you imagine that was so much better than some slashed tires?

I can’t do it, Jessica thought. But I have to do it. I’m still Ken’s girlfriend.

You are allowed to break up with him, you know.

“Hi, Olivia,” she said, waving to Olivia and her boyfriend, Rod Sullivan. “Hi, Rod.”

I thought Olivia broke up with Rod and eventually started dating some guy named Harry.

The Cover: This is the Cover of Bad Hair. Christian is probably the ugliest person I’ve ever seen on an SVH cover, and that’s certainly saying something. Todd’s greaser look is ridiculous. The leather jacket doesn’t suit him, and besides, it’s the Palisades guys who are supposed to be wearing leather. The SVH guys wear jean jackets. Duh.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Real friends will try to talk you out of getting a jumpstart on your career.

The Big Deal: Frat party

Synopsis:

The last book ended with Zach and Jessica at a restaurant and Magda about to catch them together, which is bad because Magda wants Zach and Jessica wants Magda to like her so she’ll get into the sorority. This book starts with Jessica acting insane and dragging Zach to the ladies’ room. She insists there’s a raging fire in the restaurant and convinces Zach they need to climb out the bathroom window. They do so, and Zach thinks Jessica is just so awesome and wild. Jessica is sure she’s falling in love, so she decides she’s going to stay with Liz at SVU.

Liz calls Todd and tells him she’s not coming home. Seriously? Like, you’re just going to stay at the college? I don’t think you can just, you know, do that. If nothing else, you should probably go home for some clothes or something. Oh, and hey, maybe you should talk to your parents. Anyway, Todd is basically traumatized: “Todd Wilkins let the phone fall with a clatter, his face as white as a sheet…He felt as if he had been punched in the stomach.” He goes driving around to all the places he and Liz love the most, conjuring up all these memories, acting like Liz is dead. When Ken hears from Jessica and learns she’s also going to stay at SVU, he and Todd decide they’re not going to stand for it. They get all the twins’ friends together, pass out some flyers that say “Operation Wakefield Twins” (I’m not making that up) and come up with some elaborate plan to get the twins to come back. It’s basically the same reverse psychology plan the twins used on Steve when he wanted to quit school and work on a boat. So everyone calls the twins and tells them how awesome things are going to be when they’re gone. For instance, now Lila will be the most popular girl in school and Enid will be the smartest. Oh, and Ned and Alice are looking forward to taking that long trip to Europe they’ve always talked about.

Liz hates her internship. The editor-in-chief, Mr. Petherbrook, is a lecherous perv who keeps eyeing Liz’s legs and calling her “honeybunch” and shit. He also won’t give her any real newspaper assignments and just keeps asking her to make copies and get him coffee. Liz finally snaps, tells him off and walks out. So much for your internship.

Suddenly the twins are starting to rethink their decision. Liz has no internship and Jessica finds out she wouldn’t be able to join the cheerleading squad until the following year. They both miss their boyfriends. Of course, these are just the first seeds of doubt. They still totally plan to stay. Besides, there’s a big frat party being given by Zach’s fraternity and Jessica is determined to go. The only problem is that Magda is going to be there. Jessica doesn’t want Magda to see her with Zach, so she browbeats Liz into a really stupid twin switch.

Liz goes to the party dressed all slutty, which means everyone thinks she’s Jessica even though this is a party where she doesn’t know anyone. Jessica goes dressed more conservatively than usual, but she only wants Magda to think she’s Liz. She still wants to be Zach’s date as Jessica.

Operation Wakefield Twins involves everyone driving up to SVU. Steve and Billie are in on the whole thing and they let the gang into their apartment while the twins are at the Zeta party. They’re hanging banners and blowing up balloons when Ken suddenly realizes Jessica wouldn’t want to stay at SVU just for Liz. He deduces there must be another guy involved. He and Todd decide to crash the Zeta party and see what’s going on. When they get there, they look in a window like the creepers they are and see “Jessica” looking bored while “Liz” dances happily with some guy. Todd gets all emo and says he’s going home, but Ken convinces him he should fight for his chick. They decide to go in, but they don’t get past the bouncer.

Liz notices the commotion at the door and runs into Todd’s arms. He’s confused and then relieved that it’s not his girlfriend who’s dancing with some other guy. Then the bouncer throws him outside. Ken’s pissed, so he taps Jessica on the shoulder and asks what her deal is. She tries to say it was a blind date, which upsets Zach, so he’s all, “But what about our love?” and Ken’s all, “But what about me?” and Jess is all, “You’re tearing me apart!” Ken leaves, and just when things couldn’t get any worse, Magda comes up to Jessica (who she still thinks is Liz) and tells her she can have Zach because he’s only a junior in high school, “Just like you.” Jessica and Zach yell at each other for a minute and then decide the whole thing is hilarious. Then Jessica says she’s got to go and find her boyfriend.

The twins leave the party but don’t see the boys anywhere. They go back to Steve’s apartment where they find a surprise party waiting for them. All their friends are there to wish them luck and say goodbye. They put on some slideshow highlighting awesome high school times. Todd comes in with chips and soda and stuff. He tells Jessica Ken’s in the car. She runs outside and makes him stop the car. She jumps in and they have a talk and of course Ken forgives her for everything. They go back inside and the twins decide they would really be much happier if they decided to forget this whole college thing.

Quotes:

“SVU is only two hours away from Sweet Valley, after all.”

Why? Why is Sweet Valley University two hours away from Sweet Valley? That doesn’t make sense.

Just then a big blond guy walked by with a shaggy sheepdog by his side. He did a double take as he passed Jessica, tripping over the dog’s leash and stumbling to the ground.

Because she’s just that hot, folks. But isn’t it funny that these things never happen to Elizabeth?

Enid Rollins’s mouth dropped open.

Olivia Davidson’s eyes bugged out.

Winston Egbert dropped his fork with a clatter.

“Elizabeth’s not coming back?” they exclaimed in unison.

Oh, fuck off, all of you.

Elizabeth took a quick look in the mirror and stared at herself, aghast…She had never shown so much skin in her entire life.

Don’t you go to the beach – in a swimsuit – like every day?

The Cover: I don’t remember either twin taking any classes in this book, so I don’t really know what’s up with the blonde in the classroom. I think the guy with glasses is Liz’s nerd friend, Ian, which means the other guy is probably Zach. SVU’s color is purple, I guess.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: All males who go to college are sexy.

The Big Deal: Party at Steve’s

Synopsis:

Well, the twins are off to their College Adventure. For some reason, Ned and Alice thought it would be totally okay to pull the twins out of school for a week and send them to stay with Steve and his girlfriend, Billie, at Sweet Valley University. As expected, Liz is all about preparing for her college future while Jessica just wants to party. On the way to Steve’s apartment, Jessica decides she’s going to throw a big bash that night. She invites a bunch of guys at a minimart and tells them to bring their friends. Steve and Billie are going out of town for the night. Billie forgot when the twins were coming and she booked a night at a bed and breakfast for her and Steve. Jessica thinks that’s great because now she doesn’t have to tell Steve about her party.

The twins go exploring the campus. Liz joins some people who are sitting around discussing Ralph Ellison’s Invisible Man (because that’s what brainy college students do) and Jessica meets some sorority girls who are doing their nails and talking about boys (because that’s what sorority girls do). Jessica invites everyone she meets to the party and can’t believe Liz isn’t doing the same.

The party is a disaster or a success, depending on which twin you ask. It gets out of hand and someone brings in a keg, and then the police show up and make everyone leave. On the upside, the twins meet a couple of guys. Jessica tells her guy, Zach Marsden, that she’s a transfer student from Princeton and that Liz is actually her younger sister. She does not mention Ken. Liz meets Ian and actually tells him the truth about Todd and high school and all that jazz.

Jessica starts going out with Zach every night and going to some of his classes with him. She also spends a lot of time pre-rushing Theta Alpha Theta, the sorority Jessica’s new friends belong to and also Alice’s old sorority. One of the girls, Magda, tells Jessica she really likes a guy named Zach Marsden and intends to get him. So now Jessica is torn. She doesn’t want Magda to find out about her and Zach, but she doesn’t want to stop seeing him. Oh, how difficult it must be to have Jessica Wakefield’s life. She decides to do nothing, and the next time she goes out with Zach, Magda walks into the restaurant. Jessica is sure this means she’ll be blackballed from the sorority. Oh, dear.

Liz is all excited to go with Ian to his journalism class because the professor is Felicia Newkirk, “the first woman to break into the male-dominated White House press corps.” This woman is like Liz’s hero, so it’s really upsetting when she gets into an argument with her during the class. I’m not sure why, something about Liz being interested in television journalism and Felicia accusing her of being just a pretty face. Whatever. Felicia gets bored with Liz and moves on. She announces an essay contest and Liz vows to win it and prove herself to Felicia. She stays up all night writing some obnoxious thing about binge drinking on college campuses. She feels like she has firsthand knowledge on the subject since she just threw a kegger a couple nights ago.

OF COURSE she wins the contest. The prize is having Felicia edit the essay for publication in a national magazine, and also an internship with the university’s “nationally distributed newspaper.” Why does the whole nation need to know what’s happening at Sweet Valley University? Anyway, Felicia suggests that Liz take her high school equivalency test and get to work at SVU. Liz decides that’s what she’s going to do. Right.

Quotes:

“Jake!” another male voice called out. “Are you bothering this fine specimen of womanhood?”

Jessica turned, thrilled to see a second gorgeous guy with mocha-brown skin and a flattop approaching the Jeep.

“Lay off, Phil. I spotted her first!” Jake said, putting an arm around Jessica’s shoulders.

Jessica is hot enough to make complete strangers argue over her.

Being popular was the last thing Jessica Wakefield would ever have to worry about.

Oh, and she’s popular, too.

Steven and Billie had decided to do the unthinkable – forgo their afternoon classes to spend a romantic afternoon in their apartment.

How scandalous. Don’t hurt yourself over there on the wild side, guys.

Why didn’t I think of that before? Elizabeth admonished herself. I have firsthand knowledge of one of the most important issues facing college students today: alcohol.

Liz, freaking out because a couple guys brought a keg to your brother’s apartment hardly qualifies as firsthand knowledge about alcohol.

The Cover: There is something really wrong with blond guy who must be Zach. His shoulder area is all messed up. Ian looks like an even nerdier version of Winston Egbert, if that’s even possible. Jessica looks cute, but Liz looks like crap.

The Moral of the Story: Anyone prettier than a Wakefield must be evil.

The Big Deal: Beach barbecue, party at Amy’s, party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

After yet another win for the Sweet Valley High football team, the whole gang gathers at the Dairi Burger, where everyone congratulates Jessica and the other cheerleaders on what a great job they did leading the team to victory. Everyone gets quiet when a really pretty girl walks in, orders some food and leaves. As soon as she’s gone, everyone starts talking about how beautiful she was. Jessica hates the girl instantly and hopes she never sees her again. Later, at a celebratory party on the beach, Ken and Jessica start making out. Liz sees them and does not approve. She’s all jealous and wonders if she still has feelings for Ken.

When Jessica gets to school on Monday, she finds out the pretty girl from the Dairi Burger is a new student. Her name is Heather Mallone and everyone besides Jessica is immediately in love with her. When Heather says she wants to be on the cheerleading squad, Jessica decides to come up with a bunch of tests she’ll have to pass. On Tuesday, Heather has to sit with the chess club geeks at lunch (they help her with her homework and become friends with her). On Wednesday, she has to wear overalls and a cowboy hat to school (everyone tells her how great it is that she wears what she wants and that she can really pull off “that grunge look that’s so in style these days”). On Thursday, she has to sing the national anthem in homeroom (she has a beautiful voice and everyone wants to hear her sing more songs). After all that, the squad puts it to a vote and Jessica tries really hard to convince everyone Heather shouldn’t be on the squad. Nobody listens to her.

Liz is still freaking out about the Ken situation. She goes to Mr. Collins for advice, using the old “my friend has a problem” bit. Mr. Collins says Liz’s “friend” needs to resolve her feelings for the guy, but Liz just isn’t sure how to do that. She goes to the beach and finds Robin there. Robin is upset because her father got a job transfer to Denver and the Wilsons have to move. When the rest of the squad finds out, they take a vote and make Heather the new co-captain while Jessica sits there sputtering in protest.

Liz can’t get over this whole thing with Ken, so she tries to make Jessica paranoid about him, implying that he might not like her as much as she thinks. Jessica dismisses everything Liz says. Amy throws a going away party for Robin, and Heather shows up and starts flirting with Ken. Jessica “accidentally” knocks Heather into the pool. Liz watches Ken and Jessica dance and gets jealous. God, she’s obnoxious.

Jessica comes down with a fever and has to miss a cheerleading practice. Maria calls that night crying because Heather kicked her and Sandy off the squad. Jessica is sure the other girls won’t stand for this, but Heather has them brainwashed into thinking she can take them to nationals if they’ll just do everything she says. Heather introduces a new diet and exercise regime. She says the girls have to jog three miles every day, lift weights for an hour every day and cut all fat out of their diets. Anyone caught eating fat will be kicked off the squad. Jessica can’t believe the rest of the squad goes along with this.

Liz sits at home Friday night looking through her secret cigar box full of treasures. In this box is a framed picture of Liz and Ken kissing in a photo booth. Liz is mooning over it and being all sad when Jessica comes home. She tries to tell Liz all about her awesome date with Ken, but Liz freaks out and leaves the room. Confused, Jessica lies back on Liz’s bed and finds the picture under the pillow.

The next day is a big football game, and Jessica is horrified when the cheerleaders start doing a cheer she’s never seen before. She yells at Heather and tells everyone she quits. Ken drags her out for ice cream later and tries to get her to go to the party Lila’s having, but Jessica is upset about the squad and about Ken kissing Liz, so she asks him to take her home. While Liz is at the party, Jessica snoops around until she finds Liz’s diary. She reads all about Ken and gets all upset that Ken and Liz had “an affair.”

Quotes:

“She’s certainly creating a big stir,” Helen Bradley said…

I thought Helen Bradley moved to L.A. a long, long time ago. Didn’t Amy Sutton move into Helen’s old house?

“As you know, I’m not crazy about Jessica…”

This is the second or third time Todd has said something like this. Methinks he doth protest too much.

“As you know, I don’t usually pay much attention to cheerleading, but I did notice that the crowds were more enthusiastic than usual at yesterday’s game.”

Shut up, Liz. Something about this quote just irks the hell out of me.

The Cover: I really kind of love Heather for putting her pom in front of Jessica’s face.

Read the rest of this miniseries: Part one, part two.

The Moral of the Story: If he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you.

The Big Deal: Halloween party

Synopsis:

After stopping Jeremy from marrying Sue, Jessica hides out at Lila’s house. The day after the wedding, Jeremy gives Jessica a ring and asks her to marry him. Then he says he has to go to Costa Rica for a month to take care of some business. Jessica is upset, and she gets even more upset when Liz calls her at Lila’s and says Ned and Alice think Jessica has gone too far this time. They’re thinking of sending her to a boarding school in Washington state.

Liz has been spending her time taking care of Sue, who now has tranquilizers to help her cope. Sue tells Liz that Nancy, her very wealthy mother, never liked Jeremy and cut Sue out of her will when Sue refused to quit seeing him. Now Sue’s mother is dead, Sue is penniless and she doesn’t even have Jeremy anymore. Then one day, Alice gets a registered letter. It turns out there was a stipulation in Nancy’s will. Sue was only cut off if she stayed with Jeremy. If she stays away from him for two months, she will get her inheritance. Sue seems totally surprised by this news.

It appears to be the beginning of a school year, which is weird, but whatever. Sweet Valley High is instituting a new math program called Go Math. GO stands for Girls Only. Apparently, studies have shown that girls don’t do as well at math as boys do, so Go Math is an experimental program that segregates the math classes. Liz is outraged by the whole thing, but as the weeks pass, she realizes everyone is actually doing better in math, including her. She writes a series of articles about the program, and of course the Sweet Valley News picks them up. In other Liz news, she doesn’t like Todd’s muck-stache. Todd doesn’t realize his attempt at facial hair is totally lame and pathetic and he seems to think he’s really hot shit. He starts calling Liz “babe,” which she hates, and he twirls his mustache a lot when Liz gets mad at him. They eventually break up over the stupid mustache. Oh, you stupid kids.

After a while, Sue tells the Wakefields that she’s really over Jeremy, so Ned and Alice tell Jessica to come home. Her first night back from Lila’s, Jessica announces at dinner that she and Jeremy are engaged. The next day, Sue overdoses on her tranquilizers and Jessica’s parents set up a meeting with the headmaster of the boarding school. Jessica misses Jeremy and is frustrated that he’s never around when she calls. Lila tries to tell her that maybe Jeremy isn’t that into her, but Jessica refuses to believe that. Then Amy shows her a film she shot on the beach for a school project, and Jessica sees a couple in the video that looks just like Jeremy and Sue. Amy tells her she only shot it two weeks ago, so it can’t be them.

Sue confesses to Liz that she lied about having a “rare blood disease” to keep Jeremy from leaving her. Liz is shocked, but thinks she understands. Then there’s a scene of Sue making a phone call, but we don’t know who she’s calling. She talks about what a “total drag” it was to have her stomach pumped. She makes plans to meet whoever she’s talking to. So now we know there’s something weird going on with Sue.

Jeremy finally comes back to town, but he acts kind of distant and weird. He does tell Jessica that Project Nature, the company he works for, is throwing a big Halloween bash and the whole Sweet Valley High gang is invited. At the party, Liz and Todd finally make up, so don’t worry about them, folks. Jessica can’t find Jeremy anywhere and she starts to think about all kinds of things about him that don’t add up, like the fact that he wouldn’t let her wait while he got on his plane to Costa Rica and the fact that he was never once there when she called him. She wanders outside and finds him making out with Sue. What a jackass. Liz takes Jessica home, and a little while later, Jeremy comes to the door. He’s all freaked out because Sue has “disappeared.”

To be continued. Ugh, won’t this Jeremy/Sue story arc ever end?

Quotes:

In a sense she felt as if Jessica was willing to leave Elizabeth forever to be with Jeremy. It was one thing to stay at Lila’s until a scandal blew over – it was another to commit yourself to a man and be ready to run off with him. Leaving Elizabeth behind. As though they were just regular sisters. Not twins at all.

Liz, what do you think is going to happen when you guys actually do get married? Are you going to share a bathroom for the rest of your lives?

“You’re our daughter and we love you. We’ll always love you no matter what. But we’re very worried about you. We’re worried about the decisions you’ve been making lately. The whole thing with Jeremy and Sue – it doesn’t seem like you.”

The fact that Alice is surprised by the “thing with Jeremy and Sue” just goes to show how much she pays attention to her kids.

“So now it all comes out. You hate my mustache, you hate my haircut, you hate what I call you…Kids at school think my mustache is hot, this is a totally radical haircut, and maybe I just won’t call you anything from now on. As in, I won’t be calling you at all!”

Oh, Todd. This is a totally radical breakup speech.

The Cover: As you can see, Jeremy and Jessica are Aladdin and Jasmine for Halloween. Sue and Jeremy look like they’re having some trouble; Sue looks mad because their hats keep crashing and they can’t kiss properly.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: It’s totally okay to ruin someone’s life. Your love life is way more important.

The Big Deal: Barbecue party at the beach, bridal shower for Sue

Synopsis:

The last book ended with Jessica and Jeremy making out at an engagement party for Jeremy and Sue. This book starts with Liz finding them and telling them Alice wants to give a toast. The twins argue, and Liz is convinced Jessica has a love addiction and needs to be stopped. Both Steve and Enid tell her that trying to control Jessica is a stupid idea. Jessica and Jeremy keep sneaking around and Liz keeps trying to stop them. Liz’s self-help books tell her Jessica’s love addiction is a disease, so she’s sure there must be some way she can help.

One day, Sue gets some test results back and finds out she has the same rare blood disease that killed her mother. The doctors say she’s got two or three years to live. She tells Liz she wants to call off the wedding. Liz tells her to reconsider. Then she tells Jessica she has to stop seeing Jeremy because it’s wrong to “deceive a dying woman.” When Jessica finds out about Sue’s disease, she feels like she caused it somehow because “Jessica had thought in the past that she had psychic powers” and she wanted Sue out of the way so badly. When Sue tells Jeremy about her disease, he promises to stay with her until the end.

Todd finally gets back from his grandmother’s house and Liz is determined to tell him about Luke. Before she can tell him, Todd says he met a girl who lived next door to his grandmother. They had a fling, but it was really nothing; Liz is the only one he cares about. Liz gets angry and breaks up with him. Then she annoys Enid and Olivia with all her self-help mumbo jumbo. She tells them she ate too much cake from the engagement party and that’s a sign that she has no self control.

Meanwhile, Lila’s been dating Jeremy’s friend, Robby. Robby pretended to be rich so Lila would like him, but finally came clean. Now Lila is worried Robby only likes her for her money. She tells him a story about her parents being servants for the Fowler family. Robby gives her a passionate kiss and Lila worries her plan will backfire and Robby will actually like her better poor. In the end, she tells him the truth and is relieved when he says he loves her no matter how much money she has.

Now that Jeremy knows about Sue’s disease, he feels like he shouldn’t see Jessica anymore. Jessica isn’t giving up, though, and she starts tagging along on all of Jeremy and Sue’s dates. Liz, trying to keep Jessica from doing something stupid, also tags along. At a cookout on the beach, Jessica gets all emo and walks away. Sue, who is amazingly oblivious through this whole thing, gets worried and sends Jeremy after her. Jessica is just about to kiss him when Liz and Enid show up to drag them back to the party.

The night before the wedding, the twins have a shower for Sue. The girls start talking about Jeremy’s bachelor party and everyone except Sue wants to crash it. They all go over to Robby’s place and Liz seems disappointed that there are no strippers for her to disapprove of. Robby’s idea of a bachelor party was to cook a gourmet meal, so all the guys are grateful when the girls show up. Steve and Todd are there for some reason, and Steve tells Liz how sorry Todd is for his fling. Liz decides to stop being so obnoxious. She makes up with Todd and tells him about Luke. Then she decides to stop trying to control Jessica.

At the wedding, Jessica can’t stand it anymore. She shouts that Jeremy can’t marry Sue because he doesn’t really love her, he loves Jessica. Sue faints, the priest leads Jeremy away and everyone is pissed at Jessica.

Quotes:

“I’m slowly rediscovering myself and learning why I let myself lose control so it doesn’t happen again. And that’s why I think you should read this book about love addiction so you don’t lose control with Jeremy.”

Argh, shut up, Liz!

It was totally out of character for her to have done something like falling in love with another guy.

Right.

The Cover: Those dresses are hideous. All of them. Jeremy looks more evil than bastardly, like he’s planning to kill Sue after the ceremony. And Sue looks like this horrible girl I used to know, so I automatically hate her.

The Moral of the Story: No man can resist a Wakefield.

The Big Deal: Party at the Wakefields’ house

Synopsis:

The twins are hanging out at the beach with Lila and Enid, telling them about London. Liz is acting all depressed about Luke, so Jessica drags Lila away to walk along the shore. They start talking about boys and just when they both declare they’re ready for serious relationships, Jessica gets hit in the head with a stray Frisbee. The guys it belongs to are, of course, the most gorgeous men alive. The slightly less attractive one introduces himself as Robby and wants to buy Jessica a soda to make up for the bump on her head, but she and the other guy are too busy staring at each other. Robby and Lila go away, leaving Jessica and her Adonis to profess their love for each other. Jessica thinks she hasn’t felt this way since Sam died. They kiss, and then the guy says this is all wrong, even though it totally feels like they’re supposed to be together. He goes away and Jessica wants to die. She doesn’t even know this guy’s name.

Jessica is heartbroken when she gets back to Liz and Enid at the beach. Liz laughs at her until Jessica says not even Sam made her feel like this. Liz and Enid are shocked, but Liz thinks she can help Jessica sort through her feelings. Ever since the guy with whom she was cheating on her boyfriend turned out to be a serial killer, Liz has been reading a self-help book about relationships to figure out where she went wrong.

When the twins get home, Alice tells them she got a letter from Sue Gibbons, who is getting married soon and wants a California wedding. Sue’s mother, Nancy, was Alice’s college roommate and best friend. Nancy has died recently, and Alice wants to invite Sue to stay with the Wakefields for a month or so while she plans her wedding. When Sue gets there, Liz spends most of her time passing judgment on Sue’s preferences about the wedding. She can’t believe Sue wants to register for expensive gifts, she thinks the ring Sue picks out is too big and she actually chastises Jessica for suggesting Paris as a honeymoon location because Sue and her fiancé, Jeremy, work for a conservation group or something and Liz thinks they should go educate people in Costa Rica on their honeymoon. I hate Liz.

It’s been a week since Jessica’s mystery man left her on the beach and she’s still just as miserable. Everyone is getting ready to meet Jeremy and Jessica is trying to put on a brave face even though she’s destined to a life of loneliness. Then Jeremy shows up, and Jessica is shocked to discover that Sue’s fiancé is her mystery man. They pretend they don’t know each other, but everything he says just proves to Jessica that he was meant for her. Jessica takes Jeremy to the mall the next day so he can buy Sue’s ring. He wants to guess which ring Sue picked, and he naturally picks the one Jessica likes. That night, Sue says Jeremy is taking her to the Carousel, Jessica’s favorite restaurant. Jessica wants to make Jeremy jealous, so she calls every guy she knows, but Bruce is the only one home. She says a friend is on a blind date and she promised to keep an eye on things. At the restaurant, Jessica is pleased to see Jeremy is jealous of Bruce.

Todd’s been out of town this whole time, visiting his grandparents. Liz is taking the opportunity to turn into one of those obnoxious feminists who talk about empowerment or whatever. Todd calls one day and Liz tells him all about how she and a bunch of other girls went to Enid’s to “really explore my own sense of womanhood” because she got so shook up in London. Todd offers to help, but Liz says it’s a girls only thing. Of course, Todd gets upset and hurt. Shut up.

Alice is supposed to take Jeremy to the caterers to meet Liz and Sue, but she has a meeting come up at the last minute and asks Jessica to take him. Jessica directs him to Miller’s Point instead, where they kiss again. Then Jeremy pulls away and says he’s marrying Sue. Jessica gives up and points him to the caterers, where Jeremy and Sue argue over whether they should serve chicken or lobster.

The twins go with Sue to pick up the dresses. They’re going to be bridesmaids, which irks Jessica to no end. On the way to the car, Sue says something about her “bridal underthings” for the wedding night. It’s too much for Jessica and she “accidentally” throws Sue’s wedding dress under a passing truck. Luckily, it’s not damaged, just dirty, and Alice tells Jessica she has to pay to have it cleaned. Liz knows Jessica is depressed that night, so she drags her to a Primal Woman seminar, where women write their own “herstory” and choose new names for themselves. Liz calls herself Runs-with-the-Wind. Jessica thinks the whole thing is stupid and says she’ll just be Jessica, like Madonna or Cher.

Jessica has the house to herself and she calls Jeremy to come over, ostensibly so he can meet Sue and go to the florist. When he gets there, he mentions trying on his tux to see if it goes with Sue’s dress. Jessica tells him to put it on, then runs upstairs to put Sue’s dress on. Then she and Jeremy have a talk. He tells her he really does love her, but he’s made a promise to Sue and he has to go through with the wedding. After he leaves, Jessica realizes the zipper on the dress is stuck. She rips it trying to take it off, but Liz is able to mend it.

The Wakefields throw an engagement party for Sue and Jeremy. Sue says Jeremy and Jessica should dance together, so they do. Jeremy just about loses his mind at how awesome Jessica looks. He says he needs to be alone with her, so she takes him behind some hedges and they start making out.

Just so you know, Jeremy is twenty-three.

To be continued…

Quotes:

“I love weddings. But isn’t eighteen awfully young to be getting married?”

Mrs. Wakefield nodded. “I imagine that, because of her mother’s illness and untimely death, Sue’s probably feeling a little lost. One way for her to feel secure again would be to get married and have her own family.”

And we’re just going to let her do that? Do we really think that’s healthy?

“People don’t make mistakes all the time. Women do. Women constantly make mistakes about men.”

“If Sue were really strong within herself, maybe Jeremy wouldn’t be attracted to other women.”

So, basically, Liz’s book has taught her that everything that goes wrong in relationships is the woman’s fault.

The Cover: I guess that’s supposed to be Sue looking for her cheating fiancé who’s kissing Jessica behind that tree, but doesn’t she kind of look like she’s trapped in the house and she’s trying to get someone’s attention? And isn’t it strange that the room she’s in appears to be totally empty?

So, it’s become painfully obvious that I am unable to keep up with daily posting. These newer books are longer than the older ones and even more convoluted and horrible. I think that for now I’m going to go with trying to post one miniseries every week, stuffing in Super Thrillers and Magnas wherever they go. So for now, I’m promising at least three posts every week. I have enough stockpiled to last us a while, but I’d rather space them out and make them last.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: You should just stay in bed when Mercury is in retrograde.

The Big Deal: Winston and Maria throw a barbecue beach party. It’s a total snooze.

Synopsis:

Jessica and her friends are all about the zodiac right now, and Mercury rules Gemini and is in retrograde, which basically means that anything Jessica tries to do is going to go wrong. (Yes, the twins are Geminis. What else would they be?) This is bad news because she’s supposed to be trying to get Bruce’s parents back together. She asks Bruce what his parents’ zodiac signs are and decides to write a love letter to Marie from Hank. Disaster strikes when she goes to mail the letter: for plot convenience, Jessica decides to mail the letter from the corner mailbox instead of the Wakefields’ very own mailbox. As soon as she drops the letter in the box, she realizes she forgot to stamp it. She reaches in to try to get it out, but her bracelets get stuck and she can’t get her arm out. Just then, two cars pull up. One is driven by a hot new senior named Michael Hampton. The other is a police cruiser. The officer tells her he’s taking her to the station for tampering with the mailbox, but she says she’s stuck. Michael gets out of his car, assesses the situation and manages to get Jessica unstuck. Jessica, embarrassed, tells him she’s Liz. Ned has to pick her up from the police station.

Liz gets home from a date with Todd later that night and the family has a meeting. For throwing a party while their parents were out of town the previous week, both twins are grounded. For living with her boyfriend, Liz has to do all the chores while she’s grounded. The twins go upstairs to try to come up with a new plan for Bruce’s parents since the letter plan didn’t work. I guess it’s too much trouble to just write a new letter. Jessica, Liz and Bruce plan to meet at lunch the next day, but Jessica doesn’t show up. As they pass Jessica’s locker on their way to their next classes, they hear someone shouting for help. Jessica has locked herself in her locker. They get her out, and then Jessica notices Michael watching her. Totally embarrassed again, she turns to Liz and loudly calls her Jessica before running off to class.

Bruce and the twins meet at the Dairi Burger after school and Jessica devises a new plan while spilling her milkshake everywhere. The Patmans are meeting with their lawyers the next morning, so Jessica comes up with a way to get them together without the lawyers present. Bruce and Liz leave, and Jessica sees Michael sitting alone at another table. She sits across from him and starts babbling on about sports and cheerleading, then she orders an espresso and talks with a British accent. Michael leaves. Jessica is confused. On his way home, Michael thinks about “Liz” and how cute and clumsy she is. Michael is from the east coast, so that means he doesn’t play any sports and is used to a more conservative environment. Girls like Jessica make him nervous.

Bruce picks up the twins at five o’clock the next morning and they go to the Traceys’ house. Martin and Jan Tracey are the Patmans’ lawyers, and to get them out of the way, Jessica and Liz put Krazy Glue on their ignition locks. Both cars are unlocked, of course. As a disguise, Jessica is wearing one of her mother’s scarves and one of Bruce’s jackets. The next step is to go to the Traceys’ office during study hall and put the Patmans’ wedding album out where they can see it. Jessica gets stuck in the elevator. The Patmans start to bond in the waiting room and Hank says he was never having an affair with Alice. Marie believes him and agrees to go out to brunch. She asks him if he still has the scarf that goes with the jacket he’s wearing. Having mixed up his coat with Bruce’s that morning, Hank reaches into his pocket and pulls out a scarf that says “Alice” all over it. Marie freaks out and runs away.

Liz gets flowers from Michael, and the card attached mentions her clumsiness. Liz understands everything at once. Instead of just telling Michael what Jessica’s been doing, she goes to Michael posing as an extra aloof version of herself. Michael gives her a ride home and she acts totally calm and together. At home, Liz runs inside and then runs out a few minutes later dressed as Jessica. She pretends to trip on her way to the Jeep. Then she sees Michael, so she turns to the house and loudly yells, “Bye, Jessica!” Michael, thinking he’s caught her in the act, figures out that Jessica has just been posing as Liz to hide her embarrassment.

Jessica’s next plan for the Patmans is to fill Marie’s new house with flowers. She picks goldenrods because Bruce says gold is her favorite color. Turns out Marie is allergic to goldenrods. She ends up in the hospital. While she’s there, Jessica puts her next plan into motion. She gets a mini cassette recorder and tells Liz to record Alice talking about the reasons she broke it off with Hank back in the day. Liz does it and lets Jessica deliver the tape. Unfortunately, Jessica accidentally delivers the test tape she and Lila made on which it becomes clear Jessica is the one who has been interfering with the Patmans’ lives.

The last plan before Hank and Marie sign the divorce papers is a trip down memory lane. Bruce and the twins find a bunch of slides from the Patmans’ honeymoon and love letters and junk, and they set everything up in the “screening room.” Bruce has arranged for Hank and Marie to meet him and the twins at seven o’clock the next night.

Everything is a disaster, of course. Jessica is taking a bath and gets her toe stuck in the faucet. Liz comes running in when she screams for help. She gets Jessica’s toe out, but the doors have gotten stuck, so now they’re stuck in the bathroom. Meanwhile, Bruce is on his way home with a rented slide projector when he gets a flat tire. His spare is also flat, so he’s waiting on the motor club when his mother arrives at the Patman mansion. When Bruce and the twins finally get there, they find Hank and Marie kissing on the loveseat.

Michael finally ends up asking Jessica out, but they have a horrible time because Michael is an even bigger klutz than she is. Bruce gets back together with Pamela.

Quotes:

“Your mother’s right,” agreed Mr. Wakefield. “As a family, we’ve never believed in meddling in other people’s private affairs, and I don’t think this is the time to start.”

What family does Ned think he’s part of?

Elizabeth had saved up for a laptop computer and had given Jessica her old word processor.

Could a sixteen-year-old really save up and buy herself a new laptop in March of 1994, especially if she had no job and only an allowance?

The Cover: The twins are hard to tell apart here because neither one is wearing a watch or barrettes, but I’m going to guess Liz is the one comforting Bruce by patting him on the shoulder. Jessica looks bored, and I swear Bruce looks just like that guy from That Thing You Do.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: You might think you love someone else, but you’re really supposed to stay with your first love forever and ever and ever.

The Big Deal: Pool party at the Wakefields’ house

Synopsis:

At breakfast one morning, Alice announces she and Hank Patman are going to Chicago again for a week. Liz drags Jessica upstairs and tells her Alice and Hank used to be married and are now having an affair. Jessica wants to just go show the wedding photo to Alice and ask her about it, but Liz doesn’t want her to for some reason.

Todd’s parents are still in Yosemite for another week, Ned is leaving town to go to a seminar or something, and now Alice is going to Chicago. With all four parents out of town, Todd thinks he should move in with Liz. Liz asks Jessica if it’s okay with her, and Jessica says sure, if they do all her chores and make her dinner every night.

As soon as Liz and Todd get “home” after school on Monday, Liz gets a call from Bruce and tells Todd she has to borrow his car and rush right over to the Patmans’ house. When Jessica gets home, she decides it’ll be fun to freak Todd out. She tells him the whole story about Hank and Alice and makes Todd worry that Liz and Bruce are “comforting each other.” In fact, Liz and Bruce are in the Patmans’ attic looking for more old stuff. They find a love letter from Alice to Hank, and then they find Alice’s wedding and engagement rings. After two hours, Liz suddenly remembers that Todd exists and she hurries home to make it up to him.

The next night, Todd wants to have a romantic evening with Liz, but she reminds him they have to do laundry because it’s Jessica’s turn. And I guess the laundry has to be done on Tuesdays or else. Todd thinks it’ll be fun to go to the new “videomat” where they can watch a movie while they do the laundry. Liz overdoses on espressos and acts like she’s drunk, and Todd puts too much detergent in the washer and makes a huge bubbly mess.

The next morning, Bruce shows up at the Wakefields’ house before school. Liz kisses Todd on the cheek and says Bruce is going to give her a ride because he has to talk about something really important. Bruce tells Liz his mother is moving out and he’s really upset about it. Bruce also gives Liz a ride home that afternoon and they go up to the Wakefields’ attic to try to find more stuff. They find a school paper from when Hank and Alice were in college, and there’s an article that details Hank’s heroic food drop. Liz and Bruce simultaneously come to the conclusion that they need to take a trip to the college to find out more about what Alice and Hank were like back then, and maybe they’ll be able to “understand what’s motivating them now.”

Liz has been sort of avoiding Todd because having him at the house is a little too much. Todd wants to fix things, so he goes shopping and comes home with groceries to make a romantic dinner. When he gets to the house, Liz and Bruce are sitting around eating cookies in their swimsuits. Liz says she invited Bruce to stay for dinner, and they go outside while Todd starts cooking. Later, Liz and Todd have a fight and Liz explains she just feels sorry for Bruce. They join Bruce and Jessica in the living room. Bruce sees a note next to the phone and says, “Room four forty-four, that’s my dad’s room.” The twins are all, “No, that’s our mom’s room….Wait a minute!” Jessica thinks it’s just a mistake and wants to call the hotel to make sure, but Liz won’t let her. Why? Oh, I just hate her.

Bruce and Liz sneak off the next day to visit the university. They don’t really find anything useful, but they do make googly eyes at each other and have the exact same thoughts: “If my mother/father could fall in love with Hank/Alice, then it’s not crazy for me to fall in love with Bruce/Liz.” On their way back to Sweet Valley, they see a car broken down on the side of the road. It just so happens to be Todd. They stop to pick him up, and Liz gets all indignant when Todd seems upset that she’s with Bruce. Everyone goes to the Beach Disco that night, and Liz dances with Bruce the whole time. The next day, Bruce and Liz both feel bad and decide to focus more on their relationships with Todd and Pamela.

On Saturday, Todd and the twins are preparing for a totally awesome pool party they’ve decided to throw that night. Then Bruce calls and Liz invites him to go shopping with them. Todd has had enough and blows up at Liz, and she gets all mean and tells him he can just stay home if he doesn’t want to go shopping with Bruce. So he does. I don’t know why he just doesn’t go back to his own house.

At the party, Pamela notices the way Bruce looks at Liz, and she asks him if he has feelings for her. Bruce admits that he does, and Pamela runs off. Bruce goes inside and finds Liz in the kitchen. They start talking about their parents and how much everything sucks, and then suddenly they’re making out. They don’t stop until they notice Todd in the doorway. Bruce goes outside and Todd is pissed. Liz makes it all about her, though, and gets angry when Todd won’t give her the benefit of the doubt. Ugh.

Todd leaves to go driving around to let off steam. He comes to the conclusion that the problems with Liz are partly his fault and he shouldn’t have overreacted when he caught Liz and Bruce together. What?! Your girlfriend was making out with another guy! Todd decides to go back to the party and “really listen” when he talks to Liz.

Pamela comes up to Liz outside and tells her that she and Bruce just broke up, so Liz is free to be with him. Liz thinks about her feelings and decides that since Bruce kissed her and she willingly kissed him back, she must be falling in love with him. Jeez, these kids have a funny definition of love. Liz is upset and confused and she decides to get in the pool. She bounces way too high on the diving board. I guess she hits her head on the bottom or something because she doesn’t resurface. Jessica screams for someone to help her, and Todd just so happens to be coming back from his drive. He jumps in the pool and saves Liz.

Todd takes Liz up to her room, and suddenly Alice comes home. She’s pissed about the party, but also about Todd’s duffel bag in the hallway and his shaving kit in the bathroom. She tells Liz she’s disappointed in her, and Liz accuses Alice of sneaking around with Hank Patman. Instead of being totally pissed off, Alice tells Todd to go find Bruce, and then she has a little story time. She tells the kids about her engagement to Hank and how she left him at the altar. She also explains that room four forty-four is a two bedroom suite at the hotel and she is absolutely not having an affair with Hank Patman. So now everyone’s happy except for Bruce, whose parents are still splitting up. Jessica decides to try to get them back together.

Quotes:

Lila snorted. “They are just so out of it. Don’t they know playing house is totally uncool?”

Oh, how I love Lila.

“We’ll call the hotel and ask. It’s as simple as that.”

Elizabeth grabbed the receiver from Jessica’s hand and slammed it down. “We can’t do that,” she whispered. “We just can’t.”

Jessica doesn’t argue and they just allow themselves to get worked up when they could just call the damned hotel.

The Cover: Todd, you need to find some pants and stop shaving your legs. Also, your breakfast is burning.

Synopsis: Ugh, why isn’t this miniseries over yet? I’m sick to death of the twins being in this fight and Margo being insane. Just get it resolved already.

Elizabeth: Things have gradually been getting better between the twins, and one day they actually speak to each other and finally make up. Hooray! Not for long, though. Liz goes to Jessica’s room one night for something and finds the letter Todd wrote two weeks ago while Liz was still on trial for manslaughter. She can’t believe Jessica would betray her and keep the letter (uh, dead boyfriend, Liz). She storms into Jessica’s room the next morning and yells at her. Liz goes to Todd’s that night and gives him a big kiss. Things are back to normal and it suddenly doesn’t matter that he cheated on her with her twin sister. Olivia Davidson and her new boyfriend, Harry, are having a costume party, and Liz and Todd decide to go together.

Jessica: Jessica is still dating James and she thinks he’s in love with her. James, on the other hand, is getting freaked out. Margo is acting weirder every day, and James starts to think twice about telling her everything he learns about Jessica. Besides, James is starting to care about Jessica. They decide to go to the costume party as Cinderella and Prince Charming. Jessica plans to wear a pair of earrings James gave her, but at the last minute puts on a pair she got from Sam. When Jessica comes downstairs to meet James that night, she’s shocked to see Liz wearing a nearly identical costume.

Winston: His parents are out of town for a week and Winston is looking forward to being a teenage slob. Then an awful neighbor comes over and shoves her eight-month-old baby at him. She says she suddenly has to catch a plane and she’ll be back tomorrow night. For some reason, he thinks he shouldn’t tell anyone what’s happening, so when Maria comes over the next day, Winston hides the baby in a closet. For real. It doesn’t matter, because Maria hears the baby crying and helps Winston out. He still doesn’t tell his parents, though. The baby’s mother doesn’t come back the next night, or the next. Winston has been skipping school to take care of Daisy, but the third day, he decides to go back. He puts the baby in a duffel bag and takes her with him. This whole thing is so Saved by the Bell. To be honest, I started to just skim this storyline when I got to the part where Winston tries to hide the baby from Mr. Belding Mr. Cooper.

Margo: Even though she hates children and usually ends up killing them, Margo gets herself a job at a daycare center. She talks to James every night, and makes him tell her exactly what Jessica will be wearing to the costume party, right down to the earrings. Then she makes sure she has an identical costume. Margo is at work one day when Winston comes in and tells her about Daisy and asks for some advice. Margo recognizes Winston as Liz’s date at the Fowler wedding.

The outcome: Liz feels out of sorts at Olivia’s party so she goes outside for a walk in the garden. She senses someone watching her, and then Jessica comes out of the shadows. She doesn’t say anything before going inside to the party. Liz is freaked out when she sees Jessica’s rhinestone earrings; she was sure she saw Jessica wearing the pearls Sam gave her. Jessica is standing by herself when someone grabs her. It’s Josh, the brother of the little boy Margo killed in Ohio. He’s been trying to find Margo all this time and he’s tracked her to this party. Unfortunately, Margo and the twins are all dressed alike. After he grabs Jessica, she screams and a crowd gathers around, including another princess who looks like Margo. Josh is super confused.

The next day, Margo shows up at Winston’s house and cheerfully demands that he go out and do something relaxing while she watches Daisy. Winston is a fucking moron and just leaves the baby with a complete stranger. Margo immediately starts freaking out as soon as Winston is gone. The baby starts crying, so Margo dumps her in a crib upstairs and starts pounding on its bars. The doorbell rings, and Margo answers it to find Liz. Margo is totally insane, so she just slips past Liz and runs away. Liz follows the sound of the screaming baby, trying to remember where she’s seen the weird girl before. She finally remembers a dream she had in which a Jessica with black hair was going to kill her. That’s right, Liz is a psychic.

Maria shows up and Liz leaves, but she tells Maria it’s important she talk to Winston as soon as possible. Of course, Winston fails to call Liz before he and Maria go off to give Daisy to Margo, who has promised to hand the baby over to Social Services. When he gets back to his house, he finds Daisy’s mother waiting for him. (There’s some explanation for why she’s been gone for a week without communication, but I can’t be arsed to sort through it.) They all hop in the car and hurry back to the daycare center, where they rescue Daisy from Margo, who was clearly about to smother her with a pillow. It’s clear to me, anyway. Not to Winston.

To put the final part of her dastardly plan in motion, Margo writes a letter to Ned. She claims to be with some kind of consulting group or something and wants to talk to him. She’s rented a room in San Francisco for Ned and Alice for two nights.

Party costumes:

• Olivia and her boyfriend, Harry – Leonardo da Vinci and Mona Lisa (winners in my book)
• Steve and Billie – Mickey and Minnie Mouse (winners in actual book)
• Bruce and Pamela – a sultan and a harem girl
• Rosa – wears her witch costume from Macbeth
• Lila and Tony Alimenti – Scarlett and Rhett
• Robin Wilson – a mime
• Winston, Maria and Daisy – Lucy, Ricky and Little Ricky
• Annie Whitman – a gypsy
• Enid – Amelia Earhart

Quotes:

[Elizabeth’s] new blue maillot looked great – sexy, but in an understated way. Enid sighed…

The whole first chapter seems to be nothing but Enid telling Liz how great she looks.

Elizabeth opened her mouth to tell Maria everything, but she stopped herself. She didn’t know for sure that the curly-haired girl had done anything wrong. She would tell Winston, certainly, but it wouldn’t be right for her to spread rumors that could hurt somebody’s reputation.

Well, you kind of know that she left a screaming baby with a complete stranger without saying a word. What kind of reputation do you think this chick has?

The Cover: Aw, Liz and Todd look cute for once. Margo looks like she’s showing this kid some crazy dance, but kid has to pee and doesn’t feel like dancing. I have no idea who that kid is supposed to be. Just a daycare client, I guess. Hey, look at the bulletin board. Do you think Olivia painted those?