The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Nothing exciting.

Synopsis:

Sarah Thomas is working on a history project with Liz and Amy, and for some reason she feels the need to constantly state that she hates weekends. If anyone mentions the weekend, Sarah makes sure that person feels awkward about it. Nobody can figure out what her problem is.

Sarah’s dad has to leave town for a week on business and he leaves Annie, his fiancé, in charge of Sarah. The second his car is out of the driveway, Annie gets a phone call. She tells Sarah it was one of her old neighbors on the phone to tell her that Annie’s little sister is sick and she should come take care of her. So Annie takes off, saying she’ll be back the following day. Two days go by before Annie calls to say she’ll be gone until Saturday. Annie told Sarah not to mention anything to her father, so Sarah pretends Annie is in the shower whenever her dad calls and she doesn’t tell anyone what’s going on. She’s not sleeping because she’s too scared to sleep in the house alone, and she gratefully accepts when Liz asks her to a sleepover at her house for Friday night.

Janet Howell tells Jessica she wants her advice about what to do for the Unicorns’ next party. She comes over to the Wakefield house and seems disappointed that Steven isn’t there. She manages to bring up Steven’s name over and over, but Jessica doesn’t even notice because she’s feeling so special about Janet wanting her advice. Jessica finally figures out that Janet is only hanging around to get a glimpse of Steven. She gets pissed and tells Janet maybe she’ll resign from the Unicorns. So now Janet’s not speaking to Jessica, and Lila’s mad at her because she’s jealous of all the time Jessica was spending with Janet. But don’t worry, it only takes two pages to get all that resolved and then Jessica’s life is back on track.

By the time Friday night rolls around, Sarah is half dead from sleep deprivation and she falls down the stairs and passes out. When Liz, Amy and Mr. Wakefield arrive to pick her up and nobody answers the door, they look in the window and see Sarah in a heap at the foot of the stairs. Ned breaks a window to get inside. After making sure Sarah’s alive, he calls the paramedics. He also finds out where Mr. Thomas works, and a call to his company reveals that he’s in Texas.

Ned and the girls go to the hospital with Sarah and after a while Sarah’s dad shows up. He doesn’t understand why Sarah was alone in the house and he makes some phone calls. He finds out that bitch Annie doesn’t even have a little sister. Then Annie herself comes running into the ER waiting room acting like she cares, but Mr. Thomas tells her to fuck off. Annie leaves and then Sarah’s dead mother’s sister waltzes in out of nowhere and says she knew something like this would happen and that Sarah should go live with her.

But no, Sarah tells her aunt she wants to stay with her dad and nobody seems to care that a twelve-year-old girl just spent five days living by herself. Everyone has a great time at the Unicorn luau that Jessica and Janet planned.

Quotes:

Making Janet think she was mature and sophisticated was hard work!

The “hard work” consisted of Jessica ordering cherry cola (when she really wanted lemonade) and nachos (instead of popcorn) because that’s what Janet ordered.

“The whole world doesn’t revolve around you, Lila Fowler.”

“That’s a nice thing to say! Some friend you are!”

Unicorn friends should never let on that the world doesn’t revolve around other Unicorns.

The Cover: I’m pretty sure I had a lion just like that.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Party at Kimberly’s

New Kid with a Problem: Dylan McKay, loser

Synopsis:

Three super important things are happening in the lives of the Wakefields. 1. Steven has some kind of sports banquet coming up. *yawn* 2. Liz is all excited about an essay contest. *double yawn* 3. Jessica wants to go to Kimberly Haver’s upcoming birthday party but she’s still grounded because of last week’s shenanigans. Her parents have been thinking she might have been grounded long enough, but then they get the kids’ report cards and decide Jessica could do with another two weeks. Jessica schmoozes herself into a “probation period” and if her grades haven’t improved in two weeks she’ll be regrounded.

Liz overhears an argument between the cute and popular new kid, Tom McKay, and his awkward older brother Dylan. Tom would like Dylan to get involved in stuff at school, but Dylan doesn’t feel like there’s any point because he sucks at everything. Dylan is actually a pretty good writer and he’s been working on a piece for the essay contest, but he gives up when he hears some kids talking about how great Tom’s essay is.

There’s a schoolwide project everyone has to do, that thing where students have to create a business. Liz is determined to be nice when Dylan McKay is assigned to the group she’s in, but he’s unfriendly and shoots down all Liz’s suggestions about contributions he could make. Tom is in Jessica’s group and he’s all excited about Jessica’s idea to start a boutique. When Dylan sees how much fun the other group is having with Tom, he gets even crabbier and pretty soon nobody wants to talk to him because he’s acting like a jerk. That makes him even more crabby and he decides it’s all Tom’s fault. He starts a fight in the cafeteria and punches Tom in the nose.

Liz’s group is going to publish a book of students’ writing, and she puts Dylan on typing duty. When Liz gets home that night, she finds Dylan’s essay mixed in with the other papers. She thinks it’s great and she calls Dylan to tell him it has to be postmarked today or it won’t be counted. Dylan tells her to throw it away. Liz can’t bring herself to do that; instead, she gets her mom to drive her to the post office so she can mail it herself.

Everyone in the seventh grade gets invited to Kimberly Haver’s party. Except Dylan. This is the last straw; he’s going to run away. He goes to the bus station, but realizes he can’t afford a ticket. Then Jessica (who is at the bus station for some dumb contrived reason) sees him and he makes up a lie about seeing an aunt in San Francisco. Jessica loses interest almost immediately, but Dylan decides to wait until next Friday. Everyone will be at Kimberly’s party and nobody will even notice Dylan is gone.

When Friday rolls around, Liz finds out Dylan actually won the essay contest, but he’s nowhere to be found. The Scooby gang gets together: Kimberly says she “forgot” to give Dylan his invitation, Jessica says she saw Dylan at the bus station, Tom says there is no aunt in San Francisco, and Liz puts it all together and she and Tom run off to the bus station. They find Dylan about to get on a bus to Los Angeles and they pull him out of line. Dylan whines about how everyone likes Tom better than him and he’s such a loser who’s not good at anything, so Liz tells him he won the essay contest. With his newfound confidence, Dylan goes to the party and has a grand time because everyone wants to hear about his awesome essay.

Quotes:

“We’ll probably need to construct a booth or something. How are you in wood shop?”

Dylan shook his head, still refusing to meet [Liz’s] eyes. “Terrible. The only thing I ever managed to do in wood shop was almost cut off my finger,” he told her glumly. “The teacher would hardly let me near the tools after that.”

The Cover: Liz looks like she’s messing with a hearing aid or something, and Tom just looks confused. His left hand is clawing at his back pretty intensely.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Birthday party for Mary

Synopsis:

Mary Robinson is feeling down. Her long lost mother went and married this Tim Wallace guy and Mary feels left out. But for some reason she’s going around telling all her friends that Tim is this rich architect who buys her presents and is designing a mansion for her and her mom. He’s not. He’s a handyman who just bought a tugboat.

The twins can tell something is bothering Mary. She rushes straight home from school every day, her grades are falling and – worst of all! – she keeps missing Unicorn meetings. The Unicorns have a special lunch meeting just so Mary can be there, but Mary has gone home to have lunch with her mom. Janet decides to continue the meeting after school and if Mary’s not there, she’s kicked out of the Unicorns.

Mary manages to make it to the Dairi Burger for the meeting, and she’s mortified when her mom and stepfather walk in. Tim pulls up a chair and starts talking to the Unicorns. Mary fakes a stomach ache when he starts talking about the tugboat (Mary’s been telling everyone it’s a yacht). Mr. and Mrs. Wallace take Mary home and try to think of some way to make her feel better about things. They decide to throw her a surprise birthday party on the tugboat. So now they’re spending even less time with Mary because they’re always heading off to the harbor to fix up the boat. And Mary’s friends are always talking about the party, and they shut up whenever Mary comes near.

Mary tells Liz she’s afraid nobody likes her anymore, so Liz spills the beans about the party. Mary’s pretty happy until Liz tells her the party is going to be on the boat. Oh, no. She’s sure nobody will want to be her friend when they see her stupid tugboat. The day before the party, Mary fakes another stomach ache so she can leave school early. When her mom and Tim don’t seem overly worried about her, Mary decides the best thing to do is run away. But as soon as she walks out the door, she trips over her bike and hurts her arm. Tim comes outside to investigate, sees Mary’s arm is hurt, and offers to carry her inside. Because she can’t walk with an injured arm? Tim promises he won’t tell Mary’s mom that Mary was running away, and Mary decides she trusts him and it’s okay with her if he adopts her.

Now that she’s discovered what a nice guy Tim really is, Mary guesses she ought to go to the damn party. She shouldn’t have worried, of course. All her friends think it’s super cool that her family owns a tugboat, and everyone thinks Tim is dreamy when he takes out his guitar and sings a song he wrote just for Mary, and then all the songs from the Unicorns’ current favorite movie.

Quotes:

Elizabeth frowned. She missed spending long Sixers work sessions with Mary, the two of them typing and laughing for hours on end.

I keep picturing Liz and Mary laughing insanely while they type. Reminds me of Hyperbole and a Half’s Internet Forever.

[Tim] took out his guitar and sang a simple melody about love and trust. Each verse talked about building love like a house, adding room after room until the house had turned into a castle. The chorus was, “There’s always room for more love.”

Barf. We get more lyrics later on: “Love takes time, love takes work, but now my love castle is finished, and my princess can move in.” Ew.

The Cover: Mary looks exactly like the twins, and I don’t know who that other person is supposed to be. My husband saw this cover and said, “It’s Pat!”

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Party at the Wakefields’

Synopsis:

Jessica is disgusted by Liz’s behavior. Know why? No, she’s not trying to get the color purple outlawed or anything like that. It’s because she’s hanging out with Sophia Rizzo. Sophia is POOR! Her brother is a CRIMINAL! Their mother is DISABLED! Liz being friends with her is the worst thing that’s ever happened to Jessica.

Ned Wakefield has a client who has a daughter the twins’ age, and this client has invited one of the twins to L. A. to hang out with the daughter. Liz automatically offers to stay home and let Jessica go, but Ned insists the girls draw straws. Jessica loses. This, too, is the worst thing that’s ever happened to Jessica.

Sweet Valley Middle School is going to put on a play, and the two best English students from each grade are chosen to write it. Sophia and Liz are the sixth grade representatives, and Jessica can’t stand that Liz is going to be working with Sophia. Because, remember, she’s POOR! Even brother Steven warns Liz not to get too close to the Rizzos. He knows Sophia’s brother, Tony, is a CRIMINAL who went to REFORM SCHOOL. Sophia comes over to work on the play one night. Lila happens to be there, and Jessica tells her Sophia’s there to pick up a box of old clothes. She says this, of course, right in front of Sophia.

Liz is worried at the first play committee meeting because the two seventh grade reps are Mary Robinson and Peter Jeffries, a Unicorn and a friend of Bruce Patman’s. Liz is sure Sophia is going to have a rough time, but it all turns out surprisingly well. The other kids like Sophia’s ideas and she’s chosen as the head writer of the play. Liz is feeling good about things until she gets home and sees Steven’s black eye. Tony Rizzo punched him in the face, so now Steve and Jessica are pissed at Liz. Weird Wakefield logic, don’t ask.

When the Wakefield parents see Steve’s black eye, they tell Liz she can’t hang out with Sophia outside of school anymore. That really sucks because Liz just told Sophia she’d throw her a birthday party at the Wakefield house next month. See, Sophia’s never had a birthday party, on account of her being so POOR. Things are even worse when Liz finds out her trip to L. A. is on Sophia’s birthday. She begs her parents to let Jessica go instead, but they say that just wouldn’t be fair. Okay, the Wakefield parents are being ridiculous this week.

Steven suggests the twins switch places so Jessica can go to L. A. Ned and Alice are going to be at an all day beach party that Saturday, so Liz figures she can throw Sophia a little party while everyone is gone. Jessica loves the idea of switching places, of course, and thinks Liz is the best sister ever, but then in the same conversation she gets all pissy about Sophia writing the damn school play. She says she won’t be auditioning and neither will any of the other Unicorns because nobody wants to be involved with Sophia in any way.

Sophia collides with Jessica and Lila in the hallway at school and papers go flying everywhere. Before Sophia can pick them up, Lila snatches a page and starts dramatically reading a scene from the play. All the kids who have suddenly gathered around start laughing and Sophia runs away. Liz runs after her and Sophia tells her how much her life sucks. When she asks Liz to come home with her, Liz can’t help but say yes. She starts spending time at Sophia’s every night to work on the play, but she feels totally guilty about it. I don’t know why she doesn’t just tell her parents she and Sophia have to work on school stuff together.

Almost nobody will try out for the play at first, but after a few roles are cast and scenes are performed in English classes, people start to come around. Eventually, Jessica is the only holdout, but Liz tells her she won’t let her go to L. A. in her place unless Jessica at least goes to watch the play.

Opening night is a roaring success, and the last scene moves everyone to tears. After the actors take their bows, someone in the audience starts chanting, “Author! Author! Author!” Does that really happen? Sophia takes another bow, and on the way home, Jessica and Steven admit they were wrong about Sophia. Even the Wakefield parents concede that she’s talented. How nice of them.

Jessica goes off to L. A. the next day, Ned and Alice leave for their party, and Steven has some kind of basketball thing he has to go to. As soon as Liz is alone, she calls Amy and Julie to come over and set up for Sophia’s party. Pretty much the whole school – including Lila and Bruce – show up since Sophia’s a famous playwright now, but Ned and Alice come home early, before Sophia gets there. Oh, no! But wait, it’s all good. Liz had good intentions, so she’s off the hook. Ned even drives to the Rizzos’ house to pick up Sophia’s mother and bring her back to the party. While there, he gives Tony the number of a psychologist who might be able to help him out. Then Alice offers Mrs. Rizzo a position designing afghans for her interior design firm. Sophia has the best birthday ever and the world explodes in a sugary ball of cheese.

Quotes:

She was small and dark like her daughter, and, like Sophia, her clothes were faded from age and countless washings.

Sophia is faded from age and countless washings? (Cheap shot, I know, but misplaced modifiers crack me up.)

As her path took her back into her own familiar neighborhood, filled with spacious homes on carefully manicured lawns, Elizabeth wished that more people shared Sophia’s talent for understanding others. But, as Jessica came bounding out of the Wakefields’ front door, Elizabeth wondered if the happy, pampered kids of Sweet Valley would ever be able to put themselves in Sophia’s place.

Oh, not like you, Elizabeth! You’re the only kid in the whole world who can look past your carefully manicured lawn and reach out to the hopeless po’ folks.

The Cover: Liz looks like she’ll pull a muscle if she gets any friendlier. Amy looks like she just woke up. And actually, if I had to guess which kid on this cover is the poor one, I’d guess Amy. She looks like crap. At least Sophia’s shirt fits her.

Y’all ready for this?

Here we go!

Elizabeth Wakefield has left Sweet Valley and is now living in New York City, working for a crappy online magazine that nobody’s ever heard of. When our story opens, Liz and her boss, David Stephenson, are returning to Liz’s apartment after grabbing a post-workday dinner. Liz thinks David is handsome enough, but she doesn’t really want to sleep with him because he made her leave the tip at the restaurant. Get over yourself, Liz, it wasn’t even a date. The phone is ringing when they come in, but Liz lets the machine pick it up. It’s Jessica, begging Liz to talk to her.

Liz ignores Jessica and gives David a glass of wine. He asks whose voice that was on the answering machine and marvels at how much it sounded like Liz. Liz considers sleeping with him to get him to stop asking questions, but in the end the tip thing just bothers her too much and she tells him she’s tired and kicks him out. Once he’s gone, she curls up on her couch and feels sorry for herself.

FLASHBACK! We’re suddenly treated to a present-tense-first-person account of the day Todd Wilkins asked Jessica out back in high school. It’s kind of weird.

PRESENT DAY Back in Sweet Valley, Jessica is whining to Todd about Liz not answering any of her calls, texts, emails or Facebook friend requests. There’s kind of a lot of nonsense, but I gather that Liz and Todd were engaged at some point and Jessica slept with Todd. Then there’s another weird first-person-present-tense passage. It’s the exact same scene from before, this time from Jessica’s point of view. Anyway, Todd and Jessica are now living together and are going to be married in four weeks. Todd writes a successful sports column and the two of them spend most of their time trying to avoid the judgmental stares of their friends.

Todd and Jessica go to a party at Lila’s house, and we learn the latest about all our old faves:

• Lila and Ken Matthews are in the middle of getting a divorce, but Ken is apparently still at the house most of the time. Ken is a successful NFL star. Lila doesn’t work, of course.
• Caroline Pearce is a successful real estate broker and a cancer survivor. She’s still a big gossipmonger.
• Jeffrey French is a successful dentist and is married to someone whose name Jessica can’t remember.
• Enid Rollins and A. J. Morgan are having an affair or something and it’s bad for their image, but I don’t know why.
• Robin Wilson is a successful caterer and restaurant critic, but somehow manages to keep herself slim.

You’ll notice that with the exception of A. J. and Enid, everyone’s life has the word successful in it. Sweet Valley is magic.

Everyone seems surprised to see Toddica, but Caroline is the only one who actually dares to ask about Elizabeth. Instead of answering, Jessica tells Caroline what a nosy bitch she is. Then she turns on Lila and hollers at her for inviting her to a party Caroline was going to attend, accusing her of wanting her there only for the drama.

All of Jessica’s chapters are like so infused with instances of like and so and they so make me want to like stab my eyes out.

Meanwhile, Liz goes to some crappy theater to interview William Connolly, a playwright who is currently auditioning actors for his debut play. He acts like a jackass and hardly even looks at Liz, but when he finally does, Liz freaks out a little because he looks exactly like Todd. Sigh. Of course he does. His resemblance to Todd throws Liz down memory lane and she thinks about a time in college when she was sick and made Jessica go to a party with Todd. As far as she knows, it’s the only time they spent any time alone. I guess that whole thing after the prom doesn’t count. And, of course, Liz doesn’t know about the other stuff.

Coincidentally, Todd and Jessica are also thinking of that party in college and…

FLASHBACK – COLLEGE, SENIOR YEAR Jessica doesn’t really want to go to the party, but Todd is the guest of honor and Liz really wants him to go. Neither Todd nor Jessica has any fun at first, but people keep assuming Jessica is Liz so she and Todd pretend to be a couple and have a good time tricking people. When they get in the car to leave, they apparently forget they were just pretending and they start making out like crazy. They eventually end up at the apartment Todd and Winston share. Winston isn’t home, so Todd goes ahead and has sex with his girlfriend’s twin sister. God, what a fucked up piece of fuck this guy is. Jessica’s wrong too, of course, but if I’ve accomplished nothing else with this blog, I know I’ve at least established that Jessica is insane.

For the next month, Todd and Jessica meet every day at a diner nobody they know ever goes to. They don’t have sex again, but it’s still an affair. The guilt finally gets to be too much for Jessica and she breaks it off.

PRESENT DAY Elizabeth runs into Will Connolly at the bar across the street from the theater. They both get a little tipsy and end up talking. Will isn’t really the jerkface he’s made himself out to be, and Liz thinks it’s okay to like him because his eyes are blue and not brown like Todd’s. They introduce themselves to the gorgeous Irish bartender (Liz mentions that her cheating twin would go crazy for him) and then Will invites Liz back to his apartment. They make out for a minute.

Liz’s mother calls that night and tells Liz she’d like her to come home for her grandmother’s eightieth birthday party. (She would also like Liz to come to Jessica’s wedding because she’s a fucking idiot.) Liz tells her there’s no way in hell she’s going to sit through a dinner with Todd and Jessica. Then she gets to thinking that it would really show those bastards if she came home with a new man. She calls Will and asks him if he wants to go. He says he can’t get away, but jokingly suggests Liz take Liam the bartender and try to make Jessica fall in love with him. Liz doesn’t take it as a joke.

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Jessica has married some guy named Regan and they’ve been traveling the world. It’s been about six months since the wedding, and that means it’s about time for Jessica to move on. Not one to waste time, she decides she has to leave Regan immediately. She’s in France, but she calls Liz, who tells her to just come home and stay with her. Todd isn’t super happy about this, but he agrees to be civil.

In this flashback, we learn that brother Steven married Cara Walker, but he apparently has frequent affairs and at this moment might be involved with Lila. What a tool. We also learn that nobody likes Winston anymore because he “changed radically” after making a bunch of money.

PRESENT DAY Liz goes to the bar and insinuates herself into Liam’s life. They hit it off after Liz finds out Liam’s parents live in L.A. and he owes them a visit soon. After about five minutes of friendship, Liam agrees to schedule his visit so it coincides with Liz’s grandmother’s party and he can be her date.

Jessica goes out for a friendly drink with one of her coworkers and wonders if she should hook up with this guy instead of Todd and then she could have Elizabeth back in her life. But alas, her love for Todd is too strong to be denied. Then she thinks about when she came back from France and lived with Todd and Liz for a while.

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Todd is working from home and the house is beginning to seem very small. Jessica and Todd try to avoid each other, but he gets on her nerves one day and she goes to the beach. That’s where she sees her brother in a loving embrace with…Aaron Dallas. Yep, Aaron is gay now and so is Steven. Steve asks Jessica not to tell anyone, but she thinks she’ll be doing him a favor if she tells Cara. Oh, Jessica. This is why you’re the bad twin. Well, this and the whole stealing-your-sister’s-fiancé thing.

PRESENT DAY Liz has lunch with Will and tells him she’ll be taking Liam with her to Sweet Valley. Will was only joking when he suggested getting Liam to seduce Jessica and he does not approve. Liz, who has been telling herself that she’s only bringing Liam home so she’ll have some company, gets defensive and actually says, “fuck you,” and storms out of the pub. Nice. She talks to Bruce Patman on the phone (they’re best friends now) and tells him she’ll be bringing a friend home for her grandmother’s party. Bruce gets a little weird. Liz is irritated and Bruce hangs up on her. Then we get to spend some time in Bruce’s head. And wouldn’t you know it? He’s in love with Liz!

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Bruce and Liz became friends a few years ago when Bruce’s parents were in a car accident. Liz came to the hospital every day for moral support. (Both Patman parents wound up dying.) Bruce has always known about Todd and Jessica’s affair in college (he saw them together at the diner), but he didn’t want to tell Liz because it would hurt her. But now that Jessica is staying with Todd and Liz, and Liz wants to set a wedding date, Bruce thinks it might be time to clue her in. He takes Liz out for pizza (I believe the pizza place used to be the Dairi Burger, but now it’s called Napkin) and tries to get up the courage to break her heart, but just then Ken Matthews comes running in to tell them that Winston is dead.

What the frak?

Meanwhile, Steven goes to Liz’s house to yell at Jessica for outing him to Cara. He calls her a selfish bitch and then leaves. Jessica starts crying and Todd hugs her to comfort her, and OF COURSE they start kissing. That’s when Liz comes home, crying about Winston. Todd and Jessica manage to cover up pretty well and Liz doesn’t notice anything is amiss, but Bruce is giving them the hairy eyeball.

PRESENT DAY Liz flies into LAX, where she’ll meet Liam. She’s going to change at the airport and drive directly to the club for the party. On the flight, she remembers – FLASHBACK! Winston’s funeral. Winston got super drunk and fell off his balcony. People are sad, but Winston had turned into such a total misogynistic jackass that most people are mourning the kid he used to be. Jessica starts looking at Liz intensely and yapping about forgiveness and junk. Liz thinks it’s weird, but figures it’s just funeral stuff.

PRESENT DAY Jessica is getting ready for “Grandmommy’s” party (ugh, grandmommy?) and thinks about the day Liz found out about her and Todd.

FLASHBACK Which is totally lame. Jessica’s husband shows up, I guess to talk to her, but she’s afraid of him so she asks Todd to be in the room. Regan walks in and immediately accuses Jessica of sleeping with Todd. I don’t know why. Words are exchanged and the boys start scufflin’. Liz comes home and breaks up their fight. Regan yells at her and says there’s something going on behind her back, and then he leaves. Liz asks Toddica what Regan was talking about and Jessica says he’s just crazy jealous, which seems reasonable. But Liz has one of those moments where she suddenly realizes how blind she’s been. She calls them cheating liars and storms out.

And that’s it, that’s how she found out. Maybe I’m sick in the head, but I was really kind of hoping she’d find them in bed together or something. Something more exciting than a “sudden realization”.

PRESENT DAY Dinner at the country club seems like it might be okay at first. The twins manage to ignore each other for the most part, but Liz is a little irritated that Liam seems completely smitten with Jessica. She was supposed to fall for him, not the other way around. He hangs on her all night, which pisses Todd off. Liz can’t help but smirk when Toddica start arguing, and the smirk gets Jessica going. Pretty soon, Liz is yelling at Todd, Steven is yelling at Jessica, Bruce and Aaron are telling people to shut up, and Alice is trying to keep everyone from killing each other. She yells at Ned to “bring out the fucking cake.” Grandmommy Robertson is the only one not yelling. When Liz leaves to go back to New York, Todd and Jessica aren’t speaking to each other, and Liz is pissed at Liam for flirting with Jessica so much.

Liz still has to interview Will for her job, and she can tell he wants to apologize for accusing her of being crazy for revenge. She doesn’t want him to do that because then she’ll have to say he was right. So she does the interview and then goes back to his place and has sex with him. I’m not sure why she feels like she always has to have sex with a guy to make him shut up.

She gets home from Will’s to find Jessica asleep outside her apartment door. Jessica says she’s left Todd and wants Liz’s forgiveness. It only takes about thirty seconds of Jessica crying for Liz to forgive her. And just like that, they’re talking everything through. Liz, who only needed to find a new man to realize she really doesn’t love Todd anymore, tells Jessica to go back to Todd. Jessica leaves the next morning and Todd is waiting for her outside Liz’s apartment building. He gives her a big hug and they go home to Sweet Valley. Liz meets Will later and tells him everything. He still thinks she’s the bee’s knees and they go back to Liz’s.

Will and Liz become friends with benefits, and things are going really well. Her article comes out and she gets another job offer from a magazine. By the time Will’s play opens, Liz has decided she’s not in love with Will, but they have a really good friendship. On opening night, Will’s parents show up with the fiancé Will left behind when he came to New York to be a famous playwright. It’s clear to Liz that Will and Wendy love each other. She’s happy for them.

When Liz goes home for Jessica’s wedding, Bruce tells Liz he’s selling his house and moving to New York because he’s in love with someone who lives there. Liz is an idiot and Bruce has to spell it out for her that Liz is the one he loves. They go up to Bruce’s bedroom where they get naked and we learn that Liz has “taut nipples.”

EPILOGUE: FOR ALL SWEET VALLEY FANS OF OLD

Everyone in the world shows up to Jessica’s wedding, and Francine gives us a little bio of what’s been going on with all our old friends…

• Bill Chase – Lost his right leg to a shark during a triathlon three years ago. Now teaches surfing to handicapped teens. Married someone named Lianne Kane.
• Roger Collins – Mr. Collins has quit teaching and is a successful writer. His son is now nineteen and named Sam (pretty sure he used to be named Teddy).
• Jeffrey French – Lila’s date for the wedding. Now Francine tells us he’s single, even though Jessica talked to his wife in the second chapter.
• Dee Dee Gordon – Working as an artist
• Charlie Markus – Married Annie Whitman. He writes for a car magazine but wants to be a novelist. He is referred to as the boy who “saved” Annie, but I think Francine has confused him with Ricky Capaldo.
• Betsy Martin – An alcoholic who sleeps around. I guess art school wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
• A. J. Morgan – Sells shoes at the Nike store in the mall.
• Roger Barrett Patman – A successful Hollywood producer. He married Zoe Jones, a rock star.
• Caroline Pearce – Caroline’s cancer is in remission these days. She puts out a gossip blog six days a week.
• Enid Rollins – Enid is a successful gynecologist, but she’s arrogant and extremely right-wing. She plans to run for city council, and that’s why she wants to keep her relationship with A. J. a secret. She doesn’t think a shoe salesman is an appropriate partner for someone as important as she is.
• Nicky Shepard – I don’t know why we care about this guy since he was really only important in one book, but Francine tells us he hit rock bottom two years ago and is now living in Utah, teaching at an AA center.
• Cara Walker – She and Steven are now divorced, but she still remains friendly with Ned and Alice.
• Annie Whitman – Annie is a lawyer in San Francisco. She and Charlie have a two-year-old boy.
• Robin Wilson – Catered Jessica’s wedding. She’s also senior editor of Bon Appétit.
• George Warren – A representative for a Silicon Valley company. Lives in England.

We get a rundown of some dead folks. Winston, Regina and Tricia are mentioned, but strangely, Olivia Davidson is not. Maybe because of her zombie appearance in SVU. Surprisingly, Suzanne Devlin is among the dead. We’re told she returned to Sweet Valley six years after the Mr. Collins scandal, but she had multiple sclerosis and crashed her car after taking her medication with champagne. Wait, I thought she just had mono. I’m confused.

And now the Wakefields…

• Ned Wakefield – Still a successful lawyer. He’s so awesome that even the mayor came to the wedding.
• Alice Wakefield – Now has her own interior design company. It is, of course, successful. Alice was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago, but she had a lumpectomy and some radiation and is good to go.
• Steven Wakefield – Steve and Aaron are living together and hoping that someday they’ll be able to get married.
• Elizabeth Wakefield – Liz was Jessica’s maid of honor. I think that’s gross, but what do I know? She and Bruce are totally in love.
• Jessica Wakefield – Was fifteen minutes late for her own wedding because, as you know, nothing starts until she gets there.

Quotes:

Unless, of course, she were to arrive, unexpectedly, at her grandmother’s party on the arm of a handsome New York playwright. That certainly wouldn’t be pathetic.

It’s a little pathetic if he looks exactly like the ex-boyfriend you’re so eager to show up.

…its main financial backing had come from Richard Fowler, Lila’s father.

Didn’t his name used to be George?

One time when we were in high school, this lunatic madman came at her with a sledgehammer. I jumped in between them, and I didn’t even have a weapon. All I had was crazy fury and determination to save my sister’s life.

What’s funny is that I thought I would try to give you guys a link to the book this is from and make a snarky comment about it, but the twins escaped death so many times that I don’t know which book to link to.

I’m in my black Porsche convertible, the last vestige of the old Bruce that I can’t give up.

1BRUCE1 is still alive, people!

“I remember once I had this thing with Caroline way back when we were in the seventh grade. She told everyone that I let A. J. Morgan touch my breast.”

That’s so weird, you know, because he didn’t move to Sweet Valley until junior year.

She was twenty-seven years old and this was the first person she’d ever told to go fuck himself. What was wrong with her?

Oh, Liz. You’ve just been suffering from Valleyitis. Folks from the SV don’t say fuck. Except Alice Wakefield, apparently.

The Cover: Is boring. I really do like the endpapers though.

The End.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Birthday slumber party at Lila’s, surprise birthday party at the Wakefields’

Synopsis:

There’s a new girl in the neighborhood. Her name is Brooke Dennis and Jessica already hates her because she was a total bitch the one time they met while Jessica was walking Mrs. Bramble’s dog. Mrs. Wakefield is doing the interior design work for Mr. Dennis’ house, and brother Steven is all excited because Mr. Dennis is a famous screenwriter. Jessica doesn’t care who he is, she still hates Brooke. I guess this is before Jessica’s obsession with becoming an actress, because you know if this was high school she’d be all over pretending to like that bitch to get in Brooke’s father’s next film.

Mrs. Wakefield invites Brooke and her father over for dinner, and Liz gets to see firsthand what a bitch Brooke is. She and Jessica are both horrified when Mrs. Wakefield volunteers the twins to walk with Brooke to school the next day. Jessica gets out of the walk by claiming she needs a ride from her dad, so Liz has to do it alone. She tries to be nice, but Brooke shuts her down. Then Brooke proceeds to make everyone at Sweet Valley Middle School hate her.

After Brooke ruins a poster Jessica made for English class, Jessica invents a Wakefield triplet named Jennifer. “Jennifer” always wears a bow in her hair and she talks in a whisper, and for some reason Brooke really likes her. She asks Jennifer to go to the basketball game that night, but Jessica can’t do it because she has to cheer. She gets Liz to pretend to be Jennifer for the evening. Brooke is actually nice to “Jennifer” during the game and Liz starts feeling bad about tricking her, but then Brooke says some really mean things about Jessica. Liz’s resolve is strengthened.

Lila has a slumber party for her birthday, and Liz is invited for some reason. During the party, she tells everyone that Brooke’s birthday is on Monday and she didn’t want Jennifer to tell anyone. Jessica decides that’s the perfect time to get even with Brooke for being such a snot. There’s a book fair assembly on Monday, and the girls get Jerry McAllister and Bruce Patman to build a collapsible chair for Brooke to sit in at the assembly.

Elizabeth, as Jennifer, has lunch with Brooke before the assembly, and Brooke cries to her about her parents’ divorce and the fact that her father was too busy that morning to wish her a happy birthday. She says Jennifer is the first friend she’s ever had, and Liz feels like crap.  She tries to get Brooke to sit in a different chair at the assembly, but Jessica makes sure Brooke sits in the rigged seat. Everyone starts laughing at her when she falls through the chair, and they laugh even harder when she tries to explain to Mr. Bowman that Jennifer made her sit there. When she realizes there is no Jennifer, she runs off. Liz follows her and tries to apologize and say she really wants to be Brooke’s friend, but Brooke says she doesn’t care and then walks away.

When the twins get home, their mother says Brooke’s dad called her and filled her in on everything the twins did. The twins feel awful, and they invite everyone over to come up with a plan to make it up to Brooke. I guess everyone feels bad all of a sudden, and they all decide to throw a big surprise birthday party for her. They bake a cake and decorate the Wakefield house, but Brooke refuses to come over because she hates the twins.

The twins go to Brooke’s house and apologize for everything, and Brooke agrees to come back to the house with them. The party is a smashing success and now Brooke has tons of friends. On top of that, a long talk with Mrs. Wakefield has shown Mr. Dennis the error of his ways, and now he plans to be around for Brooke more often. Perfect Sweet Valley ending.

Quotes:

“Well,” Mrs. Wakefield began, “it sounds as if Brooke’s a very confused young lady. I, for one, intend to have a long talk with that busy father of hers.”

Oh, excellent. Parenting advice from Mrs. Wakefield.

The Cover: You guys, you have no idea how much I loved Jennifer’s outfit on this cover. I wanted that oversized red cardigan so bad.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Graduation! Birthday party! Woohoo!

Synopsis:

Monday: Maria is freaking out about her valedictorian speech. She hasn’t even started it yet. She wants to be there for Ken, who is clearly upset about the upcoming anniversary of Olivia’s death, but she can’t focus on him while she still has this speech to write.

Liz tells her parents she got into Oxford, and Alice tells Jessica. Jessica freaks out and tells Liz she doesn’t want anything to do with her on their birthday, which is Thursday. Jessica calls Jeremy and gets pissed when he says his parents planned a graduation party for him on Thursday night. Jessica somehow turns this around to mean that Jeremy doesn’t care about her anymore. Oh, boy.

Tuesday: Liz decides to make things better with Jessica by planning a surprise party for their birthday. Again? Didn’t we try this last year? I recall it ending in tragedy. Liz talks to Conner and Tia and they decide to have it at the Riot. Maria sits around feeling sorry for herself all day because she needs help with her speech, and she’s annoyed when Liz says she needs to work on the party plans and can’t help her. Jessica decides she’s going to throw a party and not invite Liz, but Tia tells her Liz is already throwing one and the entire senior class is going. Jessica is pissed that Liz is having a party and not inviting her. Oh, Jessica.

Tia, Andy and Conner are all excited about their post-graduation road trip. It’s supposed to be just the three of them, but Tia has told Trent he can come along. She tells Andy, and he says that in that case, Dave is coming, too. Before Andy can tell Conner, Conner says he appreciates Tia and Andy leaving Trent and Dave behind for three weeks so the three of them can have their special best friend alone time.

Jessica’s home ec teacher tells Liz that Jessica never made up her risotto assignment, and she won’t be able to graduate unless she makes it up the next day. Liz knows Jessica has plans with Jeremy the next afternoon, so she decides to pull a twin switch and do it herself.

Wednesday: Liz has a meeting with a rep from Oxford. She kind of hopes the meeting will suck so she’ll have an excuse not to go, but the rep tells her all the wonderful things about Oxford and makes Liz want to go there more than ever.

Conner overhears Tia talking about how excited Trent is about the road trip, and he loses his shit. He tells Tia and Andy to uninvite their boyfriends, but they don’t want to. So Conner says they can all go together and he’ll just stay home.

Liz is the salutatorian, so she and Maria meet in the library to work on their speeches together. Liz says she hasn’t even started hers yet, and Maria flies off the handle because Liz isn’t taking it seriously enough. Then Liz gets really stupid and says she should have been valedictorian. So now Liz and Maria are in a fight. Liz heads to the home ec room to make a risotto.

Jessica goes to dinner with Jeremy and his family, who are all in town for graduation. As the family catches up on stuff, Jessica keeps thinking of how awful it’s going to be next year when she’s separated from both Liz and Jeremy. She gets up and leaves the table, and Jeremy follows her. He asks her what’s wrong, and she decides she’s pissed at him for not inviting her to his graduation party the next night. He says he figured she’d want to do something else since it’s her birthday, but Jessica is beyond reasoning. She runs to the parking lot in tears.

Evan gets off Berkeley’s waiting list. Thanks, Tia.

Thursday: Jessica wakes up in a terrible mood. Liz tries to make up over breakfast, and she tells Jessica she saved her from having to make a risotto. Jessica accuses Liz of thinking she’s so flaky that she can’t even do her own schoolwork. An argument ensues and Jessica takes the Jeep and goes to school.

Today is for graduation practice, but neither Liz nor Maria have their speeches prepared. Liz tells Maria not to worry about it, and subtly points out Conner, who is backstage cutting the wires to the microphone. Principal Chrome Dome suddenly can’t be heard, and Maria is worried Conner will be caught. Liz tells her not to worry, and at that moment, Jade stands up in the middle of the seated seniors and yells that Evan can’t stop her if she wants to go commando under her graduation robe. She starts a “Naked!” chant, and in all the confusion, Conner manages to get back to his seat before anyone notices he’s gone. Maria and Liz apologize to each other for their fight, and then Maria takes off for the library to work on her speech.

The twins run into each other in the line for yearbooks, and Liz apologizes. It seems like Jessica is just about to lighten up and talk to her, but then the home ec teacher comes running down the hall. She says the risotto was horrible and Jessica will have to try again that afternoon. Jessica is pissed and hates Liz all over again.

Tia, Trent, Andy and Dave go to the Riot to start setting things up, and Trent and Dave say they’ve been looking over the itinerary and have some changes they’d like to make. Tia and Andy get irritated and decide they’ll just have to tell their boyfriends they can’t come. They don’t have to, though. After listening to Tia, Andy and Conner tell stories about each other for a while, they announce the three of them should go alone.

In really sickening news, Jade’s mother has written a book and a publisher has offered her a lot of money to turn it into a series. That’s not the sickening part. The sickening part is this: “It’s about a pair of twins who have very different personalities…But they’re still closer to each other than to anyone else in the world…” Barf.

While she’s cooking, Jessica says something about the dress she wore yesterday, and Ms. Goldberg realizes it was Elizabeth who made the awful risotto. Jessica explains that she and Liz have been fighting, and Ms. Goldberg actually makes her feel better about things. Jessica goes to Jeremy’s graduation that night, and they make up afterward. Then she goes home and gets ready to go to the Riot and make up with Liz. She falls asleep instead.

Liz is at the party, feeling miserable about Oxford. She decides she’ll miss Jessica too much if she goes. She goes home to tell her so. The twins make up and talk about how much fun they’ll have at Sweet Valley University next year.

Friday: Graduation day. At the ceremony, the twins sit next to Todd because of stupid alphabetical order, and Todd asks Liz to go out with him after graduation. She accepts. Dammit, we just got rid of one codependency, and now you’re going back to an old one? UGH.

Liz never actually got around to working on a speech and all she has is a bunch of note cards. She’s nervous about making a fool of herself, so Jessica takes her notes and pulls another twin switch. Two in one book! Jessica, as Elizabeth, gives an awesome speech and everyone applauds.

THE FREAKING END!!!!!

Quotes:

A few of our old friends make cameo appearances in this book, even Robin Wilson, who came all the way back from Denver. It’s like graduation day on Boy Meets World. I wonder if they’ve been hanging out with Minkus in the other hallway?

When Enid turned into the classroom, her shirt slipped down, exposing a little skull tattoo on her back. Elizabeth shot Maria a look. She didn’t know if Enid’s tattoo was real, but if there was a yearbook award for most changed, Enid would definitely win. She’d gone from geeky to goth in less than a year.

Winston Egbert handed Elizabeth her test paper and flashed her a quick thumbs-up for luck.

Robin Wilson grimaced and held her gown up to her slim body. Her soft brown hair tumbled down over her face as she looked down at the shiny fabric. “Please, Liz. I mean, you spend all this time and effort dropping weight, and then they make you wear a muumuu to graduation.”

Bruce Patman, of all people, walked in – someone she hadn’t seen since he left for college and hadn’t liked much before then. He was all prepped out in a light blue button-down and khakis, and the second he saw Ken Matthews and Aaron Dallas, he dove into the crowd and started shaking hands like a politician.

And there is actually some mention of the more bizarre happenings from junior year:

Almost every single good memory Jessica cherished had occurred inside the sprawling building. And some bad ones, of course – kidnappings, bomb threats, gang wars, that crazy Margot [sic] chick who had come to town and tried to pretend she was Elizabeth. Junior year had definitely been tumultuous.

Definitely.

[Elizabeth] turned her full attention to Maria, whose expression made her look almost exactly the same as she had when she’d broken the news to Elizabeth and Jessica that their dog, Prince Albert, had run away during the earthquake last year – very uncomfortable.

So that’s what happened to the dog. I wonder why Maria had to be the one to break the news.

“We’ve lost many friends – Olivia Davidson, Roger Patman, Ronnie Edwards, Regina Morrow, to name a few.”

I don’t remember Roger Patman dying.

The Cover: Sorry about the terrible image. This book is all shiny and metallic and didn’t scan well. I went to The Closet, but theirs is the same.

This cover is totally lame. I have no idea which twin is which. I’d guess the one on the right is Jessica, but after 180+ books in the original series telling me Liz always wears her hair in a ponytail, I don’t quite believe it. Also, I think the one on the right looks kind of stoned.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Party for Conner

Synopsis:

Andy and Tia sit around watching some horrible dating show called Test Your Love because they’re pathetic losers with no boyfriends. They find out the show is doing a teen week and they decide to pretend to be a couple and audition for it. If they win, they’ll get a trip to New York out of it. They get through the first interview and move on to the next waiting area, where Tia starts flirting with some hot assistant guy. She needs Andy to point out to her that it might be a dumb idea to try to score a date when she’s supposed to be pretending to be Andy’s girlfriend. Tia’s kind of dumb sometimes. She hopes they don’t make it to the next round because she wants to ask the guy out, and she’s disappointed when they actually do make it.

Ken feels bad for dumping Melissa the way he did on Friday, but he knows it was the right thing to do. He’s realized that he was never the guy for Melissa and that she and Will totally belong together. He calls her and tells her so, not knowing she’s already tried to get Will back and he wasn’t interested. Melissa hangs up on him. Ken, who is for some reason determined to get them back together, decides he’ll just talk to Will.

Tia calls Liz and says she heard from Conner. He’s back from rehab and will be at school the next day. Liz doesn’t sleep at all that night and she’s a mess the next morning. Evan asks her if she’s going to tell Conner about their little mini-relationship, and Liz says she thinks he should know and she’d like to be the one to tell him. Evan gives her a hug and then Liz takes off when she sees Conner come around the corner. Conner seems genuinely happy to see Evan, so Evan feels guilty for having gone after Liz in the first place.

There’s a pep rally coming up and it’s supposed to be planned by the head cheerleader and the captain of the football team. Since Will is out, Coach Riley puts Ken in charge. And Coach Laufeld puts Melissa in charge because Tia is pretending to be sick so she can audition for the game show. Melissa sees Ken talking to Maria in the hallway and it pisses her off that he’s already trying to get back together with his ex, even though she’s been trying unsuccessfully to get back with Will this whole time. She goes up to Ken all smiley and says they have things to do. Maria scuttles off, thinking Ken and Melissa are still together. Ken realizes there’s no freaking way he can plan a pep rally with his psycho ex-girlfriend, so he decides to make Will do it. He tells Will the team really wants him to plan the thing and he should go to House of Java the next night to start planning. He fails to mention that Melissa is taking Tia’s place.

Conner is having dinner with his mom and sister one night and thinking about how he can never get back together with Liz because of “what happened in rehab.” Then some chick named Alanna calls and asks for him. Conner tells Megan to say he isn’t home. Very mysterious. And I don’t care.

Andy and Tia actually get to be on Test Your Love, and they end up winning. After the show’s taping, Tia starts to go over to the cute crew guy to ask him out, but Andy reminds her one more time that they’re supposed to be a couple and maybe she can wait until after the trip to New York to ask the guy out. Tia goes to the bathroom, and the crew guy comes up to Andy and says it’s a shame he has a girlfriend because otherwise he’d love to hang out with Andy sometimes. Andy tells Tia the guy’s been flirting with him this whole time. Ha.

Will is pissed when he gets to House of Java and finds Melissa there instead of Tia. He decides to just help her organize the thing because the team’s counting on him or whatever, and of course during the course of the evening he notices Melissa’s perfume and how pretty her eyes are. He keeps trying to tell himself that she’s a horrible person, but when he goes to leave, one of his crutches slips and he almost falls. Melissa grabs him and keeps him upright and I guess Will is in love again.

Tia throws a surprise welcome home party for Conner. After much internal debate, Liz decides to go. Conner thanks her for telling him he needed help, and they start to kiss. Then the mysterious Alanna shows up and yells Conner’s name. She doesn’t seem too happy.

The Cover and Title: Is that supposed to be Liz and Conner? I don’t get it. Out of everyone in this book, Liz and Conner were probably in it the least, and they were only in the same room with each other for like one page.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Football party, intervention

Synopsis:

It’s the day after Ken’s big football comeback, and Maria is all upset because when she calls Ken’s house, his dad tells her he hasn’t seen Ken since some cheerleaders brought him a spirit basket. Ken’s dad is just being an ass; the cheerleaders came over and dropped off their basket (this is some kind of football tradition) and then Ken went to the library. Mr. Matthews just wants to piss off Maria for some reason. Meanwhile, Ken is irritated that his own girlfriend hasn’t congratulated him on what a super awesome football player he is.

After dropping off the basket, Jessica, Lila and the other two cheerleaders who went with them go to House of Java and Jessica’s boss tells her she told Jade to come by during Jessica’s shift later so she can fire her. Jade doesn’t take the news well; Jessica has to admit she was the one who told Ally about Jade calling in sick and then showing up with Jeremy. She threatens Jessica by saying, “I won’t forget this.” Scary.

Conner’s mother comes to Liz’s house and tells her Conner is an alcoholic and she wants to have an intervention. Liz thinks that’s a bad idea because Conner isn’t exactly the kind of guy who’s just going to sit around and listen to all his friends tell him what’s wrong with him, but she figures Mrs. Sandborn knows more about this than she does so she agrees to talk to the rest of Conner’s friends and get it set up.

Jade goes to Big Mesa High to meet Jeremy after football practice. He’s surprised to see her, but he’s a nice guy so he chats with her a bit, telling her he’s sorry she lost her job. Jade lies and tells him she was breaking up with Josh when Jeremy showed up the other night and she’s really, really sorry. Jeremy forgives her and asks her to hang out the next night. Oh, Jeremy. She can’t possibly be that good-looking.

Todd tells Ken that all the football players are going to visit Will in the hospital and he should go with them to show his support. When Will sees him, he gets all upset and tells everyone to leave. Ken runs out of there and goes home, and only then does he call Maria to tell her he won’t be able to make it to her house to have dinner with her parents like he’d planned. The next morning, Ken sees Melissa at school looking really rough. He tries to say hello, but she can’t believe he would speak to her after going to see Will. She says, “Maybe if you’d never shown up there in the first place –” and then she walks away, overcome with emotion like the drama queen she is. Ken’s worried, so he waits for Melissa at her locker after school. She tells him Will is totally depressed and doesn’t want anyone, including her, to come visit him anymore. She starts crying and Ken gives her a hug.

A couple of guys come up to Maria and ask her if she’s going to the party in Ken’s honor the next night. Ken hasn’t mentioned anything about it, and of course Maria gets all worked up about that, wondering if he has some reason for keeping her in the dark. Then she turns a corner and sees Ken and Melissa hugging. She runs away in tears and thinks he didn’t tell her about the party because he plans to bring Melissa instead. Maria goes to Ken’s house that night to yell at him, and he explains the whole thing with Melissa. Maria calms down and says she’ll go to the party with him, but Ken still feels like something’s not right.

Conner is hanging out in his room thinking about how nobody understands him because he’s such a complicated guy and all. He’s mad at Liz and his mom for accusing him of having a drinking problem. Then a guy from The Shack calls and says the management liked Conner so much when he played on Friday that they want him to come back. Conner is pleased with himself and thinks that proves everyone wrong; how could he be such an amazing guitarist if he had a drinking problem? After he hangs up the phone, he has a few drinks to celebrate.

Jessica and Jeremy work together one night and flirt the entire shift away. Jessica is sure Jeremy is going to ask her out, but when he leaves he tells her he has a date with Jade. The date is just hanging out at home with his sisters and Jeremy thinks this will turn Jade off, but she happens to love kids. She has a fun time watching Jeremy with the girls, and she has to remind herself that all guys are just temporary. Jade makes sure to tell Jeremy it was Jessica who fired her, and Jeremy is appropriately shocked. The next morning at school, Jade thanks Jessica for firing her because it’s really helped with her relationship with Jeremy.

Ken’s big party happens to be on the same night as the intervention, but Maria doesn’t get a chance to tell him because she’s suddenly really mad at him for not being totally okay with Andy being gay. This kind of just came out of nowhere, but whatever. When Ken shows up to take her to the party, Maria says they have to get over to Conner’s to help him quit drinking. Ken barely knows Conner and doesn’t hardly even like him, and he’s pissed that Maria told Liz he would go. He says he’s going to his party, and he and Maria say, “Fine,” at each other, and then Ken leaves.

Conner gets home and sees all his friends’ cars on his street. He knows what’s up. He plans to go in there, tell them all to leave him alone and then go up to his room. He’s all set to do just that, but when he walks in he sees Megan sitting with everyone. He’s livid that they would bring his little sister into this, and he starts to leave. Liz stands up and says, “We’re here because we love you.” She immediately regrets using such a stupid cliché of a phrase.

The Cover: There’s something about this cover that makes me uncomfortable.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Big Mesa party

Synopsis:

Liz is pretty much going to be grounded for the rest of her life for sneaking out and going to that party, and she goes to school the next day worried that she acted like an idiot in front of Conner. But surprisingly, Conner is nice. He asks her how she’s doing and then gives her a kiss before going off to class. So I guess they’re a couple now. FINALLY.

Will and Jessica are together, but Jessica really doesn’t like showing it at school. They have an argument at lunch because Will wants to hang out that night but Jessica promised Tia they’d go shopping. Don’t forget, Will’s kind of an ass. Melissa comes out to the courtyard, so Jessica gets up and leaves in a hurry. After school that day, Jessica works her first shift with Jeremy since the breakup. She feels pretty awkward. The phone rings and Jeremy answers it. Of course it’s Will, so Jeremy gets irritated. Jessica tells Will he probably shouldn’t come see her at work tonight.

At lunch the next day, Jessica asks Liz and Conner to double date with her and Will. Nobody actually knows they’re together at this point, so the whole table stares at them and Conner looks like he’s going to pass out. These fucking kids. Liz reminds Jessica that she’s grounded, but Jessica is sure she can talk their parents into letting Liz go. After lunch, Conner tells Liz he doesn’t like Will and isn’t interested in going, but he ends up saying he will if Liz’s parents say it’s okay. It turns out Will isn’t too happy about the idea either, but he tells Jessica it’s fine and if a double date with Liz and Conner is inevitable, they might as well “get it over with.” What a prince. Ned and Alice have a talk with Jessica, and then tell Liz they will unground her if she agrees to get a job, pull up her grades and spend more time on the Oracle. Since Liz has already decided to do all of that, she readily agrees and she and Jessica go upstairs to get ready for their double date.

The date is pretty horrible. Will talks about football all night and then gets annoyed when Jessica asks Conner about his guitar playing. Will doesn’t seem to notice that Jessica is still eating when he says he wants to leave and be alone with her somewhere. Jessica says it would be rude to leave Conner and Liz, but really she’s just sick of Will trying to decide everything about what they do. She tells him she’s not Melissa and she’s not just going to give in to everything he says. Will gets pissed and leaves. When he gets home, his mother tells him Melissa came by and dropped off a box full of stuff he gave her while they were together, including a sweater he gave her as a gift. Will’s a little bummed.

Jessica calls Will on Saturday morning to apologize for the night before and ask him to get together later. He kind of says, “Yeah, sure.” Jessica can tell he’s still upset about her bringing up Melissa, so she’s determined to make their date totally awesome. After talking to Jessica, Will goes to Melissa’s with the sweater. Melissa is outside sunbathing in a string bikini (you know she planned that shit). Will can’t stop staring at her, and he’s depressed when she thanks him for the sweater and then gets up and goes inside. So now, of course, Will can’t stop thinking about Melissa, just like he couldn’t stop thinking about Jessica when Melissa was his girlfriend. I hate this guy. Hate him, hate him, hate him.

So, Will takes Jessica to some Italian restaurant and starts talking about colleges. He says she should apply to a small school because she’ll be happier there, says he’ll sign her up for an SAT prep course (she’s already taken her SATs) and then he orders for her when the waitress comes. She gets upset and tells him to stop doing that, and he says, “Chill out, Melissa!” Smooth. Jessica tells him to take her home.

Conner’s friend, Evan, asks him to go to a Big Mesa party Saturday night. Conner thinks it could be the perfect thing to make him forget about Liz. Ugh, why does he want to forget about her now? I thought they were doing so well. Liz calls and Conner invites her to the party before he can stop himself. He worries he’s turning into a “boyfriend” guy. He’s really annoyed when he gets to Liz’s house and she says her parents want him to come in and say hello. But he deals with it and they go off to the party, taking Jessica with them because Liz didn’t want her sitting around at home all night.

Will wants to apologize to Jessica, but she’s not home. He finds out about the Big Mesa party and drives all the way out there. When he finds Jessica talking to Jeremy, he tries to get her to leave with him. Jessica says she doesn’t want to and this starts a whole thing with Jeremy and his friends. Will invites them all outside where I guess he’s going to beat them all up, but Jessica pleads with him not to fight them. He finally just leaves.

Conner and Liz go into a bedroom to make out for a minute. When they leave, another couple slips in. It’s some tall, good-looking black guy and Tia. Jessica and Jeremy dance together and she realizes how much she misses him and also how mad Will would be if he found out she was dancing with Jeremy. Meanwhile, Will goes to Melissa’s house. Well, that didn’t take long.

The Cover: At no point in this book do Will and Jessica look that happy.

This book apparently used to belong to some girl named Holly (her name is written in sparkly green ink on more than one page). Holly seems confused about someone named Alice. I wonder if White Rabbit was playing while she was reading this book.

Well, Holly, if you’re listening to the song this brings to my mind, the answer is “Jefferson Airplane.”

(As Sarah points out in the comments below, Holly is actually probably looking for Smokie – Living Next Door to Alice. Thanks, Sarah!)