The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Ski trip, “welcome back from being trapped in an avalanche” party for Todd

Synopsis:

It’s spring break again and this time we’re off to Colorado for a ski trip. Sixteen students, including the twins, Lila, Enid, Todd and Winston, and two chaperones will be making the trip. Lila and Jessica get themselves a couple of “snow bunny” outfits and vow to break hearts all week long. Todd is feeling horny. Everyone is teasing Liz about all the alone time she’ll have with Todd, but she keeps saying they’re being silly, they’ll have roommates and chaperones to keep them company. Everyone gets on some super duper bus that has bunk beds or something, and they drive through the night. While everyone is sleeping, Todd sneaks up the aisle and lays down next to Liz and spoons her. She wakes up and tells him to go away, then Mr. Collins yells for Todd to get back to his own bunk.

Their first day on the slopes, Lila and Jessica meet a gorgeous ski instructor named Lucas King and start acting like they don’t know how to ski, because everyone knows guys hate chicks that know how to do stuff. Jessica manages to get away from Lila and then finagle Lucas into agreeing to a whole day’s worth of lessons. Lila is pissed. They make a deal. Whoever kisses Lucas first wins, and the loser has to ski down Devil’s Run, the most dangerous slope.

That night, Todd walks Liz upstairs when she says she wants to go to sleep. Inspiration strikes and he says he wants to show her his room. She figures he just wants a more private goodnight kiss, so she goes along. Todd starts getting fresh and Liz’s poor sensibilities just can’t take it when he tells her he’s arranged for Winston to sleep somewhere else that night. She looks horrified and stalks into the bathroom. Todd thinks she just wants to freshen up before they get “more intimate.” He settles onto the bed, looking all smug, and Liz comes out of the bathroom and pours a glass of water in his lap. Todd never takes down the Do Not Disturb sign, so poor Winston has to sleep in the lobby all night.

Liz manages to avoid Todd most of the next day, but he eventually finds her and tries to talk. Liz skis away from the path to get away from him. He follows her, and then there’s an avalanche. He loses Liz, but some thirty-something woman in red who’s been eyeing Todd all day comes along and takes him to a cabin. The woman introduces herself as Cassandra, and Todd thinks over and over again how attractive she is. He tears his eyes away from Cassandra long enough to build a fire and call the ski patrol on the handy radio in the kitchen. Liz is in the ski patrol cabin and she hears his voice so she knows he’s okay, but then the radio goes out and she doesn’t hear anything more.

Cassandra flirts with Todd all evening and he’s all, “But Mrs. Robinson!” He lets her have the bed while he sleeps on the couch. He wakes up in the middle of the night to find this thirty-year-old woman kissing him. He freaks out and pushes her away. Uh, lady? People get arrested for that sort of thing.

Enid is feeling ugly again, like she does anytime she goes anywhere with the Wakefield twins. She’s still sad about her breakup with Hugh and she’s determined to meet some guy on this trip and make him fall in love with her. She has a book called A Hundred and One Ways to be Sassy on the Slopes. Enid does everything the book tells her to do, but she keeps attracting guys she doesn’t like. She’s pretty picky for an ugly loser, don’t you think?

Liz is out of her mind worrying about Todd. She insists on staying in the ski patrol cabin. A ski patrol guy named Dirk lets her stay and pretty much breaks all kinds of rules for her. Liz keeps telling him she wants to go with him to search for Todd and he lets her, even though it’s really dangerous. They eventually figure out which cabin Todd is in, and Liz is the first one through the door after they dig the snow away. She walks in and sees Todd and Cassandra kissing. (Really, Cassandra was kissing Todd and he was trying to get away from her, but let’s not tell Liz.) Later, Liz is sitting in front of the fire in the lobby of the lodge, feeling sorry for herself. Dirk sits next to her and tells her what a jerk Todd is, and then he kisses her. Liz tries to push him away, but then, of course, Todd comes up behind them and starts yelling at Liz. Oh, god, I hate you guys. I’ll save you some suspense and tell you they get back together in the end. Of course.

Lila finds out about a party Lucas is going to and slips away to crash it. Jessica is looking out the window when Lila gets back, and she sees Lucas and Lila kissing. Hooray for Lila getting the guy before Jessica! Jessica starts down Devil’s Run the next day, but Lucas finds out and goes speeding over there, much to Lila’s chagrin, because he still thinks Jessica and Lila are beginners. Jessica is actually doing just fine, but she sees Lucas zooming toward her and gets distracted. She crashes into him, fracturing her ankle and spraining his. Lucas decides to stay at the lodge to be close to the clinic, so the next day, Jessica sneaks over to his room while Lila is skiing. They hang out on the couch and just after they start making out, along comes Lila. Jessica tells her to go away. So Lila pays a room service guy fifty bucks to let her hide under his cart. When he pushes the cart into Lucas’ room, Lila jumps out from under the tablecloth and she and Jessica start screaming at each other. Lucas peaces out. Jessica and Lila find him later at Todd’s Welcome Back party, making out with Enid.

Quotes:

“A snow bunny, Jess?” Elizabeth asked, her tone horrified. “Don’t you see how that kind of language just supports the sexist stereotypes that women—”

“Lighten up, Liz,” Jessica urged.

Seriously.

The Cover: Ooh, look at that sexy naked arm helping to hang that Do Not Disturb sign up. As for the inner cover, I have no idea who that’s supposed to be. Todd and Liz? Liz and Dirk? Jessica and Lucas? No idea.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Party at Secca Lake, “Welcome Back from the Dead” party for Jessica

Synopsis:

UGH.

The prologue takes us back to “last year” when Margo died at Fowler Crest on New Year’s Eve. But apparently, nobody noticed the ambulance suddenly stop and then start again after leaving the house. I guess this is a suggestion that Margo is not actually dead and somehow managed to overpower the EMS guys and steal their ambulance.

It’s gonna be a long recap, I can already tell.

A couple weeks before Christmas, a girl named Nora Chappelle is at her father’s wake in Savannah, Georgia. Nora hates her stepmother, Blanche. She overhears Blanche’s cousins talking about Nora’s real mother being insane. After the funeral, Blanche gives Nora a check for fifty thousand dollars and tells her to get lost. Then she says Nora has a twin sister somewhere named Margo. Blanche made Nora’s father put Margo up for adoption when they got married. Nora vows to find her sister. Nora just ain’t right. You can tell because she thinks she can see smells. Also, she suddenly starts talking to mirrors as though her reflection is Margo.

There’s a party up at Secca Lake and Todd is running late. He’s driving way too fast on the winding roads and ends up crashing through the guard rail. Jessica, who is of course also running late, sees Todd’s car about to go over the cliff. She manages to pull him out just before the car falls and explodes. Up at the lake, Liz sees the big fiery ball and calls 911 on Lila’s cellular phone before racing to the scene. She sees Jessica climbing into the ambulance with Todd’s stretcher and gets upset when nobody will tell her anything. At the hospital, Jessica and Todd make googly eyes at each other. The doctor refers to Jessica as Todd’s girlfriend and neither of them corrects him.

When Liz finally gets to the hospital, she’s totally jealous that Jessica was the one who saved Todd, not her. Todd staring at Jessica with “a look he usually reserved for Elizabeth” doesn’t help matters. Jessica can tell Liz is jealous and it irritates her. That night, Liz has the same dream she had last year about a girl who she thinks is Jessica but who has black hair trying to kill her. The next morning, the newspaper runs a picture of Jessica and Todd at the hospital. The headline is, “Local Girl Saves Her Boyfriend’s Life.” Liz goes to the hospital to visit Todd. He tries to reassure her when she says she’s jealous. It works until she gets home and finds Jessica telling all her friends that Todd pledged his undying gratitude to her the night before.

Meanwhile, Nora’s gotten hold of a bunch of documents pertaining to Margo. She learns all about the Wakefield twins and how Margo tried to kill Liz to impersonate her. The article Nora has says Nora was pronounced dead, but on the way to the hospital, the ambulance went off the Palisades bridge and Margo’s body was never recovered. I guess nobody ever thought to inform the Wakefields. Nora is distraught and decides the Wakefield twins should die. Because she’s crazy.

Todd and Liz go to the Dairi Burger for a nice intimate date, but Todd wants to sit with Jessica and her friends. Amy and Lila start hounding Todd for details about Jessica’s rescue and Todd is more than happy to oblige. Liz and Ken are sick of the whole thing so they leave to go to a movie. When Liz gets home that night, Jessica is furious. She accuses Liz of ruining her date with Ken, and Liz accuses her of ruining her date with Todd. On Christmas Eve, Todd and Ken are at the Wakefields’ house for dinner, and Todd stands up and gives a toast to Jessica. Liz runs up to her room and starts crying. The twins, not wanting to have another Christmas like last year’s, make up the next morning.

Nora, who has arrived in Sweet Valley, puts on a blond wig and goes to spend Christmas with Margo’s ghost at the cemetery. A hand closes around her throat and Nora turns around to find Margo trying to kill her. Then Nora’s wig falls off and Margo is super confused. Nora introduces herself and takes Margo back to the hotel with her. Margo says she’s been spying on the twins for the past year. She teaches Nora everything she knows about them. They decide to kill both Wakefield twins and become them. But first, they have to make sure the twins hate each other again.

Nora pretends to be Liz and calls Todd and asks him to a movie, then makes out with him the whole night where Liz, who is at the theater with Enid, can see them. When Jessica gets home that night, Liz starts screaming at her and won’t listen to Jessica’s claims that she was with Ken all night. Nora’s proud of herself for impersonating Liz so well and she’s all psyched to try Jessica, but Margo says Nora has to be Liz. Yeah, Margo and Nora fight over who gets to be Jessica when they kill the twins and take over their lives.

On New Year’s Eve, the twins go to a carnival with their friends. Jessica goes into the House of Mirrors and gets totally creeped out. Then we don’t see her again until she shows up two hours later and Lila asks her where her earrings went. Hmm. Later that night, Nora sneaks into the Wakefield house and kills Jessica, Margo be damned. Liz is in the next room having a nightmare and she screams. Nora freaks out and starts climbing out the window. Liz runs to Jessica’s room and sees her, but thinks she’s Margo. The she sees Jessica’s dead body and starts screaming.

While the Wakefields are at the hospital, friends of the twins gather on the front lawn. It’s three-thirty in the morning, so I don’t know how any of them heard about what happened, but whatever. At the police station, Liz tries to tell the police that she saw Margo climbing out the window, but the detective is a bitch and just shows her Margo’s death certificate. Liz points out that Margo’s body was never found, but the detective is an idiot. Meanwhile, Nora hasn’t seen Margo all night. She gets it into her head that Margo is going to kill her, so she plans to kill her first. Then she’ll kill Liz and become her, since she fucked up on becoming Jessica.

Ned and Alice try to talk to Liz about funeral arrangements for Jessica, but Liz doesn’t think a funeral parlor is appropriate. She insists the memorial should be held at the school since it was Jessica’s favorite place in the world. Except for all those times she wanted to skip school and shit. But anyway. Two thousand people show up for the service. Liz reads a poem for Jessica and then runs off stage crying. Todd hugs her and says he’s sorry for whatever Liz thinks he did. Liz says she knows he wasn’t with Jessica that night and that Margo was tricking him. Todd acts like she’s crazy (“Margo’s dead. Remember?”) and Liz is all cryptic instead of just explaining that she was at the movies with Enid that night and saw Todd kissing someone who looked just like her.

After the memorial, Liz “feels Jessica’s presence” and is suddenly sure she’s alive. She tries to tell Steve, but he just thinks she’s losing her mind. She has a dream that night that there are two Margos trying to kill her. Now Liz is pretty sure Margo had a twin, that Jessica is still alive and that Margo is the one who got stabbed on New Year’s Eve. That’s a lot of information to glean from a nightmare. The police come over the next day to question her some more and the detective for some reason puts her gun on a table in the dining room. Liz makes an excuse and sneaks out through the dining room, picking up the gun on her way to the Jeep.

Liz goes to the school and sees the furnace room door open. She goes in and sees Jessica and Nora struggling. She holds up the gun, but can’t tell which one is really her twin, even though Jessica is the one who’s tied up. She makes what looks to me to be a random choice and aims the gun at Nora, telling Jessica to pick up Nora’s knife and cut herself free. She explains to Jessica that Margo had a twin, and tells Nora she killed her own twin sister that night, not Jessica.

The cops show up and arrest Nora and the world sits comfortably on its axis for another day. A few days later, Lila, Liz and Steve throw Jessica a “Welcome Back from the Dead” party. Seriously.

Quotes:

Margo shook her head. “This is my show,” she said. Nora detected a hint of menace in her voice. “The cast includes me in the role of Jessica, and you as Elizabeth. There are no understudies.” … [Nora] hated going against Margo’s wishes. But she wasn’t ready to give up her dream. Not by a long shot.

I can’t believe they seriously have a falling out because they can’t agree on who gets to be Jessica.

The Cover: I guess there’s not really much to snark at here. It’s kind of a boring cover.

The Moral of the Story: Sweet Valley is a town full of morons.

The Big Deal: Another celebratory post-kidnapping party

Synopsis:

When Jeremy shows up at the Wakefields’ house and says Sue has disappeared, Liz is the only one who seems to think they should go look for her. Jeremy gives Jessica some lame excuse about why he was making out with Sue (“She threw herself at me! Honest!”), so Jessica is all ready to forgive him and leave Sue to her fate. Liz convinces them they need to go back to the cabin to try to find her.

When they get to the cabin where the party took place, Jeremy sends Liz and Jessica into the woods. Then he goes up to the attic of the cabin where Sue is waiting for him and tells her to just hold on for a few more hours and the inheritance is theirs. Then he rips off her necklace and goes outside. When the twins come back, he tells them he found the necklace in the woods.

Jeremy goes to the Wakefields’ house the next morning to tell Ned and Alice that Sue has disappeared. He stalls them until the phone rings. Ned puts it on speaker, and they all hear a voice demand half a million dollars (which is the same amount Sue is supposed to inherit) in exchange for Sue’s return, and then it says Sue will die if anyone calls the police. Jessica thinks the voice is familiar, and it’s clear to us that it’s a message Jeremy recorded. Ned wants to call the police regardless of what the kidnapper said, but Jeremy convinces him not to. He can’t, however, convince Ned not to call his detective buddy, Sam Diamond. Then everyone sits down for a delicious blueberry pancake breakfast. Jessica is overjoyed when Alice says the twins won’t be going to school, and she’s annoyed that Jeremy won’t make out with her because he’s so worried about Sue.

Jeremy goes back to the cabin and is furious to find Sue downstairs and not in the attic where he left her. He hollers at her because what if someone came searching for her? He takes her back upstairs and ties her up – just to keep up appearances, you know. Sue starts to wonder if this is really the best way to get her inheritance. And I don’t get this at all. Sue’s mother’s will stated that if Sue stayed away from Jeremy for two months, she’d inherit the money. So why couldn’t they just stay away from each other for two months? Why all this rigmarole? It’s so convoluted.

Sam Diamond shows up and it turns out it’s really Samantha Diamond. This affords the twins the opportunity to argue about women and careers and stuff, and Liz can’t believe Jessica doesn’t have a shred of feminism in her. I think Jessica sees how obnoxious Feminist Liz can be and is running in the other direction. Anyway, this is not the time or place for such a discussion. Everyone tells Sam what’s been going on. When “the kidnapper” calls again, Sam traces the call and is horrified when it comes back as unavailable. Ah, the advent of the cellular phone. The voice on the phone says that because the Wakefields contacted a detective, he now wants an extra thousand dollars added to the ransom and he wants the twins to be the ones to bring it to him.

Sam tells Jeremy and the Wakefields this whole thing must be kept top secret, so of course Jessica tries to tell Lila. She tells her Sue’s been kidnapped and is being held hostage, but she says it with her hand over the phone for some reason. Lila, of course, misunderstands and thinks the whole Wakefield family is being held hostage. And now it’s turned into another episode of Saved by the Bell.

Lila calls Robby and Todd and they decide they need to get into the house somehow and, I don’t know, overtake the kidnappers or something. Instead of just ringing the doorbell, they decide they need a disguise. Robby’s cousin works for Sweet Valley Power, so Robby says he can get uniforms and maybe a sweet truck. Meanwhile, Jeremy and the Wakefields are just hanging out at home. Jessica is getting pissed that Jeremy isn’t paying enough attention to her, so she goes to Steven’s room and steals the ring Steve was going to wear when he married Cara. Jessica gives it to Jeremy and finally gets his attention.

Ned comes back from the bank with the money, and Sam wires up the twins with microphones and sends them off to make the drop, planning to follow behind them. On the way out of the house, Jessica picks up a camcorder, thinking it might come in handy. After they leave, Jeremy tells Ned and Alice he wants to go to the cabin for some reason. He runs out of the house, pulling a ski mask on as he goes. Just then, Lila, Todd, Robby and Robby’s cousin, Sidney, pull up in a Sweet Valley Power truck. They see a man in a ski mask running across the lawn and figure he must be the kidnapper, so they all hop out of the truck and jump him. When they tear off the mask and see it’s Jeremy, they’re all, “Sorry, man,” and let him go. When someone wonders why he’s wearing a ski mask, someone else says it’s probably a Halloween thing. You people are idiots.

Jeremy goes to the cabin and gets Sue, who’s been tied to a chair in the attic for quite a while now. She doesn’t want to go through with the plan anymore but Jeremy yells at her and forces her into the car. When they get to the dropoff point, Jeremy tells Sue he’ll pick her up later at the Wakefields’ house. Sue gets out of the car and Liz puts the briefcase full of money in a phone booth before running back to the Jeep. Jeremy, wearing a long trenchcoat and a big hat, gets the money from the phone booth and takes off. Sam shows up and tells the girls the money was fake.

Sam, Sue and the twins go back to the Wakefields’ house, where they join Ned, Alice, Todd, Lila, Robby and Sidney for cake and ice cream. Ned proposes a toast to the twins and their bravery, and Liz sympathizes with Sue’s being tied to a chair for two days. Then everyone watches the tape Jessica made during the dropoff. Nobody can see anything identifiable about the kidnapper, except Jessica, who notices the man wearing the ring she gave Jeremy.

Quotes:

“Now, Alice,” said Mr. Wakefield, his voice optimistic, “don’t give up hope. Remember when Elizabeth was kidnapped? We were all so worried, and it all turned out fine in the end.”

Yeah, good times, good times.

“He gave me some bread in the morning and some water during the day.”

Mrs. Wakefield gasped. “But that’s torture!” she exclaimed, slicing another piece of cake and putting it on her plate.

I’m starting to think Mrs. Wakefield is a little “special.”

The Cover: So, to go along with the SBTB-esque quality of the plot, we’ve got a Zack Morris lookalike here on the cover, complete with Zack Morris hair and button-down shirt. Poor Sue is still wearing her witch costume from the Halloween party, and we’ve got great big kidnapper hands playing with the totally awesome cell phone. Jessica’s making a total bitchface.

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: Celebratory party at the Dairi Burger

Synopsis:

So, there are a few things wrong with this book first thing:

• It’s summer. Again.
• Cara is in Sweet Valley and apparently has not moved to London.
• But this takes place after Todd has moved to Vermont and back.
• Jessica has not met Sam.
• But the twins’ Jeep is still referred to as “new.”

Todd’s been getting some weird hangup phone calls lately. He and Liz are at the mall one day when Todd sees a guy named Kevin Holmes and freaks out. Todd has never told anyone about this, but when he was living in Vermont, he tackled Kevin in an alley to stop him from mugging someone. After the trial, as Kevin was being led away in handcuffs, he told Todd he was going to get even with him. And now he’s in Sweet Valley. Oh, dear.

Meanwhile, Todd’s having problems with his dad. Mr. Wilkins wants Todd to follow in the old man’s footsteps and get involved in the business. Todd and Liz and a bunch of their friends have lined up two-week jobs at Secca Lake as day camp counselors, but Mr. Wilkins wants Todd to intern at his company after that. Todd doesn’t wanna, and Liz thinks he should say so, but Todd says Liz just doesn’t understand.

The first day of camp at Secca Lake, Todd is horrified to discover Kevin Holmes is going to be a counselor. Kevin, Todd and Jessica will be the sports counselors. Kevin acts like he doesn’t know Todd, and to everyone else he seems like a happy and likable guy. Todd starts to think maybe the guy has reformed, but then Kevin threateningly tells him not to tell anyone about the mugging. Todd tries to tell his parents his concerns, but they say they heard from an old co-worker in Vermont that Kevin was in Sweet Valley to start over. They even try to tell him to be friends with the guy. Jeez, no wonder these kids never want to tell the adults what’s going on.

Kevin keeps beating Todd at volleyball and basketball. Todd handles it badly and it makes him look like a sore loser. Everyone loves Kevin and can’t figure out why Todd doesn’t like him. Liz is totally idiotic and thinks Todd is so moody lately because he wants to break up with her. Kevin and Jessica have been making eyes at each other all week at camp, and one night he asks her out. Liz, who clearly hasn’t been paying attention, thinks they should make it a double date. She’s sure that if Todd just spends enough time with Kevin, he’ll warm up to him. Somehow, Todd gets talked into letting everyone meet at his house before the movie. When Kevin gets there, he starts kissing Mr. Wilkins’ ass, and Mr. Wilkins ends up offering to try to find him a job at Varitronics, his company.

In every scene at Todd’s house, his parents talk about how nicely Kevin turned out and how great it is that he turned over a new leaf. After Todd lies and says he had fun with Kevin and the twins on their date, his parents tell him to invite Kevin over for dinner that night. Instead of lying and just telling them Kevin can’t make it, Todd actually invites Kevin over. Todd catches Kevin looking through Mr. Wilkins’ desk and runs to his father to snitch. Mr. Wilkins tells Todd he asked Kevin to bring him something. Now he’s all disappointed in Todd for being so unforgiving.

On Friday, Todd puts himself between Kevin and Liz, and Liz gets all pissed off and wants to know what Todd’s problem is. He says he would just like her to stay away from Kevin. Liz wants him to explain, but Todd can’t. So Liz breaks up with him. She thinks this whole thing is about her because Todd is unable or unwilling to communicate with her.

Christ, I’m bored. This book is going on forever. We’re only halfway through.

On Monday, Kevin spends all day at camp flirting with Liz while Jessica stands off to the side with her hands on her hips. Todd is watching them when one of the kids in his group starts drowning in the lake. He jumps in, but Kevin swims faster and gets there first. Once the kid is safe, Kevin says Todd should have been paying attention. Todd finally snaps and says something about Kevin turning the rescue into a competition. So now Todd looks like an ass, like he just cares who made the rescue and not that the kid is okay.

Ever since camp started the week before, people’s stuff has gone missing: Liz’s lavaliere, Winston’s lucky hat, Cara’s keychain. And on Tuesday, Todd reads in the paper that an old man was beaten and robbed just a few blocks from the apartment Kevin is renting. At camp that day, he spends the lunch hour alone in the lodge, leaving everyone outside to talk about him. Kevin tells some lies about the way Todd was in Vermont, saying he had a reputation as a bully and had once had a problem with a girl who had jumped out of his car to get away from him. All Todd’s friends say they don’t believe it, but you can tell they totally do.

On Wednesday morning, everyone is talking about the second mugging that took place the night before. Kevin joins in the conversation and acts all concerned. Todd can’t believe a person could mug someone at night and be so calm about it the next morning. So now he thinks Kevin must be innocent. Someone interrupts Todd’s thought process to ask him what he thinks about the muggings. Todd doesn’t know what to say and gets all weird and walks off. That afternoon, Kevin asks Liz out to dinner. At that moment, Todd is walking by and Liz thinks that if she can catch Todd’s eye and if he looks hurt or upset, she’ll turn Kevin down. When Todd just looks at Kevin all angry and bitter, Liz thinks he doesn’t care about her, so she tells Kevin she’ll go out with him. On their date, Liz realizes Kevin is kind of a jerk who only wants to talk about himself and keeps talking about how “things are falling into place.” And he gets angry when she doesn’t want to kiss him goodnight.

Later that night, Todd is restless so he drives out to Secca Lake to hang out. While there, he sees Kevin mug Melissa, one of the other camp counselors. Todd is too shocked and stupid to do anything about it, so he goes home. The next day after work, Todd decides he has to get some of this off his chest, so he tells Winston and Aaron about his history with Kevin. He’s decided he’ll go to the police in the morning. He goes to the lake early Friday morning to tell the ranger he’ll need to take part of the morning off, but the cops are there and they arrest him. A pen with his initials on it was found in the “precise location” where Melissa got robbed. And no, this isn’t enough to arrest a man, but when asked, Todd says, “I wasn’t carrying the pen, it was in my car, and I didn’t go on the beach, I stayed in the grass.” So stupid.

That afternoon, the counselors are having a barbecue to celebrate the last day of camp. Everyone is all sad about Todd getting arrested. Everyone except Kevin, who suggests a game. He says he has a Frisbee in his car and Jessica offers to get it. She finds Liz’s lavaliere in the backseat, then gathers Winston, Aaron, Enid and Cara around her. They decide that if Kevin stole the necklace, he could have stolen all the other stuff, too. And if he did that, then maybe Todd was telling the truth about what happened in Vermont. And if that’s true, then maybe the wrong man is behind bars!

Todd’s father picks him up. Todd is a minor so he’s being released to his parents until the hearing. He has his father drop him off at the lake so he can pick up his car. At the same time, Liz and Kevin are taking a walk. As soon as they’re in the woods and away from everyone else, Kevin gets all weird and starts telling Liz she shouldn’t care so much about Todd. He starts to get really angry and Liz gets scared. Todd gets to the lake and asks Jessica and the others where Kevin is. They realize both Kevin and Liz are gone. In the woods, Kevin starts babbling about a car accident that killed his brother and about how he never meant to hurt anyone. Then he tells Liz he wants Todd to know what it’s like to lose everything. He starts strangling Liz, and then Todd comes out of the woods to save the day.

At the police station, Kevin’s big confession is that he killed his brother in a car accident a few years ago. Kevin’s parents have never gotten over it and have always treated Kevin as if they wished he was the one who died. So that’s why he’s a lunatic.

Everyone goes to the Dairi Burger that night to celebrate Todd’s heroism.

Quotes:

“You could’ve let things slide and lived with the fact that Todd wasn’t giving his share to your relationship. Instead you took a positive step to change things.”

I love that Enid thinks it was so good and right of Liz to break up with Todd for having a few bad days. I mean, seriously, call him moody or whatever, but she broke up with him after only five days of him acting that way.

Kevin was asking her for a date. Her first instinct was to turn him down. With her heart aching over Todd, Elizabeth knew she couldn’t enjoy herself with another boy, particularly a boy her own sister was very interested in. At the same time, it seemed cruel to reject Kevin outright.

It’s not cruel to turn down a date with someone you don’t want to go out with. It’s okay to say no!

The Cover: Ew, look at this guy. First of all, his shoulders are way too big. Second, he looks like he’s at least thirty. Third, he looks like he thinks he’s really awesome.

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: A celebratory “Our whole family is back from being kidnapped” party.

Synopsis:

Liz is still worrying about Regina, so she drives over to the Morrows’ house. A strange woman answers the door and tells Liz that Regina isn’t there, but then Regina herself walks into the foyer. The woman pretty much kicks Liz out. Liz goes home, deciding on the way that she can’t tell her parents what’s going on because then they won’t let her go back to the Morrows’. But she does call the police. An officer goes to the Morrow house and meets the woman, who identifies herself as Claire Davis, Mrs. Morrow’s stepsister. The officer is just like, “Oh, okay.” He calls Liz back and kind of tells her to mind her own business.

Jessica comes up with the idea to have Bruce pose as a grocery delivery boy. She and Liz talk to Eddie, the regular delivery guy who first told Liz that Regina was back in town, and set everything up so that Bruce will take the delivery. They sneak a message in with the groceries. After Regina reads it, she writes a message back, tucks it in a compact and drops it out the window. We find out she’s being held hostage by a couple who wants a computer chip prototype her father invented. Or something. They have told her that her parents are being hidden, but that they’re fine.

Bruce and the twins find Regina’s note, in which she explains everything that’s happened. She doesn’t want them to call the police because the officer Liz called before made Claire nervous. She asks that they call Nicholas, who has been visiting a friend in San Francisco. Bruce calls him and tells him to come back to Sweet Valley. Nicholas and Liz drive to the Morrow house to check things out again and they see a car coming down the driveway. They pretend to be a couple on a romantic drive. This gives Nicholas the opportunity to kiss Liz. Very smooth. I don’t really get if they stopped in the middle of the road or if they kissed while the car was moving or what. Nicholas recognizes the driver of the other car as Phillip Denson, a guy Mr. Morrow had arrested for embezzlement about five years ago.

The kids find an address for Phil Denson and the four of them drive out to his house. There’s a teenager mowing the lawn, and Jessica works her magic on him and flirts with him until he tells her that his name is Mitch and that his father is indeed Phil Denson. Jessica asks him for a glass of water and peeks in the living room window while he’s inside. Mr. and Mrs. Morrow are tied up on the living room floor.

Back at Bruce’s, Nancy Drew and the gang try to figure out a part of Regina’s note that doesn’t make sense. Regina mentions that she’s been trying to figure out when Phil and Claire are going to have her go to Mr. Morrow’s plant to steal the microchip. She heard Claire say something that sounded like “Money is heaven,” but she doesn’t know what that means. I’m guessing she really said, “Monday at seven.” Regina’s hearing is only at eighty-five percent, you know. It takes the kids until page 79, and then it’s actually Jessica that figures it out, but they finally get it. Good work, Jess. They come up with a plan to save all the Morrows, then go to the beach to rest up for the adventure.

On Sunday morning, Jessica goes back to the Densons’ house and flirts with Mitch some more to try to find out where Phil is going to be the next night. She doesn’t get anywhere. On Monday morning, Denson makes Mr. Morrow call the plant and tell them he’s still in Switzerland meeting with clients who want to see the chip and that he’s sending Regina to the plant to get it.

So here’s the Scooby plan: Jessica and Bruce will take Nicholas’ Jeep to Phil Denson’s house. Nicholas and Liz will go to the plant. They’re sure Claire won’t do anything to hurt Regina while at the plant, so when Nicholas sees that Regina is safely inside, he’ll call the Jeep’s phone so Bruce and Jessica know it’s okay to rescue the Morrows and hightail it back to Sweet Valley. Liz will intercept Claire and Regina and stall them somehow, and that’s when Nicholas will FINALLY call the police like he should have a hundred pages ago. The only problem with this plan is that the kids have no idea where Phil will be during this whole thing.

Turns out Phil will be barreling down the street towards home just as Jessica is flirting with Mitch to distract him while Bruce is inside untying the Morrows. A commotion ensues and in the end Phil has a gun and nobody else does so I guess he wins. But when he points the gun at Jessica, Mitch freaks out and tries to grab it. Bruce takes the opportunity to rush everyone out of the house and into the Jeep.

Meanwhile, Liz is stalling Claire and Regina while Nicholas is on the phone arguing with the police. Apparently he managed to get the same officer who told Liz nothing was wrong at the Morrow house. The bastard actually puts Nicholas on hold and takes another call, then comes back and tells Nicholas they’re on their way because the other call was from Mr. Morrow. I guess he only believes adults. As soon as he’s off the phone, Nicholas “charges forward” and grabs Regina’s arm. Claire threatens to shoot. Just then the Jeep pulls up with Phil Denson’s car right behind it. Phil and Claire have them all at gunpoint, and just as Phil finishes his Evil Villain Speech, they all hear sirens approaching. Phil, Claire and Mitch are arrested and everyone else is invited to have pizzas at the Morrows and help plan “the biggest, most spectacular party that this neighborhood has ever seen!”

Setup for the next book: Ken Matthews is flunking English. If he does he’ll be kicked off the football team. And yes, this is brought up in the middle of conversations about the Morrows’ kidnapping. It looks like Ken is dating Suzanne Hanlon, some uptight know-it-all PBA member. Liz hopes Suzanne will be able to help Ken with his English.

Quotes:

“Jess is downstairs, calling Eddie Strong on the second line that our parents just had installed,” she added.

Gee, thanks for that extraneous information. I wonder if it will come in handy?

…

Nope, it sure didn’t.

Nicholas and Elizabeth were special friends.

I guess you could say that…

“It looks like Walter is giving Regina a package.”

Nicholas gasped. “The chip prototype!”

Um, yes. Are you surprised? Don’t you remember this being part of the plan?

The Cover: I’m consistently disappointed in Regina’s covers. She’s nowhere near as pretty as she’s supposed to be. And I don’t really get what’s happening here. “You see this rag? Well, if you don’t want to end up like this rag, you just do what I say.” Totally don’t get it.

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: This book starts where the last one left off, at the I-Just-Got-Kidnapped party. Later, there is a party at Cara’s house.

Synopsis:

At the Party that Spans Three Chapters, Elizabeth finally meets Nicholas Morrow, the new guy in town Jessica has been raving about. Nicholas instantly falls in love with Liz. Why? I don’t get it. It’s love at first sight, but since he’s already met Jessica I don’t understand why he’s not in love with her too. Whatever. Nicholas is a jackass, in my opinion, and keeps Liz away from Todd during the party and keeps hounding her about going out with him, claiming it’s not fair for her to turn him down since she doesn’t even know him. Liz is an idiot so she agrees to a date. She goes to find Todd to tell him about it and finds him sulking about how much she’s been ignoring him and hanging on Nicholas all night. Liz, seeing how jealous Todd is of Nicholas already, doesn’t even consider calling off the date. Instead, she just decides now isn’t the time to tell Todd about it.

Meanwhile, Jessica is flirting with Randy Mason, resident computer nerd, in the hopes she’ll get him to teach her about computers and give her an edge with Nicholas. She acts like a dumb blonde (ugh) and I guess Randy likes that because he fawns all over her and does whatever she wants. This is totally unbelievable to me, because in my experience smart guys like smart girls, not dumb ones. Anyway, a few days later, she goes to his house and he teaches her how to “run a program” on the computer and is all impressed when she can do it on the first try.

The twins run into Nicholas at the mall and Jessica is convinced he’s in love with her even though he does little more than say hello. Later, Liz and Nicholas decide to meet at Cote d’Or, a fancy restaurant about an hour outside Sweet Valley. Liz still hasn’t told Todd about the date and it’s eating her up, so she calls Enid for advice. Enid, so wise, tells her she’ll have to go on the date (because she promised!) but that she has to tell Todd.

Jessica convinces Randy to hack into the school’s brand new computer and change her math grade. He does so because men are powerless in the face of Jessica Wakefield’s feminine wiles. Later that night, Randy calls to tell Jessica he’s turning himself in, but tells Liz instead because he thinks she’s Jess. Liz drags Jessica down to the school to confess her own part in it. Mr. Cooper wants to suspend Randy and Jessica, but doesn’t. Know why? Because Elizabeth asks him not to. Honestly.

Finally, it’s date night for Liz and Nicholas. They have a wonderful evening and everything is fine until Todd and his family show up. Panicking, Liz pretends to be Jessica. When Todd gets home he’s still confused by his encounter with “Jessica” so he races over to the Wakefields’ house. Jessica answers the door and Todd kisses her before finding out she’s not Liz. He’s 0 for 2 tonight. He tells Jessica about Liz’s date with Nicholas and pretty soon the two of them are fuming. Todd decides it’s over between him and Liz. Yeah, yeah, heard that one before. After Jessica gets Liz to confess later that night, she forgives her because she really doesn’t like Nicholas that much anymore anyway.

Big basketball game the next night. Todd’s really frakking things up out there because he’s so upset over Liz. Then Nicholas has a talk with him in the locker room and tells him Liz only has eyes for her brown-haired, brown-eyed basketball star. Upon hearing this, Todd gets his ball playing mojo back and goes out to win the game. Apparently there are no other players on the team. Liz and Todd get back together and go to a post-game party at Cara’s house (on a Monday night?), where Todd lets Liz dance with Nicholas. Aw, cute.

Quotes:

Jessica halfheartedly started putting things away in the kitchen.

Just wondering if there’s any other way to do this. What would it look like to wholeheartedly put things away in the kitchen?

“But that’s not a crime…Is it?” she whispered.

“It could be!”Mr. Cooper’s tone sent chills racing up and down her spine.

Oh, Chrome Dome, way to put the fear into those kids!

“Nicholas begged me to. He wanted me to get to know him. I felt I owed him that.”

Liz’s motivation through this whole book makes me sick. She promises a complete stranger she’ll go out with him, and keeping that promise is apparently more important than making sure her sister and boyfriend don’t get hurt. Ugh, zark off, Liz, you and your integrity.

Jessica and the Number 137:

“You know…there must be a hundred and thirty-seven people waiting to meet you.” p. 13

“If I don’t pass, my parents will ground me for a hundred and thirty-seven years.” p. 62

“Enid Rollins is about one hundred and thirty-seven different kinds of nerd.” p. 90

Liz (as Jessica): “Wait until I tell Elizabeth. Then you’ll be in trouble. About a hundred and thirty-seven different kinds.” p. 101

The Cover: Nicholas is pretty handsome with his floppy hair, but damn, Liz looks rough! And I can’t figure out what she’s doing with her hand there. It looks like, “Who, me, go out with another boy when I’m completely in love with my wonderful Todd? Why, I’d never do such a thing!” Lies, all lies.

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: The book opens with a big party at the Morrows’ house and ends with a celebratory I-just-got-kidnapped party at the Wakefields’ house.

Synopsis: Okay, so the first thing that happens in this book is Jessica asking Steven to zip up her dress. Steven does so while wearing only a towel. I don’t know about anyone else, but my siblings and I would never interact with each other unless we were wearing clothes. Anyway…

The Morrow family just moved to town and they have two children: Regina, who is deaf, and Nicholas, who is handsome. They’re throwing a party for everyone, which is odd since they haven’t actually met anyone yet. But whatever. Jessica is determined to make Nicholas Morrow fall in love with her, so she barely notices when Liz never shows up to the party. It takes Todd pushing her into the pool to get her to notice something is wrong.

Liz, meanwhile, has been kidnapped. An orderly at the hospital where she works takes her from her car and brings her home with him. He does this because he’s in love with her because she’s always been so nice to him. I swear, the Wakefields need to start walking around with bodyguards if they’re going to continue to be so perfect and lovable all the time.

So Carl the orderly plans to keep Elizabeth with him forever and love her and squeeze her and call her George. There is absolutely no risk of sexual violation, of course, because that would be too far within the realm of realism and it only happens with people we know, like Bruce Patman. Elizabeth worries that he’s going to kill her, but he really just wants to be with her. Aww. Liz has trouble eating the frozen pancakes he makes her because they’re not like the homemade ones her mother makes. Spoiled brat. Shortly before Carl is to carry out his plan to take her to a secluded cabin someplace where nobody will ever find them, Todd and Jessica save the day. Elizabeth chooses to celebrate by throwing a party.

Right.

Quotes:

The stumble, the lack of response to Jessica-It was only natural to conclude that the Morrow girl was drunk.

Because you’d have to be intoxicated not to be enthralled with Jessica, you know.

A loud pounding on the door was followed by the arrival of the first friendly face she’d seen in almost forty-eight hours. “Are you all right?” the police officer asked.

“Now I am,” Elizabeth responded joyously as the officer began to untie her.

Not even untied yet and she’s over it. Nope, no post-traumatic stress here, not in Sweet Valley.

The Cover: Does anyone else think Liz looks like she’s posing for a pin-up calendar? What’s with the goofy “Oops, I’ve just been caught doing something naughty!” expression? I will say, though, that the ribbon in her hair is better than her usual barrettes. And it matches her shirt, naturally.

The Big Deal: “Welcome home” party at the Wakefields’ and a “pickup party” at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Most of the first chapter (part of which is for some reason told from Liz’s perspective, even though she’s in a coma) consists of Jessica blabbering to a comatose Liz about how guilty she feels about what happened, blah, blah, blah. Then Liz wakes up and has turned into Jessica. Jess is fine with that until Liz returns to school and everyone thinks she’s Jessica.

Then out of nowhere, Ned mentions that the Percys are going to Europe and their children will be staying with the Wakefields. First of all, who the frak are the Percys? And why do they have twin girls? The twins are brunettes, so they’re described as fragile and bratty. Anyway, Liz goes out on a date and sticks Jessica with the kids.

All this time poor Todd is having trouble adjusting to his girlfriend being the town whore. It all comes to a head at a disastrous basketball game. As we all know, losing a game is the absolute worst thing that can ever happen in Sweet Valley. It’s like that scene in Pleasantville in which all the basketballs miss the net. Worst. Thing. Ever. This prompts the basketball coach to have a talk with Todd about how if Liz is acting different then something must be wrong.

Because Ned and Alice are the worst parents in the world, Jessica gets stuck taking the Percy twins to some flute audition, which causes her to miss a date. Then, because she’s frustrated, she has a fender bender in the Fiat. When Ned and Alice find out, the Percy twins lie for Jessica and keep her out of trouble so all’s good in the hood on that front.

Lila has a “pickup party,” which seems to be code for “be a slut and see who you end up with.” Liz leaves with Bruce, who is well on his way to date raping her when Todd shows up and punches him. The next weekend, Liz goes out with Bruce again while Jessica pretends to be Liz to go on a date with Bill Chase (Liz has double booked her Saturday night).

At the Patmans’ beach house, Liz and Bruce are about to get down when Liz falls and hits her head. She suddenly has no memory of anything since the hospital and doesn’t know why she’s with Bruce. Bruce, troubled young man that he is, threatens to rape her if she doesn’t give it up willingly. Liz runs out of the house and into the arms of Todd Wilkins, who just so happens to be right there. Everything is wonderful again.

Quotes:

“She’ll probably have all the work made up and a dozen stories written for The Oracle before I finish that one stupid book report on Moby Dick. I mean, Todd, who really cares about whales?”

Todd did, but he let the comment slide by.

I don’t know why, but this really cracked me up.

As soon as the Percy twins were settled in Steven’s room, Ned and Alice Wakefield left for a game of bridge.

There is so much wrong with this sentence. First, Ned and Alice drop this bombshell that these bratty twins are coming to stay for a few weeks, then as soon as they’re there, they leave? Second, we know their last name is Wakefield, you don’t have to mention it all the time. And last, bridge? A game of bridge? Really?

“Elizabeth, I hope you know that I’m a friend, not only a teacher and an adviser. And friends don’t dish out a lot of applesauce to each other.”

Oh, Mr. Collins. What does that mean? He says it twice in this book. It must be some ’80′s slang that I don’t know anything about.

“But I saw you two on the beach together. If you were with Bruce, who’s with Bill?”

Hmm, I don’t know, Todd. Let’s think about that one. *facepalm*

Jessica and the Number 137:

“I’m just wondering if Todd’s seen you in that nightgown. I bet it’d raise his temperature about a hundred and thirty-seven degrees!”

Why, she’s doing at least a hundred and thirty-seven things I usually do, Jessica raged inwardly.

“Who told you that?”

“You did, a hundred and thirty-seven times.”

The Cover: The cover and the synopsis on the back both want you to think the whole book is about waiting for Liz to wake up from her coma. She wakes up on page 12.