Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: A week of starving in the woods will help you figure your whole life out.

The Big Deal: Barbecue at Secca Lake

Synopsis:

Liz is super pissed at Todd and Devon. She’s completely overreacting, pacing around and crying just because a couple of punches were thrown. Whatever. You cheated on one with the other and got them fighting over you and now you’re complaining? Bitch, please. Liz decides she needs to do something to prove her independence from guys. Enid tells her about some Project Adventure camping trip and Liz convinces her parents to let her take a week off of school to do it. She’ll be learning to survive in the woods on nothing but a pocket knife and her wits. Sounds awful.

Jessica can’t believe Liz actually wants to do this instead of help her plan the barbecue she’s decided to throw at Secca Lake. Liz doesn’t want to help Jessica because she’s so mad at her, but for some reason she ends up agreeing to write the text for the invitations before she leaves for her stupid camping trip. Meanwhile, both Devon and Todd are totally depressed that Liz won’t speak to them. Todd can’t stop thinking about her and Devon actually considers drowning himself in the ocean. Guys, she ain’t that hot.

Todd takes up mountain biking with that hippie Keith Wagner, and pretty soon he has all the guys doing it. They bail on their dates, lie to their girlfriends and high-five each other while they talk about what a natural high mountain biking is. I’m suddenly wondering if “mountain biking” is code for something else entirely. Todd loves “mountain biking” so much that all his anxieties about Liz start to disappear and he actually brings himself to invite Devon to join the fun. Devon’s much too cool for that and rolls his eyes as he turns Todd down. The guys are all eating at Guido’s one night after a bike trip when someone mentions Liz’s Project Adventure trip. Todd, who thought Liz was just avoiding him, can’t believe she’s out in the woods. He starts to run out the door to “rescue” her, but Aaron talks some sense into him. When Devon finds out what Liz is doing this week, it for some reason depresses him so much that he decides he should just leave town.

Jessica and the other girls are fed up with the boys ditching them every day. They follow them after school one day to the Great Mountain National Reserve and see them all get on their bicycles. By an amazing coincidence, Devon has chosen this day to leave town. He’s packed up his saddlebags and is taking one last ride through town on his motorcycle. He ends up at the Great Mountain National Reserve. Todd sees him and asks again if he wants to join the ride. Bruce has an extra bike, so Devon borrows it and off they go.

Meanwhile, Liz is in the woods on the last evening of her big nature adventure when she sees Todd and Devon fly by on bicycles. She thinks it’s a hallucination because she’s so hungry. Then Jessica, Lila, Amy and white Maria show up and start talking to her. Jessica has to pinch Liz to convince her she’s not having visions. They try to convince her to come with them to the Dairi Burger, but now that Liz has seen Devon and Todd hanging out together, she feels like she can face the night alone. Or something. She goes home the next day feeling all good about herself.

Devon and Todd have agreed they both need to stay away from Liz so she can make up her mind about them. Then both of them decide they need to see her anyway. Before the party on Saturday, Todd goes over to Liz’s and they have a nice chat and agree that no matter what happens, they’ll always be friends. Hooray for them not getting back together! Then Liz freaks out because she forgot to go pick up some deli trays for the party and the deli closes in half an hour. Todd offers to do it and Liz tells him to take the Jeep and she’ll drive his car to the party. Todd and Devon meet in the driveway and yell at each other for a few minutes. Devon starts getting all emo again as he knocks on the door. Liz lets him in, but the phone rings immediately. It’s Jessica, telling Liz the brakes are out on the Jeep and she should take Alice’s station wagon.

Liz freaks out and tells Devon that Todd is in her death trap of a car and she needs to go save him. She starts to get into the station wagon, but Devon convinces her his motorcycle will be faster. Liz agrees. I don’t get it. When you find Todd, where are you going to put him? Furthermore, weren’t you in a motorcycle crash a while back? Whatever. They catch up to Todd just in time to see him crash the Jeep through a guard rail. Now the Jeep is perched precariously on the edge of a cliff. How many times can this really happen to one person?

Devon pulls Todd out of the Jeep just before it goes over the side of the cliff. Bye-bye Jeep. Todd is unconscious, and a nice lady passing by calls an ambulance. Everyone rushes to the hospital. Jessica and her friends go back to the party as soon as they find out Todd’s going to live, but Liz and Devon stay. The nurse says Liz can go in, and she’s so happy he’s not going to die that she almost goes in there and tells him he’s the one she wants to be with. Then, thank goodness, she stops and thinks. She realizes she wants to try being single for a while.

I think Liz and Todd have really broken up this time! Hooray!

Quotes:

Jessica crossed her arms behind her head and sank deeper into the couch. You’re awesome, Jess, she told herself, simply amazing.

Jessica tells herself this after she comes up with the incredible idea of throwing a party. I’m not sure if that actually qualifies her as amazing.

“What?” he yelled. “That’s out in the middle of nowhere! She won’t be able to handle it!” He pulled some money out of his pocket and threw it on the table.

“Where are you going?” Bruce demanded.

“To rescue Liz,” Todd shot back, starting for the door.

What a drama queen.

Once the bikes were off the cars, Todd and his group started walking them toward the mountains. Devon hesitated a moment, but he was really curious to see what they were up to.

Um, I think they’re gonna ride bikes.

The Cover: This never happens! Which guy is that supposed to be, anyway?

The Moral of the Story: Christmas is a bad time to be a Wakefield twin.

The Big Deal: Party at Secca Lake, “Welcome Back from the Dead” party for Jessica

Synopsis:

UGH.

The prologue takes us back to “last year” when Margo died at Fowler Crest on New Year’s Eve. But apparently, nobody noticed the ambulance suddenly stop and then start again after leaving the house. I guess this is a suggestion that Margo is not actually dead and somehow managed to overpower the EMS guys and steal their ambulance.

It’s gonna be a long recap, I can already tell.

A couple weeks before Christmas, a girl named Nora Chappelle is at her father’s wake in Savannah, Georgia. Nora hates her stepmother, Blanche. She overhears Blanche’s cousins talking about Nora’s real mother being insane. After the funeral, Blanche gives Nora a check for fifty thousand dollars and tells her to get lost. Then she says Nora has a twin sister somewhere named Margo. Blanche made Nora’s father put Margo up for adoption when they got married. Nora vows to find her sister. Nora just ain’t right. You can tell because she thinks she can see smells. Also, she suddenly starts talking to mirrors as though her reflection is Margo.

There’s a party up at Secca Lake and Todd is running late. He’s driving way too fast on the winding roads and ends up crashing through the guard rail. Jessica, who is of course also running late, sees Todd’s car about to go over the cliff. She manages to pull him out just before the car falls and explodes. Up at the lake, Liz sees the big fiery ball and calls 911 on Lila’s cellular phone before racing to the scene. She sees Jessica climbing into the ambulance with Todd’s stretcher and gets upset when nobody will tell her anything. At the hospital, Jessica and Todd make googly eyes at each other. The doctor refers to Jessica as Todd’s girlfriend and neither of them corrects him.

When Liz finally gets to the hospital, she’s totally jealous that Jessica was the one who saved Todd, not her. Todd staring at Jessica with “a look he usually reserved for Elizabeth” doesn’t help matters. Jessica can tell Liz is jealous and it irritates her. That night, Liz has the same dream she had last year about a girl who she thinks is Jessica but who has black hair trying to kill her. The next morning, the newspaper runs a picture of Jessica and Todd at the hospital. The headline is, “Local Girl Saves Her Boyfriend’s Life.” Liz goes to the hospital to visit Todd. He tries to reassure her when she says she’s jealous. It works until she gets home and finds Jessica telling all her friends that Todd pledged his undying gratitude to her the night before.

Meanwhile, Nora’s gotten hold of a bunch of documents pertaining to Margo. She learns all about the Wakefield twins and how Margo tried to kill Liz to impersonate her. The article Nora has says Nora was pronounced dead, but on the way to the hospital, the ambulance went off the Palisades bridge and Margo’s body was never recovered. I guess nobody ever thought to inform the Wakefields. Nora is distraught and decides the Wakefield twins should die. Because she’s crazy.

Todd and Liz go to the Dairi Burger for a nice intimate date, but Todd wants to sit with Jessica and her friends. Amy and Lila start hounding Todd for details about Jessica’s rescue and Todd is more than happy to oblige. Liz and Ken are sick of the whole thing so they leave to go to a movie. When Liz gets home that night, Jessica is furious. She accuses Liz of ruining her date with Ken, and Liz accuses her of ruining her date with Todd. On Christmas Eve, Todd and Ken are at the Wakefields’ house for dinner, and Todd stands up and gives a toast to Jessica. Liz runs up to her room and starts crying. The twins, not wanting to have another Christmas like last year’s, make up the next morning.

Nora, who has arrived in Sweet Valley, puts on a blond wig and goes to spend Christmas with Margo’s ghost at the cemetery. A hand closes around her throat and Nora turns around to find Margo trying to kill her. Then Nora’s wig falls off and Margo is super confused. Nora introduces herself and takes Margo back to the hotel with her. Margo says she’s been spying on the twins for the past year. She teaches Nora everything she knows about them. They decide to kill both Wakefield twins and become them. But first, they have to make sure the twins hate each other again.

Nora pretends to be Liz and calls Todd and asks him to a movie, then makes out with him the whole night where Liz, who is at the theater with Enid, can see them. When Jessica gets home that night, Liz starts screaming at her and won’t listen to Jessica’s claims that she was with Ken all night. Nora’s proud of herself for impersonating Liz so well and she’s all psyched to try Jessica, but Margo says Nora has to be Liz. Yeah, Margo and Nora fight over who gets to be Jessica when they kill the twins and take over their lives.

On New Year’s Eve, the twins go to a carnival with their friends. Jessica goes into the House of Mirrors and gets totally creeped out. Then we don’t see her again until she shows up two hours later and Lila asks her where her earrings went. Hmm. Later that night, Nora sneaks into the Wakefield house and kills Jessica, Margo be damned. Liz is in the next room having a nightmare and she screams. Nora freaks out and starts climbing out the window. Liz runs to Jessica’s room and sees her, but thinks she’s Margo. The she sees Jessica’s dead body and starts screaming.

While the Wakefields are at the hospital, friends of the twins gather on the front lawn. It’s three-thirty in the morning, so I don’t know how any of them heard about what happened, but whatever. At the police station, Liz tries to tell the police that she saw Margo climbing out the window, but the detective is a bitch and just shows her Margo’s death certificate. Liz points out that Margo’s body was never found, but the detective is an idiot. Meanwhile, Nora hasn’t seen Margo all night. She gets it into her head that Margo is going to kill her, so she plans to kill her first. Then she’ll kill Liz and become her, since she fucked up on becoming Jessica.

Ned and Alice try to talk to Liz about funeral arrangements for Jessica, but Liz doesn’t think a funeral parlor is appropriate. She insists the memorial should be held at the school since it was Jessica’s favorite place in the world. Except for all those times she wanted to skip school and shit. But anyway. Two thousand people show up for the service. Liz reads a poem for Jessica and then runs off stage crying. Todd hugs her and says he’s sorry for whatever Liz thinks he did. Liz says she knows he wasn’t with Jessica that night and that Margo was tricking him. Todd acts like she’s crazy (“Margo’s dead. Remember?”) and Liz is all cryptic instead of just explaining that she was at the movies with Enid that night and saw Todd kissing someone who looked just like her.

After the memorial, Liz “feels Jessica’s presence” and is suddenly sure she’s alive. She tries to tell Steve, but he just thinks she’s losing her mind. She has a dream that night that there are two Margos trying to kill her. Now Liz is pretty sure Margo had a twin, that Jessica is still alive and that Margo is the one who got stabbed on New Year’s Eve. That’s a lot of information to glean from a nightmare. The police come over the next day to question her some more and the detective for some reason puts her gun on a table in the dining room. Liz makes an excuse and sneaks out through the dining room, picking up the gun on her way to the Jeep.

Liz goes to the school and sees the furnace room door open. She goes in and sees Jessica and Nora struggling. She holds up the gun, but can’t tell which one is really her twin, even though Jessica is the one who’s tied up. She makes what looks to me to be a random choice and aims the gun at Nora, telling Jessica to pick up Nora’s knife and cut herself free. She explains to Jessica that Margo had a twin, and tells Nora she killed her own twin sister that night, not Jessica.

The cops show up and arrest Nora and the world sits comfortably on its axis for another day. A few days later, Lila, Liz and Steve throw Jessica a “Welcome Back from the Dead” party. Seriously.

Quotes:

Margo shook her head. “This is my show,” she said. Nora detected a hint of menace in her voice. “The cast includes me in the role of Jessica, and you as Elizabeth. There are no understudies.” … [Nora] hated going against Margo’s wishes. But she wasn’t ready to give up her dream. Not by a long shot.

I can’t believe they seriously have a falling out because they can’t agree on who gets to be Jessica.

The Cover: I guess there’s not really much to snark at here. It’s kind of a boring cover.

The moral of the story: Be wary of anyone who worships Jessica Wakefield. He or she is clearly not right in the head.

The Big Deal: Party at the lake, party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Famous theater director David Goodman has chosen Sweet Valley High for his annual student theater production of Macbeth. Jessica is going out for the part of Lady Macbeth and is sure she’ll get it. She makes it through the first two cuts, and Steven asks her if she’s sure she wants to be in the play. Apparently, there’s some curse associated with Macbeth, people dying before the play can be performed, that kind of thing. Jessica thinks he’s teasing. Meanwhile, there’s this weird sophomore girl named Paula Perrine who has been following Jessica around and it’s getting creepy. Jessica finally confronts her and says she’s seen Paula watching her. Paula gets all crazed and falls all over herself to tell Jessica how awesome and popular she is. When Jessica says, “You’re Paula Perrine, right?” Paula just about faints because Jessica Wakefield knows her name. Wow.

Jessica starts being nice to Paula now that she knows she adores her. Paula helps Jessica with her lines and prepares her for the final audition, and in the meantime, starts sitting with Jessica, Amy, Lila and their friends at lunch. Jessica’s hard work pays off and she gets the part of Lady Macbeth. Lila is cast as one of the witches. Ha.

One night, while Paula is at the house, Jessica leaves her alone in the living room when Sam calls. Liz can’t believe how rude Jessica is being, so she takes some soda and cookies and goes to talk to Paula. Paula can’t believe how nice Liz is, but then says that of course she’s nice, she’s Jessica’s sister. Then she asks Liz what Jessica is like and what it’s like to be her friend. Paula reminds me an awful lot of Dobby the house elf. Liz asks Paula about her family and finds out Paula’s mother died last year and her older brother ran away a couple months ago to get away from their abusive, alcoholic father. Paula is in Sweet Valley living with friends of her mother’s. Later that night, Liz tells Jessica what Paula told her. Jessica decides to be even nicer to Paula. She gives her a fakeover and talks her into auditioning for one of the smaller roles in the play.

Paula starts hanging around all the time. She gives Annie a present (a headband) and gets Lila to give her some tennis lessons. She does a lot of things that make me think that the whole story about her family was a lie. Paula starts doing little things to turn Jessica’s friends against her. She purposely does things to make Jessica angry, and then Jessica yells at her in front of everyone. The whole gang knows about Paula’s troubled past and they can’t believe Jessica would be so mean to someone who’s been through so much.

Jessica starts to get wise to Paula, and she knows for sure that something is wrong when Paula doesn’t tell her that Lady Macbeth’s understudy got mono and Paula has taken her place. Then she finds out Lila, Amy and Paula organized a party at the lake and didn’t invite her. Jessica is really tense around Paula and a little scared of her, but everyone thinks she’s just being a bitch.

Finally, it’s opening night of the play. Just two hours before she’s supposed to be at the school, Jessica gets a call from Paula, who says she’s an hour away in Cold Springs. She gives some sob story about how she thought her father was in the hospital, but he really just wanted money and stole Paula’s bus fare home. As much as she dislikes Paula, Jessica doesn’t want her to be stranded in Cold Springs. She drives up there and tries to follow the directions Paula gave her, but they don’t make any sense. She finally finds a map and discovers that none of the streets Paula gave her even exist. She calls the school to tell Mr. Goodman she’s on her way, but he says they can’t wait and Paula is already there in costume.

Jessica gets to the school and slips into a seat beside Liz, Sam and Todd. When Liz got home earlier and discovered that Jessica wasn’t there, she called Paula’s house and found out that not only is Paula’s mother alive and well, but her father has been dead for ten years. When Liz called, Paula and her brother were at the mall. Liz tells Jessica all this on the way to Lila’s cast party after the performance.

At Lila’s, Jessica confronts Paula in a most melodramatic and ridiculous way, with Liz and the boyfriends being the only ones behind her at first, but most everyone else moving to stand next to her by the end of her speech. The whole thing ends with Liz starting a slow clap.

The next morning, the twins have their friends over and everyone is hanging out by the pool. Then Paula shows up and doesn’t notice that everyone is giving her the evil eye. She finally catches on, says a few bitchy words and then turns around to leave, but Prince Albert the dog trips her and she falls into the pool. She refuses Jessica’s helping hand and pulls herself up and walks away in a huff.

There’s a hilarious side story about Lila playing the witch.

Quotes:

“Stop playing big sister with me,” said Jessica. “Remember, you’re four minutes older, not four years!”

Ooh, a twist on the usual page 2 spiel.

“Oh, wow! I don’t believe Jessica Wakefield actually knows my name!” cried Paula. Then she stopped, blushing. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. It’s just that you and your friends are so beautiful and so popular, I never dreamed you would notice someone like me.”

That’s just fucking creepy.

“Sleep shall neither night nor day hang upon his penthouse lid,” [Lila] said, throwing out her arms dramatically. In the process, Jessica noticed, she carefully positioned her hands directly in front of Annie and Rosa’s faces.

This actually made me giggle. Lila is awesome.

The Cover: Remember when we all wore our button down shirts knotted like Jessica’s? And our jeans all up around our waists? ‘Cause the early nineties were so awesome. Paula looks like a bitch.

The moral of the story: Only American girls can join sororities.

The Big Deal: Party at Rosa’s house, PBA picnic at Secca Lake, induction dance/party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Rose Jameson is new at Sweet Valley High. She’s super popular already, but she has a deep dark secret: her real name is Rosa Jiminez, and she is a Mexican. Her parents changed their last name to Jameson when they came to America, but Rosa was still made fun of all the time at her old school in Texas. When the Jamesons moved to Sweet Valley, Rosa decided to be Rose. The Jamesons have light enough skin for Rose to get away with this.

Rose has been invited to be a pledge in Pi Beta Alpha’s pledge rush. She’s happy and excited, but part of the process is an interview given by Lila. When asked, she says Jameson is an English name and that her family came over on the Mayflower. She says she’s from Boston instead of Texas. She tells a lot of big lies: she’s related to Queen Elizabeth, her family traveled to England, she met Princess Di and Fergie. The Pi Betas are totally impressed.

Rose is doing well in her pledge tasks, but Jessica, Lila and Amy show up at her house one day. She starts to panic, but manages to stay cool. The girls don’t stay very long, and after they leave, Rose realizes she had nothing to worry about and she should invite them over all the time. That very evening, she calls the other pledges and invites them over for the next afternoon. Then her parents tell her that Nana Jiminez will arrive tomorrow for a two week visit.

While Nana is in town, Rose has to keep coming up with excuses about why she can’t have anybody over to her house. She goes home every day right after school to spend time with Nana. Nana disapproves of Rose’s short hair and short skirts, and doesn’t like that Rose’s mother can’t cook very well. She shows Rose an old family recipe one night, and after that, Rose is no longer ashamed of her heritage. That came about suddenly, didn’t it? Even though she is no longer ashamed, there’s no way she can go back on the lies she told the Pi Betas.

Annoyed at Rose’s recent anti-social behavior, Lila tells Rose her third pledge task is to have a party Saturday night at her house. Rose is in a panic because Nana will be there and everyone will know she lied. By a stroke of luck, Nana’s favorite singer will be giving a concert on Saturday night about an hour away from Sweet Valley. Rose buys three tickets and convinces her parents to take Nana out of the house. After all the guests arrive, Nana comes back to tell Rose she baked her a cake for the party, then she leaves again. When asked, Rose tells her friends that Nana was the cleaning lady. Oh, you bitch. Then Rose looks at the cake and sees it says, “To Rosa and all her friends. With love from Nana.” Rose dumps the whole thing in the trash. Oh, now I really hate her.

Nana goes home and Rose is free to hang out with her Pi Beta friends. They have a picnic at Secca Lake as a celebration for the pledges’ tasks being finished. While they’re hanging out at the lake, a little girl wanders over and somehow falls in an old well. The PBAs gather ’round the well and freak out when the girl starts trying to climb up using a rotten piece of wood. The girl starts crying and speaking in Spanish. Rose knows she’s the only one who can help her, but she’s so worried about what the other girls will think if she starts speaking fluent Spanish. YOU BITCH! Help the kid! After a few minutes, she realizes she really does have to help, so she starts talking to the girl. She keeps her calm until the park ranger and the girl’s parents are located. When the girl is out of the well and safely with her parents, Rose finally tells everyone she’s Mexican and then she runs away.

Rose is at home crying when the Pi Betas come over. They tell her they still want her in the club, especially now that she’s a hero. Lila says it’s okay that she’s Mexican, and that the Pi Betas will keep it a secret for her. So now Rose is suddenly all about being a Mexican and she’s upset that the Pi Betas would ignore her heritage like that. She thinks she has to choose between being a Mexican and being in Pi Beta Alpha.

A few days later, Rose is shopping with Jessica, Lila and Amy for dresses to wear to the induction party. All four of them try on dresses and check each other out in the mirror, and Rose doesn’t like that she looks just like the rest of them, just one more American girl. Nana made her a dress before she went home, and Rosa decides to wear it to the party. At the party, when Lila gives her the sorority pin, Rosa turns down membership and says she’s proud to be Mexican so she can’t join. I’m not lying. Then she says she wants to remain friends with everyone. Instead of telling her to take a hike, all the girls are relieved Rosa still wants to hang out with them.

Whatever. Here’s the B story:

Jessica is going out with Sam Woodruff. She’s totally in love with him, but he’s always hanging out with this Lana chick from his own school. Jessica is failing math, but she wants to keep an eye on Sam, so she keeps going out with him instead of studying. She fails a math test, then throws away the warning slip her teacher sends home, sure she’ll pass the next test. She fails the next test, too, so the teacher calls Alice. Jessica is grounded and can’t go to the PBA induction party. She feels like this is completely unfair, and she accuses Alice and Liz of trying to ruin her life and sabotage her relationship with Sam. For real.

Quotes:

…In the back by the pool, there are a dozen fairy-tale princesses, Rose thought, and they’re going to make me a fairy-tale princess, too….

They’re just a crappy high school sorority, Rosa.

“’Bye,” Elizabeth added softly, hoping Todd wasn’t really offended by what she said. After all, she and Todd had always spoken their minds with one another.

Yeah, and how many times have you broken up so far? It might be worth it to soften your punches every now and then.

The Pi Betas had accepted the fact that Rose was Mexican, but it was obvious they would just as soon ignore it. And they seemed to assume Rose wanted to do that, too. The other girls might not be overtly disturbed by the fact that Rose was a chicana, but they certainly were not going to encourage her to explore her heritage. No, if Rose joined the Pi Betas, she would have to deny the biggest part of herself. She would have to become completely American.

What the hell are you talking about? You’re the one who wanted to deny your heritage. The Pi Betas are just going along with what you started, dumbass.

The Cover: Awesome mom jeans! And that purple blazer over that purple t-shirt looks great! And I guess Rosa’s dress is supposed to look Mexican, but I have one very much like it in my closet and I’m not even a little Mexican.

The moral of the story: If you send your kids to boarding school, they’ll grow up to be the devil.

The Big Deal: Party at Lila’s and another at the lake

Best outfit: Liz – her favorite velvet skirt and a high-necked lace Victorian blouse

Synopsis: Suzanne Devlin is the daughter of a friend of Ned’s who lives in New York. She’s coming to Sweet Valley over spring break and the Wakefields will send one twin to New York in her place. Elizabeth wins the coin toss, but Jessica talks her out of going by making her think Todd will cheat on her while she’s gone.

Suzanne arrives and dazzles everyone with her beauty and charm. She’s so gorgeous she even makes Liz self-conscious about her own “lovely size six figure.” Liz takes her to the school picnic at the lake and the boys all fall in love with her. Then Suzanne pretends to be drowning so Mr. Collins, he of the crinkly blue eyes, can save her.

A few days later, Suzanne steals Liz’s necklace. Then she offers to drop something off with Mr. Collins and flirts with him unsuccessfully while she’s there. Then Todd shows up with Lakers tickets and Suzanne offers to take over Liz’s job babysitting for Teddy that night so Liz can go to the game.

Now, if I’m Mr. Collins and this slutty high school chick I already don’t trust shows up unexpectedly to watch my kid, I’m staying home. But, “it’ll have to do.” As soon as he’s gone, Suzanne ignores the kid, goes through Mr. Collins’s stuff and takes a bath in his tub. Creepy. When he comes home she tries to seduce him, but he rejects her. Burn! She storms out in a huff and walks home, purposely ripping her shirt on the way. When she gets back to the Wakefields’ house she tells Liz that Mr. Collins attacked her. And Liz believes her. It’s the scandal of the century.

Then, just before Todd picks her up for the big party at Lila’s house, Liz finds her necklace in Suzanne’s suitcase. Now, you mustn’t think she was snooping! Elizabeth Wakefield would never, ever do something like that. She was just trying to make some room for the gift she’d bought for Suzanne. Ugh. Confused about the necklace and worried Suzanne might have lied about other things, Liz has Todd swing by Mr. Collins’ house on the way to the party. She finds out Suzanne lied and vows that she won’t get away with it.

At the party, she confronts Suzanne, who confesses to everything. Before Elizabeth can do anything about it, Suzanne starts telling everyone Liz is acting weird, like that time after the motorcycle accident. Well played, Suzy. Ruin her credibility before she even has a chance, you devious minx. Enid comes to Liz in tears and tells her what everyone is saying, so Liz marches up to Suzanne, right there in front of everyone, and tells her to stop spreading lies. Winston, who had heard Suzanne’s confession earlier, spills a well-timed drink on the evil bitch’s white dress. Suzy loses her cool and turns into a monster, screaming and crying. I picture everyone backing away from her with horrified expressions on their faces. So Mr. Collins gets his job back and everything is terrific again.

Oh, and in New York, Jessica almost gets raped by Suzanne’s boyfriend. No big deal.

Quotes:

“Ned, didn’t you say she’s gone to boarding schools most of her life?” She sighed. “I suppose there’s nothing wrong with it, but I don’t see how I ever could have sent you kids away like that. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but I think children belong at home until they’re ready for college.”

Thanks, Alice. I will sure take that into consideration, considering how well your kids turned out. I mean, you have Goofus and Gallant for daughters and a son who comes home from college every weekend to hang out with high school kids. You’ve done an amazing job.

Steven: “If you turned sideways and stuck your tongue out, you could probably pass for a zipper.”

Liz: “Don’t I wish!”

Ugh.

Jessica and the number 137

“I’ll probably never set foot out of this dumb town for the next hundred and thirty-seven years!” p. 6

“The Devlins – well, it would take me a hundred and thirty-seven years to describe them.” p. 69

The Cover: Doesn’t Suzanne just look like a snobby bitch? I kind of just want to punch her in the throat. She reminds me of someone, but I can’t put my finger on it. And I love the snarky look on Liz’s face. Oh, and can Liz please, please do something else with her hair? The whole pulled-back-with-barrettes thing is so old.

The moral of the story: Don’t go out with rich guys with Porsches.

The Big Deal: Dance contest, party at Ken’s, sorority dance that Bruce won’t let Jessica go to, Bruce’s birthday party

Best outfit: Jessica – “a bright blue, skin-hugging minidress and matching tights”

Synopsis:

The book opens with a dance contest, ‘cause that’s what kids did in the eighties. Jessica and Winston have to go together because they were crowned king and queen at the last dance, and Jessica is not happy about Winston stepping on her feet all night. Bruce cuts in and saves Jessica, and she ditches Winston and goes to Ken’s after-dance party with Bruce. Liz keeps squawking at Jessica to be careful, but Jessica’s been in love with Bruce forever and now that he’s finally noticed her, she’s going to act like a moron to make sure she keeps him. At the party, Bruce unties Jessica’s bikini top while they’re swimming in the lake and Jessica worries that he’s moving too fast, but she still goes off into the woods with him so they can make out. Liz, who has appointed herself protector of her sister’s virginity, finds them and tries to get Jessica away from Bruce, but Jessica tells her to fuck off. After the party, Bruce and Jessica stay out all night long, so of course Liz is up all night worrying.

For some reason, Jessica makes plans with Robin Wilson, a sad fat girl who thinks Jessica is her best friend. Jessica blows her off to hang out with Bruce, so Liz feels bad and invites Robin to come with her to watch the Droids play at some crappy club. The Droids have been approached by some sleazy guy who says he wants to manage the band, and he’s got them playing a bunch of shows to empty clubs. Liz, of course, is covering the whole thing for The Oracle. Liz invites Winston to go along, too, but assures him she’s not trying to set him up with Robin. Jessica, on the other hand, tells Robin that Winston is looking forward to hanging out with her. Everyone has a miserable night. In the end, it turns out this manager guy really just wanted to get into Dana’s pants. That’s right, a grown man going to all that trouble just to spend some time with a high school girl.

Jessica’s relationship with Bruce is turning her into a doormat. She lets him win at tennis, starts running errands for him, changes the way she dresses, neglects her friends, stops going to cheerleading practice. It’s pretty sickening. I thought Jessica was lipstick feminism personified. Meanwhile, Bruce is telling everyone “he’s getting everything he wants out of her. And whenever he wants it, too.” After a few weeks, Bruce starts breaking dates and acting distant.

Bruce tells Jessica he wants to celebrate his upcoming eighteenth birthday with an intimate meal with Jessica at the country club. But really, he’s having a big bash and has invited half the school. Jessica is humiliated when Bruce leaves her alone all night to hang out with everyone else, but placated when he dances the last dance of the night with her. The party moves to Guido’s Pizza Palace, and suddenly Bruce says he has to make a call. When he comes back to the table, he says his grandmother is sick and he has to go home. Liz is suspicious, so she and Todd offer to take Jessica home when Bruce leaves. They drive around for a while, and then Liz pretends she forgot something at the restaurant. When they get back to Guido’s, Bruce is there with some redheaded slut. Jessica shoves pizza in Bruce’s face and dumps soda on his head.

Quotes:

“I want to stay, Bruce. You know that. But I’ve got to get to Russo’s class. He’ll kill me if I cut it.”

“You mean to tell me my girl’s more interested in Mr. Chemistry than in me? What about our chemistry? I thought I knew you better, Jess.”

Oh yeah, he’s a charmer.

She didn’t like the way Bruce was glaring at her, as if she’d committed a cardinal sin by playing her best…Bruce didn’t appear to appreciate her skill, and it was obvious he would be angry at her if she ended up winning…He might even decide she was too aggressive off the court and dump her altogether…During the rest of the match, she handled her racket as if she’d developed a sudden case of tennis elbow…Jessica got the first clue that she’d played it the right way when Bruce jumped the net after the set was over…he kissed her hard on the lips…

He really loves me, Jessica thought wildly…

*gag*

Elizabeth thrust a forkful of salad into her mouth.

God, what an ugly sentence!

“Football bores me. And if you know what’s right for us, you’ll find a way to miss this game.”

And she does it. She misses the game. Ugh.

Jessica and the number 137

She actually doesn’t say it anywhere in this book! It must be because of her Bruce-inspired personality change.