Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The moral of the story: The next time you want a guy, just try to hook him up with your best friend. He’ll totally fall for you instead.

The Big Deal: Party at Lila’s, and another at the beach

Synopsis:

Enid and Lila are both trying to get in Jeffrey French’s pants. When Jessica finds out Liz is helping Enid she decides to help Lila. Lila has a pool party as an excuse to get Jeffrey to come over and Jessica fails to mention it to Liz or Enid. The twins’ cousin Jenny is in town for a visit. She’s fifteen (what a child!) and she idolizes Jessica, but Jessica can’t stand her because she’s, like, such a nerd. Jenny tags along with Jessica to Lila’s party and then lets it slip to Liz the next day. Jenny also seems to be enamored with Jessica’s latest crush, Eddie. She won’t leave him and Jessica alone and Jessica thinks Eddie is just the nicest boy for actually conversing with the little brat.

Jeffrey French is a photographer and he comes to The Oracle office so Liz can show him around. It’s apparent to us that he isn’t really listening to Liz’s raving about Enid and that he’s really interested in Liz, but she doesn’t seem to get it. He asks her to go for a soda at Casey’s and she can’t figure out why he seems disappointed when she says she can’t. She tells him he should go to the volleyball game that night and hang out with Enid. Later that night she finds out Jeffrey went to the Beach Disco and danced with Lila all night. Liz gets mad at him for standing Enid up. Uh, Liz, it’s not like he made a date with her. Chill out. Then she finds out he only went to the Beach Disco because he thought she was going to be there and she finally understands that he likes her.

Enid’s next idea is for Jeffrey to auction himself off in the food drive and she makes Liz ask him to do it. Liz asks him and she knows he thinks it’s so she can bid on him herself. At the auction, Enid bids seventy-five cans of food and wins the date. Liz has trouble admitting to herself that she’s jealous. Enid’s date with Jeffrey is fine, but she realizes they don’t really click.

Jenny tags along on Jessica’s date with Eddie that night. She’s brushed her hair and traded her glasses for contacts, so I guess she knows about fakeovers, but Jessica reflects that “even the dark-colored dress Jenny was wearing did little to disguise the fact that she was chubby.” The three of them go to the Dairi Burger and see Enid and Jeffrey there. Jessica finds out about Enid and Liz’s plot to get Jeffrey and Enid together. She starts thinking of ways to get back at them.

Enid tells Liz that she and Jeffrey aren’t really interested in each other, but Liz is hell-bent on getting them together. At the beach party that weekend she keeps pushing Enid and Jeffrey together and being totally annoying. They both finally get mad at her and she has to apologize to both of them.

Jeffrey tells Liz he’s in love with her, Enid gives Liz her blessing, Jenny and Eddie end up together and Lila consoles herself by remembering what a fabulous social life she has. End scene.

Setup for the next book: Jessica is sick of people confusing her with Liz.

Quotes:

Thick glasses, unkempt hair, at least ten pounds overweight, and dressed in the most unflattering fuchsia sweats, Jenny was, as far as Jessica was concerned, a mess.

One word: Fakeover. Contacts, a trip to the salon and some flattering clothes and this girl will be hotness personified. Of course, there’s still the problem of those ten whole extra pounds…

“I’m so glad Sweet Valley High has a food drive every year,” [Liz] remarked to Penny Ayala, the editor of the paper. “It’s hard to believe there are people in our own town who don’t have enough to eat!”

I call bullshit. There are no poor people in Sweet Valley, and if there are they live on the other side of town and nobody ever talks about them.

The Cover: Wow, the twins aren’t even a little hot on this cover and they look like a couple of bitches.

The moral of the story: If your best friend moves to Connecticut, she’ll come back as Jessica.

The Big Deal: Costume party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Jessica and Cara have started their own column for The Oracle. It’s called “Dear Miss Lovelorn,” and it’s a romance advice column. I sense disaster looming. Jessica is in love with Jay McGuire, but he’s in love with his girlfriend, a senior named Denise. Jessica decides to use her column to convince Jay that Denise is all wrong for him. The column gets Jay and Denise arguing and Jessica seizes her chance to go out with her dream man. They go to Miller’s Point, but Jay doesn’t want to make out because he’s thinking about Denise. So Jessica tells him Denise has been cheating on him. Then they make out. Good lord, she’s a horrible person. The whole thing backfires eventually and Jay gets back together with Denise. Jessica quits writing the column. Anyway…

Amy Sutton, Liz’s best friend from middle school, is moving back to Sweet Valley. Enid is jealous. The very first thing Liz does when Amy moves to town is stand Enid up. So much for being the thoughtful twin. She takes Enid and Amy out for brunch at the Pancake House to introduce them and is oblivious to the tension between her two friends. Liz is pleased when Amy and Jessica actually get along, but she doesn’t seem to really get it when Amy starts hanging out with Jessica and Cara and the other sorority girls all the time and then tries out for the cheerleading squad.

Still convinced Amy is the same person she was in middle school, Liz asks her to come along on a ski trip she and Enid have been planning. Amy agrees, but then asks if they can postpone until the next weekend because Lila’s having a party she doesn’t want to miss. The party is going to be the biggest event of the year (again) and it’s all for Lila’s cousin Christopher, who will be visiting for a few weeks. Lila goes on and on about how good-looking Chris is, kind of taking it to an uncomfortable level. Everyone is all excited to meet him, but Lila’s decided he’s reserved for Amy.

Liz and Enid are supposed to ride to the party together, but when Amy calls needing a ride Enid gets pissy and just goes by herself. Jessica goes to the party as a slutty Cleopatra, Amy goes as a slutty ballerina and Liz goes as a skier to sort of reach out to Enid since they were supposed to be skiing this weekend. I don’t think Liz really gets what high school costume parties are all about. Neither does Enid I guess, because she also shows up in a ski outfit and she and Liz realize they really are best friends.

Lila tries to introduce her cousin to Amy, but he interrupts her to go say hi to Enid, who he met at a summer camp or something. They’re really hitting it off, but Amy keeps getting in the way and trying to get Christopher to herself. She tells Enid to stop stealing people from her and we find out this isn’t the first time she’s threatened her. Liz offers Enid a ride home, but she’s getting a ride with Chris. A few minutes later Amy tells Liz that she finagled Chris into taking her home instead of Enid. Liz gets mad and Amy runs off crying. She leaves with Chris and Enid gets mad at Liz for some reason. I guess she thinks Liz was in on Amy’s plan to steal Chris away from her. But they make up the next day and Liz realizes she can’t recreate her friendship with Amy and everything goes back to normal.

I think it’s interesting that everyone thinks Enid is boring and nerdy, but she always ends up with the hottest guys.

Quotes:

“Christopher,” she said pompously, “is quite simply the world’s most fabulous man.” … “And,” she went on, “he’s six foot two, with really wavy, thick, blond hair, and the most amazing blue eyes. They just sort of pierce right through you.”

Yeah, that’s Lila talking about her cousin.

It had been a long time since Jessica had fallen in love like this…

A whole two books, right?

The Cover: Poor Enid. She will just never be hot. Amy looks like a whiny brat and Liz actually looks pretty good for once. Maybe because for once she doesn’t have her arm around someone in a comforting way.

The moral of the story: You should listen to your loved ones. No, wait, you should listen to your heart. Wait, I’m sorry, you should listen to your loved ones…Honestly, I don’t really know what I was supposed to learn from this one, but I feel sure it was one of those two things.

The Big Deal: Party at Lila’s, farewell party for Todd at the Beach Disco

Synopsis:

Todd’s father has been transferred so the whole family moves to Vermont. Liz is distraught. Jessica sees this as the perfect opportunity to get her involved with someone more exciting.

Jessica has to get a job to pay back the money she charged on her parents’ Lisette’s account. She finds work as a receptionist for Perfect Match Computer Dating Agency. While there, she goes through the files to try to find a match for Steven because she figures it’s high time he starts dating again. Why she cares so much is beyond me. She comes up with three prospective girlfriends for him. One of them is forty-three years old. I don’t know what she could have been thinking. He’s not interested in any of them.

After Todd leaves, Liz spends most of her time writing him letters and sitting around hoping he’ll call. One night when she’s at Enid’s, Jessica answers the phone when he calls and she tells him he needs to let Liz go. Instead of talking it over with Liz, Todd just stops all communication with her. Liz has no idea what’s going on and assumes Todd has moved on and stopped loving her. She starts spending a lot of time with Nicholas Morrow, who still has a thing for her.

Not much actually happens here, it’s mostly just pages and pages of Liz being sad about Todd. When Todd first moves away, everyone tells her she should leave herself open to dating other guys, but when she starts dating Nicholas they’re all concerned she’s replacing one guy with another. What’s a girl to think? She eventually comes to realize she’s still in love with Todd and has to stop stringing Nicholas along. She decides she’ll tell him right after Lila’s party. After all, she did promise they’d go together and we all know Liz can’t break a promise.

Todd actually shows up at the party because he’s in town for the weekend finalizing some things for his father. He sees Liz dancing with Nicholas and runs out. Liz follows him and they have a good long talk about blah, blah, blah. Bottom line is that they still love each other but they’re not going to hold each other back. Liz tells Nicholas she can’t see him anymore and he basically tells her that was her last chance because he’s not going to let himself fall in love with her again. Poor Nicholas.

Setup for the next book: Steve is driving along when he sees Cara Walker struggling with a flat tire. He pulls over to help her and they end up going for coffee. She’s been having a rough time with her parents’ divorce and Steven can relate to her better now that she’s grown up a little. (Steve, she’s still sixteen.) At Lila’s party, Betsy Martin sees them together and freaks out about how quickly Steve has gotten over Tricia. What a bitch. That was months ago.

Quotes:

Jessica, who never had to worry about her weight, was concentrating on her ice-cream sundae, her aqua eyes serious as she reflected on her twin’s behavior.

Just in case you needed a reminder of how perfect the twins are.

Although she had considered falling in love with him for a wild moment yesterday, she had by now decided he was off limits.

I love that Jessica can just decide who she’s going to fall in love with.

The Cover: Todd’s hair is HUGE! It looks like a big helmet. Liz, of course, is rocking the barrettes.

The moral of the story: If you and your friend are fighting over a guy, just let your friend have him. He’d probably try to rob you at knifepoint anyway, and who needs that hassle?

The Big Deal: Party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Lila’s having a party as an excuse to show off for her newest crush, Jack. As soon as Jessica sees him she decides she wants him for her own so she goes out of her way to be as slutty as possible and get him interested in her. When he says he’s just a construction worker Jessica backs off, but he later tells Lila he was born rich but wanted to strike out on his own. Lila is overjoyed that her crush isn’t just some manual laborer. She promises to keep his secret, but she can’t resist telling Cara. And Cara, of course, can’t resist telling everyone else. Jack meets Nicholas Morrow at the party. Nicholas thinks Jack looks familiar, which makes Jack uncomfortable.

Lila’s father is furious with her for throwing a party in his absence because all his gold cufflinks and tie clips have disappeared. Jessica is pissed that Jack actually made a date with Lila for Friday, but she gets over it when he asks her to go out with him Wednesday. Bruce’s father is feuding with Lila’s father again. Liz is crabby because she’s doing a ton of extra work for The Oracle while Penny Ayala is out with mono. Also, Liz doesn’t like Jack because she’s just got a funny feeling about him. (Liz is now a psychic and a do-gooder.) Jessica goes out with him anyway and thinks she’s in love, but then so does Lila. Jessica is pissed that he actually spent the weekend with Lila instead of just taking her out to be nice like she’d thought he would. She’s determined to make him forget all about Lila.

Jack shows up to take Jessica out again. Liz notices that his eyes are red and he seems out of it, but she’s satisfied with his explanation that he’d been swimming and the chlorine irritated his eyes. Liz is so vanilla. At the movie theater, Jessica wants to treat Jack to popcorn, but her wallet is missing from her purse. Hmm, things seem to disappear whenever Jack is around…

Meanwhile, someone has been leaving photographs at The Oracle office. Nobody knows who it is, but the pictures are great and Penny wants Liz to find out who the photographer is so she can put him or her on the newspaper staff. Liz is staying late at the office one night and finds out the “phantom photographer” is Penny’s freshman sister Tina. She begs Liz not to tell Penny because Penny’s the talented one and blah, blah, who fucking cares? This storyline’s only purpose is to get Liz to see a picture of Enid’s boyfriend George making out with Robin Wilson. This knowledge of course ruins her life for a few days because she can’t eat or sleep or enjoy dates with Todd while she’s worrying about her best friend. She decides to confront George and Robin at the airfield after they receive their pilot’s licenses (setup for the next book: George has a pilot’s license). She finds out George is planning on breaking up with Enid that night and Robin broke up with her boyfriend Allen that morning. Anyway…

Lila gets sick and has to cancel a date with Jack. She calls him on her powder blue princess phone.

Her phone kind of gets mentioned a lot in this book. Jack calls Jessica and tells her he broke up with Lila and wants to take her out. They go to Guido’s (best pizza in California – maybe even the whole country!) and Jack kind of freaks out when Nicholas Morrow comes in with David, a friend from back home. Jack and Jessica leave and Nicholas and David start talking. They realize Jack went to prep school with them. He robbed a girl at knifepoint and got expelled. Knowing Jessica might be in danger, they find Liz and the three of them go searching for where Jessica and Jack might have gone. Liz resorts to calling Lila to get Jack’s address and ends up telling her Jessica and Jack have been seeing each other and that Jack is a piece of crap anyway.

At Jack’s apartment, Jessica goes snooping under the bathroom sink and finds a box full of drugs, “all kinds of drugs.” She takes it into the living room to confront Jack and finds him looking through her bag. She yells at him and he starts strangling her. Just as he tells her he has to make sure she “won’t talk,” Liz, Nicholas and David show up and break down the door and save the day.

Quotes:

“I didn’t know Robin could write like this.”

“She used to write all the time,” Elizabeth explained, “before she lost all that weight. Remember? When she was the butt of everyone’s jokes instead of the girl all the boys want to date?”

Penny nodded her head.

“She used to write because she needed some kind of outlet, a bit of comfort,” Elizabeth continued. “Then when her life did that turnaround and she got onto the cheering squad and everything, she gave it up. I’m trying to encourage her to start again.”

Where in the hell did this come from? I guess only overweight people can write? Also, Liz, way to not let anyone forget that Robin used to be unpopular and miserable. I’m sure she appreciates that. And, just, ugh. Quit interfering. Nobody asked for your help, you meddlesome bitch. (I’ve really been chugging the Haterade today.)

It wasn’t that she couldn’t count on her boyfriend to keep any secret she told him; on the contrary, she trusted him completely. But if Enid didn’t know about George and Robin, Elizabeth didn’t feel she had the right to tell anyone else about them. Even Todd.

Oh, shut up, Liz. If that was me, you know the first thing I’d do is tell my boyfriend about it.

Jessica seated herself tensely on the edge of one of the chairs. She’d never been in an apartment quite this gloomy before.

I don’t think Jessica’s ever been in any apartment before. Only poor losers live in apartments in Sweet Valley.

Jessica and the Number 137:

Hooray! It’s been a while since she’s said it.

“If I’d known you were going to throw a hundred and thirty-seven fits, I wouldn’t have put the dress on in the first place.”

The Cover: Man, Lila is so much prettier than Jessica. And so calm and cool, as opposed to Jessica, who is clearly about to start a fight. If I was a dude, I’d totally choose Lila over Jessica’s skanky ass.

The moral of the story: Sweet Valley is the best place to live EVAR! Also, being friends with Elizabeth means never having to tell the truth, at least not until her morality rubs off on you and you decide to out yourself anyway.

The Big Deal: Party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Caroline Pearce has invented a boyfriend for herself. His name is Adam and he writes her love letters. Caroline can’t understand why nobody wants to be her friend (it’s because you gossip about everyone, you nosy bitch) but as soon as she starts talking about Adam people start being friendly to her. Caroline has a sister, Anita, who goes to Sweet Valley College (which is apparently only five miles away). Anita is kind of a bitch. In the Wakefields’ driveway, Caroline finds a photocopy of a letter in some spilled trash. It’s from Alice Wakefield to some company in San Francisco. Very mysterious. Caroline goes off to the beach and finds Jessica there. They have an argument and Caroline spitefully shows her the letter. It concerns a job offer Alice is thinking of taking, which would involve moving the family to San Francisco.

Jessica confronts her mother over dinner that night and there’s a big fight and everyone throws their napkins on the table to show how upset they are (except Liz, who folds hers neatly before going upstairs). Later, Liz goes out with Todd, Roger and Olivia. They run into Caroline at the Dairi Burger and Caroline blabs the news about the possibility of the Wakefields moving. She really sucks. Caroline goes to the library the next day to take out a book of Robert Browning’s letters. She’s been copying them and using them as her letters from “Adam.” Meanwhile, Liz is writing a play about Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning. Gee, I wonder how this will play out? Caroline tells her sister about Adam and suddenly her sister cares about her and offers to give her a makeover.

Jessica and Elizabeth decide to send dozens of brochures and pamphlets to their parents about how terrific Sweet Valley is and start telling them how awful it would be to live in San Francisco. After treating their parents to a meal of gourmet takeout from all the best restaurants in Sweet Valley, Liz reads her play to the family. In the play, Liz quotes from some of Robert Browning’s letters and Jessica realizes they’ve all been tricked by Caroline. She and Lila tell Caroline they’re planning a party and Adam will be the guest of honor.

Jessica makes sure Liz finds out Caroline’s letters are fake and Caroline confesses to Liz that she made Adam up. She begs her not to read her play for the competition because then everyone would know. And Liz actually considers it. Stupid. Caroline confesses to her sister, too. Anita gives her a long talk about how to make friends, and Caroline decides her days of spreading gossip are over.

Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield decide not to leave Sweet Valley. Liz wins the playwriting competition. Todd digs up a friend, Jerry, from out of town to pretend to be Adam for Lila’s party. Caroline feels bad about it and tells everyone the truth anyway. Jerry falls for Caroline and they vow to write to each other. Aww.

Setup for the next book: Regina and Bruce are getting friendly.

Quotes:

Anita thought the Wakefields were the nicest girls in Caroline’s class. She was always pushing Caroline to get to know the twins better.

The twins are so amazing, even college kids we’ve never heard of love them.

“Oh, Liz. I know what everyone says about Bruce. But it’s just not true! He’s incredibly nice to me, and so considerate.”

That sounds like Bruce, Elizabeth thought. Or at least it sounds like Bruce on the make. Once he gets what he wants from Regina, he’ll drop her.

But Elizabeth didn’t want to disillusion Regina. “I’m glad if you’re glad,” she said, trying to sound happier than she felt.

Did I imagine Bruce attempting to rape Elizabeth? It did really happen, right? And she’s not even going to warn this sweet girl about him? What a bitch.

Jessica and the Number 137:

None. Has she outgrown this hyperbole? Should I take this section out?

The Cover: I hate Caroline Pearce, from her weird mullety bangs to her buttoned-all-the-way-up shirt. I hate Liz’s barrettes too.

The moral of the story: If you send your kids to boarding school, they’ll grow up to be the devil.

The Big Deal: Party at Lila’s and another at the lake

Best outfit: Liz – her favorite velvet skirt and a high-necked lace Victorian blouse

Synopsis: Suzanne Devlin is the daughter of a friend of Ned’s who lives in New York. She’s coming to Sweet Valley over spring break and the Wakefields will send one twin to New York in her place. Elizabeth wins the coin toss, but Jessica talks her out of going by making her think Todd will cheat on her while she’s gone.

Suzanne arrives and dazzles everyone with her beauty and charm. She’s so gorgeous she even makes Liz self-conscious about her own “lovely size six figure.” Liz takes her to the school picnic at the lake and the boys all fall in love with her. Then Suzanne pretends to be drowning so Mr. Collins, he of the crinkly blue eyes, can save her.

A few days later, Suzanne steals Liz’s necklace. Then she offers to drop something off with Mr. Collins and flirts with him unsuccessfully while she’s there. Then Todd shows up with Lakers tickets and Suzanne offers to take over Liz’s job babysitting for Teddy that night so Liz can go to the game.

Now, if I’m Mr. Collins and this slutty high school chick I already don’t trust shows up unexpectedly to watch my kid, I’m staying home. But, “it’ll have to do.” As soon as he’s gone, Suzanne ignores the kid, goes through Mr. Collins’s stuff and takes a bath in his tub. Creepy. When he comes home she tries to seduce him, but he rejects her. Burn! She storms out in a huff and walks home, purposely ripping her shirt on the way. When she gets back to the Wakefields’ house she tells Liz that Mr. Collins attacked her. And Liz believes her. It’s the scandal of the century.

Then, just before Todd picks her up for the big party at Lila’s house, Liz finds her necklace in Suzanne’s suitcase. Now, you mustn’t think she was snooping! Elizabeth Wakefield would never, ever do something like that. She was just trying to make some room for the gift she’d bought for Suzanne. Ugh. Confused about the necklace and worried Suzanne might have lied about other things, Liz has Todd swing by Mr. Collins’ house on the way to the party. She finds out Suzanne lied and vows that she won’t get away with it.

At the party, she confronts Suzanne, who confesses to everything. Before Elizabeth can do anything about it, Suzanne starts telling everyone Liz is acting weird, like that time after the motorcycle accident. Well played, Suzy. Ruin her credibility before she even has a chance, you devious minx. Enid comes to Liz in tears and tells her what everyone is saying, so Liz marches up to Suzanne, right there in front of everyone, and tells her to stop spreading lies. Winston, who had heard Suzanne’s confession earlier, spills a well-timed drink on the evil bitch’s white dress. Suzy loses her cool and turns into a monster, screaming and crying. I picture everyone backing away from her with horrified expressions on their faces. So Mr. Collins gets his job back and everything is terrific again.

Oh, and in New York, Jessica almost gets raped by Suzanne’s boyfriend. No big deal.

Quotes:

“Ned, didn’t you say she’s gone to boarding schools most of her life?” She sighed. “I suppose there’s nothing wrong with it, but I don’t see how I ever could have sent you kids away like that. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but I think children belong at home until they’re ready for college.”

Thanks, Alice. I will sure take that into consideration, considering how well your kids turned out. I mean, you have Goofus and Gallant for daughters and a son who comes home from college every weekend to hang out with high school kids. You’ve done an amazing job.

Steven: “If you turned sideways and stuck your tongue out, you could probably pass for a zipper.”

Liz: “Don’t I wish!”

Ugh.

Jessica and the number 137

“I’ll probably never set foot out of this dumb town for the next hundred and thirty-seven years!” p. 6

“The Devlins – well, it would take me a hundred and thirty-seven years to describe them.” p. 69

The Cover: Doesn’t Suzanne just look like a snobby bitch? I kind of just want to punch her in the throat. She reminds me of someone, but I can’t put my finger on it. And I love the snarky look on Liz’s face. Oh, and can Liz please, please do something else with her hair? The whole pulled-back-with-barrettes thing is so old.

The moral of the story: It’s embarrassing to be poor so you shouldn’t tell anyone until it’s the last minute and you have no choice. Also, boys who only want to make out in your dad’s office and never want to go anywhere are probably lying to you about something. Or they’re just teenage boys…

The Big Deal: Through the whole book we hear about the upcoming Bart dance (a dance that will follow the Barton Ames Memorial Mile race) and a party at Lila’s, but the book ends before either event happens.

Synopsis:

Jessica “drops a bombshell” on the family when she says she wants a job at Ned’s office. Ever since the acting debacle in the last book, she’s been thinking about her future and she’s decided she wants to be a lawyer. Lila is appropriately disgusted when Jessica tells her she’s actually going to work. She is similarly disgusted when Roger Barrett slips and falls right in front of her. Roger is mortified because he’s got a mega crush on Lila.

Bruce claims he’ll win the Bart race because he’s the best athlete in school (isn’t tennis the only thing he actually plays?) and he and Todd bicker about it. At the tryouts the next day, the whole school is present because they’ve all been excused from first period to watch. Yeah, that would never fly at any school I went to. Liz tries unsuccessfully to browbeat Roger into trying out (seriously, she wouldn’t let up and I wanted to smack her), but when Lila eggs him on he does it. He surprises everyone (except us) when he wins. Jessica remarks that Roger is going to be very popular if he wins the big race and may turn into someone Lila may want to be seen with. Lila dusts off her feminine charms and puts them to work on Roger.

But poor Roger has a dilemma. He’s super poor and has to work to keep his family fed. He’s sure his boss won’t give him time off to participate in the race so he doesn’t even ask. He also doesn’t tell anyone he won’t be able to make it, he just keeps failing to show up at practice. He’s enjoying his celebrity status too much to ruin everything. He’s so popular now! Lila even butters his roll for him at lunch. Really. Takes the bread and butter knife right out of his hand. I’m not even lying.

Meanwhile, Jessica hates her job. She seems surprised when she’s making copies and running errands instead of helping her father on cases. She’s about to quit on her first day until she meets a dreamboat named Dennis in the elevator. He works in the ad agency across the hall. He and Jessica start staying at the office after hours, making out. Liz, not believing Jessica’s sudden work ethic, goes to the office to spy on her one night. She finds out about Dennis and then sees Jessica run into Roger, who works in the office as a janitor. So now Roger and Elizabeth are both worried Jessica will blab Roger’s secret.

Liz tells Jessica that if she tells anyone about Roger, she’ll tell their parents about Dennis. Jessica agrees. She likes the idea of Lila dating a “cleaning boy” and comes up with a plan to get them together and then humiliate Lila. Unfortunately, Roger tells Lila the truth about not being able to run the race and about being poor before Jessica can put her plan in motion. Roger realizes Lila only liked him when he was a superstar.

But it turns out Roger can run the race after all! Liz talked to Ned, who talked to Roger’s boss, who then talked to Coach Schultz.  Coach tells the good news to Roger, who then finds Olivia, the female friend with a heart of gold who’s been rooting him on this whole time in silent but burning passion, and realizes she’s the one he loves.

Roger wins the race and then shoots Lila down when she comes crawling back inviting him to a party in his honor. Well played, Rog.

Oh, and it turns out Jessica’s new man is only fifteen years old. So she has to dump him.

Quotes:

“Liv, when are you going to start shopping at the mall like everyone else around here?”

“What? And be like everyone else? That’s not my style, Roger.”

I don’t get why Roger wants Olivia to be anything other than her skirt-wearing, rally-going, hippie self. What’s up with that, Roger?

The happiness she’d felt at Roger’s victory had faded quickly when she saw Lila make her play for him, and she was writing about her feelings.

I knew this kid once who would out of nowhere just go off and write. We’d be sitting around watching a movie or just talking and suddenly he’d stand up and head for the door with no explanation except, “I have to go write.” I hated that kid. I think I’d hate Olivia, too.

The way she figured it, by the end of the week he’d be hooked on her for sure and more than willing to pick her up at her house for a regular date.

You’re doing this all backwards, Jess. You go on dates before you start making out all the time. Ugh, this logic hurts my head.

“Imagine how humiliated she’d feel chauffeuring him around everywhere.”

Pascal – 1

Feminism – 0

Jessica and the Number 137:

“I’ve got at least three hundred and thirty-seven things to do.”

The Cover: Aw, Lila’s cute! I even like her sweater. Roger, who for no reason at all has a pair of huge Angela Lansbury glasses hanging out of his shirt, looks a little like Arnie in Christine:

The moral of the story: If you try to manipulate someone into loving you, you will get epically burned. And it will be awesome.

The Big Deal: Cast party at (where else?) Lila’s

Synopsis:

At the end of the last book, Bill asked Liz out but Jessica went in her place. When Bill said he was in love with her, Jessica dropped the bombshell and insisted he was really in love with her. All of this is because Bill once turned her down when she asked him to a Sadie Hawkins dance. Her revenge is to make him fall in love with her and then, I don’t know, ignore him I guess.

Todd introduces Liz to his friend, Patsy Webber, who has been living in Paris since the end of freshman year but is now back in Sweet Valley to stay. Liz is instantly jealous, then instantly feels guilty for being jealous. Patsy, of course, looks like a model. Todd is actually upfront with Liz and tells her right away that he used to date Patsy but that it was long before he met Liz.

Liz tries to tell Bill that Jessica may not be right for him, but he doesn’t listen. We find out Bill used to be in love with another blond-haired, blue-eyed beauty, back when he lived in Santa Monica. Her name was Julianne and she died in a car accident. That’s why he turned Jessica down when she asked him out, he wasn’t ready to start dating again, especially not someone who looked just like his dead girlfriend.

While everyone is at the beach one day, Bill starts teaching DeeDee Gordon how to surf. Jessica doesn’t like that one bit so she interrupts and Bill can’t help but ignore DeeDee and fawn all over Jessica. Later, Patsy Webber shows up and she and Todd make Liz jealous when they go swimming together.

Jessica spends a lot of time cock-blocking DeeDee for no other reason than to keep Bill to herself, even though she doesn’t really like him. Liz spends a lot of time being jealous of Todd and Patsy but not saying anything to Todd about it. Todd spends a lot of time being an idiot (ain’t no way my man would be rubbing suntan oil on some other bridge’s back). Bill also spends a lot of time being an idiot, pushing aside his feelings for DeeDee because Jessica is the one he “really cares about.”

By the way, most of the plot centers around a school play. Bill and Jessica are playing the lead, DeeDee and Lila have bit parts, Patsy’s doing costumes. Because these kids are multi-talented. They can sing, they can dive, they can surf, they can act. Ugh. DeeDee’s father is some kind of Hollywood big shot and he’s come to see a rehearsal. DeeDee announces that her father is really impressed with one of the students (but of course he won’t tell her which one) and is bringing in some kind of scout or agent to see the play. Jessica assumes it’s her and suddenly doesn’t care about torturing Bill anymore. She heartlessly blows him off when he asks her to the cast party.

Later, while surfing with DeeDee and engrossed in his misery over Jessica, Bill nearly fails to notice that DeeDee is drowning. He gets her onto the beach and it’s when she’s all half dead and blue that he notices how pretty she is. Weird. Anyway, he saves her and they kiss and it’s all awesome.

It turns out it was Bill DeeDee’s father had been so impressed with. When Jessica finds out she’s determined to make him hers. He turns her down at Lila’s cast party. HA! Epic burn. Todd finally corners Liz and tells her there’s nothing going on with him and Patsy. Liz believes him and feels like “such a dope” and everything is fine. Patsy actually ends up dancing with Tom McKay, Jessica’s original date, all night. All’s well that ends well.

The blurb at the end for the next book has it titled “Love on the Run” instead of “Racing Hearts.” What’s that all about?

Quotes:

“Remember, Liz, I only went out with him in the first place to save your skin. You were out with Bruce, if I recall.”

Elizabeth groaned. “Ugh, don’t remind me!”

Right, that’s just how I’d react to someone bringing up the night I was almost raped.

DeeDee was torn between wanting to melt under the table and wanting to stab Jessica with her fork.

Do it! Do it! I would totally pay to see someone actually stand up to Jessica.

Elizabeth was struck, as she often was, by how athletic her father looked for someone who spent so much of his time at a desk poring over legal briefs. He was tall enough to be a basketball player, with the densely muscled trimness of a swimmer or track star.

Quit checking out your dad, Liz. It’s weird.

“Did you hear about DeeDee coming in third in the surfing championship this morning?”

Um, DeeDee’s been learning to surf for, like, three weeks. How did she pull off placing in a championship?

Jessica and the Number 137:

“Oh, Bill, it’ll take me a hundred and thirty-seven years to learn all this….” p. 32

The Cover:

Okay, they both look at least thirty. Bill looks like he’s doing that “point to the beach” thing guys do to flex their muscles. Jessica’s arm looks oddly disjointed, kind of like this:

The moral of the story: It’s okay to act like a total bitch as long as you have a medical condition from which you’ll recover one day and not remember any of your bitchiness. All will be forgiven.

The Big Deal: “Welcome home” party at the Wakefields’ and a “pickup party” at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Most of the first chapter (part of which is for some reason told from Liz’s perspective, even though she’s in a coma) consists of Jessica blabbering to a comatose Liz about how guilty she feels about what happened, blah, blah, blah. Then Liz wakes up and has turned into Jessica. Jess is fine with that until Liz returns to school and everyone thinks she’s Jessica.

Then out of nowhere, Ned mentions that the Percys are going to Europe and their children will be staying with the Wakefields. First of all, who the frak are the Percys? And why do they have twin girls? The twins are brunettes, so they’re described as fragile and bratty. Anyway, Liz goes out on a date and sticks Jessica with the kids.

All this time poor Todd is having trouble adjusting to his girlfriend being the town whore. It all comes to a head at a disastrous basketball game. As we all know, losing a game is the absolute worst thing that can ever happen in Sweet Valley. It’s like that scene in Pleasantville in which all the basketballs miss the net. Worst. Thing. Ever. This prompts the basketball coach to have a talk with Todd about how if Liz is acting different then something must be wrong.

Because Ned and Alice are the worst parents in the world, Jessica gets stuck taking the Percy twins to some flute audition, which causes her to miss a date. Then, because she’s frustrated, she has a fender bender in the Fiat. When Ned and Alice find out, the Percy twins lie for Jessica and keep her out of trouble so all’s good in the hood on that front.

Lila has a “pickup party,” which seems to be code for “be a slut and see who you end up with.” Liz leaves with Bruce, who is well on his way to date raping her when Todd shows up and punches him. The next weekend, Liz goes out with Bruce again while Jessica pretends to be Liz to go on a date with Bill Chase (Liz has double booked her Saturday night).

At the Patmans’ beach house, Liz and Bruce are about to get down when Liz falls and hits her head. She suddenly has no memory of anything since the hospital and doesn’t know why she’s with Bruce. Bruce, troubled young man that he is, threatens to rape her if she doesn’t give it up willingly. Liz runs out of the house and into the arms of Todd Wilkins, who just so happens to be right there. Everything is wonderful again.

Quotes:

“She’ll probably have all the work made up and a dozen stories written for The Oracle before I finish that one stupid book report on Moby Dick. I mean, Todd, who really cares about whales?”

Todd did, but he let the comment slide by.

I don’t know why, but this really cracked me up.

As soon as the Percy twins were settled in Steven’s room, Ned and Alice Wakefield left for a game of bridge.

There is so much wrong with this sentence. First, Ned and Alice drop this bombshell that these bratty twins are coming to stay for a few weeks, then as soon as they’re there, they leave? Second, we know their last name is Wakefield, you don’t have to mention it all the time. And last, bridge? A game of bridge? Really?

“Elizabeth, I hope you know that I’m a friend, not only a teacher and an adviser. And friends don’t dish out a lot of applesauce to each other.”

Oh, Mr. Collins. What does that mean? He says it twice in this book. It must be some ’80′s slang that I don’t know anything about.

“But I saw you two on the beach together. If you were with Bruce, who’s with Bill?”

Hmm, I don’t know, Todd. Let’s think about that one. *facepalm*

Jessica and the Number 137:

“I’m just wondering if Todd’s seen you in that nightgown. I bet it’d raise his temperature about a hundred and thirty-seven degrees!”

Why, she’s doing at least a hundred and thirty-seven things I usually do, Jessica raged inwardly.

“Who told you that?”

“You did, a hundred and thirty-seven times.”

The Cover: The cover and the synopsis on the back both want you to think the whole book is about waiting for Liz to wake up from her coma. She wakes up on page 12.

The moral of the story: If you mess with Elizabeth, she will make you dance with Winston Egbert.

The Big Deal: Some unnamed fall dance at which Jessica gets crowned queen, party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Enid is freaking out. She’s suddenly sure her new boyfriend, Ronnie, is going to break up with her. When Liz asks why, Enid reveals her dark past. Enid used to take drugs (gasp!) and, because this is Sweet Valley, her wild days ended when she and her drug-buddy George went joyriding and hit a kid. Enid and George have been pen pals for the last two years and now George is coming to Sweet Valley for a visit. Ronnie is a jealous asshat and Enid is sure he’ll break up with her just for having a male friend, so she makes Liz promise to keep George and Enid’s past with him a secret.

Let’s just get one thing straight: Ronnie is a jerk. And Enid apparently knows it, but she’s so in love with him that it doesn’t matter.

There’s a dance coming up. Jessica wants to be crowned queen because she’s sure Bruce Patman will be king and then he’ll have to notice her. Enid is her only competition and normally this wouldn’t worry Jessica. But Ronnie is head of the dance committee, so Jessica is afraid that he’ll somehow get people to vote for his girlfriend. Jessica finds one of George’s letters to Enid in Liz’s room, and she figures the best way to make sure she’s crowned queen is to ruin Enid’s life. She shows Ronnie the letter and then he breaks up with Enid. This plan has the added benefit of making Enid think Elizabeth betrayed her. Jessica is never happier than when Liz has no friends but her. Then Jessica goes to a party at Lila’s and gets Ronnie to agree to go to the dance with her.

Meanwhile, there’s a terrible rumor going around that Ms. Dalton, the French teacher, is having an affair with Ken Matthews. Ms. Dalton stays home from school for a few days, but Enid feels like she really needs some advice so she goes to her apartment to get it. Ms. Dalton tells Enid to hold her head high and go to the dance even if people are talking about her. So Enid goes home and starts getting ready, and then who should show up unexpectedly but George Warren. He takes Enid to the dance and everyone thinks he’s the most gorgeous guy they’ve ever seen.

Liz has figured out that Jessica is the one who told Ronnie about George, so to get even she makes sure Jessica and Winston are crowned king and queen at the dance. Jessica is humiliated when she has to dance with the geekiest kid in school. Enid apologizes to Liz for being such a bitch, and everyone is happy. Except Jessica.

Quotes:

Elizabeth hugged her best friend, forgetting the fact that they were both covered in chocolate-chip cookie batter. Enid Rollins was spending the night at the Wakefields’, and Elizabeth had initiated Project C. C. Cookie in the hope it would distract Enid from whatever it was she’d been so jumpy about all evening.

Liz is so perfect. She makes cookies…

But the best thing about him was that he didn’t give a darn whether he was popular or not.

…she has the niftiest boyfriend…

Elizabeth went back to her room and to the book she was reading, but she couldn’t seem to concentrate. She was thinking about Enid, worrying over the fact that she hadn’t called.

…her concern for her friends knows no bounds…

Elizabeth relented at the sincerity in her sister’s tone. “I’m sorry, Jess,” she said. “I know you’re just trying to help.”

…she worships her twin sister…

Among other things, Jessica had led him to believe her sister was too busy dating other boys to bother with him. She’d told Elizabeth a story about Todd attacking her, when all he’d done was reluctantly kiss her on the cheek…

Elizabeth defended her twin. “Jessica means well…”

…a little too much.

Jessica and the number 137

“Your room is already so disgustingly neat. It’ll take a hundred and thirty-seven years to clean up mine,” she wailed. p. 87

Best outfit: Dana Larson – “tight black velvet jeans, a pair of sparkly pink leg warmers, and a purple satin blouse”

The cover: Sorry about the cover, I don’t know why someone would scribble on a book with a marker.