Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

Synopsis: One of the sucky things about this new miniseries format is the amount of time wasted recapping the previous books.

Elizabeth: Liz feels like it’s a whole new world ever since she was acquitted of manslaughter. She and Enid go to the Dairi Burger and Liz is feeling so good about her life that she orders a hot fudge sundae. Suddenly, Ted Carpenter, a guy we’ve never heard of but who is apparently Sam’s best friend, marches into the Dairi Burger and harasses Liz about having such a good time when Sam is dead. What an ass. Liz, of course, berates herself for having forgotten for a few minutes to feel guilty. Liz gets over it, and people start leaving her alone as the days pass. One day, Todd sees her walking home and offers her a ride. Liz is all, “Fuck off, sister-dater.”

Jessica: Jessica knows she’s losing Todd, so she uses Sam’s death to make him feel sorry for her and stick around. After one last disastrous date, though, Todd tells her it’s over. She refuses his offer of a ride home and starts walking. She ends up at the cemetery and cries for a while. Then she decides to do something “life affirming.” She’s going to plan a dirt bike rally in Sam’s honor. Jessica hears Liz having a nightmare one night and she suddenly can’t bear it. She goes to Liz’s room and comforts her. She’s about to confess to spiking Liz’s drink at the prom, but then Alice comes in all smiley about the twins getting along. Jessica loses her nerve and goes back to ignoring her sister.

Lila: Lila’s mother helps Lila throw a party for all her friends. Lila is grateful, but wishes Grace’s boyfriend, Pierre, didn’t have to be there. Amy, looking scared of something, leaves the party early without telling anyone what’s wrong. She calls Lila the next day and says Pierre came on to her and touched her boob. Lila is outraged for her friend, of course, but she’s also pleased that now she has a reason to get Pierre out of Grace’s life so Grace can stay at Fowler Crest. Of course, she doesn’t want to tell Grace right away because she’s afraid she won’t believe her. She comes up with another plan. She takes an entire day off school to spend with Pierre. She makes sure he gets drunk, then takes him back to Fowler Crest and shoves him in a closet. Then she goes off without him to have dinner with her parents. George is happy Pierre isn’t there, and he proposes to Grace. Grace is hesitant, and just then Pierre comes into the restaurant, hammered out of his mind. The maître d’ throws him out, and Lila follows. She tells Pierre she knows what he did to Amy, and if he goes back to Paris right now, she won’t tell anyone. Inside, Grace and George decide to get married.

Margo: Margo is staying at a boardinghouse in Sweet Valley. She can’t wait to take over Elizabeth Wakefield’s life. She goes to Kelly’s Bar (I’m guessing it used to be Kelly’s Roadhouse) and meets a gorgeous dirt bike racer named James. Margo pays James to enter Jessica’s rally and win. She wants him to get Jessica’s attention and then get as much information about the Wakefields as he can. James does what she wants and then reports back to Margo every night, and all the while, Jessica is falling in love with him. Margo reads about the Fowler wedding in the paper and wants to be there. She tries to get a job with the caterers, but they don’t need anyone. Margo kills one of the servers so they have an opening. Because I guess that’s easier than gatecrashing.

The outcome: The Fowler wedding is a huge success. Maria Santelli is out of town, so Winston asks Liz to be his date. Liz has more fun than she’s had in a long time, and she and Winston get busy cutting a rug on the dance floor. Todd gets jealous and asks Liz to dance. They dance one song, and then Liz thanks him and walks away. Margo, watching from the sidelines, vows to make Todd her boyfriend just as soon as she kills Liz.

Quotes:

The other times this had happened, Todd had allowed himself to melt into the embrace by imagining that it was Elizabeth he was with, and not her identical twin.

God, this guy is disgusting.

The Cover: I suppose that’s Jessica and James over there by the dirt bike track, but they look terrible. That’s not at all how I pictured James. For the main event, Lila looks really bad and George looks like Wayne Newton or something. As for Grace, I get a little creeped out by brides if I can’t see their faces. I think some of it is because of that creepy kid in The Others, but mostly because of that shot in Flowers in the Attic after the mom’s been hanged by her damned bridal veil.

Damn, that's creepy.

The moral of the story: Be wary of anyone who worships Jessica Wakefield. He or she is clearly not right in the head.

The Big Deal: Party at the lake, party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Famous theater director David Goodman has chosen Sweet Valley High for his annual student theater production of Macbeth. Jessica is going out for the part of Lady Macbeth and is sure she’ll get it. She makes it through the first two cuts, and Steven asks her if she’s sure she wants to be in the play. Apparently, there’s some curse associated with Macbeth, people dying before the play can be performed, that kind of thing. Jessica thinks he’s teasing. Meanwhile, there’s this weird sophomore girl named Paula Perrine who has been following Jessica around and it’s getting creepy. Jessica finally confronts her and says she’s seen Paula watching her. Paula gets all crazed and falls all over herself to tell Jessica how awesome and popular she is. When Jessica says, “You’re Paula Perrine, right?” Paula just about faints because Jessica Wakefield knows her name. Wow.

Jessica starts being nice to Paula now that she knows she adores her. Paula helps Jessica with her lines and prepares her for the final audition, and in the meantime, starts sitting with Jessica, Amy, Lila and their friends at lunch. Jessica’s hard work pays off and she gets the part of Lady Macbeth. Lila is cast as one of the witches. Ha.

One night, while Paula is at the house, Jessica leaves her alone in the living room when Sam calls. Liz can’t believe how rude Jessica is being, so she takes some soda and cookies and goes to talk to Paula. Paula can’t believe how nice Liz is, but then says that of course she’s nice, she’s Jessica’s sister. Then she asks Liz what Jessica is like and what it’s like to be her friend. Paula reminds me an awful lot of Dobby the house elf. Liz asks Paula about her family and finds out Paula’s mother died last year and her older brother ran away a couple months ago to get away from their abusive, alcoholic father. Paula is in Sweet Valley living with friends of her mother’s. Later that night, Liz tells Jessica what Paula told her. Jessica decides to be even nicer to Paula. She gives her a fakeover and talks her into auditioning for one of the smaller roles in the play.

Paula starts hanging around all the time. She gives Annie a present (a headband) and gets Lila to give her some tennis lessons. She does a lot of things that make me think that the whole story about her family was a lie. Paula starts doing little things to turn Jessica’s friends against her. She purposely does things to make Jessica angry, and then Jessica yells at her in front of everyone. The whole gang knows about Paula’s troubled past and they can’t believe Jessica would be so mean to someone who’s been through so much.

Jessica starts to get wise to Paula, and she knows for sure that something is wrong when Paula doesn’t tell her that Lady Macbeth’s understudy got mono and Paula has taken her place. Then she finds out Lila, Amy and Paula organized a party at the lake and didn’t invite her. Jessica is really tense around Paula and a little scared of her, but everyone thinks she’s just being a bitch.

Finally, it’s opening night of the play. Just two hours before she’s supposed to be at the school, Jessica gets a call from Paula, who says she’s an hour away in Cold Springs. She gives some sob story about how she thought her father was in the hospital, but he really just wanted money and stole Paula’s bus fare home. As much as she dislikes Paula, Jessica doesn’t want her to be stranded in Cold Springs. She drives up there and tries to follow the directions Paula gave her, but they don’t make any sense. She finally finds a map and discovers that none of the streets Paula gave her even exist. She calls the school to tell Mr. Goodman she’s on her way, but he says they can’t wait and Paula is already there in costume.

Jessica gets to the school and slips into a seat beside Liz, Sam and Todd. When Liz got home earlier and discovered that Jessica wasn’t there, she called Paula’s house and found out that not only is Paula’s mother alive and well, but her father has been dead for ten years. When Liz called, Paula and her brother were at the mall. Liz tells Jessica all this on the way to Lila’s cast party after the performance.

At Lila’s, Jessica confronts Paula in a most melodramatic and ridiculous way, with Liz and the boyfriends being the only ones behind her at first, but most everyone else moving to stand next to her by the end of her speech. The whole thing ends with Liz starting a slow clap.

The next morning, the twins have their friends over and everyone is hanging out by the pool. Then Paula shows up and doesn’t notice that everyone is giving her the evil eye. She finally catches on, says a few bitchy words and then turns around to leave, but Prince Albert the dog trips her and she falls into the pool. She refuses Jessica’s helping hand and pulls herself up and walks away in a huff.

There’s a hilarious side story about Lila playing the witch.

Quotes:

“Stop playing big sister with me,” said Jessica. “Remember, you’re four minutes older, not four years!”

Ooh, a twist on the usual page 2 spiel.

“Oh, wow! I don’t believe Jessica Wakefield actually knows my name!” cried Paula. Then she stopped, blushing. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. It’s just that you and your friends are so beautiful and so popular, I never dreamed you would notice someone like me.”

That’s just fucking creepy.

“Sleep shall neither night nor day hang upon his penthouse lid,” [Lila] said, throwing out her arms dramatically. In the process, Jessica noticed, she carefully positioned her hands directly in front of Annie and Rosa’s faces.

This actually made me giggle. Lila is awesome.

The Cover: Remember when we all wore our button down shirts knotted like Jessica’s? And our jeans all up around our waists? ‘Cause the early nineties were so awesome. Paula looks like a bitch.

The moral of the story: Dana Larson is a bitch.

The Big Deal: Two parties at the twins’ house and one at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Prince Arthur of Santa Dora is coming for a visit and everyone is all worked up about it. All the girls are excited and keep worrying about what they’re going to wear when they see him. The girls’ boyfriends are starting to get annoyed, especially Todd, who doesn’t like that Liz and Arthur have been pen pals all this time. The only person who doesn’t care about the prince is Dana, who refuses when Jessica asks the Droids to play at a party she’s throwing for Arthur. Liz is having a lunch party to welcome Arthur to Sweet Valley, and Jessica wants her to invite Dana, figuring if she meets Arthur, she’ll realize he’s not so bad and agree to play the party. Jessica purposely does not invite Sam to the lunch because she’s sure Arthur will fall madly in love with her.

Enid reads some of Arthur’s letters to Liz and points out that maybe Todd has a reason to be jealous. Liz admits that maybe she’s right, so the first chance she gets, she tells Arthur that Todd is her boyfriend and they’re very serious about each other. Arthur seems disappointed, but he’s very gracious. Dana is all moody at the lunch party and seems to have a problem with Arthur just because everyone else is so interested in him. I think it’s because Dana is a lesbian and she’s jealous that all the girls are paying so much attention to him instead of her. (By the way, Dana and Aaron have broken up for no reason that has been explained to me.) Arthur goes to school with Liz for some reason, and during a discussion about Hamlet in English class, Dana starts babbling about how much royalty sucks. It’s clear she’s talking about Arthur, so Mr. Collins asks Arthur and Dana if they’d be okay with a formal debate. They agree to argue on Friday. Arthur wins the debate.

That night at the Dairi Burger, Arthur tells Liz and Todd that he has a crush on Dana. Liz goes home and calls Enid. Jessica listens to the conversation but only hears part of it. She misunderstands and thinks Arthur likes her. At the party the next night, she waits for Arthur to talk to her, neglecting Sam, who gets fed up and goes home. Arthur finally does come talk to her and asks her to ask Dana to dance with him. Dana agrees, and at the end of three songs, she’s falling in love with the guy. Jessica is depressed and decides to give up and help Lila, whose plan is to get in good with one of Arthur’s bodyguards, Paolo, and then get invited to Arthur’s hotel, where she can make him see that Dana is all wrong for him.

Lila invites Paolo over to her house the next day, and he mentions a task that Arthur must complete by the eve of his seventeenth birthday. He won’t say what the task is, but Arthur’s birthday is less than a month away.

I’m finding it really hard to care about this book for two reasons: 1.) This is a terribly boring follow-up to Lila’s ordeal from yesterday. 2.) We’re starting to get really close to the Jungle Prom and I’m getting antsy. Ah, well. Halfway through.

Arthur and Dana start spending a lot of time together while Lila and Jessica follow them around and spy. Jessica thinks Lila’s losing her mind, but Lila is obsessed. Arthur comes over to talk to Liz one night because he wants her advice. He says it’s tradition in his country for the prince to announce a betrothal on his seventeenth birthday. He’s fallen in love with Dana and wants her to be his wife. Liz’s advice is to just be honest with her, so the next night, Arthur gives Dana a ring and asks her to marry him. Dana says she’s gonna need a day or two to think about it.

Lila finds out about the tradition and is sure Dana doesn’t know about it. She talks to a friend of her father’s, Anita, who is a reporter for the Sweet Valley News. Anita calls Dana on Saturday morning and asks whether or not she’ll accept Arthur’s proposal. Dana tells her if she wants the scoop first, she should come to Lila’s party that night. Anita thanks her for the tip, and then remarks how lucky it is that Arthur found a girl he likes before his seventeenth birthday so he doesn’t have to marry the girl his parents have in mind for him. Dana is pissed and thinks Arthur only proposed because of the tradition. She goes to his hotel and throws his ring back at him, but of course doesn’t explain why she’s so upset. She’s home for only a few minutes when Arthur’s limousine shows up. Dana won’t talk to him, but when she looks out her window, he seems really sad. She figures it’s just his pride that’s been hurt.

At her party, Lila sees Arthur looking all sad and figures that’s her cue. She drags him out to the dance floor, but he doesn’t feel like dancing and leaves her standing there alone. Jessica, watching from the sidelines, thinks it’s hilarious and tells Liz that Lila was the one who leaked the marriage tradition to the reporter. Liz tells Arthur what happened and that she’s sure Dana is still in love with him, but Arthur isn’t hearing it. He decides to go home the next day.

The next morning, Liz goes to Dana’s house and tells her Arthur really does love her and that he’s leaving that day because he’s so brokenhearted. Dana races to his hotel and he explains himself blah, blah, blah. He decides to tell his parents this particular custom is outdated and he wants no part of it. He and Dana promise to remain close friends.

Quotes:

“If you ask me, the concept of a royal family in this day and age is completely ridiculous. We’re supposed to be above all that in the United States!”

Um, Dana? Arthur isn’t from the United States.

“Your accent is almost gone,” Jessica observed to Arthur as they walked through the house.

“The benefit of so much travel,” Arthur explained.

So, if someone from Europe travels around the world enough, he’ll end up sounding like a Californian?

The Cover: Until I actually read the tagline, I was sure that was Liz on the cover, not Dana. Prince Arthur looks like a real cheeseball.

The moral of the story: All boys are evil, even the nice ones.

The Big Deal: Costume ball at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Lila is having a costume ball in two weeks. Which is awesome. I mean, how many of your high school friends threw costume balls? Jessica, Amy and Maria are complaining that they can’t get their boyfriends to dress up the way they want them to. Then they tease Lila about her lack of a date, and then about her crush on John Pfeifer. Lila and John have been spending a lot of time together lately, though they haven’t been on a date yet. Lila likes John because he’s a serious guy, but sometimes his seriousness freaks her out a little. She’s also pretty sure his breakup with Jennifer Mitchell has left him a little damaged.

Sam and Jessica make out after a date. Surprisingly, Jessica is worried that their kissing might go too far one of these days. Without once saying the word “sex,” Jessica and Liz discuss the difficulty of keeping in control. Liz tries to tell her not to worry, that all couples go through this, but Jessica thinks it’s the biggest problem ever. She decides to make sure she and Sam are never alone together.

John finally asks Lila out. They have dinner at the Box Tree Café, and Lila thinks everything is just beautiful and awesome. She suggests they go for a drive, and they end up at Miller’s Point. They start to make out, and then John turns into the kind of sex monster you usually only see in V. C. Andrews books. He pulls her hair, unbuckles his belt and ignores her requests for him to stop. Lila takes his keys from the ignition and stabs him in the neck. She gets out of the car, throws the keys in the bushes and walks to a gas station, where she calls a cab to come take her home.

The next day, Lila is a wreck. She wants to tell someone what happened, but she’s sure she’ll be laughed at and blamed. After all, she wore a little black dress, she suggested Miller’s Point, she’s the flirt. When Jessica calls to find out how the date went, Lila changes the subject pretty fast. That isn’t like Lila, and Jessica is convinced something is wrong.

Meanwhile, all the girls are having trouble getting their boyfriends to decide on costumes for the ball. Winston wants him and Maria to be Tweedledee and Tweedledum, Sam wants to be motorcycle cops, Hugh wants to go as chickens and Todd wants to go as a horse. While all this is going on, Liz has been getting letters from Arthur Castillo, the Crown Prince of Santa Dora (he’s from a Sweet Valley Twins book). They’ve been pen pals for years, but he’s been writing a lot more lately. Todd finds out and gets jealous. Whatever, back to Lila.

Lila goes to school on Monday wearing a shapeless dress and almost no makeup. Amy and Caroline try to ask her how the date went, but she just tells them it was boring and then runs away from them. Jessica is really worried, but Lila won’t tell her what’s wrong. She gets even more worried when Lila says she’s thinking about canceling the costume ball. Jessica talks to Liz, who thinks it sounds like Lila is depressed. All of Lila’s friends are getting worried about her.

Lila decides not to cancel the party, but she does want to tell John not to come. She finds him alone in the Oracle office and tells him what she thinks of him and that he’s not welcome in her house. He kind of smiles in an insolent way and says, “If that’s the way you want it.” Lila feels a little better until John does show up at the party the next night with a cute little sophomore girl. Lila tells him to leave or she’ll have him thrown out, but John taunts her and asks her what reason she’ll give everyone. Lila tries to ignore him, but he turns to his date and loudly says they should leave. Lila tells the girl not to go with him and ends up screaming at John, “Tell her how you tried to rape me last Saturday night!” John tells everyone that something did happen, but it certainly wasn’t rape. Lila runs upstairs to her room and John leaves.

By the way, Liz and Todd go to the party as the sun and the moon, Sam and Jessica are Han Solo and Princess Leia, Enid and Hugh are the base and receiver of a telephone, and Lila is Peter Pan.

Jessica goes to Lila’s room and knocks on the door for a long time, but Lila won’t come out. The next morning, after trying to call three times, Jessica goes to Lila’s house. Lila finally tells her everything that happened and feels better about things. Jessica goes home to find Sam waiting for her. She realizes she’s lucky to have a boyfriend who respects her and who would never do anything to her like what John did to Lila.

Monday is hell for Lila. The story has spread, and while some people are nicer to her than usual, most of the school seems to believe John’s version of what happened. Tuesday is just as hellish, and Lila nearly panics when John stands in her path as she’s walking to her lunch table. She already feels like everyone is watching her and talking about her, and now she’s worried John is going to speak to her. Suddenly, Liz and Enid are on either side of her, thanking her for the party and loudly saying the only thing wrong with it was the gatecrasher. Jessica talks to Jennifer Mitchell to see if there’s anything she can do to help Lila. Jennifer says the reason she broke up with John is because he was controlling and always had to have everything his way, “but that has nothing to do with this other thing.”

That night, a sophomore named Susan Wyler shows up at Lila’s house. John and Susan went on a date after John and Jennifer broke up but before he asked Lila out. Susan had to fight him off, too. The only thing that saved her was the arrival of another couple at Miller’s Point. She and Lila plan to confront John and hopefully get him into counseling.  On Wednesday morning, Lila puts a note in John’s locker asking him to meet her at the Dairi Burger that night. Then she tells Jessica about Susan Wyler and their plan.

The Dairi Burger is more crowded that night than Susan and Lila would like, and John is sitting with a large group of other guys. Lila sits down next to John and says she wants to talk privately, but John is all cocky and says she can talk in front of his friends. Lila mentions Susan Wyler. John looks worried and says he doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but then Susan Wyler is right there and they both tell him he needs help. One of the other guys at the table says Susan is his little sister’s best friend and Susan is like a part of his family. John says they’re lying, but the other guy says Susan doesn’t lie. The boys start to move away from John like he’s Arlo Guthrie on the Group W bench, and then Jessica, Liz, Sam and Todd gather around Susan and Lila and they all leave the restaurant together.

I have a problem with this book. John Pfeifer has been around since the beginning. He’s always been a nice guy. And I understand that this is the problem Lila has: John is such a nice guy that it’s hard to believe he could do something like this. But it’s just not believable in this context. It would have been one thing if John had just gotten carried away while making out with Lila, but it’s more like he’s turned into this asshole who goes out of his way to try to rape girls. When he’s at Lila’s party telling his date they should leave, he’s doing so in a way that makes it clear he’s going to try to rape her, too. It might have been better if they had created a whole new character. Using John for this story just made it ridiculous and unbelievable.

Setup for the next book: Dana Larson and Aaron Dallas are having relationship troubles. Prince Arthur is coming to Sweet Valley for a visit.

Quotes:

“Sam, could you give me a hand with this [costume]?” she asked. “I need you to pin me up.”

Sam came up from behind and put his arms around her. “I’ll pin you up any time you want,” he said in her ear.

Oh, Sam. My heart’s all aflutter.

[Elizabeth] thought about how he had acted when he was trying to get Jennifer Mitchell to break up with Rick Andover. Even though she had agreed that he was right, she hadn’t approved of his methods. “Strong-arm tactics,” she had thought of them as at the time.

Read this and tell me where John used “strong-arm tactics.”

The Cover: This is a difficult cover to look at. I hate that Lila looks all scared, but I mostly hate John’s evil face and the fact that it looks like it was designed to make you think you can tell a rapist by his ugliness.

The moral of the story: Even sixteen-year-olds have more common sense than Steven Wakefield.

The Big Deal: Shower at Lila’s, party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Cara’s mother has gotten a promotion and will be transferring to London. Steve is sad that Cara is leaving him like Tricia did. Ugh, just once, I’d like Steve to have a story line that doesn’t involve Tricia in some way. Jessica feels really sorry for Steve, and while watching Love Story, she comes up with the worst idea ever: Steve and Cara can get married! Then Cara won’t have to move to London! She runs upstairs to tell Steve her idea. He thinks it’s great. He rushes over to Cara’s house and proposes. She’s flabbergasted at first, but then she says yes. They decide to get married in two weeks and not tell their parents until afterward. While Steve is at Cara’s, Jessica does some research and finds a chapel in Nevada where they can get married. When Steve comes home, he tells her nobody can know about the engagement, especially Liz.

For the next few days, Liz notices Jessica acting strange whenever Steve or Cara is mentioned. She wants to know what Jessica’s hiding, but Jessica claims there’s nothing to tell. Then Liz takes a call from the jewelry store. They have a question about the engraving on the wedding rings Steve ordered. Liz tells Jessica about the phone call, so Jessica comes clean. Liz promises she won’t tell their parents, but she can’t help but be worried about what a bad idea this is.

Jessica and Cara are out with Lila and Amy one night, and Jessica just can’t keep her yap shut a second longer. She blurts out that Cara and Steve are getting married, but it’s all good. Lila and Amy will keep it a secret and Lila will even throw Cara a bridal shower. When she gets to the shower, she finds Lila has invited Robin, Maria, Rose, Sandra and Jean. She doesn’t like all the fuss because it makes the whole thing seem “too real.” One of the gifts Lila gives her is a sexy negligee, and Cara kind of freaks out a little when she realizes that if she and Steve get married, it means they’ll have to have sex. This scares the hell out of her and she wishes there was some other way to stay in Sweet Valley besides marrying Steve. That night, Cara’s father calls and says he’s flying in from Chicago for the weekend and has a surprise for her. For some reason, Cara thinks the surprise is that her parents are getting back together. And, for some reason, she thinks that if that happens, her mother won’t have to take the job in London. She goes to sleep relieved that she won’t have to marry Steven after all.

Liz tells Todd about Cara and Steve, and gets upset when he “vehemently” opposes the idea and “takes it personally.” (What he actually says is, “I always thought Steven had a good head on his shoulders. I wouldn’t have thought he’d make a mistake like this.” And later, “They’ll regret tying themselves down so young.”) This is all setup for the next book.

Cara’s father shows up that weekend with a woman named Julia. He announces he and Julia are getting married. Cara gets angry at her father, but mostly at her mother for letting it happen. (Yeah, I don’t get it, either.) All Cara’s doubts about marrying Steve disappear. She’s determined to marry him and run her own life, since blah blah, something about her parents ruining their lives.

Steve gets accepted into a law program at school, something he’s worked very hard for. But it will be too labor-intensive and he won’t be able to support Cara and take on the program, too. He decides to turn it down and  tell his family he didn’t get in. A few days later, Jessica finds the acceptance letter and can’t believe Steve lied. She realizes this marriage is going to cause both parties to make some sacrifices, so she decides to figure out a way to stop it from happening. She spends the remaining days until the wedding telling Cara how awful marriage is going to be, but nothing really works.

Saturday rolls around, and Steve and Cara get in Steve’s car and head for Nevada. As soon as they’re gone, the twins decide they have to tell their parents what’s going on. Ned and Alice are pissed. They call Cara’s mom, and the five of them get in the car and go after Steve and Cara.

At the chapel, Steve says, “I do,” but when it’s Cara’s turn, she says, “No.” Just then, Ned, Alice, Cara’s mom and the twins burst in, yelling at the pastor to stop the wedding. Steve is totally confused and I guess he thinks the whole thing was a setup to humiliate him. He throws the rings on the floor and runs outside. Everyone goes back home. Steve is back in his dorm and he’s not speaking to anyone.

Lila throws a going away party for Cara since it looks like she’s going to have to go to London after all. Liz doesn’t go because she’s upset with Cara for hurting Steve so badly. Cara calls her and asks her to meet her at the Dairi Burger. She’s heartbroken that Steve won’t talk to her, so she tells Liz that the reasons she didn’t marry him are all the reasons Liz didn’t want her to marry him. Duh.

Cara and her mother are leaving the next day. Liz wakes up that morning and it suddenly occurs to her that she should tell Steve what Cara told her. But she can’t just call him. She drives all the way out to the college (it’s an hour away today) to tell Steve that Cara loves him. Then Steve has to drive all the way to the airport so he can get there with only seconds to spare. He finds Cara, tells her he loves her and gives her a kiss. Then she gets on the plane.

Goodbye, Cara. You’re one of the less annoying characters in the series. You’ll be missed.

Quotes:

Cara couldn’t help but smile as she watched her mother arrange cheese and crackers on a tray. She was making her ex-husband’s favorite dinner. It could mean only one thing!

That she’s a good hostess? Also, is cheese and crackers really considered dinner?

Jessica frowned. “But he dreamed of getting into that program. It’s all he’s talked about for the past few months! Now he’s just going to give it up?”

“It looks that way.” Elizabeth stared hard at Jessica. “Do you still think it’s incredibly romantic that Steven and Cara are getting married?”

Christ, I hate when she does that!

The Cover: I’ve always thought Cara was really pretty, and this cover is no exception. Her dress is way too 80s, though. Steve, as always, looks like a tool.

The moral of the story: Only American girls can join sororities.

The Big Deal: Party at Rosa’s house, PBA picnic at Secca Lake, induction dance/party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Rose Jameson is new at Sweet Valley High. She’s super popular already, but she has a deep dark secret: her real name is Rosa Jiminez, and she is a Mexican. Her parents changed their last name to Jameson when they came to America, but Rosa was still made fun of all the time at her old school in Texas. When the Jamesons moved to Sweet Valley, Rosa decided to be Rose. The Jamesons have light enough skin for Rose to get away with this.

Rose has been invited to be a pledge in Pi Beta Alpha’s pledge rush. She’s happy and excited, but part of the process is an interview given by Lila. When asked, she says Jameson is an English name and that her family came over on the Mayflower. She says she’s from Boston instead of Texas. She tells a lot of big lies: she’s related to Queen Elizabeth, her family traveled to England, she met Princess Di and Fergie. The Pi Betas are totally impressed.

Rose is doing well in her pledge tasks, but Jessica, Lila and Amy show up at her house one day. She starts to panic, but manages to stay cool. The girls don’t stay very long, and after they leave, Rose realizes she had nothing to worry about and she should invite them over all the time. That very evening, she calls the other pledges and invites them over for the next afternoon. Then her parents tell her that Nana Jiminez will arrive tomorrow for a two week visit.

While Nana is in town, Rose has to keep coming up with excuses about why she can’t have anybody over to her house. She goes home every day right after school to spend time with Nana. Nana disapproves of Rose’s short hair and short skirts, and doesn’t like that Rose’s mother can’t cook very well. She shows Rose an old family recipe one night, and after that, Rose is no longer ashamed of her heritage. That came about suddenly, didn’t it? Even though she is no longer ashamed, there’s no way she can go back on the lies she told the Pi Betas.

Annoyed at Rose’s recent anti-social behavior, Lila tells Rose her third pledge task is to have a party Saturday night at her house. Rose is in a panic because Nana will be there and everyone will know she lied. By a stroke of luck, Nana’s favorite singer will be giving a concert on Saturday night about an hour away from Sweet Valley. Rose buys three tickets and convinces her parents to take Nana out of the house. After all the guests arrive, Nana comes back to tell Rose she baked her a cake for the party, then she leaves again. When asked, Rose tells her friends that Nana was the cleaning lady. Oh, you bitch. Then Rose looks at the cake and sees it says, “To Rosa and all her friends. With love from Nana.” Rose dumps the whole thing in the trash. Oh, now I really hate her.

Nana goes home and Rose is free to hang out with her Pi Beta friends. They have a picnic at Secca Lake as a celebration for the pledges’ tasks being finished. While they’re hanging out at the lake, a little girl wanders over and somehow falls in an old well. The PBAs gather ’round the well and freak out when the girl starts trying to climb up using a rotten piece of wood. The girl starts crying and speaking in Spanish. Rose knows she’s the only one who can help her, but she’s so worried about what the other girls will think if she starts speaking fluent Spanish. YOU BITCH! Help the kid! After a few minutes, she realizes she really does have to help, so she starts talking to the girl. She keeps her calm until the park ranger and the girl’s parents are located. When the girl is out of the well and safely with her parents, Rose finally tells everyone she’s Mexican and then she runs away.

Rose is at home crying when the Pi Betas come over. They tell her they still want her in the club, especially now that she’s a hero. Lila says it’s okay that she’s Mexican, and that the Pi Betas will keep it a secret for her. So now Rose is suddenly all about being a Mexican and she’s upset that the Pi Betas would ignore her heritage like that. She thinks she has to choose between being a Mexican and being in Pi Beta Alpha.

A few days later, Rose is shopping with Jessica, Lila and Amy for dresses to wear to the induction party. All four of them try on dresses and check each other out in the mirror, and Rose doesn’t like that she looks just like the rest of them, just one more American girl. Nana made her a dress before she went home, and Rosa decides to wear it to the party. At the party, when Lila gives her the sorority pin, Rosa turns down membership and says she’s proud to be Mexican so she can’t join. I’m not lying. Then she says she wants to remain friends with everyone. Instead of telling her to take a hike, all the girls are relieved Rosa still wants to hang out with them.

Whatever. Here’s the B story:

Jessica is going out with Sam Woodruff. She’s totally in love with him, but he’s always hanging out with this Lana chick from his own school. Jessica is failing math, but she wants to keep an eye on Sam, so she keeps going out with him instead of studying. She fails a math test, then throws away the warning slip her teacher sends home, sure she’ll pass the next test. She fails the next test, too, so the teacher calls Alice. Jessica is grounded and can’t go to the PBA induction party. She feels like this is completely unfair, and she accuses Alice and Liz of trying to ruin her life and sabotage her relationship with Sam. For real.

Quotes:

…In the back by the pool, there are a dozen fairy-tale princesses, Rose thought, and they’re going to make me a fairy-tale princess, too….

They’re just a crappy high school sorority, Rosa.

“’Bye,” Elizabeth added softly, hoping Todd wasn’t really offended by what she said. After all, she and Todd had always spoken their minds with one another.

Yeah, and how many times have you broken up so far? It might be worth it to soften your punches every now and then.

The Pi Betas had accepted the fact that Rose was Mexican, but it was obvious they would just as soon ignore it. And they seemed to assume Rose wanted to do that, too. The other girls might not be overtly disturbed by the fact that Rose was a chicana, but they certainly were not going to encourage her to explore her heritage. No, if Rose joined the Pi Betas, she would have to deny the biggest part of herself. She would have to become completely American.

What the hell are you talking about? You’re the one who wanted to deny your heritage. The Pi Betas are just going along with what you started, dumbass.

The Cover: Awesome mom jeans! And that purple blazer over that purple t-shirt looks great! And I guess Rosa’s dress is supposed to look Mexican, but I have one very much like it in my closet and I’m not even a little Mexican.

The moral of the story: You don’t need money as long as you have love and oil paint.

The Big Deal: Party with Robert’s country club friends, a party at Lila’s is mentioned

Synopsis:

Olivia is looking at some paintings on display at the Forester Art School where she takes a painting class. One painting in particular catches her eye, and a handsome young man asks her what she thinks about it. Then he tells her he painted it and is glad he got her unbiased opinion. His name is James Yates and I think he’s a pretentious know-it-all art snob, but Olivia is fascinated and takes him out to dinner because he focuses so much on art that little things like money and carrying a wallet escape him. The next morning, Olivia wakes up thinking of James and his “I don’t care what people think” attitude, and decides she will continue to dress the way she wants, haters be damned. She puts her hair up in a ponytail and holds it in place with an Elvis record. Because she is just that awesome. Her conservative parents don’t really approve, but they don’t try to change her.

Jessica decides she and Liz need to get jobs to make money for Christmas presents (this book starts just after Thanksgiving). They apply at a department store called Simpson’s, which, incidentally, is where Olivia’s mother works as a manager. One of the upsides to the job is Robert Simpson, the owner’s son. Jessica has heard Robert is gorgeous and not much older than she is. She intends to meet him, but gets assigned to the completely boring and isolated children’s department stockroom. Liz will be in gift-wrapping.

Olivia hangs out with James again. They meet in a crappy coffee shop and then go to his crappy apartment, which is a one room deal located above a television repair shop. It has a kitchenette and a fire escape and probably came out of the ghostwriter’s imagination after she watched Fame or Rent or something. Olivia tells James she likes him, but he says he can’t get involved in a relationship because his art is too important. Olivia says she’s content to just be friends.

Olivia’s aunt June and cousin Emily are coming from Connecticut for a visit so Emily can look at schools in California. When they arrive, Olivia has been working so she’s covered in paint. June and Emily are nonplussed. They are super conservative, and Emily already has her whole life planned out. Mrs. Davidson convinces Olivia to take Emily with her when she goes to meet James. Emily and James have nothing to say to each other. Olivia and James act like Emily’s an idiot for not understanding anything about art, and James is offended when he says he’s dedicated to his work and Emily says, “Oh, you have a job, too?” On the way home, Emily expresses her concern, saying it’s not very practical for James to be living the way he does. Olivia sort of agrees and starts to worry about her own future. She eventually asks her mother to get her a job at Simpson’s. Olivia is easily influenced, remember.

Olivia meets Robert Simpson on her first day, and he lets her redo the Christmas display. He observes that she’s very artistic and she says he can come see some of her paintings over the weekend. When he shows up, he totally doesn’t get her abstract style, but really digs her cabinet of “rejects,” which is mostly crappy landscapes and still lifes. Olivia is depressed that nobody understands her art, and she puts the half-finished painting she’s been working on so passionately in the cabinet with all the other rejects. Nobody “normal” would ever like it anyway. A few days later, Robert asks Olivia to a party, but she has plans with James to go see a foreign film or something.

Emily gets lost while driving around one day and finally recognizes the coffee shop where she and Olivia met James. She sees James, so she sits down with him and tries to talk with him, but he just makes her feel stupid. She decides she really likes him, though, so a few days later, she dresses in Olivia’s clothes and goes back to the coffee shop. He doesn’t notice her clothes, but he does take her back to his apartment to show off his paintings, none of which she understands.

Olivia calls James to make sure they’re still going to see that film, but he says he’s much too busy with his painting right now and can’t make it. So Olivia calls Robert to see if she can still go to that party with him. He’s happy to take her with him, but warns her that it’s being given by one of his country club friends, and sort of asks her to dress “normal.” Olivia decides to go ahead and change her whole image. At work the next day, she asks Robert to help her pick something out for the party, and he comes up with some horrible dark green velvet thing. Olivia buys it.

The party goes pretty much as expected. Olivia feels out of place with a bunch of preppy types who have all figured out what their whole lives are going to be about. She looks around the house and mentally compares it to James’ crappy apartment. She asks herself if she really wants to live like James does, and the answer is no. The next morning, she sits down and reads the business section in the paper, then asks to look at Emily’s college brochures. She decides to ask Robert to help her pick out some more clothes, then she cuts all her hair off because wearing it long made her look like a hippie. Oh, Olivia. I can only imagine what her “springy” curls look like short. The next day, she doesn’t have anything to wear to work, so she puts on one of Emily’s suits. Robert says he told his father about Olivia’s still life and landscape paintings, and Mr. Simpson has said she can display and sell them in the store.

Jessica finally meets Robert Simpson, but it’s pretty clear he’s not interested. He blows her off so he can continue his conversation with Olivia. But Jessica is determined, and finds him again one day and invites him to a party at Lila’s house. Robert says he has plans with Olivia. Jessica has noticed that Olivia has changed recently, but she’s sure it’s only temporary. When Olivia goes back to being the kind of girl Robert wouldn’t look at twice, Jessica will be ready to swoop in. Nothing ever actually comes of this and, truthfully, the twins could have been kept out of this book entirely without anyone being the wiser.

James calls and invites Olivia over. She hasn’t really thought about James lately, what with being so busy becoming a proper lady and all, and she isn’t sure she wants to go to his apartment, but agrees anyway. He doesn’t like her new clothes and he really doesn’t like hearing that she’ll be selling her still lifes at Simpson’s. Olivia tries to give him his Christmas present, a paperweight in the shape of a J, and he gives it back to her, saying it’s the “emptiest, most meaningless present” he’s ever received. Olivia has finally had enough and walks out.

Olivia’s mother is worried about her and finally takes her up to the attic to show Olivia the paintings she did as a teenager. Mrs. Davidson had a real talent, but she gave it up for the security of a business degree. Now Olivia is more confused than ever. James calls a few days later and apologizes. He’d like to see her again and give her a Christmas present.

Emily has decided to go to school in California, and she’d like to carry on a relationship with James. She’s sure she can convince him to live in a better house in a better part of town, and maybe get him to shave every once in a while. She wants to solidify things, so she goes to his apartment and tells him she’d like to be “friends.” He tells her they’re already friends, and from this, Emily somehow understands that James is in love with Olivia.

That same afternoon, Olivia goes to Robert’s house. She gives him one of her still life paintings and he gives her an address book. After she opens it, she knows exactly how James must have felt when she gave him the paperweight. She leaves Robert’s and gets home at the same time as Emily. They look at each other’s clothes and both decide to stop trying to be something they aren’t. Olivia finishes her abstract masterpiece and brings it to James and tells him it’s his real present. He says they have to go out for hers, and he takes her to the alley behind the coffee shop, where he’s painted two portraits of Olivia on the shop’s back wall. She’s free and artistic in one portrait, and closed and restrained in the other. James asks her which one she wants to be. Of course she picks the artist, and James tells her he loves her.

Quotes:

“I have a job interview.”

“A what?” Lila gasped.

Gotta love the Lila.

She knew she was becoming much more the kind of girl he liked to be with, and she appreciated that. It meant that she was becoming more adult, more in charge of her life.

How does changing your image to please someone else make you more mature?

The Cover: Now, this is Olivia. I don’t know what they were thinking on her other cover, but I always thought she looked great on this one. I, um, kind of wanted to be her. Oh, and sorry for the quality of this cover. I really should have taken that sticker off, and it already looked like a dog tried to eat it when I received it.

The moral of the story: If you stop hanging out with Elizabeth Wakefield, your life will suck.

The Big Deal: Ice skating party, Christmas Eve party at George’s house, New Year’s Eve party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

It’s Christmas again. Todd is visiting family in Utah over the school break and Liz is feeling lonely. After the last day of school, Enid and Liz join what appears to be their entire class at the Dairi Burger. Liz goes back to the car for her jacket and ends up walking in with Jeffrey French. There’s mistletoe in the doorway and everyone starts screaming for them to kiss, so Jeffrey is all dashing and bends Liz back over his arm and kisses her. Liz is completely rattled by this, but tells herself it’s just because she misses Todd already. What? Then Jessica comes in and really outwhores herself. She stands under the mistletoe with her “twinkling” eyes and says, “Well?” Bruce Patman comes up and acts like he’s doing a favor by kissing her, then Jessica walks around giving out candy canes and flirting with all the boys. She realizes the only boy she hasn’t dated is Jeffrey, so she decides she must have him. She pulls the mistletoe down and holds it over her head while she stands next to him. He kisses her as quickly as he can. Then Jessica tries to flirt with him, but is unsuccessful.

Yeah, so far Enid’s Story seems to be pretty Enid-less.

Liz gets up to go talk to Penny, and Jeffrey sits down in her place to say hi to Enid. They start talking about how it’s too bad they don’t really talk anymore now that Jeffrey and Liz have broken up. There’s an ice skating party the next day, and they decide to go together. As friends. Yeah, right. Enid is relieved when Liz says she doesn’t feel like going to the party, because that means Enid doesn’t have to say anything about going with Jeffrey. Liz decides to go after all and gets totally pissed when she sees Enid and Jeffrey together. Enid calms her down by saying they’re just friends and hey, Liz, he’s not your boyfriend anymore. Then Enid feels a little guilty because she thinks maybe she is starting to like Jeffrey as more than a friend. She decides to deal with it later.

Jessica sees some hot guy and, even though she’s an expert skater (because there’s not a thing in the world she can’t do perfectly), she acts like a clumsy beginner as she skates past him so she has an excuse to grab onto him. She tries to flirt with him, but then Enid, who is a terrible skater, crashes into them and Jessica falls down. She sits there waiting for Brian to help her up, but he doesn’t. He asks Enid if she remembers him. Enid says she does, apologizes for her clumsiness and then skates away. Jessica is pissed. Enid’s always cock-blocking the evil witches of Sweet Valley, and I love it. Almost this same thing happens when Amy is trying to hook up with Lila’s cousin Christopher, but he wants to hang out with Enid because they knew each other already. Where does Enid meet all these guys? And when is Jessica going to realize that Enid is formidable competition? Enid’s dated more college guys than she has.

Jeffrey and Enid have such a good time skating that they decide to go see a movie later. On the way to the theater, they talk about Liz, which makes Enid think Jeffrey’s not interested in her. But she thinks he might become interested in her and that makes her happy. I guess the guilt and confusion she felt earlier have disappeared. She decides to go for it.

Meanwhile, Enid’s having trouble at home. Her father is going to be in town, so she’s asked her mother to cancel some trip they’d planned. Her mom’s giving her all kinds of grief just because she wants to spend the holiday with her father. Adele has apparently been telling Enid that her father has a drinking problem, but Enid thinks her mom is lying. Dave Rollins is supposed to get into town the day before Christmas Eve, but calls and says he’ll have to meet Enid the next day for lunch. Enid’s mom freaks out and gets mad because she had tickets to the Nutcracker. She was going to surprise Enid with them, and now her ex-husband has ruined everything.

Jeffrey calls Enid and wants her to come over so he can ask her something. She gets all excited, but when she gets there, Jeffrey says Liz brought him a present that morning and he wants Enid to tell him what it means. Enid realizes Jeffrey only likes her as a friend and goes home all dejected. She wants nothing more than to talk to her best friend, but she can’t since Liz is part of her problem. Then Brian, from the ice rink, calls and wants to hang out. Enid isn’t sure she should because Brian is from her partyin’ days. But he assures her that he’s changed and tells Enid he had a crush on her back in the day. I figure Enid was thirteen during her difficult phase, and if this guy is in college now, he had to be about sixteen or seventeen back then. Crushing on a thirteen-year-old. Anyway, Enid is flattered and decides to go out with Brian.

Brian takes her to dinner and they have a nice time. Enid doesn’t mind when he orders a beer (so how old is this guy, really?) because she understands that people can drink responsibly. After dinner, though, he takes her so a big party where everyone is getting drunk and high. Enid loses Brian for a few minutes, and he’s already drunk by the time she finds him again. So she calls a cab and goes home totally disappointed with her life.

Enid goes to meet her father for lunch the next day and finds him drunk when she gets to the restaurant. She leaves, disgusted, and goes home to blame her mother for everything. Adele tells her there’s nothing anyone can do, but Enid thinks her father would quit drinking if he loved her more.

Two days without Liz and your life turns to total crap. See what happens?

Jeffrey calls and invites Enid to a party at George Warren’s house and she accepts. At the party, Liz and Jeffrey have a private talk. She tells him she really loves Todd and asks if Jeffrey likes Enid. He says he does and he plans to talk to her that night. They go back to the party, but end up under some mistletoe. Liz is glad when she doesn’t feel anything from kissing him this time. Enid sees them kissing and goes outside to sit on the deck and feel sorry for herself.

Jessica is wandering around the party looking for a new guy to flirt with when she sees Brian. She tries to flirt with him, but he just asks her if she’s seen Enid. Jessica gives up on him, then sees Jeffrey and starts trying to flirt with him. He asks if she knows where Enid is. She says no and tries to talk to Liz, but Liz just wants to know if she’s seen Enid anywhere. Jessica is annoyed.

Brian finds Enid first and apologizes for the way he acted the night before. She’s all ready to tell him to fuck off, but then Liz comes up to her with an earnest expression on her face and says she wants to talk. Enid is mad at Liz about Jeffrey, so she pretends to be in a deep and flirtatious conversation with Brian. She tells Liz to get lost. Enid and Brian are dancing when Jeffrey interrupts. Enid just tells him where he can find Liz and keeps dancing. She leaves with Brian and he takes her up to Miller’s Point and manages to convince her to smoke some weed with him and drink some bourbon. Oh, Enid.

At the party, Jessica finally meets a guy who doesn’t know Enid and starts flirting. After a few minutes, they decide to head up to Miller’s Point. That Jessica, she moves fast. There’s another car next to them at the Point, and just as Jessica and Michael are about to start making out, the people in the other car turn their radio up really loud. Jessica gets out and knocks on the window. When nothing happens, she opens the door and sees Enid and Brian with an empty bottle between them. Jessica gets back into Michael’s car and tells him to take her back to the party.

Adele Rollins is sitting around waiting for Enid to come home. Liz calls for Enid, then tells Mrs. Rollins that Enid left the party an hour ago with Brian. Now Adele is freaking out because she knows Brian was one of Enid’s druggie friends. Then Enid’s dad shows up and Adele tells him what’s going on. Dave thinks it’s his fault that Enid is upset enough to go back to hanging with her old crowd. He goes to Kelly’s Roadhouse to see if she’s there. The sight of the old boozers hanging out at the bar kind of freaks him out and he realizes he’s well on his way to being one of them. He takes the flask of gin he has in his glove compartment and throws it out the window. And that, my friends, is the swiftest alcoholism recovery I’ve ever seen.

Dave goes to George’s house to see if Enid is there. A crowd gathers around him and Jessica sees it as the perfect time to tell everyone she just saw Enid drunk at Miller’s Point. Instead of hating Enid the way she’d hoped, everyone is mad at Jessica for just leaving her up there. Which is kind of bullshit, if you ask me, but Jessica starts to feel bad and leaves with Jeffrey, Liz, Lila and Dave to go find her.

Enid wants Brian to take her home, but he’s not done partying yet. He drives through town like a maniac, Enid screaming the whole time. They finally crash through a guardrail and the car flips. Enid wakes up to see her father tapping on the window and telling her to unlock her door. Dave carries her up the bank, then goes back to the car to get Brian out. Then the car explodes.

Enid wakes up in the hospital and is told her father and Brian are in the burn unit. Adele, Liz, Jeffrey, Jessica and Lila spend Christmas morning with Enid in her hospital room. Enid goes to see her father and he tells her he’s going to check himself into a clinic and stop drinking. Brian also decides to quit drinking and partying.

Lila has a big New Year’s Eve party. Todd is back in town, so he and Liz go together. Jeffrey wants to go with Enid, but she says she’d prefer to meet him there. In the end, they both realize they aren’t ready for a relationship, but agree to share a New Year’s kiss.

Quotes:

Just about the worst event that had ever happened to Elizabeth was Todd’s family moving to Vermont earlier that school year.

a.) If that, out of all the other things that have happened to Liz, is the worst thing ever, then she really needs to get her priorities straight. I mean, even forgetting all the crap that happens in Specials, because that stuff doesn’t really count. Just in the regular series her parents have split up, she’s been stuffed in some crazy stalker’s trunk, she nearly drowned…the list goes on and on.

b.) More evidence that the SVH timeline is severely screwed up. It’s Christmas right now. Todd moved, fell in love with Suzanne Devlin and came back to break up with Liz at Christmas. This is insane.

Just to be mischievous, Jessica had once said that Bruce kissed like a jellyfish. The truth was that Bruce was really a pretty good kisser.

Well, there’s that mystery cleared up.

Even though she had changed her life, it was not really any better. Maybe it would never be any better.

Oh, quit your whining, Enid. You’ve had two crappy days. That’s not exactly a horrible life.

The Cover: There she is, the chick who snags all the college boys. She’s not so bad, though I’m ashamed to say I did my bangs like that for years when I was younger.

The moral of the story: If you don’t like your potential stepmother, you can expose her as a phony and get a party out of it.

The Big Deal: A party to celebrate Lila

Synopsis:

It’s summer vacation and Lila’s father has been seeing a woman named Joan Borden. Lila hates her. She doesn’t like vying for Daddy’s attention, especially since he’s hardly ever home anyway. He’s been acting funny lately, too, asking her to watch her spending. She gets home from the beach one day and her father asks her about a six hundred dollar charge on the credit card. Lila lies and says she never spent that much money. George says he doesn’t have time to straighten it out now because he’s on his way out the door to go see Joan. Lila gets pissed and doesn’t feel so bad for lying about the credit card charge. The next morning, George tells Lila he’s invited Joan and her daughter, Jacqueline, over for lunch. When they get there, Lila instantly hates Joan and thinks her daughter is sickeningly sweet and obnoxious. After they leave, George tells Lila he likes Joan a lot and he wants Lila to make them feel welcome whenever they come over.

Jessica, Lila, Liz and some others go to a concert. Lila meets a really hot guy and falls in love with him, but Jessica tells her the guy is Evan Armstrong, who’s been going out with Sonia Bentley for ages. Lila is all depressed until Jessica also tells her that Sonia used to have a major crush on Bruce Patman and Evan was jealous of him. Lila decides to try to get Sonia and Bruce together, so she asks Bruce to help her out and hit on Sonia. Bruce wants to know what he gets in return, but neither he nor Lila can think of anything she can give him. They decide she’ll owe him one. This is going to end in tears. Later that day, Lila and Jessica meet George, Joan and Jacqueline for lunch and Lila reflects on what a conniving phony Joan is. Ironic, eh?

Aaron and Winston throw a party at the Beach Disco the next night, so Lila and Bruce decide that will be when they put the first part of their plan in action. Bruce shows up at the party and immediately cuts in on Sonia and Evan and asks Sonia to dance. Then he sits down with them and flirts with Sonia until Evan gets pissed and goes outside. Lila follows him and puts her wiles to work and eventually Evan gets her number and asks her to come to some drag race with him the next day. At the races, Lila does her best to pretend she cares about it, and then she and Evan go out to dinner. She knows she shouldn’t because her father wanted her to have dinner with him, Joan and Jackie, but Lila can’t think of anything but Evan. They have a lovely time and hold hands at the restaurant and stuff. When Lila gets home, she finds Jackie wearing her bathrobe and Joan and George having brandy in the living room. They’re spending the night and Lila is horrified. The next day, Lila goes out with Evan again and they end up making out at Miller’s Point. They start spending a lot of time together and Evan finally tells Sonia things are over between them because he’s found someone new.

George makes Lila introduce Jackie to her friends, so the two of them meet Amy, Jessica and Liz at the beach. Lila’s sure they’ll all hate Jackie, but they get along with her just fine and tell Lila to lighten up. Lila calls Evan that night to bitch about Jackie, but he doesn’t get what her problem is. Evan takes Lila out one night and apologizes for being distracted lately. There’s a race he wants to be in, but it would cost him five hundred dollars and his parents won’t give it to him because they think drag racing is dangerous. Lila wants to loan him the money but doesn’t know how she’s going to get her hands on five hundred dollars. Then she remembers her father’s emergency stash and decides to take the money and blame Jackie. She hides the safe key and one of her own necklaces in Jackie’s room to make it look like she’s been stealing more than just money. Later that night, though, the key is back on George’s desk and the necklace on Lila’s dresser. The next morning, Lila finds out Jackie neglected to give her a message that Jessica had called and invited her to some show or something. Lila’s pissed, but Jackie claims she wrote down the message and put it on Lila’s dresser next to her gold necklace. Ooh, well played, Jackie. George and Joan depart for Hawaii the next day and leave Jackie and Lila alone at Fowler Crest. As soon as they’re gone, Jackie reveals herself to be the conniving, manipulative Jessica Wakefield clone Lila always suspected her of being.

Bruce calls one night to remind Lila she owes him a favor and he finally knows what she can do for him. Lila tells him to meet her at the Box Tree Café, but when she goes to get her keys, she discovers Jackie has taken her car. Bitch! Nobody drives the Triumph but Lila! She takes the bus to the café and Bruce makes fun of her ‘cause he’s a douchebag. He tells Lila he has a bet riding on the drag race and he needs Evan to cancel. Lila’s now ready to kill someone. When she gets home, her father and Joan have come home from Hawaii early to announce their engagement. Oh, just shoot her now.

Lila decides she needs to hurry up and come up with a plan to get the Bordens out of her life. First, she starts acting really happy about the engagement. Then she suggests a joint party for the engagement and for Jackie’s birthday. She pretends to be all excited about planning it. This throws Jackie off guard. Lila makes sure the party will be the same day as Evan’s race, then cries at him about how she needs him with her. He agrees to bag the race. So that’s that taken care of. Lila overhears Joan and Jackie talking one day and finds out they don’t have a cent to their name and Joan is planning to file for divorce and get alimony payments as soon as she and George are married. Lila tries to tell her father all this, but he thinks she’s lying, of course.

At the party that night, Jackie spends a lot of time talking to Evan. Lila gets pissed and Evan says she’s overreacting, but since he cradles her face all seductively when he says it, Lila’s totally okay. The wedding is going to be in three weeks and Lila offers to help plan it, figuring that somewhere in there is a way to expose the Bordens as the fakes they really are. Evan starts coming over every day, but it’s not the same. He seems distracted and annoyed. Then Lila finds him making out with Jackie. Asshole! Aw, Lila, you should have known. If he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you. Poor Lila runs off to her room in tears.

Okay, wedding day. Lila still has no idea how she’s going to stop the wedding until she talks to the planner, who shows her all the tiny microphones set up around the lawn so that everyone will hear the vows. Lila sneaks a few of them into the sunroom from which she, Jackie and Joan will be walking. As the ceremony is starting, Lila tells Joan that Jackie outed herself weeks ago and she knows they aren’t who they say they are. Joan freaks out and starts bitching at Jackie about how close they are to being rich. When they walk out, it’s clear the entire audience heard everything. George tells Joan to pack her bags and get the hell out. He then announces that since the food and guests are already there, the event will now be an impromptu party for Lila for being so brave and resourceful. Bruce introduces Lila to Toby, the guy who won the race Evan backed out of for her. To get back at Evan, Lila dances with Toby all night. Ha.

Quotes:

“Lila, your father just said the most flattering thing to me at the bar. He said I don’t look old enough to have a daughter Jackie’s age. Isn’t that silly of him?”

“It certainly is,” Lila said.

I love Lila. How could you not?

The Cover: I love Lila’s hair. And I love how she’s all purple. She’s so much prettier than Jessica.

The moral of the story: If your parents are feuding with your boyfriend’s parents, the only way to bring them back together is to get engaged.

The Big Deal: Party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Maria Santelli and Michael Harris, two juniors we’ve never heard of and don’t care about, have gotten engaged despite the fact that their families are supposed to be feuding. Oh, and that they’re in high school. Jessica thinks it’s incredibly romantic while Elizabeth thinks they’re making a huge mistake. Maria is such an ambitious girl and Liz worries she won’t be able to do any of the things she wants to do if she gets married. Now, I’m not condoning two high school students getting married, but Liz seems to think their lives will be over if they do. She has to keep reminding herself it’s none of her business. Coincidentally, the twins’ social studies class will be working on a project for the next two weeks that involves the students pairing up into fake marriages. Jessica gets stuck with Winston and Liz gets Bruce Patman. And, of course, Maria and Michael are paired with each other.

Winston is running for student council PTA representative, and Maria is his campaign manager. They’ve been meeting every Tuesday and Thursday to go over things. But this particular Tuesday Michael makes Maria break her plans with Winston so she can help him pick out a gift for his sister. Michael finds Maria as she’s telling Winston they’ll have to just meet Thursday and acts all controlling as he steers her away. Then Michael insists Maria come to his tennis match on Thursday. Even though she knows she shouldn’t let Winston down again, she gives in because she loves Michael so much and doesn’t want to argue. Why can’t she and Winston just meet on Wednesday? That’s what I want to know. Doesn’t matter anyway because she decides it would be best if she just dropped Winston altogether because Michael doesn’t like the way he looks at her.

Maria calls Liz to ask if she can take over as Winston’s campaign manager. She says Michael is jealous of Winston and explains the whole thing. Liz refuses to take over because she thinks Maria should make good on her promise to see Winston through the campaign. Maria whines that Liz just doesn’t understand because she and Jeffrey haven’t known each other that long. Then she accuses Liz of being jealous before hanging up on her. The next day Maria feels bad about the way she’s been behaving lately and vows to tell Michael that she’s going to keep helping Winston no matter what. Michael relents, but makes sure Maria knows he doesn’t like it.

In their social studies class, Michael and Maria can’t agree on anything. He wants her to be a stay at home mom, he thinks hitting kids is a good form of discipline and he doesn’t believe in taking a problem kid to a psychologist. Maria starts to wonder if they’re really right for each other. Then, on the way to a party at Lila’s, they have an argument. Maria wants to tell their parents about their engagement, but Michael wants to wait. Then he accuses Maria of wanting to break up with him for Winston. So they’re all upset with each other and have no idea that the party they’re going to is a surprise engagement party. They get there and are all miserable. Maria starts to cheer up when she dances with Winston. Michael notices and announces to everyone that he’s going to run for student council PTA representative and that Maria’s going to help him. Winston is hurt and Maria is appalled. Winston runs off and Michael tells Maria that if she goes after him it’s all over between them. Maria gives Michael his ring back and goes to find Winston.

Meanwhile, across town, Caroline Pearce’s mother runs into Maria’s parents and congratulates them on Maria’s engagement. Ah, the Pearce family is just full of blabbermouths. The Santellis go get the Harrises and the four of them head up to Fowler Manor together. When they get there, Michael tells them he and Maria are not engaged anymore. The two families make up and are the best of friends again. Maria finds Winston and they make out. They go back to the party and Michael basically gives them his blessing.

Setup for the next book: Aaron Dallas seems to be developing an anger problem.

Quotes:

In the old days, Bruce would have been a pain to work with, she thought. He used to have an ego problem.

Yes, Liz, he did. He also tried to rape you. I guess I should get over that, considering nobody in Sweet Valley seems to care about it.

[Elizabeth] could feel her guard go up. She hoped Maria wasn’t going to ask her anything that might cause her to betray Winston’s confidence. She had assured him that his secret was safe with her, and she would never go back on a promise.

Can’t you just feel her wishing Maria would ask her something like that, just so that she can refuse to answer and be all self-righteous?

I’m telling  you I never knew

What love was, babe, and now there’s you.

Hold on to your love, girl.

Just some Droids lyrics. I was kidding before, but now I think Dana really is a lesbian.

The Cover: Michael and Maria look like they’re in their late thirties and like they’re both blind.