Synopsis

Jessica breaks up with a guy named Michael Lewis because he wants to go steady. Then she doesn’t have a date for the dance on Friday. She stays home and Alice gives her a tape to watch. It’s a movie called Checkered Houses by Charles Sampson. I have no idea why, but Jessica starts crying. She runs up to her room and starts reading her old journals.

83: Steven’s Bride – Cara moves to London.

84. The Stolen Diary – Kris Lynch is an ass. No new information.

85. Soap Star – The twins guest star on a soap opera, which puts a strain on Jessica’s relationship with Sam. The day after they stop filming, Jessica is stopped in the street by a guy named Charles Sampson. He says he wants to make her famous and gives her a business card. Jessica tucks the card into her diary.

86. Jessica Against Bruce – Jessica gives in and calls Charles Sampson. They meet at a coffee shop and he says he’s a movie director. He wants to cast Jessica as the lead in a movie he’s trying to get financing for. Jessica turns him down because she doesn’t want to further jeopardize her relationship with Sam. She joins Bruce’s stupid club and gets distracted for a while, and then she starts thinking about Charles’ movie again.

87. My Best Friend’s Boyfriend – Sam cancels a date with Jessica, so she calls Charles. They meet and talk a little about the movie. Jessica is definitely interested. Then she talks to Sam about it in a hypothetical way. Sam says he would want to break up if Jessica got involved in another professional acting project.

88. Love Letters for Sale – Jessica reads the script for Checkered Houses and decides she really wants to do the movie. She sneaks out of the house one night to meet Charles at a party in Malibu. The next day, Sam says he came by the house after midnight and threw pebbles at her window, but she never opened it and the Jeep was gone. Jessica lies and says she spent the night at Lila’s.

89. Elizabeth Betrayed – Sam starts to suspect Jessica is hiding something. Jessica goes to Charles and tells him she can’t do the movie. Charles kisses her in response. Jessica pushes him away and leaves.

90. Don’t Go Home with John – Jessica worries about Lila.

91. In Love with a Prince – Lila goes nuts trying to get Prince Arthur to like her. Jessica worries about her. After Arthur leaves town, Jessica wishes she could work on Charles’ movie, but she’s glad she has Sam.

92. She’s Not What She Seems – Jessica is stalked by a crazy chick.

93. Stepsisters – Annie and Cheryl move into the house next door. Jessica gets a call from Charles. He says he has potential financing for the movie, but the company wants to see a read-through. Jessica says she’ll do it. After the reading, she tells Charles she wants to be in the movie. Charles is driving Jessica home when his car breaks down on a deserted back road. He and Jessica camp out for the night. Charles tells Jessica he’s in love with her. Jessica says she can’t do the movie.

94. Are We in Love? – Charles sends Jessica a letter to tell her Sam is a lucky guy.

Epilogue: Jessica misses Sam.

The Cover: I don’t understand what any of those things have to do with what I just read.

Synopsis

Todd cancels a date on a Friday night and Liz thinks their relationship must be going down the tubes. She decides to read her diary:

#71: Starring Jessica – Liz feels all sad and jealous when Jessica gets chosen to be on television and also turns in a perfect article for The Oracle. She’s also bored with Todd.

#72: Rock Star’s Girl – Liz sees a really cute guy on the beach a few times checking her out and wants to meet him. They finally speak to each other. His name is Sam Woodruff and he saw Jessica on television and wanted to meet her, but then saw her at the Dairi Burger one day with Todd. Liz explains that Jessica was the one on television, and then she says she and Todd are just friends. She and Sam have a couple dates.

#73: Regina’s Legacy – Liz tries to forget about Sam as she uncovers a drug ring.

#74: The Perfect Girl – Liz tells herself she can’t see Sam anymore, and then goes and makes out with him anyway. Then she acts like she can’t believe she’s cheating on Todd. Seriously?

#75: Amy’s True Love – Tom McKay is gay and Liz wants to tell Sam about Todd. Sam tells Liz he loves her.

#76: Miss Teen Sweet Valley – Liz finally breaks things off with Sam, then gets all worked up about the beauty pageant. She wonders if she’s so upset about the pageant because she’s “taking the moral high road to compensate for cheating with Sam.”

#77: Cheating to Win – Todd is a whiny bitch and it makes Liz want to see Sam again. They get together at the beach and make out. Then Sam sees Liz kissing Todd one day at the Dairi Burger and he tells her to fuck off.

#78: The Dating Game – Liz is really upset when Sam ignores her at the Dairi Burger and the Beach Disco but starts checking out Jessica.

#79: The Long-Lost Brother – This book is skipped completely.

#80: The Girl They Both Loved – Sam starts dating Jessica. Liz thinks he’s just trying to get back at her for hurting him. He assures her he’s really just crazy about Jessica. Liz thinks she can never be totally happy with Todd as long as Sam and Jessica are together.

#81: Rosa’s Lie – Sam calls and Liz pretends to be Jessica on the phone.

#82: Kidnapped by the Cult! – Jessica joins a cult. Liz and Sam have to work together to save her, then they decide they’re happy to just be friends.

In the present, Liz closes her diary and cries about the car crash that killed Sam. Then Todd stops by and explains he had to postpone their date so he could drive a couple hours up the coast to pick up the locket he ordered in honor of the anniversary of the first time Liz told Todd she loved him.

The Cover: I hate these weird photo covers. Nothing here correlates to anything actually in the book.

Synopsis

Jessica and Lila are hanging out in Jessica’s room when they hear fighting coming from Liz’s bedroom. Todd is pissed because Liz went to a movie with Jeffrey. He breaks up with her. That night, Jessica gets home from a party at Amy’s house, and Todd calls to ask if Liz was at the party with Jeffrey. Jessica says they were both there but they weren’t together. Todd wants to come over and talk, so Jessica changes into a sexy nightgown and opens her window. When Todd gets there, he asks Jessica if she remembers what they had “before.” He is not referring to the time he and Jessica fooled around after Sam died, nor is he referring to the time they made out before Todd started dating Liz. This is apparently a whole different thing. Todd says he’s free now and wants a second chance. Jessica thinks reading her diary from those days will help her figure out what to do:

#42: Caught in the Middle – Jessica plans a surprise party for Lila. She also gets a just-saying-hello letter from Todd in Vermont. She teases Liz about it.

#43: Hard Choices – Jessica writes back to Todd and the Wakefields make a documentary.

#44: Pretenses – Jessica tells us about how Steve and Cara almost break up. Todd writes back to Jessica.

#45: Family Secrets – Cousin Kelly comes to town and is a total weirdo.

#46: Decisions – Blah, blah, blah, Robin and George have a fight. Jessica is in love with Alexander Kane. One day, she walks in on Liz looking at old pictures of Todd.

#47: Troublemaker – Jessica is a success in a school play. While telling us about Bruce Patman and Julie Porter, Jessica gives us a very strange version of her “first – and last – date” with Bruce. She says they drove around in a limo while he talked about himself and she got mad when he called another girl from the car phone. No mention of sexy times at the lake or Jessica turning into a love zombie. Whatever. Todd and Jessica are still writing to each other.

#48: Slam Book Fever – Jessica falls in love with A.J. Morgan and writes to Todd for advice.

#49: Playing for Keeps – Jessica almost loses A.J. because she’s an idiot. Todd and Jessica start getting more and more personal in their letters to each other.

#50: Out of Reach – Jessica is totally in love with A.J., but she’s starting to develop feelings for Todd and can’t wait to get his letters.

#51: Against the Odds – Jessica writes to Todd to tell him about being grounded for charging nine hundred dollars to her mother’s credit card.

#52: White Lies – Todd sends Jessica a mix tape.

#53: Last Chance – Todd calls Jessica and says he wants to come to Sweet Valley and see her in secret. Jessica has dreams about Todd sneaking into her room at night and doing “intensely romantic” things with her.

#54: Two-Boy Weekend – Jessica breaks up with A.J. after cheating on him with Psycho Chris. Todd buys a plane ticket.

#55: Perfect Shot – Todd and Jessica meet at Secca Lake and make out. Jessica is sure she’s really in love this time, but after a couple days, they both realize Liz would be really hurt if she knew.

#56: Lost at Sea – Jessica thinks about kissing Winston while they’re shipwrecked, but a helicopter shows up before she can do it.

Back in the present, Jessica finishes reading her diary and realizes Todd is much better suited to Liz.

Synopsis

Liz is looking forward to her anniversary with Todd (which anniversary? Tenth? Fiftieth?), but Todd ruins everything when he says his friend Michelle Thomas is coming for a visit from Vermont. This is the same Michelle Thomas Liz got jealous of in the last diary. Liz stops speaking to Todd and won’t answer his calls. She invites Enid over for some Project C.C. Cookie and actually starts to feel better. Then Todd comes over. With Michelle. Liz gets upset and says a few mean things, and Todd and Michelle leave. Then Enid tells Liz she was wrong to be so rude. Liz decides to bring Todd and Michelle some cookies as a peace offering, but finds them making out by the Wilkins’ pool. Liz runs home to read through her old diaries:

Liz recaps #58: Brokenhearted, in which Todd moves back from Vermont and they get back together. We get to relive the boredom of Liz and Todd breaking up again in #59: In Love Again, and laugh when she tries to go back to Jeffrey and he doesn’t want her. Then there’s the briefest mention of Ken’s accident as Liz recaps #60: That Fatal Night. And since the theme of this diary is “I Miss Jeffrey,” there’s a bit about how much she misses Jeffrey.

Blah, blah, Liz tells us about Patty Gilbert’s problems in #61: Boy Trouble. Then Liz gets her hair permed and Jeffrey is the only one who understands why in #62: Who’s Who? Then she starts surfing and Todd breaks up with her and Jeffrey comforts her in #63: The New Elizabeth. Then we hear about how worried she is about Steven’s sanity and her parents’ fighting in #64: The Ghost of Tricia Martin.

Liz’s parents are still fighting in #65: Trouble at Home. Liz can’t seem to talk to Todd about it, but Jeffrey is a really good listener. Which brings us to #66: Who’s to Blame, in which Liz goes to Jeffrey to talk and ends up kissing him. At some point during #67: The Parent Plot, Jeffrey climbs the trellis under Liz’s window and sneaks into her bedroom. They make out for a while, then Todd starts throwing pebbles at the window. Liz shoves Jeffrey in the closet and makes out with Todd. When Todd leaves, Jeffrey jumps out of the closet all pissed off like he didn’t know Liz had a boyfriend. Liz and Todd break up again in #68: The Love Bet. But of course they get back together. Liz crusades against racism in #69: Friend Against Friend. After Claire Middleton brings out Liz’s inner feminist and makes the football team in #70: Ms. Quarterback, everyone goes to the Dairi Burger and Liz sees Jeffrey with a date. She’s super happy he’s moved on.

Back in the present, Liz realizes Todd just made a mistake kissing Michelle, just like Liz made a mistake kissing Jeffrey. They make up and life goes on.

The Cover: Boring. Don’t care. We’ve seen all this before.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Party at Secca Lake, “Welcome Back from the Dead” party for Jessica

Synopsis:

UGH.

The prologue takes us back to “last year” when Margo died at Fowler Crest on New Year’s Eve. But apparently, nobody noticed the ambulance suddenly stop and then start again after leaving the house. I guess this is a suggestion that Margo is not actually dead and somehow managed to overpower the EMS guys and steal their ambulance.

It’s gonna be a long recap, I can already tell.

A couple weeks before Christmas, a girl named Nora Chappelle is at her father’s wake in Savannah, Georgia. Nora hates her stepmother, Blanche. She overhears Blanche’s cousins talking about Nora’s real mother being insane. After the funeral, Blanche gives Nora a check for fifty thousand dollars and tells her to get lost. Then she says Nora has a twin sister somewhere named Margo. Blanche made Nora’s father put Margo up for adoption when they got married. Nora vows to find her sister. Nora just ain’t right. You can tell because she thinks she can see smells. Also, she suddenly starts talking to mirrors as though her reflection is Margo.

There’s a party up at Secca Lake and Todd is running late. He’s driving way too fast on the winding roads and ends up crashing through the guard rail. Jessica, who is of course also running late, sees Todd’s car about to go over the cliff. She manages to pull him out just before the car falls and explodes. Up at the lake, Liz sees the big fiery ball and calls 911 on Lila’s cellular phone before racing to the scene. She sees Jessica climbing into the ambulance with Todd’s stretcher and gets upset when nobody will tell her anything. At the hospital, Jessica and Todd make googly eyes at each other. The doctor refers to Jessica as Todd’s girlfriend and neither of them corrects him.

When Liz finally gets to the hospital, she’s totally jealous that Jessica was the one who saved Todd, not her. Todd staring at Jessica with “a look he usually reserved for Elizabeth” doesn’t help matters. Jessica can tell Liz is jealous and it irritates her. That night, Liz has the same dream she had last year about a girl who she thinks is Jessica but who has black hair trying to kill her. The next morning, the newspaper runs a picture of Jessica and Todd at the hospital. The headline is, “Local Girl Saves Her Boyfriend’s Life.” Liz goes to the hospital to visit Todd. He tries to reassure her when she says she’s jealous. It works until she gets home and finds Jessica telling all her friends that Todd pledged his undying gratitude to her the night before.

Meanwhile, Nora’s gotten hold of a bunch of documents pertaining to Margo. She learns all about the Wakefield twins and how Margo tried to kill Liz to impersonate her. The article Nora has says Nora was pronounced dead, but on the way to the hospital, the ambulance went off the Palisades bridge and Margo’s body was never recovered. I guess nobody ever thought to inform the Wakefields. Nora is distraught and decides the Wakefield twins should die. Because she’s crazy.

Todd and Liz go to the Dairi Burger for a nice intimate date, but Todd wants to sit with Jessica and her friends. Amy and Lila start hounding Todd for details about Jessica’s rescue and Todd is more than happy to oblige. Liz and Ken are sick of the whole thing so they leave to go to a movie. When Liz gets home that night, Jessica is furious. She accuses Liz of ruining her date with Ken, and Liz accuses her of ruining her date with Todd. On Christmas Eve, Todd and Ken are at the Wakefields’ house for dinner, and Todd stands up and gives a toast to Jessica. Liz runs up to her room and starts crying. The twins, not wanting to have another Christmas like last year’s, make up the next morning.

Nora, who has arrived in Sweet Valley, puts on a blond wig and goes to spend Christmas with Margo’s ghost at the cemetery. A hand closes around her throat and Nora turns around to find Margo trying to kill her. Then Nora’s wig falls off and Margo is super confused. Nora introduces herself and takes Margo back to the hotel with her. Margo says she’s been spying on the twins for the past year. She teaches Nora everything she knows about them. They decide to kill both Wakefield twins and become them. But first, they have to make sure the twins hate each other again.

Nora pretends to be Liz and calls Todd and asks him to a movie, then makes out with him the whole night where Liz, who is at the theater with Enid, can see them. When Jessica gets home that night, Liz starts screaming at her and won’t listen to Jessica’s claims that she was with Ken all night. Nora’s proud of herself for impersonating Liz so well and she’s all psyched to try Jessica, but Margo says Nora has to be Liz. Yeah, Margo and Nora fight over who gets to be Jessica when they kill the twins and take over their lives.

On New Year’s Eve, the twins go to a carnival with their friends. Jessica goes into the House of Mirrors and gets totally creeped out. Then we don’t see her again until she shows up two hours later and Lila asks her where her earrings went. Hmm. Later that night, Nora sneaks into the Wakefield house and kills Jessica, Margo be damned. Liz is in the next room having a nightmare and she screams. Nora freaks out and starts climbing out the window. Liz runs to Jessica’s room and sees her, but thinks she’s Margo. The she sees Jessica’s dead body and starts screaming.

While the Wakefields are at the hospital, friends of the twins gather on the front lawn. It’s three-thirty in the morning, so I don’t know how any of them heard about what happened, but whatever. At the police station, Liz tries to tell the police that she saw Margo climbing out the window, but the detective is a bitch and just shows her Margo’s death certificate. Liz points out that Margo’s body was never found, but the detective is an idiot. Meanwhile, Nora hasn’t seen Margo all night. She gets it into her head that Margo is going to kill her, so she plans to kill her first. Then she’ll kill Liz and become her, since she fucked up on becoming Jessica.

Ned and Alice try to talk to Liz about funeral arrangements for Jessica, but Liz doesn’t think a funeral parlor is appropriate. She insists the memorial should be held at the school since it was Jessica’s favorite place in the world. Except for all those times she wanted to skip school and shit. But anyway. Two thousand people show up for the service. Liz reads a poem for Jessica and then runs off stage crying. Todd hugs her and says he’s sorry for whatever Liz thinks he did. Liz says she knows he wasn’t with Jessica that night and that Margo was tricking him. Todd acts like she’s crazy (“Margo’s dead. Remember?”) and Liz is all cryptic instead of just explaining that she was at the movies with Enid that night and saw Todd kissing someone who looked just like her.

After the memorial, Liz “feels Jessica’s presence” and is suddenly sure she’s alive. She tries to tell Steve, but he just thinks she’s losing her mind. She has a dream that night that there are two Margos trying to kill her. Now Liz is pretty sure Margo had a twin, that Jessica is still alive and that Margo is the one who got stabbed on New Year’s Eve. That’s a lot of information to glean from a nightmare. The police come over the next day to question her some more and the detective for some reason puts her gun on a table in the dining room. Liz makes an excuse and sneaks out through the dining room, picking up the gun on her way to the Jeep.

Liz goes to the school and sees the furnace room door open. She goes in and sees Jessica and Nora struggling. She holds up the gun, but can’t tell which one is really her twin, even though Jessica is the one who’s tied up. She makes what looks to me to be a random choice and aims the gun at Nora, telling Jessica to pick up Nora’s knife and cut herself free. She explains to Jessica that Margo had a twin, and tells Nora she killed her own twin sister that night, not Jessica.

The cops show up and arrest Nora and the world sits comfortably on its axis for another day. A few days later, Lila, Liz and Steve throw Jessica a “Welcome Back from the Dead” party. Seriously.

Quotes:

Margo shook her head. “This is my show,” she said. Nora detected a hint of menace in her voice. “The cast includes me in the role of Jessica, and you as Elizabeth. There are no understudies.” … [Nora] hated going against Margo’s wishes. But she wasn’t ready to give up her dream. Not by a long shot.

I can’t believe they seriously have a falling out because they can’t agree on who gets to be Jessica.

The Cover: I guess there’s not really much to snark at here. It’s kind of a boring cover.

First we recap the Jessa Fields incident in #32, The New Jessica. Then the Prince Albert fiasco in #33, Starting Over. There’s a recap of #34, Forbidden Love, even though Jessica is hardly in that one. And then there was Tofu-Glo. The only thing we learn from #35, Out of Control, is that Jessica actually gets stage fright.

In #36, Last Chance, Jessica tries to break up Cara and Steve. While recapping #37, Rumors, Jessica actually uses the phrase “piss off,” which kind of has me floored. During the recap of #38, Leaving Home, Jessica confesses that she’s in love with Jeffrey. Apparently, she pretended to be Liz at one point and asked how he felt about her going to Switzerland. She briefly considered breaking up with him as Liz so she could go out with him as herself while Liz was at Interlochen. But her loyalty won out and she and Steven carried out their horrible plan to keep Liz in the States. After that, we get into #39, Secret Admirer, and hear about Lila and Jessica getting the same guy through The Oracle’s personal ads.

Then, while recapping #40, On the Edge, we learn that Jessica pretended to be Liz and went on a date with Jeffrey. They went for a walk on the beach and then started making out. After a minute, Jeffrey realized he was making out with the wrong twin, but then he pulled Jessica to him and started kissing her again. What a couple of jerkfaces. I always liked Jeffrey, dammit. Then Regina died and that’s pretty much the end of the diary. Jessica realizes she loves her sister and doesn’t really want to run away.

These diaries are super lame.

The Cover: Why are Michael and Maria stuck in there? Who cares about them?

We get to hear Liz’s version of what happened in #23, Say Goodbye, when Todd moved away. It’s basically everything you already know but with more Nicholas-kissing. Oh, and at the end, after they make up, Todd climbs a ladder and crawls through Liz’s bedroom window. They’re too lame to do anything fun, though.

Then a recap of #24, Memories, which is really more about Steve, Cara and Betsy than it is about Liz hooking up with a Todd lookalike.

Then we get to hear about how awesome Liz is when she reunites a family in #25, Nowhere to Run and how she can stop terrorists in #26, Hostage! (There’s another Nicholas kiss in this one.) There’s also a recap of her short story writing skills being too much for a dumb jock to resist stealing in #27, Lovestruck.

By the time we get to Liz’s awesome matchmaking abilities in #28, Alone in the Crowd, Liz is referring to herself as single, and by #29, Bitter Rivals, Todd and Liz are casually talking on the phone about the dates he’s gone on in Vermont and Liz is hanging out with Ken Matthews quite a bit. Liz and Ken go to movies and restaurants together, and in #30, Jealous Lies, they go to the Friday the Thirteenth dance together. At a party for Steve, Ken and Liz end up making out, but they keep their relationship a secret because it looks bad for Todd’s girlfriend and best friend to be hooking up. Liz finally breaks things off with Ken while she’s trying to get Enid and Jeffrey together in #31, Taking Sides. That’s when she realizes she really loves Jeffrey.

Back to the present: After reading her awesome diary, Liz realizes she’s had a really full life. The next morning, Todd comes over and they make up.

What.

Ever.

The Cover: As you can see above, my copy of this book is pretty messed up. This image comes from The Closet.

[The Closet is no longer active. Please bear with me while I try to track down another copy of this pic.]

Look at this horrible mash-up of ugly. We’ve seen all these covers before, so I don’t really have anything new to say except that I think it’s funny that they threw Steve and Cara in there all small like an afterthought, and Ken looks weird. He’s clearly from the cover of Lovestruck, but he’s been shopped to look a little less creepy.

Synopsis:

It’s Christmastime again. The last day of school before the break, the twins each get Secret Santa candy canes. Jessica’s says, “Happy horrordays, Jessica.” Liz’s says, “I’m dreaming of a red Christmas. Wreck the halls with bloody bodies.” Gross. Liz shows hers to Todd, but Jessica keeps hers to herself. This is Margo’s work, of course. She’s hanging around school, spying on Liz, preparing to take over her life. Liz is supposed to meet Enid in the library at four o’clock, but Margo gets there early with plans to go out with Enid in Liz’s place. Enid, however, recognizes that Margo is not Liz, which is cool, but she thinks she’s Jessica instead, which is not very helpful. It does go to show that Alice is a terrible mother because she totally thinks Margo is Liz when Margo walks into the Wakefield house later and hugs her. Margo then goes upstairs to snoop around in Liz’s room. She finds Liz’s diary and spends the next hour reading. Then Liz comes home and Margo hides in the closet. Liz is pissed that her room has been disarranged. She thinks Jessica did it. She goes into the bathroom and Margo makes her escape. Later that night, Jessica goes to Liz to try to make up again, but Liz just yells at her for snooping through her things and tells her to get out.

Jessica’s boyfriend, James, is tired of spying for Margo. He tells Margo he doesn’t want to do it anymore. She says that’s fine, but that she’ll kill James if he ever speaks to Jessica again. This sucks, because James has fallen in love with Jessica. He hates to do it, but he calls Jessica and breaks up with her. Jessica’s having a rotten week.

The day before Christmas Eve, Margo-as-Liz makes a date with Todd, and then Margo-as-Jessica goes shopping with Lila to get something to wear on her date. Lila thinks Jessica is nicer than usual, and Todd thinks Liz is acting strange. At Miller’s Point, he becomes convinced that it’s really Jessica he’s with, so he ends the date early and takes her home. By the time he gets to the Wakefields’ house, he’s changed his mind and thinks he’s with Liz. He goes home all confused.

Christmas Eve dinner the next night is depressing and confusing for Todd when Liz says she was caroling with Enid the night before, and Jessica morosely says she stayed home all night. Christmas morning at the Wakefields’ is equally depressing, I guess just because the twins aren’t getting along. I can’t really figure out what everyone else’s problem is. A few days later, Ned and Alice leave for San Francisco for the fake meeting Margo set up to get them out of the house.

Margo has been breaking into James’ house and leaving him death threats. He’s worried enough to call Jessica to warn her about Margo and then get the hell out of Sweet Valley, but not worried enough to go to the police or anything. He asks Jessica to meet him at the marina and then he packs a bag. Jessica hangs up the phone, and then the storm raging outside makes the lights go out. She stumbles out into the hall and runs into Margo, who’s hanging around being creepy and listening in on phone calls. She’s super pissed that James betrayed her. She goes back to the boardinghouse to change before she heads to the marina to kill James. When she gets to her room, though, she can tell her lock has been picked. She looks through the keyhole and sees Josh, the brother of the kid she killed in Ohio. He’s found her and has not gone to the police. These fucking kids. Instead of going in her room, Margo pretends to loudly tell someone she’s going to the marina. She runs outside, hides and watches Josh get in his car and head in the direction of the marina.

Liz and Todd are out, but Liz wants to stop at home for a sweater. She walks in and finds Jessica in a tizzy because she can’t find her keys and she’s already late to meet James. She begs Liz and Todd to give her a ride. Liz relents in a bitchy way, and the three of them go to the marina.

James is hanging out on the old pier at the marina when Jessica runs up and hugs him. He tells her everything, and then realizes he’s talking to Margo. She pushes him off the pier just as Todd and the twins come running up, and then I guess she disappears and Josh shows up and it looks for all the world like Josh killed James. I don’t really get the logistics of that, but Todd tackles Josh, who suddenly starts spouting off craziness about a murderer who looks just like the twins.

That night, Jessica has the same dream Liz has been having about a twin with black hair trying to kill her. She wakes up screaming and goes to Liz’s room. Liz is dreaming about the Jungle Prom. She’s been having this dream every night, and she’s getting closer and closer to figuring out what happened. Jessica wakes her up, Liz screams, Steven comes in and Margo spies from the hallway as the three siblings calm each other down. Jessica tells Liz her dream, and Liz says she’s been having the same one.

The next morning, Margo pretends to be Jessica and hangs out with Lila for a while. Lila is having a New Year’s Eve ball and that’s when Margo will kill Liz. While Lila is in the shower, Margo walks around the house. She decides the pool house will be the best place to do it. Later, she hangs around outside the Wakefield house until Steve and Liz leave. She figures Jessica is still asleep, so she goes inside, planning to read Liz’s latest diary entry and then leave. Jessica is awake and Margo is thrown off guard, so she’s kind of rude. Jessica is hurt and goes off to the living room. A few minutes later, Todd shows up and leaves with “Liz.”

Poor Josh has been in jail for a few days and he decides he needs to get out there and take care of Margo, law be damned. He pulls the sick prisoner gag and punches out the guard who comes to take a look at him, and then he escapes.

On New Year’s Eve, Liz is taking a nap before getting ready for Lila’s party. She has a dream about the Jungle Prom and wakes up knowing that Jessica spiked her punch that night. She does not question the fact that this knowledge came to her in a dream, she just goes ahead and decides she hates Jessica. Meanwhile, Jessica suddenly can’t live with the guilt of having spiked Liz’s drink and she wants to confess.

At Lila’s, Liz is talking to Enid when she sees Jessica heading in her direction. Liz makes an excuse and runs off, losing Jessica in the crowd. Enid tells Todd Liz went upstairs to the bathroom, but Todd finds both bathrooms empty. He finally finds Liz in one of the guest bedrooms. He wants to go back down to the party, but when Liz says, “We can have our own party right here,” Todd knows something is wrong. It’s clearly not Liz, but “even Jessica wouldn’t go this far.” He demands to know who he’s talking to. Margo hits him with some statue or something and knocks him out. Then she knocks on the door of Lila’s bathroom, where she somehow knows Liz is hiding out, and pretends to be Jessica. Through the door, she says that she wants to talk and will meet Liz at the pool house.

After finding out their whole trip was a hoax, Ned and Alice decided to go home early, but have been having one hell of a time getting back to Sweet Valley due to canceled plane rides, delayed train rides and a crappy rental car. When they finally get into town, Alice’s mother’s intuition tells her they need to go to Fowler Crest. At about the same time, Steve and Billie are watching the news at the Wakefield house and find out Josh escaped from jail. They think they need to go to Fowler Crest. Josh himself is already there, spying.

Liz goes to the pool house and Margo comes out of the shadows. Liz knows it’s not Jessica because Margo is 1.) wearing the same dress Liz is and 2.) holding a very large butcher knife. She does an Evil Villain speech and tells Liz all about her plan. Just as she’s about to bring the knife down, Jessica runs in and puts herself in front of the blade. All three girls wrestle for the knife. Jessica gets it and gets ready to strike, but suddenly can’t tell which one is her real twin. Then Margo leaps forward and gets the knife again. Jessica once more throws herself on top of Liz to protect her.

Outside, Steven tackles Josh and tells Billie to call the police. Then Todd comes outside and says Josh isn’t the killer, it’s a girl who looks like the twins. Everyone goes into the pool house and Josh slams into Margo and knocks her into the window. Margo goes through the window, taking a shard of glass to the jugular while she’s at it. A few hours later, Margo’s body is gone, the cops are listening to Josh’s story and believing it, the twins are friends again and Alice is happy to be with her girls and probably feeling a little smug that her mother’s intuition was correct.

Quotes:

“Now, I’ve told the Beckwiths and the Egberts that we’re going out of town, and if you need anything, you can call them.”

I thought the Beckwiths moved away. It was, like, last week. Annie and Cheryl moved into their old house.

[James] had no hard evidence that she’d committed any crimes or that she intended to commit any…

You mean aside from the note she left (the one where she threatens to kill you) when she broke into your house?

The Cover: This image comes from The Closet*.

Okay, up there is a sad Christmas morning with depressed twins, and Margo looking in the window like mother-in-law deer. Down there, mostly covered up by the bar code, must be Todd getting knocked the fuck out. And then there’s Liz and Margo. Margo’s all, “I have to spit,” and Liz is all, “Hey, don’t I know you?” The expression on Liz’s face and her body language really take away from the vibe I imagine I’m supposed to be getting from the creepy lightning in the background.

*The Closet is apparently no longer active.

This is where the whole thing goes sideways, folks. Get ready.

The moral of the story: Prom is just not worth it.

The Big Deal: Party at the beach, horrible Jungle Prom

Synopsis:

At a totally awesome beach party, Bruce dares Jessica to swim out to the buoy. Liz begs Jessica not to do it, but Jessica laughs and jumps in the water (after stripping down to her bikini “striptease-style”). Liz runs around freaking out, telling Todd, Sam and Enid that Jessica’s in the water. Everyone tells Liz to chill, but she can’t. Jessica comes back to shore and Liz is all, “Jessica! You’re all right!” Jessica laughs and says of course she’s all right. Liz gets upset and decides she’s not going to worry about Jessica anymore; Liz is only going to worry about herself from now on.

Lila is having a terrible time with her date, Tony Alimenti. He’s a nice guy, but Lila isn’t ready for dating yet and only agreed to come to the party because Jessica and Amy wouldn’t leave her alone. Lila watches her friends dancing and wonders if they’re ever scared that their boyfriends will overpower them. Then Tony tries to put his arm around her and she jumps.

Meanwhile, Bruce is making out with Andrea Slade. He knows Andrea likes him a lot, but he’s just not interested because she doesn’t present a challenge. She tries to get him to commit to a picnic next weekend, but Bruce is an ass and tells her he doesn’t do commitment and if she doesn’t like it she can take a hike.

A ton of kids run onto the beach wearing Big Mesa’s school colors. They knock over the food table, spray shaving cream on everything and pick up the girls and carry them for a few feet and then drop them in the sand (Lila screams at the top of her lungs). The whole thing only lasts five minutes, but the mess is horrible. Sweet Valley wants revenge.

At the Dairi Burger afterward, the twins argue over whether or not Sweet Valley should retaliate while Bruce and some other former Club X members are in the parking lot discussing how they can get revenge on Big Mesa. Tony takes Lila home and she freaks out when he tries to kiss her goodnight. Liz and Todd go to Miller’s Point and talk. They decide everyone will calm down and nothing else will come of the raid on the beach.

While getting ready for the beach party, the twins came up with an awesome idea for a jungle themed school dance. At school on Tuesday, Liz tells her friends she’s gotten the go ahead from Principal Cooper on the Jungle Prom. They talk about whether or not there should be a king and queen, and Liz wonders if she should go for it. Later, Todd convinces her she would be a great queen. After school, Jessica goes out with her friends and declares that she intends to be prom queen.

Jungle Queen

Lila has a session that afternoon with Nathan Pritchard, her counselor. She’s really upset about Saturday night and tells Nathan what happened with Tony. Nathan does his best to convince her that maybe Tony wasn’t trying to hurt her and that Lila’s just oversensitive right now. Lila concedes that he’s probably right and says she doesn’t want to be scared of every boy in the world.

Environmental Alert, the organization Liz found to fund the prom, calls Liz and says they’ve put together a prize package for whoever is elected prom queen. The queen will win a trip to Brazil and the opportunity to be an honorary spokesperson for Environmental Alert. Liz runs out to the pool to tell Jessica and Lila the news. When she goes back inside, Jessica starts gushing to Lila about how awesome it will be when she’s prom queen. Lila pretends to fall asleep so Jessica will shut up. A few minutes later, Alice comes home. Lila watches Alice and Jessica talk to each other. She wishes she had a mother to talk to. Damn, Lila makes me so sad in this book.

Jessica misses a meeting of the prom committee, so Liz goes ahead without her. The committee decides on formal dress for the prom, which Liz knows is going to upset Jessica, who wanted everyone to dress all Tarzan and Jane. When Liz tells everyone about the prize package for the queen, everyone on the committee tells her she’s the logical choice. Jessica is pissed that Liz let the committee vote on the dress code issue without her, but doesn’t mind when she realizes that if it weren’t for Liz, Jessica wouldn’t be going to Brazil. She’s sure she doesn’t have any competition for the title of queen.

Andrea finds Bruce after school on Friday and asks him what he’s doing the next day. Bruce says something rude and is sure she’ll tell him off, but she just looks sad and tells him to call her sometime. Bruce thinks it’s kind of fun to string her along and see how much abuse she’ll take. He goes outside to the parking lot to find that his car, along with everyone else’s, is a mess. The damned Big Mesa jerks have come back with their shaving cream and they’ve drawn bulls (their mascot) all over everyone’s cars. The same afternoon, Liz gets a copy of Big Mesa’s newspaper in her Oracle inbox. There’s an article about how crappy Sweet Valley’s basketball team is.

A few days later, Liz is looking over The Oracle before it goes to the printer and notices the story she asked Caroline to write is a little weird. She wanted an article promoting the prom and asked Caroline to leave names out of it, including Liz’s. Caroline has written a piece of crap that makes it sound like the whole prom was Jessica’s idea. Liz is pissed, but decides to get over it. That night, Jessica says something about “when I go to Brazil,” and Liz gets angry again. She asks Jessica if it ever occurred to her that Liz might like to go to Brazil. Jessica says no, being prom queen isn’t really Liz’s thing. Liz gets all weird and asks how Jessica knows what her kind of thing is, as if Jessica hasn’t been living with her for sixteen years. They have a big argument. Afterward, Jessica goes to Sam’s to study and tells him how strange Liz has been acting. Sam makes her forget about it and they talk about maybe spending the night together after the prom.

There’s a big pep rally for all the sporting events that are coming up. Jessica outshines the rest of the cheerleaders and then makes a big speech about the prom. Liz knows it’s all part of her campaign to be voted queen.

Jessica and Lila are shopping at Lisette’s a few days later and talking about Liz. Lila tells Jessica to stop being so cocky about being voted queen because a lot of people think Liz is going to win. Jessica is all “Yeah, whatever.” She finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Just then, Liz and Enid come in. Liz finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Jessica and Liz come out of their fitting rooms at the same time wearing the same dress. Lila thinks it’s pretty funny.

Bruce goes to the marina to take his father’s boat out. He runs into Nicholas Morrow, who mentions Regina. Bruce doesn’t know how Nicholas can talk about her without getting upset. Bruce goes home that night, takes a picture of Regina out of his nightstand drawer and cries.

On Friday, Liz gets another delivery from Big Mesa. It’s another article from the Bull’s Eye, and this one is full of accusations that Sweet Valley cheated to win the track meet the day before. Todd convinces Liz not to retaliate and they go to lunch. In the cafeteria, Jessica is handing out buttons that say “Save the Rainforest—Come to the Jungle Prom,” and telling people she used her own money to have them made. Liz is outraged at Jessica’s campaigning. Liz, you’re allowed to campaign, too, if you want. Todd tries to tell her to calm down, and she gets even more angry.

On Monday morning, Lila is getting ready for school and wondering if she should go to the prom. She starts thinking about Nathan realizes he’s really cute, and Lila is grateful to him for helping her so much in counseling. She decides she’ll go to the prom even though she doesn’t have a date. Nathan will be chaperoning and she can just hang out with him. Lila goes into her counseling session that afternoon a new woman. She flirts with Nathan a little and tells him she’s back to her old self.

Jessica drags Amy, Robin and Lila to a prom committee meeting and pisses Liz off by acting like she wants to be involved. Before the meeting is over, she brings up the real reason she came to the meeting: she doesn’t think any Big Mesa kids should be allowed to come to the prom. The committee is split, so Liz arranges for the whole school to vote. She’s happy when the school votes against Jessica’s idea.

Later, Penny tells the twins that she was contacted by Sweet Sixteen magazine. They heard about the prom and want to do an interview with whoever came up with the idea. I’m so sure. Liz and Jessica are scheduled for an interview and photo shoot the next day. Jessica doesn’t show up and the Sweet Sixteen people are tired of waiting. Against her better judgment, Liz agrees to do the interview alone. When Jessica shows up forty-five minutes late and finds out they left without her, she’s convinced Liz set it all up somehow.

On Wednesday, Liz writes an editorial for The Oracle. It’s an attack on Big Mesa. Liz gets mad when Todd tells her she’s being mean. Friday night is the big basketball game against Big Mesa, and Liz says some mean things to Enid about Hugh not having the guts to show up and support his school. Damn, she’s crabby. Sweet Valley wins the game, and the Big Mesa kids hightail it out of there.

Finally, it’s prom night. Everyone lavishes Liz with praise and Jessica is mad that they’re all acting like Liz did all the work. When Sam points out that Liz actually did do all the work, Jessica stomps off and tells him to ask someone else to dance. He asks Liz. Todd is elected prom king, and in one hour, the queen will be announced. Jessica knows she needs to do something fast if she’s going to take Liz out of the running, which she’s even more determined to do when she sees Liz and Sam dancing together. A Big Mesa guy starts flirting with Jessica and she notices he’s drunk. She flirts back to get some of his alcohol and then pours a ton of it into Liz’s punch cup.

Drunk and happy, Liz tells Sam she doesn’t care about being queen. She yells to Andrea and Patty that she’s withdrawing her name so Jessica can win. Jessica does win, but as soon as the crown is on her head, she feels guilty.

Suddenly, twenty or thirty Big Mesa kids come in and start running through the gym, punching people on their way through to the football field. Bruce rounds up a bunch of guys to follow them. Jessica, suddenly worried about Liz, jumps off the stage to try to find her. She sees Liz and Sam wobbling out the door, but by the time she makes her way through the crowd and into the parking lot, Liz is in the driver’s seat of the Jeep. Before Jessica can get to them, Liz drives off. Jessica finds Todd and tells him they need to go after them.

Lila is stuck in the gym. No matter what exit she tries to use, there are people blocking her way. Finally, Nathan takes her arm and leads her out of the gymnasium. The hallway isn’t much better, so Nathan pulls her into an empty classroom. Once they’re alone, Lila has a flashback to John’s attack on her and she’s suddenly sure that Nathan was only pretending to be nice so he could get her alone and take advantage of her. She screams. The cops have made it to the school, and at the sound of Lila’s scream, they burst into the classroom. Lila says Nathan attacked her, and the cops haul him off.

There’s a massive brawl out on the football field and Bruce is right in the middle of it. A Big Mesa kid hits him with a bat and knocks him down. Just as the other guy is going to hit him again, a beautiful girl tells the guy to stop. She reaches out to help Bruce up, but he gets kicked in the head and blacks out.

Todd and Jessica hop in Todd’s car and go off in the direction Liz and Sam went. Jessica tells Todd that Liz and Sam are drunk, but says she doesn’t know where they got the alcohol. They see a crashed Jeep on the side of the road and pull over. There are cops on the scene already, and they say both the driver and passenger are dead.

To be continued…

Quotes:

In [Bruce’s] opinion, the only fun in dating was the sport of it. The more it was like a tennis match, where he had to wear down his opponent through expertise and sheer force of will, the better he liked it.

Jeez. What a freak.

The Cover: God, the twins are so ugly! Is it really possible that neither one of them did anything special with her hair for the biggest social event of the year?