Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: Your old BFF’s new BFF is probably a bitch.

The Big Deal: Jessica throws a dance to celebrate the end of the first week of camp. Nothing much happens there.

Synopsis:

The gang is off to be junior counselors at Camp Echo Mountain in Montana. This summer camp focuses on drama type stuff, so Jessica is psyched to go because she’s sure she’ll be discovered somehow, and Liz is sure she’ll be chosen to write the play the camp will put on. Liz is also excited because her friend Maria Slater (not Maria Santelli, as I misread it a few times) is going to be there. I believe Maria was in the Sweet Valley Twins books. She was a child actor and was good friends with Liz because she wanted to get out of acting and start writing. She can’t wait to see Liz again and introduce her to her new best friend, Nicole Banes. Liz arrives at camp first and decides she’ll just take the cabin’s only desk so she can work on the play. Then Nicole arrives and starts throwing Liz’s crap on her bed, saying she needs the desk to write the play. Liz, not accustomed to having competition, hates Nicole immediately.

Jessica is assigned to the youngest kids and she’s a little worried since she’s not very good with kids. She can’t believe it when the girls love her and listen to everything she says. They’re actually a little creepy. One of them tries to bleach her hair blond so she can look just like Jessica. Another girl, Maggie, carries a video camera with her everywhere and records everything Jessica does. Jessica still isn’t over Christian or Ken, so she’s decided to make her summer boy-free. This works out well until she meets the teenage brother of one of her campers. His name is Paul and he of course falls in love with Jessica the second he lays eyes on her.

Lila is in love with Bo, one of the male counselors. Bo is an adventure seeker and is always telling stories about the mountains he’s climbed and rivers he’s rafted. Lila tries to make herself seem braver and more adventurous than she really is and it’s clear to us that Bo is a phony, but Lila has no idea and gets upset when Bo won’t sneak over to the girls’ cabin after dark to see her. He finally comes clean and tells Lila he’s really a coward and the son of a millionaire. Lila tells Bo the truth about herself and they make out for a while. Hey, whatever happened to Robby?

Liz is having a rough time at camp. She’s been staying up really late every night to write her play, her campers hate her, Nicole is horrible and Joey, the drama counselor Liz has fallen in love with (Todd’s not around, so you know Liz is about to cheat), seems to like Nicole better than her. Liz finishes writing her play, but the disk disappears before she can show it to Joey. Then she finds out Nicole has stolen it and is passing off the work as her own. She makes a scene, but nobody believes her and she ends up looking like an ass. Neither Maria nor Joey wants anything to do with her and Nicole just gloats about it.

Jessica is pining for Paul. She remembers that Maggie caught them on tape when he came up to the camp one day to pick up his sister. She finds Maggie’s tape and watches that scene over and over again. Then she watches the rest of the tape and sees Nicole taunting Liz about the stolen play. Jessica calls everyone to the main lodge and shows them the tape. Liz is vindicated, Maria is her friend again and Joey goes ahead and falls in love with her. He’s heard about Todd so he asks Liz what the deal is. She lies and says they’re free to date other people. Then Todd shows up just as Liz and Joey are walking around holding hands and laughing. Liz immediately drops Joey’s hand and starts to panic.

Quotes:

“I’ve always felt like something’s been missing from my life since she moved away,” Elizabeth continued in a pensive tone, gazing out of the car’s windshield at the night sky.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be more like Maria,” Todd said in a flat voice.

That’s right, folks. Todd is jealous of Maria. This is such a dysfunctional couple.

Jessica watched her sister lie down and close her eyes. The world’s most faithful girlfriend, Elizabeth usually wasn’t so easily flustered by another guy.

Yeah, right.

The Cover: Ooh, look at those bitchfaces on Nicole and Liz as they stare each other down over Maria. I recognize Jessica and her fucked up looking kids, but I don’t know who those boys are and I don’t care.

The Moral of the Story: Christmas is a bad time to be a Wakefield twin.

The Big Deal: Party at Secca Lake, “Welcome Back from the Dead” party for Jessica

Synopsis:

UGH.

The prologue takes us back to “last year” when Margo died at Fowler Crest on New Year’s Eve. But apparently, nobody noticed the ambulance suddenly stop and then start again after leaving the house. I guess this is a suggestion that Margo is not actually dead and somehow managed to overpower the EMS guys and steal their ambulance.

It’s gonna be a long recap, I can already tell.

A couple weeks before Christmas, a girl named Nora Chappelle is at her father’s wake in Savannah, Georgia. Nora hates her stepmother, Blanche. She overhears Blanche’s cousins talking about Nora’s real mother being insane. After the funeral, Blanche gives Nora a check for fifty thousand dollars and tells her to get lost. Then she says Nora has a twin sister somewhere named Margo. Blanche made Nora’s father put Margo up for adoption when they got married. Nora vows to find her sister. Nora just ain’t right. You can tell because she thinks she can see smells. Also, she suddenly starts talking to mirrors as though her reflection is Margo.

There’s a party up at Secca Lake and Todd is running late. He’s driving way too fast on the winding roads and ends up crashing through the guard rail. Jessica, who is of course also running late, sees Todd’s car about to go over the cliff. She manages to pull him out just before the car falls and explodes. Up at the lake, Liz sees the big fiery ball and calls 911 on Lila’s cellular phone before racing to the scene. She sees Jessica climbing into the ambulance with Todd’s stretcher and gets upset when nobody will tell her anything. At the hospital, Jessica and Todd make googly eyes at each other. The doctor refers to Jessica as Todd’s girlfriend and neither of them corrects him.

When Liz finally gets to the hospital, she’s totally jealous that Jessica was the one who saved Todd, not her. Todd staring at Jessica with “a look he usually reserved for Elizabeth” doesn’t help matters. Jessica can tell Liz is jealous and it irritates her. That night, Liz has the same dream she had last year about a girl who she thinks is Jessica but who has black hair trying to kill her. The next morning, the newspaper runs a picture of Jessica and Todd at the hospital. The headline is, “Local Girl Saves Her Boyfriend’s Life.” Liz goes to the hospital to visit Todd. He tries to reassure her when she says she’s jealous. It works until she gets home and finds Jessica telling all her friends that Todd pledged his undying gratitude to her the night before.

Meanwhile, Nora’s gotten hold of a bunch of documents pertaining to Margo. She learns all about the Wakefield twins and how Margo tried to kill Liz to impersonate her. The article Nora has says Nora was pronounced dead, but on the way to the hospital, the ambulance went off the Palisades bridge and Margo’s body was never recovered. I guess nobody ever thought to inform the Wakefields. Nora is distraught and decides the Wakefield twins should die. Because she’s crazy.

Todd and Liz go to the Dairi Burger for a nice intimate date, but Todd wants to sit with Jessica and her friends. Amy and Lila start hounding Todd for details about Jessica’s rescue and Todd is more than happy to oblige. Liz and Ken are sick of the whole thing so they leave to go to a movie. When Liz gets home that night, Jessica is furious. She accuses Liz of ruining her date with Ken, and Liz accuses her of ruining her date with Todd. On Christmas Eve, Todd and Ken are at the Wakefields’ house for dinner, and Todd stands up and gives a toast to Jessica. Liz runs up to her room and starts crying. The twins, not wanting to have another Christmas like last year’s, make up the next morning.

Nora, who has arrived in Sweet Valley, puts on a blond wig and goes to spend Christmas with Margo’s ghost at the cemetery. A hand closes around her throat and Nora turns around to find Margo trying to kill her. Then Nora’s wig falls off and Margo is super confused. Nora introduces herself and takes Margo back to the hotel with her. Margo says she’s been spying on the twins for the past year. She teaches Nora everything she knows about them. They decide to kill both Wakefield twins and become them. But first, they have to make sure the twins hate each other again.

Nora pretends to be Liz and calls Todd and asks him to a movie, then makes out with him the whole night where Liz, who is at the theater with Enid, can see them. When Jessica gets home that night, Liz starts screaming at her and won’t listen to Jessica’s claims that she was with Ken all night. Nora’s proud of herself for impersonating Liz so well and she’s all psyched to try Jessica, but Margo says Nora has to be Liz. Yeah, Margo and Nora fight over who gets to be Jessica when they kill the twins and take over their lives.

On New Year’s Eve, the twins go to a carnival with their friends. Jessica goes into the House of Mirrors and gets totally creeped out. Then we don’t see her again until she shows up two hours later and Lila asks her where her earrings went. Hmm. Later that night, Nora sneaks into the Wakefield house and kills Jessica, Margo be damned. Liz is in the next room having a nightmare and she screams. Nora freaks out and starts climbing out the window. Liz runs to Jessica’s room and sees her, but thinks she’s Margo. The she sees Jessica’s dead body and starts screaming.

While the Wakefields are at the hospital, friends of the twins gather on the front lawn. It’s three-thirty in the morning, so I don’t know how any of them heard about what happened, but whatever. At the police station, Liz tries to tell the police that she saw Margo climbing out the window, but the detective is a bitch and just shows her Margo’s death certificate. Liz points out that Margo’s body was never found, but the detective is an idiot. Meanwhile, Nora hasn’t seen Margo all night. She gets it into her head that Margo is going to kill her, so she plans to kill her first. Then she’ll kill Liz and become her, since she fucked up on becoming Jessica.

Ned and Alice try to talk to Liz about funeral arrangements for Jessica, but Liz doesn’t think a funeral parlor is appropriate. She insists the memorial should be held at the school since it was Jessica’s favorite place in the world. Except for all those times she wanted to skip school and shit. But anyway. Two thousand people show up for the service. Liz reads a poem for Jessica and then runs off stage crying. Todd hugs her and says he’s sorry for whatever Liz thinks he did. Liz says she knows he wasn’t with Jessica that night and that Margo was tricking him. Todd acts like she’s crazy (“Margo’s dead. Remember?”) and Liz is all cryptic instead of just explaining that she was at the movies with Enid that night and saw Todd kissing someone who looked just like her.

After the memorial, Liz “feels Jessica’s presence” and is suddenly sure she’s alive. She tries to tell Steve, but he just thinks she’s losing her mind. She has a dream that night that there are two Margos trying to kill her. Now Liz is pretty sure Margo had a twin, that Jessica is still alive and that Margo is the one who got stabbed on New Year’s Eve. That’s a lot of information to glean from a nightmare. The police come over the next day to question her some more and the detective for some reason puts her gun on a table in the dining room. Liz makes an excuse and sneaks out through the dining room, picking up the gun on her way to the Jeep.

Liz goes to the school and sees the furnace room door open. She goes in and sees Jessica and Nora struggling. She holds up the gun, but can’t tell which one is really her twin, even though Jessica is the one who’s tied up. She makes what looks to me to be a random choice and aims the gun at Nora, telling Jessica to pick up Nora’s knife and cut herself free. She explains to Jessica that Margo had a twin, and tells Nora she killed her own twin sister that night, not Jessica.

The cops show up and arrest Nora and the world sits comfortably on its axis for another day. A few days later, Lila, Liz and Steve throw Jessica a “Welcome Back from the Dead” party. Seriously.

Quotes:

Margo shook her head. “This is my show,” she said. Nora detected a hint of menace in her voice. “The cast includes me in the role of Jessica, and you as Elizabeth. There are no understudies.” … [Nora] hated going against Margo’s wishes. But she wasn’t ready to give up her dream. Not by a long shot.

I can’t believe they seriously have a falling out because they can’t agree on who gets to be Jessica.

The Cover: I guess there’s not really much to snark at here. It’s kind of a boring cover.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Real friends will try to talk you out of getting a jumpstart on your career.

The Big Deal: Frat party

Synopsis:

The last book ended with Zach and Jessica at a restaurant and Magda about to catch them together, which is bad because Magda wants Zach and Jessica wants Magda to like her so she’ll get into the sorority. This book starts with Jessica acting insane and dragging Zach to the ladies’ room. She insists there’s a raging fire in the restaurant and convinces Zach they need to climb out the bathroom window. They do so, and Zach thinks Jessica is just so awesome and wild. Jessica is sure she’s falling in love, so she decides she’s going to stay with Liz at SVU.

Liz calls Todd and tells him she’s not coming home. Seriously? Like, you’re just going to stay at the college? I don’t think you can just, you know, do that. If nothing else, you should probably go home for some clothes or something. Oh, and hey, maybe you should talk to your parents. Anyway, Todd is basically traumatized: “Todd Wilkins let the phone fall with a clatter, his face as white as a sheet…He felt as if he had been punched in the stomach.” He goes driving around to all the places he and Liz love the most, conjuring up all these memories, acting like Liz is dead. When Ken hears from Jessica and learns she’s also going to stay at SVU, he and Todd decide they’re not going to stand for it. They get all the twins’ friends together, pass out some flyers that say “Operation Wakefield Twins” (I’m not making that up) and come up with some elaborate plan to get the twins to come back. It’s basically the same reverse psychology plan the twins used on Steve when he wanted to quit school and work on a boat. So everyone calls the twins and tells them how awesome things are going to be when they’re gone. For instance, now Lila will be the most popular girl in school and Enid will be the smartest. Oh, and Ned and Alice are looking forward to taking that long trip to Europe they’ve always talked about.

Liz hates her internship. The editor-in-chief, Mr. Petherbrook, is a lecherous perv who keeps eyeing Liz’s legs and calling her “honeybunch” and shit. He also won’t give her any real newspaper assignments and just keeps asking her to make copies and get him coffee. Liz finally snaps, tells him off and walks out. So much for your internship.

Suddenly the twins are starting to rethink their decision. Liz has no internship and Jessica finds out she wouldn’t be able to join the cheerleading squad until the following year. They both miss their boyfriends. Of course, these are just the first seeds of doubt. They still totally plan to stay. Besides, there’s a big frat party being given by Zach’s fraternity and Jessica is determined to go. The only problem is that Magda is going to be there. Jessica doesn’t want Magda to see her with Zach, so she browbeats Liz into a really stupid twin switch.

Liz goes to the party dressed all slutty, which means everyone thinks she’s Jessica even though this is a party where she doesn’t know anyone. Jessica goes dressed more conservatively than usual, but she only wants Magda to think she’s Liz. She still wants to be Zach’s date as Jessica.

Operation Wakefield Twins involves everyone driving up to SVU. Steve and Billie are in on the whole thing and they let the gang into their apartment while the twins are at the Zeta party. They’re hanging banners and blowing up balloons when Ken suddenly realizes Jessica wouldn’t want to stay at SVU just for Liz. He deduces there must be another guy involved. He and Todd decide to crash the Zeta party and see what’s going on. When they get there, they look in a window like the creepers they are and see “Jessica” looking bored while “Liz” dances happily with some guy. Todd gets all emo and says he’s going home, but Ken convinces him he should fight for his chick. They decide to go in, but they don’t get past the bouncer.

Liz notices the commotion at the door and runs into Todd’s arms. He’s confused and then relieved that it’s not his girlfriend who’s dancing with some other guy. Then the bouncer throws him outside. Ken’s pissed, so he taps Jessica on the shoulder and asks what her deal is. She tries to say it was a blind date, which upsets Zach, so he’s all, “But what about our love?” and Ken’s all, “But what about me?” and Jess is all, “You’re tearing me apart!” Ken leaves, and just when things couldn’t get any worse, Magda comes up to Jessica (who she still thinks is Liz) and tells her she can have Zach because he’s only a junior in high school, “Just like you.” Jessica and Zach yell at each other for a minute and then decide the whole thing is hilarious. Then Jessica says she’s got to go and find her boyfriend.

The twins leave the party but don’t see the boys anywhere. They go back to Steve’s apartment where they find a surprise party waiting for them. All their friends are there to wish them luck and say goodbye. They put on some slideshow highlighting awesome high school times. Todd comes in with chips and soda and stuff. He tells Jessica Ken’s in the car. She runs outside and makes him stop the car. She jumps in and they have a talk and of course Ken forgives her for everything. They go back inside and the twins decide they would really be much happier if they decided to forget this whole college thing.

Quotes:

“SVU is only two hours away from Sweet Valley, after all.”

Why? Why is Sweet Valley University two hours away from Sweet Valley? That doesn’t make sense.

Just then a big blond guy walked by with a shaggy sheepdog by his side. He did a double take as he passed Jessica, tripping over the dog’s leash and stumbling to the ground.

Because she’s just that hot, folks. But isn’t it funny that these things never happen to Elizabeth?

Enid Rollins’s mouth dropped open.

Olivia Davidson’s eyes bugged out.

Winston Egbert dropped his fork with a clatter.

“Elizabeth’s not coming back?” they exclaimed in unison.

Oh, fuck off, all of you.

Elizabeth took a quick look in the mirror and stared at herself, aghast…She had never shown so much skin in her entire life.

Don’t you go to the beach – in a swimsuit – like every day?

The Cover: I don’t remember either twin taking any classes in this book, so I don’t really know what’s up with the blonde in the classroom. I think the guy with glasses is Liz’s nerd friend, Ian, which means the other guy is probably Zach. SVU’s color is purple, I guess.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: Terrible things happen when you don’t listen to Elizabeth.

The Big Deal: Camping trip from hell

Synopsis:

Everyone is tired and hungry. Liz calculates it will take two days to get to the rendezvous point, so they start walking. It soon becomes apparent that Heather and her sprained ankle are going to slow them down way too much. Liz suggests Jessica stay with Heather while everyone else goes for help. A little while later, they come to a fork in the road. Ken and Liz think they should take the high road because they could die in a flash flood on the low road if it rains. Bruce and Todd think that’s stupid, so they all split up. Of course, the second they’re alone, Ken and Liz start to remember how attracted they are to each other. My god, these kids are ridiculous. I mean, each guy on this stupid camping trip has made out with each Wakefield twin at some point. Anyway, down on the low road, Bruce can’t resist taunting Todd about Ken and Liz being alone together.

That night, Bruce kills a snake, which Todd finds disgusting. Ken and Liz see a bunch of shooting stars. Jessica wakes up to find the escaped convicts snooping around the camp. She keeps quiet, hoping they’ll go away, but Heather wakes up and starts screaming.

The next morning, Todd is so tortured by the idea of Liz and Ken being together that he plots a course that will take him and Bruce right to Ken and Liz. Bruce figures it out after a little while and stays right where he is, letting Todd stomp off alone. Liz is climbing up a cliff while Ken waits at the bottom when the rock under her hand suddenly crumbles. She can’t go up or down because the rock keeps crumbling. She hangs out there for a pretty long while, and then suddenly Bruce is pulling her up. Unfortunately, a huge bald eagle swoops down and steals Bruce’s bag of gold while he’s saving Liz. Todd shows up shortly and they all yell to Ken at the bottom that Liz is okay.

Meanwhile, Heather and Jessica are tied up while the bad guys ask them where the gold is. They say they don’t have any. Jessica thinks two of the guys look like Moe and Larry from the Three Stooges, so that’s what she calls them. The third guy seems nice because he gives Jessica beef jerky and water when Moe isn’t looking. Jessica calls him Jack. Moe is apparently obsessed with explosions and stuff, so he fires off Jessica’s flare gun. When they see the flare, Liz and the rest of the gang figure Jessica and Heather are in trouble so they go running back the way they came. So then they’re all in trouble.

They hand over all their gold to the bad guys and then it starts raining. Liz yells that they’re all targets for lightning and they should get to lower ground. The bad guys tie the kids up and leave them to be lightning rods. This is exactly what Liz wanted. They get themselves untangled and start running away, but then they see Jack getting swept away in the rising river. They save him and then they all talk for a while. Jack wants to make it to the border and then try to make a life for himself, start over. Heather can’t stop flirting with him. She’s fucking weird.

Everyone assumes Moe and Larry are dead, but of course they’re not. The gang is walking by a cave and suddenly Moe reaches out and grabs Liz, dragging her in. Jack tries to reason with him and convince him to let the kids go, but Moe is a murderer and really just wants to kill someone. Jessica creates a diversion by acting like her stomach hurts, giving Jack time to get behind Moe and get the knife away from him. Moe pushes Liz away so he can fight with Jack. The fight results in Jack getting shot. So no help there. Moe cocks the gun and points it at Jessica, but just then everyone can hear an airplane outside. Moe runs out, telling Larry to kill the kids. Jessica manages to sweet talk him into not doing that. Larry fires all six shots over his head and then runs outside. Then the roof caves in, leaving the stupid kids trapped in the dark with no way out.

Jessica starts exploring and finds a path that leads deeper into the cave. Liz is the only one with a flashlight, since the others ditched theirs to make room for the gold. Following Jessica’s path will be dangerous, so Liz reinstitutes the buddy system and insists it will be safer if everyone stays with their original buddies. They walk for a while and then they’re suddenly walking through water. The water is rising and if they don’t get out soon, they’ll all drown.

Ugh, it’s just one thing after another with these fucking kids.

So the water rises to the level of their necks and somehow the flashlight gets knocked to the ground and everyone thinks they’re going to die. And then suddenly the water recedes. Everyone is super happy for a minute, but then Ken gets frustrated and punches the cave wall and part of it crumbles away. Turns out it’s just shale, so everyone starts punching and kicking the wall and they eventually come out not fifty yards from the rendezvous point. They all get to go home and everyone is happy, though Jessica is dismayed to find that the one gold nugget she saved is actually pyrite, and Liz is upset that the diary she found is a fake, probably left over from a movie set or a reenactment or something.

Quotes:

“Do you think you could manage for one second to get that tone of superiority out of your voice?” Todd asked Elizabeth flatly.

Ah, ha ha! Seriously.

“Well, I have, in fact, kissed both girls myself,” Bruce replied. “And between you and me, Todd, neither one is really that hot.”

I’ll admit that Bruce had me cracking up through most of this book.

The Cover: Ha, Jessica and Heather look like they’re being stalked by ghosts. I imagine Heather is the one in the baseball cap, even though I don’t think she would actually ever wear one. Elizabeth falling off the cliff is pretty funny. Her legs look way too long. And aw, look at Bruce actually caring about someone.

The Moral of the Story: Never go camping with the Wakefield twins.

The Big Deal: Big stupid survival thing in Death Valley

Synopsis:

The Sweet Valley Survival Society has held an essay contest. The six winners will be camping for four days in Death Valley with limited supplies. Somehow, the winners are Liz, Jessica, Todd, Ken, Bruce and Heather. Am I supposed to believe Jessica, Heather and Bruce actually wrote essays for this thing? They have a crash course before the trip where they learn about compasses and shit, and then Kay, the instructor, drives them out to the desert. Liz can’t believe everyone is complaining so much and she keeps going on and on about what a great opportunity this is. Even Todd rolls his eyes at her. When they get to the dropoff point, Kay gives them some last minute instructions and breaks the group into three sets of “buddies.” Jessica and Todd, Liz and Bruce, Heather and Ken. Jessica is pissed that Heather will be flirting with Ken for four days, and Todd isn’t happy about Liz being paired with Bruce.

Kay leaves and Liz takes charge because nobody else seems interested in doing so. Jessica and Todd try to get her to switch everyone’s partners, but Liz is adamant that they stick to the rules. Jessica spends the day getting upset at Ken for actually letting Heather flirt with him. When they make camp for the night, Jessica tells Ken she’s jealous, but Ken says she has nothing to worry about.

The next day, Liz tries not to be pissy when Ken says he wants to navigate. At lunchtime, they stop near an old mine shaft. Heather turns on the portable television she’s brought along and they all listen to a newscast about three criminals who escaped from a nearby prison. Then Bruce decides he wants to explore the mine shaft. Liz, as Bruce’s buddy, decides she’d better go in after him to make sure he doesn’t die. She finds a satchel with some papers in it and grabs it and runs when the shaft starts to collapse. Once outside, Liz opens the satchel and finds it’s full of gold nuggets. There’s also a map and a diary. The diary says something about a curse involving the “Treasure of the Scorpion.” Apparently, if you find the treasure, you’re supposed to leave half of it for the next lucky traveler, along with a copy of the map. Everyone except Liz wants to go hunting for the rest of the gold, marked by Xs on the map.

Liz actually comes around to the idea of looking for the rest of the gold because it would make such a great story. Everyone is excited when she says they can at least look at one X on the map, but they all think she’s crazy when she and Todd start to bury half the treasure. Bruce and Jessica yell at them, so Liz and Todd relent and say it would be silly to believe in the curse. The group packs up and everyone goes on their merry way, happily babbling about what they’re going to spend their money on. They have to climb up some rocks and Todd totally checks out Jessica’s legs. Then he gets pissed when Liz accepts Bruce’s help. Then Liz and Bruce have a conversation about the stock market, and Liz can’t help but notice how attractive he is and remember their brief romance. And of course Bruce remembers how hot Liz is and starts wondering how he can get her alone. Gross.

When they finally get to the area marked on the treasure map, Bruce discovers a cave and everyone wants to explore it. They come to a fork in the path and Bruce takes Liz in one direction while everyone else goes the other way. Bruce is about to ask Liz if she wants to make out when Jessica suddenly yells that she found the treasure. Everyone meets outside. Bruce and Jessica want to go searching for the rest of the marked spots on the map, but Liz gets Todd, Ken and Heather on her side. Now Bruce and Jessica are pissed at Liz, so she gets snippy with Todd and pretty soon everyone goes to bed angry with everyone else.

The next day, Liz is so exhausted that Todd feels sorry for her and offers to take over the navigating. Jessica knows Todd sucks at reading maps and stuff, so she “helps” him, making sure to lead everyone to the final treasure rather than to the rendezvous point. When Liz realizes they’re going in the wrong direction, she yells at everyone, calling Jessica deceitful, Todd spineless, Heather spoiled, Ken worthless and Bruce a buffoon. Then she sees that there’s a stream ahead, and since they need water they have no choice but to continue toward the treasure.

It turns out the stream is really a raging river. To get across, the gang decides to try “that special arm-linking technique” they were taught. Everything goes according to plan for about five seconds, and then Heather decides she’s too scared to hold on. She lets go and gets swept away. Everyone else continues across, and then they run down the riverbank until they see Heather holding on to a log. When Heather is safe, Ken yells at Jessica for letting go of her. Bruce says he was holding onto Heather’s other hand as hard as he could, but Heather let go. Ken doesn’t care, he just wants to be mad at Jessica for some reason. Jessica stalks off and Liz follows her. Everyone talks about how stuck up the twins are.

That night, Ken and Heather sit together for a while. Jessica wants to make Ken jealous, so she goes and flirts with Bruce. Bruce knows exactly what she’s trying to do and has no problem playing along. Jessica suddenly becomes convinced that Heather is going to steal her gold in the middle of the night, so she puts it in her sleeping bag when nobody is looking. She wakes up later to go to the bathroom, and when she comes back she finds the gold is gone. She starts yelling and wakes everyone up. Heather comes out of the woods and Jessica accuses her of stealing the gold, but Heather says she has an alibi. Then Ken comes out of the woods and sheepishly says Heather was with him. You bastard. Bruce jokingly says the escaped convicts must have stolen it and everyone goes to sleep.

The next morning, Jessica and Heather have a screaming match because Jessica is still convinced Heather stole her gold. Heather again says smugly that she was with Ken, then she stands next to him and links her arm through his. Ken says he doesn’t want to take sides. Heather gets pissed and walks away. She walks down the riverbank for a while, plotting her revenge. Then she hears someone laughing. Peeking from behind a big rock, Heather sees three men in blue jumpsuits, Jessica’s bag of gold between them. She goes back to camp, but nobody believes she saw the convicts.

Everyone gets moving again and stupid Heather manages to fall and sprain her ankle. So now the boys are forced to help her walk, which makes the twins even more angry at the world. At around the time they’re supposed to be getting picked up at the rendezvous point, the gang arrives at the final treasure spot marked on the map. They go into the cave and find six skeletons. They run outside and it starts to rain. Sucks to be them.

Quotes:

“It’s not up to you, Todd. It’s my job to make sure my buddy gets out of Death Valley alive. I have to face up to that.”

Liz, you are a bunch of high school kids on a camping trip. It is not that serious.

Elizabeth didn’t look forward to her parents’ reaction when they heard how she and Jessica had nearly lost their lives over some gold.

Why? Do you think they’ll suddenly start reacting to your near death experiences?

“What is with those Wakefield women that makes them think they’re better than everybody?” Ken asked.

Maybe it’s because the whole town celebrates every time a Wakefield gets up in the morning.

The Cover: I cannot figure out who is supposed to be who on this cover, but I’m sure that’s a Wakefield on the right with the Virgin Mary glow around her head.

Read the rest of this miniseries: Part one, part two.

The Moral of the Story: You can totally win the cheerleading competition if you make sure the better squad gets disqualified.

The Big Deal: National cheerleading competition

Synopsis:

The cheerleaders win the state championships, but Jessica is all pissed off when Heather makes a speech and acts like it’s her squad. Liz is still cheerleading even though the only reason she joined the squad was so Jessica wouldn’t tell Todd about her and Ken and, well, now that cat’s out of the bag. After Heather’s speech, Jessica runs off to cry about it, and the other cheerleaders lift Liz up in victory, thinking she’s Jessica. Jessica cries about it some more.

Liz tries to apologize to Jessica and explain the whole Ken situation, but Jessica is convinced that Liz was trying to steal her boyfriend to get back at her for blackmailing her. She tries to talk to Todd, too, but he’s not interested in making up. When the cheerleaders get on their bus to head up to Yosemite for the national competition, both Ken and Todd are all sad. Todd realizes he really does love Liz, but now he’s messed everything up. He bumps into Ken and they start shoving each other. From the sidelines, Bruce tells them the Wakefields aren’t worth fighting over, so Todd and Ken join forces and tackle Bruce. After a talking-to from Chrome Dome, Todd and Ken make up. They decide to drive up to Yosemite and get their twins back. They take Winston with them.

At the cheerleading compound, The Sweet Valley squad is assigned to share a cabin with the Alabama squad. Southern stereotypes ensue. When Heather’s old squad from Reno shows up, Heather gets all freaked out. In her bed, she finds a newspaper clipping detailing the circumstances under which she was kicked off her old squad. There is also a note from Marissa James, the Reno squad’s current captain, telling Heather to meet her outside. The next day, Heather messes up in all the routines and it’s obvious to me that Marissa is blackmailing her into losing.

The stupid boys get to the compound but can’t get in because there are no boys allowed. Let’s just forget about the fact that lots of cheerleading squads have boys on them, and also that friends and family members generally come to these things to watch. Whatever. The boys start heading back home, but then have a great idea. They’re going to dress as girls. Guys, the girls will be back on Monday. Just hang on.

I hate this.

Jessica is sick of Heather screwing everything up, so she decides to kick her off the squad. They end up having an argument, of course, and Heather tells Jessica the whole story about how she cheated on a math exam and got kicked off her old squad, and now Marissa James is blackmailing her. Heather confesses to the whole squad, and they all decide Marissa James is the devil and they’re going to beat her stupid squad. The SVH squad tries to leave their cabin for the next morning’s competitions, but Marissa has locked the door from the outside and sealed all the windows shut. Todd, Ken and Winston are worried when the girls don’t show up before the competition starts, so they go off looking for them and find the cabin. They open the door and all the girls make fun of their horrible disguises.

Later that day, the sight of the boys in their cheerleading uniforms is too much for the twins and they start laughing so hard they have to hold on to each other to keep from falling over. (I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard that I’ve fallen down. It sounds like fun.) Just like that, the twins are friends again and they decide to play a joke on the boys. Before their final performance, the twins run on stage and call Todd, Ken and Winston to the floor to do a routine. The boys, of course, suck at it. When they start sliding all over the floor, the girls realize the Reno squad must have done something. They tell the referee what they think, and the Reno squad admits to pouring baby oil all over the floor. In the end, the Reno squad is disqualified and the Sweet Valley squad comes in second place. Then the twins make up with their boyfriends and everyone is happy. Hooray!

Quotes:

Elizabeth gritted her teeth…She felt like screaming out for everyone to hear: “If you weren’t blackmailing me, I wouldn’t come near your stupid squad!” But of course Elizabeth couldn’t say anything. Jessica had her over a barrel.

Liz, honey. Todd already knows about you and Ken. It’s the reason you’re broken up right now. Nothing will change if you quit the squad.

He had forgiven Elizabeth when she’d had a fling with Luke the summer she was in London. Of course, he’d had a little fling of his own. But this was different.

Oh, you guys. Just break up already.

Suddenly a face popped out the door. “Well, hi, y’all!” exclaimed a big freckle-faced southern girl, waving as the Sweet Valley High cheerleaders approached their cabin.

“C’mon in!” said another friendly-looking girl, propping the door of the cabin wide open. “We’ve been waitin’ for you to arrive. Kept wonderin’ where the girls from California were! I’m Wilhemina, and this is Peggy May.”

Of course you are.

“If Ken can’t distinguish me from my sister, then he must not really love me.”

Do I have to define the word “identical” for you?

The Cover: Ooh, sparkly! It’s funny, of all the numerous descriptions in the book about the uniforms, I don’t think any of them looked like that.

Liz is studying in Todd’s room and finds a letter from a girl named Michelle back in Vermont. It’s really cutesy and bubbly and looks like it’s from a girlfriend. Liz checks the date and sees it was written a week ago. Without giving Todd a chance to explain, Liz gets really melodramatic and tells Todd to go back to Vermont “to the girl you really love.” She goes to the Beach Disco that night and makes out with Jeffrey. When she gets home, she decides to read a random volume of her diary:

We get to hear Liz’s version of what happened in #23, Say Goodbye, when Todd moved away. It’s basically everything you already know but with more Nicholas-kissing. Oh, and at the end, after they make up, Todd climbs a ladder and crawls through Liz’s bedroom window. They’re too lame to do anything fun, though.

Then a recap of #24, Memories, which is really more about Steve, Cara and Betsy than it is about Liz hooking up with a Todd lookalike.

Then we get to hear about how awesome Liz is when she reunites a family in #25, Nowhere to Run and how she can stop terrorists in #26, Hostage! (There’s another Nicholas kiss in this one.) There’s also a recap of her short story writing skills being too much for a dumb jock to resist stealing in #27, Lovestruck.

By the time we get to Liz’s awesome matchmaking abilities in #28, Alone in the Crowd, Liz is referring to herself as single, and by #29, Bitter Rivals, Todd and Liz are casually talking on the phone about the dates he’s gone on in Vermont and Liz is hanging out with Ken Matthews quite a bit. Liz and Ken go to movies and restaurants together, and in #30, Jealous Lies, they go to the Friday the Thirteenth dance together. At a party for Steve, Ken and Liz end up making out, but they keep their relationship a secret because it looks bad for Todd’s girlfriend and best friend to be hooking up. Liz finally breaks things off with Ken while she’s trying to get Enid and Jeffrey together in #31, Taking Sides. That’s when she realizes she really loves Jeffrey.

Back to the present: After reading her awesome diary, Liz realizes she’s had a really full life. The next morning, Todd comes over and they make up.

What.

Ever.

The Cover: As you can see above, my copy of this book is pretty messed up. This image comes from The Closet.

[The Closet is no longer active. Please bear with me while I try to track down another copy of this pic.]

Look at this horrible mash-up of ugly. We’ve seen all these covers before, so I don’t really have anything new to say except that I think it’s funny that they threw Steve and Cara in there all small like an afterthought, and Ken looks weird. He’s clearly from the cover of Lovestruck, but he’s been shopped to look a little less creepy.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: It’s totally okay to ruin someone’s life. Your love life is way more important.

The Big Deal: Barbecue party at the beach, bridal shower for Sue

Synopsis:

The last book ended with Jessica and Jeremy making out at an engagement party for Jeremy and Sue. This book starts with Liz finding them and telling them Alice wants to give a toast. The twins argue, and Liz is convinced Jessica has a love addiction and needs to be stopped. Both Steve and Enid tell her that trying to control Jessica is a stupid idea. Jessica and Jeremy keep sneaking around and Liz keeps trying to stop them. Liz’s self-help books tell her Jessica’s love addiction is a disease, so she’s sure there must be some way she can help.

One day, Sue gets some test results back and finds out she has the same rare blood disease that killed her mother. The doctors say she’s got two or three years to live. She tells Liz she wants to call off the wedding. Liz tells her to reconsider. Then she tells Jessica she has to stop seeing Jeremy because it’s wrong to “deceive a dying woman.” When Jessica finds out about Sue’s disease, she feels like she caused it somehow because “Jessica had thought in the past that she had psychic powers” and she wanted Sue out of the way so badly. When Sue tells Jeremy about her disease, he promises to stay with her until the end.

Todd finally gets back from his grandmother’s house and Liz is determined to tell him about Luke. Before she can tell him, Todd says he met a girl who lived next door to his grandmother. They had a fling, but it was really nothing; Liz is the only one he cares about. Liz gets angry and breaks up with him. Then she annoys Enid and Olivia with all her self-help mumbo jumbo. She tells them she ate too much cake from the engagement party and that’s a sign that she has no self control.

Meanwhile, Lila’s been dating Jeremy’s friend, Robby. Robby pretended to be rich so Lila would like him, but finally came clean. Now Lila is worried Robby only likes her for her money. She tells him a story about her parents being servants for the Fowler family. Robby gives her a passionate kiss and Lila worries her plan will backfire and Robby will actually like her better poor. In the end, she tells him the truth and is relieved when he says he loves her no matter how much money she has.

Now that Jeremy knows about Sue’s disease, he feels like he shouldn’t see Jessica anymore. Jessica isn’t giving up, though, and she starts tagging along on all of Jeremy and Sue’s dates. Liz, trying to keep Jessica from doing something stupid, also tags along. At a cookout on the beach, Jessica gets all emo and walks away. Sue, who is amazingly oblivious through this whole thing, gets worried and sends Jeremy after her. Jessica is just about to kiss him when Liz and Enid show up to drag them back to the party.

The night before the wedding, the twins have a shower for Sue. The girls start talking about Jeremy’s bachelor party and everyone except Sue wants to crash it. They all go over to Robby’s place and Liz seems disappointed that there are no strippers for her to disapprove of. Robby’s idea of a bachelor party was to cook a gourmet meal, so all the guys are grateful when the girls show up. Steve and Todd are there for some reason, and Steve tells Liz how sorry Todd is for his fling. Liz decides to stop being so obnoxious. She makes up with Todd and tells him about Luke. Then she decides to stop trying to control Jessica.

At the wedding, Jessica can’t stand it anymore. She shouts that Jeremy can’t marry Sue because he doesn’t really love her, he loves Jessica. Sue faints, the priest leads Jeremy away and everyone is pissed at Jessica.

Quotes:

“I’m slowly rediscovering myself and learning why I let myself lose control so it doesn’t happen again. And that’s why I think you should read this book about love addiction so you don’t lose control with Jeremy.”

Argh, shut up, Liz!

It was totally out of character for her to have done something like falling in love with another guy.

Right.

The Cover: Those dresses are hideous. All of them. Jeremy looks more evil than bastardly, like he’s planning to kill Sue after the ceremony. And Sue looks like this horrible girl I used to know, so I automatically hate her.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: You might think you love someone else, but you’re really supposed to stay with your first love forever and ever and ever.

The Big Deal: Pool party at the Wakefields’ house

Synopsis:

At breakfast one morning, Alice announces she and Hank Patman are going to Chicago again for a week. Liz drags Jessica upstairs and tells her Alice and Hank used to be married and are now having an affair. Jessica wants to just go show the wedding photo to Alice and ask her about it, but Liz doesn’t want her to for some reason.

Todd’s parents are still in Yosemite for another week, Ned is leaving town to go to a seminar or something, and now Alice is going to Chicago. With all four parents out of town, Todd thinks he should move in with Liz. Liz asks Jessica if it’s okay with her, and Jessica says sure, if they do all her chores and make her dinner every night.

As soon as Liz and Todd get “home” after school on Monday, Liz gets a call from Bruce and tells Todd she has to borrow his car and rush right over to the Patmans’ house. When Jessica gets home, she decides it’ll be fun to freak Todd out. She tells him the whole story about Hank and Alice and makes Todd worry that Liz and Bruce are “comforting each other.” In fact, Liz and Bruce are in the Patmans’ attic looking for more old stuff. They find a love letter from Alice to Hank, and then they find Alice’s wedding and engagement rings. After two hours, Liz suddenly remembers that Todd exists and she hurries home to make it up to him.

The next night, Todd wants to have a romantic evening with Liz, but she reminds him they have to do laundry because it’s Jessica’s turn. And I guess the laundry has to be done on Tuesdays or else. Todd thinks it’ll be fun to go to the new “videomat” where they can watch a movie while they do the laundry. Liz overdoses on espressos and acts like she’s drunk, and Todd puts too much detergent in the washer and makes a huge bubbly mess.

The next morning, Bruce shows up at the Wakefields’ house before school. Liz kisses Todd on the cheek and says Bruce is going to give her a ride because he has to talk about something really important. Bruce tells Liz his mother is moving out and he’s really upset about it. Bruce also gives Liz a ride home that afternoon and they go up to the Wakefields’ attic to try to find more stuff. They find a school paper from when Hank and Alice were in college, and there’s an article that details Hank’s heroic food drop. Liz and Bruce simultaneously come to the conclusion that they need to take a trip to the college to find out more about what Alice and Hank were like back then, and maybe they’ll be able to “understand what’s motivating them now.”

Liz has been sort of avoiding Todd because having him at the house is a little too much. Todd wants to fix things, so he goes shopping and comes home with groceries to make a romantic dinner. When he gets to the house, Liz and Bruce are sitting around eating cookies in their swimsuits. Liz says she invited Bruce to stay for dinner, and they go outside while Todd starts cooking. Later, Liz and Todd have a fight and Liz explains she just feels sorry for Bruce. They join Bruce and Jessica in the living room. Bruce sees a note next to the phone and says, “Room four forty-four, that’s my dad’s room.” The twins are all, “No, that’s our mom’s room….Wait a minute!” Jessica thinks it’s just a mistake and wants to call the hotel to make sure, but Liz won’t let her. Why? Oh, I just hate her.

Bruce and Liz sneak off the next day to visit the university. They don’t really find anything useful, but they do make googly eyes at each other and have the exact same thoughts: “If my mother/father could fall in love with Hank/Alice, then it’s not crazy for me to fall in love with Bruce/Liz.” On their way back to Sweet Valley, they see a car broken down on the side of the road. It just so happens to be Todd. They stop to pick him up, and Liz gets all indignant when Todd seems upset that she’s with Bruce. Everyone goes to the Beach Disco that night, and Liz dances with Bruce the whole time. The next day, Bruce and Liz both feel bad and decide to focus more on their relationships with Todd and Pamela.

On Saturday, Todd and the twins are preparing for a totally awesome pool party they’ve decided to throw that night. Then Bruce calls and Liz invites him to go shopping with them. Todd has had enough and blows up at Liz, and she gets all mean and tells him he can just stay home if he doesn’t want to go shopping with Bruce. So he does. I don’t know why he just doesn’t go back to his own house.

At the party, Pamela notices the way Bruce looks at Liz, and she asks him if he has feelings for her. Bruce admits that he does, and Pamela runs off. Bruce goes inside and finds Liz in the kitchen. They start talking about their parents and how much everything sucks, and then suddenly they’re making out. They don’t stop until they notice Todd in the doorway. Bruce goes outside and Todd is pissed. Liz makes it all about her, though, and gets angry when Todd won’t give her the benefit of the doubt. Ugh.

Todd leaves to go driving around to let off steam. He comes to the conclusion that the problems with Liz are partly his fault and he shouldn’t have overreacted when he caught Liz and Bruce together. What?! Your girlfriend was making out with another guy! Todd decides to go back to the party and “really listen” when he talks to Liz.

Pamela comes up to Liz outside and tells her that she and Bruce just broke up, so Liz is free to be with him. Liz thinks about her feelings and decides that since Bruce kissed her and she willingly kissed him back, she must be falling in love with him. Jeez, these kids have a funny definition of love. Liz is upset and confused and she decides to get in the pool. She bounces way too high on the diving board. I guess she hits her head on the bottom or something because she doesn’t resurface. Jessica screams for someone to help her, and Todd just so happens to be coming back from his drive. He jumps in the pool and saves Liz.

Todd takes Liz up to her room, and suddenly Alice comes home. She’s pissed about the party, but also about Todd’s duffel bag in the hallway and his shaving kit in the bathroom. She tells Liz she’s disappointed in her, and Liz accuses Alice of sneaking around with Hank Patman. Instead of being totally pissed off, Alice tells Todd to go find Bruce, and then she has a little story time. She tells the kids about her engagement to Hank and how she left him at the altar. She also explains that room four forty-four is a two bedroom suite at the hotel and she is absolutely not having an affair with Hank Patman. So now everyone’s happy except for Bruce, whose parents are still splitting up. Jessica decides to try to get them back together.

Quotes:

Lila snorted. “They are just so out of it. Don’t they know playing house is totally uncool?”

Oh, how I love Lila.

“We’ll call the hotel and ask. It’s as simple as that.”

Elizabeth grabbed the receiver from Jessica’s hand and slammed it down. “We can’t do that,” she whispered. “We just can’t.”

Jessica doesn’t argue and they just allow themselves to get worked up when they could just call the damned hotel.

The Cover: Todd, you need to find some pants and stop shaving your legs. Also, your breakfast is burning.

Synopsis: One of the sucky things about this new miniseries format is the amount of time wasted recapping the previous books.

Elizabeth: Liz feels like it’s a whole new world ever since she was acquitted of manslaughter. She and Enid go to the Dairi Burger and Liz is feeling so good about her life that she orders a hot fudge sundae. Suddenly, Ted Carpenter, a guy we’ve never heard of but who is apparently Sam’s best friend, marches into the Dairi Burger and harasses Liz about having such a good time when Sam is dead. What an ass. Liz, of course, berates herself for having forgotten for a few minutes to feel guilty. Liz gets over it, and people start leaving her alone as the days pass. One day, Todd sees her walking home and offers her a ride. Liz is all, “Fuck off, sister-dater.”

Jessica: Jessica knows she’s losing Todd, so she uses Sam’s death to make him feel sorry for her and stick around. After one last disastrous date, though, Todd tells her it’s over. She refuses his offer of a ride home and starts walking. She ends up at the cemetery and cries for a while. Then she decides to do something “life affirming.” She’s going to plan a dirt bike rally in Sam’s honor. Jessica hears Liz having a nightmare one night and she suddenly can’t bear it. She goes to Liz’s room and comforts her. She’s about to confess to spiking Liz’s drink at the prom, but then Alice comes in all smiley about the twins getting along. Jessica loses her nerve and goes back to ignoring her sister.

Lila: Lila’s mother helps Lila throw a party for all her friends. Lila is grateful, but wishes Grace’s boyfriend, Pierre, didn’t have to be there. Amy, looking scared of something, leaves the party early without telling anyone what’s wrong. She calls Lila the next day and says Pierre came on to her and touched her boob. Lila is outraged for her friend, of course, but she’s also pleased that now she has a reason to get Pierre out of Grace’s life so Grace can stay at Fowler Crest. Of course, she doesn’t want to tell Grace right away because she’s afraid she won’t believe her. She comes up with another plan. She takes an entire day off school to spend with Pierre. She makes sure he gets drunk, then takes him back to Fowler Crest and shoves him in a closet. Then she goes off without him to have dinner with her parents. George is happy Pierre isn’t there, and he proposes to Grace. Grace is hesitant, and just then Pierre comes into the restaurant, hammered out of his mind. The maître d’ throws him out, and Lila follows. She tells Pierre she knows what he did to Amy, and if he goes back to Paris right now, she won’t tell anyone. Inside, Grace and George decide to get married.

Margo: Margo is staying at a boardinghouse in Sweet Valley. She can’t wait to take over Elizabeth Wakefield’s life. She goes to Kelly’s Bar (I’m guessing it used to be Kelly’s Roadhouse) and meets a gorgeous dirt bike racer named James. Margo pays James to enter Jessica’s rally and win. She wants him to get Jessica’s attention and then get as much information about the Wakefields as he can. James does what she wants and then reports back to Margo every night, and all the while, Jessica is falling in love with him. Margo reads about the Fowler wedding in the paper and wants to be there. She tries to get a job with the caterers, but they don’t need anyone. Margo kills one of the servers so they have an opening. Because I guess that’s easier than gatecrashing.

The outcome: The Fowler wedding is a huge success. Maria Santelli is out of town, so Winston asks Liz to be his date. Liz has more fun than she’s had in a long time, and she and Winston get busy cutting a rug on the dance floor. Todd gets jealous and asks Liz to dance. They dance one song, and then Liz thanks him and walks away. Margo, watching from the sidelines, vows to make Todd her boyfriend just as soon as she kills Liz.

Quotes:

The other times this had happened, Todd had allowed himself to melt into the embrace by imagining that it was Elizabeth he was with, and not her identical twin.

God, this guy is disgusting.

The Cover: I suppose that’s Jessica and James over there by the dirt bike track, but they look terrible. That’s not at all how I pictured James. For the main event, Lila looks really bad and George looks like Wayne Newton or something. As for Grace, I get a little creeped out by brides if I can’t see their faces. I think some of it is because of that creepy kid in The Others, but mostly because of that shot in Flowers in the Attic after the mom’s been hanged by her damned bridal veil.

Damn, that's creepy.