The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: Parties everywhere! One at Winston’s, one at Todd’s new school and one at Todd’s house.

Synopsis:

Todd Wilkins is moving back to Sweet Valley and Liz is all freaked out. She keeps asking herself who she would choose if she has to make a choice between Jeffrey and Todd. She knows Todd isn’t going out with Suzanne Devlin anymore, but she hasn’t heard from him in a couple months. She tells Jeffrey that Todd is coming back and it’s obvious that Jeffrey is worried, but Liz is so confused about her feelings that she can’t bring herself to tell him that he has nothing to worry about. Everyone’s at the Dairi Burger a few days later when Lila tells them that she heard from her father that Todd’s father has been promoted to president of his company and has bought a house in Lila’s neighborhood. Now Jeffrey is really worried that Liz will leave him for Todd.

Liz is upset that Ken and Winston have both gotten letters from Todd and she hasn’t. She’s relieved to think that maybe he doesn’t care about her and she won’t have to choose between him and Jeffrey after all. But then she gets a letter from him that’s postmarked three weeks prior. It somehow got lost in the mail. In the letter, Todd says he wants her to be the first to know he’s moving back. He also says he still has feelings for her and wants to know how she feels. So now Liz is more confused than ever. Jessica thinks she would be an idiot not to go out with Todd because he’s a somebody now. And he’ll be going to Lovett Academy, a nearby private school. Jessica imagines she’ll be able to tag along with Liz when they go out and then she’ll meet her very own Lovett boy.

When Todd gets back into town, Liz is the first person he visits, and he has dinner with the Wakefields a few days later. Jessica starts asking him all kinds of questions about Lovett Academy and Alice wants to know how his family will be decorating their new mansion. Liz starts to wonder if she’ll fit into Todd’s new life. After dinner, Todd says he wants to get back together with her. He knows she’s seeing someone, but promises he’ll wait for her to figure out what she really wants. On Friday night, Jeffrey takes Liz out on a magical date to try to keep the love alive. Liz tells him how confused she is, but that when she figures out what Todd means to her, Jeffrey will be the first to know.

The next night, Winston has a party to welcome Todd back to town. Liz is there with Jeffrey and she appears to Jessica to be in total agony. Aaron and Ken are discussing who Liz will choose. Jessica thinks that if she gets Todd and Jeffrey next to each other, Liz will have no problem figuring out she wants Todd. She drags Todd over to introduce him to Jeffrey and they stiffly shake hands.

Jessica gets Todd to take her and Liz to a party at Lovett. Jessica meets a nice boy named Sheffield, and Liz meets a girl named Courtney Kane, who seems to have a thing for Todd. Liz is all jealous when Courtney mentions the dinner she went to with Todd last night. Todd assures her it was just a social obligation and it was a chore to spend time with Courtney. Yeah, right, Liz ain’t buying that. But Todd tries to kiss her later when he’s dropping her and Jessica off, so Liz thinks Courtney must not mean anything to him. When she gets inside and Alice tells her Jeffrey called, she’s so confused she bursts into tears. She talks to her mother the next morning, and Alice tells her she needs to just listen to her heart, it’s gonna tell her what to do, she might need a lot of lovin’ but she don’t need you. (Sorry, I’m a Tom Petty fan.) Later that day, the twins are hanging out at the pool with Enid and Lila, and Lila starts telling them all about the party Todd’s going to have to “reestablish himself in Sweet Valley.” Lila learned all about the party from Courtney Kane, who says she and Todd will be co-hosting the party together. The thought makes Liz want to cry, but she tells herself Lila is probably lying. Courtney is another Jessica-like character, though. She made the whole thing up about being Todd’s co-host because she knew Lila would repeat it all to Liz. She wants Todd all for herself. Courtney knows all about Liz and Jeffrey, and she tells Sheffield a big lie about Jeffrey giving Liz a ring. Sheffield tells Todd and Todd is all upset. He decides he might as well go ahead and ask Courtney to be his party date.

When Liz gets her invitation to Todd’s party, it’s addressed to her “and friend.” She realizes Todd really is going to be there with Courtney and expects her to bring a date, too. She’s all upset, but Jessica points out that, hey, now she doesn’t have to try to choose between Todd and Jeffrey. Liz suddenly realizes that Todd is the one she really loves and she’s heartbroken to realize she’s lost him again. Liz doesn’t talk to Todd for the next week and pours all her energy into her relationship with Jeffrey, but Jeffrey knows something is wrong. He’s heard the rumors about Todd and Courtney, and on the way to Todd’s party, Jeffrey realizes the only reason he “won” Liz is because Todd took the decision out of her hands by hooking up with another girl. Aw, poor Jeffrey.

At the party, Jeffrey sees Courtney put a folded piece of paper in Liz’s jacket pocket and then sneaks away. Liz goes to the bathroom, and Jeffrey uses the opportunity to follow Courtney. He hears her tell Todd she has a headache and ask him to take her to the gazebo on the west lawn. Jeffrey follows them outside. Liz finds the note Courtney put in her jacket, which tells her to come out to the gazebo. It’s not in Todd’s handwriting, but it’s signed with his name, so Liz totally believes it’s from him. She gets out there just in time to see Courtney kissing Todd. She drops the note and runs off and leaves the party. Jeffrey is hiding in the shadows and he picks up the note. He puts all the pieces together, then bravely tells Todd that Courtney’s pulled a Jessica, even though he knows telling the truth will result in him losing Liz. Todd leaves the party and finds Liz at Secca Lake. They renew their love with a makeout session.

Goodbye, Jeffrey. It’s been nice knowing you. You’ll be missed and will always be remembered as being cooler than Todd.

Quotes:

Jessica walked away from Aaron and Ken, flashing them both a big smile. They were both very attractive – she had dated each of them a number of times. In fact, not too long ago she had contemplated falling in love with Ken for lack of anything better to do.

This quote cracks me up, especially the part about her having dated them both a “number of times.” Ha ha, Jessica’s such a whore.

“It’s probably going to be the biggest, splashiest event Sweet Valley’s seen in ages! At least since my last party,” Lila amended.

When was Lila’s last party, anyway? Anyone remember? She’s slipping.

The Cover: My husband picked this one up and said, “What a lovely picture of that twin and a twelve-year-old.” Enough said, I think.

The moral of the story:

Synopsis:

It’s still summer and the twins are still working at the Sweet Valley News. Lately, Lila and Jessica have become obsessed with a Ouija board Lila brought home from London. Liz makes fun of them and Lila gets all pissed off and wants to get back at her. Everyone’s all excited about some Endless Summer concert (I can’t tell if Endless Summer is a band or a theme or what), and Lila knows the concert is going to be postponed a week. She and Jessica make Liz use the Ouija board with them and move the planchette to say the concert will be delayed. Liz thinks that’s ridiculous because she and Seth are doing a story about it for the paper and she thinks she’d know if there was going to be a delay. A few minutes later, Seth calls to tell her it’s being postponed and Liz is shocked. The whole next chapter is Liz being puzzled and disturbed about the Ouija board. The next part of Lila’s plan is to make the Ouija board tell Liz that Bruce Patman is dying so Liz will start being nice to him. I’m not really sure what Jessica gets out of this, but Lila’s secret motivation is Jeffrey. She wants Liz to hook up with Bruce so that Jeffrey will be free for her. I think Lila needs to just get over Jeffrey.

At work the next day, Liz can think of nothing else but the weird Ouija board stuff. Then a call comes in about a man named Donald Redman who has escaped from a nearby psychiatric hospital. Liz and Seth Miller are assigned to find out about Redman’s background, and Liz discovers he was a student at Sweet Valley High. He was a disturbed kid who wound up getting expelled after he kidnapped a girl he had a crush on. He’d asked the girl out numerous times but she kept turning him down. After a while, his crush on her became a joke and a lot of his classmates made fun of him. Liz goes to her baby-sitting job that night and tells the mother, Elsa Bartel, about the escaped psycho. Elsa gets all freaked out and decides to stay home. Who wants to bet that Elsa is the girl Redman kidnapped back in the day?

When Liz gets home, Lila and Jessica put their plan in motion. Everything goes swimmingly and after just a few minutes with the Ouija board, Liz is practically in tears about Bruce. Jessica suggests they all go to the Beach Disco and Liz agrees even though she feels slightly guilty for going without Jeffrey. When they get there, Liz immediately finds Bruce and is totally nice to him while he leers at her inappropriately. Liz feels sorry for him and thinks his arrogance is all a front. They hang out together the next day at the beach and Jessica sees Bruce put his arm around Liz. Jessica wants to tell Liz it’s all a joke, but Lila tells her that would mean she’d have to tell Liz she read her journal and letters from Jeffrey to come up with things for the Ouija board to predict. Jessica doesn’t want to do that, so she continues to go along with Lila’s plan. She does tell Bruce that Liz is only being nice to him because she thinks he’s dying, but he doesn’t seem to care.

On Monday at work, Jessica skips out to go see a movie with Lila. While she’s gone, Liz answers a phone call. It’s Redman and he says there’s a bomb at the Valley Cinema. Liz and Seth call the police and then go to the theater, which has been evacuated. Jessica and Lila are standing around outside with Bruce and Neil Freemount when Liz tells them about the phone call. Everyone is mostly just mad that their movie was cut short. That night, Liz is baby-sitting at Elsa Bartel’s house again and she keeps getting hang-up phone calls. Then a man comes to the door and says he’s an old friend of Elsa’s. He asks Liz what her name is and she gets freaked out and just says she’ll tell Elsa he was there before closing the door on him. Then Bruce calls and wants to come over. Liz tells him he can’t, but he does anyway. He tells her how depressed he is and how hard it is to be terminally ill. Liz’s heart does a lot of lurching and swelling as she tries to control all her idiotic emotions. It’s clear to her that Bruce wants to kiss her, but she keeps him at a distance and finally tells him he should go home.

A couple days later, Liz gets another phantom phone call at home. Jessica knows it’s Lila and she’s sick to death of the whole thing, but she can’t say anything. Then Bruce comes over and acts all obnoxious. The doorbell rings and when Jessica answers it, she’s relieved to see Jeffrey, who has come home early from camp to surprise Liz. Jessica thinks that if he’s home, this crap with Bruce can stop. Jeffrey is not happy to find Liz and Bruce together in the kitchen, and even less happy when Bruce says he and Liz are going to a pre-school year rally at the high school football stadium. Bruce says Jeffrey can follow him and Liz to the rally, but Liz says she’ll ride with Jeffrey. Bruce leaves and Jeffrey is all, “What the hell?” Liz says she can’t tell him why she’s hanging out with Bruce but promises there’s nothing going on between them. This shit with Bruce is so not Super Thrilling.

Bruce sits with them at the rally and he and Jeffrey get all competitive and annoying. They start arguing over who’s going to get Liz a root beer, and she tells them she’ll just go get it herself. She’s walking through the school corridors when she sees Principal Chrome Dome come out of his office and go running off to the football field. She starts following him and then someone runs past her going back into the school. She recognizes him as the man who came to Elsa’s house the other night. On the field, Chrome Dome announces that the stadium needs to be evacuated. Everyone starts screaming about bombs and the whole mob starts trying to get out of the stadium. The bomb is another fake.

The next day, Liz finally realizes that Elsa’s “friend from college” looks exactly like Redman. She’s about to call the police, but then decides to call Elsa instead to make sure. Elsa tells her there’s nothing to worry about and that the guy really is just an old friend. When she hangs up with Liz, she’s all upset about lying to her. Turns out Redman is her brother (okay, so I lost that bet). He’s tracked her down for some reason, and is now confusing Liz with Melanie, the girl he kidnapped in high school. Elsa just doesn’t know what to do. Uh, how about you call the police?

Liz is getting ready for a date with Jeffrey when Bruce calls and tells her he’s all depressed because he just lost a tennis match and doesn’t know how long he can keep going. He asks Liz to meet him at the tennis courts at school and she runs out of the house, telling Jessica and Lila not to tell Jeffrey where she’s going but she’ll be back as soon as she can. After Liz is gone, Lila pretends she left something in her car and goes outside to wait for Jeffrey. When he shows up, she tells him that Liz is meeting Bruce. Jeffrey drives off toward the tennis courts.

Donald Redman is building a bomb in the utility closet at the Sweet Valley High stadium, which is conveniently located right next to the tennis courts. As he’s working, he hears a boy and girl talking. He goes to investigate and recognizes Liz, but he still thinks she’s Melanie. Meanwhile, Jessica and Lila are playing around with the Ouija board. It tells them Liz is in danger at the stadium. Lila and Jessica accuse each other of moving the planchette, but finally figure out it was probably Jessica’s subconscious because she and Liz have that freaky twin ESP. They think Redman must be at the stadium, but don’t call the police because they’d sound crazy.

Jessica and Lila decide to go to the stadium – and what? Use their charm and beauty to stop the bomb from going off? They’re getting into Lila’s car when Elsa Bartel comes running up to them. She tells them Redman is her brother and that Liz is in danger. She’s come over to warn Liz. Jessica takes her inside so she can call the police, and the three of them go to meet the cops at the stadium.

At the stadium, Liz and Bruce are in a deep and meaningful embrace when Jeffrey shows up and demands to know what the hell is going on. Liz – get this – is furious at Jeffrey because he “shattered a special, deeply personal moment between her and Bruce.” She can’t believe he would think anything is going on. After all, she asked him to trust her. What a bitch. She tells Jeffrey the whole thing is perfectly innocent, but Jeffrey says he ran into Bruce at the mall earlier and Bruce was bragging that he had a date with Liz that night. Liz realizes she’s been duped and runs away from both of them. She wants to be alone, so she goes to the utility closet to hang out for a while. Redman closes the door behind her. She screams and then hears Jeffrey and Bruce coming to find her. Redman twists her arm to make her scream again, and the boys enter the room. He has them all trapped. His bomb is set to go off, the remote control in his hand.

Suddenly, the police and Elsa are yelling for Redman to give himself up. He says he won’t because he has to get back at “Melanie” for being so mean to him. Then Jeffrey tackles him and the remote control goes flying and ends up underneath a cabinet. Bruce picks up the bomb and runs away with it. Redman says he already pushed the button and then goes running after Bruce. Jeffrey moves the cabinet and Liz reaches under it to get the remote. The timer is counting down and Jeffrey tells her to smash the thing and rip out the wires. She does and the timer stops. Then they hear an explosion from outside. Jeffrey and Liz go out into the hallway and see Bruce coming toward them. Damn, he’s still alive. The cops come in and Bruce tells them Redman took the bomb from him and ran. He died in the explosion. Outside, Jessica hugs Liz, apologizes for tricking her and promises she’ll never use a Ouija board again.

I want to give the twins this lunchbox:

Quotes:

She had once sabotaged everyone’s slam books, saying that Jeffrey was in love with Enid and that Elizabeth was in love with Roger Barrett Patman, Bruce’s cousin, who had been legally adopted by the Patmans.

Uh, no. The slam books said Jeffrey was in love with Olivia and that Liz was in love with A. J. I guess marginal characters like Olivia and A. J. don’t exist in a Super Thriller.

She felt as though she had to speak to him, to let him know he had her support in his time of crisis.

Oh, shut up, Liz.

The Cover: They sure to look goofy on this one. Liz seems unsure of how a phone works and Jessica is practicing her pinup girl face.

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: Party for Olivia’s literary magazine being finished

Synopsis:

Amy Sutton has decided Sweet Valley High needs slam books. They were all the rage at her school in Connecticut, and she thinks it’s high time Sweet Valley got with the program. She explains the concept to everyone at lunch, and everyone is all, “Yeah! I’m gonna go get my notebook right now!” But then Liz is all, “But guys, won’t someone get hurt?” and everyone boos her away from the table. Amy tells her not to worry because it’s all in good fun.

A. J. Morgan is the new guy at school and he’s the most gorgeous guy Jessica has ever seen. She’s actually flustered when she talks to him, blushing and everything. When everyone’s slam books list her as Biggest Flirt, she can’t believe it and doesn’t want A. J. to think of her that way. She decides she’s not going to be flirtatious anymore. She, Cara and Lila run into A. J. and Jessica gets all tongue-tied and doesn’t speak to him. Cara and Lila think it’s all part of her new “Not a Flirt” personality.

Olivia and Roger are having problems and they end up breaking up. Olivia and Jeffrey have been working together on a new literary magazine at school. Jeffrey’s going to do a photographic essay and take a bunch of pictures of a girl in transition from sadness to happiness. He wanted to use Liz as his model, but her face is too sunny and happy for the early shots. He thinks Olivia might work. Liz agrees with him. Then Jeffrey and Olivia start showing up in everyone’s slam books as Couple of the Future. Liz doesn’t mind until Jessica convinces her to be worried about it.

Jessica is actually really cute around A. J. She’s all uncoordinated and can’t stop blushing. At a basketball game, she screws up all the cheers and the pyramid because she can’t stop looking at A. J. Everyone is at the Dairi Burger after the game and Amy has her trusty slam book. She’s showing it to the guys and the newest entry under Couples of the Future is A. J. and Elizabeth. Jessica is horrified.

The next day, Jeffrey calls Liz and says he won’t be able to pick her up for the beach until two because he’s taking pictures of Olivia for the thing. Liz tries to keep calm, but then Cara comes over and tells her she saw Olivia with her arms around Jeffrey. Liz is pissed. She doesn’t want to be alone, so she goes to the beach with Cara and Jessica. Lila tells Liz to talk to Jeffrey and even offers to talk to him for her, but Liz isn’t having it. She just gives up and decides the relationship is over.

Liz sees A. J. playing volleyball down the beach and decides it would be fun to flirt with him to keep her mind off Jeffrey. Acting like she just woke up from a motorcycle accident-induced coma, Liz goes up to A. J. and gets to flirtin’. Everyone is looking at her like she’s nuts, except Jessica, who’s looking at her like she’s going to kill her. Jeffrey and Olivia get to the beach just as Liz is walking back to her towel. They apologize for taking so long, but Liz isn’t interested and says A. J. is about to teach her how to windsurf. She stalks off toward him and Jeffrey is upset. The girls tell him why Liz is so mad and he explains that Olivia had something in her eye and he was trying to help her and that must be what made Cara think they were making out. Lila says she’ll fix everything and even tells Jeffrey that if Liz doesn’t come crawling back in five minutes, she’ll take him out to an expensive restaurant. They all watch her try to talk to Liz, who just shakes her head and goes back to A. J. Lila is decidedly smirky when she tells Jeffrey they’ll have a strategy session over dinner that night.

Olivia goes to the Wakefields’ to talk to Liz about what happened, but only Jessica is home. Liz is out with A. J. Olivia tells Jessica she wants to find out who started pairing her with Jeffrey in the slam books. She thinks that person is the one responsible for the break up. Olivia and Jessica wrack their brains but can’t think of who would want to break them up. Uh, how about the person having dinner with Jeffrey right this very second?

A. J., who likes shy girls “like the ones back home in Atlanta,” has kind of gotten sick of Liz and her flirting. In fact, Jessica seems to be the only girl around who isn’t aggressively flirtatious. He tells her he wants to go out with her and she’s all happy about it, even though she knows she’s nothing like he thinks she is. What kind of jackass goes out with one twin and then just goes after the other?

Olivia and Jessica see Lila and Jeffrey together at school and figure out she’s probably the one who orchestrated this whole thing. But they want to be sure, so Jessica decides she’ll pretend to be Elizabeth the next day and collect everyone’s slam books and say she’s going to do a thing for “Eyes and Ears.” Because nothing’s better than a good old-fashioned and unnecessary twin switch. They find that Lila’s slam book is the only one that doesn’t have Olivia and Jeffrey listed as Couple of the Future. They bring their findings to Liz, who feels like a jerk and apologizes to Olivia for being so upset with her. Then she makes up with Jeffrey and everyone is friends again. The book drags on for a bit more while Mr. Collins throws a party to celebrate Olivia’s literary magazine being finished. A. J. and Jessica come to the party together and Jessica pretends to be interested in literature. Then Olivia and Liz make a new category in everyone’s slam books for Class Sneak. They write Lila’s name in every book as revenge for all the misery she caused over the last week. Sweet.

Quotes:

Elizabeth finished the juice with a slurp.

Seriously? Why do I need sentences like this in my life? Ugh.

“I can hardly sit down and say, ‘OK, Jeffrey, tell me why Cara happened to see you with your arms around Olivia today.’”

Why not?

The Cover: Wow, nice sweater, Jess! I don’t know who that ugly chick is writing in the notebook. I guess it could be Amy, but I thought Amy was way prettier than that.

And then, after all that, there’s this:

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: Get Rich Quick party at Winston’s

Synopsis:

Liz wants to go to Interlochen, a boarding school in Switzerland, for her senior year. Everyone else thinks she’s crazy for wanting to leave Sweet Valley. I’m just going to point out that Interlochen is in Michigan and leave it at that. Jeffrey is upset about the Switzerland thing and Liz thinks the best way to handle it is to show him her brochures and make him see how much it means to her to go. Even Liz’s parents don’t want her to go.

Winston has a lottery ticket, bought for him by his father, and he’s having a party during the drawing. Liz notices the first three numbers are 712, which makes her think of Jeffrey because his birthday is July 12. Winston and Maria go to a convenience store to get snacks for the party and they see a poor old man who can’t afford to buy his granddaughter a bag of cookies. Somehow Winston and the old man get their coats mixed up. At the party that night, Winston can’t find his lottery ticket, but finds one in the old man’s coat. It happens to be the winning ticket. Liz is confused because she thought his ticket started with 712. She asks Winston about it and he tells her his father had gotten him two tickets.

Winston doesn’t know what to do about the lottery ticket. He finds out where the old man lives and goes to his house, which is in “the poorest part of Sweet Valley,” to return the jacket and explain the lottery mixup to him. But Jack Oliver hasn’t been following the numbers and doesn’t even know he’s won. Winston rationalizes that the man doesn’t feel cheated or anything so he should just keep his mouth shut and the $25,000 is his. But he feels bad and buys Jack’s granddaughter a doll and has it sent to her anonymously.

Enid and Liz argue about Switzerland, then Liz and Jeffrey argue about it too. Everyone is being ridiculous and getting pissed at her for wanting to leave them all behind. Moreover, nobody can believe she’d want to leave a place as perfect and terrific as Sweet Valley. Then Enid and Jeffrey talk. They both feel bad about not being supportive of Liz and decide to show their support by putting together a scrapbook for her full of awesome Sweet Valley times. They use their lunch period to go to a craft store for some scrapbook glue. Jeffrey is supposed to have lunch with Liz, but he writes her a note telling her he and Enid are running an errand and sticks it in her locker. She doesn’t get the note because some sophomore boys snatch it and throw it away. Lila tells Liz she saw Jeffrey leave with Enid. Liz gets jealous.

Steve and Jessica decide to sabotage Liz’s chances of getting into Interlochen. Someone will be coming to the house and the high school to interview her friends and family, so they’re going to act like jackasses so the interviewer thinks Liz can’t possibly be as wholesome as she seems. When the guy, Mr. Sterne, comes to the house, there’s a motorcycle parked in the driveway, Steve hasn’t shaved and pretends he can’t function in college because it’s so far away from his family, their parents are late and Jessica is dressed like a whore. Elizabeth is livid. The next day, Jessica dresses exactly like Liz. She has enlisted the help of all her guy friends and she keeps running into Mr. Sterne, a different guy on her arm each time. Then, while Liz is meeting with Mr. Sterne, Steve keeps calling the school, pretending to be different guys, and asking for her. Mr. Sterne tells Liz her behavior is unacceptable. Liz is crushed. Then she looks out the window and sees Jessica dressed like her and understands. She is, once again, livid. She gives Steve and Jessica a piece of her mind, then goes for a jog. She decides to go past Jeffrey’s house and apologize for being so distant, but when she gets there she sees Enid’s car in the driveway. She assumes Jeffrey has forgotten all about her already.

Winston (remember Winston?) finally goes to the lottery people and explains the mistake, then goes to Jack Oliver’s house to tell him he’s the real winner. Jack thinks Winston is the finest young man he’s ever met. Lila’s mad that he gave back the money without having bought her a single present.

Liz is screaming at Jessica and Steven again when Mr. Sterne shows up unannounced. Jessica and Steven called him and explained what they did, and he thinks it speaks to Liz’s character that they love her so much they’d do anything to keep her from leaving. They offer her the scholarship. Then Jeffrey and Enid come by with their scrapbook and Liz realizes she’s been a real jerk. So she turns down the scholarship because Sweet Valley is “even more magical” than Switzerland.

Give me a break.

Quotes:

“They’ll never let her go. Trust me, Jess. Remember what happened when I wanted to leave school to join Bob Rose’s cruise ship?”

[the next page]

“Remember how concerned we were when Steven wanted to leave school to join his roommate on that cruise ship?”

Right, because going to a prestigious boarding school in Switzerland is the same as dropping out of college to work on a boat.

The Cover: Holy makeup, Liz! It’s a boarding school interview, not an audition at the strip club.

Does Sweet Valley even have a strip club?

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: The Snow Ball and a party to kick off the carnival

Synopsis:

Liz and Enid have entered a contest to appear on a new trivia show, but Jessica and Amy copy their entry form and win the contest. Liz is pissed. Meanwhile, everyone’s getting all excited about the Winter Carnival. It’s a “special weekend” for juniors, seniors and SVH alumni at a ski resort an hour and a half outside Sweet Valley. Enid is co-chairperson of the committee organizing the dance that highlights the whole weekend. She thinks it’s just hilarious when Winston wants to call the dance the Snow Ball. That’s nothing. I once wound up at an event for optometrists called the Eye Ball. True story.

The cheerleading squad gets nominated for All-State while Liz gets only an Honorable Mention in some writing contest. Liz starts feeling jealous of Jessica. Then Jessica takes credit for a dinner Liz cooked and Liz gets even more upset, but of course she doesn’t speak up or anything. And then Liz has to cancel a date with Jeffrey because Jessica won’t be home to make the salad for dinner. A salad, you guys. And you know why Jessica won’t be home? She and Amy are studying for the trivia show and they go to the library to find out what the longest river in Africa is. How sad is that? When Jessica comes home and joins the rest of the family at dinner, she’s wearing one of Liz’s sweaters. And when Liz, for the first time ever, gets mad and calls Jessica out, her parents basically tell her to shut up because dinner conversation should be pleasant. Damn, we’re really piling it on thick here. Poor Liz. She confronts Jessica after dinner that night and Jessica promises to be more respectful. But then Jessica messes up a phone message for Liz that results in Mr. Collins’ son Teddy not getting the ride home Liz was supposed to give him. Liz is furious and lets Jessica know it. Jessica decides she can’t possibly be the only thing upsetting Liz so much; there must be something else bothering her.

Todd is coming to town to go to the carnival and also to attend some award banquet. He’s invited Liz to join him and she’s looking forward to it even though it means she won’t be able to make it to the carnival’s opening party with Jeffrey. But of course she doesn’t tell Jeffrey because she’s hoping the dinner will be moved to another night (interesting logic there). Todd calls and leaves a message with Jessica to tell Liz that dinner is definitely on Friday. Determined to get the message right, Jessica gives Liz the message but she does it right in front of Jeffrey. He gets all pissed off that Liz was sneaky, which I totally understand. Then Liz gets all pissed that he’s pissed and I hate everyone in Sweet Valley. They try to work it out, but Jeffrey wants Liz to break her date with Todd and Liz refuses.

Liz gets a note from Jeffrey in her locker. He’ll be at Las Palmas Canyon until six o’clock and would like Liz to meet him there. If she doesn’t show, he’ll “assume the worst.” Jessica and Amy are going to the television station for the trivia contest, but Jessica promises to have the car back by four-thirty. So Liz’s whole relationship relies on Jessica keeping a promise. I can see where this is heading. Jessica and Amy win the contest (how the fuck did they manage that?) and go out for pizza. Predictably, Jessica loses track of time. Liz is livid. But can we also be mad at Jeffrey? I mean, he didn’t ask her if she was free or anything, just kind of said, “I’ll be in this place at this time and if you don’t show up our relationship is over.”

Jessica wants to fix things, so when Todd gets into town she finds him and tells him what a big deal the carnival party is and implies he should let Liz off the hook with the award banquet so she can go. So Todd tells Liz she doesn’t have to go to the banquet and she gets all depressed that he doesn’t want to hang out with her. Jeez, there is just no pleasing this chick. Jessica sees that her plan isn’t working so she forges a note from Liz telling Jeffrey to meet her at the lodge that night at six-thirty, but she doesn’t have a chance to tell Liz because she and Amy miss the bus to Mont Blanc. They have to drive and Jessica gets there just in time to meet Jeffrey and pretend to be Liz. Someone sees them together and tells the real Liz, who assumes Jessica is moving in on her man. She gets all crazed and packs her stuff back up and goes home.

Jessica calls the house to explain and Liz hangs up on her. She’s totally pissed off, and just when she’s starting to get over her fierce twin worship, the police call to tell her Jessica has been in a car accident and is in the emergency room. Todd miraculously shows up and gives her a ride to the hospital. Jessica is dead. The next two weeks are horrible. Enid decides to have a small get-together at her house for Jessica’s closest friends. Jeffrey shows up and gets mad that Todd is there. They go outside to fight. And then Liz hears someone calling her name. It sounds like Jessica…

Liz wakes up. It was just a dream! Cara, Jeffrey, Jessica and Steven have made it safely back to Sweet Valley. Everyone who was fighting makes up and they all go back to the lodge the next day. Jeffrey even offers Todd a ride. They all have a wonderful time. Hooray!

I think a more appropriate title would have been “Before the Winter Carnival.” Nobody even shows up there until page 150.

Quotes:

If only Jessica had thought to ask her before–

Elizabeth squelched the disloyal thought before she could finish it. Jessica was Jessica, and that was all there was to it. Though she was only four minutes older than her identical twin, Elizabeth had always felt strangely protective of her. And she was annoyed with herself now for criticizing her sister’s behavior, even to herself.

Guys, this is page two. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through this book.

“My mom got me a beautiful dress. It’s strapless and glittery. Very ice-age,” Cara said with a giggle.

Ice-age? I don’t think that means what you think it means.

“You took my heart, girl, which was ice,” Dana sang, closing her eyes. “One look from you and I’m on fire, so let’s just listen to our hearts, girl. Lift our hearts up even higher…”

Is Dana a lesbian? Did I miss that somewhere? And man, what awful lyrics.

The Cover: “Hi, we’re the Wakefield twins! We’d like to welcome you to beautiful Mont Blanc, where there’s plenty of skiing and skating for everyone. If you visit Mont Blanc you’ll be as happy and beautiful as we are, so come on down!”

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: Surprisingly, there was no party or dance in this book.

Best Outfit: This book is full of awesomely bad Jessica outfits, but my favorite is a slim-cut skirt worn with a white sweater with sequins on it. And a white beret. Amazing. I think it’s the sequins that put this one over the top.

Synopsis:

Jessica is tired of being mistaken for Liz all the time. The first two chapters contain pretty much nothing besides instances of people confusing them and Jessica complaining about it. She decides she needs a makeover. Lila helps her dye her hair and apply her makeup differently and the New Jessica is born. She looks sophisticated with her straight black hair and “striking” makeup. She combines her “slightly Eastern” look with a British accent and props like magazines from France and acts really condescending to everyone at school. This makes everyone love her even more than usual.

Liz is not happy with Jessica’s new look. It makes her sad that Jessica doesn’t want to be a twin anymore. Then Liz’s new boyfriend Jeffrey mentions that Jess doesn’t look too bad and Liz immediately gets weird and thinks he wants Jessica. She pours all her feelings into her journal and then somehow manages to leave it lying around in the newspaper office. When she goes back to find it, it’s gone. Then she and Jeffrey have a fight because Liz is an idiot. Like, seriously, nothing happens, she just kind of freaks out and gets it into her head that Jeffrey doesn’t like her anymore and then makes sure that’s exactly what happens. Liz tells Jessica she thinks Jeffrey is interested in her and Jessica decides to go for it. That’s right, she decides to go for her own twin’s boyfriend when they haven’t even really broken up. Jessica tries to flirt with Jeffrey the next day at lunch, but he makes it clear he’s not interested in anyone but Liz. Jessica does not tell Liz this because she’s so embarrassed to have come so close to making a fool of herself in front of Jeffrey.

Jessica goes to a photographer to have some pictures taken because she’s decided to be a model. The photographer tells her about a contest, and while she’s “too short” for normal modeling, she’d be perfect to model these junior clothes because she looks “slightly European.” I love that she’s too short for modeling. I mean, the twins are five foot six, they’re not exactly midgets. Whatever. Jessica decides that when she’s a famous model, she’ll change her name to Jessa Fields. When she goes back to the modeling agency or photographer or whatever, they reject her for the modeling job. But then they see Liz in the waiting room and offer her six hundred dollars to do the show because her look is perfect. Ah, sweet irony. So Jessica’s plan is to wash the dye out of her hair and dress like a regular person again and convince these people that she’s really Elizabeth. I don’t think that last part is necessary, but you know we all love a good twin switch. Penny Ayala has found Liz’s journal and she drops it off with Jessica, who of course can’t resist reading some of it. She comes across a passage about how sad Liz has been since Jessica’s makeover. This strengthens Jessica’s resolve to go back to her normal look.

Jessica, as Elizabeth, gets the modeling job but when the guy in charge sees Liz in the audience he gets the twins to do the show together. Jessica finally tells Liz that Jeffrey loves her and they get back together.

Quotes:

“Jessica, dear, don’t you realize that you and Elizabeth are identical twins? Why shouldn’t people get you confused every once in a while?”

Thank you, Lila. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

“I can’t believe Jessica would do a thing like this to me,” she wrote furiously in her journal. “We’ve always looked exactly alike, and now she doesn’t even look like my sister! I can’t help thinking that she’s done this because she doesn’t want to be close to me anymore. And I just can’t understand it.”

Liz, come on. Lots of teenagers dye their hair black. Sometimes it’s just the right thing to do. Get over it.

The Cover: I know, Liz. I think she’s really flipped this time.