Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: Who cares? I’m done! Last book of the series!

The Big Deal: Graduation! Birthday party! Woohoo!

Synopsis:

Monday: Maria is freaking out about her valedictorian speech. She hasn’t even started it yet. She wants to be there for Ken, who is clearly upset about the upcoming anniversary of Olivia’s death, but she can’t focus on him while she still has this speech to write.

Liz tells her parents she got into Oxford, and Alice tells Jessica. Jessica freaks out and tells Liz she doesn’t want anything to do with her on their birthday, which is Thursday. Jessica calls Jeremy and gets pissed when he says his parents planned a graduation party for him on Thursday night. Jessica somehow turns this around to mean that Jeremy doesn’t care about her anymore. Oh, boy.

Tuesday: Liz decides to make things better with Jessica by planning a surprise party for their birthday. Again? Didn’t we try this last year? I recall it ending in tragedy. Liz talks to Conner and Tia and they decide to have it at the Riot. Maria sits around feeling sorry for herself all day because she needs help with her speech, and she’s annoyed when Liz says she needs to work on the party plans and can’t help her. Jessica decides she’s going to throw a party and not invite Liz, but Tia tells her Liz is already throwing one and the entire senior class is going. Jessica is pissed that Liz is having a party and not inviting her. Oh, Jessica.

Tia, Andy and Conner are all excited about their post-graduation road trip. It’s supposed to be just the three of them, but Tia has told Trent he can come along. She tells Andy, and he says that in that case, Dave is coming, too. Before Andy can tell Conner, Conner says he appreciates Tia and Andy leaving Trent and Dave behind for three weeks so the three of them can have their special best friend alone time.

Jessica’s home ec teacher tells Liz that Jessica never made up her risotto assignment, and she won’t be able to graduate unless she makes it up the next day. Liz knows Jessica has plans with Jeremy the next afternoon, so she decides to pull a twin switch and do it herself.

Wednesday: Liz has a meeting with a rep from Oxford. She kind of hopes the meeting will suck so she’ll have an excuse not to go, but the rep tells her all the wonderful things about Oxford and makes Liz want to go there more than ever.

Conner overhears Tia talking about how excited Trent is about the road trip, and he loses his shit. He tells Tia and Andy to uninvite their boyfriends, but they don’t want to. So Conner says they can all go together and he’ll just stay home.

Liz is the salutatorian, so she and Maria meet in the library to work on their speeches together. Liz says she hasn’t even started hers yet, and Maria flies off the handle because Liz isn’t taking it seriously enough. Then Liz gets really stupid and says she should have been valedictorian. So now Liz and Maria are in a fight. Liz heads to the home ec room to make a risotto.

Jessica goes to dinner with Jeremy and his family, who are all in town for graduation. As the family catches up on stuff, Jessica keeps thinking of how awful it’s going to be next year when she’s separated from both Liz and Jeremy. She gets up and leaves the table, and Jeremy follows her. He asks her what’s wrong, and she decides she’s pissed at him for not inviting her to his graduation party the next night. He says he figured she’d want to do something else since it’s her birthday, but Jessica is beyond reasoning. She runs to the parking lot in tears.

Evan gets off Berkeley’s waiting list. Thanks, Tia.

Thursday: Jessica wakes up in a terrible mood. Liz tries to make up over breakfast, and she tells Jessica she saved her from having to make a risotto. Jessica accuses Liz of thinking she’s so flaky that she can’t even do her own schoolwork. An argument ensues and Jessica takes the Jeep and goes to school.

Today is for graduation practice, but neither Liz nor Maria have their speeches prepared. Liz tells Maria not to worry about it, and subtly points out Conner, who is backstage cutting the wires to the microphone. Principal Chrome Dome suddenly can’t be heard, and Maria is worried Conner will be caught. Liz tells her not to worry, and at that moment, Jade stands up in the middle of the seated seniors and yells that Evan can’t stop her if she wants to go commando under her graduation robe. She starts a “Naked!” chant, and in all the confusion, Conner manages to get back to his seat before anyone notices he’s gone. Maria and Liz apologize to each other for their fight, and then Maria takes off for the library to work on her speech.

The twins run into each other in the line for yearbooks, and Liz apologizes. It seems like Jessica is just about to lighten up and talk to her, but then the home ec teacher comes running down the hall. She says the risotto was horrible and Jessica will have to try again that afternoon. Jessica is pissed and hates Liz all over again.

Tia, Trent, Andy and Dave go to the Riot to start setting things up, and Trent and Dave say they’ve been looking over the itinerary and have some changes they’d like to make. Tia and Andy get irritated and decide they’ll just have to tell their boyfriends they can’t come. They don’t have to, though. After listening to Tia, Andy and Conner tell stories about each other for a while, they announce the three of them should go alone.

In really sickening news, Jade’s mother has written a book and a publisher has offered her a lot of money to turn it into a series. That’s not the sickening part. The sickening part is this: “It’s about a pair of twins who have very different personalities…But they’re still closer to each other than to anyone else in the world…” Barf.

While she’s cooking, Jessica says something about the dress she wore yesterday, and Ms. Goldberg realizes it was Elizabeth who made the awful risotto. Jessica explains that she and Liz have been fighting, and Ms. Goldberg actually makes her feel better about things. Jessica goes to Jeremy’s graduation that night, and they make up afterward. Then she goes home and gets ready to go to the Riot and make up with Liz. She falls asleep instead.

Liz is at the party, feeling miserable about Oxford. She decides she’ll miss Jessica too much if she goes. She goes home to tell her so. The twins make up and talk about how much fun they’ll have at Sweet Valley University next year.

Friday: Graduation day. At the ceremony, the twins sit next to Todd because of stupid alphabetical order, and Todd asks Liz to go out with him after graduation. She accepts. Dammit, we just got rid of one codependency, and now you’re going back to an old one? UGH.

Liz never actually got around to working on a speech and all she has is a bunch of note cards. She’s nervous about making a fool of herself, so Jessica takes her notes and pulls another twin switch. Two in one book! Jessica, as Elizabeth, gives an awesome speech and everyone applauds.

THE FREAKING END!!!!!

Quotes:

A few of our old friends make cameo appearances in this book, even Robin Wilson, who came all the way back from Denver. It’s like graduation day on Boy Meets World. I wonder if they’ve been hanging out with Minkus in the other hallway?

When Enid turned into the classroom, her shirt slipped down, exposing a little skull tattoo on her back. Elizabeth shot Maria a look. She didn’t know if Enid’s tattoo was real, but if there was a yearbook award for most changed, Enid would definitely win. She’d gone from geeky to goth in less than a year.

Winston Egbert handed Elizabeth her test paper and flashed her a quick thumbs-up for luck.

Robin Wilson grimaced and held her gown up to her slim body. Her soft brown hair tumbled down over her face as she looked down at the shiny fabric. “Please, Liz. I mean, you spend all this time and effort dropping weight, and then they make you wear a muumuu to graduation.”

Bruce Patman, of all people, walked in – someone she hadn’t seen since he left for college and hadn’t liked much before then. He was all prepped out in a light blue button-down and khakis, and the second he saw Ken Matthews and Aaron Dallas, he dove into the crowd and started shaking hands like a politician.

And there is actually some mention of the more bizarre happenings from junior year:

Almost every single good memory Jessica cherished had occurred inside the sprawling building. And some bad ones, of course – kidnappings, bomb threats, gang wars, that crazy Margot [sic] chick who had come to town and tried to pretend she was Elizabeth. Junior year had definitely been tumultuous.

Definitely.

[Elizabeth] turned her full attention to Maria, whose expression made her look almost exactly the same as she had when she’d broken the news to Elizabeth and Jessica that their dog, Prince Albert, had run away during the earthquake last year – very uncomfortable.

So that’s what happened to the dog. I wonder why Maria had to be the one to break the news.

“We’ve lost many friends – Olivia Davidson, Roger Patman, Ronnie Edwards, Regina Morrow, to name a few.”

I don’t remember Roger Patman dying.

The Cover: Sorry about the terrible image. This book is all shiny and metallic and didn’t scan well. I went to The Closet, but theirs is the same.

This cover is totally lame. I have no idea which twin is which. I’d guess the one on the right is Jessica, but after 180+ books in the original series telling me Liz always wears her hair in a ponytail, I don’t quite believe it. Also, I think the one on the right looks kind of stoned.

The Moral of the Story: If your parents buy you a car, you’ll suddenly turn into a moron.

Synopsis:

More College Crap: Trent has gotten into UCLA and Jeremy is getting antsy because he hasn’t yet heard back from Arizona. Jade has been accepted to three colleges, two in California and one in Oregon that her father persuaded her to apply to.

Twin Crap: Jessica is still mad at Liz because of the stupid anniversary party, and Liz can’t seem to figure out what Jessica’s problem is. Then Jeremy is so upset about the whole college thing that he tells Jessica he doesn’t feel like going out on Friday. Jessica locks herself in her room and cries all night. Liz cancels her date with Jeffrey to stay home and cheer her up, but Jessica isn’t interested. Jeff comes over with ice cream and Liz tries to get Jessica to watch a movie with them, but she doesn’t come out of her room until she hears Liz and Jeff having a water fight in the kitchen while doing the dishes. A chair gets ruined and Mrs. Wakefield asks Jessica what happened. Liz is pissed when Jessica doesn’t even hesitate before telling their mom about the water fight.

Jeremy finally gets an acceptance letter from Arizona, and he calls Jessica and tells her that’s where he wants to go. I guess they’d made plans to go to SVU together, but Jeremy has reconsidered. Jessica is, like, traumatized.

Scope is sponsoring an essay contest. The grand prize is a year at the school of journalism in England. Liz tries to work on her essay at home, but Jessica is always on the computer or just sulking around, so she goes to Jeffrey’s to do it. When Jessica finds out Jeremy is going to Arizona, she calls Liz at Jeffrey’s and asks her to come home. Liz goes and comforts her sister and they make up, but Liz doesn’t mention the fact that she might be spending the next year in England. She figures that would really send Jessica over the edge.

Crap about Trent: Trent’s parents have agreed to buy him a car to get to and from college, but he’s disappointed when he finds out he won’t be getting a brand new Mercedes. His parents have picked out a boring used Saab for him, but Trent manages to talk them into a model with a few more options. Blah blah blah. So Trent takes Tia out in his new car, and she gets all bent out of shape when he tells her she can’t eat in the car. She also nags him about driving too fast and gets annoyed by him calling the car a “her.” Shut up, Tia.

Trent makes Jeremy go for a ride with him even though they should both be studying for a physics test, and they end up not getting home with enough time to study. Trent acts surprised when he does badly on the test, but he doesn’t really care because he’s already been accepted to his college of choice. He doesn’t actually believe Jeremy when he says colleges can revoke acceptances based on bad grades during the last part of senior year.

Trent wants Jeremy and Tia to go with him to LA to check out some super cool club on Saturday night. Jeremy and Tia think he’s nuts. Trent’s dad is pissed about the physics test and puts Trent on curfew. Then Trent’s parents plan to go out of town for the weekend and Trent tries one more time to convince Jeremy and Tia to go to LA with him. They tell him he’s crazy. Trent decides to go alone and have such a good time that Jeremy and Tia feel like idiots for not coming with him. So he puts on his khaki pants and V-necked sweater and drives to LA. When he gets to the club, he notices everyone else in line has tattoos and piercings, and there’s an awful lot of leather. The bouncer never lets Trent in, so he eventually goes back to his car to drive home.

At two in the morning, Jeremy gets a phone call from the Santa Ana Medical Center. Trent’s been in an accident. Jeremy calls Tia, and her father drives them to the hospital, where Trent apologizes for acting like such a jerk.

Crap about Jade: Mr. Wu says he wants to pay Jade’s college tuition, but he’ll only pay it if she goes to the University of Oregon. Jade’s mom keeps telling Jade to go to whatever college is going to make her happy and they’ll figure out the money thing somehow, but Jade thinks it might just be easier to go to Oregon even though she doesn’t really want to. After a lot of useless pages about nothing, Jade decides to follow her heart and go to USC, not Oregon.

The Cover: This cover looks like it belongs on some kids’ book about basketball.

The Moral of the Story: If you have to keep telling yourself you’re over it, you’re probably not actually over it.

The Big Deal: Swim meet, athletic awards ceremony

Synopsis:

Ken Matthews goes to take a shower one morning and finds the bathroom door locked and the shower running. This is odd because he and his father live alone and Mr. Matthews is usually out of the bathroom by this time. Ken knocks on the door and a woman in a bathrobe opens it. She introduces herself as Asha and says she’s heard a lot about him.  And bad parenting rears its ugly head once more. Ken isn’t sure how he feels about his dad having a girlfriend.

Liz and Conner have a really pointless fight about Jessica ditching Evan at the Riot the other night. I don’t know, Conner’s pissed because he thinks Jessica’s being snobby or something. It’s really stupid. Everyone teases Jessica at lunch and accuses her of not liking Evan because he dresses grungy. Whatever, who cares? Jessica is sick of people acting like she’s so shallow, so to get everyone to back off, she announces that she’s going to ask Evan out. She finds him after school and is dismayed to see him looking especially grungy, but she asks him to go out with her the next night. He says yes and Jessica is surprised to realize she’s actually excited about the date.

Andy is still freaking out about Six kissing him and he tries to avoid her. Tia says he needs to tell Six he’s not interested, so Andy marches off to do just that. When he finds her, she puts his arms around her and Andy starts to think maybe this having-a-girlfriend thing might not be so bad.

Ken gets a call from Dan Murphy at the Tribune, which is where his father and Asha work. Mr. Murphy wants to know if Ken will be able to receive his award at the athletic awards ceremony the Tribune hosts. He’s won the spirit award for rejoining the team to cheer from the bench after being MVP last year. Ken is upset that his father didn’t tell him about the award and he’s sure this lack of communication is somehow Asha’s fault. A few days later, Ken finds a card in his backpack from Asha, congratulating him on the award. Seems like a pretty sweet thing to do, but Ken is pissed that she invaded his space and is breaking up his little family. Whine, whine, whine. He tries to talk to his dad about it, but Mr. Matthews is unresponsive and tells Ken to mind his own business.

Evan takes Jessica to some weird health food restaurant because he wants to “challenge” her. He really likes putting her in uncomfortable situations to see how she’ll react. When she turns out not to be just a dumb blonde, he’s totally surprised. What a guy. Jackass.

Conner’s acting like he’s pissed about Liz’s job. He clenches his jaw moodily and tenses up whenever Liz mentions going to work. He feels like she’s spreading herself too thin and missing out on what’s “really important.” Meaning him, I guess. Evan asks Conner and Liz if they want to come to his swim meet, and Conner gets all agitated when Liz says she’d like to go. Andy starts talking to Conner about his date with Six and looking for advice about dating, and Conner tells him to run. What is this guy’s deal?

Jessica, Tia and a few other cheerleaders go to Evan’s meet and cheer him on as he wins two races. The whole time, Jessica thinks about how different this is from football and pats herself on the back for being so totally over Will. Jessica goes to work that night and Jeremy tells her he’s getting one of the Tribune’s athletic awards. He asks Jessica to go to the banquet with him. She tells him she’s kind of seeing someone, but he says he still wants her to go as a friend, no pressure. Jessica mentally berates herself for breaking up with such a nice guy to go out with Will. She says she’ll go with him, and tells Evan the next morning. He doesn’t take it very well. He says he wants to “cool it” with Jessica until she can stop being a flake. He and Conner go out and play pool that night to try to forget about the Wakefields.

Jessica goes to the banquet the next night and almost chokes when she sees Evan walk in with some really hot chick on his arm. Jeremy notices her staring at Evan when he accepts an award for swimming, and he says she should go talk to him. Dammit, Jessica, why can’t you just love Jeremy? He’s such a nice guy! Evan asks Jessica about the ex she arrived with. Will is there, too, so Jessica is having a very “this is your life” moment. She starts crying when Evan asks her who she really wants to be with. Meanwhile, Ken is pissed when his father never shows up, and even more pissed when his dad’s boss says he overheard Mr. Matthews making a dinner reservation for that night.

After the banquet, Jessica and Liz go to the Riot. Conner and Liz make up, so that’s all good. For now. Andy makes Six angry when he dances with Tia and leaves Six alone with Conner. She tells Andy she wanted to spend some time alone with him, and he promises to take her on a real date the next day. He isn’t totally sure he really likes Six that way, but I guess he’s going to find out.

The Cover: Blah.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Big Deal: Olivia’s funeral.

Synopsis:

The Wakefields are staying at Fowler Crest while their house is being rebuilt. Sweet Valley is all fucked up. The Dairi Burger, the Beach Disco, Miller’s Point, the movie theater – pretty much everything besides the school is ruined. White Maria sets up a refugee center because the only people in town who can do things like that are sixteen-year-olds.

Liz can’t remember anything that happened during the earthquake, but she and Enid assume Devon is the one who saved their lives. I don’t know why. I thought it was an EMT guy. Either way, it wasn’t Devon and he feels like crap about it. Liz and Enid stop by his house one day to thank him, and he totally accepts their thanks. He feels kind of ashamed of himself, but Liz seems to love him again so he just keeps on lying. Unfortunately, Enid seems to love him now, too. She tells a reporter that Devon saved her life, and suddenly a gaggle of them are on his front lawn, asking him questions about his heroic act. Enid keeps throwing herself at Devon, which annoys both him and Liz.

Black Maria tells Liz she overheard her and Devon arguing the night of the earthquake, and she says Devon absolutely wasn’t the one who saved her. Liz is a stupid bitch and thinks Maria is lying to her. She gets pissed and leaves. They make up a few pages later and Maria hypnotizes Liz to help her remember. I don’t get what Liz’s deal is. It seems like she knows she was electrocuted by downed power lines, but she’s totally confused by the burn marks on her legs and doesn’t know where they came from. She turns the whole thing into a mystery she needs to solve.

Jessica is a total mess and can’t stop thinking about Alyssa, the girl whose life she failed to save. She has nightmares every night and feels totally guilty. One night, she sneaks out of Fowler Crest after a particularly bad dream and heads to the high school. She’s sitting on the bleachers in the stadium when Ken Matthews shows up and sits down next to her. They talk about their guilty feelings for a few minutes and it seems like they’re both starting to feel better, but when Jessica says she wishes she were dead, Ken freaks out. Like, out of nowhere starts yelling about how he’s way worse off than Jessica. Then he leaves. Whatever, dude. Jessica eventually talks to Alyssa’s brother, Bryan. He’s feeling the guilt, too. He and Jessica tell each other it was nobody’s fault, the fucking earthquake did it.

Ever since Lila and Todd almost kissed in the Wakefields’ bathroom, neither one of them can stop thinking about it. But for some reason, they keep bickering every time they see each other. It’s really kind of annoying.

Olivia’s funeral is held in the Davidsons’ back yard. While everyone is taking turns saying a few words about Olivia, Liz catches a glimpse of Dana’s snake-shaped arm cuff thing. Suddenly, she remembers the snake in the pool, and that memory is apparently the key to all the other memories. Now she remembers that Devon was too scared to help her, and she’s incredibly pissed off that he would pretend to be a hero.

Everyone says such nice things about Olivia, and Lila, who wants to turn over a new leaf, feels bad that she was too much of a snob to get to know her. After the service, she starts crying and then suddenly Todd is there hugging her. Lila’s fine with that, but then Todd kisses her. She is completely disgusted that he would kiss her at a funeral, so she tells him off and stomps away. She and Amy go shopping.

Liz catches up to Devon as he tries to sneak away from the funeral. She tells him she remembers him running away after the earthquake, but he denies it and insists he saved her. Liz still can’t remember who actually pulled her away from the fire, but she knows it wasn’t him. Other people are leaving the service and there’s now a crowd gathered around Liz and Devon. Ken overhears what they’re talking about and says he saw with his own eyes that some guy he didn’t recognize pulled Enid and Liz away, not Devon. Devon finally admits he lied. He leaves the funeral and thinks it’s about time to get out of Sweet Valley.

Liz and Todd talk that night. They haven’t been able to stop thinking about each other, but Todd is still too hurt to forgive and forget. They decide to take the summer away from each other and see where they stand afterward.

If Ronnie Edwards had a funeral, I didn’t hear about it and nobody attended. Aw, poor Ronnie.

Quotes:

With a big sigh, Lila gave up. She simply hadn’t had enough practice being kind and warm to make a difference in Jessica’s black mood. She wasn’t Elizabeth Wakefield, giving out advice at every opportunity.

And we are forever grateful.

Maybe this walk will help her snap out of it, Elizabeth hoped.

Jessica is feeling suicidal because a little girl died right in front of her, but a walk on the beach is sure to fix things. I think Liz is overestimating the powers of the ocean just a little.

“Enid didn’t know she was going to be on television,” she told Lila.

“There’s no excuse for a dress that bad,” Lila replied.

I love that Lila’s vow to stop being such a snob does not stop her from making fun of Enid’s ugly clothes.

[Ken is] a great friend, Elizabeth thought. No wonder I had that crush on him for a while.

I think you mean, No wonder I cheated on my boyfriend with him and then jealously tried to keep him away from my sister for a while.

The Cover: Where did all these pictures come from? I recognize the ones that are book covers, but what are the rest of them? Are they from the TV show?

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Screw finding a moral, I barely even know what this one is supposed to be about. This is even worse than the damned werewolf books.

The Big Deal: Brunch party at Lila’s, inter-school fair, dance and talent show

Synopsis:

The morning after the prom, Jessica drags Liz over to Lila’s brunch party so they can confront her about teaming up with Courtney and trying to steal Devon. The three of them start arguing on Lila’s front lawn about who should really get Devon, but then the man himself shows up and tells them all to fuck off. Then Olivia gets there and says she has some important news.

Apparently, it’s a tradition in Sweet Valley to have an inter-school fair the day after prom. It’s a big deal. There’s some kind of contest to get the juniors excited about their senior year, but the details are kept secret until the last minute. Olivia is SVH’s leader, and she tells everyone she just heard that the contest is going to be a talent show. They have two days to put together an awesome act.

Everyone heads on over to Palisades High for the fair. Except they don’t even do any fair-type stuff because they have to work on their talent show act. As soon as they get there, Jessica and Olivia have a run-in with Erica Dixon, the El Carro team’s captain. She’s a total bitch and steals SVH’s practice space for some reason. Jessica is pissed that Olivia is content to just let Erica push her around, so she vows to get even. Then she walks outside and sees Christian Gorman leaning against a tree. And he disappears. Great, just what this series needs: ghosts.

The number SVH puts together for the show is a dance routine to the song Opposites Attract, and it will feature a “good twin, evil twin” theme. Naturally. Olivia has Liz and Devon go to the Wakefields’ house to get stuff from the twins’ rooms that they can use as set dressing to show a contrast between the twins. Things are really awkward between Liz and Devon. Meanwhile, Olivia has the worst self-esteem in the world, and she gets all bent out of shape when Ken hears about the problem with Erica and says he thinks Erica is nice. Everyone eats lunch together and Jessica spills some grape juice on Erica’s shirt. Erica freaks out and threatens to kill everyone. Later, Ken tells Olivia she should apologize to her.

This plot is a freaking mess.

There’s a big dance that night for all the schools. Olivia won’t go because she’s so afraid of seeing Erica. She and Ken have a fight about it and she tells him to go without her and then gets depressed when he actually does it. Jessica has managed to get a date with a Palisades guy named Josh Brighton, and he shows up at the Wakefields’ house with Christian’s ghost, who actually turns out to be Christian’s brother, Jason. After Jessica faints and wakes up, she gets Liz to join them and go to the dance. When they get there, the only nice girl from El Carro’s team, Tia, tells them they’d better go check out their practice area. It’s been totally trashed. Everything has been spray painted with El Carro’s colors. Jessica gets Lila and Maria to agree to sneaking back late that night and trashing El Carro’s stuff. She’s waiting for them to come pick her up, and then suddenly Christian is sitting on her bed. He’s come to remind her that it was a school war just like this one that caused his death. When Lila and Maria show up, Jessica tells them the plan is off.

Deep breaths. Go to a zen place. It’s the only way we’re getting through this. Don’t worry, it’s almost over.

The next day, everyone trudges back to Palisades High to practice some more and to clean up the mess El Carro made. And suddenly, Jessica gets it into her head that she should use the auditorium’s rigging from their last production of Peter Pan to fly down onto the stage as a grand finale. Ken overhears some El Carro kids talking about cutting the ropes, and he finally gets that Erica is a bitch and Olivia was right all along.

That night, Sweet Valley is just about to go on when Jessica starts throwing up. I guess she’s sick and there’s no way she can go on. Everyone is about to call it quits and go home, but Jessica tells Olivia to take her place. Suddenly, Olivia knows how to dance. Erica doesn’t cut the ropes, but she does turn off the lights just as Olivia is climbing the scaffolding to get to the ropes. She falls and ends up hanging from the rafters, and Ken gets to rush in and be all heroic and save her.

A big fight breaks out on stage between El Carro and Sweet Valley. Palisades takes Sweet Valley’s side because I guess they’re allies now. Jessica is back in the projection room with Josh, and she’s sure someone is going to get hurt or killed. A well timed projection of a picture of Christian quiets everyone down. And they all lived happily ever after, except for Todd, who sees everyone hanging out at the Dairi Burger later and gives them all a “hurt look.”

Worst. Book. Ever.

Quotes:

I am not going to let Jessica Wakefield or anyone else destroy my self-confidence! [Olivia] vowed.

Not that they’d have far to go if you did.

He’s really nice – and hot! she thought. I’ll bet Josh could help keep my mind off Christian.

Right. When I start seeing my ex’s ghost, a new boyfriend is just the thing to help me get over it.

Elizabeth listened for her cue, then shimmied toward the center as her twin did the same from the other side. She and Jessica joined hands, then jumped apart, then faced forward and pumped their elbows back. Jessica executed a handspring, and Lila followed. Then Elizabeth and Maria performed perfect leaps.

This dance routine sucks ass.

The Cover: What the hell are you guys wearing?

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Um…vampires are real? That’s all I got.

The Big Deal: Just the end of Jonathan’s party

Synopsis:

So, yeah, Katrina’s pretty dead. The cops show up and question everyone. Enid stays after everyone else has gone and cleans the house, thinking that will make Jonathan love her again. She finally goes home, and then Jessica shows up. She and Jonathan make out and Jessica has some kind of vision of them flying or something. She wakes up the next morning having no idea how she got home. When she goes down to breakfast, she’s appalled when her parents ground the twins for going to Jonathan’s party. They’re with Jonathan for throwing the party in the first place since there’s a curfew in effect. They say the twins are to have nothing to do with him, but Jessica freaks out and convinces them to have Jonathan over for Sunday dinner.

Jonathan manages to charm the socks of the twins’ parents. Liz is disappointed; she was hoping they would hate him on sight. Speaking of Liz, she’s still stringing Joey along. Todd drove her home from Jonathan’s party and was about to tell her how much he missed her when he saw Joey’s car in the Wakefields’ driveway. Liz can hardly stand Joey, so I’m not sure why she’s even still hanging out with him. Who even cares?

Katrina Sutton’s funeral is the next day. Liz and Todd find themselves holding hands. Aww. After the service, Enid sits at Katrina’s grave and spills all her troubles to the dead girl. Then “someone” attacks her. These books are written in such a way that I’m pretty sure we’re not supposed to know Jonathan is the killer, but they totally fail at being tricky and suspenseful. Anyway, after Enid is attacked, Jonathan takes her to the hospital. I don’t really get what’s supposed to be wrong with her, but she’s in critical condition for the next week.

Enid’s attack, combined with the recent murders, has got the Sweet Valley gang in an uproar. They turn into vigilantes at lunch one day, shouting about how the murderer needs to be found and the police need to learn to do their jobs. They all start chanting, “Kill the killer! Kill the killer!” It’s a little weird.

Liz is at the hospital when Enid wakes up for a second, mumbles Jonathan’s name and then passes out again. For some reason, even though she knows Enid has been in love with Jonathan since he showed up, Liz thinks this means that Jonathan is the one that attacked her. The worst part is that she’s right, dammit. Liz can’t get anyone to believe her, but she does somehow get black Maria to go with her to search Jonathan’s house. She finds some books about vampires and takes them home. After reading them, she’s positive Jonathan is a vampire. She puts the book down when she hears something outside. She goes out the front door just in time to see Jonathan and Jessica riding away on Jonathan’s motorcycle. It’s way after midnight and Liz doesn’t know what to do. She calls Joey, who pretty much laughs at her and tells her to stop worrying. Liz doesn’t like that, so she calls Todd, who validates her fears and tells her to wake her parents. That’s what she does. Alice calls the police.

Jonathan takes Jessica to a cave on the beach. He starts to tell her his life story, but they’re interrupted when the police show up. They lecture Jessica and Jonathan for a while about how dangerous it is for them to be out so late, especially in this area, as the cave is quite possibly the killer’s lair. *facepalm* Ned and Alice ground Jessica indefinitely and tell her Jonathan Cain is off limits forever.

On Saturday night, Bruce has a meeting at his house to discuss what the kids are going to do about the murderer. Liz comes by to tell everyone she suspects Jonathan is a vampire. They believe her. Seriously. They work themselves into a frenzy and start chanting, “Kill the killer!” again. Liz gets a phone call from Enid’s mother, who tells her Enid finally woke up and said Jonathan was the one who saved her and brought her to the hospital. Now Liz is all confused. When she hangs up the phone, she finds everyone has left, including black Maria, her ride. She calls Joey and tells him she needs him to help her out. He’s pissed because she stood him up that night, so he tells her to fuck off. A round of applause for Joey, everyone. Todd didn’t leave with everyone else and is eavesdropping on Liz’s conversation. He’s more than happy to offer his assistance and Liz is more than happy to boss him around.

Todd and Liz find Jonathan’s cave. When they go inside, they find Jessica and Jonathan sitting around with weird, blank expressions on their faces. The angry mob is right behind them, and Todd tells Jonathan to get out while he can. Jonathan runs down the beach and disappears. A minute later, a big black bird swoops down over Jessica and then flies away before the angry mob of teenagers gets there, all disappointed that there’s no bad guy for them to kill.

Just so we’re clear, this isn’t like the crazy guy who thought he was a werewolf. Jonathan is actually a vampire.

Quotes:

Some party! Enid raged to herself. Katrina Sutton dropped dead, and Jessica stole Jonathan away from me. The night was a total bust.

Enid’s really gone off the deep end.

Elizabeth sat down on a lawn chair and closed her eyes. “It’s just that…I’m grounded.” Her face grew hot with embarrassment.

“Grounded!” Joey shrieked. “That’s so…high school!”

Joey’s kind of a douche. Except…

“Let me get this straight, Elizabeth. You and I supposedly had a date today, but you stood me up. Now you expect me to come running to Sweet Valley because you’re worried about your sister?”

…“This isn’t the time for games, Joey. I’m begging. Either you come and help me now, or it’s over between us.”

“OK,” he said. “If that’s the way you want it, then I guess it’s over.”

Dammit, the one guy who seems to be able to stand up to St. Liz is taking off.

The Cover: Well, that’s dramatic. I love the angry mob with their flashlights and implements of destruction.

Read the rest of this miniseries: Part one, part two, part three.

The Moral of the Story: Sweet Valley is a town full of morons.

The Big Deal: Another celebratory post-kidnapping party

Synopsis:

When Jeremy shows up at the Wakefields’ house and says Sue has disappeared, Liz is the only one who seems to think they should go look for her. Jeremy gives Jessica some lame excuse about why he was making out with Sue (“She threw herself at me! Honest!”), so Jessica is all ready to forgive him and leave Sue to her fate. Liz convinces them they need to go back to the cabin to try to find her.

When they get to the cabin where the party took place, Jeremy sends Liz and Jessica into the woods. Then he goes up to the attic of the cabin where Sue is waiting for him and tells her to just hold on for a few more hours and the inheritance is theirs. Then he rips off her necklace and goes outside. When the twins come back, he tells them he found the necklace in the woods.

Jeremy goes to the Wakefields’ house the next morning to tell Ned and Alice that Sue has disappeared. He stalls them until the phone rings. Ned puts it on speaker, and they all hear a voice demand half a million dollars (which is the same amount Sue is supposed to inherit) in exchange for Sue’s return, and then it says Sue will die if anyone calls the police. Jessica thinks the voice is familiar, and it’s clear to us that it’s a message Jeremy recorded. Ned wants to call the police regardless of what the kidnapper said, but Jeremy convinces him not to. He can’t, however, convince Ned not to call his detective buddy, Sam Diamond. Then everyone sits down for a delicious blueberry pancake breakfast. Jessica is overjoyed when Alice says the twins won’t be going to school, and she’s annoyed that Jeremy won’t make out with her because he’s so worried about Sue.

Jeremy goes back to the cabin and is furious to find Sue downstairs and not in the attic where he left her. He hollers at her because what if someone came searching for her? He takes her back upstairs and ties her up – just to keep up appearances, you know. Sue starts to wonder if this is really the best way to get her inheritance. And I don’t get this at all. Sue’s mother’s will stated that if Sue stayed away from Jeremy for two months, she’d inherit the money. So why couldn’t they just stay away from each other for two months? Why all this rigmarole? It’s so convoluted.

Sam Diamond shows up and it turns out it’s really Samantha Diamond. This affords the twins the opportunity to argue about women and careers and stuff, and Liz can’t believe Jessica doesn’t have a shred of feminism in her. I think Jessica sees how obnoxious Feminist Liz can be and is running in the other direction. Anyway, this is not the time or place for such a discussion. Everyone tells Sam what’s been going on. When “the kidnapper” calls again, Sam traces the call and is horrified when it comes back as unavailable. Ah, the advent of the cellular phone. The voice on the phone says that because the Wakefields contacted a detective, he now wants an extra thousand dollars added to the ransom and he wants the twins to be the ones to bring it to him.

Sam tells Jeremy and the Wakefields this whole thing must be kept top secret, so of course Jessica tries to tell Lila. She tells her Sue’s been kidnapped and is being held hostage, but she says it with her hand over the phone for some reason. Lila, of course, misunderstands and thinks the whole Wakefield family is being held hostage. And now it’s turned into another episode of Saved by the Bell.

Lila calls Robby and Todd and they decide they need to get into the house somehow and, I don’t know, overtake the kidnappers or something. Instead of just ringing the doorbell, they decide they need a disguise. Robby’s cousin works for Sweet Valley Power, so Robby says he can get uniforms and maybe a sweet truck. Meanwhile, Jeremy and the Wakefields are just hanging out at home. Jessica is getting pissed that Jeremy isn’t paying enough attention to her, so she goes to Steven’s room and steals the ring Steve was going to wear when he married Cara. Jessica gives it to Jeremy and finally gets his attention.

Ned comes back from the bank with the money, and Sam wires up the twins with microphones and sends them off to make the drop, planning to follow behind them. On the way out of the house, Jessica picks up a camcorder, thinking it might come in handy. After they leave, Jeremy tells Ned and Alice he wants to go to the cabin for some reason. He runs out of the house, pulling a ski mask on as he goes. Just then, Lila, Todd, Robby and Robby’s cousin, Sidney, pull up in a Sweet Valley Power truck. They see a man in a ski mask running across the lawn and figure he must be the kidnapper, so they all hop out of the truck and jump him. When they tear off the mask and see it’s Jeremy, they’re all, “Sorry, man,” and let him go. When someone wonders why he’s wearing a ski mask, someone else says it’s probably a Halloween thing. You people are idiots.

Jeremy goes to the cabin and gets Sue, who’s been tied to a chair in the attic for quite a while now. She doesn’t want to go through with the plan anymore but Jeremy yells at her and forces her into the car. When they get to the dropoff point, Jeremy tells Sue he’ll pick her up later at the Wakefields’ house. Sue gets out of the car and Liz puts the briefcase full of money in a phone booth before running back to the Jeep. Jeremy, wearing a long trenchcoat and a big hat, gets the money from the phone booth and takes off. Sam shows up and tells the girls the money was fake.

Sam, Sue and the twins go back to the Wakefields’ house, where they join Ned, Alice, Todd, Lila, Robby and Sidney for cake and ice cream. Ned proposes a toast to the twins and their bravery, and Liz sympathizes with Sue’s being tied to a chair for two days. Then everyone watches the tape Jessica made during the dropoff. Nobody can see anything identifiable about the kidnapper, except Jessica, who notices the man wearing the ring she gave Jeremy.

Quotes:

“Now, Alice,” said Mr. Wakefield, his voice optimistic, “don’t give up hope. Remember when Elizabeth was kidnapped? We were all so worried, and it all turned out fine in the end.”

Yeah, good times, good times.

“He gave me some bread in the morning and some water during the day.”

Mrs. Wakefield gasped. “But that’s torture!” she exclaimed, slicing another piece of cake and putting it on her plate.

I’m starting to think Mrs. Wakefield is a little “special.”

The Cover: So, to go along with the SBTB-esque quality of the plot, we’ve got a Zack Morris lookalike here on the cover, complete with Zack Morris hair and button-down shirt. Poor Sue is still wearing her witch costume from the Halloween party, and we’ve got great big kidnapper hands playing with the totally awesome cell phone. Jessica’s making a total bitchface.

The Moral of the Story: No man can resist a Wakefield.

The Big Deal: Party at the Wakefields’ house

Synopsis:

The twins are hanging out at the beach with Lila and Enid, telling them about London. Liz is acting all depressed about Luke, so Jessica drags Lila away to walk along the shore. They start talking about boys and just when they both declare they’re ready for serious relationships, Jessica gets hit in the head with a stray Frisbee. The guys it belongs to are, of course, the most gorgeous men alive. The slightly less attractive one introduces himself as Robby and wants to buy Jessica a soda to make up for the bump on her head, but she and the other guy are too busy staring at each other. Robby and Lila go away, leaving Jessica and her Adonis to profess their love for each other. Jessica thinks she hasn’t felt this way since Sam died. They kiss, and then the guy says this is all wrong, even though it totally feels like they’re supposed to be together. He goes away and Jessica wants to die. She doesn’t even know this guy’s name.

Jessica is heartbroken when she gets back to Liz and Enid at the beach. Liz laughs at her until Jessica says not even Sam made her feel like this. Liz and Enid are shocked, but Liz thinks she can help Jessica sort through her feelings. Ever since the guy with whom she was cheating on her boyfriend turned out to be a serial killer, Liz has been reading a self-help book about relationships to figure out where she went wrong.

When the twins get home, Alice tells them she got a letter from Sue Gibbons, who is getting married soon and wants a California wedding. Sue’s mother, Nancy, was Alice’s college roommate and best friend. Nancy has died recently, and Alice wants to invite Sue to stay with the Wakefields for a month or so while she plans her wedding. When Sue gets there, Liz spends most of her time passing judgment on Sue’s preferences about the wedding. She can’t believe Sue wants to register for expensive gifts, she thinks the ring Sue picks out is too big and she actually chastises Jessica for suggesting Paris as a honeymoon location because Sue and her fiancé, Jeremy, work for a conservation group or something and Liz thinks they should go educate people in Costa Rica on their honeymoon. I hate Liz.

It’s been a week since Jessica’s mystery man left her on the beach and she’s still just as miserable. Everyone is getting ready to meet Jeremy and Jessica is trying to put on a brave face even though she’s destined to a life of loneliness. Then Jeremy shows up, and Jessica is shocked to discover that Sue’s fiancé is her mystery man. They pretend they don’t know each other, but everything he says just proves to Jessica that he was meant for her. Jessica takes Jeremy to the mall the next day so he can buy Sue’s ring. He wants to guess which ring Sue picked, and he naturally picks the one Jessica likes. That night, Sue says Jeremy is taking her to the Carousel, Jessica’s favorite restaurant. Jessica wants to make Jeremy jealous, so she calls every guy she knows, but Bruce is the only one home. She says a friend is on a blind date and she promised to keep an eye on things. At the restaurant, Jessica is pleased to see Jeremy is jealous of Bruce.

Todd’s been out of town this whole time, visiting his grandparents. Liz is taking the opportunity to turn into one of those obnoxious feminists who talk about empowerment or whatever. Todd calls one day and Liz tells him all about how she and a bunch of other girls went to Enid’s to “really explore my own sense of womanhood” because she got so shook up in London. Todd offers to help, but Liz says it’s a girls only thing. Of course, Todd gets upset and hurt. Shut up.

Alice is supposed to take Jeremy to the caterers to meet Liz and Sue, but she has a meeting come up at the last minute and asks Jessica to take him. Jessica directs him to Miller’s Point instead, where they kiss again. Then Jeremy pulls away and says he’s marrying Sue. Jessica gives up and points him to the caterers, where Jeremy and Sue argue over whether they should serve chicken or lobster.

The twins go with Sue to pick up the dresses. They’re going to be bridesmaids, which irks Jessica to no end. On the way to the car, Sue says something about her “bridal underthings” for the wedding night. It’s too much for Jessica and she “accidentally” throws Sue’s wedding dress under a passing truck. Luckily, it’s not damaged, just dirty, and Alice tells Jessica she has to pay to have it cleaned. Liz knows Jessica is depressed that night, so she drags her to a Primal Woman seminar, where women write their own “herstory” and choose new names for themselves. Liz calls herself Runs-with-the-Wind. Jessica thinks the whole thing is stupid and says she’ll just be Jessica, like Madonna or Cher.

Jessica has the house to herself and she calls Jeremy to come over, ostensibly so he can meet Sue and go to the florist. When he gets there, he mentions trying on his tux to see if it goes with Sue’s dress. Jessica tells him to put it on, then runs upstairs to put Sue’s dress on. Then she and Jeremy have a talk. He tells her he really does love her, but he’s made a promise to Sue and he has to go through with the wedding. After he leaves, Jessica realizes the zipper on the dress is stuck. She rips it trying to take it off, but Liz is able to mend it.

The Wakefields throw an engagement party for Sue and Jeremy. Sue says Jeremy and Jessica should dance together, so they do. Jeremy just about loses his mind at how awesome Jessica looks. He says he needs to be alone with her, so she takes him behind some hedges and they start making out.

Just so you know, Jeremy is twenty-three.

To be continued…

Quotes:

“I love weddings. But isn’t eighteen awfully young to be getting married?”

Mrs. Wakefield nodded. “I imagine that, because of her mother’s illness and untimely death, Sue’s probably feeling a little lost. One way for her to feel secure again would be to get married and have her own family.”

And we’re just going to let her do that? Do we really think that’s healthy?

“People don’t make mistakes all the time. Women do. Women constantly make mistakes about men.”

“If Sue were really strong within herself, maybe Jeremy wouldn’t be attracted to other women.”

So, basically, Liz’s book has taught her that everything that goes wrong in relationships is the woman’s fault.

The Cover: I guess that’s supposed to be Sue looking for her cheating fiancé who’s kissing Jessica behind that tree, but doesn’t she kind of look like she’s trapped in the house and she’s trying to get someone’s attention? And isn’t it strange that the room she’s in appears to be totally empty?

So, it’s become painfully obvious that I am unable to keep up with daily posting. These newer books are longer than the older ones and even more convoluted and horrible. I think that for now I’m going to go with trying to post one miniseries every week, stuffing in Super Thrillers and Magnas wherever they go. So for now, I’m promising at least three posts every week. I have enough stockpiled to last us a while, but I’d rather space them out and make them last.

Synopsis:

Elizabeth: Liz’s trial is starting, and Alice Wakefield is losing her marbles, running around offering snacks and washing windows while Liz and Ned go over their defense. A defense, by the way, that sucks ass because Liz cannot remember anything, no matter how many times the jerkface prosecutor asks her what happened the night of the prom.

Jessica: Jessica is still hanging all over Todd and ending most family scenes by running out of the room. She knows Todd feels bad about Liz, but she tells him he has to choose where his loyalties lie. The night before Liz’s trial starts, Todd and Jessica go to the Beach Disco and make out during a slow dance. A few days later, Jessica finds a letter Todd has written to Liz, and she snaps when she realizes she doesn’t really want Todd anyway. All she wants is Sam. This doesn’t make her give up, though. If anything, she hangs on to Todd more tightly, telling him Liz read his letter and threw it away. For some reason, she goes to the courthouse for the last day of Liz’s trial.

Todd: Todd sucks. He goes to Liz’s trial and it makes him feel guilty for what he’s been doing with Jessica. He tells Jessica it feels wrong to be with her, but keeps making out with her. He’s all torn up, so he goes to visit Steve, of all people, who is not happy to hear that Todd has been cheating on one little sister with the other. That night, Todd writes Liz a letter and asks her to give him a sign. He’ll go to her trial every day, and when she wears the bracelet he gave her, he’ll know it’s okay for him to talk to her.

Lila: Lila’s mother tells her the story of why she left Sweet Valley to go live in Paris: Grace wanted a separation from George, but George didn’t. When Grace took Lila and went to her parents’ house, George filed for divorce and sued for custody. Lila decides she’s going to get her parents back together.

Steven: Steve has a crush on his roommate, Billie, and she’s a really good listener when he talks about his family. When a classmate says there’s a rumor that Steve’s mom is in a nuthatch or something, Steve accuses Billie of blabbing. Billie is hurt and says she’s moving out. Then Steve finds out that Jessica told Amy and Lila that Alice was losing it. He apologizes to Billie and they make up.

Bruce: Pamela Robertson has transferred to Sweet Valley High in the hopes of getting away from her reputation as a slut at Big Mesa. Bruce still won’t give her the time of day, and Cousin Roger thinks it’s his fault because he was one of the many people who tried to warn Bruce about Pamela’s sluttiness. Poor Pamela doesn’t have any friends because everyone at Sweet Valley already knows about her, and Roger feels bad. He decides to befriend her himself, but Pamela doesn’t trust his motives. When Lila and Amy ask her to have a soda with them, she decides to give them a try. The three of them become friends, and Amy has a talk with Bruce about the way he’s judged Pamela. Bruce realizes Amy is right and feels bad. Then one day, Bruce sees a Big Mesa asshole trying to get Pamela to take a ride with him. Pamela is scared and crying, so Bruce just runs up and punches the guy in the face. Then he kisses Pamela.

Margo: Margo rides the Big Grey Dog all the way from Houston to Los Angeles, where she buys a train ticket to Sweet Valley. While waiting for her train, she sees Josh, the older brother of the boy she killed in Cleveland. Margo makes a scene, acting like Josh is bothering her, and then runs out of the restaurant. She exchanges her ticket and hops on the train currently leaving for San Diego instead. When she finally gets to Sweet Valley, the first place she goes is the mall to buy a blond wig.

The outcome: On the last day of Liz’s trial, a kid named Gilbert is called as a surprise witness. He was out driving drunk the night of the prom, and he caused Liz to crash. Jessica is all happy for a minute because that means her spiking Liz’s drink didn’t cause Sam’s death, Gilbert did. Then she notices that her whole family is rallied around Liz, hugging her and whatnot. She gets all sad and leaves with Todd. Liz tries to talk to her a few nights later, but Jessica ignores her and leaves the room.

Quotes:

But Mom’s only in Sweet Valley temporarily, Lila reminded herself. Nothing lasts forever. If I can’t count on the stability of the Wakefields, what can I count on?

If this mess hasn’t taught you that the Wakefields are even more fucked up than most families, nothing will.

Roger heaved a discouraged sigh. This was a repeat of many conversations he’d had with Bruce since he came to live in Sweet Valley after his mother’s death.

The continuity is even worse in these books than in the first ninety-four. Roger already lived in Sweet Valley when his mother died. Remember? He was poor, Lila had a crush on him, blah blah blah.

Laughing at his own wit, Bruce climbed into the Porsche and started the engine. He didn’t give Pamela another glance – that was part of her punishment…

I will kill Bruce Patman. Her punishment?

The Cover: Okay, Margo is freaking me out. She looks really scary. And the Sweet Valley courthouse is pretty imposing, too. Liz’s shirt is horrible.

Synopsis:

Liz has been charged with involuntary manslaughter. The detectives keep asking her questions, but she has no recollection of drinking the night of the prom, or of leaving the school. She’s put in a holding cell with a prostitute. I can’t believe there’s even one prostitute in Sweet Valley. Ned calls Steve, who almost faints when he hears Liz will be spending the night in the police station’s holding cell. Jessica is still feeling as depressed as ever, but she’s decided to pretend to be her old self again. She’s also decided that the only thing that will really make her feel better is if Liz goes down for murdering Sam.

Her first day back at school after being released, everyone avoids Liz except Enid. Enid sets her bag down next to Liz at lunch and then goes to get her food. While she’s gone, Liz sees a newspaper sticking out of Enid’s bag. She grabs it and sees her own picture on the front page and an article about how she’s going to stand trial. Liz gets it into her head that Enid meant for her to find the newspaper and embarrass her, so she runs out of the cafeteria. What she doesn’t know is that Jessica stuck that paper in Enid’s bag when Enid walked past her. Phase two of Jessica’s revenge involves Todd. She calls him crying about how much she misses Sam, and manipulates Todd into offering to hang out with her the next night.

Lila seems to think her mother’s visit is going to solve all her problems, and Amy is worried. Jessica is annoyed because Lila never shuts up about her mom. Pamela calls Bruce and he agrees to listen to her explanation for staying out all night with some guy. Olivia, who is suddenly referred to as Nicholas Morrow’s best friend, has entered Nicholas to be on a dating show called Hunks. He’s a good sport about it, but gets set up with a weird biker chick named Jakki.

There’s a weird chapter here that’s very Lost. Lila is going to meet her mother for the first time. She pulls out of her driveway and almost hits a chick on a motorcycle. The chick is Jakki, on her way to pick up Nicholas. Nicholas waves to Bruce from the back of Jakki’s bike. Bruce is on his way to meet Pamela. He has a red rose, but decides he’ll look weak if he gives it to her. He tosses it out the window, then pulls up next to Steve Wakefield at a light. Steve is lost in thought and almost hits a girl crossing the street. The girl is Pamela, on her way to meet Bruce. Mrs. Wakefield takes Liz to the mall to try to make her feel better. Liz is miserable and goes outside. She sees Todd drive by (he’s on his way to meet Jessica at the movie theater) and starts crying. She cries even harder when she sees a red rose on the hood of her mother’s car.

Jakki takes Nicholas to some biker bar called Club Mud. Nicholas calls Olivia to come pick him up. Lila meets her mother, but also her mother’s boyfriend, Pierre. He’s kind of a douchebag.

Pamela wants to tell Bruce her story, which is that she had dated some asshole named Jake Jacoby who wanted her to “go all the way” with him. When she wouldn’t, he dumped her, but told everyone he’d gotten laid. After that, all the boys started asking her out, then dumping her when she wouldn’t have sex with them, either. But all of them lied and said she did because nobody wanted to be known as the guy she wouldn’t sleep with. So now everyone thinks Pamela is a total whore. She went out with Jake to try to get him to tell people the truth about her, but he just got pissed and kept her out all night just to be mean. It was him Bruce saw bringing Pamela home that day. Pamela doesn’t get a chance to say any of this because as soon as she sits down with Bruce, Jake and two other guys come up to their table and start taunting them. Bruce leaves the restaurant.

Todd and Jessica both have a horrible time at the movie, but Jessica says she doesn’t want to go home yet. She suggests a walk on the beach, so off they go, past the Dairi Burger where everyone can see them together. On the beach, Todd mentions Sam, and Jessica starts crying. Todd hugs her and says he knows how she feels because he misses Liz so much. This pisses Jessica right off, but she pretends it doesn’t and holds Todd closer.

Liz has a meeting with the lawyer Ned found for her, Alan Rose. Mr. Rose is kind of a jerkface and alternately talks about how much alcohol was in Liz’s system and how uncooperative she’s being by saying she doesn’t remember anything about the crash. Hello, you’re the one sitting there talking about how drunk she was, and you’re surprised she can’t remember anything? Ned fires Mr. Rose and decides to represent Liz himself.

The next day, Steve takes Liz to the park and they see Todd and Jessica holding hands. The day after that, Enid and Liz are driving by Todd’s house and they see the twins’ Jeep in his driveway. Steve is worried about both his sisters, but pushes everything aside for a minute to find himself a roommate for his new off-campus apartment. He answers an ad by a Billie Winkler, who shocks him by turning out to be a girl. Steve’s an idiot.

Nicholas’ second date, Susan, is just as bad as his first, but the third girl is awesome. Ann is everything the first two weren’t, and Nicholas somehow manages to turn the date into a nightmare. He’s late picking her up, he gets a flat tire and he throws up. It’s pretty bad. The next day, he goes back to the Hunks studio, where each girl gets to tell the world how their dates went. Jakki and Susan are pretty mean, but Ann says she had a wonderful time. They agree to go out again.

A bunch of Nicholas’ friends are at the Hunks taping, and Jessica and Todd are among them. After the show, the guys all want to go to a nearby burrito stand and Todd asks Jessica to join them. Jessica says Sam loved burritos so she couldn’t possibly go with them. She’ll just go home. Todd offers to go with her, and they end up on the beach again. Jessica is wearing one of Liz’s sweaters and Todd is all confused and weirded out. When Jessica starts making out with him, he kisses her back while thinking about Liz.

Crazy Margo kills the little boy she’s been babysitting, steals a bunch of money from his parents’ house and leaves Cleveland. She’s on her way to California, where she thinks she’ll find her real family. For some reason, the voice in her head tells her to get off the bus in Houston. She hangs out at the Houston bus station for sixteen hours, and then an old woman sits down next to her with a newspaper. There’s a picture on the front page that Margo thinks is a picture of herself at first, but then sees the girl has blond hair and a dimple and is going to be going to trial on manslaughter charges.

Quotes:

“I’ve been a fool,” [Pamela] mumbled through her sobs. “I’ve been a stupid, stupid fool.”

Show of hands: who actually talked like this at sixteen years old?

The Cover: That must be the Wakefields’ house. Isn’t it quaint? Liz is looking at me and I don’t like it. There’s way too much denim going on over there with Todd and Jessica on the beach.