The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: Will somebody throw a party around here?

Synopsis:

Olivia’s Story was clearly not canon, because today her boyfriend is not James Yates, but Rod Sullivan. And as much as I hated James, I hate Rod even more. All he can ever talk about is how great Elizabeth is and what a talented writer she is, and then acts like Olivia is just so cute with her poetry and art stuff.

Penny has been chosen for some award or something and will be in Washington, D.C. for two weeks. She needs to appoint someone as editor-in-chief while she’s gone. Liz is the obvious choice, but Olivia can’t help hoping she might get picked instead. Rod, of course, thinks she’s being ridiculous; of course Penny will choose Liz. And of course she does. Olivia is crushed at first, but she turns that emotion into a kickass edition of Visions, the literary magazine she edits. Liz says she might have some poems she can contribute, so Olivia asks her to bring them over after school. Liz reads some of Olivia’s poems and convinces her to send them to the Sweet Valley News. Olivia is feeling pretty good that night until she talks to Rod, who asks her how her afternoon was, but then won’t let Olivia get a word in after Elizabeth is mentioned.

I think the theme of this book is “honesty.” First, Jessica doesn’t want to be honest with Sam and tell him she’d rather go shopping with Lila than watch him in another dirt bike race. Then, when Lila picks her up, Jessica is shocked that Lila has straightened her hair and dyed it purple. She doesn’t want to hurt Lila’s feelings so she doesn’t say anything. When Lila realizes people at the mall are laughing at her and not admiring her, she gets mad at Jessica for not telling her she looked bad. That evening, Ned comes home with a present for Alice. It’s a sculpture of meerkats and it looks horrible. Alice hates it, but doesn’t want to hurt Ned’s feelings.

It’s only Tuesday and Liz is already totally stressed out about the paper. There’s a horrible superflu going around and a third of the school, including Mr. Collins, is out sick. The paper is shorthanded and Liz has three blank spaces that need to be filled. Olivia would be glad to help, but Liz hasn’t asked her and I guess she feels like she needs an engraved invitation. When Jenny Mitchell, who was going to write the feature article, comes down with Captain Trips, Rod offers to help, which makes Olivia mad. Liz asks Jessica if she can help out, and Jessica decides to write a story about whether or not honesty is the best policy. Now Liz has only one blank space left, and she has Todd fill it with a name-the-flu contest. When Rod turns in his article, Liz is relieved to find it’s actually good, though it’s vaguely familiar to her.

Everyone thinks Jessica’s article is great, but Lila gives her a women’s magazine with an article about how being completely honest makes you a better person. Jessica thinks about it for a while and decides she’s never going to tell a lie again. This sounds great, but Jessica doesn’t seem to understand that you don’t have to be a bitch to tell the truth. After a week of Jessica telling everyone exactly what she thinks about them, Lila organizes a Total Honesty for Jessica Day. Everyone spends the whole day criticizing her and she learns her lesson.

Liz is having trouble with an English assignment. She has to compare a poem to a painting or something, but Liz doesn’t really get art. Rod offers to help her, and they agree to talk about the essay at the Dairi Burger after school. When they get there, though, Rod just wants to talk. At one point, he takes Liz’s hand and says he likes that she doesn’t bite her nails. And it is at that minute that Olivia inevitably comes through the door. She leaves before Rod or Liz can spot her. She calls Liz later that night, and Liz explains that Rod was just helping her with an assignment and he was only holding her hand to see if she bit her nails.

Liz does finally manage to get Rod to help her with her essay, but she falls asleep that night without finishing it. The next morning, she wakes up late and panics about the essay. She knows it’s sloppy, but she decides to turn it in as is rather than not turn it in at all. That afternoon, Mr. Collins asks her why she would plagiarize art critic Archie Fox. Liz realizes Rod passed off Archie’s ideas as his own, but she’s really only mad at herself for trying to pass off Rod’s ideas as hers. Or whatever. Bottom line is, Mr. Collins kicks Liz off the newspaper for being a plagiarist. Liz asks Rod why he would do this to her, but he says she shouldn’t have just written down what he said. Liz talks to Jessica, who tells her it’s obvious that Rod has a crush on her and was only trying to impress her. Olivia comes to the same conclusion when Liz talks to her, and she gets upset and tells Liz she can’t help her.

A few days later, Olivia is on top of the world. Now that Liz is off the paper, Olivia is helping Mr. Collins with editing. Then Rod takes her out and they have the best date they’ve ever had. She feels guilty about Liz, though. On Saturday, the Sweet Valley News prints one of Olivia’s poems, and she realizes she really has Liz to thank, but she still just doesn’t know what to do. Then Jessica shows up at her house and tells her Liz would never just sit around doing nothing if the roles were reversed, so Olivia needs to get off her ass.

Olivia knows Jessica is right. She realizes a few things, like Rod really did have a crush on Liz. She also remembers that there was something odd about the article he wrote for The Oracle. She fishes it out of her trashcan and rereads it. It turns out he plagiarized the whole thing. Olivia calls Penny, who has just returned from D.C., and they go to Mr. Collins first thing in the morning. Rod gets in trouble, Olivia breaks up with him, Liz is back on the paper and is friends with Olivia again.

Setup for the next book: John Pfeifer and Jennifer Mitchell have broken up, and Lila is showing a little interest in John. Don’t go home with him, Lila! He’s no good!

Quotes:

Olivia was thrilled when she saw the look on Rod’s face. “Wow!” He gave a low whistle. “You look fantastic, Liv.”

“Do you really think so?” she asked, trying not to sound too pleased with herself.

“Yeah.” He tilted his head to one side. “Doesn’t Elizabeth have a dress like that?”

Yep, that’s Rod.

DeeDee had rolled her eyes. “Elizabeth Wakefield was sitting in the Dairi Burger holding hands with someone else’s boyfriend? Have you lost your mind?”

She’s not that perfect. I direct you to the Cheats on Boyfriend tag.

The Cover: Why is Penny on this cover giving Liz the bitchface? She’s hardly even in the book. Olivia looks kind of cute, but I don’t know why she’s wearing pearls. Liz looks confused and sleepy. And I hate her.

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: Science field trip

Synopsis:

The twins are taking a field trip to Anacapa Island, which is an hour’s boat ride from Sweet Valley. Jessica has to go because she’s flunking science. Liz is going because it sounds like fun. (That just about sums up the twins, eh?) Jessica is looking forward to getting in some flirting with Ken Matthews for no other reason than that he’s the cutest guy on the trip. But she gets cockblocked (or, as my friends and I like to say when referring to females, “cunt corked”) by Mr. Russo, who actually makes her do work and pairs her with Winston for the buddy system, and then by Winston, who acts like a twelve-year-old and constantly calls her “buddy” and puts a crab on her head and won’t leave her alone. I usually like Winston, but he’s totally obnoxious here and I really want to punch him.

The field trip is cut short when a storm starts rolling in, so everyone gets back on the boat. Jessica sits with Ken and starts reminding him of this one time they made out. He starts to get all excited, but then the boat starts filling up with water and Mr. Russo tells them to get on the lifeboats. Since Jessica’s buddy is Winston, they have to get in a lifeboat together. They’re in the water when Liz yells that she and Aaron have only one oar. Winston has accidentally taken three (what?) so he and Jessica paddle on over to Liz and Aaron’s boat. Winston stands up to toss Aaron the extra oar, but a big wave comes along and the lifeboat is capsized. When the wave is gone, Jessica and Winston have disappeared. Twenty minutes later, the storm is receding and everyone gets back on the big boat. Jessica and Winston are still missing. All that’s left of them is Winston’s baseball cap and Jessica’s lifejacket. Sad times.

Jessica wakes up the next morning on a deserted tropical island. She’s walking through the jungle when Winston scares the crap out of her by jumping out of the bushes at her. Ugh, not Winston. He tells Jessica that after the boat capsized, he managed to right it and then got in and started rowing. Jessica’s all excited that the boat is with him, but he says he didn’t pull it up far enough on shore and it was gone when he woke up. Jessica is furious and says she never wants to see him again. Then she stomps off into the jungle alone. Winston calls her back and she follows him to where he has a pile of fruit he picked and fish he caught. Jessica is unimpressed and insists she can catch her own fish. She’s so much like Shannon from Lost in this book.

Winston knows Jessica well enough to have expected her reaction and it doesn’t bother him. He starts eating the food by himself, knowing she’s hungry and will come join him eventually. And she does. They have a nice meal, and then Jessica tries to lay down and work on her tan. She thinks maybe she’ll get sick of fish and just stop eating altogether, lose a little weight, and then she’ll be tan and thin when the rescue boats come. Blech. Winston tells her to get up because they have work to do. He wants to find food and build a shelter, and Jessica is all, “Do we have to?” God, she’s infuriating. Winston insists, so they build their shelter, then he lets Jessica decorate it while he goes off to look for food. Because girls make things pretty and men provide sustenance. Thanks, Francine.

Back in Sweet Valley, Nicholas Morrow offers to take a group of people out on his boat to search for Jessica and Winston. Liz and Steve take him up on it, and they set out on the water. Then another freaking storm comes along and they have to turn back. When they get home, Liz and Steve find their parents standing on the doorstep waiting for them. Alice is crying and saying she was worried she’d lost them too. Liz doesn’t like that Alice seems to assume that Jessica’s dead. Liz knows, because of that freaky twin thing, that Jessica is still alive.

Jessica and Winston go hiking into the jungle to look for food. They see a bear and Winston gets totally freaked out and hides behind Jessica. She somehow figures out that the bear wants their fruit, so she starts throwing berries at it. Then a crack of thunder scares the bear and it runs away. Jessica and Winston go back to their shelter and Winston is feeling sorry for himself for being such a coward. Jessica says she admires him and they have a nice bonding moment. It’s great, but you know in the next book she’s going to go back to being a total bitch to him. Later, Jessica is feeling sorry for herself and thinking of all the things she’ll miss if she has to spend the rest of her life on an island with Winston. She starts bargaining, promising herself that if she gets rescued she’ll be nicer to people and make her bed and whatnot. And just then a helicopter shows up and rescues them.

Quotes:

Jessica stopped a few feet away so that Ken could get an optimal view of her body posed against the seductive backdrop of the sea, sand, and palm trees.

I can just picture her doing her best to look sexy. Ugh. It’s all good though, this is right before Winston comes along and puts the crab on her head.

I swore I’d never speak to him again, Jessica reminded herself. Then she saw a loophole. She hadn’t sworn she wouldn’t eat with him, had she?

Sometimes Jessica is so childish and immature I just want to punch her.

Elizabeth watched Nicholas. His strong profile – the dark hair, straight nose, and determined expression – and his take-charge attitude filled her with hope.

I love that Liz is filled with hope about Nicholas’ ability to find Jessica because he’s handsome. And I like that the “take-charge attitude” bit is thrown in there like an afterthought.

The Cover: What a great cover. Even better than Runaway.

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: Picnic at Secca Lake? I don’t think it counts.

Synopsis:

Jessica has snagged A. J. Morgan, the hot new guy. He likes serious girls, so Jessica is determined he not find out she’s really a bubble-headed snob. She starts acting all boring and serious all the time, dragging A. J. to Save the Whales meetings and the like. She writes a love poem for him and shows it to Liz, who thinks it’s awful. Here is the poem:

Time is a grinding wheel of merciless pain

We are trapped in our lives until the hour of death.

But love breaks our chains and lets us fly into the universe

Where everything is real and alive

Forever.

Is that awful? I can’t tell. I kind of hate poetry and think it’s pretty much all awful. Liz keeps trying to tell Jessica to just be herself, but Jessica insists she knows about these things and is sure that if she just pretends to be who A. J. thinks she is, he’ll fall in love with her.

There’s a picnic at Secca Lake and A. J. wants to go hiking beforehand. Jessica gets all into it and suggests they do this every weekend. A. J. seems subdued, so Jessica comes up with all manner of depressing things to talk about, like world hunger. When A. J. takes her hand and tells her she’s special, she’s so surprised she snatches her hand back without thinking. A. J. suggests they go back because people are starting to arrive for the picnic. Jessica is disappointed. When they get back, Liz can see that A. J. seems irritated, but she doesn’t feel it’s her place to say anything. Lila says the owner of Lisette’s is going to have some kind of contest and the winner will get a custom designed wardrobe. Jessica acts like she doesn’t care, but Liz knows she’s dying to enter. She says it might be fun to enter, just as a joke, and Jessica gratefully uses that as an excuse.

While jogging along the beach, A. J. and Jessica hear someone calling for help. There’s someone out in the water and A. J. goes to the rescue. He comes back to shore with a voluptuous girl in a skimpy bikini. This chick, Pamela from Bridgewater, immediately starts flirting with A. J. and sending Jessica challenging glares. The next night, she calls A. J. and says she has his towel and he should come get it because her parents want to thank him for saving her life. He thinks about Jessica, who he’s starting to get bored with, and then about Pamela who promises excitement. He decides he’ll just go say hello, get his towel and leave. But when he gets there, Pamela’s parents aren’t there and it’s clear the whole thing was a ploy to get him alone. A. J. hates those kinds of games, but Pamela is so super sexy he has trouble resisting her. He finally manages to leave, but not before Pamela asks him to a Bridgewater dance. He says he’ll let her know in a few days. When he gets to his car, he realizes he was supposed to meet Jessica twenty minutes ago.

Jessica is waiting at the library when A. J. comes in. She hides all her emotions when he tells her he was at Pamela’s and is even truthful about her parents not being there. Jessica is freaking out, but acts like it was so nice of Pamela to give him back his towel. She pretends she has to leave and races out of the library before he can see her crying. When she gets home, Liz tries to tell her that Pamela ain’t got nothin’ on the real Jessica, but Jessica still thinks A. J. wouldn’t like the real her. Liz does manage to convince her to enter the fashion contest though.

Lila and Amy go to Lisette’s with Jessica so she can sign up for the contest. And who should they run into? Pamela. That bitch. She hears about the contest and decides she’s going to sign up too. She drops a lot of remarks about A. J. and how he really seemed to like her dress the other night. Then Lila fake-whispers to Amy that A. J. said he met a girl on the beach with a huge rear end to match her huge ego. I freaking LOVE Lila. Amy and Lila tell Jessica they’ll keep an eye on Pamela so she doesn’t try anything funny during the contest.

Liz and Jeffrey go on a double date with Jessica and A. J. It’s a disaster. Jessica says she’ll have whatever kind of pizza A. J. likes and play whatever songs he wants on the jukebox. She gets up and A. J. asks Liz if Jessica’s always like this. Liz wants to tell him how Jessica really is because she’s convinced he’d really like her, but, you know, she promised Jessica she wouldn’t. At home, she wants to tell Jessica that A. J. is bored with her because she’s so serious and wishy-washy, but she’s afraid it will break Jessica’s heart. So she does nothing. Way to be, Liz.

At the fashion show, Pamela is a nightmare. She’s sabotaged every garment Jessica is supposed to wear. But our girl Jess improvises and pulls off the whole thing with a flourish. Things come to a head on the last turn. Jessica is backstage waiting to model a swimsuit and coverup when Pamela dumps a big cup of water on her. Jessica’s had enough. She starts yelling at Pamela and everyone in the audience can hear what she’s saying. Then Lila and Amy pull back the curtain so everyone can see how great Jessica looks, even covered in water. Jessica wins the contest, Pamela runs off in tears and A. J. decides he likes the real Jessica.

Setup for the next book: I don’t know, some shit about Jade Wu, whoever she is.

Quotes:

It was the old Jessica up there on the stage, and she hadn’t looked so fantastic in weeks. Drops of water glittered in her hair like diamonds, bouncing a halo of rainbows all around her every time she moved her head. She seemed to be surrounded by stars. And the sexy, clingy beach outfit she was wearing showed off every curve of her body. She looked absolutely stunning.

Only Jessica would look “absolutely stunning” after having a cup of water poured over her head.

The Cover: Ah, the traditional “hold me, please, I’m just a weak girl” pose. With matching shirts, no less.

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: Party for Olivia’s literary magazine being finished

Synopsis:

Amy Sutton has decided Sweet Valley High needs slam books. They were all the rage at her school in Connecticut, and she thinks it’s high time Sweet Valley got with the program. She explains the concept to everyone at lunch, and everyone is all, “Yeah! I’m gonna go get my notebook right now!” But then Liz is all, “But guys, won’t someone get hurt?” and everyone boos her away from the table. Amy tells her not to worry because it’s all in good fun.

A. J. Morgan is the new guy at school and he’s the most gorgeous guy Jessica has ever seen. She’s actually flustered when she talks to him, blushing and everything. When everyone’s slam books list her as Biggest Flirt, she can’t believe it and doesn’t want A. J. to think of her that way. She decides she’s not going to be flirtatious anymore. She, Cara and Lila run into A. J. and Jessica gets all tongue-tied and doesn’t speak to him. Cara and Lila think it’s all part of her new “Not a Flirt” personality.

Olivia and Roger are having problems and they end up breaking up. Olivia and Jeffrey have been working together on a new literary magazine at school. Jeffrey’s going to do a photographic essay and take a bunch of pictures of a girl in transition from sadness to happiness. He wanted to use Liz as his model, but her face is too sunny and happy for the early shots. He thinks Olivia might work. Liz agrees with him. Then Jeffrey and Olivia start showing up in everyone’s slam books as Couple of the Future. Liz doesn’t mind until Jessica convinces her to be worried about it.

Jessica is actually really cute around A. J. She’s all uncoordinated and can’t stop blushing. At a basketball game, she screws up all the cheers and the pyramid because she can’t stop looking at A. J. Everyone is at the Dairi Burger after the game and Amy has her trusty slam book. She’s showing it to the guys and the newest entry under Couples of the Future is A. J. and Elizabeth. Jessica is horrified.

The next day, Jeffrey calls Liz and says he won’t be able to pick her up for the beach until two because he’s taking pictures of Olivia for the thing. Liz tries to keep calm, but then Cara comes over and tells her she saw Olivia with her arms around Jeffrey. Liz is pissed. She doesn’t want to be alone, so she goes to the beach with Cara and Jessica. Lila tells Liz to talk to Jeffrey and even offers to talk to him for her, but Liz isn’t having it. She just gives up and decides the relationship is over.

Liz sees A. J. playing volleyball down the beach and decides it would be fun to flirt with him to keep her mind off Jeffrey. Acting like she just woke up from a motorcycle accident-induced coma, Liz goes up to A. J. and gets to flirtin’. Everyone is looking at her like she’s nuts, except Jessica, who’s looking at her like she’s going to kill her. Jeffrey and Olivia get to the beach just as Liz is walking back to her towel. They apologize for taking so long, but Liz isn’t interested and says A. J. is about to teach her how to windsurf. She stalks off toward him and Jeffrey is upset. The girls tell him why Liz is so mad and he explains that Olivia had something in her eye and he was trying to help her and that must be what made Cara think they were making out. Lila says she’ll fix everything and even tells Jeffrey that if Liz doesn’t come crawling back in five minutes, she’ll take him out to an expensive restaurant. They all watch her try to talk to Liz, who just shakes her head and goes back to A. J. Lila is decidedly smirky when she tells Jeffrey they’ll have a strategy session over dinner that night.

Olivia goes to the Wakefields’ to talk to Liz about what happened, but only Jessica is home. Liz is out with A. J. Olivia tells Jessica she wants to find out who started pairing her with Jeffrey in the slam books. She thinks that person is the one responsible for the break up. Olivia and Jessica wrack their brains but can’t think of who would want to break them up. Uh, how about the person having dinner with Jeffrey right this very second?

A. J., who likes shy girls “like the ones back home in Atlanta,” has kind of gotten sick of Liz and her flirting. In fact, Jessica seems to be the only girl around who isn’t aggressively flirtatious. He tells her he wants to go out with her and she’s all happy about it, even though she knows she’s nothing like he thinks she is. What kind of jackass goes out with one twin and then just goes after the other?

Olivia and Jessica see Lila and Jeffrey together at school and figure out she’s probably the one who orchestrated this whole thing. But they want to be sure, so Jessica decides she’ll pretend to be Elizabeth the next day and collect everyone’s slam books and say she’s going to do a thing for “Eyes and Ears.” Because nothing’s better than a good old-fashioned and unnecessary twin switch. They find that Lila’s slam book is the only one that doesn’t have Olivia and Jeffrey listed as Couple of the Future. They bring their findings to Liz, who feels like a jerk and apologizes to Olivia for being so upset with her. Then she makes up with Jeffrey and everyone is friends again. The book drags on for a bit more while Mr. Collins throws a party to celebrate Olivia’s literary magazine being finished. A. J. and Jessica come to the party together and Jessica pretends to be interested in literature. Then Olivia and Liz make a new category in everyone’s slam books for Class Sneak. They write Lila’s name in every book as revenge for all the misery she caused over the last week. Sweet.

Quotes:

Elizabeth finished the juice with a slurp.

Seriously? Why do I need sentences like this in my life? Ugh.

“I can hardly sit down and say, ‘OK, Jeffrey, tell me why Cara happened to see you with your arms around Olivia today.’”

Why not?

The Cover: Wow, nice sweater, Jess! I don’t know who that ugly chick is writing in the notebook. I guess it could be Amy, but I thought Amy was way prettier than that.

And then, after all that, there’s this:

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: The Snow Ball and a party to kick off the carnival

Synopsis:

Liz and Enid have entered a contest to appear on a new trivia show, but Jessica and Amy copy their entry form and win the contest. Liz is pissed. Meanwhile, everyone’s getting all excited about the Winter Carnival. It’s a “special weekend” for juniors, seniors and SVH alumni at a ski resort an hour and a half outside Sweet Valley. Enid is co-chairperson of the committee organizing the dance that highlights the whole weekend. She thinks it’s just hilarious when Winston wants to call the dance the Snow Ball. That’s nothing. I once wound up at an event for optometrists called the Eye Ball. True story.

The cheerleading squad gets nominated for All-State while Liz gets only an Honorable Mention in some writing contest. Liz starts feeling jealous of Jessica. Then Jessica takes credit for a dinner Liz cooked and Liz gets even more upset, but of course she doesn’t speak up or anything. And then Liz has to cancel a date with Jeffrey because Jessica won’t be home to make the salad for dinner. A salad, you guys. And you know why Jessica won’t be home? She and Amy are studying for the trivia show and they go to the library to find out what the longest river in Africa is. How sad is that? When Jessica comes home and joins the rest of the family at dinner, she’s wearing one of Liz’s sweaters. And when Liz, for the first time ever, gets mad and calls Jessica out, her parents basically tell her to shut up because dinner conversation should be pleasant. Damn, we’re really piling it on thick here. Poor Liz. She confronts Jessica after dinner that night and Jessica promises to be more respectful. But then Jessica messes up a phone message for Liz that results in Mr. Collins’ son Teddy not getting the ride home Liz was supposed to give him. Liz is furious and lets Jessica know it. Jessica decides she can’t possibly be the only thing upsetting Liz so much; there must be something else bothering her.

Todd is coming to town to go to the carnival and also to attend some award banquet. He’s invited Liz to join him and she’s looking forward to it even though it means she won’t be able to make it to the carnival’s opening party with Jeffrey. But of course she doesn’t tell Jeffrey because she’s hoping the dinner will be moved to another night (interesting logic there). Todd calls and leaves a message with Jessica to tell Liz that dinner is definitely on Friday. Determined to get the message right, Jessica gives Liz the message but she does it right in front of Jeffrey. He gets all pissed off that Liz was sneaky, which I totally understand. Then Liz gets all pissed that he’s pissed and I hate everyone in Sweet Valley. They try to work it out, but Jeffrey wants Liz to break her date with Todd and Liz refuses.

Liz gets a note from Jeffrey in her locker. He’ll be at Las Palmas Canyon until six o’clock and would like Liz to meet him there. If she doesn’t show, he’ll “assume the worst.” Jessica and Amy are going to the television station for the trivia contest, but Jessica promises to have the car back by four-thirty. So Liz’s whole relationship relies on Jessica keeping a promise. I can see where this is heading. Jessica and Amy win the contest (how the fuck did they manage that?) and go out for pizza. Predictably, Jessica loses track of time. Liz is livid. But can we also be mad at Jeffrey? I mean, he didn’t ask her if she was free or anything, just kind of said, “I’ll be in this place at this time and if you don’t show up our relationship is over.”

Jessica wants to fix things, so when Todd gets into town she finds him and tells him what a big deal the carnival party is and implies he should let Liz off the hook with the award banquet so she can go. So Todd tells Liz she doesn’t have to go to the banquet and she gets all depressed that he doesn’t want to hang out with her. Jeez, there is just no pleasing this chick. Jessica sees that her plan isn’t working so she forges a note from Liz telling Jeffrey to meet her at the lodge that night at six-thirty, but she doesn’t have a chance to tell Liz because she and Amy miss the bus to Mont Blanc. They have to drive and Jessica gets there just in time to meet Jeffrey and pretend to be Liz. Someone sees them together and tells the real Liz, who assumes Jessica is moving in on her man. She gets all crazed and packs her stuff back up and goes home.

Jessica calls the house to explain and Liz hangs up on her. She’s totally pissed off, and just when she’s starting to get over her fierce twin worship, the police call to tell her Jessica has been in a car accident and is in the emergency room. Todd miraculously shows up and gives her a ride to the hospital. Jessica is dead. The next two weeks are horrible. Enid decides to have a small get-together at her house for Jessica’s closest friends. Jeffrey shows up and gets mad that Todd is there. They go outside to fight. And then Liz hears someone calling her name. It sounds like Jessica…

Liz wakes up. It was just a dream! Cara, Jeffrey, Jessica and Steven have made it safely back to Sweet Valley. Everyone who was fighting makes up and they all go back to the lodge the next day. Jeffrey even offers Todd a ride. They all have a wonderful time. Hooray!

I think a more appropriate title would have been “Before the Winter Carnival.” Nobody even shows up there until page 150.

Quotes:

If only Jessica had thought to ask her before–

Elizabeth squelched the disloyal thought before she could finish it. Jessica was Jessica, and that was all there was to it. Though she was only four minutes older than her identical twin, Elizabeth had always felt strangely protective of her. And she was annoyed with herself now for criticizing her sister’s behavior, even to herself.

Guys, this is page two. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through this book.

“My mom got me a beautiful dress. It’s strapless and glittery. Very ice-age,” Cara said with a giggle.

Ice-age? I don’t think that means what you think it means.

“You took my heart, girl, which was ice,” Dana sang, closing her eyes. “One look from you and I’m on fire, so let’s just listen to our hearts, girl. Lift our hearts up even higher…”

Is Dana a lesbian? Did I miss that somewhere? And man, what awful lyrics.

The Cover: “Hi, we’re the Wakefield twins! We’d like to welcome you to beautiful Mont Blanc, where there’s plenty of skiing and skating for everyone. If you visit Mont Blanc you’ll be as happy and beautiful as we are, so come on down!”

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: The book opens with a big party at the Morrows’ house and ends with a celebratory I-just-got-kidnapped party at the Wakefields’ house.

Synopsis: Okay, so the first thing that happens in this book is Jessica asking Steven to zip up her dress. Steven does so while wearing only a towel. I don’t know about anyone else, but my siblings and I would never interact with each other unless we were wearing clothes. Anyway…

The Morrow family just moved to town and they have two children: Regina, who is deaf, and Nicholas, who is handsome. They’re throwing a party for everyone, which is odd since they haven’t actually met anyone yet. But whatever. Jessica is determined to make Nicholas Morrow fall in love with her, so she barely notices when Liz never shows up to the party. It takes Todd pushing her into the pool to get her to notice something is wrong.

Liz, meanwhile, has been kidnapped. An orderly at the hospital where she works takes her from her car and brings her home with him. He does this because he’s in love with her because she’s always been so nice to him. I swear, the Wakefields need to start walking around with bodyguards if they’re going to continue to be so perfect and lovable all the time.

So Carl the orderly plans to keep Elizabeth with him forever and love her and squeeze her and call her George. There is absolutely no risk of sexual violation, of course, because that would be too far within the realm of realism and it only happens with people we know, like Bruce Patman. Elizabeth worries that he’s going to kill her, but he really just wants to be with her. Aww. Liz has trouble eating the frozen pancakes he makes her because they’re not like the homemade ones her mother makes. Spoiled brat. Shortly before Carl is to carry out his plan to take her to a secluded cabin someplace where nobody will ever find them, Todd and Jessica save the day. Elizabeth chooses to celebrate by throwing a party.

Right.

Quotes:

The stumble, the lack of response to Jessica-It was only natural to conclude that the Morrow girl was drunk.

Because you’d have to be intoxicated not to be enthralled with Jessica, you know.

A loud pounding on the door was followed by the arrival of the first friendly face she’d seen in almost forty-eight hours. “Are you all right?” the police officer asked.

“Now I am,” Elizabeth responded joyously as the officer began to untie her.

Not even untied yet and she’s over it. Nope, no post-traumatic stress here, not in Sweet Valley.

The Cover: Does anyone else think Liz looks like she’s posing for a pin-up calendar? What’s with the goofy “Oops, I’ve just been caught doing something naughty!” expression? I will say, though, that the ribbon in her hair is better than her usual barrettes. And it matches her shirt, naturally.

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: Everyone goes to the Beach Disco. I can’t decide if this is a party or a dance or what.

Synopsis: So, Annie Whitman lives with her single mother, who had Annie when she was only sixteen. You know what that means in Sweet Valley: trouble. Lack of a normal two-parent home has made Annie a slut. She goes out with a different boy every night. She probably even has sex, though it’s unclear. She and her mother live in an apartment, rather than a nice split-level ranch home. That’s how you know they aren’t the sort of people you want to hang around with. Mrs. Whitman’s boyfriend, a greasy jackass who flirts with Liz, lives there too.

Annie wants to be on the cheerleading squad more than anything in the world. But Jessica can’t let someone like that on the squad! What would everyone think? Most of the rest of the book consists of Elizabeth doing her damnedest to get Annie on the squad and Jessica trying equally hard to keep her off. All the while, Annie herself has no idea that she has a reputation that has earned her the nickname Easy Annie. Is she mentally challenged? How can she not know that if you go out with lots of different boys nobody wants to be friends with you? Wait, I seem to recall that Jessica goes out with lots of boys, too…

When Annie finds out she’s one of the eight finalists she tells Liz that she’s going to cut back on dating. She used to feel like she needed all that attention from boys, but now that she’s got cheerleading, she feels better about herself and blah, blah, blah. Really? It only takes sixty-two pages and a cheerleading tryout to undo all the whatever that made you that way in the first place?

Thrown in just for fun is a scene at Todd’s house. Elizabeth doesn’t want to tell him what’s bothering her for some reason and Todd gets all weird and accuses her of being interested in another guy. They make up on the next page. Todd’s mother is inexplicably baking a cake.

When it comes time to vote on the new cheerleaders, Jessica tells the squad she’ll quit if they vote Annie in. Annie has a fit about not being chosen and Ricky Capaldo tells her it was all Jessica’s doing. She disappears for a few days and then Ricky calls Liz to tell her Annie’s tried to kill herself. Seriously.

The twins race to the hospital where they meet Ricky. Jessica is feeling sorry for herself for having caused such a horrible thing. The doctor tells Mrs. Whitman that Annie has no will to live. Upon hearing this, Jessica tells the doctor everything, explaining her part in what happened. And instead of telling her that nobody can be blamed for a suicide except the victim, he tells her to tell Annie she can be a cheerleader.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Anyway…

So Annie’s on the squad, she and Ricky are boyfriend and girlfriend, Mrs. Whitman breaks up with her slimy boyfriend and everyone lives happily ever after. The end.

Quotes:

Elizabeth tried to imagine what life would be like without her mother and father. Impossible, that’s what! She was so proud of her tall, dark-haired, good-looking father…

Is it sad that the adjectives she uses to describe her father all pertain to his looks? Really, at sixteen, did we care in the least how attractive our parents were?

The Surfers’ Waves began whipping up a foam of music, and Todd and Elizabeth happily plunged into the rhythm…

*facepalm* Oh come on! I can’t decide if it would be better if this was done on purpose or not.

“How could they do this?” he snapped suddenly, sitting up. “What kind of stuck-up, mean kids could do this to a poor, scared girl?”

Jessica was crying now, tears running down her face.

Ricky saw her and slumped back into his chair. “Oh, no, Jess, I didn’t mean it. I – you – I don’t know what I’m saying!”

No, Ricky! Come on, give her hell! For once, someone knows for certain that Jessica really fucked up, but even when she’s caused an attempted suicide she’s too perfect to be called out on it.

“Mrs. Whitman, I don’t know why your daughter did this to herself, but she seems to have no will to live.”

Laughing hysterically, all I can think of is the doctor on South Park saying, “he needs more time.”

Jessica and the number 137

“The two of us together would be sensational!” she’d told Elizabeth at least a hundred and thirty-seven times. p. 2

The Cover: We have to talk about this cover. First of all, is that really Annie Whitman, the chick who’s supposed to be so beautiful that she turns heads wherever she goes? She looks like a reject from Fame or something. And what’s with Jessica’s expression? Either that’s her evil “I’ll get you, my pretty” face, or the artist started drawing Liz but threw a SVH cheerleading sweater on her when he found out what the tag line was going to be. And if you look carefully, you can see a tear rolling down Annie’s cheek. Go on, click on it. I linked it to a larger image just so you could see for yourselves.

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: Through the whole book we hear about the upcoming Bart dance (a dance that will follow the Barton Ames Memorial Mile race) and a party at Lila’s, but the book ends before either event happens.

Synopsis:

Jessica “drops a bombshell” on the family when she says she wants a job at Ned’s office. Ever since the acting debacle in the last book, she’s been thinking about her future and she’s decided she wants to be a lawyer. Lila is appropriately disgusted when Jessica tells her she’s actually going to work. She is similarly disgusted when Roger Barrett slips and falls right in front of her. Roger is mortified because he’s got a mega crush on Lila.

Bruce claims he’ll win the Bart race because he’s the best athlete in school (isn’t tennis the only thing he actually plays?) and he and Todd bicker about it. At the tryouts the next day, the whole school is present because they’ve all been excused from first period to watch. Yeah, that would never fly at any school I went to. Liz tries unsuccessfully to browbeat Roger into trying out (seriously, she wouldn’t let up and I wanted to smack her), but when Lila eggs him on he does it. He surprises everyone (except us) when he wins. Jessica remarks that Roger is going to be very popular if he wins the big race and may turn into someone Lila may want to be seen with. Lila dusts off her feminine charms and puts them to work on Roger.

But poor Roger has a dilemma. He’s super poor and has to work to keep his family fed. He’s sure his boss won’t give him time off to participate in the race so he doesn’t even ask. He also doesn’t tell anyone he won’t be able to make it, he just keeps failing to show up at practice. He’s enjoying his celebrity status too much to ruin everything. He’s so popular now! Lila even butters his roll for him at lunch. Really. Takes the bread and butter knife right out of his hand. I’m not even lying.

Meanwhile, Jessica hates her job. She seems surprised when she’s making copies and running errands instead of helping her father on cases. She’s about to quit on her first day until she meets a dreamboat named Dennis in the elevator. He works in the ad agency across the hall. He and Jessica start staying at the office after hours, making out. Liz, not believing Jessica’s sudden work ethic, goes to the office to spy on her one night. She finds out about Dennis and then sees Jessica run into Roger, who works in the office as a janitor. So now Roger and Elizabeth are both worried Jessica will blab Roger’s secret.

Liz tells Jessica that if she tells anyone about Roger, she’ll tell their parents about Dennis. Jessica agrees. She likes the idea of Lila dating a “cleaning boy” and comes up with a plan to get them together and then humiliate Lila. Unfortunately, Roger tells Lila the truth about not being able to run the race and about being poor before Jessica can put her plan in motion. Roger realizes Lila only liked him when he was a superstar.

But it turns out Roger can run the race after all! Liz talked to Ned, who talked to Roger’s boss, who then talked to Coach Schultz.  Coach tells the good news to Roger, who then finds Olivia, the female friend with a heart of gold who’s been rooting him on this whole time in silent but burning passion, and realizes she’s the one he loves.

Roger wins the race and then shoots Lila down when she comes crawling back inviting him to a party in his honor. Well played, Rog.

Oh, and it turns out Jessica’s new man is only fifteen years old. So she has to dump him.

Quotes:

“Liv, when are you going to start shopping at the mall like everyone else around here?”

“What? And be like everyone else? That’s not my style, Roger.”

I don’t get why Roger wants Olivia to be anything other than her skirt-wearing, rally-going, hippie self. What’s up with that, Roger?

The happiness she’d felt at Roger’s victory had faded quickly when she saw Lila make her play for him, and she was writing about her feelings.

I knew this kid once who would out of nowhere just go off and write. We’d be sitting around watching a movie or just talking and suddenly he’d stand up and head for the door with no explanation except, “I have to go write.” I hated that kid. I think I’d hate Olivia, too.

The way she figured it, by the end of the week he’d be hooked on her for sure and more than willing to pick her up at her house for a regular date.

You’re doing this all backwards, Jess. You go on dates before you start making out all the time. Ugh, this logic hurts my head.

“Imagine how humiliated she’d feel chauffeuring him around everywhere.”

Pascal – 1

Feminism – 0

Jessica and the Number 137:

“I’ve got at least three hundred and thirty-seven things to do.”

The Cover: Aw, Lila’s cute! I even like her sweater. Roger, who for no reason at all has a pair of huge Angela Lansbury glasses hanging out of his shirt, looks a little like Arnie in Christine:

The Big Deal: “Welcome home” party at the Wakefields’ and a “pickup party” at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Most of the first chapter (part of which is for some reason told from Liz’s perspective, even though she’s in a coma) consists of Jessica blabbering to a comatose Liz about how guilty she feels about what happened, blah, blah, blah. Then Liz wakes up and has turned into Jessica. Jess is fine with that until Liz returns to school and everyone thinks she’s Jessica.

Then out of nowhere, Ned mentions that the Percys are going to Europe and their children will be staying with the Wakefields. First of all, who the frak are the Percys? And why do they have twin girls? The twins are brunettes, so they’re described as fragile and bratty. Anyway, Liz goes out on a date and sticks Jessica with the kids.

All this time poor Todd is having trouble adjusting to his girlfriend being the town whore. It all comes to a head at a disastrous basketball game. As we all know, losing a game is the absolute worst thing that can ever happen in Sweet Valley. It’s like that scene in Pleasantville in which all the basketballs miss the net. Worst. Thing. Ever. This prompts the basketball coach to have a talk with Todd about how if Liz is acting different then something must be wrong.

Because Ned and Alice are the worst parents in the world, Jessica gets stuck taking the Percy twins to some flute audition, which causes her to miss a date. Then, because she’s frustrated, she has a fender bender in the Fiat. When Ned and Alice find out, the Percy twins lie for Jessica and keep her out of trouble so all’s good in the hood on that front.

Lila has a “pickup party,” which seems to be code for “be a slut and see who you end up with.” Liz leaves with Bruce, who is well on his way to date raping her when Todd shows up and punches him. The next weekend, Liz goes out with Bruce again while Jessica pretends to be Liz to go on a date with Bill Chase (Liz has double booked her Saturday night).

At the Patmans’ beach house, Liz and Bruce are about to get down when Liz falls and hits her head. She suddenly has no memory of anything since the hospital and doesn’t know why she’s with Bruce. Bruce, troubled young man that he is, threatens to rape her if she doesn’t give it up willingly. Liz runs out of the house and into the arms of Todd Wilkins, who just so happens to be right there. Everything is wonderful again.

Quotes:

“She’ll probably have all the work made up and a dozen stories written for The Oracle before I finish that one stupid book report on Moby Dick. I mean, Todd, who really cares about whales?”

Todd did, but he let the comment slide by.

I don’t know why, but this really cracked me up.

As soon as the Percy twins were settled in Steven’s room, Ned and Alice Wakefield left for a game of bridge.

There is so much wrong with this sentence. First, Ned and Alice drop this bombshell that these bratty twins are coming to stay for a few weeks, then as soon as they’re there, they leave? Second, we know their last name is Wakefield, you don’t have to mention it all the time. And last, bridge? A game of bridge? Really?

“Elizabeth, I hope you know that I’m a friend, not only a teacher and an adviser. And friends don’t dish out a lot of applesauce to each other.”

Oh, Mr. Collins. What does that mean? He says it twice in this book. It must be some ’80′s slang that I don’t know anything about.

“But I saw you two on the beach together. If you were with Bruce, who’s with Bill?”

Hmm, I don’t know, Todd. Let’s think about that one. *facepalm*

Jessica and the Number 137:

“I’m just wondering if Todd’s seen you in that nightgown. I bet it’d raise his temperature about a hundred and thirty-seven degrees!”

Why, she’s doing at least a hundred and thirty-seven things I usually do, Jessica raged inwardly.

“Who told you that?”

“You did, a hundred and thirty-seven times.”

The Cover: The cover and the synopsis on the back both want you to think the whole book is about waiting for Liz to wake up from her coma. She wakes up on page 12.

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: Enid’s sweet sixteen party

Synopsis:

For some reason Liz is afraid to tell Todd that she isn’t allowed to ride his new motorcycle. For once, Jessica is the voice of reason and tells Liz to just tell him what’s going on. She does and he understands. He offers to talk to Ned and Alice to see about getting the restriction lifted, but they say no. Todd promises them he’ll never let Liz on the bike.

Todd starts giving rides to other girls and Liz gets jealous. She talks to Mr. Collins, naturally, who tells her she needs to talk to Todd about how she’s feeling. Guy Chesney offers her a ride to the Dairi Burger, and on the way there he’s unexpectedly flirty with her. What’s that all about? Anyway, Todd gets jealous when Guy and Liz pull up and wants to know what his girl is doing getting a ride from another guy. Hypocrite. Liz tells Todd she was jealous too and they have a good laugh over how silly they’ve both been.

Todd ends up missing Enid’s sweet sixteen party and Liz is paranoid and angry. Then he finally shows up and tells her he’s so late because he was working out a deal with Crunch McAllister. He’s going to sell his bike. At this point, the party has migrated to some rock club and it’s so late that Liz has no way to get there except on Todd’s bike.

So of course they crash. Crunch is out driving around drunk and hits them. The bike is totaled, Todd is limping and Liz is in a coma. The Wakefields are super pissed at Todd for letting Liz on the motorcycle, but Jessica tells them Liz would never have gotten on the bike if she’d gone back to give Liz a ride like she was supposed to. She realizes she’s been a crappy sister all this time and vows to change. Yeah, right. We’ll see how long that lasts.

The book ends with Liz still in a coma. Sad times.

Oh, also in this book, we find out Enid is only fifteen. She’s been dating a college freshman. Nobody seems to think this is odd or weird or anything. This means that two years ago, when all that stuff happened with Enid and the drugs and stuff, she was thirteen. George would have been about seventeen. That ain’t right.

Quotes:

It was going to be another gorgeous day in Sweet Valley.

Do we really need this affirmation in every single book? Is it ever not a gorgeous day in Sweet Valley?

He hadn’t even had the consideration to break the date in advance, and the more she thought about it, the more she realized that she was, in effect, being stood up.

Seriously? The boy is out on a motorcycle, a “death machine” as you like to call it, and you’re sure he’s stood you up? I thought you were smarter than that, Liz.

The Cover:

Liz: OMG, this is, like, so totally awesome!

Todd: What? I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.