Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The moral of the story: Girls can do anything! Girl power!

The Big Deal: Big football game against Big Mesa

Synopsis:

Scott Trost, the guy who replaced Ken as quarterback after Ken’s “fatal” accident, is put on academic probation and can’t play football. Everyone starts asking Ken’s girlfriend, Terri, if Ken will be trying out for the open position. Terri is worried because Ken isn’t totally recovered from his head injury and his eyesight hasn’t returned completely. Ken and Terri go to the Dairi Burger and Ken spends the entire night talking to his adoring fans about the possibility of his playing football again. Terri is unhappy and realizes their relationship will change if Ken gets back on the team, but she acts like she’s just worried about his vision and stuff. She mentions these concerns to Ken in front of Winston, which pisses Ken off because nobody besides Terri knows he isn’t one hundred percent back to normal.

Liz does an interview for The Oracle with Claire Middleton, a new transfer student from Palisades High. Claire is really shy and doesn’t say much until Liz asks her about her hobbies. Then Claire brightens up and talks about football for a minute. Liz asks her about her family and Claire suddenly gets all withdrawn and shy again. Liz wonders if she has something to hide. Look, Liz, some people are just shy, okay? Back off. When she gets home, Liz asks Jessica what she thinks of Claire. Jessica says she’s been thinking of asking her to join Pi Beta Alpha. This surprises Liz. She’s sure Claire isn’t the sorority type because she seems like a tomboy. But then again, PBA has been under scrutiny lately for being “too exclusive” so Liz figures Jessica wants Claire to round things out. Jessica introduces herself to Claire after a football game and tries to be friendly, but Claire looks at Jessica’s cheerleading uniform and tells her cheerleading is sexist and she should play a real sport instead of just jumping around and screaming. Aw, hell naw. Claire is on Jessica’s shit list now.

Claire tells Coach Schultz she wants to try out for the team. He laughs at her and says she must be new to Sweet Valley. Jackass. Claire says she looked up some regulations and couldn’t find anything about girls on the football team. Coach says she can try out but warns her that she’ll probably get some teasing for it. At the first round of tryouts, Claire blows everyone away by actually being good. Terri thinks it’s great until she notices Ken noticing Claire. John Pfeifer doesn’t help by constantly saying, right in front of Terri, things like, “Claire looks pretty good in that uniform, eh, Ken?” When the first round is over, Liz tries to talk to Claire some more to expand on her previous interview, but Claire is just as close-mouthed as ever and doesn’t see why it should be a big deal that she likes football. I understand her sentiment, but she’s really rude about it. I’m getting the feeling that I’m supposed to be torn between rooting for Claire and rooting for Ken, but Claire’s a bitch and I don’t want her to make the team. But she will, I’m sure, because suddenly there are two quarterback positions open, first and second string.

Ken and Terri go to the Dairi Burger and Terri gets all upset when Claire comes in and Ken asks her to sit with them. Claire says she can’t, she’s just getting her food to go and her mom is in the car. Ken looks disappointed and Terri sits there feeling sorry for herself for a few minutes. Then Ken grabs his face and it’s obvious he’s having some kind of trouble with his eyes, but acts all stoic and manly when Terri asks him if he’s okay. Before the next round of tryouts, Terri goes to the girls’ locker room to put on some sweats and get some jogging in before all the chaos starts. She sees Claire staring at her open locker and crying. Taped to the inside of the locker door is a picture of a young man with a football. “To Claire,–with all my love, Ted,” is written on the picture. Claire notices Terri and slams her locker shut. During tryouts, Terri sees Ken stumble and she knows he lost his vision for a second. Later, she tries to tell him they have to talk about it, but he’s an idiot and tells her to quit mothering him because he doesn’t need her to take care of him anymore. He’s sure she just wants to keep him from playing football, which is ridiculous. Then he tells her to be more like Claire. Oh, NO he didn’t.

Terri helps Coach wrap things up and then goes to the locker room. She overhears the cheerleaders bitching about Claire. Jessica’s gotten them all riled up by telling them what Claire said about cheerleading. The whole squad has been charming a bunch of guys into pulling pranks on Claire. When Terri realizes they’re out for revenge, she tells them she’ll help them out. She tells them about the picture and Jessica and Amy decide to make up a cheer that ends with, “We know about Ted.” Oh, Terri, what have you done?

Liz is at home on Saturday morning, just sitting around revising her article about Claire, when Steve comes home, claiming he wants to see what all the fuss is about this girl football player. He glances at Liz’s article, sees the name Middleton and tells Liz about this football player at his college who died of a brain tumor recently. Guess what his name was? If you guessed “Ted Middleton,” you win.

At the final round of tryouts, Jessica and her band of catty bitches are all shocked when their new cheer makes Claire walk off the field. Liz and Steve go down to the field and ask the cheerleaders why they mocked Claire’s dead brother. They have no idea what she’s talking about and say the whole thing is Terri’s fault. So Liz demands Terri tell her what’s going on. Terri obliges, of course, and tells Liz everything. Liz says they need to go to Claire’s house right away and explain and try to convince her to talk to the coach about still letting her play. Liz! You don’t need to be involved in this! Terri goes to Claire’s alone. She apologizes and tells Claire she was jealous of her. Claire tells her Ken talks about Terri all day long. They call a truce on the condition that Claire will talk to the coach and Terri will talk to Ken. So Terri goes to Ken’s house and tells him how she’s been feeling. By lunchtime the next day, Ken and Terri are wonderful and Claire has apologized to the cheerleaders and is going to be second-string quarterback in the big game against Big Mesa.

At the Big Mesa game, Ken starts playing badly because his vision is coming and going. He tells Coach to take him out. Claire gets in the game and wins it. Of course.

In other news, Enid and her boyfriend, Hugh, have broken up. There’s a total of maybe five sentences dedicated to this development, but I thought you might be interested.

Quotes:

“Maybe they just had a fight,” Todd said. “You know how these things go. They’ll probably make up this weekend, and everything will be fine again.”

Well, I guess that strategy has worked out for you and Liz thus far.

Terri blushed and fidgeted uncomfortably with her clipboard. “I know it was dumb, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Elizabeth took a deep breath. “And would it still seem like a good idea to you if you knew that not only was Ted Claire’s older brother, but that he died of a brain tumor?”

Ugh, fuck off, Liz! I HATE this self-righteous attitude she cops during this whole scene.

The Cover: Something is very wrong with Claire’s hand. It’s way too big or long or something to be coming off that tiny little arm. And I don’t care what John Pfeifer says, Claire does not look hot in those shoulder pads.

The moral of the story: It’s wrong to be jealous and concerned when your boyfriend doesn’t answer his phone for a week and then you see him out with another girl. You’re just overreacting.

The Big Deal: Patty’s sister’s wedding

Synopsis:

Patty Gilbert, Sweet Valley’s token black girl, is excited that her boyfriend Jim is coming home from college for a weekend visit. She’s been feeling like their relationship is on the rocks lately, so she’s looking forward to spending time with him. Then she finds out her sister Jana is coming home the same weekend. Patty hasn’t seen Jana in six months so she tries to call Jim to tell him to come next weekend, but she can’t get him on the phone. When he gets to town, Patty tells him she’ll have to divide her time between him and Jana. Jim gets all pissed off and they have a fight and break up.

I’m bored already.

Patty races home in tears and is looking forward to seeing her sister and pouring her heart out to her, but when she gets home, Jana is there with a man named Ted. They’re engaged and want to get married in two weeks before Ted, who is in the Air Force, gets shipped off to West Germany. So now Patty thinks she can’t possibly burden Jana with her troubles. And yet another Sweet Valley girl takes it upon herself to keep her feelings quiet so as not to trouble someone else. Patty calls DeeDee to vent and DeeDee invites her to go out that night with her, Bill and some guy named Craig.

There’s a crafts fair going on at the mall and DeeDee is selling some T-shirts she designed. Jessica goes to the fair to try to meet some guys and says hello to DeeDee, who asks her to watch the booth for a minute while she gets some lunch. Come on, DeeDee, you never ask Jessica to do something for you. It always ends in disaster. Sure enough, as soon as DeeDee’s gone, the most gorgeous man Jessica’s ever seen approaches the booth and says he’s the owner of a store and would like to put the shirts on display there. He thinks Jessica is the artist and gets her name and number. Jessica feels guilty for a second, but she’s sure Vincent is really interested in her and not the shirts.

Patty goes out with DeeDee, Bill and Craig. They have a nice time, but Patty can’t stop thinking about Jim. They all go to a movie, and Patty thinks about Jim some more. Then, after the movie, she sees him in the theater lobby with another girl. She runs outside and DeeDee drives her home. Jim calls and tells her it’s not what she thinks, but Patty just yells at him. Jim tells her she’s a hypocrite. She was out with another guy, after all. Patty’s all pissed that he could possibly think she’s the one cheating and tells him she never wants to talk to him again. Then she cries about the demise of her relationship. Well done, Patty.

The next morning, Liz calls Patty for an interview for the school paper. I’m not sure why Patty’s being interviewed, but whatever. Liz’s spider sense is tingling and she makes Patty tell her what’s wrong and then invites her over for brunch. While they eat, Liz tells Patty to talk to Jim because it sounds like the whole thing is just a misunderstanding and his date might have been as innocent as Patty’s date with Craig. Feeling inspired, Patty drives by Jim’s house to talk to him. When she gets there, Jim and the same girl are playing Frisbee in the front yard. Patty keeps driving and goes home. She spends the next few days being pissy that she can’t get a hold of Jim and that her sister is so absorbed in wedding plans that she doesn’t even notice that Patty is upset about something.

Vincent finally calls Jessica and asks to see more T-shirts. Blah blah, Jessica’s in a bind, blah blah. When he doesn’t ask her out, she starts to worry that he’s actually interested in the shirts and not her. Jessica decides to make her own T-shirts.

DeeDee tells Patty to just talk to Jana about Jim because it will make her feel better. So Patty goes straight home after school and tells Jana she has a problem. Jana starts freaking out because she’s run into some wedding planning snags. Patty yells at her for being so self-absorbed. They have a fight and Patty says she doesn’t want to be Jana’s maid of honor anymore. Boy, she’s just making friends left and right these days.

Jessica mentions to Liz that she bought some earrings at the crafts fair from Jim’s cousin, who was visiting from L.A. Liz’s mind goes into overdrive to figure out that the girl Patty saw with Jim must be the visiting cousin. She goes to Patty’s, but Jana says she isn’t home. Liz tells Jana that Patty and Jim broke up and is shocked that Jana didn’t already know. Then Patty comes home and Liz tells her about Jim’s cousin. Patty writes Jim a letter, but then pushes it away, figuring he probably doesn’t want to hear from her. A few days later, Jana asks Patty for a ride to the bridal shop for her dress fitting. Patty grudgingly takes her and ends up going in with her. When she sees how pretty Jana looks in her dress, she suddenly doesn’t hate her anymore and they make up. Blargh. Patty tells Jana everything that’s been going on. Jana thinks Patty should send Jim the letter she wrote. Patty doesn’t think it’s a good idea, so Jana decides to send it. She calls Jim’s mother to get his address and finds out he’s been on a trip for his geology class and that’s why he hasn’t been answering Patty’s calls.

Jessica goes to meet Vincent at his store. When he and his partner get a look at her awful T-shirts, she ends up telling them that she wasn’t the real artist. Vincent gets DeeDee’s number from her and calls her to set up a meeting. He promises not to tell DeeDee that Jessica posed as the artist. And once again, Jessica gets away with one of her crazy stunts without consequence.

At Jana’s rehearsal dinner, Patty notices Ted leave early and not come back. She starts to worry that he’s not as good a guy as Jana thinks he is. The wedding is the next day, and as Patty is walking down the aisle, she sees Jim in the second pew. After the wedding, they make up and he explains that Ted came to pick him up the night before. They both try to claim responsibility for what happened, Patty says she’ll stop being so jealous and thinking the worst when Jim doesn’t answer her calls, and they seal their reconciliation with a kiss.

Quotes:

“Steal some time alone with Jana, whatever it takes. Once she hears about what happened with Jim, she’ll forget about the wedding for a change and help you with your problem.”

Clearly, DeeDee has never met a bride-to-be before.

The Cover: Doesn’t Patty look like a 1980s newscaster? And come on, Liz is hardly even in this book. Does she really need to be on the cover?

The moral of the story: Don’t baby-talk your boyfriend in front of Elizabeth Wakefield.

The Big Deal: Jessica’s Tofu-Glo party

Synopsis:

Jessica’s newest scheme to make a million dollars involves selling Tofu-Glo, “a line of beauty and health products made from soybeans.” Liz is skeptical, her “reporter’s instinct” on “red alert.” She acts encouraging, though, when she sees how serious Jessica is. Then Jessica asks to borrow fifty dollars for the starter kit. Liz hesitates, Jessica whines, Liz gives in. Just a regular day in Wakefield Land.

Liz goes to one of Jeffrey’s soccer games or practices or whatever. Aaron Dallas is on the team and he gets all bent out of shape over some call or other. Liz knows he’s having family problems but she’s fresh out of sympathy because she thinks he should at least try to control his temper. Or, more likely, she’s secretly jealous because Jeffrey is Aaron’s only remaining friend and he’s spending more time with Mr. Angry than with Liz. Either way, Liz isn’t her usual obnoxious self. Instead of wanting to help, she just wants Aaron to get over it and she doesn’t approve of Jeffrey’s unwavering loyalty. I guess only doormat twins are allowed to be unwaveringly loyal.

Jeffrey and Liz go on a double date with Aaron and his girlfriend Heather. Liz is a judgmental bitch all night. She doesn’t like Heather because she thinks she’s vapid, but it’s not like she gives her any kind of a chance at all. They go to Casey’s and Aaron starts yelling at his soccer team co-captain about the same call he was pissed about earlier. Jeffrey makes him sit back down at their table and Heather baby-talks at Aaron until he calms down. Liz is appalled at the baby-talk and it makes her hate Heather and Aaron even more. What the fuck is Liz’s problem? Is she PMSing or something?

Heather calls Liz for no reason I can figure out. I guess she’s going to be another one of those characters who are delusional enough to think the Wakefield twins are their best friends. While Liz is on the phone, Jessica makes her invite Heather to her Tofu-Glo party. Liz puts up a fight, but gives in. Of course. The party is a huge success and Jessica sells lots of crap. After Heather leaves, Liz tells everyone about the baby-talking and they all start making fun of poor Heather. Liz suddenly finds her conscience (which I think ran away because it was feeling overworked) and feels “deeply ashamed” for making fun of Heather behind her back. She’s not even worried about Heather finding out, she just can’t believe how malicious she just acted.

We get a quick peek inside Heather’s head and find out she was really embarrassed to baby-talk in front of Liz, but she did it because it calms Aaron down. Heather would like to be friends with Liz, but Liz is so poised and confident she makes Heather feel dumb and immature. She’s sure Liz doesn’t like her and it makes her feel bad. Liz is so awesome she makes other people feel bad for not making her love them. Heather also thinks about Aaron and how he’s starting to act like his dad.

At the next soccer practice, Aaron attacks a teammate and gives him a bloody nose. The coach suspends him for a few days and warns him that any more outbursts will get him kicked off the team. Liz writes an article for The Oracle about it, even though she knows Aaron won’t like it and Jeffrey will be mad at her. I don’t know why Liz thinks she’s a real reporter instead of a gossip columnist for a school paper.

Jessica is selling Tofu-Glo stuff like crazy, but then Cara calls and tells her the shampoo won’t rinse out of her hair. Jessica tests the products herself and has the same problem. And the facewash burns, so now she’s got sticky hair and a red face. People start calling, demanding their money back because Jessica stupidly offered a money back guarantee to everyone she sold to. Turns out she was supposed to keep the stuff refrigerated.

Liz’s article comes out. Jeffrey is super pissed and Aaron doesn’t even want to come near her. Only Heather thinks the article was a good idea. She tells Liz she thinks it might be good for Aaron to see what he’s doing to himself, and now that she’s properly kissed Liz’s ass, Liz doesn’t find her so unpleasant anymore. But she makes sure to tell herself it’s not just because Heather took her side. Yeah, right. Then she berates herself for being so snobby before.

Finally, it’s the day of the Big Game. Jeffrey and Liz have agreed to disagree about Aaron and are back to being as perfect together as always. They run into Aaron and Heather at lunch. Jeffrey steps up and asks Aaron to get over it and stop being so mad at Liz, but Aaron wants Liz to apologize for her article. The argument ends with Aaron punching Jeffrey in the face and then running out of the cafeteria. Heather runs after him and calms him down (without baby-talk this time) and manages to convince him he and his father both need professional help for their anger. Aaron is sure Jeffrey will never forgive him for hitting him. It turns out Aaron’s dad hit him once and Aaron never forgave him.

Aaron goes to Mrs. Green, the guidance counselor, and she solves everything. She gets the coach to let him stay on the team because it’s so important to him and she gives Aaron the number of a therapist he and his dad should go see. Sweet Valley beats Big Mesa in the big soccer game, just like we knew they would.

Oh, and Ned finds out there was some kind of lawsuit against Tofu-Glo and all the salesgirls are getting a settlement. Because the universe always makes sure things go Jessica’s way.

Quotes:

Like the time in the sixth grade, when [Jessica] was supposed to take care of a neighbor’s dog for a few days. But she managed to sneak off to a concert, and the dog ran away unnoticed. That was a nightmare!

I think this incident has been mentioned in every book since the appearance of Prince Albert. Can we all just get over it already?

“Oh–it’s just–well, all I can say is, I’d never do anything so–so déclassé,” she finished on a note of smug satisfaction.

Narrowing her eyes, Jessica glared at the phone in her hand. Where did Lila get off being so superior, using words like “déclassé”?

Lila can say shit like that ’cause she’s way cooler than you, Jess.

Liz: “Maybe I needed a little positive reinforcement from an authority figure.”

Mr. Collins: “Oh, please! Never call me that!”

Liz: “Okay…Thanks.”

Mr. Collins: -winks- “Anytime, Liz.”

Mr. Collins, you know you’re supposed to be an authority figure, right? You’re probably not supposed to hang out with junior girls and flirt with them.

“Do you believe me now?” Elizabeth asked, her voice gentle. There was no satisfaction in being proven right.

Yeah, right. Why ask, then? Jeffrey just got punched in the face by his best friend, so I’m assuming he now believes you about Aaron’s temper. No need to do the I-told-you-so thing. Ugh, I always hate Liz, but I hate her more than usual in this book.

Jessica and the Number 137:

“I bet I can sell a hundred and thirty-seven tons of the stuff.”

“A hundred and thirty-seven wild horses couldn’t make you fetch.”

The Cover: Jeffrey and Liz both have Village of the Damned eyes and they’re creeping me out. No wonder Aaron wants to punch them.

The moral of the story: Something horrible could happen to your sister, so it’s best to let her walk all over you your whole life. Hey, at least she’s alive!

The Big Deal: The Snow Ball and a party to kick off the carnival

Synopsis:

Liz and Enid have entered a contest to appear on a new trivia show, but Jessica and Amy copy their entry form and win the contest. Liz is pissed. Meanwhile, everyone’s getting all excited about the Winter Carnival. It’s a “special weekend” for juniors, seniors and SVH alumni at a ski resort an hour and a half outside Sweet Valley. Enid is co-chairperson of the committee organizing the dance that highlights the whole weekend. She thinks it’s just hilarious when Winston wants to call the dance the Snow Ball. That’s nothing. I once wound up at an event for optometrists called the Eye Ball. True story.

The cheerleading squad gets nominated for All-State while Liz gets only an Honorable Mention in some writing contest. Liz starts feeling jealous of Jessica. Then Jessica takes credit for a dinner Liz cooked and Liz gets even more upset, but of course she doesn’t speak up or anything. And then Liz has to cancel a date with Jeffrey because Jessica won’t be home to make the salad for dinner. A salad, you guys. And you know why Jessica won’t be home? She and Amy are studying for the trivia show and they go to the library to find out what the longest river in Africa is. How sad is that? When Jessica comes home and joins the rest of the family at dinner, she’s wearing one of Liz’s sweaters. And when Liz, for the first time ever, gets mad and calls Jessica out, her parents basically tell her to shut up because dinner conversation should be pleasant. Damn, we’re really piling it on thick here. Poor Liz. She confronts Jessica after dinner that night and Jessica promises to be more respectful. But then Jessica messes up a phone message for Liz that results in Mr. Collins’ son Teddy not getting the ride home Liz was supposed to give him. Liz is furious and lets Jessica know it. Jessica decides she can’t possibly be the only thing upsetting Liz so much; there must be something else bothering her.

Todd is coming to town to go to the carnival and also to attend some award banquet. He’s invited Liz to join him and she’s looking forward to it even though it means she won’t be able to make it to the carnival’s opening party with Jeffrey. But of course she doesn’t tell Jeffrey because she’s hoping the dinner will be moved to another night (interesting logic there). Todd calls and leaves a message with Jessica to tell Liz that dinner is definitely on Friday. Determined to get the message right, Jessica gives Liz the message but she does it right in front of Jeffrey. He gets all pissed off that Liz was sneaky, which I totally understand. Then Liz gets all pissed that he’s pissed and I hate everyone in Sweet Valley. They try to work it out, but Jeffrey wants Liz to break her date with Todd and Liz refuses.

Liz gets a note from Jeffrey in her locker. He’ll be at Las Palmas Canyon until six o’clock and would like Liz to meet him there. If she doesn’t show, he’ll “assume the worst.” Jessica and Amy are going to the television station for the trivia contest, but Jessica promises to have the car back by four-thirty. So Liz’s whole relationship relies on Jessica keeping a promise. I can see where this is heading. Jessica and Amy win the contest (how the fuck did they manage that?) and go out for pizza. Predictably, Jessica loses track of time. Liz is livid. But can we also be mad at Jeffrey? I mean, he didn’t ask her if she was free or anything, just kind of said, “I’ll be in this place at this time and if you don’t show up our relationship is over.”

Jessica wants to fix things, so when Todd gets into town she finds him and tells him what a big deal the carnival party is and implies he should let Liz off the hook with the award banquet so she can go. So Todd tells Liz she doesn’t have to go to the banquet and she gets all depressed that he doesn’t want to hang out with her. Jeez, there is just no pleasing this chick. Jessica sees that her plan isn’t working so she forges a note from Liz telling Jeffrey to meet her at the lodge that night at six-thirty, but she doesn’t have a chance to tell Liz because she and Amy miss the bus to Mont Blanc. They have to drive and Jessica gets there just in time to meet Jeffrey and pretend to be Liz. Someone sees them together and tells the real Liz, who assumes Jessica is moving in on her man. She gets all crazed and packs her stuff back up and goes home.

Jessica calls the house to explain and Liz hangs up on her. She’s totally pissed off, and just when she’s starting to get over her fierce twin worship, the police call to tell her Jessica has been in a car accident and is in the emergency room. Todd miraculously shows up and gives her a ride to the hospital. Jessica is dead. The next two weeks are horrible. Enid decides to have a small get-together at her house for Jessica’s closest friends. Jeffrey shows up and gets mad that Todd is there. They go outside to fight. And then Liz hears someone calling her name. It sounds like Jessica…

Liz wakes up. It was just a dream! Cara, Jeffrey, Jessica and Steven have made it safely back to Sweet Valley. Everyone who was fighting makes up and they all go back to the lodge the next day. Jeffrey even offers Todd a ride. They all have a wonderful time. Hooray!

I think a more appropriate title would have been “Before the Winter Carnival.” Nobody even shows up there until page 150.

Quotes:

If only Jessica had thought to ask her before–

Elizabeth squelched the disloyal thought before she could finish it. Jessica was Jessica, and that was all there was to it. Though she was only four minutes older than her identical twin, Elizabeth had always felt strangely protective of her. And she was annoyed with herself now for criticizing her sister’s behavior, even to herself.

Guys, this is page two. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through this book.

“My mom got me a beautiful dress. It’s strapless and glittery. Very ice-age,” Cara said with a giggle.

Ice-age? I don’t think that means what you think it means.

“You took my heart, girl, which was ice,” Dana sang, closing her eyes. “One look from you and I’m on fire, so let’s just listen to our hearts, girl. Lift our hearts up even higher…”

Is Dana a lesbian? Did I miss that somewhere? And man, what awful lyrics.

The Cover: “Hi, we’re the Wakefield twins! We’d like to welcome you to beautiful Mont Blanc, where there’s plenty of skiing and skating for everyone. If you visit Mont Blanc you’ll be as happy and beautiful as we are, so come on down!”

The moral of the story: You can get away with plagiarism, but only if you’re a handsome football player.

The Big Deal: Centennial picnic.

Synopsis:

This book is supposed to be about Ken Matthews’ girlfriend Suzanne Hanlon and how she wants to change Ken, but she’s hardly even in the book. It’s more about Ken’s English assignment.

For some reason I will never understand, Jessica is in charge of organizing Sweet Valley’s centennial picnic. She asks Liz to do the kissing booth and Liz agrees. I guess she’s looking for love now that Todd is gone. Liz thinks the picnic will be a much needed celebration, especially if Sweet Valley doesn’t win the big football game, a likely possibility since Ken Matthews won’t be able to play if he fails English. Liz offers to help him with his next assignment. She gives him one of her short stories to study, complete with notes and outlines.

Ken has dinner with his rich girlfriend’s family. Suzanne’s father says something about dumb jocks and Ken gets upset and starts to wonder if he is in fact a dumb jock. (Yes, you are.) He knows people think his relationship with Suzanne is strange because she’s all rich and sophisticated, but he sees Bruce and Regina on his way home (because Suzanne lives in the same rich part of town as them) and thinks that if they can make it work, so can he and Suzanne. Ken really is stupid though. He knows that if he doesn’t do well on this assignment he’ll fail English and won’t be able to play football, but every time Suzanne asks him to go out he just goes rather than work on his paper. Dumbass. Ken ends up turning Liz’s story in as his own.

Liz goes to a poetry reading organized by Suzanne. She likes Winston’s and Olivia’s poems, but nobody else’s. Interesting that the only ones she likes are her friends’. Liz reads a poem she wrote about her mother and of course it’s everyone’s favorite. Blah.

Mr. Collins loves “Ken’s” short story so much he decides it should be printed in the special centennial edition of The Oracle. Nobody asks Ken what he thinks before Penny makes copies of the story and starts handing it out. Liz reads it and is outraged. She’s fucking stupid though and doesn’t want to tell Mr. Collins that Ken plagiarized her story until she talks to Ken first. She tries to persuade the newspaper staff not to print the story, but they all think it’s so brilliant and she can’t convince them. Oh, I just hate her. If that was me I’d be all, “That bastard stole my story.” I sure wouldn’t be just sitting around waiting for him to turn himself in. Liz confronts him. He apologizes and says he’s going to tell Mr. Collins the truth, and suddenly Liz isn’t angry anymore.

Ken is on his way to see Mr. Collins when Suzanne appears at his side. She just heard about Ken’s story getting printed and she’s so proud of him that he doesn’t want to disappoint her. He suddenly decides he has to tell this whole thing from his side. He goes home and starts typing his own story. Too bad he couldn’t do that a few days ago. He works on the story all weekend and on Monday morning makes Liz read it and then put it in the paper in place of her story. Ken’s new story is about stealing someone’s paper and passing it off as his own and it’s obvious to everyone that it’s all true. He gets called to the principal’s office and Chrome Dome tells him that normally he would be given a failing grade in English and three days’ suspension, but that in this case there seem to be extenuating circumstances. Like what? Cheater couldn’t write his own paper so he stole someone else’s. What extenuating circumstances make that acceptable? Oh, it’s because he turned himself in. And because they need him to play football or they’ll lose the big game. Since the second story would have gotten an A if it had been turned in on time, Mr. Collins accepts it and gives it a C, which is high enough to let Ken play in the big football game. Way to play favorites with your jocks, Chrome Dome. Suzanne breaks up with Ken when she finds out he cheated on his assignment, but the rest of the school just loves him more for being so honest. After Ken wins the big game, Suzanne apologizes and then immediately tries to make Ken go to the library with her instead of to the picnic. He’s not interested.

Jessica screws up with the catering company and has to make a ton of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the picnic, but it works out because it means more money for whatever charity this whole thing is for. Wakefields always win. The end.

Quotes:

Mrs. Wakefield looked especially beautiful that day, Elizabeth reflected, probably because she had had a chance to relax, having taken a day off.

I wish taking a day off work was all it took to make me look especially beautiful.

The story – her story with Ken’s name on it – sat on top of the pile of papers. Elizabeth had no choice but the let The Oracle print it, although it would forever color how she felt about Ken.

You stupid bitch, of course you have a choice. Fucking tell somebody!

“You see, Suzanne, history lectures bore me, art films bore me, your friends bore me, and, if you want to know the truth, I guess you bore me, too.”

Damn, that was harsh. Kind of awesome, though.

The Cover: What is wrong with Ken? Seriously, he looks like one of those dramatic paintings of Jesus that scared the crap out of me when I was little. Suzanne’s cute, I guess. Notice the pearls.

The moral of the story: If you and your friend are fighting over a guy, just let your friend have him. He’d probably try to rob you at knifepoint anyway, and who needs that hassle?

The Big Deal: Party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Lila’s having a party as an excuse to show off for her newest crush, Jack. As soon as Jessica sees him she decides she wants him for her own so she goes out of her way to be as slutty as possible and get him interested in her. When he says he’s just a construction worker Jessica backs off, but he later tells Lila he was born rich but wanted to strike out on his own. Lila is overjoyed that her crush isn’t just some manual laborer. She promises to keep his secret, but she can’t resist telling Cara. And Cara, of course, can’t resist telling everyone else. Jack meets Nicholas Morrow at the party. Nicholas thinks Jack looks familiar, which makes Jack uncomfortable.

Lila’s father is furious with her for throwing a party in his absence because all his gold cufflinks and tie clips have disappeared. Jessica is pissed that Jack actually made a date with Lila for Friday, but she gets over it when he asks her to go out with him Wednesday. Bruce’s father is feuding with Lila’s father again. Liz is crabby because she’s doing a ton of extra work for The Oracle while Penny Ayala is out with mono. Also, Liz doesn’t like Jack because she’s just got a funny feeling about him. (Liz is now a psychic and a do-gooder.) Jessica goes out with him anyway and thinks she’s in love, but then so does Lila. Jessica is pissed that he actually spent the weekend with Lila instead of just taking her out to be nice like she’d thought he would. She’s determined to make him forget all about Lila.

Jack shows up to take Jessica out again. Liz notices that his eyes are red and he seems out of it, but she’s satisfied with his explanation that he’d been swimming and the chlorine irritated his eyes. Liz is so vanilla. At the movie theater, Jessica wants to treat Jack to popcorn, but her wallet is missing from her purse. Hmm, things seem to disappear whenever Jack is around…

Meanwhile, someone has been leaving photographs at The Oracle office. Nobody knows who it is, but the pictures are great and Penny wants Liz to find out who the photographer is so she can put him or her on the newspaper staff. Liz is staying late at the office one night and finds out the “phantom photographer” is Penny’s freshman sister Tina. She begs Liz not to tell Penny because Penny’s the talented one and blah, blah, who fucking cares? This storyline’s only purpose is to get Liz to see a picture of Enid’s boyfriend George making out with Robin Wilson. This knowledge of course ruins her life for a few days because she can’t eat or sleep or enjoy dates with Todd while she’s worrying about her best friend. She decides to confront George and Robin at the airfield after they receive their pilot’s licenses (setup for the next book: George has a pilot’s license). She finds out George is planning on breaking up with Enid that night and Robin broke up with her boyfriend Allen that morning. Anyway…

Lila gets sick and has to cancel a date with Jack. She calls him on her powder blue princess phone.

Her phone kind of gets mentioned a lot in this book. Jack calls Jessica and tells her he broke up with Lila and wants to take her out. They go to Guido’s (best pizza in California – maybe even the whole country!) and Jack kind of freaks out when Nicholas Morrow comes in with David, a friend from back home. Jack and Jessica leave and Nicholas and David start talking. They realize Jack went to prep school with them. He robbed a girl at knifepoint and got expelled. Knowing Jessica might be in danger, they find Liz and the three of them go searching for where Jessica and Jack might have gone. Liz resorts to calling Lila to get Jack’s address and ends up telling her Jessica and Jack have been seeing each other and that Jack is a piece of crap anyway.

At Jack’s apartment, Jessica goes snooping under the bathroom sink and finds a box full of drugs, “all kinds of drugs.” She takes it into the living room to confront Jack and finds him looking through her bag. She yells at him and he starts strangling her. Just as he tells her he has to make sure she “won’t talk,” Liz, Nicholas and David show up and break down the door and save the day.

Quotes:

“I didn’t know Robin could write like this.”

“She used to write all the time,” Elizabeth explained, “before she lost all that weight. Remember? When she was the butt of everyone’s jokes instead of the girl all the boys want to date?”

Penny nodded her head.

“She used to write because she needed some kind of outlet, a bit of comfort,” Elizabeth continued. “Then when her life did that turnaround and she got onto the cheering squad and everything, she gave it up. I’m trying to encourage her to start again.”

Where in the hell did this come from? I guess only overweight people can write? Also, Liz, way to not let anyone forget that Robin used to be unpopular and miserable. I’m sure she appreciates that. And, just, ugh. Quit interfering. Nobody asked for your help, you meddlesome bitch. (I’ve really been chugging the Haterade today.)

It wasn’t that she couldn’t count on her boyfriend to keep any secret she told him; on the contrary, she trusted him completely. But if Enid didn’t know about George and Robin, Elizabeth didn’t feel she had the right to tell anyone else about them. Even Todd.

Oh, shut up, Liz. If that was me, you know the first thing I’d do is tell my boyfriend about it.

Jessica seated herself tensely on the edge of one of the chairs. She’d never been in an apartment quite this gloomy before.

I don’t think Jessica’s ever been in any apartment before. Only poor losers live in apartments in Sweet Valley.

Jessica and the Number 137:

Hooray! It’s been a while since she’s said it.

“If I’d known you were going to throw a hundred and thirty-seven fits, I wouldn’t have put the dress on in the first place.”

The Cover: Man, Lila is so much prettier than Jessica. And so calm and cool, as opposed to Jessica, who is clearly about to start a fight. If I was a dude, I’d totally choose Lila over Jessica’s skanky ass.

The moral of the story: It’s best to just ignore any sad and lonely people you might come into contact with. You might make them fall in love with you and then they’ll kidnap you and feed you frozen pancakes.

The Big Deal: The book opens with a big party at the Morrows’ house and ends with a celebratory I-just-got-kidnapped party at the Wakefields’ house.

Synopsis: Okay, so the first thing that happens in this book is Jessica asking Steven to zip up her dress. Steven does so while wearing only a towel. I don’t know about anyone else, but my siblings and I would never interact with each other unless we were wearing clothes. Anyway…

The Morrow family just moved to town and they have two children: Regina, who is deaf, and Nicholas, who is handsome. They’re throwing a party for everyone, which is odd since they haven’t actually met anyone yet. But whatever. Jessica is determined to make Nicholas Morrow fall in love with her, so she barely notices when Liz never shows up to the party. It takes Todd pushing her into the pool to get her to notice something is wrong.

Liz, meanwhile, has been kidnapped. An orderly at the hospital where she works takes her from her car and brings her home with him. He does this because he’s in love with her because she’s always been so nice to him. I swear, the Wakefields need to start walking around with bodyguards if they’re going to continue to be so perfect and lovable all the time.

So Carl the orderly plans to keep Elizabeth with him forever and love her and squeeze her and call her George. There is absolutely no risk of sexual violation, of course, because that would be too far within the realm of realism and it only happens with people we know, like Bruce Patman. Elizabeth worries that he’s going to kill her, but he really just wants to be with her. Aww. Liz has trouble eating the frozen pancakes he makes her because they’re not like the homemade ones her mother makes. Spoiled brat. Shortly before Carl is to carry out his plan to take her to a secluded cabin someplace where nobody will ever find them, Todd and Jessica save the day. Elizabeth chooses to celebrate by throwing a party.

Right.

Quotes:

The stumble, the lack of response to Jessica-It was only natural to conclude that the Morrow girl was drunk.

Because you’d have to be intoxicated not to be enthralled with Jessica, you know.

A loud pounding on the door was followed by the arrival of the first friendly face she’d seen in almost forty-eight hours. “Are you all right?” the police officer asked.

“Now I am,” Elizabeth responded joyously as the officer began to untie her.

Not even untied yet and she’s over it. Nope, no post-traumatic stress here, not in Sweet Valley.

The Cover: Does anyone else think Liz looks like she’s posing for a pin-up calendar? What’s with the goofy “Oops, I’ve just been caught doing something naughty!” expression? I will say, though, that the ribbon in her hair is better than her usual barrettes. And it matches her shirt, naturally.

The moral of the story: No motorcycles! Motorcycles=death!

The Big Deal: Enid’s sweet sixteen party

Synopsis:

For some reason Liz is afraid to tell Todd that she isn’t allowed to ride his new motorcycle. For once, Jessica is the voice of reason and tells Liz to just tell him what’s going on. She does and he understands. He offers to talk to Ned and Alice to see about getting the restriction lifted, but they say no. Todd promises them he’ll never let Liz on the bike.

Todd starts giving rides to other girls and Liz gets jealous. She talks to Mr. Collins, naturally, who tells her she needs to talk to Todd about how she’s feeling. Guy Chesney offers her a ride to the Dairi Burger, and on the way there he’s unexpectedly flirty with her. What’s that all about? Anyway, Todd gets jealous when Guy and Liz pull up and wants to know what his girl is doing getting a ride from another guy. Hypocrite. Liz tells Todd she was jealous too and they have a good laugh over how silly they’ve both been.

Todd ends up missing Enid’s sweet sixteen party and Liz is paranoid and angry. Then he finally shows up and tells her he’s so late because he was working out a deal with Crunch McAllister. He’s going to sell his bike. At this point, the party has migrated to some rock club and it’s so late that Liz has no way to get there except on Todd’s bike.

So of course they crash. Crunch is out driving around drunk and hits them. The bike is totaled, Todd is limping and Liz is in a coma. The Wakefields are super pissed at Todd for letting Liz on the motorcycle, but Jessica tells them Liz would never have gotten on the bike if she’d gone back to give Liz a ride like she was supposed to. She realizes she’s been a crappy sister all this time and vows to change. Yeah, right. We’ll see how long that lasts.

The book ends with Liz still in a coma. Sad times.

Oh, also in this book, we find out Enid is only fifteen. She’s been dating a college freshman. Nobody seems to think this is odd or weird or anything. This means that two years ago, when all that stuff happened with Enid and the drugs and stuff, she was thirteen. George would have been about seventeen. That ain’t right.

Quotes:

It was going to be another gorgeous day in Sweet Valley.

Do we really need this affirmation in every single book? Is it ever not a gorgeous day in Sweet Valley?

He hadn’t even had the consideration to break the date in advance, and the more she thought about it, the more she realized that she was, in effect, being stood up.

Seriously? The boy is out on a motorcycle, a “death machine” as you like to call it, and you’re sure he’s stood you up? I thought you were smarter than that, Liz.

The Cover:

Liz: OMG, this is, like, so totally awesome!

Todd: What? I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.