Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: Hey, all you foster kids. Don’t make any rash decisions about letting people adopt you. Your real parents are probably out there looking for you.

Synopsis:

The Unicorns need to raise money to sponsor a dance, so they decide to collect recipes from their favorite celebrities and sell them in a celebrity cookbook. Jessica volunteers Liz and her typewriter, and because Liz has no choice but to succumb to Jessica’s every whim, she agrees. She’s supposed to call Mr. Bowman to get some information for her Career Day article, but she has Jessica call him instead while she types Jessica’s letter to Parker Smith. Naturally, Jessica doesn’t write anything down, and she gets all the names and dates wrong when she relays the information to Liz. Blah blah blah, Liz has to stay up all night retyping her article after Mr. Bowman tells her everything is wrong.

Mary Giaccio has been hanging around the Wakefield house a lot lately. Jessica is irritated because it seems like Mary would rather hang out with Mrs. Wakefield than with Jessica. Mary invites herself over almost every day. Jessica pretends to be sick one day just so she can tell Mary she can’t come over, but she just comes home with Liz instead. Jessica’s getting pissed. Liz notices Mary’s obsession with Mrs. Wakefield, too, and she reluctantly agrees when Jessica asks her not to invite Mary over anymore.

After a few days of making up excuses whenever Mary invites herself over, Liz goes ahead and tells her the truth, that Mary follows Mrs. Wakefield around all the time and it’s weird. Mary spends a few days being depressed, and then she gives Jessica her bracelet so they can be friends again. Mary’s had this bracelet for as long as she can remember, and Jessica has always admired it.

And that’s how it comes to pass that Mary and Jessica are hanging out at the Wakefield house when they spill grape juice on the “ditto master” of the school newspaper. Instead of telling Liz what happened, they decide to fix it themselves, changing headlines as Jessica sees fit and misspelling words all over the place. Ned Wakefield comes home that night and says Mary’s foster mother called him that day. She and her husband are interested in adopting Mary and they want to know the legal process. Now Ned is an adoption lawyer. Jessica thinks this is wonderful news and she knows just how to spread the word. She sneaks the newspaper into her room and handwrites a line about Mary getting adopted in the gossip column.

Mary is horrified when the paper comes out, and so is Liz. Mary tells Liz she could never let anyone adopt her because she’s sure her real mother is out there somewhere, looking for her. When Mary was little, her mother left her in the care of a friend while she went to Florida to care for her sick grandmother. The friend took Mary to California and then abandoned her. The authorities took Mary and put her in foster care, and nobody’s been able to find Mary’s mother in the last seven years.

Until one day…

Liz is sitting outside the school waiting for Amy when a woman who looks just like her mother shows up. She’s looking for Mary. Liz knows Mary is at home with Jessica, so she takes this strange woman to her house. Liz, didn’t anyone ever tell you about STRANGER DANGER? Anyway, Liz figures out this woman is Mary’s mother.

So, big reunion. Lots of hugging. Mary’s mother is so enchanted with Sweet Valley that she decides to move there. The celebrity cookbook is a success and the school newspaper wins a contest. Just another day in Sweet Valley.

Quotes:

“Hi, Amy and Elizabeth,” interrupted Lois. She lumbered over to the stage.

Fat people have to “lumber” around. Because, you know, they’re fat.

The Cover: Liz, wipe that smug off your face. You did not find Mary’s mother for her. And can we discuss Mary’s hair for a moment? It looks like a mop.

The Moral of the Story: Johnny Buck does not love you.

The Big Deal: Johnny Buck concert

Synopsis:

Super rock star Johnny Buck is coming to Sweet Valley, but Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield won’t let the twins go because they’re too young. Liz, ever the optimist, decides she’ll just have to be the best daughter ever so maybe her parents will let her go to the next concert. But Jessica wants to go to this one, dammit. She starts thinking of ways to earn the money for a ticket. She’s determined to get Johnny to sign the cap he threw to her from his hotel window when he was in town last year.

Some old woman named Mrs. Bramble needs someone to watch her dog for a few days, and Jessica thinks this is the perfect job for her even though she’s terrified of dogs. As you can expect, the second Jessica gets the dog home, she totally ignores it and lets the rest of the family take care of it. Meanwhile, she’s telling all her friends that she’s meeting Johnny Buck after the show and that he’s all excited to be an honorary Unicorn.

Jessica manages to avoid Sally the dog until Saturday morning, when nobody else is home. She walks Sally and then starts looking for something to wear to the concert that night. She settles on the brand new dress Elizabeth was going to wear to the sixth grade dance, along with the gold hoop earrings Liz bought their mother for her birthday.

Mrs. Bramble calls and says her bus has been delayed and she won’t make it back to Sweet Valley until later that night. Jessica freaks out because there’s nobody home to watch Sally. She tethers Sally to a tree in the backyard and leaves, and as soon as she’s gone, Sally darts after a stupid cat and Jessica’s knot comes undone. When Liz gets home and discovers Sally is missing, she calls Amy in a panic and they both search the neighborhood for the dog. They don’t find her, and Mrs. Wakefield is home when they get back to Liz’s house.

Because Jessica was deceitful and this is a children’s book, she has a terrible time at the concert. She leaves her seat to get closer to the stage, and loses sight of Lila in the crowd. When she gets near the front, she notices a bunch of other girls with caps exactly like the one Johnny threw to her. Believe it or not, Jessica thought Johnny had singled her out and thrown her that hat because he loved her or something, so she’s totally humiliated when she realizes he’s been handing them out all over the place. She never does get his autograph, and she mopes all the way home.

Mrs. Wakefield is furious that Jessica was so irresponsible as to leave Sally alone just so she could “go to Lila’s and hang out,” and she has to explain things to Mrs. Bramble when she shows up to get her dog. Alice wants to go to the Fowlers’ to get Jessica and make her help look for Sally, but Liz doesn’t want Jessica to get in trouble for sneaking off to the Johnny Buck concert. She suggests they go to Mrs. Bramble’s house first to see if maybe Sally made her way home.

Sally is, in fact, at Mrs. Bramble’s house. Mrs. Wakefield insists on going to get Jessica and making her apologize. Liz knocks on Lila’s door and gets pissed when she sees Jessica wearing her dress and only one of her mother’s earrings. She still doesn’t tell her mother what Jessica did, and she warns Jessica that she’s going to have to pay Mrs. Bramble her $25 back.

At Mrs. Bramble’s house, Jessica starts crying and she confesses everything to Mrs. Bramble, who takes pity on her. She tells Jessica she can tell her mother she refused to take the money, but Jessica will have to pay it back by walking Sally every day for the next month. All’s well that ends well.

Quotes:

Elizabeth couldn’t bear to see her twin punished, even when she deserved it!

Why not?

The Cover: I like the tagline: Will Elizabeth tell her parents if Jessica sneaks out to the rock concert? The answer is no. It’s always no.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: Having bad taste in guys will get you arrested.

The Big Deal: Another big fire

Synopsis:

Jessica is totally disgusted about Lila and Steve (who wouldn’t be?). Liz drags her upstairs before she can make a scene, so Jessica doesn’t see Lila until the next morning. She tries to convince her friend that Steve is all wrong for her because he’s a “burgers-and-baseball kind of guy.” Lila doesn’t care. Jessica tells her she’s just going to take a little break from their friendship until this whole Steve situation blows over. Damn, that’s cold.

Steve’s boss is ridiculous and won’t even consider the possibility that Lila didn’t start the fire. Steve mentions investigating former employees at Fowler Crest, but the boss won’t allow it. He says they’ve already found their arsonist. This guy is the worst D.A. ever. He’s insistent that Steve remain close to Lila. I don’t understand if he’s hoping Steve will get a confession or what. I don’t think Steve gets it either, as he spends a lot of time blinking in a confused way. Depending on the time of day and who he’s talking to, Steve is alternately sure Lila isn’t the arsonist and worried she might be. I hate Steven so much.

Steve asks Lila about any enemies she has, and she tells him about John Pfeifer. Steve decides John is the arsonist and he gets Liz to let him into the Oracle office to search John’s desk. He finds a document that looks like it went through the printer all slanted, and it looks like it came from the same printer as a mysterious web printout Steve received at work one day. The printout Steve got was a list of traits of an arsonist, most of which applied to Lila. Steve thinks he’s onto something, and just then John comes in, demanding to know why Steve and Liz are going through his shit. He and Steve exchange words, and Steve basically tells him he thinks John set the fire.

That night, Liz tells Jessica what happened, but now she’s somehow got it into her head that Lila might really be responsible for everything. She even goes so far as to wonder if Lila lied about John trying to rape her. What a bitch. Jessica says Lila can’t possibly be the one who set the fire because she loves Fowler Crest and she loves her clothes and wouldn’t want to get gasoline on them.

Steve’s boss is totally unimpressed with his theory about John Pfeifer and is still convinced Lila’s the only person in the world who could have possibly started the fire. Steve takes Lila out for dinner and has to break the news to her that she’s still the number one suspect. She doesn’t take it too well and gets kind of snippy. She gets up to use the bathroom, and while she’s gone, someone throws something through the restaurant’s window and a fire starts. Steve and Lila find each other in the ensuing chaos. When they get outside, there are some police officers hanging around Lila’s car. They place Lila under arrest because they found all the makings of a homemade bomb in the Triumph.

Devon Whitelaw has some adventures with his uncle Pete in Las Vegas, but decides to move on when he discovers Pete is a thief. I skimmed most of his story because I so don’t care, but his story accounted for most of this book. Hence the sort of short recap. Sorry about that.

Quotes:

“Looking up information on the computer?” [Steve] repeated, bells going off in his head. “You mean like surfing the Net?” The printout on arsonists that someone had mysteriously left on his desk had been downloaded form a Web page.

I still can’t get over early internet and computer descriptions.

“Remember back in middle school, when Lila went on a shoplifting spree to get back at her father?”

Actually, that was just “months ago.” SVT scholars, did she do this in middle school as well?

The Cover: Um, I guess that’s Devon? He’s not even in Sweet Valley yet. Is it really time for him to have his very own book cover?

The Moral of the Story: Sweet Valley High needs to start doing psych evals on potential cheerleaders.

The Big Deal: Big basketball tournament

Synopsis:

In the prologue, the SVH cheerleading squad is tied up in somebody’s basement, which is filling with water while “Free Bird” plays on a radio upstairs. Oh boy. I can’t wait to see how this happened…

One day, Liz is called to the principal’s office after school. Mr. Cooper introduces her to Diane and Brad, a writer and photographer from Scoop magazine. They’re in Sweet Valley because they’re going to write an article about “The Girls of Seventy-Six.” The “Girls” are the SVH cheerleading squad of 1976, who did nothing more extraordinary than win the state competition that year. Diane happened to be on that squad, but I still can’t imagine why a national magazine would care about it. Anyway, the article is a “where are they now?” kind of thing, and Mr. Cooper has offered Liz up as a research assistant. In exchange, she’ll get a credit in the magazine.

Liz leaves for the library to start her research right away. Brad follows her and obnoxiously starts flirting and asking her where da party at. He’s confused and thinks Liz is the cheerleader who was just showing off for him on the football field. Just so you’re aware, Brad is the best looking guy we’ve ever seen. Liz gets rid of him. In the library, she tells Ms. Swanson, the new shy library assistant, all about the article. We can assume Ms. Swanson mysteriously has something to do with the Girls of Seventy-Six because she wears hippie clothes, says things like “far out,” listens to classic rock and has a bad reaction to Liz’s talk about the article.

Jessica and her cheerleaders are all upset because the school board just made a rule that all school activities must now have a faculty adviser. Finally! They can’t think of anyone who would still let them do sexy moves and wear skimpy outfits and this pains them. Liz suggests Ms. Swanson. Jessica thinks that’s a great idea because she figures she’ll be too shy to tell the cheerleaders what to do. At her very first practice, Ms. Swanson starts to get weird when she confuses the cheerleaders with the Girls of Seventy-Six. Meanwhile, Liz finds out there was another girl on the ’76 squad who dropped out because she had some kind of weird disease. Of course, nobody remembers her name, but I’ll bet you anything it’s Nancy Swanson. Anyway, all this research is taking up too much of Liz’s time and Todd gets pissy like he always does and they have a big fight.

Amy and Jade don’t show up for cheerleading practice on Friday, but Nancy tells the rest of the squad that she sent them up the coast to pick up the new uniforms. Later that night, Nancy sits in her beanbag chair listening to her Doobie Brothers records loud enough to drown out the noises coming from her basement. She remembers being seventeen and suddenly having this unnamed mysterious disease that makes her twitch and stuff. The other girls kicked her off the cheerleading squad and one of them Loretta, stole her boyfriend, George. So I guess it all traumatized her so bad that she wants to punish the current cheerleaders. Whatever. I mean, that’s pretty shitty, but don’t be a crazed maniac because of it. The next day, she kidnaps Heather and throws her in the basement with Amy and Jade. Amy’s and Heather’s mothers both call Jessica to find out if she knows where their daughters might be, but Jessica is too wrapped up in her dates with Brad to concern herself with such things.

Liz accompanies Diane and Brad to Gina Bari’s house. Gina’s sister is Loretta, the captain of the ’76 squad. She tells our gang that Loretta died shortly after graduation, but that she was never the same after “the accident.” Apparently, Loretta and George were driving around when George grabbed the wheel and steered the car off a bridge. George died instantly, and later there was some mysterious ugly girl whose name nobody can remember on Loretta’s front lawn screaming at Loretta for killing her boyfriend. The September after she took her squad to nationals, Loretta got drunk and drowned in the quarry. The story gives Liz flashbacks to the accident that killed Sam. She’s all sad and stuff and decides to stop being mad at Todd because she needs him. Todd hangs up on her when she calls. Ha! But damn, they make up the next day.

On Sunday, Annie and Jessica meet at the mall and realize all the other cheerleaders are missing except Lila. Then Jessica goes home and gets pissed that Lila isn’t there like she said she’d be. *facepalm* Jessica is about to get ready for a date with Brad when a car pulls up outside. Lila’s at the wheel and Annie’s in the backseat. Nancy is in the passenger seat and she tells Jessica to hop in so they can talk. Jessica says she has to be somewhere else, but Nancy pulls out a gun and tells her she’d better just go ahead and get in the fucking car.

So now we’ve caught up to the prologue. The cheerleaders are in the basement and “Free Bird” is playing upstairs while water pours out of a pipe. For some reason, when none of the cheerleaders come home Sunday night, all their parents come to the conclusion that they’re at Maria’s house having a big party because her parents are out of town. Nobody goes over there or anything, but they take the fact that nobody is answering the phone there as proof of this party. Then, when all the cheerleaders skip school on Monday, everyone thinks they’re just a bunch of wild and crazy gals. Nobody worries.

Jessica manages to get herself untied and she unties everyone else. They all gather at the top of the stairs near the apparently watertight door, but the water level is still rising. Liz shows up because she had a flash of brilliance and deduced that Nancy was the missing cheerleader from 1976 and she wants to talk to her for the article. When she gets there, all that happens is that she gets thrown into the basement with the others. Well done.

Since Nancy seems to be living in the past and keeps calling the cheerleaders by the names of the girls on the ’76 squad, Liz comes up with the idea of going along with it and pretending they want Nancy on the squad. The plan gets Amy’s Project-Youth-volunteer seal of approval, so they all start chanting some cheer and then yelling for Nancy to join them. Finally, Nancy opens the door and the water rushes out and knocks her over. The cheerleaders go free and Nancy gets arrested. Hooray!

I guess that’ll show the school board what happens when you try to impose a little adult supervision over the cheerleaders.

Quotes:

“Cowabunga! Brad is looking better and better every minute!”

Did anyone besides Ninja Turtles ever actually say “cowabunga?” Especially as late as October of 1997?

“Why can’t he cut me a little slack now and then when I’m working on a writing project that matters to me? He does this every single time!”

He really does. Maybe it’s time to BREAK UP!!

The Cover: Very compelling picture, I guess. But not really what happened in the book.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Nothing brings people together like a crazed woodsman.

The Big Deal: Summer camp color war

Synopsis:

Even though camp is almost over, Liz is suddenly all spooked out by the camp legend, which is this: A long time ago, a counselor fell in love with a guy who lived in the forest and chopped wood all day long. When the camp owner found out about it, she told the woodsman he could never set foot in the camp again and the counselor wasn’t allowed anywhere near him. So the girl ran away into the forest to be with her woodsman. There was a search after she disappeared, but nobody ever saw her or the woodsman again. People assumed she died, but sometimes you can still hear the sound of chopping wood…

Whatever. It’s a stupid story, but Liz based her play on it and now she’s walking around with a sense of impending doom. ‘Cause she’s psychic, don’t forget. Joey tells the story while everyone sits around the campfire one night and says there’s more to the it, something about an ax murderer named Crazy Freddy. Later, Liz makes out with Joey in the woods for a while and then goes back to the cabin, where she starts to panic because Jessica isn’t back yet. Jessica and Paul woke up in the middle of the night from where they fell asleep looking at the stars. I guess Paul’s parents took his car and are never coming back or something. He and Jessica walk to his neighbors’ house and Paul borrows one of their horses to take Jessica back to camp.

There’s a big camp color war coming up. The teams are announced, and of course Nicole and Liz are the opposing captains. Nicole is crazier than ever and thinks she deserves Joey because she likes him the most or something. She wants to fuck up Liz’s life, so she writes Todd a letter and includes a picture of Joey and Liz kissing. Maria catches her and won’t let Nicole send it. Dammit. Nicole gets Liz out into the woods alone one night and starts swinging an ax around, trying to scare her. Maria has a talk with Nicole and she agrees to stop being such a bitch.

Paul is in big trouble for stealing the neighbor’s horse and he’s grounded or something. This has Jessica in a tizzy, and the day of the color war, she sneaks out to see him, leaving Liz to cover for her and participate in all her color war activities as well as her own. Paul and Jessica have this great idea that they’re going to pretend to be Crazy Freddy and sneak into camp and scare everyone. That goes just great for about five seconds. Then an actual crazed ax murderer grabs Jessica and starts to drag her away. Tanya, Paul’s sister and one of Jessica’s campers, runs into the woods and starts yelling at the guy to let Jessica go, so the guy punches her and takes her with him. He takes them to a cabin where they cower in a corner.

There’s commotion at the camp about Tanya having gone missing. Joey says he knows of an abandoned cabin and runs into the woods alone. The rest of the counselors pair up and start searching. Nicole and Liz have to work together to save the day. Aww. They meet up with Paul, who tells them Jessica was with him and she’s missing now, too. The three of them find the cabin. They look in the window and see Joey, Jessica and Tanya. There’s some plan that involves Nicole and Liz acting as bait and Paul getting the better of the guy, but of course Liz nearly gets captured. Nicole distracts the guy and he captures her while Liz gets away. Meanwhile, Paul breaks a window at the back of the cabin, climbs inside and cuts Tanya and Jessica loose.

You know what, whatever. You know they all get away in the end. Nicole and Liz become friends for the last two days of camp and everything is great. Nicole also gives Liz and Joey her blessing because she’s pissed at him for running into the woods alone like some kind of macho man and she doesn’t want him anymore.

While all this has been going on, Lila and Bo have gotten lost in the woods. It’s kind of hilarious because they’re walking along talking about how they don’t even mind being lost together because they’re so in love. They end up sleeping on a gravel road, and they wake up the next morning to a crop dusting plane landing nearby. The pilot calls his boss to see if he can take Lila and Bo back to camp, but the boss says no way. The guy starts grumbling about how he only needs a thousand more dollars to buy the plane and go into business with his brother. Lila and Bo decide to invest in the company and they each give him five hundred dollars. They get back to camp, where nobody has really even noticed they were gone. I guess if you’re not a Wakefield or a cute eight-year-old, nobody cares about you.

Quotes:

She shoveled a forkful of dry, tasteless scrambled eggs into her mouth.

Ew. Please stop with the forkfuls of food being shoveled into people’s mouths.

Will I be able to stop loving Joey when I return to Sweet Valley?

I predict you will forget all about him.

The Cover: This cover cracks me up. Just look at that madman back there. Ha ha.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: All males who go to college are sexy.

The Big Deal: Party at Steve’s

Synopsis:

Well, the twins are off to their College Adventure. For some reason, Ned and Alice thought it would be totally okay to pull the twins out of school for a week and send them to stay with Steve and his girlfriend, Billie, at Sweet Valley University. As expected, Liz is all about preparing for her college future while Jessica just wants to party. On the way to Steve’s apartment, Jessica decides she’s going to throw a big bash that night. She invites a bunch of guys at a minimart and tells them to bring their friends. Steve and Billie are going out of town for the night. Billie forgot when the twins were coming and she booked a night at a bed and breakfast for her and Steve. Jessica thinks that’s great because now she doesn’t have to tell Steve about her party.

The twins go exploring the campus. Liz joins some people who are sitting around discussing Ralph Ellison’s Invisible Man (because that’s what brainy college students do) and Jessica meets some sorority girls who are doing their nails and talking about boys (because that’s what sorority girls do). Jessica invites everyone she meets to the party and can’t believe Liz isn’t doing the same.

The party is a disaster or a success, depending on which twin you ask. It gets out of hand and someone brings in a keg, and then the police show up and make everyone leave. On the upside, the twins meet a couple of guys. Jessica tells her guy, Zach Marsden, that she’s a transfer student from Princeton and that Liz is actually her younger sister. She does not mention Ken. Liz meets Ian and actually tells him the truth about Todd and high school and all that jazz.

Jessica starts going out with Zach every night and going to some of his classes with him. She also spends a lot of time pre-rushing Theta Alpha Theta, the sorority Jessica’s new friends belong to and also Alice’s old sorority. One of the girls, Magda, tells Jessica she really likes a guy named Zach Marsden and intends to get him. So now Jessica is torn. She doesn’t want Magda to find out about her and Zach, but she doesn’t want to stop seeing him. Oh, how difficult it must be to have Jessica Wakefield’s life. She decides to do nothing, and the next time she goes out with Zach, Magda walks into the restaurant. Jessica is sure this means she’ll be blackballed from the sorority. Oh, dear.

Liz is all excited to go with Ian to his journalism class because the professor is Felicia Newkirk, “the first woman to break into the male-dominated White House press corps.” This woman is like Liz’s hero, so it’s really upsetting when she gets into an argument with her during the class. I’m not sure why, something about Liz being interested in television journalism and Felicia accusing her of being just a pretty face. Whatever. Felicia gets bored with Liz and moves on. She announces an essay contest and Liz vows to win it and prove herself to Felicia. She stays up all night writing some obnoxious thing about binge drinking on college campuses. She feels like she has firsthand knowledge on the subject since she just threw a kegger a couple nights ago.

OF COURSE she wins the contest. The prize is having Felicia edit the essay for publication in a national magazine, and also an internship with the university’s “nationally distributed newspaper.” Why does the whole nation need to know what’s happening at Sweet Valley University? Anyway, Felicia suggests that Liz take her high school equivalency test and get to work at SVU. Liz decides that’s what she’s going to do. Right.

Quotes:

“Jake!” another male voice called out. “Are you bothering this fine specimen of womanhood?”

Jessica turned, thrilled to see a second gorgeous guy with mocha-brown skin and a flattop approaching the Jeep.

“Lay off, Phil. I spotted her first!” Jake said, putting an arm around Jessica’s shoulders.

Jessica is hot enough to make complete strangers argue over her.

Being popular was the last thing Jessica Wakefield would ever have to worry about.

Oh, and she’s popular, too.

Steven and Billie had decided to do the unthinkable – forgo their afternoon classes to spend a romantic afternoon in their apartment.

How scandalous. Don’t hurt yourself over there on the wild side, guys.

Why didn’t I think of that before? Elizabeth admonished herself. I have firsthand knowledge of one of the most important issues facing college students today: alcohol.

Liz, freaking out because a couple guys brought a keg to your brother’s apartment hardly qualifies as firsthand knowledge about alcohol.

The Cover: There is something really wrong with blond guy who must be Zach. His shoulder area is all messed up. Ian looks like an even nerdier version of Winston Egbert, if that’s even possible. Jessica looks cute, but Liz looks like crap.

Read the rest of this miniseries: Part one, part two.

The Moral of the Story: If he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you.

The Big Deal: Halloween party

Synopsis:

After stopping Jeremy from marrying Sue, Jessica hides out at Lila’s house. The day after the wedding, Jeremy gives Jessica a ring and asks her to marry him. Then he says he has to go to Costa Rica for a month to take care of some business. Jessica is upset, and she gets even more upset when Liz calls her at Lila’s and says Ned and Alice think Jessica has gone too far this time. They’re thinking of sending her to a boarding school in Washington state.

Liz has been spending her time taking care of Sue, who now has tranquilizers to help her cope. Sue tells Liz that Nancy, her very wealthy mother, never liked Jeremy and cut Sue out of her will when Sue refused to quit seeing him. Now Sue’s mother is dead, Sue is penniless and she doesn’t even have Jeremy anymore. Then one day, Alice gets a registered letter. It turns out there was a stipulation in Nancy’s will. Sue was only cut off if she stayed with Jeremy. If she stays away from him for two months, she will get her inheritance. Sue seems totally surprised by this news.

It appears to be the beginning of a school year, which is weird, but whatever. Sweet Valley High is instituting a new math program called Go Math. GO stands for Girls Only. Apparently, studies have shown that girls don’t do as well at math as boys do, so Go Math is an experimental program that segregates the math classes. Liz is outraged by the whole thing, but as the weeks pass, she realizes everyone is actually doing better in math, including her. She writes a series of articles about the program, and of course the Sweet Valley News picks them up. In other Liz news, she doesn’t like Todd’s muck-stache. Todd doesn’t realize his attempt at facial hair is totally lame and pathetic and he seems to think he’s really hot shit. He starts calling Liz “babe,” which she hates, and he twirls his mustache a lot when Liz gets mad at him. They eventually break up over the stupid mustache. Oh, you stupid kids.

After a while, Sue tells the Wakefields that she’s really over Jeremy, so Ned and Alice tell Jessica to come home. Her first night back from Lila’s, Jessica announces at dinner that she and Jeremy are engaged. The next day, Sue overdoses on her tranquilizers and Jessica’s parents set up a meeting with the headmaster of the boarding school. Jessica misses Jeremy and is frustrated that he’s never around when she calls. Lila tries to tell her that maybe Jeremy isn’t that into her, but Jessica refuses to believe that. Then Amy shows her a film she shot on the beach for a school project, and Jessica sees a couple in the video that looks just like Jeremy and Sue. Amy tells her she only shot it two weeks ago, so it can’t be them.

Sue confesses to Liz that she lied about having a “rare blood disease” to keep Jeremy from leaving her. Liz is shocked, but thinks she understands. Then there’s a scene of Sue making a phone call, but we don’t know who she’s calling. She talks about what a “total drag” it was to have her stomach pumped. She makes plans to meet whoever she’s talking to. So now we know there’s something weird going on with Sue.

Jeremy finally comes back to town, but he acts kind of distant and weird. He does tell Jessica that Project Nature, the company he works for, is throwing a big Halloween bash and the whole Sweet Valley High gang is invited. At the party, Liz and Todd finally make up, so don’t worry about them, folks. Jessica can’t find Jeremy anywhere and she starts to think about all kinds of things about him that don’t add up, like the fact that he wouldn’t let her wait while he got on his plane to Costa Rica and the fact that he was never once there when she called him. She wanders outside and finds him making out with Sue. What a jackass. Liz takes Jessica home, and a little while later, Jeremy comes to the door. He’s all freaked out because Sue has “disappeared.”

To be continued. Ugh, won’t this Jeremy/Sue story arc ever end?

Quotes:

In a sense she felt as if Jessica was willing to leave Elizabeth forever to be with Jeremy. It was one thing to stay at Lila’s until a scandal blew over – it was another to commit yourself to a man and be ready to run off with him. Leaving Elizabeth behind. As though they were just regular sisters. Not twins at all.

Liz, what do you think is going to happen when you guys actually do get married? Are you going to share a bathroom for the rest of your lives?

“You’re our daughter and we love you. We’ll always love you no matter what. But we’re very worried about you. We’re worried about the decisions you’ve been making lately. The whole thing with Jeremy and Sue – it doesn’t seem like you.”

The fact that Alice is surprised by the “thing with Jeremy and Sue” just goes to show how much she pays attention to her kids.

“So now it all comes out. You hate my mustache, you hate my haircut, you hate what I call you…Kids at school think my mustache is hot, this is a totally radical haircut, and maybe I just won’t call you anything from now on. As in, I won’t be calling you at all!”

Oh, Todd. This is a totally radical breakup speech.

The Cover: As you can see, Jeremy and Jessica are Aladdin and Jasmine for Halloween. Sue and Jeremy look like they’re having some trouble; Sue looks mad because their hats keep crashing and they can’t kiss properly.

The moral of the story: I’m not sure the new miniseries format lends itself well to morals.

The Big Deal: Yeah, nobody’s really interested in parties right now.

Synopsis:

Liz totally isn’t dead, you guys. But she did kill Sam in that car accident and now she’s having nightmares about someone who looks like Jessica trying to kill her, but the girl has black hair instead of blond.

Bruce can’t stop thinking about the girl who tried to help him on Saturday night. He eventually finds out her name is Pamela Robertson and she’s on the Big Mesa tennis team, so he finds her after practice one day and asks her out.

Lila doesn’t go back to school until the Wednesday after the prom. She knows people are talking about her and the accusation she made against Nathan Pritchard. When she gets to school, Mr. Cooper tells her there will have to be a meeting with Lila, her father, Mr. Cooper and Nathan. At the meeting, after Nathan gives his side of the story, Lila realizes he wasn’t trying to attack her after all. She apologizes for making a mistake, and her father drives her home.

A week after the prom, the twins still aren’t speaking to each other. When they go back to school, Enid is the only person who will talk to Liz. Not even Todd has spoken to her. Poor Amy keeps trying to cheer up both Lila and Jessica, but doesn’t really know how to talk to either of them.

Olivia notices a sandy-haired guy watching her during a painting class. A few days later, she finds out a collector has bought one of her paintings. The only condition is that she give a talk about her art at a fundraiser in Bridgewater. She runs into Nicholas Morrow as she’s walking home and tells him her news, and he takes her out to celebrate. They talk about their love lives, and each asks the other how it’s possible they don’t have a steady stream of dates. They both say they’ll help the other find someone. They’re idiots and don’t seem to realize they’re actually on a date right now.

When Olivia goes to the address in Bridgewater, she’s surprised to find it’s a residence and there are no other cars in the driveway. When she goes inside, the sandy-haired guy from her art class comes down the stairs. He says he made the whole thing up about the fundraiser to get Olivia to his house. He’s totally creepy, but really cute, so Olivia says she’ll go out with him the next night. She later tells Nicholas she’s in love.

Lila has been in her bedroom since the meeting at school. Her father tries to talk to her, but she just can’t tell him what happened with John. George doesn’t know what to do, so he calls Lila’s mother in Paris. When he tells Lila her mother is coming to town, she starts crying and thanking him.

By the end of Bruce’s first date with Pamela, he’s in love. Cousin Roger tries to tell him that looks can be deceiving, but Bruce thinks Roger has a lot to learn about women. At lunch, Bruce tells everyone about his new woman, and when he says her name, everyone kind of laughs and says Pamela is known as a slut. The next time they go out, Bruce can’t stop thinking about what everyone’s been saying, so he’s kind of jerky to her. He feels bad, so the next morning, he goes to her house to bring her some flowers. He’s standing at her front door when a car pulls up in the driveway and Pamela gets out. After she kisses the guy driving the car, she sees Bruce. She tells him she was just breaking up with that guy because she’s in love with Bruce. Bruce goes home in a huff.

Jessica leaves to go to a special memorial for Sam at the bike track, but she decides she can’t handle it. She drives aimlessly and ends up at the cemetery, where she sits at Sam’s grave and cries over his death and her own part in it. Things at the Wakefield house are pretty horrible. Steve comes home every weekend and tries to cheer everyone up, but everyone is depressed. Then, three weeks after the prom, two police officers show up at the Wakefields’ house and arrest Elizabeth. Jessica considers telling the police that she spiked Liz’s drink, but can’t bring herself to do it.

While all this is going on, a sixteen-year-old girl named Margo is plotting her escape from her tenth foster home in New York. She thinks it’s too bad she’ll have to kill her five-year-old foster sister, Nina, but Nina walked in on Margo counting her stolen money and saw the bus schedule with Cleveland circled. Margo can’t risk anyone finding out where she’s going. She sets the house on fire and takes off. In Cleveland, Margo types up some fake reference letters and gets herself a job babysitting for a wealthy family. When she’s stolen enough jewelry and made enough money, she’ll move on toward her final destination, California.

Quotes:

“You’ll love the plans for the new wing of the city building,” Alice Wakefield was saying as she drove toward the high school. “We’re going with a Spanish-style look, with lots of sunlight.”

I think this is how she describes every project she ever works on. Jesus, Alice, not everything has to be Spanish-style.

Elizabeth left the dance with Sam, Jessica remembered. How could her sister have done that to her?

Because you got her drunk, stupid.

The Cover: Here it is, the first of the new crappy covers. I miss the old ones. The twins hovering over everything like god up there is weird. And for such a busy looking cover, there’s really not a lot going on. We’ve got Bruce looking all scandalized that his girl is kissing another dude, and then I guess that’s Lila running away from Nathan or something.

The moral of the story: Dana Larson is a bitch.

The Big Deal: Two parties at the twins’ house and one at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Prince Arthur of Santa Dora is coming for a visit and everyone is all worked up about it. All the girls are excited and keep worrying about what they’re going to wear when they see him. The girls’ boyfriends are starting to get annoyed, especially Todd, who doesn’t like that Liz and Arthur have been pen pals all this time. The only person who doesn’t care about the prince is Dana, who refuses when Jessica asks the Droids to play at a party she’s throwing for Arthur. Liz is having a lunch party to welcome Arthur to Sweet Valley, and Jessica wants her to invite Dana, figuring if she meets Arthur, she’ll realize he’s not so bad and agree to play the party. Jessica purposely does not invite Sam to the lunch because she’s sure Arthur will fall madly in love with her.

Enid reads some of Arthur’s letters to Liz and points out that maybe Todd has a reason to be jealous. Liz admits that maybe she’s right, so the first chance she gets, she tells Arthur that Todd is her boyfriend and they’re very serious about each other. Arthur seems disappointed, but he’s very gracious. Dana is all moody at the lunch party and seems to have a problem with Arthur just because everyone else is so interested in him. I think it’s because Dana is a lesbian and she’s jealous that all the girls are paying so much attention to him instead of her. (By the way, Dana and Aaron have broken up for no reason that has been explained to me.) Arthur goes to school with Liz for some reason, and during a discussion about Hamlet in English class, Dana starts babbling about how much royalty sucks. It’s clear she’s talking about Arthur, so Mr. Collins asks Arthur and Dana if they’d be okay with a formal debate. They agree to argue on Friday. Arthur wins the debate.

That night at the Dairi Burger, Arthur tells Liz and Todd that he has a crush on Dana. Liz goes home and calls Enid. Jessica listens to the conversation but only hears part of it. She misunderstands and thinks Arthur likes her. At the party the next night, she waits for Arthur to talk to her, neglecting Sam, who gets fed up and goes home. Arthur finally does come talk to her and asks her to ask Dana to dance with him. Dana agrees, and at the end of three songs, she’s falling in love with the guy. Jessica is depressed and decides to give up and help Lila, whose plan is to get in good with one of Arthur’s bodyguards, Paolo, and then get invited to Arthur’s hotel, where she can make him see that Dana is all wrong for him.

Lila invites Paolo over to her house the next day, and he mentions a task that Arthur must complete by the eve of his seventeenth birthday. He won’t say what the task is, but Arthur’s birthday is less than a month away.

I’m finding it really hard to care about this book for two reasons: 1.) This is a terribly boring follow-up to Lila’s ordeal from yesterday. 2.) We’re starting to get really close to the Jungle Prom and I’m getting antsy. Ah, well. Halfway through.

Arthur and Dana start spending a lot of time together while Lila and Jessica follow them around and spy. Jessica thinks Lila’s losing her mind, but Lila is obsessed. Arthur comes over to talk to Liz one night because he wants her advice. He says it’s tradition in his country for the prince to announce a betrothal on his seventeenth birthday. He’s fallen in love with Dana and wants her to be his wife. Liz’s advice is to just be honest with her, so the next night, Arthur gives Dana a ring and asks her to marry him. Dana says she’s gonna need a day or two to think about it.

Lila finds out about the tradition and is sure Dana doesn’t know about it. She talks to a friend of her father’s, Anita, who is a reporter for the Sweet Valley News. Anita calls Dana on Saturday morning and asks whether or not she’ll accept Arthur’s proposal. Dana tells her if she wants the scoop first, she should come to Lila’s party that night. Anita thanks her for the tip, and then remarks how lucky it is that Arthur found a girl he likes before his seventeenth birthday so he doesn’t have to marry the girl his parents have in mind for him. Dana is pissed and thinks Arthur only proposed because of the tradition. She goes to his hotel and throws his ring back at him, but of course doesn’t explain why she’s so upset. She’s home for only a few minutes when Arthur’s limousine shows up. Dana won’t talk to him, but when she looks out her window, he seems really sad. She figures it’s just his pride that’s been hurt.

At her party, Lila sees Arthur looking all sad and figures that’s her cue. She drags him out to the dance floor, but he doesn’t feel like dancing and leaves her standing there alone. Jessica, watching from the sidelines, thinks it’s hilarious and tells Liz that Lila was the one who leaked the marriage tradition to the reporter. Liz tells Arthur what happened and that she’s sure Dana is still in love with him, but Arthur isn’t hearing it. He decides to go home the next day.

The next morning, Liz goes to Dana’s house and tells her Arthur really does love her and that he’s leaving that day because he’s so brokenhearted. Dana races to his hotel and he explains himself blah, blah, blah. He decides to tell his parents this particular custom is outdated and he wants no part of it. He and Dana promise to remain close friends.

Quotes:

“If you ask me, the concept of a royal family in this day and age is completely ridiculous. We’re supposed to be above all that in the United States!”

Um, Dana? Arthur isn’t from the United States.

“Your accent is almost gone,” Jessica observed to Arthur as they walked through the house.

“The benefit of so much travel,” Arthur explained.

So, if someone from Europe travels around the world enough, he’ll end up sounding like a Californian?

The Cover: Until I actually read the tagline, I was sure that was Liz on the cover, not Dana. Prince Arthur looks like a real cheeseball.

The moral of the story: If you stop hanging out with Elizabeth Wakefield, your life will suck.

The Big Deal: Ice skating party, Christmas Eve party at George’s house, New Year’s Eve party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

It’s Christmas again. Todd is visiting family in Utah over the school break and Liz is feeling lonely. After the last day of school, Enid and Liz join what appears to be their entire class at the Dairi Burger. Liz goes back to the car for her jacket and ends up walking in with Jeffrey French. There’s mistletoe in the doorway and everyone starts screaming for them to kiss, so Jeffrey is all dashing and bends Liz back over his arm and kisses her. Liz is completely rattled by this, but tells herself it’s just because she misses Todd already. What? Then Jessica comes in and really outwhores herself. She stands under the mistletoe with her “twinkling” eyes and says, “Well?” Bruce Patman comes up and acts like he’s doing a favor by kissing her, then Jessica walks around giving out candy canes and flirting with all the boys. She realizes the only boy she hasn’t dated is Jeffrey, so she decides she must have him. She pulls the mistletoe down and holds it over her head while she stands next to him. He kisses her as quickly as he can. Then Jessica tries to flirt with him, but is unsuccessful.

Yeah, so far Enid’s Story seems to be pretty Enid-less.

Liz gets up to go talk to Penny, and Jeffrey sits down in her place to say hi to Enid. They start talking about how it’s too bad they don’t really talk anymore now that Jeffrey and Liz have broken up. There’s an ice skating party the next day, and they decide to go together. As friends. Yeah, right. Enid is relieved when Liz says she doesn’t feel like going to the party, because that means Enid doesn’t have to say anything about going with Jeffrey. Liz decides to go after all and gets totally pissed when she sees Enid and Jeffrey together. Enid calms her down by saying they’re just friends and hey, Liz, he’s not your boyfriend anymore. Then Enid feels a little guilty because she thinks maybe she is starting to like Jeffrey as more than a friend. She decides to deal with it later.

Jessica sees some hot guy and, even though she’s an expert skater (because there’s not a thing in the world she can’t do perfectly), she acts like a clumsy beginner as she skates past him so she has an excuse to grab onto him. She tries to flirt with him, but then Enid, who is a terrible skater, crashes into them and Jessica falls down. She sits there waiting for Brian to help her up, but he doesn’t. He asks Enid if she remembers him. Enid says she does, apologizes for her clumsiness and then skates away. Jessica is pissed. Enid’s always cock-blocking the evil witches of Sweet Valley, and I love it. Almost this same thing happens when Amy is trying to hook up with Lila’s cousin Christopher, but he wants to hang out with Enid because they knew each other already. Where does Enid meet all these guys? And when is Jessica going to realize that Enid is formidable competition? Enid’s dated more college guys than she has.

Jeffrey and Enid have such a good time skating that they decide to go see a movie later. On the way to the theater, they talk about Liz, which makes Enid think Jeffrey’s not interested in her. But she thinks he might become interested in her and that makes her happy. I guess the guilt and confusion she felt earlier have disappeared. She decides to go for it.

Meanwhile, Enid’s having trouble at home. Her father is going to be in town, so she’s asked her mother to cancel some trip they’d planned. Her mom’s giving her all kinds of grief just because she wants to spend the holiday with her father. Adele has apparently been telling Enid that her father has a drinking problem, but Enid thinks her mom is lying. Dave Rollins is supposed to get into town the day before Christmas Eve, but calls and says he’ll have to meet Enid the next day for lunch. Enid’s mom freaks out and gets mad because she had tickets to the Nutcracker. She was going to surprise Enid with them, and now her ex-husband has ruined everything.

Jeffrey calls Enid and wants her to come over so he can ask her something. She gets all excited, but when she gets there, Jeffrey says Liz brought him a present that morning and he wants Enid to tell him what it means. Enid realizes Jeffrey only likes her as a friend and goes home all dejected. She wants nothing more than to talk to her best friend, but she can’t since Liz is part of her problem. Then Brian, from the ice rink, calls and wants to hang out. Enid isn’t sure she should because Brian is from her partyin’ days. But he assures her that he’s changed and tells Enid he had a crush on her back in the day. I figure Enid was thirteen during her difficult phase, and if this guy is in college now, he had to be about sixteen or seventeen back then. Crushing on a thirteen-year-old. Anyway, Enid is flattered and decides to go out with Brian.

Brian takes her to dinner and they have a nice time. Enid doesn’t mind when he orders a beer (so how old is this guy, really?) because she understands that people can drink responsibly. After dinner, though, he takes her so a big party where everyone is getting drunk and high. Enid loses Brian for a few minutes, and he’s already drunk by the time she finds him again. So she calls a cab and goes home totally disappointed with her life.

Enid goes to meet her father for lunch the next day and finds him drunk when she gets to the restaurant. She leaves, disgusted, and goes home to blame her mother for everything. Adele tells her there’s nothing anyone can do, but Enid thinks her father would quit drinking if he loved her more.

Two days without Liz and your life turns to total crap. See what happens?

Jeffrey calls and invites Enid to a party at George Warren’s house and she accepts. At the party, Liz and Jeffrey have a private talk. She tells him she really loves Todd and asks if Jeffrey likes Enid. He says he does and he plans to talk to her that night. They go back to the party, but end up under some mistletoe. Liz is glad when she doesn’t feel anything from kissing him this time. Enid sees them kissing and goes outside to sit on the deck and feel sorry for herself.

Jessica is wandering around the party looking for a new guy to flirt with when she sees Brian. She tries to flirt with him, but he just asks her if she’s seen Enid. Jessica gives up on him, then sees Jeffrey and starts trying to flirt with him. He asks if she knows where Enid is. She says no and tries to talk to Liz, but Liz just wants to know if she’s seen Enid anywhere. Jessica is annoyed.

Brian finds Enid first and apologizes for the way he acted the night before. She’s all ready to tell him to fuck off, but then Liz comes up to her with an earnest expression on her face and says she wants to talk. Enid is mad at Liz about Jeffrey, so she pretends to be in a deep and flirtatious conversation with Brian. She tells Liz to get lost. Enid and Brian are dancing when Jeffrey interrupts. Enid just tells him where he can find Liz and keeps dancing. She leaves with Brian and he takes her up to Miller’s Point and manages to convince her to smoke some weed with him and drink some bourbon. Oh, Enid.

At the party, Jessica finally meets a guy who doesn’t know Enid and starts flirting. After a few minutes, they decide to head up to Miller’s Point. That Jessica, she moves fast. There’s another car next to them at the Point, and just as Jessica and Michael are about to start making out, the people in the other car turn their radio up really loud. Jessica gets out and knocks on the window. When nothing happens, she opens the door and sees Enid and Brian with an empty bottle between them. Jessica gets back into Michael’s car and tells him to take her back to the party.

Adele Rollins is sitting around waiting for Enid to come home. Liz calls for Enid, then tells Mrs. Rollins that Enid left the party an hour ago with Brian. Now Adele is freaking out because she knows Brian was one of Enid’s druggie friends. Then Enid’s dad shows up and Adele tells him what’s going on. Dave thinks it’s his fault that Enid is upset enough to go back to hanging with her old crowd. He goes to Kelly’s Roadhouse to see if she’s there. The sight of the old boozers hanging out at the bar kind of freaks him out and he realizes he’s well on his way to being one of them. He takes the flask of gin he has in his glove compartment and throws it out the window. And that, my friends, is the swiftest alcoholism recovery I’ve ever seen.

Dave goes to George’s house to see if Enid is there. A crowd gathers around him and Jessica sees it as the perfect time to tell everyone she just saw Enid drunk at Miller’s Point. Instead of hating Enid the way she’d hoped, everyone is mad at Jessica for just leaving her up there. Which is kind of bullshit, if you ask me, but Jessica starts to feel bad and leaves with Jeffrey, Liz, Lila and Dave to go find her.

Enid wants Brian to take her home, but he’s not done partying yet. He drives through town like a maniac, Enid screaming the whole time. They finally crash through a guardrail and the car flips. Enid wakes up to see her father tapping on the window and telling her to unlock her door. Dave carries her up the bank, then goes back to the car to get Brian out. Then the car explodes.

Enid wakes up in the hospital and is told her father and Brian are in the burn unit. Adele, Liz, Jeffrey, Jessica and Lila spend Christmas morning with Enid in her hospital room. Enid goes to see her father and he tells her he’s going to check himself into a clinic and stop drinking. Brian also decides to quit drinking and partying.

Lila has a big New Year’s Eve party. Todd is back in town, so he and Liz go together. Jeffrey wants to go with Enid, but she says she’d prefer to meet him there. In the end, they both realize they aren’t ready for a relationship, but agree to share a New Year’s kiss.

Quotes:

Just about the worst event that had ever happened to Elizabeth was Todd’s family moving to Vermont earlier that school year.

a.) If that, out of all the other things that have happened to Liz, is the worst thing ever, then she really needs to get her priorities straight. I mean, even forgetting all the crap that happens in Specials, because that stuff doesn’t really count. Just in the regular series her parents have split up, she’s been stuffed in some crazy stalker’s trunk, she nearly drowned…the list goes on and on.

b.) More evidence that the SVH timeline is severely screwed up. It’s Christmas right now. Todd moved, fell in love with Suzanne Devlin and came back to break up with Liz at Christmas. This is insane.

Just to be mischievous, Jessica had once said that Bruce kissed like a jellyfish. The truth was that Bruce was really a pretty good kisser.

Well, there’s that mystery cleared up.

Even though she had changed her life, it was not really any better. Maybe it would never be any better.

Oh, quit your whining, Enid. You’ve had two crappy days. That’s not exactly a horrible life.

The Cover: There she is, the chick who snags all the college boys. She’s not so bad, though I’m ashamed to say I did my bangs like that for years when I was younger.