Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: Just one damned vampire will turn a whole town goth.

The Big Deal: The only big deal in this book is Jonathan Cain.

Synopsis:

Ah, jeez. Vampires.

Jessica has gotten a pair of diamond earrings from her grandmother, but she loses one at the Dairi Burger. She and Lila go digging through the Dumpster to try to find it. There’s a dead body underneath all the trash and the dead man has a bite mark on his neck. Gross. When the police get to the scene, they discover the body has been drained of blood.

Liz is all fucked up about Joey Mason, her summer fling. She can’t even stand to be around Todd because she feels so guilty. She ends a date early and Todd spends two pages trying to figure out what he did wrong. When they get to the Wakefields’ house, there’s a police car in the driveway. They run inside and Jessica tells them what happened. She introduces them to Jasmine, a cat she rescued from a tree outside the Dairi Burger. Everyone keeps saying Jasmine is the only witness to the murder.

At school on Monday, Jessica is a superstar and everyone wants to know what happened. Chrome Dome holds an assembly to talk about the murder. Enid sits with Maria and Liz, but Liz ignores her and just talks to Maria. Liz hasn’t told Enid about Joey, so Maria is the only one she can talk to about the fact that Joey will be going to UCLA and be within driving distance of Sweet Valley. Enid feels left out. Mr. Cooper introduces a new student, Jonathan Cain. He’s wearing black leather pants and a black t-shirt and of course he’s totally gorgeous. Enid and Jessica both decide they’re in love with him, and Liz immediately hates him because she recognizes him as the guy that bumped into her that morning and didn’t apologize.

Jessica tries to get Jonathan’s attention in a variety of ways, but he totally ignores her. She sits next to him in French class and passes him a flirtatious note. He passes one back telling her to leave him alone. Jessica gets all excited about what a challenge he’s going to be. Meanwhile, all the girls at school think Jonathan is totally hot and they start dressing like him and painting their nails black and shit. Lila and Jessica think it’s totally gross and stick with their lavender nail polish. Enid tells Liz she wants to dye her hair black, but Liz tells her it’s a stupid idea. Enid goes to the salon anyway and gets her hair dyed and straightened and also learns all about how to apply emo makeup. Liz is annoyed at everyone trying to copy Joey. Even Todd starts wearing black all the time.

Liz comes to a decision: she’s going to forget about Joey. She burns his letter and starts trying to convince herself she’s still in love with Todd, but it’s hard going, especially when she finds a canoe paddle in her locker. Wtf? I guess Joey put it there thinking it would be cute, but I’d sure be creeped out by it.

Enid turns into a creepy stalker and follows Jonathan after school one day to a dilapidated mansion on the outskirts of town. She sees him go inside, but nobody answers when she rings the doorbell and then knocks on the door. She walks around the house and looks in the windows. The house is disgusting and it’s clear nobody lives there. Enid gets freaked out and drives home.

Jessica finally gets Jonathan to give her a ride on his motorcycle. He takes her home and Jessica thinks it’s totally awesome that he knows where she lives. He drops her off, tells her again to leave her alone and then drives off. Liz can’t believe Jessica took a motorcycle ride. Jessica wakes up from a nightmare later and finds her missing earring on her windowsill. Weird. The next day, Jonathan tells Liz to keep Jessica away from him. Liz makes Jessica promise to leave him alone, but Jessica sneaks away on Saturday night while Liz is in the shower. She goes to the address Enid said she had followed Jonathan to.

When Liz gets out of the shower, she hears on the radio that another murder victim has been found. It’s a blond girl at Secca Lake and all her blood has been drained. Liz searches the house for Jessica and realizes she’s not there. She freaks out and does the only thing she can think of: she calls Todd and asks for his help. He says he’ll be right over and Liz panics until she hears a car in the driveway. She opens the door, but it’s Joey. She gives him a big hug and suddenly forgets that her sister might be dead. Of course, that’s the exact moment Todd shows up.

Jessica’s not dead. She’s at Jonathan’s house knocking incessantly on the door. Jonathan finally lets her in. He sets down his goblet of red wine and kisses Jessica. Then he pushes her away and says she should have left him alone.

Quotes:

“We’re trying to get that new guy, Jonathan, to join the basketball team,” Todd told Elizabeth.

Oh, Todd. Goth kids don’t play team sports.

I need new friends, Enid decided. Lynne Henry, Julie Porter, and Jennifer Mitchell, all of whom had also adopted Jonathan’s gothic style of dress, were sitting together at a nearby table.

So basically all the poor girls with no self-confidence are the ones being taken in by this new craze, but perfect and confident twins are immune.

Why can’t he admit that he cares for me?

This is Jessica, after Jonathan has done everything he can possibly do to show that he does not, in fact, care for her.

The Cover: Did anyone else wear those awful velvety black chokers back in the day? I thought I was so totally cool and goth when I wore mine. I imagine Jessica thinks it’s just the thing to make Jonathan fall in love with her. Jonathan looks like a total creeper up there in the window.

The Moral of the Story: If you try to have sex with your girlfriend, an avalanche will get you.

The Big Deal: Ski trip, “welcome back from being trapped in an avalanche” party for Todd

Synopsis:

It’s spring break again and this time we’re off to Colorado for a ski trip. Sixteen students, including the twins, Lila, Enid, Todd and Winston, and two chaperones will be making the trip. Lila and Jessica get themselves a couple of “snow bunny” outfits and vow to break hearts all week long. Todd is feeling horny. Everyone is teasing Liz about all the alone time she’ll have with Todd, but she keeps saying they’re being silly, they’ll have roommates and chaperones to keep them company. Everyone gets on some super duper bus that has bunk beds or something, and they drive through the night. While everyone is sleeping, Todd sneaks up the aisle and lays down next to Liz and spoons her. She wakes up and tells him to go away, then Mr. Collins yells for Todd to get back to his own bunk.

Their first day on the slopes, Lila and Jessica meet a gorgeous ski instructor named Lucas King and start acting like they don’t know how to ski, because everyone knows guys hate chicks that know how to do stuff. Jessica manages to get away from Lila and then finagle Lucas into agreeing to a whole day’s worth of lessons. Lila is pissed. They make a deal. Whoever kisses Lucas first wins, and the loser has to ski down Devil’s Run, the most dangerous slope.

That night, Todd walks Liz upstairs when she says she wants to go to sleep. Inspiration strikes and he says he wants to show her his room. She figures he just wants a more private goodnight kiss, so she goes along. Todd starts getting fresh and Liz’s poor sensibilities just can’t take it when he tells her he’s arranged for Winston to sleep somewhere else that night. She looks horrified and stalks into the bathroom. Todd thinks she just wants to freshen up before they get “more intimate.” He settles onto the bed, looking all smug, and Liz comes out of the bathroom and pours a glass of water in his lap. Todd never takes down the Do Not Disturb sign, so poor Winston has to sleep in the lobby all night.

Liz manages to avoid Todd most of the next day, but he eventually finds her and tries to talk. Liz skis away from the path to get away from him. He follows her, and then there’s an avalanche. He loses Liz, but some thirty-something woman in red who’s been eyeing Todd all day comes along and takes him to a cabin. The woman introduces herself as Cassandra, and Todd thinks over and over again how attractive she is. He tears his eyes away from Cassandra long enough to build a fire and call the ski patrol on the handy radio in the kitchen. Liz is in the ski patrol cabin and she hears his voice so she knows he’s okay, but then the radio goes out and she doesn’t hear anything more.

Cassandra flirts with Todd all evening and he’s all, “But Mrs. Robinson!” He lets her have the bed while he sleeps on the couch. He wakes up in the middle of the night to find this thirty-year-old woman kissing him. He freaks out and pushes her away. Uh, lady? People get arrested for that sort of thing.

Enid is feeling ugly again, like she does anytime she goes anywhere with the Wakefield twins. She’s still sad about her breakup with Hugh and she’s determined to meet some guy on this trip and make him fall in love with her. She has a book called A Hundred and One Ways to be Sassy on the Slopes. Enid does everything the book tells her to do, but she keeps attracting guys she doesn’t like. She’s pretty picky for an ugly loser, don’t you think?

Liz is out of her mind worrying about Todd. She insists on staying in the ski patrol cabin. A ski patrol guy named Dirk lets her stay and pretty much breaks all kinds of rules for her. Liz keeps telling him she wants to go with him to search for Todd and he lets her, even though it’s really dangerous. They eventually figure out which cabin Todd is in, and Liz is the first one through the door after they dig the snow away. She walks in and sees Todd and Cassandra kissing. (Really, Cassandra was kissing Todd and he was trying to get away from her, but let’s not tell Liz.) Later, Liz is sitting in front of the fire in the lobby of the lodge, feeling sorry for herself. Dirk sits next to her and tells her what a jerk Todd is, and then he kisses her. Liz tries to push him away, but then, of course, Todd comes up behind them and starts yelling at Liz. Oh, god, I hate you guys. I’ll save you some suspense and tell you they get back together in the end. Of course.

Lila finds out about a party Lucas is going to and slips away to crash it. Jessica is looking out the window when Lila gets back, and she sees Lucas and Lila kissing. Hooray for Lila getting the guy before Jessica! Jessica starts down Devil’s Run the next day, but Lucas finds out and goes speeding over there, much to Lila’s chagrin, because he still thinks Jessica and Lila are beginners. Jessica is actually doing just fine, but she sees Lucas zooming toward her and gets distracted. She crashes into him, fracturing her ankle and spraining his. Lucas decides to stay at the lodge to be close to the clinic, so the next day, Jessica sneaks over to his room while Lila is skiing. They hang out on the couch and just after they start making out, along comes Lila. Jessica tells her to go away. So Lila pays a room service guy fifty bucks to let her hide under his cart. When he pushes the cart into Lucas’ room, Lila jumps out from under the tablecloth and she and Jessica start screaming at each other. Lucas peaces out. Jessica and Lila find him later at Todd’s Welcome Back party, making out with Enid.

Quotes:

“A snow bunny, Jess?” Elizabeth asked, her tone horrified. “Don’t you see how that kind of language just supports the sexist stereotypes that women—”

“Lighten up, Liz,” Jessica urged.

Seriously.

The Cover: Ooh, look at that sexy naked arm helping to hang that Do Not Disturb sign up. As for the inner cover, I have no idea who that’s supposed to be. Todd and Liz? Liz and Dirk? Jessica and Lucas? No idea.

The Moral of the Story: Never go camping with the Wakefield twins.

The Big Deal: Big stupid survival thing in Death Valley

Synopsis:

The Sweet Valley Survival Society has held an essay contest. The six winners will be camping for four days in Death Valley with limited supplies. Somehow, the winners are Liz, Jessica, Todd, Ken, Bruce and Heather. Am I supposed to believe Jessica, Heather and Bruce actually wrote essays for this thing? They have a crash course before the trip where they learn about compasses and shit, and then Kay, the instructor, drives them out to the desert. Liz can’t believe everyone is complaining so much and she keeps going on and on about what a great opportunity this is. Even Todd rolls his eyes at her. When they get to the dropoff point, Kay gives them some last minute instructions and breaks the group into three sets of “buddies.” Jessica and Todd, Liz and Bruce, Heather and Ken. Jessica is pissed that Heather will be flirting with Ken for four days, and Todd isn’t happy about Liz being paired with Bruce.

Kay leaves and Liz takes charge because nobody else seems interested in doing so. Jessica and Todd try to get her to switch everyone’s partners, but Liz is adamant that they stick to the rules. Jessica spends the day getting upset at Ken for actually letting Heather flirt with him. When they make camp for the night, Jessica tells Ken she’s jealous, but Ken says she has nothing to worry about.

The next day, Liz tries not to be pissy when Ken says he wants to navigate. At lunchtime, they stop near an old mine shaft. Heather turns on the portable television she’s brought along and they all listen to a newscast about three criminals who escaped from a nearby prison. Then Bruce decides he wants to explore the mine shaft. Liz, as Bruce’s buddy, decides she’d better go in after him to make sure he doesn’t die. She finds a satchel with some papers in it and grabs it and runs when the shaft starts to collapse. Once outside, Liz opens the satchel and finds it’s full of gold nuggets. There’s also a map and a diary. The diary says something about a curse involving the “Treasure of the Scorpion.” Apparently, if you find the treasure, you’re supposed to leave half of it for the next lucky traveler, along with a copy of the map. Everyone except Liz wants to go hunting for the rest of the gold, marked by Xs on the map.

Liz actually comes around to the idea of looking for the rest of the gold because it would make such a great story. Everyone is excited when she says they can at least look at one X on the map, but they all think she’s crazy when she and Todd start to bury half the treasure. Bruce and Jessica yell at them, so Liz and Todd relent and say it would be silly to believe in the curse. The group packs up and everyone goes on their merry way, happily babbling about what they’re going to spend their money on. They have to climb up some rocks and Todd totally checks out Jessica’s legs. Then he gets pissed when Liz accepts Bruce’s help. Then Liz and Bruce have a conversation about the stock market, and Liz can’t help but notice how attractive he is and remember their brief romance. And of course Bruce remembers how hot Liz is and starts wondering how he can get her alone. Gross.

When they finally get to the area marked on the treasure map, Bruce discovers a cave and everyone wants to explore it. They come to a fork in the path and Bruce takes Liz in one direction while everyone else goes the other way. Bruce is about to ask Liz if she wants to make out when Jessica suddenly yells that she found the treasure. Everyone meets outside. Bruce and Jessica want to go searching for the rest of the marked spots on the map, but Liz gets Todd, Ken and Heather on her side. Now Bruce and Jessica are pissed at Liz, so she gets snippy with Todd and pretty soon everyone goes to bed angry with everyone else.

The next day, Liz is so exhausted that Todd feels sorry for her and offers to take over the navigating. Jessica knows Todd sucks at reading maps and stuff, so she “helps” him, making sure to lead everyone to the final treasure rather than to the rendezvous point. When Liz realizes they’re going in the wrong direction, she yells at everyone, calling Jessica deceitful, Todd spineless, Heather spoiled, Ken worthless and Bruce a buffoon. Then she sees that there’s a stream ahead, and since they need water they have no choice but to continue toward the treasure.

It turns out the stream is really a raging river. To get across, the gang decides to try “that special arm-linking technique” they were taught. Everything goes according to plan for about five seconds, and then Heather decides she’s too scared to hold on. She lets go and gets swept away. Everyone else continues across, and then they run down the riverbank until they see Heather holding on to a log. When Heather is safe, Ken yells at Jessica for letting go of her. Bruce says he was holding onto Heather’s other hand as hard as he could, but Heather let go. Ken doesn’t care, he just wants to be mad at Jessica for some reason. Jessica stalks off and Liz follows her. Everyone talks about how stuck up the twins are.

That night, Ken and Heather sit together for a while. Jessica wants to make Ken jealous, so she goes and flirts with Bruce. Bruce knows exactly what she’s trying to do and has no problem playing along. Jessica suddenly becomes convinced that Heather is going to steal her gold in the middle of the night, so she puts it in her sleeping bag when nobody is looking. She wakes up later to go to the bathroom, and when she comes back she finds the gold is gone. She starts yelling and wakes everyone up. Heather comes out of the woods and Jessica accuses her of stealing the gold, but Heather says she has an alibi. Then Ken comes out of the woods and sheepishly says Heather was with him. You bastard. Bruce jokingly says the escaped convicts must have stolen it and everyone goes to sleep.

The next morning, Jessica and Heather have a screaming match because Jessica is still convinced Heather stole her gold. Heather again says smugly that she was with Ken, then she stands next to him and links her arm through his. Ken says he doesn’t want to take sides. Heather gets pissed and walks away. She walks down the riverbank for a while, plotting her revenge. Then she hears someone laughing. Peeking from behind a big rock, Heather sees three men in blue jumpsuits, Jessica’s bag of gold between them. She goes back to camp, but nobody believes she saw the convicts.

Everyone gets moving again and stupid Heather manages to fall and sprain her ankle. So now the boys are forced to help her walk, which makes the twins even more angry at the world. At around the time they’re supposed to be getting picked up at the rendezvous point, the gang arrives at the final treasure spot marked on the map. They go into the cave and find six skeletons. They run outside and it starts to rain. Sucks to be them.

Quotes:

“It’s not up to you, Todd. It’s my job to make sure my buddy gets out of Death Valley alive. I have to face up to that.”

Liz, you are a bunch of high school kids on a camping trip. It is not that serious.

Elizabeth didn’t look forward to her parents’ reaction when they heard how she and Jessica had nearly lost their lives over some gold.

Why? Do you think they’ll suddenly start reacting to your near death experiences?

“What is with those Wakefield women that makes them think they’re better than everybody?” Ken asked.

Maybe it’s because the whole town celebrates every time a Wakefield gets up in the morning.

The Cover: I cannot figure out who is supposed to be who on this cover, but I’m sure that’s a Wakefield on the right with the Virgin Mary glow around her head.

Jessica’s boyfriend, Jack (who?), tells her he’s really in love with Elizabeth. Jessica decides she hates being a twin and she’s going to run away. As she’s packing her things, she comes across a bunch of diaries that she’s never told anyone about:

First we recap the Jessa Fields incident in #32, The New Jessica. Then the Prince Albert fiasco in #33, Starting Over. There’s a recap of #34, Forbidden Love, even though Jessica is hardly in that one. And then there was Tofu-Glo. The only thing we learn from #35, Out of Control, is that Jessica actually gets stage fright.

In #36, Last Chance, Jessica tries to break up Cara and Steve. While recapping #37, Rumors, Jessica actually uses the phrase “piss off,” which kind of has me floored. During the recap of #38, Leaving Home, Jessica confesses that she’s in love with Jeffrey. Apparently, she pretended to be Liz at one point and asked how he felt about her going to Switzerland. She briefly considered breaking up with him as Liz so she could go out with him as herself while Liz was at Interlochen. But her loyalty won out and she and Steven carried out their horrible plan to keep Liz in the States. After that, we get into #39, Secret Admirer, and hear about Lila and Jessica getting the same guy through The Oracle’s personal ads.

Then, while recapping #40, On the Edge, we learn that Jessica pretended to be Liz and went on a date with Jeffrey. They went for a walk on the beach and then started making out. After a minute, Jeffrey realized he was making out with the wrong twin, but then he pulled Jessica to him and started kissing her again. What a couple of jerkfaces. I always liked Jeffrey, dammit. Then Regina died and that’s pretty much the end of the diary. Jessica realizes she loves her sister and doesn’t really want to run away.

These diaries are super lame.

The Cover: Why are Michael and Maria stuck in there? Who cares about them?

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: It’s totally okay to ruin someone’s life. Your love life is way more important.

The Big Deal: Barbecue party at the beach, bridal shower for Sue

Synopsis:

The last book ended with Jessica and Jeremy making out at an engagement party for Jeremy and Sue. This book starts with Liz finding them and telling them Alice wants to give a toast. The twins argue, and Liz is convinced Jessica has a love addiction and needs to be stopped. Both Steve and Enid tell her that trying to control Jessica is a stupid idea. Jessica and Jeremy keep sneaking around and Liz keeps trying to stop them. Liz’s self-help books tell her Jessica’s love addiction is a disease, so she’s sure there must be some way she can help.

One day, Sue gets some test results back and finds out she has the same rare blood disease that killed her mother. The doctors say she’s got two or three years to live. She tells Liz she wants to call off the wedding. Liz tells her to reconsider. Then she tells Jessica she has to stop seeing Jeremy because it’s wrong to “deceive a dying woman.” When Jessica finds out about Sue’s disease, she feels like she caused it somehow because “Jessica had thought in the past that she had psychic powers” and she wanted Sue out of the way so badly. When Sue tells Jeremy about her disease, he promises to stay with her until the end.

Todd finally gets back from his grandmother’s house and Liz is determined to tell him about Luke. Before she can tell him, Todd says he met a girl who lived next door to his grandmother. They had a fling, but it was really nothing; Liz is the only one he cares about. Liz gets angry and breaks up with him. Then she annoys Enid and Olivia with all her self-help mumbo jumbo. She tells them she ate too much cake from the engagement party and that’s a sign that she has no self control.

Meanwhile, Lila’s been dating Jeremy’s friend, Robby. Robby pretended to be rich so Lila would like him, but finally came clean. Now Lila is worried Robby only likes her for her money. She tells him a story about her parents being servants for the Fowler family. Robby gives her a passionate kiss and Lila worries her plan will backfire and Robby will actually like her better poor. In the end, she tells him the truth and is relieved when he says he loves her no matter how much money she has.

Now that Jeremy knows about Sue’s disease, he feels like he shouldn’t see Jessica anymore. Jessica isn’t giving up, though, and she starts tagging along on all of Jeremy and Sue’s dates. Liz, trying to keep Jessica from doing something stupid, also tags along. At a cookout on the beach, Jessica gets all emo and walks away. Sue, who is amazingly oblivious through this whole thing, gets worried and sends Jeremy after her. Jessica is just about to kiss him when Liz and Enid show up to drag them back to the party.

The night before the wedding, the twins have a shower for Sue. The girls start talking about Jeremy’s bachelor party and everyone except Sue wants to crash it. They all go over to Robby’s place and Liz seems disappointed that there are no strippers for her to disapprove of. Robby’s idea of a bachelor party was to cook a gourmet meal, so all the guys are grateful when the girls show up. Steve and Todd are there for some reason, and Steve tells Liz how sorry Todd is for his fling. Liz decides to stop being so obnoxious. She makes up with Todd and tells him about Luke. Then she decides to stop trying to control Jessica.

At the wedding, Jessica can’t stand it anymore. She shouts that Jeremy can’t marry Sue because he doesn’t really love her, he loves Jessica. Sue faints, the priest leads Jeremy away and everyone is pissed at Jessica.

Quotes:

“I’m slowly rediscovering myself and learning why I let myself lose control so it doesn’t happen again. And that’s why I think you should read this book about love addiction so you don’t lose control with Jeremy.”

Argh, shut up, Liz!

It was totally out of character for her to have done something like falling in love with another guy.

Right.

The Cover: Those dresses are hideous. All of them. Jeremy looks more evil than bastardly, like he’s planning to kill Sue after the ceremony. And Sue looks like this horrible girl I used to know, so I automatically hate her.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: You might think you love someone else, but you’re really supposed to stay with your first love forever and ever and ever.

The Big Deal: Pool party at the Wakefields’ house

Synopsis:

At breakfast one morning, Alice announces she and Hank Patman are going to Chicago again for a week. Liz drags Jessica upstairs and tells her Alice and Hank used to be married and are now having an affair. Jessica wants to just go show the wedding photo to Alice and ask her about it, but Liz doesn’t want her to for some reason.

Todd’s parents are still in Yosemite for another week, Ned is leaving town to go to a seminar or something, and now Alice is going to Chicago. With all four parents out of town, Todd thinks he should move in with Liz. Liz asks Jessica if it’s okay with her, and Jessica says sure, if they do all her chores and make her dinner every night.

As soon as Liz and Todd get “home” after school on Monday, Liz gets a call from Bruce and tells Todd she has to borrow his car and rush right over to the Patmans’ house. When Jessica gets home, she decides it’ll be fun to freak Todd out. She tells him the whole story about Hank and Alice and makes Todd worry that Liz and Bruce are “comforting each other.” In fact, Liz and Bruce are in the Patmans’ attic looking for more old stuff. They find a love letter from Alice to Hank, and then they find Alice’s wedding and engagement rings. After two hours, Liz suddenly remembers that Todd exists and she hurries home to make it up to him.

The next night, Todd wants to have a romantic evening with Liz, but she reminds him they have to do laundry because it’s Jessica’s turn. And I guess the laundry has to be done on Tuesdays or else. Todd thinks it’ll be fun to go to the new “videomat” where they can watch a movie while they do the laundry. Liz overdoses on espressos and acts like she’s drunk, and Todd puts too much detergent in the washer and makes a huge bubbly mess.

The next morning, Bruce shows up at the Wakefields’ house before school. Liz kisses Todd on the cheek and says Bruce is going to give her a ride because he has to talk about something really important. Bruce tells Liz his mother is moving out and he’s really upset about it. Bruce also gives Liz a ride home that afternoon and they go up to the Wakefields’ attic to try to find more stuff. They find a school paper from when Hank and Alice were in college, and there’s an article that details Hank’s heroic food drop. Liz and Bruce simultaneously come to the conclusion that they need to take a trip to the college to find out more about what Alice and Hank were like back then, and maybe they’ll be able to “understand what’s motivating them now.”

Liz has been sort of avoiding Todd because having him at the house is a little too much. Todd wants to fix things, so he goes shopping and comes home with groceries to make a romantic dinner. When he gets to the house, Liz and Bruce are sitting around eating cookies in their swimsuits. Liz says she invited Bruce to stay for dinner, and they go outside while Todd starts cooking. Later, Liz and Todd have a fight and Liz explains she just feels sorry for Bruce. They join Bruce and Jessica in the living room. Bruce sees a note next to the phone and says, “Room four forty-four, that’s my dad’s room.” The twins are all, “No, that’s our mom’s room….Wait a minute!” Jessica thinks it’s just a mistake and wants to call the hotel to make sure, but Liz won’t let her. Why? Oh, I just hate her.

Bruce and Liz sneak off the next day to visit the university. They don’t really find anything useful, but they do make googly eyes at each other and have the exact same thoughts: “If my mother/father could fall in love with Hank/Alice, then it’s not crazy for me to fall in love with Bruce/Liz.” On their way back to Sweet Valley, they see a car broken down on the side of the road. It just so happens to be Todd. They stop to pick him up, and Liz gets all indignant when Todd seems upset that she’s with Bruce. Everyone goes to the Beach Disco that night, and Liz dances with Bruce the whole time. The next day, Bruce and Liz both feel bad and decide to focus more on their relationships with Todd and Pamela.

On Saturday, Todd and the twins are preparing for a totally awesome pool party they’ve decided to throw that night. Then Bruce calls and Liz invites him to go shopping with them. Todd has had enough and blows up at Liz, and she gets all mean and tells him he can just stay home if he doesn’t want to go shopping with Bruce. So he does. I don’t know why he just doesn’t go back to his own house.

At the party, Pamela notices the way Bruce looks at Liz, and she asks him if he has feelings for her. Bruce admits that he does, and Pamela runs off. Bruce goes inside and finds Liz in the kitchen. They start talking about their parents and how much everything sucks, and then suddenly they’re making out. They don’t stop until they notice Todd in the doorway. Bruce goes outside and Todd is pissed. Liz makes it all about her, though, and gets angry when Todd won’t give her the benefit of the doubt. Ugh.

Todd leaves to go driving around to let off steam. He comes to the conclusion that the problems with Liz are partly his fault and he shouldn’t have overreacted when he caught Liz and Bruce together. What?! Your girlfriend was making out with another guy! Todd decides to go back to the party and “really listen” when he talks to Liz.

Pamela comes up to Liz outside and tells her that she and Bruce just broke up, so Liz is free to be with him. Liz thinks about her feelings and decides that since Bruce kissed her and she willingly kissed him back, she must be falling in love with him. Jeez, these kids have a funny definition of love. Liz is upset and confused and she decides to get in the pool. She bounces way too high on the diving board. I guess she hits her head on the bottom or something because she doesn’t resurface. Jessica screams for someone to help her, and Todd just so happens to be coming back from his drive. He jumps in the pool and saves Liz.

Todd takes Liz up to her room, and suddenly Alice comes home. She’s pissed about the party, but also about Todd’s duffel bag in the hallway and his shaving kit in the bathroom. She tells Liz she’s disappointed in her, and Liz accuses Alice of sneaking around with Hank Patman. Instead of being totally pissed off, Alice tells Todd to go find Bruce, and then she has a little story time. She tells the kids about her engagement to Hank and how she left him at the altar. She also explains that room four forty-four is a two bedroom suite at the hotel and she is absolutely not having an affair with Hank Patman. So now everyone’s happy except for Bruce, whose parents are still splitting up. Jessica decides to try to get them back together.

Quotes:

Lila snorted. “They are just so out of it. Don’t they know playing house is totally uncool?”

Oh, how I love Lila.

“We’ll call the hotel and ask. It’s as simple as that.”

Elizabeth grabbed the receiver from Jessica’s hand and slammed it down. “We can’t do that,” she whispered. “We just can’t.”

Jessica doesn’t argue and they just allow themselves to get worked up when they could just call the damned hotel.

The Cover: Todd, you need to find some pants and stop shaving your legs. Also, your breakfast is burning.

Synopsis:

Elizabeth: Liz’s trial is starting, and Alice Wakefield is losing her marbles, running around offering snacks and washing windows while Liz and Ned go over their defense. A defense, by the way, that sucks ass because Liz cannot remember anything, no matter how many times the jerkface prosecutor asks her what happened the night of the prom.

Jessica: Jessica is still hanging all over Todd and ending most family scenes by running out of the room. She knows Todd feels bad about Liz, but she tells him he has to choose where his loyalties lie. The night before Liz’s trial starts, Todd and Jessica go to the Beach Disco and make out during a slow dance. A few days later, Jessica finds a letter Todd has written to Liz, and she snaps when she realizes she doesn’t really want Todd anyway. All she wants is Sam. This doesn’t make her give up, though. If anything, she hangs on to Todd more tightly, telling him Liz read his letter and threw it away. For some reason, she goes to the courthouse for the last day of Liz’s trial.

Todd: Todd sucks. He goes to Liz’s trial and it makes him feel guilty for what he’s been doing with Jessica. He tells Jessica it feels wrong to be with her, but keeps making out with her. He’s all torn up, so he goes to visit Steve, of all people, who is not happy to hear that Todd has been cheating on one little sister with the other. That night, Todd writes Liz a letter and asks her to give him a sign. He’ll go to her trial every day, and when she wears the bracelet he gave her, he’ll know it’s okay for him to talk to her.

Lila: Lila’s mother tells her the story of why she left Sweet Valley to go live in Paris: Grace wanted a separation from George, but George didn’t. When Grace took Lila and went to her parents’ house, George filed for divorce and sued for custody. Lila decides she’s going to get her parents back together.

Steven: Steve has a crush on his roommate, Billie, and she’s a really good listener when he talks about his family. When a classmate says there’s a rumor that Steve’s mom is in a nuthatch or something, Steve accuses Billie of blabbing. Billie is hurt and says she’s moving out. Then Steve finds out that Jessica told Amy and Lila that Alice was losing it. He apologizes to Billie and they make up.

Bruce: Pamela Robertson has transferred to Sweet Valley High in the hopes of getting away from her reputation as a slut at Big Mesa. Bruce still won’t give her the time of day, and Cousin Roger thinks it’s his fault because he was one of the many people who tried to warn Bruce about Pamela’s sluttiness. Poor Pamela doesn’t have any friends because everyone at Sweet Valley already knows about her, and Roger feels bad. He decides to befriend her himself, but Pamela doesn’t trust his motives. When Lila and Amy ask her to have a soda with them, she decides to give them a try. The three of them become friends, and Amy has a talk with Bruce about the way he’s judged Pamela. Bruce realizes Amy is right and feels bad. Then one day, Bruce sees a Big Mesa asshole trying to get Pamela to take a ride with him. Pamela is scared and crying, so Bruce just runs up and punches the guy in the face. Then he kisses Pamela.

Margo: Margo rides the Big Grey Dog all the way from Houston to Los Angeles, where she buys a train ticket to Sweet Valley. While waiting for her train, she sees Josh, the older brother of the boy she killed in Cleveland. Margo makes a scene, acting like Josh is bothering her, and then runs out of the restaurant. She exchanges her ticket and hops on the train currently leaving for San Diego instead. When she finally gets to Sweet Valley, the first place she goes is the mall to buy a blond wig.

The outcome: On the last day of Liz’s trial, a kid named Gilbert is called as a surprise witness. He was out driving drunk the night of the prom, and he caused Liz to crash. Jessica is all happy for a minute because that means her spiking Liz’s drink didn’t cause Sam’s death, Gilbert did. Then she notices that her whole family is rallied around Liz, hugging her and whatnot. She gets all sad and leaves with Todd. Liz tries to talk to her a few nights later, but Jessica ignores her and leaves the room.

Quotes:

But Mom’s only in Sweet Valley temporarily, Lila reminded herself. Nothing lasts forever. If I can’t count on the stability of the Wakefields, what can I count on?

If this mess hasn’t taught you that the Wakefields are even more fucked up than most families, nothing will.

Roger heaved a discouraged sigh. This was a repeat of many conversations he’d had with Bruce since he came to live in Sweet Valley after his mother’s death.

The continuity is even worse in these books than in the first ninety-four. Roger already lived in Sweet Valley when his mother died. Remember? He was poor, Lila had a crush on him, blah blah blah.

Laughing at his own wit, Bruce climbed into the Porsche and started the engine. He didn’t give Pamela another glance – that was part of her punishment…

I will kill Bruce Patman. Her punishment?

The Cover: Okay, Margo is freaking me out. She looks really scary. And the Sweet Valley courthouse is pretty imposing, too. Liz’s shirt is horrible.

This is where the whole thing goes sideways, folks. Get ready.

The moral of the story: Prom is just not worth it.

The Big Deal: Party at the beach, horrible Jungle Prom

Synopsis:

At a totally awesome beach party, Bruce dares Jessica to swim out to the buoy. Liz begs Jessica not to do it, but Jessica laughs and jumps in the water (after stripping down to her bikini “striptease-style”). Liz runs around freaking out, telling Todd, Sam and Enid that Jessica’s in the water. Everyone tells Liz to chill, but she can’t. Jessica comes back to shore and Liz is all, “Jessica! You’re all right!” Jessica laughs and says of course she’s all right. Liz gets upset and decides she’s not going to worry about Jessica anymore; Liz is only going to worry about herself from now on.

Lila is having a terrible time with her date, Tony Alimenti. He’s a nice guy, but Lila isn’t ready for dating yet and only agreed to come to the party because Jessica and Amy wouldn’t leave her alone. Lila watches her friends dancing and wonders if they’re ever scared that their boyfriends will overpower them. Then Tony tries to put his arm around her and she jumps.

Meanwhile, Bruce is making out with Andrea Slade. He knows Andrea likes him a lot, but he’s just not interested because she doesn’t present a challenge. She tries to get him to commit to a picnic next weekend, but Bruce is an ass and tells her he doesn’t do commitment and if she doesn’t like it she can take a hike.

A ton of kids run onto the beach wearing Big Mesa’s school colors. They knock over the food table, spray shaving cream on everything and pick up the girls and carry them for a few feet and then drop them in the sand (Lila screams at the top of her lungs). The whole thing only lasts five minutes, but the mess is horrible. Sweet Valley wants revenge.

At the Dairi Burger afterward, the twins argue over whether or not Sweet Valley should retaliate while Bruce and some other former Club X members are in the parking lot discussing how they can get revenge on Big Mesa. Tony takes Lila home and she freaks out when he tries to kiss her goodnight. Liz and Todd go to Miller’s Point and talk. They decide everyone will calm down and nothing else will come of the raid on the beach.

While getting ready for the beach party, the twins came up with an awesome idea for a jungle themed school dance. At school on Tuesday, Liz tells her friends she’s gotten the go ahead from Principal Cooper on the Jungle Prom. They talk about whether or not there should be a king and queen, and Liz wonders if she should go for it. Later, Todd convinces her she would be a great queen. After school, Jessica goes out with her friends and declares that she intends to be prom queen.

Jungle Queen

Lila has a session that afternoon with Nathan Pritchard, her counselor. She’s really upset about Saturday night and tells Nathan what happened with Tony. Nathan does his best to convince her that maybe Tony wasn’t trying to hurt her and that Lila’s just oversensitive right now. Lila concedes that he’s probably right and says she doesn’t want to be scared of every boy in the world.

Environmental Alert, the organization Liz found to fund the prom, calls Liz and says they’ve put together a prize package for whoever is elected prom queen. The queen will win a trip to Brazil and the opportunity to be an honorary spokesperson for Environmental Alert. Liz runs out to the pool to tell Jessica and Lila the news. When she goes back inside, Jessica starts gushing to Lila about how awesome it will be when she’s prom queen. Lila pretends to fall asleep so Jessica will shut up. A few minutes later, Alice comes home. Lila watches Alice and Jessica talk to each other. She wishes she had a mother to talk to. Damn, Lila makes me so sad in this book.

Jessica misses a meeting of the prom committee, so Liz goes ahead without her. The committee decides on formal dress for the prom, which Liz knows is going to upset Jessica, who wanted everyone to dress all Tarzan and Jane. When Liz tells everyone about the prize package for the queen, everyone on the committee tells her she’s the logical choice. Jessica is pissed that Liz let the committee vote on the dress code issue without her, but doesn’t mind when she realizes that if it weren’t for Liz, Jessica wouldn’t be going to Brazil. She’s sure she doesn’t have any competition for the title of queen.

Andrea finds Bruce after school on Friday and asks him what he’s doing the next day. Bruce says something rude and is sure she’ll tell him off, but she just looks sad and tells him to call her sometime. Bruce thinks it’s kind of fun to string her along and see how much abuse she’ll take. He goes outside to the parking lot to find that his car, along with everyone else’s, is a mess. The damned Big Mesa jerks have come back with their shaving cream and they’ve drawn bulls (their mascot) all over everyone’s cars. The same afternoon, Liz gets a copy of Big Mesa’s newspaper in her Oracle inbox. There’s an article about how crappy Sweet Valley’s basketball team is.

A few days later, Liz is looking over The Oracle before it goes to the printer and notices the story she asked Caroline to write is a little weird. She wanted an article promoting the prom and asked Caroline to leave names out of it, including Liz’s. Caroline has written a piece of crap that makes it sound like the whole prom was Jessica’s idea. Liz is pissed, but decides to get over it. That night, Jessica says something about “when I go to Brazil,” and Liz gets angry again. She asks Jessica if it ever occurred to her that Liz might like to go to Brazil. Jessica says no, being prom queen isn’t really Liz’s thing. Liz gets all weird and asks how Jessica knows what her kind of thing is, as if Jessica hasn’t been living with her for sixteen years. They have a big argument. Afterward, Jessica goes to Sam’s to study and tells him how strange Liz has been acting. Sam makes her forget about it and they talk about maybe spending the night together after the prom.

There’s a big pep rally for all the sporting events that are coming up. Jessica outshines the rest of the cheerleaders and then makes a big speech about the prom. Liz knows it’s all part of her campaign to be voted queen.

Jessica and Lila are shopping at Lisette’s a few days later and talking about Liz. Lila tells Jessica to stop being so cocky about being voted queen because a lot of people think Liz is going to win. Jessica is all “Yeah, whatever.” She finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Just then, Liz and Enid come in. Liz finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Jessica and Liz come out of their fitting rooms at the same time wearing the same dress. Lila thinks it’s pretty funny.

Bruce goes to the marina to take his father’s boat out. He runs into Nicholas Morrow, who mentions Regina. Bruce doesn’t know how Nicholas can talk about her without getting upset. Bruce goes home that night, takes a picture of Regina out of his nightstand drawer and cries.

On Friday, Liz gets another delivery from Big Mesa. It’s another article from the Bull’s Eye, and this one is full of accusations that Sweet Valley cheated to win the track meet the day before. Todd convinces Liz not to retaliate and they go to lunch. In the cafeteria, Jessica is handing out buttons that say “Save the Rainforest—Come to the Jungle Prom,” and telling people she used her own money to have them made. Liz is outraged at Jessica’s campaigning. Liz, you’re allowed to campaign, too, if you want. Todd tries to tell her to calm down, and she gets even more angry.

On Monday morning, Lila is getting ready for school and wondering if she should go to the prom. She starts thinking about Nathan realizes he’s really cute, and Lila is grateful to him for helping her so much in counseling. She decides she’ll go to the prom even though she doesn’t have a date. Nathan will be chaperoning and she can just hang out with him. Lila goes into her counseling session that afternoon a new woman. She flirts with Nathan a little and tells him she’s back to her old self.

Jessica drags Amy, Robin and Lila to a prom committee meeting and pisses Liz off by acting like she wants to be involved. Before the meeting is over, she brings up the real reason she came to the meeting: she doesn’t think any Big Mesa kids should be allowed to come to the prom. The committee is split, so Liz arranges for the whole school to vote. She’s happy when the school votes against Jessica’s idea.

Later, Penny tells the twins that she was contacted by Sweet Sixteen magazine. They heard about the prom and want to do an interview with whoever came up with the idea. I’m so sure. Liz and Jessica are scheduled for an interview and photo shoot the next day. Jessica doesn’t show up and the Sweet Sixteen people are tired of waiting. Against her better judgment, Liz agrees to do the interview alone. When Jessica shows up forty-five minutes late and finds out they left without her, she’s convinced Liz set it all up somehow.

On Wednesday, Liz writes an editorial for The Oracle. It’s an attack on Big Mesa. Liz gets mad when Todd tells her she’s being mean. Friday night is the big basketball game against Big Mesa, and Liz says some mean things to Enid about Hugh not having the guts to show up and support his school. Damn, she’s crabby. Sweet Valley wins the game, and the Big Mesa kids hightail it out of there.

Finally, it’s prom night. Everyone lavishes Liz with praise and Jessica is mad that they’re all acting like Liz did all the work. When Sam points out that Liz actually did do all the work, Jessica stomps off and tells him to ask someone else to dance. He asks Liz. Todd is elected prom king, and in one hour, the queen will be announced. Jessica knows she needs to do something fast if she’s going to take Liz out of the running, which she’s even more determined to do when she sees Liz and Sam dancing together. A Big Mesa guy starts flirting with Jessica and she notices he’s drunk. She flirts back to get some of his alcohol and then pours a ton of it into Liz’s punch cup.

Drunk and happy, Liz tells Sam she doesn’t care about being queen. She yells to Andrea and Patty that she’s withdrawing her name so Jessica can win. Jessica does win, but as soon as the crown is on her head, she feels guilty.

Suddenly, twenty or thirty Big Mesa kids come in and start running through the gym, punching people on their way through to the football field. Bruce rounds up a bunch of guys to follow them. Jessica, suddenly worried about Liz, jumps off the stage to try to find her. She sees Liz and Sam wobbling out the door, but by the time she makes her way through the crowd and into the parking lot, Liz is in the driver’s seat of the Jeep. Before Jessica can get to them, Liz drives off. Jessica finds Todd and tells him they need to go after them.

Lila is stuck in the gym. No matter what exit she tries to use, there are people blocking her way. Finally, Nathan takes her arm and leads her out of the gymnasium. The hallway isn’t much better, so Nathan pulls her into an empty classroom. Once they’re alone, Lila has a flashback to John’s attack on her and she’s suddenly sure that Nathan was only pretending to be nice so he could get her alone and take advantage of her. She screams. The cops have made it to the school, and at the sound of Lila’s scream, they burst into the classroom. Lila says Nathan attacked her, and the cops haul him off.

There’s a massive brawl out on the football field and Bruce is right in the middle of it. A Big Mesa kid hits him with a bat and knocks him down. Just as the other guy is going to hit him again, a beautiful girl tells the guy to stop. She reaches out to help Bruce up, but he gets kicked in the head and blacks out.

Todd and Jessica hop in Todd’s car and go off in the direction Liz and Sam went. Jessica tells Todd that Liz and Sam are drunk, but says she doesn’t know where they got the alcohol. They see a crashed Jeep on the side of the road and pull over. There are cops on the scene already, and they say both the driver and passenger are dead.

To be continued…

Quotes:

In [Bruce’s] opinion, the only fun in dating was the sport of it. The more it was like a tennis match, where he had to wear down his opponent through expertise and sheer force of will, the better he liked it.

Jeez. What a freak.

The Cover: God, the twins are so ugly! Is it really possible that neither one of them did anything special with her hair for the biggest social event of the year?

The moral of the story: If you’re hot and blond, you’re automatically good at acting.

The Big Deal: Lots of Hollywood parties, a party at Amy’s and a surprise party at the Wakefields’ house for the twins

Synopsis:

Jessica’s favorite soap opera, The Young and the Beautiful, is holding a casting call in Los Angeles. And guess what they’re looking for? That’s right, twins! They want a pair of twins with classic California looks to be on their show for a week. Too bad Liz isn’t at all interested. Jessica tells Liz she’ll be able to afford the word processor she wants and the twins can get a new Jeep, but nothing Jessica says can convince her to do it. At a party at Amy’s house, Jessica convinces all their friends it would be a great idea, so everyone starts bothering Liz about auditioning, but Liz is still not interested. Lila comes up with a great plan. Jessica will fake a letter from a research company inviting Liz to a discussion group about twins. Liz won’t be able to resist, and when they get in the car, Jessica will take them to the audition instead. She knows Liz will “give in gracefully” once they’re there.

Everything goes according to plan until the twins are in the waiting room. The casting director, Natasha, comes in and starts telling all the sets of twins how the auditions will go. Liz figures out what’s happened, and she’s not standing for it. She starts going off on Jessica and they have an argument right there in front of everyone. Liz walks out and slams the door behind her. Natasha starts clapping. She thinks that was their audition, and she offers them the part.

Filming doesn’t start for a week, but Natasha wants the girls to get involved beforehand so she invites them to a cast luncheon the next day. That night, Jessica and Sam have a fight because Jessica is too excited about being a soap star to listen to Sam’s mundane stories about dirt bike racing. Liz is still saying she’s not going to participate, but Jessica is going on the assumption that Liz will come around eventually.

The next morning, Lila, Amy and Jessica drive out to L.A., where they’ll be staying at a classy hotel owned by one of George Fowler’s associates. Lila and Amy drop Jessica off at the luncheon, where she meets Brandon Hunter, the heartthrob of The Young and the Beautiful. He flirts with Jessica during lunch and then asks her to go out with him that night. He’s twenty-two, in case you were wondering.

Brandon takes Jessica to a party at a famous singer’s house, then a movie premiere the next day. On Monday morning, people are coming up to Jessica at school and telling her they saw her picture in the paper. Sam gets all upset and jealous. Liz still won’t do the show and Jessica is starting to panic, but she comes up with another plan. She puts together a bunch of Liz’s newspaper articles and a writes a letter to the editor of the Los Angeles Times, telling him she and her sister will be starring on The Young and the Beautiful and asking if he’d be interested in a series of articles about the experience.

Ned and Alice finally decide to seriously consider letting the twins get a Jeep since the Fiat is falling apart. Liz and Todd meet Ned at the dealership, and there are like two whole pages dedicated to Liz handling the salesman. There’s also a bit about how “the girls take care of all their own oil changing, points, plugs, et cetera,” and then Liz looking under the hood like she knows what’s under there. But just last week, didn’t she need Steve to show her how to change a tire? Anyway, they trade in the Fiat and drive the Jeep home. Jessica is ecstatic.

That night, Liz gets a call from Rodney Grant, Lifestyle editor at the L.A. Times. He congratulates Liz on getting the soap opera role and says he would be interested in the articles Liz proposed. Liz figures out what’s happened, but lets the man speak. When he tells her how much she’ll be paid for her articles, Liz finally agrees to be on the damned show. She and Jessica go to the set to check things out. Liz does some interviews with the camera and light guys, then Jessica introduces her to Brandon, whom she immediately dislikes. When they start filming on Monday, Liz dislikes him even more. He can’t remember any of his lines and blames his crappy acting on the twins.

Jessica hasn’t talked to Sam in a week. One night, the doorbell rings and Jessica answers it to find a guy dressed as Batman. He hands her a bouquet of flowers and a note from Sam asking if Jessica will see him. Jessica says that of course she’ll see Sam. Batman rips off his mask and whoops with joy. It’s Sam! He whisks her away to the beach, where they have a fight and Sam tells her to choose between him and Brandon Hunter, but you can tell what he’s really saying is he wants her to choose between him and acting. Well, nobody gives Jessica an ultimatum, so of course she chooses Brandon and her career.

I don’t understand the Batman thing at all.

How did we end up in Sweet Valley, Robin?

The next day after filming, Jessica goes to knock on Brandon’s dressing room door, but hears him talking to someone else. He says things like “great publicity stunt,” “she really fell for it,” “I’ll be glad when she goes back to high school,” and “I think I’ll start pursuing Sandi Starr.” Jessica runs back toward her own dressing room in tears, but then calms down when she realizes Brandon couldn’t possibly have been talking about her. Or could he? She goes out with him the next night and pays close attention to how he acts. And he acts like a jackass – only putting his arm around her for pictures, constantly trying to leave her alone while he talks to other people. Jessica can’t believe she’s never noticed before how much Brandon sucks. When she gets home, she and Liz come up with ways to get even with him.

For their last day of shooting, Liz and Jessica do everything they can to mess Brandon up and make him flub his lines. That afternoon, the director calls to tell them Brandon wasn’t happy with the way the scene turned out so they’ll have to do it live. Jessica has an idea. She calls Sam and leaves a message for him to watch the show that evening.

During the final scene, Jessica’s character is supposed to swoon and declare her love for Brandon’s character. Instead, Jessica stands up and says she can’t be with him because she still loves Sam, “the boy [she] left behind.” Then she tells Brandon he’s a jerk and throws a glass of water in his face.  When the twins get home, they find a surprise party waiting for them. Sam forgives Jessica and everything is wonderful again. The soap opera people call and offer the twins a permanent contract, and Jessica turns it down.

Quotes:

He’s interested, too. I can tell. Other boys have looked at me with that look, and I know it means that they want to get to know me.

Jessica doesn’t know just how much they want to “get to know” her.

“But here she goes again, Mom!” Elizabeth cried. “Have you ever heard the dialogue the women characters on the soaps are given? They never use their brains! They misunderstand everything that everyone tells them, and they jump to absurd conclusions about the very people that they should know they can trust. It makes me sick to watch them.”

I don’t get it. Is this supposed to be ironic?

The Cover: Doesn’t Jessica kind of look like a bird somehow? I don’t really know how to describe it, but there’s something very birdlike about her appearance. I’m so sick of her stupid hair. And I guess that’s Brandon. He just looks like a smarmy bastard.

The moral of the story: Even sixteen-year-olds have more common sense than Steven Wakefield.

The Big Deal: Shower at Lila’s, party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Cara’s mother has gotten a promotion and will be transferring to London. Steve is sad that Cara is leaving him like Tricia did. Ugh, just once, I’d like Steve to have a story line that doesn’t involve Tricia in some way. Jessica feels really sorry for Steve, and while watching Love Story, she comes up with the worst idea ever: Steve and Cara can get married! Then Cara won’t have to move to London! She runs upstairs to tell Steve her idea. He thinks it’s great. He rushes over to Cara’s house and proposes. She’s flabbergasted at first, but then she says yes. They decide to get married in two weeks and not tell their parents until afterward. While Steve is at Cara’s, Jessica does some research and finds a chapel in Nevada where they can get married. When Steve comes home, he tells her nobody can know about the engagement, especially Liz.

For the next few days, Liz notices Jessica acting strange whenever Steve or Cara is mentioned. She wants to know what Jessica’s hiding, but Jessica claims there’s nothing to tell. Then Liz takes a call from the jewelry store. They have a question about the engraving on the wedding rings Steve ordered. Liz tells Jessica about the phone call, so Jessica comes clean. Liz promises she won’t tell their parents, but she can’t help but be worried about what a bad idea this is.

Jessica and Cara are out with Lila and Amy one night, and Jessica just can’t keep her yap shut a second longer. She blurts out that Cara and Steve are getting married, but it’s all good. Lila and Amy will keep it a secret and Lila will even throw Cara a bridal shower. When she gets to the shower, she finds Lila has invited Robin, Maria, Rose, Sandra and Jean. She doesn’t like all the fuss because it makes the whole thing seem “too real.” One of the gifts Lila gives her is a sexy negligee, and Cara kind of freaks out a little when she realizes that if she and Steve get married, it means they’ll have to have sex. This scares the hell out of her and she wishes there was some other way to stay in Sweet Valley besides marrying Steve. That night, Cara’s father calls and says he’s flying in from Chicago for the weekend and has a surprise for her. For some reason, Cara thinks the surprise is that her parents are getting back together. And, for some reason, she thinks that if that happens, her mother won’t have to take the job in London. She goes to sleep relieved that she won’t have to marry Steven after all.

Liz tells Todd about Cara and Steve, and gets upset when he “vehemently” opposes the idea and “takes it personally.” (What he actually says is, “I always thought Steven had a good head on his shoulders. I wouldn’t have thought he’d make a mistake like this.” And later, “They’ll regret tying themselves down so young.”) This is all setup for the next book.

Cara’s father shows up that weekend with a woman named Julia. He announces he and Julia are getting married. Cara gets angry at her father, but mostly at her mother for letting it happen. (Yeah, I don’t get it, either.) All Cara’s doubts about marrying Steve disappear. She’s determined to marry him and run her own life, since blah blah, something about her parents ruining their lives.

Steve gets accepted into a law program at school, something he’s worked very hard for. But it will be too labor-intensive and he won’t be able to support Cara and take on the program, too. He decides to turn it down and  tell his family he didn’t get in. A few days later, Jessica finds the acceptance letter and can’t believe Steve lied. She realizes this marriage is going to cause both parties to make some sacrifices, so she decides to figure out a way to stop it from happening. She spends the remaining days until the wedding telling Cara how awful marriage is going to be, but nothing really works.

Saturday rolls around, and Steve and Cara get in Steve’s car and head for Nevada. As soon as they’re gone, the twins decide they have to tell their parents what’s going on. Ned and Alice are pissed. They call Cara’s mom, and the five of them get in the car and go after Steve and Cara.

At the chapel, Steve says, “I do,” but when it’s Cara’s turn, she says, “No.” Just then, Ned, Alice, Cara’s mom and the twins burst in, yelling at the pastor to stop the wedding. Steve is totally confused and I guess he thinks the whole thing was a setup to humiliate him. He throws the rings on the floor and runs outside. Everyone goes back home. Steve is back in his dorm and he’s not speaking to anyone.

Lila throws a going away party for Cara since it looks like she’s going to have to go to London after all. Liz doesn’t go because she’s upset with Cara for hurting Steve so badly. Cara calls her and asks her to meet her at the Dairi Burger. She’s heartbroken that Steve won’t talk to her, so she tells Liz that the reasons she didn’t marry him are all the reasons Liz didn’t want her to marry him. Duh.

Cara and her mother are leaving the next day. Liz wakes up that morning and it suddenly occurs to her that she should tell Steve what Cara told her. But she can’t just call him. She drives all the way out to the college (it’s an hour away today) to tell Steve that Cara loves him. Then Steve has to drive all the way to the airport so he can get there with only seconds to spare. He finds Cara, tells her he loves her and gives her a kiss. Then she gets on the plane.

Goodbye, Cara. You’re one of the less annoying characters in the series. You’ll be missed.

Quotes:

Cara couldn’t help but smile as she watched her mother arrange cheese and crackers on a tray. She was making her ex-husband’s favorite dinner. It could mean only one thing!

That she’s a good hostess? Also, is cheese and crackers really considered dinner?

Jessica frowned. “But he dreamed of getting into that program. It’s all he’s talked about for the past few months! Now he’s just going to give it up?”

“It looks that way.” Elizabeth stared hard at Jessica. “Do you still think it’s incredibly romantic that Steven and Cara are getting married?”

Christ, I hate when she does that!

The Cover: I’ve always thought Cara was really pretty, and this cover is no exception. Her dress is way too 80s, though. Steve, as always, looks like a tool.