Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: If you want to be the starring quarterback, just make a wish that the current quarterback gets hurt. Sweet Valley is magic like that.

The Big Deal: Football game

Synopsis:

Evan calls Liz and tells her about Conner falling and then passing out the night before. He’s okay. Evan thinks he just passed out from being drunk and he wants Liz to talk to Conner about his problem. He tells her now isn’t the best time because Conner probably has a massive hangover, but Liz goes to his house anyway. When she gets there, Conner just yells at her and tells her to leave. She does, and then Andy comes over. He has no idea what’s going on, and he’s really hurt when he tells Conner he’s gay and Conner just laughs and kind of says, “Of course you are.” Poor Andy, he just wants someone to talk to. Once Andy is gone, Conner digs out his Jack Daniels bottle from under the bed and starts drinking again. You know, just to calm his nerves.

Will and his family are having brunch with the Michigan scout to seal the deal, and Ken sees them go into the restaurant. He’s really bummed because his father is being a jackass, and during an argument he basically told Ken he’s ashamed of him for not being a star football player anymore. Ken starts to feel like he really misses being a starting quarterback and he wishes he was more than just a benchwarmer. There really isn’t anything more to Ken than football, is there?

Jeremy goes to House of Java and apologizes to Jessica for yelling at her the night before. Jessica is relieved, but then Jeremy says he’s going to look for another job. She tries to talk him out of it, but he thinks it’s the best thing to do because he can’t work with Jade anymore. Jessica goes to her boss and tells her about the night Jade called in sick and then showed up with her date. The boss says Jessica has to fire her.

Liz leaves a message for Conner asking him to come to the big football game and talk to her there. Jessica calls Jeremy and asks him to meet her at the game, too. I don’t know why she couldn’t just tell him about firing Jade over the phone, but whatever. Conner shows up drunk. Evan sees him in the parking lot and tries to talk to him, but of course Conner just wants to act like a douchebag. After a cop comes up and says hello to them, Conner realizes he doesn’t want to talk to Liz or anyone else, so he goes home.

Will gets tackled during the game and breaks his leg. He gets rushed to the hospital, and the coach puts Ken in. He throws the ball in a super awesome way or something (I have never even watched a football game, so forgive my lack of knowledge), and the crowd goes wild. Sweet Valley wins, and Ken’s dad – there to cover the game for the paper – comes up to Ken with a big smile on his face. Ken is pissed because he feels like he shouldn’t have to play football for his dad to like him, and he turns his back on him. Maria says something to Mr. Matthews about the fact that he gave up on Ken, and he snaps at her, implying that she won’t like Ken anymore now that he’s going to be playing regularly. That’s a sharp blow, because Maria was just worrying about that herself.

Liz is upset that Conner never showed at the game and Jessica is upset that Jeremy didn’t show, either. Will wakes up in the hospital the next morning and Melissa tells him the doctor doesn’t think he’ll ever play football again.

The Cover: I thought for sure this book was going to be about Melissa and Will breaking up, but I guess it’s really about football. Whatever.

The Moral of the Story: If you act like a total drunken asshole all the time, the girls will be falling all over you.

Synopsis:

Jessica is annoyed about Jeremy and Jade and all the flirting going on at House of Java. Before cheerleading practice one day, Lila overhears Jessica muttering about Jade in the locker room and asks her what’s going on. It’s pretty much the first time Lila has spoken to her in months, so Jessica confides in her. Lila says it sounds like Jeremy is just trying to make her jealous by flirting with Jade. Jessica laughs off the idea at first, but the more she thinks about, the more convinced she becomes that this is actually what Jeremy is doing.

Jessica starts flirting with everyone who comes into House of Java, figuring this is the best way to get Jeremy to notice her again. This plan backfires, of course, because Jeremy assumes all her flirting means she’s over him and it gives him the extra little push he needs to ask out Jade. She says she’ll go out with him Friday night, but then he sees her name on the schedule. Jade tells him she’ll take care of it.

Conner is trying as hard as he can to avoid Tia. He knows making out with her was a big mistake and he doesn’t want to talk about it. He does want to talk to Liz and set things right with her and it seems like she wants to talk to him, too. Unfortunately, they can’t seem to find any alone time. On top of all that, Conner’s mom is driving him crazy by asking him to complete such daunting tasks as checking the chemicals in the pool, and Conner is dealing with it all by drinking the liquor his mom hid around the house back when she was drinking. He finally does get together with Liz and can’t believe it when she tells him she loves him. He says it back and thinks this is it, he doesn’t have to drink anymore. But of course he gets drunk the next time Liz has to work, and then he yells really hurtful things at Tia when she comes over and tries to talk. I can’t figure out why all the girls love this guy.

Jeremy’s date with Jade is kind of stressful because somewhere along the line, Jade has turned into this blunt, sarcastic, adventurous “cool” chick. Jeremy thinks it’s just so neat that she’s using an old camera case as a purse and he almost throws up at the tattoo parlor when Jade gets her bellybutton pierced. After that, Jade suggests going to House of Java. Jeremy guesses she must have found someone to work for her, but realizes that’s not the case when they get there and see Jessica at the counter by herself, totally panicked. Jessica can’t believe Jade would show up after calling in sick, but Jade just laughs at her and takes her coffee out to the patio. Damn, Jade is a little bitch. Jeremy is pissed off. He’s a responsible guy who would never do what Jade just did. He tells her he wants to take her home and then come back and help Jessica close. Jade doesn’t like that one bit and she gets up and storms off to the car. Jeremy drives her home in silence and he’s just starting to gain my respect again, but then Jade kisses him goodnight and he decides he can’t wait to see her again. He goes back and helps Jessica close up shop, and Jessica gives him a hug and tries to kiss him. He pushes her away and tells her they’re just friends. Jessica is embarrassed and hurt.

The next morning, Jessica sees Andy at House of Java and sits next to him on her break. She immediately starts talking about what happened with Jade and Jessica last night. Then Maria comes in and says she’s worried about Ken because his dad is cheating on his girlfriend and Ken got into a fight with him about it. Andy has been trying for a week to get someone to talk to him about his problems, and he’s getting frustrated that nobody will listen to him. He gets fed up when Liz sits down and starts complaining about Tia, and he finally blurts out that he thinks he might be gay. Then he smiles because he’s happy to have finally gotten everyone’s attention.

The Cover: Don’t you smirk at me, Jade. Bitch.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: You can only fuck around on your boyfriend for so long before he finally gets sick of it. In this case, fifteen years.

The Big Deal: Junior Prom

Synopsis:

Devon corners Liz at the beach and yells at her for skipping their date to meet Todd. Then he tells her he’s the one who asked her to come to the beach because he wanted to see which guy she’d choose. Liz tells him she just wanted to return Todd’s ring. Devon immediately starts apologizing and Liz decides to forgive him.

Suddenly, it’s prom night. Devon calls and leaves a message with Jessica for Liz to meet him at some restaurant instead of at Secca Lake like they’d planned. Predictably, Jessica forgets to pass on the message and Liz ends up waiting around for an hour for Devon to show up at the lake. Why isn’t he picking her up at home? I love a good plot contrivance. Todd shows up at the lake. He wanted to go there because it’s “their” place. Liz is touched and confused and stuff, but after waiting so long for Devon, she decides to just go to the prom with Todd.

Meanwhile, Jessica’s limo pulls up at Jordan’s house. Right next to Lila’s limo. They spot each other and race to the front door. When Jordan answers the doorbell, he’s wearing boxers and eating a chili dog. He tells Lila and Jessica they’re a couple of morons for going behind each other’s backs. Then he slams the door in their faces. For some reason, this makes Jessica remember Devon’s message for Liz. She goes to the restaurant, planning to explain herself to Devon, but when she sees him looking all lonely and sad, she can’t help but pretend to be Liz. She figures they can go to Lila’s pre-prom party together, and then when they get to the dance, she and Liz can switch dresses and Devon will never know the difference.

Everything is going just great at Lila’s party except black Maria keeps giving Jessica and Devon weird looks. Enid looks absolutely miserable with Blubber Johnson and Devon keeps suggesting “Liz” go talk to her, but Jessica changes the subject. When everyone is leaving to go to the dance, Courtney Kane shows up. She stomps up the driveway and demands to know where Todd is. He apparently called her and said he decided not to go to the prom, but Courtney is sure he’s with Liz. Lila says nobody’s seen him, but Courtney is welcome to accompany her to the prom to see if he shows up. In the limo, Devon and Jessica flirt a whole bunch and Jessica decides she’s not going to give him back to Liz.

Liz and Todd go straight from the lake to the country club ballroom, reminiscing about old times the whole way. Which I imagine goes something like this: “Hey, remember that time you cheated on me with my sister?” “Which time?” They’re the first ones at the dance and they decide to have a spin around the dance floor before anyone else get there. And of course that’s when the whole crew comes in and sees them together. Courtney screams, “I can’t take this anymore!” and runs out of the room. Everyone else looks on in shock because they think it’s Jessica dancing with Todd. Liz is pretty shocked herself to see Jessica and Devon together. Jessica drags Liz away and comes up with the worst plan ever: Jessica will hang out with Devon and pretend to be Liz all night while Liz enjoys her prom night with Todd. How is this a good plan? So there are two Elizabeths and no Jessicas at this prom? Whatever. They’re not even trying anymore.

Jessica has a great time with Devon, but then Lila drags her off to the bathroom, where she threatens to tell Devon the truth. She’s miserable because she doesn’t have a date, so she wants to spread the misery around. They argue for a minute and then Lila says Jessica’s not worth the effort. After they leave the bathroom, Courtney comes out of a stall feeling like an evil genius. While Jessica talks to some of the cheerleaders, Courtney tells Devon he’s been dancing with Jessica all night. Devon is pissed. He marches over to Todd and Liz and makes a scene. Both Devon and Todd are completely disgusted with the twins. Liz runs out of the room in tears.

Jessica finally decides to come back to the ballroom, and Lila catches her and tells her Devon and Todd found out what was happening and that Liz wants to talk to her and is waiting in the golf shed. Jessica runs off that way, but she doesn’t know that Lila and Courtney are working together to bring the twins down. Liz is actually in the pool house crying to Enid and black Maria. Lila runs in and tells Liz that Jessica wants to talk in the golf shed, and she’s aggravated when Enid and Maria insist on going with her. While Courtney is locking the twins, Enid and Maria in the shed, Lila goes on to do the rest of her job. She’s supposed to convince Todd and Devon to get on the party yacht the school is renting.

Maria’s date, Tyler, and Blubber Johnson find the girls and Blubber breaks down the door. Well, that’s one upside to dating a football player. They run to the dock and get there just as the yacht starts sailing away. They get hold of a speedboat and go after it. I don’t really get what they’re going to do when they get to it, but we never get to find out because as soon as they get close, they see Courtney push Todd overboard. So she’s not just a bitch, she’s also homicidal. Liz jumps in and saves Todd. Once he’s on the speedboat, he thanks Liz for saving his life, but tells her he doesn’t ever want to see her again.

Quotes:

Todd’s jaw tightened. “You heard me. I don’t want to see you anymore. I can’t let you keep playing with me the way you have been.” He closed his eyes, and when he spoke again, his voice sounded distant and harsh, not at all like Todd. “I won’t play the fool anymore, Liz.”

Todd’s breakup speech.

The Cover: Doesn’t Lila look like some kind of dominatrix back there? Or, like, a madam keeping an eye on her girls?

The Moral of the Story: The best way to get the girl is to date her worst enemy or play a trick on her.

The Big Deal: Nothing. Everyone’s getting ready for the big prom.

Synopsis:

It’s time for another prom at Sweet Valley High. Because the last one turned out so well. Liz doesn’t know if she wants to go with Todd or Devon, or even if either of them wants to go with her. Devon thinks proms are stupid and he’d never go to one…unless Liz wanted him to take her. Enid is pretty sure Blubber Johnson is going to ask her and she’s not interested. Jessica and Lila don’t know who they’re going to go with, but they’re sure they can get any guys they want. They decide to rank all the guys they know and make sure the best ones ask them to be their dates.

Todd and Liz are both on the prom committee and they’re totally nervous about seeing each other at the first meeting. But then Todd suggests a 1940s theme that goes over really well with Liz. Now that the ice has been broken, they find it easier to talk to each other. The prom committee meets a few days later in the country club’s ballroom to check things out. Todd is holding a ladder steady for Liz and daydreaming about touching her ankles when Devon walks in and offers to help. Liz immediately ditches Todd and starts hanging out with Devon. Across the room, Enid needs a piece of paper and sees Jessica’s chemistry notebook, which Liz picked up as she ran out the door. Enid picks up the notebook and Winston grabs the piece of paper that falls out. The next day, he reads Jessica and Lila’s list of guys over the intercom at school and then passes out typed copies of it. Nobody will talk to Jessica or Lila, and Jessica decides the whole thing is Liz’s fault.

Devon and Todd each want nothing more than to take Liz to the prom, but neither one of them can work up the nerve to ask her. In the meantime, Liz gets more and more depressed because it’s clear to her that both of the guys she’s in love with only want to be friends with her. At one prom committee meeting, Liz cuts her hand and Devon bandages it for her. Todd is at that moment walking into the building with a bouquet of flowers. He’s all ready to ask Liz to the dance, but then he sees Devon kissing her hand. He turns around, throws the flowers away and goes home to feel sorry for himself. After whining about how unfair his life is, he decides he’ll ask somebody to the dance that will really hurt Liz. “And she’s sure to come running back to my arms.” Bastard.

Since none of the guys at Sweet Valley High will talk to them, Jessica and Lila decide to place personal ads in other schools’ newspapers. They get tons of applicants and set up appointments for them to come meet them at Fowler Crest. Of course, Jessica and Lila both fall for the same guy, Jordan, and they each ask him to the prom without the other knowing. Oddly, he says yes to both of them.

There’s yet another prom committee meeting, and Devon is determined to ask Liz to the prom. Just as he’s about to do it, Todd walks in with Courtney Kane. He looks all smug and jerky. Devon is glad Todd’s out of the picture, but then he notices Liz’s reaction. She’s choking back sobs and generally looking like her life is over.

Devon gives it a few days and then decides to give it another go. He really wants to know if he’d be Liz’s first choice, though, so he decides to be sneaky. He invites her to go to dinner one night. After she accepts, he sends her a bouquet of flowers and a note from Todd, asking her to meet him at the beach at the same time as her date with Devon. Then he waits outside her house and follows her to see where she’s going. When she goes to the beach instead of the restaurant, Devon gets pissed. He doesn’t know she just went there to return Todd’s ring to him.

By the way, Blubber Johnson finally corners Enid and asks her to the prom and she’s too spineless to say no, even though she really doesn’t want to go with him.

Quotes:

“Lisette’s? Why there? That place is so early eighties.”

“Well,” Lila said… “[Bruce has] kissed a lot of girls since you dated him, Jess. How long ago was that? It feels like a decade ago or more.”

Ha, I think this is the ghostwriter’s subtle way of telling Francine the series has gone on for way too long.

Enid returned [Liz’s] smile. “If I dressed up in a tux, I could take you to the prom,” she offered jokingly.

No, don’t even act like you’re joking.

Liz and I belong together – at the prom and everywhere else. We, like, represent the words boyfriend and girlfriend at this school. It’s Liz’s responsibility to go with me. It’s her duty to be head over heels in love with me!

I hate Todd. So, so much.

The Cover: I HATE Liz’s hair. And the look on her face. And Jessica’s dress. And everything about this cover, pretty much.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: If your girlfriend cheats on you and you want to win her back, start making out with another girl.

The Big Deal: Science fair

Synopsis:

After Jessica tells Todd that Liz and Devon are making out on the softball field at school, she puts her hand on his in a suggestive way and offers to fool around with him to get back at Liz. Todd is horrified at the idea. He doesn’t believe his sweet, loyal Liz would ever, ever cheat on him, so he leaves Jessica with the food and races over to the high school to see for himself. When Todd gets to school and sees Liz and Devon together, he decides he will win Liz back. Um, hello? Let the bitch go.

Jessica starts scheming. She figures if she can get Todd to start going out with someone else, Liz will break up with Devon so she can get Todd back, leaving Devon free for Jessica. She decides to get in touch with Courtney Kane and do a little matchmaking.

Since Lila is friends with Courtney, Jessica lets her in on the plan and the three of them get together. Courtney is perfectly willing to be Todd’s rebound chick, so she lets Jessica and Lila give her a makeover so she looks more “soft” and “refined.” More like Liz, in other words, and less skanky. Then they parade her in front of Todd, and he starts to wonder if Jessica is on the right track with this revenge idea. But no, he’d rather cry about Liz and try to win her back by giving her the ring he bought for her. Liz puts it in her jewelry box, and Jessica takes it, figuring it will come in handy.

The next part of Jessica’s plan is to get Devon to notice her again. To that end, she makes sure to bump into him while she’s walking down the hall reading her chemistry book. She tells him she’s having trouble in the subject and he plays right into her hands by offering to help her after school. They meet in the library for about two seconds before Jessica gets pissed because Devon makes some comment about not being surprised she sucks at chemistry. Jessica yells at him and tells him to watch out for Liz because she’s a fickle bitch. Much like destiny.

You know what I'm talking about, Lost fans.

Later, Jessica makes sure Courtney is waiting for Todd after basketball practice. While they’re talking, Jessica, pretending to be Liz, walks across the parking lot. She turns to Todd, sees him with Courtney, reaches into her pocket and puts on Todd’s ring, and then waves at Todd before turning around. Todd is at first excited that Liz seems interested in him again, but then he gets mad that she didn’t want him back until she saw him with Courtney. This pisses him off more than Liz kissing Devon did. And somehow Jessica knew it would. Todd and Courtney leave to go grab some pizza, and Jessica follows them to Guido’s. She calls Liz and asks her to meet her there, and Liz get to the restaurant just in time to see Todd and Courtney making out. Liz runs out the door in horror, but then she starts thinking about things and decides she’s really happy for Todd and she’s going to do whatever it takes to make sure his new relationship works out. That way she’ll be free to be with Devon without feeling guilty.

Then there’s the whole science fair thing. Devon and Liz are going to enter because they’re lab partners. Jessica wants to enter, and she’s sure that Devon will fall madly in love with her if she wins. Unfortunately, Bruce is her lab partner and the best idea they come up with is a volcano. At the fair, Devon is acting all weird and doesn’t really want to win. He didn’t want to enter in the first place, something about people at his old school only knowing him as a smart guy. Yeah, who wants that? When he finds out that somebody (Jessica) ruined his and Liz’s project, he thinks it’s great. Meanwhile, Todd is walking around with Courtney, totally fed up with her snobbishness, and Jessica and Bruce’s volcano blows up.

The next morning, Jessica mentions something to Liz about the ring Todd gave her. Liz decides to give it back to him so he can give it to Courtney. How very noble of her. Liz calls Todd and then goes off to meet him at the Dairi Burger. They get to talking about the ring, and Todd says he saw her wearing it that one day after school. Liz says she never wore it and doesn’t know what he’s talking about. They realize Jessica’s been messing with them both this whole time. As they talk about how much they still care about each other, they hold hands.

Aren't they cute together?

Of course, that’s when Jessica comes in with Courtney and Devon. Devon and Todd start yelling and threatening each other in their cool-guy way, and then out of nowhere, Todd gets down on one knee and asks Liz to marry him. I wish I was kidding. Liz is horrified. So is Devon. He grabs Todd and the two of them start going at it. A couple of football players come break up the fight. Liz goes home and locks herself in her room, disgusted with everyone.

Fight!

Quotes:

Elizabeth would never do this to me, he reassured himself. She would never cheat on me.

What in your experience together would lead you to this line of thinking?

She couldn’t help thinking that Todd never wanted to watch the same movies as she did anymore. They used to watch old classics together all the time. But now he seemed to prefer action movies or psychological thrillers.

Liz, Todd is a dude. You can’t expect him to just watch Casablanca over and over again for the rest of his life.

“How about if we paint it purple?” Jessica suggested. “We could even add tiny yellow flowers or moons.”

Bruce shook his head. “Jessica, volcanoes are brown. And they don’t have little moons on them.”

“Brown?” Jessica asked in alarm. “You want to paint it brown?”

Jessica, seriously, are you still twelve years old?

The Cover: Does the Dairi Burger have a pool table? Nobody has ever mentioned that before. And who the hell are these people? Neither one of these guys look like the Devon from the previous covers.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: If you don’t press charges against a rapist, he’ll blow up your school. *

The Big Deal: Big football game

Synopsis:

Devon Whitelaw is at some crappy motel when he gets a letter from his old nanny, whose name is Nan. She wants him to stay with her in Sweet Valley, California. Devon travels that way and demands to know why Nan hasn’t contacted him in all the years since she quit working for the Whitelaws. It turns out Devon’s parents returned all Nan’s letters to her for no reason I can figure. Nan clearly cares about him, so Devon decides to stay in Sweet Valley. He goes out to explore the town and notices there’s a football game at the high school. He sees a beautiful blond girl with a heart-shaped face and instantly falls in love. Sigh.

Steve posts bail for Lila and it gets him in trouble at work. The twins can’t believe Steve would give up his whole career for Lila and they think the whole sick relationship needs to end. So, while Lila’s going through all the trauma of having her house burn down and being accused of setting the fire, the twins decide to play a trick on her. Bitches. They write Lila a letter from Steve, outlining the wonderful life they’re going to have, family barbecues, tons of kids, simple pleasures the whole way. Lila gets pissed and wonders just what luxuries Steve thinks she’s going to give up.

The next time Steve goes to work, the D.A. fires him. He starts clearing out his desk and finds a picture of Billie. It makes him all teary-eyed. Then he goes to the evidence room to take one last look at the Fowler case. He finds a fragment of the bomb from the restaurant. There’s a piece of a soda can, ProSport lemon, which is the kind of soda John Pfeifer had on his desk at the Oracle office.

Lila and Steve haven’t broken up yet, so Liz decides to write another letter. When Steve reads it, he can’t believe Lila cares so much about having dinner parties and introducing him to the right people. Blah, blah, blah. Who cares? Lila and Steve spend a few days apart, but the twins aren’t satisfied because what if they decide they miss each other? They decide the best thing to do is get them together while they’re still upset about the letters. There’s a big football game coming up and they figure that will be the perfect time.

At the game, Jessica tells Lila that Steve wants to see her, and Liz tells Steve that Lila wants to see him. They meet inside the school and break up amicably, but then Lila mentions Steve’s letter. Confusion follows and they realize the twins set them up. They think it would be funny to go back to the game all lovey-dovey and trick the twins, but on their way there, they see John Pfeifer hiding in some bushes.

John runs away, and Lila and Steve follow him around to the front of the gym. John has gone completely off the deep end. He gives an Evil Villain speech and talks about how he burned down Fowler Crest because he hates Lila for turning him into an outcast. Then he lights the fuse and the gym explodes. Somehow, Lila and Steve are okay, but John dies.

Whoa.

The next morning, Steve’s making breakfast when the D.A. shows up at the front door and offers to give Steve his job back. The twins start jumping up and down and Jessica kisses the D.A. on the cheek, which kind of cracks me up. Then Lila, who spent the night because her parents are STILL out of town, comes downstairs and asks what the commotion is all about. Steve winks at her and tells her the good news, and then he and Lila tell the twins they’re engaged. They get a good laugh out of the looks on the twins’ faces. Steve drives Lila home, and her parents FINALLY show up and tell her how sorry they are and that they’ll never again go someplace where Lila can’t get in touch with them. So I guess that’s resolved.

Quotes:

When Lila had officially been booked, a female officer with frizzy red hair guided her toward the holding cell.

Just so you know, all the cops are ugly. That’s how we know we’re supposed to hate them.

He couldn’t imagine actually fitting in – a cold climate East Coaster in this mellow, warm place.

Oh, don’t worry about that, Devon. Almost all our new students are from the east coast!

The Cover: Is that how the preppy people dressed in January of 1998? I wouldn’t know, I was too busy wearing my crappy Nirvana shirts and holey jeans ‘cause I was just that awesome.

*I’m kidding. But seriously, please press charges if you ever find yourself in this kind of situation.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Working for a fashion magazine will make you crazy.

The Big Deal: Dinner party

Synopsis:

Enid and black Maria decide their lives just aren’t worth living if Liz isn’t their friend, so they decide it’s time to make up. When Liz tells them what Leona’s done, they offer to help get back at her. They, along with Reggie from the office, come up with a super awesome plan. This plan includes Enid and Maria coming to the Flair office for no apparent reason while Liz calls Gordon Lewis, head of the company, to say she has an idea she’d like to discuss with him. Gordon says he’ll stop by her office the next morning. Liz tells him she works in Leona’s office, and then freaks out about making Leona’s office look like it belongs to Liz. Even though Liz has her very own office just down the hall. Whatever. This is stupid.

Jessica goes out to some awesome nightclub with Quentin and has a terrible time. Quentin doesn’t want to dance because the dance floor is too crowded, and he refuses an invitation to party with Eddie Rook, a rock star who happens to be hanging out at the club. Jessica goes outside and walks a couple of blocks. Then she sees someone who looks just like Cameron leaving a fancy restaurant and getting into a Porsche. Jessica figures it’s just lovesickness making her see Cameron. She decides to make him fall in love with her again, so at lunchtime on Monday she goes to the mailroom with a “gourmet lunch” for him. The guy working there says Cameron quit.

Liz finds out about some party Gordon Lewis will be attending, so she and her posse decide to crash it. Furthermore, they decide to go to Leona’s to “borrow” some of her clothes. When they get to the party, Liz stays out of site while Maria and Reggie talk about her in front of Gordon and make her out to be some really important person in the fashion industry. By the time Gordon meets Liz the next morning, he thinks she’s just the greatest thing ever. He loves her idea and wants her to present it to the board that afternoon.

Todd moves into a really crappy apartment. He’s sure he’ll get more modeling jobs and be able to afford something really spectacular any day now. He invites his parents and Simone over for dinner and then, of course, burns the roast he was trying to make. He serves macaroni and toast, Simone is a bitch, his parents try to be supportive and blah, blah, blah. Who cares?

Things are going swimmingly for Liz and Reggie at the board meeting until Leona comes hobbling in on her crutches. She starts yelling that Liz is only an intern who stole her idea. Liz is fired on the spot. This doesn’t really matter because suddenly it’s Friday and the internship is over anyway, but Liz is distraught. Enid, Maria, Jessica, Lila and Amy all rally around her that night, clucking about how bad they feel for her. Then Leona has the nerve to call Liz and invite her to lunch the next day to apologize. She gives her directions to some restaurant up the coast. Liz plans to bring a tape recorder and trick Leona into confessing to stealing Liz’s idea.

The next day, Leona’s directions take Liz along a road at the top of a cliff. Out of nowhere, some jackass in a pickup truck starts bumping the Jeep. Liz almost goes off the road, but then who should show up but Todd the Great. He was driving around Sweet Valley earlier when he saw Liz in the Jeep and decided to follow her. So now he gets behind Liz, edging out the pickup. Liz and Todd pull over and the jackass drives away. Liz is grateful, but not so grateful that she forgets she hates Todd right now. She decides to forget Leona and go home. Todd goes to the police station and gives the cop the pickup’s license number and a description of the jackass. The cops say the jackass is a freelance thug. They suspect someone hired him to hurt Liz.

The cops find the guy the next day and arrest him, and he says Leona Pierson hired him. Over a fucking magazine article. Jesus. Meanwhile, Liz is at Flair with her tape recorder, determined to get Leona’s confession once and for all. But Leona pulls a gun on her and gives an Evil Villain speech about how important her career is and how Liz doesn’t know anything about getting ahead in life. This bitch is insane. The cops show up and arrest her. That night, Todd pulls a Say Anything, playing the Jamie Peters song that was on when he and Liz first “pledged their love to each other.” Then he climbs up to Liz’s window and they make out for a while. Oh, Todd moves back home at some point, of course.

Jessica is pissed because Quentin decided not to use her photos in the magazine. A week after the internship is over, she gets a package in the mail containing the “blue pages” for the upcoming issue. Turns out Jessica’s going to be in the magazine after all. There’s a letter attached, an invitation to a dinner party at the home of Edward McGee, the owner of the corporation that owns Flair. Jessica thinks that’s kind of weird, but is more than happy to show up. When she gets there, Mr. McGee leaves the room to get his son, who turns out to be Cameron. Cameron is the new vice president of Flair and he wanted to get a feel for the company by starting at the bottom, in the mail room. Even though Jessica was the one whoring herself out for the chance to be a model, Cameron is the one who apologizes. They end up making out all night.

Quotes:

Ken ambled over to the table and sat down in one of the plastic chairs. “So Todd, now that you’re busy with Simone, would you mind if I asked Elizabeth out?”

Okay, so he’s joking. But dude, that’s not even a little funny.

Todd desperately wanted this dinner to turn out perfect. He’d invited his parents and Simone and was eager to prove to all three that he could make it on his own.

Listen, Todd. Simone doesn’t care whether or not you can make it on your own, and your parents know you can’t. Just give it up.

The Cover: Liz looks pretty cute, but this doesn’t seem to correlate to anything that actually happened in the book.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: If you’re a dumb jock, modeling can ruin your life. If you’re a Wakefield, modeling is the inevitable next stop on your path to stardom.

The Big Deal: Not much happening.

Synopsis:

Liz just caught Todd and Simone the supermodel making out. She runs away and hides in a closet or something, but Todd finds her. She tells him to fuck off and he gets all indignant and stomps away and then goes out with Simone that night. They dance at a nightclub until the wee hours, and Todd gets his picture in Los Angeles Living the next morning. His parents are not amused. Todd’s grounded. Ha.

When Todd gets to the Flair office the next day, he brings some flowers up to Liz’s floor. The receptionist buzzes her, and a second later Liz’s voice comes over the intercom, saying she never wants to see Todd again. Todd is humiliated, but Liz doesn’t care. She saw the picture of him dancing with Simone and she’s pretty upset about it. She’s decided to totally throw herself into her work and become just like Leona, her supervisor who has suddenly turned into a bitch in this book. Liz still likes her, but you and I can tell she’s a condescending and power hungry jerk.

Jessica is supposed to go out with both Quentin and Cameron on Friday night. She would much rather go out with Cameron because she really likes him, but he’s just a lowly mail clerk and can’t do a thing to further Jessica’s career. She doesn’t want to cancel on either guy, so she gets Liz to help her out. They decide to do exactly the same thing they did in Who’s Who? Hooray for recycled plot lines. Liz takes Cameron first and is surprised to find she actually gets along with him. She’s also surprised that someone who works in the mailroom is so comfortable at Chez Paul, the super fancy restaurant at which Jessica insisted on dining because that was where Quentin was taking her. The twins switch places a couple times during dinner. As you might have expected, Quentin is full of himself and no fun at all. At the end of the night, Cameron kisses Liz on the cheek and thanks her for a lovely evening. He calls her Elizabeth, and Liz realizes it was her watch that gave her away. Because people the world over know about the Wakefield twins and their issues with watches.

Leona calls Liz at home over the weekend and says she won’t be in Monday. She’s going out of town with her boyfriend and she wants Liz to take care of things. Liz does a fine job at the office, but then Leona calls again and says she broke her leg and won’t be able to get around for a few days. She wants Liz to go to her house and feed her cats and shit. Liz is in awe of Leona’s closet full of clothes. She gets really creepy and puts on one of Leona’s outfits and then walks around her condo pretending she’s Leona. Weird. Liz finds a tape recorder full of Leona’s notes-to-self. The tape contains dictation for a letter Leona wants to write to Gordon Lewis, Flair’s president or something. The letter makes it clear that Leona wants to steal Liz’s “Free Style” idea and pass it off as her own. Liz is so traumatized that she goes home and becomes almost catatonic. She stays in bed the next morning and doesn’t get up until Reggie, one of the girls from the office, calls and asks her what’s wrong. Reggie convinces Liz to meet her for lunch. Liz tells her everything, and they decide to go to Gordon Lewis themselves and tell him what a horrible person Leona is.

Jessica exposes some film, ruining an entire set of Simone photos. Simone has already left for the day, so Quentin has no choice but to use Jessica as his model. Just so you know, none of this makes any sense. Is Simone the only model who is ever in this magazine? Do Francine and her ghostwriters really think that a photographer and his model just show up at the magazine office every morning, take pictures until five o’clock and then go home? Whatever. Quentin tells Jessica the board loves her pictures and has given the go ahead to use her again if he wants to. Then he tries to kiss her. And wouldn’t you know it, Cameron chooses that moment to walk by. After the fiasco with dinner on Friday, Jessica managed to convince him she doesn’t really like Quentin, but now Cameron tells her she’s out of chances.

While all this has been going on, Todd’s been getting too big for his britches. He doesn’t appreciate being grounded, and when Simone says he’s too old to listen to his parents, Todd agrees to meet her at another club. He gets caught again. He really sucks at breaking rules. Then he misses dinner one night and his parents tell him he needs to stop modeling because they don’t like what it’s doing to him. Todd decides he doesn’t like their rules so he’s just gonna go ahead and move out of their house. Oh man, I can’t wait to see how this turns out.

Quotes:

Elizabeth scowled, feeling like a nobody, a nothing. She felt like her entire self had been made worthless. She could change her interests, but she couldn’t change her looks. She’d never be six feet tall. She’d never look like a supermodel.

Oh, cry me a river. Aren’t you one of those twins with golden hair and a perfect size six figure?

Ever since her obsession with Jonathan Cain, a deranged transfer student who had been at Sweet Valley for a month, [Enid’s] life had been entirely guyless.

Oh, now don’t even try to act like he was just some psycho. You know he was really a vampire.

The Cover: Jessica looks pretty creepy in her weird ugly shoes. This photographer guy looks like he’s about twelve. And why is he just holding that rinky dink camera like that? This is such a stupid cover.

The Moral of the Story: Even a glamorous fashion photographer can’t resist a sixteen-year-old airhead.

The Big Deal: Big internship thing.

Synopsis:

It’s not summer, but it is time for another internship for the twins. The high school is letting students intern for two weeks at whatever company will hire them. Most kids end up working for their parents (Lila rudely answers phones for Fowler Industries), but the twins manage to get on at Flair magazine in L.A. Liz will be doing administrative type things while Jessica works as an assistant to Quentin Berg, a super fabulous photographer.

Jessica can’t believe it when she goes into work and nobody notices how gorgeous she is. She’s pissed that Quentin Berg has her doing grunt work; she was sure he’d ask her to model the second he laid eyes on her. Quentin is only in his early twenties, so Jessica figures she’ll get him to fall in love with her and then he’ll put her on the cover of the magazine. Trouble is, he’s already dating super skinny and famous model Simone no-last-name. Jessica meets a guy named Cameron and finds him really attractive and funny and stuff, but he’s a lowly mailroom worker so she convinces herself she doesn’t really like him.

Jessica thinks the best way to get ahead in the modeling industry is to create a portfolio. She gets a bunch of pictures of herself in her cheerleading uniform and puts them in a scrapbook. When she smugly shows them to the hairstylist at the magazine, he laughs at her and tells her some crappy snapshots aren’t going to get her anywhere. Jessica is disappointed, but decides the best thing to do is steal one of Quentin’s super duper cameras and have Lila take some pictures of her on the beach. Of course the camera gets ruined when a big wave knocks Lila over.

Liz is really into her internship, which of course makes Todd jealous and annoying. He shows up at the magazine office one afternoon and tries to get Liz to leave work early with him. Liz can’t believe he’d suggest such a thing and tells him to go hang out with Jessica in the photography department. As soon as Quentin sees Todd, he asks him to pose for him. Jessica is livid. Then Liz comes down and flips out when she sees Todd and Simone posing with their arms around each other. Todd leaves with her, but can’t stop talking about what a wonderful time he had modeling with Simone. Liz goes out with black Maria that night, but she’s so preoccupied and annoyed with Todd that she doesn’t listen to anything Maria says. They have a big fight because Liz is a self-centered brat.

The next day, Liz comes up with this brilliant idea to have one reader a month submit her very own views of fashion and have it published in the magazine. She wants to call it “Free Style.” Her supervisor, Leona, tells her it’s a good idea, but she’s not sure the editor will like it. This sends Liz into a depression and makes her feel like a failure. Oh, shut up. She feels bad and can’t wait for her date with Todd that night. Meanwhile, Quentin is freaking out about his missing camera. Jessica calls Lila to beg for a loan to replace the camera, but Lila’s too cool for that shit. Cameron overhears this and somehow wrangles up a replacement. He puts it on Quentin’s desk with a note from Jessica that says she had it cleaned or something. Quentin is totally impressed with her initiative. Jessica doesn’t know who helped her, but it doesn’t really faze her; someone always bails her out of whatever trouble she’s in.

Liz feels bad for neglecting Enid and Maria, so she invites them to meet her at the office on Wednesday night after work so they can go out for coffee. As soon as they get there, Leona asks Liz to stay late. Liz shrugs sheepishly and basically tells her friends to fuck off. What a bitch. She later says she’ll make it up to them by hanging out on Friday night, but then Leona tells her about some office party that Liz just has to attend. Liz says she really can’t, but Leona insists that if Liz really wants a career at Flair, she’ll come to the party and bring a date. Okay then. Liz knows Todd is downstairs in the photography department, so she goes down there to patch things up with him and ask him to go to the party with her. She finds him making out with Simone.

Jessica has managed to get Quentin interested in her. He wants to take her to dinner on Friday. Then Jessica kisses Cameron. He also wants to take her to dinner on Friday. Whatever will poor Jessica do?

Quotes:

[Enid’s] coppery brown hair, which had only recently fully grown out after she had dyed it black some time ago, swung against her neck.

Yeah, it took me a few years to “fully grow out” my hair after I dyed it black.

“I don’t know if it’s true, but I’ve heard she had silicone injections to make her lips fuller,” Shelly whispered. “And maybe a nose job too.”

“Yuck!” Jessica exclaimed.

A supermodel having plastic surgery?! You’ve got to be kidding!

Todd’s mouth twisted as if he’d eaten something sour. “Visit Jessica?” he asked… “When was the last time I voluntarily hung out with your psycho twin?”

I don’t know. When was the last time you made out with her?

“If you’re going to start giving me orders too now that you’re a hotshot fashion model,” Jessica threatened, “I will personally tell Simone about the time in sixth grade when you cooked a southern meal for social studies and put in too much hot sauce and used salt instead of sugar and the whole class got sick!”

Come on, Jess. You’ve got to have more embarrassing stuff on Todd than that.

The Cover: At no point in this book do the twins go to the beach together. Stupid new photo covers.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: Jessica Wakefield always gets her man. Especially if Enid is her competition.

The Big Deal: Party at Jonathan’s creepy mansion

Synopsis:

Todd shows up at Liz’s house just in time to see her in Joey’s arms. He gets pissed and gets back in his car. Liz says they can fight later but they have to find Jessica right now. Todd is all, “Fuck off, bitch,” as he drives away. He goes home and rips up his pictures of Liz and decides he’s not going to be Mr. Nice Guy anymore. I really hope this means they’re breaking up for good. Joey and Liz jump in Joey’s car and she explains everything to him on the way to Secca Lake to see if the murder victim is Jessica.

It isn’t. We know this because Jessica is at this moment at Jonathan’s house making out with him. He stops kissing her and tells her to get the out “before it’s too late.” Jessica thinks he’s afraid he won’t be able to resist making out with her or something and just keeps flirting. Jonathan finally gives up and closes the front door. He starts making out with Jessica, but then tells her he can’t get involved with her and she’ll have to leave.

Enid is having Jonathan withdrawals. She drives to his house and curses the Wakefields when she sees the twins’ Jeep out front. She looks in the window and sees Jessica and Jonathan kissing. She gets all discouraged until Jessica runs out of the house, crying. Then she goes inside and Jonathan starts making out with her. This guy gets around. He starts sucking on Enid’s neck and that’s the last thing she remembers until she wakes up in the morning in her bed at home.

At school, good old Chrome Dome Cooper holds an assembly and says the girl who was murdered on Saturday night was a cheerleader from Palisades High. Sweet Valley is going to start enforcing a curfew: nobody under the age of eighteen is allowed out after ten o’clock. After the assembly, Jessica tries to tell Amy and Lila about her makeout session with Jonathan. They start giggling and tell her Jonathan gave Enid a hickey the same night. Ha, remember hickeys?

Todd dyes his hair black and joins the goth movement. Actually, all the guys want to look like Jonathan and have all started wearing black. Even Winston is doing it, though he makes a joke out of it all by wearing black tuxedo jackets with brightly colored ties. I’m starting to love Winston a little bit. The guys think the curfew is a total bummer and they decide to liven things up at SVH by getting Jonathan to throw a party. Jonathan says he doesn’t want to do that, but Todd and Bruce start inviting people anyway.

That night, Jonathan is pacing around his house, all upset because of his “hunger.” He wants Jessica, but she’s too important to him and it’s too dangerous. So he calls Enid and asks her to come over. ‘Cause it wouldn’t really matter if he accidentally killed her in a fit of vampire passion. Jessica calls but he tells her he’s sick. She decides to come over with some homemade chicken soup. This girl doesn’t even know how to do laundry, but she can make her own chicken soup. I’m so sure. When she gets there and sees Enid with her wild hair and smudged lipstick, she throws the thermos of soup at Jonathan and leaves. Enid tries to help him clean up the mess, but he gets pissed and tells her to get out. Jonathan is grateful to Jessica because if she hadn’t shown up, he would have hurt Enid. He’s one of those tortured vampires who really doesn’t want to kill anyone. He just can’t help it. A few nights later, Jessica can’t find Jasmine the cat. She goes outside and finds the cat’s dead body. Ewwww.

Liz has been going out with Joey ever since Todd found them together, but she isn’t sure she really likes him anymore. He’s acting all condescending ever since he started college. And he keeps taking Liz around Sweet Valley and showing her places like Miller’s Point and the Dairi Burger as though Liz hasn’t lived here her whole life. At the Dairi Burger, Joey asks Liz if she wants to do something the next night. Liz promised Jessica she’d go with her to Jonathan’s party, but she doesn’t want to bring Joey and flaunt her relationship with him in front of Todd or something so she lies to him and says she’s going to a movie with Jessica. Then, of course, Caroline Pearce comes over and mentions the party and how much Jessica is looking forward to going. Joey gets pissed and leaves Liz at the restaurant.

Jonathan’s party is just awesome. Jessica sneaks upstairs to meet Jonathan. The lights go out while she’s sitting on his bed. He comes in and they start kissing. Liz is downstairs freaking out. She somehow convinces Todd to help her get the lights back on. They go downstairs and mess with the breakers. When the lights come back on, they hear somebody scream upstairs. They run up and find Amy’s visiting cousin (and Todd’s date), Katrina, dead, her blood drained.

Quotes:

Todd turned up the collar of his black leather jacket and swaggered slowly into the cafeteria on Tuesday at lunchtime, imitating Jonathan’s walk. He was wearing black jeans and a black denim shirt with a white T-shirt underneath. His face was unshaven, and he’d dyed his hair black. Todd’s new look gave him a sense of fresh confidence.

UGH.

The Cover: These kids seem to think this party requires formal dress.