The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Arts and Crafts Fair

New Kid with a Problem: Ginny Lu Culpepper, hillbilly

Synopsis:

Ginny Lu Culpepper has moved in with her aunt, Mrs. Waldron, a teacher at Sweet Valley Middle School. Ginny Lu is from Tennessee, so she has red hair and talks loud. The first thing Ginny Lu does when she rolls into town is go to the middle school to find her aunt. She interrupts Elizabeth’s class to ask Mrs. Arnette where Mrs. Waldron is, and her voice and clothes make Ellen Riteman hate her immediately.

Mrs. Waldron takes Ginny Lu to the mall for some new clothes, and Ginny Lu is simply amazed at all the shiny sparkly things that just don’t exist in Stony Gap, Tennessee. Ellen and Lila appear out of nowhere and pretend to be helpful, giving Ginny Lu a bunch of really ugly clothes and telling her they’re all the rage out here in California. She comes out of the dressing room wearing the following items of clothing:

• Leopard-skin tights
• Blue and white striped knee socks over the tights
• Orange leather miniskirt
• Huge green sweater
• Banana earrings

Here is a visual representation of this outfit:

Not pictured: banana earrings

The saleslady asks Mrs. Waldron if Ginny Lu is color blind. Ellen and Lila have gathered a crowd outside the shop to laugh at Ginny Lu. The Unicorn Welcome Wagon, ladies and gentlemen.

The next day at school, Ginny Lu overhears Ellen, Janet and Lila talking about her. She decides she’s had enough and she runs away from school. She doesn’t stop running until she comes upon the stables, which is where Liz finds her when she goes for her horseback riding lesson. Ginny Lu has a way with horses, and she’s made friends with a pregnant mare named Snow White. Naturally, Snow White is Ellen’s horse. And naturally, Ellen shows up and yells at Ginny Lu to go away. Liz tells her to leave Ginny Lu alone and stop being such a bitch. Not bloody likely.

Ginny Lu gives Liz a doll she whittled, and Mrs. Wakefield says it’s “a lovely example of Appalachian folk art.” She’s an interior designer so she knows about these things. Liz decides Ginny Lu should enter her dolls in the big Arts and Crafts Fair at school. Ginny Lu would rather keep her head down and keep out of the Unicorns’ way, but Liz is determined and she eventually convinces Ginny Lu to enter.

Things are going just fine at the fair and everyone seems to be getting into Ginny Lu’s weird poem that she’s decided to recite, but Ellen makes fun of her. And so, like a true Sweet Valley girl, Ginny Lu freaks out and runs away in tears. She goes home and packs a suitcase, then goes to the stables to say goodbye to Snow White. She’s running away, back to the mountains, where life is simple for a redheaded girl who talks too loud and wears gingham dresses.

When she gets to the stable, Snow White has given birth and Ted the stable boy is having some trouble. The foal is premature and won’t stand up to nurse and Snow White won’t let Ted get near him. It’s Ginny to the rescue. Ted has called the Ritemans, so of course Ellen shows up during Ginny Lu’s rescue operation, but she finally gets it through her head that the foal will die without Ginny Lu’s help. After things settle down, Ellen apologizes and lets Ginny Lu name the foal. She names him Sooner. “Because he decided he’d rather get here sooner than later. And now that he’s here, he’s decided he’d sooner stay.” Ugh.

Meanwhile, in Jessicaland… Jessica let Janet Howell borrow Ned’s prized tennis racket, and she broke it. Jessica wants to buy a new one before her dad notices the old one is gone, but it’s fifty dollars. After a couple of failed attempts at getting money (selling Liz’s clothes in a garage sale and doing Steven’s chores to get his allowance money), she hits the jackpot when she finds out a local shop will buy Ginny Lu’s whittled dolls for twenty-five dollars each. She sets herself up as Ginny Lu’s agent and slithers away with ten percent. The new tennis racket is on the way and only Liz is the wiser.

Quotes:

Their father, who was usually warm and funny, had no sense of humor when it came to his tennis racket.

Well, sure. Who does?

“I think you should get started right away,” Steven declared. He pulled a broom and dustpan from under his bed and handed them to Jessica.

I’d just like to know if anyone else keeps a broom and dustpan under the bed.

The Cover: First of all, let’s just take a moment to really soak in Liz’s smugface. That self-satisfied “I sure am good at making friends” face just makes me want to puke. (Also, doesn’t she look a little like DJ Tanner here?) And second, Ginny Lu looks exactly like you would expect a Ginny Lu to look: like she came straight out of Little House on the Prairie. (No offense meant to any Ginny Lus in the audience.)

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Basketball championship game

Synopsis:

The Unicorns’ favorite soap opera, All the World, is coming to Sweet Valley to film an episode. Why? Because Sweet Valley is the most amazing place in the world. Kent Kellerman, heartthrob of the show, is going to be there and the Unicorns are desperate to meet him. Unfortunately, he’s only going to be in town on a Monday during school hours. Brooke Dennis tells Liz her dad is working on the show but she doesn’t want everyone to know because then they’ll all want her to introduce them to Kent. So of course Liz tells Jessica because she can’t possibly keep such a big secret from her very own twin. Jessica promises Liz she won’t say anything, so she has to come up with some devious plan to use this information.

Jessica talks it over with Lila and they decide to offer Brooke a spot on the Booster squad. They figure she’ll be so grateful that she’ll offer to introduce them to Kent. Jessica finds out Liz and Julie are meeting Brooke at Julie’s house to talk to her about being on the school newspaper staff, and since newspaper is the opposite of Booster squad (and a person can only do one or the other) Jessica decides to get to Brooke first. She races over to Julie’s house and catches Brooke before she can knock on the door. She tells Brooke that Julie and Liz aren’t going to make it and Brooke should just come to the Dairi Burger with her. About an hour later, Julie and Liz decide Brooke isn’t going to show, so they decide to go get some lunch. Where? The Dairi Burger, of course.

Jessica’s plan is flawless. After she and Lila tell Brooke she’d make a great Booster, they start talking about Kent Kellerman. Brooke is so grateful that the popular girls want her on their super exclusive cheering squad that she offers to try to get them passes to the set. Liz has arrived by this point and she’s appalled at Jessica’s behavior.

Brooke gets the passes, but she tells Lila and Jessica that the filming will be over by the time school lets out. Caroline says Ms. Langberg the gym teacher has jury duty and won’t be in school all week, so Jessica and Lila decide to skip lunch and gym and go to the film set. Liz thinks this is a horrible idea and she freaks out when Amy tells her Caroline was wrong about Ms. Langberg. Liz uses the rest of her lunch period to go downtown and bring Jessica and Lila back. The girls think they might get away with it, but they run right into Mrs. Knight, the principal’s secretary. Now, somehow, Mrs.  Knight gets back to school before they do (what is she doing downtown in the first place?) and tells Mr. Clark that Jessica and Lila were cutting class. She apparently did not see Liz.

Jessica and Lila are in big trouble. Their punishment is to wash blackboards after school every day for the rest of the week, and they won’t be allowed to participate in any after school activities. Oh no! There’s a basketball championship coming up and Jessica is the star player! (Since when?) Jessica convinces Liz to participate in a good old-fashioned twin switch, and even gets Liz to agree to switch for after-school practices. This means Liz is washing blackboards while Jessica is practicing in the gym. It also means Liz is going to miss an important interview for the Sixers. Mr. Bowman goes to the gym and tells Jessica-as-Elizabeth that the famous ballerina she’s supposed to be interviewing will be at her hotel at four and she can interview her there. Jessica gets Brooke to agree to the interview, but of course she fucks up and tells her to go to the ballet school instead of the hotel.

The ballerina has to go back to San Diego, and Brooke and Liz can’t think of anyone else they can interview for the paper. Then Kent Kellerman falls into their laps. He’s going to be having dinner with Brooke and her father, and Liz is invited to join them. Kent’s even agreed to answer a few questions for the paper. Jessica wants to go, but she’s grounded for cutting class. HA! Liz does get her an autograph though, because that’s what nice sisters do.

Finally, it’s Friday night. Basketball night. Jessica is determined to prove she’s better than Billie Layton, the new girl on the team. Billie starts the game, but Jessica comes in halfway through and wins it for the team. She even wins the MVP trophy (with Elizabeth’s name on it). Hooray. Moving on.

Liz has been feeling guilty all week because she cut class and didn’t get punished (except that she washed blackboards every day as Jessica, but whatever). She tells her parents and Mr. Clark what she did and feels just great when she’s sentenced to another week of washing blackboards. Thankfully, she has the sense to make Jessica switch places with her and wash them herself.

Setup for the next book: Sarah Thomas hates weekends.

Quotes:

“It’s just not right,” Elizabeth said. “I did something wrong and I should be punished, too.”

Shut up, Liz. You can flog yourself later.

“Marvelous Marvin!” Elizabeth said. She remembered how foolish everyone had felt when they discovered Mr. Mercandy was the victim of a stroke and not a zombie as they’d thought.

I love the matter-of-fact way Liz remembers thinking the man was a zombie.

The Cover: I can’t tell which twin that’s supposed to be. Based on the actual story, I’d say it’s actually Jessica because Liz was never caught like that. But the tag line throws me off.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Nothing much.

Synopsis:

The school is putting on a production of Carnival, and Jessica wants to play the leading role for two reasons: 1.) She’s Jessica and that’s what Jessica does, and 2.) she’d be playing opposite Bruce Patman and he’s, like, so dreamy. Jessica is a little concerned because the role requires singing and her main competition is Dana Larson, who knows how to sing.

Alice Wakefield hasn’t been feeling well lately. She goes to the doctor and tells the kids she has to have a lump in her neck biopsied. Since Ned is out of town, it’s just Alice and the kids at home. Jessica puts herself in charge of bossing around her siblings, telling them to do the laundry and make dinner, while she hangs out in her mother’s bedroom, taking care of her. Steven is pissed but Liz tells him they shouldn’t bother their poor sick mother with such nonsense. This apparently means they also can’t tell Jessica she’s being obnoxious, because Liz pokes Steven in the ribs every time he starts to yell at Jessica.

Alice tells the children there’s a very small chance the lump on her neck could be cancerous. Jessica immediately assumes that’s exactly what it is and she starts imagining how all alone and depressed she’ll be when her mother dies. Caroline Pearce calls the house for some stupid contrived reason, and Jessica tells her she can’t talk because her mother is very sick and needs her right away.

Caroline apparently has the phone number of every kid at Sweet Valley Middle School, and everyone has heard the news about Mrs. Wakefield by the time the twins get to school the next morning. Jessica, who truly does believe her mother is dying, lets everyone take care of her and be super nice to her, while Liz tries to dispel the rumors.

On Friday, Alice finally gets her test results back and tells the kids she just has a virus. Jessica doesn’t get a chance to fill her schoolmates in before Carnival auditions, and since everyone still thinks her mother is dying, Jessica is offered the role. The drama teacher has talked it over with Dana and the other hopefuls, and everyone agrees it’s the right thing to do. Jessica decides she’ll let everyone go on thinking that just over the weekend and on Monday she’ll tell them her mother is fine.

To Jessica’s horror, Dana and the other girls show up at the Wakefield house on Saturday. When they walk in and find a happy family instead of a family in mourning, they want to know what’s going on. Jessica lies and says they just found out her mom is going to be fine, and to ease her guilty conscience, she tells Dana she should play the lead in the musical. The drama teacher calls the next day to tell Jessica she heard about Dana taking the lead and she’d like to offer Jessica another part that will give her a chance to show off her dancing. Hooray for never having to work to earn anything.

There’s also a bit about Jessica obsessing over some amazing sweater with a unicorn embroidered on it. Her parents buy it for her in the end. Of course.

The Cover: Steven looks like he’s trying really hard to have a real expression on his face. He’s almost pulling it off! Liz is wearing a very stylish outfit. And by stylish I mean AWFUL.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Circus!

Synopsis:

Jessica has made it her mission in life to meet an older guy. She’s sick to death of being treated like a twelve-year-old. With this in mind, she and Lila go to the roller rink, where Jessica meets Josh Angler. He’s sixteen and can DRIVE! Jessica tells him she’s fourteen and a half, and he asks her out for Saturday night. Jessica knows her parents will never go for this, so she tells Josh to pick her up at Lila’s instead.

Josh decides they should double with his friend Sam Morse. Sam’s girlfriend, Melanie, is a freshman at SVH. This is a problem because Jessica told Josh she was a freshman. She can’t answer any of Melanie’s questions about homeroom teachers and whatnot, so Jessica says she just moved to Sweet Valley a couple months ago. Then Josh takes them all to the Dairi Burger. Caroline Pearce is there and Jessica ignores Caroline’s attempts to speak to her. Melanie refers to Caroline as “Anita’s younger sister” and later mentions that Josh recently broke up with someone named Anita, but Jessica doesn’t put any of this together. Josh asks Jessica out for the following weekend.

Liz and Amy go to the mall a few days later, and a really cute blond guy tells Liz he can’t wait to see her Saturday night. Amy tells her that was JOSH ANGLER, OMG. Josh is apparently some kind of celebrity in Sweet Valley. He plays SOCCER AND EVERYTHING! Liz realizes Josh must have mistaken her for Jessica, and now she’s worried about Jessica going out with someone so much older. She confronts Jessica and tells her going out with Josh would be a bad idea, but Jessica acts all hurt and says she and Josh just talk on the phone and they have a phone date for Saturday. At dinner that night, Jessica tells her parents she’s been invited to stay with Kerry Glenn’s family at their Tahoe cabin that weekend. (Who the hell is Kerry Glenn?) The Wakefield parents would like to talk to Kerry’s parents, so Jessica gets Lila to call and pretend to be Mrs. Glenn. Alice Wakefield is a moron, remember, so of course she falls for it and tells Jessica she can go.

In other news…the circus is in town and Mr. Wakefield has disappointed the whole family by forgetting to get tickets. Going to the circus is a yearly family tradition, but Ned is a doofus. He finally does end up acquiring tickets, but Steven says he’s already made plans to go with friends, and of course Jessica will be at “the cabin.” Jessica calls Josh later that night and asks him what they’re going to be doing that Saturday. He says it’s a big surprise, but they’ll be going with some friends of his. I have a prediction. Do you think…maybe…they’ll be going to the circus? And maybe…there’s a connection between Steven’s friends and Josh’s friends? Hmmmm.

Amy Sutton has been talking to Caroline and she’s found out all kinds of stuff about this Josh character. He used to go out with Anita Pearce, but they broke up three weeks ago. Anita wants to get back together, but she’s heard around school that Josh has met someone named Jessica. Amy tells all this to Liz, who goes home and yells at Jessica. Jessica plays dumb and says Josh lied to her about his age. She promises to tell him off next time she talks to him. Yeah, right.

On Saturday night, Josh picks Jessica up at Lila’s, then gets his cousin Megan. As Megan directs Josh to her date’s house, Jessica realizes they’re driving through her own neighborhood. Oh, dear. While Megan goes to the door to get Steven, Josh tells Jessica he just wants to be friends because he’s still in love with Anita Pearce. Jessica hardly cares because at this point the date is a total disaster anyway. Steven doesn’t see Jessica until he’s in the car. He doesn’t give her away, but hollers at her as soon as they get to the circus and have a minute alone. Then, of course, the rest of the Wakefield clan shows up and Jessica runs off to hide in the bathroom. Anita Pearce walks in and Jessica has an idea. She tells Anita that Josh still loves her and she should go talk to him.

After the show, Jessica’s group runs into the Wakefields and the whole sordid thing comes out. Josh is pissed at first, but he gets over it because he and Anita are getting back together. The Wakefield parents aren’t quite as understanding and they ground Jessica for two weeks. Things aren’t all bad, though. Everyone at school thinks Jessica’s secret affair with an older man is the height of romance, and they think she’s just so amazing for stepping aside so Anita and Josh could get back together.

Quotes:

In all likelihood Jessica was telling the truth, and Josh had just mistaken her for someone else.

Yeah, that’s the most likely scenario…

“He obviously likes you and was afraid – and rightly so – that you wouldn’t agree to go out with him once you knew his real age. But it’s a rotten, rotten thing to do. He could have really hurt you. If I were you, I’d tell him exactly what you think of the way he’s behaved!”

Sometimes Liz sounds like a British nanny.

The Cover: Josh looks like a giant.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Sixth grade class presidential election, party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Linda Lloyd, sixth grade class president, has to move to Texas, so the sixth grade gets to elect someone new. The Unicorns, of course, think the new president should be a Unicorn. To complicate matters, there’s a question of what should be done with the money the book fair brings in. The Unicorns think the money should go toward a big party for the sixth grade, while Liz and Amy think it should buy a VCR for the library. (LOL, remember VCRs?)

Amy and Julie nominate Liz, and the Unicorns nominate Jessica. Oh, disaster. Jim Sturbridge nominates Randy Mason as a joke. Jessica is sure she’s got this thing in the bag, considering Randy is a great big nerd and Liz isn’t far off. Lila calls Amy and says the Boosters are having a campaign pool party at Lila’s, and when Liz mentions it to Jessica, Jessica accuses her of spying.

So now the twins are fighting, and the next morning Liz’s stack of campaign flyers goes mysteriously missing from the school library. Liz gets in trouble later because they’ve been thrown into the school fountain. While she, Amy and Julie fish them all out, they see Lila and Ellen watching them and giggling. When Jessica finds out what Lila and Ellen did, she gets it into her head that Liz is going to do something awful to get back at her. She goes snooping in Liz’s room and finds out Liz is planning to hold a rally after the soccer game on Friday. Jessica and Lila decide they have to figure out a way to stop it.

Because of her rich daddy, Lila is able to get her hands on a few boxes of Johnny Buck’s not-yet-released single. The Unicorns spread out through the crowd at the soccer game and tell everyone they need to get out to the parking lot now if they want a copy. By the time the game is over, the stands are empty and Liz’s rally is ruined. In retaliation, she draws mustaches on all Jessica’s flyers. A big fight ensues and the twins aren’t speaking to each other.

Randy Mason has his own little rally, and he says he would use the book fair money to throw the party, but he’d sell tickets to get in and use the ticket money to buy a VCR. Liz is too dumb to have thought of that and she thinks it’s a great idea. She’s pretty sure Randy won’t get elected because he’s such a nerd, so she decides to say that’s what she’ll do with the money. She’s sure she’ll get elected that way, and then the school can have the party and the VCR, as opposed to just the party if Jessica wins. However, she feels like it might not be the right thing to do, even if she gives Randy credit for the idea.

At the assembly the next day, Jessica gives a speech that makes it clear she has absolutely no idea what a class president does. All she wants to talk about is the party. When it’s Liz’s turn to speak, she tells everyone she’s dropping out of the race and she hopes all her supporters will vote for Randy instead because he has the best ideas. Then Randy talks about all his ideas and it’s obvious he’s the best man for the job. He wins the election and asks Liz to be his “special executive assistant” and asks Jessica to help him organize the party.

Quotes:

Julie looked worried. “I hope Lila isn’t planning any dirty tricks to play on you.” Lila was famous for her clever schemes.

Elizabeth shook her head firmly. “Even if she does, Jessica would never go along with it. She wouldn’t do anything like that.”

Since when?

The Cover: Liz needs to stop baring her teeth like that. She looks like she’s going to bite someone. And holy Jesus, that button is as big as her head. Literally.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Mini Olympics

New Kid with a Problem: Pamela Jacobson, heart condition

Synopsis:

Liz’s new friend this week is Pamela Jacobson. Pamela is a recent transfer to Sweet Valley Middle School. She has a heart condition and was attending the “special” school, but all she wants is to be a normal kid! So she’s gotten her parents to let her transfer, but at the first sign of fatigue or depression, it’s back to Ridgedale.

Steven Wakefield has been annoying the twins by saying he has ESP. They want him to STFU, so they tell him people with ESP have visions. That night Jessica puts on a ghost costume and climbs a ladder up to Steve’s window. Steve opens the shade and starts screaming, and he scares Jessica so much that she falls off the ladder and sprains her ankle. She has a fun time getting fawned over at school the next day, but by the second day she’s sick of her crutches and she just wants her old life back, dammit.

Jessica has been put in charge of the Mini Olympics at school. Ever since Liz started getting to know Pamela, she’s been trying to get Jessica to change the Olympics and put in more activities for kids who can’t do athletic stuff. Jessica thought it was a lame idea, but now that she’s handicapped herself, she thinks Liz just might be on to something. She doesn’t care anything about Pamela, but Lila’s been trying to take over her job as chairman and Jessica thinks this is the perfect opportunity to get the power back.

Pamela’s parents don’t think she’s progressing very well at normal school, and they’ve decided that she’ll go back to Ridgedale next month if things don’t improve. They seem convinced that since she can’t do anything athletic, she’s totally isolated from the rest of the kids. I don’t get it. I never did anything athletic in school and I don’t feel like I was ever lacking in friends. But whatever…Pamela says she’d like to stay at Sweet Valley Middle, and her eighth-grade brother is pissed because he’s embarrassed of her. Pamela starts thinking they’re right, that the fact that she can’t participate in the Mini Olympics means she shouldn’t have even tried to go to a normal school.

Jessica goes to Pamela’s house and tells her she needs her advice about what kind of special activities can be added to the Mini Olympics, and she convinces Pamela to go to that night’s committee meeting with her. She figures that if Pamela is there, the faculty advisers won’t put up too much of a fight about changing things around. She also figures that Lila will argue and end up looking like a jerk. Who needs enemies, right?

Pamela and Jessica spend many long hours reorganizing the plans for the Olympics. What they come up with is ridiculous. One of the new events is a bed-making contest, which is just, like, what? But okay, fine. Let’s say there’s someone on your team who is awesome at making beds. You can’t just put that person in the bed-making contest. Names will be drawn at random to decide who will participate in each event. I think this is really dumb. Only Lila agrees with me.

The day is broken up into three parts. First, the talent competition. Each team puts on a skit and performs a song. Next, Brainpower. Spelling bees and such. Then, the bed-making and wheelchair races, along with Crutch Croquet and junk like that. So, no actual sports at all. I thought this new version was supposed to accommodate everyone?

Pamela and Jessica both end up on the blue team, and they’re tied with Lila and the red team at the end of the day. The last event is the wheelchair race, and Pamela wins it for the blue team. Way to go, Pam. I’m a little confused, though. The entire book, we’re told she can’t even walk up a flight of stairs without stopping to rest her weak heart, but she can exert herself enough to win a wheelchair race? Whatever, good job, blue team. Pamela’s father sees how much everyone loves her now that she’s won something, and he decides she can stay at Sweet Valley.

Setup for the next book: Ellen and Jessica find a mysterious box buried in Ellen’s back yard.

Quotes:

“Unless you’re really pretty, or really good at sports, or really smart, no one notices you.”

That’s right, Liz. If you’re not doing anything terribly noticeable, you probably won’t get noticed.

Lila frowned. “It sounds ridiculous,” she said. “Who ever heard of a bed-making contest in a Mini Olympics?”

Indeed, Lila. I hear you, sister.

The Cover: I don’t really know what the tag line has to do with anything. “Is Jessica really as perfect as she thinks she is?” I guess? Pamela’s cute, but I hate her 80s hair. Jessica seems to be swimming in that huge pink sweatshirt.

The Moral of the Story:

Synopsis:

Alanna the Drama Llama: Alanna gets a rejection letter from Tufts and doesn’t know how she’s going to face her parents. She goes to Conner’s and finds out he’s gotten into Belmont and plans to go there. Tufts and Belmont are both in Boston and they planned to go together, but now Alanna freaks out about Conner leaving her, so, naturally, she runs out the door.

Tia wants to plan a road trip with Conner and Andy. They’ll head up to Seattle after graduation and hang out for three weeks pretending to be cool. Conner likes the idea, but Tia gets pissed when he says he has to run it by Alanna. Meanwhile, Alanna hangs out with her sponsor, Sandra, and is so inspired by how helpful Sandra is that she thinks she might want to go to UCLA and become a psychologist. That dream is short-lived, of course, because Conner, Conner, Conner.

Everyone goes to a little party at Andy’s to celebrate Dave getting into Columbia, and at one point Tia and Alanna are alone in the living room. Alanna is an idiot and tells Tia she secretly plans to follow Conner to Boston next year. Tia, judgmental bitch that she is, doesn’t even try to hide her disapproval. She tries to talk to Conner about it and tell him what a bad idea it would be, but Conner just wants her to mind her own business.

Alanna gets accepted into UCLA (that was fast), but she’s not sure if she cares because, you know, she’s going to Boston. At an AA meeting, Sandra starts talking to Alanna about psychology at UCLA while Conner is sitting right there, so after the meeting he tells her he doesn’t want her to put her plans aside just to be with him. Alanna convinces herself that this means Conner doesn’t love her as much as she loves him, so she freaks out and tells him to go away. He leaves.

Jessica the Flirt: Jessica has been having some trouble getting used to the idea of going to college, so Liz suggests she call Steve and ask him to show her around the SVU campus so she can maybe get adjusted. Jessica is surprised when Steve invites her to a party that night at his frat house. Jeremy gets pissy about it because he wants to hang out with Jessica that night.

There are an awful lot of guys at the party and Jessica starts feeling kind of claustrophobic. She goes outside to the pay phone to call Jeremy, but runs into a guy named Zander (short for Alexander). He’s really cute, so Jessica accepts his offer to show her around campus. Afterward, Jessica gives him her phone number and email address. As you can probably guess, Jeremy is over when Zander calls and he overhears the incriminating message. He decides to believe Jessica when she says it’s nothing.

Jessica and Zander get together to play tennis, and Jeremy later finds Zander’s tennis racket in the Jeep (it conveniently has Zander’s name on it). Jeremy gets upset, but totally backs down when Jessica says this is the only way she knows to get used to the idea of college, now that Jeremy has decided to go to Arizona. Properly guilted, Jeremy sheepishly asks Jessica not to lie to him anymore. He shows up at SVH the next day at lunch and finds Jessica in the cafeteria (where she’s eating with Gina and Cherie for some reason). He says he’s jealous and he knows he could never handle being away from Jessica for four long years, so he’s decided to stay in Sweet Valley next year. Jessica is overjoyed, but she eventually comes to her senses and tells Jeremy he needs to follow his dreams and go to Arizona.

DJ Splendid: Jeff has a gig at Sweet Valley’s newest club, Liquid, and he asks for Liz’s help in picking out something to wear. They don’t find anything awesome enough at the mall, so Liz has this great idea to dress him in women’s clothing. I’m not lying. “You know how glam rockers always have at least some piece of women’s clothing in their outfits?” she says. And incredibly, Jeff thinks it’s a great idea. So they go to Jessica’s room to raid her closet, and Jeff settles on a purple peasant blouse. Now, if you’re unfamiliar with the term, here are a few examples of peasant blouses:

Doesn't look all that glam to me.

Jeff is supposed to be DJing with another guy who told him not to bring any of his own records. When Jeff shows up at the club, the owner is freaking out because the other DJ’s car broke down so Jeff is going to have to do the gig alone. He says he has to go home first and get his records, but the owner flies off the handle and fires him. Jeff has already been rejected from NYU, where he was going to study music, so he decides this is a sign from above that he’s not supposed to be a DJ. He decides to pretend he wants to be a journalist. Don’t even try to follow this logic. He cuts his hair and starts dressing like a nerd again, and he asks Liz for ideas of articles he can write for The Oracle. Liz wants her super cool DJ boyfriend back.

Quotes:

Zander: I know that rule number four hundred and thirty-seven in the book of dating etiquette says never ask a buddy’s younger sister out, but I can’t help myself.

The number 37 makes a comeback!

“There’s something about Kobe Bryant that I can’t stand,” Jeremy said. “He’s an unbelievable player and all, but he’s just so cocky.”

That’s what she said?

The Title and Cover: Seems to me that Tia puts herself in the middle. Back off, would you? And as for the cover, “We are srs models. This is srs book.”

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: President’s Day dance

Synopsis:

Melissa is a manipulative bitch: Melissa is totally pissed that Will kissed another girl, but she figures he can make it up to her and then things will be back to normal. So she goes to school all ready to listen to his groveling, and she’s thoroughly confused when Will never shows up at her locker. She finally sees him near the end of the day and he tells her he thinks they should break up. The cheerleaders have to organize a President’s Day dance (don’t ask), and Melissa is determined that she and Will are back together before the dance can happen, and that way she won’t have to go dateless and nobody will ever know about the breakup.

Melissa and Jessica are both assigned to work on music for the dance, and neither one of them is happy about it. Melissa is so depressed about Will that she just tells Jessica to do all the work herself. Jessica makes some crappy flyers to let everyone know she’s looking for a band (aw, I guess the Droids broke up or are no longer the go-to band for dances), and then gets pissed when Melissa says she sent a mass email to the students telling them when their bands could audition. Jessica thinks the best way to get back at Melissa (for what, actually helping?) is to overwhelm her with work. So she gets Jeremy to put up flyers at Big Mesa and Steven to put up flyers at the university.

Audition time rolls around and Jessica the genius has a headache from listening to so many terrible bands. She really didn’t think this one through. A couple of girls are gossiping outside the auditorium, and Jessica hears them say Will dumped Melissa after he made out with Erika Brooks. Melissa freaks out and leaves, and Jessica actually feels bad for her. Why? Some guy named Ronald comes up to Jessica and gives her a CD. Ronald and Jessica apparently shared a locker back in eighth grade and now he’s a DJ. He offers to work at the dance for a sweetly discounted price. Jessica hires him.

After a weird pep talk from her mother (“remind Will of what he’s missing”), Melissa decides to go snag a college boy toy. She puts on a black leather miniskirt, heads out to the SVU campus and crashes the first party she can find. She starts flirting with a good looking guy, but backs off when he introduces himself as Steve Wakefield. She finds what seems to be the most lecherous guy in the room, Kel, and makes vaguely sexy promises to show him a good time if he’ll go with her to the SVH dance. Kel, apparently willing to go to considerable lengths for jailbait, agrees.

Andy and Dave are gay: Dave’s father has been avoiding him since Dave announced he’s gay, but his mom is really cool. Dave tells her about Andy, and Ms. Niles insists on taking the two of them to dinner so she can meet him. Andy sweeps her off her feet and the three of them have a lovely time together, so Andy thinks everything is awesome now. He can’t believe it when Dave doesn’t want to go to the dance with him.

At the dance: Andy is overjoyed when Dave shows up after all. Alanna kind of freaks out a little when she realizes someone has spiked the punch, but she manages not to drink any. Melissa, on the other hand, gets totally sloshed and Will is sickened because she’s letting Kel put his hands all over her. Will is having a bad time anyway because Erika is pretty much ignoring him, and the night just gets worse when he and Melissa are voted as President and First Lady (because it’s a President’s Day dance, of course). Melissa gets angry about this for some reason and makes a huge scene. She tells Will that she and Kel are leaving to have some “real fun.”

After they leave, Ronald the DJ tells Jessica that Kel is a total perv whose dad has a lot of money so “charges against him tend to get dropped.” Kel apparently did something to one of Ronald’s friends, and he’s worried something bad is going to happen to Melissa. Jessica finds them in the parking lot. She can tell Melissa doesn’t really want to be anywhere near Kel, so she makes something up about Melissa needing to come back inside. Kel starts to get fresh, but Jeremy and Trent come out as backup. Kel leaves and Jeremy and Jessica take Melissa home. Jessica thinks Melissa is asleep in the backseat and she tells Jeremy she was really looking forward to the dance because it would have been their first dance together. Melissa hears this and leaves a CD in the car for Jessica and Jeremy to listen to. They pop it in and dance around in Melissa’s driveway. I think. I kind of stopped paying attention toward the end there.

Quotes:

Mrs. Fox: It’s very simple, Melissa. All you have to do is remind Will of what he’s missing.

Melissa: You think I should just prance around in some hot outfit and flirt with other guys until Will starts paying attention again?

Mrs. Fox: That is precisely what I think.

Well, at least we know Melissa comes by her crazy honestly. It clearly runs in the family.

The Cover: I think I’d look pretty bitchy too if I had a Wakefield giving me pitying looks all the time.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Valentine’s Day

Synopsis:

It’s Valentine’s Day in Sweet Valley and everyone’s having issues.

Maria and Ken: Maria and Ken are both broke, so they’ve decided not to exchange presents. So when Maria finds a huge bouquet of flowers on her desk, she freaks out and goes crazy trying to think of something she can give Ken in return. She hears a guy talking about some concert tickets he won’t be able to use, and since it’s a band Ken likes she decides to buy them from him for a hundred dollars. Ken, who doesn’t know anything about the bouquet of flowers, is now freaking out because he didn’t get anything for Maria, as per their pact. So he leaves school at lunchtime and buys a pair of earrings Maria admired last week. Now Maria is freaking out AGAIN, so she decides to have some balloons delivered to Ken at school. They finally see each other that night for their date, and Maria realizes the flowers she got that morning had been placed on the wrong desk; they were really for the girl who sits next to her. Maria and Ken have a good laugh and live happily ever after.

Jade and Evan: Evan isn’t all about the love these days because of his parents’ divorce, and he’s just so glad he’s got a gal like Jade who doesn’t get all girly about stuff like Valentine’s Day. Of course, when he sees Jade all decked out in red and pink and going gaga over some other girl’s candygram, he realizes she really does care. He decides he can’t deal with that, so he just avoids her all day. Jade is crushed, but her mother tells her she should just tell Evan she wants to celebrate. So she shows up at his house that night with all his favorite gross health food treats. He apologizes for being a jerk and they live happily ever after.

Tia and Trent: Tia is getting flowers and stuff from a secret admirer. She assumes it’s all from Trent, and she’s pissed that he won’t leave her alone. At lunch, she announces she’s going to drive out to Big Mesa and tell Trent to back off, but Jessica tells her not to. Apparently, all that stuff was really from Jessica. She was just trying to get Tia and Trent back together. Tia is embarrassed and kind of disappointed to find out Trent wasn’t actually trying to get her back. But don’t worry! She gets home that night and finds Trent on her front porch with a bouquet of flowers. They kiss and then live happily ever after.

Andy and Dave: Andy is all depressed because the first guy he’s ever liked doesn’t want to come out of the closet and now he has no valentine. He goes to the park at lunchtime and runs into none other than Dave. They sit there talking for a minute, but then Dave sees some guys from his school and acts all weird. It’s clear to Andy that Dave doesn’t want anyone to think they’re at the park together, and it bugs him so he leaves. Dave shows up at his house that night. He apologizes for being weird at the park and says he’s going to tell his father he’s gay because he really cares about Andy. Andy and Dave live happily ever after.

Melissa and Will: Will has made all these plans for Valentine’s Day and he’s pissed when Melissa says she has to cancel because of a family dinner. Actually, she’s just planning to surprise him at the Tribune office after school, but Will doesn’t know that and he’s pissed. So pissed that he doesn’t think twice before making out with that Erika bitch. And wouldn’t you know it? That’s when Melissa walks in. She can’t believe her perfect boyfriend would do such a thing. Come on, Melissa, it’s not like he hasn’t done it before.

Some creep: There are all these scenes from an unnamed guy’s point of view. He keeps checking out some chick, also unnamed, and thinking about how much he wants to get back together with her. He leaves the mysterious girl a note asking her to meet him at First and Ten that night at six.

Elizabeth: Liz gets the anonymous guy’s note, which says he has a past with her. She can’t think of any ex-boyfriend she’d like to get back together with, but she decides to go to First and Ten anyway. When she gets there and sees who her secret admirer is, she gets really happy. In an attempt at suspense, the ghostwriters have decided not to tell us who it is just yet, but it’s someone Liz apparently didn’t even consider when trying to figure out which ex might want her back.

Quotes:

Couldn’t be, she reasoned. Fairy-tale plot twists weren’t written into the Elizabeth Wakefield life story.

LOLOLOL

The Cover: There is something terribly cheesy about this cover. I hate it.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Football game

Synopsis:

Evan calls Liz and tells her about Conner falling and then passing out the night before. He’s okay. Evan thinks he just passed out from being drunk and he wants Liz to talk to Conner about his problem. He tells her now isn’t the best time because Conner probably has a massive hangover, but Liz goes to his house anyway. When she gets there, Conner just yells at her and tells her to leave. She does, and then Andy comes over. He has no idea what’s going on, and he’s really hurt when he tells Conner he’s gay and Conner just laughs and kind of says, “Of course you are.” Poor Andy, he just wants someone to talk to. Once Andy is gone, Conner digs out his Jack Daniels bottle from under the bed and starts drinking again. You know, just to calm his nerves.

Will and his family are having brunch with the Michigan scout to seal the deal, and Ken sees them go into the restaurant. He’s really bummed because his father is being a jackass, and during an argument he basically told Ken he’s ashamed of him for not being a star football player anymore. Ken starts to feel like he really misses being a starting quarterback and he wishes he was more than just a benchwarmer. There really isn’t anything more to Ken than football, is there?

Jeremy goes to House of Java and apologizes to Jessica for yelling at her the night before. Jessica is relieved, but then Jeremy says he’s going to look for another job. She tries to talk him out of it, but he thinks it’s the best thing to do because he can’t work with Jade anymore. Jessica goes to her boss and tells her about the night Jade called in sick and then showed up with her date. The boss says Jessica has to fire her.

Liz leaves a message for Conner asking him to come to the big football game and talk to her there. Jessica calls Jeremy and asks him to meet her at the game, too. I don’t know why she couldn’t just tell him about firing Jade over the phone, but whatever. Conner shows up drunk. Evan sees him in the parking lot and tries to talk to him, but of course Conner just wants to act like a douchebag. After a cop comes up and says hello to them, Conner realizes he doesn’t want to talk to Liz or anyone else, so he goes home.

Will gets tackled during the game and breaks his leg. He gets rushed to the hospital, and the coach puts Ken in. He throws the ball in a super awesome way or something (I have never even watched a football game, so forgive my lack of knowledge), and the crowd goes wild. Sweet Valley wins, and Ken’s dad – there to cover the game for the paper – comes up to Ken with a big smile on his face. Ken is pissed because he feels like he shouldn’t have to play football for his dad to like him, and he turns his back on him. Maria says something to Mr. Matthews about the fact that he gave up on Ken, and he snaps at her, implying that she won’t like Ken anymore now that he’s going to be playing regularly. That’s a sharp blow, because Maria was just worrying about that herself.

Liz is upset that Conner never showed at the game and Jessica is upset that Jeremy didn’t show, either. Will wakes up in the hospital the next morning and Melissa tells him the doctor doesn’t think he’ll ever play football again.

The Cover: I thought for sure this book was going to be about Melissa and Will breaking up, but I guess it’s really about football. Whatever.