The Moral of the Story:

Synopsis:

Well, it’s Thursday, the day after prom, and it’s senior cut day. Guess which one of our favorite characters is so stupid that he forgot to stay home from school? If you said Ken Matthews, you’re absolutely right. By the time he figures out why he and the nerds are the only seniors at school, it’s too late; the teachers have already noticed him and he can’t leave. Throughout the day, the nerds keep asking him what it’s like to be popular, and they ask him if they can all eat lunch at the jock table since the jocks aren’t there. Barf. The seniors get to co-teach classes on cut day, and Coach Riley asks Ken to help him out with a couple of girls who can’t get the hang of volleyball. Ken actually helps the girls and he feels good about it. Yay, Ken.

Moving on to more exciting things…

Jessica and Evan decide to get the whole gang together for a road trip to Universal Studios. Liz finds out Conner’s going, so she’s all excited, but Jeremy wanted to spend the day alone with Jessica (I guess it’s Big Mesa’s senior skip day, too?), and Jade just wanted to hang out at the beach. Neither of them says anything, of course, they just act all grumpy.

Dave and Andy take Conner, Liz, Tia and Trent in Dave’s minivan, while Jeremy, Jessica, Jade and Evan ride in Jeremy’s car. Can you imagine? Both girls in Jeremy’s car have dated both guys. And they’re all friends now? Sure. The vehicles get separated on the way to the park, so the groups spend the day separately.

Jessica’s crew goes to see if there’s anything being filmed, and Jessica and Evan are approached by a director. He needs extras, but he doesn’t want Jeremy or Jade. Jessica and Evan are super excited and immediately say yes, and Jeremy and Jade are pissed. They go off on their own to pout. After they make fun of Jessica and Evan for a little while, they decide to have a good time after all. They go on the Mummy ride and get some cotton candy and make a pact not to be mad at Jessica and Evan.

Jessica and Evan get all made up and they look like rock stars. They get hurried onto the set for a nightclub scene, and the director tells them their job is to stand by the bar and make out. Evan isn’t sure he can do it, but Jessica assures him it’s going to be okay. He tries to get away with fake kissing, but the director isn’t fooled. He tells them to start kissing for real or get out, so they really start making out. An hour later, their lips are chapped and their jaws are sore, but the director finally tells the extras they can go. It was pretty awful, but they’re very excited that they’re going to be in a movie.

Meanwhile, Liz is going crazy because Conner is acting like nothing happened last night. I guess she expects him to start talking about it in front of everyone. Liz wants to go on the ET ride, but nobody will go with her. Conner finally steps up and says he’ll go. While they’re in line, Conner tells her that last night meant a lot to him and he really does care about her, but they’ll both be moving on next year and besides, they made each other miserable as a couple. Liz realizes he’s right and she finally, FINALLY decides she’s really over him.

So, in conclusion:

• There is nothing new and exciting in the lives of Tia and Trent or Andy and Dave.
• Jessica and Evan are keeping their day of making out a secret.
• Jade and Jeremy are not mad at Jessica and Evan.
• Conner and Liz are over each other.
• Ken thinks he might want to be a gym teacher.

When Liz gets home that night, there’s a letter in the mail from Oxford University in England. I guess she won that contest. She doesn’t know if she wants to go or how she’d break the news to Jessica. Jessica starts talking to Liz about their upcoming eighteenth birthday and she wants to make plans, but Liz isn’t so excited about it, considering what happened last year.

The Cover: Evan kind of looks like one of those big-mouthed Muppets.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Jock kidnap

Synopsis:

Angel is supposed to hang out with Conner and Tia, and when he doesn’t show up, Conner decides to look for him at the track. And that’s where they find him crying because he lost all the money he’s been saving for when he goes to Stanford in January. Tia is horrified. When Angel tells his parents what happened, his father fires him from the garage he owns where Angel has been working. Angel’s dad is kind of an ass. Tia makes Conner and Andy brainstorm with her to figure out how Angel can get back some of his money. Conner’s mom is on a lot of charity boards, so he thinks Angel should apply for one of her scholarships or something and she can put in a good word for him. Tia goes to Angel’s to tell him about Conner’s plan, but Angel has decided he’s just not going to go to Stanford. He tries to tell Tia that all of this happened for a reason and him going to college just isn’t meant to be. Tia tells him it happened because he fucked up. They have a big fight. Angel goes to Conner for a little support, but Conner also tells him he’s an idiot if he doesn’t go to Stanford.

Jessica gets up on Saturday morning and goes to House of Java to try to get Jeremy to believe she wasn’t on a date with Will. He says he actually does believe her, but he’s breaking up with her anyway because he thinks she likes Will whether she was on a date with him or not. Jessica goes home and tries to talk to Liz, but Liz is still all messed up about Conner, so other people’s problems just don’t matter to her anymore. She makes Jessica watch Casablanca with her. She’s really annoying, but still preferable to the Elizabeth who shoulder patted everyone condescendingly all through junior year. Just barely though.

Jessica goes to work on Sunday and tries again to get Jeremy to listen. He’s adamant about staying broken up because he wants her to “prove” that she doesn’t like Will. Oh, come on, Jeremy. Jessica decides she’ll prove that by not going out with Will, but then Will calls that night and asks her to come over to his house on Tuesday to finish planning the kidnap. And Jessica agrees. At least she remembers to say she’ll bring Tia with her.

Ken is bummed about not being allowed back on the football team, but he wants to at least start working out again. He goes to the YMCA and runs into Todd. Todd says he wishes Ken could play again because there’s a team unity problem. The El Carro kids are acting like they own the team and there have been a few fights. Ken shows up to Tuesday’s practice and starts running laps with the team. Coach yells at him for a while and tries to tell him to leave, but finally says Ken can practice with them. Coach eventually tells him he can stick out the season as a second stringer. Ken is overjoyed. Hooray. I don’t care.

When Jessica gets to Will’s house on Tuesday, she immediately starts getting all fluttery and weird. I hate that she still likes this asshole. He puts on a Frank Sinatra album and they start dancing for some reason. They’re just about to kiss when Tia walks in. Things are pretty awkward after that, but they manage to plan the stupid kidnap.

Angel decides to go out and get another job. He gets hired at his first interview, but he’s upset when he finds out he’s going to be a janitor. He apparently thought he’d be an IT guy or something. Tia is totally depressed because Angel hasn’t called since their fight. Maria tells her Angel should try to be an RA when he goes to school because he’ll get free room and board and a check every month. When Tia tells Angel, he acts all sad because he thinks Tia doesn’t really love him and she’s just trying to get rid of him. Oh my god, I hate you both. Tia convinces him that’s not true and he agrees to give the RA thing a try.

Conner’s mother comes home trashed on Saturday night and says she forgot to find out about Angel’s scholarship. Conner yells at her for a while and then Mrs. Sandborn leaves in a huff. A little while later, someone from the hospital calls and says she’s been in an accident.

Sunday morning is the kidnap. This involves five people driving, and they all go around to everyone’s houses and drag people out of bed. At one of the football player’s houses, everyone tackles the guy on the bed, and Jessica and Will somehow get thrown off the pile. They land on the floor on top of each other, and since neither of them have any sort of willpower, they end up kissing. Nobody else seems to notice.

The Cover: I wonder why Angel’s back there in the shadows. Tia’s cute. This is just about the first cover that hasn’t made me want to punch the people on it.

Synopsis

Jessica and Lila are hanging out in Jessica’s room when they hear fighting coming from Liz’s bedroom. Todd is pissed because Liz went to a movie with Jeffrey. He breaks up with her. That night, Jessica gets home from a party at Amy’s house, and Todd calls to ask if Liz was at the party with Jeffrey. Jessica says they were both there but they weren’t together. Todd wants to come over and talk, so Jessica changes into a sexy nightgown and opens her window. When Todd gets there, he asks Jessica if she remembers what they had “before.” He is not referring to the time he and Jessica fooled around after Sam died, nor is he referring to the time they made out before Todd started dating Liz. This is apparently a whole different thing. Todd says he’s free now and wants a second chance. Jessica thinks reading her diary from those days will help her figure out what to do:

#42: Caught in the Middle – Jessica plans a surprise party for Lila. She also gets a just-saying-hello letter from Todd in Vermont. She teases Liz about it.

#43: Hard Choices – Jessica writes back to Todd and the Wakefields make a documentary.

#44: Pretenses – Jessica tells us about how Steve and Cara almost break up. Todd writes back to Jessica.

#45: Family Secrets – Cousin Kelly comes to town and is a total weirdo.

#46: Decisions – Blah, blah, blah, Robin and George have a fight. Jessica is in love with Alexander Kane. One day, she walks in on Liz looking at old pictures of Todd.

#47: Troublemaker – Jessica is a success in a school play. While telling us about Bruce Patman and Julie Porter, Jessica gives us a very strange version of her “first – and last – date” with Bruce. She says they drove around in a limo while he talked about himself and she got mad when he called another girl from the car phone. No mention of sexy times at the lake or Jessica turning into a love zombie. Whatever. Todd and Jessica are still writing to each other.

#48: Slam Book Fever – Jessica falls in love with A.J. Morgan and writes to Todd for advice.

#49: Playing for Keeps – Jessica almost loses A.J. because she’s an idiot. Todd and Jessica start getting more and more personal in their letters to each other.

#50: Out of Reach – Jessica is totally in love with A.J., but she’s starting to develop feelings for Todd and can’t wait to get his letters.

#51: Against the Odds – Jessica writes to Todd to tell him about being grounded for charging nine hundred dollars to her mother’s credit card.

#52: White Lies – Todd sends Jessica a mix tape.

#53: Last Chance – Todd calls Jessica and says he wants to come to Sweet Valley and see her in secret. Jessica has dreams about Todd sneaking into her room at night and doing “intensely romantic” things with her.

#54: Two-Boy Weekend – Jessica breaks up with A.J. after cheating on him with Psycho Chris. Todd buys a plane ticket.

#55: Perfect Shot – Todd and Jessica meet at Secca Lake and make out. Jessica is sure she’s really in love this time, but after a couple days, they both realize Liz would be really hurt if she knew.

#56: Lost at Sea – Jessica thinks about kissing Winston while they’re shipwrecked, but a helicopter shows up before she can do it.

Back in the present, Jessica finishes reading her diary and realizes Todd is much better suited to Liz.

The Moral of the Story: Boys are idiots.

The Big Deal: Party at Todd’s

Synopsis:

The cops show up and break up the rumble. The Sweet Valley guys run off to another abandoned warehouse Bruce found for them to hide out in. Before they leave the scene, though, Ken sees the guy who beat him up say something to Jessica. He’s sure it’s some kind of crude remark, but of course it’s just Christian telling Jessica to meet him at the beach the next morning. She does and they decide they can never see each other again.

On Monday, Mr. Cooper holds an assembly and lays out some new rules, one of them being that nobody is allowed to wear school colors to school anymore. The guys get all upset and refuse to obey, taking to rebelliously wearing SVH t-shirts under their sweatshirts. You tell ‘em, boys. Predictably, Liz joins the “task force” Mr. Cooper is putting together. The task force will work to promote peace between the schools. Todd can’t believe Liz is against him. Liz can’t believe Todd is being such a jackass. She’s sure they’re going to break up any day because her friend from Palisades, Caitlin, just broke up with her boyfriend over this whole war thing. Liz feels bad for Caitlin, so she invites her and her friend Marla to come along with her to a party at Todd’s. Enid tries to tell her it’s a bad idea, but Liz is having none of that. Sure enough, nobody will talk to the Palisades girls and Todd yells at Liz. That was pretty freaking stupid.

Jessica finally tells Liz that she’s been learning to surf but asks her to keep it a secret. Jessica and Christian manage to stay away from each other for two whole days, but then meet at the beach again. They start making out and just can’t stop. Liz notices Jessica isn’t at school and worries that she’s drowned or something. She finds Ken, tells him what’s going on and they go to the beach to find her. Liz finds them first, but Christian manages to run away before Ken can see him. It doesn’t matter though, because a few days later, Ken overhears the twins talking about the guy Jessica has been seeing.

The boys decide it would be a good idea to slash the tires on some of the Palisades guys’ cars. Winston is seen and the guy threatens him. Winston spends most of the book wishing he could stand up to Bruce and whining that he has no choice but to do these stupid things. He gets a call one day from Todd telling him there’s going to be a special meeting at the abandoned warehouse. Winston thinks Todd doesn’t sound like himself, but assumes he’s just pissed about something. He ditches Maria and takes off.

Ken is sitting in his car, spying on the Wakefields’ house that night. He sees Todd and Liz leave, and after a while he sees Jessica get into the Jeep. He follows her to the beach, where she gets out and hops into another car. Then he follows the other car to a restaurant. He goes inside just in time to see Jessica and Christian totally making out because they apparently can’t even keep their hands off each other long enough to eat a meal. Ken threatens Christian and then tells Jessica he never wants to see her again. He jumps in his car and leaves. Jessica tells Christian they need to follow him.

Todd and Liz go to the Dairi Burger. Maria is there and she asks Todd what happened to the guys’ meeting. Todd says there was no meeting and now everyone is worried about Winston. Todd figures the Palisades guys must have found their warehouse hideout and told Winston to meet them there. Todd calls the rest of the guys and takes off with them. Liz calls the cops. She and some of the other girls follow Todd.

At the warehouse, the Palisades guys are beating the crap out of poor Winston. Then the Sweet Valley guys show up and it turns into another rumble. When the girls get there and see what’s going on, they start screaming. Ken, Christian and Jessica get there just as the cops do. Most of the guys quiet down, but Todd doesn’t seem to notice the cops and just keeps pummeling the guy he’s on top of. As the cops are putting him in the squad car, Liz says something to the cop about it all being a mistake, she only called them so they could break up the fight. Uh, Liz? Sometimes this is how they break up a fight. Todd overhears and is super pissed that Liz is the one who called the police.

Ugh, to be continued…

Quotes:

“But they’re not going to be safe even if they stay in Palisades,” Bruce growled. “I say it’s time to carry the battle back to their home turf.”

Aaron jumped to his feet. “Justice,” he shouted. “That’s all we’re after!”

“Justice,” Ken repeated, his voice ringing strong and clear in the cavernous warehouse.

And then they all broke into a song and dance number.

“Slash their tires?” Elizabeth repeated, gaping at Maria…It was bad, far worse even than Elizabeth had imagined.

What did you imagine that was so much better than some slashed tires?

I can’t do it, Jessica thought. But I have to do it. I’m still Ken’s girlfriend.

You are allowed to break up with him, you know.

“Hi, Olivia,” she said, waving to Olivia and her boyfriend, Rod Sullivan. “Hi, Rod.”

I thought Olivia broke up with Rod and eventually started dating some guy named Harry.

The Cover: This is the Cover of Bad Hair. Christian is probably the ugliest person I’ve ever seen on an SVH cover, and that’s certainly saying something. Todd’s greaser look is ridiculous. The leather jacket doesn’t suit him, and besides, it’s the Palisades guys who are supposed to be wearing leather. The SVH guys wear jean jackets. Duh.

The Big Deal: SVH/Palisades football game, masquerade ball

Synopsis:

At what is apparently the most important football game of all time, Liz and Enid meet two girls from Palisades High. Marla and Caitlin work on the Palisades newspaper, so the four girls immediately become friends. They all lament that there’s nothing for their papers to write about and decide to make their own news. After talking for a while, they decide the two schools should hold a fundraiser dance. They’ll make it a competition: the school that sells the most tickets can donate all the proceeds to the charity of its choice. None of the girls notice that the Palisades Pumas are playing dirty on the field and really banging up the SVH players.

Sweet Valley loses the game and Ken is all emo and pissy about it. He’s hanging out with Todd and Aaron in the parking lot afterward when a couple Pumas come up and punch him in the stomach. Ken tries to fight back, but Todd and Aaron restrain him and drag him to Todd’s car. After that, the guys start having GNOs (Guys’ Night Out). Egged on by Bruce, they start to get all crazed about getting revenge on Palisades High. They get a bunch of paint and write on the Palisades football field, “Palisades Pumas Purr Like Kittens.” Oh, Bruce. You almost got it right, but you’re off by just one word. In retaliation, the Palisades guys egg cars and TP houses. Blah, blah, everyone hates each other. The funniest part about this whole thing is that the SVH guys are suddenly walking around wearing jean jackets and sunglasses all the time. They’ve all been brainwashed, including Ken and Todd. Liz isn’t happy and wants to cancel the dance. Jessica doesn’t really care what’s going on because she’s all wrapped up in her latest infidelity.

There’s a surfing competition coming up and the grand prize is a trip to Hawaii. Jessica is determined to win even though she can’t surf. She wakes up early one morning to go to the beach and teach herself the basics. That’s where she meets Christian Gorman, the most gorgeous man she’s ever seen and a champion surfer. Over the next week, Christian teaches Jessica to surf and they fall in love. They decide they don’t want to know too much about each other, so neither of them even knows where the other goes to school. Jessica sort of feels bad about the fact that Ken’s going through a thing and she’s not there for him, so she gives a half-assed attempt at talking to him about the Palisades thing. He tells her there’s going to be trouble at the upcoming dance. Jessica says maybe they should just cancel it, but Ken says the guys will all show up anyway. Jessica tells Liz canceling the dance would be a bad idea because at least if there are other people around, maybe the guys won’t get too crazy.

Liz and Olivia get together with Marla and Caitlin and decide each school should do an edition of their paper dedicated to the other school. Liz and Olivia go to Palisades High to interview some students, but nobody will talk to them, partly because Liz is wearing an SVH sweatshirt. Even after she turns it inside out, though, nobody wants anything to do with her. When Liz and Olivia get back to SVH, they find Marla and Caitlin have had similar luck. Liz writes her feature article about Palisades High’s past record in sports and shit, which is really boring but at least it’s not inflammatory. Then John Pfeifer decides he just has to put in the stuff about the Palisades guys playing dirty on the football field. There’s also a bit about Tom McKay getting hit in the head with a tennis ball (*must resist urge to make a Clueless reference about Tom and balls flying at his face*). After reading John’s articles, the guys at SVH are even angrier than before.

The dance is being held at an old warehouse on Phantom Lane, halfway between Palisades and Sweet Valley. ‘Cause that’s not creepy or anything. As soon as the dance starts, all the guys disappear. Jessica goes outside to find them and walks right into a rumble. Ken is on the ground covered in blood. Jessica looks up at his attacker and is shocked to see Christian. Jessica slumps to the ground, and “Then nothing. Blackness.” So I guess she passes out or something.

To be continued.

Quotes:

Using her mouse, she clicked open her dance file.

Reading about people in the early to mid nineties using computers never fails to make me giggle.

They must have used a dozen roles [sic] of toilet paper, Ken thought. What a waste. Don’t they know anything about conservation?

Yes, that’s Ken’s mental comeback to having toilet paper thrown all over his house. Conservation.

Elizabeth turned angrily, shaking off the hand. It was Bruce and he was scowling. Aaron and Ronnie were standing by his side. They were all wearing their jean jackets and dark glasses.

I guess that’s how you know when a guy has been brainwashed into Bruce’s club. He gets himself a jean jacket and a pair of sunglasses.

The Cover: Ooh, look at those bad boys in that parking lot with that rebellious knocked over trashcan. Aw, but look at Christian and Jessica falling in love. How sweet.

The Moral of the Story: Real friends will try to talk you out of getting a jumpstart on your career.

The Big Deal: Frat party

Synopsis:

The last book ended with Zach and Jessica at a restaurant and Magda about to catch them together, which is bad because Magda wants Zach and Jessica wants Magda to like her so she’ll get into the sorority. This book starts with Jessica acting insane and dragging Zach to the ladies’ room. She insists there’s a raging fire in the restaurant and convinces Zach they need to climb out the bathroom window. They do so, and Zach thinks Jessica is just so awesome and wild. Jessica is sure she’s falling in love, so she decides she’s going to stay with Liz at SVU.

Liz calls Todd and tells him she’s not coming home. Seriously? Like, you’re just going to stay at the college? I don’t think you can just, you know, do that. If nothing else, you should probably go home for some clothes or something. Oh, and hey, maybe you should talk to your parents. Anyway, Todd is basically traumatized: “Todd Wilkins let the phone fall with a clatter, his face as white as a sheet…He felt as if he had been punched in the stomach.” He goes driving around to all the places he and Liz love the most, conjuring up all these memories, acting like Liz is dead. When Ken hears from Jessica and learns she’s also going to stay at SVU, he and Todd decide they’re not going to stand for it. They get all the twins’ friends together, pass out some flyers that say “Operation Wakefield Twins” (I’m not making that up) and come up with some elaborate plan to get the twins to come back. It’s basically the same reverse psychology plan the twins used on Steve when he wanted to quit school and work on a boat. So everyone calls the twins and tells them how awesome things are going to be when they’re gone. For instance, now Lila will be the most popular girl in school and Enid will be the smartest. Oh, and Ned and Alice are looking forward to taking that long trip to Europe they’ve always talked about.

Liz hates her internship. The editor-in-chief, Mr. Petherbrook, is a lecherous perv who keeps eyeing Liz’s legs and calling her “honeybunch” and shit. He also won’t give her any real newspaper assignments and just keeps asking her to make copies and get him coffee. Liz finally snaps, tells him off and walks out. So much for your internship.

Suddenly the twins are starting to rethink their decision. Liz has no internship and Jessica finds out she wouldn’t be able to join the cheerleading squad until the following year. They both miss their boyfriends. Of course, these are just the first seeds of doubt. They still totally plan to stay. Besides, there’s a big frat party being given by Zach’s fraternity and Jessica is determined to go. The only problem is that Magda is going to be there. Jessica doesn’t want Magda to see her with Zach, so she browbeats Liz into a really stupid twin switch.

Liz goes to the party dressed all slutty, which means everyone thinks she’s Jessica even though this is a party where she doesn’t know anyone. Jessica goes dressed more conservatively than usual, but she only wants Magda to think she’s Liz. She still wants to be Zach’s date as Jessica.

Operation Wakefield Twins involves everyone driving up to SVU. Steve and Billie are in on the whole thing and they let the gang into their apartment while the twins are at the Zeta party. They’re hanging banners and blowing up balloons when Ken suddenly realizes Jessica wouldn’t want to stay at SVU just for Liz. He deduces there must be another guy involved. He and Todd decide to crash the Zeta party and see what’s going on. When they get there, they look in a window like the creepers they are and see “Jessica” looking bored while “Liz” dances happily with some guy. Todd gets all emo and says he’s going home, but Ken convinces him he should fight for his chick. They decide to go in, but they don’t get past the bouncer.

Liz notices the commotion at the door and runs into Todd’s arms. He’s confused and then relieved that it’s not his girlfriend who’s dancing with some other guy. Then the bouncer throws him outside. Ken’s pissed, so he taps Jessica on the shoulder and asks what her deal is. She tries to say it was a blind date, which upsets Zach, so he’s all, “But what about our love?” and Ken’s all, “But what about me?” and Jess is all, “You’re tearing me apart!” Ken leaves, and just when things couldn’t get any worse, Magda comes up to Jessica (who she still thinks is Liz) and tells her she can have Zach because he’s only a junior in high school, “Just like you.” Jessica and Zach yell at each other for a minute and then decide the whole thing is hilarious. Then Jessica says she’s got to go and find her boyfriend.

The twins leave the party but don’t see the boys anywhere. They go back to Steve’s apartment where they find a surprise party waiting for them. All their friends are there to wish them luck and say goodbye. They put on some slideshow highlighting awesome high school times. Todd comes in with chips and soda and stuff. He tells Jessica Ken’s in the car. She runs outside and makes him stop the car. She jumps in and they have a talk and of course Ken forgives her for everything. They go back inside and the twins decide they would really be much happier if they decided to forget this whole college thing.

Quotes:

“SVU is only two hours away from Sweet Valley, after all.”

Why? Why is Sweet Valley University two hours away from Sweet Valley? That doesn’t make sense.

Just then a big blond guy walked by with a shaggy sheepdog by his side. He did a double take as he passed Jessica, tripping over the dog’s leash and stumbling to the ground.

Because she’s just that hot, folks. But isn’t it funny that these things never happen to Elizabeth?

Enid Rollins’s mouth dropped open.

Olivia Davidson’s eyes bugged out.

Winston Egbert dropped his fork with a clatter.

“Elizabeth’s not coming back?” they exclaimed in unison.

Oh, fuck off, all of you.

Elizabeth took a quick look in the mirror and stared at herself, aghast…She had never shown so much skin in her entire life.

Don’t you go to the beach – in a swimsuit – like every day?

The Cover: I don’t remember either twin taking any classes in this book, so I don’t really know what’s up with the blonde in the classroom. I think the guy with glasses is Liz’s nerd friend, Ian, which means the other guy is probably Zach. SVU’s color is purple, I guess.

The Moral of the Story: All males who go to college are sexy.

The Big Deal: Party at Steve’s

Synopsis:

Well, the twins are off to their College Adventure. For some reason, Ned and Alice thought it would be totally okay to pull the twins out of school for a week and send them to stay with Steve and his girlfriend, Billie, at Sweet Valley University. As expected, Liz is all about preparing for her college future while Jessica just wants to party. On the way to Steve’s apartment, Jessica decides she’s going to throw a big bash that night. She invites a bunch of guys at a minimart and tells them to bring their friends. Steve and Billie are going out of town for the night. Billie forgot when the twins were coming and she booked a night at a bed and breakfast for her and Steve. Jessica thinks that’s great because now she doesn’t have to tell Steve about her party.

The twins go exploring the campus. Liz joins some people who are sitting around discussing Ralph Ellison’s Invisible Man (because that’s what brainy college students do) and Jessica meets some sorority girls who are doing their nails and talking about boys (because that’s what sorority girls do). Jessica invites everyone she meets to the party and can’t believe Liz isn’t doing the same.

The party is a disaster or a success, depending on which twin you ask. It gets out of hand and someone brings in a keg, and then the police show up and make everyone leave. On the upside, the twins meet a couple of guys. Jessica tells her guy, Zach Marsden, that she’s a transfer student from Princeton and that Liz is actually her younger sister. She does not mention Ken. Liz meets Ian and actually tells him the truth about Todd and high school and all that jazz.

Jessica starts going out with Zach every night and going to some of his classes with him. She also spends a lot of time pre-rushing Theta Alpha Theta, the sorority Jessica’s new friends belong to and also Alice’s old sorority. One of the girls, Magda, tells Jessica she really likes a guy named Zach Marsden and intends to get him. So now Jessica is torn. She doesn’t want Magda to find out about her and Zach, but she doesn’t want to stop seeing him. Oh, how difficult it must be to have Jessica Wakefield’s life. She decides to do nothing, and the next time she goes out with Zach, Magda walks into the restaurant. Jessica is sure this means she’ll be blackballed from the sorority. Oh, dear.

Liz is all excited to go with Ian to his journalism class because the professor is Felicia Newkirk, “the first woman to break into the male-dominated White House press corps.” This woman is like Liz’s hero, so it’s really upsetting when she gets into an argument with her during the class. I’m not sure why, something about Liz being interested in television journalism and Felicia accusing her of being just a pretty face. Whatever. Felicia gets bored with Liz and moves on. She announces an essay contest and Liz vows to win it and prove herself to Felicia. She stays up all night writing some obnoxious thing about binge drinking on college campuses. She feels like she has firsthand knowledge on the subject since she just threw a kegger a couple nights ago.

OF COURSE she wins the contest. The prize is having Felicia edit the essay for publication in a national magazine, and also an internship with the university’s “nationally distributed newspaper.” Why does the whole nation need to know what’s happening at Sweet Valley University? Anyway, Felicia suggests that Liz take her high school equivalency test and get to work at SVU. Liz decides that’s what she’s going to do. Right.

Quotes:

“Jake!” another male voice called out. “Are you bothering this fine specimen of womanhood?”

Jessica turned, thrilled to see a second gorgeous guy with mocha-brown skin and a flattop approaching the Jeep.

“Lay off, Phil. I spotted her first!” Jake said, putting an arm around Jessica’s shoulders.

Jessica is hot enough to make complete strangers argue over her.

Being popular was the last thing Jessica Wakefield would ever have to worry about.

Oh, and she’s popular, too.

Steven and Billie had decided to do the unthinkable – forgo their afternoon classes to spend a romantic afternoon in their apartment.

How scandalous. Don’t hurt yourself over there on the wild side, guys.

Why didn’t I think of that before? Elizabeth admonished herself. I have firsthand knowledge of one of the most important issues facing college students today: alcohol.

Liz, freaking out because a couple guys brought a keg to your brother’s apartment hardly qualifies as firsthand knowledge about alcohol.

The Cover: There is something really wrong with blond guy who must be Zach. His shoulder area is all messed up. Ian looks like an even nerdier version of Winston Egbert, if that’s even possible. Jessica looks cute, but Liz looks like crap.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Summer vacation

Synopsis:

So, this book has a prologue, which is weird. A man named John Marin sits in a prison cell staring at the newspaper clippings he’s gathered over the last few months. Each one contains something about the Wakefield twins. They sure are in the paper a lot. Anyway…

It’s the first day of summer vacation again, and this time the twins are for once NOT going to work at a newspaper. They’ve taken jobs as waitresses at the Marina Café. Alice will be spending the summer working on a new job at a mansion that’s being remodeled, Steve will be working at Ned’s law firm and Ned will be fretting about the twins because John Marin just got out of jail. Marin, who is now twenty-eight but still looks like he’s twenty, killed a mother and daughter ten years ago and Ned was the attorney that put him away. Marin didn’t like that much and threatened Ned’s family and now here we are.

The twins’ boss, Mr. Jenkins, can’t get tell them apart. Rather, he obviously can since he’s pretty consistent in calling Liz Jess and Jess Liz. Whatever, I don’t even care. Liz is awed by another waitress, Jane, who’s on her fourth summer at the Marina Café. Jane tells Liz she just graduated from college and Liz just can’t believe it because Jane doesn’t look twenty-two. Jane laughs and confirms that she’s really twenty-six. Oh, shut up. Jessica flirts with a customer named Scott Maderlake who looks about twenty and has blue eyes. He says he’s an intern scouting out locations for his boss’s next film, which will take place at a high school. Of course, Jessica offers to show him Sweet Valley High. He’s like Jessica’s dream man. When Ned gets home from work that night, he finds that John Marin has broken into the house and left him a threatening note.

This book sucks already.

Liz is tired of her boring life (again) and wants to do something adventurous (again). After she and Todd see some movie for the fourth time, they go to the Dairi Burger, where Liz looks across the room and sees her soulmate, some guy who looks about twenty with blue eyes. She doesn’t speak to him or anything, but she knows he was meant for her. He shows up at the café the next day, sailing up on his boat, The Emily Dickinson. Both twins notice a creepy old man watching them all day, and Liz actually runs into him in the storage room. She runs out and straight into the arms of soulmate guy. His name is actually Ben Morgan and he seems like Liz’s dream man. Neither twin wants to tell the other about her new boyfriend.

After showing Scott the high school and then having dinner with him, Jessica goes home and discovers her lavaliere is missing. Ned later finds the lavaliere, along with a note that says “Such a lovely young neck,” in an envelope with his name on it. He calls the private investigator he’s had watching the twins. His name is Jim Battaglia and he tells Ned that Jessica has been seeing a guy, but he doesn’t look anything like the mug shot Jim received (Marin intercepted the real mug shot and replaced it with someone else’s). Jim offers to investigate the boyfriend, but Ned says not to bother since he’s “no different from the other hundred or so that she’s been out with in the last year.”

The days go by and nothing much happens. Jessica secretly goes out with Scott, Liz secretly goes out with Ben, Marin sends Ned threatening notes, Ned freaks out. The twins are being followed and watched by at least two men, one having been hired by Marin and one by Ned’s P.I. We’re not supposed to know which is which. Then one day Jim calls and tells Ned that Marin’s been taken into custody. He had a lavaliere on him. Yeah, right. You know it’s the wrong guy.

The twins are locking up the café the next night. Jessica sees a man with a knife in the storage room. She screams and the guy runs away. They call the police and then go down to the station. The cops have them pick the guy out of a lineup, but the guy they pick is “Marin,” who’s been in jail since the night before. The cops finally figure out the guy they have isn’t Marin, but some guy named Pilchard. Marin hired him to watch the twins and gave him Jessica’s necklace as part of his payment. Ned, intending to demand how the mugshot got mixed up, drives to Jim’s house and finds the P.I. dead. There’s a note from Marin next to the body.

On the way home from the police station, Liz tells Jessica about Ben and asks her to cover for her while she goes sailing with him. Later that night, Jessica is confronted by Ned and a couple cops. They tell her about Marin and show her Marin’s picture and she’s all, “Don’t be silly, that’s my new boyfriend!” It finally sinks in that her new boyfriend is a murderer, but she still insists that Liz’s secret boyfriend is someone different altogether. Jane the waitress is the only one who’s seen Ben, so they find her at the Beach Disco and she confirms that the guy in the mugshot is Ben.

Liz and Marin are about to make out on “Ben’s” boat when a Coast Guard boat carrying Ned, Jessica and some cops shows up. Marin threatens Liz with a knife and there’s a struggle. Liz gets away from him and somehow falls overboard. Jessica seems to be the only one who notices, so she jumps off the Coast Guard boat to rescue her. In the end, Marin manages to escape in a dinghy and later the cops find evidence that he’s been eaten by sharks. But of course he wasn’t. He’s hiding in the Wakefields’ basement. After the twins go to sleep, Marin goes to their room to kill them, but Ned comes along and knocks him out the window. The cop outside says Marin is going back to jail. Yeah, right. If he was, I wouldn’t have a whole second book to read in this miniseries.

Quotes:

Elizabeth tried to listen, but she found herself focusing on Todd’s neat, conservative haircut, his wholesome good looks, and his mall-store rugby shirt. He was so ordinary…For the first time, Elizabeth realized just how unsophisticated her boyfriend really was.

Ugh, you are such a snob.

Jessica: The money isn’t what’s important!

Lila: Bite your tongue!

Your daily dose of Lila.

The Cover: Awesome floppy nineties hair, John! Love it. The best part of this cover is the clippings on the wall. Most of them are whatever, but you can clearly see the covers of Jessica Quits the Squad and Murder in Paradise. Up at the top you can see Marin in his twin-tailored personalities – the poet sailor with Liz and the movie guy with Jessica.

The Moral of the Story:

Synopsis:

Alice Wakefield has won a trip to the luxurious Paradise Spa. She takes along the twins and their best friends, Lila and Enid. Their mothers are invited too, but only Grace Fowler can make it. Adele Rollins can’t get the time off work, so already we know we’re supposed to feel sorry for Enid, who walks around feeling ugly and fat because Hugh just dumped her.

When the gang gets to the spa, Jessica immediately forgets about Ken Matthews and falls in love with Chris, the good-looking golf instructor. It appears that everyone who works at Paradise Spa is freaking gorgeous except the owner, Tatiana Mueller. She surprises everyone when she turns out to be ugly and disfigured. Alice feels like she and Tatiana have met before, but then shrugs the feeling off. Clearly, Alice doesn’t know she’s in a Super Thriller.

Jessica and Lila are freaked out and horrified when they realize there are no mirrors anywhere in the cottage. At breakfast the next morning, Jessica asks for one and Tatiana gets all creepy and says no, only inner beauty matters. Then breakfast comes and Liz notices their beautiful waitress, Katya, seems sad. After the meal, Jessica goes for her golf lesson with Chris. She gets annoyed when Chris starts asking about her sister, and when he asks if Jessica thinks Liz would go out with him, she throws her golf club on the ground and walks away.

Tatiana takes a special interest in Enid and gives her a special hair treatment “just for redheads.” While Tatiana works on her hair, Enid tells her how envious she is of Liz because she has straight blond hair and a boyfriend and a loving mother who was able to take time off work. Tatiana is all weird and eggs Enid on, trying to make her feel like nobody cares about her.

Chris finds Liz later and asks her to play tennis with him after dinner. Liz wants Enid to join them so she asks Chris to bring a friend. Enid gets pissy for some reason. But she goes and is instantly attracted to Chris’ roommate Alex, who works as a groundskeeper at the spa. Alex seems to like Enid, too, until Jessica shows up and starts putting on a cheerleading show. Chris and Alex invite the girls to their room for ice cream, and Lila and Enid watch while the twins monopolize the boys. Enid is miserable, but Lila’s just disgusted that they’re so interested in the hired help.

The next day, Liz asks Katya about her family. Katya bursts into tears and says she ran away and will never see her mother again. Then she runs off. Later, Liz and Chris have a picnic and start making out. It’s totally okay because when she’s with Chris, Liz forgets all about Todd so I guess it’s not like she’s cheating or anything.

Enid meets Tatiana for another hair treatment. Tatiana hypnotizes Enid and plants a suggestion that Enid’s mother doesn’t love her and wishes she’d never been born. Enid starts spending lots of time with Tatiana, who keeps hypnotizing her. Enid’s mom calls the cottage one day and Liz is shocked when Enid says she doesn’t feel like talking to her.

Katya, Chris and Alex take Lila and the twins out for a game of Frisbee golf and accidentally lead them into the woods where they all stumble upon a big white building with no windows in the middle of a clearing. The spa employees freak out and run off, yelling at everyone to follow them. Later, Liz overhears Tatiana yelling at Katya for bringing the guests into the woods.

Liz can tell that Katya has taken a liking to Alice, so she asks her to talk to her. Katya tells Alice she wishes she could go home, but she can’t. That night, Jessica finds Katya dead in the steam room. Tatiana says Katya had a heart condition, but Liz is suspicious. She snoops in Katya’s room that night and finds out she was a runaway. On her next date with Chris, Liz asks if he’s also a runaway. It turns out he and Alex both ran away from home to work at Paradise. Then she finds out all the other teenage employees are runaways, too, and they all work at the spa for no money, just room and board. Liz thinks they all seem brainwashed.

Alice, Grace, Lila and the twins go to a waterfall as a sort of remembrance thing for Katya. Liz is explaining to Jessica that something strange is going on when Grace suddenly starts shouting for Alice, who has apparently disappeared. The twins run back to the spa and tell Tatiana what happened, but Tatiana tries to placate them by saying Alice probably just wanted some alone time.

The twins go back to their room to try to call their father, but the phone is dead. Jessica goes to Tatiana’s office to tell her the phones are down. Before she can knock on the door, Jessica hears Tatiana talking on the phone. But when Jessica enters the office a few minutes later and asks to use the phone, Tatiana tells her all the phones are down, including hers. Jessica leaves the office and then sees Tatiana run down the hallway. She sneaks back into the office and finds a Sweet Valley University yearbook from Alice’s senior year. Alice’s picture has been cut out.

While Jessica is doing that, Liz checks out the phone cord in the cottage and realizes it’s been cut. Luckily, she has her trusty laptop and she plugs it into the phone line. If she’s got her own cord, I don’t know why she doesn’t just plug in the phone. Anyway, there’s a convoluted explanation of how Liz gets on the internet and emails her dad. Then she gets on “INFOMAX,” where she does a search for the skin and hair treatments Enid’s been undergoing. The result is “plastic surgery.” Liz can’t believe Enid would ever consider plastic surgery.

Back in Tatiana’s office, Jessica looks through a folder marked “Staff.” There are two files for each employee, a  Before and an After. There’s a photograph in each one, and it’s clear that all the employees have undergone plastic surgery. There’s a Before file for Enid, and it contains a computer generated image of what Enid would look like after having surgery. Jessica is freaking out over this when suddenly the door opens and the lights come on. Don’t worry, it’s just Enid. Jessica waves the file around and says Tatiana has a plan for her, but Enid just gets all happy and tells Jessica how excited she is to look like a supermodel.

Liz is freaking out and she decides to go outside to look for Alice again. She thinks she’ll go back to the waterfall. It doesn’t occur to her to check out the creepy building everyone was afraid of. Right after she leaves, Jessica comes back to the cottage and tells Lila and Grace what she found. Liz’s computer beeps, which means she has a message. Jessica opens the email from Ned, who wants Liz to tell Alice that they did know Tatiana Mueller in college. She lived down the hall from Alice’s dorm room and worshipped Alice. Everyone called her Tatty Mule because she was ugly. Last he heard, Tatiana went to medical school. Jessica realizes Tatiana wants to be just like Alice and that Alice is in trouble.

Liz is at the waterfall when she suddenly feels something close around her wrist. She gets pulled into a cave behind the waterfall and is surprised to see Chris standing there in a white lab coat and looking all mean. He takes her arm and tells her Tatiana is expecting her. Here’s what we learn:

• Tatiana wants to look like Alice.
• She went under the knife at twenty-three, but the surgeon sucked. That’s why she’s disfigured.
• She became the best plastic surgeon ever so that she could train someone to do it right.
• That someone is Marguerite, Tatiana’s assistant who’s only been mentioned once before at the beginning of the book.
• Marguerite is going to make Tatiana look just like Alice.
• Tatiana is going to kill Alice, because there can’t be two of them.

Just when Liz thinks Tatiana is going to kill her, Jessica, Lila and Enid show up to save the day. Well, Enid is sort of along for the ride, but during all the Evil Villain and Pleading Protagonist speeches, Enid’s brainwashing comes undone and she helps take Tatiana down. Then the cops show up. The next morning, all the spa employees run around yelling, “Mrs. Mueller is gone! We don’t have to work here anymore!”

Quotes:

Jessica: These portions are half of what we get for dinner at home, Mom. I’m going to wither away!

Liz: It feels good not to be stuffed, to eat just as much as you need and no more.

Is there some reason you can’t eat that way at home? Does someone force you to eat past the point where you’re comfortable?

“Fifteen love,” [Chris] said in a strong, clear voice as he set up for his next serve, and Elizabeth sensed that in addition to announcing the score, he was sending her a special message. A message about love…

Ugh, can Liz just get laid already? Maybe then she’d stop being so obsessed with “love.”

The Cover: I will never understand what Lila is doing, but Jessica seems to think it’s pretty funny. Liz (Alice? No, probably Liz.) is wearing an ugly swimsuit and has really bad hair.

The moral of the story:

The Big Deal: Lots of Hollywood parties, a party at Amy’s and a surprise party at the Wakefields’ house for the twins

Synopsis:

Jessica’s favorite soap opera, The Young and the Beautiful, is holding a casting call in Los Angeles. And guess what they’re looking for? That’s right, twins! They want a pair of twins with classic California looks to be on their show for a week. Too bad Liz isn’t at all interested. Jessica tells Liz she’ll be able to afford the word processor she wants and the twins can get a new Jeep, but nothing Jessica says can convince her to do it. At a party at Amy’s house, Jessica convinces all their friends it would be a great idea, so everyone starts bothering Liz about auditioning, but Liz is still not interested. Lila comes up with a great plan. Jessica will fake a letter from a research company inviting Liz to a discussion group about twins. Liz won’t be able to resist, and when they get in the car, Jessica will take them to the audition instead. She knows Liz will “give in gracefully” once they’re there.

Everything goes according to plan until the twins are in the waiting room. The casting director, Natasha, comes in and starts telling all the sets of twins how the auditions will go. Liz figures out what’s happened, and she’s not standing for it. She starts going off on Jessica and they have an argument right there in front of everyone. Liz walks out and slams the door behind her. Natasha starts clapping. She thinks that was their audition, and she offers them the part.

Filming doesn’t start for a week, but Natasha wants the girls to get involved beforehand so she invites them to a cast luncheon the next day. That night, Jessica and Sam have a fight because Jessica is too excited about being a soap star to listen to Sam’s mundane stories about dirt bike racing. Liz is still saying she’s not going to participate, but Jessica is going on the assumption that Liz will come around eventually.

The next morning, Lila, Amy and Jessica drive out to L.A., where they’ll be staying at a classy hotel owned by one of George Fowler’s associates. Lila and Amy drop Jessica off at the luncheon, where she meets Brandon Hunter, the heartthrob of The Young and the Beautiful. He flirts with Jessica during lunch and then asks her to go out with him that night. He’s twenty-two, in case you were wondering.

Brandon takes Jessica to a party at a famous singer’s house, then a movie premiere the next day. On Monday morning, people are coming up to Jessica at school and telling her they saw her picture in the paper. Sam gets all upset and jealous. Liz still won’t do the show and Jessica is starting to panic, but she comes up with another plan. She puts together a bunch of Liz’s newspaper articles and a writes a letter to the editor of the Los Angeles Times, telling him she and her sister will be starring on The Young and the Beautiful and asking if he’d be interested in a series of articles about the experience.

Ned and Alice finally decide to seriously consider letting the twins get a Jeep since the Fiat is falling apart. Liz and Todd meet Ned at the dealership, and there are like two whole pages dedicated to Liz handling the salesman. There’s also a bit about how “the girls take care of all their own oil changing, points, plugs, et cetera,” and then Liz looking under the hood like she knows what’s under there. But just last week, didn’t she need Steve to show her how to change a tire? Anyway, they trade in the Fiat and drive the Jeep home. Jessica is ecstatic.

That night, Liz gets a call from Rodney Grant, Lifestyle editor at the L.A. Times. He congratulates Liz on getting the soap opera role and says he would be interested in the articles Liz proposed. Liz figures out what’s happened, but lets the man speak. When he tells her how much she’ll be paid for her articles, Liz finally agrees to be on the damned show. She and Jessica go to the set to check things out. Liz does some interviews with the camera and light guys, then Jessica introduces her to Brandon, whom she immediately dislikes. When they start filming on Monday, Liz dislikes him even more. He can’t remember any of his lines and blames his crappy acting on the twins.

Jessica hasn’t talked to Sam in a week. One night, the doorbell rings and Jessica answers it to find a guy dressed as Batman. He hands her a bouquet of flowers and a note from Sam asking if Jessica will see him. Jessica says that of course she’ll see Sam. Batman rips off his mask and whoops with joy. It’s Sam! He whisks her away to the beach, where they have a fight and Sam tells her to choose between him and Brandon Hunter, but you can tell what he’s really saying is he wants her to choose between him and acting. Well, nobody gives Jessica an ultimatum, so of course she chooses Brandon and her career.

I don’t understand the Batman thing at all.

How did we end up in Sweet Valley, Robin?

The next day after filming, Jessica goes to knock on Brandon’s dressing room door, but hears him talking to someone else. He says things like “great publicity stunt,” “she really fell for it,” “I’ll be glad when she goes back to high school,” and “I think I’ll start pursuing Sandi Starr.” Jessica runs back toward her own dressing room in tears, but then calms down when she realizes Brandon couldn’t possibly have been talking about her. Or could he? She goes out with him the next night and pays close attention to how he acts. And he acts like a jackass – only putting his arm around her for pictures, constantly trying to leave her alone while he talks to other people. Jessica can’t believe she’s never noticed before how much Brandon sucks. When she gets home, she and Liz come up with ways to get even with him.

For their last day of shooting, Liz and Jessica do everything they can to mess Brandon up and make him flub his lines. That afternoon, the director calls to tell them Brandon wasn’t happy with the way the scene turned out so they’ll have to do it live. Jessica has an idea. She calls Sam and leaves a message for him to watch the show that evening.

During the final scene, Jessica’s character is supposed to swoon and declare her love for Brandon’s character. Instead, Jessica stands up and says she can’t be with him because she still loves Sam, “the boy [she] left behind.” Then she tells Brandon he’s a jerk and throws a glass of water in his face.  When the twins get home, they find a surprise party waiting for them. Sam forgives Jessica and everything is wonderful again. The soap opera people call and offer the twins a permanent contract, and Jessica turns it down.

Quotes:

He’s interested, too. I can tell. Other boys have looked at me with that look, and I know it means that they want to get to know me.

Jessica doesn’t know just how much they want to “get to know” her.

“But here she goes again, Mom!” Elizabeth cried. “Have you ever heard the dialogue the women characters on the soaps are given? They never use their brains! They misunderstand everything that everyone tells them, and they jump to absurd conclusions about the very people that they should know they can trust. It makes me sick to watch them.”

I don’t get it. Is this supposed to be ironic?

The Cover: Doesn’t Jessica kind of look like a bird somehow? I don’t really know how to describe it, but there’s something very birdlike about her appearance. I’m so sick of her stupid hair. And I guess that’s Brandon. He just looks like a smarmy bastard.