Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

This is it, folks. The day we’ve all been waiting for. The day we find out exactly why Elizabeth Wakefield left Sweet Valley and why she cries when she orgasms. There are obviously spoilers here, so don’t read any further if you don’t want to know the whole story.

Y’all ready for this?

Here we go!

Elizabeth Wakefield has left Sweet Valley and is now living in New York City, working for a crappy online magazine that nobody’s ever heard of. When our story opens, Liz and her boss, David Stephenson, are returning to Liz’s apartment after grabbing a post-workday dinner. Liz thinks David is handsome enough, but she doesn’t really want to sleep with him because he made her leave the tip at the restaurant. Get over yourself, Liz, it wasn’t even a date. The phone is ringing when they come in, but Liz lets the machine pick it up. It’s Jessica, begging Liz to talk to her.

Liz ignores Jessica and gives David a glass of wine. He asks whose voice that was on the answering machine and marvels at how much it sounded like Liz. Liz considers sleeping with him to get him to stop asking questions, but in the end the tip thing just bothers her too much and she tells him she’s tired and kicks him out. Once he’s gone, she curls up on her couch and feels sorry for herself.

FLASHBACK! We’re suddenly treated to a present-tense-first-person account of the day Todd Wilkins asked Jessica out back in high school. It’s kind of weird.

PRESENT DAY Back in Sweet Valley, Jessica is whining to Todd about Liz not answering any of her calls, texts, emails or Facebook friend requests. There’s kind of a lot of nonsense, but I gather that Liz and Todd were engaged at some point and Jessica slept with Todd. Then there’s another weird first-person-present-tense passage. It’s the exact same scene from before, this time from Jessica’s point of view. Anyway, Todd and Jessica are now living together and are going to be married in four weeks. Todd writes a successful sports column and the two of them spend most of their time trying to avoid the judgmental stares of their friends.

Todd and Jessica go to a party at Lila’s house, and we learn the latest about all our old faves:

• Lila and Ken Matthews are in the middle of getting a divorce, but Ken is apparently still at the house most of the time. Ken is a successful NFL star. Lila doesn’t work, of course.
• Caroline Pearce is a successful real estate broker and a cancer survivor. She’s still a big gossipmonger.
• Jeffrey French is a successful dentist and is married to someone whose name Jessica can’t remember.
• Enid Rollins and A. J. Morgan are having an affair or something and it’s bad for their image, but I don’t know why.
• Robin Wilson is a successful caterer and restaurant critic, but somehow manages to keep herself slim.

You’ll notice that with the exception of A. J. and Enid, everyone’s life has the word successful in it. Sweet Valley is magic.

Everyone seems surprised to see Toddica, but Caroline is the only one who actually dares to ask about Elizabeth. Instead of answering, Jessica tells Caroline what a nosy bitch she is. Then she turns on Lila and hollers at her for inviting her to a party Caroline was going to attend, accusing her of wanting her there only for the drama.

All of Jessica’s chapters are like so infused with instances of like and so and they so make me want to like stab my eyes out.

Meanwhile, Liz goes to some crappy theater to interview William Connolly, a playwright who is currently auditioning actors for his debut play. He acts like a jackass and hardly even looks at Liz, but when he finally does, Liz freaks out a little because he looks exactly like Todd. Sigh. Of course he does. His resemblance to Todd throws Liz down memory lane and she thinks about a time in college when she was sick and made Jessica go to a party with Todd. As far as she knows, it’s the only time they spent any time alone. I guess that whole thing after the prom doesn’t count. And, of course, Liz doesn’t know about the other stuff.

Coincidentally, Todd and Jessica are also thinking of that party in college and…

FLASHBACK – COLLEGE, SENIOR YEAR Jessica doesn’t really want to go to the party, but Todd is the guest of honor and Liz really wants him to go. Neither Todd nor Jessica has any fun at first, but people keep assuming Jessica is Liz so she and Todd pretend to be a couple and have a good time tricking people. When they get in the car to leave, they apparently forget they were just pretending and they start making out like crazy. They eventually end up at the apartment Todd and Winston share. Winston isn’t home, so Todd goes ahead and has sex with his girlfriend’s twin sister. God, what a fucked up piece of fuck this guy is. Jessica’s wrong too, of course, but if I’ve accomplished nothing else with this blog, I know I’ve at least established that Jessica is insane.

For the next month, Todd and Jessica meet every day at a diner nobody they know ever goes to. They don’t have sex again, but it’s still an affair. The guilt finally gets to be too much for Jessica and she breaks it off.

PRESENT DAY Elizabeth runs into Will Connolly at the bar across the street from the theater. They both get a little tipsy and end up talking. Will isn’t really the jerkface he’s made himself out to be, and Liz thinks it’s okay to like him because his eyes are blue and not brown like Todd’s. They introduce themselves to the gorgeous Irish bartender (Liz mentions that her cheating twin would go crazy for him) and then Will invites Liz back to his apartment. They make out for a minute.

Liz’s mother calls that night and tells Liz she’d like her to come home for her grandmother’s eightieth birthday party. (She would also like Liz to come to Jessica’s wedding because she’s a fucking idiot.) Liz tells her there’s no way in hell she’s going to sit through a dinner with Todd and Jessica. Then she gets to thinking that it would really show those bastards if she came home with a new man. She calls Will and asks him if he wants to go. He says he can’t get away, but jokingly suggests Liz take Liam the bartender and try to make Jessica fall in love with him. Liz doesn’t take it as a joke.

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Jessica has married some guy named Regan and they’ve been traveling the world. It’s been about six months since the wedding, and that means it’s about time for Jessica to move on. Not one to waste time, she decides she has to leave Regan immediately. She’s in France, but she calls Liz, who tells her to just come home and stay with her. Todd isn’t super happy about this, but he agrees to be civil.

In this flashback, we learn that brother Steven married Cara Walker, but he apparently has frequent affairs and at this moment might be involved with Lila. What a tool. We also learn that nobody likes Winston anymore because he “changed radically” after making a bunch of money.

PRESENT DAY Liz goes to the bar and insinuates herself into Liam’s life. They hit it off after Liz finds out Liam’s parents live in L.A. and he owes them a visit soon. After about five minutes of friendship, Liam agrees to schedule his visit so it coincides with Liz’s grandmother’s party and he can be her date.

Jessica goes out for a friendly drink with one of her coworkers and wonders if she should hook up with this guy instead of Todd and then she could have Elizabeth back in her life. But alas, her love for Todd is too strong to be denied. Then she thinks about when she came back from France and lived with Todd and Liz for a while.

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Todd is working from home and the house is beginning to seem very small. Jessica and Todd try to avoid each other, but he gets on her nerves one day and she goes to the beach. That’s where she sees her brother in a loving embrace with…Aaron Dallas. Yep, Aaron is gay now and so is Steven. Steve asks Jessica not to tell anyone, but she thinks she’ll be doing him a favor if she tells Cara. Oh, Jessica. This is why you’re the bad twin. Well, this and the whole stealing-your-sister’s-fiancé thing.

PRESENT DAY Liz has lunch with Will and tells him she’ll be taking Liam with her to Sweet Valley. Will was only joking when he suggested getting Liam to seduce Jessica and he does not approve. Liz, who has been telling herself that she’s only bringing Liam home so she’ll have some company, gets defensive and actually says, “fuck you,” and storms out of the pub. Nice. She talks to Bruce Patman on the phone (they’re best friends now) and tells him she’ll be bringing a friend home for her grandmother’s party. Bruce gets a little weird. Liz is irritated and Bruce hangs up on her. Then we get to spend some time in Bruce’s head. And wouldn’t you know it? He’s in love with Liz!

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Bruce and Liz became friends a few years ago when Bruce’s parents were in a car accident. Liz came to the hospital every day for moral support. (Both Patman parents wound up dying.) Bruce has always known about Todd and Jessica’s affair in college (he saw them together at the diner), but he didn’t want to tell Liz because it would hurt her. But now that Jessica is staying with Todd and Liz, and Liz wants to set a wedding date, Bruce thinks it might be time to clue her in. He takes Liz out for pizza (I believe the pizza place used to be the Dairi Burger, but now it’s called Napkin) and tries to get up the courage to break her heart, but just then Ken Matthews comes running in to tell them that Winston is dead.

What the frak?

Meanwhile, Steven goes to Liz’s house to yell at Jessica for outing him to Cara. He calls her a selfish bitch and then leaves. Jessica starts crying and Todd hugs her to comfort her, and OF COURSE they start kissing. That’s when Liz comes home, crying about Winston. Todd and Jessica manage to cover up pretty well and Liz doesn’t notice anything is amiss, but Bruce is giving them the hairy eyeball.

PRESENT DAY Liz flies into LAX, where she’ll meet Liam. She’s going to change at the airport and drive directly to the club for the party. On the flight, she remembers – FLASHBACK! Winston’s funeral. Winston got super drunk and fell off his balcony. People are sad, but Winston had turned into such a total misogynistic jackass that most people are mourning the kid he used to be. Jessica starts looking at Liz intensely and yapping about forgiveness and junk. Liz thinks it’s weird, but figures it’s just funeral stuff.

PRESENT DAY Jessica is getting ready for “Grandmommy’s” party (ugh, grandmommy?) and thinks about the day Liz found out about her and Todd.

FLASHBACK Which is totally lame. Jessica’s husband shows up, I guess to talk to her, but she’s afraid of him so she asks Todd to be in the room. Regan walks in and immediately accuses Jessica of sleeping with Todd. I don’t know why. Words are exchanged and the boys start scufflin’. Liz comes home and breaks up their fight. Regan yells at her and says there’s something going on behind her back, and then he leaves. Liz asks Toddica what Regan was talking about and Jessica says he’s just crazy jealous, which seems reasonable. But Liz has one of those moments where she suddenly realizes how blind she’s been. She calls them cheating liars and storms out.

And that’s it, that’s how she found out. Maybe I’m sick in the head, but I was really kind of hoping she’d find them in bed together or something. Something more exciting than a “sudden realization”.

PRESENT DAY Dinner at the country club seems like it might be okay at first. The twins manage to ignore each other for the most part, but Liz is a little irritated that Liam seems completely smitten with Jessica. She was supposed to fall for him, not the other way around. He hangs on her all night, which pisses Todd off. Liz can’t help but smirk when Toddica start arguing, and the smirk gets Jessica going. Pretty soon, Liz is yelling at Todd, Steven is yelling at Jessica, Bruce and Aaron are telling people to shut up, and Alice is trying to keep everyone from killing each other. She yells at Ned to “bring out the fucking cake.” Grandmommy Robertson is the only one not yelling. When Liz leaves to go back to New York, Todd and Jessica aren’t speaking to each other, and Liz is pissed at Liam for flirting with Jessica so much.

Liz still has to interview Will for her job, and she can tell he wants to apologize for accusing her of being crazy for revenge. She doesn’t want him to do that because then she’ll have to say he was right. So she does the interview and then goes back to his place and has sex with him. I’m not sure why she feels like she always has to have sex with a guy to make him shut up.

She gets home from Will’s to find Jessica asleep outside her apartment door. Jessica says she’s left Todd and wants Liz’s forgiveness. It only takes about thirty seconds of Jessica crying for Liz to forgive her. And just like that, they’re talking everything through. Liz, who only needed to find a new man to realize she really doesn’t love Todd anymore, tells Jessica to go back to Todd. Jessica leaves the next morning and Todd is waiting for her outside Liz’s apartment building. He gives her a big hug and they go home to Sweet Valley. Liz meets Will later and tells him everything. He still thinks she’s the bee’s knees and they go back to Liz’s.

Will and Liz become friends with benefits, and things are going really well. Her article comes out and she gets another job offer from a magazine. By the time Will’s play opens, Liz has decided she’s not in love with Will, but they have a really good friendship. On opening night, Will’s parents show up with the fiancé Will left behind when he came to New York to be a famous playwright. It’s clear to Liz that Will and Wendy love each other. She’s happy for them.

When Liz goes home for Jessica’s wedding, Bruce tells Liz he’s selling his house and moving to New York because he’s in love with someone who lives there. Liz is an idiot and Bruce has to spell it out for her that Liz is the one he loves. They go up to Bruce’s bedroom where they get naked and we learn that Liz has “taut nipples.”

EPILOGUE: FOR ALL SWEET VALLEY FANS OF OLD

Everyone in the world shows up to Jessica’s wedding, and Francine gives us a little bio of what’s been going on with all our old friends…

• Bill Chase – Lost his right leg to a shark during a triathlon three years ago. Now teaches surfing to handicapped teens. Married someone named Lianne Kane.
• Roger Collins – Mr. Collins has quit teaching and is a successful writer. His son is now nineteen and named Sam (pretty sure he used to be named Teddy).
• Jeffrey French – Lila’s date for the wedding. Now Francine tells us he’s single, even though Jessica talked to his wife in the second chapter.
• Dee Dee Gordon – Working as an artist
• Charlie Markus – Married Annie Whitman. He writes for a car magazine but wants to be a novelist. He is referred to as the boy who “saved” Annie, but I think Francine has confused him with Ricky Capaldo.
• Betsy Martin – An alcoholic who sleeps around. I guess art school wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
• A. J. Morgan – Sells shoes at the Nike store in the mall.
• Roger Barrett Patman – A successful Hollywood producer. He married Zoe Jones, a rock star.
• Caroline Pearce – Caroline’s cancer is in remission these days. She puts out a gossip blog six days a week.
• Enid Rollins – Enid is a successful gynecologist, but she’s arrogant and extremely right-wing. She plans to run for city council, and that’s why she wants to keep her relationship with A. J. a secret. She doesn’t think a shoe salesman is an appropriate partner for someone as important as she is.
• Nicky Shepard – I don’t know why we care about this guy since he was really only important in one book, but Francine tells us he hit rock bottom two years ago and is now living in Utah, teaching at an AA center.
• Cara Walker – She and Steven are now divorced, but she still remains friendly with Ned and Alice.
• Annie Whitman – Annie is a lawyer in San Francisco. She and Charlie have a two-year-old boy.
• Robin Wilson – Catered Jessica’s wedding. She’s also senior editor of Bon Appétit.
• George Warren – A representative for a Silicon Valley company. Lives in England.

We get a rundown of some dead folks. Winston, Regina and Tricia are mentioned, but strangely, Olivia Davidson is not. Maybe because of her zombie appearance in SVU. Surprisingly, Suzanne Devlin is among the dead. We’re told she returned to Sweet Valley six years after the Mr. Collins scandal, but she had multiple sclerosis and crashed her car after taking her medication with champagne. Wait, I thought she just had mono. I’m confused.

And now the Wakefields…

• Ned Wakefield – Still a successful lawyer. He’s so awesome that even the mayor came to the wedding.
• Alice Wakefield – Now has her own interior design company. It is, of course, successful. Alice was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago, but she had a lumpectomy and some radiation and is good to go.
• Steven Wakefield – Steve and Aaron are living together and hoping that someday they’ll be able to get married.
• Elizabeth Wakefield – Liz was Jessica’s maid of honor. I think that’s gross, but what do I know? She and Bruce are totally in love.
• Jessica Wakefield – Was fifteen minutes late for her own wedding because, as you know, nothing starts until she gets there.

Quotes:

Unless, of course, she were to arrive, unexpectedly, at her grandmother’s party on the arm of a handsome New York playwright. That certainly wouldn’t be pathetic.

It’s a little pathetic if he looks exactly like the ex-boyfriend you’re so eager to show up.

…its main financial backing had come from Richard Fowler, Lila’s father.

Didn’t his name used to be George?

One time when we were in high school, this lunatic madman came at her with a sledgehammer. I jumped in between them, and I didn’t even have a weapon. All I had was crazy fury and determination to save my sister’s life.

What’s funny is that I thought I would try to give you guys a link to the book this is from and make a snarky comment about it, but the twins escaped death so many times that I don’t know which book to link to.

I’m in my black Porsche convertible, the last vestige of the old Bruce that I can’t give up.

1BRUCE1 is still alive, people!

“I remember once I had this thing with Caroline way back when we were in the seventh grade. She told everyone that I let A. J. Morgan touch my breast.”

That’s so weird, you know, because he didn’t move to Sweet Valley until junior year.

She was twenty-seven years old and this was the first person she’d ever told to go fuck himself. What was wrong with her?

Oh, Liz. You’ve just been suffering from Valleyitis. Folks from the SV don’t say fuck. Except Alice Wakefield, apparently.

The Cover: Is boring. I really do like the endpapers though.

The End.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: You can only fuck around on your boyfriend for so long before he finally gets sick of it. In this case, fifteen years.

The Big Deal: Junior Prom

Synopsis:

Devon corners Liz at the beach and yells at her for skipping their date to meet Todd. Then he tells her he’s the one who asked her to come to the beach because he wanted to see which guy she’d choose. Liz tells him she just wanted to return Todd’s ring. Devon immediately starts apologizing and Liz decides to forgive him.

Suddenly, it’s prom night. Devon calls and leaves a message with Jessica for Liz to meet him at some restaurant instead of at Secca Lake like they’d planned. Predictably, Jessica forgets to pass on the message and Liz ends up waiting around for an hour for Devon to show up at the lake. Why isn’t he picking her up at home? I love a good plot contrivance. Todd shows up at the lake. He wanted to go there because it’s “their” place. Liz is touched and confused and stuff, but after waiting so long for Devon, she decides to just go to the prom with Todd.

Meanwhile, Jessica’s limo pulls up at Jordan’s house. Right next to Lila’s limo. They spot each other and race to the front door. When Jordan answers the doorbell, he’s wearing boxers and eating a chili dog. He tells Lila and Jessica they’re a couple of morons for going behind each other’s backs. Then he slams the door in their faces. For some reason, this makes Jessica remember Devon’s message for Liz. She goes to the restaurant, planning to explain herself to Devon, but when she sees him looking all lonely and sad, she can’t help but pretend to be Liz. She figures they can go to Lila’s pre-prom party together, and then when they get to the dance, she and Liz can switch dresses and Devon will never know the difference.

Everything is going just great at Lila’s party except black Maria keeps giving Jessica and Devon weird looks. Enid looks absolutely miserable with Blubber Johnson and Devon keeps suggesting “Liz” go talk to her, but Jessica changes the subject. When everyone is leaving to go to the dance, Courtney Kane shows up. She stomps up the driveway and demands to know where Todd is. He apparently called her and said he decided not to go to the prom, but Courtney is sure he’s with Liz. Lila says nobody’s seen him, but Courtney is welcome to accompany her to the prom to see if he shows up. In the limo, Devon and Jessica flirt a whole bunch and Jessica decides she’s not going to give him back to Liz.

Liz and Todd go straight from the lake to the country club ballroom, reminiscing about old times the whole way. Which I imagine goes something like this: “Hey, remember that time you cheated on me with my sister?” “Which time?” They’re the first ones at the dance and they decide to have a spin around the dance floor before anyone else get there. And of course that’s when the whole crew comes in and sees them together. Courtney screams, “I can’t take this anymore!” and runs out of the room. Everyone else looks on in shock because they think it’s Jessica dancing with Todd. Liz is pretty shocked herself to see Jessica and Devon together. Jessica drags Liz away and comes up with the worst plan ever: Jessica will hang out with Devon and pretend to be Liz all night while Liz enjoys her prom night with Todd. How is this a good plan? So there are two Elizabeths and no Jessicas at this prom? Whatever. They’re not even trying anymore.

Jessica has a great time with Devon, but then Lila drags her off to the bathroom, where she threatens to tell Devon the truth. She’s miserable because she doesn’t have a date, so she wants to spread the misery around. They argue for a minute and then Lila says Jessica’s not worth the effort. After they leave the bathroom, Courtney comes out of a stall feeling like an evil genius. While Jessica talks to some of the cheerleaders, Courtney tells Devon he’s been dancing with Jessica all night. Devon is pissed. He marches over to Todd and Liz and makes a scene. Both Devon and Todd are completely disgusted with the twins. Liz runs out of the room in tears.

Jessica finally decides to come back to the ballroom, and Lila catches her and tells her Devon and Todd found out what was happening and that Liz wants to talk to her and is waiting in the golf shed. Jessica runs off that way, but she doesn’t know that Lila and Courtney are working together to bring the twins down. Liz is actually in the pool house crying to Enid and black Maria. Lila runs in and tells Liz that Jessica wants to talk in the golf shed, and she’s aggravated when Enid and Maria insist on going with her. While Courtney is locking the twins, Enid and Maria in the shed, Lila goes on to do the rest of her job. She’s supposed to convince Todd and Devon to get on the party yacht the school is renting.

Maria’s date, Tyler, and Blubber Johnson find the girls and Blubber breaks down the door. Well, that’s one upside to dating a football player. They run to the dock and get there just as the yacht starts sailing away. They get hold of a speedboat and go after it. I don’t really get what they’re going to do when they get to it, but we never get to find out because as soon as they get close, they see Courtney push Todd overboard. So she’s not just a bitch, she’s also homicidal. Liz jumps in and saves Todd. Once he’s on the speedboat, he thanks Liz for saving his life, but tells her he doesn’t ever want to see her again.

Quotes:

Todd’s jaw tightened. “You heard me. I don’t want to see you anymore. I can’t let you keep playing with me the way you have been.” He closed his eyes, and when he spoke again, his voice sounded distant and harsh, not at all like Todd. “I won’t play the fool anymore, Liz.”

Todd’s breakup speech.

The Cover: Doesn’t Lila look like some kind of dominatrix back there? Or, like, a madam keeping an eye on her girls?

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: If your girlfriend cheats on you and you want to win her back, start making out with another girl.

The Big Deal: Science fair

Synopsis:

After Jessica tells Todd that Liz and Devon are making out on the softball field at school, she puts her hand on his in a suggestive way and offers to fool around with him to get back at Liz. Todd is horrified at the idea. He doesn’t believe his sweet, loyal Liz would ever, ever cheat on him, so he leaves Jessica with the food and races over to the high school to see for himself. When Todd gets to school and sees Liz and Devon together, he decides he will win Liz back. Um, hello? Let the bitch go.

Jessica starts scheming. She figures if she can get Todd to start going out with someone else, Liz will break up with Devon so she can get Todd back, leaving Devon free for Jessica. She decides to get in touch with Courtney Kane and do a little matchmaking.

Since Lila is friends with Courtney, Jessica lets her in on the plan and the three of them get together. Courtney is perfectly willing to be Todd’s rebound chick, so she lets Jessica and Lila give her a makeover so she looks more “soft” and “refined.” More like Liz, in other words, and less skanky. Then they parade her in front of Todd, and he starts to wonder if Jessica is on the right track with this revenge idea. But no, he’d rather cry about Liz and try to win her back by giving her the ring he bought for her. Liz puts it in her jewelry box, and Jessica takes it, figuring it will come in handy.

The next part of Jessica’s plan is to get Devon to notice her again. To that end, she makes sure to bump into him while she’s walking down the hall reading her chemistry book. She tells him she’s having trouble in the subject and he plays right into her hands by offering to help her after school. They meet in the library for about two seconds before Jessica gets pissed because Devon makes some comment about not being surprised she sucks at chemistry. Jessica yells at him and tells him to watch out for Liz because she’s a fickle bitch. Much like destiny.

You know what I'm talking about, Lost fans.

Later, Jessica makes sure Courtney is waiting for Todd after basketball practice. While they’re talking, Jessica, pretending to be Liz, walks across the parking lot. She turns to Todd, sees him with Courtney, reaches into her pocket and puts on Todd’s ring, and then waves at Todd before turning around. Todd is at first excited that Liz seems interested in him again, but then he gets mad that she didn’t want him back until she saw him with Courtney. This pisses him off more than Liz kissing Devon did. And somehow Jessica knew it would. Todd and Courtney leave to go grab some pizza, and Jessica follows them to Guido’s. She calls Liz and asks her to meet her there, and Liz get to the restaurant just in time to see Todd and Courtney making out. Liz runs out the door in horror, but then she starts thinking about things and decides she’s really happy for Todd and she’s going to do whatever it takes to make sure his new relationship works out. That way she’ll be free to be with Devon without feeling guilty.

Then there’s the whole science fair thing. Devon and Liz are going to enter because they’re lab partners. Jessica wants to enter, and she’s sure that Devon will fall madly in love with her if she wins. Unfortunately, Bruce is her lab partner and the best idea they come up with is a volcano. At the fair, Devon is acting all weird and doesn’t really want to win. He didn’t want to enter in the first place, something about people at his old school only knowing him as a smart guy. Yeah, who wants that? When he finds out that somebody (Jessica) ruined his and Liz’s project, he thinks it’s great. Meanwhile, Todd is walking around with Courtney, totally fed up with her snobbishness, and Jessica and Bruce’s volcano blows up.

The next morning, Jessica mentions something to Liz about the ring Todd gave her. Liz decides to give it back to him so he can give it to Courtney. How very noble of her. Liz calls Todd and then goes off to meet him at the Dairi Burger. They get to talking about the ring, and Todd says he saw her wearing it that one day after school. Liz says she never wore it and doesn’t know what he’s talking about. They realize Jessica’s been messing with them both this whole time. As they talk about how much they still care about each other, they hold hands.

Aren't they cute together?

Of course, that’s when Jessica comes in with Courtney and Devon. Devon and Todd start yelling and threatening each other in their cool-guy way, and then out of nowhere, Todd gets down on one knee and asks Liz to marry him. I wish I was kidding. Liz is horrified. So is Devon. He grabs Todd and the two of them start going at it. A couple of football players come break up the fight. Liz goes home and locks herself in her room, disgusted with everyone.

Fight!

Quotes:

Elizabeth would never do this to me, he reassured himself. She would never cheat on me.

What in your experience together would lead you to this line of thinking?

She couldn’t help thinking that Todd never wanted to watch the same movies as she did anymore. They used to watch old classics together all the time. But now he seemed to prefer action movies or psychological thrillers.

Liz, Todd is a dude. You can’t expect him to just watch Casablanca over and over again for the rest of his life.

“How about if we paint it purple?” Jessica suggested. “We could even add tiny yellow flowers or moons.”

Bruce shook his head. “Jessica, volcanoes are brown. And they don’t have little moons on them.”

“Brown?” Jessica asked in alarm. “You want to paint it brown?”

Jessica, seriously, are you still twelve years old?

The Cover: Does the Dairi Burger have a pool table? Nobody has ever mentioned that before. And who the hell are these people? Neither one of these guys look like the Devon from the previous covers.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: Boys are idiots.

The Big Deal: Party at Todd’s

Synopsis:

The cops show up and break up the rumble. The Sweet Valley guys run off to another abandoned warehouse Bruce found for them to hide out in. Before they leave the scene, though, Ken sees the guy who beat him up say something to Jessica. He’s sure it’s some kind of crude remark, but of course it’s just Christian telling Jessica to meet him at the beach the next morning. She does and they decide they can never see each other again.

On Monday, Mr. Cooper holds an assembly and lays out some new rules, one of them being that nobody is allowed to wear school colors to school anymore. The guys get all upset and refuse to obey, taking to rebelliously wearing SVH t-shirts under their sweatshirts. You tell ‘em, boys. Predictably, Liz joins the “task force” Mr. Cooper is putting together. The task force will work to promote peace between the schools. Todd can’t believe Liz is against him. Liz can’t believe Todd is being such a jackass. She’s sure they’re going to break up any day because her friend from Palisades, Caitlin, just broke up with her boyfriend over this whole war thing. Liz feels bad for Caitlin, so she invites her and her friend Marla to come along with her to a party at Todd’s. Enid tries to tell her it’s a bad idea, but Liz is having none of that. Sure enough, nobody will talk to the Palisades girls and Todd yells at Liz. That was pretty freaking stupid.

Jessica finally tells Liz that she’s been learning to surf but asks her to keep it a secret. Jessica and Christian manage to stay away from each other for two whole days, but then meet at the beach again. They start making out and just can’t stop. Liz notices Jessica isn’t at school and worries that she’s drowned or something. She finds Ken, tells him what’s going on and they go to the beach to find her. Liz finds them first, but Christian manages to run away before Ken can see him. It doesn’t matter though, because a few days later, Ken overhears the twins talking about the guy Jessica has been seeing.

The boys decide it would be a good idea to slash the tires on some of the Palisades guys’ cars. Winston is seen and the guy threatens him. Winston spends most of the book wishing he could stand up to Bruce and whining that he has no choice but to do these stupid things. He gets a call one day from Todd telling him there’s going to be a special meeting at the abandoned warehouse. Winston thinks Todd doesn’t sound like himself, but assumes he’s just pissed about something. He ditches Maria and takes off.

Ken is sitting in his car, spying on the Wakefields’ house that night. He sees Todd and Liz leave, and after a while he sees Jessica get into the Jeep. He follows her to the beach, where she gets out and hops into another car. Then he follows the other car to a restaurant. He goes inside just in time to see Jessica and Christian totally making out because they apparently can’t even keep their hands off each other long enough to eat a meal. Ken threatens Christian and then tells Jessica he never wants to see her again. He jumps in his car and leaves. Jessica tells Christian they need to follow him.

Todd and Liz go to the Dairi Burger. Maria is there and she asks Todd what happened to the guys’ meeting. Todd says there was no meeting and now everyone is worried about Winston. Todd figures the Palisades guys must have found their warehouse hideout and told Winston to meet them there. Todd calls the rest of the guys and takes off with them. Liz calls the cops. She and some of the other girls follow Todd.

At the warehouse, the Palisades guys are beating the crap out of poor Winston. Then the Sweet Valley guys show up and it turns into another rumble. When the girls get there and see what’s going on, they start screaming. Ken, Christian and Jessica get there just as the cops do. Most of the guys quiet down, but Todd doesn’t seem to notice the cops and just keeps pummeling the guy he’s on top of. As the cops are putting him in the squad car, Liz says something to the cop about it all being a mistake, she only called them so they could break up the fight. Uh, Liz? Sometimes this is how they break up a fight. Todd overhears and is super pissed that Liz is the one who called the police.

Ugh, to be continued…

Quotes:

“But they’re not going to be safe even if they stay in Palisades,” Bruce growled. “I say it’s time to carry the battle back to their home turf.”

Aaron jumped to his feet. “Justice,” he shouted. “That’s all we’re after!”

“Justice,” Ken repeated, his voice ringing strong and clear in the cavernous warehouse.

And then they all broke into a song and dance number.

“Slash their tires?” Elizabeth repeated, gaping at Maria…It was bad, far worse even than Elizabeth had imagined.

What did you imagine that was so much better than some slashed tires?

I can’t do it, Jessica thought. But I have to do it. I’m still Ken’s girlfriend.

You are allowed to break up with him, you know.

“Hi, Olivia,” she said, waving to Olivia and her boyfriend, Rod Sullivan. “Hi, Rod.”

I thought Olivia broke up with Rod and eventually started dating some guy named Harry.

The Cover: This is the Cover of Bad Hair. Christian is probably the ugliest person I’ve ever seen on an SVH cover, and that’s certainly saying something. Todd’s greaser look is ridiculous. The leather jacket doesn’t suit him, and besides, it’s the Palisades guys who are supposed to be wearing leather. The SVH guys wear jean jackets. Duh.

The Moral of the Story: On no account should boys be allowed to hang out by themselves.

The Big Deal: SVH/Palisades football game, masquerade ball

Synopsis:

At what is apparently the most important football game of all time, Liz and Enid meet two girls from Palisades High. Marla and Caitlin work on the Palisades newspaper, so the four girls immediately become friends. They all lament that there’s nothing for their papers to write about and decide to make their own news. After talking for a while, they decide the two schools should hold a fundraiser dance. They’ll make it a competition: the school that sells the most tickets can donate all the proceeds to the charity of its choice. None of the girls notice that the Palisades Pumas are playing dirty on the field and really banging up the SVH players.

Sweet Valley loses the game and Ken is all emo and pissy about it. He’s hanging out with Todd and Aaron in the parking lot afterward when a couple Pumas come up and punch him in the stomach. Ken tries to fight back, but Todd and Aaron restrain him and drag him to Todd’s car. After that, the guys start having GNOs (Guys’ Night Out). Egged on by Bruce, they start to get all crazed about getting revenge on Palisades High. They get a bunch of paint and write on the Palisades football field, “Palisades Pumas Purr Like Kittens.” Oh, Bruce. You almost got it right, but you’re off by just one word. In retaliation, the Palisades guys egg cars and TP houses. Blah, blah, everyone hates each other. The funniest part about this whole thing is that the SVH guys are suddenly walking around wearing jean jackets and sunglasses all the time. They’ve all been brainwashed, including Ken and Todd. Liz isn’t happy and wants to cancel the dance. Jessica doesn’t really care what’s going on because she’s all wrapped up in her latest infidelity.

There’s a surfing competition coming up and the grand prize is a trip to Hawaii. Jessica is determined to win even though she can’t surf. She wakes up early one morning to go to the beach and teach herself the basics. That’s where she meets Christian Gorman, the most gorgeous man she’s ever seen and a champion surfer. Over the next week, Christian teaches Jessica to surf and they fall in love. They decide they don’t want to know too much about each other, so neither of them even knows where the other goes to school. Jessica sort of feels bad about the fact that Ken’s going through a thing and she’s not there for him, so she gives a half-assed attempt at talking to him about the Palisades thing. He tells her there’s going to be trouble at the upcoming dance. Jessica says maybe they should just cancel it, but Ken says the guys will all show up anyway. Jessica tells Liz canceling the dance would be a bad idea because at least if there are other people around, maybe the guys won’t get too crazy.

Liz and Olivia get together with Marla and Caitlin and decide each school should do an edition of their paper dedicated to the other school. Liz and Olivia go to Palisades High to interview some students, but nobody will talk to them, partly because Liz is wearing an SVH sweatshirt. Even after she turns it inside out, though, nobody wants anything to do with her. When Liz and Olivia get back to SVH, they find Marla and Caitlin have had similar luck. Liz writes her feature article about Palisades High’s past record in sports and shit, which is really boring but at least it’s not inflammatory. Then John Pfeifer decides he just has to put in the stuff about the Palisades guys playing dirty on the football field. There’s also a bit about Tom McKay getting hit in the head with a tennis ball (*must resist urge to make a Clueless reference about Tom and balls flying at his face*). After reading John’s articles, the guys at SVH are even angrier than before.

The dance is being held at an old warehouse on Phantom Lane, halfway between Palisades and Sweet Valley. ‘Cause that’s not creepy or anything. As soon as the dance starts, all the guys disappear. Jessica goes outside to find them and walks right into a rumble. Ken is on the ground covered in blood. Jessica looks up at his attacker and is shocked to see Christian. Jessica slumps to the ground, and “Then nothing. Blackness.” So I guess she passes out or something.

To be continued.

Quotes:

Using her mouse, she clicked open her dance file.

Reading about people in the early to mid nineties using computers never fails to make me giggle.

They must have used a dozen roles [sic] of toilet paper, Ken thought. What a waste. Don’t they know anything about conservation?

Yes, that’s Ken’s mental comeback to having toilet paper thrown all over his house. Conservation.

Elizabeth turned angrily, shaking off the hand. It was Bruce and he was scowling. Aaron and Ronnie were standing by his side. They were all wearing their jean jackets and dark glasses.

I guess that’s how you know when a guy has been brainwashed into Bruce’s club. He gets himself a jean jacket and a pair of sunglasses.

The Cover: Ooh, look at those bad boys in that parking lot with that rebellious knocked over trashcan. Aw, but look at Christian and Jessica falling in love. How sweet.

Synopsis: Ugh, why isn’t this miniseries over yet? I’m sick to death of the twins being in this fight and Margo being insane. Just get it resolved already.

Elizabeth: Things have gradually been getting better between the twins, and one day they actually speak to each other and finally make up. Hooray! Not for long, though. Liz goes to Jessica’s room one night for something and finds the letter Todd wrote two weeks ago while Liz was still on trial for manslaughter. She can’t believe Jessica would betray her and keep the letter (uh, dead boyfriend, Liz). She storms into Jessica’s room the next morning and yells at her. Liz goes to Todd’s that night and gives him a big kiss. Things are back to normal and it suddenly doesn’t matter that he cheated on her with her twin sister. Olivia Davidson and her new boyfriend, Harry, are having a costume party, and Liz and Todd decide to go together.

Jessica: Jessica is still dating James and she thinks he’s in love with her. James, on the other hand, is getting freaked out. Margo is acting weirder every day, and James starts to think twice about telling her everything he learns about Jessica. Besides, James is starting to care about Jessica. They decide to go to the costume party as Cinderella and Prince Charming. Jessica plans to wear a pair of earrings James gave her, but at the last minute puts on a pair she got from Sam. When Jessica comes downstairs to meet James that night, she’s shocked to see Liz wearing a nearly identical costume.

Winston: His parents are out of town for a week and Winston is looking forward to being a teenage slob. Then an awful neighbor comes over and shoves her eight-month-old baby at him. She says she suddenly has to catch a plane and she’ll be back tomorrow night. For some reason, he thinks he shouldn’t tell anyone what’s happening, so when Maria comes over the next day, Winston hides the baby in a closet. For real. It doesn’t matter, because Maria hears the baby crying and helps Winston out. He still doesn’t tell his parents, though. The baby’s mother doesn’t come back the next night, or the next. Winston has been skipping school to take care of Daisy, but the third day, he decides to go back. He puts the baby in a duffel bag and takes her with him. This whole thing is so Saved by the Bell. To be honest, I started to just skim this storyline when I got to the part where Winston tries to hide the baby from Mr. Belding Mr. Cooper.

Margo: Even though she hates children and usually ends up killing them, Margo gets herself a job at a daycare center. She talks to James every night, and makes him tell her exactly what Jessica will be wearing to the costume party, right down to the earrings. Then she makes sure she has an identical costume. Margo is at work one day when Winston comes in and tells her about Daisy and asks for some advice. Margo recognizes Winston as Liz’s date at the Fowler wedding.

The outcome: Liz feels out of sorts at Olivia’s party so she goes outside for a walk in the garden. She senses someone watching her, and then Jessica comes out of the shadows. She doesn’t say anything before going inside to the party. Liz is freaked out when she sees Jessica’s rhinestone earrings; she was sure she saw Jessica wearing the pearls Sam gave her. Jessica is standing by herself when someone grabs her. It’s Josh, the brother of the little boy Margo killed in Ohio. He’s been trying to find Margo all this time and he’s tracked her to this party. Unfortunately, Margo and the twins are all dressed alike. After he grabs Jessica, she screams and a crowd gathers around, including another princess who looks like Margo. Josh is super confused.

The next day, Margo shows up at Winston’s house and cheerfully demands that he go out and do something relaxing while she watches Daisy. Winston is a fucking moron and just leaves the baby with a complete stranger. Margo immediately starts freaking out as soon as Winston is gone. The baby starts crying, so Margo dumps her in a crib upstairs and starts pounding on its bars. The doorbell rings, and Margo answers it to find Liz. Margo is totally insane, so she just slips past Liz and runs away. Liz follows the sound of the screaming baby, trying to remember where she’s seen the weird girl before. She finally remembers a dream she had in which a Jessica with black hair was going to kill her. That’s right, Liz is a psychic.

Maria shows up and Liz leaves, but she tells Maria it’s important she talk to Winston as soon as possible. Of course, Winston fails to call Liz before he and Maria go off to give Daisy to Margo, who has promised to hand the baby over to Social Services. When he gets back to his house, he finds Daisy’s mother waiting for him. (There’s some explanation for why she’s been gone for a week without communication, but I can’t be arsed to sort through it.) They all hop in the car and hurry back to the daycare center, where they rescue Daisy from Margo, who was clearly about to smother her with a pillow. It’s clear to me, anyway. Not to Winston.

To put the final part of her dastardly plan in motion, Margo writes a letter to Ned. She claims to be with some kind of consulting group or something and wants to talk to him. She’s rented a room in San Francisco for Ned and Alice for two nights.

Party costumes:

• Olivia and her boyfriend, Harry – Leonardo da Vinci and Mona Lisa (winners in my book)
• Steve and Billie – Mickey and Minnie Mouse (winners in actual book)
• Bruce and Pamela – a sultan and a harem girl
• Rosa – wears her witch costume from Macbeth
• Lila and Tony Alimenti – Scarlett and Rhett
• Robin Wilson – a mime
• Winston, Maria and Daisy – Lucy, Ricky and Little Ricky
• Annie Whitman – a gypsy
• Enid – Amelia Earhart

Quotes:

[Elizabeth’s] new blue maillot looked great – sexy, but in an understated way. Enid sighed…

The whole first chapter seems to be nothing but Enid telling Liz how great she looks.

Elizabeth opened her mouth to tell Maria everything, but she stopped herself. She didn’t know for sure that the curly-haired girl had done anything wrong. She would tell Winston, certainly, but it wouldn’t be right for her to spread rumors that could hurt somebody’s reputation.

Well, you kind of know that she left a screaming baby with a complete stranger without saying a word. What kind of reputation do you think this chick has?

The Cover: Aw, Liz and Todd look cute for once. Margo looks like she’s showing this kid some crazy dance, but kid has to pee and doesn’t feel like dancing. I have no idea who that kid is supposed to be. Just a daycare client, I guess. Hey, look at the bulletin board. Do you think Olivia painted those?

Synopsis:

Elizabeth: Liz’s trial is starting, and Alice Wakefield is losing her marbles, running around offering snacks and washing windows while Liz and Ned go over their defense. A defense, by the way, that sucks ass because Liz cannot remember anything, no matter how many times the jerkface prosecutor asks her what happened the night of the prom.

Jessica: Jessica is still hanging all over Todd and ending most family scenes by running out of the room. She knows Todd feels bad about Liz, but she tells him he has to choose where his loyalties lie. The night before Liz’s trial starts, Todd and Jessica go to the Beach Disco and make out during a slow dance. A few days later, Jessica finds a letter Todd has written to Liz, and she snaps when she realizes she doesn’t really want Todd anyway. All she wants is Sam. This doesn’t make her give up, though. If anything, she hangs on to Todd more tightly, telling him Liz read his letter and threw it away. For some reason, she goes to the courthouse for the last day of Liz’s trial.

Todd: Todd sucks. He goes to Liz’s trial and it makes him feel guilty for what he’s been doing with Jessica. He tells Jessica it feels wrong to be with her, but keeps making out with her. He’s all torn up, so he goes to visit Steve, of all people, who is not happy to hear that Todd has been cheating on one little sister with the other. That night, Todd writes Liz a letter and asks her to give him a sign. He’ll go to her trial every day, and when she wears the bracelet he gave her, he’ll know it’s okay for him to talk to her.

Lila: Lila’s mother tells her the story of why she left Sweet Valley to go live in Paris: Grace wanted a separation from George, but George didn’t. When Grace took Lila and went to her parents’ house, George filed for divorce and sued for custody. Lila decides she’s going to get her parents back together.

Steven: Steve has a crush on his roommate, Billie, and she’s a really good listener when he talks about his family. When a classmate says there’s a rumor that Steve’s mom is in a nuthatch or something, Steve accuses Billie of blabbing. Billie is hurt and says she’s moving out. Then Steve finds out that Jessica told Amy and Lila that Alice was losing it. He apologizes to Billie and they make up.

Bruce: Pamela Robertson has transferred to Sweet Valley High in the hopes of getting away from her reputation as a slut at Big Mesa. Bruce still won’t give her the time of day, and Cousin Roger thinks it’s his fault because he was one of the many people who tried to warn Bruce about Pamela’s sluttiness. Poor Pamela doesn’t have any friends because everyone at Sweet Valley already knows about her, and Roger feels bad. He decides to befriend her himself, but Pamela doesn’t trust his motives. When Lila and Amy ask her to have a soda with them, she decides to give them a try. The three of them become friends, and Amy has a talk with Bruce about the way he’s judged Pamela. Bruce realizes Amy is right and feels bad. Then one day, Bruce sees a Big Mesa asshole trying to get Pamela to take a ride with him. Pamela is scared and crying, so Bruce just runs up and punches the guy in the face. Then he kisses Pamela.

Margo: Margo rides the Big Grey Dog all the way from Houston to Los Angeles, where she buys a train ticket to Sweet Valley. While waiting for her train, she sees Josh, the older brother of the boy she killed in Cleveland. Margo makes a scene, acting like Josh is bothering her, and then runs out of the restaurant. She exchanges her ticket and hops on the train currently leaving for San Diego instead. When she finally gets to Sweet Valley, the first place she goes is the mall to buy a blond wig.

The outcome: On the last day of Liz’s trial, a kid named Gilbert is called as a surprise witness. He was out driving drunk the night of the prom, and he caused Liz to crash. Jessica is all happy for a minute because that means her spiking Liz’s drink didn’t cause Sam’s death, Gilbert did. Then she notices that her whole family is rallied around Liz, hugging her and whatnot. She gets all sad and leaves with Todd. Liz tries to talk to her a few nights later, but Jessica ignores her and leaves the room.

Quotes:

But Mom’s only in Sweet Valley temporarily, Lila reminded herself. Nothing lasts forever. If I can’t count on the stability of the Wakefields, what can I count on?

If this mess hasn’t taught you that the Wakefields are even more fucked up than most families, nothing will.

Roger heaved a discouraged sigh. This was a repeat of many conversations he’d had with Bruce since he came to live in Sweet Valley after his mother’s death.

The continuity is even worse in these books than in the first ninety-four. Roger already lived in Sweet Valley when his mother died. Remember? He was poor, Lila had a crush on him, blah blah blah.

Laughing at his own wit, Bruce climbed into the Porsche and started the engine. He didn’t give Pamela another glance – that was part of her punishment…

I will kill Bruce Patman. Her punishment?

The Cover: Okay, Margo is freaking me out. She looks really scary. And the Sweet Valley courthouse is pretty imposing, too. Liz’s shirt is horrible.

Synopsis:

Liz has been charged with involuntary manslaughter. The detectives keep asking her questions, but she has no recollection of drinking the night of the prom, or of leaving the school. She’s put in a holding cell with a prostitute. I can’t believe there’s even one prostitute in Sweet Valley. Ned calls Steve, who almost faints when he hears Liz will be spending the night in the police station’s holding cell. Jessica is still feeling as depressed as ever, but she’s decided to pretend to be her old self again. She’s also decided that the only thing that will really make her feel better is if Liz goes down for murdering Sam.

Her first day back at school after being released, everyone avoids Liz except Enid. Enid sets her bag down next to Liz at lunch and then goes to get her food. While she’s gone, Liz sees a newspaper sticking out of Enid’s bag. She grabs it and sees her own picture on the front page and an article about how she’s going to stand trial. Liz gets it into her head that Enid meant for her to find the newspaper and embarrass her, so she runs out of the cafeteria. What she doesn’t know is that Jessica stuck that paper in Enid’s bag when Enid walked past her. Phase two of Jessica’s revenge involves Todd. She calls him crying about how much she misses Sam, and manipulates Todd into offering to hang out with her the next night.

Lila seems to think her mother’s visit is going to solve all her problems, and Amy is worried. Jessica is annoyed because Lila never shuts up about her mom. Pamela calls Bruce and he agrees to listen to her explanation for staying out all night with some guy. Olivia, who is suddenly referred to as Nicholas Morrow’s best friend, has entered Nicholas to be on a dating show called Hunks. He’s a good sport about it, but gets set up with a weird biker chick named Jakki.

There’s a weird chapter here that’s very Lost. Lila is going to meet her mother for the first time. She pulls out of her driveway and almost hits a chick on a motorcycle. The chick is Jakki, on her way to pick up Nicholas. Nicholas waves to Bruce from the back of Jakki’s bike. Bruce is on his way to meet Pamela. He has a red rose, but decides he’ll look weak if he gives it to her. He tosses it out the window, then pulls up next to Steve Wakefield at a light. Steve is lost in thought and almost hits a girl crossing the street. The girl is Pamela, on her way to meet Bruce. Mrs. Wakefield takes Liz to the mall to try to make her feel better. Liz is miserable and goes outside. She sees Todd drive by (he’s on his way to meet Jessica at the movie theater) and starts crying. She cries even harder when she sees a red rose on the hood of her mother’s car.

Jakki takes Nicholas to some biker bar called Club Mud. Nicholas calls Olivia to come pick him up. Lila meets her mother, but also her mother’s boyfriend, Pierre. He’s kind of a douchebag.

Pamela wants to tell Bruce her story, which is that she had dated some asshole named Jake Jacoby who wanted her to “go all the way” with him. When she wouldn’t, he dumped her, but told everyone he’d gotten laid. After that, all the boys started asking her out, then dumping her when she wouldn’t have sex with them, either. But all of them lied and said she did because nobody wanted to be known as the guy she wouldn’t sleep with. So now everyone thinks Pamela is a total whore. She went out with Jake to try to get him to tell people the truth about her, but he just got pissed and kept her out all night just to be mean. It was him Bruce saw bringing Pamela home that day. Pamela doesn’t get a chance to say any of this because as soon as she sits down with Bruce, Jake and two other guys come up to their table and start taunting them. Bruce leaves the restaurant.

Todd and Jessica both have a horrible time at the movie, but Jessica says she doesn’t want to go home yet. She suggests a walk on the beach, so off they go, past the Dairi Burger where everyone can see them together. On the beach, Todd mentions Sam, and Jessica starts crying. Todd hugs her and says he knows how she feels because he misses Liz so much. This pisses Jessica right off, but she pretends it doesn’t and holds Todd closer.

Liz has a meeting with the lawyer Ned found for her, Alan Rose. Mr. Rose is kind of a jerkface and alternately talks about how much alcohol was in Liz’s system and how uncooperative she’s being by saying she doesn’t remember anything about the crash. Hello, you’re the one sitting there talking about how drunk she was, and you’re surprised she can’t remember anything? Ned fires Mr. Rose and decides to represent Liz himself.

The next day, Steve takes Liz to the park and they see Todd and Jessica holding hands. The day after that, Enid and Liz are driving by Todd’s house and they see the twins’ Jeep in his driveway. Steve is worried about both his sisters, but pushes everything aside for a minute to find himself a roommate for his new off-campus apartment. He answers an ad by a Billie Winkler, who shocks him by turning out to be a girl. Steve’s an idiot.

Nicholas’ second date, Susan, is just as bad as his first, but the third girl is awesome. Ann is everything the first two weren’t, and Nicholas somehow manages to turn the date into a nightmare. He’s late picking her up, he gets a flat tire and he throws up. It’s pretty bad. The next day, he goes back to the Hunks studio, where each girl gets to tell the world how their dates went. Jakki and Susan are pretty mean, but Ann says she had a wonderful time. They agree to go out again.

A bunch of Nicholas’ friends are at the Hunks taping, and Jessica and Todd are among them. After the show, the guys all want to go to a nearby burrito stand and Todd asks Jessica to join them. Jessica says Sam loved burritos so she couldn’t possibly go with them. She’ll just go home. Todd offers to go with her, and they end up on the beach again. Jessica is wearing one of Liz’s sweaters and Todd is all confused and weirded out. When Jessica starts making out with him, he kisses her back while thinking about Liz.

Crazy Margo kills the little boy she’s been babysitting, steals a bunch of money from his parents’ house and leaves Cleveland. She’s on her way to California, where she thinks she’ll find her real family. For some reason, the voice in her head tells her to get off the bus in Houston. She hangs out at the Houston bus station for sixteen hours, and then an old woman sits down next to her with a newspaper. There’s a picture on the front page that Margo thinks is a picture of herself at first, but then sees the girl has blond hair and a dimple and is going to be going to trial on manslaughter charges.

Quotes:

“I’ve been a fool,” [Pamela] mumbled through her sobs. “I’ve been a stupid, stupid fool.”

Show of hands: who actually talked like this at sixteen years old?

The Cover: That must be the Wakefields’ house. Isn’t it quaint? Liz is looking at me and I don’t like it. There’s way too much denim going on over there with Todd and Jessica on the beach.

This is where the whole thing goes sideways, folks. Get ready.

The moral of the story: Prom is just not worth it.

The Big Deal: Party at the beach, horrible Jungle Prom

Synopsis:

At a totally awesome beach party, Bruce dares Jessica to swim out to the buoy. Liz begs Jessica not to do it, but Jessica laughs and jumps in the water (after stripping down to her bikini “striptease-style”). Liz runs around freaking out, telling Todd, Sam and Enid that Jessica’s in the water. Everyone tells Liz to chill, but she can’t. Jessica comes back to shore and Liz is all, “Jessica! You’re all right!” Jessica laughs and says of course she’s all right. Liz gets upset and decides she’s not going to worry about Jessica anymore; Liz is only going to worry about herself from now on.

Lila is having a terrible time with her date, Tony Alimenti. He’s a nice guy, but Lila isn’t ready for dating yet and only agreed to come to the party because Jessica and Amy wouldn’t leave her alone. Lila watches her friends dancing and wonders if they’re ever scared that their boyfriends will overpower them. Then Tony tries to put his arm around her and she jumps.

Meanwhile, Bruce is making out with Andrea Slade. He knows Andrea likes him a lot, but he’s just not interested because she doesn’t present a challenge. She tries to get him to commit to a picnic next weekend, but Bruce is an ass and tells her he doesn’t do commitment and if she doesn’t like it she can take a hike.

A ton of kids run onto the beach wearing Big Mesa’s school colors. They knock over the food table, spray shaving cream on everything and pick up the girls and carry them for a few feet and then drop them in the sand (Lila screams at the top of her lungs). The whole thing only lasts five minutes, but the mess is horrible. Sweet Valley wants revenge.

At the Dairi Burger afterward, the twins argue over whether or not Sweet Valley should retaliate while Bruce and some other former Club X members are in the parking lot discussing how they can get revenge on Big Mesa. Tony takes Lila home and she freaks out when he tries to kiss her goodnight. Liz and Todd go to Miller’s Point and talk. They decide everyone will calm down and nothing else will come of the raid on the beach.

While getting ready for the beach party, the twins came up with an awesome idea for a jungle themed school dance. At school on Tuesday, Liz tells her friends she’s gotten the go ahead from Principal Cooper on the Jungle Prom. They talk about whether or not there should be a king and queen, and Liz wonders if she should go for it. Later, Todd convinces her she would be a great queen. After school, Jessica goes out with her friends and declares that she intends to be prom queen.

Jungle Queen

Lila has a session that afternoon with Nathan Pritchard, her counselor. She’s really upset about Saturday night and tells Nathan what happened with Tony. Nathan does his best to convince her that maybe Tony wasn’t trying to hurt her and that Lila’s just oversensitive right now. Lila concedes that he’s probably right and says she doesn’t want to be scared of every boy in the world.

Environmental Alert, the organization Liz found to fund the prom, calls Liz and says they’ve put together a prize package for whoever is elected prom queen. The queen will win a trip to Brazil and the opportunity to be an honorary spokesperson for Environmental Alert. Liz runs out to the pool to tell Jessica and Lila the news. When she goes back inside, Jessica starts gushing to Lila about how awesome it will be when she’s prom queen. Lila pretends to fall asleep so Jessica will shut up. A few minutes later, Alice comes home. Lila watches Alice and Jessica talk to each other. She wishes she had a mother to talk to. Damn, Lila makes me so sad in this book.

Jessica misses a meeting of the prom committee, so Liz goes ahead without her. The committee decides on formal dress for the prom, which Liz knows is going to upset Jessica, who wanted everyone to dress all Tarzan and Jane. When Liz tells everyone about the prize package for the queen, everyone on the committee tells her she’s the logical choice. Jessica is pissed that Liz let the committee vote on the dress code issue without her, but doesn’t mind when she realizes that if it weren’t for Liz, Jessica wouldn’t be going to Brazil. She’s sure she doesn’t have any competition for the title of queen.

Andrea finds Bruce after school on Friday and asks him what he’s doing the next day. Bruce says something rude and is sure she’ll tell him off, but she just looks sad and tells him to call her sometime. Bruce thinks it’s kind of fun to string her along and see how much abuse she’ll take. He goes outside to the parking lot to find that his car, along with everyone else’s, is a mess. The damned Big Mesa jerks have come back with their shaving cream and they’ve drawn bulls (their mascot) all over everyone’s cars. The same afternoon, Liz gets a copy of Big Mesa’s newspaper in her Oracle inbox. There’s an article about how crappy Sweet Valley’s basketball team is.

A few days later, Liz is looking over The Oracle before it goes to the printer and notices the story she asked Caroline to write is a little weird. She wanted an article promoting the prom and asked Caroline to leave names out of it, including Liz’s. Caroline has written a piece of crap that makes it sound like the whole prom was Jessica’s idea. Liz is pissed, but decides to get over it. That night, Jessica says something about “when I go to Brazil,” and Liz gets angry again. She asks Jessica if it ever occurred to her that Liz might like to go to Brazil. Jessica says no, being prom queen isn’t really Liz’s thing. Liz gets all weird and asks how Jessica knows what her kind of thing is, as if Jessica hasn’t been living with her for sixteen years. They have a big argument. Afterward, Jessica goes to Sam’s to study and tells him how strange Liz has been acting. Sam makes her forget about it and they talk about maybe spending the night together after the prom.

There’s a big pep rally for all the sporting events that are coming up. Jessica outshines the rest of the cheerleaders and then makes a big speech about the prom. Liz knows it’s all part of her campaign to be voted queen.

Jessica and Lila are shopping at Lisette’s a few days later and talking about Liz. Lila tells Jessica to stop being so cocky about being voted queen because a lot of people think Liz is going to win. Jessica is all “Yeah, whatever.” She finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Just then, Liz and Enid come in. Liz finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Jessica and Liz come out of their fitting rooms at the same time wearing the same dress. Lila thinks it’s pretty funny.

Bruce goes to the marina to take his father’s boat out. He runs into Nicholas Morrow, who mentions Regina. Bruce doesn’t know how Nicholas can talk about her without getting upset. Bruce goes home that night, takes a picture of Regina out of his nightstand drawer and cries.

On Friday, Liz gets another delivery from Big Mesa. It’s another article from the Bull’s Eye, and this one is full of accusations that Sweet Valley cheated to win the track meet the day before. Todd convinces Liz not to retaliate and they go to lunch. In the cafeteria, Jessica is handing out buttons that say “Save the Rainforest—Come to the Jungle Prom,” and telling people she used her own money to have them made. Liz is outraged at Jessica’s campaigning. Liz, you’re allowed to campaign, too, if you want. Todd tries to tell her to calm down, and she gets even more angry.

On Monday morning, Lila is getting ready for school and wondering if she should go to the prom. She starts thinking about Nathan realizes he’s really cute, and Lila is grateful to him for helping her so much in counseling. She decides she’ll go to the prom even though she doesn’t have a date. Nathan will be chaperoning and she can just hang out with him. Lila goes into her counseling session that afternoon a new woman. She flirts with Nathan a little and tells him she’s back to her old self.

Jessica drags Amy, Robin and Lila to a prom committee meeting and pisses Liz off by acting like she wants to be involved. Before the meeting is over, she brings up the real reason she came to the meeting: she doesn’t think any Big Mesa kids should be allowed to come to the prom. The committee is split, so Liz arranges for the whole school to vote. She’s happy when the school votes against Jessica’s idea.

Later, Penny tells the twins that she was contacted by Sweet Sixteen magazine. They heard about the prom and want to do an interview with whoever came up with the idea. I’m so sure. Liz and Jessica are scheduled for an interview and photo shoot the next day. Jessica doesn’t show up and the Sweet Sixteen people are tired of waiting. Against her better judgment, Liz agrees to do the interview alone. When Jessica shows up forty-five minutes late and finds out they left without her, she’s convinced Liz set it all up somehow.

On Wednesday, Liz writes an editorial for The Oracle. It’s an attack on Big Mesa. Liz gets mad when Todd tells her she’s being mean. Friday night is the big basketball game against Big Mesa, and Liz says some mean things to Enid about Hugh not having the guts to show up and support his school. Damn, she’s crabby. Sweet Valley wins the game, and the Big Mesa kids hightail it out of there.

Finally, it’s prom night. Everyone lavishes Liz with praise and Jessica is mad that they’re all acting like Liz did all the work. When Sam points out that Liz actually did do all the work, Jessica stomps off and tells him to ask someone else to dance. He asks Liz. Todd is elected prom king, and in one hour, the queen will be announced. Jessica knows she needs to do something fast if she’s going to take Liz out of the running, which she’s even more determined to do when she sees Liz and Sam dancing together. A Big Mesa guy starts flirting with Jessica and she notices he’s drunk. She flirts back to get some of his alcohol and then pours a ton of it into Liz’s punch cup.

Drunk and happy, Liz tells Sam she doesn’t care about being queen. She yells to Andrea and Patty that she’s withdrawing her name so Jessica can win. Jessica does win, but as soon as the crown is on her head, she feels guilty.

Suddenly, twenty or thirty Big Mesa kids come in and start running through the gym, punching people on their way through to the football field. Bruce rounds up a bunch of guys to follow them. Jessica, suddenly worried about Liz, jumps off the stage to try to find her. She sees Liz and Sam wobbling out the door, but by the time she makes her way through the crowd and into the parking lot, Liz is in the driver’s seat of the Jeep. Before Jessica can get to them, Liz drives off. Jessica finds Todd and tells him they need to go after them.

Lila is stuck in the gym. No matter what exit she tries to use, there are people blocking her way. Finally, Nathan takes her arm and leads her out of the gymnasium. The hallway isn’t much better, so Nathan pulls her into an empty classroom. Once they’re alone, Lila has a flashback to John’s attack on her and she’s suddenly sure that Nathan was only pretending to be nice so he could get her alone and take advantage of her. She screams. The cops have made it to the school, and at the sound of Lila’s scream, they burst into the classroom. Lila says Nathan attacked her, and the cops haul him off.

There’s a massive brawl out on the football field and Bruce is right in the middle of it. A Big Mesa kid hits him with a bat and knocks him down. Just as the other guy is going to hit him again, a beautiful girl tells the guy to stop. She reaches out to help Bruce up, but he gets kicked in the head and blacks out.

Todd and Jessica hop in Todd’s car and go off in the direction Liz and Sam went. Jessica tells Todd that Liz and Sam are drunk, but says she doesn’t know where they got the alcohol. They see a crashed Jeep on the side of the road and pull over. There are cops on the scene already, and they say both the driver and passenger are dead.

To be continued…

Quotes:

In [Bruce’s] opinion, the only fun in dating was the sport of it. The more it was like a tennis match, where he had to wear down his opponent through expertise and sheer force of will, the better he liked it.

Jeez. What a freak.

The Cover: God, the twins are so ugly! Is it really possible that neither one of them did anything special with her hair for the biggest social event of the year?

The moral of the story: If you cheat on your boyfriend you’ll get stalked by a psycho.

The Big Deal: The Citizens’ Day Ball

Synopsis:

A. J. is going to Texas for the weekend with his family and Jessica is all upset about it because she doesn’t want to go to Ken Matthews’ party by herself. On the other hand, A. J. won some essay writing contest (Liz didn’t enter, otherwise I’m sure she would have won) and that means he and Jessica get to be king and queen at the Citizens’ Day Ball, whatever that is. After A. J. leaves, Jessica acts like a total bitch for two days. She goes to the beach on Friday after school with Cara, Amy and Lila, but she’s so miserable that they leave her there to go to the Dairi Burger. Jessica sits on the beach and feels sorry for herself until a surfer named Christopher asks her out. She doesn’t see any reason why she shouldn’t go with him, so she agrees to meet him in an hour.

Jessica has dinner with Christopher and has to keep pushing thoughts of A. J. out of her mind. After they eat, they go for a walk on the beach. Christopher tells her he’s never met anyone like her before and simply has to see her again. They make out and she agrees to spend the next day with him. Saturday is wonderful and Christopher gives her a bouquet of roses and buys her presents. On Sunday morning, she finally tells him she can’t see him anymore because she has a boyfriend. He says he understands and she goes home to meet A. J.

Chris starts calling all the time and being obnoxious. He even sends flowers to Jessica at school. At first he says he just wants to be friends, but by Thursday he’s turned angry and accusing. Jessica starts to see him wherever she goes and she’s sure he’s following her. Then he threatens to tell A. J. about their weekend together. On Sunday, Jessica is at A. J.’s house helping him wash his car because he’s expecting someone who wants to buy it. And guess who it is? Christopher shows up and pretends not to know Jessica. A. J. gets a phone call from someone else interested in the car and tells Christopher he can test drive the car with Jessica. Christopher drives really fast up the highway, then exits and pulls into a parking lot and threatens her some more. He says if she doesn’t agree to go out with him on Saturday night, he’ll tell A. J. about them. He starts driving fast across the parking lot toward the building and Jessica finally agrees to go out with him so he’ll stop the car.

Jessica finally tells Liz what’s going on and Liz says she needs to tell A. J. about Christopher so he’ll stop trying to blackmail her. Jessica says he’ll break up with her and then she won’t get to be queen at the Ball. Yes, that’s really what she says. She promises Liz she’ll tell him after the dance on Saturday. On Saturday, she tells Christopher she’s sick and can’t go out with him, and then seems to think that’s taken care of things. Jeffrey is dancing with Liz that night when Christopher shows up and cuts in. Liz decides the only way to save her sister is to pretend to be her and keep Christopher away from her. Chris wants to go for a walk and Liz reluctantly agrees.

Inside, Jeffrey tells Jessica he can’t find Liz since she went off with some guy, but the coronation is about to start and Jessica says she’ll help him look in a few minutes. Because being queen at some crappy dance is more important than your twin sister. Meanwhile, Christopher threatens Liz with a knife and shoves her into the trunk of his car. Inside, Jessica gets a flash of that twin’s intuition and suddenly runs outside, Jeffrey right behind her. She stops Chris from driving away and he does that thing they always do in these books where he wonders how she got out of the trunk he just put her in. Jeffrey attacks him and gives him a beating while Jessica lets Liz out of the trunk. Then, at Liz’s insistence, Jessica goes back inside to get crowned queen. She ends up breaking up with A. J. though because she realizes she just isn’t ready to go out with only one boy. He’s very sweet and understanding and still wants her to be his queen for the evening.

And that’s the story of how Jessica’s very first relationship ended.

Quotes:

“It’s hard to stay cool when a psycho’s after you.”

“He’s not a psycho, Jess.”

Well, he sure ain’t the poster boy for sanity, Liz.

The Cover: Jessica looks so goofy. She also looks like she’s wearing fake eyelashes.