Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: It’s totally okay to ruin someone’s life. Your love life is way more important.

The Big Deal: Barbecue party at the beach, bridal shower for Sue

Synopsis:

The last book ended with Jessica and Jeremy making out at an engagement party for Jeremy and Sue. This book starts with Liz finding them and telling them Alice wants to give a toast. The twins argue, and Liz is convinced Jessica has a love addiction and needs to be stopped. Both Steve and Enid tell her that trying to control Jessica is a stupid idea. Jessica and Jeremy keep sneaking around and Liz keeps trying to stop them. Liz’s self-help books tell her Jessica’s love addiction is a disease, so she’s sure there must be some way she can help.

One day, Sue gets some test results back and finds out she has the same rare blood disease that killed her mother. The doctors say she’s got two or three years to live. She tells Liz she wants to call off the wedding. Liz tells her to reconsider. Then she tells Jessica she has to stop seeing Jeremy because it’s wrong to “deceive a dying woman.” When Jessica finds out about Sue’s disease, she feels like she caused it somehow because “Jessica had thought in the past that she had psychic powers” and she wanted Sue out of the way so badly. When Sue tells Jeremy about her disease, he promises to stay with her until the end.

Todd finally gets back from his grandmother’s house and Liz is determined to tell him about Luke. Before she can tell him, Todd says he met a girl who lived next door to his grandmother. They had a fling, but it was really nothing; Liz is the only one he cares about. Liz gets angry and breaks up with him. Then she annoys Enid and Olivia with all her self-help mumbo jumbo. She tells them she ate too much cake from the engagement party and that’s a sign that she has no self control.

Meanwhile, Lila’s been dating Jeremy’s friend, Robby. Robby pretended to be rich so Lila would like him, but finally came clean. Now Lila is worried Robby only likes her for her money. She tells him a story about her parents being servants for the Fowler family. Robby gives her a passionate kiss and Lila worries her plan will backfire and Robby will actually like her better poor. In the end, she tells him the truth and is relieved when he says he loves her no matter how much money she has.

Now that Jeremy knows about Sue’s disease, he feels like he shouldn’t see Jessica anymore. Jessica isn’t giving up, though, and she starts tagging along on all of Jeremy and Sue’s dates. Liz, trying to keep Jessica from doing something stupid, also tags along. At a cookout on the beach, Jessica gets all emo and walks away. Sue, who is amazingly oblivious through this whole thing, gets worried and sends Jeremy after her. Jessica is just about to kiss him when Liz and Enid show up to drag them back to the party.

The night before the wedding, the twins have a shower for Sue. The girls start talking about Jeremy’s bachelor party and everyone except Sue wants to crash it. They all go over to Robby’s place and Liz seems disappointed that there are no strippers for her to disapprove of. Robby’s idea of a bachelor party was to cook a gourmet meal, so all the guys are grateful when the girls show up. Steve and Todd are there for some reason, and Steve tells Liz how sorry Todd is for his fling. Liz decides to stop being so obnoxious. She makes up with Todd and tells him about Luke. Then she decides to stop trying to control Jessica.

At the wedding, Jessica can’t stand it anymore. She shouts that Jeremy can’t marry Sue because he doesn’t really love her, he loves Jessica. Sue faints, the priest leads Jeremy away and everyone is pissed at Jessica.

Quotes:

“I’m slowly rediscovering myself and learning why I let myself lose control so it doesn’t happen again. And that’s why I think you should read this book about love addiction so you don’t lose control with Jeremy.”

Argh, shut up, Liz!

It was totally out of character for her to have done something like falling in love with another guy.

Right.

The Cover: Those dresses are hideous. All of them. Jeremy looks more evil than bastardly, like he’s planning to kill Sue after the ceremony. And Sue looks like this horrible girl I used to know, so I automatically hate her.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: I … I got nothing.

Synopsis:

The twins aren’t speaking to each other because Jessica thinks it’s Liz’s fault that everyone thinks her boyfriend is a murdering werewolf. They’re both out to find the truth, but neither wants the other to know what she’s doing. Jessica sneaks into the house of Dr. Neville, the first murder victim. She finds a file labeled “S., Annabelle.” The only thing in the file is a report that Annabelle died from pneumonia nine years ago. Jessica thinks it’s weird that there’s nothing else in the file and she puts it in her bag. She hears someone else in the house and crawls out the window just before Liz comes in. Liz decides to take the file on Robert Pembroke, then goes through the doctor’s Rolodex. She comes across a business card for Mildred Price, Robert’s childhood nanny, and is certain Robert is hiding out at her house. She starts to write down Mildred’s information, but then a noise scares her. She just takes the card and leaves just before the murderer comes in. The unnamed werewolf searches through Dr. Neville’s filing cabinet, goes into a rage about one of the twins having stolen something, and then sees Mildred Price’s name written down next to the Rolodex. He thinks, “Nanny Millie,” and leaves.

Liz goes back to the boardinghouse that night and gets all homesick for Sweet Valley. Then she thinks how lucky she is to have found Luke. She thinks about calling him and then realizes he never gave her his number. Liz looks at the necklace Luke gave her. There’s an “A” engraved on the back of the medallion and Liz wonders if “A” was Luke’s mother, who got him interested in werewolves. Pat, I think I’d like to solve the puzzle. Liz is convinced the medallion has kept her out of danger, but she thinks her twin needs it more than she does so she puts it in Jessica’s bag. Besides, she still has the silver bullet Luke gave her.

The next morning, Jessica wakes up late for work and rushes out the door. Halfway to the tube station, she realizes she’s forgotten her bag. She goes back for it, and when she gets to her room, it’s clear someone has been there. The door is open and Jessica’s bed is made. Jessica has no doubt that Robert has been there. I don’t know why.

When Liz gets to work, Luke asks her where her necklace is. Liz explains that she gave it to Jessica, and then asks about the inscription on the pendant. Luke says the necklace did indeed belong to his mother, Ann. Then Tony Frank, who was just promoted to the crime desk, says there’s been another murder. The victim is Mildred Price. Of course. Liz and Tony leave to investigate.

Then there’s another scene of the murderer tearing the twins’ room apart. He finds the file labeled “Robert Pembroke, Jr.” and the one labeled “S., Annabelle.” That’s great, but he knows one of the twins has a silver bullet. Unfortunately, no amount of vandalism will make it appear. The murderer leaves, figuring the twins have the bullet.

When the twins get home from work that night, they each say they’re missing a file and Liz says her silver bullet is missing. Later, Jessica is looking at the medallion she found in her bag and notices the engraving. She puts the initial together with the file she found and asks Liz where Luke got the medallion. Liz says he got it from his mother, Ann. Jessica thinks, “Ann, not Annabelle. So much for that brilliant idea.” Sigh.

The next morning, the twins find out Lord Pembroke Senior himself has been attacked. Jessica goes to see him at the hospital, and the man is all kinds of doped up. He sees Jessica’s necklace and says it looks like the one he gave Annabelle, the only woman he ever really loved. Then he says he wants Jessica to tell Robert he has a brother.

Liz decides it’s a good time to go snoop around Pembroke Manor some more while the Pembrokes are in the city. Tony Frank goes with her, and she shows him the secret werewolf room. They find a box full of letters from Annabelle. The letters tell them that Lord Pembroke and Annabelle were in love, but couldn’t marry because of their different classes. Annabelle had a baby at some point. Liz and Tony figure he could be anywhere from nine to nineteen years old. They wonder if Robert’s killing spree could somehow be a result of learning he has an illegitimate brother. When Liz tells Luke about Annabelle, he gets all intense and weird and tells her not to go where the werewolf can find her.

That night, the twins have another argument because Liz is a bitch and Jessica is a drama queen. Later, Liz is feeling sad and wants to talk to someone. She goes to Rene’s room and knocks on the door, but he doesn’t answer. She tries to open the door, but it’s locked. For some reason, this sends Liz into a rage and she’s all pissed off at Rene for never being there for her. (I think this is all part of a ploy to make us think Rene is the murderer. There have been a couple scenes in which he’s “acted strangely.” Anyway, Liz is a bitch.)

Jessica goes to Pembroke Green, the family’s city residence, and makes Lady Pembroke talk to her by saying she knows about Annabelle. So Lady Pembroke starts talking and says she hated her husband for having an affair, but also for sending money and resources, including Nanny Millie, to his bastard child. Jessica starts to think the other son must be the murderer. Then Lady Pembroke says, “Lucas is an evil name,” citing that as proof that the boy is no good. Jessica jumps to her feet, shouting that Luke is the killer. I’m surprised she didn’t think, “Oh, she said Lucas, not Luke.” Anyway, she runs out of the house to a telephone box (why didn’t she use the Pembrokes’ phone?) and calls the dorm and the Journal. Liz isn’t in either place. She calls Tony Frank and finds out Liz took Luke with her to check out Annabelle’s old house. He tells Jessica the street name, and Jessica hails a taxi.

Annabelle’s house is in the ghetto, as evidenced by the homeless man outside. There’s no power, so Luke goes to the basement to try to find a fuse box. While he’s doing that, Liz goes upstairs. She finds a bedroom and seems surprised to find someone lives in it. There are newspaper clippings all over the walls, and Liz is kind of horrified to discover they all have something to do with the Pembroke family. Then she opens a diary and reads a passage about the writer waking up on his father’s estate with ripped clothes and blood all over him. Then Liz looks up to see the werewolf in the doorway. She gets scared, but then realizes the wolfman is wearing Luke’s clothes. Liz laughs and tells Luke to take off that horrible mask. He tells her it’s not a mask and Liz gets scared again because her boyfriend is clearly a psychopath.

Luke does an evil villain speech about how he and his mother were denied awesome Pembroke-ish things, and explains that when Annabelle died, Luke vowed to get back at everyone. When he’s done talking, he lunges for Liz, but just then the homeless guy from outside comes in and points a gun at Luke. Liz is relieved to see the homeless guy is really Robert in disguise. Robert says he has the silver bullet. Then Rene and Sergeant Bumpo come in. There’s a scuffle, and Luke gets shot. His mask slips off and he tells Liz they got the werewolf. Then he dies.

In conclusion:

• Luke was a psychotic wannabe werewolf who actually had no idea he was murdering people and framing his brother during his blackouts.
• Robert disguised himself as a homeless man so he could watch over Jessica.
• Rene has been following Liz around to keep an eye on her, which explains his strange behavior.
• Lord Pembroke recovers and turns ownership of the newspaper over to Robert.
• Lucy Friday and Tony Frank get married.

Quotes:

Jessica had a feeling this fight wasn’t going to blow over. It was the worst one ever.

Even worse than that time you got Liz drunk and she killed your boyfriend? Must be pretty bad.

The Cover: Stop wearing those stupid fucking trenchcoats!

And now, fair readers, I need a break. I think I’ll take next week off, at least some of it. I need to get my head on straight again after the ridiculousness of these last few books.

This is where the whole thing goes sideways, folks. Get ready.

The moral of the story: Prom is just not worth it.

The Big Deal: Party at the beach, horrible Jungle Prom

Synopsis:

At a totally awesome beach party, Bruce dares Jessica to swim out to the buoy. Liz begs Jessica not to do it, but Jessica laughs and jumps in the water (after stripping down to her bikini “striptease-style”). Liz runs around freaking out, telling Todd, Sam and Enid that Jessica’s in the water. Everyone tells Liz to chill, but she can’t. Jessica comes back to shore and Liz is all, “Jessica! You’re all right!” Jessica laughs and says of course she’s all right. Liz gets upset and decides she’s not going to worry about Jessica anymore; Liz is only going to worry about herself from now on.

Lila is having a terrible time with her date, Tony Alimenti. He’s a nice guy, but Lila isn’t ready for dating yet and only agreed to come to the party because Jessica and Amy wouldn’t leave her alone. Lila watches her friends dancing and wonders if they’re ever scared that their boyfriends will overpower them. Then Tony tries to put his arm around her and she jumps.

Meanwhile, Bruce is making out with Andrea Slade. He knows Andrea likes him a lot, but he’s just not interested because she doesn’t present a challenge. She tries to get him to commit to a picnic next weekend, but Bruce is an ass and tells her he doesn’t do commitment and if she doesn’t like it she can take a hike.

A ton of kids run onto the beach wearing Big Mesa’s school colors. They knock over the food table, spray shaving cream on everything and pick up the girls and carry them for a few feet and then drop them in the sand (Lila screams at the top of her lungs). The whole thing only lasts five minutes, but the mess is horrible. Sweet Valley wants revenge.

At the Dairi Burger afterward, the twins argue over whether or not Sweet Valley should retaliate while Bruce and some other former Club X members are in the parking lot discussing how they can get revenge on Big Mesa. Tony takes Lila home and she freaks out when he tries to kiss her goodnight. Liz and Todd go to Miller’s Point and talk. They decide everyone will calm down and nothing else will come of the raid on the beach.

While getting ready for the beach party, the twins came up with an awesome idea for a jungle themed school dance. At school on Tuesday, Liz tells her friends she’s gotten the go ahead from Principal Cooper on the Jungle Prom. They talk about whether or not there should be a king and queen, and Liz wonders if she should go for it. Later, Todd convinces her she would be a great queen. After school, Jessica goes out with her friends and declares that she intends to be prom queen.

Jungle Queen

Lila has a session that afternoon with Nathan Pritchard, her counselor. She’s really upset about Saturday night and tells Nathan what happened with Tony. Nathan does his best to convince her that maybe Tony wasn’t trying to hurt her and that Lila’s just oversensitive right now. Lila concedes that he’s probably right and says she doesn’t want to be scared of every boy in the world.

Environmental Alert, the organization Liz found to fund the prom, calls Liz and says they’ve put together a prize package for whoever is elected prom queen. The queen will win a trip to Brazil and the opportunity to be an honorary spokesperson for Environmental Alert. Liz runs out to the pool to tell Jessica and Lila the news. When she goes back inside, Jessica starts gushing to Lila about how awesome it will be when she’s prom queen. Lila pretends to fall asleep so Jessica will shut up. A few minutes later, Alice comes home. Lila watches Alice and Jessica talk to each other. She wishes she had a mother to talk to. Damn, Lila makes me so sad in this book.

Jessica misses a meeting of the prom committee, so Liz goes ahead without her. The committee decides on formal dress for the prom, which Liz knows is going to upset Jessica, who wanted everyone to dress all Tarzan and Jane. When Liz tells everyone about the prize package for the queen, everyone on the committee tells her she’s the logical choice. Jessica is pissed that Liz let the committee vote on the dress code issue without her, but doesn’t mind when she realizes that if it weren’t for Liz, Jessica wouldn’t be going to Brazil. She’s sure she doesn’t have any competition for the title of queen.

Andrea finds Bruce after school on Friday and asks him what he’s doing the next day. Bruce says something rude and is sure she’ll tell him off, but she just looks sad and tells him to call her sometime. Bruce thinks it’s kind of fun to string her along and see how much abuse she’ll take. He goes outside to the parking lot to find that his car, along with everyone else’s, is a mess. The damned Big Mesa jerks have come back with their shaving cream and they’ve drawn bulls (their mascot) all over everyone’s cars. The same afternoon, Liz gets a copy of Big Mesa’s newspaper in her Oracle inbox. There’s an article about how crappy Sweet Valley’s basketball team is.

A few days later, Liz is looking over The Oracle before it goes to the printer and notices the story she asked Caroline to write is a little weird. She wanted an article promoting the prom and asked Caroline to leave names out of it, including Liz’s. Caroline has written a piece of crap that makes it sound like the whole prom was Jessica’s idea. Liz is pissed, but decides to get over it. That night, Jessica says something about “when I go to Brazil,” and Liz gets angry again. She asks Jessica if it ever occurred to her that Liz might like to go to Brazil. Jessica says no, being prom queen isn’t really Liz’s thing. Liz gets all weird and asks how Jessica knows what her kind of thing is, as if Jessica hasn’t been living with her for sixteen years. They have a big argument. Afterward, Jessica goes to Sam’s to study and tells him how strange Liz has been acting. Sam makes her forget about it and they talk about maybe spending the night together after the prom.

There’s a big pep rally for all the sporting events that are coming up. Jessica outshines the rest of the cheerleaders and then makes a big speech about the prom. Liz knows it’s all part of her campaign to be voted queen.

Jessica and Lila are shopping at Lisette’s a few days later and talking about Liz. Lila tells Jessica to stop being so cocky about being voted queen because a lot of people think Liz is going to win. Jessica is all “Yeah, whatever.” She finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Just then, Liz and Enid come in. Liz finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Jessica and Liz come out of their fitting rooms at the same time wearing the same dress. Lila thinks it’s pretty funny.

Bruce goes to the marina to take his father’s boat out. He runs into Nicholas Morrow, who mentions Regina. Bruce doesn’t know how Nicholas can talk about her without getting upset. Bruce goes home that night, takes a picture of Regina out of his nightstand drawer and cries.

On Friday, Liz gets another delivery from Big Mesa. It’s another article from the Bull’s Eye, and this one is full of accusations that Sweet Valley cheated to win the track meet the day before. Todd convinces Liz not to retaliate and they go to lunch. In the cafeteria, Jessica is handing out buttons that say “Save the Rainforest—Come to the Jungle Prom,” and telling people she used her own money to have them made. Liz is outraged at Jessica’s campaigning. Liz, you’re allowed to campaign, too, if you want. Todd tries to tell her to calm down, and she gets even more angry.

On Monday morning, Lila is getting ready for school and wondering if she should go to the prom. She starts thinking about Nathan realizes he’s really cute, and Lila is grateful to him for helping her so much in counseling. She decides she’ll go to the prom even though she doesn’t have a date. Nathan will be chaperoning and she can just hang out with him. Lila goes into her counseling session that afternoon a new woman. She flirts with Nathan a little and tells him she’s back to her old self.

Jessica drags Amy, Robin and Lila to a prom committee meeting and pisses Liz off by acting like she wants to be involved. Before the meeting is over, she brings up the real reason she came to the meeting: she doesn’t think any Big Mesa kids should be allowed to come to the prom. The committee is split, so Liz arranges for the whole school to vote. She’s happy when the school votes against Jessica’s idea.

Later, Penny tells the twins that she was contacted by Sweet Sixteen magazine. They heard about the prom and want to do an interview with whoever came up with the idea. I’m so sure. Liz and Jessica are scheduled for an interview and photo shoot the next day. Jessica doesn’t show up and the Sweet Sixteen people are tired of waiting. Against her better judgment, Liz agrees to do the interview alone. When Jessica shows up forty-five minutes late and finds out they left without her, she’s convinced Liz set it all up somehow.

On Wednesday, Liz writes an editorial for The Oracle. It’s an attack on Big Mesa. Liz gets mad when Todd tells her she’s being mean. Friday night is the big basketball game against Big Mesa, and Liz says some mean things to Enid about Hugh not having the guts to show up and support his school. Damn, she’s crabby. Sweet Valley wins the game, and the Big Mesa kids hightail it out of there.

Finally, it’s prom night. Everyone lavishes Liz with praise and Jessica is mad that they’re all acting like Liz did all the work. When Sam points out that Liz actually did do all the work, Jessica stomps off and tells him to ask someone else to dance. He asks Liz. Todd is elected prom king, and in one hour, the queen will be announced. Jessica knows she needs to do something fast if she’s going to take Liz out of the running, which she’s even more determined to do when she sees Liz and Sam dancing together. A Big Mesa guy starts flirting with Jessica and she notices he’s drunk. She flirts back to get some of his alcohol and then pours a ton of it into Liz’s punch cup.

Drunk and happy, Liz tells Sam she doesn’t care about being queen. She yells to Andrea and Patty that she’s withdrawing her name so Jessica can win. Jessica does win, but as soon as the crown is on her head, she feels guilty.

Suddenly, twenty or thirty Big Mesa kids come in and start running through the gym, punching people on their way through to the football field. Bruce rounds up a bunch of guys to follow them. Jessica, suddenly worried about Liz, jumps off the stage to try to find her. She sees Liz and Sam wobbling out the door, but by the time she makes her way through the crowd and into the parking lot, Liz is in the driver’s seat of the Jeep. Before Jessica can get to them, Liz drives off. Jessica finds Todd and tells him they need to go after them.

Lila is stuck in the gym. No matter what exit she tries to use, there are people blocking her way. Finally, Nathan takes her arm and leads her out of the gymnasium. The hallway isn’t much better, so Nathan pulls her into an empty classroom. Once they’re alone, Lila has a flashback to John’s attack on her and she’s suddenly sure that Nathan was only pretending to be nice so he could get her alone and take advantage of her. She screams. The cops have made it to the school, and at the sound of Lila’s scream, they burst into the classroom. Lila says Nathan attacked her, and the cops haul him off.

There’s a massive brawl out on the football field and Bruce is right in the middle of it. A Big Mesa kid hits him with a bat and knocks him down. Just as the other guy is going to hit him again, a beautiful girl tells the guy to stop. She reaches out to help Bruce up, but he gets kicked in the head and blacks out.

Todd and Jessica hop in Todd’s car and go off in the direction Liz and Sam went. Jessica tells Todd that Liz and Sam are drunk, but says she doesn’t know where they got the alcohol. They see a crashed Jeep on the side of the road and pull over. There are cops on the scene already, and they say both the driver and passenger are dead.

To be continued…

Quotes:

In [Bruce’s] opinion, the only fun in dating was the sport of it. The more it was like a tennis match, where he had to wear down his opponent through expertise and sheer force of will, the better he liked it.

Jeez. What a freak.

The Cover: God, the twins are so ugly! Is it really possible that neither one of them did anything special with her hair for the biggest social event of the year?

The moral of the story: You can only have one hobby. If you have more than one, you won’t do any of them well and that is just unacceptable.

The Big Deal: Television interview with Eric Parker

Synopsis:

Eric Parker is a talk show host and he’s coming to Sweet Valley, where one lucky All American teenager will win the chance to be interviewed on his show. So, obviously, Lila and Jessica are both determined to win. I wonder what questions Eric would ask Jessica? “So, are you really blond? Do you really go to high school? Boy, you sure are an American teenager!” How exciting. Liz, naturally, doesn’t see what all the fuss is about. Amy Sutton is too cool to apply for the contest because a.) her mom is a television personality so Eric Parker just isn’t all that exciting to her and b.) she doesn’t think Eric Parker is anywhere near as hot as Tom McKay, who she’s decided to steal from Jean West. When Jessica starts filling out her application, she realizes her list of interests makes her look shallow. Really? I never would have noticed. She decides to come up with some new interests. Liz tells her Penny is looking for a guest columnist for The Oracle, so Jessica decides to write a humorous article entitled, “The Worst Dates of My Life.” Liz thinks it’s hilarious, but convinces Jessica to change the names of the Sweet Valley boys. When Jessica gives her revised article to Penny, Liz gets all sad and dejected when Penny declares the article “perfect as it is.” Penny’s never said that about one of Liz’s articles. Ha. So now Liz thinks she’s a crappy writer and that she settled on a career path too soon. She decides to go with Enid to see about being a junior ranger at Secca Lake. Oh, just let your sister be good at something that doesn’t involve being trampy for once.

On the day Sweet Valley High is supposed to find out who won the contest, Mr. Cooper instead announces that Eric Parker couldn’t decide who he liked best so he’s chosen six finalists. They are Jessica, Lila, Olivia, Winston, Patty Gilbert and Jim Roberts. Suddenly, Lila and Jessica are mortal enemies, both determined to win. Each finalist will have a fifteen minute one-on-one interview with Eric. Lila draws the first slot. When she gets to the school’s conference room, she sees a secretary putting up a note saying the interviews have been moved to the auditorium. Lila’s interview goes splendidly, and then she hangs out in the room across from the conference room. Jessica has drawn the last slot, so after Olivia, who has the fifth slot, sees the note and hurries off to the auditorium, Lila takes the note down and leaves the school. Jessica gets to the conference room and has no idea where Eric Parker is. Then Olivia passes her in the hall and tells her to get down to the auditorium. Jessica goes and has a great interview with Eric, telling him all about being a twin and managing to mention that Lila is a millionaire, something Lila herself failed to include on her application. Jessica wins the TV spot and Lila is named the alternate. So now Lila is determined that Jessica won’t be able to make it so she’ll be able to take her place.

Liz is loving her junior ranger job, but Don, the guy in charge, asks her to be his assistant and she’s worried about giving up so much of her free time. She’s already had to turn down an assignment for The Oracle. She decides to do it, though, when she remembers the way Penny gushed about Jessica’s article. Oh, shut up and quit your bitching. Other people are allowed to have talents, you know. Speaking of Jessica’s article, when it finally gets published, everyone loves it, especially the part about Bruce Patman (Jessica changed his name to Reginald Rich, but everyone knows who she’s talking about) kissing like a dead jellyfish. So now Lila and Bruce are both out for revenge. They decide to join forces and come up with a plan to keep Jessica off Eric Parker’s show.

Liz is tired all the time now that she’s a junior ranger leading tours around the lake. She comes home from work one day to make dinner, but then Don calls and says one of the rangers has canceled. Liz goes back to the park and leads tours until nine, then comes home too exhausted to do her homework. Then Jessica wants Liz to help her prepare for her interview. Liz says she can’t, but gives in when Jessica frowns. They spend twenty minutes doing a fake interview, and Liz remembers how much she loves doing this sort of thing. Lately, she hasn’t gotten much joy out of writing, but interviewing Jessica has reminded her how much she loves being a journalist. But she also loves being a park ranger! How will she ever choose?

The day before Jessica’s interview with Eric, Lila calls and apologizes for being so bratty. Then she offers to take Jessica shopping the following afternoon to help her find something amazing to wear for the interview. Don’t trust her, Jessica! It’s all a big trick! Lila takes Jessica to a shop about an hour away from Sweet Valley. She finds the cutest outfit ever and hands it to Jessica to try on. Jessica hands Lila her purse before going into the fitting room. Stupid. She comes out to show Lila, but Lila isn’t around. Then Jessica looks out the window and sees her driving away. She starts to run after her, and the women behind the counter accuse her of trying to shoplift (she ran outside still wearing the outfit she was trying on) and they call the police. Jessica thinks that’s extreme, but she doesn’t know that Bruce had called the store earlier pretending to be a police detective searching for a shoplifter fitting Jessica’s description. When Lila gets back to Sweet Valley, she meets Bruce at his house. They’re so happy their plan worked that they share a kiss, and then immediately back away from each other.

The police keep Jessica until after six o’clock, and she’s supposed to be at the school at seven for her interview. They finally figure out that it was someone playing a trick on her and let her go. She calls Liz and tells her what happened. Liz gets all crazed and tells her there’s no way Lila is taking Jessica’s place on Eric Parker’s show. She tells Jessica to just get to the school as soon as she can. Liz does the interview as Jessica, and afterward, she meets Jessica in the bathroom, where they trade clothes so that Jessica can bask in the glory of a great interview. Then Lila and Bruce have a very public argument about Bruce’s phone call to the store not working. Lila tells him he really does kiss like a jellyfish. Gross.

In the end, Liz decides to quit the junior ranger thing and concentrate on writing. Amy and Cara force Lila and Jessica to make up. There’s a new girl at school named Andrea Slade. Jessica likes her style.

Quotes:

Jessica followed Amy’s gaze, which had zeroed in on a blond, clean-cut boy sitting a few tables away from them. “Tom McKay, from the tennis team?”

Jessica, don’t act like you haven’t gone out with Tom enough times to know who he is without a modifier like “from the tennis team.”

The Cover: I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jessica look uglier. Those shoulder pads, those bangs, that smile. Oh, it’s awful. She looks like she just woke up.

The moral of the story: If your whole family is fighting, they’ll probably all make up if you run away from home.

The Big Deal: Costume party

Synopsis:

Before we were so rudely interrupted by Bruce’s sad excuse for a story, Ned and Alice Wakefield were in the middle of splitting up and Jessica was spending all her free time talking to a guy named Charlie, who she met on a teen party line. Ned had just decided to run for mayor of Sweet Valley. This book opens with Ned moving out of the Wakefields’ lovely split-level home and into a crappy apartment that makes Liz want to cry. Liz wants to cry a lot of the time, actually, because she’s determined to blame herself for her parents’ breakup.

Alice gets the phone bill and Jessica has to tell her it’s so high because of the party line she’s been calling. Alice tells her she’s suspending Jessica’s allowance and making her get a part-time job to pay off the bill. Jessica thinks that’s unfair, so she complains to daddy and he offers to talk to Alice about softening the punishment. At school, Amy and Lila are hounding Jessica about Charlie and making fun of her for having a boyfriend she’s never even met, so Jessica tells them she and Charlie are going roller-skating on Saturday. This is a great big lie, and Jessica decides that she’ll have to convince Charlie to go roller-skating with her, and if he comes up with another excuse not to meet her, she’ll tell him it’s all over between them. Luckily (I guess) for Charlie, he agrees to meet her at three o’clock on Saturday at the roller rink, and he’ll be carrying a red rose.

Liz does poorly on an English paper and wants to tell Mr. Collins what’s going on, but doesn’t feel like talking about it. Then she goes for a bike ride and ends up staring at her father’s apartment building for twenty minutes. When she gets home, there are two messages from Todd on the answering machine. Liz forgot she was supposed to go shopping with him to help him pick out a birthday present for his mother. Liz apologizes and says she wants to stay home with her mom. Todd tells her to remember he needs some attention sometimes, too. What an incredible jackass. So now Liz is feeling guilty about that. After school on Friday, Todd tells Liz he got tickets to some show and wants to take her out that night. She tells him she wants to be with her mother and he gets all disappointed and tells her it seems like she doesn’t want to be around him anymore. She kind of says, “Yeah, you’re right.” She breaks up with him because she’s so disillusioned about relationships and she’s sure she and Todd would break up sooner or later anyway. She’s also feeling like such a screw-up lately that she figures Todd is better off without her.

Ned calls for Alice and they have a fight about Jessica, then Alice yells at Jessica for going behind her back to Ned. A few days later, Jessica asks Lila if she can borrow some money to buy a new outfit for her date with Charlie. Lila says no, but tells Jessica how to play her father for money and gifts now that he’s probably feeling all guilty about the separation. So daddy buys her a suede vest and “western-looking” jeans and she goes off to the roller rink. Amy tags along just to make sure Charlie is real. There’s a guy with a red rose who introduces himself as Charlie, but Jessica thinks his voice is different than it sounds on the phone, and he acts all stiff and weird. Then Charlie calls her later that night to tell her what a great time he had and Jessica assumes he’s just bad at first dates. They have dinner on Wednesday, and Jessica tells him afterward that she doesn’t want to see him again, though she’d still like to be friends and talk to him on the phone. One day, she calls the party line again and talks to one of her phone friends, Sara. Sara tells Jessica that the guy she met wasn’t really Charlie. The real Charlie doesn’t think he’s good-looking enough for Jessica, so he got a friend of his to pretend to be him.

After a conversation with Jessica, Liz decides breaking up with Todd was a good idea, and she’s going to play the field from now on. She goes to school on Monday wearing one of Jessica’s miniskirts and by lunchtime she has a date with Paul Jeffries, who is apparently a womanizer, at least according to Enid. On Tuesday, she goes out with a different guy. Jessica starts to get annoyed that Liz is getting so much attention from the guys at school. She picks a fight with her after school one day and Steve gets involved. The whole thing escalates until Jessica says their parents’ breakup is all Liz’s fault because Liz gave Alice’s assistant the phone number at their cabin in Tahoe.

Liz tells Enid she’s going to run away from home. She figures either her grandparents in Michigan or her aunt and uncle in Texas will take her in. Enid tells her she’s crazy and offers to let her stay at her house. Liz agrees and writes a letter explaining that she’s staying with “a friend.” She and Enid deliver the letters to Ned and Alice. When Ned gets his, he goes to the Wakefields’ house and everyone is all frantic about where Liz could be. Enid’s phone is busy all night and nobody else has seen her. The next morning, Liz feels much better after a whole night of relaxation. She puts Enid’s phone back on the hook and waits for her mom to call. Alice comes to pick her up and the whole family sits down to talk. Liz finally gets it through her thick skull that she’s not to blame for her parents’ breakup.

Things are almost back to normal, or at least on their way to normal (I can’t tell if Ned’s moved back home or not), but Jessica wants Liz and Todd to get back together. She enlists Steve to help her. On Sunday afternoon, Jessica gets a look at what Liz is wearing and then dresses the same way. She calls Todd and tells him to meet her at Secca Lake to talk. At the lake, she tells him she wants to get back together. He says he loves her and wants that, too. Liz hears the whole thing because Steve made her take a walk with him to a spot where they could eavesdrop. Jessica pretends she needs something from her car and gets up, letting Liz take over from there.

There’s a costume party at school and Jessica is all pissed that she doesn’t have a date. She knows Amy doesn’t have a date, either, so she decides that she’ll take Fake Charlie and Amy can take Real Charlie to the party. She calls Charlie up and tells him she knows the truth and somehow manages to convince him to go to the party. Brook (Fake Charlie) is as boring as ever and is dressed as a golfer. Charlie is a pirate, Jessica is an “intergalactic princess,” and Amy is a cheerleader. That’s right, she just wears her cheerleading uniform. Jessica expects Charlie and Brook to be fighting over her all night, but it doesn’t happen and it makes her furious. (Setup for the next book:) She decides she’s going to help her father win the race for mayor so all her “friends” will be jealous when she’s the daughter of such an important person.

Quotes:

“But I need your help choosing a birthday present for my mom, remember? What am I going to do now? Her birthday’s tomorrow!”

Hey, Todd, how about you shop for your mother yourself? Jackass.

“Why should this time be any different from usual? I’m impulsive and Steven’s stubborn and only Elizabeth is perfectly reasonable.” She glared at her sister. “Why don’t you stop and listen to yourself for once? You sound so self-satisfied!”

Tell her, Jess!

True, he wasn’t classically handsome. He had a bumpy nose, he was a little too thin, and his eyes were spaced too close together, but there was something very appealing about him.

Jeez, I’d hate to see know what Jessica would think of real people who live outside Sweet Valley.

The Cover: I love the tagline. “Elizabeth is running away!” Yeah, she spends the night at Enid’s house. Hardly the dramatic act I was envisioning. This cover ranks right up there with Jessica’s runaway cover.

The moral of the story: If you want a boy to like you, you have to have the same hobbies as him.

The Big Deal: Surfing competition

Synopsis:

Liz is tired of being all boring and predictable all the time. She decides to learn to surf. She sees a sign for cheap lessons being given at Moon Beach in Big Mesa, so she goes up there to check it out. She meets a guy named Sean who has just made a bet with his friends that he can turn the next person who walks through the door into a champion surfer who will win the competition next month. So Liz gets free lessons. A girl named Laurie is also hanging around the clubhouse and she’s intimidated by the lovely Liz. She and Sean have known each other forever, but they just recently had their first real date. Laurie decides to learn to surf herself and show Sean that she’s “more than just the girl next door.” Liz asks Laurie if she and Sean are a couple and Laurie tells her they “sort of” are. Liz is relieved to hear it because Sean’s been flirting with her and she thinks that since he has a girlfriend, the flirting doesn’t mean anything. As worried as she is about him liking her, though, she fails to tell him about Todd.

When Liz is halfway through her month of lessons, Sean gives her a surfboard charm bracelet thing and then tries to kiss her. She pushes him away and asks about Laurie. He says there’s nothing romantic between him and Laurie and that he’s never liked anyone the way he likes Liz. Liz finally tells him about Todd and Sean is really cool about the whole thing. Meanwhile, Laurie is outside and she overhears Sean saying he’s not interested in her. This makes her even more determined to become a good surfer.

Liz wants the whole surfing thing to be a surprise so she hasn’t told anyone what she’s been doing. She makes up a story about doing marine biology research three times a week at Moon Beach for extra credit. Todd gets all jealous that Liz is spending so much time away from him. Oh, I hate Todd. One of Liz’s lessons gets canceled because of the rain, so she invites Todd over to play Scrabble. She’s a little distracted because she’s thinking of surfing. Todd totally blows up at her because she’s not hanging on his every word. Seriously, Team Jeffrey. I hate this guy. Liz caters to his tantrum and says they’ll both feel better if they go to the Dairi Burger.

At her lesson the next day, Sean isn’t sure Liz should try surfing because the waves are really rough. Liz is determined to try it, though, so she gets out there and immediately gets knocked off her board. She gets a big lungful of water and blacks out. Sean gives her CPR and she wakes up and starts crying. She and Sean hug for a long time and then he asks her to dinner. This guy just doesn’t give up. She says she has a date with Todd, so Sean offers to drive her home. When she gets home, Todd is waiting inside. He’s all pissed off that she’s late and tells her he can’t take her to dinner that night because he has an extra credit project to do. Then he walks out and slams the door in her face. Oh, I really, really hate him. I still can’t believe she broke up with Jeffrey for this assclown.

Just before the surfing competition starts, Liz overhears Laurie talking to her friend about Sean. Laurie is worried because she really wants to impress Sean by winning, but Liz is such a good surfer. Liz decides the best thing to do is wipeout on purpose so Laurie will win the competition. After her wipeout, Sean is all disappointed, but then Laurie’s name is called. She wins the contest and Sean scoops her up in a big hug. Meanwhile, all the Sweet Valley kids Liz convinced to show up for her “marine biology presentation” are shaking her hand and congratulating her, though they’re all laughing at how funny she looked wiping out. Only Bill Chase could tell she messed up on purpose and he asks her why. She tells him it was all for romance as she gazes at Sean and Laurie. How sweet.

The subplot is pretty awesome. Caroline Pearce has somehow found out about Jessica’s recent dating debacles as Magenta Galaxy and Daniella Fromage. She’s been spreading the story all over school. Jessica is humiliated and out for revenge. Liz is disappointed that Caroline has gone back to gossiping. Jessica decides that harassing Caroline at the Unique Boutique where she works is the best way to get back at her. Of course, it ends up blowing up in her face one day. Caroline steals Jessica’s clothes while Jessica’s in the fitting room and then quits her job and walks out, leaving Jessica in her underwear. Ha!

Setup for the next book: Liz and Steven go to the Unique Boutique. The sales girl looks exactly like Tricia Martin. Steve breaks a date with Cara and calls the store to ask this chick out. Dammit, this again?

Quotes:

“Imagine a world full of Elizabeth Wakefields,” Lila said. “Could you imagine a duller, more predictable place? I think I’d go crazy.”

Me, too, Lila. Me, too.

The Cover: I used to have that exact same swimsuit! Of course, I was nine years old at the time. I’m totally serious. Mine was orange instead of pink.

The moral of the story: Southern boys don’t like aggressive girls, so if you wanna get the guy from Atlanta, you have to act shy and quiet.

The Big Deal: Party for Olivia’s literary magazine being finished

Synopsis:

Amy Sutton has decided Sweet Valley High needs slam books. They were all the rage at her school in Connecticut, and she thinks it’s high time Sweet Valley got with the program. She explains the concept to everyone at lunch, and everyone is all, “Yeah! I’m gonna go get my notebook right now!” But then Liz is all, “But guys, won’t someone get hurt?” and everyone boos her away from the table. Amy tells her not to worry because it’s all in good fun.

A. J. Morgan is the new guy at school and he’s the most gorgeous guy Jessica has ever seen. She’s actually flustered when she talks to him, blushing and everything. When everyone’s slam books list her as Biggest Flirt, she can’t believe it and doesn’t want A. J. to think of her that way. She decides she’s not going to be flirtatious anymore. She, Cara and Lila run into A. J. and Jessica gets all tongue-tied and doesn’t speak to him. Cara and Lila think it’s all part of her new “Not a Flirt” personality.

Olivia and Roger are having problems and they end up breaking up. Olivia and Jeffrey have been working together on a new literary magazine at school. Jeffrey’s going to do a photographic essay and take a bunch of pictures of a girl in transition from sadness to happiness. He wanted to use Liz as his model, but her face is too sunny and happy for the early shots. He thinks Olivia might work. Liz agrees with him. Then Jeffrey and Olivia start showing up in everyone’s slam books as Couple of the Future. Liz doesn’t mind until Jessica convinces her to be worried about it.

Jessica is actually really cute around A. J. She’s all uncoordinated and can’t stop blushing. At a basketball game, she screws up all the cheers and the pyramid because she can’t stop looking at A. J. Everyone is at the Dairi Burger after the game and Amy has her trusty slam book. She’s showing it to the guys and the newest entry under Couples of the Future is A. J. and Elizabeth. Jessica is horrified.

The next day, Jeffrey calls Liz and says he won’t be able to pick her up for the beach until two because he’s taking pictures of Olivia for the thing. Liz tries to keep calm, but then Cara comes over and tells her she saw Olivia with her arms around Jeffrey. Liz is pissed. She doesn’t want to be alone, so she goes to the beach with Cara and Jessica. Lila tells Liz to talk to Jeffrey and even offers to talk to him for her, but Liz isn’t having it. She just gives up and decides the relationship is over.

Liz sees A. J. playing volleyball down the beach and decides it would be fun to flirt with him to keep her mind off Jeffrey. Acting like she just woke up from a motorcycle accident-induced coma, Liz goes up to A. J. and gets to flirtin’. Everyone is looking at her like she’s nuts, except Jessica, who’s looking at her like she’s going to kill her. Jeffrey and Olivia get to the beach just as Liz is walking back to her towel. They apologize for taking so long, but Liz isn’t interested and says A. J. is about to teach her how to windsurf. She stalks off toward him and Jeffrey is upset. The girls tell him why Liz is so mad and he explains that Olivia had something in her eye and he was trying to help her and that must be what made Cara think they were making out. Lila says she’ll fix everything and even tells Jeffrey that if Liz doesn’t come crawling back in five minutes, she’ll take him out to an expensive restaurant. They all watch her try to talk to Liz, who just shakes her head and goes back to A. J. Lila is decidedly smirky when she tells Jeffrey they’ll have a strategy session over dinner that night.

Olivia goes to the Wakefields’ to talk to Liz about what happened, but only Jessica is home. Liz is out with A. J. Olivia tells Jessica she wants to find out who started pairing her with Jeffrey in the slam books. She thinks that person is the one responsible for the break up. Olivia and Jessica wrack their brains but can’t think of who would want to break them up. Uh, how about the person having dinner with Jeffrey right this very second?

A. J., who likes shy girls “like the ones back home in Atlanta,” has kind of gotten sick of Liz and her flirting. In fact, Jessica seems to be the only girl around who isn’t aggressively flirtatious. He tells her he wants to go out with her and she’s all happy about it, even though she knows she’s nothing like he thinks she is. What kind of jackass goes out with one twin and then just goes after the other?

Olivia and Jessica see Lila and Jeffrey together at school and figure out she’s probably the one who orchestrated this whole thing. But they want to be sure, so Jessica decides she’ll pretend to be Elizabeth the next day and collect everyone’s slam books and say she’s going to do a thing for “Eyes and Ears.” Because nothing’s better than a good old-fashioned and unnecessary twin switch. They find that Lila’s slam book is the only one that doesn’t have Olivia and Jeffrey listed as Couple of the Future. They bring their findings to Liz, who feels like a jerk and apologizes to Olivia for being so upset with her. Then she makes up with Jeffrey and everyone is friends again. The book drags on for a bit more while Mr. Collins throws a party to celebrate Olivia’s literary magazine being finished. A. J. and Jessica come to the party together and Jessica pretends to be interested in literature. Then Olivia and Liz make a new category in everyone’s slam books for Class Sneak. They write Lila’s name in every book as revenge for all the misery she caused over the last week. Sweet.

Quotes:

Elizabeth finished the juice with a slurp.

Seriously? Why do I need sentences like this in my life? Ugh.

“I can hardly sit down and say, ‘OK, Jeffrey, tell me why Cara happened to see you with your arms around Olivia today.’”

Why not?

The Cover: Wow, nice sweater, Jess! I don’t know who that ugly chick is writing in the notebook. I guess it could be Amy, but I thought Amy was way prettier than that.

And then, after all that, there’s this:

The moral of the story: Don’t baby-talk your boyfriend in front of Elizabeth Wakefield.

The Big Deal: Jessica’s Tofu-Glo party

Synopsis:

Jessica’s newest scheme to make a million dollars involves selling Tofu-Glo, “a line of beauty and health products made from soybeans.” Liz is skeptical, her “reporter’s instinct” on “red alert.” She acts encouraging, though, when she sees how serious Jessica is. Then Jessica asks to borrow fifty dollars for the starter kit. Liz hesitates, Jessica whines, Liz gives in. Just a regular day in Wakefield Land.

Liz goes to one of Jeffrey’s soccer games or practices or whatever. Aaron Dallas is on the team and he gets all bent out of shape over some call or other. Liz knows he’s having family problems but she’s fresh out of sympathy because she thinks he should at least try to control his temper. Or, more likely, she’s secretly jealous because Jeffrey is Aaron’s only remaining friend and he’s spending more time with Mr. Angry than with Liz. Either way, Liz isn’t her usual obnoxious self. Instead of wanting to help, she just wants Aaron to get over it and she doesn’t approve of Jeffrey’s unwavering loyalty. I guess only doormat twins are allowed to be unwaveringly loyal.

Jeffrey and Liz go on a double date with Aaron and his girlfriend Heather. Liz is a judgmental bitch all night. She doesn’t like Heather because she thinks she’s vapid, but it’s not like she gives her any kind of a chance at all. They go to Casey’s and Aaron starts yelling at his soccer team co-captain about the same call he was pissed about earlier. Jeffrey makes him sit back down at their table and Heather baby-talks at Aaron until he calms down. Liz is appalled at the baby-talk and it makes her hate Heather and Aaron even more. What the fuck is Liz’s problem? Is she PMSing or something?

Heather calls Liz for no reason I can figure out. I guess she’s going to be another one of those characters who are delusional enough to think the Wakefield twins are their best friends. While Liz is on the phone, Jessica makes her invite Heather to her Tofu-Glo party. Liz puts up a fight, but gives in. Of course. The party is a huge success and Jessica sells lots of crap. After Heather leaves, Liz tells everyone about the baby-talking and they all start making fun of poor Heather. Liz suddenly finds her conscience (which I think ran away because it was feeling overworked) and feels “deeply ashamed” for making fun of Heather behind her back. She’s not even worried about Heather finding out, she just can’t believe how malicious she just acted.

We get a quick peek inside Heather’s head and find out she was really embarrassed to baby-talk in front of Liz, but she did it because it calms Aaron down. Heather would like to be friends with Liz, but Liz is so poised and confident she makes Heather feel dumb and immature. She’s sure Liz doesn’t like her and it makes her feel bad. Liz is so awesome she makes other people feel bad for not making her love them. Heather also thinks about Aaron and how he’s starting to act like his dad.

At the next soccer practice, Aaron attacks a teammate and gives him a bloody nose. The coach suspends him for a few days and warns him that any more outbursts will get him kicked off the team. Liz writes an article for The Oracle about it, even though she knows Aaron won’t like it and Jeffrey will be mad at her. I don’t know why Liz thinks she’s a real reporter instead of a gossip columnist for a school paper.

Jessica is selling Tofu-Glo stuff like crazy, but then Cara calls and tells her the shampoo won’t rinse out of her hair. Jessica tests the products herself and has the same problem. And the facewash burns, so now she’s got sticky hair and a red face. People start calling, demanding their money back because Jessica stupidly offered a money back guarantee to everyone she sold to. Turns out she was supposed to keep the stuff refrigerated.

Liz’s article comes out. Jeffrey is super pissed and Aaron doesn’t even want to come near her. Only Heather thinks the article was a good idea. She tells Liz she thinks it might be good for Aaron to see what he’s doing to himself, and now that she’s properly kissed Liz’s ass, Liz doesn’t find her so unpleasant anymore. But she makes sure to tell herself it’s not just because Heather took her side. Yeah, right. Then she berates herself for being so snobby before.

Finally, it’s the day of the Big Game. Jeffrey and Liz have agreed to disagree about Aaron and are back to being as perfect together as always. They run into Aaron and Heather at lunch. Jeffrey steps up and asks Aaron to get over it and stop being so mad at Liz, but Aaron wants Liz to apologize for her article. The argument ends with Aaron punching Jeffrey in the face and then running out of the cafeteria. Heather runs after him and calms him down (without baby-talk this time) and manages to convince him he and his father both need professional help for their anger. Aaron is sure Jeffrey will never forgive him for hitting him. It turns out Aaron’s dad hit him once and Aaron never forgave him.

Aaron goes to Mrs. Green, the guidance counselor, and she solves everything. She gets the coach to let him stay on the team because it’s so important to him and she gives Aaron the number of a therapist he and his dad should go see. Sweet Valley beats Big Mesa in the big soccer game, just like we knew they would.

Oh, and Ned finds out there was some kind of lawsuit against Tofu-Glo and all the salesgirls are getting a settlement. Because the universe always makes sure things go Jessica’s way.

Quotes:

Like the time in the sixth grade, when [Jessica] was supposed to take care of a neighbor’s dog for a few days. But she managed to sneak off to a concert, and the dog ran away unnoticed. That was a nightmare!

I think this incident has been mentioned in every book since the appearance of Prince Albert. Can we all just get over it already?

“Oh–it’s just–well, all I can say is, I’d never do anything so–so déclassé,” she finished on a note of smug satisfaction.

Narrowing her eyes, Jessica glared at the phone in her hand. Where did Lila get off being so superior, using words like “déclassé”?

Lila can say shit like that ’cause she’s way cooler than you, Jess.

Liz: “Maybe I needed a little positive reinforcement from an authority figure.”

Mr. Collins: “Oh, please! Never call me that!”

Liz: “Okay…Thanks.”

Mr. Collins: -winks- “Anytime, Liz.”

Mr. Collins, you know you’re supposed to be an authority figure, right? You’re probably not supposed to hang out with junior girls and flirt with them.

“Do you believe me now?” Elizabeth asked, her voice gentle. There was no satisfaction in being proven right.

Yeah, right. Why ask, then? Jeffrey just got punched in the face by his best friend, so I’m assuming he now believes you about Aaron’s temper. No need to do the I-told-you-so thing. Ugh, I always hate Liz, but I hate her more than usual in this book.

Jessica and the Number 137:

“I bet I can sell a hundred and thirty-seven tons of the stuff.”

“A hundred and thirty-seven wild horses couldn’t make you fetch.”

The Cover: Jeffrey and Liz both have Village of the Damned eyes and they’re creeping me out. No wonder Aaron wants to punch them.

The moral of the story: It’s okay to act like a total bitch as long as you have a medical condition from which you’ll recover one day and not remember any of your bitchiness. All will be forgiven.

The Big Deal: “Welcome home” party at the Wakefields’ and a “pickup party” at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Most of the first chapter (part of which is for some reason told from Liz’s perspective, even though she’s in a coma) consists of Jessica blabbering to a comatose Liz about how guilty she feels about what happened, blah, blah, blah. Then Liz wakes up and has turned into Jessica. Jess is fine with that until Liz returns to school and everyone thinks she’s Jessica.

Then out of nowhere, Ned mentions that the Percys are going to Europe and their children will be staying with the Wakefields. First of all, who the frak are the Percys? And why do they have twin girls? The twins are brunettes, so they’re described as fragile and bratty. Anyway, Liz goes out on a date and sticks Jessica with the kids.

All this time poor Todd is having trouble adjusting to his girlfriend being the town whore. It all comes to a head at a disastrous basketball game. As we all know, losing a game is the absolute worst thing that can ever happen in Sweet Valley. It’s like that scene in Pleasantville in which all the basketballs miss the net. Worst. Thing. Ever. This prompts the basketball coach to have a talk with Todd about how if Liz is acting different then something must be wrong.

Because Ned and Alice are the worst parents in the world, Jessica gets stuck taking the Percy twins to some flute audition, which causes her to miss a date. Then, because she’s frustrated, she has a fender bender in the Fiat. When Ned and Alice find out, the Percy twins lie for Jessica and keep her out of trouble so all’s good in the hood on that front.

Lila has a “pickup party,” which seems to be code for “be a slut and see who you end up with.” Liz leaves with Bruce, who is well on his way to date raping her when Todd shows up and punches him. The next weekend, Liz goes out with Bruce again while Jessica pretends to be Liz to go on a date with Bill Chase (Liz has double booked her Saturday night).

At the Patmans’ beach house, Liz and Bruce are about to get down when Liz falls and hits her head. She suddenly has no memory of anything since the hospital and doesn’t know why she’s with Bruce. Bruce, troubled young man that he is, threatens to rape her if she doesn’t give it up willingly. Liz runs out of the house and into the arms of Todd Wilkins, who just so happens to be right there. Everything is wonderful again.

Quotes:

“She’ll probably have all the work made up and a dozen stories written for The Oracle before I finish that one stupid book report on Moby Dick. I mean, Todd, who really cares about whales?”

Todd did, but he let the comment slide by.

I don’t know why, but this really cracked me up.

As soon as the Percy twins were settled in Steven’s room, Ned and Alice Wakefield left for a game of bridge.

There is so much wrong with this sentence. First, Ned and Alice drop this bombshell that these bratty twins are coming to stay for a few weeks, then as soon as they’re there, they leave? Second, we know their last name is Wakefield, you don’t have to mention it all the time. And last, bridge? A game of bridge? Really?

“Elizabeth, I hope you know that I’m a friend, not only a teacher and an adviser. And friends don’t dish out a lot of applesauce to each other.”

Oh, Mr. Collins. What does that mean? He says it twice in this book. It must be some ’80′s slang that I don’t know anything about.

“But I saw you two on the beach together. If you were with Bruce, who’s with Bill?”

Hmm, I don’t know, Todd. Let’s think about that one. *facepalm*

Jessica and the Number 137:

“I’m just wondering if Todd’s seen you in that nightgown. I bet it’d raise his temperature about a hundred and thirty-seven degrees!”

Why, she’s doing at least a hundred and thirty-seven things I usually do, Jessica raged inwardly.

“Who told you that?”

“You did, a hundred and thirty-seven times.”

The Cover: The cover and the synopsis on the back both want you to think the whole book is about waiting for Liz to wake up from her coma. She wakes up on page 12.