Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

This is it, folks. The day we’ve all been waiting for. The day we find out exactly why Elizabeth Wakefield left Sweet Valley and why she cries when she orgasms. There are obviously spoilers here, so don’t read any further if you don’t want to know the whole story.

Y’all ready for this?

Here we go!

Elizabeth Wakefield has left Sweet Valley and is now living in New York City, working for a crappy online magazine that nobody’s ever heard of. When our story opens, Liz and her boss, David Stephenson, are returning to Liz’s apartment after grabbing a post-workday dinner. Liz thinks David is handsome enough, but she doesn’t really want to sleep with him because he made her leave the tip at the restaurant. Get over yourself, Liz, it wasn’t even a date. The phone is ringing when they come in, but Liz lets the machine pick it up. It’s Jessica, begging Liz to talk to her.

Liz ignores Jessica and gives David a glass of wine. He asks whose voice that was on the answering machine and marvels at how much it sounded like Liz. Liz considers sleeping with him to get him to stop asking questions, but in the end the tip thing just bothers her too much and she tells him she’s tired and kicks him out. Once he’s gone, she curls up on her couch and feels sorry for herself.

FLASHBACK! We’re suddenly treated to a present-tense-first-person account of the day Todd Wilkins asked Jessica out back in high school. It’s kind of weird.

PRESENT DAY Back in Sweet Valley, Jessica is whining to Todd about Liz not answering any of her calls, texts, emails or Facebook friend requests. There’s kind of a lot of nonsense, but I gather that Liz and Todd were engaged at some point and Jessica slept with Todd. Then there’s another weird first-person-present-tense passage. It’s the exact same scene from before, this time from Jessica’s point of view. Anyway, Todd and Jessica are now living together and are going to be married in four weeks. Todd writes a successful sports column and the two of them spend most of their time trying to avoid the judgmental stares of their friends.

Todd and Jessica go to a party at Lila’s house, and we learn the latest about all our old faves:

• Lila and Ken Matthews are in the middle of getting a divorce, but Ken is apparently still at the house most of the time. Ken is a successful NFL star. Lila doesn’t work, of course.
• Caroline Pearce is a successful real estate broker and a cancer survivor. She’s still a big gossipmonger.
• Jeffrey French is a successful dentist and is married to someone whose name Jessica can’t remember.
• Enid Rollins and A. J. Morgan are having an affair or something and it’s bad for their image, but I don’t know why.
• Robin Wilson is a successful caterer and restaurant critic, but somehow manages to keep herself slim.

You’ll notice that with the exception of A. J. and Enid, everyone’s life has the word successful in it. Sweet Valley is magic.

Everyone seems surprised to see Toddica, but Caroline is the only one who actually dares to ask about Elizabeth. Instead of answering, Jessica tells Caroline what a nosy bitch she is. Then she turns on Lila and hollers at her for inviting her to a party Caroline was going to attend, accusing her of wanting her there only for the drama.

All of Jessica’s chapters are like so infused with instances of like and so and they so make me want to like stab my eyes out.

Meanwhile, Liz goes to some crappy theater to interview William Connolly, a playwright who is currently auditioning actors for his debut play. He acts like a jackass and hardly even looks at Liz, but when he finally does, Liz freaks out a little because he looks exactly like Todd. Sigh. Of course he does. His resemblance to Todd throws Liz down memory lane and she thinks about a time in college when she was sick and made Jessica go to a party with Todd. As far as she knows, it’s the only time they spent any time alone. I guess that whole thing after the prom doesn’t count. And, of course, Liz doesn’t know about the other stuff.

Coincidentally, Todd and Jessica are also thinking of that party in college and…

FLASHBACK – COLLEGE, SENIOR YEAR Jessica doesn’t really want to go to the party, but Todd is the guest of honor and Liz really wants him to go. Neither Todd nor Jessica has any fun at first, but people keep assuming Jessica is Liz so she and Todd pretend to be a couple and have a good time tricking people. When they get in the car to leave, they apparently forget they were just pretending and they start making out like crazy. They eventually end up at the apartment Todd and Winston share. Winston isn’t home, so Todd goes ahead and has sex with his girlfriend’s twin sister. God, what a fucked up piece of fuck this guy is. Jessica’s wrong too, of course, but if I’ve accomplished nothing else with this blog, I know I’ve at least established that Jessica is insane.

For the next month, Todd and Jessica meet every day at a diner nobody they know ever goes to. They don’t have sex again, but it’s still an affair. The guilt finally gets to be too much for Jessica and she breaks it off.

PRESENT DAY Elizabeth runs into Will Connolly at the bar across the street from the theater. They both get a little tipsy and end up talking. Will isn’t really the jerkface he’s made himself out to be, and Liz thinks it’s okay to like him because his eyes are blue and not brown like Todd’s. They introduce themselves to the gorgeous Irish bartender (Liz mentions that her cheating twin would go crazy for him) and then Will invites Liz back to his apartment. They make out for a minute.

Liz’s mother calls that night and tells Liz she’d like her to come home for her grandmother’s eightieth birthday party. (She would also like Liz to come to Jessica’s wedding because she’s a fucking idiot.) Liz tells her there’s no way in hell she’s going to sit through a dinner with Todd and Jessica. Then she gets to thinking that it would really show those bastards if she came home with a new man. She calls Will and asks him if he wants to go. He says he can’t get away, but jokingly suggests Liz take Liam the bartender and try to make Jessica fall in love with him. Liz doesn’t take it as a joke.

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Jessica has married some guy named Regan and they’ve been traveling the world. It’s been about six months since the wedding, and that means it’s about time for Jessica to move on. Not one to waste time, she decides she has to leave Regan immediately. She’s in France, but she calls Liz, who tells her to just come home and stay with her. Todd isn’t super happy about this, but he agrees to be civil.

In this flashback, we learn that brother Steven married Cara Walker, but he apparently has frequent affairs and at this moment might be involved with Lila. What a tool. We also learn that nobody likes Winston anymore because he “changed radically” after making a bunch of money.

PRESENT DAY Liz goes to the bar and insinuates herself into Liam’s life. They hit it off after Liz finds out Liam’s parents live in L.A. and he owes them a visit soon. After about five minutes of friendship, Liam agrees to schedule his visit so it coincides with Liz’s grandmother’s party and he can be her date.

Jessica goes out for a friendly drink with one of her coworkers and wonders if she should hook up with this guy instead of Todd and then she could have Elizabeth back in her life. But alas, her love for Todd is too strong to be denied. Then she thinks about when she came back from France and lived with Todd and Liz for a while.

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Todd is working from home and the house is beginning to seem very small. Jessica and Todd try to avoid each other, but he gets on her nerves one day and she goes to the beach. That’s where she sees her brother in a loving embrace with…Aaron Dallas. Yep, Aaron is gay now and so is Steven. Steve asks Jessica not to tell anyone, but she thinks she’ll be doing him a favor if she tells Cara. Oh, Jessica. This is why you’re the bad twin. Well, this and the whole stealing-your-sister’s-fiancé thing.

PRESENT DAY Liz has lunch with Will and tells him she’ll be taking Liam with her to Sweet Valley. Will was only joking when he suggested getting Liam to seduce Jessica and he does not approve. Liz, who has been telling herself that she’s only bringing Liam home so she’ll have some company, gets defensive and actually says, “fuck you,” and storms out of the pub. Nice. She talks to Bruce Patman on the phone (they’re best friends now) and tells him she’ll be bringing a friend home for her grandmother’s party. Bruce gets a little weird. Liz is irritated and Bruce hangs up on her. Then we get to spend some time in Bruce’s head. And wouldn’t you know it? He’s in love with Liz!

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Bruce and Liz became friends a few years ago when Bruce’s parents were in a car accident. Liz came to the hospital every day for moral support. (Both Patman parents wound up dying.) Bruce has always known about Todd and Jessica’s affair in college (he saw them together at the diner), but he didn’t want to tell Liz because it would hurt her. But now that Jessica is staying with Todd and Liz, and Liz wants to set a wedding date, Bruce thinks it might be time to clue her in. He takes Liz out for pizza (I believe the pizza place used to be the Dairi Burger, but now it’s called Napkin) and tries to get up the courage to break her heart, but just then Ken Matthews comes running in to tell them that Winston is dead.

What the frak?

Meanwhile, Steven goes to Liz’s house to yell at Jessica for outing him to Cara. He calls her a selfish bitch and then leaves. Jessica starts crying and Todd hugs her to comfort her, and OF COURSE they start kissing. That’s when Liz comes home, crying about Winston. Todd and Jessica manage to cover up pretty well and Liz doesn’t notice anything is amiss, but Bruce is giving them the hairy eyeball.

PRESENT DAY Liz flies into LAX, where she’ll meet Liam. She’s going to change at the airport and drive directly to the club for the party. On the flight, she remembers – FLASHBACK! Winston’s funeral. Winston got super drunk and fell off his balcony. People are sad, but Winston had turned into such a total misogynistic jackass that most people are mourning the kid he used to be. Jessica starts looking at Liz intensely and yapping about forgiveness and junk. Liz thinks it’s weird, but figures it’s just funeral stuff.

PRESENT DAY Jessica is getting ready for “Grandmommy’s” party (ugh, grandmommy?) and thinks about the day Liz found out about her and Todd.

FLASHBACK Which is totally lame. Jessica’s husband shows up, I guess to talk to her, but she’s afraid of him so she asks Todd to be in the room. Regan walks in and immediately accuses Jessica of sleeping with Todd. I don’t know why. Words are exchanged and the boys start scufflin’. Liz comes home and breaks up their fight. Regan yells at her and says there’s something going on behind her back, and then he leaves. Liz asks Toddica what Regan was talking about and Jessica says he’s just crazy jealous, which seems reasonable. But Liz has one of those moments where she suddenly realizes how blind she’s been. She calls them cheating liars and storms out.

And that’s it, that’s how she found out. Maybe I’m sick in the head, but I was really kind of hoping she’d find them in bed together or something. Something more exciting than a “sudden realization”.

PRESENT DAY Dinner at the country club seems like it might be okay at first. The twins manage to ignore each other for the most part, but Liz is a little irritated that Liam seems completely smitten with Jessica. She was supposed to fall for him, not the other way around. He hangs on her all night, which pisses Todd off. Liz can’t help but smirk when Toddica start arguing, and the smirk gets Jessica going. Pretty soon, Liz is yelling at Todd, Steven is yelling at Jessica, Bruce and Aaron are telling people to shut up, and Alice is trying to keep everyone from killing each other. She yells at Ned to “bring out the fucking cake.” Grandmommy Robertson is the only one not yelling. When Liz leaves to go back to New York, Todd and Jessica aren’t speaking to each other, and Liz is pissed at Liam for flirting with Jessica so much.

Liz still has to interview Will for her job, and she can tell he wants to apologize for accusing her of being crazy for revenge. She doesn’t want him to do that because then she’ll have to say he was right. So she does the interview and then goes back to his place and has sex with him. I’m not sure why she feels like she always has to have sex with a guy to make him shut up.

She gets home from Will’s to find Jessica asleep outside her apartment door. Jessica says she’s left Todd and wants Liz’s forgiveness. It only takes about thirty seconds of Jessica crying for Liz to forgive her. And just like that, they’re talking everything through. Liz, who only needed to find a new man to realize she really doesn’t love Todd anymore, tells Jessica to go back to Todd. Jessica leaves the next morning and Todd is waiting for her outside Liz’s apartment building. He gives her a big hug and they go home to Sweet Valley. Liz meets Will later and tells him everything. He still thinks she’s the bee’s knees and they go back to Liz’s.

Will and Liz become friends with benefits, and things are going really well. Her article comes out and she gets another job offer from a magazine. By the time Will’s play opens, Liz has decided she’s not in love with Will, but they have a really good friendship. On opening night, Will’s parents show up with the fiancé Will left behind when he came to New York to be a famous playwright. It’s clear to Liz that Will and Wendy love each other. She’s happy for them.

When Liz goes home for Jessica’s wedding, Bruce tells Liz he’s selling his house and moving to New York because he’s in love with someone who lives there. Liz is an idiot and Bruce has to spell it out for her that Liz is the one he loves. They go up to Bruce’s bedroom where they get naked and we learn that Liz has “taut nipples.”

EPILOGUE: FOR ALL SWEET VALLEY FANS OF OLD

Everyone in the world shows up to Jessica’s wedding, and Francine gives us a little bio of what’s been going on with all our old friends…

• Bill Chase – Lost his right leg to a shark during a triathlon three years ago. Now teaches surfing to handicapped teens. Married someone named Lianne Kane.
• Roger Collins – Mr. Collins has quit teaching and is a successful writer. His son is now nineteen and named Sam (pretty sure he used to be named Teddy).
• Jeffrey French – Lila’s date for the wedding. Now Francine tells us he’s single, even though Jessica talked to his wife in the second chapter.
• Dee Dee Gordon – Working as an artist
• Charlie Markus – Married Annie Whitman. He writes for a car magazine but wants to be a novelist. He is referred to as the boy who “saved” Annie, but I think Francine has confused him with Ricky Capaldo.
• Betsy Martin – An alcoholic who sleeps around. I guess art school wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
• A. J. Morgan – Sells shoes at the Nike store in the mall.
• Roger Barrett Patman – A successful Hollywood producer. He married Zoe Jones, a rock star.
• Caroline Pearce – Caroline’s cancer is in remission these days. She puts out a gossip blog six days a week.
• Enid Rollins – Enid is a successful gynecologist, but she’s arrogant and extremely right-wing. She plans to run for city council, and that’s why she wants to keep her relationship with A. J. a secret. She doesn’t think a shoe salesman is an appropriate partner for someone as important as she is.
• Nicky Shepard – I don’t know why we care about this guy since he was really only important in one book, but Francine tells us he hit rock bottom two years ago and is now living in Utah, teaching at an AA center.
• Cara Walker – She and Steven are now divorced, but she still remains friendly with Ned and Alice.
• Annie Whitman – Annie is a lawyer in San Francisco. She and Charlie have a two-year-old boy.
• Robin Wilson – Catered Jessica’s wedding. She’s also senior editor of Bon Appétit.
• George Warren – A representative for a Silicon Valley company. Lives in England.

We get a rundown of some dead folks. Winston, Regina and Tricia are mentioned, but strangely, Olivia Davidson is not. Maybe because of her zombie appearance in SVU. Surprisingly, Suzanne Devlin is among the dead. We’re told she returned to Sweet Valley six years after the Mr. Collins scandal, but she had multiple sclerosis and crashed her car after taking her medication with champagne. Wait, I thought she just had mono. I’m confused.

And now the Wakefields…

• Ned Wakefield – Still a successful lawyer. He’s so awesome that even the mayor came to the wedding.
• Alice Wakefield – Now has her own interior design company. It is, of course, successful. Alice was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago, but she had a lumpectomy and some radiation and is good to go.
• Steven Wakefield – Steve and Aaron are living together and hoping that someday they’ll be able to get married.
• Elizabeth Wakefield – Liz was Jessica’s maid of honor. I think that’s gross, but what do I know? She and Bruce are totally in love.
• Jessica Wakefield – Was fifteen minutes late for her own wedding because, as you know, nothing starts until she gets there.

Quotes:

Unless, of course, she were to arrive, unexpectedly, at her grandmother’s party on the arm of a handsome New York playwright. That certainly wouldn’t be pathetic.

It’s a little pathetic if he looks exactly like the ex-boyfriend you’re so eager to show up.

…its main financial backing had come from Richard Fowler, Lila’s father.

Didn’t his name used to be George?

One time when we were in high school, this lunatic madman came at her with a sledgehammer. I jumped in between them, and I didn’t even have a weapon. All I had was crazy fury and determination to save my sister’s life.

What’s funny is that I thought I would try to give you guys a link to the book this is from and make a snarky comment about it, but the twins escaped death so many times that I don’t know which book to link to.

I’m in my black Porsche convertible, the last vestige of the old Bruce that I can’t give up.

1BRUCE1 is still alive, people!

“I remember once I had this thing with Caroline way back when we were in the seventh grade. She told everyone that I let A. J. Morgan touch my breast.”

That’s so weird, you know, because he didn’t move to Sweet Valley until junior year.

She was twenty-seven years old and this was the first person she’d ever told to go fuck himself. What was wrong with her?

Oh, Liz. You’ve just been suffering from Valleyitis. Folks from the SV don’t say fuck. Except Alice Wakefield, apparently.

The Cover: Is boring. I really do like the endpapers though.

The End.

The Moral of the Story: Making a dinner reservation is hard work.

Synopsis:

College Woes: Melissa and Will get acceptance letters from east coast colleges and they each think it’s great that they’ll be getting away from the other. Evan gets a letter from Berkeley that says he’s on the waiting list, so he cries to Jade that he wasn’t accepted. She tries to teach him the difference between being rejected and being wait-listed, but Evan just wants to feel sorry for himself. Tia’s gotten acceptance letters from just about everywhere, including Berkeley, and Evan freaks on her when she says she’s not sure whether she wants to go to Berkeley or one of the other schools she applied to.

Evan sucks: Evan talks to his guidance counselor and finds out that Berkeley usually only accepts three students from Sweet Valley High, and that if one of them decides not to go, Evan will be moved up the waiting list. Jade convinces him that Tia would be a huge jerk if she didn’t hand over her spot to him. Tia flips out and tells Evan it’s completely out of line for him to ask her to give up her spot just for him. Evan calls Liz and tells her everything that’s been going on, and Liz tells Tia it’s not fair of her to not give her spot to Evan. Ah, there’s the meddlesome bitch we’ve been missing. Welcome back, Liz.

Tia goes to a Berkeley symposium and discovers it’s really not the place for her because the academics are too rigorous and somebody gives her a mean look when she asks about cheerleading. On her way out, she runs into Evan, who came to check things out. Tia tells him she’s not going to Berkeley and she hopes he gets in.

Melissa and Will are codependent: After being caught trying to get with Aaron, Melissa tries to call all her friends to tell them to ignore Cherie. Sadly for her, Cherie has gotten to them first and now everyone is mad at Melissa. Melissa decides she’s above all that now because she’s going to the east coast for college so none of this high school crap matters anymore. She loudly announces at cheerleading practice that she’s going to Smith. At First and Ten later, Cherie and the gang start gossiping and Will finds out about Smith. He’s hurt that Melissa would apply to an east coast school when they had planned to stay in California. Um, Will. You broke up. Who cares where she’s going to school?

While getting dressed for cheerleading practice one day, Cherie starts yapping about Will getting accepted to NYU. So now Melissa is hurt about all the same stupid crap Will was hurt about. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO? Melissa stops what she’s doing and puts her regular clothes back on. She tells everyone she’s quitting the squad because she’s going to be too busy getting ready for college. When Will finds out, he gets worried about all the changes Melissa is making in her life and he calls her to make sure she’s not going to try to kill herself again. Melissa hangs up on him.

Melissa goes to a seminar about Smith, but doesn’t feel like she fits in with the other girls. She kind of loses it when she says her personal heroine is some lip gloss creator and everyone looks at her like she’s crazy. She decides Smith isn’t the right place for her after all. So she goes home and now she’s sure she and Will belong together. Hate you, hate you, hate you.

Melissa goes to Will’s with the intention of getting back together. She apologizes for hanging up on him the night before, but gets pissed when Will asks if she’s going to apologize for trying to hook up with Aaron. Melissa says she was just trying to get back at him for kissing Erika, but Will insists it’s not the same thing. They argue for a bit, and then Will tells Melissa to go away and never come back. But then the next day, Will starts walking down the street to mail his acceptance letter to NYU and ends up going to Melissa’s instead. Because he “needs” her. They get back together for about the hundredth time.

Wakefield antics: Jessica suddenly remembers that her parents’ twenty-fifth anniversary is coming up. She and Liz and Steven were supposed to plan something, but now Liz is all wrapped up in Jeffrey and Steven is too busy being a cool college guy and nobody has anything planned. Steve returns Jessica’s call and ends up talking to Liz. They talk about booking a sushi place called Saki, but Steven says they should check it out first. Liz says she can’t but that Jessica is off the next night. Steve tells Liz to tell Jessica to be there at six o’clock. Of course Liz forgets and Steve gets pissed at Jessica for being a ditz.

Jessica yells at Liz, and then they decide to meet at their parents’ favorite restaurant, Le Chateau, to make a reservation. Why can’t they just call to make the reservation? Liz ends up having to go to Scope to work on something important, and Jessica waits around for her outside the restaurant for about twenty minutes before she gets pissed and goes inside to do it herself. Meanwhile, Liz keeps calling the restaurant in the hopes of talking to Jessica, but since Jessica’s outside, the guy answering the phone doesn’t know she’s there. God, this is so damned stupid. Why does it take two of you to make a reservation anyway? At home that night, Jessica asks Liz where she was and gets pissed when Liz says she figured Jessica just forgot.

The party ends up being wonderful, but nobody thanks Jessica. Everyone assumes Liz and Steve planned the whole thing. After Mrs. Wakefield makes a speech about how many to-do lists Elizabeth must have gone through, Jessica gets up and runs off to the bathroom to cry. Liz follows her and tries to calm her down, but then the hostess comes in and says Liz has a phone call from Jeff. Liz immediately gets up to go talk to him, and Jessica tells her that this is her real problem. Liz cares about everyone but her and everyone thinks she’s so great and that Jessica is so irresponsible. Oh man, I hope Jessica doesn’t try to run away again or join a cult.

The Cover: I think this is supposed to be Will and Melissa, but until I actually read the book I thought that chick was Tia. Stupid new cover models. And wow, that guy is ugly.

The Moral of the Story: Elizabeth Wakefield is the worst friend ever.

The Big Deal: Basketball game

Synopsis:

Winter break is over. Tia and Trent have been seeing each other every day, Ken has been worrying over the Michigan scholarship, Will isn’t speaking to Melissa because she blabbed to Ken about it, Liz has decided to focus on herself and nobody else, and Evan has decided he wants Jade back. Now you’re all caught up.

Liz pretends to be sick so she can skip work and go to an interview at Scope magazine. They have an internship available and Liz thinks it’s the perfect thing to make her forget about Conner. Has she been sitting around this whole time grieving her crappy relationship with that jackass? Jessica is a little worried about her because Liz tends to get a little obsessive about things. Liz gets the internship and then bothers her friends, asking them for ideas on what she can write about. Ken reacts strangely when she says something about ethics and sports, and she gets annoyed when he won’t tell her what his problem is or give her any story ideas.

Evan asks Jade to have coffee with him. He gets to House of Java early, and a couple of really obnoxious friends of his from El Carro sit with him. The girl, Roni, flirts with him and Jade is pretty confused because she was under the impression that Evan had asked her out on a date. Roni is a bitch to her and Jade leaves after just a few minutes. Evan is an idiot and can’t figure out what her problem is. Jade has quit the cheerleading squad to play basketball this semester, and the first big game is against Big Mesa. Naturally, Roni is Big Mesa’s forward. When Jade finds out Evan came to see Roni play and not her, she gets pissed. Blah, blah, who cares, Evan and Jade get together after the game and make out.

Will and Melissa have a fight about her and her big fat mouth, and Will tells Ken he should take the scholarship no matter how he got it. Ken can’t decide what to do and he annoys Maria with his constant hemming and hawing. Maria tells Liz she wants to talk about it, but Liz is so caught up in her internship that she can’t be bothered to talk about stupid Ken. When Maria finally tells her what’s going on, all Liz can think about is what a great story it would make. She writes a proposal and plans to pitch it to her boss.

Jessica and Jeremy have been hanging out with Trent and Tia. They all think it’s so awesome that the guys are roommates and the girls are such good friends. Jessica wants to get Liz to stop obsessing about her internship, so she suggests the guys pick one of their friends to set Liz up with. Trent is the only one who thinks it’s a good idea, but they all go along with it. Of course, when date night rolls around, Liz cancels because she has to work late. They have a good time without her, and Jessica dances with Trent a few times at the Riot. Tia and I are the only ones who think maybe Jessica has a crush on Trent. Even Jessica doesn’t seem to notice.

Liz isn’t having a good night. She went into work all ready to pitch her idea to the boss, Joanna, but her supervisor, Leo, asks her to do some research and get some quotes. When she’s finished, Joanna has already left for the night. Liz thinks she should give her proposal to Leo to give to Joanna, but when she gets to his desk, Leo is on the phone, telling Joanna about all the quotes he got and the research he did. Liz is appalled he would take credit for her work. She tells him he sucks and then leaves. When Liz gets home, she realizes her “me, me, me” attitude is horrible and if she keeps it up she’s going to become just like that crappy Leo.

Ken sits through an excruciating dinner with his father, Hank the Michigan scout and the Michigan coach. Ken hates Hank, but the coach seems like a really good guy. The coach’s awesomeness is what seals the deal for Ken. He calls the school later in the week to tell him he’ll accept the scholarship, but an assistant coach answers the phone. He says it’s too bad Coach won’t be back next year. Ken is pissed. He’s pretty much been lied to every step of the way, so he decides he’s not going. Mr. Matthews is quite disappointed.

The Cover: I have absolutely nothing interesting to say about this cover.

The Moral of the Story: If you ground your kids, they’ll sneak out and try to drunkenly skinny-dip at a party.

The Big Deal: Party at Cherie’s

Synopsis:

Liz gets called to the office on Monday morning and is told to go see the guidance counselor, Mr. Valasquez. He says a lot of her teachers have expressed concern because she’s been getting bad grades, skipping Oracle meetings and daydreaming in class. Liz doesn’t want to tell Mr. Valasquez that it’s all because she’s so depressed over Conner (a fact that makes me absolutely sick, by the way), so she tells him it’s all because of the earthquake and living at Fowler Crest and stuff. She actually feels better once she gets it all out and she doesn’t understand why Mr. Valasquez wants her to come back next week. When Liz gets home that night, her parents say Mr. Valasquez called them and they want to know why she didn’t just tell them she’s been having such a hard time. Alice gets really upset for some reason and starts yelling. She says she scheduled a meeting with Mr. Valasquez for all three of them for the next day. Alice is doing some actual parenting? I might die from the shock of it.

Megan Sandborn seems to be under the impression that her parents are going to get back together when her mom gets out of rehab. Conner tries to tell her that’s not going to happen because Gary, her father, isn’t going to want to stick around. Megan and Conner have a big fight and Conner realizes she’ll never listen to him about Gary. He thinks the only person Megan will listen to is Liz. He finds her at school and tells her what’s going on, and of course the whole time he’s talking to her he can’t think of anything but kissing her. But as soon as Liz says she’ll talk to Megan, Conner just turns around and walks away. What the hell is wrong with these people?

With Maria’s help, Ken turns in an excellent English paper and gets complimented by his teacher. To celebrate, he and Maria decide to go see a movie. When Ken takes her home, all he wants to do is kiss her, but he can’t seem to work up the nerve. They go to a street fair the next day and Ken wins Maria a teddy bear, which she promptly gives away to a five-year-old who comes up to her screaming that she wants a stuffed animal. Ken feels like an ass.

Liz is in a really great mood after Conner’s plea for help, and she decides to take Megan out after school. They go to Casey’s for ice cream, and after just a few minutes, Liz remembers she’s supposed to be meeting her parents at Mr. Valasquez’s office. She drives Megan home and then goes straight home because it’s too late to try to meet her parents at the school. When she gets home, Ned hollers at her because Alice is worried sick and driving around looking for her. Ned tells Liz she’s grounded for the next two weeks. Wow, now Ned is getting in on the parenting stuff. This is insane.

Will and Jessica are totally together now and everyone knows it, including Melissa. Cherie is having a big deal party and everyone besides Jessica is going to be there, so Melissa thinks it should be a good opportunity to steal Will back. Sadly for her, Will isn’t interested in going any place Jessica isn’t welcome. How sweet. You’re still a jackass.

Conner is all angry because he overheard Gary telling his girlfriend she could come stay at the Sandborn house while he’s there, so Conner calmly tells him he doesn’t think that’s a good idea because it would upset Megan. Gary says he won’t ask his girlfriend to move in, just as long as Conner behaves himself. Then the next night, the girlfriend – Alicia – shows up for dinner and Gary announces she’s moving in. Megan flips out and runs upstairs to her room. Conner goes to her room later that night and finds a note saying she can’t live with Gary and Alicia. Conner has no idea how long she’s been gone or where she might be. As you can probably guess, Megan is at Liz’s. She rode there on her bike and is now crying on Liz’s shoulder. Liz gets to do some shoulder-patting, so that’s pretty cool. Conner finally thinks to go to Liz’s, and when he gets there and rings the doorbell, Mrs. Wakefield acts like a bitch and says he can’t come in. Then Liz and Megan come downstairs and Alice tells Liz to meet her in the other room when her friends are gone. Conner yells at Liz for not forcing Megan to call home, and then Alice yells at her for having a friend over when she’s supposed to be grounded. She adds another week to Liz’s sentence. Liz decides she’s not cool with that, so she sneaks out to go to Cherie’s party.

Ken and Maria go out to dinner, and Maria starts to panic a little when she realizes they’re at a very romantic restaurant. Apparently, she’s an idiot and hasn’t noticed that Ken is interested in her. When he tries to feed her a bite of his pasta, she asks him if he thinks they’re on a date. He asks her what she thinks they’ve been doing all week. They don’t know how to proceed, so they just leave and go to Cherie’s party.

At the party, Ken gets roped into a conversation with Gina, and that makes Maria jealous so she dances with Aaron. That makes Ken jealous, so he dances with Cherie. Maria cuts in and says they have to talk, but they end up kissing instead. Meanwhile, Liz decides to get drunk. Tia and Andy try to take her home, but she gives them the slip when she says she has to go to the bathroom. She’s just about to take off her clothes and jump into the pool when everyone starts running away because there are police sirens coming closer. Conner is just pulling up when he sees Liz stumbling down the driveway. He can tell she’s drunk and he wants to get to her before the police do. He grabs her arm and shoves her in the car. After he drives her a little way down the street, he stops the car and apologizes for being a jerk earlier. Then he kisses her.

Quotes:

Mr. Collins glanced up from the paper, his warm brown eyes looking surprised.

What happened to Mr. Collins’ crinkly blue eyes?

The Cover: Hello, extreme close-up.

The Big Deal: Football game, party at Andy’s

Synopsis:

Jessica has a meeting with Coach Laufeld, who tells her if someone hadn’t told her Jessica was sick, she’d have been really worried about her when she didn’t show up for the pep rally and probably would have kicked her off the squad. Jessica thinks the whole squad hates her, so she wonders who bailed her out. Jessica hasn’t spoken to Liz since the night before at the Riot, so Liz calls her mother and tells her she’ll pick Jessica up. After practice, Liz runs into Tia, who offers to hang around and explain herself to Jessica. Jessica doesn’t want to hear it at first, but Tia tells her Melissa and Cherie lied to her to make sure Jessica didn’t get to the pep rally. She hugs Jessica and tells the twins she wants to do something to get back at Melissa.

Tia goes up to Melissa the next day and yells at her in front of everyone. Melissa insists she didn’t do anything wrong and tries to cry on Will’s shoulder later about how mean Tia’s being, but Will says he overheard Melissa and Cherie planning to sabotage Jessica. He asks why she can’t stop being so mean to Jessica, but Melissa just starts sobbing and asks Will to take her home. Will starts thinking it might be time to break up.

Liz asks for Tia’s advice about Conner, but makes sure to keep it anonymous. She says she has a big crush on a guy who treats her like crap, and Tia says she should kiss him to find out if there are any sparks. While Liz sits there fantasizing and wondering if she would ever have the guts to do that, Tia hopes her advice helps Liz and Conner get together because of course she knows that’s who Liz is talking about.

At lunch one day, Maria insists on sitting with Conner and his friends so she can show him how over him she is. Conner says his guitar teacher is the lead guitarist in some band that’s opening for Silver Chair on Friday (I don’t know if that’s supposed to be Silverchair or some other made up band), and he’s given Conner free tickets and backstage passes. Liz says she wants to go, so Maria says she does, too. Liz can tell Maria is totally not over Conner. Liz is supposed to work Friday night, so she asks Jessica to cover for her. Jessica says that’s fine as long as Liz covers for her on Saturday afternoon.

Melissa and Will make plans to meet for dinner Thursday night, but Will doesn’t show. She calls his house, but his mom says he’s at his friend Josh’s. So Melissa calls over there and he blows her off, saying he forgot about dinner and now he’s promised the guys he’d play basketball with them. Melissa is furious, so she makes him hang out with her and her friends on Friday at House of Java, which pisses him off because it’s the night before the first football game of the year and he wants to be hanging out at Todd’s with the rest of the team. He finally realizes he can just get up and leave, so that’s what he does. Melissa is pissed.

There’s some guy named Jeremy Aames who goes to Big Mesa and works at House of Java with Elizabeth. His dad lost his job a year ago and Jeremy hasn’t told anyone because he wants everyone to think his family is perfect or something. Anyway, Liz has told him about Jessica covering for her so he can help her out Friday night, but she apparently didn’t tell Jessica she told him. Jessica keeps calling him Justin, and Jeremy keeps pretending he thinks she’s Liz. Lila and Amy walk in and Jessica turns pale and runs off to the bathroom. All in all, though, Jessica has a good night. It’s the first time she’s been out of the house in a while and Jeremy flirts with her. After work, Jessica admits she’s not Elizabeth, and Jeremy says he knew all along.

The concert sucks because Maria spends the whole night trying to make Conner jealous by flirting with his friend Evan, who spends the night trying to get Liz’s attention. Liz doesn’t notice Evan because she’s too busy noticing how sickening Maria is being and hoping Conner isn’t jealous of her flirting with Evan. She doesn’t get home until like three in the morning, and she calls Jessica to ask her to cover her morning shift at the coffeehouse. Jessica is more than happy to hang out with Jeremy again.

Liz gets a call from Andy the next day. He invites her over to hang out at the pool and says everyone will be there, including Maria and Conner. Liz can’t stand the thought of Maria and Conner being in the same place at the same time, so she dolls herself up with a bunch of makeup and puts on a skimpy bikini and goes to the party. Conner ignores her the whole time, but Evan and Andy try to get her to play volleyball. She says no, so they throw her in the pool. When she surfaces, Conner is laughing at her and Liz realizes her mascara has run. Maria takes her inside to fix her face.

Jessica goes to the high school Saturday afternoon for the football game and sees Jeremy in a Big Mesa football uniform. They talk for a minute, and then all the other cheerleaders show up and start whispering when they see her talking to a guy. Jessica runs away and the other cheerleaders go meet the coach, who has promised she’s going to announce who she’s assigning captain. She gives the title to Tia, and Melissa and her friends assume she and Jessica must have told the coach they lied to Jessica about the pep rally. Jessica, who decided to just skip the game, wanders over to Healthy, which is I guess the name of the place where she works. Her boss fires her for not showing up for her shift, the one Liz was supposed to cover.

Melissa’s in a bad mood because she got a message from Will asking her to meet him after the game because he wants to talk. When Melissa never comes outside after the game, Will goes back inside and finds her surrounded by her friends, crying. She tells him Tia and Jessica told on her so Tia would be named captain. Will starts to say that doesn’t make sense, but Melissa starts crying harder and saying Jessica’s trying to steal everything from her. Will knows that if Tia and Jessica tattled they would only be telling the truth, but he thinks it’s his fault that Melissa has become such a bitch and he decides he has to stay with her.

After washing her face, Liz gets in the Jeep to leave Andy’s party, and Conner jumps into the passenger seat. He asks Liz if Maria is okay since she’s been acting weird lately. Liz drops her keys between Conner’s seat and the center console, and they both reach for them at the same time. They kiss the biggest kiss of their lives, and then Conner says he has to go.

Quotes:

“Jessica, is everything okay?” Mrs. Wakefield asked… “You just seem a bit down lately.”

Alice Wakefield, as observant a parent as ever.

The Cover: Ew, horrible kissy face cover that looks like just about every teenage girl on Myspace.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: A week of starving in the woods will help you figure your whole life out.

The Big Deal: Barbecue at Secca Lake

Synopsis:

Liz is super pissed at Todd and Devon. She’s completely overreacting, pacing around and crying just because a couple of punches were thrown. Whatever. You cheated on one with the other and got them fighting over you and now you’re complaining? Bitch, please. Liz decides she needs to do something to prove her independence from guys. Enid tells her about some Project Adventure camping trip and Liz convinces her parents to let her take a week off of school to do it. She’ll be learning to survive in the woods on nothing but a pocket knife and her wits. Sounds awful.

Jessica can’t believe Liz actually wants to do this instead of help her plan the barbecue she’s decided to throw at Secca Lake. Liz doesn’t want to help Jessica because she’s so mad at her, but for some reason she ends up agreeing to write the text for the invitations before she leaves for her stupid camping trip. Meanwhile, both Devon and Todd are totally depressed that Liz won’t speak to them. Todd can’t stop thinking about her and Devon actually considers drowning himself in the ocean. Guys, she ain’t that hot.

Todd takes up mountain biking with that hippie Keith Wagner, and pretty soon he has all the guys doing it. They bail on their dates, lie to their girlfriends and high-five each other while they talk about what a natural high mountain biking is. I’m suddenly wondering if “mountain biking” is code for something else entirely. Todd loves “mountain biking” so much that all his anxieties about Liz start to disappear and he actually brings himself to invite Devon to join the fun. Devon’s much too cool for that and rolls his eyes as he turns Todd down. The guys are all eating at Guido’s one night after a bike trip when someone mentions Liz’s Project Adventure trip. Todd, who thought Liz was just avoiding him, can’t believe she’s out in the woods. He starts to run out the door to “rescue” her, but Aaron talks some sense into him. When Devon finds out what Liz is doing this week, it for some reason depresses him so much that he decides he should just leave town.

Jessica and the other girls are fed up with the boys ditching them every day. They follow them after school one day to the Great Mountain National Reserve and see them all get on their bicycles. By an amazing coincidence, Devon has chosen this day to leave town. He’s packed up his saddlebags and is taking one last ride through town on his motorcycle. He ends up at the Great Mountain National Reserve. Todd sees him and asks again if he wants to join the ride. Bruce has an extra bike, so Devon borrows it and off they go.

Meanwhile, Liz is in the woods on the last evening of her big nature adventure when she sees Todd and Devon fly by on bicycles. She thinks it’s a hallucination because she’s so hungry. Then Jessica, Lila, Amy and white Maria show up and start talking to her. Jessica has to pinch Liz to convince her she’s not having visions. They try to convince her to come with them to the Dairi Burger, but now that Liz has seen Devon and Todd hanging out together, she feels like she can face the night alone. Or something. She goes home the next day feeling all good about herself.

Devon and Todd have agreed they both need to stay away from Liz so she can make up her mind about them. Then both of them decide they need to see her anyway. Before the party on Saturday, Todd goes over to Liz’s and they have a nice chat and agree that no matter what happens, they’ll always be friends. Hooray for them not getting back together! Then Liz freaks out because she forgot to go pick up some deli trays for the party and the deli closes in half an hour. Todd offers to do it and Liz tells him to take the Jeep and she’ll drive his car to the party. Todd and Devon meet in the driveway and yell at each other for a few minutes. Devon starts getting all emo again as he knocks on the door. Liz lets him in, but the phone rings immediately. It’s Jessica, telling Liz the brakes are out on the Jeep and she should take Alice’s station wagon.

Liz freaks out and tells Devon that Todd is in her death trap of a car and she needs to go save him. She starts to get into the station wagon, but Devon convinces her his motorcycle will be faster. Liz agrees. I don’t get it. When you find Todd, where are you going to put him? Furthermore, weren’t you in a motorcycle crash a while back? Whatever. They catch up to Todd just in time to see him crash the Jeep through a guard rail. Now the Jeep is perched precariously on the edge of a cliff. How many times can this really happen to one person?

Devon pulls Todd out of the Jeep just before it goes over the side of the cliff. Bye-bye Jeep. Todd is unconscious, and a nice lady passing by calls an ambulance. Everyone rushes to the hospital. Jessica and her friends go back to the party as soon as they find out Todd’s going to live, but Liz and Devon stay. The nurse says Liz can go in, and she’s so happy he’s not going to die that she almost goes in there and tells him he’s the one she wants to be with. Then, thank goodness, she stops and thinks. She realizes she wants to try being single for a while.

I think Liz and Todd have really broken up this time! Hooray!

Quotes:

Jessica crossed her arms behind her head and sank deeper into the couch. You’re awesome, Jess, she told herself, simply amazing.

Jessica tells herself this after she comes up with the incredible idea of throwing a party. I’m not sure if that actually qualifies her as amazing.

“What?” he yelled. “That’s out in the middle of nowhere! She won’t be able to handle it!” He pulled some money out of his pocket and threw it on the table.

“Where are you going?” Bruce demanded.

“To rescue Liz,” Todd shot back, starting for the door.

What a drama queen.

Once the bikes were off the cars, Todd and his group started walking them toward the mountains. Devon hesitated a moment, but he was really curious to see what they were up to.

Um, I think they’re gonna ride bikes.

The Cover: This never happens! Which guy is that supposed to be, anyway?

The Moral of the Story: If you coast through life and never apply yourself, you’ll do well on important tests.

The Big Deal: Party at Lila’s after the SATs, big basketball game

Best Outfit: Dana, the original American Apparel model – green tunic, black leather belt, purple tights, black high-heeled boots

Synopsis:

It’s time for the SATs and Liz is freaking out. She stays up late studying every night while Jessica shops and sunbathes. Unsurprisingly, Liz is so tired and stressed that she does badly on the test. Her scores are in the four hundreds. Jessica is shocked and horrified when her own scores are in the seven hundreds. She doesn’t want to tell anyone because she’s worried about being seen as a nerd. She does tell Ken, but he doesn’t believe her. Jackass.

After the scores come out, Jessica is again horrified when she gets to school and there’s a big banner congratulating her and Winston on having the highest SAT scores in the junior class. There’s even an assembly to recognize their achievement. Everyone is congratulating her and Jessica is relieved that being smart won’t totally ruin her reputation. But then people keep coming up to her and saying how surprised they are that she did so well. Jessica is upset that everyone thinks she’s dumb.

Jessica gets called to the principal’s office and Chrome Dome tells her the school board thinks she cheated on the exam. Caroline Pearce overhears and starts spreading the gossip. By the time it gets to Liz, the story is that Jessica sneaked back into the classroom after the test and switched her exam with Liz’s. Liz gets pissed and starts a fight with Jessica.

While all this is going on, Todd is turning into a real asshat. He scored in the six hundreds and now has college scouts coming to watch him play basketball. He’s acting really arrogant and obnoxious and he doesn’t seem to care at all about Liz’s problems. Liz’s self esteem is shot. She even tries to resign from The Oracle because she thinks she’s too stupid to be a reporter, but Mr. Collins doesn’t let her. She manages to tear Todd away from his constant rereading of scholarship offers and they go to Miller’s Point. Liz tries one more time to talk to Todd about how she’s feeling, but he can’t stop blathering on about how awesome he is. Liz kicks him out of the car. Just a few feet away, Jessica and Ken have a fight because Ken wants Jessica to tell him the truth, that she really cheated on the exam. She jumps out of his car and runs into Todd. Then Liz drives by and offers Jessica a ride. They make up on the way home and Liz says she knows Jessica didn’t cheat.

The twins both decide to take the SATs again. This time, Jessica is determined to do just as well as she did the first time so she stays up all night studying and even invites Winston over to help her. Liz has decided she doesn’t even care about the SATs anymore, so she acts like Jessica and doesn’t prepare at all. This time, Liz scores in the seven hundreds and Jessica in the four hundreds. The school board is convinced Jessica cheated the first time, so she is suspended from school.

Liz is determined to clear Jessica’s name and she comes up with a plan. Chrome Dome gives her permission to hold a mock trial. Liz will act as Jessica’s lawyer and the jury will be six students and six faculty members who don’t know Jessica very well. If Liz and Jessica win, Chrome Dome will fight for Jessica’s case against the school board.

Jessica is allowed to come back to school the day before the trial, and when the twins get there they find a whole rally going on. Half the school is wearing “We Believe in Jessica” t-shirts while the football team, led by Ken, runs around yelling and the cheerleading squad (minus Heather) does a cheer. I wish I was kidding. While that’s going on, Heather and Bruce are leading the rest of the school in a display of scowling while wearing “Jessica is Guilty” t-shirts. Because everyone has an opinion. Fucking Wakefields.

To my complete lack of surprise, Liz wins the trial and Jessica’s good name is cleared. Ned and Alice decide the twins should take a few days off from school and go visit Steve at Sweet Valley University.

Oh, somewhere in there, Todd falls at his big basketball game and breaks his ankle. This prompts Liz to make up with him and everything is wonderful again.

Quotes:

“You’re really beautiful, Jessica,” ken said. He touched her fingers. “You’re without a doubt the prettiest girl at Sweet Valley High. I’ve heard guys on the football team talking about your incredible looks when they thought I was out of earshot.”

Do I really need more confirmation that Jessica is totally hot? Does Jessica really need it?

“Well, I’m not too surprised, Jess,” [Ken] said with a smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “It’s not like anyone expected you to do really well.”

Damn, that’s cold.

“What school should I go to, Liz? You used to know a lot about college,” Todd said.

Ha ha. Because she’s suddenly forgotten everything she’s ever learned now that she scored low on a test.

The Cover: I don’t know what’s going on here, but I don’t think anything on this cover actually correlates to anything that happens in the book.

The Moral of the Story: If you send criminals to jail, they’ll come back to kill your family.

The Big Deal: Summer vacation

Synopsis:

So, this book has a prologue, which is weird. A man named John Marin sits in a prison cell staring at the newspaper clippings he’s gathered over the last few months. Each one contains something about the Wakefield twins. They sure are in the paper a lot. Anyway…

It’s the first day of summer vacation again, and this time the twins are for once NOT going to work at a newspaper. They’ve taken jobs as waitresses at the Marina Café. Alice will be spending the summer working on a new job at a mansion that’s being remodeled, Steve will be working at Ned’s law firm and Ned will be fretting about the twins because John Marin just got out of jail. Marin, who is now twenty-eight but still looks like he’s twenty, killed a mother and daughter ten years ago and Ned was the attorney that put him away. Marin didn’t like that much and threatened Ned’s family and now here we are.

The twins’ boss, Mr. Jenkins, can’t get tell them apart. Rather, he obviously can since he’s pretty consistent in calling Liz Jess and Jess Liz. Whatever, I don’t even care. Liz is awed by another waitress, Jane, who’s on her fourth summer at the Marina Café. Jane tells Liz she just graduated from college and Liz just can’t believe it because Jane doesn’t look twenty-two. Jane laughs and confirms that she’s really twenty-six. Oh, shut up. Jessica flirts with a customer named Scott Maderlake who looks about twenty and has blue eyes. He says he’s an intern scouting out locations for his boss’s next film, which will take place at a high school. Of course, Jessica offers to show him Sweet Valley High. He’s like Jessica’s dream man. When Ned gets home from work that night, he finds that John Marin has broken into the house and left him a threatening note.

This book sucks already.

Liz is tired of her boring life (again) and wants to do something adventurous (again). After she and Todd see some movie for the fourth time, they go to the Dairi Burger, where Liz looks across the room and sees her soulmate, some guy who looks about twenty with blue eyes. She doesn’t speak to him or anything, but she knows he was meant for her. He shows up at the café the next day, sailing up on his boat, The Emily Dickinson. Both twins notice a creepy old man watching them all day, and Liz actually runs into him in the storage room. She runs out and straight into the arms of soulmate guy. His name is actually Ben Morgan and he seems like Liz’s dream man. Neither twin wants to tell the other about her new boyfriend.

After showing Scott the high school and then having dinner with him, Jessica goes home and discovers her lavaliere is missing. Ned later finds the lavaliere, along with a note that says “Such a lovely young neck,” in an envelope with his name on it. He calls the private investigator he’s had watching the twins. His name is Jim Battaglia and he tells Ned that Jessica has been seeing a guy, but he doesn’t look anything like the mug shot Jim received (Marin intercepted the real mug shot and replaced it with someone else’s). Jim offers to investigate the boyfriend, but Ned says not to bother since he’s “no different from the other hundred or so that she’s been out with in the last year.”

The days go by and nothing much happens. Jessica secretly goes out with Scott, Liz secretly goes out with Ben, Marin sends Ned threatening notes, Ned freaks out. The twins are being followed and watched by at least two men, one having been hired by Marin and one by Ned’s P.I. We’re not supposed to know which is which. Then one day Jim calls and tells Ned that Marin’s been taken into custody. He had a lavaliere on him. Yeah, right. You know it’s the wrong guy.

The twins are locking up the café the next night. Jessica sees a man with a knife in the storage room. She screams and the guy runs away. They call the police and then go down to the station. The cops have them pick the guy out of a lineup, but the guy they pick is “Marin,” who’s been in jail since the night before. The cops finally figure out the guy they have isn’t Marin, but some guy named Pilchard. Marin hired him to watch the twins and gave him Jessica’s necklace as part of his payment. Ned, intending to demand how the mugshot got mixed up, drives to Jim’s house and finds the P.I. dead. There’s a note from Marin next to the body.

On the way home from the police station, Liz tells Jessica about Ben and asks her to cover for her while she goes sailing with him. Later that night, Jessica is confronted by Ned and a couple cops. They tell her about Marin and show her Marin’s picture and she’s all, “Don’t be silly, that’s my new boyfriend!” It finally sinks in that her new boyfriend is a murderer, but she still insists that Liz’s secret boyfriend is someone different altogether. Jane the waitress is the only one who’s seen Ben, so they find her at the Beach Disco and she confirms that the guy in the mugshot is Ben.

Liz and Marin are about to make out on “Ben’s” boat when a Coast Guard boat carrying Ned, Jessica and some cops shows up. Marin threatens Liz with a knife and there’s a struggle. Liz gets away from him and somehow falls overboard. Jessica seems to be the only one who notices, so she jumps off the Coast Guard boat to rescue her. In the end, Marin manages to escape in a dinghy and later the cops find evidence that he’s been eaten by sharks. But of course he wasn’t. He’s hiding in the Wakefields’ basement. After the twins go to sleep, Marin goes to their room to kill them, but Ned comes along and knocks him out the window. The cop outside says Marin is going back to jail. Yeah, right. If he was, I wouldn’t have a whole second book to read in this miniseries.

Quotes:

Elizabeth tried to listen, but she found herself focusing on Todd’s neat, conservative haircut, his wholesome good looks, and his mall-store rugby shirt. He was so ordinary…For the first time, Elizabeth realized just how unsophisticated her boyfriend really was.

Ugh, you are such a snob.

Jessica: The money isn’t what’s important!

Lila: Bite your tongue!

Your daily dose of Lila.

The Cover: Awesome floppy nineties hair, John! Love it. The best part of this cover is the clippings on the wall. Most of them are whatever, but you can clearly see the covers of Jessica Quits the Squad and Murder in Paradise. Up at the top you can see Marin in his twin-tailored personalities – the poet sailor with Liz and the movie guy with Jessica.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: One week of cheerleading and Liz’s life is ruined.

The Big Deal: Regional cheerleading competition, party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Jessica is still upset about not being a cheerleader anymore, so Ken suggests she start her own squad. She gets Maria, Sandy and Lila on board, and then Patty Gilbert and Jade Wu because they can dance. Jessica really wants Liz on the squad, even though cheerleading goes against all her feministic ideals. Lila bets Jessica that she won’t be able to get Liz to join, and then has to buy the new squad’s uniforms when Jessica blackmails Liz, saying she’ll tell Todd about Liz’s fling with Ken if she doesn’t pick up some pom-poms and get to cheering.

Jessica gets a pretty good turnout at her first practice, but she kind of freaks out when she tells the girls to work on herkies and nobody knows what she’s talking about. She’s all worked up because Heather’s squad is going to regionals and Jessica only has a week to make her squad good enough to qualify. Liz hates everything about it, but after an argument with Heather, she decides to give it her all and help Jessica out. A few days later, Jessica tries to sit with Amy, Annie and Jean (Helen seems to have disappeared again) at lunch, but they tell her Heather doesn’t want them to be friends with Jessica, and might even kick them off the squad if they’re seen talking to her.

George Herkie

Liz gets pages and pages of inner dialogue. “Blah, blah, Ken. Blah, blah, Todd.” She’s so confused about her feelings, and the only way she can make out with Todd one night is to pretend he’s Ken. Then she feels terribly guilty for doing that and cries some more and wonders if she’s still in love with Ken and more blah blah blah and for the fuck of shit (™), would you just stop your whining already? Jeez. At a cheerleading practice, Liz is so upset that Ken is there to see Jessica and not her that she suddenly runs and does a round-off and two back handsprings. Seriously? Okay. I used to dance and tumble and all that good stuff and I know there’s just no way that this chick who sits around writing for the newspaper, never doing anything more physical than swimming at the occasional pool party, can possibly pull this kind of tumbling run out of her ass like this. Fucking Wakefield twins. They have to be good at everything. Sorry. The damned Wakefield twins get my Irish up sometimes.

A week goes by. Heather watches Jessica’s squad practice and is surprised to see they’re actually good. She tells Amy it’s too bad that only one squad from each school can go to regionals and the original squad was already chosen. When Jessica finds out, she calls the scout, Mr. Jenkins, to try to get him to reconsider. He says no, so Jessica gets her squad together and they all drive out to Mr. Jenkins’ house in Bridgewater and perform their routine on his front yard. He’s very impressed, but still won’t send them to regionals since he already gave the spot to Heather. Dejected, the girls drive back to Sweet Valley. They hear on the radio that Sweet Valley is losing the football game currently going on. Jessica figures that since they’re already in uniform, they should stop by and put on a show. Jessica goes to the sound booth and gives the girl there the tape with her routine’s music on it and says to play it at halftime. They perform better than ever while Heather, Amy, Annie and Jean stand on the sidelines looking like idiots. Of course, Sweet Valley goes on to win the game.

The whole school ends up at the Dairi Burger after the game. After Amy screams at Jessica for embarrassing her and then leaves, everyone else tells Jessica how awesome her squad was. Everyone thinks hers should be the official Sweet Valley squad, so Jessica goes to talk to Mr. Cooper about it on Monday. Old Chrome Dome says the two squads can hold a cheer-off the next day.

More of Liz worrying about Ken. She decides she has to tell Todd about her fling, but before she can do it, Todd starts going on about how happy Jessica and Ken seem to be and what a good friend Ken is. Liz decides she simply can’t tell Todd about her and Ken.

The day of the cheer-off, Amy apologizes to Jessica for everything and says she still wants to be friends, no matter which squad wins. The cheer-off results in a tie, but Mr. Jenkins is there and he says Sweet Valley can go to regionals if the two squads merge. Both Jessica and Heather hate that idea and they decide nobody is going to regionals.

The rest of the cheerleaders really want to go so they come up with a plan. They go to Jessica and Heather separately and tell each that the other has stepped down as captain so the squads can merge. They get to practicing, but the two captains can’t stop fighting. When they get to the competition and start warming up, Heather and Jessica have another argument and start to walk off, but Amy and Liz tell them to shut the fuck up or go home, the rest of the squad is performing either way. Jessica and Heather call a truce. Just before the squad is about to go on, Ken puts his arms around Liz, thinking she’s Jessica, and wishes her luck. Heather sees them, but doesn’t say anything.

Sweet Valley wins the competition. Are you totally surprised? I know I am. When the judges announce “co-captains Heather Mallone and Jessica Wakefield,” both girls get all pissed off again and try to quit (because they hadn’t already figured out they were tricked). Once again, Liz and Amy step in and tell them to shut the fuck up and go get the fucking trophy.

That night, Liz pretends to be Jessica so she can go out with Ken. As soon as they start making out, though, Liz realizes she really wants Todd and Ken realizes he’s kissing Liz. They have a long talk about their feelings. Ken says he was drawn to Jessica at first because she looked like Liz, but he really is in love with her. Liz and Ken decide to go to Todd’s house together and explain everything.

Lila is throwing a party to celebrate winning regionals. Heather comes up to Jessica and says she saw Ken and Liz getting pretty friendly at the competition earlier. Jessica races home and notices her brand new outfit is missing. She calls Todd, but he says Liz decided to stay home that night. Jessica figures out that Liz is out with Ken and she’s super pissed. When Liz and Ken get to Todd’s house to tell him the truth, Jessica is already there with Liz’s diary. Neither Todd nor Jessica wants to speak to Liz or Ken.

Quotes:

“Girls should play sports on their own, not just sit on the sidelines cheering on the guys!”

Shut up, Liz. Cheerleading is a sport, yabitch.

“What drew me to Jessica at first was the fact that she was your identical twin sister. I could almost pretend she was you.”

My god, this whole fucking town is so unhealthy. The twins really need to stop making out with the same boys.

The Cover: Liz (I think) looks like she’s having an awful lot of fun jumping around with her pom-poms while all the brunettes are shoved into the background. That must be Heather and possibly Amy spying on Jessica’s squad and pointing at them.

The Moral of the Story: Anyone prettier than a Wakefield must be evil.

The Big Deal: Beach barbecue, party at Amy’s, party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

After yet another win for the Sweet Valley High football team, the whole gang gathers at the Dairi Burger, where everyone congratulates Jessica and the other cheerleaders on what a great job they did leading the team to victory. Everyone gets quiet when a really pretty girl walks in, orders some food and leaves. As soon as she’s gone, everyone starts talking about how beautiful she was. Jessica hates the girl instantly and hopes she never sees her again. Later, at a celebratory party on the beach, Ken and Jessica start making out. Liz sees them and does not approve. She’s all jealous and wonders if she still has feelings for Ken.

When Jessica gets to school on Monday, she finds out the pretty girl from the Dairi Burger is a new student. Her name is Heather Mallone and everyone besides Jessica is immediately in love with her. When Heather says she wants to be on the cheerleading squad, Jessica decides to come up with a bunch of tests she’ll have to pass. On Tuesday, Heather has to sit with the chess club geeks at lunch (they help her with her homework and become friends with her). On Wednesday, she has to wear overalls and a cowboy hat to school (everyone tells her how great it is that she wears what she wants and that she can really pull off “that grunge look that’s so in style these days”). On Thursday, she has to sing the national anthem in homeroom (she has a beautiful voice and everyone wants to hear her sing more songs). After all that, the squad puts it to a vote and Jessica tries really hard to convince everyone Heather shouldn’t be on the squad. Nobody listens to her.

Liz is still freaking out about the Ken situation. She goes to Mr. Collins for advice, using the old “my friend has a problem” bit. Mr. Collins says Liz’s “friend” needs to resolve her feelings for the guy, but Liz just isn’t sure how to do that. She goes to the beach and finds Robin there. Robin is upset because her father got a job transfer to Denver and the Wilsons have to move. When the rest of the squad finds out, they take a vote and make Heather the new co-captain while Jessica sits there sputtering in protest.

Liz can’t get over this whole thing with Ken, so she tries to make Jessica paranoid about him, implying that he might not like her as much as she thinks. Jessica dismisses everything Liz says. Amy throws a going away party for Robin, and Heather shows up and starts flirting with Ken. Jessica “accidentally” knocks Heather into the pool. Liz watches Ken and Jessica dance and gets jealous. God, she’s obnoxious.

Jessica comes down with a fever and has to miss a cheerleading practice. Maria calls that night crying because Heather kicked her and Sandy off the squad. Jessica is sure the other girls won’t stand for this, but Heather has them brainwashed into thinking she can take them to nationals if they’ll just do everything she says. Heather introduces a new diet and exercise regime. She says the girls have to jog three miles every day, lift weights for an hour every day and cut all fat out of their diets. Anyone caught eating fat will be kicked off the squad. Jessica can’t believe the rest of the squad goes along with this.

Liz sits at home Friday night looking through her secret cigar box full of treasures. In this box is a framed picture of Liz and Ken kissing in a photo booth. Liz is mooning over it and being all sad when Jessica comes home. She tries to tell Liz all about her awesome date with Ken, but Liz freaks out and leaves the room. Confused, Jessica lies back on Liz’s bed and finds the picture under the pillow.

The next day is a big football game, and Jessica is horrified when the cheerleaders start doing a cheer she’s never seen before. She yells at Heather and tells everyone she quits. Ken drags her out for ice cream later and tries to get her to go to the party Lila’s having, but Jessica is upset about the squad and about Ken kissing Liz, so she asks him to take her home. While Liz is at the party, Jessica snoops around until she finds Liz’s diary. She reads all about Ken and gets all upset that Ken and Liz had “an affair.”

Quotes:

“She’s certainly creating a big stir,” Helen Bradley said…

I thought Helen Bradley moved to L.A. a long, long time ago. Didn’t Amy Sutton move into Helen’s old house?

“As you know, I’m not crazy about Jessica…”

This is the second or third time Todd has said something like this. Methinks he doth protest too much.

“As you know, I don’t usually pay much attention to cheerleading, but I did notice that the crowds were more enthusiastic than usual at yesterday’s game.”

Shut up, Liz. Something about this quote just irks the hell out of me.

The Cover: I really kind of love Heather for putting her pom in front of Jessica’s face.