Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: Homecoming is the best time to start making out with your ex-boyfriend’s best friend.

The Big Deal: Homecoming

Synopsis:

Conner’s father has left him alone pretty much all weekend, and Conner’s annoyed by his lack of interest. He goes to a park and drinks the bottle of vodka he had in his trunk, and then he goes to the bar where he and his dad got drunk together the other night. He’s feeling pretty good until some redneck puts a country song on the jukebox. Conner flips out and tries to attack the guy, but he’s too drunk and his swing totally misses. The bartender shoves him into a booth where he just sort of puts his head down and spaces out for a while, and a little while later his father comes and drags him away. He puts him in a car, and then Conner blacks out.

Conner wakes up the next morning in a hospital bed. His father looks disgusted as he explains that Conner drank so much he got alcohol poisoning and could have died. The boy finally gets it through his fat head that he has a problem, and he calls his mother and tells her he’s coming home and wants to check into rehab.

Back in Sweet Valley, Liz is sitting around feeling sorry for herself and avoiding Evan’s calls because she doesn’t know what to say to him. Jessica is angry about all the time Liz has been spending with Evan because she doesn’t think Liz should be pursuing a guy Jessica used to date. Yeah, because Jessica has never done that to Liz. Liz keeps trying to tell herself she doesn’t like Evan that way.

Homecoming is just around the corner and Liz is on the planning committee with Jessica, but quits after Jessica yells at her about Evan. Maria quits because she’d rather mope about her breakup with Ken. Tia tries to quit because she doesn’t want to hang out with Liz after their fight about Evan, but Jessica tells her Liz isn’t on the committee anymore so Tia won’t have to deal with her.

A Wakefield family dinner is interrupted by the doorbell. Liz is shocked to see Conner at the door. She invites him in and he tells her he’s going to rehab. He leans toward her like he’s going to kiss her or something, and she instinctively backs away. She realizes she doesn’t love him anymore and wants him to leave. Conner seems to sense something like that, so he tells her they should take a break. Even though she agrees, Liz is of course pissed off that he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. Whatever.

Tia and Liz apologize to each other, and Tia sort of gives Liz and Evan her blessing. So when Evan asks Liz to the homecoming dance, she accepts. She tells Jessica she’s going with him and can’t figure out why Jessica is so mad. Jessica says she’d been planning on asking Evan to the dance and now she has to go dateless.

Will is still sulking about his knee and refusing to go back to school or let Melissa come over. She finally gets fed up when she calls and his mother says he’s not there even though Melissa can hear him in the background saying he doesn’t want to talk to her. She hangs up, and then Ken calls. He asks her to go to homecoming – just as friends – and Melissa thinks it’s a great way to get back at Will for being such a jackass.

There’s some boring stuff about Andy not doing well in school again and also getting all whiny about the fact that Conner only went to see Liz and Tia in person to tell them he was back and going to rehab, and didn’t come to see Andy at all. In the end, Conner sends Andy an email to apologize that he didn’t have time before leaving for the clinic, and also for blowing him off when Andy came to him with his concerns about being gay. Andy is placated.

Tia, Andy and Jessica go to prom together and have a nice friendly time. Jeremy shows up with Jade, but she’s freaking weird and she spends the whole night dancing with everyone but him. Jessica notices Jeremy standing by himself and goes over to talk to him. She doesn’t want to be a bitch, so she tries to tell him to work things out with Jade even though she really wants him for herself. So selfless. Of course, Jeremy is sickened by the way Jade’s acting and doesn’t even care about her anymore, and he’s bummed that Jessica is so obviously over him. Ugh. Liz and Evan dance together and then kiss in the middle of the dance floor.

The Cover: Liz is brooding, I guess. You know, ‘cause she’s Falling Apart.

The Moral of the Story: Talking about your feelings is no fun. Try to make the boy guess what you want from him.

Synopsis:

So of course Conner isn’t putting up with some crappy intervention. He walks right out the door, gets back in his car and drives off while Tia chases him down the street. When he gets home that night, he goes to his closet for his vodka bottle (hello, Mrs. Sandborn, maybe you should check your alcoholic son’s room for alcohol). Stuck to the bottom of the bottle is a postcard that must have been on the closet floor. Conner’s father sent it to him after he left eleven years ago. The postcard is from Red Bluff, which is only a four hour drive away. Conner takes off to find his father first thing the next morning, but leaves a note for Megan telling her not to worry. Megan goes to school and shows the note to Liz and the gang. When Andy finds out, he can’t help thinking what a jerk Conner is, putting his friends and family through so much crap. But when he says something to that effect, everyone is all taken aback and offended. Because Conner is just, like, so cool, you know?

Andy is pretty well fed up with his friends because he really needs to talk to someone about his own problems. He wants to tell his parents he’s gay, but he doesn’t know how to do it and it’s stressing him out. When people see him looking haggard, they just assume he’s upset about Conner, and when he tries to broach the subject with Liz and Evan, they tell him they don’t care that he’s gay, nothing’s changed. Well, Andy feels like he has changed and nobody will talk to him about it, goddammit.

Six comes up to Andy after a meeting of the Outdoors Club and asks him what’s wrong. When she says it sounds like Conner’s being flaky, Andy knows this is someone he can actually talk to. He tells her he’s gay and she says all the right things. She gives him some advice about telling his parents, and Andy goes home feeling better than he has in weeks. Good job, Six. Andy finally works up the nerve to talk to his parents, and they’re incredibly understanding. Hooray for Sweet Valley’s first set of decent parents!

Jade tells her mom about Jeremy, and Ms. Wu thinks it must be serious because Jade is acting like she actually cares about the guy. Then Jade drops off a present for Jeremy at House of Java, and one of the guys there teases her about how serious the relationship is. Jade is annoyed because she’s a party girl who doesn’t get serious. She and Jeremy go to a party together and she tells herself the standoffish way Jeremy is acting is totally what she wants in a guy. After a while she realizes she’s just kidding herself and she really wants to be Jeremy’s girlfriend. They go out to celebrate the two week anniversary of their first date, but Jeremy thinks it’s a joke while Jade is totally serious. She buys a sexy black dress and new earrings, and she’s confused when Jeremy just takes her to First and Ten and then home. They give each other cards and then Jeremy goes home. Jade’s note is long and mushy and says she wants to be Jeremy’s girlfriend. Jeremy’s note says, “These have been the best two weeks of my life – or was it three? Whatever. Let’s do it again sometime.” When Jade reads that and realizes Jeremy isn’t anywhere near as serious about her as she is about him.

Conner finds his dad’s name in Red Bluff’s phone book and goes to his house and knocks on the door. Mr. McDermott doesn’t recognize him, of course, and he doesn’t really know how to act when Conner tells him who he is. He asks after Conner’s mom and then tells Conner he can crash with him for a little while. Conner’s okay with the less than Kodak moment reception because the only reason he’s really here is to get away from El Carro. He and his dad end up going to a bar and getting drunk together, so Conner figures he made the right choice in coming to Red Bluff.

Liz has been a wreck since Conner took off, and Evan has been there to offer support whenever she needs it. Tia says something about all the time Liz and Evan are spending together, and Liz totally goes off on her and says they’re just friends, not like Tia and Conner were supposed to be just friends when they made out. Tia gets pissed and goes to Andy’s to vent. Andy has had enough. He tells her to shut up and that he told his parents he was gay without any support from his so-called friends. Tia feels terrible and takes Andy to House of Java, where she asks him all about what his parents said and lets him talk about himself for the rest of the night. Well, isn’t that magnanimous of her.

Evan and Liz go to a movie and then for ice cream and it’s all just wonderful. When he takes her home, Evan leans across the car to open Liz’s door for her, and that’s when Liz realizes she wants nothing more than to kiss him. She goes in for the kiss, but then freaks out and runs inside.

The Cover: This cover is a little different. Most of them are posed shots of someone looking directly at the camera. I don’t know what’s going on here, but Jeremy sure looks like he’s having a good time.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: You can only fuck around on your boyfriend for so long before he finally gets sick of it. In this case, fifteen years.

The Big Deal: Junior Prom

Synopsis:

Devon corners Liz at the beach and yells at her for skipping their date to meet Todd. Then he tells her he’s the one who asked her to come to the beach because he wanted to see which guy she’d choose. Liz tells him she just wanted to return Todd’s ring. Devon immediately starts apologizing and Liz decides to forgive him.

Suddenly, it’s prom night. Devon calls and leaves a message with Jessica for Liz to meet him at some restaurant instead of at Secca Lake like they’d planned. Predictably, Jessica forgets to pass on the message and Liz ends up waiting around for an hour for Devon to show up at the lake. Why isn’t he picking her up at home? I love a good plot contrivance. Todd shows up at the lake. He wanted to go there because it’s “their” place. Liz is touched and confused and stuff, but after waiting so long for Devon, she decides to just go to the prom with Todd.

Meanwhile, Jessica’s limo pulls up at Jordan’s house. Right next to Lila’s limo. They spot each other and race to the front door. When Jordan answers the doorbell, he’s wearing boxers and eating a chili dog. He tells Lila and Jessica they’re a couple of morons for going behind each other’s backs. Then he slams the door in their faces. For some reason, this makes Jessica remember Devon’s message for Liz. She goes to the restaurant, planning to explain herself to Devon, but when she sees him looking all lonely and sad, she can’t help but pretend to be Liz. She figures they can go to Lila’s pre-prom party together, and then when they get to the dance, she and Liz can switch dresses and Devon will never know the difference.

Everything is going just great at Lila’s party except black Maria keeps giving Jessica and Devon weird looks. Enid looks absolutely miserable with Blubber Johnson and Devon keeps suggesting “Liz” go talk to her, but Jessica changes the subject. When everyone is leaving to go to the dance, Courtney Kane shows up. She stomps up the driveway and demands to know where Todd is. He apparently called her and said he decided not to go to the prom, but Courtney is sure he’s with Liz. Lila says nobody’s seen him, but Courtney is welcome to accompany her to the prom to see if he shows up. In the limo, Devon and Jessica flirt a whole bunch and Jessica decides she’s not going to give him back to Liz.

Liz and Todd go straight from the lake to the country club ballroom, reminiscing about old times the whole way. Which I imagine goes something like this: “Hey, remember that time you cheated on me with my sister?” “Which time?” They’re the first ones at the dance and they decide to have a spin around the dance floor before anyone else get there. And of course that’s when the whole crew comes in and sees them together. Courtney screams, “I can’t take this anymore!” and runs out of the room. Everyone else looks on in shock because they think it’s Jessica dancing with Todd. Liz is pretty shocked herself to see Jessica and Devon together. Jessica drags Liz away and comes up with the worst plan ever: Jessica will hang out with Devon and pretend to be Liz all night while Liz enjoys her prom night with Todd. How is this a good plan? So there are two Elizabeths and no Jessicas at this prom? Whatever. They’re not even trying anymore.

Jessica has a great time with Devon, but then Lila drags her off to the bathroom, where she threatens to tell Devon the truth. She’s miserable because she doesn’t have a date, so she wants to spread the misery around. They argue for a minute and then Lila says Jessica’s not worth the effort. After they leave the bathroom, Courtney comes out of a stall feeling like an evil genius. While Jessica talks to some of the cheerleaders, Courtney tells Devon he’s been dancing with Jessica all night. Devon is pissed. He marches over to Todd and Liz and makes a scene. Both Devon and Todd are completely disgusted with the twins. Liz runs out of the room in tears.

Jessica finally decides to come back to the ballroom, and Lila catches her and tells her Devon and Todd found out what was happening and that Liz wants to talk to her and is waiting in the golf shed. Jessica runs off that way, but she doesn’t know that Lila and Courtney are working together to bring the twins down. Liz is actually in the pool house crying to Enid and black Maria. Lila runs in and tells Liz that Jessica wants to talk in the golf shed, and she’s aggravated when Enid and Maria insist on going with her. While Courtney is locking the twins, Enid and Maria in the shed, Lila goes on to do the rest of her job. She’s supposed to convince Todd and Devon to get on the party yacht the school is renting.

Maria’s date, Tyler, and Blubber Johnson find the girls and Blubber breaks down the door. Well, that’s one upside to dating a football player. They run to the dock and get there just as the yacht starts sailing away. They get hold of a speedboat and go after it. I don’t really get what they’re going to do when they get to it, but we never get to find out because as soon as they get close, they see Courtney push Todd overboard. So she’s not just a bitch, she’s also homicidal. Liz jumps in and saves Todd. Once he’s on the speedboat, he thanks Liz for saving his life, but tells her he doesn’t ever want to see her again.

Quotes:

Todd’s jaw tightened. “You heard me. I don’t want to see you anymore. I can’t let you keep playing with me the way you have been.” He closed his eyes, and when he spoke again, his voice sounded distant and harsh, not at all like Todd. “I won’t play the fool anymore, Liz.”

Todd’s breakup speech.

The Cover: Doesn’t Lila look like some kind of dominatrix back there? Or, like, a madam keeping an eye on her girls?

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: If your girlfriend cheats on you and you want to win her back, start making out with another girl.

The Big Deal: Science fair

Synopsis:

After Jessica tells Todd that Liz and Devon are making out on the softball field at school, she puts her hand on his in a suggestive way and offers to fool around with him to get back at Liz. Todd is horrified at the idea. He doesn’t believe his sweet, loyal Liz would ever, ever cheat on him, so he leaves Jessica with the food and races over to the high school to see for himself. When Todd gets to school and sees Liz and Devon together, he decides he will win Liz back. Um, hello? Let the bitch go.

Jessica starts scheming. She figures if she can get Todd to start going out with someone else, Liz will break up with Devon so she can get Todd back, leaving Devon free for Jessica. She decides to get in touch with Courtney Kane and do a little matchmaking.

Since Lila is friends with Courtney, Jessica lets her in on the plan and the three of them get together. Courtney is perfectly willing to be Todd’s rebound chick, so she lets Jessica and Lila give her a makeover so she looks more “soft” and “refined.” More like Liz, in other words, and less skanky. Then they parade her in front of Todd, and he starts to wonder if Jessica is on the right track with this revenge idea. But no, he’d rather cry about Liz and try to win her back by giving her the ring he bought for her. Liz puts it in her jewelry box, and Jessica takes it, figuring it will come in handy.

The next part of Jessica’s plan is to get Devon to notice her again. To that end, she makes sure to bump into him while she’s walking down the hall reading her chemistry book. She tells him she’s having trouble in the subject and he plays right into her hands by offering to help her after school. They meet in the library for about two seconds before Jessica gets pissed because Devon makes some comment about not being surprised she sucks at chemistry. Jessica yells at him and tells him to watch out for Liz because she’s a fickle bitch. Much like destiny.

You know what I'm talking about, Lost fans.

Later, Jessica makes sure Courtney is waiting for Todd after basketball practice. While they’re talking, Jessica, pretending to be Liz, walks across the parking lot. She turns to Todd, sees him with Courtney, reaches into her pocket and puts on Todd’s ring, and then waves at Todd before turning around. Todd is at first excited that Liz seems interested in him again, but then he gets mad that she didn’t want him back until she saw him with Courtney. This pisses him off more than Liz kissing Devon did. And somehow Jessica knew it would. Todd and Courtney leave to go grab some pizza, and Jessica follows them to Guido’s. She calls Liz and asks her to meet her there, and Liz get to the restaurant just in time to see Todd and Courtney making out. Liz runs out the door in horror, but then she starts thinking about things and decides she’s really happy for Todd and she’s going to do whatever it takes to make sure his new relationship works out. That way she’ll be free to be with Devon without feeling guilty.

Then there’s the whole science fair thing. Devon and Liz are going to enter because they’re lab partners. Jessica wants to enter, and she’s sure that Devon will fall madly in love with her if she wins. Unfortunately, Bruce is her lab partner and the best idea they come up with is a volcano. At the fair, Devon is acting all weird and doesn’t really want to win. He didn’t want to enter in the first place, something about people at his old school only knowing him as a smart guy. Yeah, who wants that? When he finds out that somebody (Jessica) ruined his and Liz’s project, he thinks it’s great. Meanwhile, Todd is walking around with Courtney, totally fed up with her snobbishness, and Jessica and Bruce’s volcano blows up.

The next morning, Jessica mentions something to Liz about the ring Todd gave her. Liz decides to give it back to him so he can give it to Courtney. How very noble of her. Liz calls Todd and then goes off to meet him at the Dairi Burger. They get to talking about the ring, and Todd says he saw her wearing it that one day after school. Liz says she never wore it and doesn’t know what he’s talking about. They realize Jessica’s been messing with them both this whole time. As they talk about how much they still care about each other, they hold hands.

Aren't they cute together?

Of course, that’s when Jessica comes in with Courtney and Devon. Devon and Todd start yelling and threatening each other in their cool-guy way, and then out of nowhere, Todd gets down on one knee and asks Liz to marry him. I wish I was kidding. Liz is horrified. So is Devon. He grabs Todd and the two of them start going at it. A couple of football players come break up the fight. Liz goes home and locks herself in her room, disgusted with everyone.

Fight!

Quotes:

Elizabeth would never do this to me, he reassured himself. She would never cheat on me.

What in your experience together would lead you to this line of thinking?

She couldn’t help thinking that Todd never wanted to watch the same movies as she did anymore. They used to watch old classics together all the time. But now he seemed to prefer action movies or psychological thrillers.

Liz, Todd is a dude. You can’t expect him to just watch Casablanca over and over again for the rest of his life.

“How about if we paint it purple?” Jessica suggested. “We could even add tiny yellow flowers or moons.”

Bruce shook his head. “Jessica, volcanoes are brown. And they don’t have little moons on them.”

“Brown?” Jessica asked in alarm. “You want to paint it brown?”

Jessica, seriously, are you still twelve years old?

The Cover: Does the Dairi Burger have a pool table? Nobody has ever mentioned that before. And who the hell are these people? Neither one of these guys look like the Devon from the previous covers.

The Moral of the Story: Sometimes being the hot twin just isn’t enough.

The Big Deal: Party at Bruce’s house

Synopsis:

Devon has registered for classes and is starting school at Sweet Valley High. His first class is chemistry, and he’s excited that Liz will be his lab partner. He hasn’t been able to stop thinking about her since he saw her at the football game last week. Even the school blowing up after the game didn’t make him forget about her. Liz doesn’t know that Devon has tested at genius level in chemistry, so she’s surprised and delighted when he starts mixing solutions that match the color of her eyes. Liz thinks he’s so cute and smart and dreamy, she has to keep reminding herself that she already has a super hunky boyfriend.

For the next few books, the part of Elizabeth Wakefield will be played by Rory Gilmore. Dean Forrester will play Todd.

Jessica has also noticed Devon and has decided he should be her boyfriend. She prances up to him at lunchtime and declares herself his tour guide, but Devon is staring past her at Liz and doesn’t pay much attention. Jessica figures that just means she’ll have to try harder. The next day in chemistry class, Devon writes Liz a message in invisible ink and challenges her to figure out how to reveal it. To nobody’s surprise except Liz’s, the message is a request for a date. Liz actually does the right thing and tells Devon she has a boyfriend. Devon’s not ready to give up, so the next day, he gives Liz a bunch of paper flowers. Liz is flattered and really wishes she could be with Devon, but she’s promised Jessica she would put in a good word for her. However, it’s clear Devon has no interest in Jessica and she’s starting to get pissed.

If you’re wondering where Todd is while all this is going on, he’s preparing a super awesome surprise for Liz to celebrate the one year anniversary of the first time she had an article printed in the Oracle. This surprise involves wacky antics as Todd attempts to make a raspberry truffle cake and gets cake batter all over the kitchen. He has to call Enid for help. He decides he’d better stay home on Friday night to prepare for the big day, so when Liz calls and asks him to hang out, he has to turn her down. Then Devon calls Liz on the other line and asks her if she’ll study with him. Liz accepts. As a friend, of course.

Jessica invites Devon to a party at Bruce’s house Friday night, saying all the best people will be there, strictly A-list. Devon doesn’t care, and instead of going to the party he puts on a fireworks show for Liz at the softball field. Then he tells her she doesn’t belong with Todd anymore, she belongs with him. He tells her he’ll be at the Box Tree Café the next night at eight and he hopes she’ll meet him there.

Jessica comes home from Bruce’s party totally pissed off that Devon never showed and all her friends made fun of her for getting stood up. She asks Liz if she ever got a chance to talk to Devon about her, and for some reason Liz tells Jessica that Devon will be waiting for her the next night at the Box Tree Café. Then she gets all emo about giving up her chance to be with Devon. I totally don’t get what she’s thinking. Jessica is confused when Devon calls her Elizabeth, but she doesn’t want to show it. She starts kissing him and he somehow realizes he has the wrong twin and tells her he’s not interested. Jessica is pissed. She can’t believe Devon would turn her down and she can’t believe Liz would set her up this way. When she gets home, she rubs the date in Liz’s face, telling her it was fabulous.

Jessica is supposed to get Liz to the beach on Monday after school so Todd can surprise her with his ridiculous Oracle anniversary celebration. He’s got food and music and sparkling cider and presents. I think he’s lost his mind, for real. Liz never shows up at Jessica’s locker because she’s so depressed about Devon and doesn’t want to hear Jessica talk about him anymore. She wanders out to the softball field. Devon finds her, and after she apologizes for Saturday night, they start making out. Jessica finds them and is furious. She goes to the beach and tells Todd that Liz is cheating on him with Devon.

Jess Mariano will play Devon.

Quotes:

“Next Monday will be the one-year anniversary of the day that Liz had her first article published in the Oracle. I can’t believe she hasn’t said anything to you about it.”

Yeah, Todd. I can’t believe it either…Weirdo.

She had given up her chance to be with Devon, the most exciting and wonderful guy she had ever met. But she had no other choice, did she?

UGH, Liz, you are not married. You are sixteen. You always have a choice!

“I could easily use you, Jessica, and then throw you away,” [Devon] said bitterly. He gave his words a moment to sink in. “But that’s not the way I work.”

What are you even talking about? I really didn’t mind Devon until this little nugget of smug.

The Cover: I hate these photo covers! This scene never happens in the book. What is this?

Synopsis:

Todd cancels a date on a Friday night and Liz thinks their relationship must be going down the tubes. She decides to read her diary:

#71: Starring Jessica – Liz feels all sad and jealous when Jessica gets chosen to be on television and also turns in a perfect article for The Oracle. She’s also bored with Todd.

#72: Rock Star’s Girl – Liz sees a really cute guy on the beach a few times checking her out and wants to meet him. They finally speak to each other. His name is Sam Woodruff and he saw Jessica on television and wanted to meet her, but then saw her at the Dairi Burger one day with Todd. Liz explains that Jessica was the one on television, and then she says she and Todd are just friends. She and Sam have a couple dates.

#73: Regina’s Legacy – Liz tries to forget about Sam as she uncovers a drug ring.

#74: The Perfect Girl – Liz tells herself she can’t see Sam anymore, and then goes and makes out with him anyway. Then she acts like she can’t believe she’s cheating on Todd. Seriously?

#75: Amy’s True Love – Tom McKay is gay and Liz wants to tell Sam about Todd. Sam tells Liz he loves her.

#76: Miss Teen Sweet Valley – Liz finally breaks things off with Sam, then gets all worked up about the beauty pageant. She wonders if she’s so upset about the pageant because she’s “taking the moral high road to compensate for cheating with Sam.”

#77: Cheating to Win – Todd is a whiny bitch and it makes Liz want to see Sam again. They get together at the beach and make out. Then Sam sees Liz kissing Todd one day at the Dairi Burger and he tells her to fuck off.

#78: The Dating Game – Liz is really upset when Sam ignores her at the Dairi Burger and the Beach Disco but starts checking out Jessica.

#79: The Long-Lost Brother – This book is skipped completely.

#80: The Girl They Both Loved – Sam starts dating Jessica. Liz thinks he’s just trying to get back at her for hurting him. He assures her he’s really just crazy about Jessica. Liz thinks she can never be totally happy with Todd as long as Sam and Jessica are together.

#81: Rosa’s Lie – Sam calls and Liz pretends to be Jessica on the phone.

#82: Kidnapped by the Cult! – Jessica joins a cult. Liz and Sam have to work together to save her, then they decide they’re happy to just be friends.

In the present, Liz closes her diary and cries about the car crash that killed Sam. Then Todd stops by and explains he had to postpone their date so he could drive a couple hours up the coast to pick up the locket he ordered in honor of the anniversary of the first time Liz told Todd she loved him.

The Cover: I hate these weird photo covers. Nothing here correlates to anything actually in the book.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Um…vampires are real? That’s all I got.

The Big Deal: Just the end of Jonathan’s party

Synopsis:

So, yeah, Katrina’s pretty dead. The cops show up and question everyone. Enid stays after everyone else has gone and cleans the house, thinking that will make Jonathan love her again. She finally goes home, and then Jessica shows up. She and Jonathan make out and Jessica has some kind of vision of them flying or something. She wakes up the next morning having no idea how she got home. When she goes down to breakfast, she’s appalled when her parents ground the twins for going to Jonathan’s party. They’re with Jonathan for throwing the party in the first place since there’s a curfew in effect. They say the twins are to have nothing to do with him, but Jessica freaks out and convinces them to have Jonathan over for Sunday dinner.

Jonathan manages to charm the socks of the twins’ parents. Liz is disappointed; she was hoping they would hate him on sight. Speaking of Liz, she’s still stringing Joey along. Todd drove her home from Jonathan’s party and was about to tell her how much he missed her when he saw Joey’s car in the Wakefields’ driveway. Liz can hardly stand Joey, so I’m not sure why she’s even still hanging out with him. Who even cares?

Katrina Sutton’s funeral is the next day. Liz and Todd find themselves holding hands. Aww. After the service, Enid sits at Katrina’s grave and spills all her troubles to the dead girl. Then “someone” attacks her. These books are written in such a way that I’m pretty sure we’re not supposed to know Jonathan is the killer, but they totally fail at being tricky and suspenseful. Anyway, after Enid is attacked, Jonathan takes her to the hospital. I don’t really get what’s supposed to be wrong with her, but she’s in critical condition for the next week.

Enid’s attack, combined with the recent murders, has got the Sweet Valley gang in an uproar. They turn into vigilantes at lunch one day, shouting about how the murderer needs to be found and the police need to learn to do their jobs. They all start chanting, “Kill the killer! Kill the killer!” It’s a little weird.

Liz is at the hospital when Enid wakes up for a second, mumbles Jonathan’s name and then passes out again. For some reason, even though she knows Enid has been in love with Jonathan since he showed up, Liz thinks this means that Jonathan is the one that attacked her. The worst part is that she’s right, dammit. Liz can’t get anyone to believe her, but she does somehow get black Maria to go with her to search Jonathan’s house. She finds some books about vampires and takes them home. After reading them, she’s positive Jonathan is a vampire. She puts the book down when she hears something outside. She goes out the front door just in time to see Jonathan and Jessica riding away on Jonathan’s motorcycle. It’s way after midnight and Liz doesn’t know what to do. She calls Joey, who pretty much laughs at her and tells her to stop worrying. Liz doesn’t like that, so she calls Todd, who validates her fears and tells her to wake her parents. That’s what she does. Alice calls the police.

Jonathan takes Jessica to a cave on the beach. He starts to tell her his life story, but they’re interrupted when the police show up. They lecture Jessica and Jonathan for a while about how dangerous it is for them to be out so late, especially in this area, as the cave is quite possibly the killer’s lair. *facepalm* Ned and Alice ground Jessica indefinitely and tell her Jonathan Cain is off limits forever.

On Saturday night, Bruce has a meeting at his house to discuss what the kids are going to do about the murderer. Liz comes by to tell everyone she suspects Jonathan is a vampire. They believe her. Seriously. They work themselves into a frenzy and start chanting, “Kill the killer!” again. Liz gets a phone call from Enid’s mother, who tells her Enid finally woke up and said Jonathan was the one who saved her and brought her to the hospital. Now Liz is all confused. When she hangs up the phone, she finds everyone has left, including black Maria, her ride. She calls Joey and tells him she needs him to help her out. He’s pissed because she stood him up that night, so he tells her to fuck off. A round of applause for Joey, everyone. Todd didn’t leave with everyone else and is eavesdropping on Liz’s conversation. He’s more than happy to offer his assistance and Liz is more than happy to boss him around.

Todd and Liz find Jonathan’s cave. When they go inside, they find Jessica and Jonathan sitting around with weird, blank expressions on their faces. The angry mob is right behind them, and Todd tells Jonathan to get out while he can. Jonathan runs down the beach and disappears. A minute later, a big black bird swoops down over Jessica and then flies away before the angry mob of teenagers gets there, all disappointed that there’s no bad guy for them to kill.

Just so we’re clear, this isn’t like the crazy guy who thought he was a werewolf. Jonathan is actually a vampire.

Quotes:

Some party! Enid raged to herself. Katrina Sutton dropped dead, and Jessica stole Jonathan away from me. The night was a total bust.

Enid’s really gone off the deep end.

Elizabeth sat down on a lawn chair and closed her eyes. “It’s just that…I’m grounded.” Her face grew hot with embarrassment.

“Grounded!” Joey shrieked. “That’s so…high school!”

Joey’s kind of a douche. Except…

“Let me get this straight, Elizabeth. You and I supposedly had a date today, but you stood me up. Now you expect me to come running to Sweet Valley because you’re worried about your sister?”

…“This isn’t the time for games, Joey. I’m begging. Either you come and help me now, or it’s over between us.”

“OK,” he said. “If that’s the way you want it, then I guess it’s over.”

Dammit, the one guy who seems to be able to stand up to St. Liz is taking off.

The Cover: Well, that’s dramatic. I love the angry mob with their flashlights and implements of destruction.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: Jessica Wakefield always gets her man. Especially if Enid is her competition.

The Big Deal: Party at Jonathan’s creepy mansion

Synopsis:

Todd shows up at Liz’s house just in time to see her in Joey’s arms. He gets pissed and gets back in his car. Liz says they can fight later but they have to find Jessica right now. Todd is all, “Fuck off, bitch,” as he drives away. He goes home and rips up his pictures of Liz and decides he’s not going to be Mr. Nice Guy anymore. I really hope this means they’re breaking up for good. Joey and Liz jump in Joey’s car and she explains everything to him on the way to Secca Lake to see if the murder victim is Jessica.

It isn’t. We know this because Jessica is at this moment at Jonathan’s house making out with him. He stops kissing her and tells her to get the out “before it’s too late.” Jessica thinks he’s afraid he won’t be able to resist making out with her or something and just keeps flirting. Jonathan finally gives up and closes the front door. He starts making out with Jessica, but then tells her he can’t get involved with her and she’ll have to leave.

Enid is having Jonathan withdrawals. She drives to his house and curses the Wakefields when she sees the twins’ Jeep out front. She looks in the window and sees Jessica and Jonathan kissing. She gets all discouraged until Jessica runs out of the house, crying. Then she goes inside and Jonathan starts making out with her. This guy gets around. He starts sucking on Enid’s neck and that’s the last thing she remembers until she wakes up in the morning in her bed at home.

At school, good old Chrome Dome Cooper holds an assembly and says the girl who was murdered on Saturday night was a cheerleader from Palisades High. Sweet Valley is going to start enforcing a curfew: nobody under the age of eighteen is allowed out after ten o’clock. After the assembly, Jessica tries to tell Amy and Lila about her makeout session with Jonathan. They start giggling and tell her Jonathan gave Enid a hickey the same night. Ha, remember hickeys?

Todd dyes his hair black and joins the goth movement. Actually, all the guys want to look like Jonathan and have all started wearing black. Even Winston is doing it, though he makes a joke out of it all by wearing black tuxedo jackets with brightly colored ties. I’m starting to love Winston a little bit. The guys think the curfew is a total bummer and they decide to liven things up at SVH by getting Jonathan to throw a party. Jonathan says he doesn’t want to do that, but Todd and Bruce start inviting people anyway.

That night, Jonathan is pacing around his house, all upset because of his “hunger.” He wants Jessica, but she’s too important to him and it’s too dangerous. So he calls Enid and asks her to come over. ‘Cause it wouldn’t really matter if he accidentally killed her in a fit of vampire passion. Jessica calls but he tells her he’s sick. She decides to come over with some homemade chicken soup. This girl doesn’t even know how to do laundry, but she can make her own chicken soup. I’m so sure. When she gets there and sees Enid with her wild hair and smudged lipstick, she throws the thermos of soup at Jonathan and leaves. Enid tries to help him clean up the mess, but he gets pissed and tells her to get out. Jonathan is grateful to Jessica because if she hadn’t shown up, he would have hurt Enid. He’s one of those tortured vampires who really doesn’t want to kill anyone. He just can’t help it. A few nights later, Jessica can’t find Jasmine the cat. She goes outside and finds the cat’s dead body. Ewwww.

Liz has been going out with Joey ever since Todd found them together, but she isn’t sure she really likes him anymore. He’s acting all condescending ever since he started college. And he keeps taking Liz around Sweet Valley and showing her places like Miller’s Point and the Dairi Burger as though Liz hasn’t lived here her whole life. At the Dairi Burger, Joey asks Liz if she wants to do something the next night. Liz promised Jessica she’d go with her to Jonathan’s party, but she doesn’t want to bring Joey and flaunt her relationship with him in front of Todd or something so she lies to him and says she’s going to a movie with Jessica. Then, of course, Caroline Pearce comes over and mentions the party and how much Jessica is looking forward to going. Joey gets pissed and leaves Liz at the restaurant.

Jonathan’s party is just awesome. Jessica sneaks upstairs to meet Jonathan. The lights go out while she’s sitting on his bed. He comes in and they start kissing. Liz is downstairs freaking out. She somehow convinces Todd to help her get the lights back on. They go downstairs and mess with the breakers. When the lights come back on, they hear somebody scream upstairs. They run up and find Amy’s visiting cousin (and Todd’s date), Katrina, dead, her blood drained.

Quotes:

Todd turned up the collar of his black leather jacket and swaggered slowly into the cafeteria on Tuesday at lunchtime, imitating Jonathan’s walk. He was wearing black jeans and a black denim shirt with a white T-shirt underneath. His face was unshaven, and he’d dyed his hair black. Todd’s new look gave him a sense of fresh confidence.

UGH.

The Cover: These kids seem to think this party requires formal dress.

The Moral of the Story: Just one damned vampire will turn a whole town goth.

The Big Deal: The only big deal in this book is Jonathan Cain.

Synopsis:

Ah, jeez. Vampires.

Jessica has gotten a pair of diamond earrings from her grandmother, but she loses one at the Dairi Burger. She and Lila go digging through the Dumpster to try to find it. There’s a dead body underneath all the trash and the dead man has a bite mark on his neck. Gross. When the police get to the scene, they discover the body has been drained of blood.

Liz is all fucked up about Joey Mason, her summer fling. She can’t even stand to be around Todd because she feels so guilty. She ends a date early and Todd spends two pages trying to figure out what he did wrong. When they get to the Wakefields’ house, there’s a police car in the driveway. They run inside and Jessica tells them what happened. She introduces them to Jasmine, a cat she rescued from a tree outside the Dairi Burger. Everyone keeps saying Jasmine is the only witness to the murder.

At school on Monday, Jessica is a superstar and everyone wants to know what happened. Chrome Dome holds an assembly to talk about the murder. Enid sits with Maria and Liz, but Liz ignores her and just talks to Maria. Liz hasn’t told Enid about Joey, so Maria is the only one she can talk to about the fact that Joey will be going to UCLA and be within driving distance of Sweet Valley. Enid feels left out. Mr. Cooper introduces a new student, Jonathan Cain. He’s wearing black leather pants and a black t-shirt and of course he’s totally gorgeous. Enid and Jessica both decide they’re in love with him, and Liz immediately hates him because she recognizes him as the guy that bumped into her that morning and didn’t apologize.

Jessica tries to get Jonathan’s attention in a variety of ways, but he totally ignores her. She sits next to him in French class and passes him a flirtatious note. He passes one back telling her to leave him alone. Jessica gets all excited about what a challenge he’s going to be. Meanwhile, all the girls at school think Jonathan is totally hot and they start dressing like him and painting their nails black and shit. Lila and Jessica think it’s totally gross and stick with their lavender nail polish. Enid tells Liz she wants to dye her hair black, but Liz tells her it’s a stupid idea. Enid goes to the salon anyway and gets her hair dyed and straightened and also learns all about how to apply emo makeup. Liz is annoyed at everyone trying to copy Joey. Even Todd starts wearing black all the time.

Liz comes to a decision: she’s going to forget about Joey. She burns his letter and starts trying to convince herself she’s still in love with Todd, but it’s hard going, especially when she finds a canoe paddle in her locker. Wtf? I guess Joey put it there thinking it would be cute, but I’d sure be creeped out by it.

Enid turns into a creepy stalker and follows Jonathan after school one day to a dilapidated mansion on the outskirts of town. She sees him go inside, but nobody answers when she rings the doorbell and then knocks on the door. She walks around the house and looks in the windows. The house is disgusting and it’s clear nobody lives there. Enid gets freaked out and drives home.

Jessica finally gets Jonathan to give her a ride on his motorcycle. He takes her home and Jessica thinks it’s totally awesome that he knows where she lives. He drops her off, tells her again to leave her alone and then drives off. Liz can’t believe Jessica took a motorcycle ride. Jessica wakes up from a nightmare later and finds her missing earring on her windowsill. Weird. The next day, Jonathan tells Liz to keep Jessica away from him. Liz makes Jessica promise to leave him alone, but Jessica sneaks away on Saturday night while Liz is in the shower. She goes to the address Enid said she had followed Jonathan to.

When Liz gets out of the shower, she hears on the radio that another murder victim has been found. It’s a blond girl at Secca Lake and all her blood has been drained. Liz searches the house for Jessica and realizes she’s not there. She freaks out and does the only thing she can think of: she calls Todd and asks for his help. He says he’ll be right over and Liz panics until she hears a car in the driveway. She opens the door, but it’s Joey. She gives him a big hug and suddenly forgets that her sister might be dead. Of course, that’s the exact moment Todd shows up.

Jessica’s not dead. She’s at Jonathan’s house knocking incessantly on the door. Jonathan finally lets her in. He sets down his goblet of red wine and kisses Jessica. Then he pushes her away and says she should have left him alone.

Quotes:

“We’re trying to get that new guy, Jonathan, to join the basketball team,” Todd told Elizabeth.

Oh, Todd. Goth kids don’t play team sports.

I need new friends, Enid decided. Lynne Henry, Julie Porter, and Jennifer Mitchell, all of whom had also adopted Jonathan’s gothic style of dress, were sitting together at a nearby table.

So basically all the poor girls with no self-confidence are the ones being taken in by this new craze, but perfect and confident twins are immune.

Why can’t he admit that he cares for me?

This is Jessica, after Jonathan has done everything he can possibly do to show that he does not, in fact, care for her.

The Cover: Did anyone else wear those awful velvety black chokers back in the day? I thought I was so totally cool and goth when I wore mine. I imagine Jessica thinks it’s just the thing to make Jonathan fall in love with her. Jonathan looks like a total creeper up there in the window.

Synopsis:

Liz is looking forward to her anniversary with Todd (which anniversary? Tenth? Fiftieth?), but Todd ruins everything when he says his friend Michelle Thomas is coming for a visit from Vermont. This is the same Michelle Thomas Liz got jealous of in the last diary. Liz stops speaking to Todd and won’t answer his calls. She invites Enid over for some Project C.C. Cookie and actually starts to feel better. Then Todd comes over. With Michelle. Liz gets upset and says a few mean things, and Todd and Michelle leave. Then Enid tells Liz she was wrong to be so rude. Liz decides to bring Todd and Michelle some cookies as a peace offering, but finds them making out by the Wilkins’ pool. Liz runs home to read through her old diaries:

Liz recaps #58: Brokenhearted, in which Todd moves back from Vermont and they get back together. We get to relive the boredom of Liz and Todd breaking up again in #59: In Love Again, and laugh when she tries to go back to Jeffrey and he doesn’t want her. Then there’s the briefest mention of Ken’s accident as Liz recaps #60: That Fatal Night. And since the theme of this diary is “I Miss Jeffrey,” there’s a bit about how much she misses Jeffrey.

Blah, blah, Liz tells us about Patty Gilbert’s problems in #61: Boy Trouble. Then Liz gets her hair permed and Jeffrey is the only one who understands why in #62: Who’s Who? Then she starts surfing and Todd breaks up with her and Jeffrey comforts her in #63: The New Elizabeth. Then we hear about how worried she is about Steven’s sanity and her parents’ fighting in #64: The Ghost of Tricia Martin.

Liz’s parents are still fighting in #65: Trouble at Home. Liz can’t seem to talk to Todd about it, but Jeffrey is a really good listener. Which brings us to #66: Who’s to Blame, in which Liz goes to Jeffrey to talk and ends up kissing him. At some point during #67: The Parent Plot, Jeffrey climbs the trellis under Liz’s window and sneaks into her bedroom. They make out for a while, then Todd starts throwing pebbles at the window. Liz shoves Jeffrey in the closet and makes out with Todd. When Todd leaves, Jeffrey jumps out of the closet all pissed off like he didn’t know Liz had a boyfriend. Liz and Todd break up again in #68: The Love Bet. But of course they get back together. Liz crusades against racism in #69: Friend Against Friend. After Claire Middleton brings out Liz’s inner feminist and makes the football team in #70: Ms. Quarterback, everyone goes to the Dairi Burger and Liz sees Jeffrey with a date. She’s super happy he’s moved on.

Back in the present, Liz realizes Todd just made a mistake kissing Michelle, just like Liz made a mistake kissing Jeffrey. They make up and life goes on.

The Cover: Boring. Don’t care. We’ve seen all this before.