Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: If you ground your kids, they’ll sneak out and try to drunkenly skinny-dip at a party.

The Big Deal: Party at Cherie’s

Synopsis:

Liz gets called to the office on Monday morning and is told to go see the guidance counselor, Mr. Valasquez. He says a lot of her teachers have expressed concern because she’s been getting bad grades, skipping Oracle meetings and daydreaming in class. Liz doesn’t want to tell Mr. Valasquez that it’s all because she’s so depressed over Conner (a fact that makes me absolutely sick, by the way), so she tells him it’s all because of the earthquake and living at Fowler Crest and stuff. She actually feels better once she gets it all out and she doesn’t understand why Mr. Valasquez wants her to come back next week. When Liz gets home that night, her parents say Mr. Valasquez called them and they want to know why she didn’t just tell them she’s been having such a hard time. Alice gets really upset for some reason and starts yelling. She says she scheduled a meeting with Mr. Valasquez for all three of them for the next day. Alice is doing some actual parenting? I might die from the shock of it.

Megan Sandborn seems to be under the impression that her parents are going to get back together when her mom gets out of rehab. Conner tries to tell her that’s not going to happen because Gary, her father, isn’t going to want to stick around. Megan and Conner have a big fight and Conner realizes she’ll never listen to him about Gary. He thinks the only person Megan will listen to is Liz. He finds her at school and tells her what’s going on, and of course the whole time he’s talking to her he can’t think of anything but kissing her. But as soon as Liz says she’ll talk to Megan, Conner just turns around and walks away. What the hell is wrong with these people?

With Maria’s help, Ken turns in an excellent English paper and gets complimented by his teacher. To celebrate, he and Maria decide to go see a movie. When Ken takes her home, all he wants to do is kiss her, but he can’t seem to work up the nerve. They go to a street fair the next day and Ken wins Maria a teddy bear, which she promptly gives away to a five-year-old who comes up to her screaming that she wants a stuffed animal. Ken feels like an ass.

Liz is in a really great mood after Conner’s plea for help, and she decides to take Megan out after school. They go to Casey’s for ice cream, and after just a few minutes, Liz remembers she’s supposed to be meeting her parents at Mr. Valasquez’s office. She drives Megan home and then goes straight home because it’s too late to try to meet her parents at the school. When she gets home, Ned hollers at her because Alice is worried sick and driving around looking for her. Ned tells Liz she’s grounded for the next two weeks. Wow, now Ned is getting in on the parenting stuff. This is insane.

Will and Jessica are totally together now and everyone knows it, including Melissa. Cherie is having a big deal party and everyone besides Jessica is going to be there, so Melissa thinks it should be a good opportunity to steal Will back. Sadly for her, Will isn’t interested in going any place Jessica isn’t welcome. How sweet. You’re still a jackass.

Conner is all angry because he overheard Gary telling his girlfriend she could come stay at the Sandborn house while he’s there, so Conner calmly tells him he doesn’t think that’s a good idea because it would upset Megan. Gary says he won’t ask his girlfriend to move in, just as long as Conner behaves himself. Then the next night, the girlfriend – Alicia – shows up for dinner and Gary announces she’s moving in. Megan flips out and runs upstairs to her room. Conner goes to her room later that night and finds a note saying she can’t live with Gary and Alicia. Conner has no idea how long she’s been gone or where she might be. As you can probably guess, Megan is at Liz’s. She rode there on her bike and is now crying on Liz’s shoulder. Liz gets to do some shoulder-patting, so that’s pretty cool. Conner finally thinks to go to Liz’s, and when he gets there and rings the doorbell, Mrs. Wakefield acts like a bitch and says he can’t come in. Then Liz and Megan come downstairs and Alice tells Liz to meet her in the other room when her friends are gone. Conner yells at Liz for not forcing Megan to call home, and then Alice yells at her for having a friend over when she’s supposed to be grounded. She adds another week to Liz’s sentence. Liz decides she’s not cool with that, so she sneaks out to go to Cherie’s party.

Ken and Maria go out to dinner, and Maria starts to panic a little when she realizes they’re at a very romantic restaurant. Apparently, she’s an idiot and hasn’t noticed that Ken is interested in her. When he tries to feed her a bite of his pasta, she asks him if he thinks they’re on a date. He asks her what she thinks they’ve been doing all week. They don’t know how to proceed, so they just leave and go to Cherie’s party.

At the party, Ken gets roped into a conversation with Gina, and that makes Maria jealous so she dances with Aaron. That makes Ken jealous, so he dances with Cherie. Maria cuts in and says they have to talk, but they end up kissing instead. Meanwhile, Liz decides to get drunk. Tia and Andy try to take her home, but she gives them the slip when she says she has to go to the bathroom. She’s just about to take off her clothes and jump into the pool when everyone starts running away because there are police sirens coming closer. Conner is just pulling up when he sees Liz stumbling down the driveway. He can tell she’s drunk and he wants to get to her before the police do. He grabs her arm and shoves her in the car. After he drives her a little way down the street, he stops the car and apologizes for being a jerk earlier. Then he kisses her.

Quotes:

Mr. Collins glanced up from the paper, his warm brown eyes looking surprised.

What happened to Mr. Collins’ crinkly blue eyes?

The Cover: Hello, extreme close-up.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: All males who go to college are sexy.

The Big Deal: Party at Steve’s

Synopsis:

Well, the twins are off to their College Adventure. For some reason, Ned and Alice thought it would be totally okay to pull the twins out of school for a week and send them to stay with Steve and his girlfriend, Billie, at Sweet Valley University. As expected, Liz is all about preparing for her college future while Jessica just wants to party. On the way to Steve’s apartment, Jessica decides she’s going to throw a big bash that night. She invites a bunch of guys at a minimart and tells them to bring their friends. Steve and Billie are going out of town for the night. Billie forgot when the twins were coming and she booked a night at a bed and breakfast for her and Steve. Jessica thinks that’s great because now she doesn’t have to tell Steve about her party.

The twins go exploring the campus. Liz joins some people who are sitting around discussing Ralph Ellison’s Invisible Man (because that’s what brainy college students do) and Jessica meets some sorority girls who are doing their nails and talking about boys (because that’s what sorority girls do). Jessica invites everyone she meets to the party and can’t believe Liz isn’t doing the same.

The party is a disaster or a success, depending on which twin you ask. It gets out of hand and someone brings in a keg, and then the police show up and make everyone leave. On the upside, the twins meet a couple of guys. Jessica tells her guy, Zach Marsden, that she’s a transfer student from Princeton and that Liz is actually her younger sister. She does not mention Ken. Liz meets Ian and actually tells him the truth about Todd and high school and all that jazz.

Jessica starts going out with Zach every night and going to some of his classes with him. She also spends a lot of time pre-rushing Theta Alpha Theta, the sorority Jessica’s new friends belong to and also Alice’s old sorority. One of the girls, Magda, tells Jessica she really likes a guy named Zach Marsden and intends to get him. So now Jessica is torn. She doesn’t want Magda to find out about her and Zach, but she doesn’t want to stop seeing him. Oh, how difficult it must be to have Jessica Wakefield’s life. She decides to do nothing, and the next time she goes out with Zach, Magda walks into the restaurant. Jessica is sure this means she’ll be blackballed from the sorority. Oh, dear.

Liz is all excited to go with Ian to his journalism class because the professor is Felicia Newkirk, “the first woman to break into the male-dominated White House press corps.” This woman is like Liz’s hero, so it’s really upsetting when she gets into an argument with her during the class. I’m not sure why, something about Liz being interested in television journalism and Felicia accusing her of being just a pretty face. Whatever. Felicia gets bored with Liz and moves on. She announces an essay contest and Liz vows to win it and prove herself to Felicia. She stays up all night writing some obnoxious thing about binge drinking on college campuses. She feels like she has firsthand knowledge on the subject since she just threw a kegger a couple nights ago.

OF COURSE she wins the contest. The prize is having Felicia edit the essay for publication in a national magazine, and also an internship with the university’s “nationally distributed newspaper.” Why does the whole nation need to know what’s happening at Sweet Valley University? Anyway, Felicia suggests that Liz take her high school equivalency test and get to work at SVU. Liz decides that’s what she’s going to do. Right.

Quotes:

“Jake!” another male voice called out. “Are you bothering this fine specimen of womanhood?”

Jessica turned, thrilled to see a second gorgeous guy with mocha-brown skin and a flattop approaching the Jeep.

“Lay off, Phil. I spotted her first!” Jake said, putting an arm around Jessica’s shoulders.

Jessica is hot enough to make complete strangers argue over her.

Being popular was the last thing Jessica Wakefield would ever have to worry about.

Oh, and she’s popular, too.

Steven and Billie had decided to do the unthinkable – forgo their afternoon classes to spend a romantic afternoon in their apartment.

How scandalous. Don’t hurt yourself over there on the wild side, guys.

Why didn’t I think of that before? Elizabeth admonished herself. I have firsthand knowledge of one of the most important issues facing college students today: alcohol.

Liz, freaking out because a couple guys brought a keg to your brother’s apartment hardly qualifies as firsthand knowledge about alcohol.

The Cover: There is something really wrong with blond guy who must be Zach. His shoulder area is all messed up. Ian looks like an even nerdier version of Winston Egbert, if that’s even possible. Jessica looks cute, but Liz looks like crap.

This is where the whole thing goes sideways, folks. Get ready.

The moral of the story: Prom is just not worth it.

The Big Deal: Party at the beach, horrible Jungle Prom

Synopsis:

At a totally awesome beach party, Bruce dares Jessica to swim out to the buoy. Liz begs Jessica not to do it, but Jessica laughs and jumps in the water (after stripping down to her bikini “striptease-style”). Liz runs around freaking out, telling Todd, Sam and Enid that Jessica’s in the water. Everyone tells Liz to chill, but she can’t. Jessica comes back to shore and Liz is all, “Jessica! You’re all right!” Jessica laughs and says of course she’s all right. Liz gets upset and decides she’s not going to worry about Jessica anymore; Liz is only going to worry about herself from now on.

Lila is having a terrible time with her date, Tony Alimenti. He’s a nice guy, but Lila isn’t ready for dating yet and only agreed to come to the party because Jessica and Amy wouldn’t leave her alone. Lila watches her friends dancing and wonders if they’re ever scared that their boyfriends will overpower them. Then Tony tries to put his arm around her and she jumps.

Meanwhile, Bruce is making out with Andrea Slade. He knows Andrea likes him a lot, but he’s just not interested because she doesn’t present a challenge. She tries to get him to commit to a picnic next weekend, but Bruce is an ass and tells her he doesn’t do commitment and if she doesn’t like it she can take a hike.

A ton of kids run onto the beach wearing Big Mesa’s school colors. They knock over the food table, spray shaving cream on everything and pick up the girls and carry them for a few feet and then drop them in the sand (Lila screams at the top of her lungs). The whole thing only lasts five minutes, but the mess is horrible. Sweet Valley wants revenge.

At the Dairi Burger afterward, the twins argue over whether or not Sweet Valley should retaliate while Bruce and some other former Club X members are in the parking lot discussing how they can get revenge on Big Mesa. Tony takes Lila home and she freaks out when he tries to kiss her goodnight. Liz and Todd go to Miller’s Point and talk. They decide everyone will calm down and nothing else will come of the raid on the beach.

While getting ready for the beach party, the twins came up with an awesome idea for a jungle themed school dance. At school on Tuesday, Liz tells her friends she’s gotten the go ahead from Principal Cooper on the Jungle Prom. They talk about whether or not there should be a king and queen, and Liz wonders if she should go for it. Later, Todd convinces her she would be a great queen. After school, Jessica goes out with her friends and declares that she intends to be prom queen.

Jungle Queen

Lila has a session that afternoon with Nathan Pritchard, her counselor. She’s really upset about Saturday night and tells Nathan what happened with Tony. Nathan does his best to convince her that maybe Tony wasn’t trying to hurt her and that Lila’s just oversensitive right now. Lila concedes that he’s probably right and says she doesn’t want to be scared of every boy in the world.

Environmental Alert, the organization Liz found to fund the prom, calls Liz and says they’ve put together a prize package for whoever is elected prom queen. The queen will win a trip to Brazil and the opportunity to be an honorary spokesperson for Environmental Alert. Liz runs out to the pool to tell Jessica and Lila the news. When she goes back inside, Jessica starts gushing to Lila about how awesome it will be when she’s prom queen. Lila pretends to fall asleep so Jessica will shut up. A few minutes later, Alice comes home. Lila watches Alice and Jessica talk to each other. She wishes she had a mother to talk to. Damn, Lila makes me so sad in this book.

Jessica misses a meeting of the prom committee, so Liz goes ahead without her. The committee decides on formal dress for the prom, which Liz knows is going to upset Jessica, who wanted everyone to dress all Tarzan and Jane. When Liz tells everyone about the prize package for the queen, everyone on the committee tells her she’s the logical choice. Jessica is pissed that Liz let the committee vote on the dress code issue without her, but doesn’t mind when she realizes that if it weren’t for Liz, Jessica wouldn’t be going to Brazil. She’s sure she doesn’t have any competition for the title of queen.

Andrea finds Bruce after school on Friday and asks him what he’s doing the next day. Bruce says something rude and is sure she’ll tell him off, but she just looks sad and tells him to call her sometime. Bruce thinks it’s kind of fun to string her along and see how much abuse she’ll take. He goes outside to the parking lot to find that his car, along with everyone else’s, is a mess. The damned Big Mesa jerks have come back with their shaving cream and they’ve drawn bulls (their mascot) all over everyone’s cars. The same afternoon, Liz gets a copy of Big Mesa’s newspaper in her Oracle inbox. There’s an article about how crappy Sweet Valley’s basketball team is.

A few days later, Liz is looking over The Oracle before it goes to the printer and notices the story she asked Caroline to write is a little weird. She wanted an article promoting the prom and asked Caroline to leave names out of it, including Liz’s. Caroline has written a piece of crap that makes it sound like the whole prom was Jessica’s idea. Liz is pissed, but decides to get over it. That night, Jessica says something about “when I go to Brazil,” and Liz gets angry again. She asks Jessica if it ever occurred to her that Liz might like to go to Brazil. Jessica says no, being prom queen isn’t really Liz’s thing. Liz gets all weird and asks how Jessica knows what her kind of thing is, as if Jessica hasn’t been living with her for sixteen years. They have a big argument. Afterward, Jessica goes to Sam’s to study and tells him how strange Liz has been acting. Sam makes her forget about it and they talk about maybe spending the night together after the prom.

There’s a big pep rally for all the sporting events that are coming up. Jessica outshines the rest of the cheerleaders and then makes a big speech about the prom. Liz knows it’s all part of her campaign to be voted queen.

Jessica and Lila are shopping at Lisette’s a few days later and talking about Liz. Lila tells Jessica to stop being so cocky about being voted queen because a lot of people think Liz is going to win. Jessica is all “Yeah, whatever.” She finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Just then, Liz and Enid come in. Liz finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Jessica and Liz come out of their fitting rooms at the same time wearing the same dress. Lila thinks it’s pretty funny.

Bruce goes to the marina to take his father’s boat out. He runs into Nicholas Morrow, who mentions Regina. Bruce doesn’t know how Nicholas can talk about her without getting upset. Bruce goes home that night, takes a picture of Regina out of his nightstand drawer and cries.

On Friday, Liz gets another delivery from Big Mesa. It’s another article from the Bull’s Eye, and this one is full of accusations that Sweet Valley cheated to win the track meet the day before. Todd convinces Liz not to retaliate and they go to lunch. In the cafeteria, Jessica is handing out buttons that say “Save the Rainforest—Come to the Jungle Prom,” and telling people she used her own money to have them made. Liz is outraged at Jessica’s campaigning. Liz, you’re allowed to campaign, too, if you want. Todd tries to tell her to calm down, and she gets even more angry.

On Monday morning, Lila is getting ready for school and wondering if she should go to the prom. She starts thinking about Nathan realizes he’s really cute, and Lila is grateful to him for helping her so much in counseling. She decides she’ll go to the prom even though she doesn’t have a date. Nathan will be chaperoning and she can just hang out with him. Lila goes into her counseling session that afternoon a new woman. She flirts with Nathan a little and tells him she’s back to her old self.

Jessica drags Amy, Robin and Lila to a prom committee meeting and pisses Liz off by acting like she wants to be involved. Before the meeting is over, she brings up the real reason she came to the meeting: she doesn’t think any Big Mesa kids should be allowed to come to the prom. The committee is split, so Liz arranges for the whole school to vote. She’s happy when the school votes against Jessica’s idea.

Later, Penny tells the twins that she was contacted by Sweet Sixteen magazine. They heard about the prom and want to do an interview with whoever came up with the idea. I’m so sure. Liz and Jessica are scheduled for an interview and photo shoot the next day. Jessica doesn’t show up and the Sweet Sixteen people are tired of waiting. Against her better judgment, Liz agrees to do the interview alone. When Jessica shows up forty-five minutes late and finds out they left without her, she’s convinced Liz set it all up somehow.

On Wednesday, Liz writes an editorial for The Oracle. It’s an attack on Big Mesa. Liz gets mad when Todd tells her she’s being mean. Friday night is the big basketball game against Big Mesa, and Liz says some mean things to Enid about Hugh not having the guts to show up and support his school. Damn, she’s crabby. Sweet Valley wins the game, and the Big Mesa kids hightail it out of there.

Finally, it’s prom night. Everyone lavishes Liz with praise and Jessica is mad that they’re all acting like Liz did all the work. When Sam points out that Liz actually did do all the work, Jessica stomps off and tells him to ask someone else to dance. He asks Liz. Todd is elected prom king, and in one hour, the queen will be announced. Jessica knows she needs to do something fast if she’s going to take Liz out of the running, which she’s even more determined to do when she sees Liz and Sam dancing together. A Big Mesa guy starts flirting with Jessica and she notices he’s drunk. She flirts back to get some of his alcohol and then pours a ton of it into Liz’s punch cup.

Drunk and happy, Liz tells Sam she doesn’t care about being queen. She yells to Andrea and Patty that she’s withdrawing her name so Jessica can win. Jessica does win, but as soon as the crown is on her head, she feels guilty.

Suddenly, twenty or thirty Big Mesa kids come in and start running through the gym, punching people on their way through to the football field. Bruce rounds up a bunch of guys to follow them. Jessica, suddenly worried about Liz, jumps off the stage to try to find her. She sees Liz and Sam wobbling out the door, but by the time she makes her way through the crowd and into the parking lot, Liz is in the driver’s seat of the Jeep. Before Jessica can get to them, Liz drives off. Jessica finds Todd and tells him they need to go after them.

Lila is stuck in the gym. No matter what exit she tries to use, there are people blocking her way. Finally, Nathan takes her arm and leads her out of the gymnasium. The hallway isn’t much better, so Nathan pulls her into an empty classroom. Once they’re alone, Lila has a flashback to John’s attack on her and she’s suddenly sure that Nathan was only pretending to be nice so he could get her alone and take advantage of her. She screams. The cops have made it to the school, and at the sound of Lila’s scream, they burst into the classroom. Lila says Nathan attacked her, and the cops haul him off.

There’s a massive brawl out on the football field and Bruce is right in the middle of it. A Big Mesa kid hits him with a bat and knocks him down. Just as the other guy is going to hit him again, a beautiful girl tells the guy to stop. She reaches out to help Bruce up, but he gets kicked in the head and blacks out.

Todd and Jessica hop in Todd’s car and go off in the direction Liz and Sam went. Jessica tells Todd that Liz and Sam are drunk, but says she doesn’t know where they got the alcohol. They see a crashed Jeep on the side of the road and pull over. There are cops on the scene already, and they say both the driver and passenger are dead.

To be continued…

Quotes:

In [Bruce’s] opinion, the only fun in dating was the sport of it. The more it was like a tennis match, where he had to wear down his opponent through expertise and sheer force of will, the better he liked it.

Jeez. What a freak.

The Cover: God, the twins are so ugly! Is it really possible that neither one of them did anything special with her hair for the biggest social event of the year?

The moral of the story: Doing cocaine will get you murdered.

The Big Deal: A party at Winston’s is mentioned, but we don’t actually see it happen.

Synopsis:

• It’s summer again.
• Liz is going out with Todd (he’s out of town), but Sam Woodruff appears not to exist.
• The twins are working as interns at the Sweet Valley News. Again? Still? Not sure.
• It’s only their second week there.
• But they have the Jeep instead of the Fiat.
• But Adam Maitland is living with the Wakefields again/still.
• It’s still the same summer as the other Super Thrillers, though, because the twins are still sixteen.

As with our first trip through this time loop, Jessica is bummed about working for the summer, but a handsome news editor named Bill Anderson makes it more bearable. Seth Miller still works there, but I guess Jessica is over him. Not far away from the Western Building, where the newspaper office is located, George Fowler has a project underway. The construction of Fowler Tower is interfering with the phone lines at the newspaper office, and Jessica spends a whole morning listening in on other people’s conversations. She overhears a man calling himself Greenback make a murder threat. She tries to tell Liz, but of course Liz just thinks she’s being paranoid. She convinces Jessica she must have misunderstood, and Jessica decides to focus on snatching up Mr. Gorgeous, the hunk who works across the street. From Jessica’s window, she can see Mr. Gorgeous at his desk.

Jessica listens in on another phone call and hears Greenback saying something diabolical. She gets all scared and skips out of work to meet Lila at the beach. Once she’s out in the sunshine, she decides it’s much too nice of a day for anyone in Sweet Valley to be planning a murder. She and Lila hang out at the beach for a few minutes, and then someone screams. A dead body is floating in the water. Ew.

The next day, Jessica goes to the police station and tells a Detective Jason about the phone calls. He writes everything down and asks her to keep listening to her phone. He wants to know about any more phone calls, but he tells Jessica not to tell anyone, even Liz, that she’s helping the police. He doesn’t want a leak. Jessica tells her family, but nobody else. That weekend, Steve answers a phone call for Jessica, but when he hands her the phone, the other person doesn’t say anything, just breathes. Jessica gets freaked out. She gets freaked out again at work on Monday when she thinks a guy in a baseball cap and sunglasses is following her. She goes to the Western Building coffee shop, but runs out when the guy sits at the table next to her. In the lobby, she runs right into Mr. Gorgeous, who barely glances at her before hurrying away.

Her ego a bit deflated, Jessica returns to her desk. Later that afternoon, she looks out the window to see Mr. Gorgeous looking at her. He smiles when he recognizes her, so Jessica writes her name and number on a piece of paper and holds it up to the window. Mr. Gorgeous, whose real name is Ben Donovan, calls her a second later and they agree to meet after work. They go out for coffee, and Jessica is disappointed to discover Ben likes books and classical music.

The police identify the dead girl as Tracy Fox, a runaway from San Diego. Liz calls the family and finds out Tracy ran away after Mrs. Fox found a packet of cocaine in Tracy’s dresser and the two of them had a fight. Seth tells them the police found a packet of cocaine on Tracy’s body, and this information coincides with one of the phone calls Jessica overheard in which Greenback mentioned getting all the packets from “her.” Liz and Jessica realize Greenback must be involved in a drug ring, and they spend half a page talking about Regina and how destructive drugs are. Later that night, Liz sees a picture of Tracy and is sure she’s seen her somewhere before.

When Jessica gets to work the next day, Bill Anderson tells her the receptionist got a new job and quit, and Bill thinks Jessica would be perfect for the job. He’s replaced her phone with the reception switchboard, so she can’t listen in on phone calls anymore, but she’s not that concerned since Greenback has been quiet since Tracy was killed. Later in the day, however, she decides to try dialing her own extension to see if she can eavesdrop. It works, and she uses a Dictaphone to record a couple calls from Greenback. The last call scares her, because Greenback tells his associate that the “nosy girl” isn’t spying today and he’ll handle her “when the time comes.” He says there’s an undercover cop at the newspaper office, and he also mentions a “buddy at the police station,” so when Detective Jason makes his daily phone call to find out the haps, Jessica doesn’t feel comfortable telling him. She lies and says she’s working on the receptionist’s phone now and can’t eavesdrop anymore.

That night, Liz answers the phone. The person on the other end says, “If I had my way, you’d be shark bait by now, Jessica Wakefield.” Liz and Jessica are both terrified when the phone rings again. This time it’s Detective Jason, and Jessica is suspicious because she already told him she can’t eavesdrop anymore and it seems like he’s keeping tabs on her. She’s sure he’s the bad cop. The next day at work, Jessica is thinking about Seth Miller because he seems to have a lot of money lately. He just moved into a swanky condo and bought a new car. Jessica goes to his office and asks him where he got so much money. Seth is amused but secretive. Just as Jessica is about to leave, Seth’s “telex machine” (what is that?) starts printing out a news report. It makes the same noise she heard in the background of Greenback’s last phone call, so now Jessica is convinced Seth is Greenback. Ugh.

Liz gets a call from a man named Old Riley who lives in Big Mesa and has some information about Tracy. She drives out there to talk to him, and the man says he saw Tracy on the beach a few times. He drew a picture of her, which he gives to Liz. He says that one day a man met her there and they talked for a minute. Liz asks if he can describe the man, and Old Riley draws a picture of him. Liz thinks the man in the picture looks familiar. She takes the sketches back to the office, and Jessica says the man looks like Seth, and goes on to tell Liz her newest theory. Liz scoffs at her and they walk out to the building’s lobby. Suddenly, Liz remembers that this is where she saw Tracy about a week or so ago. Jessica says they can find out what she was doing there if they check the visitors’ log. They discover Tracy was in the building to visit Seth.

Late that night, the twins go to the Western Building to snoop in Seth’s office. They don’t find anything, but hear footsteps as they’re leaving. They freeze in terror, then breathe huge sighs of relief when it’s just Bill Anderson. He says he’s just picking up some things he forgot. Then he hands Jessica a little cassette, saying he picked it up by accident thinking it was his. Jessica realizes it’s the tape on which she recorded Greenback’s phone conversation. She’s greatly relieved it was Bill who found it instead of Seth. The twins are followed on their way home, but Liz shakes the guy off their trail.

Liz convinces Jessica to give her at least until Monday morning to clear Seth. When Monday rolls around, Jessica decides to tell Bill. Moron. Bill listens to Jessica’s accusations and her “evidence,” and tells her she’s absolutely right and Seth must be Greenback. He asks her to meet him that night around nine and they’ll go to the police station together. Jessica is sure Bill is the undercover cop Greenback mentioned. How is she so dumb?

Liz goes to Seth and tells him Jessica’s suspicions and about Tracy coming to see him. Seth says he never saw Tracy, but he does remember getting a phone call from a girl who had a story to tell him, but who never showed up. He tells Liz he isn’t Greenback, but he thinks he knows who is. He won’t say who he suspects, but asks Liz to meet him that night, as he’s supposed to have some information faxed to him at home. Liz stops at the grocery store on her way home and runs into Rose, the former receptionist. Liz asks her about her new job and Rose looks puzzled and says she didn’t quit, Bill fired her. Liz, who is just as dumb as her sister, wonders why Bill would lie.

Later that night, Jessica goes back to the office to meet Bill. When she gets there, of course, Bill is all weird and not himself. Jessica sees a vial of white powder with a tiny spoon in it and realizes it must be cocaine. It’s clear she’s made a big mistake, so she starts to run out of the office and Bill chases her. He catches her and takes her up to the roof.

Meanwhile, Liz and Seth are at the Box Tree Café, where Seth is showing Liz the faxes he received. All his evidence points to Bill being the murderer. Liz tells him Jessica is with Bill right now, so they rush out of the café and over to the newspaper office just as Ben Donovan, aka Mr. Gorgeous, rushes out of the building across the street. He sees Liz and says he’s glad she’s all right and was worried Bill Anderson had gotten her. Liz tells him he’s got the wrong twin, and Jessica is inside with Bill. Ben flashes a badge and calls someone on a radio, then they all run inside.

On the roof, Bill shoves a packet of cocaine in Jessica’s pocket and is about to push her over the edge when our heroes show up. Ben tackles Bill, and after a struggle, Bill falls over the side. There’s some talk about how drugs are bad, and we find out for sure that Ben was the undercover cop, Detective Jason was the bad cop and Bill was Greenback. We find out Seth got his money because he finally got a contract with a publishing company for five more mystery novels. We hear a little more about how destructive cocaine is. The next day, Rose the receptionist gets her job back and Jessica is treated like a hero.

Quotes:

“A packet of cocaine was found in the pocket of the jacket she was wearing when her body was found. They’re sure the killing was drug-related.”

Jessica gasped. “Drug-related!”

It’s already a murder, Jessica. How is it worse that it’s drug related?

“It’s horrible!” Elizabeth cried. “That poor, stupid girl. Oh, Jess, I hate thinking about it. It reminds me of what happened to Regina Morrow. Drugs are so destructive. Why would anyone get involved with them?”

I guess not everyone is as smart and wonderful as you, Liz.

The Cover: Jessica looks all weirdly proportioned, like a Skipper doll. That is one of the ugliest skirts I’ve ever seen.

The moral of the story: You don’t need to take steroids to win, you just need to think you’re taking steroids.

The Big Deal: All-County track meet

Synopsis:

Liz and Todd have been so busy lately they’ve hardly had any time alone. They manage to ditch their friends at lunch one day and eat together, but then Roger Barrett-Patman sits down with them and says the son of a friend of his mother’s is coming to visit. Mitch is thirteen and going down a bad path. Roger asks Liz to come to a barbecue on Friday to welcome Mitch to town and Liz agrees, even though she already promised Todd they would do something alone. Liz goes home that night and passes Roger’s barbecue invite along to Jessica. Jessica can’t go because she has to go to some store opening and cut a ribbon because she’s Miss Teen Sweet Valley, a title she hates now that she’s found out she actually has to do stuff.

At the barbecue, Liz thinks Mitch looks pretty rough because he’s wearing all black and has a pierced ear. Annie Whitman is at the barbecue with Tony Esteban, track star extraordinaire. Liz and Annie start grilling burgers while the boys talk about sports (don’t even get me started), and Annie says that Tony is the first guy she’s really liked since she broke up with Charlie Markus, but they haven’t even been on a real date yet. When Tony drops Annie off later, they share their first kiss. Tony feels like he’s on top of the world, which means something is going to happen pretty soon to make him miserable. Tony goes to the gym to get something and we find out his father is one of those overbearing “I will live vicariously through my children” kind of dads and Tony’s sick of it. At the gym, Tony sees a guy named Lou and thinks there’s something strange about him. Lou’s a nice enough guy, but something about him makes Tony uncomfortable.

Everyone goes to the big track meet the next day. In a ridiculous contrivance of plot, Liz is covering some sports for The Oracle now because some staff writers have resigned. She takes notes on the track meet while sitting right next to John Pfeiffer, the sports editor, who is doing nothing. Anyway, Tony falls and busts his knee. At the hospital, his father yells at the doctor when Tony is told to stay off his knee and walk on crutches for a week. After a whole day of being cooped up at home, Tony is tired of being an invalid and feels like he needs to get out. He goes to the gym to sit in the whirlpool. Lou is there and offers him some “magic vitamins” to help him get better. Tony is an idiot and doesn’t know what Lou is talking about.

Annie hates seeing Tony so down, so she suggests they go mini golfing with friends. Todd and Liz go, but Todd is pissy the whole time because Liz accepted the invitation on his behalf and he’s still whining about them not spending any time alone. Roger brings Mitch, who seems to be responding really well to Tony. Roger tells Tony that Mrs. Patman found an empty beer bottle in Mitch’s room. Tony offers to take Mitch to Saturday’s track meet and talk to him. He tells Mitch drinking is bad and makes him promise not to do it anymore.

Tony goes to the doctor, who tells him he can start running again. Tony is disgusted with himself when he’s not immediately running as fast as he used to. He goes to the gym to swim and Lou offers him his “magic vitamins” again. He claims he gets them from a doctor up north and they won’t prescribe them as far south as Sweet Valley. He promises Tony that his knee will heal super fast and he’ll feel great. Tony shells out ten dollars for the pills. He’s clearly never heard of steroids.

After a week, Tony is feeling great and running as fast as ever, but he only has four pills left. He goes to the gym to find Lou, and Lou tells him ten dollars was a special deal and if he wants more it’ll be an even hundred. Tony promises he’ll be back early next week with the money. He takes his last pill on Friday and worries about how he’s going to get through the weekend. He and Roger overhear some guys in the locker room talking about a guy who took steroids. Something they say makes Tony worry about Lou’s magic vitamins, but he does his best to ignore the idea. On Sunday morning, he goes to the gym and Lou tells him to come back on Tuesday. He won’t tell Tony what’s in the pills and gets pretty unfriendly. So Tony’s pretty sure they’re illegal or something, but feels like he needs to keep taking them, at least until the All-County track meet. The whole gang goes bowling one night, and Tony gets really competitive and ends up screaming at Mitch and accusing him of cheating. He also starts getting really testy and annoyed with Annie.

In case you care, Todd is now being really obnoxious. Liz tries to make dates with him and he bails, I guess as some kind of payback for her not taking his requests for alone time seriously enough. Jessica tells Liz she should kidnap him and take him to Miller’s Point. Todd has the same idea. He tells Winston he and Liz never have any time together (maybe you shouldn’t be canceling your dates then?) and asks Winston to blindfold Liz and kidnap her for him.

Annie goes to get one of her books out of Tony’s locker one day and finds a full bottle of mysterious pills. She takes one of them and puts it in her pocket so she can find out what it is. Her cousin, Beth, has access to a lab or something and tells Annie the pills are steroids. Annie confronts him, but Tony denies everything. Annie tells Liz and Roger what’s going on, and Roger suggests she get some fake pills made to look like Tony’s pills and replace the steroids with the placebos. Annie’s cousin makes the placebos and Annie and Liz switch out the pills. That afternoon, Mitch comes by the school to say goodbye because he’s going back to L.A. Tony apologizes for yelling at him at the bowling alley, and Mitch says he’s going to turn over a new leaf and stop drinking. Tony feels like a phony. Good.

Winston kidnaps Liz. Enid and Annie kidnap Todd. They all end up at the same restaurant at the same time. Does anyone care? I sure don’t.

Tony unknowingly takes the placebo pills for a week, then goes to the gym and overhears Lou and another guy talking about the pills. So now Tony knows for sure he’s been taking steroids and decides to tell his father and coach. He and his father have a heart to heart and Mr. Esteban realizes he’s been pushing Tony too hard, blah, blah, blah. Annie tells Tony he’s been taking fake pills for the past week, so that’s good news when he talks to Coach Featherston. He calls some kind of meeting and makes Tony take blood tests to make sure he’s okay to run in the All-County meet. Turns out he’s fine and hasn’t even been taking the pills long enough to feel anything but psychological effects. Tony runs like the wind and wins the race.

Quotes:

Elizabeth believed that beauty pageants were sexist, dated, and fundamentally unfair, and had argued that beauty queens weren’t selected for their talents or intelligence, but on the basis of their appearance only. Once she’d participated in the pageant herself, Jessica had grudgingly conceded that her twin was right. Elizabeth was glad Jessica wasn’t one hundred percent thrilled with her title. The lesson she’d learned might not have been easy, but it was very important.

I don’t even have the words to express my hatred for Elizabeth and the smug cloud that hovers over her day after day.

“Liz and Todd,” [Bruce] drawled. “I guess you’ve come for our ‘rescue a hoodlum’ barbecue.”

Bruce can be pretty funny sometimes. I just wish he wasn’t such a total ass.

“Just tell me when and where, and I promise to produce one blindfolded blond Wakefield twin for a little lesson in romance!”

Kink-ay.

Tony felt as if his heart would burst with joy. He knew now that magic didn’t come from pills. Magic was something you made yourself.

I think Tony should work at Disney World.

The Cover: Annie, what are you doing with that slob? Look at this guy. Put on a shirt that fits, would you? (I am not a fan of muscle shirts.)

The moral of the story: It’s okay to be nosy and take pictures of people who clearly don’t want their picture taken. You’ll probably become a national hero.

The Big Deal: Ugh, nothing.

Synopsis:

Liz has joined the school’s new photography club (and is relieved when Jeffrey doesn’t join because of conflicts with soccer). The club decides to do a huge photo essay about life at Sweet Valley High. After all the recent division and tension, these kids think a mural is just the kind of gift the school could use to bring everyone back together. These are strange kids. I would say something sarcastic about how I’m sure a collage of crappy pictures will make Andy feel better about getting his ass kicked just because he’s black, but Andy is actually in the photography club and thinks it’s a great idea. I’m probably just old and jaded. They decide to keep the project a secret until it’s finished, then giggle conspiratorially when people ask them why they’re taking pictures of stupid things like Winston balancing a lunch tray on his head. Jim Roberts’ girlfriend Shelley gets annoyed and suspicious when Jim won’t show her his pictures.

Mrs. Morrow comes by the Wakefields’ house because she has something of Regina’s that she wants to give to Liz. It’s a camera. What a convenient gift, what with Liz joining the photography club and all. Liz takes Prince Albert the dog to a secluded beach to take pictures. She sees three men running along the shore and thinks they look strange because they’re not dressed for the beach. She takes a picture of them, and one of the men sees her and runs in her direction. When he gets near, he tries to take the camera away from her. Prince Albert attacks the man so Liz can get away. Once she and the dog are safely in the car, Liz thinks the man must have been insane.

A few days later, Jessica and Lila are driving to the mall. They realize they’re being followed, but the guy is really cute so they pull over. The guy thinks Jessica is Liz and apologizes for his friend’s behavior on the beach. He introduces himself as Chad and flirts a little bit before asking Jessica for the picture she took. Jessica tells him it’s in the darkroom at the high school and gives him her number and tells him to call her in a few days. She has no idea what he’s talking about, but figures she can just ask Liz for the picture and give it to Chad. She tries to tell Liz about it when she gets home, but Liz is too busy getting ready to go to Todd’s for dinner to pay any attention to her.

After dinner, Todd and Liz see something on the news about some drug ring hearing in Washington. Apparently, a man named Ron Hunter was supposed to give evidence and drop some names, but he clammed up. There’s a picture of Hunter on the television, and Liz freaks out when she realizes he looks just like one of the men she saw on the beach. Liz and Todd examine the photograph, and Liz is convinced the writing on the man’s shirt could be a clue. Unfortunately, they can’t make it out, so they decide to go to the darkroom after school the next day and enlarge the picture. I guess Liz has been carrying the picture and the negative around in her purse all this time, and it’s a good thing, too, because when she gets to school the next day, the darkroom has been vandalized and ransacked. Liz knows it was the guys from the beach looking for her picture, but she can’t figure out how they knew where to look.

Meanwhile, the photography club has been so intent on keeping their stupid photo mural a secret that their personal relationships have started to suffer. Nicholas Morrow doesn’t like that Andrea Slade keeps taking pictures of other guys, and Shelley Novak is pissed at Jim for never telling her what he’s doing. Jim is supposed to meet Shelley at the Dairi Burger at four-thirty, but cleaning up the ruined darkroom takes a couple hours. He gets to the Dairi Burger just in time to see Shelley leaving with Greg Hilliard, a guy she had a crush on before she met Jim. Kids, it’s just a photography project. It’s not worth losing your girlfriends and boyfriends over.

Chad calls Jessica and asks her out, but tells her not to forget the picture. Jessica tears Liz’s room apart looking for it, but can’t find it. While she’s doing that, Todd and Liz are using Amy Sutton’s father’s studio to enlarge the photo enough to see that the man’s shirt says “Rick’s Place.” They look in a phone book and find out it’s a restaurant in Big Mesa. Todd takes Liz home to change before they head out to Rick’s Place, and Liz freaks out because her room has been ransacked. She doesn’t want to call the police because nothing has been stolen. Oh, I hate you. If you think someone has broken into your house, you call the police, whether anything has been stolen or not. I mean, I know it was just Jessica, but Liz doesn’t know that.

Chad takes Jessica bowling. She is not happy about it. She gets a little happier when they finish their game and Chad says he’s going to take her to a restaurant in Big Mesa. Todd and Liz are surprised when the blond man from the photograph shows up at Rick’s Place with Jessica. Chad and Jessica don’t see them, so they’re able to watch them. When they see Chad grab Jessica’s arm and drag her out of the restaurant, they follow. Jessica sees them from Chad’s car and points to her cheerleading jacket, but Liz can’t figure out why. Todd chases Chad’s car, but gets pulled over for speeding. Liz cries to the cop that her sister is being kidnapped, and the cop asks where Jessica and Chad might be heading. Liz finally figures out that Jessica was trying to tell her they were going to the high school.

At the school, the cops get Chad and everyone goes to the police station to hear what he has to say. Chad was part of the big drug ring in Washington, and Ron Hunter used to be part of his gang. When Ron turned traitor, they kidnapped him and put his twin brother, Rich, on the stand instead. Blah, blah, I don’t care. The police tell Liz she’s done a great service to her country, and Liz pats herself on the back for indirectly finding justice for Regina’s death by exposing a drug ring.

Everyone loves the photo essay mural and all the problems it’s caused have disappeared.

Quotes:

Elizabeth had decided on her special angle for the mural just that morning: she would photograph Sweet Valley High teachers doing what they did best. Ms. Dalton had been her first subject.

A Ms. Dalton sighting! So she’s still around, we just haven’t seen her in a really long time.

My camera and me, Elizabeth thought. Then she corrected herself. Regina’s camera and me. It looked as if together they had accomplished some pretty important work.

Whatever, you haven’t even thought of Regina in at least fifty pages.

The Cover: Is she angry? Sad? Suspicious? Nauseous? Your guess is as good as mine.

The moral of the story: If you stop hanging out with Elizabeth Wakefield, your life will suck.

The Big Deal: Ice skating party, Christmas Eve party at George’s house, New Year’s Eve party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

It’s Christmas again. Todd is visiting family in Utah over the school break and Liz is feeling lonely. After the last day of school, Enid and Liz join what appears to be their entire class at the Dairi Burger. Liz goes back to the car for her jacket and ends up walking in with Jeffrey French. There’s mistletoe in the doorway and everyone starts screaming for them to kiss, so Jeffrey is all dashing and bends Liz back over his arm and kisses her. Liz is completely rattled by this, but tells herself it’s just because she misses Todd already. What? Then Jessica comes in and really outwhores herself. She stands under the mistletoe with her “twinkling” eyes and says, “Well?” Bruce Patman comes up and acts like he’s doing a favor by kissing her, then Jessica walks around giving out candy canes and flirting with all the boys. She realizes the only boy she hasn’t dated is Jeffrey, so she decides she must have him. She pulls the mistletoe down and holds it over her head while she stands next to him. He kisses her as quickly as he can. Then Jessica tries to flirt with him, but is unsuccessful.

Yeah, so far Enid’s Story seems to be pretty Enid-less.

Liz gets up to go talk to Penny, and Jeffrey sits down in her place to say hi to Enid. They start talking about how it’s too bad they don’t really talk anymore now that Jeffrey and Liz have broken up. There’s an ice skating party the next day, and they decide to go together. As friends. Yeah, right. Enid is relieved when Liz says she doesn’t feel like going to the party, because that means Enid doesn’t have to say anything about going with Jeffrey. Liz decides to go after all and gets totally pissed when she sees Enid and Jeffrey together. Enid calms her down by saying they’re just friends and hey, Liz, he’s not your boyfriend anymore. Then Enid feels a little guilty because she thinks maybe she is starting to like Jeffrey as more than a friend. She decides to deal with it later.

Jessica sees some hot guy and, even though she’s an expert skater (because there’s not a thing in the world she can’t do perfectly), she acts like a clumsy beginner as she skates past him so she has an excuse to grab onto him. She tries to flirt with him, but then Enid, who is a terrible skater, crashes into them and Jessica falls down. She sits there waiting for Brian to help her up, but he doesn’t. He asks Enid if she remembers him. Enid says she does, apologizes for her clumsiness and then skates away. Jessica is pissed. Enid’s always cock-blocking the evil witches of Sweet Valley, and I love it. Almost this same thing happens when Amy is trying to hook up with Lila’s cousin Christopher, but he wants to hang out with Enid because they knew each other already. Where does Enid meet all these guys? And when is Jessica going to realize that Enid is formidable competition? Enid’s dated more college guys than she has.

Jeffrey and Enid have such a good time skating that they decide to go see a movie later. On the way to the theater, they talk about Liz, which makes Enid think Jeffrey’s not interested in her. But she thinks he might become interested in her and that makes her happy. I guess the guilt and confusion she felt earlier have disappeared. She decides to go for it.

Meanwhile, Enid’s having trouble at home. Her father is going to be in town, so she’s asked her mother to cancel some trip they’d planned. Her mom’s giving her all kinds of grief just because she wants to spend the holiday with her father. Adele has apparently been telling Enid that her father has a drinking problem, but Enid thinks her mom is lying. Dave Rollins is supposed to get into town the day before Christmas Eve, but calls and says he’ll have to meet Enid the next day for lunch. Enid’s mom freaks out and gets mad because she had tickets to the Nutcracker. She was going to surprise Enid with them, and now her ex-husband has ruined everything.

Jeffrey calls Enid and wants her to come over so he can ask her something. She gets all excited, but when she gets there, Jeffrey says Liz brought him a present that morning and he wants Enid to tell him what it means. Enid realizes Jeffrey only likes her as a friend and goes home all dejected. She wants nothing more than to talk to her best friend, but she can’t since Liz is part of her problem. Then Brian, from the ice rink, calls and wants to hang out. Enid isn’t sure she should because Brian is from her partyin’ days. But he assures her that he’s changed and tells Enid he had a crush on her back in the day. I figure Enid was thirteen during her difficult phase, and if this guy is in college now, he had to be about sixteen or seventeen back then. Crushing on a thirteen-year-old. Anyway, Enid is flattered and decides to go out with Brian.

Brian takes her to dinner and they have a nice time. Enid doesn’t mind when he orders a beer (so how old is this guy, really?) because she understands that people can drink responsibly. After dinner, though, he takes her so a big party where everyone is getting drunk and high. Enid loses Brian for a few minutes, and he’s already drunk by the time she finds him again. So she calls a cab and goes home totally disappointed with her life.

Enid goes to meet her father for lunch the next day and finds him drunk when she gets to the restaurant. She leaves, disgusted, and goes home to blame her mother for everything. Adele tells her there’s nothing anyone can do, but Enid thinks her father would quit drinking if he loved her more.

Two days without Liz and your life turns to total crap. See what happens?

Jeffrey calls and invites Enid to a party at George Warren’s house and she accepts. At the party, Liz and Jeffrey have a private talk. She tells him she really loves Todd and asks if Jeffrey likes Enid. He says he does and he plans to talk to her that night. They go back to the party, but end up under some mistletoe. Liz is glad when she doesn’t feel anything from kissing him this time. Enid sees them kissing and goes outside to sit on the deck and feel sorry for herself.

Jessica is wandering around the party looking for a new guy to flirt with when she sees Brian. She tries to flirt with him, but he just asks her if she’s seen Enid. Jessica gives up on him, then sees Jeffrey and starts trying to flirt with him. He asks if she knows where Enid is. She says no and tries to talk to Liz, but Liz just wants to know if she’s seen Enid anywhere. Jessica is annoyed.

Brian finds Enid first and apologizes for the way he acted the night before. She’s all ready to tell him to fuck off, but then Liz comes up to her with an earnest expression on her face and says she wants to talk. Enid is mad at Liz about Jeffrey, so she pretends to be in a deep and flirtatious conversation with Brian. She tells Liz to get lost. Enid and Brian are dancing when Jeffrey interrupts. Enid just tells him where he can find Liz and keeps dancing. She leaves with Brian and he takes her up to Miller’s Point and manages to convince her to smoke some weed with him and drink some bourbon. Oh, Enid.

At the party, Jessica finally meets a guy who doesn’t know Enid and starts flirting. After a few minutes, they decide to head up to Miller’s Point. That Jessica, she moves fast. There’s another car next to them at the Point, and just as Jessica and Michael are about to start making out, the people in the other car turn their radio up really loud. Jessica gets out and knocks on the window. When nothing happens, she opens the door and sees Enid and Brian with an empty bottle between them. Jessica gets back into Michael’s car and tells him to take her back to the party.

Adele Rollins is sitting around waiting for Enid to come home. Liz calls for Enid, then tells Mrs. Rollins that Enid left the party an hour ago with Brian. Now Adele is freaking out because she knows Brian was one of Enid’s druggie friends. Then Enid’s dad shows up and Adele tells him what’s going on. Dave thinks it’s his fault that Enid is upset enough to go back to hanging with her old crowd. He goes to Kelly’s Roadhouse to see if she’s there. The sight of the old boozers hanging out at the bar kind of freaks him out and he realizes he’s well on his way to being one of them. He takes the flask of gin he has in his glove compartment and throws it out the window. And that, my friends, is the swiftest alcoholism recovery I’ve ever seen.

Dave goes to George’s house to see if Enid is there. A crowd gathers around him and Jessica sees it as the perfect time to tell everyone she just saw Enid drunk at Miller’s Point. Instead of hating Enid the way she’d hoped, everyone is mad at Jessica for just leaving her up there. Which is kind of bullshit, if you ask me, but Jessica starts to feel bad and leaves with Jeffrey, Liz, Lila and Dave to go find her.

Enid wants Brian to take her home, but he’s not done partying yet. He drives through town like a maniac, Enid screaming the whole time. They finally crash through a guardrail and the car flips. Enid wakes up to see her father tapping on the window and telling her to unlock her door. Dave carries her up the bank, then goes back to the car to get Brian out. Then the car explodes.

Enid wakes up in the hospital and is told her father and Brian are in the burn unit. Adele, Liz, Jeffrey, Jessica and Lila spend Christmas morning with Enid in her hospital room. Enid goes to see her father and he tells her he’s going to check himself into a clinic and stop drinking. Brian also decides to quit drinking and partying.

Lila has a big New Year’s Eve party. Todd is back in town, so he and Liz go together. Jeffrey wants to go with Enid, but she says she’d prefer to meet him there. In the end, they both realize they aren’t ready for a relationship, but agree to share a New Year’s kiss.

Quotes:

Just about the worst event that had ever happened to Elizabeth was Todd’s family moving to Vermont earlier that school year.

a.) If that, out of all the other things that have happened to Liz, is the worst thing ever, then she really needs to get her priorities straight. I mean, even forgetting all the crap that happens in Specials, because that stuff doesn’t really count. Just in the regular series her parents have split up, she’s been stuffed in some crazy stalker’s trunk, she nearly drowned…the list goes on and on.

b.) More evidence that the SVH timeline is severely screwed up. It’s Christmas right now. Todd moved, fell in love with Suzanne Devlin and came back to break up with Liz at Christmas. This is insane.

Just to be mischievous, Jessica had once said that Bruce kissed like a jellyfish. The truth was that Bruce was really a pretty good kisser.

Well, there’s that mystery cleared up.

Even though she had changed her life, it was not really any better. Maybe it would never be any better.

Oh, quit your whining, Enid. You’ve had two crappy days. That’s not exactly a horrible life.

The Cover: There she is, the chick who snags all the college boys. She’s not so bad, though I’m ashamed to say I did my bangs like that for years when I was younger.

The moral of the story: Elizabeth Wakefield will use any opportunity to meddle in someone else’s life.

The Big Deal: None, everyone is too depressed.

Synopsis:

Everyone in Sweet Valley is mourning Regina Morrow. The twins’ parents have a family meeting, for which Steve even comes home from college, and the ghostwriter takes a stab at writing a scene with an important message about drugs. It’s pretty weak though, with Alice asking the kids to come to her if they ever think about using drugs and Ned vaguely saying Regina had “other options” if she didn’t want to talk to her parents. Jessica expresses her hatred for Molly Hecht and blames her for Regina’s death, but Ned and Alice tell her it was Regina’s choice to do the cocaine, it just happened to be at Molly’s party. But everyone is blaming Molly, including Molly herself. Even her parents blame her, and that’s how we know they aren’t up to Wakefield standard and are probably the reason Molly does drugs to begin with. Also, they’re divorced, so that’s a double whammy. Molly asks if she can transfer schools, but her parents think she deserves whatever her classmates dish out.

Jessica wants to do something special in Regina’s memory. She comes up with the idea of a scholarship that can be given out every year to someone who overcomes a disability. She gets all the Pi Betas on board and everyone starts talking about ways they can raise money. Liz is bursting with pride for her sister. Of course, once Jessica starts trying to do some actual planning she gets overwhelmed, but not to worry! Ned offers to administer the fund for her so she just has to hand over the money when she gets it. Incidentally, Ned makes this offer after the whole family has enjoyed a feast of Chinese food. We have been told numerous times that Ned is “allergic” to Chinese food (though how that happens, I have no idea), but the writer makes a point of making sure we know he’s eating it, too. Whatever.

Molly’s having a rough time. She tries to talk to Liz but gets the cold shoulder. Then she goes to the cemetery and thinks maybe she can apologize to Regina, but Nicholas is there and he screams at her to get lost. Feeling hopeless, Molly goes home. Then Buzz, the drug dealer who brought the cocaine to the party, calls and actually offers comfort. He wants to meet Molly at Kelly’s that night and Molly is happy to accept. What she doesn’t know is that Buzz just needs money so he can get out of town. The police are still looking for him. Liz feels bad for shunning Molly and decides to call Justin Belson, the guy who took Regina to the party but who nobody’s mad at for some reason, and asks him to be a friend to Molly. Justin tells Liz  he doesn’t want anything to do with Molly. He stopped hanging out with her when she got into the hardcore drugs and he doesn’t feel like it would be healthy for him to be her friend. Liz is disappointed in him. Ugh, you be friends with her then, yabitch.

Molly meets Buzz at Kelly’s as planned. Feeling drunk from the one beer she’s had (and I thought she was hardcore), Molly lets Buzz make out with her and then get her stoned. Then Buzz tells her he’s running away and wants her to come with him. She’s got a couple thousand dollars in a savings account and she tells Buzz she’ll withdraw it and meet him at Kelly’s again the next night.

The next morning, Nicholas shows up at the Wakefields’ and offers to drive Liz to school because he wants to talk to her. He tells her how mean he was to Molly at the cemetery and asks Liz to tell her he’s sorry if she sees her. Liz agrees and they both talk about how wrong they’ve been to treat Molly so badly. But when Liz gets to school she can’t bring herself to say anything to Molly. She still thinks Justin should be her friend, so she finds him and tries to talk to him about it again. He finally relents and says he’ll think about it. Then Liz decides to find Molly and finally talk to her. She stops by Jessica’s table at lunch to ask if anyone’s seen her. Jessica, Lila and Cara are appalled that Liz is going to apologize to “Regina’s murderer,” but Cara tells her she overheard Molly asking someone about buses running past the bank. Liz shows up at the bank right after Molly withdraws $2,300. Liz tells Molly she wants to talk, but Molly doesn’t want to hear anything Liz has to say and tells her to “take your talking and shove it.” Nice. Liz gives up and goes back to school. Justin decides Liz was right and he cuts his afternoon classes to try to find Molly and talk to her. Chrome Dome finds him skulking outside Molly’s last period classroom. Just then the bell rings and Justin sees Liz coming toward him, but then Jessica comes along and distracts her. Before she has a chance to get rid of her, Chrome Dome whisks Justin off to detention.

Liz and Jessica are in the newspaper office writing an article together about Regina’s memorial scholarship when Penny, Olivia and Mr. Collins come in. They all love Liz’s article and it gets them talking about Molly. Mr. Collins agrees with Liz that they’ve all been too hard on her. Something he says finally makes sense to Jessica and she decides not to hate her anymore. Penny thinks Liz should write another article about how everyone should help anyone who’s on drugs get off them.

That night, Justin is sitting around worrying about Molly. He calls Liz and they decide to go to her house and talk to her. When they get there, they see Molly getting into her mother’s car with a knapsack. They follow her to Kelly’s, where she meets Buzz and gets into his car. Liz goes to the payphone and calls the police to tell them the drug dealer they’re looking for is heading south on Route 7. Justin follows them. He passes Buzz’s car and slams on his brakes, forcing Buzz to stop. Justin pleads with Molly not to throw away her life. Buzz is pissed and tries to pull Molly back toward his car, but she’s seen the light and doesn’t want to go. So Buzz tries to take her bag because he needs her money. Justin shoves him and Buzz threatens him with a knife. Justin beats him with a stick and knocks him out. Then the police come and everything is okay again. Molly vows to turn over a new leaf.

Setup for the next book: Sandy Bacon is secretly dating a Mexican kid named Manuel and everyone cares for some reason.

Quotes:

Buzz…pulled aside the fly-specked window shade. Through the window he had a great view of the back of another run-down apartment building. Sagging clotheslines were draped between the brick buildings above the alley.

Buzz must be hiding out in the Martins’ neighborhood.

“I have to find Molly. It may already be too late.”

Elizabeth Wakefield: Queen of Melodrama.

The Cover: I think the real reason nobody likes Molly is because of her haircut.

The moral of the story: Cocaine kills, but only if you’re a good person. Dumb poor people can do it as much as they want with no ill effects.

The Big Deal: Barbecue at the Wakefields’, fatal drug party

Synopsis:

Amy Sutton is convinced Bruce Patman is in love with her. They’ve been working together on an essay about drugs in Sweet Valley (what?) and Amy knows it won’t be long before Bruce succumbs to her completely and ditches Regina Morrow. Jessica thinks it’s great gossip and Liz is appalled that Amy would try to break up such a strong relationship. One day, while working with Bruce on their essay, Amy turns the charm on full force and Bruce kisses her. Suddenly all the changes he’s gone through since meeting Regina mean nothing and he’s back to thinking he should be able to have whatever he wants when he wants it. And no wonder I was always such a jealous and possessive girlfriend if a boy can’t even do homework with another girl without cheating. Bruce tells Amy he’ll break up with Regina soon. He stands Regina up for lunch and she ends up eating with Justin Belson. She doesn’t know him at all, but Jessica sees them together and worries because Justin hangs with a bad crowd.

The twins are having a barbecue and both Regina and Amy are invited. Liz wants to warn Regina that something is going on between Amy and Bruce, but Jessica convinces her not to. Jeffrey also thinks Liz should let it stay between Bruce and Regina, so Liz actually keeps her yap shut. The night of the barbecue, Justin Belson calls Regina to ask her to a movie, but she declines. Nicholas does the big brother thing and tells Regina she shouldn’t be hanging out with Justin because he’s bad news and Nicholas knows this because his friend’s girlfriend was friends with him. Whatever, dude.

At the barbecue, Regina feels like everyone knows something she doesn’t. After it gets dark, Liz and Jeffrey see Amy and Bruce making out behind a tree. Liz goes to distract Regina while Jeffrey separates Bruce and Amy. Regina spots them and yells at Liz, asking why she didn’t tell her what was going on. Then she goes to Bruce and demands his car keys because she’s going to drive herself home. She screams at Amy that she hates her and everyone else and then goes home and cries. I feel really bad for Regina.

Regina calls Justin and they go out the next day. He takes her to Kelly’s and Regina is extremely uncomfortable because, you know, they serve beer there. Justin tells her all about how he became a loser. His father owned a liquor store on Putnam Avenue, “which isn’t the greatest part of town,” and one day some kids killed him when they came in to rob the place for drug money. Justin says the only thing that got him through the tough times was his girlfriend Molly, but they haven’t talked much since Molly started hanging out with Jan, a hardcore druggie. Regina listens to his story and realizes he’s as lonely as she is. She vows to try to make a difference in Justin’s life since she couldn’t make a difference in Bruce’s. They start spending more time together and one day at lunch, Regina finally meets Molly. Molly says she’s having an “anything goes” sort of party on Saturday and she hopes Justin brings Regina. Justin tells Molly not to let someone named Buzz show up. I’m guessing Buzz is trouble.

Liz can’t stand to see Regina hanging out with the wrong sort of people and she’s sure that if Regina knows her real friends are behind her she’ll come back to the light. She tries to talk to her and apologize for what happened at the barbecue, but she just can’t help throwing in a few warnings about Justin and his friends. Regina gets defensive and tells Liz to leave her alone.

Amy’s cousin Mimi is at Sweet Valley College studying to be a social worker and she works at a clinic. What kind of clinic? Doesn’t say, but apparently it means she knows a lot about the drug scene in Sweet Valley. So Amy and Bruce talk to her to get information for their project. Mimi tells them about the party Molly Hecht is having and that a cocaine dealer named Buzz will be there. The people Mimi works for have been working with private detectives to get Buzz locked up. Mimi wants Bruce and Amy to tell anyone they know who might go to the party to stay away from Buzz because he’s been known to corrupt a few innocents in his time. Bruce calls Regina and tells her not to go to the party. He explains about Buzz and says he doesn’t want Regina to get hurt. Regina is pissed that Bruce acts like he’s got a right to care if she gets hurt. She’s determined not to take his advice. On Saturday morning, Jessica tells Liz everything Amy told her about Molly’s party and Liz freaks out. She immediately jumps up and calls Regina to tell her not to go. Regina has pretty much the same reaction as when Bruce called her.

That night Regina is getting ready for the party and thinking about how she really doesn’t feel like going. She’s been confused and upset since the barbecue and she feels bad for the way she treated Liz on the phone. She writes a mysterious letter and then she feels better about things. She and Justin go to Casey’s on the way to Molly’s and Regina tries to convince Justin they should just not go to the party, but he wants to go. He keeps talking about Molly and Regina realizes he’s still in love with her. She tells him to give Molly another chance and Justin thanks her for being a good friend.

Meanwhile, Liz is totally freaking out, pacing back and forth and wailing to Jessica about what she should do about Regina. Jessica says she should call Nicholas and make him deal with it. Liz thinks that’s a great idea and tells Nicholas everything. He decides he’s going to go to Molly’s and bring home his sister. Liz breathes a sigh of relief and goes on with her life. Nicholas, however, runs into some trouble on the way to Molly’s. He ran out of the house without his wallet so of course he gets pulled over. Since he doesn’t have his license, the cop takes him to the station. I didn’t start driving until the nineties, but that sounds a little extreme, doesn’t it?

At the party, Regina is having a terrible time. Someone has handed her a beer and she’s drinking it because she doesn’t want to call attention to herself. Molly’s friend Jan is a total weirdo bitch to her and apparently hates her for being rich and for stealing Justin from Molly. Molly and Justin have some kind of fight and then Buzz shows up. There’s a hush as someone turns down the music and announces Buzz’s arrival. Buzz is like some kind of punk Santa Claus, showing up with drugs for all the boys and girls. Regina tries to slip out, but Justin notices her and makes her sit with him for a while. Buzz starts cutting up the cocaine and Regina asks Justin what he’s doing. Everyone hears her and looks at her scornfully for never having seen cocaine before. They make fun of her and Regina gets mad and decides she’ll show them. She’s gonna try it. Yeah, Regina, that’ll learn ‘em.

Regina does two lines of coke and then passes out just as Nicholas shows up with the cops. She wakes up for a minute and asks to see Bruce and Liz and then passes out again. Nicholas calls Bruce and tells him to get Liz and meet him at the hospital. Liz, Jessica, Bruce and the gang are all at Lila’s house so everyone hears the news and wants to know what Justin and his friends did to Regina. Nicholas wanted to know the same thing. Because it couldn’t possibly have been her own choice. They get to the hospital and Nicholas tells them Regina had a heart attack from the cocaine.

Regina dies. The doctor tells them she had a rare complication from the cocaine: an accelerated heartbeat. Now, I’ve never done cocaine, but I get an accelerated heartbeat just from going up a flight of stairs. I can’t imagine it’s an “extremely rare” side effect of cocaine. Anyway, at school on Monday, everyone is all upset with Molly and Justin and want revenge, but they’re not at school. The next day, Liz gets a letter from Regina. It’s the mysterious letter she wrote before going to Molly’s party. In the letter, she tells Liz she forgives her and hopes they’ll be friends forever. Aw, that’s really sad. There’s a really sad memorial service for Regina.

Setup for the next book: Nobody likes Molly Hecht anymore.

Quotes:

She could barely think straight. Some drug dealer named Buzz was going to show up at Molly’s party! She couldn’t believe it. She just had to convince Regina not to go.

Everyone who’s been to a party where a drug dealer may have also been present and didn’t die from it, raise your hand.

“Speaking of pale,” Buzz said, taking a small packet of white powder out of his bag, “would you all just take a look at this!”

The group in the circle was quiet for a minute as they stared at the packet.

This party is ludicrous.

“Regina took a lethal amount of cocaine tonight and experienced an extremely rare reaction—rapid acceleration of the heartbeat, which brought on sudden cardiac failure.

That’s not rare! UGH.

The Cover: Poor Regina, left to stare forlornly at Bruce’s headshot.