Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: Despite all evidence to the contrary, horrible parents really do care.

Synopsis:

Dance aftermath: Melissa is pissed and feeling sorry for herself because none of her stupid friends have called to make sure she’s all right. Alanna wasn’t supposed to go to the dance at all, and now her parents want to ship her off to a boarding school because she broke the rules. Erika ditched Will last night and he’s pretty much over her now.

Alanna is an alcoholic: Alanna doesn’t want to go to any dumb boarding school, so she uses the credit card her parents gave her and books a flight to Chicago. Her best friend, Lisa, moved there a while back, and she lets Alanna stay at her house. Meanwhile, Alanna’s parents notice she’s gone and Mrs. Feldman calls Conner demanding to know where her daughter is. Conner has no idea and the fact that she’s missing and didn’t call him worries him. He goes to all her favorite hangouts to try to find her, and finally goes to her house to tell her parents she’s not with him.

Melissa is psychotic: Will goes over to Melissa’s house to try to get back together with her since things didn’t work out with Erika and because he’s a co-dependent wuss. Melissa doesn’t let him in because she’s so pissed at him, and she doesn’t think she wants to get back together with him. But then she sees her friend Cherie’s car passing her house, so she hugs Will and tells him she’ll take him back. She knows Cherie saw them, and she figures that by the next morning it’ll be all over school that she and Will are back together and everything will go back to normal.

Cherie tells Melissa she really likes Aaron Dallas but she doesn’t know if he likes her. Melissa’s brain goes into overdrive and she comes up with some hare-brained scheme to “get back” at both Cherie and Will. She finds out Aaron needs help in English and tells him she’ll be his tutor. I imagine this will end up with them making out or something, but I guess we’ll have to wait until the next book to find out.

I’m halfway through the book and Tia hasn’t made a single appearance so I don’t know why she’s on the cover.

Ken blah blah blah: Ken’s dad actually seems to take an interest in him, and he takes Ken to a couple of the schools he applied to. He embarrasses Ken when he asks if athletes are held to the same academic standards as everyone else, and he seems displeased when he finds out they are. Ken goes to school on Monday and Mr. Nelson tells him his sophomore guidance counselor made some kind of mistake with Ken’s classes, and now he doesn’t meet the math requirements to get into any of the schools he applied to. Ken feels sorry for himself and decides he’s too stupid for a big fancy school anyway. I’ll second that.

Blah blah Ken mopes about college blah blah. His father apologizes to him for riding him so hard all year and tries to convince him he really does think Ken is smart enough to get into a college based on grades rather than football. I could not possibly care less about Ken or his stupid dad.

Tia is a nosy bitch: Conner’s freaking out a little by Monday afternoon, and he tells Tia he’s not going to his guitar lesson because Alanna is missing. Tia goes crazy, talking about how he needs to prepare for his future. Conner has an audition on Wednesday for some awesome music school, and I guess Tia thinks missing this one practice is going to prevent him from getting in. She’s not letting that happen on her watch. Man, she’s getting to be as bad as Liz.

Conner remembers Alanna mentioning her friend who moved to Chicago, so he calls another of her friends, gets Lisa’s number and gives her a call. Lisa says she can neither confirm nor deny Alanna’s presence in Chicago, so Conner figures that’s where she is. He tells Andy what’s going on and asks him for enough money for a plane ticket, and then gets pissed when Andy says he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for Conner to miss his audition, and besides, he doesn’t have that kind of cash.

Tia tells Conner that if he goes to his audition, she’ll get him to Chicago. The audition goes just fine and then Tia drives Conner to the Feldmans’ house, despite his protests. The Feldmans start bickering with Conner and Tia calms them all down and says the three of them should fly out to Chicago together because Conner is probably the only one Alanna will talk to. So they all go to Chicago and Conner goes to the homeless shelter to get Alanna and bring her to the hotel. As soon as she sees her parents, she starts freaking out and yelling at Conner about his betrayal. She starts to settle down a little when she realizes her parents are in tears and are really just glad she’s safe.

Quotes:

He knew Andy must have a savings account, or a college fund, or something his parents had probably started for him years ago. And if he really wanted to, he could get the money. Conner was sure of it.

And Andy should just give you money out of his alleged college fund just because you asked him to?

The Cover and Title: So this is the larger version of that other cover. I still don’t get why she’s even on the damned cover, considering she’s barely in this book. And I guess the title means she’s never going to give up on Conner? I thought it meant she was going to try to get him back, so at least that stupidity didn’t happen.

The Moral of the Story: Conner is the worst brother ever.

Synopsis:

Jessica has boyfriend trouble: Jessica goes to Tia’s to explain what happened the night before at the party. Surprisingly, it only takes about half a page for Jessica to convince Tia of her innocence. Then she goes to try to talk to Jeremy, but only Trent is home. He invites her in and they talk things out and Trent says he’s going to make this up to everyone. Meanwhile, Jeremy is at his friend Stan’s house trying to avoid going home while Stan tries to tell him to get Jessica’s side of the story. Jeremy finally agrees and of fucking COURSE he gets home just in time to see Jessica and Trent talking together. He throws a fit and Jessica leaves all pissed off that he won’t even let her explain what happened.

Trent calls Tia to try to apologize. She’s not interested, but she does agree to help get Jessica and Jeremy back together. She sends an email to Jeremy, telling him she’s not mad at Jessica so he shouldn’t be either. Jeremy is worried that Jessica is just fooling everyone for some reason, but I guess he finally realizes that’s stupid. He and Jessica make up and live happily ever after.

Conner is moody and Alanna is an alcoholic: Alanna is really enjoying spending time with Conner and Megan, and she and Megan go to the mall together. Megan says Todd Wilkins asked her out but she doesn’t want to tell Conner because he’ll freak out about her dating a senior. Alanna doesn’t want to keep secrets from Conner so she convinces Megan to tell him. Conner starts yelling at Megan about how she shouldn’t be dating seniors. He calms down a little when Megan says she only told him because Alanna said she should. Conner and Alanna leave for their date, and Conner asks Alanna (again) if she’s been drinking. Alanna denies it (again) and Conner is relieved (again). New storyline, please. Alanna is sitting around in her room when she gets it into her head that Conner knew she was lying about not drinking and is just waiting to confront her about it. She decides to have a drink to calm her nerves. She doesn’t think she’s actually an alcoholic, so it’s totally okay if she has a few drinks every now and then.

When Conner finds out his mother is letting Megan go out with Todd, he yells at her for being such an irresponsible parent. What the fuck is your problem, jackass? Seriously, I don’t think there’s any way he could be less likable. He goes to school the next day and asks Liz to talk Megan out of going out with Todd. Liz (after she almost has a heart attack over the fact that Conner is speaking to her) tells him she can’t do that. Conner is all, “Whatever,” and Liz is all, “Why doesn’t he like me?” Oh my god, I will punch both of you in the face. When Megan tells Liz how much she likes Todd, Liz realizes it’s time to move on with her life. Oh, really? Thirty-five books into the series and you’re finally going to do something besides cry about Conner? I’m so sure.

Conner passes Todd in the hallway and clenches his jaw all moodily like he does. Todd waves and says hello because he’s a nice guy. He says maybe he and Megan will see Conner at the Riot on Friday, and Conner is all, “You’re not going anywhere with my sister.” Todd is confused, and then he just laughs and says Megan can go out with whoever she wants. Megan bitches at Conner that night and tells him to mind his own damned business. Conner doesn’t get why she can’t understand that he knows what’s best for her.

Conner wants to talk to Alanna about Megan, but she’s not answering her phone. He decides to go to her house. Alanna is falling down drunk when he gets there. Conner puts her to bed and then searches her room and removes all the alcohol. He locks up the liquor cabinet in Mr. Feldman’s study and puts the key in his own glove box. Conner picks up Alanna from school the next day and tells her he’s going to spend every second with her to make sure she doesn’t drink. She’s overjoyed that he isn’t dumping her, but a little annoyed. They spend a really boring evening watching television, and before he leaves, Conner tells Mrs. Feldman that Alanna needs help with her drinking. When he gets home, he calls Alanna’s friend Marissa and tells her to watch out for Alanna. Alanna’s mother grounds her and then Marissa calls and tells her what Conner said. Alanna calls Conner and tells him to back the fuck off. Then she digs out the one bottle Conner missed on his search through her room and gets drunk. After waking up with a hangover for the second or third day in a row, Alanna realizes she really does need help, so she meets Conner after school and asks him to go to an AA meeting with her. Hooray. Can we stop talking about alcoholism and move on to something else now?

Maria and Ken blah blah blah: Maria’s a mess because she cheated on that paper and Ken thinks she’s mad at him and is going to dump him any second. He finally asks her what’s going on and she tells him she turned in a paper she bought from that guy Tom. Ken is so relieved that Maria wasn’t cheating on him that he doesn’t even care that she did something so stupid. Maria just can’t live with the guilt anymore so she tells her teacher what she did. Because she’s so awesome and smart and everything, the teacher lets her make it up by writing another paper. She’ll just lose a full letter grade on it. That’s it.

Quotes:

It hardly ever rained in Sweet Valley. Why today? She just could not deal with this on top of the disaster at Jeremy’s party last night. She couldn’t.

It’s just rain, Jessica. You’ll live.

The Cover: He’s not clenching his jaw enough to really convey his Conner-ness.

The Moral of the Story: Jessica Wakefield is more important than your family.

The Big Deal: Championship football game

Synopsis:

So Alanna isn’t really drinking again. She apparently spit out the sip she had at the end of the last book. Now it’s Monday night and she’s still mooning over Conner. She’s on her way upstairs to her room when she sees the liquor cabinet in her father’s study is open. Alanna’s parents kind of suck. Alanna has some whisky and then immediately goes to the bathroom and makes herself throw up. This chick is all kinds of messed up. Conner’s hanging out in her driveway when she gets home from school the next day. They make up and everything is just peachy again. They go to “the boardwalk” and play carnival games (since when is there a boardwalk with carnival games anywhere near Sweet Valley?) and Conner thinks how great it is to actually be happy with someone honest, unlike Elizabeth, and how happy he is not to be drinking anymore. Meanwhile, Alanna is feeling totally guilty about the whisky she drank and then barfed up, but she doesn’t want to tell Conner about it. Which is probably for the best, since he’s thinking that if Alanna was drinking he couldn’t be with her anymore.

Jeremy’s mom says she found his University of Arizona application in the trash. He explains he doesn’t want to leave the family behind, and Mrs. Aames tells him they’re all moving to Arizona in a couple of weeks. It’s because the life they have in California is just too stressful for Jeremy’s dad. I don’t know how living in Arizona is going to keep him from having more heart attacks, but what do I know? Jeremy freaks out.

The championship game is coming up. Ken is excited and Will is irritated. Ken, football, football, Will, football, blah, blah, blah. God, I am so over this whole football thing. I’m glad the season is almost over. Will starts working for Ken’s dad, and Mr. Matthews can’t stop talking about what a good kid Will is. This makes Ken angry and it’s pretty much the exact same thing we read about before when Ken’s dad was always talking about what a good football player Will was. This is the most boring and pointless plot.

Ken is playing badly at practices for some reason. This has been happening a lot lately and I’m starting to think he’s just not as good at football as we’ve been led to believe. But Hank the Michigan scout calls and tells him that as long as he doesn’t suck in the championship game, he’ll get a full scholarship. Will goes to file some stuff in Mr. Matthews’ office and finds a letter from Hank telling Ken’s dad to meet him at halftime to “seal the deal.” He assumes they’re in cahoots to get Ken into Michigan.

Jeremy’s friend Trent (the same Trent that Tia was cheating on Angel with) says Jeremy can move in with his family and finish out the school year, but Jeremy’s mother insists the family has to stay together. Jeremy doesn’t even mention the possibility to Jessica because he knows he can’t take Trent up on his offer, but Trent says something to Jessica and now she’s all in a tizzy because he didn’t tell her he might be able to stay in California, and that must mean he’s not even considering it. But “how could this be?” Because, Jessica, the world does not revolve around you. At least not this year.

Ken is stinking up the whole stadium at the championship game. Will eavesdrops on Hank and Mr. Matthews and learns that in exchange for getting Ken into Michigan, Mr. Matthews has somehow secured a coaching job for Hank. Will isn’t quite sure what to do with this information. Sweet Valley ends up winning the game (no thanks to Ken) and Hank tells him he’s in like Flynn. Will decides to keep his knowledge to himself, but Melissa plans to make sure Ken knows he only made it into Michigan because of a shady deal.

Jeremy comes down to the field after the game and gives Jessica a big hug. His parents finally decided it would be okay if he wanted to stay with Trent, and Jeremy has made his decision. Jessica is super happy to know Jeremy has chosen her over his family. That’s awesome.

Alanna’s crappy parents yell at her for no reason and then leave the house for some party or something. Alanna tries to call Conner, but he’s at a guitar lesson so Alanna leaves a message with Megan. Feeling unloved and depressed, she heads over to the liquor cabinet and has some scotch. Conner comes over because Megan said she sounded pretty bad, and he can totally tell Alanna’s been drinking. He just doesn’t know what to do about it.

The Cover: I feel like Jeremy used to be cuter than this.

The Moral of the Story: Aspiring writers, if you can’t think of a way for two characters to resolve a fight, just have someone get sick and go to the hospital. Everyone always makes up in hospitals.

The Big Deal: Tia and Andy do New York.

Synopsis:

Jeremy and Jessica are suddenly all freaked out about what’s going to happen to their relationship when they go to college, but of course they don’t talk to each other about it. Jeremy wants to go somewhere far away and figures Jessica wants to do the same, but Jessica wants to stay close to home and thinks Jeremy does, too. Jeremy’s friends ask him about colleges and he decides to lie and say he and Jessica have talked about it. I have no idea why. And then, of course, one of the friends mentions it to Jessica. She says she wants to go to school in California and Jeremy says he’s already applied to a couple schools on the east coast. They’re suddenly in a fight. And this is pretty bad timing (or good, depending on how you look at it) because a friend of Jessica’s from junior high is in town. His name is Damon and Jessica can’t stop thinking about him. I hate when she does this.

Conner wants Tia and Andy to meet Alanna, so he asks them to hang out at Crescent Beach. Andy calls Evan for a ride, and it’s only when Evan says he didn’t know they were doing anything that night that Andy realizes Conner probably didn’t invite him because he’s still mad about Evan and Liz hooking up. When Evan shows up, Conner turns into a whiny baby again and stalks off, leaving Alanna to fend for herself. Tia and Andy are totally tactless when they start talking about how Liz was hurt when she wasn’t invited to hang out (why would she be invited to meet Conner’s new girlfriend?), and they get pissed at Alanna when she says something about not letting other people’s issues get to them. They think she’s talking about Liz’s issues, but she’s really talking about Conner. Whatever, they act like a couple of jerkfaces.

Andy and Tia leave the next morning for the trip to New York they won from that game show. Tia yells at the QTV guy for getting them a room with only one bed in it, Andy does some open mic standup comedy and gets the crowd laughing, and then they go on a romantic carriage ride through Central Park (they’re supposed to be a couple, remember). They both kind of wish they were sharing the romantic stuff with an actual romantic partner, and they vow to find themselves boyfriends when they get back to Sweet Valley*. I think it’s hilarious that Tia complained about the one bed and the QTV guy didn’t immediately call her and Andy fakers and send them home. What teenage couple is going to complain about sharing a bed?

Jessica and Jeremy go to see a movie, but during the previews Jeremy says he applied to a school in Arizona because it has a great archeology program and that’s what he wants to major in I guess. Jessica gets pissed and leaves. What a bitch. She calls Damon and they spend the evening together while Jessica thinks of all the ways she wishes Jeremy could be like Damon. She’s mean to Jeremy the next morning at work, and then his mother calls and tells Jeremy his father is in the hospital. Jeremy runs out the door.

Conner calls Alanna and asks her to hang out, but she’s all weird and vague when she says she can’t. Conner starts wondering just what her deal is and realizes he doesn’t even know where she lives. He plugs her name and phone number into a search engine and then drives out to the address that comes up. It’s a huge mansion in a rich neighborhood, and the housekeeper tells Conner that Alanna is having dinner at the country club with her parents. Conner’s a little pissed off, considering Alanna told him her mother was an alcoholic and her father took off a long time ago. He writes a short note saying he was there and then goes home.

As soon as Jessica can get away from work, she rushes over to the hospital to see Jeremy, picking up some coloring books and junk for his sisters along the way. When she gets there, Jeremy tells her his dad is fine. The doctors thought he had another heart attack, but he didn’t and he’s okay now. Then he and Jessica apologize to each other and he says he doesn’t want to go to school in Arizona after all. It’s mostly because he wants to stay near his family, but Jessica plays a part in his decision, too. Aw, Jeremy is the best Wakefield boyfriend yet.

Alanna calls Conner hoping he isn’t too mad, but he definitely is. He tells her he doesn’t think they should see each other anymore, but Alanna comes over later in tears. She says her mother really is an alcoholic and her father is hardly ever around so it’s just like he abandoned her so she never really told a lie. Conner’s not falling for it and he tells her to get the fuck out. Later he realizes the error of his ways and decides to call Alanna, but by that time she’s unplugged her phone in a fit of rage and started drinking again.

GIRLS, Conner McDermott is NOT THAT AWESOME. I thought Liz was going to kill herself after Conner broke up with her, and now this chick is throwing away all that hard work she put in at the rehab clinic. YOU ARE BOTH IDIOTS.

*At some point in the series, the El Carro kids start referring to the town they live in as Sweet Valley, but I thought Andy, Tia, Conner, etc. lived in El Carro and just went to school in Sweet Valley because their school got eaten by the earthquake. Did the entire town of El Carro disappear in the earthquake? Did the Sweet Valley city limits expand? I’m confused.

Quotes:

Elizabeth was always patting herself on the back for understanding people so well when she really didn’t understand anything. The thing was, she really seemed to buy her own bull. Elizabeth honestly thought that she knew what Conner’s life was like. And everyone else seemed to fall for it too.

As much as I hate Conner, he does seem to be the only one who doesn’t think Liz is the saint she thinks she is. Didn’t stop him from falling in love with her though so I guess it didn’t do him much good.

The Cover: OMG, white balance. Looks like a No Doubt video.

The Moral of the Story: Homecoming is the best time to start making out with your ex-boyfriend’s best friend.

The Big Deal: Homecoming

Synopsis:

Conner’s father has left him alone pretty much all weekend, and Conner’s annoyed by his lack of interest. He goes to a park and drinks the bottle of vodka he had in his trunk, and then he goes to the bar where he and his dad got drunk together the other night. He’s feeling pretty good until some redneck puts a country song on the jukebox. Conner flips out and tries to attack the guy, but he’s too drunk and his swing totally misses. The bartender shoves him into a booth where he just sort of puts his head down and spaces out for a while, and a little while later his father comes and drags him away. He puts him in a car, and then Conner blacks out.

Conner wakes up the next morning in a hospital bed. His father looks disgusted as he explains that Conner drank so much he got alcohol poisoning and could have died. The boy finally gets it through his fat head that he has a problem, and he calls his mother and tells her he’s coming home and wants to check into rehab.

Back in Sweet Valley, Liz is sitting around feeling sorry for herself and avoiding Evan’s calls because she doesn’t know what to say to him. Jessica is angry about all the time Liz has been spending with Evan because she doesn’t think Liz should be pursuing a guy Jessica used to date. Yeah, because Jessica has never done that to Liz. Liz keeps trying to tell herself she doesn’t like Evan that way.

Homecoming is just around the corner and Liz is on the planning committee with Jessica, but quits after Jessica yells at her about Evan. Maria quits because she’d rather mope about her breakup with Ken. Tia tries to quit because she doesn’t want to hang out with Liz after their fight about Evan, but Jessica tells her Liz isn’t on the committee anymore so Tia won’t have to deal with her.

A Wakefield family dinner is interrupted by the doorbell. Liz is shocked to see Conner at the door. She invites him in and he tells her he’s going to rehab. He leans toward her like he’s going to kiss her or something, and she instinctively backs away. She realizes she doesn’t love him anymore and wants him to leave. Conner seems to sense something like that, so he tells her they should take a break. Even though she agrees, Liz is of course pissed off that he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. Whatever.

Tia and Liz apologize to each other, and Tia sort of gives Liz and Evan her blessing. So when Evan asks Liz to the homecoming dance, she accepts. She tells Jessica she’s going with him and can’t figure out why Jessica is so mad. Jessica says she’d been planning on asking Evan to the dance and now she has to go dateless.

Will is still sulking about his knee and refusing to go back to school or let Melissa come over. She finally gets fed up when she calls and his mother says he’s not there even though Melissa can hear him in the background saying he doesn’t want to talk to her. She hangs up, and then Ken calls. He asks her to go to homecoming – just as friends – and Melissa thinks it’s a great way to get back at Will for being such a jackass.

There’s some boring stuff about Andy not doing well in school again and also getting all whiny about the fact that Conner only went to see Liz and Tia in person to tell them he was back and going to rehab, and didn’t come to see Andy at all. In the end, Conner sends Andy an email to apologize that he didn’t have time before leaving for the clinic, and also for blowing him off when Andy came to him with his concerns about being gay. Andy is placated.

Tia, Andy and Jessica go to prom together and have a nice friendly time. Jeremy shows up with Jade, but she’s freaking weird and she spends the whole night dancing with everyone but him. Jessica notices Jeremy standing by himself and goes over to talk to him. She doesn’t want to be a bitch, so she tries to tell him to work things out with Jade even though she really wants him for herself. So selfless. Of course, Jeremy is sickened by the way Jade’s acting and doesn’t even care about her anymore, and he’s bummed that Jessica is so obviously over him. Ugh. Liz and Evan dance together and then kiss in the middle of the dance floor.

The Cover: Liz is brooding, I guess. You know, ‘cause she’s Falling Apart.

The Moral of the Story: Talking about your feelings is no fun. Try to make the boy guess what you want from him.

Synopsis:

So of course Conner isn’t putting up with some crappy intervention. He walks right out the door, gets back in his car and drives off while Tia chases him down the street. When he gets home that night, he goes to his closet for his vodka bottle (hello, Mrs. Sandborn, maybe you should check your alcoholic son’s room for alcohol). Stuck to the bottom of the bottle is a postcard that must have been on the closet floor. Conner’s father sent it to him after he left eleven years ago. The postcard is from Red Bluff, which is only a four hour drive away. Conner takes off to find his father first thing the next morning, but leaves a note for Megan telling her not to worry. Megan goes to school and shows the note to Liz and the gang. When Andy finds out, he can’t help thinking what a jerk Conner is, putting his friends and family through so much crap. But when he says something to that effect, everyone is all taken aback and offended. Because Conner is just, like, so cool, you know?

Andy is pretty well fed up with his friends because he really needs to talk to someone about his own problems. He wants to tell his parents he’s gay, but he doesn’t know how to do it and it’s stressing him out. When people see him looking haggard, they just assume he’s upset about Conner, and when he tries to broach the subject with Liz and Evan, they tell him they don’t care that he’s gay, nothing’s changed. Well, Andy feels like he has changed and nobody will talk to him about it, goddammit.

Six comes up to Andy after a meeting of the Outdoors Club and asks him what’s wrong. When she says it sounds like Conner’s being flaky, Andy knows this is someone he can actually talk to. He tells her he’s gay and she says all the right things. She gives him some advice about telling his parents, and Andy goes home feeling better than he has in weeks. Good job, Six. Andy finally works up the nerve to talk to his parents, and they’re incredibly understanding. Hooray for Sweet Valley’s first set of decent parents!

Jade tells her mom about Jeremy, and Ms. Wu thinks it must be serious because Jade is acting like she actually cares about the guy. Then Jade drops off a present for Jeremy at House of Java, and one of the guys there teases her about how serious the relationship is. Jade is annoyed because she’s a party girl who doesn’t get serious. She and Jeremy go to a party together and she tells herself the standoffish way Jeremy is acting is totally what she wants in a guy. After a while she realizes she’s just kidding herself and she really wants to be Jeremy’s girlfriend. They go out to celebrate the two week anniversary of their first date, but Jeremy thinks it’s a joke while Jade is totally serious. She buys a sexy black dress and new earrings, and she’s confused when Jeremy just takes her to First and Ten and then home. They give each other cards and then Jeremy goes home. Jade’s note is long and mushy and says she wants to be Jeremy’s girlfriend. Jeremy’s note says, “These have been the best two weeks of my life – or was it three? Whatever. Let’s do it again sometime.” When Jade reads that and realizes Jeremy isn’t anywhere near as serious about her as she is about him.

Conner finds his dad’s name in Red Bluff’s phone book and goes to his house and knocks on the door. Mr. McDermott doesn’t recognize him, of course, and he doesn’t really know how to act when Conner tells him who he is. He asks after Conner’s mom and then tells Conner he can crash with him for a little while. Conner’s okay with the less than Kodak moment reception because the only reason he’s really here is to get away from El Carro. He and his dad end up going to a bar and getting drunk together, so Conner figures he made the right choice in coming to Red Bluff.

Liz has been a wreck since Conner took off, and Evan has been there to offer support whenever she needs it. Tia says something about all the time Liz and Evan are spending together, and Liz totally goes off on her and says they’re just friends, not like Tia and Conner were supposed to be just friends when they made out. Tia gets pissed and goes to Andy’s to vent. Andy has had enough. He tells her to shut up and that he told his parents he was gay without any support from his so-called friends. Tia feels terrible and takes Andy to House of Java, where she asks him all about what his parents said and lets him talk about himself for the rest of the night. Well, isn’t that magnanimous of her.

Evan and Liz go to a movie and then for ice cream and it’s all just wonderful. When he takes her home, Evan leans across the car to open Liz’s door for her, and that’s when Liz realizes she wants nothing more than to kiss him. She goes in for the kiss, but then freaks out and runs inside.

The Cover: This cover is a little different. Most of them are posed shots of someone looking directly at the camera. I don’t know what’s going on here, but Jeremy sure looks like he’s having a good time.

The Moral of the Story: Smart chicks don’t date quarterbacks.

The Big Deal: Football party, intervention

Synopsis:

It’s the day after Ken’s big football comeback, and Maria is all upset because when she calls Ken’s house, his dad tells her he hasn’t seen Ken since some cheerleaders brought him a spirit basket. Ken’s dad is just being an ass; the cheerleaders came over and dropped off their basket (this is some kind of football tradition) and then Ken went to the library. Mr. Matthews just wants to piss off Maria for some reason. Meanwhile, Ken is irritated that his own girlfriend hasn’t congratulated him on what a super awesome football player he is.

After dropping off the basket, Jessica, Lila and the other two cheerleaders who went with them go to House of Java and Jessica’s boss tells her she told Jade to come by during Jessica’s shift later so she can fire her. Jade doesn’t take the news well; Jessica has to admit she was the one who told Ally about Jade calling in sick and then showing up with Jeremy. She threatens Jessica by saying, “I won’t forget this.” Scary.

Conner’s mother comes to Liz’s house and tells her Conner is an alcoholic and she wants to have an intervention. Liz thinks that’s a bad idea because Conner isn’t exactly the kind of guy who’s just going to sit around and listen to all his friends tell him what’s wrong with him, but she figures Mrs. Sandborn knows more about this than she does so she agrees to talk to the rest of Conner’s friends and get it set up.

Jade goes to Big Mesa High to meet Jeremy after football practice. He’s surprised to see her, but he’s a nice guy so he chats with her a bit, telling her he’s sorry she lost her job. Jade lies and tells him she was breaking up with Josh when Jeremy showed up the other night and she’s really, really sorry. Jeremy forgives her and asks her to hang out the next night. Oh, Jeremy. She can’t possibly be that good-looking.

Todd tells Ken that all the football players are going to visit Will in the hospital and he should go with them to show his support. When Will sees him, he gets all upset and tells everyone to leave. Ken runs out of there and goes home, and only then does he call Maria to tell her he won’t be able to make it to her house to have dinner with her parents like he’d planned. The next morning, Ken sees Melissa at school looking really rough. He tries to say hello, but she can’t believe he would speak to her after going to see Will. She says, “Maybe if you’d never shown up there in the first place –” and then she walks away, overcome with emotion like the drama queen she is. Ken’s worried, so he waits for Melissa at her locker after school. She tells him Will is totally depressed and doesn’t want anyone, including her, to come visit him anymore. She starts crying and Ken gives her a hug.

A couple of guys come up to Maria and ask her if she’s going to the party in Ken’s honor the next night. Ken hasn’t mentioned anything about it, and of course Maria gets all worked up about that, wondering if he has some reason for keeping her in the dark. Then she turns a corner and sees Ken and Melissa hugging. She runs away in tears and thinks he didn’t tell her about the party because he plans to bring Melissa instead. Maria goes to Ken’s house that night to yell at him, and he explains the whole thing with Melissa. Maria calms down and says she’ll go to the party with him, but Ken still feels like something’s not right.

Conner is hanging out in his room thinking about how nobody understands him because he’s such a complicated guy and all. He’s mad at Liz and his mom for accusing him of having a drinking problem. Then a guy from The Shack calls and says the management liked Conner so much when he played on Friday that they want him to come back. Conner is pleased with himself and thinks that proves everyone wrong; how could he be such an amazing guitarist if he had a drinking problem? After he hangs up the phone, he has a few drinks to celebrate.

Jessica and Jeremy work together one night and flirt the entire shift away. Jessica is sure Jeremy is going to ask her out, but when he leaves he tells her he has a date with Jade. The date is just hanging out at home with his sisters and Jeremy thinks this will turn Jade off, but she happens to love kids. She has a fun time watching Jeremy with the girls, and she has to remind herself that all guys are just temporary. Jade makes sure to tell Jeremy it was Jessica who fired her, and Jeremy is appropriately shocked. The next morning at school, Jade thanks Jessica for firing her because it’s really helped with her relationship with Jeremy.

Ken’s big party happens to be on the same night as the intervention, but Maria doesn’t get a chance to tell him because she’s suddenly really mad at him for not being totally okay with Andy being gay. This kind of just came out of nowhere, but whatever. When Ken shows up to take her to the party, Maria says they have to get over to Conner’s to help him quit drinking. Ken barely knows Conner and doesn’t hardly even like him, and he’s pissed that Maria told Liz he would go. He says he’s going to his party, and he and Maria say, “Fine,” at each other, and then Ken leaves.

Conner gets home and sees all his friends’ cars on his street. He knows what’s up. He plans to go in there, tell them all to leave him alone and then go up to his room. He’s all set to do just that, but when he walks in he sees Megan sitting with everyone. He’s livid that they would bring his little sister into this, and he starts to leave. Liz stands up and says, “We’re here because we love you.” She immediately regrets using such a stupid cliché of a phrase.

The Cover: There’s something about this cover that makes me uncomfortable.

The Moral of the Story: If you want to be the starring quarterback, just make a wish that the current quarterback gets hurt. Sweet Valley is magic like that.

The Big Deal: Football game

Synopsis:

Evan calls Liz and tells her about Conner falling and then passing out the night before. He’s okay. Evan thinks he just passed out from being drunk and he wants Liz to talk to Conner about his problem. He tells her now isn’t the best time because Conner probably has a massive hangover, but Liz goes to his house anyway. When she gets there, Conner just yells at her and tells her to leave. She does, and then Andy comes over. He has no idea what’s going on, and he’s really hurt when he tells Conner he’s gay and Conner just laughs and kind of says, “Of course you are.” Poor Andy, he just wants someone to talk to. Once Andy is gone, Conner digs out his Jack Daniels bottle from under the bed and starts drinking again. You know, just to calm his nerves.

Will and his family are having brunch with the Michigan scout to seal the deal, and Ken sees them go into the restaurant. He’s really bummed because his father is being a jackass, and during an argument he basically told Ken he’s ashamed of him for not being a star football player anymore. Ken starts to feel like he really misses being a starting quarterback and he wishes he was more than just a benchwarmer. There really isn’t anything more to Ken than football, is there?

Jeremy goes to House of Java and apologizes to Jessica for yelling at her the night before. Jessica is relieved, but then Jeremy says he’s going to look for another job. She tries to talk him out of it, but he thinks it’s the best thing to do because he can’t work with Jade anymore. Jessica goes to her boss and tells her about the night Jade called in sick and then showed up with her date. The boss says Jessica has to fire her.

Liz leaves a message for Conner asking him to come to the big football game and talk to her there. Jessica calls Jeremy and asks him to meet her at the game, too. I don’t know why she couldn’t just tell him about firing Jade over the phone, but whatever. Conner shows up drunk. Evan sees him in the parking lot and tries to talk to him, but of course Conner just wants to act like a douchebag. After a cop comes up and says hello to them, Conner realizes he doesn’t want to talk to Liz or anyone else, so he goes home.

Will gets tackled during the game and breaks his leg. He gets rushed to the hospital, and the coach puts Ken in. He throws the ball in a super awesome way or something (I have never even watched a football game, so forgive my lack of knowledge), and the crowd goes wild. Sweet Valley wins, and Ken’s dad – there to cover the game for the paper – comes up to Ken with a big smile on his face. Ken is pissed because he feels like he shouldn’t have to play football for his dad to like him, and he turns his back on him. Maria says something to Mr. Matthews about the fact that he gave up on Ken, and he snaps at her, implying that she won’t like Ken anymore now that he’s going to be playing regularly. That’s a sharp blow, because Maria was just worrying about that herself.

Liz is upset that Conner never showed at the game and Jessica is upset that Jeremy didn’t show, either. Will wakes up in the hospital the next morning and Melissa tells him the doctor doesn’t think he’ll ever play football again.

The Cover: I thought for sure this book was going to be about Melissa and Will breaking up, but I guess it’s really about football. Whatever.

The Moral of the Story: Conner sucks.

The Big Deal: Conner’s gig

Synopsis:

Conner’s a moody little bitch these days and he’s taking it out on his liver. He’s got a gig coming up at a club called The Shack, and the only way he can calm his rattled nerves is with vodka. He gets falling down drunk one night and goes to school the next day with a hangover. All his friends ask him what’s wrong and of course he gets all pissed off at them because, as I said, he’s a moody bitch. Tia wants to talk to someone about Conner and the only person she can think of is Angel. When she calls him, he tells her he has a new girlfriend. Tia hangs up the phone and goes to Andy’s. He lets her vent for a while, and then he tells her what he told Maria and the twins that morning, that he might be gay. Tia gives him a hug and feels shitty for going on and on about her stupid problems while Andy’s been dealing with this life-altering thing.

Tia finds Conner one night drinking at the beach. She tells him she’s worried about him and sort of threatens to tell Liz about the drinking. Conner says their friendship is over if she does that. She goes to Liz anyway and says she’s worried about Conner’s drinking, but Liz tells her she’s being paranoid. Conner makes up some lie to explain to Liz why he’s not talking to Tia.

Jade Wu is really obnoxious. There’s a bit about her mother going out with a different guy every night and almost never being home (did she divorce the tyrannical Mr. Wu?), so I guess I’m supposed to feel sorry for Jade, but I just don’t. Jeremy is halfway to falling in love with her, but Jade doesn’t think twice before accepting Josh Radinsky’s invitation to “study” with him after school. Lila overhears this and gets mad because she used to date Josh. Jade does a lot of eye rolling and can’t figure out why everyone is so uptight about their ex-boyfriends.

Lila goes to House of Java and tells Jessica that Jade is cheating on Jeremy. Jessica isn’t sure if she should believe Lila, but she overhears Josh the next morning talking about how he hooked up with Jade. Jessica confronts Jade, and Jade tells her to mind her own business. Jessica tells Jeremy that Jade is cheating on him, and of course he gets mad at Jessica and accuses her of lying because she’s jealous.

There’s some pointless crap about Will and Melissa. They’re planning to go to the same college next year and live together off campus, but Will really wants to go to Michigan and Melissa doesn’t. A football scout from Michigan comes and watches Will play and then tells him he can pretty much get a free ride. When Will tells Melissa, she says she wants to go wherever he’s going and she’s already filling out her application to Michigan. No drama, no excitement. I so don’t care.

Everyone goes to Conner’s gig at The Shack. Liz tells Tia she thinks whatever reason Conner gave her for their fight is stupid and they should just make up. Tia is pissed that Conner lied about her, so she goes backstage with Liz to wish Conner luck. He’s obviously drunk back there, and Liz and Tia try to tell him he shouldn’t go on. He yells at them both and tells them to leave him alone. Liz and Tia sit in the audience worrying that Conner’s going to make a fool out of himself, but he actually sings and plays just as well as he always does. The girls are shocked and wonder if they were mistaken, but Conner yells at them after the show about them needing to back off and quit trying to mother him. He tells the guys he wants to go hang out at Crescent Beach, so off they go.

Jeremy and Jade went to the show together, but Jessica sees Jade talking to Josh. (Everyone’s name in this storyline starts with J. That’s annoying.) Josh wants Jade to ditch Jeremy and join him at Crescent Beach, and Jade accepts. Jade has Jeremy take her home, claiming she has to get to bed because she has an early morning. Jeremy drops her off, and then goes home to find Jessica waiting on his doorstep. She says she can prove Jade is cheating if he’ll just come with her. He goes just so she’ll shut up, and then throws a fit when he sees Josh and Jade together. He tells both Jessica and Jade that he never wants to see either of them again.

Conner’s getting mad because his friends are trying to get him to go home. He climbs up on some rocks and promptly falls off of them. He hears someone say they need to call an ambulance and only then does he notice he’s bleeding from the head.

The Cover: “I’m Conner. I’m deep and brooding. Nobody understands me, so I clench my jaw and make sure everyone knows how miserable I am.”

The Moral of the Story: If you act like a total drunken asshole all the time, the girls will be falling all over you.

Synopsis:

Jessica is annoyed about Jeremy and Jade and all the flirting going on at House of Java. Before cheerleading practice one day, Lila overhears Jessica muttering about Jade in the locker room and asks her what’s going on. It’s pretty much the first time Lila has spoken to her in months, so Jessica confides in her. Lila says it sounds like Jeremy is just trying to make her jealous by flirting with Jade. Jessica laughs off the idea at first, but the more she thinks about, the more convinced she becomes that this is actually what Jeremy is doing.

Jessica starts flirting with everyone who comes into House of Java, figuring this is the best way to get Jeremy to notice her again. This plan backfires, of course, because Jeremy assumes all her flirting means she’s over him and it gives him the extra little push he needs to ask out Jade. She says she’ll go out with him Friday night, but then he sees her name on the schedule. Jade tells him she’ll take care of it.

Conner is trying as hard as he can to avoid Tia. He knows making out with her was a big mistake and he doesn’t want to talk about it. He does want to talk to Liz and set things right with her and it seems like she wants to talk to him, too. Unfortunately, they can’t seem to find any alone time. On top of all that, Conner’s mom is driving him crazy by asking him to complete such daunting tasks as checking the chemicals in the pool, and Conner is dealing with it all by drinking the liquor his mom hid around the house back when she was drinking. He finally does get together with Liz and can’t believe it when she tells him she loves him. He says it back and thinks this is it, he doesn’t have to drink anymore. But of course he gets drunk the next time Liz has to work, and then he yells really hurtful things at Tia when she comes over and tries to talk. I can’t figure out why all the girls love this guy.

Jeremy’s date with Jade is kind of stressful because somewhere along the line, Jade has turned into this blunt, sarcastic, adventurous “cool” chick. Jeremy thinks it’s just so neat that she’s using an old camera case as a purse and he almost throws up at the tattoo parlor when Jade gets her bellybutton pierced. After that, Jade suggests going to House of Java. Jeremy guesses she must have found someone to work for her, but realizes that’s not the case when they get there and see Jessica at the counter by herself, totally panicked. Jessica can’t believe Jade would show up after calling in sick, but Jade just laughs at her and takes her coffee out to the patio. Damn, Jade is a little bitch. Jeremy is pissed off. He’s a responsible guy who would never do what Jade just did. He tells her he wants to take her home and then come back and help Jessica close. Jade doesn’t like that one bit and she gets up and storms off to the car. Jeremy drives her home in silence and he’s just starting to gain my respect again, but then Jade kisses him goodnight and he decides he can’t wait to see her again. He goes back and helps Jessica close up shop, and Jessica gives him a hug and tries to kiss him. He pushes her away and tells her they’re just friends. Jessica is embarrassed and hurt.

The next morning, Jessica sees Andy at House of Java and sits next to him on her break. She immediately starts talking about what happened with Jade and Jessica last night. Then Maria comes in and says she’s worried about Ken because his dad is cheating on his girlfriend and Ken got into a fight with him about it. Andy has been trying for a week to get someone to talk to him about his problems, and he’s getting frustrated that nobody will listen to him. He gets fed up when Liz sits down and starts complaining about Tia, and he finally blurts out that he thinks he might be gay. Then he smiles because he’s happy to have finally gotten everyone’s attention.

The Cover: Don’t you smirk at me, Jade. Bitch.