Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: If you hire women as prison guards, they’ll fall in love with the inmates and all hell will break loose.

Synopsis:

This book could have been at least seventy-five pages shorter than it was. Not very much happens and fully half the damn thing takes place on horseback. There’s so much filler and pointless dialogue; I think the ghostwriter was just trying to up the word count.

John Marin is back in jail, but the Wakefields are all jumpy and freaked out. Ned arranges for everyone (except poor Steve) to take a trip to Catalina Island. Their first day there, the twins decide to go horseback riding. Unbeknownst to them, John Marin has escaped from prison with the help of a female guard who has fallen in love with him (don’t even get me started on that). Marin makes his way to Catalina Island because he’s so charming and handsome that people just can’t seem to help breaking rules for him. He finds out where the twins are and bribes a stable hand to give him a horse.

The twins, of course, leave the safety of their guided ride because it’s boring. They promptly get lost in the woods and end up on a nearly impassable rocky trail. Marin finds them and chases them for a while. Jessica’s horse balks and refuses to go anymore, so Jessica jumps on Liz’s horse, and then Liz jumps them off a thirty-foot cliff to get away from Marin. Naturally, everyone is perfectly fine after this stunt.

Ned freaks out when he realizes Marin is on the island so he also bribes the stable hand. He sets off on his horse and finds the girls. It’s about this time that Alice also freaks out and decides she’s going to join the search. Luckily, Ned and the twins arrive back at the stable before she can take yet another horse out. Ned decides they should all get off the island, so Joe the stable hand takes them to his fiancé’s mother’s house because she rents houseboats to tourists. The Wakefields set out for the mainland.

Marin somehow figures out where the Wakefields got a boat, knocks Joe’s future mother-in-law over the head and steals a small motorboat from her. When he catches up to the Wakefields’ houseboat, he cuts the motor and somehow makes it look like he’s in trouble. Ned sees the motorboat barely staying afloat in the inevitable storm that’s now raging and decides he has to help whoever’s out there. He takes a small dinghy from the houseboat to the motorboat, and when he gets there, Marin sneaks around him and steals the dinghy. Ned realizes he’s been had when he sees the motorboat has a broken radio and is filling with water.

On the houseboat, Marin threatens the womenfolk and ties them up. He splashes gasoline everywhere and starts lighting matches. He’s about to toss one onto Jessica when Ned suddenly bursts onto the scene and knocks him out. Ned gets Alice and the girls to the dinghy, then goes back for Marin because he’s too wholesome and good to just let the bastard die. It doesn’t matter though. Marin is already dead when Ned gets to him. Ned jumps into the water and swims to the dinghy. The Wakefields are finally safe.

Quotes:

“Liz, you have nothing to apologize for,” Todd said. “I was the jerk – for not realizing how bored you were.”

Yes, Todd. It’s your fault Liz cheated on you. Just keep telling her that to ensure that she keeps doing it. Idiot.

[Alice] folded the skimpy dress into Jessica’s light-blue suitcase…She shook her head at the thought of her own daughter wearing such a thing. But she never would have dreamed of forbidding her. In eighteen years of motherhood, Mrs. Wakefield had learned to choose her battles…Some parents flew off the handle over clothes and haircuts. But such trappings were trivial.

You don’t have to fly off the handle in order to tell your daughter not to dress like a skank.

The Cover: I think the twins are making a porno while a Sam Winchester lookalike waves his knife around. Maybe he thinks they’re demons.

Sam Winchester

The Moral of the Story: If you send criminals to jail, they’ll come back to kill your family.

The Big Deal: Summer vacation

Synopsis:

So, this book has a prologue, which is weird. A man named John Marin sits in a prison cell staring at the newspaper clippings he’s gathered over the last few months. Each one contains something about the Wakefield twins. They sure are in the paper a lot. Anyway…

It’s the first day of summer vacation again, and this time the twins are for once NOT going to work at a newspaper. They’ve taken jobs as waitresses at the Marina Café. Alice will be spending the summer working on a new job at a mansion that’s being remodeled, Steve will be working at Ned’s law firm and Ned will be fretting about the twins because John Marin just got out of jail. Marin, who is now twenty-eight but still looks like he’s twenty, killed a mother and daughter ten years ago and Ned was the attorney that put him away. Marin didn’t like that much and threatened Ned’s family and now here we are.

The twins’ boss, Mr. Jenkins, can’t get tell them apart. Rather, he obviously can since he’s pretty consistent in calling Liz Jess and Jess Liz. Whatever, I don’t even care. Liz is awed by another waitress, Jane, who’s on her fourth summer at the Marina Café. Jane tells Liz she just graduated from college and Liz just can’t believe it because Jane doesn’t look twenty-two. Jane laughs and confirms that she’s really twenty-six. Oh, shut up. Jessica flirts with a customer named Scott Maderlake who looks about twenty and has blue eyes. He says he’s an intern scouting out locations for his boss’s next film, which will take place at a high school. Of course, Jessica offers to show him Sweet Valley High. He’s like Jessica’s dream man. When Ned gets home from work that night, he finds that John Marin has broken into the house and left him a threatening note.

This book sucks already.

Liz is tired of her boring life (again) and wants to do something adventurous (again). After she and Todd see some movie for the fourth time, they go to the Dairi Burger, where Liz looks across the room and sees her soulmate, some guy who looks about twenty with blue eyes. She doesn’t speak to him or anything, but she knows he was meant for her. He shows up at the café the next day, sailing up on his boat, The Emily Dickinson. Both twins notice a creepy old man watching them all day, and Liz actually runs into him in the storage room. She runs out and straight into the arms of soulmate guy. His name is actually Ben Morgan and he seems like Liz’s dream man. Neither twin wants to tell the other about her new boyfriend.

After showing Scott the high school and then having dinner with him, Jessica goes home and discovers her lavaliere is missing. Ned later finds the lavaliere, along with a note that says “Such a lovely young neck,” in an envelope with his name on it. He calls the private investigator he’s had watching the twins. His name is Jim Battaglia and he tells Ned that Jessica has been seeing a guy, but he doesn’t look anything like the mug shot Jim received (Marin intercepted the real mug shot and replaced it with someone else’s). Jim offers to investigate the boyfriend, but Ned says not to bother since he’s “no different from the other hundred or so that she’s been out with in the last year.”

The days go by and nothing much happens. Jessica secretly goes out with Scott, Liz secretly goes out with Ben, Marin sends Ned threatening notes, Ned freaks out. The twins are being followed and watched by at least two men, one having been hired by Marin and one by Ned’s P.I. We’re not supposed to know which is which. Then one day Jim calls and tells Ned that Marin’s been taken into custody. He had a lavaliere on him. Yeah, right. You know it’s the wrong guy.

The twins are locking up the café the next night. Jessica sees a man with a knife in the storage room. She screams and the guy runs away. They call the police and then go down to the station. The cops have them pick the guy out of a lineup, but the guy they pick is “Marin,” who’s been in jail since the night before. The cops finally figure out the guy they have isn’t Marin, but some guy named Pilchard. Marin hired him to watch the twins and gave him Jessica’s necklace as part of his payment. Ned, intending to demand how the mugshot got mixed up, drives to Jim’s house and finds the P.I. dead. There’s a note from Marin next to the body.

On the way home from the police station, Liz tells Jessica about Ben and asks her to cover for her while she goes sailing with him. Later that night, Jessica is confronted by Ned and a couple cops. They tell her about Marin and show her Marin’s picture and she’s all, “Don’t be silly, that’s my new boyfriend!” It finally sinks in that her new boyfriend is a murderer, but she still insists that Liz’s secret boyfriend is someone different altogether. Jane the waitress is the only one who’s seen Ben, so they find her at the Beach Disco and she confirms that the guy in the mugshot is Ben.

Liz and Marin are about to make out on “Ben’s” boat when a Coast Guard boat carrying Ned, Jessica and some cops shows up. Marin threatens Liz with a knife and there’s a struggle. Liz gets away from him and somehow falls overboard. Jessica seems to be the only one who notices, so she jumps off the Coast Guard boat to rescue her. In the end, Marin manages to escape in a dinghy and later the cops find evidence that he’s been eaten by sharks. But of course he wasn’t. He’s hiding in the Wakefields’ basement. After the twins go to sleep, Marin goes to their room to kill them, but Ned comes along and knocks him out the window. The cop outside says Marin is going back to jail. Yeah, right. If he was, I wouldn’t have a whole second book to read in this miniseries.

Quotes:

Elizabeth tried to listen, but she found herself focusing on Todd’s neat, conservative haircut, his wholesome good looks, and his mall-store rugby shirt. He was so ordinary…For the first time, Elizabeth realized just how unsophisticated her boyfriend really was.

Ugh, you are such a snob.

Jessica: The money isn’t what’s important!

Lila: Bite your tongue!

Your daily dose of Lila.

The Cover: Awesome floppy nineties hair, John! Love it. The best part of this cover is the clippings on the wall. Most of them are whatever, but you can clearly see the covers of Jessica Quits the Squad and Murder in Paradise. Up at the top you can see Marin in his twin-tailored personalities – the poet sailor with Liz and the movie guy with Jessica.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: Terrible things happen when you don’t listen to Elizabeth.

The Big Deal: Camping trip from hell

Synopsis:

Everyone is tired and hungry. Liz calculates it will take two days to get to the rendezvous point, so they start walking. It soon becomes apparent that Heather and her sprained ankle are going to slow them down way too much. Liz suggests Jessica stay with Heather while everyone else goes for help. A little while later, they come to a fork in the road. Ken and Liz think they should take the high road because they could die in a flash flood on the low road if it rains. Bruce and Todd think that’s stupid, so they all split up. Of course, the second they’re alone, Ken and Liz start to remember how attracted they are to each other. My god, these kids are ridiculous. I mean, each guy on this stupid camping trip has made out with each Wakefield twin at some point. Anyway, down on the low road, Bruce can’t resist taunting Todd about Ken and Liz being alone together.

That night, Bruce kills a snake, which Todd finds disgusting. Ken and Liz see a bunch of shooting stars. Jessica wakes up to find the escaped convicts snooping around the camp. She keeps quiet, hoping they’ll go away, but Heather wakes up and starts screaming.

The next morning, Todd is so tortured by the idea of Liz and Ken being together that he plots a course that will take him and Bruce right to Ken and Liz. Bruce figures it out after a little while and stays right where he is, letting Todd stomp off alone. Liz is climbing up a cliff while Ken waits at the bottom when the rock under her hand suddenly crumbles. She can’t go up or down because the rock keeps crumbling. She hangs out there for a pretty long while, and then suddenly Bruce is pulling her up. Unfortunately, a huge bald eagle swoops down and steals Bruce’s bag of gold while he’s saving Liz. Todd shows up shortly and they all yell to Ken at the bottom that Liz is okay.

Meanwhile, Heather and Jessica are tied up while the bad guys ask them where the gold is. They say they don’t have any. Jessica thinks two of the guys look like Moe and Larry from the Three Stooges, so that’s what she calls them. The third guy seems nice because he gives Jessica beef jerky and water when Moe isn’t looking. Jessica calls him Jack. Moe is apparently obsessed with explosions and stuff, so he fires off Jessica’s flare gun. When they see the flare, Liz and the rest of the gang figure Jessica and Heather are in trouble so they go running back the way they came. So then they’re all in trouble.

They hand over all their gold to the bad guys and then it starts raining. Liz yells that they’re all targets for lightning and they should get to lower ground. The bad guys tie the kids up and leave them to be lightning rods. This is exactly what Liz wanted. They get themselves untangled and start running away, but then they see Jack getting swept away in the rising river. They save him and then they all talk for a while. Jack wants to make it to the border and then try to make a life for himself, start over. Heather can’t stop flirting with him. She’s fucking weird.

Everyone assumes Moe and Larry are dead, but of course they’re not. The gang is walking by a cave and suddenly Moe reaches out and grabs Liz, dragging her in. Jack tries to reason with him and convince him to let the kids go, but Moe is a murderer and really just wants to kill someone. Jessica creates a diversion by acting like her stomach hurts, giving Jack time to get behind Moe and get the knife away from him. Moe pushes Liz away so he can fight with Jack. The fight results in Jack getting shot. So no help there. Moe cocks the gun and points it at Jessica, but just then everyone can hear an airplane outside. Moe runs out, telling Larry to kill the kids. Jessica manages to sweet talk him into not doing that. Larry fires all six shots over his head and then runs outside. Then the roof caves in, leaving the stupid kids trapped in the dark with no way out.

Jessica starts exploring and finds a path that leads deeper into the cave. Liz is the only one with a flashlight, since the others ditched theirs to make room for the gold. Following Jessica’s path will be dangerous, so Liz reinstitutes the buddy system and insists it will be safer if everyone stays with their original buddies. They walk for a while and then they’re suddenly walking through water. The water is rising and if they don’t get out soon, they’ll all drown.

Ugh, it’s just one thing after another with these fucking kids.

So the water rises to the level of their necks and somehow the flashlight gets knocked to the ground and everyone thinks they’re going to die. And then suddenly the water recedes. Everyone is super happy for a minute, but then Ken gets frustrated and punches the cave wall and part of it crumbles away. Turns out it’s just shale, so everyone starts punching and kicking the wall and they eventually come out not fifty yards from the rendezvous point. They all get to go home and everyone is happy, though Jessica is dismayed to find that the one gold nugget she saved is actually pyrite, and Liz is upset that the diary she found is a fake, probably left over from a movie set or a reenactment or something.

Quotes:

“Do you think you could manage for one second to get that tone of superiority out of your voice?” Todd asked Elizabeth flatly.

Ah, ha ha! Seriously.

“Well, I have, in fact, kissed both girls myself,” Bruce replied. “And between you and me, Todd, neither one is really that hot.”

I’ll admit that Bruce had me cracking up through most of this book.

The Cover: Ha, Jessica and Heather look like they’re being stalked by ghosts. I imagine Heather is the one in the baseball cap, even though I don’t think she would actually ever wear one. Elizabeth falling off the cliff is pretty funny. Her legs look way too long. And aw, look at Bruce actually caring about someone.

The Moral of the Story: Being pretty is a dangerous thing.

Synopsis:

Alice Wakefield has won a trip to the luxurious Paradise Spa. She takes along the twins and their best friends, Lila and Enid. Their mothers are invited too, but only Grace Fowler can make it. Adele Rollins can’t get the time off work, so already we know we’re supposed to feel sorry for Enid, who walks around feeling ugly and fat because Hugh just dumped her.

When the gang gets to the spa, Jessica immediately forgets about Ken Matthews and falls in love with Chris, the good-looking golf instructor. It appears that everyone who works at Paradise Spa is freaking gorgeous except the owner, Tatiana Mueller. She surprises everyone when she turns out to be ugly and disfigured. Alice feels like she and Tatiana have met before, but then shrugs the feeling off. Clearly, Alice doesn’t know she’s in a Super Thriller.

Jessica and Lila are freaked out and horrified when they realize there are no mirrors anywhere in the cottage. At breakfast the next morning, Jessica asks for one and Tatiana gets all creepy and says no, only inner beauty matters. Then breakfast comes and Liz notices their beautiful waitress, Katya, seems sad. After the meal, Jessica goes for her golf lesson with Chris. She gets annoyed when Chris starts asking about her sister, and when he asks if Jessica thinks Liz would go out with him, she throws her golf club on the ground and walks away.

Tatiana takes a special interest in Enid and gives her a special hair treatment “just for redheads.” While Tatiana works on her hair, Enid tells her how envious she is of Liz because she has straight blond hair and a boyfriend and a loving mother who was able to take time off work. Tatiana is all weird and eggs Enid on, trying to make her feel like nobody cares about her.

Chris finds Liz later and asks her to play tennis with him after dinner. Liz wants Enid to join them so she asks Chris to bring a friend. Enid gets pissy for some reason. But she goes and is instantly attracted to Chris’ roommate Alex, who works as a groundskeeper at the spa. Alex seems to like Enid, too, until Jessica shows up and starts putting on a cheerleading show. Chris and Alex invite the girls to their room for ice cream, and Lila and Enid watch while the twins monopolize the boys. Enid is miserable, but Lila’s just disgusted that they’re so interested in the hired help.

The next day, Liz asks Katya about her family. Katya bursts into tears and says she ran away and will never see her mother again. Then she runs off. Later, Liz and Chris have a picnic and start making out. It’s totally okay because when she’s with Chris, Liz forgets all about Todd so I guess it’s not like she’s cheating or anything.

Enid meets Tatiana for another hair treatment. Tatiana hypnotizes Enid and plants a suggestion that Enid’s mother doesn’t love her and wishes she’d never been born. Enid starts spending lots of time with Tatiana, who keeps hypnotizing her. Enid’s mom calls the cottage one day and Liz is shocked when Enid says she doesn’t feel like talking to her.

Katya, Chris and Alex take Lila and the twins out for a game of Frisbee golf and accidentally lead them into the woods where they all stumble upon a big white building with no windows in the middle of a clearing. The spa employees freak out and run off, yelling at everyone to follow them. Later, Liz overhears Tatiana yelling at Katya for bringing the guests into the woods.

Liz can tell that Katya has taken a liking to Alice, so she asks her to talk to her. Katya tells Alice she wishes she could go home, but she can’t. That night, Jessica finds Katya dead in the steam room. Tatiana says Katya had a heart condition, but Liz is suspicious. She snoops in Katya’s room that night and finds out she was a runaway. On her next date with Chris, Liz asks if he’s also a runaway. It turns out he and Alex both ran away from home to work at Paradise. Then she finds out all the other teenage employees are runaways, too, and they all work at the spa for no money, just room and board. Liz thinks they all seem brainwashed.

Alice, Grace, Lila and the twins go to a waterfall as a sort of remembrance thing for Katya. Liz is explaining to Jessica that something strange is going on when Grace suddenly starts shouting for Alice, who has apparently disappeared. The twins run back to the spa and tell Tatiana what happened, but Tatiana tries to placate them by saying Alice probably just wanted some alone time.

The twins go back to their room to try to call their father, but the phone is dead. Jessica goes to Tatiana’s office to tell her the phones are down. Before she can knock on the door, Jessica hears Tatiana talking on the phone. But when Jessica enters the office a few minutes later and asks to use the phone, Tatiana tells her all the phones are down, including hers. Jessica leaves the office and then sees Tatiana run down the hallway. She sneaks back into the office and finds a Sweet Valley University yearbook from Alice’s senior year. Alice’s picture has been cut out.

While Jessica is doing that, Liz checks out the phone cord in the cottage and realizes it’s been cut. Luckily, she has her trusty laptop and she plugs it into the phone line. If she’s got her own cord, I don’t know why she doesn’t just plug in the phone. Anyway, there’s a convoluted explanation of how Liz gets on the internet and emails her dad. Then she gets on “INFOMAX,” where she does a search for the skin and hair treatments Enid’s been undergoing. The result is “plastic surgery.” Liz can’t believe Enid would ever consider plastic surgery.

Back in Tatiana’s office, Jessica looks through a folder marked “Staff.” There are two files for each employee, a  Before and an After. There’s a photograph in each one, and it’s clear that all the employees have undergone plastic surgery. There’s a Before file for Enid, and it contains a computer generated image of what Enid would look like after having surgery. Jessica is freaking out over this when suddenly the door opens and the lights come on. Don’t worry, it’s just Enid. Jessica waves the file around and says Tatiana has a plan for her, but Enid just gets all happy and tells Jessica how excited she is to look like a supermodel.

Liz is freaking out and she decides to go outside to look for Alice again. She thinks she’ll go back to the waterfall. It doesn’t occur to her to check out the creepy building everyone was afraid of. Right after she leaves, Jessica comes back to the cottage and tells Lila and Grace what she found. Liz’s computer beeps, which means she has a message. Jessica opens the email from Ned, who wants Liz to tell Alice that they did know Tatiana Mueller in college. She lived down the hall from Alice’s dorm room and worshipped Alice. Everyone called her Tatty Mule because she was ugly. Last he heard, Tatiana went to medical school. Jessica realizes Tatiana wants to be just like Alice and that Alice is in trouble.

Liz is at the waterfall when she suddenly feels something close around her wrist. She gets pulled into a cave behind the waterfall and is surprised to see Chris standing there in a white lab coat and looking all mean. He takes her arm and tells her Tatiana is expecting her. Here’s what we learn:

• Tatiana wants to look like Alice.
• She went under the knife at twenty-three, but the surgeon sucked. That’s why she’s disfigured.
• She became the best plastic surgeon ever so that she could train someone to do it right.
• That someone is Marguerite, Tatiana’s assistant who’s only been mentioned once before at the beginning of the book.
• Marguerite is going to make Tatiana look just like Alice.
• Tatiana is going to kill Alice, because there can’t be two of them.

Just when Liz thinks Tatiana is going to kill her, Jessica, Lila and Enid show up to save the day. Well, Enid is sort of along for the ride, but during all the Evil Villain and Pleading Protagonist speeches, Enid’s brainwashing comes undone and she helps take Tatiana down. Then the cops show up. The next morning, all the spa employees run around yelling, “Mrs. Mueller is gone! We don’t have to work here anymore!”

Quotes:

Jessica: These portions are half of what we get for dinner at home, Mom. I’m going to wither away!

Liz: It feels good not to be stuffed, to eat just as much as you need and no more.

Is there some reason you can’t eat that way at home? Does someone force you to eat past the point where you’re comfortable?

“Fifteen love,” [Chris] said in a strong, clear voice as he set up for his next serve, and Elizabeth sensed that in addition to announcing the score, he was sending her a special message. A message about love…

Ugh, can Liz just get laid already? Maybe then she’d stop being so obsessed with “love.”

The Cover: I will never understand what Lila is doing, but Jessica seems to think it’s pretty funny. Liz (Alice? No, probably Liz.) is wearing an ugly swimsuit and has really bad hair.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: I … I got nothing.

Synopsis:

The twins aren’t speaking to each other because Jessica thinks it’s Liz’s fault that everyone thinks her boyfriend is a murdering werewolf. They’re both out to find the truth, but neither wants the other to know what she’s doing. Jessica sneaks into the house of Dr. Neville, the first murder victim. She finds a file labeled “S., Annabelle.” The only thing in the file is a report that Annabelle died from pneumonia nine years ago. Jessica thinks it’s weird that there’s nothing else in the file and she puts it in her bag. She hears someone else in the house and crawls out the window just before Liz comes in. Liz decides to take the file on Robert Pembroke, then goes through the doctor’s Rolodex. She comes across a business card for Mildred Price, Robert’s childhood nanny, and is certain Robert is hiding out at her house. She starts to write down Mildred’s information, but then a noise scares her. She just takes the card and leaves just before the murderer comes in. The unnamed werewolf searches through Dr. Neville’s filing cabinet, goes into a rage about one of the twins having stolen something, and then sees Mildred Price’s name written down next to the Rolodex. He thinks, “Nanny Millie,” and leaves.

Liz goes back to the boardinghouse that night and gets all homesick for Sweet Valley. Then she thinks how lucky she is to have found Luke. She thinks about calling him and then realizes he never gave her his number. Liz looks at the necklace Luke gave her. There’s an “A” engraved on the back of the medallion and Liz wonders if “A” was Luke’s mother, who got him interested in werewolves. Pat, I think I’d like to solve the puzzle. Liz is convinced the medallion has kept her out of danger, but she thinks her twin needs it more than she does so she puts it in Jessica’s bag. Besides, she still has the silver bullet Luke gave her.

The next morning, Jessica wakes up late for work and rushes out the door. Halfway to the tube station, she realizes she’s forgotten her bag. She goes back for it, and when she gets to her room, it’s clear someone has been there. The door is open and Jessica’s bed is made. Jessica has no doubt that Robert has been there. I don’t know why.

When Liz gets to work, Luke asks her where her necklace is. Liz explains that she gave it to Jessica, and then asks about the inscription on the pendant. Luke says the necklace did indeed belong to his mother, Ann. Then Tony Frank, who was just promoted to the crime desk, says there’s been another murder. The victim is Mildred Price. Of course. Liz and Tony leave to investigate.

Then there’s another scene of the murderer tearing the twins’ room apart. He finds the file labeled “Robert Pembroke, Jr.” and the one labeled “S., Annabelle.” That’s great, but he knows one of the twins has a silver bullet. Unfortunately, no amount of vandalism will make it appear. The murderer leaves, figuring the twins have the bullet.

When the twins get home from work that night, they each say they’re missing a file and Liz says her silver bullet is missing. Later, Jessica is looking at the medallion she found in her bag and notices the engraving. She puts the initial together with the file she found and asks Liz where Luke got the medallion. Liz says he got it from his mother, Ann. Jessica thinks, “Ann, not Annabelle. So much for that brilliant idea.” Sigh.

The next morning, the twins find out Lord Pembroke Senior himself has been attacked. Jessica goes to see him at the hospital, and the man is all kinds of doped up. He sees Jessica’s necklace and says it looks like the one he gave Annabelle, the only woman he ever really loved. Then he says he wants Jessica to tell Robert he has a brother.

Liz decides it’s a good time to go snoop around Pembroke Manor some more while the Pembrokes are in the city. Tony Frank goes with her, and she shows him the secret werewolf room. They find a box full of letters from Annabelle. The letters tell them that Lord Pembroke and Annabelle were in love, but couldn’t marry because of their different classes. Annabelle had a baby at some point. Liz and Tony figure he could be anywhere from nine to nineteen years old. They wonder if Robert’s killing spree could somehow be a result of learning he has an illegitimate brother. When Liz tells Luke about Annabelle, he gets all intense and weird and tells her not to go where the werewolf can find her.

That night, the twins have another argument because Liz is a bitch and Jessica is a drama queen. Later, Liz is feeling sad and wants to talk to someone. She goes to Rene’s room and knocks on the door, but he doesn’t answer. She tries to open the door, but it’s locked. For some reason, this sends Liz into a rage and she’s all pissed off at Rene for never being there for her. (I think this is all part of a ploy to make us think Rene is the murderer. There have been a couple scenes in which he’s “acted strangely.” Anyway, Liz is a bitch.)

Jessica goes to Pembroke Green, the family’s city residence, and makes Lady Pembroke talk to her by saying she knows about Annabelle. So Lady Pembroke starts talking and says she hated her husband for having an affair, but also for sending money and resources, including Nanny Millie, to his bastard child. Jessica starts to think the other son must be the murderer. Then Lady Pembroke says, “Lucas is an evil name,” citing that as proof that the boy is no good. Jessica jumps to her feet, shouting that Luke is the killer. I’m surprised she didn’t think, “Oh, she said Lucas, not Luke.” Anyway, she runs out of the house to a telephone box (why didn’t she use the Pembrokes’ phone?) and calls the dorm and the Journal. Liz isn’t in either place. She calls Tony Frank and finds out Liz took Luke with her to check out Annabelle’s old house. He tells Jessica the street name, and Jessica hails a taxi.

Annabelle’s house is in the ghetto, as evidenced by the homeless man outside. There’s no power, so Luke goes to the basement to try to find a fuse box. While he’s doing that, Liz goes upstairs. She finds a bedroom and seems surprised to find someone lives in it. There are newspaper clippings all over the walls, and Liz is kind of horrified to discover they all have something to do with the Pembroke family. Then she opens a diary and reads a passage about the writer waking up on his father’s estate with ripped clothes and blood all over him. Then Liz looks up to see the werewolf in the doorway. She gets scared, but then realizes the wolfman is wearing Luke’s clothes. Liz laughs and tells Luke to take off that horrible mask. He tells her it’s not a mask and Liz gets scared again because her boyfriend is clearly a psychopath.

Luke does an evil villain speech about how he and his mother were denied awesome Pembroke-ish things, and explains that when Annabelle died, Luke vowed to get back at everyone. When he’s done talking, he lunges for Liz, but just then the homeless guy from outside comes in and points a gun at Luke. Liz is relieved to see the homeless guy is really Robert in disguise. Robert says he has the silver bullet. Then Rene and Sergeant Bumpo come in. There’s a scuffle, and Luke gets shot. His mask slips off and he tells Liz they got the werewolf. Then he dies.

In conclusion:

• Luke was a psychotic wannabe werewolf who actually had no idea he was murdering people and framing his brother during his blackouts.
• Robert disguised himself as a homeless man so he could watch over Jessica.
• Rene has been following Liz around to keep an eye on her, which explains his strange behavior.
• Lord Pembroke recovers and turns ownership of the newspaper over to Robert.
• Lucy Friday and Tony Frank get married.

Quotes:

Jessica had a feeling this fight wasn’t going to blow over. It was the worst one ever.

Even worse than that time you got Liz drunk and she killed your boyfriend? Must be pretty bad.

The Cover: Stop wearing those stupid fucking trenchcoats!

And now, fair readers, I need a break. I think I’ll take next week off, at least some of it. I need to get my head on straight again after the ridiculousness of these last few books.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The moral of the story: Werewolves are serious business.

Synopsis:

Of course Jessica’s not dead. The dead blond woman lying facedown in Jessica’s bed is Joy Singleton, fiancé of Sheriff Andrew Thatcher. Joy and Andrew, like Luke and the twins, are spending the weekend at Pembroke Manor. After Liz’s screams, everyone gathers near the doorway to the bedroom. Jessica says Joy wanted to switch rooms with her because she couldn’t sleep with the full moon shining in her window. Robert Pembroke starts ordering his servants to call the constable and shit like that, and Liz can’t stand how bossy he’s being. Ugh, I hate when Liz decides she doesn’t like people. She’s so annoying about it.

For the rest of the morning, Liz follows everyone around being suspicious of them. She questions the servants, Maria and Alistair, and they say they saw someone leaving Jessica’s room around four in the morning but they won’t say who. Liz goes up to the bedroom to look for clues because you know she’s a better investigator than the actual police. She finds a tuft of animal hair and a scrap of fabric caught in the doorway. Luke and Liz, through the process of elimination, decide that one of the Pembrokes must be the werewolf.

Lord Pembroke, who owns the London Journal, has been suppressing stories about the murders, using exaggerated stories about the missing Princess Eliana as a cover. Liz is talking to Jessica and she expresses her dislike for Robert. Jessica gets mad and storms off. Eliana has overheard the argument and tells Liz that Robert, a distant cousin of hers, isn’t so bad. Liz explains what happened at Pembroke Manor and asks Eliana why Lord Pembroke would keep the murder out of the newspaper. Eliana says there was a scandal involving the Pembrokes fifteen or twenty years ago, and Lord Pembroke has been terrified of sullying the family name ever since. Liz vows to find out what that scandal was about.

The next day, Liz pretends to be Jessica and goes to talk to Lady Pembroke, ostensibly as a follow up about her mink coat that went missing last week. She asks if Lady P. has any enemies and says it could even be someone holding a grudge for, oh, say, twenty years. Lady P. gets super pissed, calls “Jessica” ill-bred and kicks her out. Robert calls Jessica later and asks her to dinner because he wants her to get along with his mother. Jessica realizes what Liz has done and wants to kill her. Of course, Jessica thinks Liz was out to sabotage her relationship with Robert.

Liz has lunch with Rene, who has finally come around and stopped being so mad at Liz for not being in love with him. She tells him that she and Luke believe the murderer might be a werewolf. Rene tells her that’s ridiculous, and suddenly Liz doesn’t believe in werewolves anymore. Then she and Luke go see The Howling and then Liz believes in werewolves again.

I hate this book.

Not satisfied that she’s completely ruined Jessica’s love life, Liz decides she’d better pull another twin switch and get back out to Pembroke Manor to talk to Robert’s father. We get a chapter inside Lord Pembroke Senior’s head and find out he, like Luke, is a werewolf scholar. The reason he’s been keeping news of these murders out of the paper is because he knows a werewolf is behind it and he wants to be the one to hunt it down and kill it. The only problem is that he’s worried the werewolf might be his son Robert. Liz-as-Jessica calls to ask if she can come talk to him about his wife’s mink. Pembroke thinks it’s really sweet that she wants to impress him by making the story seem more important than it is. He tells “Jessica” that he’s grateful for the changes she’s brought about in Robert and that Robert loves her very much.

When Liz arrives at Pembroke Manor later, the place is a madhouse. Maria the cook has been murdered in the same fashion as all the other murder victims, her throat torn out. Liz explores Robert’s room and finds a robe matching the scrap of fabric found at the scene of Joy’s murder. The robe has a tear in it. Liz goes to the library and starts to pull a book off the shelf. When she does, a secret door opens onto Lord Pembroke’s secret werewolf room. All the trophies on the wall are wolf heads and all the books are about werewolves. It’s weird. Liz opens one of the books and finds an inscription from someone named Annabelle. Liz decides Annabelle, whoever she is, has something to do with this whole thing. What? Liz snoops a little more, but is interrupted by voices from outside the library. She leaves the secret room and hides under the desk in the library. There, she overhears Sheriff Thatcher telling Pembroke to turn over his evidence and out the werewolf. Pembroke says he will, but he wants to talk to his suspect first. Thatcher gives him until ten o’clock that night. As soon as Pembroke goes away, Liz finds a phone and calls the Journal office to tell Luke what she just heard. Tony Frank tells her Luke isn’t there, and then mentions that Jessica took the day off to go to hang out with Robert. Liz freaks out about her sister spending the day alone with a werewolf.

Jessica and Robert have plans to go to Stonehenge, but they don’t actually make it out there. While Liz was calling Luke, Lord Pembroke was calling Robert to tell him to get out of town for a few days. When Robert picks up Jessica, he takes her to breakfast and tells her he has to disappear for a while. Jessica is depressed and decides to go to Harrod’s, figuring shopping will make her feel better. Meanwhile, Liz starts running all over London looking for Jessica. She goes to the newspaper office and tells Tony Frank everything and says they have to find Jessica. Then Jessica comes in all disheveled. Some hairy creature attacked her and now she’s convinced a werewolf is out to get her.

One of the other kids at the boardinghouse, David, discovers that Lina is really Princess Eliana. David is poor, and he and Eliana have been dating. After his discovery, Eliana says he should claim the million pound reward. Liz and Tony Frank arrange a press conference. After Eliana outs herself to the reporters, Sheriff Thatcher kind of takes over and says there’s a warrant out for the arrest of Sir Robert Pembroke, Junior. Jessica is distraught and decides it’s all Liz’s fault.

This book is horrible.

Quotes:

“Don’t make light of werewolves, Jessica,” Luke said in a quiet voice. “They’re very serious business.”

Best quote of the book.

“Lord Pembroke must be some kind of werewolf fanatic,” [Elizabeth] whispered, more because of the eeriness of the room than out of a fear of being discovered. “How creepy!”

Liz talks to herself a lot in this book. In this case, I can just imagine her considering speaking in a normal tone of voice and then deciding a whisper is more appropriate. I hate Liz.

The Cover: I guess that’s Lina and David being all shocked about the newspaper. I’m not sure, but I think that’s Jessica on the tube platform running away from the “hairy creature” that attacked her.

The Moral of the Story: All the cool stuff in London is within walking distance of wherever you happen to be.

The Big Deal: Summer vacation.

Synopsis:

It’s summer again, but this time, instead of interning at the Sweet Valley News, the twins are going all the way to London to be newspaper interns. Lila throws them a party the night before they leave, and shows the movie An American Werewolf in London. Now Liz is afraid of werewolves. When they arrive at the airport, they get a newspaper and find out Princess Eliana is missing. Everyone is talking about it. The twins take a cab to HIS, Housing for International Students, and Jessica screams at the cabbie that he’s driving on the wrong side of the road. *facepalm*

At HIS, the twins meet their roommates: Lina Smith, a poor but sweet girl who works at a soup kitchen, and Portia Albert, a Lila Fowler wannabe who fancies herself an actress. When Liz and Jessica go down to tea, they’re shocked to see Rene Glize from France. He’s working at the French embassy for the summer.

The twins go to the London Journal office the next morning to find that Henry Reeves, the editor, seems to have forgotten they were coming. A doctor named Cameron Neville has been murdered and Mr. Reeves doesn’t have time for the twins. He dumps them on Tony Frank, who writes the society page. Tony can see they’re not super excited to cover aristocratic tea parties and turns them over to Lucy Friday in Crime. The twins are all excited until Lucy assigns them to Sergeant Bumpo’s beat. Bumpo seems to be kind of a joke, and the first story the twins are assigned is Lady Wimpole’s missing Yorkshire terrier. They go to the Lady’s house and get the story, then over to Essex Street to the scene of the murder. They sneak past all the police officers and hide under a window outside. They look in and see the dead body. The reporters and officers are talking about the murder and they say the man’s throat has been ripped apart. There’s a very handsome man in the room who doesn’t seem to fit in and the twins wonder who he is.

The twins go back to the office, and Liz starts writing up the dog story while Jessica is sent back out on another of Bumpo’s cases. Liz gets asked out by a shy guy named Luke who writes poetry when he should be working on newspaper stories. Jessica gets asked out by Lord Robert Pembroke, the son of a woman who insists her mink coat was stolen. Robert happens to be the son of the very handsome man the twins saw at the murder scene. Lord Pembroke the Elder owns the Journal.

The twins’ dates go smashingly, and when Liz gets back to HIS, she finds a rose on her bed. It’s from Rene. He has also left her a note asking her to dinner the next night. Liz writes back to accept. She is still dating Todd, by the way. That night, all the kids at HIS decide to sneak out to some hip club called Mondo. It’s the happening place to be for all the young famous people. How this ragamuffin crew gets in I’ll never know. When Jessica points out Princess Eliana’s older sister, Lina goes pale and says she has to leave. Liz goes with her and they start walking home. Halfway there, they find a dead dog on the street with its throat ripped out. It’s Lady Wimpole’s Yorkie. Liz notices that the moon is almost full and gets totally freaked out.

When the twins get to the Journal office the next morning, they find Lucy Friday having an argument with Mr. Reeves because her story about the murdered doctor was butchered and moved to the back of the paper. She quits and storms out, so the twins are dumped back on Tony Frank and the society page. Tony has Liz write the update on Lady Wimpole’s dog, and then Luke asks her if she can take the afternoon off to hang out with him. Tony tells her to go, so Luke takes Liz to a wax museum, where she gets freaked out by a wax dummy of a werewolf. Luke gets a little creepy and starts going on about werewolves as if they’re real. Liz doesn’t mind at all and starts thinking she’s been terribly close-minded until this point to not believe in werewolves.

Liz and Luke go to dinner and she tells him all about the dog and the murdered doctor. Luke thinks it sounds like the work of a werewolf. Luke takes Liz home and kisses her goodnight, and then Liz goes inside to find Rene waiting for her. She apologizes for forgetting their date, but Rene is really upset and walks away. Liz is all indignant and acts like Rene is overreacting.

Liz and Jessica go through the newspaper archives and find a story from the previous month about a dead nurse. They think it reads like the snipped version of Lucy’s story about the doctor’s murder. Luke and the twins go to Tony Frank and tell him everything they know about Mr. Reeves suppressing the murder stories. They all go to Lucy’s house and talk to her. Lucy thinks Lord Pembroke Senior has something to do with it all. It just so happens that Lord Pembroke Junior has invited the twins to spend the weekend at Pembroke Manor. Liz invites Luke to come along. They agree it will be an excellent way to find out what the Pembrokes are up to.

In other news, Jessica and one of the other boarders at HIS find a really sparkly and expensive dress in Lina’s closet. Lina is supposed to be poor, so they worry she’s stolen the dress. Liz is fiddling with Lina’s glasses one day. She puts them on and realizes the lenses are just glass with no prescription. Then Liz is telling Jessica she thinks Robert Pembroke sounds like an arrogant jerk (I have no idea why she thinks this), and Lina says Robert’s not so bad. (“I mean, I’ve heard he’s not so bad.”) Meanwhile, all anyone can talk about is this missing princess thing. Hmm…

Portia the snobby roommate has given everyone at HIS tickets to see her play on opening night. Liz goes upstairs to get Lina, but Lina says she can’t be seen going to a fashionable West End theater on opening night of an important play. Liz is confused and Lina has to spell it out for her. Liz finally figures out Lina is really Princess Eliana. The princess wanted to get out and see her city and give something back to the world without the paparazzi watching her. Liz promises to keep her secret.

Everyone else goes to the play, and Portia performs beautifully. Her character is exactly like herself, and Liz realizes the snobby way Portia’s been acting has just been rehearsal for the play. Portia confirms this after the show and now everyone is friends with her.

Luke and the twins go off to Pembroke Manor. Liz takes an immediate dislike to Robert because she’s a judgmental bitch. When Luke introduces himself to Lord Pembroke Senior, the old man gets weird for a second and looks like he recognizes Luke. Later, Luke and Liz go exploring the grounds together and come across some wolfsbane growing near a stream. Liz gets scared and Luke gives her a pendant, saying it will protect her from werewolves. Then they make out. Later, the constable comes to the manor to tell Lord Pembroke that four of his sheep were found with their throats ripped out. Liz and Luke are more convinced than ever that they’re looking at the work of a werewolf. Liz has a nightmare that night about being chased by a werewolf. When she wakes up around dawn, she runs to Jessica’s room and finds her facedown on the bed, dead. Yeah, right.

Quotes:

“I almost forgot about Rene,” [Elizabeth] mused out loud. “We never really got to explore our feelings for each other in France.”

Liz, you have a boyfriend. You always have a boyfriend. If you want to explore your feelings for other guys, you need to stop having a boyfriend all the time.

Either way, [Rene] overreacted. It was a simple mistake, and it’s not like he’s my boyfriend. He doesn’t have any claim on me.

Oh, shut up, Liz.

The Cover: That must be Liz in the blue coat, since she’s the one who spends the whole book being afraid of everything. I guess they’re wearing trenchcoats because that’s what you wear when you’re solving mysteries in London. That wolfman is so unscary. Liz is a wuss.

Synopsis:

It’s Christmastime again. The last day of school before the break, the twins each get Secret Santa candy canes. Jessica’s says, “Happy horrordays, Jessica.” Liz’s says, “I’m dreaming of a red Christmas. Wreck the halls with bloody bodies.” Gross. Liz shows hers to Todd, but Jessica keeps hers to herself. This is Margo’s work, of course. She’s hanging around school, spying on Liz, preparing to take over her life. Liz is supposed to meet Enid in the library at four o’clock, but Margo gets there early with plans to go out with Enid in Liz’s place. Enid, however, recognizes that Margo is not Liz, which is cool, but she thinks she’s Jessica instead, which is not very helpful. It does go to show that Alice is a terrible mother because she totally thinks Margo is Liz when Margo walks into the Wakefield house later and hugs her. Margo then goes upstairs to snoop around in Liz’s room. She finds Liz’s diary and spends the next hour reading. Then Liz comes home and Margo hides in the closet. Liz is pissed that her room has been disarranged. She thinks Jessica did it. She goes into the bathroom and Margo makes her escape. Later that night, Jessica goes to Liz to try to make up again, but Liz just yells at her for snooping through her things and tells her to get out.

Jessica’s boyfriend, James, is tired of spying for Margo. He tells Margo he doesn’t want to do it anymore. She says that’s fine, but that she’ll kill James if he ever speaks to Jessica again. This sucks, because James has fallen in love with Jessica. He hates to do it, but he calls Jessica and breaks up with her. Jessica’s having a rotten week.

The day before Christmas Eve, Margo-as-Liz makes a date with Todd, and then Margo-as-Jessica goes shopping with Lila to get something to wear on her date. Lila thinks Jessica is nicer than usual, and Todd thinks Liz is acting strange. At Miller’s Point, he becomes convinced that it’s really Jessica he’s with, so he ends the date early and takes her home. By the time he gets to the Wakefields’ house, he’s changed his mind and thinks he’s with Liz. He goes home all confused.

Christmas Eve dinner the next night is depressing and confusing for Todd when Liz says she was caroling with Enid the night before, and Jessica morosely says she stayed home all night. Christmas morning at the Wakefields’ is equally depressing, I guess just because the twins aren’t getting along. I can’t really figure out what everyone else’s problem is. A few days later, Ned and Alice leave for San Francisco for the fake meeting Margo set up to get them out of the house.

Margo has been breaking into James’ house and leaving him death threats. He’s worried enough to call Jessica to warn her about Margo and then get the hell out of Sweet Valley, but not worried enough to go to the police or anything. He asks Jessica to meet him at the marina and then he packs a bag. Jessica hangs up the phone, and then the storm raging outside makes the lights go out. She stumbles out into the hall and runs into Margo, who’s hanging around being creepy and listening in on phone calls. She’s super pissed that James betrayed her. She goes back to the boardinghouse to change before she heads to the marina to kill James. When she gets to her room, though, she can tell her lock has been picked. She looks through the keyhole and sees Josh, the brother of the kid she killed in Ohio. He’s found her and has not gone to the police. These fucking kids. Instead of going in her room, Margo pretends to loudly tell someone she’s going to the marina. She runs outside, hides and watches Josh get in his car and head in the direction of the marina.

Liz and Todd are out, but Liz wants to stop at home for a sweater. She walks in and finds Jessica in a tizzy because she can’t find her keys and she’s already late to meet James. She begs Liz and Todd to give her a ride. Liz relents in a bitchy way, and the three of them go to the marina.

James is hanging out on the old pier at the marina when Jessica runs up and hugs him. He tells her everything, and then realizes he’s talking to Margo. She pushes him off the pier just as Todd and the twins come running up, and then I guess she disappears and Josh shows up and it looks for all the world like Josh killed James. I don’t really get the logistics of that, but Todd tackles Josh, who suddenly starts spouting off craziness about a murderer who looks just like the twins.

That night, Jessica has the same dream Liz has been having about a twin with black hair trying to kill her. She wakes up screaming and goes to Liz’s room. Liz is dreaming about the Jungle Prom. She’s been having this dream every night, and she’s getting closer and closer to figuring out what happened. Jessica wakes her up, Liz screams, Steven comes in and Margo spies from the hallway as the three siblings calm each other down. Jessica tells Liz her dream, and Liz says she’s been having the same one.

The next morning, Margo pretends to be Jessica and hangs out with Lila for a while. Lila is having a New Year’s Eve ball and that’s when Margo will kill Liz. While Lila is in the shower, Margo walks around the house. She decides the pool house will be the best place to do it. Later, she hangs around outside the Wakefield house until Steve and Liz leave. She figures Jessica is still asleep, so she goes inside, planning to read Liz’s latest diary entry and then leave. Jessica is awake and Margo is thrown off guard, so she’s kind of rude. Jessica is hurt and goes off to the living room. A few minutes later, Todd shows up and leaves with “Liz.”

Poor Josh has been in jail for a few days and he decides he needs to get out there and take care of Margo, law be damned. He pulls the sick prisoner gag and punches out the guard who comes to take a look at him, and then he escapes.

On New Year’s Eve, Liz is taking a nap before getting ready for Lila’s party. She has a dream about the Jungle Prom and wakes up knowing that Jessica spiked her punch that night. She does not question the fact that this knowledge came to her in a dream, she just goes ahead and decides she hates Jessica. Meanwhile, Jessica suddenly can’t live with the guilt of having spiked Liz’s drink and she wants to confess.

At Lila’s, Liz is talking to Enid when she sees Jessica heading in her direction. Liz makes an excuse and runs off, losing Jessica in the crowd. Enid tells Todd Liz went upstairs to the bathroom, but Todd finds both bathrooms empty. He finally finds Liz in one of the guest bedrooms. He wants to go back down to the party, but when Liz says, “We can have our own party right here,” Todd knows something is wrong. It’s clearly not Liz, but “even Jessica wouldn’t go this far.” He demands to know who he’s talking to. Margo hits him with some statue or something and knocks him out. Then she knocks on the door of Lila’s bathroom, where she somehow knows Liz is hiding out, and pretends to be Jessica. Through the door, she says that she wants to talk and will meet Liz at the pool house.

After finding out their whole trip was a hoax, Ned and Alice decided to go home early, but have been having one hell of a time getting back to Sweet Valley due to canceled plane rides, delayed train rides and a crappy rental car. When they finally get into town, Alice’s mother’s intuition tells her they need to go to Fowler Crest. At about the same time, Steve and Billie are watching the news at the Wakefield house and find out Josh escaped from jail. They think they need to go to Fowler Crest. Josh himself is already there, spying.

Liz goes to the pool house and Margo comes out of the shadows. Liz knows it’s not Jessica because Margo is 1.) wearing the same dress Liz is and 2.) holding a very large butcher knife. She does an Evil Villain speech and tells Liz all about her plan. Just as she’s about to bring the knife down, Jessica runs in and puts herself in front of the blade. All three girls wrestle for the knife. Jessica gets it and gets ready to strike, but suddenly can’t tell which one is her real twin. Then Margo leaps forward and gets the knife again. Jessica once more throws herself on top of Liz to protect her.

Outside, Steven tackles Josh and tells Billie to call the police. Then Todd comes outside and says Josh isn’t the killer, it’s a girl who looks like the twins. Everyone goes into the pool house and Josh slams into Margo and knocks her into the window. Margo goes through the window, taking a shard of glass to the jugular while she’s at it. A few hours later, Margo’s body is gone, the cops are listening to Josh’s story and believing it, the twins are friends again and Alice is happy to be with her girls and probably feeling a little smug that her mother’s intuition was correct.

Quotes:

“Now, I’ve told the Beckwiths and the Egberts that we’re going out of town, and if you need anything, you can call them.”

I thought the Beckwiths moved away. It was, like, last week. Annie and Cheryl moved into their old house.

[James] had no hard evidence that she’d committed any crimes or that she intended to commit any…

You mean aside from the note she left (the one where she threatens to kill you) when she broke into your house?

The Cover: This image comes from The Closet*.

Okay, up there is a sad Christmas morning with depressed twins, and Margo looking in the window like mother-in-law deer. Down there, mostly covered up by the bar code, must be Todd getting knocked the fuck out. And then there’s Liz and Margo. Margo’s all, “I have to spit,” and Liz is all, “Hey, don’t I know you?” The expression on Liz’s face and her body language really take away from the vibe I imagine I’m supposed to be getting from the creepy lightning in the background.

*The Closet is apparently no longer active.

The moral of the story: I’m not sure the new miniseries format lends itself well to morals.

The Big Deal: Yeah, nobody’s really interested in parties right now.

Synopsis:

Liz totally isn’t dead, you guys. But she did kill Sam in that car accident and now she’s having nightmares about someone who looks like Jessica trying to kill her, but the girl has black hair instead of blond.

Bruce can’t stop thinking about the girl who tried to help him on Saturday night. He eventually finds out her name is Pamela Robertson and she’s on the Big Mesa tennis team, so he finds her after practice one day and asks her out.

Lila doesn’t go back to school until the Wednesday after the prom. She knows people are talking about her and the accusation she made against Nathan Pritchard. When she gets to school, Mr. Cooper tells her there will have to be a meeting with Lila, her father, Mr. Cooper and Nathan. At the meeting, after Nathan gives his side of the story, Lila realizes he wasn’t trying to attack her after all. She apologizes for making a mistake, and her father drives her home.

A week after the prom, the twins still aren’t speaking to each other. When they go back to school, Enid is the only person who will talk to Liz. Not even Todd has spoken to her. Poor Amy keeps trying to cheer up both Lila and Jessica, but doesn’t really know how to talk to either of them.

Olivia notices a sandy-haired guy watching her during a painting class. A few days later, she finds out a collector has bought one of her paintings. The only condition is that she give a talk about her art at a fundraiser in Bridgewater. She runs into Nicholas Morrow as she’s walking home and tells him her news, and he takes her out to celebrate. They talk about their love lives, and each asks the other how it’s possible they don’t have a steady stream of dates. They both say they’ll help the other find someone. They’re idiots and don’t seem to realize they’re actually on a date right now.

When Olivia goes to the address in Bridgewater, she’s surprised to find it’s a residence and there are no other cars in the driveway. When she goes inside, the sandy-haired guy from her art class comes down the stairs. He says he made the whole thing up about the fundraiser to get Olivia to his house. He’s totally creepy, but really cute, so Olivia says she’ll go out with him the next night. She later tells Nicholas she’s in love.

Lila has been in her bedroom since the meeting at school. Her father tries to talk to her, but she just can’t tell him what happened with John. George doesn’t know what to do, so he calls Lila’s mother in Paris. When he tells Lila her mother is coming to town, she starts crying and thanking him.

By the end of Bruce’s first date with Pamela, he’s in love. Cousin Roger tries to tell him that looks can be deceiving, but Bruce thinks Roger has a lot to learn about women. At lunch, Bruce tells everyone about his new woman, and when he says her name, everyone kind of laughs and says Pamela is known as a slut. The next time they go out, Bruce can’t stop thinking about what everyone’s been saying, so he’s kind of jerky to her. He feels bad, so the next morning, he goes to her house to bring her some flowers. He’s standing at her front door when a car pulls up in the driveway and Pamela gets out. After she kisses the guy driving the car, she sees Bruce. She tells him she was just breaking up with that guy because she’s in love with Bruce. Bruce goes home in a huff.

Jessica leaves to go to a special memorial for Sam at the bike track, but she decides she can’t handle it. She drives aimlessly and ends up at the cemetery, where she sits at Sam’s grave and cries over his death and her own part in it. Things at the Wakefield house are pretty horrible. Steve comes home every weekend and tries to cheer everyone up, but everyone is depressed. Then, three weeks after the prom, two police officers show up at the Wakefields’ house and arrest Elizabeth. Jessica considers telling the police that she spiked Liz’s drink, but can’t bring herself to do it.

While all this is going on, a sixteen-year-old girl named Margo is plotting her escape from her tenth foster home in New York. She thinks it’s too bad she’ll have to kill her five-year-old foster sister, Nina, but Nina walked in on Margo counting her stolen money and saw the bus schedule with Cleveland circled. Margo can’t risk anyone finding out where she’s going. She sets the house on fire and takes off. In Cleveland, Margo types up some fake reference letters and gets herself a job babysitting for a wealthy family. When she’s stolen enough jewelry and made enough money, she’ll move on toward her final destination, California.

Quotes:

“You’ll love the plans for the new wing of the city building,” Alice Wakefield was saying as she drove toward the high school. “We’re going with a Spanish-style look, with lots of sunlight.”

I think this is how she describes every project she ever works on. Jesus, Alice, not everything has to be Spanish-style.

Elizabeth left the dance with Sam, Jessica remembered. How could her sister have done that to her?

Because you got her drunk, stupid.

The Cover: Here it is, the first of the new crappy covers. I miss the old ones. The twins hovering over everything like god up there is weird. And for such a busy looking cover, there’s really not a lot going on. We’ve got Bruce looking all scandalized that his girl is kissing another dude, and then I guess that’s Lila running away from Nathan or something.

This is where the whole thing goes sideways, folks. Get ready.

The moral of the story: Prom is just not worth it.

The Big Deal: Party at the beach, horrible Jungle Prom

Synopsis:

At a totally awesome beach party, Bruce dares Jessica to swim out to the buoy. Liz begs Jessica not to do it, but Jessica laughs and jumps in the water (after stripping down to her bikini “striptease-style”). Liz runs around freaking out, telling Todd, Sam and Enid that Jessica’s in the water. Everyone tells Liz to chill, but she can’t. Jessica comes back to shore and Liz is all, “Jessica! You’re all right!” Jessica laughs and says of course she’s all right. Liz gets upset and decides she’s not going to worry about Jessica anymore; Liz is only going to worry about herself from now on.

Lila is having a terrible time with her date, Tony Alimenti. He’s a nice guy, but Lila isn’t ready for dating yet and only agreed to come to the party because Jessica and Amy wouldn’t leave her alone. Lila watches her friends dancing and wonders if they’re ever scared that their boyfriends will overpower them. Then Tony tries to put his arm around her and she jumps.

Meanwhile, Bruce is making out with Andrea Slade. He knows Andrea likes him a lot, but he’s just not interested because she doesn’t present a challenge. She tries to get him to commit to a picnic next weekend, but Bruce is an ass and tells her he doesn’t do commitment and if she doesn’t like it she can take a hike.

A ton of kids run onto the beach wearing Big Mesa’s school colors. They knock over the food table, spray shaving cream on everything and pick up the girls and carry them for a few feet and then drop them in the sand (Lila screams at the top of her lungs). The whole thing only lasts five minutes, but the mess is horrible. Sweet Valley wants revenge.

At the Dairi Burger afterward, the twins argue over whether or not Sweet Valley should retaliate while Bruce and some other former Club X members are in the parking lot discussing how they can get revenge on Big Mesa. Tony takes Lila home and she freaks out when he tries to kiss her goodnight. Liz and Todd go to Miller’s Point and talk. They decide everyone will calm down and nothing else will come of the raid on the beach.

While getting ready for the beach party, the twins came up with an awesome idea for a jungle themed school dance. At school on Tuesday, Liz tells her friends she’s gotten the go ahead from Principal Cooper on the Jungle Prom. They talk about whether or not there should be a king and queen, and Liz wonders if she should go for it. Later, Todd convinces her she would be a great queen. After school, Jessica goes out with her friends and declares that she intends to be prom queen.

Jungle Queen

Lila has a session that afternoon with Nathan Pritchard, her counselor. She’s really upset about Saturday night and tells Nathan what happened with Tony. Nathan does his best to convince her that maybe Tony wasn’t trying to hurt her and that Lila’s just oversensitive right now. Lila concedes that he’s probably right and says she doesn’t want to be scared of every boy in the world.

Environmental Alert, the organization Liz found to fund the prom, calls Liz and says they’ve put together a prize package for whoever is elected prom queen. The queen will win a trip to Brazil and the opportunity to be an honorary spokesperson for Environmental Alert. Liz runs out to the pool to tell Jessica and Lila the news. When she goes back inside, Jessica starts gushing to Lila about how awesome it will be when she’s prom queen. Lila pretends to fall asleep so Jessica will shut up. A few minutes later, Alice comes home. Lila watches Alice and Jessica talk to each other. She wishes she had a mother to talk to. Damn, Lila makes me so sad in this book.

Jessica misses a meeting of the prom committee, so Liz goes ahead without her. The committee decides on formal dress for the prom, which Liz knows is going to upset Jessica, who wanted everyone to dress all Tarzan and Jane. When Liz tells everyone about the prize package for the queen, everyone on the committee tells her she’s the logical choice. Jessica is pissed that Liz let the committee vote on the dress code issue without her, but doesn’t mind when she realizes that if it weren’t for Liz, Jessica wouldn’t be going to Brazil. She’s sure she doesn’t have any competition for the title of queen.

Andrea finds Bruce after school on Friday and asks him what he’s doing the next day. Bruce says something rude and is sure she’ll tell him off, but she just looks sad and tells him to call her sometime. Bruce thinks it’s kind of fun to string her along and see how much abuse she’ll take. He goes outside to the parking lot to find that his car, along with everyone else’s, is a mess. The damned Big Mesa jerks have come back with their shaving cream and they’ve drawn bulls (their mascot) all over everyone’s cars. The same afternoon, Liz gets a copy of Big Mesa’s newspaper in her Oracle inbox. There’s an article about how crappy Sweet Valley’s basketball team is.

A few days later, Liz is looking over The Oracle before it goes to the printer and notices the story she asked Caroline to write is a little weird. She wanted an article promoting the prom and asked Caroline to leave names out of it, including Liz’s. Caroline has written a piece of crap that makes it sound like the whole prom was Jessica’s idea. Liz is pissed, but decides to get over it. That night, Jessica says something about “when I go to Brazil,” and Liz gets angry again. She asks Jessica if it ever occurred to her that Liz might like to go to Brazil. Jessica says no, being prom queen isn’t really Liz’s thing. Liz gets all weird and asks how Jessica knows what her kind of thing is, as if Jessica hasn’t been living with her for sixteen years. They have a big argument. Afterward, Jessica goes to Sam’s to study and tells him how strange Liz has been acting. Sam makes her forget about it and they talk about maybe spending the night together after the prom.

There’s a big pep rally for all the sporting events that are coming up. Jessica outshines the rest of the cheerleaders and then makes a big speech about the prom. Liz knows it’s all part of her campaign to be voted queen.

Jessica and Lila are shopping at Lisette’s a few days later and talking about Liz. Lila tells Jessica to stop being so cocky about being voted queen because a lot of people think Liz is going to win. Jessica is all “Yeah, whatever.” She finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Just then, Liz and Enid come in. Liz finds a dress she likes and goes to try it on. Jessica and Liz come out of their fitting rooms at the same time wearing the same dress. Lila thinks it’s pretty funny.

Bruce goes to the marina to take his father’s boat out. He runs into Nicholas Morrow, who mentions Regina. Bruce doesn’t know how Nicholas can talk about her without getting upset. Bruce goes home that night, takes a picture of Regina out of his nightstand drawer and cries.

On Friday, Liz gets another delivery from Big Mesa. It’s another article from the Bull’s Eye, and this one is full of accusations that Sweet Valley cheated to win the track meet the day before. Todd convinces Liz not to retaliate and they go to lunch. In the cafeteria, Jessica is handing out buttons that say “Save the Rainforest—Come to the Jungle Prom,” and telling people she used her own money to have them made. Liz is outraged at Jessica’s campaigning. Liz, you’re allowed to campaign, too, if you want. Todd tries to tell her to calm down, and she gets even more angry.

On Monday morning, Lila is getting ready for school and wondering if she should go to the prom. She starts thinking about Nathan realizes he’s really cute, and Lila is grateful to him for helping her so much in counseling. She decides she’ll go to the prom even though she doesn’t have a date. Nathan will be chaperoning and she can just hang out with him. Lila goes into her counseling session that afternoon a new woman. She flirts with Nathan a little and tells him she’s back to her old self.

Jessica drags Amy, Robin and Lila to a prom committee meeting and pisses Liz off by acting like she wants to be involved. Before the meeting is over, she brings up the real reason she came to the meeting: she doesn’t think any Big Mesa kids should be allowed to come to the prom. The committee is split, so Liz arranges for the whole school to vote. She’s happy when the school votes against Jessica’s idea.

Later, Penny tells the twins that she was contacted by Sweet Sixteen magazine. They heard about the prom and want to do an interview with whoever came up with the idea. I’m so sure. Liz and Jessica are scheduled for an interview and photo shoot the next day. Jessica doesn’t show up and the Sweet Sixteen people are tired of waiting. Against her better judgment, Liz agrees to do the interview alone. When Jessica shows up forty-five minutes late and finds out they left without her, she’s convinced Liz set it all up somehow.

On Wednesday, Liz writes an editorial for The Oracle. It’s an attack on Big Mesa. Liz gets mad when Todd tells her she’s being mean. Friday night is the big basketball game against Big Mesa, and Liz says some mean things to Enid about Hugh not having the guts to show up and support his school. Damn, she’s crabby. Sweet Valley wins the game, and the Big Mesa kids hightail it out of there.

Finally, it’s prom night. Everyone lavishes Liz with praise and Jessica is mad that they’re all acting like Liz did all the work. When Sam points out that Liz actually did do all the work, Jessica stomps off and tells him to ask someone else to dance. He asks Liz. Todd is elected prom king, and in one hour, the queen will be announced. Jessica knows she needs to do something fast if she’s going to take Liz out of the running, which she’s even more determined to do when she sees Liz and Sam dancing together. A Big Mesa guy starts flirting with Jessica and she notices he’s drunk. She flirts back to get some of his alcohol and then pours a ton of it into Liz’s punch cup.

Drunk and happy, Liz tells Sam she doesn’t care about being queen. She yells to Andrea and Patty that she’s withdrawing her name so Jessica can win. Jessica does win, but as soon as the crown is on her head, she feels guilty.

Suddenly, twenty or thirty Big Mesa kids come in and start running through the gym, punching people on their way through to the football field. Bruce rounds up a bunch of guys to follow them. Jessica, suddenly worried about Liz, jumps off the stage to try to find her. She sees Liz and Sam wobbling out the door, but by the time she makes her way through the crowd and into the parking lot, Liz is in the driver’s seat of the Jeep. Before Jessica can get to them, Liz drives off. Jessica finds Todd and tells him they need to go after them.

Lila is stuck in the gym. No matter what exit she tries to use, there are people blocking her way. Finally, Nathan takes her arm and leads her out of the gymnasium. The hallway isn’t much better, so Nathan pulls her into an empty classroom. Once they’re alone, Lila has a flashback to John’s attack on her and she’s suddenly sure that Nathan was only pretending to be nice so he could get her alone and take advantage of her. She screams. The cops have made it to the school, and at the sound of Lila’s scream, they burst into the classroom. Lila says Nathan attacked her, and the cops haul him off.

There’s a massive brawl out on the football field and Bruce is right in the middle of it. A Big Mesa kid hits him with a bat and knocks him down. Just as the other guy is going to hit him again, a beautiful girl tells the guy to stop. She reaches out to help Bruce up, but he gets kicked in the head and blacks out.

Todd and Jessica hop in Todd’s car and go off in the direction Liz and Sam went. Jessica tells Todd that Liz and Sam are drunk, but says she doesn’t know where they got the alcohol. They see a crashed Jeep on the side of the road and pull over. There are cops on the scene already, and they say both the driver and passenger are dead.

To be continued…

Quotes:

In [Bruce’s] opinion, the only fun in dating was the sport of it. The more it was like a tennis match, where he had to wear down his opponent through expertise and sheer force of will, the better he liked it.

Jeez. What a freak.

The Cover: God, the twins are so ugly! Is it really possible that neither one of them did anything special with her hair for the biggest social event of the year?