Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

This is it, folks. The day we’ve all been waiting for. The day we find out exactly why Elizabeth Wakefield left Sweet Valley and why she cries when she orgasms. There are obviously spoilers here, so don’t read any further if you don’t want to know the whole story.

Y’all ready for this?

Here we go!

Elizabeth Wakefield has left Sweet Valley and is now living in New York City, working for a crappy online magazine that nobody’s ever heard of. When our story opens, Liz and her boss, David Stephenson, are returning to Liz’s apartment after grabbing a post-workday dinner. Liz thinks David is handsome enough, but she doesn’t really want to sleep with him because he made her leave the tip at the restaurant. Get over yourself, Liz, it wasn’t even a date. The phone is ringing when they come in, but Liz lets the machine pick it up. It’s Jessica, begging Liz to talk to her.

Liz ignores Jessica and gives David a glass of wine. He asks whose voice that was on the answering machine and marvels at how much it sounded like Liz. Liz considers sleeping with him to get him to stop asking questions, but in the end the tip thing just bothers her too much and she tells him she’s tired and kicks him out. Once he’s gone, she curls up on her couch and feels sorry for herself.

FLASHBACK! We’re suddenly treated to a present-tense-first-person account of the day Todd Wilkins asked Jessica out back in high school. It’s kind of weird.

PRESENT DAY Back in Sweet Valley, Jessica is whining to Todd about Liz not answering any of her calls, texts, emails or Facebook friend requests. There’s kind of a lot of nonsense, but I gather that Liz and Todd were engaged at some point and Jessica slept with Todd. Then there’s another weird first-person-present-tense passage. It’s the exact same scene from before, this time from Jessica’s point of view. Anyway, Todd and Jessica are now living together and are going to be married in four weeks. Todd writes a successful sports column and the two of them spend most of their time trying to avoid the judgmental stares of their friends.

Todd and Jessica go to a party at Lila’s house, and we learn the latest about all our old faves:

• Lila and Ken Matthews are in the middle of getting a divorce, but Ken is apparently still at the house most of the time. Ken is a successful NFL star. Lila doesn’t work, of course.
• Caroline Pearce is a successful real estate broker and a cancer survivor. She’s still a big gossipmonger.
• Jeffrey French is a successful dentist and is married to someone whose name Jessica can’t remember.
• Enid Rollins and A. J. Morgan are having an affair or something and it’s bad for their image, but I don’t know why.
• Robin Wilson is a successful caterer and restaurant critic, but somehow manages to keep herself slim.

You’ll notice that with the exception of A. J. and Enid, everyone’s life has the word successful in it. Sweet Valley is magic.

Everyone seems surprised to see Toddica, but Caroline is the only one who actually dares to ask about Elizabeth. Instead of answering, Jessica tells Caroline what a nosy bitch she is. Then she turns on Lila and hollers at her for inviting her to a party Caroline was going to attend, accusing her of wanting her there only for the drama.

All of Jessica’s chapters are like so infused with instances of like and so and they so make me want to like stab my eyes out.

Meanwhile, Liz goes to some crappy theater to interview William Connolly, a playwright who is currently auditioning actors for his debut play. He acts like a jackass and hardly even looks at Liz, but when he finally does, Liz freaks out a little because he looks exactly like Todd. Sigh. Of course he does. His resemblance to Todd throws Liz down memory lane and she thinks about a time in college when she was sick and made Jessica go to a party with Todd. As far as she knows, it’s the only time they spent any time alone. I guess that whole thing after the prom doesn’t count. And, of course, Liz doesn’t know about the other stuff.

Coincidentally, Todd and Jessica are also thinking of that party in college and…

FLASHBACK – COLLEGE, SENIOR YEAR Jessica doesn’t really want to go to the party, but Todd is the guest of honor and Liz really wants him to go. Neither Todd nor Jessica has any fun at first, but people keep assuming Jessica is Liz so she and Todd pretend to be a couple and have a good time tricking people. When they get in the car to leave, they apparently forget they were just pretending and they start making out like crazy. They eventually end up at the apartment Todd and Winston share. Winston isn’t home, so Todd goes ahead and has sex with his girlfriend’s twin sister. God, what a fucked up piece of fuck this guy is. Jessica’s wrong too, of course, but if I’ve accomplished nothing else with this blog, I know I’ve at least established that Jessica is insane.

For the next month, Todd and Jessica meet every day at a diner nobody they know ever goes to. They don’t have sex again, but it’s still an affair. The guilt finally gets to be too much for Jessica and she breaks it off.

PRESENT DAY Elizabeth runs into Will Connolly at the bar across the street from the theater. They both get a little tipsy and end up talking. Will isn’t really the jerkface he’s made himself out to be, and Liz thinks it’s okay to like him because his eyes are blue and not brown like Todd’s. They introduce themselves to the gorgeous Irish bartender (Liz mentions that her cheating twin would go crazy for him) and then Will invites Liz back to his apartment. They make out for a minute.

Liz’s mother calls that night and tells Liz she’d like her to come home for her grandmother’s eightieth birthday party. (She would also like Liz to come to Jessica’s wedding because she’s a fucking idiot.) Liz tells her there’s no way in hell she’s going to sit through a dinner with Todd and Jessica. Then she gets to thinking that it would really show those bastards if she came home with a new man. She calls Will and asks him if he wants to go. He says he can’t get away, but jokingly suggests Liz take Liam the bartender and try to make Jessica fall in love with him. Liz doesn’t take it as a joke.

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Jessica has married some guy named Regan and they’ve been traveling the world. It’s been about six months since the wedding, and that means it’s about time for Jessica to move on. Not one to waste time, she decides she has to leave Regan immediately. She’s in France, but she calls Liz, who tells her to just come home and stay with her. Todd isn’t super happy about this, but he agrees to be civil.

In this flashback, we learn that brother Steven married Cara Walker, but he apparently has frequent affairs and at this moment might be involved with Lila. What a tool. We also learn that nobody likes Winston anymore because he “changed radically” after making a bunch of money.

PRESENT DAY Liz goes to the bar and insinuates herself into Liam’s life. They hit it off after Liz finds out Liam’s parents live in L.A. and he owes them a visit soon. After about five minutes of friendship, Liam agrees to schedule his visit so it coincides with Liz’s grandmother’s party and he can be her date.

Jessica goes out for a friendly drink with one of her coworkers and wonders if she should hook up with this guy instead of Todd and then she could have Elizabeth back in her life. But alas, her love for Todd is too strong to be denied. Then she thinks about when she came back from France and lived with Todd and Liz for a while.

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Todd is working from home and the house is beginning to seem very small. Jessica and Todd try to avoid each other, but he gets on her nerves one day and she goes to the beach. That’s where she sees her brother in a loving embrace with…Aaron Dallas. Yep, Aaron is gay now and so is Steven. Steve asks Jessica not to tell anyone, but she thinks she’ll be doing him a favor if she tells Cara. Oh, Jessica. This is why you’re the bad twin. Well, this and the whole stealing-your-sister’s-fiancé thing.

PRESENT DAY Liz has lunch with Will and tells him she’ll be taking Liam with her to Sweet Valley. Will was only joking when he suggested getting Liam to seduce Jessica and he does not approve. Liz, who has been telling herself that she’s only bringing Liam home so she’ll have some company, gets defensive and actually says, “fuck you,” and storms out of the pub. Nice. She talks to Bruce Patman on the phone (they’re best friends now) and tells him she’ll be bringing a friend home for her grandmother’s party. Bruce gets a little weird. Liz is irritated and Bruce hangs up on her. Then we get to spend some time in Bruce’s head. And wouldn’t you know it? He’s in love with Liz!

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Bruce and Liz became friends a few years ago when Bruce’s parents were in a car accident. Liz came to the hospital every day for moral support. (Both Patman parents wound up dying.) Bruce has always known about Todd and Jessica’s affair in college (he saw them together at the diner), but he didn’t want to tell Liz because it would hurt her. But now that Jessica is staying with Todd and Liz, and Liz wants to set a wedding date, Bruce thinks it might be time to clue her in. He takes Liz out for pizza (I believe the pizza place used to be the Dairi Burger, but now it’s called Napkin) and tries to get up the courage to break her heart, but just then Ken Matthews comes running in to tell them that Winston is dead.

What the frak?

Meanwhile, Steven goes to Liz’s house to yell at Jessica for outing him to Cara. He calls her a selfish bitch and then leaves. Jessica starts crying and Todd hugs her to comfort her, and OF COURSE they start kissing. That’s when Liz comes home, crying about Winston. Todd and Jessica manage to cover up pretty well and Liz doesn’t notice anything is amiss, but Bruce is giving them the hairy eyeball.

PRESENT DAY Liz flies into LAX, where she’ll meet Liam. She’s going to change at the airport and drive directly to the club for the party. On the flight, she remembers – FLASHBACK! Winston’s funeral. Winston got super drunk and fell off his balcony. People are sad, but Winston had turned into such a total misogynistic jackass that most people are mourning the kid he used to be. Jessica starts looking at Liz intensely and yapping about forgiveness and junk. Liz thinks it’s weird, but figures it’s just funeral stuff.

PRESENT DAY Jessica is getting ready for “Grandmommy’s” party (ugh, grandmommy?) and thinks about the day Liz found out about her and Todd.

FLASHBACK Which is totally lame. Jessica’s husband shows up, I guess to talk to her, but she’s afraid of him so she asks Todd to be in the room. Regan walks in and immediately accuses Jessica of sleeping with Todd. I don’t know why. Words are exchanged and the boys start scufflin’. Liz comes home and breaks up their fight. Regan yells at her and says there’s something going on behind her back, and then he leaves. Liz asks Toddica what Regan was talking about and Jessica says he’s just crazy jealous, which seems reasonable. But Liz has one of those moments where she suddenly realizes how blind she’s been. She calls them cheating liars and storms out.

And that’s it, that’s how she found out. Maybe I’m sick in the head, but I was really kind of hoping she’d find them in bed together or something. Something more exciting than a “sudden realization”.

PRESENT DAY Dinner at the country club seems like it might be okay at first. The twins manage to ignore each other for the most part, but Liz is a little irritated that Liam seems completely smitten with Jessica. She was supposed to fall for him, not the other way around. He hangs on her all night, which pisses Todd off. Liz can’t help but smirk when Toddica start arguing, and the smirk gets Jessica going. Pretty soon, Liz is yelling at Todd, Steven is yelling at Jessica, Bruce and Aaron are telling people to shut up, and Alice is trying to keep everyone from killing each other. She yells at Ned to “bring out the fucking cake.” Grandmommy Robertson is the only one not yelling. When Liz leaves to go back to New York, Todd and Jessica aren’t speaking to each other, and Liz is pissed at Liam for flirting with Jessica so much.

Liz still has to interview Will for her job, and she can tell he wants to apologize for accusing her of being crazy for revenge. She doesn’t want him to do that because then she’ll have to say he was right. So she does the interview and then goes back to his place and has sex with him. I’m not sure why she feels like she always has to have sex with a guy to make him shut up.

She gets home from Will’s to find Jessica asleep outside her apartment door. Jessica says she’s left Todd and wants Liz’s forgiveness. It only takes about thirty seconds of Jessica crying for Liz to forgive her. And just like that, they’re talking everything through. Liz, who only needed to find a new man to realize she really doesn’t love Todd anymore, tells Jessica to go back to Todd. Jessica leaves the next morning and Todd is waiting for her outside Liz’s apartment building. He gives her a big hug and they go home to Sweet Valley. Liz meets Will later and tells him everything. He still thinks she’s the bee’s knees and they go back to Liz’s.

Will and Liz become friends with benefits, and things are going really well. Her article comes out and she gets another job offer from a magazine. By the time Will’s play opens, Liz has decided she’s not in love with Will, but they have a really good friendship. On opening night, Will’s parents show up with the fiancé Will left behind when he came to New York to be a famous playwright. It’s clear to Liz that Will and Wendy love each other. She’s happy for them.

When Liz goes home for Jessica’s wedding, Bruce tells Liz he’s selling his house and moving to New York because he’s in love with someone who lives there. Liz is an idiot and Bruce has to spell it out for her that Liz is the one he loves. They go up to Bruce’s bedroom where they get naked and we learn that Liz has “taut nipples.”

EPILOGUE: FOR ALL SWEET VALLEY FANS OF OLD

Everyone in the world shows up to Jessica’s wedding, and Francine gives us a little bio of what’s been going on with all our old friends…

• Bill Chase – Lost his right leg to a shark during a triathlon three years ago. Now teaches surfing to handicapped teens. Married someone named Lianne Kane.
• Roger Collins – Mr. Collins has quit teaching and is a successful writer. His son is now nineteen and named Sam (pretty sure he used to be named Teddy).
• Jeffrey French – Lila’s date for the wedding. Now Francine tells us he’s single, even though Jessica talked to his wife in the second chapter.
• Dee Dee Gordon – Working as an artist
• Charlie Markus – Married Annie Whitman. He writes for a car magazine but wants to be a novelist. He is referred to as the boy who “saved” Annie, but I think Francine has confused him with Ricky Capaldo.
• Betsy Martin – An alcoholic who sleeps around. I guess art school wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
• A. J. Morgan – Sells shoes at the Nike store in the mall.
• Roger Barrett Patman – A successful Hollywood producer. He married Zoe Jones, a rock star.
• Caroline Pearce – Caroline’s cancer is in remission these days. She puts out a gossip blog six days a week.
• Enid Rollins – Enid is a successful gynecologist, but she’s arrogant and extremely right-wing. She plans to run for city council, and that’s why she wants to keep her relationship with A. J. a secret. She doesn’t think a shoe salesman is an appropriate partner for someone as important as she is.
• Nicky Shepard – I don’t know why we care about this guy since he was really only important in one book, but Francine tells us he hit rock bottom two years ago and is now living in Utah, teaching at an AA center.
• Cara Walker – She and Steven are now divorced, but she still remains friendly with Ned and Alice.
• Annie Whitman – Annie is a lawyer in San Francisco. She and Charlie have a two-year-old boy.
• Robin Wilson – Catered Jessica’s wedding. She’s also senior editor of Bon Appétit.
• George Warren – A representative for a Silicon Valley company. Lives in England.

We get a rundown of some dead folks. Winston, Regina and Tricia are mentioned, but strangely, Olivia Davidson is not. Maybe because of her zombie appearance in SVU. Surprisingly, Suzanne Devlin is among the dead. We’re told she returned to Sweet Valley six years after the Mr. Collins scandal, but she had multiple sclerosis and crashed her car after taking her medication with champagne. Wait, I thought she just had mono. I’m confused.

And now the Wakefields…

• Ned Wakefield – Still a successful lawyer. He’s so awesome that even the mayor came to the wedding.
• Alice Wakefield – Now has her own interior design company. It is, of course, successful. Alice was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago, but she had a lumpectomy and some radiation and is good to go.
• Steven Wakefield – Steve and Aaron are living together and hoping that someday they’ll be able to get married.
• Elizabeth Wakefield – Liz was Jessica’s maid of honor. I think that’s gross, but what do I know? She and Bruce are totally in love.
• Jessica Wakefield – Was fifteen minutes late for her own wedding because, as you know, nothing starts until she gets there.

Quotes:

Unless, of course, she were to arrive, unexpectedly, at her grandmother’s party on the arm of a handsome New York playwright. That certainly wouldn’t be pathetic.

It’s a little pathetic if he looks exactly like the ex-boyfriend you’re so eager to show up.

…its main financial backing had come from Richard Fowler, Lila’s father.

Didn’t his name used to be George?

One time when we were in high school, this lunatic madman came at her with a sledgehammer. I jumped in between them, and I didn’t even have a weapon. All I had was crazy fury and determination to save my sister’s life.

What’s funny is that I thought I would try to give you guys a link to the book this is from and make a snarky comment about it, but the twins escaped death so many times that I don’t know which book to link to.

I’m in my black Porsche convertible, the last vestige of the old Bruce that I can’t give up.

1BRUCE1 is still alive, people!

“I remember once I had this thing with Caroline way back when we were in the seventh grade. She told everyone that I let A. J. Morgan touch my breast.”

That’s so weird, you know, because he didn’t move to Sweet Valley until junior year.

She was twenty-seven years old and this was the first person she’d ever told to go fuck himself. What was wrong with her?

Oh, Liz. You’ve just been suffering from Valleyitis. Folks from the SV don’t say fuck. Except Alice Wakefield, apparently.

The Cover: Is boring. I really do like the endpapers though.

The End.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

Synopsis:

Despite this being the penultimate book in the series, not a lot actually happens and it only seems to span about an hour of Sweet Valley time. If this were a television show, Earthquake would be a clip episode, with the current action only taking up five to ten minutes and the rest being flashbacks to episodes past.

On the streets of Sweet Valley: Jessica and Steve are both okay, but the Jeep is wrapped around a telephone pole. After administering some first aid to each other, they manage to get on the road, but then have a fight about whether they should go to the gas station to get Billie or go home to Liz. They settle on going for Billie, and once they have her, she and Steve send Jessica on home while they walk up the street to see if they can find Ned and Alice, who went to the movies earlier. Jessica wants nothing more than to get back to Liz because she’s got that freaky twin psychic thing going on and knows Liz is in danger, but on her way home she stops to help a twelve-year-old girl who’s about to fall into a crevasse in the road. Despite her best efforts, the girl falls and Jessica blames herself for her death.

In the Wakefields’ kitchen: Annie has a broken arm, but she, white Maria and Winston are okay. The refrigerator is pinning Olivia’s arm to the floor and Ken is trying to get it off her. Winston and the girls tell him they’ll go for help. Just after they go outside, an aftershock fucks up the house even more and their path back inside is blocked. Olivia is calm and numb. She knows the house is on fire and there’s no way anyone will be able to free her before it gets to her. She tells Ken to go for help, and after a passionate argument, he agrees and starts trying to dig his way out of the house.

In the bathroom: Lila and Todd are trapped because the doorframe has buckled around the door. They spend most of the book bickering, but when Lila realizes there’s a fire, she has flashbacks to John Pfeifer trying to burn her house down. Todd can’t think of any way out.

In the back yard: Ronnie Edwards is dead, smashed by a tree. Most people who are conscious are getting the hell out of dodge. Liz can’t find anyone who will help her save Enid, who is lying in a pool of water right next to some exposed wires. Devon is sitting moodily on the patio refusing to help anyone and Liz spends way too much time trying to convince him to help her. She finally goes to help Enid alone, but falls into the pool. Then, just to make sure the book lasts the requisite 230 pages, a rattlesnake tries to attack her and she beats it away with a piece of crown molding floating nearby. Then she gets out of the pool and goes to Enid, who is uncomfortably close to the raging fire. She starts dragging Enid and almost manages to get away, but then a writhing wire touches her leg. She and Enid slump to the ground, and Liz passes out.

In the end, the cavalry arrives in the form of an EMT team. They get Liz, Enid, Todd and Lila to safety, but are too late to help Olivia.

Quotes:

In the midst of a full-blown disaster – with the house apparently self-destructing around them – Lila was calmly filing her nails.

Duh, Todd. She needs to look good for the rescue team.

The Cover: I guess this ugly piece of crap cover fits in with the “clip show” style of the book. Except…who’s that guy in the bottom left corner? I have never seen that guy before.

The Moral of the Story: If your birthday party is too awesome, the universe will retaliate with an earthquake.

The Big Deal: Birthday party for the twins

Synopsis:

The school year is about to end. For real this time. The twins’ seventeenth birthday is on June 13, and Liz wants to plan a surprise party for Jessica. She decides to rent the Beach Disco for the night. At the same time, Jessica is trying to plan a party for Liz. She decides on an elegant dinner party on the beach. So while Liz is spending her life savings on a deposit and guaranteeing the Beach Disco guys at least a hundred guests, Jessica is borrowing money from Steve to hire a jazz quartet for the beach party. Way to go, twins. When Lila and Amy find out there are going to be two parties, they get Enid and black Maria involved in some kind of scheme, the details of which are being withheld from me in an attempt to create suspense.

As for the rest of Sweet Valley: White Maria breaks up with Winston because he blabs that she sleeps with a teddy bear, Ken breaks up with Olivia because she paints a nude portrait of him and insists on entering it in a school art show, Bruce has been telling everyone he’s going to Harvard next year but hasn’t actually gotten an acceptance letter yet, and Todd and Devon are both moping around pretending they’re over Liz.

Whatever Lila’s plan is, she’s calling it The Plan and it seems to involve everyone bailing on the twins and not helping them plan their respective parties. When Friday the thirteenth rolls around, the twins wake up early and have breakfast with Steve and Billie before school. After school, Jessica and Lila go to the beach and start trying to set up their rented tent, but a couple of beach patrol guys come along and tell them they can’t have a party without a permit. At the same time, Liz and Enid go to the Beach Disco to set up, but the manager tells them he has no record of a Wakefield party. Both twins are devastated, and Lila and Enid take them home. They arrive at the same time, and when they go inside they find a surprise party waiting for them. Hooray! But wait, I still have seventy pages left, so I guess some more drama has to happen.

At the party: The twins get a brand new Jeep. Bruce announces to everyone that he’s turned Harvard down so he can attend Sweet Valley University. Winston and white Maria make up. Ken and Olivia make up. Billie leaves in Steve’s car to get ice, but the car dies. Steve and Jessica take the new Jeep to go get her. Todd drops by to tell Liz that he’ll be spending the summer at a basketball camp and he thinks they shouldn’t try to contact each other during that time. Then he tries to go to the bathroom, but Lila’s taking too long doing her makeup. Todd opens the door and gets ready to throw her out. Devon saw Liz and Todd talking together and it pissed him off, so he picks a fight with Liz. Ken, Olivia, Annie and white Maria are hanging out in the kitchen.

Then there’s an earthquake.

Olivia is crushed by a beam falling from the kitchen ceiling. I’m pretty sure she’s dead. Then the whole Wakefield house pretty much falls to the ground. Out on the road, Jessica crashes the Jeep and hits the windshield. And that’s where the book ends.

Quotes:

“After holding the preprom party and the postprom brunch here, my parents have put me on party probation.”

My goodness, that’s a lot of alliteration. Try saying “postprom brunch” five times fast. And hey, since when do Lila’s parents care how many parties she throws?

Ken Matthews…watched Bruce Patman pull his monogrammed pool cue from the stand. The engraved brass plaque on the handle read 1BRUCE1, the same as the custom license plates on Bruce’s black Porsche.

I love that his pool cue says 1BRUCE1. That is fabulous.

“It’s more than a chance to show my work!” Olivia explained. “What’s at stake is my integrity as an artist. I can’t let anyone else’s notions of propriety compromise my artistic vision!”

1. You are a sixteen-year-old high school kid who likes to paint. You don’t have artistic integrity. 2. There must be some kind of rules about showing another sixteen-year-old’s naked likeness in a school art show.

“I’ve been hoping you’d come to your senses and apologize.”

It seems like Ken’s always saying shit like this and then getting all surprised when whatever chick he’s talking to gets pissed off.

The Cover: This cover is lame. Why are the twins black and white while their cake is in the foreground looking all creepily festive? And what’s with the back cover picture?

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: If you don’t press charges against a rapist, he’ll blow up your school. *

The Big Deal: Big football game

Synopsis:

Devon Whitelaw is at some crappy motel when he gets a letter from his old nanny, whose name is Nan. She wants him to stay with her in Sweet Valley, California. Devon travels that way and demands to know why Nan hasn’t contacted him in all the years since she quit working for the Whitelaws. It turns out Devon’s parents returned all Nan’s letters to her for no reason I can figure. Nan clearly cares about him, so Devon decides to stay in Sweet Valley. He goes out to explore the town and notices there’s a football game at the high school. He sees a beautiful blond girl with a heart-shaped face and instantly falls in love. Sigh.

Steve posts bail for Lila and it gets him in trouble at work. The twins can’t believe Steve would give up his whole career for Lila and they think the whole sick relationship needs to end. So, while Lila’s going through all the trauma of having her house burn down and being accused of setting the fire, the twins decide to play a trick on her. Bitches. They write Lila a letter from Steve, outlining the wonderful life they’re going to have, family barbecues, tons of kids, simple pleasures the whole way. Lila gets pissed and wonders just what luxuries Steve thinks she’s going to give up.

The next time Steve goes to work, the D.A. fires him. He starts clearing out his desk and finds a picture of Billie. It makes him all teary-eyed. Then he goes to the evidence room to take one last look at the Fowler case. He finds a fragment of the bomb from the restaurant. There’s a piece of a soda can, ProSport lemon, which is the kind of soda John Pfeifer had on his desk at the Oracle office.

Lila and Steve haven’t broken up yet, so Liz decides to write another letter. When Steve reads it, he can’t believe Lila cares so much about having dinner parties and introducing him to the right people. Blah, blah, blah. Who cares? Lila and Steve spend a few days apart, but the twins aren’t satisfied because what if they decide they miss each other? They decide the best thing to do is get them together while they’re still upset about the letters. There’s a big football game coming up and they figure that will be the perfect time.

At the game, Jessica tells Lila that Steve wants to see her, and Liz tells Steve that Lila wants to see him. They meet inside the school and break up amicably, but then Lila mentions Steve’s letter. Confusion follows and they realize the twins set them up. They think it would be funny to go back to the game all lovey-dovey and trick the twins, but on their way there, they see John Pfeifer hiding in some bushes.

John runs away, and Lila and Steve follow him around to the front of the gym. John has gone completely off the deep end. He gives an Evil Villain speech and talks about how he burned down Fowler Crest because he hates Lila for turning him into an outcast. Then he lights the fuse and the gym explodes. Somehow, Lila and Steve are okay, but John dies.

Whoa.

The next morning, Steve’s making breakfast when the D.A. shows up at the front door and offers to give Steve his job back. The twins start jumping up and down and Jessica kisses the D.A. on the cheek, which kind of cracks me up. Then Lila, who spent the night because her parents are STILL out of town, comes downstairs and asks what the commotion is all about. Steve winks at her and tells her the good news, and then he and Lila tell the twins they’re engaged. They get a good laugh out of the looks on the twins’ faces. Steve drives Lila home, and her parents FINALLY show up and tell her how sorry they are and that they’ll never again go someplace where Lila can’t get in touch with them. So I guess that’s resolved.

Quotes:

When Lila had officially been booked, a female officer with frizzy red hair guided her toward the holding cell.

Just so you know, all the cops are ugly. That’s how we know we’re supposed to hate them.

He couldn’t imagine actually fitting in – a cold climate East Coaster in this mellow, warm place.

Oh, don’t worry about that, Devon. Almost all our new students are from the east coast!

The Cover: Is that how the preppy people dressed in January of 1998? I wouldn’t know, I was too busy wearing my crappy Nirvana shirts and holey jeans ‘cause I was just that awesome.

*I’m kidding. But seriously, please press charges if you ever find yourself in this kind of situation.

The Moral of the Story: Sweet Valley High needs to start doing psych evals on potential cheerleaders.

The Big Deal: Big basketball tournament

Synopsis:

In the prologue, the SVH cheerleading squad is tied up in somebody’s basement, which is filling with water while “Free Bird” plays on a radio upstairs. Oh boy. I can’t wait to see how this happened…

One day, Liz is called to the principal’s office after school. Mr. Cooper introduces her to Diane and Brad, a writer and photographer from Scoop magazine. They’re in Sweet Valley because they’re going to write an article about “The Girls of Seventy-Six.” The “Girls” are the SVH cheerleading squad of 1976, who did nothing more extraordinary than win the state competition that year. Diane happened to be on that squad, but I still can’t imagine why a national magazine would care about it. Anyway, the article is a “where are they now?” kind of thing, and Mr. Cooper has offered Liz up as a research assistant. In exchange, she’ll get a credit in the magazine.

Liz leaves for the library to start her research right away. Brad follows her and obnoxiously starts flirting and asking her where da party at. He’s confused and thinks Liz is the cheerleader who was just showing off for him on the football field. Just so you’re aware, Brad is the best looking guy we’ve ever seen. Liz gets rid of him. In the library, she tells Ms. Swanson, the new shy library assistant, all about the article. We can assume Ms. Swanson mysteriously has something to do with the Girls of Seventy-Six because she wears hippie clothes, says things like “far out,” listens to classic rock and has a bad reaction to Liz’s talk about the article.

Jessica and her cheerleaders are all upset because the school board just made a rule that all school activities must now have a faculty adviser. Finally! They can’t think of anyone who would still let them do sexy moves and wear skimpy outfits and this pains them. Liz suggests Ms. Swanson. Jessica thinks that’s a great idea because she figures she’ll be too shy to tell the cheerleaders what to do. At her very first practice, Ms. Swanson starts to get weird when she confuses the cheerleaders with the Girls of Seventy-Six. Meanwhile, Liz finds out there was another girl on the ’76 squad who dropped out because she had some kind of weird disease. Of course, nobody remembers her name, but I’ll bet you anything it’s Nancy Swanson. Anyway, all this research is taking up too much of Liz’s time and Todd gets pissy like he always does and they have a big fight.

Amy and Jade don’t show up for cheerleading practice on Friday, but Nancy tells the rest of the squad that she sent them up the coast to pick up the new uniforms. Later that night, Nancy sits in her beanbag chair listening to her Doobie Brothers records loud enough to drown out the noises coming from her basement. She remembers being seventeen and suddenly having this unnamed mysterious disease that makes her twitch and stuff. The other girls kicked her off the cheerleading squad and one of them Loretta, stole her boyfriend, George. So I guess it all traumatized her so bad that she wants to punish the current cheerleaders. Whatever. I mean, that’s pretty shitty, but don’t be a crazed maniac because of it. The next day, she kidnaps Heather and throws her in the basement with Amy and Jade. Amy’s and Heather’s mothers both call Jessica to find out if she knows where their daughters might be, but Jessica is too wrapped up in her dates with Brad to concern herself with such things.

Liz accompanies Diane and Brad to Gina Bari’s house. Gina’s sister is Loretta, the captain of the ’76 squad. She tells our gang that Loretta died shortly after graduation, but that she was never the same after “the accident.” Apparently, Loretta and George were driving around when George grabbed the wheel and steered the car off a bridge. George died instantly, and later there was some mysterious ugly girl whose name nobody can remember on Loretta’s front lawn screaming at Loretta for killing her boyfriend. The September after she took her squad to nationals, Loretta got drunk and drowned in the quarry. The story gives Liz flashbacks to the accident that killed Sam. She’s all sad and stuff and decides to stop being mad at Todd because she needs him. Todd hangs up on her when she calls. Ha! But damn, they make up the next day.

On Sunday, Annie and Jessica meet at the mall and realize all the other cheerleaders are missing except Lila. Then Jessica goes home and gets pissed that Lila isn’t there like she said she’d be. *facepalm* Jessica is about to get ready for a date with Brad when a car pulls up outside. Lila’s at the wheel and Annie’s in the backseat. Nancy is in the passenger seat and she tells Jessica to hop in so they can talk. Jessica says she has to be somewhere else, but Nancy pulls out a gun and tells her she’d better just go ahead and get in the fucking car.

So now we’ve caught up to the prologue. The cheerleaders are in the basement and “Free Bird” is playing upstairs while water pours out of a pipe. For some reason, when none of the cheerleaders come home Sunday night, all their parents come to the conclusion that they’re at Maria’s house having a big party because her parents are out of town. Nobody goes over there or anything, but they take the fact that nobody is answering the phone there as proof of this party. Then, when all the cheerleaders skip school on Monday, everyone thinks they’re just a bunch of wild and crazy gals. Nobody worries.

Jessica manages to get herself untied and she unties everyone else. They all gather at the top of the stairs near the apparently watertight door, but the water level is still rising. Liz shows up because she had a flash of brilliance and deduced that Nancy was the missing cheerleader from 1976 and she wants to talk to her for the article. When she gets there, all that happens is that she gets thrown into the basement with the others. Well done.

Since Nancy seems to be living in the past and keeps calling the cheerleaders by the names of the girls on the ’76 squad, Liz comes up with the idea of going along with it and pretending they want Nancy on the squad. The plan gets Amy’s Project-Youth-volunteer seal of approval, so they all start chanting some cheer and then yelling for Nancy to join them. Finally, Nancy opens the door and the water rushes out and knocks her over. The cheerleaders go free and Nancy gets arrested. Hooray!

I guess that’ll show the school board what happens when you try to impose a little adult supervision over the cheerleaders.

Quotes:

“Cowabunga! Brad is looking better and better every minute!”

Did anyone besides Ninja Turtles ever actually say “cowabunga?” Especially as late as October of 1997?

“Why can’t he cut me a little slack now and then when I’m working on a writing project that matters to me? He does this every single time!”

He really does. Maybe it’s time to BREAK UP!!

The Cover: Very compelling picture, I guess. But not really what happened in the book.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Um…vampires are real? That’s all I got.

The Big Deal: Just the end of Jonathan’s party

Synopsis:

So, yeah, Katrina’s pretty dead. The cops show up and question everyone. Enid stays after everyone else has gone and cleans the house, thinking that will make Jonathan love her again. She finally goes home, and then Jessica shows up. She and Jonathan make out and Jessica has some kind of vision of them flying or something. She wakes up the next morning having no idea how she got home. When she goes down to breakfast, she’s appalled when her parents ground the twins for going to Jonathan’s party. They’re with Jonathan for throwing the party in the first place since there’s a curfew in effect. They say the twins are to have nothing to do with him, but Jessica freaks out and convinces them to have Jonathan over for Sunday dinner.

Jonathan manages to charm the socks of the twins’ parents. Liz is disappointed; she was hoping they would hate him on sight. Speaking of Liz, she’s still stringing Joey along. Todd drove her home from Jonathan’s party and was about to tell her how much he missed her when he saw Joey’s car in the Wakefields’ driveway. Liz can hardly stand Joey, so I’m not sure why she’s even still hanging out with him. Who even cares?

Katrina Sutton’s funeral is the next day. Liz and Todd find themselves holding hands. Aww. After the service, Enid sits at Katrina’s grave and spills all her troubles to the dead girl. Then “someone” attacks her. These books are written in such a way that I’m pretty sure we’re not supposed to know Jonathan is the killer, but they totally fail at being tricky and suspenseful. Anyway, after Enid is attacked, Jonathan takes her to the hospital. I don’t really get what’s supposed to be wrong with her, but she’s in critical condition for the next week.

Enid’s attack, combined with the recent murders, has got the Sweet Valley gang in an uproar. They turn into vigilantes at lunch one day, shouting about how the murderer needs to be found and the police need to learn to do their jobs. They all start chanting, “Kill the killer! Kill the killer!” It’s a little weird.

Liz is at the hospital when Enid wakes up for a second, mumbles Jonathan’s name and then passes out again. For some reason, even though she knows Enid has been in love with Jonathan since he showed up, Liz thinks this means that Jonathan is the one that attacked her. The worst part is that she’s right, dammit. Liz can’t get anyone to believe her, but she does somehow get black Maria to go with her to search Jonathan’s house. She finds some books about vampires and takes them home. After reading them, she’s positive Jonathan is a vampire. She puts the book down when she hears something outside. She goes out the front door just in time to see Jonathan and Jessica riding away on Jonathan’s motorcycle. It’s way after midnight and Liz doesn’t know what to do. She calls Joey, who pretty much laughs at her and tells her to stop worrying. Liz doesn’t like that, so she calls Todd, who validates her fears and tells her to wake her parents. That’s what she does. Alice calls the police.

Jonathan takes Jessica to a cave on the beach. He starts to tell her his life story, but they’re interrupted when the police show up. They lecture Jessica and Jonathan for a while about how dangerous it is for them to be out so late, especially in this area, as the cave is quite possibly the killer’s lair. *facepalm* Ned and Alice ground Jessica indefinitely and tell her Jonathan Cain is off limits forever.

On Saturday night, Bruce has a meeting at his house to discuss what the kids are going to do about the murderer. Liz comes by to tell everyone she suspects Jonathan is a vampire. They believe her. Seriously. They work themselves into a frenzy and start chanting, “Kill the killer!” again. Liz gets a phone call from Enid’s mother, who tells her Enid finally woke up and said Jonathan was the one who saved her and brought her to the hospital. Now Liz is all confused. When she hangs up the phone, she finds everyone has left, including black Maria, her ride. She calls Joey and tells him she needs him to help her out. He’s pissed because she stood him up that night, so he tells her to fuck off. A round of applause for Joey, everyone. Todd didn’t leave with everyone else and is eavesdropping on Liz’s conversation. He’s more than happy to offer his assistance and Liz is more than happy to boss him around.

Todd and Liz find Jonathan’s cave. When they go inside, they find Jessica and Jonathan sitting around with weird, blank expressions on their faces. The angry mob is right behind them, and Todd tells Jonathan to get out while he can. Jonathan runs down the beach and disappears. A minute later, a big black bird swoops down over Jessica and then flies away before the angry mob of teenagers gets there, all disappointed that there’s no bad guy for them to kill.

Just so we’re clear, this isn’t like the crazy guy who thought he was a werewolf. Jonathan is actually a vampire.

Quotes:

Some party! Enid raged to herself. Katrina Sutton dropped dead, and Jessica stole Jonathan away from me. The night was a total bust.

Enid’s really gone off the deep end.

Elizabeth sat down on a lawn chair and closed her eyes. “It’s just that…I’m grounded.” Her face grew hot with embarrassment.

“Grounded!” Joey shrieked. “That’s so…high school!”

Joey’s kind of a douche. Except…

“Let me get this straight, Elizabeth. You and I supposedly had a date today, but you stood me up. Now you expect me to come running to Sweet Valley because you’re worried about your sister?”

…“This isn’t the time for games, Joey. I’m begging. Either you come and help me now, or it’s over between us.”

“OK,” he said. “If that’s the way you want it, then I guess it’s over.”

Dammit, the one guy who seems to be able to stand up to St. Liz is taking off.

The Cover: Well, that’s dramatic. I love the angry mob with their flashlights and implements of destruction.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: Jessica Wakefield always gets her man. Especially if Enid is her competition.

The Big Deal: Party at Jonathan’s creepy mansion

Synopsis:

Todd shows up at Liz’s house just in time to see her in Joey’s arms. He gets pissed and gets back in his car. Liz says they can fight later but they have to find Jessica right now. Todd is all, “Fuck off, bitch,” as he drives away. He goes home and rips up his pictures of Liz and decides he’s not going to be Mr. Nice Guy anymore. I really hope this means they’re breaking up for good. Joey and Liz jump in Joey’s car and she explains everything to him on the way to Secca Lake to see if the murder victim is Jessica.

It isn’t. We know this because Jessica is at this moment at Jonathan’s house making out with him. He stops kissing her and tells her to get the out “before it’s too late.” Jessica thinks he’s afraid he won’t be able to resist making out with her or something and just keeps flirting. Jonathan finally gives up and closes the front door. He starts making out with Jessica, but then tells her he can’t get involved with her and she’ll have to leave.

Enid is having Jonathan withdrawals. She drives to his house and curses the Wakefields when she sees the twins’ Jeep out front. She looks in the window and sees Jessica and Jonathan kissing. She gets all discouraged until Jessica runs out of the house, crying. Then she goes inside and Jonathan starts making out with her. This guy gets around. He starts sucking on Enid’s neck and that’s the last thing she remembers until she wakes up in the morning in her bed at home.

At school, good old Chrome Dome Cooper holds an assembly and says the girl who was murdered on Saturday night was a cheerleader from Palisades High. Sweet Valley is going to start enforcing a curfew: nobody under the age of eighteen is allowed out after ten o’clock. After the assembly, Jessica tries to tell Amy and Lila about her makeout session with Jonathan. They start giggling and tell her Jonathan gave Enid a hickey the same night. Ha, remember hickeys?

Todd dyes his hair black and joins the goth movement. Actually, all the guys want to look like Jonathan and have all started wearing black. Even Winston is doing it, though he makes a joke out of it all by wearing black tuxedo jackets with brightly colored ties. I’m starting to love Winston a little bit. The guys think the curfew is a total bummer and they decide to liven things up at SVH by getting Jonathan to throw a party. Jonathan says he doesn’t want to do that, but Todd and Bruce start inviting people anyway.

That night, Jonathan is pacing around his house, all upset because of his “hunger.” He wants Jessica, but she’s too important to him and it’s too dangerous. So he calls Enid and asks her to come over. ‘Cause it wouldn’t really matter if he accidentally killed her in a fit of vampire passion. Jessica calls but he tells her he’s sick. She decides to come over with some homemade chicken soup. This girl doesn’t even know how to do laundry, but she can make her own chicken soup. I’m so sure. When she gets there and sees Enid with her wild hair and smudged lipstick, she throws the thermos of soup at Jonathan and leaves. Enid tries to help him clean up the mess, but he gets pissed and tells her to get out. Jonathan is grateful to Jessica because if she hadn’t shown up, he would have hurt Enid. He’s one of those tortured vampires who really doesn’t want to kill anyone. He just can’t help it. A few nights later, Jessica can’t find Jasmine the cat. She goes outside and finds the cat’s dead body. Ewwww.

Liz has been going out with Joey ever since Todd found them together, but she isn’t sure she really likes him anymore. He’s acting all condescending ever since he started college. And he keeps taking Liz around Sweet Valley and showing her places like Miller’s Point and the Dairi Burger as though Liz hasn’t lived here her whole life. At the Dairi Burger, Joey asks Liz if she wants to do something the next night. Liz promised Jessica she’d go with her to Jonathan’s party, but she doesn’t want to bring Joey and flaunt her relationship with him in front of Todd or something so she lies to him and says she’s going to a movie with Jessica. Then, of course, Caroline Pearce comes over and mentions the party and how much Jessica is looking forward to going. Joey gets pissed and leaves Liz at the restaurant.

Jonathan’s party is just awesome. Jessica sneaks upstairs to meet Jonathan. The lights go out while she’s sitting on his bed. He comes in and they start kissing. Liz is downstairs freaking out. She somehow convinces Todd to help her get the lights back on. They go downstairs and mess with the breakers. When the lights come back on, they hear somebody scream upstairs. They run up and find Amy’s visiting cousin (and Todd’s date), Katrina, dead, her blood drained.

Quotes:

Todd turned up the collar of his black leather jacket and swaggered slowly into the cafeteria on Tuesday at lunchtime, imitating Jonathan’s walk. He was wearing black jeans and a black denim shirt with a white T-shirt underneath. His face was unshaven, and he’d dyed his hair black. Todd’s new look gave him a sense of fresh confidence.

UGH.

The Cover: These kids seem to think this party requires formal dress.

The Moral of the Story: Just one damned vampire will turn a whole town goth.

The Big Deal: The only big deal in this book is Jonathan Cain.

Synopsis:

Ah, jeez. Vampires.

Jessica has gotten a pair of diamond earrings from her grandmother, but she loses one at the Dairi Burger. She and Lila go digging through the Dumpster to try to find it. There’s a dead body underneath all the trash and the dead man has a bite mark on his neck. Gross. When the police get to the scene, they discover the body has been drained of blood.

Liz is all fucked up about Joey Mason, her summer fling. She can’t even stand to be around Todd because she feels so guilty. She ends a date early and Todd spends two pages trying to figure out what he did wrong. When they get to the Wakefields’ house, there’s a police car in the driveway. They run inside and Jessica tells them what happened. She introduces them to Jasmine, a cat she rescued from a tree outside the Dairi Burger. Everyone keeps saying Jasmine is the only witness to the murder.

At school on Monday, Jessica is a superstar and everyone wants to know what happened. Chrome Dome holds an assembly to talk about the murder. Enid sits with Maria and Liz, but Liz ignores her and just talks to Maria. Liz hasn’t told Enid about Joey, so Maria is the only one she can talk to about the fact that Joey will be going to UCLA and be within driving distance of Sweet Valley. Enid feels left out. Mr. Cooper introduces a new student, Jonathan Cain. He’s wearing black leather pants and a black t-shirt and of course he’s totally gorgeous. Enid and Jessica both decide they’re in love with him, and Liz immediately hates him because she recognizes him as the guy that bumped into her that morning and didn’t apologize.

Jessica tries to get Jonathan’s attention in a variety of ways, but he totally ignores her. She sits next to him in French class and passes him a flirtatious note. He passes one back telling her to leave him alone. Jessica gets all excited about what a challenge he’s going to be. Meanwhile, all the girls at school think Jonathan is totally hot and they start dressing like him and painting their nails black and shit. Lila and Jessica think it’s totally gross and stick with their lavender nail polish. Enid tells Liz she wants to dye her hair black, but Liz tells her it’s a stupid idea. Enid goes to the salon anyway and gets her hair dyed and straightened and also learns all about how to apply emo makeup. Liz is annoyed at everyone trying to copy Joey. Even Todd starts wearing black all the time.

Liz comes to a decision: she’s going to forget about Joey. She burns his letter and starts trying to convince herself she’s still in love with Todd, but it’s hard going, especially when she finds a canoe paddle in her locker. Wtf? I guess Joey put it there thinking it would be cute, but I’d sure be creeped out by it.

Enid turns into a creepy stalker and follows Jonathan after school one day to a dilapidated mansion on the outskirts of town. She sees him go inside, but nobody answers when she rings the doorbell and then knocks on the door. She walks around the house and looks in the windows. The house is disgusting and it’s clear nobody lives there. Enid gets freaked out and drives home.

Jessica finally gets Jonathan to give her a ride on his motorcycle. He takes her home and Jessica thinks it’s totally awesome that he knows where she lives. He drops her off, tells her again to leave her alone and then drives off. Liz can’t believe Jessica took a motorcycle ride. Jessica wakes up from a nightmare later and finds her missing earring on her windowsill. Weird. The next day, Jonathan tells Liz to keep Jessica away from him. Liz makes Jessica promise to leave him alone, but Jessica sneaks away on Saturday night while Liz is in the shower. She goes to the address Enid said she had followed Jonathan to.

When Liz gets out of the shower, she hears on the radio that another murder victim has been found. It’s a blond girl at Secca Lake and all her blood has been drained. Liz searches the house for Jessica and realizes she’s not there. She freaks out and does the only thing she can think of: she calls Todd and asks for his help. He says he’ll be right over and Liz panics until she hears a car in the driveway. She opens the door, but it’s Joey. She gives him a big hug and suddenly forgets that her sister might be dead. Of course, that’s the exact moment Todd shows up.

Jessica’s not dead. She’s at Jonathan’s house knocking incessantly on the door. Jonathan finally lets her in. He sets down his goblet of red wine and kisses Jessica. Then he pushes her away and says she should have left him alone.

Quotes:

“We’re trying to get that new guy, Jonathan, to join the basketball team,” Todd told Elizabeth.

Oh, Todd. Goth kids don’t play team sports.

I need new friends, Enid decided. Lynne Henry, Julie Porter, and Jennifer Mitchell, all of whom had also adopted Jonathan’s gothic style of dress, were sitting together at a nearby table.

So basically all the poor girls with no self-confidence are the ones being taken in by this new craze, but perfect and confident twins are immune.

Why can’t he admit that he cares for me?

This is Jessica, after Jonathan has done everything he can possibly do to show that he does not, in fact, care for her.

The Cover: Did anyone else wear those awful velvety black chokers back in the day? I thought I was so totally cool and goth when I wore mine. I imagine Jessica thinks it’s just the thing to make Jonathan fall in love with her. Jonathan looks like a total creeper up there in the window.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Everything is Elizabeth’s fault.

The Big Deal: Rumble at Bruce’s house, surfing competition

Synopsis:

Well, the cops have come and arrested Bruce and Todd for their jackassery and Liz is feeling a little guilty. Lila has spread out her Persian rug on the hood of her car, and she and Amy are hanging out watching the excitement. They tell Liz they saw Jessica get into a blue VW bus and leave. Liz, Enid and Maria take Winston to the hospital, where a bunch of other SVH guys treat him like a hero and make the girls sick. Then Liz goes home and stays up All Night Long waiting for Jessica to come home from her date with Christian. I guess Jessica staying out all night is no longer something to name a book after. Jessica tells Liz she’s been seeing Christian, and Liz freaks out about Jessica going out with a gang leader. And here I thought he was just a high school bully. Now he’s a gang leader. Please.

At school on Monday, Todd won’t talk to Liz and Ken goes ahead and confirms that he and Jessica are no longer a couple. I guess we’re supposed to feel sorry for the twins. Then at lunch, the boys and the girls have some words. Liz gets up and announces that the girls won’t have anything to do with the guys until the stupid war is over. All the girls go along with it and the boys are dismayed. They think it sucks that the girls just can’t understand what it’s like to be a man. Bruce says something really mean to Jessica and she goes outside to cry. Then Christian comes along like a knight in a shining VW bus and they go off to surf their cares away.

Liz, Enid and Olivia go to Palisades High to talk to Caitlin and Marla. Some big, butch gang member’s girlfriend named Rosie Shaw (a.k.a. Jessica’s opponent in the upcoming surfing competition) comes up to Liz and says she wants to talk in private. Rosie charms the pants off Liz (figuratively speaking) and tells her she’s going to try to come up with a dynamite plan to end the war. Liz immediately trusts this girl that even her friends seem to dislike, and for some horrible reason tells Rosie about Jessica and Christian. Rosie calls Liz that night and tells her to meet her the next day at a crappy diner near Palisades High. She’s come up with a plan that is simply too diabolical to be uttered over the phone.

Liz skips her afternoon classes the next day and drives to the Silverhead Diner, where Rosie lays it all out: Liz needs to find out where the SVH guys will be hanging out that night, then Rosie and Liz will go to each group of guys, one at a time, and tell them each that the other side wants to surrender. Liz is in complete awe of this plan and later sweet talks Todd into telling her the guys will be hanging out in Bruce’s basement. She calls Rosie and has absolutely no suspicions when Rosie wants detailed directions to Bruce’s house and asks whether or not the Patmans have guard dogs or anything. Rosie tells Liz to meet her at the Silverhead Diner at nine o’clock and they’ll go from there. To absolutely nobody’s surprise (except Liz’s), Rosie doesn’t show up. Liz finally figures out Rosie has set up a trap. She calls Jessica to warn her and apologize for trusting Rosie and telling her about Christian. She and Enid pick up Jessica and head over to Bruce’s house.

Todd is at Bruce’s trying to persuade the guys to end the war when someone starts yelling outside. They all run out and find Rosie Shaw. She tells Todd how stupid his girlfriend is. Then the Palisades guys, their faces painted in “grotesque designs,” start running around Bruce’s yard. Then everyone gets all quiet and Todd is terrified to see one of the Palisades guys has brass knuckles.

The guys trade insults for a while, and then Christian comes driving up in his awesome VW bus. He wants to know which one of his former friends left him the note that said to go to Bruce’s house or “kiss the cheerleader goodbye.” The girls show up just as the fighting starts. Christian falls and cracks his head on the ground and then falls into the pool.

Sweet Valley turns into Melodrama City. Jessica dives into the pool and brings Christian up. She and Liz administer CPR while Enid calls 911. The ambulance comes and takes Christian away. Suddenly, everyone is friends. Todd holds Liz’s hand while PH guys pile into SVH guys’ cars and everyone rushes off to the hospital. After a while, a doctor comes out and says Christian has died. Jessica sinks to the floor screaming, “No!” Rosie Shaw weeps on Winston’s shoulder. Aaron Dallas and some Palisades guy named Doug console each other. Nothing like a dead teenager to bring folks together.

Christian’s mother comes over after a couple weeks and gives Jessica Christian’s surfboard. Jessica uses it to win the freaking surf competition.

Quotes:

Elizabeth had known Bruce since childhood. He did have a hot temper and a reckless side, but it shocked her to see him treated like a dangerous criminal.

He is a dangerous criminal. But Liz, I’m done trying to remind you of the time he tried to rape you (remember that?).

Jessica: I never planned to fall in love with Christian. It just happened.

Ken: Oh, sure. And your mouth just happened to become fused with his as you were walking into the restaurant…Tell me something, Jessica…does that sort of thing just happen to you often?

Jessica: It really does! I just can’t explain it!

It didn’t matter how different they were; when times got tough, the Wakefield twins stuck together.

LOLOLOL

Pamela and Bruce had been dating on and off for some time and had recently gotten back together.

So that’s where she’s been.

The Cover: Ew, remember the nineties when everyone wore those horrible flannel hoodie things that Ken has on? And bright yellow sweaters were all the rage? And faceless crowds stood in shadows behind you everywhere you went?

The Moral of the Story: Christmas is a bad time to be a Wakefield twin.

The Big Deal: Party at Secca Lake, “Welcome Back from the Dead” party for Jessica

Synopsis:

UGH.

The prologue takes us back to “last year” when Margo died at Fowler Crest on New Year’s Eve. But apparently, nobody noticed the ambulance suddenly stop and then start again after leaving the house. I guess this is a suggestion that Margo is not actually dead and somehow managed to overpower the EMS guys and steal their ambulance.

It’s gonna be a long recap, I can already tell.

A couple weeks before Christmas, a girl named Nora Chappelle is at her father’s wake in Savannah, Georgia. Nora hates her stepmother, Blanche. She overhears Blanche’s cousins talking about Nora’s real mother being insane. After the funeral, Blanche gives Nora a check for fifty thousand dollars and tells her to get lost. Then she says Nora has a twin sister somewhere named Margo. Blanche made Nora’s father put Margo up for adoption when they got married. Nora vows to find her sister. Nora just ain’t right. You can tell because she thinks she can see smells. Also, she suddenly starts talking to mirrors as though her reflection is Margo.

There’s a party up at Secca Lake and Todd is running late. He’s driving way too fast on the winding roads and ends up crashing through the guard rail. Jessica, who is of course also running late, sees Todd’s car about to go over the cliff. She manages to pull him out just before the car falls and explodes. Up at the lake, Liz sees the big fiery ball and calls 911 on Lila’s cellular phone before racing to the scene. She sees Jessica climbing into the ambulance with Todd’s stretcher and gets upset when nobody will tell her anything. At the hospital, Jessica and Todd make googly eyes at each other. The doctor refers to Jessica as Todd’s girlfriend and neither of them corrects him.

When Liz finally gets to the hospital, she’s totally jealous that Jessica was the one who saved Todd, not her. Todd staring at Jessica with “a look he usually reserved for Elizabeth” doesn’t help matters. Jessica can tell Liz is jealous and it irritates her. That night, Liz has the same dream she had last year about a girl who she thinks is Jessica but who has black hair trying to kill her. The next morning, the newspaper runs a picture of Jessica and Todd at the hospital. The headline is, “Local Girl Saves Her Boyfriend’s Life.” Liz goes to the hospital to visit Todd. He tries to reassure her when she says she’s jealous. It works until she gets home and finds Jessica telling all her friends that Todd pledged his undying gratitude to her the night before.

Meanwhile, Nora’s gotten hold of a bunch of documents pertaining to Margo. She learns all about the Wakefield twins and how Margo tried to kill Liz to impersonate her. The article Nora has says Nora was pronounced dead, but on the way to the hospital, the ambulance went off the Palisades bridge and Margo’s body was never recovered. I guess nobody ever thought to inform the Wakefields. Nora is distraught and decides the Wakefield twins should die. Because she’s crazy.

Todd and Liz go to the Dairi Burger for a nice intimate date, but Todd wants to sit with Jessica and her friends. Amy and Lila start hounding Todd for details about Jessica’s rescue and Todd is more than happy to oblige. Liz and Ken are sick of the whole thing so they leave to go to a movie. When Liz gets home that night, Jessica is furious. She accuses Liz of ruining her date with Ken, and Liz accuses her of ruining her date with Todd. On Christmas Eve, Todd and Ken are at the Wakefields’ house for dinner, and Todd stands up and gives a toast to Jessica. Liz runs up to her room and starts crying. The twins, not wanting to have another Christmas like last year’s, make up the next morning.

Nora, who has arrived in Sweet Valley, puts on a blond wig and goes to spend Christmas with Margo’s ghost at the cemetery. A hand closes around her throat and Nora turns around to find Margo trying to kill her. Then Nora’s wig falls off and Margo is super confused. Nora introduces herself and takes Margo back to the hotel with her. Margo says she’s been spying on the twins for the past year. She teaches Nora everything she knows about them. They decide to kill both Wakefield twins and become them. But first, they have to make sure the twins hate each other again.

Nora pretends to be Liz and calls Todd and asks him to a movie, then makes out with him the whole night where Liz, who is at the theater with Enid, can see them. When Jessica gets home that night, Liz starts screaming at her and won’t listen to Jessica’s claims that she was with Ken all night. Nora’s proud of herself for impersonating Liz so well and she’s all psyched to try Jessica, but Margo says Nora has to be Liz. Yeah, Margo and Nora fight over who gets to be Jessica when they kill the twins and take over their lives.

On New Year’s Eve, the twins go to a carnival with their friends. Jessica goes into the House of Mirrors and gets totally creeped out. Then we don’t see her again until she shows up two hours later and Lila asks her where her earrings went. Hmm. Later that night, Nora sneaks into the Wakefield house and kills Jessica, Margo be damned. Liz is in the next room having a nightmare and she screams. Nora freaks out and starts climbing out the window. Liz runs to Jessica’s room and sees her, but thinks she’s Margo. The she sees Jessica’s dead body and starts screaming.

While the Wakefields are at the hospital, friends of the twins gather on the front lawn. It’s three-thirty in the morning, so I don’t know how any of them heard about what happened, but whatever. At the police station, Liz tries to tell the police that she saw Margo climbing out the window, but the detective is a bitch and just shows her Margo’s death certificate. Liz points out that Margo’s body was never found, but the detective is an idiot. Meanwhile, Nora hasn’t seen Margo all night. She gets it into her head that Margo is going to kill her, so she plans to kill her first. Then she’ll kill Liz and become her, since she fucked up on becoming Jessica.

Ned and Alice try to talk to Liz about funeral arrangements for Jessica, but Liz doesn’t think a funeral parlor is appropriate. She insists the memorial should be held at the school since it was Jessica’s favorite place in the world. Except for all those times she wanted to skip school and shit. But anyway. Two thousand people show up for the service. Liz reads a poem for Jessica and then runs off stage crying. Todd hugs her and says he’s sorry for whatever Liz thinks he did. Liz says she knows he wasn’t with Jessica that night and that Margo was tricking him. Todd acts like she’s crazy (“Margo’s dead. Remember?”) and Liz is all cryptic instead of just explaining that she was at the movies with Enid that night and saw Todd kissing someone who looked just like her.

After the memorial, Liz “feels Jessica’s presence” and is suddenly sure she’s alive. She tries to tell Steve, but he just thinks she’s losing her mind. She has a dream that night that there are two Margos trying to kill her. Now Liz is pretty sure Margo had a twin, that Jessica is still alive and that Margo is the one who got stabbed on New Year’s Eve. That’s a lot of information to glean from a nightmare. The police come over the next day to question her some more and the detective for some reason puts her gun on a table in the dining room. Liz makes an excuse and sneaks out through the dining room, picking up the gun on her way to the Jeep.

Liz goes to the school and sees the furnace room door open. She goes in and sees Jessica and Nora struggling. She holds up the gun, but can’t tell which one is really her twin, even though Jessica is the one who’s tied up. She makes what looks to me to be a random choice and aims the gun at Nora, telling Jessica to pick up Nora’s knife and cut herself free. She explains to Jessica that Margo had a twin, and tells Nora she killed her own twin sister that night, not Jessica.

The cops show up and arrest Nora and the world sits comfortably on its axis for another day. A few days later, Lila, Liz and Steve throw Jessica a “Welcome Back from the Dead” party. Seriously.

Quotes:

Margo shook her head. “This is my show,” she said. Nora detected a hint of menace in her voice. “The cast includes me in the role of Jessica, and you as Elizabeth. There are no understudies.” … [Nora] hated going against Margo’s wishes. But she wasn’t ready to give up her dream. Not by a long shot.

I can’t believe they seriously have a falling out because they can’t agree on who gets to be Jessica.

The Cover: I guess there’s not really much to snark at here. It’s kind of a boring cover.