Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: If you work too much, your boyfriend is going to make out with some other chick.

Synopsis:

Andy is starting to get seriously annoying. He picks up Six for a date and gets totally flustered because she’s showing a little cleavage. And not just flustered, but scared. He still doesn’t know exactly how he feels about her so he’s basically afraid to be alone with her because then she might try to make out with him or something. In the car after dinner, Six starts unbuttoning her shirt and Andy just about has a heart attack. He goes to sleep that night wondering why he’s not attracted to Six. Andy, I’d like you to meet Tom McKay. I think you two might have a lot in common.

Conner is still being a whiny little bitch about Liz’s job. And I guess he kind of has a reason to be: his mom is coming home from rehab and he really wants Liz to be there for moral support the night before she gets there. Surprise, surprise, Liz has to work, so Conner walks over to Tia’s in the pouring rain. Tia gives him some of Angel’s old sweats to change into while Conner’s clothes dry, and they start talking about the fact that Conner’s afraid of what his mom is going to be like. They’re sitting very close together and looking very intense when Liz suddenly bursts in to surprise Conner. She gets a little weirded out when Tia and Conner nervously say they were just talking.

Ken’s father’s girlfriend, Asha, apologizes to Ken for her and Mr. Matthews missing the awards banquet on Friday night. She insists on making dinner for the Matthews men on Monday night. Maria comes over and gets along great with Asha, but then Ken’s dad calls and says he has to work late and won’t be able to make it. Asha looks really disappointed and Ken is pissed at his dad because it seems like he’s just avoiding his girlfriend. He’s a senior reporter and he should have been able to delegate the assignment that made him miss dinner.  A couple days later, Ken wakes up in the morning feeling really good about his father’s relationship, but when he goes down to breakfast, some woman who is not Asha is hanging out in Mr. Matthews’ bathrobe. Gross.

Andy goes on a couple more dates with Six, but it’s becoming increasingly obvious to him that he’s just not at all attracted to her. He does have a great time talking to Six’s brother, Travis, but doesn’t think anything of it until he notices himself checking Travis out and his heart actually skips a beat. He eventually comes to terms with the possibility that he might be gay, and he manages to break things off with Six without hurting her too much.

Tia comes to the mall the next day to see Liz on her break, and she gets really uncomfortable when Liz starts interrogating her about what she and Conner were talking about the night before. Liz is really upset that she’s not involved in every aspect of Conner’s life, and she’s a little jealous of the closeness Conner and Tia share. Meanwhile, Conner’s mother comes home and actually seems better. She cooks for the first time in years and makes Conner’s favorite dinner. Conner is feeling pretty good about this and calls Liz later to tell her all about it. Mrs. Wakefield says Liz is at work, so Conner sighs and calls Tia. They meet at House of Java, and Tia can’t believe how upbeat and happy Conner seems. She gives him a hug and is shocked when she feels a less than platonic emotion.

Maria decides to stick her nose in where it doesn’t belong and tell Conner that Liz is feeling insecure about him talking to Tia and not her about all his home stuff. Conner dwells on it all day and gets angrier and angrier that Liz has been talking to Maria about what’s going on with his mom. They’re supposed to go out that night, but Conner calls and says he’s sick because he doesn’t want to deal with her. He goes to Tia’s instead and they fall asleep watching a movie. They wake up facing each other in the morning and suddenly start kissing. They both think maybe they should stop, but it just feels too good. Inevitably, Liz barges in (doesn’t she ever knock?) and starts crying when she sees them. Then Mrs. Ramirez comes into the room and sees Conner and Tia in bed together. This is bad news, folks.

The Cover: This is the cheesiest picture. Does Liz’s hat say “LOL?” And I hate Conner’s stupid face. And Maria’s. I think this is the worst one yet.

The Moral of the Story: If you ground your kids, they’ll sneak out and try to drunkenly skinny-dip at a party.

The Big Deal: Party at Cherie’s

Synopsis:

Liz gets called to the office on Monday morning and is told to go see the guidance counselor, Mr. Valasquez. He says a lot of her teachers have expressed concern because she’s been getting bad grades, skipping Oracle meetings and daydreaming in class. Liz doesn’t want to tell Mr. Valasquez that it’s all because she’s so depressed over Conner (a fact that makes me absolutely sick, by the way), so she tells him it’s all because of the earthquake and living at Fowler Crest and stuff. She actually feels better once she gets it all out and she doesn’t understand why Mr. Valasquez wants her to come back next week. When Liz gets home that night, her parents say Mr. Valasquez called them and they want to know why she didn’t just tell them she’s been having such a hard time. Alice gets really upset for some reason and starts yelling. She says she scheduled a meeting with Mr. Valasquez for all three of them for the next day. Alice is doing some actual parenting? I might die from the shock of it.

Megan Sandborn seems to be under the impression that her parents are going to get back together when her mom gets out of rehab. Conner tries to tell her that’s not going to happen because Gary, her father, isn’t going to want to stick around. Megan and Conner have a big fight and Conner realizes she’ll never listen to him about Gary. He thinks the only person Megan will listen to is Liz. He finds her at school and tells her what’s going on, and of course the whole time he’s talking to her he can’t think of anything but kissing her. But as soon as Liz says she’ll talk to Megan, Conner just turns around and walks away. What the hell is wrong with these people?

With Maria’s help, Ken turns in an excellent English paper and gets complimented by his teacher. To celebrate, he and Maria decide to go see a movie. When Ken takes her home, all he wants to do is kiss her, but he can’t seem to work up the nerve. They go to a street fair the next day and Ken wins Maria a teddy bear, which she promptly gives away to a five-year-old who comes up to her screaming that she wants a stuffed animal. Ken feels like an ass.

Liz is in a really great mood after Conner’s plea for help, and she decides to take Megan out after school. They go to Casey’s for ice cream, and after just a few minutes, Liz remembers she’s supposed to be meeting her parents at Mr. Valasquez’s office. She drives Megan home and then goes straight home because it’s too late to try to meet her parents at the school. When she gets home, Ned hollers at her because Alice is worried sick and driving around looking for her. Ned tells Liz she’s grounded for the next two weeks. Wow, now Ned is getting in on the parenting stuff. This is insane.

Will and Jessica are totally together now and everyone knows it, including Melissa. Cherie is having a big deal party and everyone besides Jessica is going to be there, so Melissa thinks it should be a good opportunity to steal Will back. Sadly for her, Will isn’t interested in going any place Jessica isn’t welcome. How sweet. You’re still a jackass.

Conner is all angry because he overheard Gary telling his girlfriend she could come stay at the Sandborn house while he’s there, so Conner calmly tells him he doesn’t think that’s a good idea because it would upset Megan. Gary says he won’t ask his girlfriend to move in, just as long as Conner behaves himself. Then the next night, the girlfriend – Alicia – shows up for dinner and Gary announces she’s moving in. Megan flips out and runs upstairs to her room. Conner goes to her room later that night and finds a note saying she can’t live with Gary and Alicia. Conner has no idea how long she’s been gone or where she might be. As you can probably guess, Megan is at Liz’s. She rode there on her bike and is now crying on Liz’s shoulder. Liz gets to do some shoulder-patting, so that’s pretty cool. Conner finally thinks to go to Liz’s, and when he gets there and rings the doorbell, Mrs. Wakefield acts like a bitch and says he can’t come in. Then Liz and Megan come downstairs and Alice tells Liz to meet her in the other room when her friends are gone. Conner yells at Liz for not forcing Megan to call home, and then Alice yells at her for having a friend over when she’s supposed to be grounded. She adds another week to Liz’s sentence. Liz decides she’s not cool with that, so she sneaks out to go to Cherie’s party.

Ken and Maria go out to dinner, and Maria starts to panic a little when she realizes they’re at a very romantic restaurant. Apparently, she’s an idiot and hasn’t noticed that Ken is interested in her. When he tries to feed her a bite of his pasta, she asks him if he thinks they’re on a date. He asks her what she thinks they’ve been doing all week. They don’t know how to proceed, so they just leave and go to Cherie’s party.

At the party, Ken gets roped into a conversation with Gina, and that makes Maria jealous so she dances with Aaron. That makes Ken jealous, so he dances with Cherie. Maria cuts in and says they have to talk, but they end up kissing instead. Meanwhile, Liz decides to get drunk. Tia and Andy try to take her home, but she gives them the slip when she says she has to go to the bathroom. She’s just about to take off her clothes and jump into the pool when everyone starts running away because there are police sirens coming closer. Conner is just pulling up when he sees Liz stumbling down the driveway. He can tell she’s drunk and he wants to get to her before the police do. He grabs her arm and shoves her in the car. After he drives her a little way down the street, he stops the car and apologizes for being a jerk earlier. Then he kisses her.

Quotes:

Mr. Collins glanced up from the paper, his warm brown eyes looking surprised.

What happened to Mr. Collins’ crinkly blue eyes?

The Cover: Hello, extreme close-up.

The Moral of the Story: All stepfathers are evil.

The Big Deal: Party at Aaron’s

Synopsis:

The Wakefields are packing up and moving out of Fowler Crest. Will shows up and tells Jessica he had fun at the kidnap breakfast that morning. Jessica knows he’s referring to their kiss and she’s all aflutter, but Lila’s lurking nearby so Jessica tries to get Will to leave. Unfortunately, he offers to help with the move and brother Steve (in his first appearance of the series) is happy to let him. Will insists on hanging around even after all the boxes have been unloaded, but when he tries to kiss Jessica she tells him it’s not going to happen and he needs to leave. Liz is really annoying and pesters Jessica to give Will a second chance. She says Aaron Dallas is having a party on Tuesday night (why Tuesday?) and Jessica should go and talk to Will there. I don’t get what Liz’s deal is or why she’d want her sister to date a guy who told the whole school she was a slut. Is she so miserable over Conner that she wants Jessica to be equally miserable? Whatever the case, she’s a bitch and I hate her.

Conner’s mom is in the hospital after her car accident. She’s physically fine, but she seems to have absolutely no remorse about what happened. She says that because she was drunk when she crashed, she’s going to have to go to court, and her lawyer thinks it would be best if Conner and Megan went along. Conner doesn’t want to help his mother in any way, but he knows that if she goes to jail, he and Megan would end up in Seattle with Megan’s dad. The judge doesn’t end up sending her to jail, but Mrs. Sandborn does get her license suspended for a year and she has to check herself into rehab. When Conner goes to get into the driver’s seat when they’re leaving the courthouse, Mrs. Sandborn wants to know what the hell he’s doing. She doesn’t seem to think having a suspended license is any big deal and she wants to drive her own car. Conner tells that bitch to get in the passenger seat and then make him a sammich.

Mrs. Sandborn finds out the only rehab clinic her insurance will approve is in Minnesota and she has to leave Tuesday. She insists she’s not an alcoholic and the only reason she’s going is because she has to, not because she needs help. She gets Megan’s dad, Gary, to come down and stay with the kids for the month, which pisses Conner right off. He and Gary manage to get into an argument the first night, and Conner leaves the dinner table in a huff.

Jessica goes to Aaron’s party, but she starts to panic when all her friends see Will coming toward her and leave her alone to fend for herself. Lila has told everyone about Will helping the Wakefields move, so now they’re all curious to see what’s going on between them. Will comes up to her and says she looks great. Jessica freaks out and tells Will she doesn’t want him. Then she locks herself in Aaron’s bedroom. Liz finds her later and says she invited Will over for dinner the next night. It was Alice’s idea. She wanted to thank him for helping them move. Jessica is livid about Liz inviting him. So am I. Jesus Christ, Liz. What the hell is wrong with you?

Angel tells Tia he got an interview for the RA thing, but if he’s accepted he’ll have to go early for training and stuff. So instead of going off to college in January like he’d planned, he’d be leaving this Friday. Tia is nervous about losing him, so she thinks maybe it’s time to give Angel her virginity. She tells him what she’s thinking, but he says he wants to wait. Tia assumes he isn’t attracted to her, so she gets upset and leaves. These books are just one stupid assumption after another and it makes me want to stab someone.

Will comes to dinner and charms the socks off Ned and Alice. At the end of the night, everyone leaves Will and Jessica alone in the living room, and Will tells Jessica he wants to go out on a date with her. He’s leaning in all close and sexy, so Jessica has no choice but to say yes. God, this whole thing sickens me. No guy is so good-looking that I’d forgive him for that shit. This is like the “Bruce tried to rape Liz but it’s all good” stuff from the original series.

Conner’s a little jealous that Megan is having so much fun with her dad, and when Megan says Gary is thinking about moving back to Sweet Valley because he misses her and her mom, Conner freaks out. He starts yelling at Gary and telling him to stay away, and Gary says something about when he divorced Mrs. Sandborn, she made threats. Conner wants to know what kind of threats, but Gary won’t say. Conner finds his mother’s files from the divorce and starts reading. He finds out Gary fought for custody of Megan. This doesn’t jibe with the things his mother told him, that Gary had only married her for her family’s money and didn’t care about any of them at all. Conner goes to apologize for being such an ass, but he overhears Gary talking on the phone to his girlfriend, telling her the Sandborns will be out of his hair soon enough and then they won’t bother him ever again.

Angel goes to Tia’s on Thursday night and asks her why she’s been avoiding him. She starts accusing him of wanting to sleep with college girls, and Angel gets pissed. He says he got the job and he’s leaving tomorrow. Tia spends all night crying, and when she gets up in the morning, she races over to Angel’s house. She gets there just in time to apologize and give him a big hug, and then he drives off to Stanford.

The Cover: I don’t understand why they picked this guy to be Conner. He’s entirely too preppy to be the brooding soul that is Conner McDermott. Also, I hope that offer for a free Christina Aguilera cassette is still good.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: If you don’t press charges against a rapist, he’ll blow up your school. *

The Big Deal: Big football game

Synopsis:

Devon Whitelaw is at some crappy motel when he gets a letter from his old nanny, whose name is Nan. She wants him to stay with her in Sweet Valley, California. Devon travels that way and demands to know why Nan hasn’t contacted him in all the years since she quit working for the Whitelaws. It turns out Devon’s parents returned all Nan’s letters to her for no reason I can figure. Nan clearly cares about him, so Devon decides to stay in Sweet Valley. He goes out to explore the town and notices there’s a football game at the high school. He sees a beautiful blond girl with a heart-shaped face and instantly falls in love. Sigh.

Steve posts bail for Lila and it gets him in trouble at work. The twins can’t believe Steve would give up his whole career for Lila and they think the whole sick relationship needs to end. So, while Lila’s going through all the trauma of having her house burn down and being accused of setting the fire, the twins decide to play a trick on her. Bitches. They write Lila a letter from Steve, outlining the wonderful life they’re going to have, family barbecues, tons of kids, simple pleasures the whole way. Lila gets pissed and wonders just what luxuries Steve thinks she’s going to give up.

The next time Steve goes to work, the D.A. fires him. He starts clearing out his desk and finds a picture of Billie. It makes him all teary-eyed. Then he goes to the evidence room to take one last look at the Fowler case. He finds a fragment of the bomb from the restaurant. There’s a piece of a soda can, ProSport lemon, which is the kind of soda John Pfeifer had on his desk at the Oracle office.

Lila and Steve haven’t broken up yet, so Liz decides to write another letter. When Steve reads it, he can’t believe Lila cares so much about having dinner parties and introducing him to the right people. Blah, blah, blah. Who cares? Lila and Steve spend a few days apart, but the twins aren’t satisfied because what if they decide they miss each other? They decide the best thing to do is get them together while they’re still upset about the letters. There’s a big football game coming up and they figure that will be the perfect time.

At the game, Jessica tells Lila that Steve wants to see her, and Liz tells Steve that Lila wants to see him. They meet inside the school and break up amicably, but then Lila mentions Steve’s letter. Confusion follows and they realize the twins set them up. They think it would be funny to go back to the game all lovey-dovey and trick the twins, but on their way there, they see John Pfeifer hiding in some bushes.

John runs away, and Lila and Steve follow him around to the front of the gym. John has gone completely off the deep end. He gives an Evil Villain speech and talks about how he burned down Fowler Crest because he hates Lila for turning him into an outcast. Then he lights the fuse and the gym explodes. Somehow, Lila and Steve are okay, but John dies.

Whoa.

The next morning, Steve’s making breakfast when the D.A. shows up at the front door and offers to give Steve his job back. The twins start jumping up and down and Jessica kisses the D.A. on the cheek, which kind of cracks me up. Then Lila, who spent the night because her parents are STILL out of town, comes downstairs and asks what the commotion is all about. Steve winks at her and tells her the good news, and then he and Lila tell the twins they’re engaged. They get a good laugh out of the looks on the twins’ faces. Steve drives Lila home, and her parents FINALLY show up and tell her how sorry they are and that they’ll never again go someplace where Lila can’t get in touch with them. So I guess that’s resolved.

Quotes:

When Lila had officially been booked, a female officer with frizzy red hair guided her toward the holding cell.

Just so you know, all the cops are ugly. That’s how we know we’re supposed to hate them.

He couldn’t imagine actually fitting in – a cold climate East Coaster in this mellow, warm place.

Oh, don’t worry about that, Devon. Almost all our new students are from the east coast!

The Cover: Is that how the preppy people dressed in January of 1998? I wouldn’t know, I was too busy wearing my crappy Nirvana shirts and holey jeans ‘cause I was just that awesome.

*I’m kidding. But seriously, please press charges if you ever find yourself in this kind of situation.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: If you have a sad enough story, you’re allowed to be a criminal and escape punishment.

The Big Deal: We’re still in France.

Synopsis:

The royal children come down to the dungeon, tie up the guard and unlock the door so the twins can escape. Jessica thinks they should stick around because running away will make them look guilty, but Liz says that without Jacques, they have no proof of their innocence. They take off for town in search of Jacques, but they turn around when Liz realizes she just has to see Laurent one more time. The children meet them outside the castle and one of them goes to get Laurent. He and Liz have a passionate embrace or two and then the horrible countess comes outside and starts yelling at the twins. Jessica tears Liz out of Laurent’s arms and they go running into the woods. After a while, Liz twists her ankle. Jessica builds a shelter out of tree branches and the twins go to sleep.

Later that night, Jacques gets the feeling that Jessica is in trouble. He really loves her, so he steals a horse and goes riding around trying to find her. He runs into Laurent, who is also out searching for the twins. Jacques offers to help, but he doesn’t want Laurent around if he finds the twins, so he sends him back to the castle, saying he’ll contact him in three hours. Laurent talks to his parents, who tell him they can get the countess not to prosecute the twins if Laurent promises to marry Antonia. Laurent agrees. Jacques finds the twins looking for him in town. They yell and scream at him at first, but then he tells him his whole sad story about how his mother died. Jessica cries and gives him a big hug and even Liz feels bad for him. They ask if he has the diamond necklace and he says he has to go get it from his father and he’ll be right back. He comes back with a note from his father that says he took the necklace. Jacques decides to sacrifice himself for Jessica, so he goes back to the castle with them. They get there just as Laurent is announcing his betrothal to Antonia. Jacques goes to the podium and tells everyone he’s the one who really stole the countess’s jewels. The guards take him away and throw him in the dungeon. Jessica tries to break him out, but fails epically.

Laurent decides he absolutely will not marry Antonia. The countess is pissed. She goes to Liz and tells her there will be an “international incident” if Laurent and Antonia don’t hook up, and that will only happen if Liz gets out of Dodge. Liz freaks out, and without even sparing a thought for Jessica, she packs her bags and takes off for the train station. One of the kids, Pierre, overhears all of this and he goes to tell Laurent. Laurent gets on his trusty steed and gallops away. He gets to the train just as it starts moving, so he’s able to be all dashing and jump onto the train and order the driver to stop. He sweeps Liz off her feet and asks her to marry him. She’s a little overwhelmed at this point and can only stutter, so he tells her to give him an answer later. For now, he’ll just go ahead and take her back to the castle.

That night, Laurent wakes up to find a stranger in his room. The man introduces himself as Jacques’ father. He tells Laurent the same sad story Jacques told the twins: his seamstress wife died because her rich customers wouldn’t help pay for her medicines, so he’s been stealing from rich people ever since. Laurent is just as touched by this story as the twins were, and he gives Louis some money and tells him how to break Jacques out of the dungeon. Seriously? I mean, yeah, that’s a sad story, but dude. The guy’s an international jewel thief.

So, in the end, Jacques and his father go free, Liz tells Laurent she can’t marry him, and then she goes home and makes out with Todd. Dammit, I hoped they were really broken up this time.

Quotes:

“Come on,” Elizabeth grumbled. “Let’s find Jacques and get this thing straightened out so I can take a bath and change clothes. I feel totally grungy.”

You’ve escaped from a dungeon and you’re now hiding in the woods. Is your hygiene really the most important issue here?

“You must swear on your sister’s life, Jessica,” he insisted.

He’s so sexy when he’s intense like this, Jessica thought, her heart thumping.

Yeah, my sister’s mortality always whips me into a frenzy.

The Cover: Whenever I look at this cover, all I can think of is These Happy Golden Years by Laura Ingalls Wilder.

The Moral of the Story: If you send criminals to jail, they’ll come back to kill your family.

The Big Deal: Summer vacation

Synopsis:

So, this book has a prologue, which is weird. A man named John Marin sits in a prison cell staring at the newspaper clippings he’s gathered over the last few months. Each one contains something about the Wakefield twins. They sure are in the paper a lot. Anyway…

It’s the first day of summer vacation again, and this time the twins are for once NOT going to work at a newspaper. They’ve taken jobs as waitresses at the Marina Café. Alice will be spending the summer working on a new job at a mansion that’s being remodeled, Steve will be working at Ned’s law firm and Ned will be fretting about the twins because John Marin just got out of jail. Marin, who is now twenty-eight but still looks like he’s twenty, killed a mother and daughter ten years ago and Ned was the attorney that put him away. Marin didn’t like that much and threatened Ned’s family and now here we are.

The twins’ boss, Mr. Jenkins, can’t get tell them apart. Rather, he obviously can since he’s pretty consistent in calling Liz Jess and Jess Liz. Whatever, I don’t even care. Liz is awed by another waitress, Jane, who’s on her fourth summer at the Marina Café. Jane tells Liz she just graduated from college and Liz just can’t believe it because Jane doesn’t look twenty-two. Jane laughs and confirms that she’s really twenty-six. Oh, shut up. Jessica flirts with a customer named Scott Maderlake who looks about twenty and has blue eyes. He says he’s an intern scouting out locations for his boss’s next film, which will take place at a high school. Of course, Jessica offers to show him Sweet Valley High. He’s like Jessica’s dream man. When Ned gets home from work that night, he finds that John Marin has broken into the house and left him a threatening note.

This book sucks already.

Liz is tired of her boring life (again) and wants to do something adventurous (again). After she and Todd see some movie for the fourth time, they go to the Dairi Burger, where Liz looks across the room and sees her soulmate, some guy who looks about twenty with blue eyes. She doesn’t speak to him or anything, but she knows he was meant for her. He shows up at the café the next day, sailing up on his boat, The Emily Dickinson. Both twins notice a creepy old man watching them all day, and Liz actually runs into him in the storage room. She runs out and straight into the arms of soulmate guy. His name is actually Ben Morgan and he seems like Liz’s dream man. Neither twin wants to tell the other about her new boyfriend.

After showing Scott the high school and then having dinner with him, Jessica goes home and discovers her lavaliere is missing. Ned later finds the lavaliere, along with a note that says “Such a lovely young neck,” in an envelope with his name on it. He calls the private investigator he’s had watching the twins. His name is Jim Battaglia and he tells Ned that Jessica has been seeing a guy, but he doesn’t look anything like the mug shot Jim received (Marin intercepted the real mug shot and replaced it with someone else’s). Jim offers to investigate the boyfriend, but Ned says not to bother since he’s “no different from the other hundred or so that she’s been out with in the last year.”

The days go by and nothing much happens. Jessica secretly goes out with Scott, Liz secretly goes out with Ben, Marin sends Ned threatening notes, Ned freaks out. The twins are being followed and watched by at least two men, one having been hired by Marin and one by Ned’s P.I. We’re not supposed to know which is which. Then one day Jim calls and tells Ned that Marin’s been taken into custody. He had a lavaliere on him. Yeah, right. You know it’s the wrong guy.

The twins are locking up the café the next night. Jessica sees a man with a knife in the storage room. She screams and the guy runs away. They call the police and then go down to the station. The cops have them pick the guy out of a lineup, but the guy they pick is “Marin,” who’s been in jail since the night before. The cops finally figure out the guy they have isn’t Marin, but some guy named Pilchard. Marin hired him to watch the twins and gave him Jessica’s necklace as part of his payment. Ned, intending to demand how the mugshot got mixed up, drives to Jim’s house and finds the P.I. dead. There’s a note from Marin next to the body.

On the way home from the police station, Liz tells Jessica about Ben and asks her to cover for her while she goes sailing with him. Later that night, Jessica is confronted by Ned and a couple cops. They tell her about Marin and show her Marin’s picture and she’s all, “Don’t be silly, that’s my new boyfriend!” It finally sinks in that her new boyfriend is a murderer, but she still insists that Liz’s secret boyfriend is someone different altogether. Jane the waitress is the only one who’s seen Ben, so they find her at the Beach Disco and she confirms that the guy in the mugshot is Ben.

Liz and Marin are about to make out on “Ben’s” boat when a Coast Guard boat carrying Ned, Jessica and some cops shows up. Marin threatens Liz with a knife and there’s a struggle. Liz gets away from him and somehow falls overboard. Jessica seems to be the only one who notices, so she jumps off the Coast Guard boat to rescue her. In the end, Marin manages to escape in a dinghy and later the cops find evidence that he’s been eaten by sharks. But of course he wasn’t. He’s hiding in the Wakefields’ basement. After the twins go to sleep, Marin goes to their room to kill them, but Ned comes along and knocks him out the window. The cop outside says Marin is going back to jail. Yeah, right. If he was, I wouldn’t have a whole second book to read in this miniseries.

Quotes:

Elizabeth tried to listen, but she found herself focusing on Todd’s neat, conservative haircut, his wholesome good looks, and his mall-store rugby shirt. He was so ordinary…For the first time, Elizabeth realized just how unsophisticated her boyfriend really was.

Ugh, you are such a snob.

Jessica: The money isn’t what’s important!

Lila: Bite your tongue!

Your daily dose of Lila.

The Cover: Awesome floppy nineties hair, John! Love it. The best part of this cover is the clippings on the wall. Most of them are whatever, but you can clearly see the covers of Jessica Quits the Squad and Murder in Paradise. Up at the top you can see Marin in his twin-tailored personalities – the poet sailor with Liz and the movie guy with Jessica.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: I … I got nothing.

Synopsis:

The twins aren’t speaking to each other because Jessica thinks it’s Liz’s fault that everyone thinks her boyfriend is a murdering werewolf. They’re both out to find the truth, but neither wants the other to know what she’s doing. Jessica sneaks into the house of Dr. Neville, the first murder victim. She finds a file labeled “S., Annabelle.” The only thing in the file is a report that Annabelle died from pneumonia nine years ago. Jessica thinks it’s weird that there’s nothing else in the file and she puts it in her bag. She hears someone else in the house and crawls out the window just before Liz comes in. Liz decides to take the file on Robert Pembroke, then goes through the doctor’s Rolodex. She comes across a business card for Mildred Price, Robert’s childhood nanny, and is certain Robert is hiding out at her house. She starts to write down Mildred’s information, but then a noise scares her. She just takes the card and leaves just before the murderer comes in. The unnamed werewolf searches through Dr. Neville’s filing cabinet, goes into a rage about one of the twins having stolen something, and then sees Mildred Price’s name written down next to the Rolodex. He thinks, “Nanny Millie,” and leaves.

Liz goes back to the boardinghouse that night and gets all homesick for Sweet Valley. Then she thinks how lucky she is to have found Luke. She thinks about calling him and then realizes he never gave her his number. Liz looks at the necklace Luke gave her. There’s an “A” engraved on the back of the medallion and Liz wonders if “A” was Luke’s mother, who got him interested in werewolves. Pat, I think I’d like to solve the puzzle. Liz is convinced the medallion has kept her out of danger, but she thinks her twin needs it more than she does so she puts it in Jessica’s bag. Besides, she still has the silver bullet Luke gave her.

The next morning, Jessica wakes up late for work and rushes out the door. Halfway to the tube station, she realizes she’s forgotten her bag. She goes back for it, and when she gets to her room, it’s clear someone has been there. The door is open and Jessica’s bed is made. Jessica has no doubt that Robert has been there. I don’t know why.

When Liz gets to work, Luke asks her where her necklace is. Liz explains that she gave it to Jessica, and then asks about the inscription on the pendant. Luke says the necklace did indeed belong to his mother, Ann. Then Tony Frank, who was just promoted to the crime desk, says there’s been another murder. The victim is Mildred Price. Of course. Liz and Tony leave to investigate.

Then there’s another scene of the murderer tearing the twins’ room apart. He finds the file labeled “Robert Pembroke, Jr.” and the one labeled “S., Annabelle.” That’s great, but he knows one of the twins has a silver bullet. Unfortunately, no amount of vandalism will make it appear. The murderer leaves, figuring the twins have the bullet.

When the twins get home from work that night, they each say they’re missing a file and Liz says her silver bullet is missing. Later, Jessica is looking at the medallion she found in her bag and notices the engraving. She puts the initial together with the file she found and asks Liz where Luke got the medallion. Liz says he got it from his mother, Ann. Jessica thinks, “Ann, not Annabelle. So much for that brilliant idea.” Sigh.

The next morning, the twins find out Lord Pembroke Senior himself has been attacked. Jessica goes to see him at the hospital, and the man is all kinds of doped up. He sees Jessica’s necklace and says it looks like the one he gave Annabelle, the only woman he ever really loved. Then he says he wants Jessica to tell Robert he has a brother.

Liz decides it’s a good time to go snoop around Pembroke Manor some more while the Pembrokes are in the city. Tony Frank goes with her, and she shows him the secret werewolf room. They find a box full of letters from Annabelle. The letters tell them that Lord Pembroke and Annabelle were in love, but couldn’t marry because of their different classes. Annabelle had a baby at some point. Liz and Tony figure he could be anywhere from nine to nineteen years old. They wonder if Robert’s killing spree could somehow be a result of learning he has an illegitimate brother. When Liz tells Luke about Annabelle, he gets all intense and weird and tells her not to go where the werewolf can find her.

That night, the twins have another argument because Liz is a bitch and Jessica is a drama queen. Later, Liz is feeling sad and wants to talk to someone. She goes to Rene’s room and knocks on the door, but he doesn’t answer. She tries to open the door, but it’s locked. For some reason, this sends Liz into a rage and she’s all pissed off at Rene for never being there for her. (I think this is all part of a ploy to make us think Rene is the murderer. There have been a couple scenes in which he’s “acted strangely.” Anyway, Liz is a bitch.)

Jessica goes to Pembroke Green, the family’s city residence, and makes Lady Pembroke talk to her by saying she knows about Annabelle. So Lady Pembroke starts talking and says she hated her husband for having an affair, but also for sending money and resources, including Nanny Millie, to his bastard child. Jessica starts to think the other son must be the murderer. Then Lady Pembroke says, “Lucas is an evil name,” citing that as proof that the boy is no good. Jessica jumps to her feet, shouting that Luke is the killer. I’m surprised she didn’t think, “Oh, she said Lucas, not Luke.” Anyway, she runs out of the house to a telephone box (why didn’t she use the Pembrokes’ phone?) and calls the dorm and the Journal. Liz isn’t in either place. She calls Tony Frank and finds out Liz took Luke with her to check out Annabelle’s old house. He tells Jessica the street name, and Jessica hails a taxi.

Annabelle’s house is in the ghetto, as evidenced by the homeless man outside. There’s no power, so Luke goes to the basement to try to find a fuse box. While he’s doing that, Liz goes upstairs. She finds a bedroom and seems surprised to find someone lives in it. There are newspaper clippings all over the walls, and Liz is kind of horrified to discover they all have something to do with the Pembroke family. Then she opens a diary and reads a passage about the writer waking up on his father’s estate with ripped clothes and blood all over him. Then Liz looks up to see the werewolf in the doorway. She gets scared, but then realizes the wolfman is wearing Luke’s clothes. Liz laughs and tells Luke to take off that horrible mask. He tells her it’s not a mask and Liz gets scared again because her boyfriend is clearly a psychopath.

Luke does an evil villain speech about how he and his mother were denied awesome Pembroke-ish things, and explains that when Annabelle died, Luke vowed to get back at everyone. When he’s done talking, he lunges for Liz, but just then the homeless guy from outside comes in and points a gun at Luke. Liz is relieved to see the homeless guy is really Robert in disguise. Robert says he has the silver bullet. Then Rene and Sergeant Bumpo come in. There’s a scuffle, and Luke gets shot. His mask slips off and he tells Liz they got the werewolf. Then he dies.

In conclusion:

• Luke was a psychotic wannabe werewolf who actually had no idea he was murdering people and framing his brother during his blackouts.
• Robert disguised himself as a homeless man so he could watch over Jessica.
• Rene has been following Liz around to keep an eye on her, which explains his strange behavior.
• Lord Pembroke recovers and turns ownership of the newspaper over to Robert.
• Lucy Friday and Tony Frank get married.

Quotes:

Jessica had a feeling this fight wasn’t going to blow over. It was the worst one ever.

Even worse than that time you got Liz drunk and she killed your boyfriend? Must be pretty bad.

The Cover: Stop wearing those stupid fucking trenchcoats!

And now, fair readers, I need a break. I think I’ll take next week off, at least some of it. I need to get my head on straight again after the ridiculousness of these last few books.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: You should just stay in bed when Mercury is in retrograde.

The Big Deal: Winston and Maria throw a barbecue beach party. It’s a total snooze.

Synopsis:

Jessica and her friends are all about the zodiac right now, and Mercury rules Gemini and is in retrograde, which basically means that anything Jessica tries to do is going to go wrong. (Yes, the twins are Geminis. What else would they be?) This is bad news because she’s supposed to be trying to get Bruce’s parents back together. She asks Bruce what his parents’ zodiac signs are and decides to write a love letter to Marie from Hank. Disaster strikes when she goes to mail the letter: for plot convenience, Jessica decides to mail the letter from the corner mailbox instead of the Wakefields’ very own mailbox. As soon as she drops the letter in the box, she realizes she forgot to stamp it. She reaches in to try to get it out, but her bracelets get stuck and she can’t get her arm out. Just then, two cars pull up. One is driven by a hot new senior named Michael Hampton. The other is a police cruiser. The officer tells her he’s taking her to the station for tampering with the mailbox, but she says she’s stuck. Michael gets out of his car, assesses the situation and manages to get Jessica unstuck. Jessica, embarrassed, tells him she’s Liz. Ned has to pick her up from the police station.

Liz gets home from a date with Todd later that night and the family has a meeting. For throwing a party while their parents were out of town the previous week, both twins are grounded. For living with her boyfriend, Liz has to do all the chores while she’s grounded. The twins go upstairs to try to come up with a new plan for Bruce’s parents since the letter plan didn’t work. I guess it’s too much trouble to just write a new letter. Jessica, Liz and Bruce plan to meet at lunch the next day, but Jessica doesn’t show up. As they pass Jessica’s locker on their way to their next classes, they hear someone shouting for help. Jessica has locked herself in her locker. They get her out, and then Jessica notices Michael watching her. Totally embarrassed again, she turns to Liz and loudly calls her Jessica before running off to class.

Bruce and the twins meet at the Dairi Burger after school and Jessica devises a new plan while spilling her milkshake everywhere. The Patmans are meeting with their lawyers the next morning, so Jessica comes up with a way to get them together without the lawyers present. Bruce and Liz leave, and Jessica sees Michael sitting alone at another table. She sits across from him and starts babbling on about sports and cheerleading, then she orders an espresso and talks with a British accent. Michael leaves. Jessica is confused. On his way home, Michael thinks about “Liz” and how cute and clumsy she is. Michael is from the east coast, so that means he doesn’t play any sports and is used to a more conservative environment. Girls like Jessica make him nervous.

Bruce picks up the twins at five o’clock the next morning and they go to the Traceys’ house. Martin and Jan Tracey are the Patmans’ lawyers, and to get them out of the way, Jessica and Liz put Krazy Glue on their ignition locks. Both cars are unlocked, of course. As a disguise, Jessica is wearing one of her mother’s scarves and one of Bruce’s jackets. The next step is to go to the Traceys’ office during study hall and put the Patmans’ wedding album out where they can see it. Jessica gets stuck in the elevator. The Patmans start to bond in the waiting room and Hank says he was never having an affair with Alice. Marie believes him and agrees to go out to brunch. She asks him if he still has the scarf that goes with the jacket he’s wearing. Having mixed up his coat with Bruce’s that morning, Hank reaches into his pocket and pulls out a scarf that says “Alice” all over it. Marie freaks out and runs away.

Liz gets flowers from Michael, and the card attached mentions her clumsiness. Liz understands everything at once. Instead of just telling Michael what Jessica’s been doing, she goes to Michael posing as an extra aloof version of herself. Michael gives her a ride home and she acts totally calm and together. At home, Liz runs inside and then runs out a few minutes later dressed as Jessica. She pretends to trip on her way to the Jeep. Then she sees Michael, so she turns to the house and loudly yells, “Bye, Jessica!” Michael, thinking he’s caught her in the act, figures out that Jessica has just been posing as Liz to hide her embarrassment.

Jessica’s next plan for the Patmans is to fill Marie’s new house with flowers. She picks goldenrods because Bruce says gold is her favorite color. Turns out Marie is allergic to goldenrods. She ends up in the hospital. While she’s there, Jessica puts her next plan into motion. She gets a mini cassette recorder and tells Liz to record Alice talking about the reasons she broke it off with Hank back in the day. Liz does it and lets Jessica deliver the tape. Unfortunately, Jessica accidentally delivers the test tape she and Lila made on which it becomes clear Jessica is the one who has been interfering with the Patmans’ lives.

The last plan before Hank and Marie sign the divorce papers is a trip down memory lane. Bruce and the twins find a bunch of slides from the Patmans’ honeymoon and love letters and junk, and they set everything up in the “screening room.” Bruce has arranged for Hank and Marie to meet him and the twins at seven o’clock the next night.

Everything is a disaster, of course. Jessica is taking a bath and gets her toe stuck in the faucet. Liz comes running in when she screams for help. She gets Jessica’s toe out, but the doors have gotten stuck, so now they’re stuck in the bathroom. Meanwhile, Bruce is on his way home with a rented slide projector when he gets a flat tire. His spare is also flat, so he’s waiting on the motor club when his mother arrives at the Patman mansion. When Bruce and the twins finally get there, they find Hank and Marie kissing on the loveseat.

Michael finally ends up asking Jessica out, but they have a horrible time because Michael is an even bigger klutz than she is. Bruce gets back together with Pamela.

Quotes:

“Your mother’s right,” agreed Mr. Wakefield. “As a family, we’ve never believed in meddling in other people’s private affairs, and I don’t think this is the time to start.”

What family does Ned think he’s part of?

Elizabeth had saved up for a laptop computer and had given Jessica her old word processor.

Could a sixteen-year-old really save up and buy herself a new laptop in March of 1994, especially if she had no job and only an allowance?

The Cover: The twins are hard to tell apart here because neither one is wearing a watch or barrettes, but I’m going to guess Liz is the one comforting Bruce by patting him on the shoulder. Jessica looks bored, and I swear Bruce looks just like that guy from That Thing You Do.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: You might think you love someone else, but you’re really supposed to stay with your first love forever and ever and ever.

The Big Deal: Pool party at the Wakefields’ house

Synopsis:

At breakfast one morning, Alice announces she and Hank Patman are going to Chicago again for a week. Liz drags Jessica upstairs and tells her Alice and Hank used to be married and are now having an affair. Jessica wants to just go show the wedding photo to Alice and ask her about it, but Liz doesn’t want her to for some reason.

Todd’s parents are still in Yosemite for another week, Ned is leaving town to go to a seminar or something, and now Alice is going to Chicago. With all four parents out of town, Todd thinks he should move in with Liz. Liz asks Jessica if it’s okay with her, and Jessica says sure, if they do all her chores and make her dinner every night.

As soon as Liz and Todd get “home” after school on Monday, Liz gets a call from Bruce and tells Todd she has to borrow his car and rush right over to the Patmans’ house. When Jessica gets home, she decides it’ll be fun to freak Todd out. She tells him the whole story about Hank and Alice and makes Todd worry that Liz and Bruce are “comforting each other.” In fact, Liz and Bruce are in the Patmans’ attic looking for more old stuff. They find a love letter from Alice to Hank, and then they find Alice’s wedding and engagement rings. After two hours, Liz suddenly remembers that Todd exists and she hurries home to make it up to him.

The next night, Todd wants to have a romantic evening with Liz, but she reminds him they have to do laundry because it’s Jessica’s turn. And I guess the laundry has to be done on Tuesdays or else. Todd thinks it’ll be fun to go to the new “videomat” where they can watch a movie while they do the laundry. Liz overdoses on espressos and acts like she’s drunk, and Todd puts too much detergent in the washer and makes a huge bubbly mess.

The next morning, Bruce shows up at the Wakefields’ house before school. Liz kisses Todd on the cheek and says Bruce is going to give her a ride because he has to talk about something really important. Bruce tells Liz his mother is moving out and he’s really upset about it. Bruce also gives Liz a ride home that afternoon and they go up to the Wakefields’ attic to try to find more stuff. They find a school paper from when Hank and Alice were in college, and there’s an article that details Hank’s heroic food drop. Liz and Bruce simultaneously come to the conclusion that they need to take a trip to the college to find out more about what Alice and Hank were like back then, and maybe they’ll be able to “understand what’s motivating them now.”

Liz has been sort of avoiding Todd because having him at the house is a little too much. Todd wants to fix things, so he goes shopping and comes home with groceries to make a romantic dinner. When he gets to the house, Liz and Bruce are sitting around eating cookies in their swimsuits. Liz says she invited Bruce to stay for dinner, and they go outside while Todd starts cooking. Later, Liz and Todd have a fight and Liz explains she just feels sorry for Bruce. They join Bruce and Jessica in the living room. Bruce sees a note next to the phone and says, “Room four forty-four, that’s my dad’s room.” The twins are all, “No, that’s our mom’s room….Wait a minute!” Jessica thinks it’s just a mistake and wants to call the hotel to make sure, but Liz won’t let her. Why? Oh, I just hate her.

Bruce and Liz sneak off the next day to visit the university. They don’t really find anything useful, but they do make googly eyes at each other and have the exact same thoughts: “If my mother/father could fall in love with Hank/Alice, then it’s not crazy for me to fall in love with Bruce/Liz.” On their way back to Sweet Valley, they see a car broken down on the side of the road. It just so happens to be Todd. They stop to pick him up, and Liz gets all indignant when Todd seems upset that she’s with Bruce. Everyone goes to the Beach Disco that night, and Liz dances with Bruce the whole time. The next day, Bruce and Liz both feel bad and decide to focus more on their relationships with Todd and Pamela.

On Saturday, Todd and the twins are preparing for a totally awesome pool party they’ve decided to throw that night. Then Bruce calls and Liz invites him to go shopping with them. Todd has had enough and blows up at Liz, and she gets all mean and tells him he can just stay home if he doesn’t want to go shopping with Bruce. So he does. I don’t know why he just doesn’t go back to his own house.

At the party, Pamela notices the way Bruce looks at Liz, and she asks him if he has feelings for her. Bruce admits that he does, and Pamela runs off. Bruce goes inside and finds Liz in the kitchen. They start talking about their parents and how much everything sucks, and then suddenly they’re making out. They don’t stop until they notice Todd in the doorway. Bruce goes outside and Todd is pissed. Liz makes it all about her, though, and gets angry when Todd won’t give her the benefit of the doubt. Ugh.

Todd leaves to go driving around to let off steam. He comes to the conclusion that the problems with Liz are partly his fault and he shouldn’t have overreacted when he caught Liz and Bruce together. What?! Your girlfriend was making out with another guy! Todd decides to go back to the party and “really listen” when he talks to Liz.

Pamela comes up to Liz outside and tells her that she and Bruce just broke up, so Liz is free to be with him. Liz thinks about her feelings and decides that since Bruce kissed her and she willingly kissed him back, she must be falling in love with him. Jeez, these kids have a funny definition of love. Liz is upset and confused and she decides to get in the pool. She bounces way too high on the diving board. I guess she hits her head on the bottom or something because she doesn’t resurface. Jessica screams for someone to help her, and Todd just so happens to be coming back from his drive. He jumps in the pool and saves Liz.

Todd takes Liz up to her room, and suddenly Alice comes home. She’s pissed about the party, but also about Todd’s duffel bag in the hallway and his shaving kit in the bathroom. She tells Liz she’s disappointed in her, and Liz accuses Alice of sneaking around with Hank Patman. Instead of being totally pissed off, Alice tells Todd to go find Bruce, and then she has a little story time. She tells the kids about her engagement to Hank and how she left him at the altar. She also explains that room four forty-four is a two bedroom suite at the hotel and she is absolutely not having an affair with Hank Patman. So now everyone’s happy except for Bruce, whose parents are still splitting up. Jessica decides to try to get them back together.

Quotes:

Lila snorted. “They are just so out of it. Don’t they know playing house is totally uncool?”

Oh, how I love Lila.

“We’ll call the hotel and ask. It’s as simple as that.”

Elizabeth grabbed the receiver from Jessica’s hand and slammed it down. “We can’t do that,” she whispered. “We just can’t.”

Jessica doesn’t argue and they just allow themselves to get worked up when they could just call the damned hotel.

The Cover: Todd, you need to find some pants and stop shaving your legs. Also, your breakfast is burning.

The moral of the story: Be wary of anyone who worships Jessica Wakefield. He or she is clearly not right in the head.

The Big Deal: Party at the lake, party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Famous theater director David Goodman has chosen Sweet Valley High for his annual student theater production of Macbeth. Jessica is going out for the part of Lady Macbeth and is sure she’ll get it. She makes it through the first two cuts, and Steven asks her if she’s sure she wants to be in the play. Apparently, there’s some curse associated with Macbeth, people dying before the play can be performed, that kind of thing. Jessica thinks he’s teasing. Meanwhile, there’s this weird sophomore girl named Paula Perrine who has been following Jessica around and it’s getting creepy. Jessica finally confronts her and says she’s seen Paula watching her. Paula gets all crazed and falls all over herself to tell Jessica how awesome and popular she is. When Jessica says, “You’re Paula Perrine, right?” Paula just about faints because Jessica Wakefield knows her name. Wow.

Jessica starts being nice to Paula now that she knows she adores her. Paula helps Jessica with her lines and prepares her for the final audition, and in the meantime, starts sitting with Jessica, Amy, Lila and their friends at lunch. Jessica’s hard work pays off and she gets the part of Lady Macbeth. Lila is cast as one of the witches. Ha.

One night, while Paula is at the house, Jessica leaves her alone in the living room when Sam calls. Liz can’t believe how rude Jessica is being, so she takes some soda and cookies and goes to talk to Paula. Paula can’t believe how nice Liz is, but then says that of course she’s nice, she’s Jessica’s sister. Then she asks Liz what Jessica is like and what it’s like to be her friend. Paula reminds me an awful lot of Dobby the house elf. Liz asks Paula about her family and finds out Paula’s mother died last year and her older brother ran away a couple months ago to get away from their abusive, alcoholic father. Paula is in Sweet Valley living with friends of her mother’s. Later that night, Liz tells Jessica what Paula told her. Jessica decides to be even nicer to Paula. She gives her a fakeover and talks her into auditioning for one of the smaller roles in the play.

Paula starts hanging around all the time. She gives Annie a present (a headband) and gets Lila to give her some tennis lessons. She does a lot of things that make me think that the whole story about her family was a lie. Paula starts doing little things to turn Jessica’s friends against her. She purposely does things to make Jessica angry, and then Jessica yells at her in front of everyone. The whole gang knows about Paula’s troubled past and they can’t believe Jessica would be so mean to someone who’s been through so much.

Jessica starts to get wise to Paula, and she knows for sure that something is wrong when Paula doesn’t tell her that Lady Macbeth’s understudy got mono and Paula has taken her place. Then she finds out Lila, Amy and Paula organized a party at the lake and didn’t invite her. Jessica is really tense around Paula and a little scared of her, but everyone thinks she’s just being a bitch.

Finally, it’s opening night of the play. Just two hours before she’s supposed to be at the school, Jessica gets a call from Paula, who says she’s an hour away in Cold Springs. She gives some sob story about how she thought her father was in the hospital, but he really just wanted money and stole Paula’s bus fare home. As much as she dislikes Paula, Jessica doesn’t want her to be stranded in Cold Springs. She drives up there and tries to follow the directions Paula gave her, but they don’t make any sense. She finally finds a map and discovers that none of the streets Paula gave her even exist. She calls the school to tell Mr. Goodman she’s on her way, but he says they can’t wait and Paula is already there in costume.

Jessica gets to the school and slips into a seat beside Liz, Sam and Todd. When Liz got home earlier and discovered that Jessica wasn’t there, she called Paula’s house and found out that not only is Paula’s mother alive and well, but her father has been dead for ten years. When Liz called, Paula and her brother were at the mall. Liz tells Jessica all this on the way to Lila’s cast party after the performance.

At Lila’s, Jessica confronts Paula in a most melodramatic and ridiculous way, with Liz and the boyfriends being the only ones behind her at first, but most everyone else moving to stand next to her by the end of her speech. The whole thing ends with Liz starting a slow clap.

The next morning, the twins have their friends over and everyone is hanging out by the pool. Then Paula shows up and doesn’t notice that everyone is giving her the evil eye. She finally catches on, says a few bitchy words and then turns around to leave, but Prince Albert the dog trips her and she falls into the pool. She refuses Jessica’s helping hand and pulls herself up and walks away in a huff.

There’s a hilarious side story about Lila playing the witch.

Quotes:

“Stop playing big sister with me,” said Jessica. “Remember, you’re four minutes older, not four years!”

Ooh, a twist on the usual page 2 spiel.

“Oh, wow! I don’t believe Jessica Wakefield actually knows my name!” cried Paula. Then she stopped, blushing. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. It’s just that you and your friends are so beautiful and so popular, I never dreamed you would notice someone like me.”

That’s just fucking creepy.

“Sleep shall neither night nor day hang upon his penthouse lid,” [Lila] said, throwing out her arms dramatically. In the process, Jessica noticed, she carefully positioned her hands directly in front of Annie and Rosa’s faces.

This actually made me giggle. Lila is awesome.

The Cover: Remember when we all wore our button down shirts knotted like Jessica’s? And our jeans all up around our waists? ‘Cause the early nineties were so awesome. Paula looks like a bitch.