The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Party at Julie’s, big baseball game

Classmate with a Problem: Billie Layton, crappy life in general

Synopsis:

Billie Layton is pissed. Her mom is having a baby – right in the middle of Little League season! Billie would love to talk to her best friend, Jim Sturbridge, about how neglected she feels, but he’s always hanging around that damned Sally Holcomb, the biggest flirt in school. When Billie gets her first period, she assumes her life is over.

Billie’s mom is the school librarian and Billie goes to the library to share her womanly news. Mrs. Layton is too busy helping other kids find books (you know, doing her job) and Billie gets mad. So Billie is already feeling pretty down about things when her parents tell her they’ve decided to name the new baby William. That’s right, they’d like Billie to start going by her real name, Belinda, so they can call the new baby Billy without feeling weird about both their kids having the same name. On top of all that, Billie has found out Jim and Sally are now dating.

To recap Billie’s week:

• Got her first period
• Lost her name
• Guy she liked hooked up with someone else

Meanwhile, the Unicorns have finally figured out that people think they’re snobs (nobody ever accused them of being smart). They simply must fix this image problem so they can win some service award and a trip to wherever they want to go within fifty miles.

There’s a big baseball game on Saturday, but Billie is so distracted by her terrible life that she plays like crap and the coach ends up taking her out. Whatevs, Billie’s dad couldn’t be bothered to show up anyway, so who cares, right? There’s a big party at Julie Porter’s house after the game and the twins take it upon themselves to get Billie ready. You know what that means, don’t you? Fakeover! I love a good fakeover. So Billie goes to the party and all the boys ask her to dance because she’s suddenly so beautiful. Jessica does her best to get Jim to talk to Billie because she figures it’ll be some kind of good deed if she gets them together, but Mr. Layton shows up to take Billie to the hospital because her mom is in labor.

Once the baby arrives, Billie decides everything else is unimportant. She gladly gives her up her name and insists on being called Belinda. There’s another baseball game and her dad comes to this one, which is great because Billie Belinda wins it for the team. Afterward, Jim says he was totally going to ask Billie Belinda to dance at the party. And then Billie Belinda is asked to join the Unicorns because having an athlete in the club will surely make everyone forget how snobby they are.

Setup for the next book: Patrick Morris has strict parents.

Quotes:

“It’s wrong to meddle or be a tattletale.”

I just had to relate this hilarious Elizabeth quote.

“I got my period today in gym class,” she confided, staring at her feet.

“You did?” Elizabeth exclaimed. “Wow, that’s great!”

I can’t remember a time when I ever thought getting my period was good news. Unless it was late. Am I right, ladies?

“Secca Lake is the perfect setting for a concert. Everybody will be there.”

“Everybody but me,” a gloomy voice said behind them.

Meet Patrick Morris, subject of the next book. Clearly, he’s full of rainbows and sunshine.

The Cover: I hate when the tagline doesn’t match the book. This isn’t about Billie trying to fit in with the guys. It’s about this one lousy week in her life.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Time capsule contest

Classmate with a Problem: George Henkel, estranged from father

Synopsis:

Sweet Valley Middle School opened twenty-five years ago. To celebrate the anniversary, the school is going to bury a time capsule to be opened another twenty-five years from now. (Incidentally, that would be in 2013. That’s next year. OMG, I’m so old.) To get the kids into it, there’s going to be a contest. Four-person groups will try to find three things that best represent the 60s – because that’s when the school opened –  and whoever finds the most awesome things will get their pictures put into the time capsule. The Unicorns are determined to win because they want everlasting fame. And I guess we’re putting the things from the 60s into a time capsule in the 80s. I don’t really get it.

Liz, Amy and Julie get stuck with a kid named George Henkel. He’s quiet and morose and totally uncommunicative when Liz asks him why he doesn’t live with his father. Mr. Howard Henkel is a wheelchair-bound curmudgeon who lives near the Wakefields. Liz goes to his house sometimes and helps out around the house. Liz is looking through newspapers from the 60s and she finds out Mr. Henkel was a football player. He won some special game for the SVMS team and was given the football from the game. Liz asks George if his dad still has the ball, and George says he didn’t know anything about it because he doesn’t talk to his father.

Liz talks to her own father and finds out Mr. Henkel went off to Vietnam and came back in a wheelchair. His wife died when George was a baby, and then George went to live with his aunt and uncle. Liz thinks it’s tragic, but Ned tells her she should leave it alone. Ned clearly doesn’t know his daughter very well. The next time Liz goes to see Mr. Henkel, she asks him about the big game. He tells her all about it and even shows her the magical football. But he gets crabby when she asks if she can have it for the time capsule. He says it’s all he has.

The school is planning a 60s-style dance and Liz tells George he should go with her, Amy and Julie. At the dance, Liz notices George noticing Nora Mercandy, so she suggests he go ask her to do the twist with him. Everyone has a great time, and George is so relaxed and happy that he finally agrees to talk to his father about getting that football. George shows up at the Wakefield house the next day to tell Liz that his dad sucks and won’t let him have his super important football.

Later that day, Jessica goes to Mr. Henkel’s house to drop off some books Liz got for him. Mr. Henkel thinks she’s Liz and he gives her the football, babbling about how he should have treated his son better and not letting Jessica get a word in to say she’s not Elizabeth. Once she has her hands on the football, though, she shuts up and starts daydreaming about how her team is going to win the time capsule contest. By lunchtime on Monday, everyone at school has heard about Jessica getting the football. The Unicorns are impressed. Liz is not. Liz gets the truth out of Jessica and makes her hand over the football. When Liz tries to give it to George, he says he doesn’t want it unless his father gives it to him in person. So Liz tells Mr. Henkel and Mr. Henkel gets crabby and says the deal’s off.

Time’s up and everyone goes to the big ceremony at school. Jessica’s team has found a movie poster, a Beatles record and an old fashion magazine. Liz’s team has an autographed pictures of President Kennedy and a textbook from the first year the school was open. They weren’t able to find a third item. But wait! In the middle of the ceremony, Mr. Henkel makes a dramatic entrance, wheeling himself onto the field, football in his lap. He goes straight to the stage and talks to Mr. Clark, who calls George to the stage.

Mr. Henkel makes a big speech about looking forward instead of backward and then he hands the ball to George. Big hug, Liz’s team wins, everyone is happy except the Unicorns. Jessica’s silver lining is that Liz is getting her picture put in the time capsule and people might mistake her for Jessica.

Setup for the next book: the twins think their mother is having an affair.

Quotes:

“The Unicorns are very happy about this,” [Janet] told Jessica. “This is a great accomplishment and we won’t forget it.”

Sometimes Janet sounds like a mob boss.

The Cover: I have always loved this cover. I think it’s because I’m obsessed with the 60s and 70s.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Nothing exciting.

Synopsis:

Sarah Thomas is working on a history project with Liz and Amy, and for some reason she feels the need to constantly state that she hates weekends. If anyone mentions the weekend, Sarah makes sure that person feels awkward about it. Nobody can figure out what her problem is.

Sarah’s dad has to leave town for a week on business and he leaves Annie, his fiancé, in charge of Sarah. The second his car is out of the driveway, Annie gets a phone call. She tells Sarah it was one of her old neighbors on the phone to tell her that Annie’s little sister is sick and she should come take care of her. So Annie takes off, saying she’ll be back the following day. Two days go by before Annie calls to say she’ll be gone until Saturday. Annie told Sarah not to mention anything to her father, so Sarah pretends Annie is in the shower whenever her dad calls and she doesn’t tell anyone what’s going on. She’s not sleeping because she’s too scared to sleep in the house alone, and she gratefully accepts when Liz asks her to a sleepover at her house for Friday night.

Janet Howell tells Jessica she wants her advice about what to do for the Unicorns’ next party. She comes over to the Wakefield house and seems disappointed that Steven isn’t there. She manages to bring up Steven’s name over and over, but Jessica doesn’t even notice because she’s feeling so special about Janet wanting her advice. Jessica finally figures out that Janet is only hanging around to get a glimpse of Steven. She gets pissed and tells Janet maybe she’ll resign from the Unicorns. So now Janet’s not speaking to Jessica, and Lila’s mad at her because she’s jealous of all the time Jessica was spending with Janet. But don’t worry, it only takes two pages to get all that resolved and then Jessica’s life is back on track.

By the time Friday night rolls around, Sarah is half dead from sleep deprivation and she falls down the stairs and passes out. When Liz, Amy and Mr. Wakefield arrive to pick her up and nobody answers the door, they look in the window and see Sarah in a heap at the foot of the stairs. Ned breaks a window to get inside. After making sure Sarah’s alive, he calls the paramedics. He also finds out where Mr. Thomas works, and a call to his company reveals that he’s in Texas.

Ned and the girls go to the hospital with Sarah and after a while Sarah’s dad shows up. He doesn’t understand why Sarah was alone in the house and he makes some phone calls. He finds out that bitch Annie doesn’t even have a little sister. Then Annie herself comes running into the ER waiting room acting like she cares, but Mr. Thomas tells her to fuck off. Annie leaves and then Sarah’s dead mother’s sister waltzes in out of nowhere and says she knew something like this would happen and that Sarah should go live with her.

But no, Sarah tells her aunt she wants to stay with her dad and nobody seems to care that a twelve-year-old girl just spent five days living by herself. Everyone has a great time at the Unicorn luau that Jessica and Janet planned.

Quotes:

Making Janet think she was mature and sophisticated was hard work!

The “hard work” consisted of Jessica ordering cherry cola (when she really wanted lemonade) and nachos (instead of popcorn) because that’s what Janet ordered.

“The whole world doesn’t revolve around you, Lila Fowler.”

“That’s a nice thing to say! Some friend you are!”

Unicorn friends should never let on that the world doesn’t revolve around other Unicorns.

The Cover: I’m pretty sure I had a lion just like that.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Birthday party for Mary

Synopsis:

Mary Robinson is feeling down. Her long lost mother went and married this Tim Wallace guy and Mary feels left out. But for some reason she’s going around telling all her friends that Tim is this rich architect who buys her presents and is designing a mansion for her and her mom. He’s not. He’s a handyman who just bought a tugboat.

The twins can tell something is bothering Mary. She rushes straight home from school every day, her grades are falling and – worst of all! – she keeps missing Unicorn meetings. The Unicorns have a special lunch meeting just so Mary can be there, but Mary has gone home to have lunch with her mom. Janet decides to continue the meeting after school and if Mary’s not there, she’s kicked out of the Unicorns.

Mary manages to make it to the Dairi Burger for the meeting, and she’s mortified when her mom and stepfather walk in. Tim pulls up a chair and starts talking to the Unicorns. Mary fakes a stomach ache when he starts talking about the tugboat (Mary’s been telling everyone it’s a yacht). Mr. and Mrs. Wallace take Mary home and try to think of some way to make her feel better about things. They decide to throw her a surprise birthday party on the tugboat. So now they’re spending even less time with Mary because they’re always heading off to the harbor to fix up the boat. And Mary’s friends are always talking about the party, and they shut up whenever Mary comes near.

Mary tells Liz she’s afraid nobody likes her anymore, so Liz spills the beans about the party. Mary’s pretty happy until Liz tells her the party is going to be on the boat. Oh, no. She’s sure nobody will want to be her friend when they see her stupid tugboat. The day before the party, Mary fakes another stomach ache so she can leave school early. When her mom and Tim don’t seem overly worried about her, Mary decides the best thing to do is run away. But as soon as she walks out the door, she trips over her bike and hurts her arm. Tim comes outside to investigate, sees Mary’s arm is hurt, and offers to carry her inside. Because she can’t walk with an injured arm? Tim promises he won’t tell Mary’s mom that Mary was running away, and Mary decides she trusts him and it’s okay with her if he adopts her.

Now that she’s discovered what a nice guy Tim really is, Mary guesses she ought to go to the damn party. She shouldn’t have worried, of course. All her friends think it’s super cool that her family owns a tugboat, and everyone thinks Tim is dreamy when he takes out his guitar and sings a song he wrote just for Mary, and then all the songs from the Unicorns’ current favorite movie.

Quotes:

Elizabeth frowned. She missed spending long Sixers work sessions with Mary, the two of them typing and laughing for hours on end.

I keep picturing Liz and Mary laughing insanely while they type. Reminds me of Hyperbole and a Half’s Internet Forever.

[Tim] took out his guitar and sang a simple melody about love and trust. Each verse talked about building love like a house, adding room after room until the house had turned into a castle. The chorus was, “There’s always room for more love.”

Barf. We get more lyrics later on: “Love takes time, love takes work, but now my love castle is finished, and my princess can move in.” Ew.

The Cover: Mary looks exactly like the twins, and I don’t know who that other person is supposed to be. My husband saw this cover and said, “It’s Pat!”

The Moral of the Story: It’s okay to let a guy run your life as long as he helps you with your homework while he’s at it.

Synopsis:

Liz can’t get over Conner: Liz’s secret admirer is Jeffrey French. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND? He goes by Jeff now, even though he used to hate when people called him that, and his eyes are green now instead of blue, but whatever. He’s been DJing at the Riot for the last couple of months and he looks better than ever. He and Liz have a great Valentine’s night and they end it with a kiss. When Conner sees them together at school the next day, he looks jealous and angry and Liz hopes he feels like crap for treating her so badly. Oh my god, GET OVER HIM ALREADY.

Tia needs to settle down: All the seniors take a career aptitude test and Tia is horrified that her results are waitress/bartender, botanist and philanthropist. She’s already a wreck these days because she has no idea where she wants to go to college or what she wants to do with her life, so the test results freak her out. After a little while, she decides to embrace her mediocrity, so she talks the owner of the Riot into letting her bartend for a night to see what it’s all about. She gets harassed by drunk guys and then slips all over some ice cubes on the floor, so that doesn’t work out too well. To discover if she likes being a botanist, she asks Ken if she can join him when he goes landscaping on Saturday morning (this is the first we’ve heard of Ken having a job, by the way). She hates it, naturally. Trent sets her up with his cousin Hayley, a social worker, so Tia can try out some philanthropy. The cousin takes her to help out at a homeless shelter and tells her about Habitat for Humanity. Tia figures that’s something she’d like to do. She tells her parents she enjoyed volunteering and then gets all pissy when they say she should look into being a social worker. I don’t know what her deal is, but she eventually decides she might want to take next year off and do some volunteer work instead of going to college.

Elizabeth is unable to talk to her boyfriend: A guy at Scope is supposed to cover some big Lollapalooza type concert, but his wife goes into labor and he gives his tickets to Liz so she can cover it. She and Jeffrey – I’m sorry, Jeff – are totally psyched to go, but Liz starts to stress out when Jeff starts talking about checking out all the booths and seeing the snowboard tent or something. She’s going to have to write about the concert so she can’t be just wandering around looking at snowboards, but of course she doesn’t say anything to Jeffrey. She also doesn’t say anything about how she doesn’t like poetry anymore and blah blah blah, this is nothing new. At the concert, she lets Jeff run the show and he convinces her to go on some virtual reality ride even though she hasn’t taken nearly enough notes for her article. She gets sick on the ride, throws up and tells Jeff to take her home. He carries her to bed and then says he wants to go back so he can catch the Chili Peppers. Liz doesn’t say anything, but she’s pissed and she’s decided she’s going to tell Jeff it’s over between them because she’s NOT letting another man run her life, uh-uh. But when she goes to break up with him the next day at school, Jeff gives her a whole bunch of stuff from the concert. He went back and got quotes and set lists and promo pictures and all kinds of stuff so Liz can finish her article. She decides she’ll keep him around for a while.

Andy and Dave are gay: Dave Niles is all ready to tell his father he’s gay, but before he can, his dad tells him that Dave’s mother is coming to town and wants to see him. Mr. Niles is a little stressed about it, so Dave figures he can’t possibly tell him his news. Andy is pretty upset, but Dave promises to tell his dad over the weekend. He wimps out, of course, but he lies and tells Andy he did it. The inevitable backfire comes when Andy calls but Dave isn’t home and his dad says something to Andy about Dave having gone to the beach to check out girls. Andy says, “I know Dave told you about us.” He freaks out and tries to save the conversation when he realizes Mr. Niles doesn’t actually know anything, but it doesn’t really work. When Dave gets home and his dad asks him what Andy’s deal is, Dave lies and makes Andy sound like some socially retarded weirdo. Then he decides he’s mad at Andy for calling in the first place. Dave goes to Andy’s and yells at him for a minute, and then he goes home and has dinner with his father and visiting mother. The parents start arguing about something or other and Dave gets pissed and interrupts them to say he’s gay.

Will and Melissa are obnoxious: Melissa is pissed at Will for kissing that other girl and she won’t talk to him. Will decides he’s had enough of Melissa’s crap. Again.

Quotes:

Will: Maybe I really can be one of those ESPN commentators. That would rule. And wouldn’t Melissa just go crazy knowing I’d made it so far and she’d given up her shot to be there at my side.

Just when I thought I couldn’t hate him more.

The Cover: Yeah, yeah, Tia’s cute, whatever. Yawn.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Valentine’s Day

Synopsis:

It’s Valentine’s Day in Sweet Valley and everyone’s having issues.

Maria and Ken: Maria and Ken are both broke, so they’ve decided not to exchange presents. So when Maria finds a huge bouquet of flowers on her desk, she freaks out and goes crazy trying to think of something she can give Ken in return. She hears a guy talking about some concert tickets he won’t be able to use, and since it’s a band Ken likes she decides to buy them from him for a hundred dollars. Ken, who doesn’t know anything about the bouquet of flowers, is now freaking out because he didn’t get anything for Maria, as per their pact. So he leaves school at lunchtime and buys a pair of earrings Maria admired last week. Now Maria is freaking out AGAIN, so she decides to have some balloons delivered to Ken at school. They finally see each other that night for their date, and Maria realizes the flowers she got that morning had been placed on the wrong desk; they were really for the girl who sits next to her. Maria and Ken have a good laugh and live happily ever after.

Jade and Evan: Evan isn’t all about the love these days because of his parents’ divorce, and he’s just so glad he’s got a gal like Jade who doesn’t get all girly about stuff like Valentine’s Day. Of course, when he sees Jade all decked out in red and pink and going gaga over some other girl’s candygram, he realizes she really does care. He decides he can’t deal with that, so he just avoids her all day. Jade is crushed, but her mother tells her she should just tell Evan she wants to celebrate. So she shows up at his house that night with all his favorite gross health food treats. He apologizes for being a jerk and they live happily ever after.

Tia and Trent: Tia is getting flowers and stuff from a secret admirer. She assumes it’s all from Trent, and she’s pissed that he won’t leave her alone. At lunch, she announces she’s going to drive out to Big Mesa and tell Trent to back off, but Jessica tells her not to. Apparently, all that stuff was really from Jessica. She was just trying to get Tia and Trent back together. Tia is embarrassed and kind of disappointed to find out Trent wasn’t actually trying to get her back. But don’t worry! She gets home that night and finds Trent on her front porch with a bouquet of flowers. They kiss and then live happily ever after.

Andy and Dave: Andy is all depressed because the first guy he’s ever liked doesn’t want to come out of the closet and now he has no valentine. He goes to the park at lunchtime and runs into none other than Dave. They sit there talking for a minute, but then Dave sees some guys from his school and acts all weird. It’s clear to Andy that Dave doesn’t want anyone to think they’re at the park together, and it bugs him so he leaves. Dave shows up at his house that night. He apologizes for being weird at the park and says he’s going to tell his father he’s gay because he really cares about Andy. Andy and Dave live happily ever after.

Melissa and Will: Will has made all these plans for Valentine’s Day and he’s pissed when Melissa says she has to cancel because of a family dinner. Actually, she’s just planning to surprise him at the Tribune office after school, but Will doesn’t know that and he’s pissed. So pissed that he doesn’t think twice before making out with that Erika bitch. And wouldn’t you know it? That’s when Melissa walks in. She can’t believe her perfect boyfriend would do such a thing. Come on, Melissa, it’s not like he hasn’t done it before.

Some creep: There are all these scenes from an unnamed guy’s point of view. He keeps checking out some chick, also unnamed, and thinking about how much he wants to get back together with her. He leaves the mysterious girl a note asking her to meet him at First and Ten that night at six.

Elizabeth: Liz gets the anonymous guy’s note, which says he has a past with her. She can’t think of any ex-boyfriend she’d like to get back together with, but she decides to go to First and Ten anyway. When she gets there and sees who her secret admirer is, she gets really happy. In an attempt at suspense, the ghostwriters have decided not to tell us who it is just yet, but it’s someone Liz apparently didn’t even consider when trying to figure out which ex might want her back.

Quotes:

Couldn’t be, she reasoned. Fairy-tale plot twists weren’t written into the Elizabeth Wakefield life story.

LOLOLOL

The Cover: There is something terribly cheesy about this cover. I hate it.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Winter break

Synopsis:

It’s winter break. Jeremy’s family has moved to Arizona and he wants to drive there to help them get settled, but his parents say someone has to go with him. His friends can’t make it, and Jessica has to go to a family reunion up north (in a convenient plot contrivance that makes this an almost entirely Wakefield-free book). Jessica suggests Jeremy take Evan. I guess she doesn’t think there’s anything weird about forcing a guy she dated onto her current boyfriend. Jeremy hardly knows the guy, but he can’t think of anyone else to go with him so he says he’ll ask him. Evan jumps at the chance to take a road trip and asks if Conner can go, too. Jeremy isn’t so sure about that, but Evan convinces him Conner’s not as bad as the Wakefield sisters would have him believe.

Melissa makes Will tell her what he knows about Mr. Matthews and the Michigan scholarship scandal. He’s no match for her unblinking Psycho Gaze of Death, so he has no choice but to tell her everything. Then he asks her not to tell anyone. Yeah, right. Will doesn’t want to ruin Ken’s life, because that will in turn ruin his own internship with Ken’s dad, but he does want to tell Mr. Matthews what he knows. However, when he gets to work, Mr. Matthews sends him on assignment with another reporter to interview some of the Forty Niners. That’s much too awesome an assignment for Will to pass up.

Tia and Trent have been hanging out lately, and Andy convinces Tia that Trent is interested in being more than just friends. I guess he must be over the whole this-chick-cheated-on-her-boyfriend-with-me thing. So Tia thinks maybe she should pursue it, but then Angel shows up on her doorstep. He’s come home for winter break and he wants to get together and catch up. Tia immediately emails Andy and tells him she won’t be calling Trent because she and Angel are getting back together. Andy thinks she’s being a little presumptuous and tells her she might be jumping the gun, but Tia insists she has a feeling that things are going to work out with her and Angel this time. So they go out and it’s like nothing ever changed, but when they start talking about the future they remember why they broke up in the first place: long distance relationships suck. They have a mutual and drama-less breakup, and then Tia calls Trent.

The road trip isn’t really much fun. By mid afternoon, Jeremy has talked Evan’s ear off about how guilty he feels about staying in Big Mesa, and Conner has fallen asleep in the backseat. When Evan takes the wheel, Jeremy falls asleep, too. Evan sees a sign for Las Vegas and decides to say to hell with Jeremy’s anal itinerary. He heads for Vegas. Jeremy’s pissed when he wakes up, but Evan convinces him he might have fun. Jeremy is doubtful. All three boys are surprised when places like the Luxor are way out of their price range, and they end up at some old crappy hotel that isn’t on the strip.

Melissa and her friends are hanging out at House of Java when Ken and Maria come in. Because she just can’t help but be a bitch, Melissa starts making fun of them. Ken tells her to shut up and they start arguing. Melissa wins the fight by telling Ken he didn’t actually earn his scholarship, that his father bribed the scout. Ken goes to the newspaper office, but Will is there and his father isn’t. Ken tells Will what Melissa said, and Will looks sheepish and says Ken should talk to his father about it. So Ken goes home and confronts his dad, and Mr. Matthews tells him this is the way the world works and he’s waiting for Ken to thank him for getting him into such a good school. Ken is bewildered.

The boys meet a girl named Laney at a coffee shop, and she offers to give them an “insider’s tour” of Vegas. Evan’s the only one who feels up to it, so off he goes. Conner takes off to go have a look around town while Jeremy drinks coffee and wrings his hands all night while he waits for them to come back. He wants them to come back soon because, as he keeps repeating, he wants to get an early start in the morning. Evan goes on roller coasters and has a great time with Laney. Conner meets a Wise Bartender who tells him he needs to cut out the drinkers in his life (Alanna). Jeremy calls his mom and tells her he’s in Vegas. She thinks it’s good for him to have a little fun, and Jeremy is upset because he thinks she should be worried. How is it possible that Jeremy is only a fun guy when he’s with Jessica? Get him away from Jessica and he’s a damned stick in the mud.

The waitress at the diner tells Jeremy that Laney called. She and Evan want him to get over to the Elvis Chapel to be a witness. Jeremy rushes over there to stop them from getting married. Laney and Evan start laughing when they see how panicked he is. They’re all going to be witnesses at the next wedding, that’s all. Jeremy is mad at first, but he finds the whole wedding so absurd that he ends up laughing uncontrollably and having a good time. He and Evan get back to the hotel at the same time as Conner, and Jeremy surprises them both when he says they should all sleep in the next morning.

Quotes:

Evan threw his head back and laughed.

In every single one of these books, someone throws his or her head back and laughs. It’s usually Tia, but if it’s not her it’s someone else. And whenever I picture someone laughing that way, it looks evil and menacing.

The Cover: Well, I guess that’s what Evan looks like. Too bad we can only see half his face.

The Moral of the Story: If you break your knee, you could become a delusional mess.

Synopsis:

Jade is totally freaking out about her jackass father’s promise to sue for custody, and the only way she can deal with it is by going to the Riot to dance it out. Some middle aged drunk guy starts hitting on her in a really creepy way, and Evan comes along and makes him back off. He and Jade don’t know each other well, but Evan can tell she’s upset and he offers to listen. She tells him all about her dad’s jackassery, thinking all the while how dreamy Evan is.

Jeremy and Jessica are fighting all the time. Jessica tells Jeremy a story about the cheerleading coach not letting Annie compete because she missed three games, and she can’t believe it when Jeremy doesn’t agree that the rule is totally unfair. Then Jeremy likes the movie they go see and Jessica doesn’t, and she somehow takes it personally when he tells her why he liked it. This is pretty standard Jessica, creating drama out of thin air. The two of them finally realize they’ve just been trying too hard and overthinking everything, and they settle down to play some video games at the arcade where they had their first date.

Will goes back to school for the first time since he got hurt. The first thing he sees is Ken and Melissa making out at Melissa’s locker. He turns around on his crutches and starts hobbling away, envisioning how awesome it’s going to be when he’s the star quarterback again. Will is kind of freaking me out because I’m pretty sure he’s delusional. He never stops thinking about how much he hates Ken for “stealing his life.” Will, Ken did not break your fucking knee, okay? Melissa tries to talk to him and say she wants to be friends, but he doesn’t want anything to do with her.

Evan suggests Jade talk to Jessica’s dad because he’s a lawyer of some kind and he might be able to offer some free advice about Jade’s father. Ned isn’t all that helpful and really just scares Jade more when he says it’s quite possible the judge would side with Mr. Wu. Way to go, Ned. Thanks for your help.

Melissa has got it in her head that she needs to “test” Ken’s feelings for Maria. She makes him take her to First and Ten, where Maria works, so she can watch his reaction when he sees her. Ken is uncomfortable the whole time, but I guess he’s passed Melissa’s test. For now, anyway. Her next test is to have him take her to House of Java, I guess just to see if he’ll do it. Jessica is pissed that Ken would bring her mortal enemy to her workplace, because only people Jessica likes are allowed to have coffee. Melissa goes to the bathroom and Jessica tells Ken it wasn’t cool of him to bring Melissa there and it was also not cool of him to make out with Melissa right in front of Will. Ken, whose thought process doesn’t usually get beyond “food, football, football, football, food, football” has of course not thought about any of this, but now he’s wondering if Melissa is really right for him.

Jade’s father calls the school and tells the school social worker that Ms. Wu is a terrible mother and he wants to set up a meeting with her and Jade. At the meeting, he starts going on about how Jade’s mother is never home because she’s always working. Hey, asshole, maybe if you’d pay some child support, she could stay home every now and then. Jade’s mom makes a lot of good points about how terrible it would be to uproot Jade and move her to Oregon in the middle of her senior year, and Jade makes it clear she and her mother have a great relationship. Suddenly, Mr. Wu sees the error of his ways and apologizes for making hasty assumptions based on such a small glimpse into the female Wus’ lives. He says he won’t sue for custody and he wants to visit more. And then the room exploded in a puff of rainbows and cotton candy. What the hell?

Will is working his ass off in physical therapy, but the physical therapist tells him he’s doing too much and his knee is inflamed. Will says not to worry, he’ll be back on the football field in no time. Dr. Goldstein looks at him pityingly and tells him his knee is never going to be strong enough to play football again. Will’s surgeon actually did tell him this, but I guess Will thought the guy was lying or something. When the physical therapist tells him it’s absolutely never ever ever going to happen, Will limps away on his crutches, visions of Ken Matthews dancing in his head.

Quotes:

As far as everybody in his life knew, he was getting better every day. He’d get back on top no matter what. And then he’d make Ken and Melissa face up to what they’d done.

Oh, for goodness’ sake. They didn’t do anything. Will knew Melissa was a bitch when he tried to break up with her before, and it doesn’t take much to realize Ken hasn’t had a complex thought in years. He’s certainly not smart enough to steal someone’s life on purpose.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: The Lydia G. Senate scholarship competition

Synopsis:

The Lydia G. Senate scholarship is a super duper scholarship that pays for everything included in a four year college plan. Meals, books, housing, the whole works. The only catch is that the recipient must choose a school from Mrs. Senate’s approved list, and all the approved schools are on the east coast. Five female students are nominated, and a panel of student judges chooses who gets the scholarship. That seems like a pretty terrible system.

Tia is shocked when the guidance counselor, Mr. Nelson, tells her she’s been nominated for the Senate scholarship. She’s hardly even thought about college because she knows there’s no money in her family to pay for it. Her parents are thrilled until Tia tells them she’d have to go to school on the east coast. Then they decide they don’t want to talk about it. Um, hello? FREE COLLEGE. What’s the problem?

Melissa has never heard of the Senate scholarship because it’s a Sweet Valley thing, but she figures it’s only natural she’d be nominated. She is Melissa Fox, after all. She’s still thinking she’ll go to Michigan, as Ken’s girlfriend instead of Will’s, of course, and she’s sure she can convince Mrs. Senate to okay it even though it’s not on the list of approved schools. Ken thinks it’s weird that a girl he’s been dating for two weeks is going to follow him to college.

Maria is nominated and she’s a total bitch when she finds out Tia’s up for the scholarship, too. She says something snotty about being surprised Tia got nominated, and Tia takes it far too personally and starts bitching. Liz tells them both to shut up; she doesn’t want to hear about the scholarship because she wasn’t nominated. Burn! All her mooning over Conner and slacking off in the beginning of the year knocked her out of the running. Maria later overhears Liz telling someone she’s one of the student judges, and the other person says Liz should get the scholarship. For some reason, Maria is pissed when Liz doesn’t immediately say Maria is just as deserving of the scholarship as she is. Get over yourself, Maria.

Melissa tells Ken about the scholarship and then says Maria doesn’t stand a chance against her. Ken starts singing Maria’s praises and telling Melissa how smart his ex-girlfriend is. Melissa doesn’t speak to him for the rest of the day. Mr. Nelson tells Ken he’s been selected to be one of the student judges. Ken tries to tell him both his girlfriend and his ex are nominees, and Mr. Nelson tells him he’ll just have to try that much harder to remain neutral. Wow, this guy is useless. Ken calls Melissa that night to tell her, and she says they should just not talk until the whole thing is over. Then she hangs up on him. Ken starts rethinking this whole Melissa-girlfriend situation.

All the nominees need two faculty recommendations, and Maria is pissed when Tia gets the drama teacher to write one for her because drama is her thing. Then there’s an interview with all the student judges and all the nominees, and Maria gets mad at pretty much everything Tia says because she thinks Tia’s not taking it seriously enough. She’s also angry for some reason about how depressed Liz looks during the interview. Oh my god, I hate Maria.

After the interview, Maria actually goes off on Tia for not caring about the scholarship. Good lord. Poor Tia feels bad because she really doesn’t know where she wants to go or what she wants to major in, so she thinks Maria is right; she doesn’t deserve to win. In the hallway later, Ken wishes Maria luck, and she totally flips out, telling him she doesn’t need his pity and the only reason he’s on the panel is because football is so overrated at Sweet Valley High. She says if Will hadn’t gotten hurt, he’d be the one judging instead of Ken. Then she storms off. Okay, so Maria’s not just a bitch, she’s a super crazy psycho bitch.

That night, Tia has an argument with her still unsupportive parents, and she realizes she really doesn’t want to go to an east coast school and have to deal with all the other requirements the scholarship puts on its recipient. She decides to drop out of the competition. She gets to school early the next morning and tells Mr. Nelson, and then she runs into Maria, who tells her she’s also decided to drop out because she’s ashamed of the way she’s been acting (as well she should be) and she’s realized her friends are more important than the scholarship. Tia tells her she just dropped out so Maria should stay in the game.

Everyone goes to Mrs. Senate’s house for a dinner where the winner will be announced. And it’s Maria. Of course it is. Just so you know, there were two other girls nominated, Hannah and Leah, but it wasn’t hard to figure out neither one of them was going to win. Anyway, Ken is glad his vote was anonymous because he voted for Maria. Melissa feels better when she tells herself Maria might have gotten the scholarship, but Melissa has her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Will is yearning for the day he can rejoin the football team and make Melissa fall in love with him again so he can turn his back on her. It’s enough to make you feel warm and fuzzy, isn’t it?

Some non-scholarship stuff: Jade’s father is at her apartment when she gets home from cheerleading one night. He’s been living in Oregon since the divorce and Jade hasn’t heard from him in four years. He comes in and looks around the cluttered apartment in disgust, and then tells Jade he wants to take her to dinner on Friday night. During dinner, he starts asking questions about her mom, and Jade says Ms. Wu has to work a lot because someone doesn’t send child support checks. Jade wakes up the next morning to find her father in the kitchen yelling at her mother. He doesn’t like the way Jade’s being raised, so he’s suing for custody. What a dick.

Quotes:

“In a lot of ways that poor little potato” – [Evan] pointed directly at Jade’s French fries – “symbolizes the reckless consumerism that plagues America.”

Dude, they’re just fries.

The Cover and Title: I don’t get what the title is supposed to mean, and I don’t get why the three of them are posing like that. Why does Liz look so happy? And I know she’s probably wearing a dress, but I can’t help imagining her outfit is, like, some kind of awful jumpsuit with pants.

Ooh, maybe the title is about Maria being a straight up bitch.

The Moral of the Story:

The Big Deal: Homecoming

Synopsis:

Conner’s father has left him alone pretty much all weekend, and Conner’s annoyed by his lack of interest. He goes to a park and drinks the bottle of vodka he had in his trunk, and then he goes to the bar where he and his dad got drunk together the other night. He’s feeling pretty good until some redneck puts a country song on the jukebox. Conner flips out and tries to attack the guy, but he’s too drunk and his swing totally misses. The bartender shoves him into a booth where he just sort of puts his head down and spaces out for a while, and a little while later his father comes and drags him away. He puts him in a car, and then Conner blacks out.

Conner wakes up the next morning in a hospital bed. His father looks disgusted as he explains that Conner drank so much he got alcohol poisoning and could have died. The boy finally gets it through his fat head that he has a problem, and he calls his mother and tells her he’s coming home and wants to check into rehab.

Back in Sweet Valley, Liz is sitting around feeling sorry for herself and avoiding Evan’s calls because she doesn’t know what to say to him. Jessica is angry about all the time Liz has been spending with Evan because she doesn’t think Liz should be pursuing a guy Jessica used to date. Yeah, because Jessica has never done that to Liz. Liz keeps trying to tell herself she doesn’t like Evan that way.

Homecoming is just around the corner and Liz is on the planning committee with Jessica, but quits after Jessica yells at her about Evan. Maria quits because she’d rather mope about her breakup with Ken. Tia tries to quit because she doesn’t want to hang out with Liz after their fight about Evan, but Jessica tells her Liz isn’t on the committee anymore so Tia won’t have to deal with her.

A Wakefield family dinner is interrupted by the doorbell. Liz is shocked to see Conner at the door. She invites him in and he tells her he’s going to rehab. He leans toward her like he’s going to kiss her or something, and she instinctively backs away. She realizes she doesn’t love him anymore and wants him to leave. Conner seems to sense something like that, so he tells her they should take a break. Even though she agrees, Liz is of course pissed off that he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. Whatever.

Tia and Liz apologize to each other, and Tia sort of gives Liz and Evan her blessing. So when Evan asks Liz to the homecoming dance, she accepts. She tells Jessica she’s going with him and can’t figure out why Jessica is so mad. Jessica says she’d been planning on asking Evan to the dance and now she has to go dateless.

Will is still sulking about his knee and refusing to go back to school or let Melissa come over. She finally gets fed up when she calls and his mother says he’s not there even though Melissa can hear him in the background saying he doesn’t want to talk to her. She hangs up, and then Ken calls. He asks her to go to homecoming – just as friends – and Melissa thinks it’s a great way to get back at Will for being such a jackass.

There’s some boring stuff about Andy not doing well in school again and also getting all whiny about the fact that Conner only went to see Liz and Tia in person to tell them he was back and going to rehab, and didn’t come to see Andy at all. In the end, Conner sends Andy an email to apologize that he didn’t have time before leaving for the clinic, and also for blowing him off when Andy came to him with his concerns about being gay. Andy is placated.

Tia, Andy and Jessica go to prom together and have a nice friendly time. Jeremy shows up with Jade, but she’s freaking weird and she spends the whole night dancing with everyone but him. Jessica notices Jeremy standing by himself and goes over to talk to him. She doesn’t want to be a bitch, so she tries to tell him to work things out with Jade even though she really wants him for herself. So selfless. Of course, Jeremy is sickened by the way Jade’s acting and doesn’t even care about her anymore, and he’s bummed that Jessica is so obviously over him. Ugh. Liz and Evan dance together and then kiss in the middle of the dance floor.

The Cover: Liz is brooding, I guess. You know, ‘cause she’s Falling Apart.