Sweet Valley High Senior Year #38: Get a Clue

The Moral of the Story: It’s okay to let a guy run your life as long as he helps you with your homework while he’s at it.

Synopsis:

Liz can’t get over Conner: Liz’s secret admirer is Jeffrey French. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND? He goes by Jeff now, even though he used to hate when people called him that, and his eyes are green now instead of blue, but whatever. He’s been DJing at the Riot for the last couple of months and he looks better than ever. He and Liz have a great Valentine’s night and they end it with a kiss. When Conner sees them together at school the next day, he looks jealous and angry and Liz hopes he feels like crap for treating her so badly. Oh my god, GET OVER HIM ALREADY.

Tia needs to settle down: All the seniors take a career aptitude test and Tia is horrified that her results are waitress/bartender, botanist and philanthropist. She’s already a wreck these days because she has no idea where she wants to go to college or what she wants to do with her life, so the test results freak her out. After a little while, she decides to embrace her mediocrity, so she talks the owner of the Riot into letting her bartend for a night to see what it’s all about. She gets harassed by drunk guys and then slips all over some ice cubes on the floor, so that doesn’t work out too well. To discover if she likes being a botanist, she asks Ken if she can join him when he goes landscaping on Saturday morning (this is the first we’ve heard of Ken having a job, by the way). She hates it, naturally. Trent sets her up with his cousin Hayley, a social worker, so Tia can try out some philanthropy. The cousin takes her to help out at a homeless shelter and tells her about Habitat for Humanity. Tia figures that’s something she’d like to do. She tells her parents she enjoyed volunteering and then gets all pissy when they say she should look into being a social worker. I don’t know what her deal is, but she eventually decides she might want to take next year off and do some volunteer work instead of going to college.

Elizabeth is unable to talk to her boyfriend: A guy at Scope is supposed to cover some big Lollapalooza type concert, but his wife goes into labor and he gives his tickets to Liz so she can cover it. She and Jeffrey – I’m sorry, Jeff – are totally psyched to go, but Liz starts to stress out when Jeff starts talking about checking out all the booths and seeing the snowboard tent or something. She’s going to have to write about the concert so she can’t be just wandering around looking at snowboards, but of course she doesn’t say anything to Jeffrey. She also doesn’t say anything about how she doesn’t like poetry anymore and blah blah blah, this is nothing new. At the concert, she lets Jeff run the show and he convinces her to go on some virtual reality ride even though she hasn’t taken nearly enough notes for her article. She gets sick on the ride, throws up and tells Jeff to take her home. He carries her to bed and then says he wants to go back so he can catch the Chili Peppers. Liz doesn’t say anything, but she’s pissed and she’s decided she’s going to tell Jeff it’s over between them because she’s NOT letting another man run her life, uh-uh. But when she goes to break up with him the next day at school, Jeff gives her a whole bunch of stuff from the concert. He went back and got quotes and set lists and promo pictures and all kinds of stuff so Liz can finish her article. She decides she’ll keep him around for a while.

Andy and Dave are gay: Dave Niles is all ready to tell his father he’s gay, but before he can, his dad tells him that Dave’s mother is coming to town and wants to see him. Mr. Niles is a little stressed about it, so Dave figures he can’t possibly tell him his news. Andy is pretty upset, but Dave promises to tell his dad over the weekend. He wimps out, of course, but he lies and tells Andy he did it. The inevitable backfire comes when Andy calls but Dave isn’t home and his dad says something to Andy about Dave having gone to the beach to check out girls. Andy says, “I know Dave told you about us.” He freaks out and tries to save the conversation when he realizes Mr. Niles doesn’t actually know anything, but it doesn’t really work. When Dave gets home and his dad asks him what Andy’s deal is, Dave lies and makes Andy sound like some socially retarded weirdo. Then he decides he’s mad at Andy for calling in the first place. Dave goes to Andy’s and yells at him for a minute, and then he goes home and has dinner with his father and visiting mother. The parents start arguing about something or other and Dave gets pissed and interrupts them to say he’s gay.

Will and Melissa are obnoxious: Melissa is pissed at Will for kissing that other girl and she won’t talk to him. Will decides he’s had enough of Melissa’s crap. Again.

Quotes:

Will: Maybe I really can be one of those ESPN commentators. That would rule. And wouldn’t Melissa just go crazy knowing I’d made it so far and she’d given up her shot to be there at my side.

Just when I thought I couldn’t hate him more.

The Cover: Yeah, yeah, Tia’s cute, whatever. Yawn.

14 Comments

Shannon, May 12th 2010 | Tags: ,
Posted in 2. Senior Year

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #37: Be Mine

The Moral of the Story: Couples in Sweet Valley always live happily ever after on Valentine’s Day.

The Big Deal: Valentine’s Day

Synopsis:

It’s Valentine’s Day in Sweet Valley and everyone’s having issues.

Maria and Ken: Maria and Ken are both broke, so they’ve decided not to exchange presents. So when Maria finds a huge bouquet of flowers on her desk, she freaks out and goes crazy trying to think of something she can give Ken in return. She hears a guy talking about some concert tickets he won’t be able to use, and since it’s a band Ken likes she decides to buy them from him for a hundred dollars. Ken, who doesn’t know anything about the bouquet of flowers, is now freaking out because he didn’t get anything for Maria, as per their pact. So he leaves school at lunchtime and buys a pair of earrings Maria admired last week. Now Maria is freaking out AGAIN, so she decides to have some balloons delivered to Ken at school. They finally see each other that night for their date, and Maria realizes the flowers she got that morning had been placed on the wrong desk; they were really for the girl who sits next to her. Maria and Ken have a good laugh and live happily ever after.

Jade and Evan: Evan isn’t all about the love these days because of his parents’ divorce, and he’s just so glad he’s got a gal like Jade who doesn’t get all girly about stuff like Valentine’s Day. Of course, when he sees Jade all decked out in red and pink and going gaga over some other girl’s candygram, he realizes she really does care. He decides he can’t deal with that, so he just avoids her all day. Jade is crushed, but her mother tells her she should just tell Evan she wants to celebrate. So she shows up at his house that night with all his favorite gross health food treats. He apologizes for being a jerk and they live happily ever after.

Tia and Trent: Tia is getting flowers and stuff from a secret admirer. She assumes it’s all from Trent, and she’s pissed that he won’t leave her alone. At lunch, she announces she’s going to drive out to Big Mesa and tell Trent to back off, but Jessica tells her not to. Apparently, all that stuff was really from Jessica. She was just trying to get Tia and Trent back together. Tia is embarrassed and kind of disappointed to find out Trent wasn’t actually trying to get her back. But don’t worry! She gets home that night and finds Trent on her front porch with a bouquet of flowers. They kiss and then live happily ever after.

Andy and Dave: Andy is all depressed because the first guy he’s ever liked doesn’t want to come out of the closet and now he has no valentine. He goes to the park at lunchtime and runs into none other than Dave. They sit there talking for a minute, but then Dave sees some guys from his school and acts all weird. It’s clear to Andy that Dave doesn’t want anyone to think they’re at the park together, and it bugs him so he leaves. Dave shows up at his house that night. He apologizes for being weird at the park and says he’s going to tell his father he’s gay because he really cares about Andy. Andy and Dave live happily ever after.

Melissa and Will: Will has made all these plans for Valentine’s Day and he’s pissed when Melissa says she has to cancel because of a family dinner. Actually, she’s just planning to surprise him at the Tribune office after school, but Will doesn’t know that and he’s pissed. So pissed that he doesn’t think twice before making out with that Erika bitch. And wouldn’t you know it? That’s when Melissa walks in. She can’t believe her perfect boyfriend would do such a thing. Come on, Melissa, it’s not like he hasn’t done it before.

Some creep: There are all these scenes from an unnamed guy’s point of view. He keeps checking out some chick, also unnamed, and thinking about how much he wants to get back together with her. He leaves the mysterious girl a note asking her to meet him at First and Ten that night at six.

Elizabeth: Liz gets the anonymous guy’s note, which says he has a past with her. She can’t think of any ex-boyfriend she’d like to get back together with, but she decides to go to First and Ten anyway. When she gets there and sees who her secret admirer is, she gets really happy. In an attempt at suspense, the ghostwriters have decided not to tell us who it is just yet, but it’s someone Liz apparently didn’t even consider when trying to figure out which ex might want her back.

Quotes:

Couldn’t be, she reasoned. Fairy-tale plot twists weren’t written into the Elizabeth Wakefield life story.

LOLOLOL

The Cover: There is something terribly cheesy about this cover. I hate it.

8 Comments

Shannon, May 10th 2010 | Tags: , , ,
Posted in 2. Senior Year

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #32: Road Trip

The Moral of the Story: A trip to the Elvis Chapel can loosen anyone up.

The Big Deal: Winter break

Synopsis:

It’s winter break. Jeremy’s family has moved to Arizona and he wants to drive there to help them get settled, but his parents say someone has to go with him. His friends can’t make it, and Jessica has to go to a family reunion up north (in a convenient plot contrivance that makes this an almost entirely Wakefield-free book). Jessica suggests Jeremy take Evan. I guess she doesn’t think there’s anything weird about forcing a guy she dated onto her current boyfriend. Jeremy hardly knows the guy, but he can’t think of anyone else to go with him so he says he’ll ask him. Evan jumps at the chance to take a road trip and asks if Conner can go, too. Jeremy isn’t so sure about that, but Evan convinces him Conner’s not as bad as the Wakefield sisters would have him believe.

Melissa makes Will tell her what he knows about Mr. Matthews and the Michigan scholarship scandal. He’s no match for her unblinking Psycho Gaze of Death, so he has no choice but to tell her everything. Then he asks her not to tell anyone. Yeah, right. Will doesn’t want to ruin Ken’s life, because that will in turn ruin his own internship with Ken’s dad, but he does want to tell Mr. Matthews what he knows. However, when he gets to work, Mr. Matthews sends him on assignment with another reporter to interview some of the Forty Niners. That’s much too awesome an assignment for Will to pass up.

Tia and Trent have been hanging out lately, and Andy convinces Tia that Trent is interested in being more than just friends. I guess he must be over the whole this-chick-cheated-on-her-boyfriend-with-me thing. So Tia thinks maybe she should pursue it, but then Angel shows up on her doorstep. He’s come home for winter break and he wants to get together and catch up. Tia immediately emails Andy and tells him she won’t be calling Trent because she and Angel are getting back together. Andy thinks she’s being a little presumptuous and tells her she might be jumping the gun, but Tia insists she has a feeling that things are going to work out with her and Angel this time. So they go out and it’s like nothing ever changed, but when they start talking about the future they remember why they broke up in the first place: long distance relationships suck. They have a mutual and drama-less breakup, and then Tia calls Trent.

The road trip isn’t really much fun. By mid afternoon, Jeremy has talked Evan’s ear off about how guilty he feels about staying in Big Mesa, and Conner has fallen asleep in the backseat. When Evan takes the wheel, Jeremy falls asleep, too. Evan sees a sign for Las Vegas and decides to say to hell with Jeremy’s anal itinerary. He heads for Vegas. Jeremy’s pissed when he wakes up, but Evan convinces him he might have fun. Jeremy is doubtful. All three boys are surprised when places like the Luxor are way out of their price range, and they end up at some old crappy hotel that isn’t on the strip.

Melissa and her friends are hanging out at House of Java when Ken and Maria come in. Because she just can’t help but be a bitch, Melissa starts making fun of them. Ken tells her to shut up and they start arguing. Melissa wins the fight by telling Ken he didn’t actually earn his scholarship, that his father bribed the scout. Ken goes to the newspaper office, but Will is there and his father isn’t. Ken tells Will what Melissa said, and Will looks sheepish and says Ken should talk to his father about it. So Ken goes home and confronts his dad, and Mr. Matthews tells him this is the way the world works and he’s waiting for Ken to thank him for getting him into such a good school. Ken is bewildered.

The boys meet a girl named Laney at a coffee shop, and she offers to give them an “insider’s tour” of Vegas. Evan’s the only one who feels up to it, so off he goes. Conner takes off to go have a look around town while Jeremy drinks coffee and wrings his hands all night while he waits for them to come back. He wants them to come back soon because, as he keeps repeating, he wants to get an early start in the morning. Evan goes on roller coasters and has a great time with Laney. Conner meets a Wise Bartender who tells him he needs to cut out the drinkers in his life (Alanna). Jeremy calls his mom and tells her he’s in Vegas. She thinks it’s good for him to have a little fun, and Jeremy is upset because he thinks she should be worried. How is it possible that Jeremy is only a fun guy when he’s with Jessica? Get him away from Jessica and he’s a damned stick in the mud.

The waitress at the diner tells Jeremy that Laney called. She and Evan want him to get over to the Elvis Chapel to be a witness. Jeremy rushes over there to stop them from getting married. Laney and Evan start laughing when they see how panicked he is. They’re all going to be witnesses at the next wedding, that’s all. Jeremy is mad at first, but he finds the whole wedding so absurd that he ends up laughing uncontrollably and having a good time. He and Evan get back to the hotel at the same time as Conner, and Jeremy surprises them both when he says they should all sleep in the next morning.

Quotes:

Evan threw his head back and laughed.

In every single one of these books, someone throws his or her head back and laughs. It’s usually Tia, but if it’s not her it’s someone else. And whenever I picture someone laughing that way, it looks evil and menacing.

The Cover: Well, I guess that’s what Evan looks like. Too bad we can only see half his face.

16 Comments

Shannon, April 28th 2010 | Tags: ,
Posted in 2. Senior Year

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #26: Too Late

The Moral of the Story: If you break your knee, you could become a delusional mess.

Synopsis:

Jade is totally freaking out about her jackass father’s promise to sue for custody, and the only way she can deal with it is by going to the Riot to dance it out. Some middle aged drunk guy starts hitting on her in a really creepy way, and Evan comes along and makes him back off. He and Jade don’t know each other well, but Evan can tell she’s upset and he offers to listen. She tells him all about her dad’s jackassery, thinking all the while how dreamy Evan is.

Jeremy and Jessica are fighting all the time. Jessica tells Jeremy a story about the cheerleading coach not letting Annie compete because she missed three games, and she can’t believe it when Jeremy doesn’t agree that the rule is totally unfair. Then Jeremy likes the movie they go see and Jessica doesn’t, and she somehow takes it personally when he tells her why he liked it. This is pretty standard Jessica, creating drama out of thin air. The two of them finally realize they’ve just been trying too hard and overthinking everything, and they settle down to play some video games at the arcade where they had their first date.

Will goes back to school for the first time since he got hurt. The first thing he sees is Ken and Melissa making out at Melissa’s locker. He turns around on his crutches and starts hobbling away, envisioning how awesome it’s going to be when he’s the star quarterback again. Will is kind of freaking me out because I’m pretty sure he’s delusional. He never stops thinking about how much he hates Ken for “stealing his life.” Will, Ken did not break your fucking knee, okay? Melissa tries to talk to him and say she wants to be friends, but he doesn’t want anything to do with her.

Evan suggests Jade talk to Jessica’s dad because he’s a lawyer of some kind and he might be able to offer some free advice about Jade’s father. Ned isn’t all that helpful and really just scares Jade more when he says it’s quite possible the judge would side with Mr. Wu. Way to go, Ned. Thanks for your help.

Melissa has got it in her head that she needs to “test” Ken’s feelings for Maria. She makes him take her to First and Ten, where Maria works, so she can watch his reaction when he sees her. Ken is uncomfortable the whole time, but I guess he’s passed Melissa’s test. For now, anyway. Her next test is to have him take her to House of Java, I guess just to see if he’ll do it. Jessica is pissed that Ken would bring her mortal enemy to her workplace, because only people Jessica likes are allowed to have coffee. Melissa goes to the bathroom and Jessica tells Ken it wasn’t cool of him to bring Melissa there and it was also not cool of him to make out with Melissa right in front of Will. Ken, whose thought process doesn’t usually get beyond “food, football, football, football, food, football” has of course not thought about any of this, but now he’s wondering if Melissa is really right for him.

Jade’s father calls the school and tells the school social worker that Ms. Wu is a terrible mother and he wants to set up a meeting with her and Jade. At the meeting, he starts going on about how Jade’s mother is never home because she’s always working. Hey, asshole, maybe if you’d pay some child support, she could stay home every now and then. Jade’s mom makes a lot of good points about how terrible it would be to uproot Jade and move her to Oregon in the middle of her senior year, and Jade makes it clear she and her mother have a great relationship. Suddenly, Mr. Wu sees the error of his ways and apologizes for making hasty assumptions based on such a small glimpse into the female Wus’ lives. He says he won’t sue for custody and he wants to visit more. And then the room exploded in a puff of rainbows and cotton candy. What the hell?

Will is working his ass off in physical therapy, but the physical therapist tells him he’s doing too much and his knee is inflamed. Will says not to worry, he’ll be back on the football field in no time. Dr. Goldstein looks at him pityingly and tells him his knee is never going to be strong enough to play football again. Will’s surgeon actually did tell him this, but I guess Will thought the guy was lying or something. When the physical therapist tells him it’s absolutely never ever ever going to happen, Will limps away on his crutches, visions of Ken Matthews dancing in his head.

Quotes:

As far as everybody in his life knew, he was getting better every day. He’d get back on top no matter what. And then he’d make Ken and Melissa face up to what they’d done.

Oh, for goodness’ sake. They didn’t do anything. Will knew Melissa was a bitch when he tried to break up with her before, and it doesn’t take much to realize Ken hasn’t had a complex thought in years. He’s certainly not smart enough to steal someone’s life on purpose.

18 Comments

Shannon, April 14th 2010 | Tags:
Posted in 2. Senior Year

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #25: Straight Up

The Moral of the Story: If you act like a psychopath, you’ll win prestigious scholarships.

The Big Deal: The Lydia G. Senate scholarship competition

Synopsis:

The Lydia G. Senate scholarship is a super duper scholarship that pays for everything included in a four year college plan. Meals, books, housing, the whole works. The only catch is that the recipient must choose a school from Mrs. Senate’s approved list, and all the approved schools are on the east coast. Five female students are nominated, and a panel of student judges chooses who gets the scholarship. That seems like a pretty terrible system.

Tia is shocked when the guidance counselor, Mr. Nelson, tells her she’s been nominated for the Senate scholarship. She’s hardly even thought about college because she knows there’s no money in her family to pay for it. Her parents are thrilled until Tia tells them she’d have to go to school on the east coast. Then they decide they don’t want to talk about it. Um, hello? FREE COLLEGE. What’s the problem?

Melissa has never heard of the Senate scholarship because it’s a Sweet Valley thing, but she figures it’s only natural she’d be nominated. She is Melissa Fox, after all. She’s still thinking she’ll go to Michigan, as Ken’s girlfriend instead of Will’s, of course, and she’s sure she can convince Mrs. Senate to okay it even though it’s not on the list of approved schools. Ken thinks it’s weird that a girl he’s been dating for two weeks is going to follow him to college.

Maria is nominated and she’s a total bitch when she finds out Tia’s up for the scholarship, too. She says something snotty about being surprised Tia got nominated, and Tia takes it far too personally and starts bitching. Liz tells them both to shut up; she doesn’t want to hear about the scholarship because she wasn’t nominated. Burn! All her mooning over Conner and slacking off in the beginning of the year knocked her out of the running. Maria later overhears Liz telling someone she’s one of the student judges, and the other person says Liz should get the scholarship. For some reason, Maria is pissed when Liz doesn’t immediately say Maria is just as deserving of the scholarship as she is. Get over yourself, Maria.

Melissa tells Ken about the scholarship and then says Maria doesn’t stand a chance against her. Ken starts singing Maria’s praises and telling Melissa how smart his ex-girlfriend is. Melissa doesn’t speak to him for the rest of the day. Mr. Nelson tells Ken he’s been selected to be one of the student judges. Ken tries to tell him both his girlfriend and his ex are nominees, and Mr. Nelson tells him he’ll just have to try that much harder to remain neutral. Wow, this guy is useless. Ken calls Melissa that night to tell her, and she says they should just not talk until the whole thing is over. Then she hangs up on him. Ken starts rethinking this whole Melissa-girlfriend situation.

All the nominees need two faculty recommendations, and Maria is pissed when Tia gets the drama teacher to write one for her because drama is her thing. Then there’s an interview with all the student judges and all the nominees, and Maria gets mad at pretty much everything Tia says because she thinks Tia’s not taking it seriously enough. She’s also angry for some reason about how depressed Liz looks during the interview. Oh my god, I hate Maria.

After the interview, Maria actually goes off on Tia for not caring about the scholarship. Good lord. Poor Tia feels bad because she really doesn’t know where she wants to go or what she wants to major in, so she thinks Maria is right; she doesn’t deserve to win. In the hallway later, Ken wishes Maria luck, and she totally flips out, telling him she doesn’t need his pity and the only reason he’s on the panel is because football is so overrated at Sweet Valley High. She says if Will hadn’t gotten hurt, he’d be the one judging instead of Ken. Then she storms off. Okay, so Maria’s not just a bitch, she’s a super crazy psycho bitch.

That night, Tia has an argument with her still unsupportive parents, and she realizes she really doesn’t want to go to an east coast school and have to deal with all the other requirements the scholarship puts on its recipient. She decides to drop out of the competition. She gets to school early the next morning and tells Mr. Nelson, and then she runs into Maria, who tells her she’s also decided to drop out because she’s ashamed of the way she’s been acting (as well she should be) and she’s realized her friends are more important than the scholarship. Tia tells her she just dropped out so Maria should stay in the game.

Everyone goes to Mrs. Senate’s house for a dinner where the winner will be announced. And it’s Maria. Of course it is. Just so you know, there were two other girls nominated, Hannah and Leah, but it wasn’t hard to figure out neither one of them was going to win. Anyway, Ken is glad his vote was anonymous because he voted for Maria. Melissa feels better when she tells herself Maria might have gotten the scholarship, but Melissa has her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Will is yearning for the day he can rejoin the football team and make Melissa fall in love with him again so he can turn his back on her. It’s enough to make you feel warm and fuzzy, isn’t it?

Some non-scholarship stuff: Jade’s father is at her apartment when she gets home from cheerleading one night. He’s been living in Oregon since the divorce and Jade hasn’t heard from him in four years. He comes in and looks around the cluttered apartment in disgust, and then tells Jade he wants to take her to dinner on Friday night. During dinner, he starts asking questions about her mom, and Jade says Ms. Wu has to work a lot because someone doesn’t send child support checks. Jade wakes up the next morning to find her father in the kitchen yelling at her mother. He doesn’t like the way Jade’s being raised, so he’s suing for custody. What a dick.

Quotes:

“In a lot of ways that poor little potato” – [Evan] pointed directly at Jade’s French fries – “symbolizes the reckless consumerism that plagues America.”

Dude, they’re just fries.

The Cover and Title: I don’t get what the title is supposed to mean, and I don’t get why the three of them are posing like that. Why does Liz look so happy? And I know she’s probably wearing a dress, but I can’t help imagining her outfit is, like, some kind of awful jumpsuit with pants.

Ooh, maybe the title is about Maria being a straight up bitch.

16 Comments

Shannon, April 12th 2010 | Tags: ,
Posted in 2. Senior Year

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #23: Falling Apart

The Moral of the Story: Homecoming is the best time to start making out with your ex-boyfriend’s best friend.

The Big Deal: Homecoming

Synopsis:

Conner’s father has left him alone pretty much all weekend, and Conner’s annoyed by his lack of interest. He goes to a park and drinks the bottle of vodka he had in his trunk, and then he goes to the bar where he and his dad got drunk together the other night. He’s feeling pretty good until some redneck puts a country song on the jukebox. Conner flips out and tries to attack the guy, but he’s too drunk and his swing totally misses. The bartender shoves him into a booth where he just sort of puts his head down and spaces out for a while, and a little while later his father comes and drags him away. He puts him in a car, and then Conner blacks out.

Conner wakes up the next morning in a hospital bed. His father looks disgusted as he explains that Conner drank so much he got alcohol poisoning and could have died. The boy finally gets it through his fat head that he has a problem, and he calls his mother and tells her he’s coming home and wants to check into rehab.

Back in Sweet Valley, Liz is sitting around feeling sorry for herself and avoiding Evan’s calls because she doesn’t know what to say to him. Jessica is angry about all the time Liz has been spending with Evan because she doesn’t think Liz should be pursuing a guy Jessica used to date. Yeah, because Jessica has never done that to Liz. Liz keeps trying to tell herself she doesn’t like Evan that way.

Homecoming is just around the corner and Liz is on the planning committee with Jessica, but quits after Jessica yells at her about Evan. Maria quits because she’d rather mope about her breakup with Ken. Tia tries to quit because she doesn’t want to hang out with Liz after their fight about Evan, but Jessica tells her Liz isn’t on the committee anymore so Tia won’t have to deal with her.

A Wakefield family dinner is interrupted by the doorbell. Liz is shocked to see Conner at the door. She invites him in and he tells her he’s going to rehab. He leans toward her like he’s going to kiss her or something, and she instinctively backs away. She realizes she doesn’t love him anymore and wants him to leave. Conner seems to sense something like that, so he tells her they should take a break. Even though she agrees, Liz is of course pissed off that he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. Whatever.

Tia and Liz apologize to each other, and Tia sort of gives Liz and Evan her blessing. So when Evan asks Liz to the homecoming dance, she accepts. She tells Jessica she’s going with him and can’t figure out why Jessica is so mad. Jessica says she’d been planning on asking Evan to the dance and now she has to go dateless.

Will is still sulking about his knee and refusing to go back to school or let Melissa come over. She finally gets fed up when she calls and his mother says he’s not there even though Melissa can hear him in the background saying he doesn’t want to talk to her. She hangs up, and then Ken calls. He asks her to go to homecoming – just as friends – and Melissa thinks it’s a great way to get back at Will for being such a jackass.

There’s some boring stuff about Andy not doing well in school again and also getting all whiny about the fact that Conner only went to see Liz and Tia in person to tell them he was back and going to rehab, and didn’t come to see Andy at all. In the end, Conner sends Andy an email to apologize that he didn’t have time before leaving for the clinic, and also for blowing him off when Andy came to him with his concerns about being gay. Andy is placated.

Tia, Andy and Jessica go to prom together and have a nice friendly time. Jeremy shows up with Jade, but she’s freaking weird and she spends the whole night dancing with everyone but him. Jessica notices Jeremy standing by himself and goes over to talk to him. She doesn’t want to be a bitch, so she tries to tell him to work things out with Jade even though she really wants him for herself. So selfless. Of course, Jeremy is sickened by the way Jade’s acting and doesn’t even care about her anymore, and he’s bummed that Jessica is so obviously over him. Ugh. Liz and Evan dance together and then kiss in the middle of the dance floor.

The Cover: Liz is brooding, I guess. You know, ‘cause she’s Falling Apart.

12 Comments

Shannon, April 7th 2010 | Tags: , , , ,
Posted in 2. Senior Year

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #22: So Not Me

The Moral of the Story: Talking about your feelings is no fun. Try to make the boy guess what you want from him.

Synopsis:

So of course Conner isn’t putting up with some crappy intervention. He walks right out the door, gets back in his car and drives off while Tia chases him down the street. When he gets home that night, he goes to his closet for his vodka bottle (hello, Mrs. Sandborn, maybe you should check your alcoholic son’s room for alcohol). Stuck to the bottom of the bottle is a postcard that must have been on the closet floor. Conner’s father sent it to him after he left eleven years ago. The postcard is from Red Bluff, which is only a four hour drive away. Conner takes off to find his father first thing the next morning, but leaves a note for Megan telling her not to worry. Megan goes to school and shows the note to Liz and the gang. When Andy finds out, he can’t help thinking what a jerk Conner is, putting his friends and family through so much crap. But when he says something to that effect, everyone is all taken aback and offended. Because Conner is just, like, so cool, you know?

Andy is pretty well fed up with his friends because he really needs to talk to someone about his own problems. He wants to tell his parents he’s gay, but he doesn’t know how to do it and it’s stressing him out. When people see him looking haggard, they just assume he’s upset about Conner, and when he tries to broach the subject with Liz and Evan, they tell him they don’t care that he’s gay, nothing’s changed. Well, Andy feels like he has changed and nobody will talk to him about it, goddammit.

Six comes up to Andy after a meeting of the Outdoors Club and asks him what’s wrong. When she says it sounds like Conner’s being flaky, Andy knows this is someone he can actually talk to. He tells her he’s gay and she says all the right things. She gives him some advice about telling his parents, and Andy goes home feeling better than he has in weeks. Good job, Six. Andy finally works up the nerve to talk to his parents, and they’re incredibly understanding. Hooray for Sweet Valley’s first set of decent parents!

Jade tells her mom about Jeremy, and Ms. Wu thinks it must be serious because Jade is acting like she actually cares about the guy. Then Jade drops off a present for Jeremy at House of Java, and one of the guys there teases her about how serious the relationship is. Jade is annoyed because she’s a party girl who doesn’t get serious. She and Jeremy go to a party together and she tells herself the standoffish way Jeremy is acting is totally what she wants in a guy. After a while she realizes she’s just kidding herself and she really wants to be Jeremy’s girlfriend. They go out to celebrate the two week anniversary of their first date, but Jeremy thinks it’s a joke while Jade is totally serious. She buys a sexy black dress and new earrings, and she’s confused when Jeremy just takes her to First and Ten and then home. They give each other cards and then Jeremy goes home. Jade’s note is long and mushy and says she wants to be Jeremy’s girlfriend. Jeremy’s note says, “These have been the best two weeks of my life – or was it three? Whatever. Let’s do it again sometime.” When Jade reads that and realizes Jeremy isn’t anywhere near as serious about her as she is about him.

Conner finds his dad’s name in Red Bluff’s phone book and goes to his house and knocks on the door. Mr. McDermott doesn’t recognize him, of course, and he doesn’t really know how to act when Conner tells him who he is. He asks after Conner’s mom and then tells Conner he can crash with him for a little while. Conner’s okay with the less than Kodak moment reception because the only reason he’s really here is to get away from El Carro. He and his dad end up going to a bar and getting drunk together, so Conner figures he made the right choice in coming to Red Bluff.

Liz has been a wreck since Conner took off, and Evan has been there to offer support whenever she needs it. Tia says something about all the time Liz and Evan are spending together, and Liz totally goes off on her and says they’re just friends, not like Tia and Conner were supposed to be just friends when they made out. Tia gets pissed and goes to Andy’s to vent. Andy has had enough. He tells her to shut up and that he told his parents he was gay without any support from his so-called friends. Tia feels terrible and takes Andy to House of Java, where she asks him all about what his parents said and lets him talk about himself for the rest of the night. Well, isn’t that magnanimous of her.

Evan and Liz go to a movie and then for ice cream and it’s all just wonderful. When he takes her home, Evan leans across the car to open Liz’s door for her, and that’s when Liz realizes she wants nothing more than to kiss him. She goes in for the kiss, but then freaks out and runs inside.

The Cover: This cover is a little different. Most of them are posed shots of someone looking directly at the camera. I don’t know what’s going on here, but Jeremy sure looks like he’s having a good time.

12 Comments

Shannon, April 5th 2010 | Tags: , ,
Posted in 2. Senior Year

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #20: Nothing is Forever

The Moral of the Story: If you want to be the starring quarterback, just make a wish that the current quarterback gets hurt. Sweet Valley is magic like that.

The Big Deal: Football game

Synopsis:

Evan calls Liz and tells her about Conner falling and then passing out the night before. He’s okay. Evan thinks he just passed out from being drunk and he wants Liz to talk to Conner about his problem. He tells her now isn’t the best time because Conner probably has a massive hangover, but Liz goes to his house anyway. When she gets there, Conner just yells at her and tells her to leave. She does, and then Andy comes over. He has no idea what’s going on, and he’s really hurt when he tells Conner he’s gay and Conner just laughs and kind of says, “Of course you are.” Poor Andy, he just wants someone to talk to. Once Andy is gone, Conner digs out his Jack Daniels bottle from under the bed and starts drinking again. You know, just to calm his nerves.

Will and his family are having brunch with the Michigan scout to seal the deal, and Ken sees them go into the restaurant. He’s really bummed because his father is being a jackass, and during an argument he basically told Ken he’s ashamed of him for not being a star football player anymore. Ken starts to feel like he really misses being a starting quarterback and he wishes he was more than just a benchwarmer. There really isn’t anything more to Ken than football, is there?

Jeremy goes to House of Java and apologizes to Jessica for yelling at her the night before. Jessica is relieved, but then Jeremy says he’s going to look for another job. She tries to talk him out of it, but he thinks it’s the best thing to do because he can’t work with Jade anymore. Jessica goes to her boss and tells her about the night Jade called in sick and then showed up with her date. The boss says Jessica has to fire her.

Liz leaves a message for Conner asking him to come to the big football game and talk to her there. Jessica calls Jeremy and asks him to meet her at the game, too. I don’t know why she couldn’t just tell him about firing Jade over the phone, but whatever. Conner shows up drunk. Evan sees him in the parking lot and tries to talk to him, but of course Conner just wants to act like a douchebag. After a cop comes up and says hello to them, Conner realizes he doesn’t want to talk to Liz or anyone else, so he goes home.

Will gets tackled during the game and breaks his leg. He gets rushed to the hospital, and the coach puts Ken in. He throws the ball in a super awesome way or something (I have never even watched a football game, so forgive my lack of knowledge), and the crowd goes wild. Sweet Valley wins, and Ken’s dad – there to cover the game for the paper – comes up to Ken with a big smile on his face. Ken is pissed because he feels like he shouldn’t have to play football for his dad to like him, and he turns his back on him. Maria says something to Mr. Matthews about the fact that he gave up on Ken, and he snaps at her, implying that she won’t like Ken anymore now that he’s going to be playing regularly. That’s a sharp blow, because Maria was just worrying about that herself.

Liz is upset that Conner never showed at the game and Jessica is upset that Jeremy didn’t show, either. Will wakes up in the hospital the next morning and Melissa tells him the doctor doesn’t think he’ll ever play football again.

The Cover: I thought for sure this book was going to be about Melissa and Will breaking up, but I guess it’s really about football. Whatever.

24 Comments

Shannon, March 31st 2010 | Tags: , , ,
Posted in 2. Senior Year

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #16: Three Girls and a Guy

The Moral of the Story: If you work too much, your boyfriend is going to make out with some other chick.

Synopsis:

Andy is starting to get seriously annoying. He picks up Six for a date and gets totally flustered because she’s showing a little cleavage. And not just flustered, but scared. He still doesn’t know exactly how he feels about her so he’s basically afraid to be alone with her because then she might try to make out with him or something. In the car after dinner, Six starts unbuttoning her shirt and Andy just about has a heart attack. He goes to sleep that night wondering why he’s not attracted to Six. Andy, I’d like you to meet Tom McKay. I think you two might have a lot in common.

Conner is still being a whiny little bitch about Liz’s job. And I guess he kind of has a reason to be: his mom is coming home from rehab and he really wants Liz to be there for moral support the night before she gets there. Surprise, surprise, Liz has to work, so Conner walks over to Tia’s in the pouring rain. Tia gives him some of Angel’s old sweats to change into while Conner’s clothes dry, and they start talking about the fact that Conner’s afraid of what his mom is going to be like. They’re sitting very close together and looking very intense when Liz suddenly bursts in to surprise Conner. She gets a little weirded out when Tia and Conner nervously say they were just talking.

Ken’s father’s girlfriend, Asha, apologizes to Ken for her and Mr. Matthews missing the awards banquet on Friday night. She insists on making dinner for the Matthews men on Monday night. Maria comes over and gets along great with Asha, but then Ken’s dad calls and says he has to work late and won’t be able to make it. Asha looks really disappointed and Ken is pissed at his dad because it seems like he’s just avoiding his girlfriend. He’s a senior reporter and he should have been able to delegate the assignment that made him miss dinner.  A couple days later, Ken wakes up in the morning feeling really good about his father’s relationship, but when he goes down to breakfast, some woman who is not Asha is hanging out in Mr. Matthews’ bathrobe. Gross.

Andy goes on a couple more dates with Six, but it’s becoming increasingly obvious to him that he’s just not at all attracted to her. He does have a great time talking to Six’s brother, Travis, but doesn’t think anything of it until he notices himself checking Travis out and his heart actually skips a beat. He eventually comes to terms with the possibility that he might be gay, and he manages to break things off with Six without hurting her too much.

Tia comes to the mall the next day to see Liz on her break, and she gets really uncomfortable when Liz starts interrogating her about what she and Conner were talking about the night before. Liz is really upset that she’s not involved in every aspect of Conner’s life, and she’s a little jealous of the closeness Conner and Tia share. Meanwhile, Conner’s mother comes home and actually seems better. She cooks for the first time in years and makes Conner’s favorite dinner. Conner is feeling pretty good about this and calls Liz later to tell her all about it. Mrs. Wakefield says Liz is at work, so Conner sighs and calls Tia. They meet at House of Java, and Tia can’t believe how upbeat and happy Conner seems. She gives him a hug and is shocked when she feels a less than platonic emotion.

Maria decides to stick her nose in where it doesn’t belong and tell Conner that Liz is feeling insecure about him talking to Tia and not her about all his home stuff. Conner dwells on it all day and gets angrier and angrier that Liz has been talking to Maria about what’s going on with his mom. They’re supposed to go out that night, but Conner calls and says he’s sick because he doesn’t want to deal with her. He goes to Tia’s instead and they fall asleep watching a movie. They wake up facing each other in the morning and suddenly start kissing. They both think maybe they should stop, but it just feels too good. Inevitably, Liz barges in (doesn’t she ever knock?) and starts crying when she sees them. Then Mrs. Ramirez comes into the room and sees Conner and Tia in bed together. This is bad news, folks.

The Cover: This is the cheesiest picture. Does Liz’s hat say “LOL?” And I hate Conner’s stupid face. And Maria’s. I think this is the worst one yet.

11 Comments

Shannon, March 22nd 2010 | Tags: , ,
Posted in 2. Senior Year

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #12: Bad Girl

The Moral of the Story: If you ground your kids, they’ll sneak out and try to drunkenly skinny-dip at a party.

The Big Deal: Party at Cherie’s

Synopsis:

Liz gets called to the office on Monday morning and is told to go see the guidance counselor, Mr. Valasquez. He says a lot of her teachers have expressed concern because she’s been getting bad grades, skipping Oracle meetings and daydreaming in class. Liz doesn’t want to tell Mr. Valasquez that it’s all because she’s so depressed over Conner (a fact that makes me absolutely sick, by the way), so she tells him it’s all because of the earthquake and living at Fowler Crest and stuff. She actually feels better once she gets it all out and she doesn’t understand why Mr. Valasquez wants her to come back next week. When Liz gets home that night, her parents say Mr. Valasquez called them and they want to know why she didn’t just tell them she’s been having such a hard time. Alice gets really upset for some reason and starts yelling. She says she scheduled a meeting with Mr. Valasquez for all three of them for the next day. Alice is doing some actual parenting? I might die from the shock of it.

Megan Sandborn seems to be under the impression that her parents are going to get back together when her mom gets out of rehab. Conner tries to tell her that’s not going to happen because Gary, her father, isn’t going to want to stick around. Megan and Conner have a big fight and Conner realizes she’ll never listen to him about Gary. He thinks the only person Megan will listen to is Liz. He finds her at school and tells her what’s going on, and of course the whole time he’s talking to her he can’t think of anything but kissing her. But as soon as Liz says she’ll talk to Megan, Conner just turns around and walks away. What the hell is wrong with these people?

With Maria’s help, Ken turns in an excellent English paper and gets complimented by his teacher. To celebrate, he and Maria decide to go see a movie. When Ken takes her home, all he wants to do is kiss her, but he can’t seem to work up the nerve. They go to a street fair the next day and Ken wins Maria a teddy bear, which she promptly gives away to a five-year-old who comes up to her screaming that she wants a stuffed animal. Ken feels like an ass.

Liz is in a really great mood after Conner’s plea for help, and she decides to take Megan out after school. They go to Casey’s for ice cream, and after just a few minutes, Liz remembers she’s supposed to be meeting her parents at Mr. Valasquez’s office. She drives Megan home and then goes straight home because it’s too late to try to meet her parents at the school. When she gets home, Ned hollers at her because Alice is worried sick and driving around looking for her. Ned tells Liz she’s grounded for the next two weeks. Wow, now Ned is getting in on the parenting stuff. This is insane.

Will and Jessica are totally together now and everyone knows it, including Melissa. Cherie is having a big deal party and everyone besides Jessica is going to be there, so Melissa thinks it should be a good opportunity to steal Will back. Sadly for her, Will isn’t interested in going any place Jessica isn’t welcome. How sweet. You’re still a jackass.

Conner is all angry because he overheard Gary telling his girlfriend she could come stay at the Sandborn house while he’s there, so Conner calmly tells him he doesn’t think that’s a good idea because it would upset Megan. Gary says he won’t ask his girlfriend to move in, just as long as Conner behaves himself. Then the next night, the girlfriend – Alicia – shows up for dinner and Gary announces she’s moving in. Megan flips out and runs upstairs to her room. Conner goes to her room later that night and finds a note saying she can’t live with Gary and Alicia. Conner has no idea how long she’s been gone or where she might be. As you can probably guess, Megan is at Liz’s. She rode there on her bike and is now crying on Liz’s shoulder. Liz gets to do some shoulder-patting, so that’s pretty cool. Conner finally thinks to go to Liz’s, and when he gets there and rings the doorbell, Mrs. Wakefield acts like a bitch and says he can’t come in. Then Liz and Megan come downstairs and Alice tells Liz to meet her in the other room when her friends are gone. Conner yells at Liz for not forcing Megan to call home, and then Alice yells at her for having a friend over when she’s supposed to be grounded. She adds another week to Liz’s sentence. Liz decides she’s not cool with that, so she sneaks out to go to Cherie’s party.

Ken and Maria go out to dinner, and Maria starts to panic a little when she realizes they’re at a very romantic restaurant. Apparently, she’s an idiot and hasn’t noticed that Ken is interested in her. When he tries to feed her a bite of his pasta, she asks him if he thinks they’re on a date. He asks her what she thinks they’ve been doing all week. They don’t know how to proceed, so they just leave and go to Cherie’s party.

At the party, Ken gets roped into a conversation with Gina, and that makes Maria jealous so she dances with Aaron. That makes Ken jealous, so he dances with Cherie. Maria cuts in and says they have to talk, but they end up kissing instead. Meanwhile, Liz decides to get drunk. Tia and Andy try to take her home, but she gives them the slip when she says she has to go to the bathroom. She’s just about to take off her clothes and jump into the pool when everyone starts running away because there are police sirens coming closer. Conner is just pulling up when he sees Liz stumbling down the driveway. He can tell she’s drunk and he wants to get to her before the police do. He grabs her arm and shoves her in the car. After he drives her a little way down the street, he stops the car and apologizes for being a jerk earlier. Then he kisses her.

Quotes:

Mr. Collins glanced up from the paper, his warm brown eyes looking surprised.

What happened to Mr. Collins’ crinkly blue eyes?

The Cover: Hello, extreme close-up.

12 Comments

Shannon, March 12th 2010 | Tags: , , ,
Posted in 2. Senior Year
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