Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: Oh, hey, unpopular kids have talents, too!

The Big Deal: Basketball and Booster tryouts

Synopsis:

The Unicorns have gotten the okay to start a middle school cheerleading squad, but Ms. Langberg tells them they have to have open auditions. Liz is shocked when Amy says she wants to try out, and Jessica can’t believe people like Amy even have the nerve to sign up. Liz tries as hard as she can to talk Amy out of auditioning, but Amy says she’s become a master at the baton and she’s confident she’ll get on the squad.

At the first round of tryouts, Amy pretends she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Liz assumes she’s changed her mind. Meanwhile, on the other side of the gym, the boys are trying out for the basketball team. Ken Matthews enters the gym and Bruce Patman immediately starts calling him “midget” and teasing him. Ken is short, you guys. Coach Cassels makes things even worse when he mistakes a tall kid for Ken, because Ken’s dad was his favorite player ever and Mr. Matthews was tall.

Ken is really bad at basketball, but Liz takes him home with her and gets Steven to show him a few things. He still totally sucks, but then Liz has the brilliant idea of having Ken practice with a tennis ball. For some reason, Ken finds this easier and pretty soon he and Liz are having a grand time bouncing around their tennis balls. And that’s when Bruce rides by on his bike and makes fun of Ken for playing tennis-ball with a girl.

The next day at school, Bruce tells everyone that Liz and Ken are a couple. And everyone cares. Jessica is totally freaked out about how this makes her look, and Amy is sad because she kind of likes Ken. Liz refuses to set everyone straight because she’s stubborn like that.

Lila calls Amy one night and tells her not to try out for the Boosters, and she’s scandalized when Amy hangs up on her. As payback, Jessica forges a note from Ken to Amy, telling her to drop out. Then she writes a love letter from Amy to Ken. Amy is smart enough to know her note is from the Unicorns, but Ken is kind of dumb and he gets all freaked out when he thinks Amy’s in love with him.

Liz overhears Lila and Ellen talking about the letters and about how they’re going to get that rotten Amy Sutton once and for all, so she goes running off to find Amy and warn her. She finds Ken along the way and explains the love letter thing to him, and then she finds Amy and tells her the Unicorns are planning to do something awful to her so she should just drop out of auditions. Amy ain’t havin’ that.

The Unicorns call each girl forward to do a “he’s our man” cheer with them. Their big plan to “get Amy” consists of telling her to cheer for Ken and then making her do the cheer alone. Meanwhile, Ken is on the other side of the gym for basketball tryouts. While Bruce Patman points and laughs at Amy, Ken steals the ball and does super awesome things with it. Amy does the cheer again and then goes into a big baton routine. She ends with a flourish just as Ken sinks the basketball. Ken makes the team and the Unicorns beg Amy to be on the Boosters.

Quotes:

“I’m really sorry, Ken.”

“What for? You didn’t write it.”

Elizabeth nodded. “I know, but Jessica did. So I feel partly to blame for it. That’s one of the consequences of being a twin.”

That’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard.

The Cover: Amy’s shirt is like five times too big for her, and holy cow, mom jeans.

The Big Deal: Big Mesa party

Synopsis:

To sum up the last book: Melissa is furious because she assumes Tia and Jessica tattled on her to Coach Laufeld and that’s why Tia was named captain. Jessica is heartbroken because she assumes the other cheerleaders told Jeremy about her reputation and now he’ll never want to talk to her again.

Tia and the gang go to a movie on Saturday night and Maria invites herself along in the hopes that Conner will join them. Sadly for her, Conner decides to stay home and have pizza and play Monopoly with Liz and Megan. Maria talks about Conner all night and Tia and Andy finally tell her they know she’s not over him and the chances of her getting him back are slim. Meanwhile, Liz and Conner almost share a moment, but Liz gets nervous and makes things awkward.

Jeremy gets home Saturday night and finds a For Sale sign in front of the house. He’s pissed at his father for failing to get a job and at his mother for putting the house up for sale. Everything sucks until he goes to work the next morning and finds Jessica there. Liz felt bad about getting her fired from Healthy, so she talked to the manager of House of Java and got them to let Jessica work there in her place from now on. Jeremy and Jessica flirt for a while and she realizes the other cheerleaders must not have said anything to him. Jeremy asks Jessica to go to a party with him on Friday, but Jessica gets shy and says she can’t.

Maria is paired up with Ken Matthews on a history project, which kind of sucks for her because Ken has been a zombie since Olivia died. He’s quit the football team and stopped hanging out with people. He doesn’t show up for their study date in the library on Monday afternoon, and Maria finally decides to bail and head over to Andy’s house. He’s having people over and Maria wants to see Conner. When she gets to the school parking lot, she finds one of her tires flat. Conner comes out of nowhere and gives her a ride to Andy’s, but then he just drops her off and goes home. The next morning, Ken tells her to do whatever she wants on the project, but he won’t be helping.

Jeremy asks Jessica again if she wants to go to the party with him, and she says she can’t because she has to finish a project for her drama class. She’s supposed to cut out pictures from magazines and make a collage that shows who she really is. She tells Jeremy she’s having a lot of trouble with it. Later that night, Jeremy sees a bunch of his mom’s magazines and gets inspired. He makes a collage for Jessica and when he gives it to her, she starts crying and asks if he really sees her as beautiful, delicate, perfect and whatever else the collage says. He says he does and she says she’ll go to the party with him.

Jessica goes to the Sandborns’ house Thursday morning and has breakfast with Liz. They get to talking about Conner and Jessica realizes Liz likes him. That day at lunch, Maria opens Liz’s notebook to find that day’s English assignment. She sees Conner’s name written all over the place, right alongside some horrible love poetry. She doesn’t say anything, but seethes about it all afternoon. By the time she gets to the library to meet Ken, she’s livid. Ken asks her what her problem is, and she goes off on him, screeching about Elizabeth and what a bad friend she is. Ken, grateful that someone else is having a problem and not trying to get him to snap out of his misery, takes an interest and tells Maria to just talk to Liz.

Liz has to read her crappy love poem out loud in creative writing class. It’s obviously about Conner, and he stops her after class so they can talk about it. They end up kissing. Maria has chosen this moment to confront Liz. She and Ken come upon them right after the kiss, while they’re standing really close together. Maria can tell there’s something going on between them, but Ken says he doesn’t see anything.

Jessica is having a great time at the party Friday night, but then, of course, Will and Melissa show up with Melissa’s bitchy friends. Cherie calls Jessica a slut and starts to make a scene. Will tells Melissa to make them stop or he’s leaving. Melissa doesn’t do anything, so Will takes off. Jessica has been a big hit all night with the Big Mesa kids, and they surround Melissa, Cherie and Gina and tell them to get lost. When Jeremy turns around, Jessica is gone. He searches the whole house but can’t find her. He goes outside and thinks he sees her, but just then his mother comes driving up. She says Jeremy’s father has had a heart attack.

The Cover: So this is Jeremy. He’s much cuter than either Conner or Will.

The Big Deal: Football game, party at Andy’s

Synopsis:

Jessica has a meeting with Coach Laufeld, who tells her if someone hadn’t told her Jessica was sick, she’d have been really worried about her when she didn’t show up for the pep rally and probably would have kicked her off the squad. Jessica thinks the whole squad hates her, so she wonders who bailed her out. Jessica hasn’t spoken to Liz since the night before at the Riot, so Liz calls her mother and tells her she’ll pick Jessica up. After practice, Liz runs into Tia, who offers to hang around and explain herself to Jessica. Jessica doesn’t want to hear it at first, but Tia tells her Melissa and Cherie lied to her to make sure Jessica didn’t get to the pep rally. She hugs Jessica and tells the twins she wants to do something to get back at Melissa.

Tia goes up to Melissa the next day and yells at her in front of everyone. Melissa insists she didn’t do anything wrong and tries to cry on Will’s shoulder later about how mean Tia’s being, but Will says he overheard Melissa and Cherie planning to sabotage Jessica. He asks why she can’t stop being so mean to Jessica, but Melissa just starts sobbing and asks Will to take her home. Will starts thinking it might be time to break up.

Liz asks for Tia’s advice about Conner, but makes sure to keep it anonymous. She says she has a big crush on a guy who treats her like crap, and Tia says she should kiss him to find out if there are any sparks. While Liz sits there fantasizing and wondering if she would ever have the guts to do that, Tia hopes her advice helps Liz and Conner get together because of course she knows that’s who Liz is talking about.

At lunch one day, Maria insists on sitting with Conner and his friends so she can show him how over him she is. Conner says his guitar teacher is the lead guitarist in some band that’s opening for Silver Chair on Friday (I don’t know if that’s supposed to be Silverchair or some other made up band), and he’s given Conner free tickets and backstage passes. Liz says she wants to go, so Maria says she does, too. Liz can tell Maria is totally not over Conner. Liz is supposed to work Friday night, so she asks Jessica to cover for her. Jessica says that’s fine as long as Liz covers for her on Saturday afternoon.

Melissa and Will make plans to meet for dinner Thursday night, but Will doesn’t show. She calls his house, but his mom says he’s at his friend Josh’s. So Melissa calls over there and he blows her off, saying he forgot about dinner and now he’s promised the guys he’d play basketball with them. Melissa is furious, so she makes him hang out with her and her friends on Friday at House of Java, which pisses him off because it’s the night before the first football game of the year and he wants to be hanging out at Todd’s with the rest of the team. He finally realizes he can just get up and leave, so that’s what he does. Melissa is pissed.

There’s some guy named Jeremy Aames who goes to Big Mesa and works at House of Java with Elizabeth. His dad lost his job a year ago and Jeremy hasn’t told anyone because he wants everyone to think his family is perfect or something. Anyway, Liz has told him about Jessica covering for her so he can help her out Friday night, but she apparently didn’t tell Jessica she told him. Jessica keeps calling him Justin, and Jeremy keeps pretending he thinks she’s Liz. Lila and Amy walk in and Jessica turns pale and runs off to the bathroom. All in all, though, Jessica has a good night. It’s the first time she’s been out of the house in a while and Jeremy flirts with her. After work, Jessica admits she’s not Elizabeth, and Jeremy says he knew all along.

The concert sucks because Maria spends the whole night trying to make Conner jealous by flirting with his friend Evan, who spends the night trying to get Liz’s attention. Liz doesn’t notice Evan because she’s too busy noticing how sickening Maria is being and hoping Conner isn’t jealous of her flirting with Evan. She doesn’t get home until like three in the morning, and she calls Jessica to ask her to cover her morning shift at the coffeehouse. Jessica is more than happy to hang out with Jeremy again.

Liz gets a call from Andy the next day. He invites her over to hang out at the pool and says everyone will be there, including Maria and Conner. Liz can’t stand the thought of Maria and Conner being in the same place at the same time, so she dolls herself up with a bunch of makeup and puts on a skimpy bikini and goes to the party. Conner ignores her the whole time, but Evan and Andy try to get her to play volleyball. She says no, so they throw her in the pool. When she surfaces, Conner is laughing at her and Liz realizes her mascara has run. Maria takes her inside to fix her face.

Jessica goes to the high school Saturday afternoon for the football game and sees Jeremy in a Big Mesa football uniform. They talk for a minute, and then all the other cheerleaders show up and start whispering when they see her talking to a guy. Jessica runs away and the other cheerleaders go meet the coach, who has promised she’s going to announce who she’s assigning captain. She gives the title to Tia, and Melissa and her friends assume she and Jessica must have told the coach they lied to Jessica about the pep rally. Jessica, who decided to just skip the game, wanders over to Healthy, which is I guess the name of the place where she works. Her boss fires her for not showing up for her shift, the one Liz was supposed to cover.

Melissa’s in a bad mood because she got a message from Will asking her to meet him after the game because he wants to talk. When Melissa never comes outside after the game, Will goes back inside and finds her surrounded by her friends, crying. She tells him Tia and Jessica told on her so Tia would be named captain. Will starts to say that doesn’t make sense, but Melissa starts crying harder and saying Jessica’s trying to steal everything from her. Will knows that if Tia and Jessica tattled they would only be telling the truth, but he thinks it’s his fault that Melissa has become such a bitch and he decides he has to stay with her.

After washing her face, Liz gets in the Jeep to leave Andy’s party, and Conner jumps into the passenger seat. He asks Liz if Maria is okay since she’s been acting weird lately. Liz drops her keys between Conner’s seat and the center console, and they both reach for them at the same time. They kiss the biggest kiss of their lives, and then Conner says he has to go.

Quotes:

“Jessica, is everything okay?” Mrs. Wakefield asked… “You just seem a bit down lately.”

Alice Wakefield, as observant a parent as ever.

The Cover: Ew, horrible kissy face cover that looks like just about every teenage girl on Myspace.

Synopsis:

Alice and Ned take the twins to First and Ten, a sports bar and grill where Maria works, to have dinner and catch up. Conner comes in to see Maria and Liz gets all antsy and weird when her parents insist on an introduction.

When Jessica and her parents get back to Fowler Crest after dinner, Jessica runs upstairs to find Lila. Even though they live in the same house, Jessica hasn’t seen Lila since Friday night when she chose to stay at Riot with Melissa instead of leave with Jessica. She asks Lila what the hell is going on, and Lila says she can’t believe Jessica would try to steal Melissa’s boyfriend and then rub her face in it. She’s apparently forgotten that Jessica didn’t do either of those things.

Jessica stays home from school on Monday because she just can’t face seeing anyone. This unfortunately means she’s going to miss the first cheerleading practice, which won’t look good since she and Melissa are both up for captain. Oh, well. At lunch, Melissa and her minions talk about Jessica and spread more gossip. Will can’t stand it. He really cares about Jessica (really?) and feels bad for her, but he doesn’t want to defend her and make Melissa angry. Wuss.

Liz goes to Fowler Crest after school to convince Jessica that giving up is just admitting defeat. She says Jessica needs to get her act together in time for the upcoming pep rally, where she can show everyone what she’s made of. But at cheerleading practice, Lila and Amy purposely drop her during a stunt. Jessica leaves practice, and Tia yells at Melissa, accusing her of putting Lila and Amy up to it. The next day, Jessica decides she just can’t stand the thought of going to practice, so she asks Tia to tell the coach she couldn’t make it. She goes to the parking lot to get in the Jeep and go home, and Will comes running up to her. He kind of tries to apologize, and Jessica gets pissed and almost runs him over. Anger is just what Jessica needed, and now she’s decided she’s not going to let Melissa walk all over her.

In an attempt to get over Conner, Liz goes through her diaries from last year and old notes from Todd to remind herself that she was really in love with Todd and the way she feels about Conner is just a passing phase. That doesn’t work because all the diary entries and notes are from times when she’d cheated on Todd or he was mad at her about something. She decides to go to Conner’s bedroom because she knows he’s a slob and his messy room will turn her off. It works at first, but then she sees his bookshelf, which is full of pretty leather-bound books. Desperate to get over the guy, Liz actually picks up a dirty t-shirt from the floor…and smells it. I’m so grossed out. But it doesn’t smell bad, it just smells like Conner, and now Liz is hopelessly in love with him.

Conner is getting annoyed with Maria already because he apparently can’t stay in a relationship for more than two days. She’s meek and timid and lets him decide everything, and he wishes she would stand up for herself and show some backbone. Meanwhile, Maria is falling in love with him. She calls him and wants to know where she stands, so Conner tells her he was just having a little fun and he’s not having fun anymore. Maria meets Liz at the coffeehouse and tells her the whole sad story, and even though Liz is overjoyed that Conner is now single, she’s really upset that he hurt Maria so badly. When she gets home, she yells at him for being such a jackass. Then she runs upstairs and slams her door. Conner is totally turned on.

The cheerleaders decide to meet at Melissa’s house and caravan to the pep rally, but the night before the rally, Melissa and Cherie plan to call everyone except Jessica to say they’re going to just meet at the gym. Will overhears their plans and leaves a note in Jessica’s locker telling her what’s really going on, but I guess he doesn’t know it’s Friday afternoon and she’s not going to be coming back to her locker before the rally. He’s real smart.

Conner has been taking guitar lessons for years, and his instructor has landed him a gig at House of Java, where Liz works. He’s all closemouthed about it, so Tia takes it upon herself to make sure everyone shows up to cheer him on. Friday night comes and the House of Java is packed. Conner plays like a rock star and impresses everyone, especially Liz when he plays the song he wrote about her. After his set, he breaks away from everyone congratulating him and offers to give Liz a ride home. When they get to the house, Conner leans over and Liz thinks he’s going to kiss her, but he just opens her door. She gets out and Conner is glad he stopped himself from kissing her because it just would have ended the same way it ended with Maria and he likes Liz too much to let that happen.

Saturday night rolls around and Jessica drives all the way out to Melissa’s house in El Carro to meet the cheerleading squad, who is, of course, at the gym already. Since Tia is the one who told her to go to Melissa’s, she now thinks Tia is just as bad as everyone else. Meanwhile, Tia is at the gym, totally disgusted that Melissa and Cherie would make Jessica miss the pep rally. Jessica gets to the gym just in time to see the squad run out onto the court. She goes outside to go back home, but Will sees her and follows her. Again, he apologizes, and again, Jessica tells him to leave her alone.

Liz goes to Fowler Crest after the rally to cheer Jessica up and invite her to hang out with her and her friends the next day. So Jessica goes to meet her at the Riot and gets totally upset when she sees her with Tia. She yells at Tia for trying to get her kicked off the squad and then at Liz for hanging out with the enemy.

The Cover: Is that supposed to be Conner? I’m so not impressed.

Synopsis:

The rumors Will and Melissa have been spreading about Jessica are getting out of hand. Half the school is laughing at her behind her back, and “Jessica is a slut” is written across blackboards throughout the school. Lila’s playing both sides. She knows the El Carro kids are going to end up being important so she wants to get on their good side to remain popular, but she does feel kind of bad about hanging out with the girl who’s making Jessica’s life miserable.

Liz and Conner still have big crushes on each other, but for some reason they both feel like they need to keep pretending they hate each other. It’s annoying. Liz starts getting cozy with Conner’s friends and she hangs out with them one night while Conner picks up his alcoholic mother from the country club where she’s making a scene.  Liz has been neglecting Maria and Enid while she hangs out with Andy, Tia and Tia’s boyfriend, Angel, and Maria is getting sick of it. Liz finally invites her to join them at Riot, some crappy club the El Carro kids go to, and Maria gets all emo when Liz doesn’t devote her undivided attention to her. Maria goes to the second floor to get something to drink, and she runs into Conner. They start talking and hit it off. When Maria meets Liz outside the club later, she’s all starry eyed over Conner. When she says she and Conner kissed, Liz feels like throwing up.

Liz tells Tia about Maria and Conner, and Tia says Conner kind of sucks at relationships. Instead of wiping her brow because she dodged a bullet or feeling bad for her friend, Liz hopes this means Conner and Maria will break up soon. The next day at school, Liz tells Maria what Tia said and tells her Conner doesn’t really care about her. Maria thinks Liz is being a bitch because she doesn’t like Conner.

Cheerleading tryouts are coming up and Melissa Fox wants to be captain of the squad. The day of the tryouts, all the hopefuls practice their moves in the courtyard at lunch. This is apparently some kind of tradition. Melissa and her friends make sure to practice near Jessica and try to intimidate her. During tryouts, Jessica does great on the cheering part, but when she starts to do the dance sequence, she finds Melissa has switched her tape with another, and she has to try to do the routine to some unfamiliar song she hasn’t practiced with. She does a horrible job, but the coach takes pity on her and lets her on the squad.

The new cheerleaders go to the Riot to celebrate. Jessica decides she should just go and apologize to Melissa, explain she didn’t know Will had a girlfriend. But when she gets there, Melissa just glares at her, and her friend, Cherie, calls Jessica a slut. Jessica says she’s leaving and asks Lila, Amy and Annie to come with her, but they just look down at the table. Jessica leaves by herself and runs into Todd in the parking lot. Happy to see a familiar face, Jessica asks Todd why everyone is being so mean to her. He asks her what she expected would happen when she slept with another girl’s boyfriend.

Liz gets home from her job at the coffeehouse one day and sees Conner and Maria making out on the couch. She calls Enid and asks if she can move in with her. Enid’s wearing camouflage shirts with peasant skirts these days and hanging out with some pale girl who carries a lunchbox, and she doesn’t sound all that jazzed about the idea of Liz staying with her. She says she’ll ask her mom, though. That night, Liz wakes up when Conner comes into her bedroom. He’s about to kiss her, but Liz realizes he’s drunk and snaps him out of it.  He goes back to his room, and the next day Liz tells Enid not to worry about it, she’ll just stay at the Sandborns’ house. Enid looks relieved.

There’s some stuff I don’t care about going on with Tia and her boyfriend, Angel. He’s leaving for Stanford in January, so Tia’s feeling sad. She decides to break up with him because she just won’t be able to handle the heartache of seeing him leave. But then she makes the cheerleading squad and Angel comes over to take her out to celebrate and Tia realizes she can’t just dump him because he’s the sweetest guy ever.

Mr. Collins is the Oracle’s adviser again. I guess he just missed the first day of school or something.

Quotes:

“I had the best night. Ileana and I went over to Judith’s house and had a Xena marathon. Judith has, like, every episode on tape. Then we went on-line and hung out in this chat room with these really cute guys. I mean, they sounded like really cute guys.” Enid giggled.

It seems the ghostwriters have given up and are just going to let Enid embrace her inner nerd.

The Cover: I’m guessing crooked-head-girl must be Melissa. She just looks like a bitch. And if that’s Will back there, I’m totally not getting the appeal. These covers suck.

The Moral of the Story: Sweet Valley High needs to start doing psych evals on potential cheerleaders.

The Big Deal: Big basketball tournament

Synopsis:

In the prologue, the SVH cheerleading squad is tied up in somebody’s basement, which is filling with water while “Free Bird” plays on a radio upstairs. Oh boy. I can’t wait to see how this happened…

One day, Liz is called to the principal’s office after school. Mr. Cooper introduces her to Diane and Brad, a writer and photographer from Scoop magazine. They’re in Sweet Valley because they’re going to write an article about “The Girls of Seventy-Six.” The “Girls” are the SVH cheerleading squad of 1976, who did nothing more extraordinary than win the state competition that year. Diane happened to be on that squad, but I still can’t imagine why a national magazine would care about it. Anyway, the article is a “where are they now?” kind of thing, and Mr. Cooper has offered Liz up as a research assistant. In exchange, she’ll get a credit in the magazine.

Liz leaves for the library to start her research right away. Brad follows her and obnoxiously starts flirting and asking her where da party at. He’s confused and thinks Liz is the cheerleader who was just showing off for him on the football field. Just so you’re aware, Brad is the best looking guy we’ve ever seen. Liz gets rid of him. In the library, she tells Ms. Swanson, the new shy library assistant, all about the article. We can assume Ms. Swanson mysteriously has something to do with the Girls of Seventy-Six because she wears hippie clothes, says things like “far out,” listens to classic rock and has a bad reaction to Liz’s talk about the article.

Jessica and her cheerleaders are all upset because the school board just made a rule that all school activities must now have a faculty adviser. Finally! They can’t think of anyone who would still let them do sexy moves and wear skimpy outfits and this pains them. Liz suggests Ms. Swanson. Jessica thinks that’s a great idea because she figures she’ll be too shy to tell the cheerleaders what to do. At her very first practice, Ms. Swanson starts to get weird when she confuses the cheerleaders with the Girls of Seventy-Six. Meanwhile, Liz finds out there was another girl on the ’76 squad who dropped out because she had some kind of weird disease. Of course, nobody remembers her name, but I’ll bet you anything it’s Nancy Swanson. Anyway, all this research is taking up too much of Liz’s time and Todd gets pissy like he always does and they have a big fight.

Amy and Jade don’t show up for cheerleading practice on Friday, but Nancy tells the rest of the squad that she sent them up the coast to pick up the new uniforms. Later that night, Nancy sits in her beanbag chair listening to her Doobie Brothers records loud enough to drown out the noises coming from her basement. She remembers being seventeen and suddenly having this unnamed mysterious disease that makes her twitch and stuff. The other girls kicked her off the cheerleading squad and one of them Loretta, stole her boyfriend, George. So I guess it all traumatized her so bad that she wants to punish the current cheerleaders. Whatever. I mean, that’s pretty shitty, but don’t be a crazed maniac because of it. The next day, she kidnaps Heather and throws her in the basement with Amy and Jade. Amy’s and Heather’s mothers both call Jessica to find out if she knows where their daughters might be, but Jessica is too wrapped up in her dates with Brad to concern herself with such things.

Liz accompanies Diane and Brad to Gina Bari’s house. Gina’s sister is Loretta, the captain of the ’76 squad. She tells our gang that Loretta died shortly after graduation, but that she was never the same after “the accident.” Apparently, Loretta and George were driving around when George grabbed the wheel and steered the car off a bridge. George died instantly, and later there was some mysterious ugly girl whose name nobody can remember on Loretta’s front lawn screaming at Loretta for killing her boyfriend. The September after she took her squad to nationals, Loretta got drunk and drowned in the quarry. The story gives Liz flashbacks to the accident that killed Sam. She’s all sad and stuff and decides to stop being mad at Todd because she needs him. Todd hangs up on her when she calls. Ha! But damn, they make up the next day.

On Sunday, Annie and Jessica meet at the mall and realize all the other cheerleaders are missing except Lila. Then Jessica goes home and gets pissed that Lila isn’t there like she said she’d be. *facepalm* Jessica is about to get ready for a date with Brad when a car pulls up outside. Lila’s at the wheel and Annie’s in the backseat. Nancy is in the passenger seat and she tells Jessica to hop in so they can talk. Jessica says she has to be somewhere else, but Nancy pulls out a gun and tells her she’d better just go ahead and get in the fucking car.

So now we’ve caught up to the prologue. The cheerleaders are in the basement and “Free Bird” is playing upstairs while water pours out of a pipe. For some reason, when none of the cheerleaders come home Sunday night, all their parents come to the conclusion that they’re at Maria’s house having a big party because her parents are out of town. Nobody goes over there or anything, but they take the fact that nobody is answering the phone there as proof of this party. Then, when all the cheerleaders skip school on Monday, everyone thinks they’re just a bunch of wild and crazy gals. Nobody worries.

Jessica manages to get herself untied and she unties everyone else. They all gather at the top of the stairs near the apparently watertight door, but the water level is still rising. Liz shows up because she had a flash of brilliance and deduced that Nancy was the missing cheerleader from 1976 and she wants to talk to her for the article. When she gets there, all that happens is that she gets thrown into the basement with the others. Well done.

Since Nancy seems to be living in the past and keeps calling the cheerleaders by the names of the girls on the ’76 squad, Liz comes up with the idea of going along with it and pretending they want Nancy on the squad. The plan gets Amy’s Project-Youth-volunteer seal of approval, so they all start chanting some cheer and then yelling for Nancy to join them. Finally, Nancy opens the door and the water rushes out and knocks her over. The cheerleaders go free and Nancy gets arrested. Hooray!

I guess that’ll show the school board what happens when you try to impose a little adult supervision over the cheerleaders.

Quotes:

“Cowabunga! Brad is looking better and better every minute!”

Did anyone besides Ninja Turtles ever actually say “cowabunga?” Especially as late as October of 1997?

“Why can’t he cut me a little slack now and then when I’m working on a writing project that matters to me? He does this every single time!”

He really does. Maybe it’s time to BREAK UP!!

The Cover: Very compelling picture, I guess. But not really what happened in the book.

Read the rest of this miniseries: Part one, part two.

The Moral of the Story: You can totally win the cheerleading competition if you make sure the better squad gets disqualified.

The Big Deal: National cheerleading competition

Synopsis:

The cheerleaders win the state championships, but Jessica is all pissed off when Heather makes a speech and acts like it’s her squad. Liz is still cheerleading even though the only reason she joined the squad was so Jessica wouldn’t tell Todd about her and Ken and, well, now that cat’s out of the bag. After Heather’s speech, Jessica runs off to cry about it, and the other cheerleaders lift Liz up in victory, thinking she’s Jessica. Jessica cries about it some more.

Liz tries to apologize to Jessica and explain the whole Ken situation, but Jessica is convinced that Liz was trying to steal her boyfriend to get back at her for blackmailing her. She tries to talk to Todd, too, but he’s not interested in making up. When the cheerleaders get on their bus to head up to Yosemite for the national competition, both Ken and Todd are all sad. Todd realizes he really does love Liz, but now he’s messed everything up. He bumps into Ken and they start shoving each other. From the sidelines, Bruce tells them the Wakefields aren’t worth fighting over, so Todd and Ken join forces and tackle Bruce. After a talking-to from Chrome Dome, Todd and Ken make up. They decide to drive up to Yosemite and get their twins back. They take Winston with them.

At the cheerleading compound, The Sweet Valley squad is assigned to share a cabin with the Alabama squad. Southern stereotypes ensue. When Heather’s old squad from Reno shows up, Heather gets all freaked out. In her bed, she finds a newspaper clipping detailing the circumstances under which she was kicked off her old squad. There is also a note from Marissa James, the Reno squad’s current captain, telling Heather to meet her outside. The next day, Heather messes up in all the routines and it’s obvious to me that Marissa is blackmailing her into losing.

The stupid boys get to the compound but can’t get in because there are no boys allowed. Let’s just forget about the fact that lots of cheerleading squads have boys on them, and also that friends and family members generally come to these things to watch. Whatever. The boys start heading back home, but then have a great idea. They’re going to dress as girls. Guys, the girls will be back on Monday. Just hang on.

I hate this.

Jessica is sick of Heather screwing everything up, so she decides to kick her off the squad. They end up having an argument, of course, and Heather tells Jessica the whole story about how she cheated on a math exam and got kicked off her old squad, and now Marissa James is blackmailing her. Heather confesses to the whole squad, and they all decide Marissa James is the devil and they’re going to beat her stupid squad. The SVH squad tries to leave their cabin for the next morning’s competitions, but Marissa has locked the door from the outside and sealed all the windows shut. Todd, Ken and Winston are worried when the girls don’t show up before the competition starts, so they go off looking for them and find the cabin. They open the door and all the girls make fun of their horrible disguises.

Later that day, the sight of the boys in their cheerleading uniforms is too much for the twins and they start laughing so hard they have to hold on to each other to keep from falling over. (I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard that I’ve fallen down. It sounds like fun.) Just like that, the twins are friends again and they decide to play a joke on the boys. Before their final performance, the twins run on stage and call Todd, Ken and Winston to the floor to do a routine. The boys, of course, suck at it. When they start sliding all over the floor, the girls realize the Reno squad must have done something. They tell the referee what they think, and the Reno squad admits to pouring baby oil all over the floor. In the end, the Reno squad is disqualified and the Sweet Valley squad comes in second place. Then the twins make up with their boyfriends and everyone is happy. Hooray!

Quotes:

Elizabeth gritted her teeth…She felt like screaming out for everyone to hear: “If you weren’t blackmailing me, I wouldn’t come near your stupid squad!” But of course Elizabeth couldn’t say anything. Jessica had her over a barrel.

Liz, honey. Todd already knows about you and Ken. It’s the reason you’re broken up right now. Nothing will change if you quit the squad.

He had forgiven Elizabeth when she’d had a fling with Luke the summer she was in London. Of course, he’d had a little fling of his own. But this was different.

Oh, you guys. Just break up already.

Suddenly a face popped out the door. “Well, hi, y’all!” exclaimed a big freckle-faced southern girl, waving as the Sweet Valley High cheerleaders approached their cabin.

“C’mon in!” said another friendly-looking girl, propping the door of the cabin wide open. “We’ve been waitin’ for you to arrive. Kept wonderin’ where the girls from California were! I’m Wilhemina, and this is Peggy May.”

Of course you are.

“If Ken can’t distinguish me from my sister, then he must not really love me.”

Do I have to define the word “identical” for you?

The Cover: Ooh, sparkly! It’s funny, of all the numerous descriptions in the book about the uniforms, I don’t think any of them looked like that.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: One week of cheerleading and Liz’s life is ruined.

The Big Deal: Regional cheerleading competition, party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Jessica is still upset about not being a cheerleader anymore, so Ken suggests she start her own squad. She gets Maria, Sandy and Lila on board, and then Patty Gilbert and Jade Wu because they can dance. Jessica really wants Liz on the squad, even though cheerleading goes against all her feministic ideals. Lila bets Jessica that she won’t be able to get Liz to join, and then has to buy the new squad’s uniforms when Jessica blackmails Liz, saying she’ll tell Todd about Liz’s fling with Ken if she doesn’t pick up some pom-poms and get to cheering.

Jessica gets a pretty good turnout at her first practice, but she kind of freaks out when she tells the girls to work on herkies and nobody knows what she’s talking about. She’s all worked up because Heather’s squad is going to regionals and Jessica only has a week to make her squad good enough to qualify. Liz hates everything about it, but after an argument with Heather, she decides to give it her all and help Jessica out. A few days later, Jessica tries to sit with Amy, Annie and Jean (Helen seems to have disappeared again) at lunch, but they tell her Heather doesn’t want them to be friends with Jessica, and might even kick them off the squad if they’re seen talking to her.

George Herkie

Liz gets pages and pages of inner dialogue. “Blah, blah, Ken. Blah, blah, Todd.” She’s so confused about her feelings, and the only way she can make out with Todd one night is to pretend he’s Ken. Then she feels terribly guilty for doing that and cries some more and wonders if she’s still in love with Ken and more blah blah blah and for the fuck of shit (™), would you just stop your whining already? Jeez. At a cheerleading practice, Liz is so upset that Ken is there to see Jessica and not her that she suddenly runs and does a round-off and two back handsprings. Seriously? Okay. I used to dance and tumble and all that good stuff and I know there’s just no way that this chick who sits around writing for the newspaper, never doing anything more physical than swimming at the occasional pool party, can possibly pull this kind of tumbling run out of her ass like this. Fucking Wakefield twins. They have to be good at everything. Sorry. The damned Wakefield twins get my Irish up sometimes.

A week goes by. Heather watches Jessica’s squad practice and is surprised to see they’re actually good. She tells Amy it’s too bad that only one squad from each school can go to regionals and the original squad was already chosen. When Jessica finds out, she calls the scout, Mr. Jenkins, to try to get him to reconsider. He says no, so Jessica gets her squad together and they all drive out to Mr. Jenkins’ house in Bridgewater and perform their routine on his front yard. He’s very impressed, but still won’t send them to regionals since he already gave the spot to Heather. Dejected, the girls drive back to Sweet Valley. They hear on the radio that Sweet Valley is losing the football game currently going on. Jessica figures that since they’re already in uniform, they should stop by and put on a show. Jessica goes to the sound booth and gives the girl there the tape with her routine’s music on it and says to play it at halftime. They perform better than ever while Heather, Amy, Annie and Jean stand on the sidelines looking like idiots. Of course, Sweet Valley goes on to win the game.

The whole school ends up at the Dairi Burger after the game. After Amy screams at Jessica for embarrassing her and then leaves, everyone else tells Jessica how awesome her squad was. Everyone thinks hers should be the official Sweet Valley squad, so Jessica goes to talk to Mr. Cooper about it on Monday. Old Chrome Dome says the two squads can hold a cheer-off the next day.

More of Liz worrying about Ken. She decides she has to tell Todd about her fling, but before she can do it, Todd starts going on about how happy Jessica and Ken seem to be and what a good friend Ken is. Liz decides she simply can’t tell Todd about her and Ken.

The day of the cheer-off, Amy apologizes to Jessica for everything and says she still wants to be friends, no matter which squad wins. The cheer-off results in a tie, but Mr. Jenkins is there and he says Sweet Valley can go to regionals if the two squads merge. Both Jessica and Heather hate that idea and they decide nobody is going to regionals.

The rest of the cheerleaders really want to go so they come up with a plan. They go to Jessica and Heather separately and tell each that the other has stepped down as captain so the squads can merge. They get to practicing, but the two captains can’t stop fighting. When they get to the competition and start warming up, Heather and Jessica have another argument and start to walk off, but Amy and Liz tell them to shut the fuck up or go home, the rest of the squad is performing either way. Jessica and Heather call a truce. Just before the squad is about to go on, Ken puts his arms around Liz, thinking she’s Jessica, and wishes her luck. Heather sees them, but doesn’t say anything.

Sweet Valley wins the competition. Are you totally surprised? I know I am. When the judges announce “co-captains Heather Mallone and Jessica Wakefield,” both girls get all pissed off again and try to quit (because they hadn’t already figured out they were tricked). Once again, Liz and Amy step in and tell them to shut the fuck up and go get the fucking trophy.

That night, Liz pretends to be Jessica so she can go out with Ken. As soon as they start making out, though, Liz realizes she really wants Todd and Ken realizes he’s kissing Liz. They have a long talk about their feelings. Ken says he was drawn to Jessica at first because she looked like Liz, but he really is in love with her. Liz and Ken decide to go to Todd’s house together and explain everything.

Lila is throwing a party to celebrate winning regionals. Heather comes up to Jessica and says she saw Ken and Liz getting pretty friendly at the competition earlier. Jessica races home and notices her brand new outfit is missing. She calls Todd, but he says Liz decided to stay home that night. Jessica figures out that Liz is out with Ken and she’s super pissed. When Liz and Ken get to Todd’s house to tell him the truth, Jessica is already there with Liz’s diary. Neither Todd nor Jessica wants to speak to Liz or Ken.

Quotes:

“Girls should play sports on their own, not just sit on the sidelines cheering on the guys!”

Shut up, Liz. Cheerleading is a sport, yabitch.

“What drew me to Jessica at first was the fact that she was your identical twin sister. I could almost pretend she was you.”

My god, this whole fucking town is so unhealthy. The twins really need to stop making out with the same boys.

The Cover: Liz (I think) looks like she’s having an awful lot of fun jumping around with her pom-poms while all the brunettes are shoved into the background. That must be Heather and possibly Amy spying on Jessica’s squad and pointing at them.

The Moral of the Story: Anyone prettier than a Wakefield must be evil.

The Big Deal: Beach barbecue, party at Amy’s, party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

After yet another win for the Sweet Valley High football team, the whole gang gathers at the Dairi Burger, where everyone congratulates Jessica and the other cheerleaders on what a great job they did leading the team to victory. Everyone gets quiet when a really pretty girl walks in, orders some food and leaves. As soon as she’s gone, everyone starts talking about how beautiful she was. Jessica hates the girl instantly and hopes she never sees her again. Later, at a celebratory party on the beach, Ken and Jessica start making out. Liz sees them and does not approve. She’s all jealous and wonders if she still has feelings for Ken.

When Jessica gets to school on Monday, she finds out the pretty girl from the Dairi Burger is a new student. Her name is Heather Mallone and everyone besides Jessica is immediately in love with her. When Heather says she wants to be on the cheerleading squad, Jessica decides to come up with a bunch of tests she’ll have to pass. On Tuesday, Heather has to sit with the chess club geeks at lunch (they help her with her homework and become friends with her). On Wednesday, she has to wear overalls and a cowboy hat to school (everyone tells her how great it is that she wears what she wants and that she can really pull off “that grunge look that’s so in style these days”). On Thursday, she has to sing the national anthem in homeroom (she has a beautiful voice and everyone wants to hear her sing more songs). After all that, the squad puts it to a vote and Jessica tries really hard to convince everyone Heather shouldn’t be on the squad. Nobody listens to her.

Liz is still freaking out about the Ken situation. She goes to Mr. Collins for advice, using the old “my friend has a problem” bit. Mr. Collins says Liz’s “friend” needs to resolve her feelings for the guy, but Liz just isn’t sure how to do that. She goes to the beach and finds Robin there. Robin is upset because her father got a job transfer to Denver and the Wilsons have to move. When the rest of the squad finds out, they take a vote and make Heather the new co-captain while Jessica sits there sputtering in protest.

Liz can’t get over this whole thing with Ken, so she tries to make Jessica paranoid about him, implying that he might not like her as much as she thinks. Jessica dismisses everything Liz says. Amy throws a going away party for Robin, and Heather shows up and starts flirting with Ken. Jessica “accidentally” knocks Heather into the pool. Liz watches Ken and Jessica dance and gets jealous. God, she’s obnoxious.

Jessica comes down with a fever and has to miss a cheerleading practice. Maria calls that night crying because Heather kicked her and Sandy off the squad. Jessica is sure the other girls won’t stand for this, but Heather has them brainwashed into thinking she can take them to nationals if they’ll just do everything she says. Heather introduces a new diet and exercise regime. She says the girls have to jog three miles every day, lift weights for an hour every day and cut all fat out of their diets. Anyone caught eating fat will be kicked off the squad. Jessica can’t believe the rest of the squad goes along with this.

Liz sits at home Friday night looking through her secret cigar box full of treasures. In this box is a framed picture of Liz and Ken kissing in a photo booth. Liz is mooning over it and being all sad when Jessica comes home. She tries to tell Liz all about her awesome date with Ken, but Liz freaks out and leaves the room. Confused, Jessica lies back on Liz’s bed and finds the picture under the pillow.

The next day is a big football game, and Jessica is horrified when the cheerleaders start doing a cheer she’s never seen before. She yells at Heather and tells everyone she quits. Ken drags her out for ice cream later and tries to get her to go to the party Lila’s having, but Jessica is upset about the squad and about Ken kissing Liz, so she asks him to take her home. While Liz is at the party, Jessica snoops around until she finds Liz’s diary. She reads all about Ken and gets all upset that Ken and Liz had “an affair.”

Quotes:

“She’s certainly creating a big stir,” Helen Bradley said…

I thought Helen Bradley moved to L.A. a long, long time ago. Didn’t Amy Sutton move into Helen’s old house?

“As you know, I’m not crazy about Jessica…”

This is the second or third time Todd has said something like this. Methinks he doth protest too much.

“As you know, I don’t usually pay much attention to cheerleading, but I did notice that the crowds were more enthusiastic than usual at yesterday’s game.”

Shut up, Liz. Something about this quote just irks the hell out of me.

The Cover: I really kind of love Heather for putting her pom in front of Jessica’s face.

The moral of the story: Your boyfriend doesn’t need to apologize for spending all his time with gorgeous coeds. If you don’t like it, that’s your problem.

The Big Deal: Super Sundae!

Synopsis:

The cheerleaders need to do a fundraiser to refloor the gym, and Robin comes up with the idea of making the world’s largest hot fudge sundae and having people buy servings of it. Jessica thinks it’s a great idea, but later gets annoyed that Robin came up with it instead of her. They’re going to have the event on a Sunday so they can call it Super Sundae. Robin’s been feeling insecure about her weight recently. She still feels like a fat person, and it’s even worse when George isn’t around to make her feel pretty. Sadly, George is going to be taking another flying course (because the last one worked out so well), so he’s not going to have much time for Robin for a while.

George makes a friend in his flying class named Vicky. He tells Robin how smart Vicky is, so Robin assumes she’s really nerdy and ugly. (Don’t worry, Robin berates herself later for her stereotyping.) George wants to bring Vicky with him to meet Robin when he comes to visit over the weekend. Robin would rather be alone with George, but naturally doesn’t tell him so. Robin is shocked when Vicky turns out to be gorgeous. They all go to the Beach Disco. Robin is too miserable to have fun, so she keeps telling Vicky and George to dance together. Then she gets jealous that they’re dancing together. She gets on her scale that night and freaks out because she’s gained three pounds. Convinced she’s going to lose George to Vicky, she decides she needs to start a serious diet.

By her next date with George, Robin has lost eight pounds, but she still thinks she’s fat. She hopes George doesn’t notice her “extra weight.” She needn’t have worried, though, because all George wants to talk about is Vicky. Robin gets depressed and can’t eat her meal, and George can’t figure out what her problem is. He gets annoyed and takes Robin home. Robin starts to get a little bit weird and develops some OCD tendencies. She also turns into a total control freak about the Super Sundae thing and starts bossing the other cheerleaders around.

Robin eventually stops eating altogether and even Jessica starts to worry about her. Robin faints at the Super Sundae thing. Someone calls an ambulance and Robin wakes up in the hospital. Vicky comes to visit her and for some reason tells Robin a sob story about her parents’ divorce. I’m not sure what her point is, but at the end of the conversation, Robin realizes George loves her just as much as he always did. So when she sees George, she apologizes to him for the way she’s been acting. Ugh. Then she tells him she’s anorexic and needs to take a break from the relationship so she can work on herself. Good for you, Robin.

Quotes:

Lois would never be a fashion model, but she clearly had a great relationship with Gene, and her outlook on life was completely optimistic. So what difference did it make if she couldn’t wear size-six jeans? None at all, Elizabeth told herself confidently. None at all.

Lois doesn’t need you to be confident for her, Liz. She doesn’t need your validation. Zark off.

Also, some Douglas Adams for you because I feel like it: By a curious coincidence, “None at all” is exactly how much suspicion the ape-descendant Arthur Dent had that one of his closest friends was not descended from an ape, but was in fact from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse and not from Guildford as he usually claimed.

The Cover: Wow. Robin is WAY hotter than the twins. Best. Cover. Ever.