Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: Couples in Sweet Valley always live happily ever after on Valentine’s Day.

The Big Deal: Valentine’s Day

Synopsis:

It’s Valentine’s Day in Sweet Valley and everyone’s having issues.

Maria and Ken: Maria and Ken are both broke, so they’ve decided not to exchange presents. So when Maria finds a huge bouquet of flowers on her desk, she freaks out and goes crazy trying to think of something she can give Ken in return. She hears a guy talking about some concert tickets he won’t be able to use, and since it’s a band Ken likes she decides to buy them from him for a hundred dollars. Ken, who doesn’t know anything about the bouquet of flowers, is now freaking out because he didn’t get anything for Maria, as per their pact. So he leaves school at lunchtime and buys a pair of earrings Maria admired last week. Now Maria is freaking out AGAIN, so she decides to have some balloons delivered to Ken at school. They finally see each other that night for their date, and Maria realizes the flowers she got that morning had been placed on the wrong desk; they were really for the girl who sits next to her. Maria and Ken have a good laugh and live happily ever after.

Jade and Evan: Evan isn’t all about the love these days because of his parents’ divorce, and he’s just so glad he’s got a gal like Jade who doesn’t get all girly about stuff like Valentine’s Day. Of course, when he sees Jade all decked out in red and pink and going gaga over some other girl’s candygram, he realizes she really does care. He decides he can’t deal with that, so he just avoids her all day. Jade is crushed, but her mother tells her she should just tell Evan she wants to celebrate. So she shows up at his house that night with all his favorite gross health food treats. He apologizes for being a jerk and they live happily ever after.

Tia and Trent: Tia is getting flowers and stuff from a secret admirer. She assumes it’s all from Trent, and she’s pissed that he won’t leave her alone. At lunch, she announces she’s going to drive out to Big Mesa and tell Trent to back off, but Jessica tells her not to. Apparently, all that stuff was really from Jessica. She was just trying to get Tia and Trent back together. Tia is embarrassed and kind of disappointed to find out Trent wasn’t actually trying to get her back. But don’t worry! She gets home that night and finds Trent on her front porch with a bouquet of flowers. They kiss and then live happily ever after.

Andy and Dave: Andy is all depressed because the first guy he’s ever liked doesn’t want to come out of the closet and now he has no valentine. He goes to the park at lunchtime and runs into none other than Dave. They sit there talking for a minute, but then Dave sees some guys from his school and acts all weird. It’s clear to Andy that Dave doesn’t want anyone to think they’re at the park together, and it bugs him so he leaves. Dave shows up at his house that night. He apologizes for being weird at the park and says he’s going to tell his father he’s gay because he really cares about Andy. Andy and Dave live happily ever after.

Melissa and Will: Will has made all these plans for Valentine’s Day and he’s pissed when Melissa says she has to cancel because of a family dinner. Actually, she’s just planning to surprise him at the Tribune office after school, but Will doesn’t know that and he’s pissed. So pissed that he doesn’t think twice before making out with that Erika bitch. And wouldn’t you know it? That’s when Melissa walks in. She can’t believe her perfect boyfriend would do such a thing. Come on, Melissa, it’s not like he hasn’t done it before.

Some creep: There are all these scenes from an unnamed guy’s point of view. He keeps checking out some chick, also unnamed, and thinking about how much he wants to get back together with her. He leaves the mysterious girl a note asking her to meet him at First and Ten that night at six.

Elizabeth: Liz gets the anonymous guy’s note, which says he has a past with her. She can’t think of any ex-boyfriend she’d like to get back together with, but she decides to go to First and Ten anyway. When she gets there and sees who her secret admirer is, she gets really happy. In an attempt at suspense, the ghostwriters have decided not to tell us who it is just yet, but it’s someone Liz apparently didn’t even consider when trying to figure out which ex might want her back.

Quotes:

Couldn’t be, she reasoned. Fairy-tale plot twists weren’t written into the Elizabeth Wakefield life story.

LOLOLOL

The Cover: There is something terribly cheesy about this cover. I hate it.

The Moral of the Story: There is nothing on this planet that will make Liz stop whining.

The Big Deal: Homecoming football game

Synopsis:

Liz wakes up the morning after the homecoming dance all happy about her kiss with Evan. Then she immediately feels uncertain about whether or not she really wants to be with him. I hate Elizabeth. Hate, hate, hate. She tries to talk to Jessica, but Jessica just says a few sarcastic things and then hurries off to the homecoming game.  Once there, she messes up on all her cheers because she’s so busy thinking about Jeremy and Jade. In the locker room, Jade and Jessica start arguing a little, and then Coach Laufeld comes in and says Jade’s mother passed out at work and is in the hospital. Jessica offers her a ride, but Jade snaps at her and leaves.

Ken does some kind of awesome football thing, and Melissa runs up and hugs him. Will sees this because he’s asked his mother to take him to the game. I guess he wanted to surprise Melissa and apologize for being so whiny, but after he sees Ken and Melissa hug, he decides to leave. He’s depressed that the crowd is cheering for Ken and seems to have forgotten about poor crippled Will. The Michigan scout that was courting Will comes up to Ken and sets up a meeting with him. Melissa gives him another hug, and they go out together after Ken wins the game for Sweet Valley.

Maria, Andy and Liz go bowling while everyone else is footballing it up. Liz and Maria are both trying to forget about their love lives, but Maria does eventually ask if Ken went to the dance the night before. Andy and Liz reluctantly tell her he went with Melissa. Then they all realize bowling sucks and decide to go for ice cream instead. Evan calls that night and Liz picks up the phone without screening the call. She doesn’t know what to say and things are awkward, especially when Evan asks her what’s wrong and she says she’s just thinking about Conner. She tells him she wants to be alone for a while and they hang up.

Ken and Melissa go hang out at the beach together and then get some dinner. When Melissa gets home, Will is watching television in the living room. They argue about her going out with Ken after the game. He says he was there for her for five years (you know, except for when he was with Jessica) and he can’t believe she’s ditching him just because he’s not the star quarterback anymore. Melissa says Will hasn’t even spoken to her in days and she’s not going to sit around waiting for him to stop sulking. Will breaks up with her and leaves. Just then Ken calls and asks her to go to dinner, and Melissa accepts.

Jade’s mother is in the hospital because of dehydration and exhaustion. She tells Jade that she’s never home because she’s been working a second job. Jade doesn’t understand why her mother has been lying to her and saying she’s been going on dates. Jade keeps getting fired from all her jobs, so she feels like it’s her fault her mom is in the hospital. Jessica feels bad for her, so she calls Jeremy and tells him he should be with her. Jeremy thinks it’s so nice of Jessica to want to help Jade even though they hate each other. He’s not even interested in Jade anymore, but decides to go see her anyway while her mom is in the hospital. He asks her to go to some Big Mesa award thing, even though he knows it’s a bad idea to stick around just because he feels bad for her.

Ken picks up Melissa for dinner and she tells him she and Will broke up. Ken isn’t sure how he feels about that and he can’t stop thinking about Maria. Then for some reason he leans over and kisses Melissa. She kisses him back and they both stop thinking about their exes for two seconds. Ken has a meeting with the Michigan scout, who tells him he’s a great player, but they’re concerned about the time he took off in the beginning of the year. Ken starts worrying and all he wants to do is call Maria. Well, just call her then, wuss.

On Monday morning, Jade thanks Jessica for sending Jeremy to her house. When Jessica gets to the parking lot after cheerleading practice, Evan is waiting for her at the Jeep. He says he thinks the reason Liz is avoiding him is because Jessica has a problem with the two of them dating. Jessica says she doesn’t care at all and Evan asks her to clear things up with Liz. She gives Liz her blessing, but Liz says she’s thinking going out with Evan is a bad idea that’s just going to get everyone hurt. Because everyone just cares so much about who Liz is dating.

Jade runs into House of Java that night looking for Jeremy. She finds him in the employee lounge and tells him she got a job. They start kissing, and then Jessica comes in. Jade can tell by the stricken look on her face that she’s not over Jeremy, and when she looks at Jeremy, she can tell he’s not over Jessica, either. She decides she’ll just have to make him forget about Jessica because she’s not backing down. She’s all ready for a fight, but Jessica comes over later and says she’s okay with the whole situation. Jade doesn’t know how to react to that. She realizes Jessica has no idea Jeremy is still into her.

Evan finds Liz at her locker the next morning and she tells him she can’t be with him. He’s very understanding and says he hopes they can be friends, and then he walks away. Liz thought she’d feel better, but she just feels lonely. Ugh, do I really have to read twenty-four more books about how sad and lonely Liz is while she has guys throwing themselves at her left and right?

Jade asks Jessica to come to this academic award banquet with her and Jeremy because Jeremy has a friend who needs a date. Jessica is appalled that Jade would ask her to do such a thing, but Jade says it would really mean a lot to Jeremy. Then she goes to Big Mesa and tells Jeremy she knows he doesn’t really want to be with her. When Jessica shows up at Big Mesa later and asks Jeremy where her date and Jade are, they realize Jade set them up. They have a great big sloppy kiss and go inside holding hands.

The Cover: I’m thinking of taking this section out because these covers are so blah.

Synopsis:

Alice and Ned take the twins to First and Ten, a sports bar and grill where Maria works, to have dinner and catch up. Conner comes in to see Maria and Liz gets all antsy and weird when her parents insist on an introduction.

When Jessica and her parents get back to Fowler Crest after dinner, Jessica runs upstairs to find Lila. Even though they live in the same house, Jessica hasn’t seen Lila since Friday night when she chose to stay at Riot with Melissa instead of leave with Jessica. She asks Lila what the hell is going on, and Lila says she can’t believe Jessica would try to steal Melissa’s boyfriend and then rub her face in it. She’s apparently forgotten that Jessica didn’t do either of those things.

Jessica stays home from school on Monday because she just can’t face seeing anyone. This unfortunately means she’s going to miss the first cheerleading practice, which won’t look good since she and Melissa are both up for captain. Oh, well. At lunch, Melissa and her minions talk about Jessica and spread more gossip. Will can’t stand it. He really cares about Jessica (really?) and feels bad for her, but he doesn’t want to defend her and make Melissa angry. Wuss.

Liz goes to Fowler Crest after school to convince Jessica that giving up is just admitting defeat. She says Jessica needs to get her act together in time for the upcoming pep rally, where she can show everyone what she’s made of. But at cheerleading practice, Lila and Amy purposely drop her during a stunt. Jessica leaves practice, and Tia yells at Melissa, accusing her of putting Lila and Amy up to it. The next day, Jessica decides she just can’t stand the thought of going to practice, so she asks Tia to tell the coach she couldn’t make it. She goes to the parking lot to get in the Jeep and go home, and Will comes running up to her. He kind of tries to apologize, and Jessica gets pissed and almost runs him over. Anger is just what Jessica needed, and now she’s decided she’s not going to let Melissa walk all over her.

In an attempt to get over Conner, Liz goes through her diaries from last year and old notes from Todd to remind herself that she was really in love with Todd and the way she feels about Conner is just a passing phase. That doesn’t work because all the diary entries and notes are from times when she’d cheated on Todd or he was mad at her about something. She decides to go to Conner’s bedroom because she knows he’s a slob and his messy room will turn her off. It works at first, but then she sees his bookshelf, which is full of pretty leather-bound books. Desperate to get over the guy, Liz actually picks up a dirty t-shirt from the floor…and smells it. I’m so grossed out. But it doesn’t smell bad, it just smells like Conner, and now Liz is hopelessly in love with him.

Conner is getting annoyed with Maria already because he apparently can’t stay in a relationship for more than two days. She’s meek and timid and lets him decide everything, and he wishes she would stand up for herself and show some backbone. Meanwhile, Maria is falling in love with him. She calls him and wants to know where she stands, so Conner tells her he was just having a little fun and he’s not having fun anymore. Maria meets Liz at the coffeehouse and tells her the whole sad story, and even though Liz is overjoyed that Conner is now single, she’s really upset that he hurt Maria so badly. When she gets home, she yells at him for being such a jackass. Then she runs upstairs and slams her door. Conner is totally turned on.

The cheerleaders decide to meet at Melissa’s house and caravan to the pep rally, but the night before the rally, Melissa and Cherie plan to call everyone except Jessica to say they’re going to just meet at the gym. Will overhears their plans and leaves a note in Jessica’s locker telling her what’s really going on, but I guess he doesn’t know it’s Friday afternoon and she’s not going to be coming back to her locker before the rally. He’s real smart.

Conner has been taking guitar lessons for years, and his instructor has landed him a gig at House of Java, where Liz works. He’s all closemouthed about it, so Tia takes it upon herself to make sure everyone shows up to cheer him on. Friday night comes and the House of Java is packed. Conner plays like a rock star and impresses everyone, especially Liz when he plays the song he wrote about her. After his set, he breaks away from everyone congratulating him and offers to give Liz a ride home. When they get to the house, Conner leans over and Liz thinks he’s going to kiss her, but he just opens her door. She gets out and Conner is glad he stopped himself from kissing her because it just would have ended the same way it ended with Maria and he likes Liz too much to let that happen.

Saturday night rolls around and Jessica drives all the way out to Melissa’s house in El Carro to meet the cheerleading squad, who is, of course, at the gym already. Since Tia is the one who told her to go to Melissa’s, she now thinks Tia is just as bad as everyone else. Meanwhile, Tia is at the gym, totally disgusted that Melissa and Cherie would make Jessica miss the pep rally. Jessica gets to the gym just in time to see the squad run out onto the court. She goes outside to go back home, but Will sees her and follows her. Again, he apologizes, and again, Jessica tells him to leave her alone.

Liz goes to Fowler Crest after the rally to cheer Jessica up and invite her to hang out with her and her friends the next day. So Jessica goes to meet her at the Riot and gets totally upset when she sees her with Tia. She yells at Tia for trying to get her kicked off the squad and then at Liz for hanging out with the enemy.

The Cover: Is that supposed to be Conner? I’m so not impressed.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Screw finding a moral, I barely even know what this one is supposed to be about. This is even worse than the damned werewolf books.

The Big Deal: Brunch party at Lila’s, inter-school fair, dance and talent show

Synopsis:

The morning after the prom, Jessica drags Liz over to Lila’s brunch party so they can confront her about teaming up with Courtney and trying to steal Devon. The three of them start arguing on Lila’s front lawn about who should really get Devon, but then the man himself shows up and tells them all to fuck off. Then Olivia gets there and says she has some important news.

Apparently, it’s a tradition in Sweet Valley to have an inter-school fair the day after prom. It’s a big deal. There’s some kind of contest to get the juniors excited about their senior year, but the details are kept secret until the last minute. Olivia is SVH’s leader, and she tells everyone she just heard that the contest is going to be a talent show. They have two days to put together an awesome act.

Everyone heads on over to Palisades High for the fair. Except they don’t even do any fair-type stuff because they have to work on their talent show act. As soon as they get there, Jessica and Olivia have a run-in with Erica Dixon, the El Carro team’s captain. She’s a total bitch and steals SVH’s practice space for some reason. Jessica is pissed that Olivia is content to just let Erica push her around, so she vows to get even. Then she walks outside and sees Christian Gorman leaning against a tree. And he disappears. Great, just what this series needs: ghosts.

The number SVH puts together for the show is a dance routine to the song Opposites Attract, and it will feature a “good twin, evil twin” theme. Naturally. Olivia has Liz and Devon go to the Wakefields’ house to get stuff from the twins’ rooms that they can use as set dressing to show a contrast between the twins. Things are really awkward between Liz and Devon. Meanwhile, Olivia has the worst self-esteem in the world, and she gets all bent out of shape when Ken hears about the problem with Erica and says he thinks Erica is nice. Everyone eats lunch together and Jessica spills some grape juice on Erica’s shirt. Erica freaks out and threatens to kill everyone. Later, Ken tells Olivia she should apologize to her.

This plot is a freaking mess.

There’s a big dance that night for all the schools. Olivia won’t go because she’s so afraid of seeing Erica. She and Ken have a fight about it and she tells him to go without her and then gets depressed when he actually does it. Jessica has managed to get a date with a Palisades guy named Josh Brighton, and he shows up at the Wakefields’ house with Christian’s ghost, who actually turns out to be Christian’s brother, Jason. After Jessica faints and wakes up, she gets Liz to join them and go to the dance. When they get there, the only nice girl from El Carro’s team, Tia, tells them they’d better go check out their practice area. It’s been totally trashed. Everything has been spray painted with El Carro’s colors. Jessica gets Lila and Maria to agree to sneaking back late that night and trashing El Carro’s stuff. She’s waiting for them to come pick her up, and then suddenly Christian is sitting on her bed. He’s come to remind her that it was a school war just like this one that caused his death. When Lila and Maria show up, Jessica tells them the plan is off.

Deep breaths. Go to a zen place. It’s the only way we’re getting through this. Don’t worry, it’s almost over.

The next day, everyone trudges back to Palisades High to practice some more and to clean up the mess El Carro made. And suddenly, Jessica gets it into her head that she should use the auditorium’s rigging from their last production of Peter Pan to fly down onto the stage as a grand finale. Ken overhears some El Carro kids talking about cutting the ropes, and he finally gets that Erica is a bitch and Olivia was right all along.

That night, Sweet Valley is just about to go on when Jessica starts throwing up. I guess she’s sick and there’s no way she can go on. Everyone is about to call it quits and go home, but Jessica tells Olivia to take her place. Suddenly, Olivia knows how to dance. Erica doesn’t cut the ropes, but she does turn off the lights just as Olivia is climbing the scaffolding to get to the ropes. She falls and ends up hanging from the rafters, and Ken gets to rush in and be all heroic and save her.

A big fight breaks out on stage between El Carro and Sweet Valley. Palisades takes Sweet Valley’s side because I guess they’re allies now. Jessica is back in the projection room with Josh, and she’s sure someone is going to get hurt or killed. A well timed projection of a picture of Christian quiets everyone down. And they all lived happily ever after, except for Todd, who sees everyone hanging out at the Dairi Burger later and gives them all a “hurt look.”

Worst. Book. Ever.

Quotes:

I am not going to let Jessica Wakefield or anyone else destroy my self-confidence! [Olivia] vowed.

Not that they’d have far to go if you did.

He’s really nice – and hot! she thought. I’ll bet Josh could help keep my mind off Christian.

Right. When I start seeing my ex’s ghost, a new boyfriend is just the thing to help me get over it.

Elizabeth listened for her cue, then shimmied toward the center as her twin did the same from the other side. She and Jessica joined hands, then jumped apart, then faced forward and pumped their elbows back. Jessica executed a handspring, and Lila followed. Then Elizabeth and Maria performed perfect leaps.

This dance routine sucks ass.

The Cover: What the hell are you guys wearing?

The Moral of the Story: All it takes to make everyone get along is a party!

The Big Deal: Big dance, big football game, big party

Synopsis:

The book opens with a dance at which the popular students finally seem to realize that there are other kids at Sweet Valley High. A big fight breaks out over what kind of music the DJ should play. The jocks want to hear the Beach Boys so they can dance to it, Justin Belson and the burnouts want some heavy metal, Keith Wagner and the hippies want something with meaningful lyrics and Dana wants some punk. The arguments escalate until finally Tad “Blubber” Johnson punches Justin in the stomach. And this is why the Droids should always perform at school dances.

Mr. Collins says the dance is officially over, so everyone leaves. The jocks end up at Ken’s house, where Jessica has to defend her sister, who dragged Todd off to the Dairi Burger. Olivia goes home and feels sorry for herself because she’s so weird that she doesn’t even know which group she fits into. She gets online and goes to her favorite chatroom, Virtual Hangout. She feels so much more confident under her screen name, Freeverse, because she can just be herself and nobody cares how she dresses. You know, Olivia, your clothes seem to cause you an awful lot of stress. Maybe you should, you know, stop dressing that way. Olivia meets a guy whose screen name is Quarter and they start flirting. Olivia has no idea the Quarter is really Ken, who’s been feeling all sad and lonely since he broke up with Jessica.

Things at school aren’t going very well. Somebody puts a copy of Blubber’s D quality homework on a bulletin board, so the jocks get their revenge by spraypainting “Die, wimps, hippies, punks, and brains,” on the cafeteria wall. Then the hippies put little cards that say “Make Love – Not Football” in everyone’s lockers. It’s all very stupid. Then there’s a big football game. When Blubber goes out on the field, Nicky Shepard (I guess he’s back from San Francisco) starts booing him and calling him stupid. Blubber runs right into the stands and beats the crap out of him. Sweet Valley forfeits the game. Todd and the twins go to Casey’s afterward and Liz gets all bitchy and self-righteous when Jessica and Todd agree that Nicky got what he deserved for being an ass. She accuses them of sticking together just because they’re both jocks. Ken and Olivia each go home to their respective computers after the game, and I’m subjected to like ten pages of their crappy conversation. All you need to know is that they’re falling in e-love. They even have a cyber kiss that was a little uncomfortable to read about.

Freeverse and Quarter think it’s time to meet in person. For some reason, each thinks the other goes to El Carro High, so they decide on an ice cream shop in El Carro. Ken and Olivia get to the place and wave at each other, then they’re both upset when their dates stand them up. Even though Freeverse and Quarter have both explained to each other in detail what they look like, Ken and Olivia don’t get it. They wait a while, and then they each go home and get on their computers. They finally figure it out, and Olivia is pissed that Ken never mentioned online that he played football. For some reason, this matters very much to her and she doesn’t want to talk to him anymore.

Jessica has been stringing along two football players, Danny Porter and Bryce Fisherman. She gets them to agree to a joint date because neither guy wants to leave the other alone with Jessica. The three of them decide to go over to Blubber’s house to see how he’s doing. Blubber is in big trouble. His grades have been going down the tubes, and now with all the violence he’s exhibiting, he’s been suspended from school and the football team. When Jessica, Bryce and Danny get to his house, an ambulance is wheeling him out on a stretcher. He tried to kill himself because of all this crap that’s been going on. Oh, and his parents are splitting up.

The clique war kind of takes a break for a few days while everyone digests what happened to Blubber, but Liz and Olivia are sure it’s only temporary. They decide the best way to fix everything is to have a Walk in Each Other’s Shoes party in the school gym. Everyone has to borrow clothes from someone they wouldn’t normally associate with and wear them to the party. Of course, it’s a huge success. Lila dresses in somebody’s grungy clothes and dances with Justin Belson, who is wearing one of Bruce’s tuxedos. Bruce has borrowed someone’s pocket protector and polyester pants. Keith dresses in Todd’s clothes and wins the heart of Jessica, who is dressed as Dana. Liz wears Lila’s clothes, Todd dresses as Nicky Shepard and Mr. Collins borrows Todd’s basketball uniform, all the better to confuse Liz, I imagine. Oh, Liz and Todd make up, of course.

Olivia wears Claire’s football uniform and Ken comes dressed as a hippie. Ken apologizes for not being totally honest and Olivia apologizes for being so judgmental. They dance together and, I don’t know, I guess they’re a couple now.

Quotes:

“Hi, all!” Olivia typed. “Anyone ever feel all alone in a room full of people? : (“ She ended with an emoticon, a frowning face that could be read sideways, and then hit enter to send the message.

Yes, I got to learn all about emoticons and LOL and chatrooms and flaming.

Claire had been dating the powerful linebacker since a few weeks after he’d transferred to Sweet Valley High – since just after Jessica refused to go steady with Michael [Lewis].

Oh, I guess this actually happened.

“This is so bizarre,” Enid said. “Everyone usually gets along just fine.”

I know, Enid. It’s much easier for everyone to get along when we can pretend half the students don’t actually exist.

“When [Liz and Todd] are mad at each other, the whole school feels it.”

Ugh. Why?

“And then you kiss me back, Freeverse, long and hard. And nothing has ever rocked me the way your kiss does.”

Ew.

The Cover: I hate this cover. This chick looks like she’s thirty years old and I just don’t see Olivia wearing that. And then on the inside we’ve got some denim tuxedoed guy making her laugh for some reason. Blah.

The Moral of the Story: Sweet Valley High needs to start doing psych evals on potential cheerleaders.

The Big Deal: Big basketball tournament

Synopsis:

In the prologue, the SVH cheerleading squad is tied up in somebody’s basement, which is filling with water while “Free Bird” plays on a radio upstairs. Oh boy. I can’t wait to see how this happened…

One day, Liz is called to the principal’s office after school. Mr. Cooper introduces her to Diane and Brad, a writer and photographer from Scoop magazine. They’re in Sweet Valley because they’re going to write an article about “The Girls of Seventy-Six.” The “Girls” are the SVH cheerleading squad of 1976, who did nothing more extraordinary than win the state competition that year. Diane happened to be on that squad, but I still can’t imagine why a national magazine would care about it. Anyway, the article is a “where are they now?” kind of thing, and Mr. Cooper has offered Liz up as a research assistant. In exchange, she’ll get a credit in the magazine.

Liz leaves for the library to start her research right away. Brad follows her and obnoxiously starts flirting and asking her where da party at. He’s confused and thinks Liz is the cheerleader who was just showing off for him on the football field. Just so you’re aware, Brad is the best looking guy we’ve ever seen. Liz gets rid of him. In the library, she tells Ms. Swanson, the new shy library assistant, all about the article. We can assume Ms. Swanson mysteriously has something to do with the Girls of Seventy-Six because she wears hippie clothes, says things like “far out,” listens to classic rock and has a bad reaction to Liz’s talk about the article.

Jessica and her cheerleaders are all upset because the school board just made a rule that all school activities must now have a faculty adviser. Finally! They can’t think of anyone who would still let them do sexy moves and wear skimpy outfits and this pains them. Liz suggests Ms. Swanson. Jessica thinks that’s a great idea because she figures she’ll be too shy to tell the cheerleaders what to do. At her very first practice, Ms. Swanson starts to get weird when she confuses the cheerleaders with the Girls of Seventy-Six. Meanwhile, Liz finds out there was another girl on the ’76 squad who dropped out because she had some kind of weird disease. Of course, nobody remembers her name, but I’ll bet you anything it’s Nancy Swanson. Anyway, all this research is taking up too much of Liz’s time and Todd gets pissy like he always does and they have a big fight.

Amy and Jade don’t show up for cheerleading practice on Friday, but Nancy tells the rest of the squad that she sent them up the coast to pick up the new uniforms. Later that night, Nancy sits in her beanbag chair listening to her Doobie Brothers records loud enough to drown out the noises coming from her basement. She remembers being seventeen and suddenly having this unnamed mysterious disease that makes her twitch and stuff. The other girls kicked her off the cheerleading squad and one of them Loretta, stole her boyfriend, George. So I guess it all traumatized her so bad that she wants to punish the current cheerleaders. Whatever. I mean, that’s pretty shitty, but don’t be a crazed maniac because of it. The next day, she kidnaps Heather and throws her in the basement with Amy and Jade. Amy’s and Heather’s mothers both call Jessica to find out if she knows where their daughters might be, but Jessica is too wrapped up in her dates with Brad to concern herself with such things.

Liz accompanies Diane and Brad to Gina Bari’s house. Gina’s sister is Loretta, the captain of the ’76 squad. She tells our gang that Loretta died shortly after graduation, but that she was never the same after “the accident.” Apparently, Loretta and George were driving around when George grabbed the wheel and steered the car off a bridge. George died instantly, and later there was some mysterious ugly girl whose name nobody can remember on Loretta’s front lawn screaming at Loretta for killing her boyfriend. The September after she took her squad to nationals, Loretta got drunk and drowned in the quarry. The story gives Liz flashbacks to the accident that killed Sam. She’s all sad and stuff and decides to stop being mad at Todd because she needs him. Todd hangs up on her when she calls. Ha! But damn, they make up the next day.

On Sunday, Annie and Jessica meet at the mall and realize all the other cheerleaders are missing except Lila. Then Jessica goes home and gets pissed that Lila isn’t there like she said she’d be. *facepalm* Jessica is about to get ready for a date with Brad when a car pulls up outside. Lila’s at the wheel and Annie’s in the backseat. Nancy is in the passenger seat and she tells Jessica to hop in so they can talk. Jessica says she has to be somewhere else, but Nancy pulls out a gun and tells her she’d better just go ahead and get in the fucking car.

So now we’ve caught up to the prologue. The cheerleaders are in the basement and “Free Bird” is playing upstairs while water pours out of a pipe. For some reason, when none of the cheerleaders come home Sunday night, all their parents come to the conclusion that they’re at Maria’s house having a big party because her parents are out of town. Nobody goes over there or anything, but they take the fact that nobody is answering the phone there as proof of this party. Then, when all the cheerleaders skip school on Monday, everyone thinks they’re just a bunch of wild and crazy gals. Nobody worries.

Jessica manages to get herself untied and she unties everyone else. They all gather at the top of the stairs near the apparently watertight door, but the water level is still rising. Liz shows up because she had a flash of brilliance and deduced that Nancy was the missing cheerleader from 1976 and she wants to talk to her for the article. When she gets there, all that happens is that she gets thrown into the basement with the others. Well done.

Since Nancy seems to be living in the past and keeps calling the cheerleaders by the names of the girls on the ’76 squad, Liz comes up with the idea of going along with it and pretending they want Nancy on the squad. The plan gets Amy’s Project-Youth-volunteer seal of approval, so they all start chanting some cheer and then yelling for Nancy to join them. Finally, Nancy opens the door and the water rushes out and knocks her over. The cheerleaders go free and Nancy gets arrested. Hooray!

I guess that’ll show the school board what happens when you try to impose a little adult supervision over the cheerleaders.

Quotes:

“Cowabunga! Brad is looking better and better every minute!”

Did anyone besides Ninja Turtles ever actually say “cowabunga?” Especially as late as October of 1997?

“Why can’t he cut me a little slack now and then when I’m working on a writing project that matters to me? He does this every single time!”

He really does. Maybe it’s time to BREAK UP!!

The Cover: Very compelling picture, I guess. But not really what happened in the book.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: If you’re a dumb jock, modeling can ruin your life. If you’re a Wakefield, modeling is the inevitable next stop on your path to stardom.

The Big Deal: Not much happening.

Synopsis:

Liz just caught Todd and Simone the supermodel making out. She runs away and hides in a closet or something, but Todd finds her. She tells him to fuck off and he gets all indignant and stomps away and then goes out with Simone that night. They dance at a nightclub until the wee hours, and Todd gets his picture in Los Angeles Living the next morning. His parents are not amused. Todd’s grounded. Ha.

When Todd gets to the Flair office the next day, he brings some flowers up to Liz’s floor. The receptionist buzzes her, and a second later Liz’s voice comes over the intercom, saying she never wants to see Todd again. Todd is humiliated, but Liz doesn’t care. She saw the picture of him dancing with Simone and she’s pretty upset about it. She’s decided to totally throw herself into her work and become just like Leona, her supervisor who has suddenly turned into a bitch in this book. Liz still likes her, but you and I can tell she’s a condescending and power hungry jerk.

Jessica is supposed to go out with both Quentin and Cameron on Friday night. She would much rather go out with Cameron because she really likes him, but he’s just a lowly mail clerk and can’t do a thing to further Jessica’s career. She doesn’t want to cancel on either guy, so she gets Liz to help her out. They decide to do exactly the same thing they did in Who’s Who? Hooray for recycled plot lines. Liz takes Cameron first and is surprised to find she actually gets along with him. She’s also surprised that someone who works in the mailroom is so comfortable at Chez Paul, the super fancy restaurant at which Jessica insisted on dining because that was where Quentin was taking her. The twins switch places a couple times during dinner. As you might have expected, Quentin is full of himself and no fun at all. At the end of the night, Cameron kisses Liz on the cheek and thanks her for a lovely evening. He calls her Elizabeth, and Liz realizes it was her watch that gave her away. Because people the world over know about the Wakefield twins and their issues with watches.

Leona calls Liz at home over the weekend and says she won’t be in Monday. She’s going out of town with her boyfriend and she wants Liz to take care of things. Liz does a fine job at the office, but then Leona calls again and says she broke her leg and won’t be able to get around for a few days. She wants Liz to go to her house and feed her cats and shit. Liz is in awe of Leona’s closet full of clothes. She gets really creepy and puts on one of Leona’s outfits and then walks around her condo pretending she’s Leona. Weird. Liz finds a tape recorder full of Leona’s notes-to-self. The tape contains dictation for a letter Leona wants to write to Gordon Lewis, Flair’s president or something. The letter makes it clear that Leona wants to steal Liz’s “Free Style” idea and pass it off as her own. Liz is so traumatized that she goes home and becomes almost catatonic. She stays in bed the next morning and doesn’t get up until Reggie, one of the girls from the office, calls and asks her what’s wrong. Reggie convinces Liz to meet her for lunch. Liz tells her everything, and they decide to go to Gordon Lewis themselves and tell him what a horrible person Leona is.

Jessica exposes some film, ruining an entire set of Simone photos. Simone has already left for the day, so Quentin has no choice but to use Jessica as his model. Just so you know, none of this makes any sense. Is Simone the only model who is ever in this magazine? Do Francine and her ghostwriters really think that a photographer and his model just show up at the magazine office every morning, take pictures until five o’clock and then go home? Whatever. Quentin tells Jessica the board loves her pictures and has given the go ahead to use her again if he wants to. Then he tries to kiss her. And wouldn’t you know it, Cameron chooses that moment to walk by. After the fiasco with dinner on Friday, Jessica managed to convince him she doesn’t really like Quentin, but now Cameron tells her she’s out of chances.

While all this has been going on, Todd’s been getting too big for his britches. He doesn’t appreciate being grounded, and when Simone says he’s too old to listen to his parents, Todd agrees to meet her at another club. He gets caught again. He really sucks at breaking rules. Then he misses dinner one night and his parents tell him he needs to stop modeling because they don’t like what it’s doing to him. Todd decides he doesn’t like their rules so he’s just gonna go ahead and move out of their house. Oh man, I can’t wait to see how this turns out.

Quotes:

Elizabeth scowled, feeling like a nobody, a nothing. She felt like her entire self had been made worthless. She could change her interests, but she couldn’t change her looks. She’d never be six feet tall. She’d never look like a supermodel.

Oh, cry me a river. Aren’t you one of those twins with golden hair and a perfect size six figure?

Ever since her obsession with Jonathan Cain, a deranged transfer student who had been at Sweet Valley for a month, [Enid’s] life had been entirely guyless.

Oh, now don’t even try to act like he was just some psycho. You know he was really a vampire.

The Cover: Jessica looks pretty creepy in her weird ugly shoes. This photographer guy looks like he’s about twelve. And why is he just holding that rinky dink camera like that? This is such a stupid cover.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: Jessica Wakefield always gets her man. Especially if Enid is her competition.

The Big Deal: Party at Jonathan’s creepy mansion

Synopsis:

Todd shows up at Liz’s house just in time to see her in Joey’s arms. He gets pissed and gets back in his car. Liz says they can fight later but they have to find Jessica right now. Todd is all, “Fuck off, bitch,” as he drives away. He goes home and rips up his pictures of Liz and decides he’s not going to be Mr. Nice Guy anymore. I really hope this means they’re breaking up for good. Joey and Liz jump in Joey’s car and she explains everything to him on the way to Secca Lake to see if the murder victim is Jessica.

It isn’t. We know this because Jessica is at this moment at Jonathan’s house making out with him. He stops kissing her and tells her to get the out “before it’s too late.” Jessica thinks he’s afraid he won’t be able to resist making out with her or something and just keeps flirting. Jonathan finally gives up and closes the front door. He starts making out with Jessica, but then tells her he can’t get involved with her and she’ll have to leave.

Enid is having Jonathan withdrawals. She drives to his house and curses the Wakefields when she sees the twins’ Jeep out front. She looks in the window and sees Jessica and Jonathan kissing. She gets all discouraged until Jessica runs out of the house, crying. Then she goes inside and Jonathan starts making out with her. This guy gets around. He starts sucking on Enid’s neck and that’s the last thing she remembers until she wakes up in the morning in her bed at home.

At school, good old Chrome Dome Cooper holds an assembly and says the girl who was murdered on Saturday night was a cheerleader from Palisades High. Sweet Valley is going to start enforcing a curfew: nobody under the age of eighteen is allowed out after ten o’clock. After the assembly, Jessica tries to tell Amy and Lila about her makeout session with Jonathan. They start giggling and tell her Jonathan gave Enid a hickey the same night. Ha, remember hickeys?

Todd dyes his hair black and joins the goth movement. Actually, all the guys want to look like Jonathan and have all started wearing black. Even Winston is doing it, though he makes a joke out of it all by wearing black tuxedo jackets with brightly colored ties. I’m starting to love Winston a little bit. The guys think the curfew is a total bummer and they decide to liven things up at SVH by getting Jonathan to throw a party. Jonathan says he doesn’t want to do that, but Todd and Bruce start inviting people anyway.

That night, Jonathan is pacing around his house, all upset because of his “hunger.” He wants Jessica, but she’s too important to him and it’s too dangerous. So he calls Enid and asks her to come over. ‘Cause it wouldn’t really matter if he accidentally killed her in a fit of vampire passion. Jessica calls but he tells her he’s sick. She decides to come over with some homemade chicken soup. This girl doesn’t even know how to do laundry, but she can make her own chicken soup. I’m so sure. When she gets there and sees Enid with her wild hair and smudged lipstick, she throws the thermos of soup at Jonathan and leaves. Enid tries to help him clean up the mess, but he gets pissed and tells her to get out. Jonathan is grateful to Jessica because if she hadn’t shown up, he would have hurt Enid. He’s one of those tortured vampires who really doesn’t want to kill anyone. He just can’t help it. A few nights later, Jessica can’t find Jasmine the cat. She goes outside and finds the cat’s dead body. Ewwww.

Liz has been going out with Joey ever since Todd found them together, but she isn’t sure she really likes him anymore. He’s acting all condescending ever since he started college. And he keeps taking Liz around Sweet Valley and showing her places like Miller’s Point and the Dairi Burger as though Liz hasn’t lived here her whole life. At the Dairi Burger, Joey asks Liz if she wants to do something the next night. Liz promised Jessica she’d go with her to Jonathan’s party, but she doesn’t want to bring Joey and flaunt her relationship with him in front of Todd or something so she lies to him and says she’s going to a movie with Jessica. Then, of course, Caroline Pearce comes over and mentions the party and how much Jessica is looking forward to going. Joey gets pissed and leaves Liz at the restaurant.

Jonathan’s party is just awesome. Jessica sneaks upstairs to meet Jonathan. The lights go out while she’s sitting on his bed. He comes in and they start kissing. Liz is downstairs freaking out. She somehow convinces Todd to help her get the lights back on. They go downstairs and mess with the breakers. When the lights come back on, they hear somebody scream upstairs. They run up and find Amy’s visiting cousin (and Todd’s date), Katrina, dead, her blood drained.

Quotes:

Todd turned up the collar of his black leather jacket and swaggered slowly into the cafeteria on Tuesday at lunchtime, imitating Jonathan’s walk. He was wearing black jeans and a black denim shirt with a white T-shirt underneath. His face was unshaven, and he’d dyed his hair black. Todd’s new look gave him a sense of fresh confidence.

UGH.

The Cover: These kids seem to think this party requires formal dress.

The Moral of the Story: Just one damned vampire will turn a whole town goth.

The Big Deal: The only big deal in this book is Jonathan Cain.

Synopsis:

Ah, jeez. Vampires.

Jessica has gotten a pair of diamond earrings from her grandmother, but she loses one at the Dairi Burger. She and Lila go digging through the Dumpster to try to find it. There’s a dead body underneath all the trash and the dead man has a bite mark on his neck. Gross. When the police get to the scene, they discover the body has been drained of blood.

Liz is all fucked up about Joey Mason, her summer fling. She can’t even stand to be around Todd because she feels so guilty. She ends a date early and Todd spends two pages trying to figure out what he did wrong. When they get to the Wakefields’ house, there’s a police car in the driveway. They run inside and Jessica tells them what happened. She introduces them to Jasmine, a cat she rescued from a tree outside the Dairi Burger. Everyone keeps saying Jasmine is the only witness to the murder.

At school on Monday, Jessica is a superstar and everyone wants to know what happened. Chrome Dome holds an assembly to talk about the murder. Enid sits with Maria and Liz, but Liz ignores her and just talks to Maria. Liz hasn’t told Enid about Joey, so Maria is the only one she can talk to about the fact that Joey will be going to UCLA and be within driving distance of Sweet Valley. Enid feels left out. Mr. Cooper introduces a new student, Jonathan Cain. He’s wearing black leather pants and a black t-shirt and of course he’s totally gorgeous. Enid and Jessica both decide they’re in love with him, and Liz immediately hates him because she recognizes him as the guy that bumped into her that morning and didn’t apologize.

Jessica tries to get Jonathan’s attention in a variety of ways, but he totally ignores her. She sits next to him in French class and passes him a flirtatious note. He passes one back telling her to leave him alone. Jessica gets all excited about what a challenge he’s going to be. Meanwhile, all the girls at school think Jonathan is totally hot and they start dressing like him and painting their nails black and shit. Lila and Jessica think it’s totally gross and stick with their lavender nail polish. Enid tells Liz she wants to dye her hair black, but Liz tells her it’s a stupid idea. Enid goes to the salon anyway and gets her hair dyed and straightened and also learns all about how to apply emo makeup. Liz is annoyed at everyone trying to copy Joey. Even Todd starts wearing black all the time.

Liz comes to a decision: she’s going to forget about Joey. She burns his letter and starts trying to convince herself she’s still in love with Todd, but it’s hard going, especially when she finds a canoe paddle in her locker. Wtf? I guess Joey put it there thinking it would be cute, but I’d sure be creeped out by it.

Enid turns into a creepy stalker and follows Jonathan after school one day to a dilapidated mansion on the outskirts of town. She sees him go inside, but nobody answers when she rings the doorbell and then knocks on the door. She walks around the house and looks in the windows. The house is disgusting and it’s clear nobody lives there. Enid gets freaked out and drives home.

Jessica finally gets Jonathan to give her a ride on his motorcycle. He takes her home and Jessica thinks it’s totally awesome that he knows where she lives. He drops her off, tells her again to leave her alone and then drives off. Liz can’t believe Jessica took a motorcycle ride. Jessica wakes up from a nightmare later and finds her missing earring on her windowsill. Weird. The next day, Jonathan tells Liz to keep Jessica away from him. Liz makes Jessica promise to leave him alone, but Jessica sneaks away on Saturday night while Liz is in the shower. She goes to the address Enid said she had followed Jonathan to.

When Liz gets out of the shower, she hears on the radio that another murder victim has been found. It’s a blond girl at Secca Lake and all her blood has been drained. Liz searches the house for Jessica and realizes she’s not there. She freaks out and does the only thing she can think of: she calls Todd and asks for his help. He says he’ll be right over and Liz panics until she hears a car in the driveway. She opens the door, but it’s Joey. She gives him a big hug and suddenly forgets that her sister might be dead. Of course, that’s the exact moment Todd shows up.

Jessica’s not dead. She’s at Jonathan’s house knocking incessantly on the door. Jonathan finally lets her in. He sets down his goblet of red wine and kisses Jessica. Then he pushes her away and says she should have left him alone.

Quotes:

“We’re trying to get that new guy, Jonathan, to join the basketball team,” Todd told Elizabeth.

Oh, Todd. Goth kids don’t play team sports.

I need new friends, Enid decided. Lynne Henry, Julie Porter, and Jennifer Mitchell, all of whom had also adopted Jonathan’s gothic style of dress, were sitting together at a nearby table.

So basically all the poor girls with no self-confidence are the ones being taken in by this new craze, but perfect and confident twins are immune.

Why can’t he admit that he cares for me?

This is Jessica, after Jonathan has done everything he can possibly do to show that he does not, in fact, care for her.

The Cover: Did anyone else wear those awful velvety black chokers back in the day? I thought I was so totally cool and goth when I wore mine. I imagine Jessica thinks it’s just the thing to make Jonathan fall in love with her. Jonathan looks like a total creeper up there in the window.

The Moral of the Story: If you try to have sex with your girlfriend, an avalanche will get you.

The Big Deal: Ski trip, “welcome back from being trapped in an avalanche” party for Todd

Synopsis:

It’s spring break again and this time we’re off to Colorado for a ski trip. Sixteen students, including the twins, Lila, Enid, Todd and Winston, and two chaperones will be making the trip. Lila and Jessica get themselves a couple of “snow bunny” outfits and vow to break hearts all week long. Todd is feeling horny. Everyone is teasing Liz about all the alone time she’ll have with Todd, but she keeps saying they’re being silly, they’ll have roommates and chaperones to keep them company. Everyone gets on some super duper bus that has bunk beds or something, and they drive through the night. While everyone is sleeping, Todd sneaks up the aisle and lays down next to Liz and spoons her. She wakes up and tells him to go away, then Mr. Collins yells for Todd to get back to his own bunk.

Their first day on the slopes, Lila and Jessica meet a gorgeous ski instructor named Lucas King and start acting like they don’t know how to ski, because everyone knows guys hate chicks that know how to do stuff. Jessica manages to get away from Lila and then finagle Lucas into agreeing to a whole day’s worth of lessons. Lila is pissed. They make a deal. Whoever kisses Lucas first wins, and the loser has to ski down Devil’s Run, the most dangerous slope.

That night, Todd walks Liz upstairs when she says she wants to go to sleep. Inspiration strikes and he says he wants to show her his room. She figures he just wants a more private goodnight kiss, so she goes along. Todd starts getting fresh and Liz’s poor sensibilities just can’t take it when he tells her he’s arranged for Winston to sleep somewhere else that night. She looks horrified and stalks into the bathroom. Todd thinks she just wants to freshen up before they get “more intimate.” He settles onto the bed, looking all smug, and Liz comes out of the bathroom and pours a glass of water in his lap. Todd never takes down the Do Not Disturb sign, so poor Winston has to sleep in the lobby all night.

Liz manages to avoid Todd most of the next day, but he eventually finds her and tries to talk. Liz skis away from the path to get away from him. He follows her, and then there’s an avalanche. He loses Liz, but some thirty-something woman in red who’s been eyeing Todd all day comes along and takes him to a cabin. The woman introduces herself as Cassandra, and Todd thinks over and over again how attractive she is. He tears his eyes away from Cassandra long enough to build a fire and call the ski patrol on the handy radio in the kitchen. Liz is in the ski patrol cabin and she hears his voice so she knows he’s okay, but then the radio goes out and she doesn’t hear anything more.

Cassandra flirts with Todd all evening and he’s all, “But Mrs. Robinson!” He lets her have the bed while he sleeps on the couch. He wakes up in the middle of the night to find this thirty-year-old woman kissing him. He freaks out and pushes her away. Uh, lady? People get arrested for that sort of thing.

Enid is feeling ugly again, like she does anytime she goes anywhere with the Wakefield twins. She’s still sad about her breakup with Hugh and she’s determined to meet some guy on this trip and make him fall in love with her. She has a book called A Hundred and One Ways to be Sassy on the Slopes. Enid does everything the book tells her to do, but she keeps attracting guys she doesn’t like. She’s pretty picky for an ugly loser, don’t you think?

Liz is out of her mind worrying about Todd. She insists on staying in the ski patrol cabin. A ski patrol guy named Dirk lets her stay and pretty much breaks all kinds of rules for her. Liz keeps telling him she wants to go with him to search for Todd and he lets her, even though it’s really dangerous. They eventually figure out which cabin Todd is in, and Liz is the first one through the door after they dig the snow away. She walks in and sees Todd and Cassandra kissing. (Really, Cassandra was kissing Todd and he was trying to get away from her, but let’s not tell Liz.) Later, Liz is sitting in front of the fire in the lobby of the lodge, feeling sorry for herself. Dirk sits next to her and tells her what a jerk Todd is, and then he kisses her. Liz tries to push him away, but then, of course, Todd comes up behind them and starts yelling at Liz. Oh, god, I hate you guys. I’ll save you some suspense and tell you they get back together in the end. Of course.

Lila finds out about a party Lucas is going to and slips away to crash it. Jessica is looking out the window when Lila gets back, and she sees Lucas and Lila kissing. Hooray for Lila getting the guy before Jessica! Jessica starts down Devil’s Run the next day, but Lucas finds out and goes speeding over there, much to Lila’s chagrin, because he still thinks Jessica and Lila are beginners. Jessica is actually doing just fine, but she sees Lucas zooming toward her and gets distracted. She crashes into him, fracturing her ankle and spraining his. Lucas decides to stay at the lodge to be close to the clinic, so the next day, Jessica sneaks over to his room while Lila is skiing. They hang out on the couch and just after they start making out, along comes Lila. Jessica tells her to go away. So Lila pays a room service guy fifty bucks to let her hide under his cart. When he pushes the cart into Lucas’ room, Lila jumps out from under the tablecloth and she and Jessica start screaming at each other. Lucas peaces out. Jessica and Lila find him later at Todd’s Welcome Back party, making out with Enid.

Quotes:

“A snow bunny, Jess?” Elizabeth asked, her tone horrified. “Don’t you see how that kind of language just supports the sexist stereotypes that women—”

“Lighten up, Liz,” Jessica urged.

Seriously.

The Cover: Ooh, look at that sexy naked arm helping to hang that Do Not Disturb sign up. As for the inner cover, I have no idea who that’s supposed to be. Todd and Liz? Liz and Dirk? Jessica and Lucas? No idea.