Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: Even a glamorous fashion photographer can’t resist a sixteen-year-old airhead.

The Big Deal: Big internship thing.

Synopsis:

It’s not summer, but it is time for another internship for the twins. The high school is letting students intern for two weeks at whatever company will hire them. Most kids end up working for their parents (Lila rudely answers phones for Fowler Industries), but the twins manage to get on at Flair magazine in L.A. Liz will be doing administrative type things while Jessica works as an assistant to Quentin Berg, a super fabulous photographer.

Jessica can’t believe it when she goes into work and nobody notices how gorgeous she is. She’s pissed that Quentin Berg has her doing grunt work; she was sure he’d ask her to model the second he laid eyes on her. Quentin is only in his early twenties, so Jessica figures she’ll get him to fall in love with her and then he’ll put her on the cover of the magazine. Trouble is, he’s already dating super skinny and famous model Simone no-last-name. Jessica meets a guy named Cameron and finds him really attractive and funny and stuff, but he’s a lowly mailroom worker so she convinces herself she doesn’t really like him.

Jessica thinks the best way to get ahead in the modeling industry is to create a portfolio. She gets a bunch of pictures of herself in her cheerleading uniform and puts them in a scrapbook. When she smugly shows them to the hairstylist at the magazine, he laughs at her and tells her some crappy snapshots aren’t going to get her anywhere. Jessica is disappointed, but decides the best thing to do is steal one of Quentin’s super duper cameras and have Lila take some pictures of her on the beach. Of course the camera gets ruined when a big wave knocks Lila over.

Liz is really into her internship, which of course makes Todd jealous and annoying. He shows up at the magazine office one afternoon and tries to get Liz to leave work early with him. Liz can’t believe he’d suggest such a thing and tells him to go hang out with Jessica in the photography department. As soon as Quentin sees Todd, he asks him to pose for him. Jessica is livid. Then Liz comes down and flips out when she sees Todd and Simone posing with their arms around each other. Todd leaves with her, but can’t stop talking about what a wonderful time he had modeling with Simone. Liz goes out with black Maria that night, but she’s so preoccupied and annoyed with Todd that she doesn’t listen to anything Maria says. They have a big fight because Liz is a self-centered brat.

The next day, Liz comes up with this brilliant idea to have one reader a month submit her very own views of fashion and have it published in the magazine. She wants to call it “Free Style.” Her supervisor, Leona, tells her it’s a good idea, but she’s not sure the editor will like it. This sends Liz into a depression and makes her feel like a failure. Oh, shut up. She feels bad and can’t wait for her date with Todd that night. Meanwhile, Quentin is freaking out about his missing camera. Jessica calls Lila to beg for a loan to replace the camera, but Lila’s too cool for that shit. Cameron overhears this and somehow wrangles up a replacement. He puts it on Quentin’s desk with a note from Jessica that says she had it cleaned or something. Quentin is totally impressed with her initiative. Jessica doesn’t know who helped her, but it doesn’t really faze her; someone always bails her out of whatever trouble she’s in.

Liz feels bad for neglecting Enid and Maria, so she invites them to meet her at the office on Wednesday night after work so they can go out for coffee. As soon as they get there, Leona asks Liz to stay late. Liz shrugs sheepishly and basically tells her friends to fuck off. What a bitch. She later says she’ll make it up to them by hanging out on Friday night, but then Leona tells her about some office party that Liz just has to attend. Liz says she really can’t, but Leona insists that if Liz really wants a career at Flair, she’ll come to the party and bring a date. Okay then. Liz knows Todd is downstairs in the photography department, so she goes down there to patch things up with him and ask him to go to the party with her. She finds him making out with Simone.

Jessica has managed to get Quentin interested in her. He wants to take her to dinner on Friday. Then Jessica kisses Cameron. He also wants to take her to dinner on Friday. Whatever will poor Jessica do?

Quotes:

[Enid’s] coppery brown hair, which had only recently fully grown out after she had dyed it black some time ago, swung against her neck.

Yeah, it took me a few years to “fully grow out” my hair after I dyed it black.

“I don’t know if it’s true, but I’ve heard she had silicone injections to make her lips fuller,” Shelly whispered. “And maybe a nose job too.”

“Yuck!” Jessica exclaimed.

A supermodel having plastic surgery?! You’ve got to be kidding!

Todd’s mouth twisted as if he’d eaten something sour. “Visit Jessica?” he asked… “When was the last time I voluntarily hung out with your psycho twin?”

I don’t know. When was the last time you made out with her?

“If you’re going to start giving me orders too now that you’re a hotshot fashion model,” Jessica threatened, “I will personally tell Simone about the time in sixth grade when you cooked a southern meal for social studies and put in too much hot sauce and used salt instead of sugar and the whole class got sick!”

Come on, Jess. You’ve got to have more embarrassing stuff on Todd than that.

The Cover: At no point in this book do the twins go to the beach together. Stupid new photo covers.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: Jessica Wakefield always gets her man. Especially if Enid is her competition.

The Big Deal: Party at Jonathan’s creepy mansion

Synopsis:

Todd shows up at Liz’s house just in time to see her in Joey’s arms. He gets pissed and gets back in his car. Liz says they can fight later but they have to find Jessica right now. Todd is all, “Fuck off, bitch,” as he drives away. He goes home and rips up his pictures of Liz and decides he’s not going to be Mr. Nice Guy anymore. I really hope this means they’re breaking up for good. Joey and Liz jump in Joey’s car and she explains everything to him on the way to Secca Lake to see if the murder victim is Jessica.

It isn’t. We know this because Jessica is at this moment at Jonathan’s house making out with him. He stops kissing her and tells her to get the out “before it’s too late.” Jessica thinks he’s afraid he won’t be able to resist making out with her or something and just keeps flirting. Jonathan finally gives up and closes the front door. He starts making out with Jessica, but then tells her he can’t get involved with her and she’ll have to leave.

Enid is having Jonathan withdrawals. She drives to his house and curses the Wakefields when she sees the twins’ Jeep out front. She looks in the window and sees Jessica and Jonathan kissing. She gets all discouraged until Jessica runs out of the house, crying. Then she goes inside and Jonathan starts making out with her. This guy gets around. He starts sucking on Enid’s neck and that’s the last thing she remembers until she wakes up in the morning in her bed at home.

At school, good old Chrome Dome Cooper holds an assembly and says the girl who was murdered on Saturday night was a cheerleader from Palisades High. Sweet Valley is going to start enforcing a curfew: nobody under the age of eighteen is allowed out after ten o’clock. After the assembly, Jessica tries to tell Amy and Lila about her makeout session with Jonathan. They start giggling and tell her Jonathan gave Enid a hickey the same night. Ha, remember hickeys?

Todd dyes his hair black and joins the goth movement. Actually, all the guys want to look like Jonathan and have all started wearing black. Even Winston is doing it, though he makes a joke out of it all by wearing black tuxedo jackets with brightly colored ties. I’m starting to love Winston a little bit. The guys think the curfew is a total bummer and they decide to liven things up at SVH by getting Jonathan to throw a party. Jonathan says he doesn’t want to do that, but Todd and Bruce start inviting people anyway.

That night, Jonathan is pacing around his house, all upset because of his “hunger.” He wants Jessica, but she’s too important to him and it’s too dangerous. So he calls Enid and asks her to come over. ‘Cause it wouldn’t really matter if he accidentally killed her in a fit of vampire passion. Jessica calls but he tells her he’s sick. She decides to come over with some homemade chicken soup. This girl doesn’t even know how to do laundry, but she can make her own chicken soup. I’m so sure. When she gets there and sees Enid with her wild hair and smudged lipstick, she throws the thermos of soup at Jonathan and leaves. Enid tries to help him clean up the mess, but he gets pissed and tells her to get out. Jonathan is grateful to Jessica because if she hadn’t shown up, he would have hurt Enid. He’s one of those tortured vampires who really doesn’t want to kill anyone. He just can’t help it. A few nights later, Jessica can’t find Jasmine the cat. She goes outside and finds the cat’s dead body. Ewwww.

Liz has been going out with Joey ever since Todd found them together, but she isn’t sure she really likes him anymore. He’s acting all condescending ever since he started college. And he keeps taking Liz around Sweet Valley and showing her places like Miller’s Point and the Dairi Burger as though Liz hasn’t lived here her whole life. At the Dairi Burger, Joey asks Liz if she wants to do something the next night. Liz promised Jessica she’d go with her to Jonathan’s party, but she doesn’t want to bring Joey and flaunt her relationship with him in front of Todd or something so she lies to him and says she’s going to a movie with Jessica. Then, of course, Caroline Pearce comes over and mentions the party and how much Jessica is looking forward to going. Joey gets pissed and leaves Liz at the restaurant.

Jonathan’s party is just awesome. Jessica sneaks upstairs to meet Jonathan. The lights go out while she’s sitting on his bed. He comes in and they start kissing. Liz is downstairs freaking out. She somehow convinces Todd to help her get the lights back on. They go downstairs and mess with the breakers. When the lights come back on, they hear somebody scream upstairs. They run up and find Amy’s visiting cousin (and Todd’s date), Katrina, dead, her blood drained.

Quotes:

Todd turned up the collar of his black leather jacket and swaggered slowly into the cafeteria on Tuesday at lunchtime, imitating Jonathan’s walk. He was wearing black jeans and a black denim shirt with a white T-shirt underneath. His face was unshaven, and he’d dyed his hair black. Todd’s new look gave him a sense of fresh confidence.

UGH.

The Cover: These kids seem to think this party requires formal dress.

The Moral of the Story: If you try to have sex with your girlfriend, an avalanche will get you.

The Big Deal: Ski trip, “welcome back from being trapped in an avalanche” party for Todd

Synopsis:

It’s spring break again and this time we’re off to Colorado for a ski trip. Sixteen students, including the twins, Lila, Enid, Todd and Winston, and two chaperones will be making the trip. Lila and Jessica get themselves a couple of “snow bunny” outfits and vow to break hearts all week long. Todd is feeling horny. Everyone is teasing Liz about all the alone time she’ll have with Todd, but she keeps saying they’re being silly, they’ll have roommates and chaperones to keep them company. Everyone gets on some super duper bus that has bunk beds or something, and they drive through the night. While everyone is sleeping, Todd sneaks up the aisle and lays down next to Liz and spoons her. She wakes up and tells him to go away, then Mr. Collins yells for Todd to get back to his own bunk.

Their first day on the slopes, Lila and Jessica meet a gorgeous ski instructor named Lucas King and start acting like they don’t know how to ski, because everyone knows guys hate chicks that know how to do stuff. Jessica manages to get away from Lila and then finagle Lucas into agreeing to a whole day’s worth of lessons. Lila is pissed. They make a deal. Whoever kisses Lucas first wins, and the loser has to ski down Devil’s Run, the most dangerous slope.

That night, Todd walks Liz upstairs when she says she wants to go to sleep. Inspiration strikes and he says he wants to show her his room. She figures he just wants a more private goodnight kiss, so she goes along. Todd starts getting fresh and Liz’s poor sensibilities just can’t take it when he tells her he’s arranged for Winston to sleep somewhere else that night. She looks horrified and stalks into the bathroom. Todd thinks she just wants to freshen up before they get “more intimate.” He settles onto the bed, looking all smug, and Liz comes out of the bathroom and pours a glass of water in his lap. Todd never takes down the Do Not Disturb sign, so poor Winston has to sleep in the lobby all night.

Liz manages to avoid Todd most of the next day, but he eventually finds her and tries to talk. Liz skis away from the path to get away from him. He follows her, and then there’s an avalanche. He loses Liz, but some thirty-something woman in red who’s been eyeing Todd all day comes along and takes him to a cabin. The woman introduces herself as Cassandra, and Todd thinks over and over again how attractive she is. He tears his eyes away from Cassandra long enough to build a fire and call the ski patrol on the handy radio in the kitchen. Liz is in the ski patrol cabin and she hears his voice so she knows he’s okay, but then the radio goes out and she doesn’t hear anything more.

Cassandra flirts with Todd all evening and he’s all, “But Mrs. Robinson!” He lets her have the bed while he sleeps on the couch. He wakes up in the middle of the night to find this thirty-year-old woman kissing him. He freaks out and pushes her away. Uh, lady? People get arrested for that sort of thing.

Enid is feeling ugly again, like she does anytime she goes anywhere with the Wakefield twins. She’s still sad about her breakup with Hugh and she’s determined to meet some guy on this trip and make him fall in love with her. She has a book called A Hundred and One Ways to be Sassy on the Slopes. Enid does everything the book tells her to do, but she keeps attracting guys she doesn’t like. She’s pretty picky for an ugly loser, don’t you think?

Liz is out of her mind worrying about Todd. She insists on staying in the ski patrol cabin. A ski patrol guy named Dirk lets her stay and pretty much breaks all kinds of rules for her. Liz keeps telling him she wants to go with him to search for Todd and he lets her, even though it’s really dangerous. They eventually figure out which cabin Todd is in, and Liz is the first one through the door after they dig the snow away. She walks in and sees Todd and Cassandra kissing. (Really, Cassandra was kissing Todd and he was trying to get away from her, but let’s not tell Liz.) Later, Liz is sitting in front of the fire in the lobby of the lodge, feeling sorry for herself. Dirk sits next to her and tells her what a jerk Todd is, and then he kisses her. Liz tries to push him away, but then, of course, Todd comes up behind them and starts yelling at Liz. Oh, god, I hate you guys. I’ll save you some suspense and tell you they get back together in the end. Of course.

Lila finds out about a party Lucas is going to and slips away to crash it. Jessica is looking out the window when Lila gets back, and she sees Lucas and Lila kissing. Hooray for Lila getting the guy before Jessica! Jessica starts down Devil’s Run the next day, but Lucas finds out and goes speeding over there, much to Lila’s chagrin, because he still thinks Jessica and Lila are beginners. Jessica is actually doing just fine, but she sees Lucas zooming toward her and gets distracted. She crashes into him, fracturing her ankle and spraining his. Lucas decides to stay at the lodge to be close to the clinic, so the next day, Jessica sneaks over to his room while Lila is skiing. They hang out on the couch and just after they start making out, along comes Lila. Jessica tells her to go away. So Lila pays a room service guy fifty bucks to let her hide under his cart. When he pushes the cart into Lucas’ room, Lila jumps out from under the tablecloth and she and Jessica start screaming at each other. Lucas peaces out. Jessica and Lila find him later at Todd’s Welcome Back party, making out with Enid.

Quotes:

“A snow bunny, Jess?” Elizabeth asked, her tone horrified. “Don’t you see how that kind of language just supports the sexist stereotypes that women—”

“Lighten up, Liz,” Jessica urged.

Seriously.

The Cover: Ooh, look at that sexy naked arm helping to hang that Do Not Disturb sign up. As for the inner cover, I have no idea who that’s supposed to be. Todd and Liz? Liz and Dirk? Jessica and Lucas? No idea.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: Boys are idiots.

The Big Deal: Party at Todd’s

Synopsis:

The cops show up and break up the rumble. The Sweet Valley guys run off to another abandoned warehouse Bruce found for them to hide out in. Before they leave the scene, though, Ken sees the guy who beat him up say something to Jessica. He’s sure it’s some kind of crude remark, but of course it’s just Christian telling Jessica to meet him at the beach the next morning. She does and they decide they can never see each other again.

On Monday, Mr. Cooper holds an assembly and lays out some new rules, one of them being that nobody is allowed to wear school colors to school anymore. The guys get all upset and refuse to obey, taking to rebelliously wearing SVH t-shirts under their sweatshirts. You tell ‘em, boys. Predictably, Liz joins the “task force” Mr. Cooper is putting together. The task force will work to promote peace between the schools. Todd can’t believe Liz is against him. Liz can’t believe Todd is being such a jackass. She’s sure they’re going to break up any day because her friend from Palisades, Caitlin, just broke up with her boyfriend over this whole war thing. Liz feels bad for Caitlin, so she invites her and her friend Marla to come along with her to a party at Todd’s. Enid tries to tell her it’s a bad idea, but Liz is having none of that. Sure enough, nobody will talk to the Palisades girls and Todd yells at Liz. That was pretty freaking stupid.

Jessica finally tells Liz that she’s been learning to surf but asks her to keep it a secret. Jessica and Christian manage to stay away from each other for two whole days, but then meet at the beach again. They start making out and just can’t stop. Liz notices Jessica isn’t at school and worries that she’s drowned or something. She finds Ken, tells him what’s going on and they go to the beach to find her. Liz finds them first, but Christian manages to run away before Ken can see him. It doesn’t matter though, because a few days later, Ken overhears the twins talking about the guy Jessica has been seeing.

The boys decide it would be a good idea to slash the tires on some of the Palisades guys’ cars. Winston is seen and the guy threatens him. Winston spends most of the book wishing he could stand up to Bruce and whining that he has no choice but to do these stupid things. He gets a call one day from Todd telling him there’s going to be a special meeting at the abandoned warehouse. Winston thinks Todd doesn’t sound like himself, but assumes he’s just pissed about something. He ditches Maria and takes off.

Ken is sitting in his car, spying on the Wakefields’ house that night. He sees Todd and Liz leave, and after a while he sees Jessica get into the Jeep. He follows her to the beach, where she gets out and hops into another car. Then he follows the other car to a restaurant. He goes inside just in time to see Jessica and Christian totally making out because they apparently can’t even keep their hands off each other long enough to eat a meal. Ken threatens Christian and then tells Jessica he never wants to see her again. He jumps in his car and leaves. Jessica tells Christian they need to follow him.

Todd and Liz go to the Dairi Burger. Maria is there and she asks Todd what happened to the guys’ meeting. Todd says there was no meeting and now everyone is worried about Winston. Todd figures the Palisades guys must have found their warehouse hideout and told Winston to meet them there. Todd calls the rest of the guys and takes off with them. Liz calls the cops. She and some of the other girls follow Todd.

At the warehouse, the Palisades guys are beating the crap out of poor Winston. Then the Sweet Valley guys show up and it turns into another rumble. When the girls get there and see what’s going on, they start screaming. Ken, Christian and Jessica get there just as the cops do. Most of the guys quiet down, but Todd doesn’t seem to notice the cops and just keeps pummeling the guy he’s on top of. As the cops are putting him in the squad car, Liz says something to the cop about it all being a mistake, she only called them so they could break up the fight. Uh, Liz? Sometimes this is how they break up a fight. Todd overhears and is super pissed that Liz is the one who called the police.

Ugh, to be continued…

Quotes:

“But they’re not going to be safe even if they stay in Palisades,” Bruce growled. “I say it’s time to carry the battle back to their home turf.”

Aaron jumped to his feet. “Justice,” he shouted. “That’s all we’re after!”

“Justice,” Ken repeated, his voice ringing strong and clear in the cavernous warehouse.

And then they all broke into a song and dance number.

“Slash their tires?” Elizabeth repeated, gaping at Maria…It was bad, far worse even than Elizabeth had imagined.

What did you imagine that was so much better than some slashed tires?

I can’t do it, Jessica thought. But I have to do it. I’m still Ken’s girlfriend.

You are allowed to break up with him, you know.

“Hi, Olivia,” she said, waving to Olivia and her boyfriend, Rod Sullivan. “Hi, Rod.”

I thought Olivia broke up with Rod and eventually started dating some guy named Harry.

The Cover: This is the Cover of Bad Hair. Christian is probably the ugliest person I’ve ever seen on an SVH cover, and that’s certainly saying something. Todd’s greaser look is ridiculous. The leather jacket doesn’t suit him, and besides, it’s the Palisades guys who are supposed to be wearing leather. The SVH guys wear jean jackets. Duh.

The Moral of the Story: If you coast through life and never apply yourself, you’ll do well on important tests.

The Big Deal: Party at Lila’s after the SATs, big basketball game

Best Outfit: Dana, the original American Apparel model – green tunic, black leather belt, purple tights, black high-heeled boots

Synopsis:

It’s time for the SATs and Liz is freaking out. She stays up late studying every night while Jessica shops and sunbathes. Unsurprisingly, Liz is so tired and stressed that she does badly on the test. Her scores are in the four hundreds. Jessica is shocked and horrified when her own scores are in the seven hundreds. She doesn’t want to tell anyone because she’s worried about being seen as a nerd. She does tell Ken, but he doesn’t believe her. Jackass.

After the scores come out, Jessica is again horrified when she gets to school and there’s a big banner congratulating her and Winston on having the highest SAT scores in the junior class. There’s even an assembly to recognize their achievement. Everyone is congratulating her and Jessica is relieved that being smart won’t totally ruin her reputation. But then people keep coming up to her and saying how surprised they are that she did so well. Jessica is upset that everyone thinks she’s dumb.

Jessica gets called to the principal’s office and Chrome Dome tells her the school board thinks she cheated on the exam. Caroline Pearce overhears and starts spreading the gossip. By the time it gets to Liz, the story is that Jessica sneaked back into the classroom after the test and switched her exam with Liz’s. Liz gets pissed and starts a fight with Jessica.

While all this is going on, Todd is turning into a real asshat. He scored in the six hundreds and now has college scouts coming to watch him play basketball. He’s acting really arrogant and obnoxious and he doesn’t seem to care at all about Liz’s problems. Liz’s self esteem is shot. She even tries to resign from The Oracle because she thinks she’s too stupid to be a reporter, but Mr. Collins doesn’t let her. She manages to tear Todd away from his constant rereading of scholarship offers and they go to Miller’s Point. Liz tries one more time to talk to Todd about how she’s feeling, but he can’t stop blathering on about how awesome he is. Liz kicks him out of the car. Just a few feet away, Jessica and Ken have a fight because Ken wants Jessica to tell him the truth, that she really cheated on the exam. She jumps out of his car and runs into Todd. Then Liz drives by and offers Jessica a ride. They make up on the way home and Liz says she knows Jessica didn’t cheat.

The twins both decide to take the SATs again. This time, Jessica is determined to do just as well as she did the first time so she stays up all night studying and even invites Winston over to help her. Liz has decided she doesn’t even care about the SATs anymore, so she acts like Jessica and doesn’t prepare at all. This time, Liz scores in the seven hundreds and Jessica in the four hundreds. The school board is convinced Jessica cheated the first time, so she is suspended from school.

Liz is determined to clear Jessica’s name and she comes up with a plan. Chrome Dome gives her permission to hold a mock trial. Liz will act as Jessica’s lawyer and the jury will be six students and six faculty members who don’t know Jessica very well. If Liz and Jessica win, Chrome Dome will fight for Jessica’s case against the school board.

Jessica is allowed to come back to school the day before the trial, and when the twins get there they find a whole rally going on. Half the school is wearing “We Believe in Jessica” t-shirts while the football team, led by Ken, runs around yelling and the cheerleading squad (minus Heather) does a cheer. I wish I was kidding. While that’s going on, Heather and Bruce are leading the rest of the school in a display of scowling while wearing “Jessica is Guilty” t-shirts. Because everyone has an opinion. Fucking Wakefields.

To my complete lack of surprise, Liz wins the trial and Jessica’s good name is cleared. Ned and Alice decide the twins should take a few days off from school and go visit Steve at Sweet Valley University.

Oh, somewhere in there, Todd falls at his big basketball game and breaks his ankle. This prompts Liz to make up with him and everything is wonderful again.

Quotes:

“You’re really beautiful, Jessica,” ken said. He touched her fingers. “You’re without a doubt the prettiest girl at Sweet Valley High. I’ve heard guys on the football team talking about your incredible looks when they thought I was out of earshot.”

Do I really need more confirmation that Jessica is totally hot? Does Jessica really need it?

“Well, I’m not too surprised, Jess,” [Ken] said with a smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “It’s not like anyone expected you to do really well.”

Damn, that’s cold.

“What school should I go to, Liz? You used to know a lot about college,” Todd said.

Ha ha. Because she’s suddenly forgotten everything she’s ever learned now that she scored low on a test.

The Cover: I don’t know what’s going on here, but I don’t think anything on this cover actually correlates to anything that happens in the book.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: Terrible things happen when you don’t listen to Elizabeth.

The Big Deal: Camping trip from hell

Synopsis:

Everyone is tired and hungry. Liz calculates it will take two days to get to the rendezvous point, so they start walking. It soon becomes apparent that Heather and her sprained ankle are going to slow them down way too much. Liz suggests Jessica stay with Heather while everyone else goes for help. A little while later, they come to a fork in the road. Ken and Liz think they should take the high road because they could die in a flash flood on the low road if it rains. Bruce and Todd think that’s stupid, so they all split up. Of course, the second they’re alone, Ken and Liz start to remember how attracted they are to each other. My god, these kids are ridiculous. I mean, each guy on this stupid camping trip has made out with each Wakefield twin at some point. Anyway, down on the low road, Bruce can’t resist taunting Todd about Ken and Liz being alone together.

That night, Bruce kills a snake, which Todd finds disgusting. Ken and Liz see a bunch of shooting stars. Jessica wakes up to find the escaped convicts snooping around the camp. She keeps quiet, hoping they’ll go away, but Heather wakes up and starts screaming.

The next morning, Todd is so tortured by the idea of Liz and Ken being together that he plots a course that will take him and Bruce right to Ken and Liz. Bruce figures it out after a little while and stays right where he is, letting Todd stomp off alone. Liz is climbing up a cliff while Ken waits at the bottom when the rock under her hand suddenly crumbles. She can’t go up or down because the rock keeps crumbling. She hangs out there for a pretty long while, and then suddenly Bruce is pulling her up. Unfortunately, a huge bald eagle swoops down and steals Bruce’s bag of gold while he’s saving Liz. Todd shows up shortly and they all yell to Ken at the bottom that Liz is okay.

Meanwhile, Heather and Jessica are tied up while the bad guys ask them where the gold is. They say they don’t have any. Jessica thinks two of the guys look like Moe and Larry from the Three Stooges, so that’s what she calls them. The third guy seems nice because he gives Jessica beef jerky and water when Moe isn’t looking. Jessica calls him Jack. Moe is apparently obsessed with explosions and stuff, so he fires off Jessica’s flare gun. When they see the flare, Liz and the rest of the gang figure Jessica and Heather are in trouble so they go running back the way they came. So then they’re all in trouble.

They hand over all their gold to the bad guys and then it starts raining. Liz yells that they’re all targets for lightning and they should get to lower ground. The bad guys tie the kids up and leave them to be lightning rods. This is exactly what Liz wanted. They get themselves untangled and start running away, but then they see Jack getting swept away in the rising river. They save him and then they all talk for a while. Jack wants to make it to the border and then try to make a life for himself, start over. Heather can’t stop flirting with him. She’s fucking weird.

Everyone assumes Moe and Larry are dead, but of course they’re not. The gang is walking by a cave and suddenly Moe reaches out and grabs Liz, dragging her in. Jack tries to reason with him and convince him to let the kids go, but Moe is a murderer and really just wants to kill someone. Jessica creates a diversion by acting like her stomach hurts, giving Jack time to get behind Moe and get the knife away from him. Moe pushes Liz away so he can fight with Jack. The fight results in Jack getting shot. So no help there. Moe cocks the gun and points it at Jessica, but just then everyone can hear an airplane outside. Moe runs out, telling Larry to kill the kids. Jessica manages to sweet talk him into not doing that. Larry fires all six shots over his head and then runs outside. Then the roof caves in, leaving the stupid kids trapped in the dark with no way out.

Jessica starts exploring and finds a path that leads deeper into the cave. Liz is the only one with a flashlight, since the others ditched theirs to make room for the gold. Following Jessica’s path will be dangerous, so Liz reinstitutes the buddy system and insists it will be safer if everyone stays with their original buddies. They walk for a while and then they’re suddenly walking through water. The water is rising and if they don’t get out soon, they’ll all drown.

Ugh, it’s just one thing after another with these fucking kids.

So the water rises to the level of their necks and somehow the flashlight gets knocked to the ground and everyone thinks they’re going to die. And then suddenly the water recedes. Everyone is super happy for a minute, but then Ken gets frustrated and punches the cave wall and part of it crumbles away. Turns out it’s just shale, so everyone starts punching and kicking the wall and they eventually come out not fifty yards from the rendezvous point. They all get to go home and everyone is happy, though Jessica is dismayed to find that the one gold nugget she saved is actually pyrite, and Liz is upset that the diary she found is a fake, probably left over from a movie set or a reenactment or something.

Quotes:

“Do you think you could manage for one second to get that tone of superiority out of your voice?” Todd asked Elizabeth flatly.

Ah, ha ha! Seriously.

“Well, I have, in fact, kissed both girls myself,” Bruce replied. “And between you and me, Todd, neither one is really that hot.”

I’ll admit that Bruce had me cracking up through most of this book.

The Cover: Ha, Jessica and Heather look like they’re being stalked by ghosts. I imagine Heather is the one in the baseball cap, even though I don’t think she would actually ever wear one. Elizabeth falling off the cliff is pretty funny. Her legs look way too long. And aw, look at Bruce actually caring about someone.

The Moral of the Story: Never go camping with the Wakefield twins.

The Big Deal: Big stupid survival thing in Death Valley

Synopsis:

The Sweet Valley Survival Society has held an essay contest. The six winners will be camping for four days in Death Valley with limited supplies. Somehow, the winners are Liz, Jessica, Todd, Ken, Bruce and Heather. Am I supposed to believe Jessica, Heather and Bruce actually wrote essays for this thing? They have a crash course before the trip where they learn about compasses and shit, and then Kay, the instructor, drives them out to the desert. Liz can’t believe everyone is complaining so much and she keeps going on and on about what a great opportunity this is. Even Todd rolls his eyes at her. When they get to the dropoff point, Kay gives them some last minute instructions and breaks the group into three sets of “buddies.” Jessica and Todd, Liz and Bruce, Heather and Ken. Jessica is pissed that Heather will be flirting with Ken for four days, and Todd isn’t happy about Liz being paired with Bruce.

Kay leaves and Liz takes charge because nobody else seems interested in doing so. Jessica and Todd try to get her to switch everyone’s partners, but Liz is adamant that they stick to the rules. Jessica spends the day getting upset at Ken for actually letting Heather flirt with him. When they make camp for the night, Jessica tells Ken she’s jealous, but Ken says she has nothing to worry about.

The next day, Liz tries not to be pissy when Ken says he wants to navigate. At lunchtime, they stop near an old mine shaft. Heather turns on the portable television she’s brought along and they all listen to a newscast about three criminals who escaped from a nearby prison. Then Bruce decides he wants to explore the mine shaft. Liz, as Bruce’s buddy, decides she’d better go in after him to make sure he doesn’t die. She finds a satchel with some papers in it and grabs it and runs when the shaft starts to collapse. Once outside, Liz opens the satchel and finds it’s full of gold nuggets. There’s also a map and a diary. The diary says something about a curse involving the “Treasure of the Scorpion.” Apparently, if you find the treasure, you’re supposed to leave half of it for the next lucky traveler, along with a copy of the map. Everyone except Liz wants to go hunting for the rest of the gold, marked by Xs on the map.

Liz actually comes around to the idea of looking for the rest of the gold because it would make such a great story. Everyone is excited when she says they can at least look at one X on the map, but they all think she’s crazy when she and Todd start to bury half the treasure. Bruce and Jessica yell at them, so Liz and Todd relent and say it would be silly to believe in the curse. The group packs up and everyone goes on their merry way, happily babbling about what they’re going to spend their money on. They have to climb up some rocks and Todd totally checks out Jessica’s legs. Then he gets pissed when Liz accepts Bruce’s help. Then Liz and Bruce have a conversation about the stock market, and Liz can’t help but notice how attractive he is and remember their brief romance. And of course Bruce remembers how hot Liz is and starts wondering how he can get her alone. Gross.

When they finally get to the area marked on the treasure map, Bruce discovers a cave and everyone wants to explore it. They come to a fork in the path and Bruce takes Liz in one direction while everyone else goes the other way. Bruce is about to ask Liz if she wants to make out when Jessica suddenly yells that she found the treasure. Everyone meets outside. Bruce and Jessica want to go searching for the rest of the marked spots on the map, but Liz gets Todd, Ken and Heather on her side. Now Bruce and Jessica are pissed at Liz, so she gets snippy with Todd and pretty soon everyone goes to bed angry with everyone else.

The next day, Liz is so exhausted that Todd feels sorry for her and offers to take over the navigating. Jessica knows Todd sucks at reading maps and stuff, so she “helps” him, making sure to lead everyone to the final treasure rather than to the rendezvous point. When Liz realizes they’re going in the wrong direction, she yells at everyone, calling Jessica deceitful, Todd spineless, Heather spoiled, Ken worthless and Bruce a buffoon. Then she sees that there’s a stream ahead, and since they need water they have no choice but to continue toward the treasure.

It turns out the stream is really a raging river. To get across, the gang decides to try “that special arm-linking technique” they were taught. Everything goes according to plan for about five seconds, and then Heather decides she’s too scared to hold on. She lets go and gets swept away. Everyone else continues across, and then they run down the riverbank until they see Heather holding on to a log. When Heather is safe, Ken yells at Jessica for letting go of her. Bruce says he was holding onto Heather’s other hand as hard as he could, but Heather let go. Ken doesn’t care, he just wants to be mad at Jessica for some reason. Jessica stalks off and Liz follows her. Everyone talks about how stuck up the twins are.

That night, Ken and Heather sit together for a while. Jessica wants to make Ken jealous, so she goes and flirts with Bruce. Bruce knows exactly what she’s trying to do and has no problem playing along. Jessica suddenly becomes convinced that Heather is going to steal her gold in the middle of the night, so she puts it in her sleeping bag when nobody is looking. She wakes up later to go to the bathroom, and when she comes back she finds the gold is gone. She starts yelling and wakes everyone up. Heather comes out of the woods and Jessica accuses her of stealing the gold, but Heather says she has an alibi. Then Ken comes out of the woods and sheepishly says Heather was with him. You bastard. Bruce jokingly says the escaped convicts must have stolen it and everyone goes to sleep.

The next morning, Jessica and Heather have a screaming match because Jessica is still convinced Heather stole her gold. Heather again says smugly that she was with Ken, then she stands next to him and links her arm through his. Ken says he doesn’t want to take sides. Heather gets pissed and walks away. She walks down the riverbank for a while, plotting her revenge. Then she hears someone laughing. Peeking from behind a big rock, Heather sees three men in blue jumpsuits, Jessica’s bag of gold between them. She goes back to camp, but nobody believes she saw the convicts.

Everyone gets moving again and stupid Heather manages to fall and sprain her ankle. So now the boys are forced to help her walk, which makes the twins even more angry at the world. At around the time they’re supposed to be getting picked up at the rendezvous point, the gang arrives at the final treasure spot marked on the map. They go into the cave and find six skeletons. They run outside and it starts to rain. Sucks to be them.

Quotes:

“It’s not up to you, Todd. It’s my job to make sure my buddy gets out of Death Valley alive. I have to face up to that.”

Liz, you are a bunch of high school kids on a camping trip. It is not that serious.

Elizabeth didn’t look forward to her parents’ reaction when they heard how she and Jessica had nearly lost their lives over some gold.

Why? Do you think they’ll suddenly start reacting to your near death experiences?

“What is with those Wakefield women that makes them think they’re better than everybody?” Ken asked.

Maybe it’s because the whole town celebrates every time a Wakefield gets up in the morning.

The Cover: I cannot figure out who is supposed to be who on this cover, but I’m sure that’s a Wakefield on the right with the Virgin Mary glow around her head.

Read the rest of this miniseries: Part one, part two, part three, part four.

The Moral of the Story: If he’ll cheat on you, he’ll also steal your money.

The Big Deal: There’s a Mistletoe Madness dance (because it’s Christmas now) but nobody goes.

Synopsis:

So, Jessica doesn’t tell anyone that she just saw Jeremy on the video of the ransom dropoff, and after a few minutes she manages to convince herself it couldn’t possibly have been him anyway. When Jeremy finally shows up around midnight, Jessica gives him a big kiss and they go off to make out somewhere. Later, Liz goes downstairs and finds Jeremy in the kitchen. He asks her why she doesn’t like him and they end up having an argument because the guy is a total jackass.

The next night, Jeremy and Jessica are making out. Jeremy says he doesn’t think he can wait until they’re married to “belong to each other, body and soul.” He says they’ll “go all the way” Friday night, and he’ll scout around for a romantic place for the occasion. While Jessica lays awake that night wondering if she’s ready for that, Jeremy makes out with Sue. She tells him the inheritance money will be in her bank account in ten days. Jeremy figures he can hack into the bank’s computers or something and get his hands on the money, and then he can disappear for good. In the mean time, I guess he’s going to have fun trying to get Jessica to sleep with him.

When Sue overhears a conversation and finds out what Jeremy and Jessica are planning, she realizes Jeremy is doing more than just keeping up appearances with Jessica. She goes to Jessica one night and tells her the truth about everything, including the kidnapping. Jessica is really pissed off at Sue and wants to believe she’s lying, but in the end she cancels her date with Jeremy and tells Liz everything Sue told her. The twins decide to tell detective Sam Diamond the whole story. They can’t get Sam on the phone and don’t want to ask Ned for her home number (because then they’d have to tell him what they know), so they actually for once in their lives decide to go to the police. And you know what happens? The bitch lady cop tells them to stop wasting her time and get the fuck out. And this is how it comes to pass that the Super Twins have to bring Jeremy to justice themselves.

Sue goes to Jeremy’s room at the boardinghouse and for some reason Jeremy decides it’s time to take a shower. While he’s in there, Sue starts kind of going through his stuff. She finds a plane ticket for a flight to Hawaii the following Saturday, which is the same day Jeremy and Sue were supposed to fly to New York together. Then she finds a newspaper clipping. It’s a wedding announcement. It’s a few years old and the groom’s name is Matt Thorn, but it’s clearly a picture of Jeremy. I guess he just carries this proof of his secret identities around with him everywhere? Sue goes home and tells the twins she needs their help taking Jeremy down.

You guys, I can’t tell you how sick I am of Jeremy and Sue. I’m going to finish this book if it kills me.

The Oracle office now has the internet, but it’s just hooked up to some kind of newspaper database. Sue and the twins go up to the school and do a search for Matt Thorn. The only thing that comes up is the wedding announcement. Because I’m sure there’s only ever been one newspaper article about someone named Matt Thorn. They call the woman in the wedding announcement and find out “Matt” stole all her money and disappeared. Liz tells Jessica and Sue that they have to keep up the charade that they both still love Jeremy. I don’t know why they don’t just go to the police now that they have Sue to actually give testimony, but whatever.

Sue’s money is not in her account on the day it’s supposed to be deposited, so she’s sure Jeremy has already stolen it. She and the twins come up with an awesome plan. On Friday, Jessica calls Jeremy and tells him she knows everything but wants to be with him anyway. He tells her he’ll pick her up at eight and they’ll go to the cabin. The twins call Sam Diamond and tell her their plan. Sam shows up in time to wire Jessica and get everyone into her car. They all follow Jeremy and Jessica to the cabin. Oh, and it’s raining. You know, like it does whenever something really momentous is about to happen.

By the time Jeremy and Jessica get to the cabin, the rain has turned to snow. I didn’t realize the cabin was that far away. Sam, Liz, Sue and Todd get lost and then crash Sam’s car, so they’re no longer on Jeremy’s trail. Useless people. At the cabin, Jessica gets Jeremy to confess to all his crimes. He leaves the room for a minute, and when he comes back he catches Jessica trying to use the phone. He assumes she’s going to turn him in, so they have a little scuffle that results in the Christmas tree being knocked into the fireplace and the whole place going up in flames while Jessica lies unconscious on the floor. The funniest part of this is that this apparently abandoned cabin is all decorated for Christmas. Liz and the others finally show up and save Jessica, but Jeremy manages to get away. Not to worry, though. The cops find him and he confesses. I hope we’re done with Sue and Jeremy now.

While all this has been going on, there’s also been a subplot involving Lila and her artist boyfriend. Robby has an art show coming up but hasn’t done any paintings for it yet. Lila is worried so she does a bunch of horrible paintings and hangs them up at the gallery. When Robby shows up with his real paintings, he gets mad but realizes Lila was just being Lila.

Also, Ken Matthews has recently broken up with Terri Adams and has lately been showing a lot of interest in Jessica.

Quotes:

Elizabeth slapped her textbook shut. “Sorry, but I just can’t seem to stop thinking about Sue and Jeremy and the kidnapping.”

Argh, you don’t have to solve every mystery in Sweet Valley.

Jogging over to the house next door, she leaned hard on the bell. Mrs. Beckwith answered the door.

I seem to remember the Beckwiths moving away and the Whitman/Thomas family moving in.

The Cover: Looking at Jeremy running away makes me crack up every time. He looks like he’s doing some kind of traveling version of the Elaine dance. And what the hell is Jessica wearing?

Read the rest of this miniseries: Part one, part two, part three.

The Moral of the Story: Sweet Valley is a town full of morons.

The Big Deal: Another celebratory post-kidnapping party

Synopsis:

When Jeremy shows up at the Wakefields’ house and says Sue has disappeared, Liz is the only one who seems to think they should go look for her. Jeremy gives Jessica some lame excuse about why he was making out with Sue (“She threw herself at me! Honest!”), so Jessica is all ready to forgive him and leave Sue to her fate. Liz convinces them they need to go back to the cabin to try to find her.

When they get to the cabin where the party took place, Jeremy sends Liz and Jessica into the woods. Then he goes up to the attic of the cabin where Sue is waiting for him and tells her to just hold on for a few more hours and the inheritance is theirs. Then he rips off her necklace and goes outside. When the twins come back, he tells them he found the necklace in the woods.

Jeremy goes to the Wakefields’ house the next morning to tell Ned and Alice that Sue has disappeared. He stalls them until the phone rings. Ned puts it on speaker, and they all hear a voice demand half a million dollars (which is the same amount Sue is supposed to inherit) in exchange for Sue’s return, and then it says Sue will die if anyone calls the police. Jessica thinks the voice is familiar, and it’s clear to us that it’s a message Jeremy recorded. Ned wants to call the police regardless of what the kidnapper said, but Jeremy convinces him not to. He can’t, however, convince Ned not to call his detective buddy, Sam Diamond. Then everyone sits down for a delicious blueberry pancake breakfast. Jessica is overjoyed when Alice says the twins won’t be going to school, and she’s annoyed that Jeremy won’t make out with her because he’s so worried about Sue.

Jeremy goes back to the cabin and is furious to find Sue downstairs and not in the attic where he left her. He hollers at her because what if someone came searching for her? He takes her back upstairs and ties her up – just to keep up appearances, you know. Sue starts to wonder if this is really the best way to get her inheritance. And I don’t get this at all. Sue’s mother’s will stated that if Sue stayed away from Jeremy for two months, she’d inherit the money. So why couldn’t they just stay away from each other for two months? Why all this rigmarole? It’s so convoluted.

Sam Diamond shows up and it turns out it’s really Samantha Diamond. This affords the twins the opportunity to argue about women and careers and stuff, and Liz can’t believe Jessica doesn’t have a shred of feminism in her. I think Jessica sees how obnoxious Feminist Liz can be and is running in the other direction. Anyway, this is not the time or place for such a discussion. Everyone tells Sam what’s been going on. When “the kidnapper” calls again, Sam traces the call and is horrified when it comes back as unavailable. Ah, the advent of the cellular phone. The voice on the phone says that because the Wakefields contacted a detective, he now wants an extra thousand dollars added to the ransom and he wants the twins to be the ones to bring it to him.

Sam tells Jeremy and the Wakefields this whole thing must be kept top secret, so of course Jessica tries to tell Lila. She tells her Sue’s been kidnapped and is being held hostage, but she says it with her hand over the phone for some reason. Lila, of course, misunderstands and thinks the whole Wakefield family is being held hostage. And now it’s turned into another episode of Saved by the Bell.

Lila calls Robby and Todd and they decide they need to get into the house somehow and, I don’t know, overtake the kidnappers or something. Instead of just ringing the doorbell, they decide they need a disguise. Robby’s cousin works for Sweet Valley Power, so Robby says he can get uniforms and maybe a sweet truck. Meanwhile, Jeremy and the Wakefields are just hanging out at home. Jessica is getting pissed that Jeremy isn’t paying enough attention to her, so she goes to Steven’s room and steals the ring Steve was going to wear when he married Cara. Jessica gives it to Jeremy and finally gets his attention.

Ned comes back from the bank with the money, and Sam wires up the twins with microphones and sends them off to make the drop, planning to follow behind them. On the way out of the house, Jessica picks up a camcorder, thinking it might come in handy. After they leave, Jeremy tells Ned and Alice he wants to go to the cabin for some reason. He runs out of the house, pulling a ski mask on as he goes. Just then, Lila, Todd, Robby and Robby’s cousin, Sidney, pull up in a Sweet Valley Power truck. They see a man in a ski mask running across the lawn and figure he must be the kidnapper, so they all hop out of the truck and jump him. When they tear off the mask and see it’s Jeremy, they’re all, “Sorry, man,” and let him go. When someone wonders why he’s wearing a ski mask, someone else says it’s probably a Halloween thing. You people are idiots.

Jeremy goes to the cabin and gets Sue, who’s been tied to a chair in the attic for quite a while now. She doesn’t want to go through with the plan anymore but Jeremy yells at her and forces her into the car. When they get to the dropoff point, Jeremy tells Sue he’ll pick her up later at the Wakefields’ house. Sue gets out of the car and Liz puts the briefcase full of money in a phone booth before running back to the Jeep. Jeremy, wearing a long trenchcoat and a big hat, gets the money from the phone booth and takes off. Sam shows up and tells the girls the money was fake.

Sam, Sue and the twins go back to the Wakefields’ house, where they join Ned, Alice, Todd, Lila, Robby and Sidney for cake and ice cream. Ned proposes a toast to the twins and their bravery, and Liz sympathizes with Sue’s being tied to a chair for two days. Then everyone watches the tape Jessica made during the dropoff. Nobody can see anything identifiable about the kidnapper, except Jessica, who notices the man wearing the ring she gave Jeremy.

Quotes:

“Now, Alice,” said Mr. Wakefield, his voice optimistic, “don’t give up hope. Remember when Elizabeth was kidnapped? We were all so worried, and it all turned out fine in the end.”

Yeah, good times, good times.

“He gave me some bread in the morning and some water during the day.”

Mrs. Wakefield gasped. “But that’s torture!” she exclaimed, slicing another piece of cake and putting it on her plate.

I’m starting to think Mrs. Wakefield is a little “special.”

The Cover: So, to go along with the SBTB-esque quality of the plot, we’ve got a Zack Morris lookalike here on the cover, complete with Zack Morris hair and button-down shirt. Poor Sue is still wearing her witch costume from the Halloween party, and we’ve got great big kidnapper hands playing with the totally awesome cell phone. Jessica’s making a total bitchface.

Read the rest of this miniseries: Part one, part two.

The Moral of the Story: If he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you.

The Big Deal: Halloween party

Synopsis:

After stopping Jeremy from marrying Sue, Jessica hides out at Lila’s house. The day after the wedding, Jeremy gives Jessica a ring and asks her to marry him. Then he says he has to go to Costa Rica for a month to take care of some business. Jessica is upset, and she gets even more upset when Liz calls her at Lila’s and says Ned and Alice think Jessica has gone too far this time. They’re thinking of sending her to a boarding school in Washington state.

Liz has been spending her time taking care of Sue, who now has tranquilizers to help her cope. Sue tells Liz that Nancy, her very wealthy mother, never liked Jeremy and cut Sue out of her will when Sue refused to quit seeing him. Now Sue’s mother is dead, Sue is penniless and she doesn’t even have Jeremy anymore. Then one day, Alice gets a registered letter. It turns out there was a stipulation in Nancy’s will. Sue was only cut off if she stayed with Jeremy. If she stays away from him for two months, she will get her inheritance. Sue seems totally surprised by this news.

It appears to be the beginning of a school year, which is weird, but whatever. Sweet Valley High is instituting a new math program called Go Math. GO stands for Girls Only. Apparently, studies have shown that girls don’t do as well at math as boys do, so Go Math is an experimental program that segregates the math classes. Liz is outraged by the whole thing, but as the weeks pass, she realizes everyone is actually doing better in math, including her. She writes a series of articles about the program, and of course the Sweet Valley News picks them up. In other Liz news, she doesn’t like Todd’s muck-stache. Todd doesn’t realize his attempt at facial hair is totally lame and pathetic and he seems to think he’s really hot shit. He starts calling Liz “babe,” which she hates, and he twirls his mustache a lot when Liz gets mad at him. They eventually break up over the stupid mustache. Oh, you stupid kids.

After a while, Sue tells the Wakefields that she’s really over Jeremy, so Ned and Alice tell Jessica to come home. Her first night back from Lila’s, Jessica announces at dinner that she and Jeremy are engaged. The next day, Sue overdoses on her tranquilizers and Jessica’s parents set up a meeting with the headmaster of the boarding school. Jessica misses Jeremy and is frustrated that he’s never around when she calls. Lila tries to tell her that maybe Jeremy isn’t that into her, but Jessica refuses to believe that. Then Amy shows her a film she shot on the beach for a school project, and Jessica sees a couple in the video that looks just like Jeremy and Sue. Amy tells her she only shot it two weeks ago, so it can’t be them.

Sue confesses to Liz that she lied about having a “rare blood disease” to keep Jeremy from leaving her. Liz is shocked, but thinks she understands. Then there’s a scene of Sue making a phone call, but we don’t know who she’s calling. She talks about what a “total drag” it was to have her stomach pumped. She makes plans to meet whoever she’s talking to. So now we know there’s something weird going on with Sue.

Jeremy finally comes back to town, but he acts kind of distant and weird. He does tell Jessica that Project Nature, the company he works for, is throwing a big Halloween bash and the whole Sweet Valley High gang is invited. At the party, Liz and Todd finally make up, so don’t worry about them, folks. Jessica can’t find Jeremy anywhere and she starts to think about all kinds of things about him that don’t add up, like the fact that he wouldn’t let her wait while he got on his plane to Costa Rica and the fact that he was never once there when she called him. She wanders outside and finds him making out with Sue. What a jackass. Liz takes Jessica home, and a little while later, Jeremy comes to the door. He’s all freaked out because Sue has “disappeared.”

To be continued. Ugh, won’t this Jeremy/Sue story arc ever end?

Quotes:

In a sense she felt as if Jessica was willing to leave Elizabeth forever to be with Jeremy. It was one thing to stay at Lila’s until a scandal blew over – it was another to commit yourself to a man and be ready to run off with him. Leaving Elizabeth behind. As though they were just regular sisters. Not twins at all.

Liz, what do you think is going to happen when you guys actually do get married? Are you going to share a bathroom for the rest of your lives?

“You’re our daughter and we love you. We’ll always love you no matter what. But we’re very worried about you. We’re worried about the decisions you’ve been making lately. The whole thing with Jeremy and Sue – it doesn’t seem like you.”

The fact that Alice is surprised by the “thing with Jeremy and Sue” just goes to show how much she pays attention to her kids.

“So now it all comes out. You hate my mustache, you hate my haircut, you hate what I call you…Kids at school think my mustache is hot, this is a totally radical haircut, and maybe I just won’t call you anything from now on. As in, I won’t be calling you at all!”

Oh, Todd. This is a totally radical breakup speech.

The Cover: As you can see, Jeremy and Jessica are Aladdin and Jasmine for Halloween. Sue and Jeremy look like they’re having some trouble; Sue looks mad because their hats keep crashing and they can’t kiss properly.