Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

This is it, folks. The day we’ve all been waiting for. The day we find out exactly why Elizabeth Wakefield left Sweet Valley and why she cries when she orgasms. There are obviously spoilers here, so don’t read any further if you don’t want to know the whole story.

Y’all ready for this?

Here we go!

Elizabeth Wakefield has left Sweet Valley and is now living in New York City, working for a crappy online magazine that nobody’s ever heard of. When our story opens, Liz and her boss, David Stephenson, are returning to Liz’s apartment after grabbing a post-workday dinner. Liz thinks David is handsome enough, but she doesn’t really want to sleep with him because he made her leave the tip at the restaurant. Get over yourself, Liz, it wasn’t even a date. The phone is ringing when they come in, but Liz lets the machine pick it up. It’s Jessica, begging Liz to talk to her.

Liz ignores Jessica and gives David a glass of wine. He asks whose voice that was on the answering machine and marvels at how much it sounded like Liz. Liz considers sleeping with him to get him to stop asking questions, but in the end the tip thing just bothers her too much and she tells him she’s tired and kicks him out. Once he’s gone, she curls up on her couch and feels sorry for herself.

FLASHBACK! We’re suddenly treated to a present-tense-first-person account of the day Todd Wilkins asked Jessica out back in high school. It’s kind of weird.

PRESENT DAY Back in Sweet Valley, Jessica is whining to Todd about Liz not answering any of her calls, texts, emails or Facebook friend requests. There’s kind of a lot of nonsense, but I gather that Liz and Todd were engaged at some point and Jessica slept with Todd. Then there’s another weird first-person-present-tense passage. It’s the exact same scene from before, this time from Jessica’s point of view. Anyway, Todd and Jessica are now living together and are going to be married in four weeks. Todd writes a successful sports column and the two of them spend most of their time trying to avoid the judgmental stares of their friends.

Todd and Jessica go to a party at Lila’s house, and we learn the latest about all our old faves:

• Lila and Ken Matthews are in the middle of getting a divorce, but Ken is apparently still at the house most of the time. Ken is a successful NFL star. Lila doesn’t work, of course.
• Caroline Pearce is a successful real estate broker and a cancer survivor. She’s still a big gossipmonger.
• Jeffrey French is a successful dentist and is married to someone whose name Jessica can’t remember.
• Enid Rollins and A. J. Morgan are having an affair or something and it’s bad for their image, but I don’t know why.
• Robin Wilson is a successful caterer and restaurant critic, but somehow manages to keep herself slim.

You’ll notice that with the exception of A. J. and Enid, everyone’s life has the word successful in it. Sweet Valley is magic.

Everyone seems surprised to see Toddica, but Caroline is the only one who actually dares to ask about Elizabeth. Instead of answering, Jessica tells Caroline what a nosy bitch she is. Then she turns on Lila and hollers at her for inviting her to a party Caroline was going to attend, accusing her of wanting her there only for the drama.

All of Jessica’s chapters are like so infused with instances of like and so and they so make me want to like stab my eyes out.

Meanwhile, Liz goes to some crappy theater to interview William Connolly, a playwright who is currently auditioning actors for his debut play. He acts like a jackass and hardly even looks at Liz, but when he finally does, Liz freaks out a little because he looks exactly like Todd. Sigh. Of course he does. His resemblance to Todd throws Liz down memory lane and she thinks about a time in college when she was sick and made Jessica go to a party with Todd. As far as she knows, it’s the only time they spent any time alone. I guess that whole thing after the prom doesn’t count. And, of course, Liz doesn’t know about the other stuff.

Coincidentally, Todd and Jessica are also thinking of that party in college and…

FLASHBACK – COLLEGE, SENIOR YEAR Jessica doesn’t really want to go to the party, but Todd is the guest of honor and Liz really wants him to go. Neither Todd nor Jessica has any fun at first, but people keep assuming Jessica is Liz so she and Todd pretend to be a couple and have a good time tricking people. When they get in the car to leave, they apparently forget they were just pretending and they start making out like crazy. They eventually end up at the apartment Todd and Winston share. Winston isn’t home, so Todd goes ahead and has sex with his girlfriend’s twin sister. God, what a fucked up piece of fuck this guy is. Jessica’s wrong too, of course, but if I’ve accomplished nothing else with this blog, I know I’ve at least established that Jessica is insane.

For the next month, Todd and Jessica meet every day at a diner nobody they know ever goes to. They don’t have sex again, but it’s still an affair. The guilt finally gets to be too much for Jessica and she breaks it off.

PRESENT DAY Elizabeth runs into Will Connolly at the bar across the street from the theater. They both get a little tipsy and end up talking. Will isn’t really the jerkface he’s made himself out to be, and Liz thinks it’s okay to like him because his eyes are blue and not brown like Todd’s. They introduce themselves to the gorgeous Irish bartender (Liz mentions that her cheating twin would go crazy for him) and then Will invites Liz back to his apartment. They make out for a minute.

Liz’s mother calls that night and tells Liz she’d like her to come home for her grandmother’s eightieth birthday party. (She would also like Liz to come to Jessica’s wedding because she’s a fucking idiot.) Liz tells her there’s no way in hell she’s going to sit through a dinner with Todd and Jessica. Then she gets to thinking that it would really show those bastards if she came home with a new man. She calls Will and asks him if he wants to go. He says he can’t get away, but jokingly suggests Liz take Liam the bartender and try to make Jessica fall in love with him. Liz doesn’t take it as a joke.

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Jessica has married some guy named Regan and they’ve been traveling the world. It’s been about six months since the wedding, and that means it’s about time for Jessica to move on. Not one to waste time, she decides she has to leave Regan immediately. She’s in France, but she calls Liz, who tells her to just come home and stay with her. Todd isn’t super happy about this, but he agrees to be civil.

In this flashback, we learn that brother Steven married Cara Walker, but he apparently has frequent affairs and at this moment might be involved with Lila. What a tool. We also learn that nobody likes Winston anymore because he “changed radically” after making a bunch of money.

PRESENT DAY Liz goes to the bar and insinuates herself into Liam’s life. They hit it off after Liz finds out Liam’s parents live in L.A. and he owes them a visit soon. After about five minutes of friendship, Liam agrees to schedule his visit so it coincides with Liz’s grandmother’s party and he can be her date.

Jessica goes out for a friendly drink with one of her coworkers and wonders if she should hook up with this guy instead of Todd and then she could have Elizabeth back in her life. But alas, her love for Todd is too strong to be denied. Then she thinks about when she came back from France and lived with Todd and Liz for a while.

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Todd is working from home and the house is beginning to seem very small. Jessica and Todd try to avoid each other, but he gets on her nerves one day and she goes to the beach. That’s where she sees her brother in a loving embrace with…Aaron Dallas. Yep, Aaron is gay now and so is Steven. Steve asks Jessica not to tell anyone, but she thinks she’ll be doing him a favor if she tells Cara. Oh, Jessica. This is why you’re the bad twin. Well, this and the whole stealing-your-sister’s-fiancé thing.

PRESENT DAY Liz has lunch with Will and tells him she’ll be taking Liam with her to Sweet Valley. Will was only joking when he suggested getting Liam to seduce Jessica and he does not approve. Liz, who has been telling herself that she’s only bringing Liam home so she’ll have some company, gets defensive and actually says, “fuck you,” and storms out of the pub. Nice. She talks to Bruce Patman on the phone (they’re best friends now) and tells him she’ll be bringing a friend home for her grandmother’s party. Bruce gets a little weird. Liz is irritated and Bruce hangs up on her. Then we get to spend some time in Bruce’s head. And wouldn’t you know it? He’s in love with Liz!

FLASHBACK – EIGHT MONTHS AGO Bruce and Liz became friends a few years ago when Bruce’s parents were in a car accident. Liz came to the hospital every day for moral support. (Both Patman parents wound up dying.) Bruce has always known about Todd and Jessica’s affair in college (he saw them together at the diner), but he didn’t want to tell Liz because it would hurt her. But now that Jessica is staying with Todd and Liz, and Liz wants to set a wedding date, Bruce thinks it might be time to clue her in. He takes Liz out for pizza (I believe the pizza place used to be the Dairi Burger, but now it’s called Napkin) and tries to get up the courage to break her heart, but just then Ken Matthews comes running in to tell them that Winston is dead.

What the frak?

Meanwhile, Steven goes to Liz’s house to yell at Jessica for outing him to Cara. He calls her a selfish bitch and then leaves. Jessica starts crying and Todd hugs her to comfort her, and OF COURSE they start kissing. That’s when Liz comes home, crying about Winston. Todd and Jessica manage to cover up pretty well and Liz doesn’t notice anything is amiss, but Bruce is giving them the hairy eyeball.

PRESENT DAY Liz flies into LAX, where she’ll meet Liam. She’s going to change at the airport and drive directly to the club for the party. On the flight, she remembers – FLASHBACK! Winston’s funeral. Winston got super drunk and fell off his balcony. People are sad, but Winston had turned into such a total misogynistic jackass that most people are mourning the kid he used to be. Jessica starts looking at Liz intensely and yapping about forgiveness and junk. Liz thinks it’s weird, but figures it’s just funeral stuff.

PRESENT DAY Jessica is getting ready for “Grandmommy’s” party (ugh, grandmommy?) and thinks about the day Liz found out about her and Todd.

FLASHBACK Which is totally lame. Jessica’s husband shows up, I guess to talk to her, but she’s afraid of him so she asks Todd to be in the room. Regan walks in and immediately accuses Jessica of sleeping with Todd. I don’t know why. Words are exchanged and the boys start scufflin’. Liz comes home and breaks up their fight. Regan yells at her and says there’s something going on behind her back, and then he leaves. Liz asks Toddica what Regan was talking about and Jessica says he’s just crazy jealous, which seems reasonable. But Liz has one of those moments where she suddenly realizes how blind she’s been. She calls them cheating liars and storms out.

And that’s it, that’s how she found out. Maybe I’m sick in the head, but I was really kind of hoping she’d find them in bed together or something. Something more exciting than a “sudden realization”.

PRESENT DAY Dinner at the country club seems like it might be okay at first. The twins manage to ignore each other for the most part, but Liz is a little irritated that Liam seems completely smitten with Jessica. She was supposed to fall for him, not the other way around. He hangs on her all night, which pisses Todd off. Liz can’t help but smirk when Toddica start arguing, and the smirk gets Jessica going. Pretty soon, Liz is yelling at Todd, Steven is yelling at Jessica, Bruce and Aaron are telling people to shut up, and Alice is trying to keep everyone from killing each other. She yells at Ned to “bring out the fucking cake.” Grandmommy Robertson is the only one not yelling. When Liz leaves to go back to New York, Todd and Jessica aren’t speaking to each other, and Liz is pissed at Liam for flirting with Jessica so much.

Liz still has to interview Will for her job, and she can tell he wants to apologize for accusing her of being crazy for revenge. She doesn’t want him to do that because then she’ll have to say he was right. So she does the interview and then goes back to his place and has sex with him. I’m not sure why she feels like she always has to have sex with a guy to make him shut up.

She gets home from Will’s to find Jessica asleep outside her apartment door. Jessica says she’s left Todd and wants Liz’s forgiveness. It only takes about thirty seconds of Jessica crying for Liz to forgive her. And just like that, they’re talking everything through. Liz, who only needed to find a new man to realize she really doesn’t love Todd anymore, tells Jessica to go back to Todd. Jessica leaves the next morning and Todd is waiting for her outside Liz’s apartment building. He gives her a big hug and they go home to Sweet Valley. Liz meets Will later and tells him everything. He still thinks she’s the bee’s knees and they go back to Liz’s.

Will and Liz become friends with benefits, and things are going really well. Her article comes out and she gets another job offer from a magazine. By the time Will’s play opens, Liz has decided she’s not in love with Will, but they have a really good friendship. On opening night, Will’s parents show up with the fiancé Will left behind when he came to New York to be a famous playwright. It’s clear to Liz that Will and Wendy love each other. She’s happy for them.

When Liz goes home for Jessica’s wedding, Bruce tells Liz he’s selling his house and moving to New York because he’s in love with someone who lives there. Liz is an idiot and Bruce has to spell it out for her that Liz is the one he loves. They go up to Bruce’s bedroom where they get naked and we learn that Liz has “taut nipples.”

EPILOGUE: FOR ALL SWEET VALLEY FANS OF OLD

Everyone in the world shows up to Jessica’s wedding, and Francine gives us a little bio of what’s been going on with all our old friends…

• Bill Chase – Lost his right leg to a shark during a triathlon three years ago. Now teaches surfing to handicapped teens. Married someone named Lianne Kane.
• Roger Collins – Mr. Collins has quit teaching and is a successful writer. His son is now nineteen and named Sam (pretty sure he used to be named Teddy).
• Jeffrey French – Lila’s date for the wedding. Now Francine tells us he’s single, even though Jessica talked to his wife in the second chapter.
• Dee Dee Gordon – Working as an artist
• Charlie Markus – Married Annie Whitman. He writes for a car magazine but wants to be a novelist. He is referred to as the boy who “saved” Annie, but I think Francine has confused him with Ricky Capaldo.
• Betsy Martin – An alcoholic who sleeps around. I guess art school wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
• A. J. Morgan – Sells shoes at the Nike store in the mall.
• Roger Barrett Patman – A successful Hollywood producer. He married Zoe Jones, a rock star.
• Caroline Pearce – Caroline’s cancer is in remission these days. She puts out a gossip blog six days a week.
• Enid Rollins – Enid is a successful gynecologist, but she’s arrogant and extremely right-wing. She plans to run for city council, and that’s why she wants to keep her relationship with A. J. a secret. She doesn’t think a shoe salesman is an appropriate partner for someone as important as she is.
• Nicky Shepard – I don’t know why we care about this guy since he was really only important in one book, but Francine tells us he hit rock bottom two years ago and is now living in Utah, teaching at an AA center.
• Cara Walker – She and Steven are now divorced, but she still remains friendly with Ned and Alice.
• Annie Whitman – Annie is a lawyer in San Francisco. She and Charlie have a two-year-old boy.
• Robin Wilson – Catered Jessica’s wedding. She’s also senior editor of Bon Appétit.
• George Warren – A representative for a Silicon Valley company. Lives in England.

We get a rundown of some dead folks. Winston, Regina and Tricia are mentioned, but strangely, Olivia Davidson is not. Maybe because of her zombie appearance in SVU. Surprisingly, Suzanne Devlin is among the dead. We’re told she returned to Sweet Valley six years after the Mr. Collins scandal, but she had multiple sclerosis and crashed her car after taking her medication with champagne. Wait, I thought she just had mono. I’m confused.

And now the Wakefields…

• Ned Wakefield – Still a successful lawyer. He’s so awesome that even the mayor came to the wedding.
• Alice Wakefield – Now has her own interior design company. It is, of course, successful. Alice was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago, but she had a lumpectomy and some radiation and is good to go.
• Steven Wakefield – Steve and Aaron are living together and hoping that someday they’ll be able to get married.
• Elizabeth Wakefield – Liz was Jessica’s maid of honor. I think that’s gross, but what do I know? She and Bruce are totally in love.
• Jessica Wakefield – Was fifteen minutes late for her own wedding because, as you know, nothing starts until she gets there.

Quotes:

Unless, of course, she were to arrive, unexpectedly, at her grandmother’s party on the arm of a handsome New York playwright. That certainly wouldn’t be pathetic.

It’s a little pathetic if he looks exactly like the ex-boyfriend you’re so eager to show up.

…its main financial backing had come from Richard Fowler, Lila’s father.

Didn’t his name used to be George?

One time when we were in high school, this lunatic madman came at her with a sledgehammer. I jumped in between them, and I didn’t even have a weapon. All I had was crazy fury and determination to save my sister’s life.

What’s funny is that I thought I would try to give you guys a link to the book this is from and make a snarky comment about it, but the twins escaped death so many times that I don’t know which book to link to.

I’m in my black Porsche convertible, the last vestige of the old Bruce that I can’t give up.

1BRUCE1 is still alive, people!

“I remember once I had this thing with Caroline way back when we were in the seventh grade. She told everyone that I let A. J. Morgan touch my breast.”

That’s so weird, you know, because he didn’t move to Sweet Valley until junior year.

She was twenty-seven years old and this was the first person she’d ever told to go fuck himself. What was wrong with her?

Oh, Liz. You’ve just been suffering from Valleyitis. Folks from the SV don’t say fuck. Except Alice Wakefield, apparently.

The Cover: Is boring. I really do like the endpapers though.

The End.

Before I post my recap, I have a couple of things to share.

First of all, I have an extra copy of the book to give away! I know some of you have probably gotten your copies already, so I’m sweetening the deal with a super cool Sweet Valley t-shirt.

All you have to do to enter is comment on this post and tell me you want in! I’ll use a random number generator to pick a winner at the end of the day. Let’s say midnight EST.

Also, the Sweet Valley site has some fun stuff today.

Have fun! My recap is up now!

The Moral of the Story: You have to be nice to bitchy people because they might just be sad children of divorce.

The Big Deal: Birthday slumber party at Lila’s, surprise birthday party at the Wakefields’

Synopsis:

There’s a new girl in the neighborhood. Her name is Brooke Dennis and Jessica already hates her because she was a total bitch the one time they met while Jessica was walking Mrs. Bramble’s dog. Mrs. Wakefield is doing the interior design work for Mr. Dennis’ house, and brother Steven is all excited because Mr. Dennis is a famous screenwriter. Jessica doesn’t care who he is, she still hates Brooke. I guess this is before Jessica’s obsession with becoming an actress, because you know if this was high school she’d be all over pretending to like that bitch to get in Brooke’s father’s next film.

Mrs. Wakefield invites Brooke and her father over for dinner, and Liz gets to see firsthand what a bitch Brooke is. She and Jessica are both horrified when Mrs. Wakefield volunteers the twins to walk with Brooke to school the next day. Jessica gets out of the walk by claiming she needs a ride from her dad, so Liz has to do it alone. She tries to be nice, but Brooke shuts her down. Then Brooke proceeds to make everyone at Sweet Valley Middle School hate her.

After Brooke ruins a poster Jessica made for English class, Jessica invents a Wakefield triplet named Jennifer. “Jennifer” always wears a bow in her hair and she talks in a whisper, and for some reason Brooke really likes her. She asks Jennifer to go to the basketball game that night, but Jessica can’t do it because she has to cheer. She gets Liz to pretend to be Jennifer for the evening. Brooke is actually nice to “Jennifer” during the game and Liz starts feeling bad about tricking her, but then Brooke says some really mean things about Jessica. Liz’s resolve is strengthened.

Lila has a slumber party for her birthday, and Liz is invited for some reason. During the party, she tells everyone that Brooke’s birthday is on Monday and she didn’t want Jennifer to tell anyone. Jessica decides that’s the perfect time to get even with Brooke for being such a snot. There’s a book fair assembly on Monday, and the girls get Jerry McAllister and Bruce Patman to build a collapsible chair for Brooke to sit in at the assembly.

Elizabeth, as Jennifer, has lunch with Brooke before the assembly, and Brooke cries to her about her parents’ divorce and the fact that her father was too busy that morning to wish her a happy birthday. She says Jennifer is the first friend she’s ever had, and Liz feels like crap.  She tries to get Brooke to sit in a different chair at the assembly, but Jessica makes sure Brooke sits in the rigged seat. Everyone starts laughing at her when she falls through the chair, and they laugh even harder when she tries to explain to Mr. Bowman that Jennifer made her sit there. When she realizes there is no Jennifer, she runs off. Liz follows her and tries to apologize and say she really wants to be Brooke’s friend, but Brooke says she doesn’t care and then walks away.

When the twins get home, their mother says Brooke’s dad called her and filled her in on everything the twins did. The twins feel awful, and they invite everyone over to come up with a plan to make it up to Brooke. I guess everyone feels bad all of a sudden, and they all decide to throw a big surprise birthday party for her. They bake a cake and decorate the Wakefield house, but Brooke refuses to come over because she hates the twins.

The twins go to Brooke’s house and apologize for everything, and Brooke agrees to come back to the house with them. The party is a smashing success and now Brooke has tons of friends. On top of that, a long talk with Mrs. Wakefield has shown Mr. Dennis the error of his ways, and now he plans to be around for Brooke more often. Perfect Sweet Valley ending.

Quotes:

“Well,” Mrs. Wakefield began, “it sounds as if Brooke’s a very confused young lady. I, for one, intend to have a long talk with that busy father of hers.”

Oh, excellent. Parenting advice from Mrs. Wakefield.

The Cover: You guys, you have no idea how much I loved Jennifer’s outfit on this cover. I wanted that oversized red cardigan so bad.

From reader rachierach:

Hey, Shannon, you should let readers know that Francine Pascal will be speaking at Barnes and Nobles in Manhattan (The one on the Upper East Side) on March 29th at 7pm…I’m sure we’re all curious what she will say about the new book!

It’s times like these I wish I lived in New York. Thanks, Rach! Here’s the link to Francine’s B&N events page. Looks like she’s got another one lined up for April 7!

The Moral of the Story: Johnny Buck does not love you.

The Big Deal: Johnny Buck concert

Synopsis:

Super rock star Johnny Buck is coming to Sweet Valley, but Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield won’t let the twins go because they’re too young. Liz, ever the optimist, decides she’ll just have to be the best daughter ever so maybe her parents will let her go to the next concert. But Jessica wants to go to this one, dammit. She starts thinking of ways to earn the money for a ticket. She’s determined to get Johnny to sign the cap he threw to her from his hotel window when he was in town last year.

Some old woman named Mrs. Bramble needs someone to watch her dog for a few days, and Jessica thinks this is the perfect job for her even though she’s terrified of dogs. As you can expect, the second Jessica gets the dog home, she totally ignores it and lets the rest of the family take care of it. Meanwhile, she’s telling all her friends that she’s meeting Johnny Buck after the show and that he’s all excited to be an honorary Unicorn.

Jessica manages to avoid Sally the dog until Saturday morning, when nobody else is home. She walks Sally and then starts looking for something to wear to the concert that night. She settles on the brand new dress Elizabeth was going to wear to the sixth grade dance, along with the gold hoop earrings Liz bought their mother for her birthday.

Mrs. Bramble calls and says her bus has been delayed and she won’t make it back to Sweet Valley until later that night. Jessica freaks out because there’s nobody home to watch Sally. She tethers Sally to a tree in the backyard and leaves, and as soon as she’s gone, Sally darts after a stupid cat and Jessica’s knot comes undone. When Liz gets home and discovers Sally is missing, she calls Amy in a panic and they both search the neighborhood for the dog. They don’t find her, and Mrs. Wakefield is home when they get back to Liz’s house.

Because Jessica was deceitful and this is a children’s book, she has a terrible time at the concert. She leaves her seat to get closer to the stage, and loses sight of Lila in the crowd. When she gets near the front, she notices a bunch of other girls with caps exactly like the one Johnny threw to her. Believe it or not, Jessica thought Johnny had singled her out and thrown her that hat because he loved her or something, so she’s totally humiliated when she realizes he’s been handing them out all over the place. She never does get his autograph, and she mopes all the way home.

Mrs. Wakefield is furious that Jessica was so irresponsible as to leave Sally alone just so she could “go to Lila’s and hang out,” and she has to explain things to Mrs. Bramble when she shows up to get her dog. Alice wants to go to the Fowlers’ to get Jessica and make her help look for Sally, but Liz doesn’t want Jessica to get in trouble for sneaking off to the Johnny Buck concert. She suggests they go to Mrs. Bramble’s house first to see if maybe Sally made her way home.

Sally is, in fact, at Mrs. Bramble’s house. Mrs. Wakefield insists on going to get Jessica and making her apologize. Liz knocks on Lila’s door and gets pissed when she sees Jessica wearing her dress and only one of her mother’s earrings. She still doesn’t tell her mother what Jessica did, and she warns Jessica that she’s going to have to pay Mrs. Bramble her $25 back.

At Mrs. Bramble’s house, Jessica starts crying and she confesses everything to Mrs. Bramble, who takes pity on her. She tells Jessica she can tell her mother she refused to take the money, but Jessica will have to pay it back by walking Sally every day for the next month. All’s well that ends well.

Quotes:

Elizabeth couldn’t bear to see her twin punished, even when she deserved it!

Why not?

The Cover: I like the tagline: Will Elizabeth tell her parents if Jessica sneaks out to the rock concert? The answer is no. It’s always no.

The Moral of the Story: Oh, hey, unpopular kids have talents, too!

The Big Deal: Basketball and Booster tryouts

Synopsis:

The Unicorns have gotten the okay to start a middle school cheerleading squad, but Ms. Langberg tells them they have to have open auditions. Liz is shocked when Amy says she wants to try out, and Jessica can’t believe people like Amy even have the nerve to sign up. Liz tries as hard as she can to talk Amy out of auditioning, but Amy says she’s become a master at the baton and she’s confident she’ll get on the squad.

At the first round of tryouts, Amy pretends she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Liz assumes she’s changed her mind. Meanwhile, on the other side of the gym, the boys are trying out for the basketball team. Ken Matthews enters the gym and Bruce Patman immediately starts calling him “midget” and teasing him. Ken is short, you guys. Coach Cassels makes things even worse when he mistakes a tall kid for Ken, because Ken’s dad was his favorite player ever and Mr. Matthews was tall.

Ken is really bad at basketball, but Liz takes him home with her and gets Steven to show him a few things. He still totally sucks, but then Liz has the brilliant idea of having Ken practice with a tennis ball. For some reason, Ken finds this easier and pretty soon he and Liz are having a grand time bouncing around their tennis balls. And that’s when Bruce rides by on his bike and makes fun of Ken for playing tennis-ball with a girl.

The next day at school, Bruce tells everyone that Liz and Ken are a couple. And everyone cares. Jessica is totally freaked out about how this makes her look, and Amy is sad because she kind of likes Ken. Liz refuses to set everyone straight because she’s stubborn like that.

Lila calls Amy one night and tells her not to try out for the Boosters, and she’s scandalized when Amy hangs up on her. As payback, Jessica forges a note from Ken to Amy, telling her to drop out. Then she writes a love letter from Amy to Ken. Amy is smart enough to know her note is from the Unicorns, but Ken is kind of dumb and he gets all freaked out when he thinks Amy’s in love with him.

Liz overhears Lila and Ellen talking about the letters and about how they’re going to get that rotten Amy Sutton once and for all, so she goes running off to find Amy and warn her. She finds Ken along the way and explains the love letter thing to him, and then she finds Amy and tells her the Unicorns are planning to do something awful to her so she should just drop out of auditions. Amy ain’t havin’ that.

The Unicorns call each girl forward to do a “he’s our man” cheer with them. Their big plan to “get Amy” consists of telling her to cheer for Ken and then making her do the cheer alone. Meanwhile, Ken is on the other side of the gym for basketball tryouts. While Bruce Patman points and laughs at Amy, Ken steals the ball and does super awesome things with it. Amy does the cheer again and then goes into a big baton routine. She ends with a flourish just as Ken sinks the basketball. Ken makes the team and the Unicorns beg Amy to be on the Boosters.

Quotes:

“I’m really sorry, Ken.”

“What for? You didn’t write it.”

Elizabeth nodded. “I know, but Jessica did. So I feel partly to blame for it. That’s one of the consequences of being a twin.”

That’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard.

The Cover: Amy’s shirt is like five times too big for her, and holy cow, mom jeans.

The Moral of the Story: If your grandfather is weird and scary, he’d better also be famous or else nobody will want to be your friend.

The Big Deal: Halloween party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

All the kids in Sweet Valley are afraid of the Mercandy mansion. They’re all convinced a witch lives there and keeps her crazy husband locked in the attic. The twins get themselves all worked up when they see a girl their age being dropped off at the mansion with a couple of suitcases. A few days later, the girl starts going to Sweet Valley Middle School, and Elizabeth volunteers to show her around. Nora Mercandy has a horrible first day because kids are jackasses.

Liz is out sick on Nora’s second day at school, so the poor girl is on her own. Nora has to play tennis with Lila in gym class, and Lila wants to make things interesting. She bets her expensive cloisonné pen, and then has to hand it over when Nora wins. She gets all bent out of shape about losing and makes it her mission to destroy Nora. First she gets Nora in trouble with the principal by claiming Nora stole the pen, and then she switches her sucky math test with Nora’s passing one.

Nora asks Liz why everyone hates her so much, and Liz explains that everyone thinks her grandparents are weird because they never leave their house. Nora thinks if she gets the Unicorns to meet her grandparents, they’ll see there’s nothing to be afraid of. Liz and Amy help her get the backyard ready for the gathering, and as soon as all the Unicorns arrive, an old man comes shambling out the back door, saying, “Nor…Nor…Nor…” over and over again. Clearly, this man is a zombie, so all the Unicorns run away.

The Unicorns think Nora must have invited them over just to scare them. To get back at her, they cook up a horrible scheme that involves Bruce Patman, that hunka hunka burning seventh-grader. The Unicorns start being really nice to Nora and Lila invites her to her Halloween party. Nora accepts because she’s apparently an idiot who thinks people are suddenly warming up to her.

When Nora gets to Lila’s house, Bruce leaves with Charlie Cashman and Jerry McAllister. Nora overhears someone saying the boys are on their way to the Mercandy mansion to fuck things up with spray paint, toilet paper and rotten eggs. Nora finally loses her temper and yells at everyone, and then she runs out the door. Liz follows her to make sure she’s okay, and Jessica follows Liz to make sure she’s okay, and pretty soon the entire party has migrated to the Mercandy house, where Nora yells at Bruce and then runs inside. Once again, Liz follows her and Jessica follows Liz.

Everyone else follows Jessica into the house and up into the attic, where Nora is crying and Liz is trying to comfort her. Somebody notices that the walls are covered in posters which depict a magician named Marvelous Marvin. Everyone has heard of him, because ancient magicians are so totally popular with sixth-graders, and Nora says Marvin is her grandfather. Suddenly Mrs. Mercandy is there, talking about how her husband used to work with Houdini. Well, now everyone’s excited and they want to meet him. While Mrs. Mercandy goes to get him, Nora tells everyone that her grandfather had a stroke ten years ago and is partially paralyzed and can’t speak very well. It’s all good, nobody’s afraid of him now that they know he’s a magician and not a zombie. Nora puts on a magic act, pretending to saw Liz in half, and everyone wants to be friends with her, hooray!

The Cover: It’s kind of mean of the twins to be talking about Nora while she’s standing right there, but Nora’s off in her own little world anyway, I guess. Maybe she’s thinking about getting a haircut. I hope so.

The Moral of the Story: If you whine loud enough, your twin sister will make sure you get anything you want.

The Big Deal: Dance recital

Synopsis:

The twins’ ballet class is going to be performing Coppelia in a few weeks. Jessica is dying to play the lead, but Madame Andre seems to have eyes only for Elizabeth. Liz thinks the reason Jessica gets ignored is because she’s always dancing next to Amy Sutton. Jessica does this because she thinks Amy’s crappy dancing will make her look better by comparison, but Liz thinks Madame Andre is too busy criticizing Amy to notice how good Jessica is. Jessica could just go dance next to someone else, but the twins decide to make Amy a better dancer instead.

Naturally, Jessica bails on Amy’s first practice in the Wakefield basement, so Liz does her best to go it alone. Despite Liz’s best attempts to help out, Amy still sucks at ballet when her mother comes to pick her up. She does manage to do a plié correctly at the next class, and Jessica becomes filled with rage when Madame Andre compliments Elizabeth for helping Amy out. This somehow sparks a fight and now the twins aren’t speaking to one another.

On the day of the Coppelia audition, Liz and her mother go to the mall while Jessica stays home to put in some extra practice time. Madame Andre calls and says that for no good reason she’s changing the time of the audition from three to eleven. Jessica leaves a note for Liz and her mom, but she’s sure they won’t make it back in time and Madame Andre will have no choice but to give the lead to Jessica. She’s super pissed when Liz still manages to show up and audition.

Liz gets the part and Jessica’s life is totally ruined. She tells anyone who will listen how unfair Madame Andre is, but nobody cares. The stupid Coppelia doll disappears and Liz wonders if Jessica stole it, though how she would have stashed a life-sized doll under her tutu isn’t even pondered. Amy, who knows she sucks at ballet, offers to sit in a chair and take the doll’s place. Liz practices her solo every day while the rest of the class rehearses their part, and she finally sees that Jessica really is a much better dancer and Madame Andre was being unfair all along.

Liz pretends to hurt her ankle just before the recital, and she begs Jessica to go on and take her place. Jessica is only too happy to comply. Amy feels bad that Liz won’t get to dance at all, so she decides to dance in the corps and let Liz be Coppelia. Jessica dances beautifully, and when Madame Andre finds out it was Jessica and not Elizabeth, she chastises herself for being so blind. Amy confesses to stealing the doll and everyone goes back to the studio for a party.

Quotes:

“We need to leave for the Dance Studio in fifteen minutes.”

What an original name for a dance studio.

“I’m sure that nobody else has a chance against you,” Lila Fowler said confidently. “After all, you’re the only Unicorn in the class. Everybody knows that Unicorns are very pretty and very special.”

I’m not sure Madame Andre cares about that.

Jessica, about the Mercandy house: Don’t those windows upstairs look creepy? They look like devil’s eyes, and they’re staring straight at us.”

That goat has devil eyes.

Jessica and the number 37:

“Madame likes you three hundred thirty-seven times more than she likes me!”

The Cover: Look at the mug on Jessica! Liz is looking kind of smug, so I guess I’d be pissed, too.

The Moral of the Story: It’s rough being the nice twin, especially when you don’t know your sister is evil.

Synopsis:

Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield are just the cutest identical twins alive and they do everything together. They share a room, they dress alike, they join all the same clubs and have all the same hobbies. So when Liz says the school is letting her start a school newspaper just for the sixth graders and asks Jessica to write for it, she’s shocked when Jessica says she’d rather hang out with Lila Fowler and join the Unicorn Club. Liz decides to ask her friends Amy Sutton and Julie Porter to help her out, figuring Jessica will want to join once she sees what a success the paper is.

At lunch the next day, the twins sit at separate tables for the first time ever so Liz can talk to Julie and Amy about the paper. Jessica sits with the Unicorns and tries to get an invitation to join the club. The day after that, Jessica stands Liz up after school to go to the Dairi Burger with the Unicorns. Just as she hoped, they ask her to join and give her three pledge tasks to complete. Janet Howell, the club’s president, tells Jessica she can’t tell anyone what her pledge tasks are, not even Liz. Jessica asks about Elizabeth’s pledge tasks, and Janet says Liz isn’t going to be asked to join. Jessica is shocked at first, but then realizes Liz wouldn’t like being a Unicorn anyway.

Jessica’s first pledge task is to take Mrs. Arnette’s lesson plan book off her desk and get it back into the teacher’s bag by the end of class. Jessica manages to get the job done with help from Lila and Winston. Her next task is to stand outside the girls’ restroom, tell people it’s flooded and get at least three girls to use the boys’ room instead. That one gets done pretty easily, too. The only task left is to come to school looking so different from Liz that nobody can tell they’re twins. Oh, calamity.

On Monday morning, Liz dresses in her yellow sweat suit (ugh) and takes the same outfit from Jessica’s closet and lays it out for her. As soon as Liz goes down to breakfast, Jessica jumps out of bed and dresses in something completely different. Then she curls her hair and puts on some makeup. She waits to go downstairs until it’s too late for Liz to change. Liz is hurt but Jessica doesn’t really notice because she’s so happy she’s completed all her tasks.

When the twins get to school, Liz locks herself in a bathroom stall and starts to cry. Then some girls come in talking about Jessica’s new look. They say they think it’s great that they can finally tell the Wakefield twins apart. When they’re gone, Liz decides to make the best of things by doing her hair in a style Jessica doesn’t usually like to wear. She decides it’s okay with her if she and Jessica stop dressing the same.

Meanwhile…

Jessica has asked her mother for dance classes and Alice has complied. The twins get to the studio just before their first class starts, but Jessica tells Liz to go ahead while she finishes getting ready. She finally comes into the classroom during roll call, and Madame Andre freaks out because Jessica is wearing a purple leotard, purple legwarmers, a purple scarf around her waist and purple barrettes with purple streamers. Also, blue eyeshadow all the way up to her eyebrows. Madame Andre yells at her, and it flusters Jessica so much that she messes up on all her ballet moves for the whole class.

Caroline Pearce comes up to Liz at lunch and says she thinks it’s super exciting that Jessica has been asked to be a Unicorn. Liz goes home crying that night about Jessica not wanting to spend time with her anymore. She talks to her mom, who says it’s really okay that the twins have separate interests. Liz doesn’t really like it, but she goes upstairs and tells Jessica she’s going to try not to let it bother her. Jessica offers to try to get her in.

Jessica goes to her first Unicorn meeting, and Liz asks Amy to come over to talk about newspaper stuff. Amy is a joy to hang out with and Liz has a really good time spending the evening with someone other than Jessica. She’s a little sad she won’t have time to do that kind of thing once Jessica makes her a Unicorn.

Liz won’t leave Jessica alone, so Jessica finally asks the Unicorns to let Liz join. They aren’t happy about the idea, but Jessica threatens to quit. Janet thinks that would make the club look bad, so they give Liz one pledge task. She has to go to the Dairi Burger with Lois Waller and replace the whipped cream on her sundae with shaving cream. Liz says no. She refuses to make Lois eat shaving cream. Jessica decides to do it herself. She calls Janet and tells her Liz is going to do it on Wednesday.

On Wednesday, while Liz is at a dentist appointment, Jessica poses as her twin and goes to the Dairi Burger with Lois. When Lois takes a bite of her sundae and starts spitting out the shaving cream, the Unicorns at the next table start laughing. Lois leaves all upset that Liz would embarrass her like that. A few days later, Jessica tells Liz she’s been voted into the club. Liz figures they must have realized their pledge idea would have hurt Lois’ feelings. Yeah, right.

Liz goes to her first Unicorn meeting and can’t believe that all they do is talk about boys and movies. Ellen comes up to Liz and congratulates her on a job well done at the Dairi Burger. Liz gets mad and goes home, where she cries to her mother. Again. Alice tells her again that twins can have different interests. Again.

Liz calls Lois and tells her it was Jessica at the Dairi Burger. Then she tells Jessica to apologize to Lois. If she doesn’t, Liz will stay in the Unicorn club and tell everyone else it was Jessica and not Liz who tricked Lois. Jessica apologizes. Liz isn’t satisfied, so she calls Lois and cooks up a scheme to get back at them. It really just boils down to Lila eating shaving cream on her sundae and Amy taking pictures for the newspaper. Good times.

Meanwhile, the twins are fighting about their room. Liz doesn’t like it being so messy all the time and Jessica, I don’t know, doesn’t like Liz’s books or something. Alice and Ned decide it’s time the girls have their own rooms. They’ll move Jessica into the guest room down the hall. What the hell? They’ve had an extra bedroom this whole time and just made the twins share because they’re twins? Not cool, man.

Somewhere in there, we hear about how some girl named Roberta Manning got kicked out of the Unicorns because she made out with a high school boy, and we find out the high school boy is Steven Wakefield. I guess he’s always liked them young.

Setup for the next book: The twins’ dance studio (which is called The Dance Studio) is putting on a production of Coppelia and Jessica wants the lead. Also, Amy’s mother is making her take ballet.

Quotes:

She undid her ponytail and let her hair fall free. Then she parted it in the middle, pulled it back from her face, and fastened it with a clip. It was a hairstyle she loved and Jessica hated…

“Hey, Liz!” Lois’s eyes were wide. “You should wear your hair like that all the time.”

So it’s Lois’ fault Elizabeth spends the next six years with her hair pulled back in clips and barrettes.

The Cover: I think the twins are so much cuter on these covers than they are on the SVH covers. I also think those sweaters look really comfortable.