Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: Everybody loves a tugboat!

The Big Deal: Birthday party for Mary

Synopsis:

Mary Robinson is feeling down. Her long lost mother went and married this Tim Wallace guy and Mary feels left out. But for some reason she’s going around telling all her friends that Tim is this rich architect who buys her presents and is designing a mansion for her and her mom. He’s not. He’s a handyman who just bought a tugboat.

The twins can tell something is bothering Mary. She rushes straight home from school every day, her grades are falling and – worst of all! – she keeps missing Unicorn meetings. The Unicorns have a special lunch meeting just so Mary can be there, but Mary has gone home to have lunch with her mom. Janet decides to continue the meeting after school and if Mary’s not there, she’s kicked out of the Unicorns.

Mary manages to make it to the Dairi Burger for the meeting, and she’s mortified when her mom and stepfather walk in. Tim pulls up a chair and starts talking to the Unicorns. Mary fakes a stomach ache when he starts talking about the tugboat (Mary’s been telling everyone it’s a yacht). Mr. and Mrs. Wallace take Mary home and try to think of some way to make her feel better about things. They decide to throw her a surprise birthday party on the tugboat. So now they’re spending even less time with Mary because they’re always heading off to the harbor to fix up the boat. And Mary’s friends are always talking about the party, and they shut up whenever Mary comes near.

Mary tells Liz she’s afraid nobody likes her anymore, so Liz spills the beans about the party. Mary’s pretty happy until Liz tells her the party is going to be on the boat. Oh, no. She’s sure nobody will want to be her friend when they see her stupid tugboat. The day before the party, Mary fakes another stomach ache so she can leave school early. When her mom and Tim don’t seem overly worried about her, Mary decides the best thing to do is run away. But as soon as she walks out the door, she trips over her bike and hurts her arm. Tim comes outside to investigate, sees Mary’s arm is hurt, and offers to carry her inside. Because she can’t walk with an injured arm? Tim promises he won’t tell Mary’s mom that Mary was running away, and Mary decides she trusts him and it’s okay with her if he adopts her.

Now that she’s discovered what a nice guy Tim really is, Mary guesses she ought to go to the damn party. She shouldn’t have worried, of course. All her friends think it’s super cool that her family owns a tugboat, and everyone thinks Tim is dreamy when he takes out his guitar and sings a song he wrote just for Mary, and then all the songs from the Unicorns’ current favorite movie.

Quotes:

Elizabeth frowned. She missed spending long Sixers work sessions with Mary, the two of them typing and laughing for hours on end.

I keep picturing Liz and Mary laughing insanely while they type. Reminds me of Hyperbole and a Half’s Internet Forever.

[Tim] took out his guitar and sang a simple melody about love and trust. Each verse talked about building love like a house, adding room after room until the house had turned into a castle. The chorus was, “There’s always room for more love.”

Barf. We get more lyrics later on: “Love takes time, love takes work, but now my love castle is finished, and my princess can move in.” Ew.

The Cover: Mary looks exactly like the twins, and I don’t know who that other person is supposed to be. My husband saw this cover and said, “It’s Pat!”

 

The Moral of the Story: Secrets are bad.

The Big Deal: Party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Mr. Wakefield takes the twins out to dinner one night and teaches them a secret language called Ithig. Basically, you add ithig into each syllable of each word you say. The twins pick it up pretty quickly, and Caroline Pearce overhears them speaking it from the next table. She tries to butt her nose in, but Mr. Wakefield tells her it’s a family secret and she needs to mind her own bidness.

The next morning, the Unicorns demand to know everything about this secret language Caroline told them about. They’re pissed when Jessica says she promised her dad she wouldn’t say anything about it to anyone, and Amy is pissed at Liz for keeping secrets from her. United in their hatred of all things Wakefield, Caroline and Amy sit with the Unicorns at lunch and they all ignore the twins together. Later that day, Lila makes a point of talking loudly about a party her father is having that weekend and the famous tennis star who’s going to be there. Jessica is devastated that she and Liz aren’t invited.

As you can imagine, it doesn’t take long for Jessica to tell Lila how to speak Ithig. She wants to go to that party, yo. Liz is furious when she finds out Jessica blabbed, but she’s glad that at least the secret is out now and things can go back to normal. Lila teaches it to everyone at her party, and Amy calls Liz that night to be a bitch about Liz not teaching it to her. The next day at school, all the kids in Liz’s music class speak Ithig at their substitute teacher, Ms. McDonald, who looks like she wants to cry. Lila wants the whole class to speak Ithig to Ms. McDonald next week when the district supervisor is reviewing her, but Liz and Amy, who have just made up, think it’s a terrible idea.

Liz thinks about things and decides the only way to help Ms. McDonald is to teach her Ithig. She’s surprised when Ms. McDonald says she already knows it because she’s picked it up just by hearing the students speak it so much. When the district supervisor is there, Lila asks a question in Ithig and is shocked when Ms. McDonald answers her in kind. Then Ms. McDonald tells the supervisor that it’s a secret language and she can’t tell him what it’s all about. All the kids besides Lila are impressed with how cool Ms. McDonald is.

The Cover: Close that big mouth of yours, Caroline, you nosy bitch.

 

The Moral of the Story: If you hold out long enough, someone will eventually tell you to go ahead and keep the two hundred dollars you found.

The Big Deal: Student council elections

Synopsis:

While helping Ellen’s brother Mark bury his dead parakeet in the backyard, Ellen and Jessica find a mysterious box. How fortuitous that Mark would pick that exact spot to start digging. Ellen and Jessica contrive an excuse for Mark to get out of their hair, and they open the box while he’s gone. They find two hundred dollars in cash and some old love letters and photographs. Some rich girl was in love with the gardener’s son but apparently they didn’t end up together. Ellen and Jessica think it’s terribly romantic. They take their two hundred dollars and go to the mall.

Elizabeth is running for student council treasurer. Amy is her campaign manager and she makes some glittery posters. Liz thinks they’re a little flashy, but she goes with it. Way to live a little, Liz. Olivia’s posters are pretty and artistic, but Peter DeHaven’s are super boring because he’s a big nerd. He comes to school one day wearing brown socks with white sneakers and everyone makes fun of him. Poor Peter.

Ms. Wyler’s class has been selling candy to raise money for a trip to Disneyland. When the money goes missing, Liz starts to get suspicious about all the new stuff Ellen and Jessica have acquired lately. She goes searching in Jessica’s room for a sweatshirt Jessica borrowed, and she finds the receipt for a Walkman Jessica said she’d found on a bench at the mall. Liz starts having a panic attack about Jessica possibly being a thief. She interrogates Jessica and is convinced she must have stolen the Disneyland money.

Mark Riteman is starting to get suspicious about what Ellen and Jessica found in the box, and he goes snooping in Ellen’s room. He has to hide in the closet when Ellen and Jessica come in and start talking about the money. They find and he demands his share of the money or he’s going to tell on them. Jessica takes the box of letters and photographs home with her, so when Mark tries to tattle, he doesn’t have any proof.

Amy is feeling down because she was in charge of the Disneyland money and everyone thinks she stole it. Trying to cheer her up, Liz tells her she thinks maybe it was Ellen and Jessica. Amy gets pissed and tells Caroline that Ellen and Jessica stole the money, so by the end of the day everyone is giving them dirty looks. Liz tells Amy she doesn’t appreciate her spreading rumors and Amy is a little bitch about the whole thing. Ken sees Liz is upset and tries to make her feel better, and of course Amy thinks this means Ken has the hots for Liz. She tells Liz she can’t be her campaign manager anymore, and instead goes to the Peter DeHaven camp.

Liz tells Jessica everyone thinks she and Ellen stole the money, and she’s pissed because nobody wants a class treasurer whose sister is a thief. It’s all about YOU, Liz. And the next morning, Peter comes to school looking like a normal person instead of a nerd. Amy has given him a fakeover, so now he wears jeans and t-shirts instead of brown slacks and button-down shirts. When it comes time for the campaign speeches, Peter sings a song and does a dance and the audience goes wild. Liz can’t find her speech because Jessica took her notebook to copy her math homework. She has to wing it and she does a crappy job. Afterward, Jessica confesses to taking her notebook, and Liz goes crazy, accusing Jessica of trying to ruin her life.

Mr. Bowman sends Liz and Amy to the supply closet to get some paper. They get locked in. Before they’re rescued, they manage to make up and also find the missing class money. Hooray! They hurry home to tell Jessica she’s off the hook for stealing the money, but Steve says she and Ellen are hiding out somewhere. In fact, they’re waiting on Ellen’s front porch, with the treasure chest, ready to confess everything. Mrs. Wakefield and Mrs. Riteman have both been called to the school because even the teachers have heard the rumor about the class money.

While they’re waiting, Ellen and Jessica see a woman walking up the street toward Ellen’s house. She looks exactly like the girl in the pictures they found, so naturally, they assume she’s a ghost who wants her two hundred dollars back. She’s not. Her name is Laura and she’s the granddaughter of the treasure chest girl. She wanted to see her grandparents’ old house while she was in town on business. Mrs. Riteman and Mrs. Wakefield pull up right then and the girls confess everything. And then Amy and Liz show up to tell them the class money has been found. Laura reads her grandparents’ letters and it helps her make a decision about her own love life, and she tells Ellen and Jessica they can keep the money they found. Liz wins the class treasurer election and everything is great.

Quotes:

Elizabeth closed her eyes. This was worse than any nightmare she had ever dreamed.

Liz must have pretty tame nightmares.

The Cover: That’s pretty much exactly how I always pictured Ellen. Minus the “OMG there’s a ghost coming up my driveway” expression on her face.

 

My worst fears have been realized! There will be a follow-up to Sweet Valley Confidential.

It was announced today at The New York Times that a new series will begin next spring. It will be a digital-only series with installments coming out each month.

So, to recap:

Bad news = The Wakefields will be sticking around for even more terrible books.

Good news = The new series will probably keep me in the blogging business for the next fifteen years.

The Moral of the Story: You can’t make friends unless you can win contests.

The Big Deal: Mini Olympics

New Kid with a Problem: Pamela Jacobson, heart condition

Synopsis:

Liz’s new friend this week is Pamela Jacobson. Pamela is a recent transfer to Sweet Valley Middle School. She has a heart condition and was attending the “special” school, but all she wants is to be a normal kid! So she’s gotten her parents to let her transfer, but at the first sign of fatigue or depression, it’s back to Ridgedale.

Steven Wakefield has been annoying the twins by saying he has ESP. They want him to STFU, so they tell him people with ESP have visions. That night Jessica puts on a ghost costume and climbs a ladder up to Steve’s window. Steve opens the shade and starts screaming, and he scares Jessica so much that she falls off the ladder and sprains her ankle. She has a fun time getting fawned over at school the next day, but by the second day she’s sick of her crutches and she just wants her old life back, dammit.

Jessica has been put in charge of the Mini Olympics at school. Ever since Liz started getting to know Pamela, she’s been trying to get Jessica to change the Olympics and put in more activities for kids who can’t do athletic stuff. Jessica thought it was a lame idea, but now that she’s handicapped herself, she thinks Liz just might be on to something. She doesn’t care anything about Pamela, but Lila’s been trying to take over her job as chairman and Jessica thinks this is the perfect opportunity to get the power back.

Pamela’s parents don’t think she’s progressing very well at normal school, and they’ve decided that she’ll go back to Ridgedale next month if things don’t improve. They seem convinced that since she can’t do anything athletic, she’s totally isolated from the rest of the kids. I don’t get it. I never did anything athletic in school and I don’t feel like I was ever lacking in friends. But whatever…Pamela says she’d like to stay at Sweet Valley Middle, and her eighth-grade brother is pissed because he’s embarrassed of her. Pamela starts thinking they’re right, that the fact that she can’t participate in the Mini Olympics means she shouldn’t have even tried to go to a normal school.

Jessica goes to Pamela’s house and tells her she needs her advice about what kind of special activities can be added to the Mini Olympics, and she convinces Pamela to go to that night’s committee meeting with her. She figures that if Pamela is there, the faculty advisers won’t put up too much of a fight about changing things around. She also figures that Lila will argue and end up looking like a jerk. Who needs enemies, right?

Pamela and Jessica spend many long hours reorganizing the plans for the Olympics. What they come up with is ridiculous. One of the new events is a bed-making contest, which is just, like, what? But okay, fine. Let’s say there’s someone on your team who is awesome at making beds. You can’t just put that person in the bed-making contest. Names will be drawn at random to decide who will participate in each event. I think this is really dumb. Only Lila agrees with me.

The day is broken up into three parts. First, the talent competition. Each team puts on a skit and performs a song. Next, Brainpower. Spelling bees and such. Then, the bed-making and wheelchair races, along with Crutch Croquet and junk like that. So, no actual sports at all. I thought this new version was supposed to accommodate everyone?

Pamela and Jessica both end up on the blue team, and they’re tied with Lila and the red team at the end of the day. The last event is the wheelchair race, and Pamela wins it for the blue team. Way to go, Pam. I’m a little confused, though. The entire book, we’re told she can’t even walk up a flight of stairs without stopping to rest her weak heart, but she can exert herself enough to win a wheelchair race? Whatever, good job, blue team. Pamela’s father sees how much everyone loves her now that she’s won something, and he decides she can stay at Sweet Valley.

Setup for the next book: Ellen and Jessica find a mysterious box buried in Ellen’s back yard.

Quotes:

“Unless you’re really pretty, or really good at sports, or really smart, no one notices you.”

That’s right, Liz. If you’re not doing anything terribly noticeable, you probably won’t get noticed.

Lila frowned. “It sounds ridiculous,” she said. “Who ever heard of a bed-making contest in a Mini Olympics?”

Indeed, Lila. I hear you, sister.

The Cover: I don’t really know what the tag line has to do with anything. “Is Jessica really as perfect as she thinks she is?” I guess? Pamela’s cute, but I hate her 80s hair. Jessica seems to be swimming in that huge pink sweatshirt.

 

The Moral of the Story: You have to be talented if you’re poor. Otherwise nobody will like you.

The Big Deal: Party at the Wakefields’

Synopsis:

Jessica is disgusted by Liz’s behavior. Know why? No, she’s not trying to get the color purple outlawed or anything like that. It’s because she’s hanging out with Sophia Rizzo. Sophia is POOR! Her brother is a CRIMINAL! Their mother is DISABLED! Liz being friends with her is the worst thing that’s ever happened to Jessica.

Ned Wakefield has a client who has a daughter the twins’ age, and this client has invited one of the twins to L. A. to hang out with the daughter. Liz automatically offers to stay home and let Jessica go, but Ned insists the girls draw straws. Jessica loses. This, too, is the worst thing that’s ever happened to Jessica.

Sweet Valley Middle School is going to put on a play, and the two best English students from each grade are chosen to write it. Sophia and Liz are the sixth grade representatives, and Jessica can’t stand that Liz is going to be working with Sophia. Because, remember, she’s POOR! Even brother Steven warns Liz not to get too close to the Rizzos. He knows Sophia’s brother, Tony, is a CRIMINAL who went to REFORM SCHOOL. Sophia comes over to work on the play one night. Lila happens to be there, and Jessica tells her Sophia’s there to pick up a box of old clothes. She says this, of course, right in front of Sophia.

Liz is worried at the first play committee meeting because the two seventh grade reps are Mary Robinson and Peter Jeffries, a Unicorn and a friend of Bruce Patman’s. Liz is sure Sophia is going to have a rough time, but it all turns out surprisingly well. The other kids like Sophia’s ideas and she’s chosen as the head writer of the play. Liz is feeling good about things until she gets home and sees Steven’s black eye. Tony Rizzo punched him in the face, so now Steve and Jessica are pissed at Liz. Weird Wakefield logic, don’t ask.

When the Wakefield parents see Steve’s black eye, they tell Liz she can’t hang out with Sophia outside of school anymore. That really sucks because Liz just told Sophia she’d throw her a birthday party at the Wakefield house next month. See, Sophia’s never had a birthday party, on account of her being so POOR. Things are even worse when Liz finds out her trip to L. A. is on Sophia’s birthday. She begs her parents to let Jessica go instead, but they say that just wouldn’t be fair. Okay, the Wakefield parents are being ridiculous this week.

Steven suggests the twins switch places so Jessica can go to L. A. Ned and Alice are going to be at an all day beach party that Saturday, so Liz figures she can throw Sophia a little party while everyone is gone. Jessica loves the idea of switching places, of course, and thinks Liz is the best sister ever, but then in the same conversation she gets all pissy about Sophia writing the damn school play. She says she won’t be auditioning and neither will any of the other Unicorns because nobody wants to be involved with Sophia in any way.

Sophia collides with Jessica and Lila in the hallway at school and papers go flying everywhere. Before Sophia can pick them up, Lila snatches a page and starts dramatically reading a scene from the play. All the kids who have suddenly gathered around start laughing and Sophia runs away. Liz runs after her and Sophia tells her how much her life sucks. When she asks Liz to come home with her, Liz can’t help but say yes. She starts spending time at Sophia’s every night to work on the play, but she feels totally guilty about it. I don’t know why she doesn’t just tell her parents she and Sophia have to work on school stuff together.

Almost nobody will try out for the play at first, but after a few roles are cast and scenes are performed in English classes, people start to come around. Eventually, Jessica is the only holdout, but Liz tells her she won’t let her go to L. A. in her place unless Jessica at least goes to watch the play.

Opening night is a roaring success, and the last scene moves everyone to tears. After the actors take their bows, someone in the audience starts chanting, “Author! Author! Author!” Does that really happen? Sophia takes another bow, and on the way home, Jessica and Steven admit they were wrong about Sophia. Even the Wakefield parents concede that she’s talented. How nice of them.

Jessica goes off to L. A. the next day, Ned and Alice leave for their party, and Steven has some kind of basketball thing he has to go to. As soon as Liz is alone, she calls Amy and Julie to come over and set up for Sophia’s party. Pretty much the whole school – including Lila and Bruce – show up since Sophia’s a famous playwright now, but Ned and Alice come home early, before Sophia gets there. Oh, no! But wait, it’s all good. Liz had good intentions, so she’s off the hook. Ned even drives to the Rizzos’ house to pick up Sophia’s mother and bring her back to the party. While there, he gives Tony the number of a psychologist who might be able to help him out. Then Alice offers Mrs. Rizzo a position designing afghans for her interior design firm. Sophia has the best birthday ever and the world explodes in a sugary ball of cheese.

Quotes:

She was small and dark like her daughter, and, like Sophia, her clothes were faded from age and countless washings.

Sophia is faded from age and countless washings? (Cheap shot, I know, but misplaced modifiers crack me up.)

As her path took her back into her own familiar neighborhood, filled with spacious homes on carefully manicured lawns, Elizabeth wished that more people shared Sophia’s talent for understanding others. But, as Jessica came bounding out of the Wakefields’ front door, Elizabeth wondered if the happy, pampered kids of Sweet Valley would ever be able to put themselves in Sophia’s place.

Oh, not like you, Elizabeth! You’re the only kid in the whole world who can look past your carefully manicured lawn and reach out to the hopeless po’ folks.

The Cover: Liz looks like she’ll pull a muscle if she gets any friendlier. Amy looks like she just woke up. And actually, if I had to guess which kid on this cover is the poor one, I’d guess Amy. She looks like crap. At least Sophia’s shirt fits her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Liz: Okay, it was super fun making out with you. Gotta go now!

Todd: We have GOT to do something about this curfew business.

I know! Why don’t I move in with you while your parents are out of town this weekend?

That would be against the rules, Todd. You know how I feel about rule-breaking.

Do I ever…

Morgan: Dude, I’m totally bummed the Soundgarden concert is sold out.

Lila: I tried all my connections! Wait a minute…I’ll talk to Winston! He always has tickets.

I heard that and I now have a Devious Plan.

Winston, I’m going to buy those tickets from you and take Morgan to the concert. Thanks!

Liz: I thought Lila was going to the concert with Morgan!

Jessica: Pssh, whatevs, I’m stealing him.

Liz: That bitch! Even though she does something like this every day, I’m completely shocked at her behavior.

Winston: What do you think of my O face?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get out of here, Todd. Hi, Morgan! I heard Lila got tickets to see Swan Lake on Sunday. Awesome!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swan Lake is ballet! That’s for girls!

Oh, just tell her you can’t go because you’re going to Soundgarden with me!

Alone at last!

Jessica: Oh, hey, Todd. Nice underwear that’s for some reason sitting here on the couch.

Liz: Jessica, please don’t tell Mom about Todd staying here. It’s no big deal! He’s just sleeping on the couch!

Jessica: Oh, I won’t tell…

…if you give me the credit card and let me throw a party tomorrow night.

I wish I could say no to you, but I just…can’t.

 

 

 

 

 

And now it’s time for a montage. A shopping-like-we’re-married montage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Surprise! I made dinner!

This is disgusting. I can’t eat this shit.

Well, la-di-da. Maybe we should just watch television instead.

Liz: Great! Let’s watch this boring old romance movie.

Todd: Uh, no. Let’s watch basketball instead.

Todd: Woo! Yeah! Basketball! Lakers! Woo!

Liz: Pay attention to me! Look at me!

He doesn’t even notice that I’m stomping away in a huff!

I love my basketball so much I have to take it with me to get a drink in the middle of the night.

Liz: I sensed someone was doing something unmannerly. Use a cup, please.

Lila: Big party at the Wakefield house tonight!

Todd: I can’t find the sports section! Liz, what did you do with it?

Liz: I threw it away.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

We don’t have time for this, children. We have a party to get ready for!

Like my two hundred dollar dress?

Party! Woo!

Lila: I know this is a few more people than you wanted, but you stole my man so I hate you.

Jessica: Yeah, whatever.

Liz: Who are all these people? Get rid of them!

Liz: This weekend sucks!

Todd: Gee, thanks! Guess I’ll go home!

Would you two shut up? You’re going to ruin the party!

Hey, guys! Look! I’m about to do something wacky!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, no! I’m knocking everybody down!

My dress!

Look what you’ve done now, Todd!

Todd, you’ve treated me like crap all weekend!

Jessica: Look at my dress! This is all your fault, Liz. The store will never take it back now!

Liz: What are we going to do?

Todd: We’ll figure it out, darling. This is all our fault.

Todd: Let’s just do what Jessica would do!

You guys! I can’t find my concert tickets!

That’s ’cause we sold them. I had to pay off the credit card bill somehow!

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you want, Lila?

I just wanted to thank Liz for selling me these Soundgarden tickets.

Morgan: Hey, Jessica, thanks for the tickets! Too bad you got sick.

We got you!

Oh, don’t worry, Jess, you can still go to the concert…

…with Winston!

I hate you guys.

The Moral of the Story: All girls love horses.

The Big Deal: Sleepover at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Elizabeth has recently become obsessed with horses and she’s just started taking riding lessons. Coincidentally, Lila Fowler’s rich daddy has just bought her a horse. Because all little girls love horses, Lila suddenly has a million new friends who all want to come to the stable to see Thunder the horse. Lila, basking in the glow of all the attention she’s receiving, asks Liz to write an article about her and Thunder. This makes Liz furious for some reason, but Jessica tells her she should suck it up and maybe she’ll get to meet the horse. Just as Jessica predicted, Liz tells Lila she’ll do the article and Lila invites Liz to the stable.

Lila takes Liz to meet Thunder, and I just want to mention the spare set of riding clothes she lets Liz wear. This getup includes:

• Stetson hat
• Wool-challis shirt
• Matching silk bandana
• Riding pants
• Belt with mother-of-pearl buckle
• Buckskin vest
• Chaps
• Calfskin boots

My goodness. Liz puts on all this ridiculousness and marvels that it all fits so well. Anyway, it’s love at first sight when Liz meets Thunder for the first time. She rides him around like a pro, even though she’s only had one lesson. She has the time of her life, but then she has to talk to Lila about newspaper stuff, and she hates Lila. However, she knows that if she’s nice, Lila might let her see Thunder again. So she starts hanging out with Lila all the time and letting the Unicorns copy her homework. This is scandalous stuff for Elizabeth Wakefield.

Lila mentions that she needs someone to groom and exercise Thunder every day, and Liz immediately volunteers. She begins spending all her free time at the stable, and everyone thinks she’s Thunder’s owner. This causes great inner turmoil (the Liz Wakefield brand of turmoil): Liz feels bad for deceiving everyone, but she still doesn’t tell anyone the truth. As for me, I don’t see why it matters who Thunder belongs to. There’s a contest coming up for riders. Liz really wants to enter, but she doesn’t think she can since she’s not Thunder’s owner. Blarg.

One night, the twins are at the stable and they meet the new stable boy. His name is Ted and he’s smitten with Liz. Jessica is jealous. She is also jealous of all the time Lila and Liz have been spending together. She gets uber pissed when Liz is invited to a sleepover at Lila’s. Of course, it’s not like Liz has any fun. All the Unicorns want to do is gossip and watch music videos. (What does Liz do at slumber parties? That sounds about right to me…) When they start making fun of Amy and saying no boy will ever like her, Liz blurts out that Ken Matthews kissed Amy at Julie Porter’s party last week. She’s immediately sorry because the kiss was supposed to be a secret, and she asks the Unicorns to promise they won’t say anything. Yeah, right.

Ted the stable boy has become friends with Steven and he comes over to the Wakefield house for dinner one night. Naturally, it comes out that Liz is not Thunder’s owner. She’s beyond humiliated. Ted doesn’t give a crap and thinks Liz should enter the contest anyway. Liz is super excited about the contest, but she doesn’t tell anyone but Amy.

Bored….bored bored bored.

Finally, the day of the competition arrives. After school, the Unicorns start making kissy sounds at Amy. Lila says Liz told them all about Amy and Ken kissing at Julie’s party. Amy gets pissed and blabs about Liz and the riding competition. Both angry, Amy and Lila rush to the stable to yell at Liz. But before anyone gets a chance to say anything to her, Liz goes off on Lila and tells her she’s sick of pretending to like her. She says Thunder would be sure to win the competition, but it’s too bad because Liz isn’t going to ride him even though she really wants to. She stalks off, followed by Amy, who is too awed by Liz’s sacrifice to be mad anymore. Lila calls after Liz and tries to convince her to compete, but Liz won’t do it because she knows Lila just wants the trophy. Who cares? Just ride the damned horse. But you know Liz and her boring morals. Ted enters the competition instead, Thunder wins and Ted offers to buy Thunder from Lila. Yay.

Setup for the next book: A girl from the wrong side of the tracks wants to join the Sixers. Caroline Pearce does not approve.

Quotes:

The car pulled into the curved driveway and stopped in front of the Fowlers’ Georgian house. Elizabeth admired the formal boxwood garden and the long, manicured lawn. But there was something missing, she thought. For all its perfect beauty, it just didn’t look like the kind of place she could call home.

That’s because a house just isn’t a home unless it’s a split-level ranch on Calico Drive, right?

The Cover: Liz looks like she learned that pose from an angry dominatrix, but look at the grip she’s got on that whip! I think she really wants to beat the crap out of Lila and her weird long neck.

 

The Moral of the Story: Hey, all you foster kids. Don’t make any rash decisions about letting people adopt you. Your real parents are probably out there looking for you.

Synopsis:

The Unicorns need to raise money to sponsor a dance, so they decide to collect recipes from their favorite celebrities and sell them in a celebrity cookbook. Jessica volunteers Liz and her typewriter, and because Liz has no choice but to succumb to Jessica’s every whim, she agrees. She’s supposed to call Mr. Bowman to get some information for her Career Day article, but she has Jessica call him instead while she types Jessica’s letter to Parker Smith. Naturally, Jessica doesn’t write anything down, and she gets all the names and dates wrong when she relays the information to Liz. Blah blah blah, Liz has to stay up all night retyping her article after Mr. Bowman tells her everything is wrong.

Mary Giaccio has been hanging around the Wakefield house a lot lately. Jessica is irritated because it seems like Mary would rather hang out with Mrs. Wakefield than with Jessica. Mary invites herself over almost every day. Jessica pretends to be sick one day just so she can tell Mary she can’t come over, but she just comes home with Liz instead. Jessica’s getting pissed. Liz notices Mary’s obsession with Mrs. Wakefield, too, and she reluctantly agrees when Jessica asks her not to invite Mary over anymore.

After a few days of making up excuses whenever Mary invites herself over, Liz goes ahead and tells her the truth, that Mary follows Mrs. Wakefield around all the time and it’s weird. Mary spends a few days being depressed, and then she gives Jessica her bracelet so they can be friends again. Mary’s had this bracelet for as long as she can remember, and Jessica has always admired it.

And that’s how it comes to pass that Mary and Jessica are hanging out at the Wakefield house when they spill grape juice on the “ditto master” of the school newspaper. Instead of telling Liz what happened, they decide to fix it themselves, changing headlines as Jessica sees fit and misspelling words all over the place. Ned Wakefield comes home that night and says Mary’s foster mother called him that day. She and her husband are interested in adopting Mary and they want to know the legal process. Now Ned is an adoption lawyer. Jessica thinks this is wonderful news and she knows just how to spread the word. She sneaks the newspaper into her room and handwrites a line about Mary getting adopted in the gossip column.

Mary is horrified when the paper comes out, and so is Liz. Mary tells Liz she could never let anyone adopt her because she’s sure her real mother is out there somewhere, looking for her. When Mary was little, her mother left her in the care of a friend while she went to Florida to care for her sick grandmother. The friend took Mary to California and then abandoned her. The authorities took Mary and put her in foster care, and nobody’s been able to find Mary’s mother in the last seven years.

Until one day…

Liz is sitting outside the school waiting for Amy when a woman who looks just like her mother shows up. She’s looking for Mary. Liz knows Mary is at home with Jessica, so she takes this strange woman to her house. Liz, didn’t anyone ever tell you about STRANGER DANGER? Anyway, Liz figures out this woman is Mary’s mother.

So, big reunion. Lots of hugging. Mary’s mother is so enchanted with Sweet Valley that she decides to move there. The celebrity cookbook is a success and the school newspaper wins a contest. Just another day in Sweet Valley.

Quotes:

“Hi, Amy and Elizabeth,” interrupted Lois. She lumbered over to the stage.

Fat people have to “lumber” around. Because, you know, they’re fat.

The Cover: Liz, wipe that smug off your face. You did not find Mary’s mother for her. And can we discuss Mary’s hair for a moment? It looks like a mop.

 

We have a giveaway winner! Commenter Liz, by virtue of an Excel spreadsheet and a random number generator, you are the winner of a copy of Sweet Valley Confidential and a really awesome t-shirt!

Thanks to everyone who participated, and I hope you all enjoyed Sweet Valley Confidential day! We’ll return to our regular Sweet Valley Twins posting schedule next week.