Hey. Hey you. Better move, we’re coming through.

That’s my very favorite cheer! I love cheerleading almost as much as I love being a slut!

Patty: Yeah, too bad you’re going to be on academic probation.

Jessica: Whatever, all I have to do is ace Mr. Russo’s next chemistry test.

Hmm, I wonder what Mr. Russo has going on inside his computer…

Personal and confidential, you say? We’ll just see about that.

I’ll just work a little of my Cool Dork mojo, and ta-da! It’s that simple.

All right, nerd porn!

A love letter to the school secretary? I’d better make copies!

Liz: Oh, no! Enid, I totally forgot about my anniversary with Todd!

Enid: Gee, Liz, what a shame. I think you should break up with him. The magic obviously isn’t there anymore, and maybe you’d like to see what it’s like to be a les -

Todd: Excuse me, Enid. I have the urge to jam my tongue into Liz’s throat.

Enid: Of course, Todd. I understand that urge completely.

Liz: Hi, Todd. Wow, this is so weird. You have the date wrong! Our anniversary is…um…Wednesday!

Todd: Are you sure? I’ve had today’s date circled in red hearts on my calendar for weeks.

Liz: Oh, yeah, totally sure!

Winston: Hey, guys. Guess who’s boning Rosemary the secretary?

It’s not you, is it?

Nope, the lucky guy is Mr. Russo. I found this love letter when I hacked into his computer!

Is my Devious Plan face showing?

Enid: Liz, do you know how happy it makes me when you let me come over to watch the shopping network with you?

Liz: Yes, Enid. You tell me every time you come over here. But all the stuff they sell on this channel is stupid.

OMG, is that a pair of AUTOGRAPHED SHAQUILLE O’NEAL SHOES? Todd would love those!

Here’s the phone! The faster you dial, the faster you break my heart!

Oh, Wiiiiinstooonnn. Why don’t you come over here and sit with me, stud?

How would you like to come back to my place and help me do some…studying?

Jessica: It sure is nice of you to help me out, Win! Say, would you mind getting me a glass of water?

Winston: Boobs boobs boobs boobs…

Where is Mr. Russo’s password? It must be somewhere here in Winston’s bag!

Liz: What am I going to do? Todd’s present was supposed to be here today!

Jessica: What? Who cares?

Jessica: Come on, Winnie. Let’s go somewhere a little more private.

Winston: OKAY!

Liz: Did anyone happen to see this note? I was wondering where mom had gone off to…

Winston: Why are we here?

Jessica: Computers turn me on.

It especially turns me on when a boy uses one. Why don’t you sit down?

Jessica: Hey, maybe you could show me how you hacked into Mr. Russo’s account.

Winston: Oh, it was nothing, really. I know he likes soccer, so I typed in the name of the world’s greatest soccer player, Pele.

Excellent. This is my Devious Plan Working Splendidly face.

I can’t believe this! What do you mean it won’t be here until Friday?!

Oh man, this guy again.

Funny thing, Todd. I was just reading my old diaries, and it turns out our anniversary isn’t until Friday!

You mean I have to wait AGAIN?

And now it’s time for a montage. A this-test-is-so-hard-for-everyone-but-Jessica montage

Winston: Let’s go celebrate now that the test is over!

Jessica: No way, loser.

Jessica, you got an A+ on this test. I know someone stole a copy from my computer’s hard drive. Since there’s no way you’re smart enough to have passed without cheating, I’m accusing you.

It was Winston!

As proof, I’ll show you this love letter. I realize I could have gotten this when I stole the test and it doesn’t actually prove anything, but hey, I’m pretty.

Winston, you’re suspended.

Bruce: Hey, Winston! If you don’t graduate high school because of your suspension, I’ll give you a job restringing my tennis racket. Ha! I’m so funny and rich.

I just don’t get it. Nobody knew the password except for me!

You didn’t tell it to Jessica, did you?

Winston: Oh, no.

Lila: You told Jessica? Oh my god, you’re so stupid.

Just a couple more years until college. Gotta practice getting my drink on.

Liz: Jessica, you are the scum of the earth! How could you get Winston suspended?

Liz, you could manipulate guys if you wanted to. Here, I’ll show you how to suck on a popsicle in a way that will make guys do whatever you want.

Don’t change the subject! I’m not going to let you get away with this!

Whatever. I’ll just take my popsicle and leave.

Wait! I kind of…wanted to learn…the sucking thing…

Liz: Mr. Russo, don’t you think it’s a little weird that your best student would need to cheat on the test?

Mr. Russo: Well, come to think of it, I did find it strange. But Jessica said it was Winston and I know she’s trustworthy.

Winston didn’t do it, you moron. I can prove it.

Hey, class! Someone stole the last test, so I’m giving a new test tomorrow. Study hard!

Jessica: Hey, nerdy guy. Like my outfit? No? Well then, get out.

Ah, alone at last. Now, what was that password? Paco? Polo? Pikachu? Pele!

Access denied? Look behind me? What the hell?

Jessica: Oh, hi, everyone. I swear I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

Mr. Russo: You’re suspended.

Liz: Neener, neener, neener.

Jessica: You guys, I had the best week off from school.

Glad you enjoyed it, because now you’re on academic probation.

And you have a ton of homework to make up!

But I’ll never finish all this work!

Oh, Winston! How would you like to write a few papers for me?

Uh, how about no?

What…? How…? Damn these books for blocking his view of my chest.

Enid: So is it really your anniversary this time?

Liz: Yep. His present finally arrived!

Enid: Great. That’s just…great.

Liz: Happy anniversary, Todd!

Todd: Autographed Shaquille O’Neal shoes? Liz, this is the greatest present ever!

But they’re both left feet.

*sad trombone*

Bruce: My uncle Andy is coming to town. He’s a director.

Did you hear that? Bruce’s uncle is coming here to make a movie!

Bruce’s uncle is going to make a movie here. Brad Pitt’s going to be in it!

Bruce’s uncle! Movie! Brad Pitt! Isn’t that just the best gosh darn news you’ve ever heard?

Oh, Bruce, will you talk to your uncle for me? I’m going to be in MacBeth, you know.

Psh, as a witch. I’m going to be playing Lady MacBeth.

Hello, Steve. This is my evil plot face.

Jessica: I know you were supposed to review the play for The Oracle, but maybe you’d like to have these Pearl Jam tickets instead. I can’t use them since I’m going to be in the play.

Steve: I’m helpless to resist your beautiful evil plan face.

Hey, doll, I need you to cover the play. Steve’s going to the Pearl Jam concert.

But Mr. Collins, my sister is in that play!

Don’t worry about it, sweetcheeks. I know you can be objective.

Hi, Chuck. See this picture?

Jessica: I’m going to need you to send this picture and a copy of the review to Andy Patman as soon as the review comes in.

Chuck: I’m helpless to resist your evil plan face.

And now we need a montage. An upstaging montage.

Jessica: Loosely interpreted? Overacted? I’m going to kill her!

Jessica: Liz, how could you do this to me?

Elizabeth: Sorry, Jess. You just don’t understand what it’s like to be a real journalist. I had to be objective!

Lila: I showed Bruce’s uncle a copy of Liz’s review, and he put me in his movie!

Jessica, please talk to me! I’ll do anything! Want to compare boob sizes again?

I really wanted to be in that movie and now Lila’s going to be in it. You ruined my life! And my boobs are totally bigger than yours!

Oh my god, she’s right. I really have ruined her entire life with my review.

Mr. Patman, I know you hired Lila Fowler because of my review -

I didn’t even read that review. She just looked right for the part. Say, are you interested in acting. You’re so pretty!

No, but my twin sister totally is!

What about my look? Some people think I could be a model.

Your head and neck are shaped like a palm tree, kid. You’re not right for this commercial.

Palm tree?

Commercial?

I’m going to pretend I don’t see Lila coming this way…

…but I totally see her.

I’ve fallen down! Without a wet floor sign, I couldn’t tell the floor was wet, even though the person mopping is right in front of me!

Jessica, I got Bruce’s uncle to hire you!

Oh, Liz, I forgive you! Now I have to hurry away before you can tell me the rest of your news!

Elizabeth: But Jessica, it’s not a movie, it’s a comm -

Jessica: Whatever, bye!

I’m going to be in this commercial no matter what!

No way, I need someone who can dance!

I just happen to be an excellent dancer.

Good deal, switch parts.

Mmm, tomato soup is good!

I’m a tomato. A fucking tomato.

We sure are glad we’re always around to witness our friends’ humiliations.

A fucking tomato.

Enid: Hi, Dakota! Hi! You’re so artistic!

Lila: I can’t believe Dakota is using Enid as a model for his painting.

Jessica: Not for long.

Winston: You guys are so cute, I just have to put you on the graffiti wall!

Bruce: Mr. Cooper, this is a really great picture of you on the graffiti wall. Ha ha, I’m so cool.

Mr. Cooper: I’m confiscating this!

Liz: That’s censorship! I won’t stand for it! Gather around me, fellow students, while I crusade for free speech and the right to humiliate authority figures!

Dakota: I’m deep and artistic. You can tell by my long hair.

Oh, Dakota…

Oh, Dak-ohh-ta…

Hello, Dakota.

Dakota: Oh, yeah, hey. Would you mind washing these brushes?

Enid: Wow, that looks great! I’m so lucky to be your model!

Enid: What are you doing here?

Jessica: I’m Dakota’s new assistant!

I wonder if there’s anything in this book about what to do when you look twelve and all your friends look twenty.

Jessica: I have something totally important to tell you about Dakota!

Enid: Yeah, right. You’ve never been nice to me.

Jessica: Fine, I’ll just leave and you’ll never know…

Enid: Jessica, wait! Your clever ruse was too much! I have to know what you wanted to tell me!

Jessica: Oh, nothing. Just that Dakota plans to paint you in the nude.

WHAT?!

Jessica: Don’t be such a baby, Enid. I’ll take care of telling him you don’t want to do it.

Enid: Gee, thanks. You’re so helpful and I don’t suspect anything strange is going on.

Todd: Here comes Mr. Cooper. He looks pretty mad about that article you wrote about censorship.

Mr. Cooper: I’m pretty mad about that article you wrote about censorship.

Liz: I’m sorry, Mr. Cooper, but you gave us that graffiti wall. You have no right to tell us what to put on it.

Mr. Cooper: Come on now, does that make sense to you?

Hello, Dakota. I’m here in my awesome picnic outfit. Enid can’t make it…

…so I’ll be your model.

Dakota: *sigh* I guess you’ll do.

Jessica: Liz, why are you at the mall with us popular girls? I can’t talk about how I scammed Enid when you’re here.

Liz: You did what?

Jessica: Oh, yeah. I totally did.

Lila and No-Name: Jessica is so awesome. I want to be her.

Jessica: So, Lila. How jealous are you that I’m about to be famous?

Lila: Whatever, it’s just a high school art show.

Mr. Cooper: Okay, kids. This is a super important painting done by our super important painter. And here it is!

Jessica: Oh my god.

Lila: Whoa.

Liz and No-Name: I don’t believe it!

Dakota: Ha, she’s totally naked.

Lila and No-Name: Enid, why are you sitting with us?

Enid: Because you hate Jessica now, right?

Jessica: Why is everyone staring at me? Haven’t you ever seen a naked girl before?

Boys: No, no we haven’t.

Liz: It’s too bad Jessica can’t be as wholesome as me.

Todd: *daydreaming* What? Oh, right. Wholesome. It’s the best.

Jessica: Liz, I didn’t pose naked for him! Don’t you believe me?

Liz: Not even a little bit, but I’ll help you.

Liz: Was my sister naked?

Dakota: No, but I totally pictured her naked, so that’s what I painted.

Liz: Huh, she was actually telling the truth. Good thing I’m recording this conversation.

Liz: Listen, guys, Jessica is innocent!

Lila: But what are we going to do about Dakota?

Jessica: I have a plan.

Hey, Dakota. Would you like to have a picnic with me?

Dakota: This sure is nice. I don’t suspect a thing.

Jessica: Let’s go skinny-dipping!

Hold on, I have some towels in the Jeep. Be right back!

This is going to be so awesome.

Ha! You’re naked and we’re taking pictures!

Dude, this totally sucks.

Winston: I really wish you hadn’t made Dakota paint a swimsuit on you.

Todd: Dude, me too.

Mr. Cooper: Elizabeth, I just want to apologize to you. You were right. It’s totally okay to undermine authority and make the school faculty look like idiots. Here, take this picture and put it back on the graffiti wall.

Liz: I knew you’d see things my way eventually.

Dakota: I painted your swimsuit on, so give me the film.

We’re so awesome. Hooray!

Mr. Collins: Hey, twins. The Oracle’s going live with our very own school news show!

Liz: Wow, what a great opportunity! I’m signing up right now!

Jessica: Totally lame.

Russ: Hi, I’m Russ. I’m working on the show.

Jessica: Totally awesome. Mind if I check out some of your…equipment?

Lila: Why are Liz and Enid sitting with me? They’re such nerds.

Bruce: Winston, you and I have just got to stop playing pranks on one another.

Winston: Okay, truce.

Oh, you bastard. The old glue-on-the-seat trick.

Winston smash!

Why, Elizabeth. You’re here awfully late.

Oh, hi, Mr. Collins! I’m just doing some fact checking for my audition tape.

Excellent. I’ll just stand here looking creepy until you’ve finished.

Nothing like a montage! An audition taping montage.

God, how can Liz’s tape be so much better than mine? Oh, well, I’ll just switch the tapes. Nobody will ever notice!

Mr. Collins: I can’t believe Liz’s tape was so bad. I was counting on her!

Jessica got anchor and I didn’t? What the hell?

Jessica: Hi, guys. Russ and I are so gorgeous together, aren’t we? Don’t forget to watch me on the air tomorrow.

Jessica: Liz, wake up! You have to write my stories for the news show!

Liz: Fine, but I’ll never help you again!

Bitch stole my audition!

Jessica: Where have you been? I need my stories!

Liz: Fuck off, whore.

Mr. Collins: Come on, Jessica, you’re on the air!

Hi, um, I’m a dumb blonde and I don’t know what to say.

Mr. Collins: I should have known. Go save your sister.

Mr. Collins: You’re in trouble now, girly.

Jessica: Oh, Mr. Collins. Are you going to get the paddle?

Winston: Golly gee, I’m so funny. I love playing tricks on Bruce.

You’re such a nightmare, Jessica, but you’re so darn lovable!

Say, Russ, what say we drive up to Miller’s Point after school?

Russ: Yeah, I don’t think so. You’re really dumb.

Russ: See ya.

Jessica: This has never happened to me before. I don’t know what to do.

A little something special to help with the mid-week blahs. Enjoy!

Hey guys, we’re here at the dance. Even though we’re both incredibly beautiful, we couldn’t be more different!

Nerdy Girl: Hi, Liz, I voted for you for queen! Can we be friends now?

Jessica: I’m Jessica, you nerdy freak.

Nerdy Girl: Sorry! You look so much alike!

Enid: Where’s Liz? I don’t see her anywhere. I might die if I can’t find her and tell her how much I love h– Wait, there she is!

Liz: Enid, I’m so majorly pissed at Todd for nominating me for queen. He’s been making all my decisions for me and I hate him!

Winston: I think Liz is pissed at you, Wizzer.

Todd: *sigh* I told you never to call me that.

Hi, I’m Scott. I’m a thirty-year-old college student who likes to crash high school dances for no readily apparent reason except that high school chicks dig me.

Jessica: Who is that?

Lila: That’s Scott. Isn’t he dreamy?

Black girl with no name: I dig him.

Jessica: Back off, No Name, he’s mine.

So, as you all know, my name is Bruce and I’m awesome. And gorgeous. And rich. I’m also incredibly cool and handsome. Oh, and here are the nominees for queen:

Amy Sutton [dude...wtf happened with that casting call?]

Jessica: I’m so going to win.

Liz: Wow, thanks guys. I was really mad when my boyfriend put my name in, but now that I’ve won I guess it’s not that bad!

Winston: Wow, I’m the king! *insert near-funny joke* I get to dance with Liz now, woohoo!

What…the…fuck?

Todd: Has Liz been in a motorcycle accident induced coma recently?

Liz: Todd won’t dance with me, so I’ll dance with you instead.

Scott: Why don’t we do the sex dance you were just doing with that other guy?

Jessica: I can’t believe my sister is dancing with the guy I like! My very own flesh and blood!

Liz: It’s Scott on the phone! What do I tell him? I mean, I do have a super hunky boyfriend even if I am mad at him.

Jessica: Go out with Scott, stupid! Hey, do you think he can see my cleavage through the phone?

Todd: I’m sorry about the other night.

Liz: Oh, Todd, I just love you.

Todd: Yeah, I’m sorry I wouldn’t dance with you. So, let’s go do something tonight.

Liz: Dammit, you were supposed to apologize for nominating me for queen. I still hate you and I’m going out with Scott tonight.

Jessica: Hey, Scott, this is Elizabeth. Don’t worry about picking me up tonight, I’ll meet you at the party, ‘kay?

Liz: Are you sure this looks good?

Jessica: Of course it does! It’s better than that dumb pink sweater you wear every day. Besides, it’s not like you’re going to the party anyway.

Liz: What?

Jessica: Oh, nothing. You look great!

Scott: I just swing my hips back and forth and call it dancing.

Jessica: You know who really likes dancing? My sister Jessica.

Scott: Does she have boobs like yours?

Liz: I can’t believe I’m waiting here in this horrible jacket. I’m outta here.

Liz: Todd! I can’t believe I found you here in our special spot! Are you sorry about the correct thing yet?

Todd: Yes, Liz. Let’s make out.

Lila: Guys, Elizabeth Wakefield writes the Eyes and Ears column, oh my god!

Winston: Yes! We get to throw her in the pool!

Enid: Shh, here she comes.

Liz and Todd: Oh, hi guys. We’re totally in love again.

Drunk frat boy: Dude, you’re that chick who was at that party with Scott. Wooo!

Liz and Todd: Jessica! Let’s go show up at the party and bother her.

Scott: Hey, baby…

Jessica: No way, dude, you’re not cool enough to touch my boobs. *pours drink on Scott*

Scott: Dude, that was so not cool, Elizabeth!

Jessica: And by the way…I’m Jessica!

Jessica: Thank god you guys are here! Scott tried to get me drunk and then he grabbed me!

Todd: I’ll kill him!

Liz: I’m still mad at you.

Jessica: But Liz, I did it for you! If I hadn’t pretended to be you and stolen your date, you never would have gotten back together with Todd!

Liz: Gee, I never thought about it like that. Thanks, Jessica. You’re the best sister ever!

Jessica: Hey, look at me. Man, I’m so hot.

Todd: Liz, maybe you should dress like that sometime…

Jessica: Liz, I can’t believe you did that! You got juice on my boobs!

Liz: Here, wear my sweater.

Winston: We get to throw Liz in the pool, yay!

Jessica: I’m Jessica, you freaks!

Enid: Yeah, right. Jessica would never wear that sweater.

Liz: Oh, Todd, I’m so happy you’re my boyfriend again and we get to pull silly pranks like this together.

Todd: What? Yeah, sure. Hey, let’s go watch Jessica get all wet in her white shirt.

*

*

The end. I leave you to your snarking.