Enid: Hi, Dakota! Hi! You’re so artistic!

Lila: I can’t believe Dakota is using Enid as a model for his painting.

Jessica: Not for long.

Winston: You guys are so cute, I just have to put you on the graffiti wall!

Bruce: Mr. Cooper, this is a really great picture of you on the graffiti wall. Ha ha, I’m so cool.

Mr. Cooper: I’m confiscating this!

Liz: That’s censorship! I won’t stand for it! Gather around me, fellow students, while I crusade for free speech and the right to humiliate authority figures!

Dakota: I’m deep and artistic. You can tell by my long hair.

Oh, Dakota…

Oh, Dak-ohh-ta…

Hello, Dakota.

Dakota: Oh, yeah, hey. Would you mind washing these brushes?

Enid: Wow, that looks great! I’m so lucky to be your model!

Enid: What are you doing here?

Jessica: I’m Dakota’s new assistant!

I wonder if there’s anything in this book about what to do when you look twelve and all your friends look twenty.

Jessica: I have something totally important to tell you about Dakota!

Enid: Yeah, right. You’ve never been nice to me.

Jessica: Fine, I’ll just leave and you’ll never know…

Enid: Jessica, wait! Your clever ruse was too much! I have to know what you wanted to tell me!

Jessica: Oh, nothing. Just that Dakota plans to paint you in the nude.

WHAT?!

Jessica: Don’t be such a baby, Enid. I’ll take care of telling him you don’t want to do it.

Enid: Gee, thanks. You’re so helpful and I don’t suspect anything strange is going on.

Todd: Here comes Mr. Cooper. He looks pretty mad about that article you wrote about censorship.

Mr. Cooper: I’m pretty mad about that article you wrote about censorship.

Liz: I’m sorry, Mr. Cooper, but you gave us that graffiti wall. You have no right to tell us what to put on it.

Mr. Cooper: Come on now, does that make sense to you?

Hello, Dakota. I’m here in my awesome picnic outfit. Enid can’t make it…

…so I’ll be your model.

Dakota: *sigh* I guess you’ll do.

Jessica: Liz, why are you at the mall with us popular girls? I can’t talk about how I scammed Enid when you’re here.

Liz: You did what?

Jessica: Oh, yeah. I totally did.

Lila and No-Name: Jessica is so awesome. I want to be her.

Jessica: So, Lila. How jealous are you that I’m about to be famous?

Lila: Whatever, it’s just a high school art show.

Mr. Cooper: Okay, kids. This is a super important painting done by our super important painter. And here it is!

Jessica: Oh my god.

Lila: Whoa.

Liz and No-Name: I don’t believe it!

Dakota: Ha, she’s totally naked.

Lila and No-Name: Enid, why are you sitting with us?

Enid: Because you hate Jessica now, right?

Jessica: Why is everyone staring at me? Haven’t you ever seen a naked girl before?

Boys: No, no we haven’t.

Liz: It’s too bad Jessica can’t be as wholesome as me.

Todd: *daydreaming* What? Oh, right. Wholesome. It’s the best.

Jessica: Liz, I didn’t pose naked for him! Don’t you believe me?

Liz: Not even a little bit, but I’ll help you.

Liz: Was my sister naked?

Dakota: No, but I totally pictured her naked, so that’s what I painted.

Liz: Huh, she was actually telling the truth. Good thing I’m recording this conversation.

Liz: Listen, guys, Jessica is innocent!

Lila: But what are we going to do about Dakota?

Jessica: I have a plan.

Hey, Dakota. Would you like to have a picnic with me?

Dakota: This sure is nice. I don’t suspect a thing.

Jessica: Let’s go skinny-dipping!

Hold on, I have some towels in the Jeep. Be right back!

This is going to be so awesome.

Ha! You’re naked and we’re taking pictures!

Dude, this totally sucks.

Winston: I really wish you hadn’t made Dakota paint a swimsuit on you.

Todd: Dude, me too.

Mr. Cooper: Elizabeth, I just want to apologize to you. You were right. It’s totally okay to undermine authority and make the school faculty look like idiots. Here, take this picture and put it back on the graffiti wall.

Liz: I knew you’d see things my way eventually.

Dakota: I painted your swimsuit on, so give me the film.

We’re so awesome. Hooray!

Mr. Collins: Hey, twins. The Oracle’s going live with our very own school news show!

Liz: Wow, what a great opportunity! I’m signing up right now!

Jessica: Totally lame.

Russ: Hi, I’m Russ. I’m working on the show.

Jessica: Totally awesome. Mind if I check out some of your…equipment?

Lila: Why are Liz and Enid sitting with me? They’re such nerds.

Bruce: Winston, you and I have just got to stop playing pranks on one another.

Winston: Okay, truce.

Oh, you bastard. The old glue-on-the-seat trick.

Winston smash!

Why, Elizabeth. You’re here awfully late.

Oh, hi, Mr. Collins! I’m just doing some fact checking for my audition tape.

Excellent. I’ll just stand here looking creepy until you’ve finished.

Nothing like a montage! An audition taping montage.

God, how can Liz’s tape be so much better than mine? Oh, well, I’ll just switch the tapes. Nobody will ever notice!

Mr. Collins: I can’t believe Liz’s tape was so bad. I was counting on her!

Jessica got anchor and I didn’t? What the hell?

Jessica: Hi, guys. Russ and I are so gorgeous together, aren’t we? Don’t forget to watch me on the air tomorrow.

Jessica: Liz, wake up! You have to write my stories for the news show!

Liz: Fine, but I’ll never help you again!

Bitch stole my audition!

Jessica: Where have you been? I need my stories!

Liz: Fuck off, whore.

Mr. Collins: Come on, Jessica, you’re on the air!

Hi, um, I’m a dumb blonde and I don’t know what to say.

Mr. Collins: I should have known. Go save your sister.

Mr. Collins: You’re in trouble now, girly.

Jessica: Oh, Mr. Collins. Are you going to get the paddle?

Winston: Golly gee, I’m so funny. I love playing tricks on Bruce.

You’re such a nightmare, Jessica, but you’re so darn lovable!

Say, Russ, what say we drive up to Miller’s Point after school?

Russ: Yeah, I don’t think so. You’re really dumb.

Russ: See ya.

Jessica: This has never happened to me before. I don’t know what to do.

A little something special to help with the mid-week blahs. Enjoy!

Hey guys, we’re here at the dance. Even though we’re both incredibly beautiful, we couldn’t be more different!

Nerdy Girl: Hi, Liz, I voted for you for queen! Can we be friends now?

Jessica: I’m Jessica, you nerdy freak.

Nerdy Girl: Sorry! You look so much alike!

Enid: Where’s Liz? I don’t see her anywhere. I might die if I can’t find her and tell her how much I love h– Wait, there she is!

Liz: Enid, I’m so majorly pissed at Todd for nominating me for queen. He’s been making all my decisions for me and I hate him!

Winston: I think Liz is pissed at you, Wizzer.

Todd: *sigh* I told you never to call me that.

Hi, I’m Scott. I’m a thirty-year-old college student who likes to crash high school dances for no readily apparent reason except that high school chicks dig me.

Jessica: Who is that?

Lila: That’s Scott. Isn’t he dreamy?

Black girl with no name: I dig him.

Jessica: Back off, No Name, he’s mine.

So, as you all know, my name is Bruce and I’m awesome. And gorgeous. And rich. I’m also incredibly cool and handsome. Oh, and here are the nominees for queen:

Amy Sutton [dude...wtf happened with that casting call?]

Jessica: I’m so going to win.

Liz: Wow, thanks guys. I was really mad when my boyfriend put my name in, but now that I’ve won I guess it’s not that bad!

Winston: Wow, I’m the king! *insert near-funny joke* I get to dance with Liz now, woohoo!

What…the…fuck?

Todd: Has Liz been in a motorcycle accident induced coma recently?

Liz: Todd won’t dance with me, so I’ll dance with you instead.

Scott: Why don’t we do the sex dance you were just doing with that other guy?

Jessica: I can’t believe my sister is dancing with the guy I like! My very own flesh and blood!

Liz: It’s Scott on the phone! What do I tell him? I mean, I do have a super hunky boyfriend even if I am mad at him.

Jessica: Go out with Scott, stupid! Hey, do you think he can see my cleavage through the phone?

Todd: I’m sorry about the other night.

Liz: Oh, Todd, I just love you.

Todd: Yeah, I’m sorry I wouldn’t dance with you. So, let’s go do something tonight.

Liz: Dammit, you were supposed to apologize for nominating me for queen. I still hate you and I’m going out with Scott tonight.

Jessica: Hey, Scott, this is Elizabeth. Don’t worry about picking me up tonight, I’ll meet you at the party, ‘kay?

Liz: Are you sure this looks good?

Jessica: Of course it does! It’s better than that dumb pink sweater you wear every day. Besides, it’s not like you’re going to the party anyway.

Liz: What?

Jessica: Oh, nothing. You look great!

Scott: I just swing my hips back and forth and call it dancing.

Jessica: You know who really likes dancing? My sister Jessica.

Scott: Does she have boobs like yours?

Liz: I can’t believe I’m waiting here in this horrible jacket. I’m outta here.

Liz: Todd! I can’t believe I found you here in our special spot! Are you sorry about the correct thing yet?

Todd: Yes, Liz. Let’s make out.

Lila: Guys, Elizabeth Wakefield writes the Eyes and Ears column, oh my god!

Winston: Yes! We get to throw her in the pool!

Enid: Shh, here she comes.

Liz and Todd: Oh, hi guys. We’re totally in love again.

Drunk frat boy: Dude, you’re that chick who was at that party with Scott. Wooo!

Liz and Todd: Jessica! Let’s go show up at the party and bother her.

Scott: Hey, baby…

Jessica: No way, dude, you’re not cool enough to touch my boobs. *pours drink on Scott*

Scott: Dude, that was so not cool, Elizabeth!

Jessica: And by the way…I’m Jessica!

Jessica: Thank god you guys are here! Scott tried to get me drunk and then he grabbed me!

Todd: I’ll kill him!

Liz: I’m still mad at you.

Jessica: But Liz, I did it for you! If I hadn’t pretended to be you and stolen your date, you never would have gotten back together with Todd!

Liz: Gee, I never thought about it like that. Thanks, Jessica. You’re the best sister ever!

Jessica: Hey, look at me. Man, I’m so hot.

Todd: Liz, maybe you should dress like that sometime…

Jessica: Liz, I can’t believe you did that! You got juice on my boobs!

Liz: Here, wear my sweater.

Winston: We get to throw Liz in the pool, yay!

Jessica: I’m Jessica, you freaks!

Enid: Yeah, right. Jessica would never wear that sweater.

Liz: Oh, Todd, I’m so happy you’re my boyfriend again and we get to pull silly pranks like this together.

Todd: What? Yeah, sure. Hey, let’s go watch Jessica get all wet in her white shirt.

*

*

The end. I leave you to your snarking.