Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: It’s okay to let a guy run your life as long as he helps you with your homework while he’s at it.

Synopsis:

Liz can’t get over Conner: Liz’s secret admirer is Jeffrey French. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND? He goes by Jeff now, even though he used to hate when people called him that, and his eyes are green now instead of blue, but whatever. He’s been DJing at the Riot for the last couple of months and he looks better than ever. He and Liz have a great Valentine’s night and they end it with a kiss. When Conner sees them together at school the next day, he looks jealous and angry and Liz hopes he feels like crap for treating her so badly. Oh my god, GET OVER HIM ALREADY.

Tia needs to settle down: All the seniors take a career aptitude test and Tia is horrified that her results are waitress/bartender, botanist and philanthropist. She’s already a wreck these days because she has no idea where she wants to go to college or what she wants to do with her life, so the test results freak her out. After a little while, she decides to embrace her mediocrity, so she talks the owner of the Riot into letting her bartend for a night to see what it’s all about. She gets harassed by drunk guys and then slips all over some ice cubes on the floor, so that doesn’t work out too well. To discover if she likes being a botanist, she asks Ken if she can join him when he goes landscaping on Saturday morning (this is the first we’ve heard of Ken having a job, by the way). She hates it, naturally. Trent sets her up with his cousin Hayley, a social worker, so Tia can try out some philanthropy. The cousin takes her to help out at a homeless shelter and tells her about Habitat for Humanity. Tia figures that’s something she’d like to do. She tells her parents she enjoyed volunteering and then gets all pissy when they say she should look into being a social worker. I don’t know what her deal is, but she eventually decides she might want to take next year off and do some volunteer work instead of going to college.

Elizabeth is unable to talk to her boyfriend: A guy at Scope is supposed to cover some big Lollapalooza type concert, but his wife goes into labor and he gives his tickets to Liz so she can cover it. She and Jeffrey – I’m sorry, Jeff – are totally psyched to go, but Liz starts to stress out when Jeff starts talking about checking out all the booths and seeing the snowboard tent or something. She’s going to have to write about the concert so she can’t be just wandering around looking at snowboards, but of course she doesn’t say anything to Jeffrey. She also doesn’t say anything about how she doesn’t like poetry anymore and blah blah blah, this is nothing new. At the concert, she lets Jeff run the show and he convinces her to go on some virtual reality ride even though she hasn’t taken nearly enough notes for her article. She gets sick on the ride, throws up and tells Jeff to take her home. He carries her to bed and then says he wants to go back so he can catch the Chili Peppers. Liz doesn’t say anything, but she’s pissed and she’s decided she’s going to tell Jeff it’s over between them because she’s NOT letting another man run her life, uh-uh. But when she goes to break up with him the next day at school, Jeff gives her a whole bunch of stuff from the concert. He went back and got quotes and set lists and promo pictures and all kinds of stuff so Liz can finish her article. She decides she’ll keep him around for a while.

Andy and Dave are gay: Dave Niles is all ready to tell his father he’s gay, but before he can, his dad tells him that Dave’s mother is coming to town and wants to see him. Mr. Niles is a little stressed about it, so Dave figures he can’t possibly tell him his news. Andy is pretty upset, but Dave promises to tell his dad over the weekend. He wimps out, of course, but he lies and tells Andy he did it. The inevitable backfire comes when Andy calls but Dave isn’t home and his dad says something to Andy about Dave having gone to the beach to check out girls. Andy says, “I know Dave told you about us.” He freaks out and tries to save the conversation when he realizes Mr. Niles doesn’t actually know anything, but it doesn’t really work. When Dave gets home and his dad asks him what Andy’s deal is, Dave lies and makes Andy sound like some socially retarded weirdo. Then he decides he’s mad at Andy for calling in the first place. Dave goes to Andy’s and yells at him for a minute, and then he goes home and has dinner with his father and visiting mother. The parents start arguing about something or other and Dave gets pissed and interrupts them to say he’s gay.

Will and Melissa are obnoxious: Melissa is pissed at Will for kissing that other girl and she won’t talk to him. Will decides he’s had enough of Melissa’s crap. Again.

Quotes:

Will: Maybe I really can be one of those ESPN commentators. That would rule. And wouldn’t Melissa just go crazy knowing I’d made it so far and she’d given up her shot to be there at my side.

Just when I thought I couldn’t hate him more.

The Cover: Yeah, yeah, Tia’s cute, whatever. Yawn.

The Moral of the Story: Couples in Sweet Valley always live happily ever after on Valentine’s Day.

The Big Deal: Valentine’s Day

Synopsis:

It’s Valentine’s Day in Sweet Valley and everyone’s having issues.

Maria and Ken: Maria and Ken are both broke, so they’ve decided not to exchange presents. So when Maria finds a huge bouquet of flowers on her desk, she freaks out and goes crazy trying to think of something she can give Ken in return. She hears a guy talking about some concert tickets he won’t be able to use, and since it’s a band Ken likes she decides to buy them from him for a hundred dollars. Ken, who doesn’t know anything about the bouquet of flowers, is now freaking out because he didn’t get anything for Maria, as per their pact. So he leaves school at lunchtime and buys a pair of earrings Maria admired last week. Now Maria is freaking out AGAIN, so she decides to have some balloons delivered to Ken at school. They finally see each other that night for their date, and Maria realizes the flowers she got that morning had been placed on the wrong desk; they were really for the girl who sits next to her. Maria and Ken have a good laugh and live happily ever after.

Jade and Evan: Evan isn’t all about the love these days because of his parents’ divorce, and he’s just so glad he’s got a gal like Jade who doesn’t get all girly about stuff like Valentine’s Day. Of course, when he sees Jade all decked out in red and pink and going gaga over some other girl’s candygram, he realizes she really does care. He decides he can’t deal with that, so he just avoids her all day. Jade is crushed, but her mother tells her she should just tell Evan she wants to celebrate. So she shows up at his house that night with all his favorite gross health food treats. He apologizes for being a jerk and they live happily ever after.

Tia and Trent: Tia is getting flowers and stuff from a secret admirer. She assumes it’s all from Trent, and she’s pissed that he won’t leave her alone. At lunch, she announces she’s going to drive out to Big Mesa and tell Trent to back off, but Jessica tells her not to. Apparently, all that stuff was really from Jessica. She was just trying to get Tia and Trent back together. Tia is embarrassed and kind of disappointed to find out Trent wasn’t actually trying to get her back. But don’t worry! She gets home that night and finds Trent on her front porch with a bouquet of flowers. They kiss and then live happily ever after.

Andy and Dave: Andy is all depressed because the first guy he’s ever liked doesn’t want to come out of the closet and now he has no valentine. He goes to the park at lunchtime and runs into none other than Dave. They sit there talking for a minute, but then Dave sees some guys from his school and acts all weird. It’s clear to Andy that Dave doesn’t want anyone to think they’re at the park together, and it bugs him so he leaves. Dave shows up at his house that night. He apologizes for being weird at the park and says he’s going to tell his father he’s gay because he really cares about Andy. Andy and Dave live happily ever after.

Melissa and Will: Will has made all these plans for Valentine’s Day and he’s pissed when Melissa says she has to cancel because of a family dinner. Actually, she’s just planning to surprise him at the Tribune office after school, but Will doesn’t know that and he’s pissed. So pissed that he doesn’t think twice before making out with that Erika bitch. And wouldn’t you know it? That’s when Melissa walks in. She can’t believe her perfect boyfriend would do such a thing. Come on, Melissa, it’s not like he hasn’t done it before.

Some creep: There are all these scenes from an unnamed guy’s point of view. He keeps checking out some chick, also unnamed, and thinking about how much he wants to get back together with her. He leaves the mysterious girl a note asking her to meet him at First and Ten that night at six.

Elizabeth: Liz gets the anonymous guy’s note, which says he has a past with her. She can’t think of any ex-boyfriend she’d like to get back together with, but she decides to go to First and Ten anyway. When she gets there and sees who her secret admirer is, she gets really happy. In an attempt at suspense, the ghostwriters have decided not to tell us who it is just yet, but it’s someone Liz apparently didn’t even consider when trying to figure out which ex might want her back.

Quotes:

Couldn’t be, she reasoned. Fairy-tale plot twists weren’t written into the Elizabeth Wakefield life story.

LOLOLOL

The Cover: There is something terribly cheesy about this cover. I hate it.

The Moral of the Story: If you want to keep secrets from your kid, you probably shouldn’t have secret meetings when he’s due home from school.

Synopsis:

Evan acts like a five-year-old: Evan comes home from school one day and hears his parents arguing. They notice him standing there and tell him they’re getting a divorce. Evan spends the next day avoiding Jade and everyone else because he’s a Sweet Valley boy now and nobody in Sweet Valley ever talks about their problems. Andy catches up with him after school because Evan is supposed to give him a ride home, and Evan tells him what’s going on. He’s planning to go to his mom’s office to talk to her, and Andy insists on coming along for moral support. While Evan is in his mother’s office getting absolutely no answers from her, Andy waits outside with Dave, the kid of someone else who works there. Dave is super hot and makes Andy weak in the knees, and Andy is thrilled (and confused and awkward) when Dave says they should go check out the new comedy club in town.

Jade hasn’t been able to get in touch with Evan and he’s been distant at school, so she finally just tells him she wants to know what his deal is. When he tells her about his parents, she tries to be supportive and offer some advice. After all, her own parents are divorced so she kind of knows what he’s going through. However, Evan is suddenly in complete denial. He gets mad at Jade and tells her his parents are nothing like hers and they’re absolutely NOT getting divorced. Okay. He gets it into his head that all he needs to do is get his parents in the same room and then they’ll have to talk to each other. He purposely gets in trouble at school and his parents get called in. Evan tells them to get to talking and he’s pissed when they say their decision is final, they’re getting a divorce.

Andy is gay: Andy tells Tia about Dave and she just about starts jumping up and down about the fact that Dave gave Andy his phone number. She makes Andy call him, and Andy and Dave make plans to go to the comedy club the next night. Andy picks Dave up and they have a great time, but when Andy drops him off, he’s surprised to see Evan’s mom’s car in Dave’s driveway. Dave says his dad and Evan’s mom have been seeing each other and that’s why Evan’s parents are getting divorced. He asks Andy not to say anything to Evan because his parents don’t want him to know. He also asks Andy not to say anything to Evan about their date. Dave’s father doesn’t know Dave is gay, and he’s afraid it will get back to him if Evan knows. Andy isn’t sure he’s okay with all the secrets.

Evan gets home from school and finds his mother and Dave’s father laughing together in the living room. Evan’s parents really need to get their kid’s schedule figured out. Evan decides to tell Andy what’s going on, and Andy tells him he already knows. He comes clean about everything, including his date with Dave. Evan appreciates his honesty and Andy is relieved. Andy calls Dave that night and tells him he really likes him, but he doesn’t want to hide who he is. He tells Dave to call him if he ever wants to tell his dad he’s gay.

Evan makes up with Jade, and then he goes home to find both his parents in the kitchen setting the table for dinner. They tell him that even though they’re getting divorced, they both want to be there for Evan as much as possible.

Will and Melissa are obnoxious: Will is getting annoyed with Melissa again because, well, she’s annoying. She asks him to hang out with her one night, but he says it’s assignment day at the Tribune and he wants to make sure he gets a good one. Melissa is in shock that her boyfriend just blew her off. Seriously? Why do I still have to read about these two? For his next assignment, Will gets paired up with another intern, Erika Brooks. Erika graduated from El Carro High two years ago and all the boys used to have crushes on her. Will knows there’s no way he can tell Melissa he’s working with Erika because, of course, Melissa hates her. When Erika and Will find out the article they researched is going to be on the front page, Erika says she wants to take Will out to celebrate. Erika is so hot that he can’t resist, and Melissa can tell something is wrong when Will calls her and tells her he’s going to be late meeting her.

The Cover: Boring.

The Moral of the Story: Conner is the worst brother ever.

Synopsis:

Jessica has boyfriend trouble: Jessica goes to Tia’s to explain what happened the night before at the party. Surprisingly, it only takes about half a page for Jessica to convince Tia of her innocence. Then she goes to try to talk to Jeremy, but only Trent is home. He invites her in and they talk things out and Trent says he’s going to make this up to everyone. Meanwhile, Jeremy is at his friend Stan’s house trying to avoid going home while Stan tries to tell him to get Jessica’s side of the story. Jeremy finally agrees and of fucking COURSE he gets home just in time to see Jessica and Trent talking together. He throws a fit and Jessica leaves all pissed off that he won’t even let her explain what happened.

Trent calls Tia to try to apologize. She’s not interested, but she does agree to help get Jessica and Jeremy back together. She sends an email to Jeremy, telling him she’s not mad at Jessica so he shouldn’t be either. Jeremy is worried that Jessica is just fooling everyone for some reason, but I guess he finally realizes that’s stupid. He and Jessica make up and live happily ever after.

Conner is moody and Alanna is an alcoholic: Alanna is really enjoying spending time with Conner and Megan, and she and Megan go to the mall together. Megan says Todd Wilkins asked her out but she doesn’t want to tell Conner because he’ll freak out about her dating a senior. Alanna doesn’t want to keep secrets from Conner so she convinces Megan to tell him. Conner starts yelling at Megan about how she shouldn’t be dating seniors. He calms down a little when Megan says she only told him because Alanna said she should. Conner and Alanna leave for their date, and Conner asks Alanna (again) if she’s been drinking. Alanna denies it (again) and Conner is relieved (again). New storyline, please. Alanna is sitting around in her room when she gets it into her head that Conner knew she was lying about not drinking and is just waiting to confront her about it. She decides to have a drink to calm her nerves. She doesn’t think she’s actually an alcoholic, so it’s totally okay if she has a few drinks every now and then.

When Conner finds out his mother is letting Megan go out with Todd, he yells at her for being such an irresponsible parent. What the fuck is your problem, jackass? Seriously, I don’t think there’s any way he could be less likable. He goes to school the next day and asks Liz to talk Megan out of going out with Todd. Liz (after she almost has a heart attack over the fact that Conner is speaking to her) tells him she can’t do that. Conner is all, “Whatever,” and Liz is all, “Why doesn’t he like me?” Oh my god, I will punch both of you in the face. When Megan tells Liz how much she likes Todd, Liz realizes it’s time to move on with her life. Oh, really? Thirty-five books into the series and you’re finally going to do something besides cry about Conner? I’m so sure.

Conner passes Todd in the hallway and clenches his jaw all moodily like he does. Todd waves and says hello because he’s a nice guy. He says maybe he and Megan will see Conner at the Riot on Friday, and Conner is all, “You’re not going anywhere with my sister.” Todd is confused, and then he just laughs and says Megan can go out with whoever she wants. Megan bitches at Conner that night and tells him to mind his own damned business. Conner doesn’t get why she can’t understand that he knows what’s best for her.

Conner wants to talk to Alanna about Megan, but she’s not answering her phone. He decides to go to her house. Alanna is falling down drunk when he gets there. Conner puts her to bed and then searches her room and removes all the alcohol. He locks up the liquor cabinet in Mr. Feldman’s study and puts the key in his own glove box. Conner picks up Alanna from school the next day and tells her he’s going to spend every second with her to make sure she doesn’t drink. She’s overjoyed that he isn’t dumping her, but a little annoyed. They spend a really boring evening watching television, and before he leaves, Conner tells Mrs. Feldman that Alanna needs help with her drinking. When he gets home, he calls Alanna’s friend Marissa and tells her to watch out for Alanna. Alanna’s mother grounds her and then Marissa calls and tells her what Conner said. Alanna calls Conner and tells him to back the fuck off. Then she digs out the one bottle Conner missed on his search through her room and gets drunk. After waking up with a hangover for the second or third day in a row, Alanna realizes she really does need help, so she meets Conner after school and asks him to go to an AA meeting with her. Hooray. Can we stop talking about alcoholism and move on to something else now?

Maria and Ken blah blah blah: Maria’s a mess because she cheated on that paper and Ken thinks she’s mad at him and is going to dump him any second. He finally asks her what’s going on and she tells him she turned in a paper she bought from that guy Tom. Ken is so relieved that Maria wasn’t cheating on him that he doesn’t even care that she did something so stupid. Maria just can’t live with the guilt anymore so she tells her teacher what she did. Because she’s so awesome and smart and everything, the teacher lets her make it up by writing another paper. She’ll just lose a full letter grade on it. That’s it.

Quotes:

It hardly ever rained in Sweet Valley. Why today? She just could not deal with this on top of the disaster at Jeremy’s party last night. She couldn’t.

It’s just rain, Jessica. You’ll live.

The Cover: He’s not clenching his jaw enough to really convey his Conner-ness.

The Moral of the Story: When writing a series, you eventually won’t even have to come up with new storylines. You can just recycle old ones.

The Big Deal: Party for Jeremy’s 18^th birthday

Synopsis:

Jessica forgets how awesome her boyfriend is: Tia, Trent, Jessica and Jeremy go out together and start talking about Ken giving up his scholarship. Jeremy and Tia agree that he did the right thing, but Trent and Jessica think he should have just taken it. Tia gets annoyed because Trent spends the rest of the evening talking to Jessica. Jeremy’s birthday is coming up and Jessica wants to plan a surprise party for him. She can’t get a hold of Tia to discuss it, so she calls Trent instead and they get together to start planning. They decide to have the party at the arcade where Jessica and Jeremy had their first date, so Jessica and Trent head over there to talk to the management. Then they start playing video games and somehow fall all over each other. They almost kiss but Jessica runs away. She pours her heart out to Liz, who talks her down and makes her realize Trent was just a passing interest and she doesn’t actually want to be with him or anything.

Trent, however, feels differently. The night of the party, he tries to get Jessica to talk to him about the fact that they almost kissed. Tia overhears and tells Jeremy. Jeremy freaks out and tells both Jessica and Trent he never wants to see either of them again. Poor Jessica. She actually didn’t do anything wrong for once. Sort of.

Conner is moody: Conner’s been avoiding Alanna since the last time we saw her, and she finally calls and says she wants to see him. He can’t think of a good excuse not to, so they get together for lunch. Conner says he thought maybe she’d started drinking again and she lies and tells him that’s crazy talk. When he drops her off, her parents are just getting home so Alanna introduces Conner to them in the driveway. Alanna’s parents are a couple of snobby bitches and they don’t think much of Conner. Mrs. Feldman later says she doesn’t think Alanna should see Conner anymore. Alanna convinces her to give him another chance and let him come over for dinner on Wednesday. I don’t know why Alanna thinks this is a good idea. She’s probably drunk.

Dinner is pretty much a disaster. Right after Conner gets there, the doorbell rings again and Mrs. Feldman goes to answer it. She comes back with Justin Witherspoon, some rich kid Alanna’s parents have been trying to hook her up with for years. They “just happened” to run into him at the club and they invited him to dinner. Conner tries to get through it, but after Mrs. Feldman says something snotty about his mother, he gets up and storms out. After Justin leaves, Alanna’s parents yell at her because they suck, and Alanna figures the only thing that will make her feel better is a drink.

Maria freaks out about school: Maria has spent so much time recently dealing with Ken’s problems that now she’s behind in her schoolwork. She gets a B- on a paper and starts freaking out. She has all kinds of projects due this week and they’re all too important to let any of them slide, so she goes into Super Study Mode and neglects everything else in her life besides school. She hears a rumor that a guy named Tom sells term papers and the like, so she tells him she needs a paper for her psychology class. She gives him a hundred dollars, takes the paper home, retypes it in her own words and hands it in.

Ken blah blah blah: Ken’s dad hasn’t spoken to him since the scholarship fiasco. Ken tries to explain himself again, but Mr. Matthews doesn’t want to hear it. Ken sits around feeling sorry for himself. Like seriously, just sits in a chair staring at the walls and feeling sorry for himself because his dad sucks. He suddenly NEEDS to talk to Maria, but she’s all distant and stressed because she has to study. After they hang up, Ken starts to wonder if Maria doesn’t like him anymore because he has no future. He sees Maria talking to Tom at school the next day and assumes she’s been cheating on him and that’s why she’s been so distant lately.

The Cover: I wonder why Trent doesn’t get to be on this cover.

The Moral of the Story: Elizabeth Wakefield is the worst friend ever.

The Big Deal: Basketball game

Synopsis:

Winter break is over. Tia and Trent have been seeing each other every day, Ken has been worrying over the Michigan scholarship, Will isn’t speaking to Melissa because she blabbed to Ken about it, Liz has decided to focus on herself and nobody else, and Evan has decided he wants Jade back. Now you’re all caught up.

Liz pretends to be sick so she can skip work and go to an interview at Scope magazine. They have an internship available and Liz thinks it’s the perfect thing to make her forget about Conner. Has she been sitting around this whole time grieving her crappy relationship with that jackass? Jessica is a little worried about her because Liz tends to get a little obsessive about things. Liz gets the internship and then bothers her friends, asking them for ideas on what she can write about. Ken reacts strangely when she says something about ethics and sports, and she gets annoyed when he won’t tell her what his problem is or give her any story ideas.

Evan asks Jade to have coffee with him. He gets to House of Java early, and a couple of really obnoxious friends of his from El Carro sit with him. The girl, Roni, flirts with him and Jade is pretty confused because she was under the impression that Evan had asked her out on a date. Roni is a bitch to her and Jade leaves after just a few minutes. Evan is an idiot and can’t figure out what her problem is. Jade has quit the cheerleading squad to play basketball this semester, and the first big game is against Big Mesa. Naturally, Roni is Big Mesa’s forward. When Jade finds out Evan came to see Roni play and not her, she gets pissed. Blah, blah, who cares, Evan and Jade get together after the game and make out.

Will and Melissa have a fight about her and her big fat mouth, and Will tells Ken he should take the scholarship no matter how he got it. Ken can’t decide what to do and he annoys Maria with his constant hemming and hawing. Maria tells Liz she wants to talk about it, but Liz is so caught up in her internship that she can’t be bothered to talk about stupid Ken. When Maria finally tells her what’s going on, all Liz can think about is what a great story it would make. She writes a proposal and plans to pitch it to her boss.

Jessica and Jeremy have been hanging out with Trent and Tia. They all think it’s so awesome that the guys are roommates and the girls are such good friends. Jessica wants to get Liz to stop obsessing about her internship, so she suggests the guys pick one of their friends to set Liz up with. Trent is the only one who thinks it’s a good idea, but they all go along with it. Of course, when date night rolls around, Liz cancels because she has to work late. They have a good time without her, and Jessica dances with Trent a few times at the Riot. Tia and I are the only ones who think maybe Jessica has a crush on Trent. Even Jessica doesn’t seem to notice.

Liz isn’t having a good night. She went into work all ready to pitch her idea to the boss, Joanna, but her supervisor, Leo, asks her to do some research and get some quotes. When she’s finished, Joanna has already left for the night. Liz thinks she should give her proposal to Leo to give to Joanna, but when she gets to his desk, Leo is on the phone, telling Joanna about all the quotes he got and the research he did. Liz is appalled he would take credit for her work. She tells him he sucks and then leaves. When Liz gets home, she realizes her “me, me, me” attitude is horrible and if she keeps it up she’s going to become just like that crappy Leo.

Ken sits through an excruciating dinner with his father, Hank the Michigan scout and the Michigan coach. Ken hates Hank, but the coach seems like a really good guy. The coach’s awesomeness is what seals the deal for Ken. He calls the school later in the week to tell him he’ll accept the scholarship, but an assistant coach answers the phone. He says it’s too bad Coach won’t be back next year. Ken is pissed. He’s pretty much been lied to every step of the way, so he decides he’s not going. Mr. Matthews is quite disappointed.

The Cover: I have absolutely nothing interesting to say about this cover.

The Moral of the Story: A trip to the Elvis Chapel can loosen anyone up.

The Big Deal: Winter break

Synopsis:

It’s winter break. Jeremy’s family has moved to Arizona and he wants to drive there to help them get settled, but his parents say someone has to go with him. His friends can’t make it, and Jessica has to go to a family reunion up north (in a convenient plot contrivance that makes this an almost entirely Wakefield-free book). Jessica suggests Jeremy take Evan. I guess she doesn’t think there’s anything weird about forcing a guy she dated onto her current boyfriend. Jeremy hardly knows the guy, but he can’t think of anyone else to go with him so he says he’ll ask him. Evan jumps at the chance to take a road trip and asks if Conner can go, too. Jeremy isn’t so sure about that, but Evan convinces him Conner’s not as bad as the Wakefield sisters would have him believe.

Melissa makes Will tell her what he knows about Mr. Matthews and the Michigan scholarship scandal. He’s no match for her unblinking Psycho Gaze of Death, so he has no choice but to tell her everything. Then he asks her not to tell anyone. Yeah, right. Will doesn’t want to ruin Ken’s life, because that will in turn ruin his own internship with Ken’s dad, but he does want to tell Mr. Matthews what he knows. However, when he gets to work, Mr. Matthews sends him on assignment with another reporter to interview some of the Forty Niners. That’s much too awesome an assignment for Will to pass up.

Tia and Trent have been hanging out lately, and Andy convinces Tia that Trent is interested in being more than just friends. I guess he must be over the whole this-chick-cheated-on-her-boyfriend-with-me thing. So Tia thinks maybe she should pursue it, but then Angel shows up on her doorstep. He’s come home for winter break and he wants to get together and catch up. Tia immediately emails Andy and tells him she won’t be calling Trent because she and Angel are getting back together. Andy thinks she’s being a little presumptuous and tells her she might be jumping the gun, but Tia insists she has a feeling that things are going to work out with her and Angel this time. So they go out and it’s like nothing ever changed, but when they start talking about the future they remember why they broke up in the first place: long distance relationships suck. They have a mutual and drama-less breakup, and then Tia calls Trent.

The road trip isn’t really much fun. By mid afternoon, Jeremy has talked Evan’s ear off about how guilty he feels about staying in Big Mesa, and Conner has fallen asleep in the backseat. When Evan takes the wheel, Jeremy falls asleep, too. Evan sees a sign for Las Vegas and decides to say to hell with Jeremy’s anal itinerary. He heads for Vegas. Jeremy’s pissed when he wakes up, but Evan convinces him he might have fun. Jeremy is doubtful. All three boys are surprised when places like the Luxor are way out of their price range, and they end up at some old crappy hotel that isn’t on the strip.

Melissa and her friends are hanging out at House of Java when Ken and Maria come in. Because she just can’t help but be a bitch, Melissa starts making fun of them. Ken tells her to shut up and they start arguing. Melissa wins the fight by telling Ken he didn’t actually earn his scholarship, that his father bribed the scout. Ken goes to the newspaper office, but Will is there and his father isn’t. Ken tells Will what Melissa said, and Will looks sheepish and says Ken should talk to his father about it. So Ken goes home and confronts his dad, and Mr. Matthews tells him this is the way the world works and he’s waiting for Ken to thank him for getting him into such a good school. Ken is bewildered.

The boys meet a girl named Laney at a coffee shop, and she offers to give them an “insider’s tour” of Vegas. Evan’s the only one who feels up to it, so off he goes. Conner takes off to go have a look around town while Jeremy drinks coffee and wrings his hands all night while he waits for them to come back. He wants them to come back soon because, as he keeps repeating, he wants to get an early start in the morning. Evan goes on roller coasters and has a great time with Laney. Conner meets a Wise Bartender who tells him he needs to cut out the drinkers in his life (Alanna). Jeremy calls his mom and tells her he’s in Vegas. She thinks it’s good for him to have a little fun, and Jeremy is upset because he thinks she should be worried. How is it possible that Jeremy is only a fun guy when he’s with Jessica? Get him away from Jessica and he’s a damned stick in the mud.

The waitress at the diner tells Jeremy that Laney called. She and Evan want him to get over to the Elvis Chapel to be a witness. Jeremy rushes over there to stop them from getting married. Laney and Evan start laughing when they see how panicked he is. They’re all going to be witnesses at the next wedding, that’s all. Jeremy is mad at first, but he finds the whole wedding so absurd that he ends up laughing uncontrollably and having a good time. He and Evan get back to the hotel at the same time as Conner, and Jeremy surprises them both when he says they should all sleep in the next morning.

Quotes:

Evan threw his head back and laughed.

In every single one of these books, someone throws his or her head back and laughs. It’s usually Tia, but if it’s not her it’s someone else. And whenever I picture someone laughing that way, it looks evil and menacing.

The Cover: Well, I guess that’s what Evan looks like. Too bad we can only see half his face.

The Moral of the Story: Jessica Wakefield is more important than your family.

The Big Deal: Championship football game

Synopsis:

So Alanna isn’t really drinking again. She apparently spit out the sip she had at the end of the last book. Now it’s Monday night and she’s still mooning over Conner. She’s on her way upstairs to her room when she sees the liquor cabinet in her father’s study is open. Alanna’s parents kind of suck. Alanna has some whisky and then immediately goes to the bathroom and makes herself throw up. This chick is all kinds of messed up. Conner’s hanging out in her driveway when she gets home from school the next day. They make up and everything is just peachy again. They go to “the boardwalk” and play carnival games (since when is there a boardwalk with carnival games anywhere near Sweet Valley?) and Conner thinks how great it is to actually be happy with someone honest, unlike Elizabeth, and how happy he is not to be drinking anymore. Meanwhile, Alanna is feeling totally guilty about the whisky she drank and then barfed up, but she doesn’t want to tell Conner about it. Which is probably for the best, since he’s thinking that if Alanna was drinking he couldn’t be with her anymore.

Jeremy’s mom says she found his University of Arizona application in the trash. He explains he doesn’t want to leave the family behind, and Mrs. Aames tells him they’re all moving to Arizona in a couple of weeks. It’s because the life they have in California is just too stressful for Jeremy’s dad. I don’t know how living in Arizona is going to keep him from having more heart attacks, but what do I know? Jeremy freaks out.

The championship game is coming up. Ken is excited and Will is irritated. Ken, football, football, Will, football, blah, blah, blah. God, I am so over this whole football thing. I’m glad the season is almost over. Will starts working for Ken’s dad, and Mr. Matthews can’t stop talking about what a good kid Will is. This makes Ken angry and it’s pretty much the exact same thing we read about before when Ken’s dad was always talking about what a good football player Will was. This is the most boring and pointless plot.

Ken is playing badly at practices for some reason. This has been happening a lot lately and I’m starting to think he’s just not as good at football as we’ve been led to believe. But Hank the Michigan scout calls and tells him that as long as he doesn’t suck in the championship game, he’ll get a full scholarship. Will goes to file some stuff in Mr. Matthews’ office and finds a letter from Hank telling Ken’s dad to meet him at halftime to “seal the deal.” He assumes they’re in cahoots to get Ken into Michigan.

Jeremy’s friend Trent (the same Trent that Tia was cheating on Angel with) says Jeremy can move in with his family and finish out the school year, but Jeremy’s mother insists the family has to stay together. Jeremy doesn’t even mention the possibility to Jessica because he knows he can’t take Trent up on his offer, but Trent says something to Jessica and now she’s all in a tizzy because he didn’t tell her he might be able to stay in California, and that must mean he’s not even considering it. But “how could this be?” Because, Jessica, the world does not revolve around you. At least not this year.

Ken is stinking up the whole stadium at the championship game. Will eavesdrops on Hank and Mr. Matthews and learns that in exchange for getting Ken into Michigan, Mr. Matthews has somehow secured a coaching job for Hank. Will isn’t quite sure what to do with this information. Sweet Valley ends up winning the game (no thanks to Ken) and Hank tells him he’s in like Flynn. Will decides to keep his knowledge to himself, but Melissa plans to make sure Ken knows he only made it into Michigan because of a shady deal.

Jeremy comes down to the field after the game and gives Jessica a big hug. His parents finally decided it would be okay if he wanted to stay with Trent, and Jeremy has made his decision. Jessica is super happy to know Jeremy has chosen her over his family. That’s awesome.

Alanna’s crappy parents yell at her for no reason and then leave the house for some party or something. Alanna tries to call Conner, but he’s at a guitar lesson so Alanna leaves a message with Megan. Feeling unloved and depressed, she heads over to the liquor cabinet and has some scotch. Conner comes over because Megan said she sounded pretty bad, and he can totally tell Alanna’s been drinking. He just doesn’t know what to do about it.

The Cover: I feel like Jeremy used to be cuter than this.

The Moral of the Story: Aspiring writers, if you can’t think of a way for two characters to resolve a fight, just have someone get sick and go to the hospital. Everyone always makes up in hospitals.

The Big Deal: Tia and Andy do New York.

Synopsis:

Jeremy and Jessica are suddenly all freaked out about what’s going to happen to their relationship when they go to college, but of course they don’t talk to each other about it. Jeremy wants to go somewhere far away and figures Jessica wants to do the same, but Jessica wants to stay close to home and thinks Jeremy does, too. Jeremy’s friends ask him about colleges and he decides to lie and say he and Jessica have talked about it. I have no idea why. And then, of course, one of the friends mentions it to Jessica. She says she wants to go to school in California and Jeremy says he’s already applied to a couple schools on the east coast. They’re suddenly in a fight. And this is pretty bad timing (or good, depending on how you look at it) because a friend of Jessica’s from junior high is in town. His name is Damon and Jessica can’t stop thinking about him. I hate when she does this.

Conner wants Tia and Andy to meet Alanna, so he asks them to hang out at Crescent Beach. Andy calls Evan for a ride, and it’s only when Evan says he didn’t know they were doing anything that night that Andy realizes Conner probably didn’t invite him because he’s still mad about Evan and Liz hooking up. When Evan shows up, Conner turns into a whiny baby again and stalks off, leaving Alanna to fend for herself. Tia and Andy are totally tactless when they start talking about how Liz was hurt when she wasn’t invited to hang out (why would she be invited to meet Conner’s new girlfriend?), and they get pissed at Alanna when she says something about not letting other people’s issues get to them. They think she’s talking about Liz’s issues, but she’s really talking about Conner. Whatever, they act like a couple of jerkfaces.

Andy and Tia leave the next morning for the trip to New York they won from that game show. Tia yells at the QTV guy for getting them a room with only one bed in it, Andy does some open mic standup comedy and gets the crowd laughing, and then they go on a romantic carriage ride through Central Park (they’re supposed to be a couple, remember). They both kind of wish they were sharing the romantic stuff with an actual romantic partner, and they vow to find themselves boyfriends when they get back to Sweet Valley*. I think it’s hilarious that Tia complained about the one bed and the QTV guy didn’t immediately call her and Andy fakers and send them home. What teenage couple is going to complain about sharing a bed?

Jessica and Jeremy go to see a movie, but during the previews Jeremy says he applied to a school in Arizona because it has a great archeology program and that’s what he wants to major in I guess. Jessica gets pissed and leaves. What a bitch. She calls Damon and they spend the evening together while Jessica thinks of all the ways she wishes Jeremy could be like Damon. She’s mean to Jeremy the next morning at work, and then his mother calls and tells Jeremy his father is in the hospital. Jeremy runs out the door.

Conner calls Alanna and asks her to hang out, but she’s all weird and vague when she says she can’t. Conner starts wondering just what her deal is and realizes he doesn’t even know where she lives. He plugs her name and phone number into a search engine and then drives out to the address that comes up. It’s a huge mansion in a rich neighborhood, and the housekeeper tells Conner that Alanna is having dinner at the country club with her parents. Conner’s a little pissed off, considering Alanna told him her mother was an alcoholic and her father took off a long time ago. He writes a short note saying he was there and then goes home.

As soon as Jessica can get away from work, she rushes over to the hospital to see Jeremy, picking up some coloring books and junk for his sisters along the way. When she gets there, Jeremy tells her his dad is fine. The doctors thought he had another heart attack, but he didn’t and he’s okay now. Then he and Jessica apologize to each other and he says he doesn’t want to go to school in Arizona after all. It’s mostly because he wants to stay near his family, but Jessica plays a part in his decision, too. Aw, Jeremy is the best Wakefield boyfriend yet.

Alanna calls Conner hoping he isn’t too mad, but he definitely is. He tells her he doesn’t think they should see each other anymore, but Alanna comes over later in tears. She says her mother really is an alcoholic and her father is hardly ever around so it’s just like he abandoned her so she never really told a lie. Conner’s not falling for it and he tells her to get the fuck out. Later he realizes the error of his ways and decides to call Alanna, but by that time she’s unplugged her phone in a fit of rage and started drinking again.

GIRLS, Conner McDermott is NOT THAT AWESOME. I thought Liz was going to kill herself after Conner broke up with her, and now this chick is throwing away all that hard work she put in at the rehab clinic. YOU ARE BOTH IDIOTS.

*At some point in the series, the El Carro kids start referring to the town they live in as Sweet Valley, but I thought Andy, Tia, Conner, etc. lived in El Carro and just went to school in Sweet Valley because their school got eaten by the earthquake. Did the entire town of El Carro disappear in the earthquake? Did the Sweet Valley city limits expand? I’m confused.

Quotes:

Elizabeth was always patting herself on the back for understanding people so well when she really didn’t understand anything. The thing was, she really seemed to buy her own bull. Elizabeth honestly thought that she knew what Conner’s life was like. And everyone else seemed to fall for it too.

As much as I hate Conner, he does seem to be the only one who doesn’t think Liz is the saint she thinks she is. Didn’t stop him from falling in love with her though so I guess it didn’t do him much good.

The Cover: OMG, white balance. Looks like a No Doubt video.

The Moral of the Story: Never ask football players for dating advice.

Synopsis:

Alanna runs outside when she sees Conner kissing Liz and Conner goes after her, leaving Liz in the kitchen to fret about what just happened. Alanna is pissed. Apparently, she and Conner hooked up in rehab (always the best place to start a relationship, right?) and I guess she was hoping they’d stay together once they got out. She asks if he and Liz are getting back together and then drives off when Conner says he doesn’t know. Back inside, he tells Liz he doesn’t want to talk about it. I would say that’s really just too bad, but you know Liz. She just feels so awful about how Conner’s been through so much lately. She just gets up and leaves without pushing the issue.

Ken has decided he and Maria belong together. He feels great about this decision and can’t wait to tell Maria. He finds her studying at House of Java and tells her he knows she still cares about him and he wants to get back together. He’s totally surprised when Maria gets pissed and leaves. At school the next day, he thinks a good plan B is to flirt with some random girl to make Maria jealous. He furrows his brow in consternation when it just seems to make her mad. God, he is so stupid. Maria tells him off and then goes off to the bathroom to cry because she really does miss him. Sigh. What is the deal with these kids? Jessica and Jeremy break up and then get back together. Will and Melissa break up and then get back together (and then break up again). And now it’s looking like Ken and Maria are going to get back together. There are other fish in the sea, people! Ugh, I’m so bored.

Will and Melissa are talking again (I’ll just bet they’re going to get back together again), and he tells her his parents are worried about his future now that football is no longer an option. He mentions possibly becoming a coach, and Melissa’s face contorts in disgust. I guess being a coach’s wife isn’t glamorous enough for her. Will has a meeting with parents and the guidance counselor, and everyone seems really intent on making him figure out what he wants to do with his life. Jeez, he thought he was getting a football scholarship like a minute ago. Maybe we can cut him some slack. Will feels like torturing himself, so he gets out all his newspaper clippings to read about how awesome he used to be at football. It’s then he realizes he could be a sportswriter. He talks to Ken and asks him to ask his dad about getting him a job at the paper, and then tells Melissa he’s going to be a famous sportscaster. She finds that glamorous enough, I guess, and they go walking off into the sunset together.

Some guy named Steve asks Maria to go for coffee. She’s about to say no, but then she sees Ken come out of a classroom and she says yes loud enough for him to hear. Awesome. The date is horrible because Steve orders the same kind of coffee Ken likes and then takes her to the beach just like Ken used to. This is what we call Steven Wakefield Syndrome. Maria ends the date early and goes home to call Ken and tell him how she feels. Ken, on the other hand, has been talking to the guys, which is always a bad idea. They told him that if he wants Maria back, he should act like he needs her help with something. So when Maria calls him, Ken tells her she was right: getting back together is a bad idea. Then he asks for her help on a history paper. Maria agrees to meet him in the library the next morning, and then she hangs up and flings herself onto her bed to cry. Oh my god, you’re both fucking infuriating.

Maria works with Ken for a few minutes the next morning, and then Ken gets up to talk to Todd and the gang of football players that just walked in. Maria feels sorry for herself because Ken is blowing her off for football again (insert rolling eyes here), and then she opens Ken’s notebook to make some notes for him. When she sees that he already has a completed draft of the paper he supposedly needs her help on, she totally loses her shit and starts yelling at him for being a lying liar who lies all the time. She tells him he’s full of himself and then runs out of the library.

Ken thinks about it all day and finally comes up with a plan to get Maria back. He goes to her drama class and gets the teacher to let him act out a scene from West Side Story with Maria. The scene just happens to be one in which Maria and Tony are talking about how different they are. Blah blah blah, Ken and Maria kiss and get back together. Hooray?

Liz keeps coming to Evan with her Conner problems, and Jade’s getting pissed. Liz can tell she’s making Jade jealous, but she’s going through one of her holier-than-thou phases and thinks it’s just too damn bad for Jade if she’s got a problem with her. Jade has finally had enough and she confronts Evan in the hallway at school. She says she wants to know how many times he and Liz hooked up while Conner was in rehab. Predictably, Conner just happens to be passing by right at that moment. Jade runs away and Conner bitches at Evan for a minute. Then he calms down and realizes it’s all Liz’s fault. Evan breaks up with Jade for being an insecure loudmouth, and Conner breaks up with Liz for being a hypocritical backstabber. Then he calls Alanna and tells her he chooses her. We get a bit from Alanna’s point of view in an email she sends to a friend. It says, “Do you think it’s okay that I told him a couple of teeny tiny lies about me?” Oh, boy. She’s probably some kind of psycho.

Quotes:

“I can tell you’ve got too much going on to stay in this tiny town, Maria.”

Maria cringed. She loved Sweet Valley and hated it when people put it down.

I’m surprised there’s anyone in Sweet Valley who puts the place down. People like Steve here must have had faulty sleep conditioning as children.

But Ken could make a little time for Will, the guy whose life he’d totally taken over, right?

For fuck’s sake, would you get over it already?

The Cover and Title: Does Ken kind of look like Heath Ledger? Especially in the bottom left picture.

The title is annoying because I had that song in my head the whole time I was reading this: Love lift us up where we belong! Where the eagles cry on a mountain high!