Archive for the ‘2. Senior Year’ Category

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #48: Sweet 18

Friday, June 4th, 2010

The Moral of the Story: Who cares? I’m done! Last book of the series!

The Big Deal: Graduation! Birthday party! Woohoo!

Synopsis:

Monday: Maria is freaking out about her valedictorian speech. She hasn’t even started it yet. She wants to be there for Ken, who is clearly upset about the upcoming anniversary of Olivia’s death, but she can’t focus on him while she still has this speech to write.

Liz tells her parents she got into Oxford, and Alice tells Jessica. Jessica freaks out and tells Liz she doesn’t want anything to do with her on their birthday, which is Thursday. Jessica calls Jeremy and gets pissed when he says his parents planned a graduation party for him on Thursday night. Jessica somehow turns this around to mean that Jeremy doesn’t care about her anymore. Oh, boy.

Tuesday: Liz decides to make things better with Jessica by planning a surprise party for their birthday. Again? Didn’t we try this last year? I recall it ending in tragedy. Liz talks to Conner and Tia and they decide to have it at the Riot. Maria sits around feeling sorry for herself all day because she needs help with her speech, and she’s annoyed when Liz says she needs to work on the party plans and can’t help her. Jessica decides she’s going to throw a party and not invite Liz, but Tia tells her Liz is already throwing one and the entire senior class is going. Jessica is pissed that Liz is having a party and not inviting her. Oh, Jessica.

Tia, Andy and Conner are all excited about their post-graduation road trip. It’s supposed to be just the three of them, but Tia has told Trent he can come along. She tells Andy, and he says that in that case, Dave is coming, too. Before Andy can tell Conner, Conner says he appreciates Tia and Andy leaving Trent and Dave behind for three weeks so the three of them can have their special best friend alone time.

Jessica’s home ec teacher tells Liz that Jessica never made up her risotto assignment, and she won’t be able to graduate unless she makes it up the next day. Liz knows Jessica has plans with Jeremy the next afternoon, so she decides to pull a twin switch and do it herself.

Wednesday: Liz has a meeting with a rep from Oxford. She kind of hopes the meeting will suck so she’ll have an excuse not to go, but the rep tells her all the wonderful things about Oxford and makes Liz want to go there more than ever.

Conner overhears Tia talking about how excited Trent is about the road trip, and he loses his shit. He tells Tia and Andy to uninvite their boyfriends, but they don’t want to. So Conner says they can all go together and he’ll just stay home.

Liz is the salutatorian, so she and Maria meet in the library to work on their speeches together. Liz says she hasn’t even started hers yet, and Maria flies off the handle because Liz isn’t taking it seriously enough. Then Liz gets really stupid and says she should have been valedictorian. So now Liz and Maria are in a fight. Liz heads to the home ec room to make a risotto.

Jessica goes to dinner with Jeremy and his family, who are all in town for graduation. As the family catches up on stuff, Jessica keeps thinking of how awful it’s going to be next year when she’s separated from both Liz and Jeremy. She gets up and leaves the table, and Jeremy follows her. He asks her what’s wrong, and she decides she’s pissed at him for not inviting her to his graduation party the next night. He says he figured she’d want to do something else since it’s her birthday, but Jessica is beyond reasoning. She runs to the parking lot in tears.

Evan gets off Berkeley’s waiting list. Thanks, Tia.

Thursday: Jessica wakes up in a terrible mood. Liz tries to make up over breakfast, and she tells Jessica she saved her from having to make a risotto. Jessica accuses Liz of thinking she’s so flaky that she can’t even do her own schoolwork. An argument ensues and Jessica takes the Jeep and goes to school.

Today is for graduation practice, but neither Liz nor Maria have their speeches prepared. Liz tells Maria not to worry about it, and subtly points out Conner, who is backstage cutting the wires to the microphone. Principal Chrome Dome suddenly can’t be heard, and Maria is worried Conner will be caught. Liz tells her not to worry, and at that moment, Jade stands up in the middle of the seated seniors and yells that Evan can’t stop her if she wants to go commando under her graduation robe. She starts a “Naked!” chant, and in all the confusion, Conner manages to get back to his seat before anyone notices he’s gone. Maria and Liz apologize to each other for their fight, and then Maria takes off for the library to work on her speech.

The twins run into each other in the line for yearbooks, and Liz apologizes. It seems like Jessica is just about to lighten up and talk to her, but then the home ec teacher comes running down the hall. She says the risotto was horrible and Jessica will have to try again that afternoon. Jessica is pissed and hates Liz all over again.

Tia, Trent, Andy and Dave go to the Riot to start setting things up, and Trent and Dave say they’ve been looking over the itinerary and have some changes they’d like to make. Tia and Andy get irritated and decide they’ll just have to tell their boyfriends they can’t come. They don’t have to, though. After listening to Tia, Andy and Conner tell stories about each other for a while, they announce the three of them should go alone.

In really sickening news, Jade’s mother has written a book and a publisher has offered her a lot of money to turn it into a series. That’s not the sickening part. The sickening part is this: “It’s about a pair of twins who have very different personalities…But they’re still closer to each other than to anyone else in the world…” Barf.

While she’s cooking, Jessica says something about the dress she wore yesterday, and Ms. Goldberg realizes it was Elizabeth who made the awful risotto. Jessica explains that she and Liz have been fighting, and Ms. Goldberg actually makes her feel better about things. Jessica goes to Jeremy’s graduation that night, and they make up afterward. Then she goes home and gets ready to go to the Riot and make up with Liz. She falls asleep instead.

Liz is at the party, feeling miserable about Oxford. She decides she’ll miss Jessica too much if she goes. She goes home to tell her so. The twins make up and talk about how much fun they’ll have at Sweet Valley University next year.

Friday: Graduation day. At the ceremony, the twins sit next to Todd because of stupid alphabetical order, and Todd asks Liz to go out with him after graduation. She accepts. Dammit, we just got rid of one codependency, and now you’re going back to an old one? UGH.

Liz never actually got around to working on a speech and all she has is a bunch of note cards. She’s nervous about making a fool of herself, so Jessica takes her notes and pulls another twin switch. Two in one book! Jessica, as Elizabeth, gives an awesome speech and everyone applauds.

THE FREAKING END!!!!!

Quotes:

A few of our old friends make cameo appearances in this book, even Robin Wilson, who came all the way back from Denver. It’s like graduation day on Boy Meets World. I wonder if they’ve been hanging out with Minkus in the other hallway?

When Enid turned into the classroom, her shirt slipped down, exposing a little skull tattoo on her back. Elizabeth shot Maria a look. She didn’t know if Enid’s tattoo was real, but if there was a yearbook award for most changed, Enid would definitely win. She’d gone from geeky to goth in less than a year.

Winston Egbert handed Elizabeth her test paper and flashed her a quick thumbs-up for luck.

Robin Wilson grimaced and held her gown up to her slim body. Her soft brown hair tumbled down over her face as she looked down at the shiny fabric. “Please, Liz. I mean, you spend all this time and effort dropping weight, and then they make you wear a muumuu to graduation.”

Bruce Patman, of all people, walked in – someone she hadn’t seen since he left for college and hadn’t liked much before then. He was all prepped out in a light blue button-down and khakis, and the second he saw Ken Matthews and Aaron Dallas, he dove into the crowd and started shaking hands like a politician.

And there is actually some mention of the more bizarre happenings from junior year:

Almost every single good memory Jessica cherished had occurred inside the sprawling building. And some bad ones, of course – kidnappings, bomb threats, gang wars, that crazy Margot [sic] chick who had come to town and tried to pretend she was Elizabeth. Junior year had definitely been tumultuous.

Definitely.

[Elizabeth] turned her full attention to Maria, whose expression made her look almost exactly the same as she had when she’d broken the news to Elizabeth and Jessica that their dog, Prince Albert, had run away during the earthquake last year – very uncomfortable.

So that’s what happened to the dog. I wonder why Maria had to be the one to break the news.

“We’ve lost many friends – Olivia Davidson, Roger Patman, Ronnie Edwards, Regina Morrow, to name a few.”

I don’t remember Roger Patman dying.

The Cover: Sorry about the terrible image. This book is all shiny and metallic and didn’t scan well. I went to The Closet, but theirs is the same.

This cover is totally lame. I have no idea which twin is which. I’d guess the one on the right is Jessica, but after 180+ books in the original series telling me Liz always wears her hair in a ponytail, I don’t quite believe it. Also, I think the one on the right looks kind of stoned.

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #47: Senior Cut Day

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010

The Moral of the Story: Even Conner McDermott can have fun at a theme park.

Synopsis:

Well, it’s Thursday, the day after prom, and it’s senior cut day. Guess which one of our favorite characters is so stupid that he forgot to stay home from school? If you said Ken Matthews, you’re absolutely right. By the time he figures out why he and the nerds are the only seniors at school, it’s too late; the teachers have already noticed him and he can’t leave. Throughout the day, the nerds keep asking him what it’s like to be popular, and they ask him if they can all eat lunch at the jock table since the jocks aren’t there. Barf. The seniors get to co-teach classes on cut day, and Coach Riley asks Ken to help him out with a couple of girls who can’t get the hang of volleyball. Ken actually helps the girls and he feels good about it. Yay, Ken.

Moving on to more exciting things…

Jessica and Evan decide to get the whole gang together for a road trip to Universal Studios. Liz finds out Conner’s going, so she’s all excited, but Jeremy wanted to spend the day alone with Jessica (I guess it’s Big Mesa’s senior skip day, too?), and Jade just wanted to hang out at the beach. Neither of them says anything, of course, they just act all grumpy.

Dave and Andy take Conner, Liz, Tia and Trent in Dave’s minivan, while Jeremy, Jessica, Jade and Evan ride in Jeremy’s car. Can you imagine? Both girls in Jeremy’s car have dated both guys. And they’re all friends now? Sure. The vehicles get separated on the way to the park, so the groups spend the day separately.

Jessica’s crew goes to see if there’s anything being filmed, and Jessica and Evan are approached by a director. He needs extras, but he doesn’t want Jeremy or Jade. Jessica and Evan are super excited and immediately say yes, and Jeremy and Jade are pissed. They go off on their own to pout. After they make fun of Jessica and Evan for a little while, they decide to have a good time after all. They go on the Mummy ride and get some cotton candy and make a pact not to be mad at Jessica and Evan.

Jessica and Evan get all made up and they look like rock stars. They get hurried onto the set for a nightclub scene, and the director tells them their job is to stand by the bar and make out. Evan isn’t sure he can do it, but Jessica assures him it’s going to be okay. He tries to get away with fake kissing, but the director isn’t fooled. He tells them to start kissing for real or get out, so they really start making out. An hour later, their lips are chapped and their jaws are sore, but the director finally tells the extras they can go. It was pretty awful, but they’re very excited that they’re going to be in a movie.

Meanwhile, Liz is going crazy because Conner is acting like nothing happened last night. I guess she expects him to start talking about it in front of everyone. Liz wants to go on the ET ride, but nobody will go with her. Conner finally steps up and says he’ll go. While they’re in line, Conner tells her that last night meant a lot to him and he really does care about her, but they’ll both be moving on next year and besides, they made each other miserable as a couple. Liz realizes he’s right and she finally, FINALLY decides she’s really over him.

So, in conclusion:

  • There is nothing new and exciting in the lives of Tia and Trent or Andy and Dave.
  • Jessica and Evan are keeping their day of making out a secret.
  • Jade and Jeremy are not mad at Jessica and Evan.
  • Conner and Liz are over each other.
  • Ken thinks he might want to be a gym teacher.

When Liz gets home that night, there’s a letter in the mail from Oxford University in England. I guess she won that contest. She doesn’t know if she wants to go or how she’d break the news to Jessica. Jessica starts talking to Liz about their upcoming eighteenth birthday and she wants to make plans, but Liz isn’t so excited about it, considering what happened last year.

The Cover: Evan kind of looks like one of those big-mouthed Muppets.

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #46: Prom Night

Monday, May 31st, 2010

The Moral of the Story: If you want to have a bad time, go to prom with Trent.

The Big Deal: Prom at the beach!

Synopsis:

Liz and Jeff: The whole gang gets together at House of Java and Andy starts talking about his plans to go to New York next year to try his hand at stand up comedy. Jeff starts going on and on about how horrible New York is and how glad he is that he decided not to go to NYU. Liz is really irritated with Jeff these days because he’s acting so weird, but he can’t figure out why she’s so upset.

Jeff has begged Liz to let him write an article for The Oracle, but he can’t come up with a good story idea. He eventually decides to recycle an essay from last year, and he goes over to Liz’s with a report about The Catcher in the Rye. Liz recognizes it because Mr. Collins read it in front of the class last year. She doesn’t know what Jeff’s deal is, but she tells him she can’t put a book report in the newspaper and she’ll just have to call Maria to see if she has anything to fill the space. Jeff stays up all night writing an article about the pressure seniors feel to choose a career path, and he gives it to Liz the next morning. She says it’s perfect.

Andy and Dave: Dave is going to school in New York next year and he’s acting kind of weird about Andy joining him. Then when they go to get their tuxes for prom, Dave doesn’t seem to want the clerk to know he and Andy are going together. Andy gets pissed and starts yelling at Dave in the parking lot. He says if Dave is ashamed or embarrassed by him, then maybe he just shouldn’t go to the prom with him. Dave says that’s fine and drives away. Andy tells Six all about it, and she says she and Andy should go together. Andy sends Tia an email about how bummed he is to not be going with Dave, and Tia forwards the email to Dave and tells him to come to the prom.

Tia and Trent: There’s a policy in place that says only SVH seniors can be elected prom king and queen, which means nobody whose date is from another school can be elected. Trent decides he wants to make Tia’s prom super special, so he anonymously gets on the SVH virtual bulletin board and proposes a policy change. The response is overwhelming and the change is made. Meanwhile, Tia is wondering why everyone cares so much about something so stupid. She’s totally not interested in being prom queen.

Trent and Jeremy go to the One Stop Prom Shop (ugh) to get their tuxes. Jeremy has a swatch of fabric from Jessica’s dress and a picture of the flowers she wants for her corsage, and Trent has nothing. He makes fun of Jeremy for being whipped and says he’s taking care of all of this on his own to show Tia how much he cares. When the saleslady asks Trent what kind of corsage he wants, he says he wants a wreath for Tia’s hair. Jeremy and the saleslady try to talk him out of it, but Trent is sure he knows what he’s doing. Then he decides that instead of riding in the limo with everyone else, he and Tia will get their own. Unfortunately, all the smaller size limos are taken, so Trent ends up reserving a horse drawn carriage.

Trent makes another post on the SVH bulletin board, asking for people to vote for him and Tia as king and queen. Tia freaks out. She calls Trent and yells at him, telling him she does not want to be queen. She also tells him she wanted to pick out tux and corsage stuff together. Trent feels dumb.

Pre-Prom Madness: The girls spend all day at the Wakefield house getting ready, and then Jeff and Jeremy show up. Liz and Jeff go to Jeff’s car to get her corsage, and a bunch of papers fall out of the glove box. Among them is a rejection letter from NYU. Because the glove box is where you keep stuff like that. Liz realizes Jeff’s new look and personality are all because of the rejection, and she’s super pissed that he didn’t just tell her the truth.

Trent is really late and Tia is getting nervous. She’s horrified when he shows up in a horse drawn carriage, and even more horrified when he tries to put the wreath of flowers on her head. Luckily, Jessica pushes him out of the way before he can do too much damage to Tia’s hairdo. Everyone is supposed to go to a pre-prom party at Maria’s (huh, remember Maria?), and Tia is surprised when the carriage pulls up in front of the fanciest restaurant in town instead of Maria’s house. She manages to step in horse manure, and everyone in the restaurant gives her dirty looks because she smells like shit. She manages to clean up her shoe and get rid of the wreath, but then the whole menu is in French, so Tia isn’t quite sure what she’s ordering. She’s disgusted when the waiter brings her a whole fish, scales and all. Trent’s food doesn’t look much better, so they just pay the $120 check and leave.

At the Prom: Six goes off to try to talk to this senior guy she has a crush on, but he shoots her down. Andy finds her and comforts her, and she leans over to give him a kiss on the cheek. She misses and gets his lips instead, and that is, of course, when Dave finds them. He’s a little freaked out, but Andy chases after him and they make up and everything is great. The only reason Dave didn’t want Andy to come to New York with him was because he was worried Andy would resent him or something if his comedy career didn’t work out.

Tia and Trent are crowned king and queen. Tia reluctantly gets up onstage, but starts crying when she’s told they’ve won a gift certificate to the French restaurant from earlier. Trent tries to kiss her, but she walks offstage. Melissa says something snotty because she’s pissed she and Will didn’t win, and Tia throws her crown at her before storming off. Tia tells Trent she hates that he changed all their prom plans, Trent apologizes, and Tia eventually sees the humor in the situation.

Liz spent all of Maria’s party glaring at Jeff, and he finally tries to talk to her in the middle of the dance floor. She tells him he’s changed and she doesn’t like the new him. They break up, and Liz goes for a walk up the beach. And who should she find sitting on the beach and playing his guitar? That’s right, Conner. Todd’s car broke down, so Conner gave him and Megan a ride to the prom. Conner and Liz chat for a minute, and then she asks him to dance. They dance…and then they kiss. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Quotes:

“Mmmm. Thanks,” she said, tearing off a piece of the bagel and plopping it into her mouth.

Ew! Why can’t these ghostwriters talk about food without making me want to throw up?

The Cover: Tia certainly looks happy for someone having the worst prom experience ever.

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #45: Tia in the Middle

Friday, May 28th, 2010

The Moral of the Story: Tia would really like to be the new Elizabeth Wakefield.

Synopsis:

Alanna the Drama Llama: Alanna gets a rejection letter from Tufts and doesn’t know how she’s going to face her parents. She goes to Conner’s and finds out he’s gotten into Belmont and plans to go there. Tufts and Belmont are both in Boston and they planned to go together, but now Alanna freaks out about Conner leaving her, so, naturally, she runs out the door.

Tia wants to plan a road trip with Conner and Andy. They’ll head up to Seattle after graduation and hang out for three weeks pretending to be cool. Conner likes the idea, but Tia gets pissed when he says he has to run it by Alanna. Meanwhile, Alanna hangs out with her sponsor, Sandra, and is so inspired by how helpful Sandra is that she thinks she might want to go to UCLA and become a psychologist. That dream is short-lived, of course, because Conner, Conner, Conner.

Everyone goes to a little party at Andy’s to celebrate Dave getting into Columbia, and at one point Tia and Alanna are alone in the living room. Alanna is an idiot and tells Tia she secretly plans to follow Conner to Boston next year. Tia, judgmental bitch that she is, doesn’t even try to hide her disapproval. She tries to talk to Conner about it and tell him what a bad idea it would be, but Conner just wants her to mind her own business.

Alanna gets accepted into UCLA (that was fast), but she’s not sure if she cares because, you know, she’s going to Boston. At an AA meeting, Sandra starts talking to Alanna about psychology at UCLA while Conner is sitting right there, so after the meeting he tells her he doesn’t want her to put her plans aside just to be with him. Alanna convinces herself that this means Conner doesn’t love her as much as she loves him, so she freaks out and tells him to go away. He leaves.

Jessica the Flirt: Jessica has been having some trouble getting used to the idea of going to college, so Liz suggests she call Steve and ask him to show her around the SVU campus so she can maybe get adjusted. Jessica is surprised when Steve invites her to a party that night at his frat house. Jeremy gets pissy about it because he wants to hang out with Jessica that night.

There are an awful lot of guys at the party and Jessica starts feeling kind of claustrophobic. She goes outside to the pay phone to call Jeremy, but runs into a guy named Zander (short for Alexander). He’s really cute, so Jessica accepts his offer to show her around campus. Afterward, Jessica gives him her phone number and email address. As you can probably guess, Jeremy is over when Zander calls and he overhears the incriminating message. He decides to believe Jessica when she says it’s nothing.

Jessica and Zander get together to play tennis, and Jeremy later finds Zander’s tennis racket in the Jeep (it conveniently has Zander’s name on it). Jeremy gets upset, but totally backs down when Jessica says this is the only way she knows to get used to the idea of college, now that Jeremy has decided to go to Arizona. Properly guilted, Jeremy sheepishly asks Jessica not to lie to him anymore. He shows up at SVH the next day at lunch and finds Jessica in the cafeteria (where she’s eating with Gina and Cherie for some reason). He says he’s jealous and he knows he could never handle being away from Jessica for four long years, so he’s decided to stay in Sweet Valley next year. Jessica is overjoyed, but she eventually comes to her senses and tells Jeremy he needs to follow his dreams and go to Arizona.

DJ Splendid: Jeff has a gig at Sweet Valley’s newest club, Liquid, and he asks for Liz’s help in picking out something to wear. They don’t find anything awesome enough at the mall, so Liz has this great idea to dress him in women’s clothing. I’m not lying. “You know how glam rockers always have at least some piece of women’s clothing in their outfits?” she says. And incredibly, Jeff thinks it’s a great idea. So they go to Jessica’s room to raid her closet, and Jeff settles on a purple peasant blouse. Now, if you’re unfamiliar with the term, here are a few examples of peasant blouses:

Doesn't look all that glam to me.

Jeff is supposed to be DJing with another guy who told him not to bring any of his own records. When Jeff shows up at the club, the owner is freaking out because the other DJ’s car broke down so Jeff is going to have to do the gig alone. He says he has to go home first and get his records, but the owner flies off the handle and fires him. Jeff has already been rejected from NYU, where he was going to study music, so he decides this is a sign from above that he’s not supposed to be a DJ. He decides to pretend he wants to be a journalist. Don’t even try to follow this logic. He cuts his hair and starts dressing like a nerd again, and he asks Liz for ideas of articles he can write for The Oracle. Liz wants her super cool DJ boyfriend back.

Quotes:

Zander: I know that rule number four hundred and thirty-seven in the book of dating etiquette says never ask a buddy’s younger sister out, but I can’t help myself.

The number 37 makes a comeback!

“There’s something about Kobe Bryant that I can’t stand,” Jeremy said. “He’s an unbelievable player and all, but he’s just so cocky.”

That’s what she said?

The Title and Cover: Seems to me that Tia puts herself in the middle. Back off, would you? And as for the cover, “We are srs models. This is srs book.”

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #44: Cruise Control

Wednesday, May 26th, 2010

The Moral of the Story: If your parents buy you a car, you’ll suddenly turn into a moron.

Synopsis:

More College Crap: Trent has gotten into UCLA and Jeremy is getting antsy because he hasn’t yet heard back from Arizona. Jade has been accepted to three colleges, two in California and one in Oregon that her father persuaded her to apply to.

Twin Crap: Jessica is still mad at Liz because of the stupid anniversary party, and Liz can’t seem to figure out what Jessica’s problem is. Then Jeremy is so upset about the whole college thing that he tells Jessica he doesn’t feel like going out on Friday. Jessica locks herself in her room and cries all night. Liz cancels her date with Jeffrey to stay home and cheer her up, but Jessica isn’t interested. Jeff comes over with ice cream and Liz tries to get Jessica to watch a movie with them, but she doesn’t come out of her room until she hears Liz and Jeff having a water fight in the kitchen while doing the dishes. A chair gets ruined and Mrs. Wakefield asks Jessica what happened. Liz is pissed when Jessica doesn’t even hesitate before telling their mom about the water fight.

Jeremy finally gets an acceptance letter from Arizona, and he calls Jessica and tells her that’s where he wants to go. I guess they’d made plans to go to SVU together, but Jeremy has reconsidered. Jessica is, like, traumatized.

Scope is sponsoring an essay contest. The grand prize is a year at the school of journalism in England. Liz tries to work on her essay at home, but Jessica is always on the computer or just sulking around, so she goes to Jeffrey’s to do it. When Jessica finds out Jeremy is going to Arizona, she calls Liz at Jeffrey’s and asks her to come home. Liz goes and comforts her sister and they make up, but Liz doesn’t mention the fact that she might be spending the next year in England. She figures that would really send Jessica over the edge.

Crap about Trent: Trent’s parents have agreed to buy him a car to get to and from college, but he’s disappointed when he finds out he won’t be getting a brand new Mercedes. His parents have picked out a boring used Saab for him, but Trent manages to talk them into a model with a few more options. Blah blah blah. So Trent takes Tia out in his new car, and she gets all bent out of shape when he tells her she can’t eat in the car. She also nags him about driving too fast and gets annoyed by him calling the car a “her.” Shut up, Tia.

Trent makes Jeremy go for a ride with him even though they should both be studying for a physics test, and they end up not getting home with enough time to study. Trent acts surprised when he does badly on the test, but he doesn’t really care because he’s already been accepted to his college of choice. He doesn’t actually believe Jeremy when he says colleges can revoke acceptances based on bad grades during the last part of senior year.

Trent wants Jeremy and Tia to go with him to LA to check out some super cool club on Saturday night. Jeremy and Tia think he’s nuts. Trent’s dad is pissed about the physics test and puts Trent on curfew. Then Trent’s parents plan to go out of town for the weekend and Trent tries one more time to convince Jeremy and Tia to go to LA with him. They tell him he’s crazy. Trent decides to go alone and have such a good time that Jeremy and Tia feel like idiots for not coming with him. So he puts on his khaki pants and V-necked sweater and drives to LA. When he gets to the club, he notices everyone else in line has tattoos and piercings, and there’s an awful lot of leather. The bouncer never lets Trent in, so he eventually goes back to his car to drive home.

At two in the morning, Jeremy gets a phone call from the Santa Ana Medical Center. Trent’s been in an accident. Jeremy calls Tia, and her father drives them to the hospital, where Trent apologizes for acting like such a jerk.

Crap about Jade: Mr. Wu says he wants to pay Jade’s college tuition, but he’ll only pay it if she goes to the University of Oregon. Jade’s mom keeps telling Jade to go to whatever college is going to make her happy and they’ll figure out the money thing somehow, but Jade thinks it might just be easier to go to Oregon even though she doesn’t really want to. After a lot of useless pages about nothing, Jade decides to follow her heart and go to USC, not Oregon.

The Cover: This cover looks like it belongs on some kids’ book about basketball.

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #43: It Takes Two

Monday, May 24th, 2010

The Moral of the Story: Making a dinner reservation is hard work.

Synopsis:

College Woes: Melissa and Will get acceptance letters from east coast colleges and they each think it’s great that they’ll be getting away from the other. Evan gets a letter from Berkeley that says he’s on the waiting list, so he cries to Jade that he wasn’t accepted. She tries to teach him the difference between being rejected and being wait-listed, but Evan just wants to feel sorry for himself. Tia’s gotten acceptance letters from just about everywhere, including Berkeley, and Evan freaks on her when she says she’s not sure whether she wants to go to Berkeley or one of the other schools she applied to.

Evan sucks: Evan talks to his guidance counselor and finds out that Berkeley usually only accepts three students from Sweet Valley High, and that if one of them decides not to go, Evan will be moved up the waiting list. Jade convinces him that Tia would be a huge jerk if she didn’t hand over her spot to him. Tia flips out and tells Evan it’s completely out of line for him to ask her to give up her spot just for him. Evan calls Liz and tells her everything that’s been going on, and Liz tells Tia it’s not fair of her to not give her spot to Evan. Ah, there’s the meddlesome bitch we’ve been missing. Welcome back, Liz.

Tia goes to a Berkeley symposium and discovers it’s really not the place for her because the academics are too rigorous and somebody gives her a mean look when she asks about cheerleading. On her way out, she runs into Evan, who came to check things out. Tia tells him she’s not going to Berkeley and she hopes he gets in.

Melissa and Will are codependent: After being caught trying to get with Aaron, Melissa tries to call all her friends to tell them to ignore Cherie. Sadly for her, Cherie has gotten to them first and now everyone is mad at Melissa. Melissa decides she’s above all that now because she’s going to the east coast for college so none of this high school crap matters anymore. She loudly announces at cheerleading practice that she’s going to Smith. At First and Ten later, Cherie and the gang start gossiping and Will finds out about Smith. He’s hurt that Melissa would apply to an east coast school when they had planned to stay in California. Um, Will. You broke up. Who cares where she’s going to school?

While getting dressed for cheerleading practice one day, Cherie starts yapping about Will getting accepted to NYU. So now Melissa is hurt about all the same stupid crap Will was hurt about. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO? Melissa stops what she’s doing and puts her regular clothes back on. She tells everyone she’s quitting the squad because she’s going to be too busy getting ready for college. When Will finds out, he gets worried about all the changes Melissa is making in her life and he calls her to make sure she’s not going to try to kill herself again. Melissa hangs up on him.

Melissa goes to a seminar about Smith, but doesn’t feel like she fits in with the other girls. She kind of loses it when she says her personal heroine is some lip gloss creator and everyone looks at her like she’s crazy. She decides Smith isn’t the right place for her after all. So she goes home and now she’s sure she and Will belong together. Hate you, hate you, hate you.

Melissa goes to Will’s with the intention of getting back together. She apologizes for hanging up on him the night before, but gets pissed when Will asks if she’s going to apologize for trying to hook up with Aaron. Melissa says she was just trying to get back at him for kissing Erika, but Will insists it’s not the same thing. They argue for a bit, and then Will tells Melissa to go away and never come back. But then the next day, Will starts walking down the street to mail his acceptance letter to NYU and ends up going to Melissa’s instead. Because he “needs” her. They get back together for about the hundredth time.

Wakefield antics: Jessica suddenly remembers that her parents’ twenty-fifth anniversary is coming up. She and Liz and Steven were supposed to plan something, but now Liz is all wrapped up in Jeffrey and Steven is too busy being a cool college guy and nobody has anything planned. Steve returns Jessica’s call and ends up talking to Liz. They talk about booking a sushi place called Saki, but Steven says they should check it out first. Liz says she can’t but that Jessica is off the next night. Steve tells Liz to tell Jessica to be there at six o’clock. Of course Liz forgets and Steve gets pissed at Jessica for being a ditz.

Jessica yells at Liz, and then they decide to meet at their parents’ favorite restaurant, Le Chateau, to make a reservation. Why can’t they just call to make the reservation? Liz ends up having to go to Scope to work on something important, and Jessica waits around for her outside the restaurant for about twenty minutes before she gets pissed and goes inside to do it herself. Meanwhile, Liz keeps calling the restaurant in the hopes of talking to Jessica, but since Jessica’s outside, the guy answering the phone doesn’t know she’s there. God, this is so damned stupid. Why does it take two of you to make a reservation anyway? At home that night, Jessica asks Liz where she was and gets pissed when Liz says she figured Jessica just forgot.

The party ends up being wonderful, but nobody thanks Jessica. Everyone assumes Liz and Steve planned the whole thing. After Mrs. Wakefield makes a speech about how many to-do lists Elizabeth must have gone through, Jessica gets up and runs off to the bathroom to cry. Liz follows her and tries to calm her down, but then the hostess comes in and says Liz has a phone call from Jeff. Liz immediately gets up to go talk to him, and Jessica tells her that this is her real problem. Liz cares about everyone but her and everyone thinks she’s so great and that Jessica is so irresponsible. Oh man, I hope Jessica doesn’t try to run away again or join a cult.

The Cover: I think this is supposed to be Will and Melissa, but until I actually read the book I thought that chick was Tia. Stupid new cover models. And wow, that guy is ugly.

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #42: Touch and Go

Friday, May 21st, 2010

The Moral of the Story: Melissa is a bigger freak than Jessica ever was.

Synopsis:

Conner and Alanna: Conner keeps calling Alanna but she’s not answering. The only thing he can think to do is ask Tia to go talk to Alanna for him. Tia is a judgmental brat so she can’t stand Alanna, but she agrees to help out. She manages to convince Alanna that everything Conner did was because he loves her, and he was only hanging out with Elizabeth because they both like to write. Then Tia goes home and tells Andy she doesn’t think Conner and Alanna should be together.

Alanna finds out from Megan that Conner is going to an AA meeting, so she goes to meet him there. They make up in the parking lot and then go into the meeting together. One of the other alcoholics starts talking about how her sponsor told her she shouldn’t start any new relationships during the first year of sobriety. Alanna starts freaking out and doesn’t want anyone at the meeting to know she and Conner are together because she doesn’t want anyone to try to tell her they shouldn’t be. She’s relieved when Conner says he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with them dating.

Alanna’s dad yells at her because she never finished writing a letter he asked her to write. Mr. Feldman tells her how irresponsible she is, and Alanna can’t believe how much pressure he’s putting on her when she’s trying to stay sober. Letter writing is, like, so hard, you guys. So Alanna calls Conner to tell him about the fight, and then gets mad at him when he doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal. She doesn’t have anyone else she can call, so she finds the number for her “interim sponsor,” Sandra.

Sandra meets Alanna for coffee, and she says Alanna shouldn’t take her father’s stupidity so personally, which is exactly what Conner said. As soon as Sandra leaves, Alanna calls Conner to apologize. He asks her if she wants him to go to an AA meeting with her, but Alanna says no because she doesn’t want Sandra to see them together and know she has a boyfriend. Sandra actually does see them together at the coffee shop later and she sends Alanna an email asking about the guy. Alanna totally freaks out and decides to avoid Sandra altogether because she doesn’t want her to know she lied about having a boyfriend.

I cannot express in words how much I can’t stand Alanna. I’m tired of reading about her.

Alanna goes to an AA meeting at the YMCA in the hopes of avoiding Sandra, but wouldn’t you know it? Sandra always goes to the Thursday night meetings at the Y. Sandra asks her who the guy at the coffee house was and Alanna comes clean and says Conner is her boyfriend. She says she was afraid Sandra would tell her she wasn’t allowed to date anyone. Sandra is very understanding.

Melissa: Aaron thanks Melissa for tutoring him and says he has a test coming up. If he does well, he’ll bring up his average and be able to stay on the basketball team. Melissa isn’t finished working on her crazy revenge plans, so she decides to make sure he passes the test, but not with a high enough grade to stay on the team. After Aaron gets the B- Melissa expected, they get together to study again. Melissa can tell Aaron wants to make out with her, so she leans in and kisses him. He pushes her away and asks her what the hell she’s doing. Melissa runs away. Ha! Total burn.

Melissa lies to Will and says Aaron tried to kiss her, and of course Will wants to go beat him up immediately. Melissa convinces him not to because she knows Aaron will tell him what actually happened. Will tells his friends at school the next day that Aaron is a big jerk, and Aaron finds him at the end of the day and says Melissa was the one who kissed him and he can prove it.

Aaron gives Melissa a note saying he wants her to meet him on the soccer field and give him a second chance. So Melissa makes herself all sexy and goes to seduce Aaron. She assures Aaron that she won’t tell Will anything this time, and then Will and Cherie comes out of their hiding places. Everyone is pretty pissed off. Melissa can’t believe everyone is so mad at her.

Andy: Andy gets a call from Dave, who tells him he won some kind of scholarship. This makes Andy feel bad about himself because all his friends are always winning awards but he never does. (Andy, you have to actually do something award-worthy to win one.) Tia tells Trent and Dave about the time Andy did open mike comedy in New York, and they all convince him to do another open mike act at the club in Big Mesa. He tries to write himself an act, but all the jokes he comes up with are about his friends. He doesn’t feel right making fun of his friends in front of an audience, so he goes up there with nothing planned and totally bombs. Some guy stops him on his way out and tells him he has talent, but he needs some decent material. Both he and Dave encourage Andy to write what he knows and just go ahead and joke about his friends.

Andy tells Dave he’s going back to give the open mike another try, but he doesn’t want anyone else to know because he’s still not sure about using his friends in his act. Dave promises not to tell anyone, but then he immediately emails Tia and tells her to round up all of Andy’s friends and get them to the comedy club. Andy has the club cracking up, and even his friends think it’s funny when he starts in on them. Only Dave gets upset and he picks a fight with Andy. What a sissy. They make up the next day and everything is fine.

Quotes:

I can’t believe it. Aaron, Cherie, and Will were all working together to make me look bad. How could they do this to me?

Do I even need to say anything about this quote?

The Cover: Alanna and Conner, I guess. That does not look like the same Conner model from the other covers. I hate his hair.

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #41: He’s Back

Wednesday, May 19th, 2010

The Moral of the Story: If your best friend won’t speak to you, break your leg. As I’ve said before, everyone always makes up at the hospital.

The Big Deal: Basketball game

Synopsis:

Liz pretends to be over Conner: Conner keeps trying to call Alanna, but she’s not speaking to him because he ratted her out to her parents. Tia tells Liz she can’t hang out with her and Jeff because she plans on spending the evening making sure Conner’s okay. Liz’s heart flops around at the mention of Conner’s name, as usual, until Jeff walks in and his prettiness makes her forget all about old whats-his-name. When Tia tells Conner she wants to hang out, he says he’d rather be alone.

Liz goes to the Riot on Saturday night to watch DJ Jazzy Jeff do his thang, but she gets bored. She sees Conner at the bar and resolves to not go talk to him, but then she notices he’s about to down a glass of something that “wasn’t a soda.” She races over to the bar just in time to see him down half the glass, and then she feels like an idiot after she makes a big deal out of it and Conner tells her it was just seltzer water. Liz and Conner talk for a second, but then Jeffrey comes over looking jealous. Conner is irritated.

Melissa is a manipulative bitch: Melissa goes to Aaron Dallas’ house to help him study as part of her plan for revenge. They flirt all night, and then Melissa pumps Will for information about Aaron under the guise of trying to help Cherie get with him. She finds out Aaron likes rap, so she goes to the music store. Cherie is there because she already knows Aaron likes rap and she wants to get him a CD for his upcoming birthday. Melissa tells her all guys like classic rock, so Cherie should get Aaron a Who album just to be safe. Cherie is grateful for Melissa’s help.

Melissa goes to tutor Aaron again the day after his birthday date with Cherie, and Aaron says he didn’t really like the CD Cherie gave him. Melissa is all, “Oh, that’s too bad,” as she opens up her Discman and pulls out a rap CD. Aaron is impressed and asks Melissa to burn him a copy. Melissa has also found out that Aaron likes classic movies, so she makes sure to mention that she’s going to go rent Rear Window. Aaron is once again impressed and Melissa feels smug.

Shut up, Alanna: Alanna’s mother tells her she wants to spend Sunday with her doing mother-daughter things. Mrs. Feldman seems like she’s really trying, but Alanna has a miserable time anyway. They go to a spa and get full-body mud masks, and Alanna breaks out in hives because the mud has avocado in it and Alanna is allergic. Mrs. Feldman takes her to the hospital. A couple days later, Mrs. Feldman comes to Alanna’s room all excited because she’s gotten two tickets to see Boy Toy, some boy band Alanna hates. Alanna doesn’t tell her mom she hates boy bands, but then she’s all depressed because her mother doesn’t know her at all. I hate you, Alanna. I hate you a lot.

Liz has the world’s biggest ego: In creative writing on Monday, Conner reads one of his short stories. It’s about a musician losing his guitar, and Liz is absolutely certain it’s a metaphor that means Conner is still in love with her. Good lord, the ego is strong on this one. So now everything Jeffrey does is annoying her. Liz sits with Tia and Conner at lunch the next day, much to their surprise, and says she’s having trouble with her creative writing assignment. Conner says he can help her, so they agree to meet at House of Java the next night. All the next day, Liz can’t stop thinking about Conner and their study date, but then Jeffrey tells her Michelle Mann, Liz’s favorite author, is doing a book signing in town. Okay, if it was me, I’d for sure go see my favorite author (I’m talking to you, Stephen King) and reschedule with Conner. But Liz is an idiot and she tells Jeffrey she can’t go because she’s studying with Conner. Jeffrey doesn’t like it, but he’s placated when Liz assures him that she and Conner are just friends.

Liz and Conner get together to study again on Friday night. Liz is feeling nervous and excited and wondering how she’ll break up with Jeffrey if she and Conner get back together. Then Conner says he wants to change his guitar story and make it so the musician destroys the guitar in the end. Liz figures this means that either Conner wants her dead or the story was never about her in the first place. She feels like an idiot.

Meanwhile, Alanna is having absolutely no fun at the Boy Toy concert and she blows up at her mother in the parking lot afterward. She screams that she hates Boy Toy and just wants a mother who will listen. Mrs. Feldman fails to point out that Alanna never said anything worth listening to (such as, “I don’t like Boy Toy and don’t want to go to their concert.”), but starts crying about how she just wants to make things better between them. This somehow makes Alanna realize she wants to talk to Conner, so her mom takes her home to get her car.

Liz has apparently gotten over her mortification, and she and Conner are playing Scrabble when Alanna shows up. When Alanna sees Liz, she turns around, gets in her car and drives away. Liz is disappointed when Conner follows her. She goes home and thinks about things, and she suddenly realizes she really loves Jeff and not Conner. So am I supposed to think she’s over him now? With only seven books left in the series, now she’s finally over him? Whatever. Conner catches up to Alanna at a stop light and starts to get out of his car, but she speeds through the intersection and nearly gets hit by a truck. Conner decides he should just leave her alone if she’d rather get into a wreck than talk to him.

Trent and Jeremy renew their man-love: Trent is tired of Jeremy being mad at him, so he’s aggressively trying to win back his friendship rather than wait around for Jeremy to forgive him. Jeremy gets food poisoning one night and can’t go to work the next day, so Trent goes in his place. When Jeremy finds out, he thanks Trent but tells him it doesn’t make up for him trying to hook up with his girlfriend. Trent and Jeremy are on Big Mesa’s basketball team and Trent gets hurt during a game. He tries to play through it, but Jeremy tells the coach he thinks Trent should go to the hospital. Coach agrees, but Trent is convinced Jeremy wanted him taken out of the game for personal reasons. It isn’t until his leg is in a cast because of a hairline fracture that Trent realizes Jeremy might have been right. Out in the waiting room, Jeremy is wringing his hands and hoping Trent will forgive him for being so jerky the last few weeks. They make up. Because that’s what happens at hospitals.

Quotes:

[Conner] couldn’t believe this was what he had come to – spending Saturday afternoon brooding.

How is this different from any other Saturday for Conner?

The Cover and Title: Who’s back? Conner? WHY DO YOU CARE?

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #40: Never Give Up

Monday, May 17th, 2010

The Moral of the Story: Despite all evidence to the contrary, horrible parents really do care.

Synopsis:

Dance aftermath: Melissa is pissed and feeling sorry for herself because none of her stupid friends have called to make sure she’s all right. Alanna wasn’t supposed to go to the dance at all, and now her parents want to ship her off to a boarding school because she broke the rules. Erika ditched Will last night and he’s pretty much over her now.

Alanna is an alcoholic: Alanna doesn’t want to go to any dumb boarding school, so she uses the credit card her parents gave her and books a flight to Chicago. Her best friend, Lisa, moved there a while back, and she lets Alanna stay at her house. Meanwhile, Alanna’s parents notice she’s gone and Mrs. Feldman calls Conner demanding to know where her daughter is. Conner has no idea and the fact that she’s missing and didn’t call him worries him. He goes to all her favorite hangouts to try to find her, and finally goes to her house to tell her parents she’s not with him.

Melissa is psychotic: Will goes over to Melissa’s house to try to get back together with her since things didn’t work out with Erika and because he’s a co-dependent wuss. Melissa doesn’t let him in because she’s so pissed at him, and she doesn’t think she wants to get back together with him. But then she sees her friend Cherie’s car passing her house, so she hugs Will and tells him she’ll take him back. She knows Cherie saw them, and she figures that by the next morning it’ll be all over school that she and Will are back together and everything will go back to normal.

Cherie tells Melissa she really likes Aaron Dallas but she doesn’t know if he likes her. Melissa’s brain goes into overdrive and she comes up with some hare-brained scheme to “get back” at both Cherie and Will. She finds out Aaron needs help in English and tells him she’ll be his tutor. I imagine this will end up with them making out or something, but I guess we’ll have to wait until the next book to find out.

I’m halfway through the book and Tia hasn’t made a single appearance so I don’t know why she’s on the cover.

Ken blah blah blah: Ken’s dad actually seems to take an interest in him, and he takes Ken to a couple of the schools he applied to. He embarrasses Ken when he asks if athletes are held to the same academic standards as everyone else, and he seems displeased when he finds out they are. Ken goes to school on Monday and Mr. Nelson tells him his sophomore guidance counselor made some kind of mistake with Ken’s classes, and now he doesn’t meet the math requirements to get into any of the schools he applied to. Ken feels sorry for himself and decides he’s too stupid for a big fancy school anyway. I’ll second that.

Blah blah Ken mopes about college blah blah. His father apologizes to him for riding him so hard all year and tries to convince him he really does think Ken is smart enough to get into a college based on grades rather than football. I could not possibly care less about Ken or his stupid dad.

Tia is a nosy bitch: Conner’s freaking out a little by Monday afternoon, and he tells Tia he’s not going to his guitar lesson because Alanna is missing. Tia goes crazy, talking about how he needs to prepare for his future. Conner has an audition on Wednesday for some awesome music school, and I guess Tia thinks missing this one practice is going to prevent him from getting in. She’s not letting that happen on her watch. Man, she’s getting to be as bad as Liz.

Conner remembers Alanna mentioning her friend who moved to Chicago, so he calls another of her friends, gets Lisa’s number and gives her a call. Lisa says she can neither confirm nor deny Alanna’s presence in Chicago, so Conner figures that’s where she is. He tells Andy what’s going on and asks him for enough money for a plane ticket, and then gets pissed when Andy says he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for Conner to miss his audition, and besides, he doesn’t have that kind of cash.

Tia tells Conner that if he goes to his audition, she’ll get him to Chicago. The audition goes just fine and then Tia drives Conner to the Feldmans’ house, despite his protests. The Feldmans start bickering with Conner and Tia calms them all down and says the three of them should fly out to Chicago together because Conner is probably the only one Alanna will talk to. So they all go to Chicago and Conner goes to the homeless shelter to get Alanna and bring her to the hotel. As soon as she sees her parents, she starts freaking out and yelling at Conner about his betrayal. She starts to settle down a little when she realizes her parents are in tears and are really just glad she’s safe.

Quotes:

He knew Andy must have a savings account, or a college fund, or something his parents had probably started for him years ago. And if he really wanted to, he could get the money. Conner was sure of it.

And Andy should just give you money out of his alleged college fund just because you asked him to?

The Cover and Title: So this is the larger version of that other cover. I still don’t get why she’s even on the damned cover, considering she’s barely in this book. And I guess the title means she’s never going to give up on Conner? I thought it meant she was going to try to get him back, so at least that stupidity didn’t happen.

Sweet Valley High Senior Year #39: Best of Enemies

Friday, May 14th, 2010

The Moral of the Story: Any excuse for a dance, right?

The Big Deal: President’s Day dance

Synopsis:

Melissa is a manipulative bitch: Melissa is totally pissed that Will kissed another girl, but she figures he can make it up to her and then things will be back to normal. So she goes to school all ready to listen to his groveling, and she’s thoroughly confused when Will never shows up at her locker. She finally sees him near the end of the day and he tells her he thinks they should break up. The cheerleaders have to organize a President’s Day dance (don’t ask), and Melissa is determined that she and Will are back together before the dance can happen, and that way she won’t have to go dateless and nobody will ever know about the breakup.

Melissa and Jessica are both assigned to work on music for the dance, and neither one of them is happy about it. Melissa is so depressed about Will that she just tells Jessica to do all the work herself. Jessica makes some crappy flyers to let everyone know she’s looking for a band (aw, I guess the Droids broke up or are no longer the go-to band for dances), and then gets pissed when Melissa says she sent a mass email to the students telling them when their bands could audition. Jessica thinks the best way to get back at Melissa (for what, actually helping?) is to overwhelm her with work. So she gets Jeremy to put up flyers at Big Mesa and Steven to put up flyers at the university.

Audition time rolls around and Jessica the genius has a headache from listening to so many terrible bands. She really didn’t think this one through. A couple of girls are gossiping outside the auditorium, and Jessica hears them say Will dumped Melissa after he made out with Erika Brooks. Melissa freaks out and leaves, and Jessica actually feels bad for her. Why? Some guy named Ronald comes up to Jessica and gives her a CD. Ronald and Jessica apparently shared a locker back in eighth grade and now he’s a DJ. He offers to work at the dance for a sweetly discounted price. Jessica hires him.

After a weird pep talk from her mother (“remind Will of what he’s missing”), Melissa decides to go snag a college boy toy. She puts on a black leather miniskirt, heads out to the SVU campus and crashes the first party she can find. She starts flirting with a good looking guy, but backs off when he introduces himself as Steve Wakefield. She finds what seems to be the most lecherous guy in the room, Kel, and makes vaguely sexy promises to show him a good time if he’ll go with her to the SVH dance. Kel, apparently willing to go to considerable lengths for jailbait, agrees.

Andy and Dave are gay: Dave’s father has been avoiding him since Dave announced he’s gay, but his mom is really cool. Dave tells her about Andy, and Ms. Niles insists on taking the two of them to dinner so she can meet him. Andy sweeps her off her feet and the three of them have a lovely time together, so Andy thinks everything is awesome now. He can’t believe it when Dave doesn’t want to go to the dance with him.

At the dance: Andy is overjoyed when Dave shows up after all. Alanna kind of freaks out a little when she realizes someone has spiked the punch, but she manages not to drink any. Melissa, on the other hand, gets totally sloshed and Will is sickened because she’s letting Kel put his hands all over her. Will is having a bad time anyway because Erika is pretty much ignoring him, and the night just gets worse when he and Melissa are voted as President and First Lady (because it’s a President’s Day dance, of course). Melissa gets angry about this for some reason and makes a huge scene. She tells Will that she and Kel are leaving to have some “real fun.”

After they leave, Ronald the DJ tells Jessica that Kel is a total perv whose dad has a lot of money so “charges against him tend to get dropped.” Kel apparently did something to one of Ronald’s friends, and he’s worried something bad is going to happen to Melissa. Jessica finds them in the parking lot. She can tell Melissa doesn’t really want to be anywhere near Kel, so she makes something up about Melissa needing to come back inside. Kel starts to get fresh, but Jeremy and Trent come out as backup. Kel leaves and Jeremy and Jessica take Melissa home. Jessica thinks Melissa is asleep in the backseat and she tells Jeremy she was really looking forward to the dance because it would have been their first dance together. Melissa hears this and leaves a CD in the car for Jessica and Jeremy to listen to. They pop it in and dance around in Melissa’s driveway. I think. I kind of stopped paying attention toward the end there.

Quotes:

Mrs. Fox: It’s very simple, Melissa. All you have to do is remind Will of what he’s missing.

Melissa: You think I should just prance around in some hot outfit and flirt with other guys until Will starts paying attention again?

Mrs. Fox: That is precisely what I think.

Well, at least we know Melissa comes by her crazy honestly. It clearly runs in the family.

The Cover: I think I’d look pretty bitchy too if I had a Wakefield giving me pitying looks all the time.