Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: If you don’t press charges against a rapist, he’ll blow up your school. *

The Big Deal: Big football game

Synopsis:

Devon Whitelaw is at some crappy motel when he gets a letter from his old nanny, whose name is Nan. She wants him to stay with her in Sweet Valley, California. Devon travels that way and demands to know why Nan hasn’t contacted him in all the years since she quit working for the Whitelaws. It turns out Devon’s parents returned all Nan’s letters to her for no reason I can figure. Nan clearly cares about him, so Devon decides to stay in Sweet Valley. He goes out to explore the town and notices there’s a football game at the high school. He sees a beautiful blond girl with a heart-shaped face and instantly falls in love. Sigh.

Steve posts bail for Lila and it gets him in trouble at work. The twins can’t believe Steve would give up his whole career for Lila and they think the whole sick relationship needs to end. So, while Lila’s going through all the trauma of having her house burn down and being accused of setting the fire, the twins decide to play a trick on her. Bitches. They write Lila a letter from Steve, outlining the wonderful life they’re going to have, family barbecues, tons of kids, simple pleasures the whole way. Lila gets pissed and wonders just what luxuries Steve thinks she’s going to give up.

The next time Steve goes to work, the D.A. fires him. He starts clearing out his desk and finds a picture of Billie. It makes him all teary-eyed. Then he goes to the evidence room to take one last look at the Fowler case. He finds a fragment of the bomb from the restaurant. There’s a piece of a soda can, ProSport lemon, which is the kind of soda John Pfeifer had on his desk at the Oracle office.

Lila and Steve haven’t broken up yet, so Liz decides to write another letter. When Steve reads it, he can’t believe Lila cares so much about having dinner parties and introducing him to the right people. Blah, blah, blah. Who cares? Lila and Steve spend a few days apart, but the twins aren’t satisfied because what if they decide they miss each other? They decide the best thing to do is get them together while they’re still upset about the letters. There’s a big football game coming up and they figure that will be the perfect time.

At the game, Jessica tells Lila that Steve wants to see her, and Liz tells Steve that Lila wants to see him. They meet inside the school and break up amicably, but then Lila mentions Steve’s letter. Confusion follows and they realize the twins set them up. They think it would be funny to go back to the game all lovey-dovey and trick the twins, but on their way there, they see John Pfeifer hiding in some bushes.

John runs away, and Lila and Steve follow him around to the front of the gym. John has gone completely off the deep end. He gives an Evil Villain speech and talks about how he burned down Fowler Crest because he hates Lila for turning him into an outcast. Then he lights the fuse and the gym explodes. Somehow, Lila and Steve are okay, but John dies.

Whoa.

The next morning, Steve’s making breakfast when the D.A. shows up at the front door and offers to give Steve his job back. The twins start jumping up and down and Jessica kisses the D.A. on the cheek, which kind of cracks me up. Then Lila, who spent the night because her parents are STILL out of town, comes downstairs and asks what the commotion is all about. Steve winks at her and tells her the good news, and then he and Lila tell the twins they’re engaged. They get a good laugh out of the looks on the twins’ faces. Steve drives Lila home, and her parents FINALLY show up and tell her how sorry they are and that they’ll never again go someplace where Lila can’t get in touch with them. So I guess that’s resolved.

Quotes:

When Lila had officially been booked, a female officer with frizzy red hair guided her toward the holding cell.

Just so you know, all the cops are ugly. That’s how we know we’re supposed to hate them.

He couldn’t imagine actually fitting in – a cold climate East Coaster in this mellow, warm place.

Oh, don’t worry about that, Devon. Almost all our new students are from the east coast!

The Cover: Is that how the preppy people dressed in January of 1998? I wouldn’t know, I was too busy wearing my crappy Nirvana shirts and holey jeans ‘cause I was just that awesome.

*I’m kidding. But seriously, please press charges if you ever find yourself in this kind of situation.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: Having bad taste in guys will get you arrested.

The Big Deal: Another big fire

Synopsis:

Jessica is totally disgusted about Lila and Steve (who wouldn’t be?). Liz drags her upstairs before she can make a scene, so Jessica doesn’t see Lila until the next morning. She tries to convince her friend that Steve is all wrong for her because he’s a “burgers-and-baseball kind of guy.” Lila doesn’t care. Jessica tells her she’s just going to take a little break from their friendship until this whole Steve situation blows over. Damn, that’s cold.

Steve’s boss is ridiculous and won’t even consider the possibility that Lila didn’t start the fire. Steve mentions investigating former employees at Fowler Crest, but the boss won’t allow it. He says they’ve already found their arsonist. This guy is the worst D.A. ever. He’s insistent that Steve remain close to Lila. I don’t understand if he’s hoping Steve will get a confession or what. I don’t think Steve gets it either, as he spends a lot of time blinking in a confused way. Depending on the time of day and who he’s talking to, Steve is alternately sure Lila isn’t the arsonist and worried she might be. I hate Steven so much.

Steve asks Lila about any enemies she has, and she tells him about John Pfeifer. Steve decides John is the arsonist and he gets Liz to let him into the Oracle office to search John’s desk. He finds a document that looks like it went through the printer all slanted, and it looks like it came from the same printer as a mysterious web printout Steve received at work one day. The printout Steve got was a list of traits of an arsonist, most of which applied to Lila. Steve thinks he’s onto something, and just then John comes in, demanding to know why Steve and Liz are going through his shit. He and Steve exchange words, and Steve basically tells him he thinks John set the fire.

That night, Liz tells Jessica what happened, but now she’s somehow got it into her head that Lila might really be responsible for everything. She even goes so far as to wonder if Lila lied about John trying to rape her. What a bitch. Jessica says Lila can’t possibly be the one who set the fire because she loves Fowler Crest and she loves her clothes and wouldn’t want to get gasoline on them.

Steve’s boss is totally unimpressed with his theory about John Pfeifer and is still convinced Lila’s the only person in the world who could have possibly started the fire. Steve takes Lila out for dinner and has to break the news to her that she’s still the number one suspect. She doesn’t take it too well and gets kind of snippy. She gets up to use the bathroom, and while she’s gone, someone throws something through the restaurant’s window and a fire starts. Steve and Lila find each other in the ensuing chaos. When they get outside, there are some police officers hanging around Lila’s car. They place Lila under arrest because they found all the makings of a homemade bomb in the Triumph.

Devon Whitelaw has some adventures with his uncle Pete in Las Vegas, but decides to move on when he discovers Pete is a thief. I skimmed most of his story because I so don’t care, but his story accounted for most of this book. Hence the sort of short recap. Sorry about that.

Quotes:

“Looking up information on the computer?” [Steve] repeated, bells going off in his head. “You mean like surfing the Net?” The printout on arsonists that someone had mysteriously left on his desk had been downloaded form a Web page.

I still can’t get over early internet and computer descriptions.

“Remember back in middle school, when Lila went on a shoplifting spree to get back at her father?”

Actually, that was just “months ago.” SVT scholars, did she do this in middle school as well?

The Cover: Um, I guess that’s Devon? He’s not even in Sweet Valley yet. Is it really time for him to have his very own book cover?

The Moral of the Story: If you have matches, you’re probably an arsonist.

The Big Deal: A big fire

Synopsis:

Lila is heartbroken because Bo has broken up with her. It was too hard to maintain such a long distance relationship. Lila takes all his love letters and burns them in the fireplace. She falls asleep, and when she wakes up the house is on fire. She tries to escape, but passes out instead. Meanwhile, the twins are at home preparing a big welcome for Steve, who’s coming home for a semester while he interns at the D.A.’s office. He’s also all heartbroken because Billie broke up with him for not including her in his decision to go to Sweet Valley. Whatever.

Somebody calls the Wakefields to tell them Lila’s in the hospital and her parents can’t be reached. At the hospital, Lila says her parents are vacationing on a remote island that doesn’t even have a phone. Yeah, they just needed a break. They’re such great parents. Steve goes off to his first day of work the next day and is shocked when the D.A. tells him the Fowler fire was arson and Lila is the prime suspect.

When Lila gets out of the hospital, she insists on sleeping in the pool house, turning down Jessica’s offer of a place to stay. Jessica is worried that the arsonist will come back for Lila, so she asks for Steve’s help. Steve goes over to Fowler Crest and tells Lila he’s investigating the case and is going to find out who did it. After Lila explains that she was burning Bo’s letters, she and Steve bond over their recent breakups. Suddenly, they each notice how attractive the other is. Steve goes back to the D.A. and says he really doesn’t think Lila’s guilty, but then gets all shocked and confused when the D.A. says they found an empty gas can in Lila’s car. Umm. If I had a gas can, that’s where I’d keep it, right? That way, if I run out of gas, I can take my gas can and walk to a gas station. Right?

Steve calls Lila to tell her about this new development and she insists on taking him out to dinner. This causes like five pages of Liz worrying because Steve told her he’d watch a movie with her and Todd. Shut up, Liz. Lila dismisses the gas can thing immediately, saying the chauffeur probably left it there. Steve worries through the entire dinner about his feelings for Lila. As they’re leaving the restaurant, Steve is horrified when Lila takes a book of matches as a souvenir. Now he thinks she might be a pyromaniac. Lila comes over to the house one night and Steve starts yelling at her to tell the truth about the fire. She gets pissed and starts to walk out the door, but they somehow end up making out. Jessica and Liz see them and are totally scandalized.

While all this is going on, there’s some sixteen-year-old guy named Devon Whitelaw coming to town. He’s lived in Connecticut his whole life with his rich parents, but they died recently in a car crash. Don’t worry, Devon’s not too broken up about it because they were very Fowlery and weren’t around very much. Devon has to find a guardian if he wants his multi-million dollar inheritance. He’s always hated his life in Connecticut, so he decides to head out west. He stops at an aunt and uncle’s house in Ohio and they offer him a home, but it becomes clear to Devon that they’re really after his money. He leaves Ohio to go try out an uncle in Las Vegas.

Quotes:

“We could invite everyone and have a live band, like the Droids.”

What do you mean “like” the Droids? Are there any other bands in town?

Sweet Valley’s main hospital was named after Lila’s great-uncle, so Lila was sure to get special treatment.

I didn’t think Lila had any great-uncles worth naming a hospital after.

“Oh, it’s just a little souvenir,” Lila responded lightly. “I always take matches from restaurants.”

Steven absorbed the information with alarm. Lila loved candlelight, and she collected matches…Is she a pyromaniac? Steven wondered.

Steven is an idiot. This thought process amazes me.

The Cover: This cover is horrible. Jessica looks less like she’s upset and more like she’s choking. Steve looks like he’s asleep. Even when he’s a real person, he looks like a robot. I hate Lila’s outfit.

The Moral of the Story: Sweet Valley High needs to start doing psych evals on potential cheerleaders.

The Big Deal: Big basketball tournament

Synopsis:

In the prologue, the SVH cheerleading squad is tied up in somebody’s basement, which is filling with water while “Free Bird” plays on a radio upstairs. Oh boy. I can’t wait to see how this happened…

One day, Liz is called to the principal’s office after school. Mr. Cooper introduces her to Diane and Brad, a writer and photographer from Scoop magazine. They’re in Sweet Valley because they’re going to write an article about “The Girls of Seventy-Six.” The “Girls” are the SVH cheerleading squad of 1976, who did nothing more extraordinary than win the state competition that year. Diane happened to be on that squad, but I still can’t imagine why a national magazine would care about it. Anyway, the article is a “where are they now?” kind of thing, and Mr. Cooper has offered Liz up as a research assistant. In exchange, she’ll get a credit in the magazine.

Liz leaves for the library to start her research right away. Brad follows her and obnoxiously starts flirting and asking her where da party at. He’s confused and thinks Liz is the cheerleader who was just showing off for him on the football field. Just so you’re aware, Brad is the best looking guy we’ve ever seen. Liz gets rid of him. In the library, she tells Ms. Swanson, the new shy library assistant, all about the article. We can assume Ms. Swanson mysteriously has something to do with the Girls of Seventy-Six because she wears hippie clothes, says things like “far out,” listens to classic rock and has a bad reaction to Liz’s talk about the article.

Jessica and her cheerleaders are all upset because the school board just made a rule that all school activities must now have a faculty adviser. Finally! They can’t think of anyone who would still let them do sexy moves and wear skimpy outfits and this pains them. Liz suggests Ms. Swanson. Jessica thinks that’s a great idea because she figures she’ll be too shy to tell the cheerleaders what to do. At her very first practice, Ms. Swanson starts to get weird when she confuses the cheerleaders with the Girls of Seventy-Six. Meanwhile, Liz finds out there was another girl on the ’76 squad who dropped out because she had some kind of weird disease. Of course, nobody remembers her name, but I’ll bet you anything it’s Nancy Swanson. Anyway, all this research is taking up too much of Liz’s time and Todd gets pissy like he always does and they have a big fight.

Amy and Jade don’t show up for cheerleading practice on Friday, but Nancy tells the rest of the squad that she sent them up the coast to pick up the new uniforms. Later that night, Nancy sits in her beanbag chair listening to her Doobie Brothers records loud enough to drown out the noises coming from her basement. She remembers being seventeen and suddenly having this unnamed mysterious disease that makes her twitch and stuff. The other girls kicked her off the cheerleading squad and one of them Loretta, stole her boyfriend, George. So I guess it all traumatized her so bad that she wants to punish the current cheerleaders. Whatever. I mean, that’s pretty shitty, but don’t be a crazed maniac because of it. The next day, she kidnaps Heather and throws her in the basement with Amy and Jade. Amy’s and Heather’s mothers both call Jessica to find out if she knows where their daughters might be, but Jessica is too wrapped up in her dates with Brad to concern herself with such things.

Liz accompanies Diane and Brad to Gina Bari’s house. Gina’s sister is Loretta, the captain of the ’76 squad. She tells our gang that Loretta died shortly after graduation, but that she was never the same after “the accident.” Apparently, Loretta and George were driving around when George grabbed the wheel and steered the car off a bridge. George died instantly, and later there was some mysterious ugly girl whose name nobody can remember on Loretta’s front lawn screaming at Loretta for killing her boyfriend. The September after she took her squad to nationals, Loretta got drunk and drowned in the quarry. The story gives Liz flashbacks to the accident that killed Sam. She’s all sad and stuff and decides to stop being mad at Todd because she needs him. Todd hangs up on her when she calls. Ha! But damn, they make up the next day.

On Sunday, Annie and Jessica meet at the mall and realize all the other cheerleaders are missing except Lila. Then Jessica goes home and gets pissed that Lila isn’t there like she said she’d be. *facepalm* Jessica is about to get ready for a date with Brad when a car pulls up outside. Lila’s at the wheel and Annie’s in the backseat. Nancy is in the passenger seat and she tells Jessica to hop in so they can talk. Jessica says she has to be somewhere else, but Nancy pulls out a gun and tells her she’d better just go ahead and get in the fucking car.

So now we’ve caught up to the prologue. The cheerleaders are in the basement and “Free Bird” is playing upstairs while water pours out of a pipe. For some reason, when none of the cheerleaders come home Sunday night, all their parents come to the conclusion that they’re at Maria’s house having a big party because her parents are out of town. Nobody goes over there or anything, but they take the fact that nobody is answering the phone there as proof of this party. Then, when all the cheerleaders skip school on Monday, everyone thinks they’re just a bunch of wild and crazy gals. Nobody worries.

Jessica manages to get herself untied and she unties everyone else. They all gather at the top of the stairs near the apparently watertight door, but the water level is still rising. Liz shows up because she had a flash of brilliance and deduced that Nancy was the missing cheerleader from 1976 and she wants to talk to her for the article. When she gets there, all that happens is that she gets thrown into the basement with the others. Well done.

Since Nancy seems to be living in the past and keeps calling the cheerleaders by the names of the girls on the ’76 squad, Liz comes up with the idea of going along with it and pretending they want Nancy on the squad. The plan gets Amy’s Project-Youth-volunteer seal of approval, so they all start chanting some cheer and then yelling for Nancy to join them. Finally, Nancy opens the door and the water rushes out and knocks her over. The cheerleaders go free and Nancy gets arrested. Hooray!

I guess that’ll show the school board what happens when you try to impose a little adult supervision over the cheerleaders.

Quotes:

“Cowabunga! Brad is looking better and better every minute!”

Did anyone besides Ninja Turtles ever actually say “cowabunga?” Especially as late as October of 1997?

“Why can’t he cut me a little slack now and then when I’m working on a writing project that matters to me? He does this every single time!”

He really does. Maybe it’s time to BREAK UP!!

The Cover: Very compelling picture, I guess. But not really what happened in the book.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: If you have a sad enough story, you’re allowed to be a criminal and escape punishment.

The Big Deal: We’re still in France.

Synopsis:

The royal children come down to the dungeon, tie up the guard and unlock the door so the twins can escape. Jessica thinks they should stick around because running away will make them look guilty, but Liz says that without Jacques, they have no proof of their innocence. They take off for town in search of Jacques, but they turn around when Liz realizes she just has to see Laurent one more time. The children meet them outside the castle and one of them goes to get Laurent. He and Liz have a passionate embrace or two and then the horrible countess comes outside and starts yelling at the twins. Jessica tears Liz out of Laurent’s arms and they go running into the woods. After a while, Liz twists her ankle. Jessica builds a shelter out of tree branches and the twins go to sleep.

Later that night, Jacques gets the feeling that Jessica is in trouble. He really loves her, so he steals a horse and goes riding around trying to find her. He runs into Laurent, who is also out searching for the twins. Jacques offers to help, but he doesn’t want Laurent around if he finds the twins, so he sends him back to the castle, saying he’ll contact him in three hours. Laurent talks to his parents, who tell him they can get the countess not to prosecute the twins if Laurent promises to marry Antonia. Laurent agrees. Jacques finds the twins looking for him in town. They yell and scream at him at first, but then he tells him his whole sad story about how his mother died. Jessica cries and gives him a big hug and even Liz feels bad for him. They ask if he has the diamond necklace and he says he has to go get it from his father and he’ll be right back. He comes back with a note from his father that says he took the necklace. Jacques decides to sacrifice himself for Jessica, so he goes back to the castle with them. They get there just as Laurent is announcing his betrothal to Antonia. Jacques goes to the podium and tells everyone he’s the one who really stole the countess’s jewels. The guards take him away and throw him in the dungeon. Jessica tries to break him out, but fails epically.

Laurent decides he absolutely will not marry Antonia. The countess is pissed. She goes to Liz and tells her there will be an “international incident” if Laurent and Antonia don’t hook up, and that will only happen if Liz gets out of Dodge. Liz freaks out, and without even sparing a thought for Jessica, she packs her bags and takes off for the train station. One of the kids, Pierre, overhears all of this and he goes to tell Laurent. Laurent gets on his trusty steed and gallops away. He gets to the train just as it starts moving, so he’s able to be all dashing and jump onto the train and order the driver to stop. He sweeps Liz off her feet and asks her to marry him. She’s a little overwhelmed at this point and can only stutter, so he tells her to give him an answer later. For now, he’ll just go ahead and take her back to the castle.

That night, Laurent wakes up to find a stranger in his room. The man introduces himself as Jacques’ father. He tells Laurent the same sad story Jacques told the twins: his seamstress wife died because her rich customers wouldn’t help pay for her medicines, so he’s been stealing from rich people ever since. Laurent is just as touched by this story as the twins were, and he gives Louis some money and tells him how to break Jacques out of the dungeon. Seriously? I mean, yeah, that’s a sad story, but dude. The guy’s an international jewel thief.

So, in the end, Jacques and his father go free, Liz tells Laurent she can’t marry him, and then she goes home and makes out with Todd. Dammit, I hoped they were really broken up this time.

Quotes:

“Come on,” Elizabeth grumbled. “Let’s find Jacques and get this thing straightened out so I can take a bath and change clothes. I feel totally grungy.”

You’ve escaped from a dungeon and you’re now hiding in the woods. Is your hygiene really the most important issue here?

“You must swear on your sister’s life, Jessica,” he insisted.

He’s so sexy when he’s intense like this, Jessica thought, her heart thumping.

Yeah, my sister’s mortality always whips me into a frenzy.

The Cover: Whenever I look at this cover, all I can think of is These Happy Golden Years by Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Read part one of this miniseries here.

The Moral of the Story: If you’re an American in France, you’ll get locked in a dungeon.

The Big Deal: A royal ball

Synopsis:

Jessica is happy that Jacques has come to see her and she can’t wait to let the duke of Norveaux parade her around as his girlfriend. She seems to have forgotten that the housekeeper told her that Norveaux doesn’t actually exist. Jacques dashes her hopes when he says he can’t be seen in the castle. He makes up some story about a feud between his family and the de Saint-Maries. Jessica buys it. Jacques continues to sneak over to the castle on a daily basis, and every day he tries to get into Jessica’s room. Jessica leaves for a minute and when she comes back, she finds Jacques rummaging around her pile of dirty clothes. He tells her he’s folding her clothes to show her he’s a modern man. Jessica buys it. Another time, he asks Jessica to give her back the “fake” emerald he gave her on the train. He says she deserves a real gem and he can’t bear the thought of her wearing a fake. Jessica buys it, but keeps the emerald. Another time, he starts choking and coughing and begging for water. Jessica buys it and leaves to get him a glass of water. As soon as she closes the door, Jacques stops coughing. She peeks into the room and sees him pocketing her jewelry case. They wrestle for it and Jacques even gives her a pearl bracelet to replace the emerald, but Jessica insists on keeping it. She doesn’t know that Jacques and his father are thieves who promised the emerald to a client. When Jacques tells her she only wants to keep it because she’s ignorant, it finally pisses Jessica off enough that she tells him she never wants to see him again.

Liz is having the time of her life with Prince Laurent. Then one day, Laurent’s parents tell him he needs to announce his decision to marry Antonia, the horrible countess’s daughter. Laurent wants nothing to do with her and tells his parents he’s in love with the au pair. They are, of course, scandalized. Laurent doesn’t contact Liz for a whole day and Liz gets freaked out. She goes out to the cottage to see him, but he’s all cold and distant. She storms off in a huff. Laurent comes to see her the next night and tells her he loves her. They make out.

A diamond necklace goes missing from Antonia’s room and the countess is sure one of the servants took it. The twins convince themselves the countess stole it herself for the insurance money. They go searching in countess’s suite, but find nothing. That’s because Jacques took the necklace and gave it to his father to sell.

Liz overhears some servants talking about Prince Laurent announcing his engagement at the upcoming ball. Because the world revolves around her, she misunderstands their meaning and assumes Prince Laurent is going to announce his marriage to her. She immediately runs upstairs to her room so she can write in her journal. She works herself into a frenzy before deciding she should just go to Laurent’s cottage and talk to him. When she gets there, she finds Laurent in the garden, holding hands with Antonia and having a chat with the countess. Liz goes off on him for not having told her about his engagement. She runs back to the castle and sobs in Jessica’s arms.

The twins get to go to the ball that night because they will be performing a tableau with the children. Jessica decides to wear the damned emerald to the ball. When the countess sees it, she freaks out. After the tableau, the twins go to their rooms to change into their ball gowns. The countess brings a couple guards up to the servant quarters and has them throw the twins in the dungeon. Jessica finally realizes Jacques is a thief.

Quotes:

“Maybe I should wear more makeup,” [Elizabeth] whispered, turning her head from side to side to study the various angles of her face. “How would I look with a more dramatic style, like Jessica’s?”

You’d probably look like Jessica.

“This bracelet is totally awesome.”

I think it’s at this point in time that the ghostwriters discovered the word “awesome.” It seems to appear at least once in every chapter of this book.

I might be left in this medieval dungeon to die…because of Jacques Landeau!

Yeah, Jessica seems to be under the impression that she’s locked in this dungeon and nobody will ever find her.

The Cover: Blond twins shackled to each other in a dungeon. Giggity. (Ew, I just grossed myself out.)

Synopsis:

Jessica breaks up with a guy named Michael Lewis because he wants to go steady. Then she doesn’t have a date for the dance on Friday. She stays home and Alice gives her a tape to watch. It’s a movie called Checkered Houses by Charles Sampson. I have no idea why, but Jessica starts crying. She runs up to her room and starts reading her old journals.

83: Steven’s Bride – Cara moves to London.

84. The Stolen Diary – Kris Lynch is an ass. No new information.

85. Soap Star – The twins guest star on a soap opera, which puts a strain on Jessica’s relationship with Sam. The day after they stop filming, Jessica is stopped in the street by a guy named Charles Sampson. He says he wants to make her famous and gives her a business card. Jessica tucks the card into her diary.

86. Jessica Against Bruce – Jessica gives in and calls Charles Sampson. They meet at a coffee shop and he says he’s a movie director. He wants to cast Jessica as the lead in a movie he’s trying to get financing for. Jessica turns him down because she doesn’t want to further jeopardize her relationship with Sam. She joins Bruce’s stupid club and gets distracted for a while, and then she starts thinking about Charles’ movie again.

87. My Best Friend’s Boyfriend – Sam cancels a date with Jessica, so she calls Charles. They meet and talk a little about the movie. Jessica is definitely interested. Then she talks to Sam about it in a hypothetical way. Sam says he would want to break up if Jessica got involved in another professional acting project.

88. Love Letters for Sale – Jessica reads the script for Checkered Houses and decides she really wants to do the movie. She sneaks out of the house one night to meet Charles at a party in Malibu. The next day, Sam says he came by the house after midnight and threw pebbles at her window, but she never opened it and the Jeep was gone. Jessica lies and says she spent the night at Lila’s.

89. Elizabeth Betrayed – Sam starts to suspect Jessica is hiding something. Jessica goes to Charles and tells him she can’t do the movie. Charles kisses her in response. Jessica pushes him away and leaves.

90. Don’t Go Home with John – Jessica worries about Lila.

91. In Love with a Prince – Lila goes nuts trying to get Prince Arthur to like her. Jessica worries about her. After Arthur leaves town, Jessica wishes she could work on Charles’ movie, but she’s glad she has Sam.

92. She’s Not What She Seems – Jessica is stalked by a crazy chick.

93. Stepsisters – Annie and Cheryl move into the house next door. Jessica gets a call from Charles. He says he has potential financing for the movie, but the company wants to see a read-through. Jessica says she’ll do it. After the reading, she tells Charles she wants to be in the movie. Charles is driving Jessica home when his car breaks down on a deserted back road. He and Jessica camp out for the night. Charles tells Jessica he’s in love with her. Jessica says she can’t do the movie.

94. Are We in Love? – Charles sends Jessica a letter to tell her Sam is a lucky guy.

Epilogue: Jessica misses Sam.

The Cover: I don’t understand what any of those things have to do with what I just read.

Synopsis:

Todd cancels a date on a Friday night and Liz thinks their relationship must be going down the tubes. She decides to read her diary:

#71: Starring Jessica – Liz feels all sad and jealous when Jessica gets chosen to be on television and also turns in a perfect article for The Oracle. She’s also bored with Todd.

#72: Rock Star’s Girl – Liz sees a really cute guy on the beach a few times checking her out and wants to meet him. They finally speak to each other. His name is Sam Woodruff and he saw Jessica on television and wanted to meet her, but then saw her at the Dairi Burger one day with Todd. Liz explains that Jessica was the one on television, and then she says she and Todd are just friends. She and Sam have a couple dates.

#73: Regina’s Legacy – Liz tries to forget about Sam as she uncovers a drug ring.

#74: The Perfect Girl – Liz tells herself she can’t see Sam anymore, and then goes and makes out with him anyway. Then she acts like she can’t believe she’s cheating on Todd. Seriously?

#75: Amy’s True Love – Tom McKay is gay and Liz wants to tell Sam about Todd. Sam tells Liz he loves her.

#76: Miss Teen Sweet Valley – Liz finally breaks things off with Sam, then gets all worked up about the beauty pageant. She wonders if she’s so upset about the pageant because she’s “taking the moral high road to compensate for cheating with Sam.”

#77: Cheating to Win – Todd is a whiny bitch and it makes Liz want to see Sam again. They get together at the beach and make out. Then Sam sees Liz kissing Todd one day at the Dairi Burger and he tells her to fuck off.

#78: The Dating Game – Liz is really upset when Sam ignores her at the Dairi Burger and the Beach Disco but starts checking out Jessica.

#79: The Long-Lost Brother – This book is skipped completely.

#80: The Girl They Both Loved – Sam starts dating Jessica. Liz thinks he’s just trying to get back at her for hurting him. He assures her he’s really just crazy about Jessica. Liz thinks she can never be totally happy with Todd as long as Sam and Jessica are together.

#81: Rosa’s Lie – Sam calls and Liz pretends to be Jessica on the phone.

#82: Kidnapped by the Cult! – Jessica joins a cult. Liz and Sam have to work together to save her, then they decide they’re happy to just be friends.

In the present, Liz closes her diary and cries about the car crash that killed Sam. Then Todd stops by and explains he had to postpone their date so he could drive a couple hours up the coast to pick up the locket he ordered in honor of the anniversary of the first time Liz told Todd she loved him.

The Cover: I hate these weird photo covers. Nothing here correlates to anything actually in the book.

The Moral of the Story: There’s a prince at the end of every hedge maze.

The Big Deal: Going away party for the twins at Lila’s, big trip to France

Synopsis:

The school year has ended and the twins are off to France to be au pairs for the summer. They’ll be watching the kids of some royal couple, the de Saint-Maries. The night before they leave, Lila throws a big bon voyage bash. Jessica is bored and anxious to just be in France already. Liz isn’t looking forward to being away from Todd for a month and she pulls him away from the party for some alone time. Todd tells her he wants them to see other people for the summer. Liz, who prefers cheating to breaking up, is totally pissed and leaves the party in tears.

The twins arrive in France and get on a train. On what turns out to be the longest train ride ever, Liz sulks while Jessica talks to a cute guy, Jacques, and his father, Louis. Jacques claims his father is the duke of Norveaux, and Jessica is suitably impressed. By the time the men get off the train, Jacques and Jessica are in love and making out. Jacques gives her a huge emerald before he leaves, and promises to come visit her at the de Saint-Maries’ castle. A little while later, a countess on the train starts screaming that one of her gems is missing. The countess is horrible and mean and thinks the twins are scum because they’re not royalty. Unfortunately, the countess and her daughter are also going to be spending the summer with the de Saint-Maries.

The twins’ first day on the job, little Pierre runs into the hedge maze and Liz goes after him. She gets lost for a while, but finally finds the kid peeking through the hedges at Prince Laurent, his half-brother, who is having a little fencing practice in front of a cottage. Prince Laurent de Saint-Marie is eighteen years old and he dreams of meeting a beautiful blond girl with blue eyes and a heart of gold. How convenient. Liz checks him out through the hedges, then Pierre leads her out of the maze. Liz yells at Jessica for letting Pierre run off and the twins start shouting at each other in front of everyone. They decide they can’t work together anymore, so they split the days into shifts so only one of them is with the children at a time.

A letter from Todd comes for Liz, but Jessica burns it before Liz can see it. Damn, I really wanted to know what he had to say for himself. Then Jessica talks to Anna, another servant, and asks what she knows about the duke of Norveaux. Anna says there’s no such thing and Jessica is disillusioned. She can’t believe some guy she didn’t even know would lie to her.

Liz goes to take a walk before dinner one day and gets lost in the hedge maze again. Idiot. It starts to rain and by the time she finds the cottage on the other side, she’s totally soaked and freezing. Prince Laurent lets her in and they spend the entire night talking. When Liz gets back to the castle the next morning, Jessica is so happy to see her that she declares their fight over. Until the next week when Liz skips out on baby-sitting duties to go horseback riding with Laurent. The prince takes her to some romantic spot and tells her he had a dream about her before they met. Liz thinks that’s totally cool because she’d had a dream about him on the plane ride over. They make out.

Back at the castle, Jessica puts the kids to bed and goes up to the tiny attic bedroom she’s disappointed to call her own. Someone grabs her and puts a hand over her mouth. She struggles and squirms, but then a “sexy voice” tells her to be still. She turns around and is overjoyed to see Jacques. She thinks it’s a little weird that he lied about being a duke’s son, and that he sneaked into the castle like a creeper, and that he was going through her bureau, but she makes out with him anyway.

Quotes:

“I just can’t wait to get out of Sweet Valley,” Jessica explained. “I feel like I’ve been dancing with the same ten cute guys my whole life.”

And I feel like I’ve been reading about it my whole life.

Jessica had traveled in the past, and she had even spent some time in England as an intern at the London Times. But still, it seemed strange to be in the midst of a non-English-speaking crowd.

This whole book, the twins act like they’ve never been to France before.

Jessica frowned. She had hoped they would eat with the royal family at the regal dinner table that they had passed.

Why would you assume something like that? You’re the baby-sitter.

“I was dating a guy named Cameron, but it didn’t work out.”

Just in case you were wondering about the relationship Jessica spent the last three books desperately pursuing, it “fizzled out” because Cameron had to travel on business all the time.

The Cover: Jessica, take off that stupid beret and the dumb scarf. You are not really French and your shoes are totally wrong for that outfit. Liz, you just keep on rockin’ your barrettes and floral luggage.

Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.

The Moral of the Story: Working for a fashion magazine will make you crazy.

The Big Deal: Dinner party

Synopsis:

Enid and black Maria decide their lives just aren’t worth living if Liz isn’t their friend, so they decide it’s time to make up. When Liz tells them what Leona’s done, they offer to help get back at her. They, along with Reggie from the office, come up with a super awesome plan. This plan includes Enid and Maria coming to the Flair office for no apparent reason while Liz calls Gordon Lewis, head of the company, to say she has an idea she’d like to discuss with him. Gordon says he’ll stop by her office the next morning. Liz tells him she works in Leona’s office, and then freaks out about making Leona’s office look like it belongs to Liz. Even though Liz has her very own office just down the hall. Whatever. This is stupid.

Jessica goes out to some awesome nightclub with Quentin and has a terrible time. Quentin doesn’t want to dance because the dance floor is too crowded, and he refuses an invitation to party with Eddie Rook, a rock star who happens to be hanging out at the club. Jessica goes outside and walks a couple of blocks. Then she sees someone who looks just like Cameron leaving a fancy restaurant and getting into a Porsche. Jessica figures it’s just lovesickness making her see Cameron. She decides to make him fall in love with her again, so at lunchtime on Monday she goes to the mailroom with a “gourmet lunch” for him. The guy working there says Cameron quit.

Liz finds out about some party Gordon Lewis will be attending, so she and her posse decide to crash it. Furthermore, they decide to go to Leona’s to “borrow” some of her clothes. When they get to the party, Liz stays out of site while Maria and Reggie talk about her in front of Gordon and make her out to be some really important person in the fashion industry. By the time Gordon meets Liz the next morning, he thinks she’s just the greatest thing ever. He loves her idea and wants her to present it to the board that afternoon.

Todd moves into a really crappy apartment. He’s sure he’ll get more modeling jobs and be able to afford something really spectacular any day now. He invites his parents and Simone over for dinner and then, of course, burns the roast he was trying to make. He serves macaroni and toast, Simone is a bitch, his parents try to be supportive and blah, blah, blah. Who cares?

Things are going swimmingly for Liz and Reggie at the board meeting until Leona comes hobbling in on her crutches. She starts yelling that Liz is only an intern who stole her idea. Liz is fired on the spot. This doesn’t really matter because suddenly it’s Friday and the internship is over anyway, but Liz is distraught. Enid, Maria, Jessica, Lila and Amy all rally around her that night, clucking about how bad they feel for her. Then Leona has the nerve to call Liz and invite her to lunch the next day to apologize. She gives her directions to some restaurant up the coast. Liz plans to bring a tape recorder and trick Leona into confessing to stealing Liz’s idea.

The next day, Leona’s directions take Liz along a road at the top of a cliff. Out of nowhere, some jackass in a pickup truck starts bumping the Jeep. Liz almost goes off the road, but then who should show up but Todd the Great. He was driving around Sweet Valley earlier when he saw Liz in the Jeep and decided to follow her. So now he gets behind Liz, edging out the pickup. Liz and Todd pull over and the jackass drives away. Liz is grateful, but not so grateful that she forgets she hates Todd right now. She decides to forget Leona and go home. Todd goes to the police station and gives the cop the pickup’s license number and a description of the jackass. The cops say the jackass is a freelance thug. They suspect someone hired him to hurt Liz.

The cops find the guy the next day and arrest him, and he says Leona Pierson hired him. Over a fucking magazine article. Jesus. Meanwhile, Liz is at Flair with her tape recorder, determined to get Leona’s confession once and for all. But Leona pulls a gun on her and gives an Evil Villain speech about how important her career is and how Liz doesn’t know anything about getting ahead in life. This bitch is insane. The cops show up and arrest her. That night, Todd pulls a Say Anything, playing the Jamie Peters song that was on when he and Liz first “pledged their love to each other.” Then he climbs up to Liz’s window and they make out for a while. Oh, Todd moves back home at some point, of course.

Jessica is pissed because Quentin decided not to use her photos in the magazine. A week after the internship is over, she gets a package in the mail containing the “blue pages” for the upcoming issue. Turns out Jessica’s going to be in the magazine after all. There’s a letter attached, an invitation to a dinner party at the home of Edward McGee, the owner of the corporation that owns Flair. Jessica thinks that’s kind of weird, but is more than happy to show up. When she gets there, Mr. McGee leaves the room to get his son, who turns out to be Cameron. Cameron is the new vice president of Flair and he wanted to get a feel for the company by starting at the bottom, in the mail room. Even though Jessica was the one whoring herself out for the chance to be a model, Cameron is the one who apologizes. They end up making out all night.

Quotes:

Ken ambled over to the table and sat down in one of the plastic chairs. “So Todd, now that you’re busy with Simone, would you mind if I asked Elizabeth out?”

Okay, so he’s joking. But dude, that’s not even a little funny.

Todd desperately wanted this dinner to turn out perfect. He’d invited his parents and Simone and was eager to prove to all three that he could make it on his own.

Listen, Todd. Simone doesn’t care whether or not you can make it on your own, and your parents know you can’t. Just give it up.

The Cover: Liz looks pretty cute, but this doesn’t seem to correlate to anything that actually happened in the book.